The Adventure Zone - Ep. 54. The Suffering Game - Chapter Four

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

After Round One of The Suffering Game, our heroes aren't doing too great -- and with another turn of the Wheel ahead, the future's not especially bright, either. Can they keep their heads up (and on) to power through? Magnus makes an invisible friend. Merle charms the crowd. Taako makes 'em laugh. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, your decision, trust their decision, and in bright red letters, the word forsake appears. What? One of these giant pieces of, like a washing machine-sized piece of industrial machinery, falls from the ring on the ceiling and lands on you. You're going to kill America's favorite wizard. You see a severed human head, and then it's eyes open, and it goes, blah! Magnus does not react. My name's Cam. Sorry I can't greet you with a formal handshake, but I seem to have misplaced my everything.

But somehow the two litches that run this place are empowering themselves not with their own emotion, but with the emotions of people who came into Wonderland, specifically suffering. I don't think our boys are having much fun playing the suffering game. Maybe their luck will improve in round two. But probably not. It's the adventure zone. How do you Dungeons and Dragons? I wish we could have somebody on the call who made the game that can be like,

oh, it's been like a month and a half. Let me, show me how to Dungeons and how to Dragons. Teach me how to Dungeons. You can't just do one of them. I've got these dice in front of me. Is that part of it? You think we just roll those and like dragons come out of them? No, no, no, no.

There's that pauper ball in the middle and we push down on it. It's a pop-a-matic situation. Pop-a-matic. That's why they call it D&D, Dice and Dragons. Yeah. Let's get back into it. My daughter calls them Dradles. She does.

That's simply inaccurate. That's a thing already. So you boys are in a bit of a pickle after the last round of Wonderland. It didn't go so great. I mean, you won. You're alive, whatever. You've got a new head friend that lives in Travis's backpack, I guess. What's his name?

What was the game? Cam. Cam. Dad gets the memory award, which. is the first time. Pin that on his vest. So congrats. And you are back in the Wonderwheel room.

The theme song to that is, of course, a fun parody of the song Wonderwall by Oasis that I've written. And I'll sing for you right now. Okay. So let's go ahead and get moving. You are back. This time was going to be a time when you and I were going to get it straight. We were going to do our best together. But now we're not going to get it together.

WonderWall This isn't how Farities work. The music and words were different and you didn't even say Wonder Wheel. It's a thematic reimagining. Oh, I thought we were doing the Fred Savage thing. It's a meditation on

Wonderwall. Wonderwall be constructed. This is not your daddy's Wonderwall. You guys like Westworld, right? Just like Westworld. More or less. So you're back in the wheelroom. And if you will remember, the Elves, since a fourth presence in the room

and so there are four lights above the door across this big circular room. It's about the same shape and sizes all of the other rooms that you've been in since you've been in Wonderland and you have the wheel in the middle and it's time to roll your ball.

There's no ball. Just a reminder to, though, because it has been six years since we've played. What happens if we refuse to do whatever comes up on the wheel. A penalty. Okay. That's all you know.

Could you be more vague? I don't know, Chandler. I love him. I love that. I love his humor. Very 90s show. Super South Park humor. Very random.

Who's going first? And also somebody's going to have to go two times. I think I have the most hit points. Okay, fine. Yeah, fuck it. You go. I'll go twice. Oh, wow.

To spin the... We love torture. Hey, Merle, I just want to say, I really appreciate you taking the hit and doing both times. Just click the bad. Thank you. All right. It means a lot to me that you would step up and do that. Thank you so much.

While you're saying to this, he's literally can't figure out how to spin the wheel. He's, like, grabbing it by the spokes and, like, moving it one direction, but then, like, twist it, get back the other direction, and it's just having some trouble clicking the image on the website. Yeah, you just spin it, buddy. Come on. Yeah, I did. I mean, I did. I got the same thing.

I. Oh, shit. Let me do a judgment call with Justin and Travis real quick. Sidebar. Is it more interesting if we do other stuff, or should I just really just keep blasting dad's eyes? Let's just go with the eye, I guess. Yeah, go with the eye, my man.

Let me guess, I'm colorblind. You hear the male elf say, No, it's going to be a bit more severe than that. Usually we don't have so many repeat landings like that, so I feel really sorry for your peepers. Wait, that one was for Cam. He's got eyes. Or should I, well, who, for who?

For the fourth presence that you have detected. This isn't like a surprise. Come on, you know about them. No, take the lumps. Give me the lumps. Bring it. Give me your best shot. Also the array.

of a litch. The arrangement that you made with Cam was that you would take his sacrifices because he doesn't have anything else to sacrifice, really. I mean, he's got eyes. He's got eyes, though. You can hear Cam, you can hear Cam from your bag say like,

well, that wasn't our arrangement. You said you would take my lumps for me. All right, shut up, Jolby. I'm taking the lumps. Give it to me. All right. Yeah, unfortunately, this is going to be a pretty tough game

for your peepers. It sounds like Morrill. Or should I say your peeper? Because the penalty for this round landing on eye is one of them. What? It's not going to be grizzly or anything like that. We're not going to send in a flock of birds to come, you know, peck it out or anything. And you hear the other elf, the female elf, say, yeah, we don't really roll that grizzly anymore.

It gets a little too intense, too fast. It's just going to not be there. Huh. Can I have like a cool Odin? patch thing um that's a fair trade off we could hook you up with a sick looking eye patch i think we have something like that in our closet do i get to choose which eye i think that's only fair do i have a third eye you know no but you do have a third nipple but that's not that's nothing that ain't on a table that's off the table all right you can't see through it and you can't say no

Which arm is the tree arm? Your non-dominant arm. No, no, no. I'm sorry, your dominant arm, remember? Because you reached out and grabbed it with your dominant arm. Right. And the bracer's on your non-dominant arm, and you still have your bracer. So, I mean, I guess your right arm, right?

Because you're right-handed, or are you a south ball? No. No. Right arm. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Just as soon as you say that, Merle, your... your depth perception just like shifts and it's a little it's a like it's fucking it's fucking weird um and is it like that griff or is it like he closed one eye i mean it's yeah it's like that but also the world is spinning around and we just closed an eye everything's 2d it's not but i mean it's it's like gone like that that that eye is that your left eye is now uh gone it's just like uh it's just like a it's just like it's just skin kind of there now. But a white ball in front of you appears and an eye patch is sort of floating in the middle of that ball. And you hear the female elf say, normally we don't sort of give

prizes out like this, but I just think you'll be sort of more pleasant to look at if you're wearing this. And draw. And what are the magic properties? of this I patch? So you don't, there are no magic properties to the I patch. For your, if you make any ranged attack rolls, though, you are going to take a minus two penalty to those. Magic. From now on.

But if you make intimidation roles, because you have this sort of more haggard appearance, now you get a plus two to those. So mark that down. going to leave it what does this eyepatch look like i don't want to decide this sort of like character trait for you um i wanted to look like uh scorpious on far reach what are you fucking no i don't know what you're talking about one far escape and two sick pull that's a great pole dad big fan seen every episode yeah okay he doesn't have okay this dude's not wearing an ipatch

he's wearing like a fucking like jock strap on his fucking face and that cannot be your stees i refuse to let this be your stees this man's not wearing it patch he's wearing a facial thong and it's not pleasant to see all right here's the deal it is uh like in the shape of superman's emblem on his chest and the cord instead of going straight around goes from the corner and uh okay my nose okay goes around and connects with the bottom it's not around the head it's so it's sort of a diamond shaped crest and what's on it because i don't think the superman logo should be it because that's now we're getting a trademark territories uh uh uh an owl.

All right. Sort of a badass owl. Kind of a stylized looking owl. I fucking feel it. Cool. Yeah, that was your animal for the race, right? Right. And why potato chips have a winking owl.

So, I don't know what that means. Of course, it's the potato chips is why you made the decision. Taco is, Morrow, do you guys want to go next? Hey, Marl. I just want to say, that's a sick-looking eye patch, my man. I know, right? I will go next. Okay.

Magnus, you step up to the wheel. I got clock. Clock. Clock. Oh, man. You hear the voice of the female elf, and she says, this one is kind of a tough pill for most participants to swallow, because what you're going to have to sacrifice is time, Magnus.

And as a human, unfortunately, that's in somewhat short supply for you. For this round of the wheel, we're going to need 10 years. Huh. If you choose this and you go through with it, Magnus will instantly age 10 years. I mean, this doesn't really bother me. How old is Magnus and don't try to say like year 12? No, no, no. I was thinking like early 30s.

All right. Like 32, 33. I mean, my age. I've been picturing him. Why don't you give him your elementary school and middle school days? That would be about 10 years. That's not how that works. That ain't how it works.

No. I was born 10. I mean, honestly, here's the thing. Are we assuming, like, that I would have lived this 10 years? Like, that this 10 years is, like, just you replace. That is a fucking great point. Magnus do rush in, so the chances of him making it to 42. This might be a pleasant surprise for him.

So, like, if we assume that that 10 years, I've totally kept up my physique and stayed healthy, yeah, 42, 43, fine. Yeah, fuck it. Whatever. Doesn't bother me. All right. I'm way past the young man days where I care about suddenly being 32 instead of 22. I mean, yeah, fuck it.

42 and 32, who cares? As he's like saying this, as Magnus is talking about, like, as he's rationalizing this, Merle and Taco, you see, like, his sideburns start getting these little, like, gray hairs. What color hair does Magnus have? Like, brownish? I don't know. Yeah, brownish, Auburn, whatever. Well, now it's like, it's starting to grow like pretty gray, pretty fast.

And it's not like, you're not full-blown silver fox right now, but there is a lot of silver poking through the poking through the Auburn. Tell you about my laugh lines, Griffin. I mean, you're also- Crow's feet. Your eyes are the only things that are getting like especially, especially wrinkled. because, you know, Magnus has been through some... Magnus has been through some shit.

How... Do you have any other sort of suggestions for how this would sort of change, Magnus? Well, so this is my question. Is it, like, we are replacing 32-year, like, in the timeline with a 42... Because then I'd probably have a couple, like, facial scars, a couple of Harrison Ford- No, it wouldn't be like that. It's just, like, your body just goes through just ages 10 years in a second. Very, like, Last Crusade style.

I see. I would say the muscles probably become a little bit leaner and sinewyer rather than bulky. Okay. And you... And my pubs go totally gray. Oh, no, that's no good. No, trust me. But my...

George, come on, I'm in hell. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm in hell now. I'm shutting it. You open the door.

You built the fucking door out of wood, shit wood. Shame on you and shame on us. I started it I appreciate it I will take any penalty just let me spin Travis is old now Magnus there's no like

there's no like mechanical penalty for this but you do feel like I mean dude you feel like a fucking bus just hit you you just aged 10 years and like your body it's like your body is different and you don't know you don't like know how to like

deal with it I guess so yeah Magnus is now 42 years old and Taco? Yeah. You hear the male elf say, I gotta say you guys are really taking this in stride because you have not admitted any of that,

any of that bad stuff up into the air. You know, I'm just happy to be here. Just make the best of a bad situation. Okay, I got body. Oh, fucking shit. Okay. Um, all right. Uh, you hear the male elf say,

I have to say, body is not our most elegant selection on the wheel. But all we're going to do for body is sort of take away some of your vitality, some of your living essence, if that makes sense. We're not going to hurt you, Taco, because I don't honestly think we can do that much more without you being dead. And, well, that's no fun. but we we are going to make you less alive uh if you choose this uh taco you are going to have a 15 subtracted from your max HP oof hmm okay okay just like that while you uh as soon as you say that you're you feel yourself kind of

like dry up a little bit like you get like a dry mouth all of a sudden and your your stomach feels kind of sour No this is a good question Griffin how does it translate to like realize Does he have 15% less blood or like what does that mean? I mean it's a very calculated thing on my part Because like the very worst case scenario is

Okay take all the hit points you want Worst case scenario is Taco dies And I get my Tuesday afternoons back Like do I have to I mean I have to listen to dad recording with you chuckle fucks like next to me while I'm doing cool shit that's way better than this but I think it's a fucking good trade-off

um okay so subtract 15 from your max HP I did it already like you can't affect me you can't hurt me it's done it's already done what's next I'll take the other one give me stupid so you hear that you hear the two elves talking now and they're like I don't know maybe we should go harder on them they don't seem to be that upset about all this Come on. Do it.

Are you going to take the next? We're having a great time. It's real fun. I like the challenge, you know? This is good. Thank you so much for this. And they haven't had as good a job prospect as Taco in a long time. Maybe they'll back off of him.

So Taco, are you really taking the next roll? No. Okay, we're going to fight over who gets... I'm smart a tip point. That's fine. Okay, yeah. Give me the wheel. All right.

Merle, you go in for a roll. before we get to that. Stop it. Stop playing with the mouse. What is going on? That was moving the mouse while I was using the track pad. It was all very confusing.

While Taka was taking his turn and while Merle is taking his turn, Magnus, you feel something and it almost feels like something. It's incontinence. Surprise. No, you feel something poke the palm of your hands.

And as you like reflexively kind of like pull your hand away, you feel it Again, only some sort of force is like pressing down into your hand and moving in sort of deliberate strokes What do you do? Get a burger like it's making shapes on my hand? Yeah, like it's like tracing something in your hand. Is it letters? So if you if you don't like yeah if you you you sit there and you try to like figure out what this thing is doing. Are you like panicking? Are you like saying? No, now in my old age,

I've grown a lot calmer. Okay. And I just sit there and calmly, uh, experience this sensation. I'm practicing mindfulness now in my 40s. Okay. You sit here and you just try to like, you focus on the shapes without like panicking or making a big scene about it. Uh, and you feel this same pattern over and over again more and more forcefully being pushed into your hand. And after like a dozen or so repetitions, you realize something is familiar about the pattern because it's something that you've been studying very recently back at the headquarters with Carrie. This force is making the shape of thieves can't into your hand, which is the secret written language of symbols that thieves used to sort of communicate with each other. And right now it's making two shapes

in your hand. And the first one is a shape that means silence, which sort of like warns potential burglars of nearby listening marks. And then the next shape is confirm, which thieves use to sort of ensure that other thieves have seen their message. So it's saying silence and then asking you to confirm. Okay, with my left hand, I start just kind of without looking at my hand or drawing attention to it, just moving my finger in the shape of confirm. Okay.

it makes another set of symbols and it says Secret, which thieves use to sort of like well, I mean, it's a very thief-like the symbol that they are trying to remain you know, in incognito. We know what secrets are, Griffin.

Thank you so much for this. And then it also, and then it marks confirm a second time. So it's saying, you know, secret, confirm. I make the shape. Okay. And you're having like this secret thieves can't conversation.

with this unseen force. And it goes through a few symbols. It does one, the number one. That's not really a thieves can't symbol. That's just like one. And then the shape for room. So it says one room. And then a symbol that lets you know that like magic forces are afoot.

And then the symbol for room again. And then the symbol for transformation. So it's telling you magic room transformation. And then it's telling you magic room transformation. it sends one last message to you. And the first one is a symbol that thieves use to sort of let each other know that they should wait for some sort of signal before they proceed with whatever job they're about to do. And then confirm. So wait for signal, confirm.

I confirm. Okay. Uh, Merle. Let's spin that wheel. Chance? Oh, this is good. Okay. I was hoping this might show.

up this round. You hear the female elves say, chance is kind of a tricky one. And it sort of measures your judgment as a participant here in Wonderland. All you have to do for chance is lay something down on the wheel and it can be physical or not physical. And it can be more than one item, if you wish, that you think is a sufficient sacrifice on par with the other things that have been sacrificed this round. And if you are correct and you do give a sufficient sacrifice, then you get to move on and it counts as a point. But if you do not give up enough, then you lose the items that you put forward and it doesn't count and you have to go again and keep on giving and giving until you have satisfied the chance. So you can sacrifice anything, physical, metaphysical, whatever that you think is equivalent to like the value of the things that have also been sacrificed. this round. And if you

pass the bar, then you get to move on. Otherwise, you still lose the things and still have to go again until you have given up enough. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. So it's kind of a roll of the dice. If you give something shitty, you'll lose the shitty thing, and

it won't count, and you'll still have to do it. What you have that's worth 10 years? Well, I've had my trusty Warhammer since I was just a little Sprout. So that's over 50 years. You cannot retcon a story

into it. I don't tell you. My dad's dad's and it's really great. And I really love... Did I tell you how to name for it? This whole time, I've really loved... He does have a name for it. It's a little smusher. Fair enough. All right? I just don't want you to lose your warhammer and something else. I'm trying to look out for you.

I would say putting down one of your main weapons. is pretty much. You also have the arc light. You also have the arc light spanner and he hasn't hit anything for roughly 30 hours. This is true. You also have spells that make angels appear so you can probably sacrifice a couple of the old weapons. I know what you should put in there. The B.I.B.L.

Oh, my gosh. That's the book for me. I stand alone on the word of Pan. The B.I.B.L. Bible. Now, I will say that is your holy symbol. if you get rid of that, then you cannot use your holy magics. Although they've been pretty faulty lately, so. So maybe not that.

Although I dig the symbolism there. I'm just warning you, if you do that, you will not be able to cast spells. Well, that's no good. I mean, it's not like his real spell factory thus far, but you know what? I can't keep being lost dad for these actions. I will lay down on this. what you might call it. It's a wheel.

The wheel. My adamant spanner. What the spanner? Which has been the only thing that has worked for me for the last four or five arcs. I've had it since pedals to the metal. I have posed a lot of pictures with it. I'll give it my adamant spanner. Okay, and that's it.

And? So you can think outside the, I mean, that might be enough, I don't know. But it's not just physical items. It can be memories, it can be, you could sacrifice a language that you speak. Like literally, you could sacrifice anything to add to the value. You know, I've had my wedding ring on a chain around my neck this whole time. It's always been super important. If you really look at some of the art that, you know, you can see a faint outline in my armor.

And it's the symbol. It's the symbol. I'll put my wedding ring. That you've had the whole time. I just want to clarify that one. Is it Merle divorced? Yeah, and Merle, you ran out on your family. You are a dead beat.

Well, yeah. I'm confused about the symbolism you're giving up here, Merle. I am giving up the sense of loss of losing my family. Wait, no. You can't give up bad emotions. I'm giving up the guilt I feel as a shitty thing I did. Yeah. These liches feed on negative emotions.

You're turning this into a fucking Oprah special. Like, you can't, like, let that. It's an Oprah special that's like, feel... I'm a shithead, feel bad for me. I'm a shithead, feel bad for me. The Oprah special, you get a car. All right. All right, funny guys.

Yeah. I give up my wood arm. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, you, we've got live appearances to think about. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. I'll give up the Adamance Spanner. The very important...

This bundle of rope. This is like the end of the jerk. No, this wedding ring that was my only happy memories from when my little family was still intact. Before someone ripped it before. Before someone did a bad thing. Yeah. I want like the guy from Amazing Discoveries in his dumbass sweater to be standing at a pedestal like, that's not enough. You know how we do it on Amazing Discovery anymore?

They're in a shammie. And my battle axe. You could give up five. years of your life because like you're already what's the difference you know what I mean I give up my adamant spanner the wedding ring wedding ring and my battle axe does that leave you with your hand axe you have a hand axe I don't I'm almost certain you don't have a battle axe I can't believe how many times we've had this argument um but you can sacrifice the hand axe sure okay it says battle axe hand axe no no no those are just proficiencies those aren't items that you have you could give up your

battle axe proficiency. As long as you've given up the battle axe. I will give up the battle axe. Hey, can I give up my proficiency with bows? The battle axe proficiency. My bow staff proficiency. That's got to be enough now, right? My nunchuk.

And my wedding ring. My nunchuk proficiency. Which is worth, by the way, the wedding ring is worth about 5,000 gold. This whole time. This whole time. This whole time. Cannot stress enough. This has been so true.

Griffin also would like to apologize for editing out dad's frequent and blatant references to the wedding ring that has been on as well time. And I'll agree to be colorblind. Okay. No, no, I'm holding on to color. Okay. Yeah, you've got, yeah. Okay, so to summarize, the adamant spanner, the wedding ring, your battle acts proficiency, and that's what you're doing? Okay.

Right? Yes. Confirm? And? Oh, my God. No, I think you've given enough. I have. I don't think I have.

No, sorry, that and was in universe. That was one of the male elves says, and that's, uh, that's it, huh? That's all you're, uh, that's all you're gonna give up. And this, like, clearly just fucking with you. Oh, he's fucking with you, dad. Don't let him push you around. If that's all you want to give up, that's fine.

That might be enough. I, hmm. Final answer. All right. You lay down your axe and wedding ring on the wheel, and they both, or no, sorry, the adamant spanner in the wedding ring, you lay them down on the wheel. And they both kind of sink in. And then you sort of like fade to white, and you remember being in the wooded enclave that you and your druidic pan-worshipping family. lived in, this sort of commune that you lived in as a child. And you're maybe a teen or something like that.

And one of the members of the enclave was attacked by a bear and just barely survived. And it sent a real scare through the community and sort of made you sort of struggle with your own mortality. And so you went to a woodsman in the woods who was not a part of the enclave. And he taught you how to wield an axe to protect yourself. And you trained with him for, years and years, and he was sort of one of the first sort of figures that sort of showed you what life was like outside of this sheltered enclave. And while you're thinking of this, you are having a hard time remembering what his face looked like, and then you can't remember anything about him, and then you don't remember any of that part of your life at all, and it's

just gone. I really hate this arc. I just wanted to pass along to you, Griffin. Hey everybody, this is Griffin Macquarie, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your ice skating trainer. I want to see you tighten up that axle. Thanks for listening to Episode 54 of the Adventures, and I believe it's the fourth episode in this suffering game arc, which I hope is living up to the title. I want to tell you all about a few sponsors this week. Got a few Jumbotron messages here for you. Thank you to everybody who bought a Jumbotron spot in 2017.

I'm pretty sure we are sold out of spots for the entire year, which is Uh, amazing. Thank you all for supporting us, uh, so much. I want to tell you to visit justa puzzle game.com. Uh, just a puzzle game is a fun and challenging mobile game. It was definitely not created by an evil mega corporation to reverse engineer an experimental AI that went rogue. It's not that. Uh, solving the more than 1,000 unique levels will not reveal cryptic, hidden messages, tantalizing clues are mysterious ciphers. You won't learn a terrifying secret. It's just a puzzle game. Go to just a puzzle game.com to learn more. I'm pretty sure I just violated like 12 FCC things

because I think this is one of those goofam-ups where all those things are true. I got a message here for Cal and it's from Julia who says, Happy 21st birthday. Here's a shout out for the best Pathfinder playmate ever to thank you for all the campaigns. Oh, nope, did a wrong emphasis there.

Here's a shout out for the best Pathfinder playmate ever to thank you for all the campaigns you've invited me to and all the characters you min-maxed with your damn cheater skills. You're the greatest friend ever, and I hope to adventure with you for many years to come in-game and out. You're the best, and I love you this much. And this is in all caps. So that's like the only sort of metric. Like all the letters are super duper big. So that is how much Julia loves you, Cal. So that is very, very special. This message was also supposed to go up in July. That was half a year ago. Oops a dude.

Oops. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you use that hashtag, you might end up as a character in the show. And I'm talking about characters like Cam, whose name for Cam Marshall at Splarflord on Twitter. I'm also talking about, and these names are about to be revealed, Lydia, hacked motion art on Twitter, and Edward Lumberbuns on Twitter. You could end up as a character on the show. Now, we are kind of getting down to the end of it, but there will definitely be a chance for more character names to end up in the show.

So get in your tweets with the Zonecast hashtag. Also, just like personally speaking, we don't pay to advertise the show at all. And so you tweeting about the show and spreading the word with word of mouth is the only way that we get new listeners. And we sure do appreciate all the hard work you all have been doing in that regard.

So thank you all so, so much. And thank you for sticking with us while we had some special episodes mixed in there at the end of the year. Travis and I definitely needed a break as we sort of hung out with our new families and spent time with the rest of the family for the holidays. So thank you all for that.

We are going to sort of put our nose to the grindstone now and really, really see this thing through. So stick with us. I hope you like the rest of the episode. The next one is going to go up on January 26th. So I will talk to you then. Bye. With that, the fourth green light above the door lights up

and the big heavy stone door open. And again, it is just kind of pitch black through the door. You cannot see through it at all. And the wheel lowers down into the ground. So I guess that answers what happens to the director, huh? Yeah. That was probably obvious, but I wanted to say it out loud so I didn't have people fucking tweeting me like, hey, do you think it's it?

Yes. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, I know, I know. We're all adults here. I got you. Cam comments from your bag. Um, you, well, you can't hear him. He's like in a secret pocket dimension inside of a pocket of an actual bag.

Uh, but he is trying to, he's yelling. Hey! Hey! Okay, I'm going to tie him to my shoulder like fucking Zafod Bibobs. Just to get Griffin off my nuts. All right. I like it. He says, uh, boy, that was a real tough round.

I sure appreciate y'all taking my, taking my sacrifice on for me. I guess I could have lost an eye, but it's like one of like four things I still have. And if I'm going to make it out of here, I really, you know, I'm going to need all the meat I've got. You're going to have to teach him how he's an axe. I might know a thing or two, he says. Actually, he sees you, Magnus, and says, whoa, what the hell happened to you? What do you mean? You're gray.

You're all old. You're an old man now. This is how I looked before. I guess I guess I just wasn't paying attention Yeah Let me let me preemptively interrupt All the tweets that I will be sending 42 is not old

Okay go on Griffin yeah Before we move on I want to make the thieves can't sign For room, trap Confirm Yeah it confirms this thing pushes into your hand and confirms Cool

Taco and Merle make a perception check Double fours We didn't see shit All right Yeah then nothing happens Okay You moving on Yeah

Yep yep On we go You step forward And as you're walking towards the door You hear the elves You hear the male elf say Ooh that was a pretty tough round We lost a lot of years

And a good eye But this next challenge It's going to be a breeze I promise And as you walk through that pitch black door, you step into a new, another huge circular chamber about the same dimensions as the one you just left. Only this one you also know because there is a single pedestal in the middle of it with two buttons on it and a screen sort of wrapped around the outside of it with sort of digitized like cartoon versions of your faces on it. And you hear that, you hear that

male elf say, I mean, it's, it's going to be a breeze if you, if you make the right decision here. It's time for another round of trust or forsake. You know the deal. Step up to the plate and you'll be matched up against an opponent. And then, uh, you, you pick the button that seems right for you. I cast mage hand and smack forsake. Uh, it doesn't activate because the buttons aren't lit up and going yet. Uh, and you hear the female elf say, uh, oh, just a minute, sweetheart. We haven't we haven't begun the game yet. We have to see who's going to be our player this time. Can I ask you elves a question? Uh, sure, shoot. We can't promise that we'll answer. Fair, fair. Is this, so what we're looking at is like a loop of like spin the wheel, choose or, you know, forsake or whatever, fight some monsters, spin a wheel, forsake.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? That's the loop? Yeah. And that's, that's good for you. That doesn't get tiresome. Um, no, we've, we've programmed a lot of variety into Wonderland. Loop isn't the right word either. Loop intimates that there's no finish line. There is a finish line and your prize is waiting at the end of it. How many, how many rotations do we have to go through? It's subjective. How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

Six. I think it's six. Six, roughly six. Four. Is it four? A little average, five. In order for you to earn your prize, here in Wonderland, you have to do exactly that.

You have to earn it. And once you've earned it, there it'll be. How many of you, how many prizes have you passed out this year? This year, this year alone. I mean, we're only about halfway through the year. It's about midsummer, but probably a good 30 prizes or so. Walship. I don't believe you.

Lying Lichy. You can roll Insight, if you want to say. I'm going to roll Insight. It's a 19. 19. Yeah, that wasn't entirely accurate. Plus four, by the way, so 23. Yeah, it's a fucking, they are, they are not telling the truth.

How many people have died? Oh, more than 30. Give me a percentage. I, if we're being, I don't want to dishearten you is the problem, because you guys are doing so good. But about it. I cast zone. Oh, they are no, they are nowhere near you. You cannot see them.

They are not in your, your, your vision. vicinity. I can't see him anyway. I have no depth for seconds. Cast it on me and then ask me what percentage of people have died. That way we'll get the answers. The screen that wraps around the pedestal in front of you starts to spin. And the person who is going to play this round of Trust or For Sake is... It is Taco. You step up to the plate Taco. And as you do, Cam from your shoulder says, you know you have to pick For Sake, right? Like, that's That's basic sort of the game here. You know, I appreciate the heads up, but yeah.

Wait. Go ahead and choose for sake. But that will end up fucking over the other people. Yeah. Or maybe they just want us to think that. Oh, no, no. I don't give a shit. But I don't want to fuck over the other people.

Then maybe next time you should get chosen as the player. But think about it this way. Hold on. Think about it this way. Stay in posy, right? For sure, yeah. Stay in posy, we fought the last battle and did relatively fine. I'm, I'm almost dead.

Yeah, I'm almost dead. And it's on a podcast. Cam, Cam chimes in and he's like, uh, Magnus, Magnus Taco's right. He's on death's door. He can't fight another fight like the fight he just fought or else he's a dead man. So you pick for sake and we're on easy street. This goes against everything, I believe. Well, luckily it's not your decision.

forsake. All right. You hit forsake. And the far wall across from you shows, you chose forsake. And they chose trust. Hell yeah. Which means you, and a little bit of confetti falls from the ceiling when that happens. Short episode this week, kids.

Remind me, Griffin, what would have happened if we had both hit trust? So there's four outcomes. this game. And I realized listening back when I was editing it, you guys didn't quite understand the rules. There's four outcomes. Okay. If you choose forsake and they pick trust, that's the best outcome for you. That means you don't have to do this killer challenge at all. If you both, the next outcome is both pick trust. That means you play it at its like standard difficulty. If you both pick forsake, that's the third worst outcome, I guess. And that means you both face a slightly harder version. And if you pick forsake and they pick trust, they don't have to do the challenge and you have to do like

the really, really difficult version. Oh, no. You mean if we pick trust and they pick forsake. Right. If you get forsaken, then you get fucked. Got it. But you did the forsaking this time, which is good. Kind of.

I mean, not morally. And Cam is like celebrating. He's like, yes, nice. You don't realize how brutal those challenges are. You're going to... Yeah, you're right. I don't. I got an air conditioner dropped on me, homie.

Yeah, it's a fair. Okay. Taco, you understand how difficult. it is. And with that, the display that showed the results disappears and a large black door appears in front of you that you just cannot see through. Another pitch black door. Onward, I guess. Yeah, here we go. All right, you step forward into the next chamber. And as you enter the doorway, you step foot

onto a five-foot square of white light. And the word start is on this square. And as soon as you step onto it, the door is just gone behind you. And you hear a loud click as a blue square. The same size illuminates right in front of you. And then another. And then a green square that has some sort of word written on it. And then this pattern continues with all these multicolored squares,

just sort of appearing, forming a winding path around you. It's Candyland. you're standing in a board game. And as you look down, you realize that this platform is slightly elevated in the air, and the floor is covered in a bubbling green liquid. And from above you, you realize that the ceiling is just clouded with this swarm of bats that are all squealing. And some of the bats start to fly down in your direction, but then everything sort of freezes, and you hear one of the elves say,

oh dear, this shouldn't have manifested this way. You won the last round. Oh, pardon our mess. Suddenly you see a cloud of that black smog that sort of you emit every time you have complained in this environment. It quickly sort of lowers from the ceiling like a curtain, and the board game is gone.

This room has been sort of re-outfitted. and instead of standing on the start square of a board game, you're standing behind podiums and you have these bright lights in your face and you can hear coming in the direction of these lights that are kind of blinding you a bit, you hear thunderous applause from a large studio audience

and as you look around, you realize you're standing on these sort of garishly decorated set of a game show and you hear one of the, elves say, live from the inescapable depths of Wonderland, it's time for another round of heart attack, the heroic dating show.

And here's your hosts, Lydia and Edward. And you see those two elves appear in front of you, and they're holding those weird, small, skinny microphones as they host you in a dating show called Heart Attack. And there's

a lot of applause, and there's a lot of vogue from these two. And the audience is just fucking eating it up, and they looks, they're wearing different outfits now. They're wearing crimson and silver and gold pantsuits. And they look fucking excellent. And they have

big sunglasses on. I don't know, Griffin, with them showing off like this, I'm just afraid that they're not here for the right reasons. And the female elf, who you now know, God, I'm so glad I can say their names now and not say male elf and female elf. Like I'm some sort of scientist, elf scientist. You could have just said felf and mouth.

No, those have other meanings in the fantasy world, and they're extremely lewd. Lydia says, welcome to heart attack. Are you three brave heroes ready for your only chance at love? Pass. That's not an option, unfortunately. You don't have to play the deadly round, but we're still going to have a little bit of fun. Doesn't that sound good? Yeah, sure.

I mean, I cannot stress enough how uninterested I am in this. Okay. We're not going to have a good time with it, but we're pretty much prisoners, I guess. By the way, you did just say inescapable. So, like, how are things going? Pretty bad, it seems. A little bit of black smog comes out of your mouth, takas, you say that. Fuck.

And it lifts up into the ceiling. Those elves have their back turned to you, as you were saying that. and they're sort of like still sort of performing for the crowd. And you, all three of you actually see this. The black smog previously, whenever you've sort of expressed your suffering, just sort of raises up into the ceiling and disappears. This time, like a little portion of it, like kind of jerks in like a 90 degree angle and like follows a different path as if it's being siphoned off by something.

and it disappears, which did not happen before. Next to you, a screen, not like a TV screen, but like a sheet of fabric, raises up, and from behind it, a light illuminates, and you see a

kind of like human or elf-shaped silhouette, but it is so clearly not the silhouette of a living person. You can actually tell it, it actually looks like a mannequin because it has these like segmented arms and it's moving basically like that fucking scene from home alone where Kevin's trying to convince the wet bandits that there's a big party happening in his house. So it's moving around like a mannequin or a marionette sort of being moved by puppet and it's sort of waving

at you all flirty, all flirty like. Edward says, we're going to ask a series of questions to measure your compatibility with our hot contestant. Whoever charge you. with the highest lovability quotient, we'll get a hot date out of it. Are you three ready? Sure. Yeah. Woo! Yeah, let's do it.

The silhouette blows a kiss. No, you know what? Fuck this. What do you mean? I don't want to play. You have to play, or you can't move on. Well, I mean, I'm going to stand here, but I'm not going to, I hate this. As you're saying that, so much of that black smog is coming out of your face.

And I'm watching where it's going. Yeah, it's getting. It's getting peeled off a little bit. It's definitely, you're siphoning off like a bunch of this stuff. And actually, at this point, Lydia and Edward are looking at you. And as soon as they, like, turn around to look at you as you're complaining, that siphoning stops. And you feel that force in your hand. And you feel a thieves can't symbol that means, like, the time isn't right.

Like, you would put this on a house that you thought was empty, but it's not yet. and so the marks are home, and so you would put this on there, and then you feel the symbol for confirm. I make the shape of confirm. All right, fine, fine, let's play. All right. Edward says, question one. We'll go ahead and read for our contestant because they're very shy.

And they, this silhouette shrugs. Oh, well. Edward says, question one. Magnus, what is your ideal first date? Oh, gosh. Let's see. I would say, I pick them up, you know, roundabout sundown, and then we catch fireflies, and then I take them home, and we don't see each other again, because I'm really not

interested in dating. The studio audience from behind these bright lights, you hear them go, and the silhouette is like fanning itself. And Lydia says, playing hard to get, huh? It seems like our contestant is into that. Merle, same question. What's your ideal first date? All right, I let her pick me up. I mentioned to her that I, oh, gosh, I forgot my wallet at home, even though we're like in the front yard That's the audience The audience gets a good chuckle out of that And they are fucking loving Merle

I volunteer to drive Her vehicle And tell her it's filthy And so we go through the Drive through vehicle wash And she pays for that too And then I take her To have dinner with my family

And Wait, like your wife and stuff? She meets my ex-wife. It's not. It really kind of sucks. And then she's having a miserable time, and she's really mad. She can't wait to get out of there. I take it back to her house. And so I lean up against the door jam and say,

sure you don't want me to come in for a few minutes? And she slams the door in my face. That's an ideal first day. Well, yeah, big round of applause from the audience. one. And Edward says, I love your honesty. Taco, another question. Say that you and our contestant are on a date, and one of your fans recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation? Well, you know, I really, my fans come first. So I would definitely sign whatever pose for fantasy pictures, not fantasy pictures, but

fantasy pictures, you know, because there's not cameras. I don't mean like fantastical pictures. I just mean like whatever it passes for a camera in this reality. I think it's drawing, isn't it? Drawing, yeah, if they want to draw them like their French girls, that's fine. And, you know, I would just make sure that the fan got what they were looking for, because they come first. I need everyone I can get at this point, honestly.

It's absolutely silent in the studio. Yeah, and you see the silhouette cross its shadowy arms and kind of tap its foot from behind the sheet. And Edward says, kind of an air ball there, kind of a brick. That's okay. We'll get him on the next round. Great. Magnus, same question. Say you and the contestant are on a date and one of your fans recognizes you on the street.

How do you respond to that situation? I have fans? Well, one of your heroic fans, sure. I mean, I guess, are they, what do they want? What does the fan want? They just recognize, they're just like, hey, Magnus. Yeah, yeah, I don't, the question seemed pretty clear. Well, but I mean, the interaction varies, because if they just want like a wave and like,

oh, hey, I keep going. If they want me to stop and, like, sign a chair or something, whittle them a small duck, that might be inconvenient based on my schedule. Do we have dinner reservations? Are we trying to get somewhere in a certain amount of time? I mean, there's a lot of parameters in every social interaction. The audience seems, the audience is actually booing you now, Magnus. Oh, okay.

I guess what I mean to say is, since I was with my date first, they would take priority. The audience is now whistling and clapping and laughing for you. Cool. They're overjoyed. And the silhouette is fanning itself again. The silhouette is feeling Magnus. I want you guys to know, I am both weirded out, but my competitive streak is kind of taking over, and now I sort of want to win.

Merle, new question. Why shouldn't the contestant choose your two competitors? Well, because, I mean, look at Magnus. I mean, even though he's in his 40s, he's kept himself up. He's in magnificent shape. And would not be a gentle lover. Whoa. So don't easy, crazy.

Don't go with him. I regret this entire podcast. Don't go with him. This whole podcast has been a mistake up to because of this. Taco is, he's too much into his work. always chopping, always salt, always making sauces. And, you know, when he's not cooking, he's studying about cooking. So there wouldn't be any time left for you.

Whereas I am so old and I only got one arm. I don't have a lot going on right now. I don't have a lot going on. I'll do nothing but like pay attention to you. Taco. Taco, same question. Why shouldn't the contestant choose either of your competitors? It's me.

Hi, I'm talking? You know, from TV? There is such thunderous applause, and a chair actually comes fucking flying out of the audience and, like, slides across the set. The audience is losing their mind. The silhouette does not seem as impressed. I cast Tasha's hideous laughter on the silhouette. Uh, uh, fucking shit.

Okay. What's that do? Uh, creature of your choice, you can see within range, perceives everything is hilariously funny and falls into fits of laughter. This is all affects it. It must succeed on a wisdom saving throw or fall prone, becoming incapacitated, and it will stand up for the duration. Fucking. That creature with an intelligence score of four less isn't affected. Um, okay.

So I roll wisdom save? Yeah, wisdom save. That's a nine. Nope. Okay, so yeah, then this, oh, this is going to get bad. This shape from behind the curtain falls out of its chair, and as it does, you see its head pop off, and it picks up its head and laughs at that, and now it's like doubled over, laughing at that.

And now this, this shape behind the curtain is just sort of, um, flailing around in laughter in like, weird, like, inscrutable ways.

And the audience sees this and is also laughing at this. And, uh, gang, the scene's getting maybe a little bit spooky. Magnus is suitably horrifies. Um, and actually the lights have started to lower a little bit. And,

um, uh, the, two elves turn to you, Magnus, and say, Magnus, what makes a good hero? I cast true seeing on Magnus. What does that do? He can see things as they actually are. For the duration, he has true sight. He sees the secret doors hidden by magic and can see into the ethereal plane, all out to a range of 120 feet. Okay. Magnus, you, you don't warn him then, right? Taco? No, I can't.

I can't take the risk. All right, fucking Magnus. Suddenly, and without explanation, your vision changes, and you can see the audience now through the lights, and it is just a bunch of these fairly intricately put together wooden marionettes. They are faceless, but otherwise they are detailed,

complete with like fingers and joints on those fingers. And they are the ones. sort of moving around and reacting to all of these scenes. You see... As he's looking around, I say, You know what? Fuck all this. This fucking sucks. I'm done playing. Okay, then you see Mara Tako.

You see a black cloud come out of your mouth as you say this. Magnus, back to you. One other thing that you see is these two elves in their fancy jumpsuits, pantsuits rather. They don't look like elves, actually, with your current sight. They are both wearing black robes, and you cannot really see their faces inside of this robe. You just sort of see a faint red light coming from within their hoods, and they have like semi-skeletal arms and a body underneath.

and you recognize that they are liches. And you also see standing just sort of slightly in front of you, Magnus, you see that red robe. And it's the one that you've seen so many times now, the one that confronted you after the big race in Pedals to the Metal, the one that confronted you in the Cosmoscope in Lucas's lab, And he is standing there and you see him sort of siphoning off that black cloud as Taco is sort of projecting it into the atmosphere. And the other two litches don't seem to see him.

It seems like you are the only one that can see him with your true sight. And he looks over and realizes that he can see you and that you can see each other. and you just see this red robe put a single skeletal finger to its non-existent lips. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hey guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know me for my true TV show.

Adam ruins everything. Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun. What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talk to for just a couple minutes on the show, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at maximum fun.org. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy.

And we're the host of Rose Buddies. It's a podcast about the Bachelor Family of Products. We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, it is a garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile over the raccoons in charge around here. So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV shows on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required.

But it's a good TV show. What are you doing?