The Adventure Zone - Ep. 56. The Suffering Game - Chapter Six

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Our heroes are forced to square off against their deadliest former foes -- but their real challenge comes in the form of a danger the likes of which they've never experienced. Taako gets primal. Merle gets disconnected. Magnus gets a couple of helping hands. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, you see in this sapphire mirror another world. You see tens of thousands of these floating white lights, sailing over a giant lake comprised of swirling rainbow-hued waters. Another rift opens in space, and out of that rift, that white fire comes out of it. The red robe leans down, and you can, like, see the red robe doing this now, and it extends a skeletal finger, and it's a symbol that thieves use to let others know that. it's going to pop off soon. Cool.

It's fun. Three words appear on the ceiling. Boss rush begin. And all of a sudden, Cam is now levitating. Hell yeah. And he has the wand in his mouth. You could have done that this whole time? We've been carrying your head.

He looks over at you, Magnus. He says, spill slots. And then he points his wand at Jenkins and the two meat monsters. And he says, heads up. What's waiting for our heel? at the end of Wandaland? It's not a cool-ass weed-smoking caterpillar, I'll tell you that much. It's the adventure zone.

May I ask a stupid question? No, please. Is there some significance to Boss Rush Room? Boss Rush is just like a video game thing, like in Mega Man. Like, before you face the final boss, you have to fight all the bosses that you fought so far. Okay. That's good. That's good content, though, because that's good for our elderly listeners as well.

That's true. All the senior citizens that listen Who've never played a fucking Mega Man game Because they're not true elite gamers Yeah, they're new eubs They're casual Thank you Thank you for the compliment

Dad, you're such a casual You're a casual So Cam With his wand in mouth By the way, we need a retcon Taco, did you get your wand repaired At some point? Because I got a lot of tweets From folks last

Last episode saying you did Break your wand in the Ogre trial and the reason we didn't remember that is because it was 150,000 years ago. Yeah, that was in the novella that was given out as a pre-order bonus. There was a novella in which you duct tapeed your shit back together. I stu-o tape with magic. Like, it's ludicrous to me that I wouldn't have fixed it by now. Sure, come on.

Cam casts Maximilian's Earthen Grasp. and because there's not really any earth in here, a big old hand, bigger than a mage hand, forms out of some of the bodies of the mannequins in the back of the room. And this hand reaches out and tries to grab, whoa, what the fuck was that? It's just me dumping a bunch of dice on the table. All right. Getting ready to play dungeons and dragons. It grabs the meat monster on the right.

And it does grab it. for 12 points of damage, which is actually enough to kill it. So I think this fist just comes in and it squeezes this meat monster into hamburger do. And then as a bonus action, Cam opens that hand up, just flat palm and sends it flying across the room, smashing into the other meat monster and just kind of swatting it up against the wall. I, too, am a magic boy.

and I've never had a bonus action in my fucking life. What's the story with that? Cam is uninhibited, uninhibited by a bunch of extra, extra weight. He's an efficient. What do you cast spells with? Your brain, he is just a streamlined spellcasting machine. Okay. I can live with that.

Next up is, who is at the bottom of the action? Magnus. Yeah. I'm going to step up and I'm going to punch Jenkins with Phantom fist. Okay. Just for old time's sake or? Well, I'll tell you in a second. It's a, I rolled, it's a 20 attack. Okay. That is, that is more than sufficient. Okay, cool. D4, it's three plus four, so that's seven damage. And then I'm going to push him back into that sphere

of tentacles and Deloresas. Okay. All right, you, and while he's, While he's flying back, second action, I'm going to throw him a chance lance at him. Wow, shit. That's okay. So 12 plus eight. Um, or is it the same as rail splitter? Uh, it's the, it's the same as rail splitter. One hand.

Okay. So plus nine. So 21. Okay. Yeah, that'll do it. Six plus five. So 11 damage. Okay.

And then I recall it. That hurts him a lot. Um, next up is Jerkins. Which is what I, I guess it auto-corrected. I have it saying in my text document, Jerkins goes after Magnus, who is next to try to remember the order. So even my text document is not a fan. Taco, roll 2D6 cold damage for Hunger of Hadar. Yep.

That's a two and a three. Okay. Jerkins is looking pretty bad off. Merle, something bad happens. Yeah? Delores rears back her angelic arm to stab her magic sword into Jenkins. But just... This is going to be great.

But right before she makes contact, she freezes and she kind of flickers like a TV losing reception and then disappears. And Merle, you've cast this spell like countless times, but you've never... seen anything like this. In fact, all these hiccups that your holy powers have been going through all day, you haven't experienced anything quite like it in all of your days of clericdom. Jenkins is going to take a step back towards the mannequin pile out of the sphere of Hadars, whatever, and he casts out of Bill Hader's evil sphere and he casts dispel magic and the field of inky black tentacles disappears

all three of you notice at the far edge of the room just behind the mannequin body pile and sort of adjacent to the door the exit door to this room all three of you see I won't make your role perception check because it's pretty clear as day. You see a dresser just appear out of nowhere, and then it quickly disappears, and it's replaced by a bookshelf. And then that bookshelf disappears, and then it's a fireplace, and then it's a lamp, and then it's nothing. And Magnus,

with your true sight, you see the red robe channeling the black smoke to create those objects over there on the far end of the room. Taco, you're up. You got to pretty bad off jerkins. All the area of effect spells have been spirited away at this point. And you got your, you're, well, you don't know what's happening, but there's magical objects appearing in the corner of the room. Okay. Can I do an arcana check as a free action to see if I have any insight into that?

Yeah, sure. It's happening over there. That's a two. That's a cool, it's a nice dresser. You notice that. Probably full of wonderful clothes. But it's weird that it turned into a bookshunded. though. You're like, what? That's crazy.

It's crazy. I'm going to hit... Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention this. The room around you, it kind of... It appears like you're on the Rockport Limited again. Like, the room around you looks like you're in a train car

battling, and there's like virtual windows looking out to like the passing countryside, like you're on a train. Like, the room is recreating the scenes of these classic battles. What a nice treat for the audience. Let's see. I am going to hurt Jenkins with a magical spell

of my own choosing. Nice. This would be a spell that is magical. Yeah, I'm just going to do... You know what? I'm not going to get clever on him. I'm just going to hit him with a juicy, juicy scorching ray. Okay.

I got to make arranged spell attack for each ray. Are you scorching ray? There are three rays of them. Oh, that's fun, Dad. That's a good joke, Daddy. Not just bringing back an old one from the past. All right. You're bringing back all the bosses.

Yeah, that's a good point, Dad. Let's do all our old jokes in this one. Yeah, especially for one's trapped in a room episode, you know, where we all remember. Yeah, it's our bottle episode. Yeah. Especially if they're from other podcasts. Yeah. Janitor Morton's going to be back at 8 a.m.

We got a lot of time to kill. 1815. 18. Remember when Dougie found that dead body? I think it went a little something like this. 18, 15, 18. All three of those are, yes. Let me just roll some damage real quick.

Five for the first ray. Four for the second ray. Eight for the third ray. Yeah, for sure. Jenkins goes flying backwards as these rays hit him. And he is vanquished. And as he goes down, something happens that hasn't happened in a while. And that is...

We feel something. He drops his wand and Taco, your Umbrstaff turns inside out and sucks that wand in and devours it. And it's been a while since you've taken down a magic user like this. But you remember the Umbrstaff is capable of consuming the magic essence of your defeat. foes. So it has a little wand snack. Um, and it turns right side out again. And you feel, um, you feel, uh, energized. You feel, you feel like you've, um, recovered, which is weird. You haven't felt that in, in Wonderland very much. Uh, and you have, in fact, recovered your spell slots. Oh,

delicious. Delicious. Um, with that, Jenkins goes flying back. His mannequin sort of falls out of his form and goes flying into the pile in the back of the room. And that pile transforms with the help of some of that black smoke into a massive shape. The biggest shape you've seen so far, it's about 10 feet tall and it has sort of a conical shape. And then as it starts to take form, you realize it is the shark tank from your race in the Goldcliff Desert. And in fact, the screenings. The screen walls and ceiling around you transform as if to look like the the badlands surrounding Goldcliffe flying past you and you are up against the shark tank and next in the order is Merle. Okay. I'm going to, I can't heal. Nope. I suck at attacks. Can't crow, can't fly. All right,

here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to cast divination. Okay. This puts me in touch with a god or a god servant so in this case pan I get to ask a single question oh this is perfect thank you this is a game concerning a goal event or activity

okay and I have to get a truthful reply all right from the god uh okay I once again I love doing this because I like contextualizing what's going on so what's just happened is this shark tank has appeared

And then Merle prays. Hold on one second. And then just like starts praying. And everybody just like holds. Yeah. I'm of no use as long as my powers aren't working. Yep. And so to combat that, you use one of your powers.

You pray. Travis, I am. Merle is a deeply spiritual character. And in times he turns to his God. Okay. Guidance. Hit him into a religious person when he needs something. What's your question?

question. Hello, Pan. You want more? Or just a question? Yeah. Okay, and I have to get a truthful answer, correct? Uh, yes. Okay. What is going on with my holy powers? Here is the truthful response. This is Griffin, not Pan speaking. Here's the truthful response to your question, Merle. Pan's not answering And it's not Um It's you know Beyond a shadow of a doubt He's just not

He's just not there And he's not He's he's He's not there supporting you with With holy power He's not He's just he's just He's just gone

And this is fucking terrifying. Like you, this spell that you're casting is essentially like, uh, a, a telephone call of a prayer. And Pan has always answered, but not this time.

He is not there. And it's not like, it's not, you can tell. It's not like you're getting bad reception on your prayer. Like, you feel it going through. He's just not,

he's just not picking up. He's not there or he's not answering. You don't, you don't know the answer to that. but he's not he's just the reason that your spells aren't working is because they are powered by pan and right now pan is not there for you so i i get another turn then right um yeah if you want to yeah sure i think that's i think that's only fair but now my spells are working just not as well correct um they are working less and less well yes all right well then while i've got a little bit i'm gonna cast

bless on all three of us. What's that do? It is a, I'm still buffering. Still buffering, it's a copyrighted feature. That's fine. Whenever a target makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a D4 and add the number rolled to the attack roll or the saving throw. How long does that last?

It lasts, wow, up to a minute. Okay. I mean, that's 10 turns. So, yeah. So, yeah, so all three of us now can add a D4. Cool. Should I roll the D4 now or every time it happens? No, I think it's, I think they roll it every time they do something that the blessing works.

All right, and they get to add D4 to their attack or a saving throw. Okay, cool. Shark Tank is up. And the shark tank's not like moving at tank speed, obviously, or else it would like burst through the wall or something. Instead, it opens up its mouth and you see that nasty barbed spear that it used during the race. And it points it at Magnus and fires off of Olly. No, 14? No. Nope.

It just shoots and misses you and sort of skids across the ground and then gets pulled back into its mouth. What is attacking? It's a tank in the shape of a shark. Right. Okay, great. Yeah. Magnus, you're up. Is Cam not up? Oh, yeah, good point. Cam is up.

Cam is going to cast... What the fuck's Cam going to cast? Cam's going to cast lightning bolt. Because Cam's a good sorcerer, boy. A stroke of lightning line 100 feet long and 5 feet wide blasts out from a direction you choose. Every creature in the line makes a deck saving throw. Oh, shit. Oh, God.

Oh, God. go no no no the shark tank saves but it still takes half damage which is 15 damage normally does 8d6 it's a hell of a spell so a line of lightning shoots out and I think wherever this line

hits up against the wall some of the some of like the LED screen just stops working and and it like some sparks shoot out of it um you see something in the corner of the room again, you see, um, right where that, that same sort of, uh, collection of stuff appeared before, you see a potted plant appear and then a guillotine, and then a marble column, and then a coat rack, and then nothing. Magnus, you're up.

Uh, okay, well, first, I'm going to tell my shield the bold story of the time I fought the, the shark before. Yeah, that's the truth. That's a plus one AC. Okay. Then, okay. So now when I... The construction of it, Griffin, the thing shot out a spear from like the mouth of the...

Yeah. And the mouth is filled with, I believe, if memory serves, these rows of circling teeth that are like moving in opposing directions. And it does have its mouth open now because it just launched its spear attack. Now, is there still like a pile of mannequins? Yeah. It's behind it, but yes. Okay. Cool. I'm going to take a turn off to just go get some arms or? Yeah. In fact, I am.

I'm going to, like, listen, at this point, the magic people seem to have this shit down. All I'm going to do is, what, hit a tank with my axe? No, no, no. I'm going to do what Magnus does best and go pull the arms off some things. Okay. So I'm going to dash with my cunning action past the tank. Okay. To get to the pile of mannequins. Unless you do some sort of fancy maneuver, it's going to have an attack of opportunity on you.

Dash is just double move. It doesn't negate attack of opportunity. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So disengage is what I want, so I can run past it. Okay. Yeah, so I'm going to use disengage, run past the tank, and get to the thing, and I'm going to pull the arms off, maybe throw the bodies at the tank. Okay. Uh, all right, make a, make an attack roll. 11 plus what, eight? That's my standard attack bonus.

Uh, it would just be your strength plus your, uh, proficiency bonus. But yeah, let's say you throw these mannequin, you throw a couple mannequin bodies in, you pick one up with each arm and chuck it into the shark tank's open mouth. Uh, and it gets caught in the encircling rows of sawblade teeth, uh, and kind of gums up the works a little bit. and the Shark Tank's mouth kind of slams shut. Yeah. Next up in the order is Taco. Oh, sorry.

One more question. Yeah. This pile of bodies, they're all wood, right? Yeah. Okay. I want to start a fire with my Tinder box. This is, this is, think about a fire. You have six seconds.

I can't do magic, Griffin. Okay, but think about a fire. You have six seconds. Have you watched Survivor when they do the firemaking challenge? It takes wicked longer than six seconds. I'm not doing anything. Like, I got, I got some turns to wait. They got to go.

I'm last in the order. I got some time. Yeah, all right. Fine. It's fine. Yes, fine. You use your tinderbox and some of the mannequins start to catch fire. Thank you.

Now, we'll have some fun with this. Magnus, as you catch this pile of mannequins on fire. Very patiently. Very patiently. You see pretty close to you. now. You see the red robe create, using that black smog, create an oven, and then a pile of crates, and then a tall portrait of a woman, and then nothing. Taco, you are up. Do I recognize the woman? No, it's just, it is just a big rectangular portrait of a woman. What were those

three things again? I promise it's not important. Okay. You won't be quizzed on that. But what If that's what he wants us to think. Exactly. Taco. I am going to shoot this dumb thing. You have a gun? With a gun that I brought from home. I don't remember giving you a gun.

Yeah. Oh, I remember. It was in the same novella where he fixed his wand. Oh, right. It's the pistol of Petronius. Okay. You know what? Actually, how's this thing looking, Griffin?

Are we making much of a dent here? You haven't made any... I mean, Travis made its mouth shut. Oh, and Cam hit it with lightning. Cam hit it with lightning, yes, but it's still looking pretty fucking good. So is that all of its innards, everything is inside of it? That is such a weird sort of existential question. Are the innards inside of it?

Yes, the outards. I grow bored with his fight. Okay. So take that, Griffin. I'm casting polymorph on myself. Oh, fucking, wow. Griffin, I'm texting you. Oh.

See, because you'll need this information. If you could just describe to everybody what they say. Oh, my God. Justin, taco's arms sink into his chest so that he's just got sort of little arms and his head gets really big and really long and his teeth get very sharp and he grows a tail and he turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Meanwhile, Magnus is setting a fire to Matt. My name is Dubry.

Dupree. Dupree can multi-attack using its bite and it's okay, and also its tail. It's T-Rex tail. So, all right. Fuck all haters. What are you doing? Can I be given the finger with its little tiny hands? I'm going to bite its dumb shit off.

All right. I'm going to bite the motherfucker. That's a dumb. Plus 10 to hit. Yep. That's a Nat 20. Oh my God. That means you roll 8D12 plus 7 for that attack.

Okay. So should we all just like take a break while Justin rolls his 12 dice? Which one's D12? 8 is the one with the 12 on it, but that's no, it doesn't have 13. If you have one that has 13, you have gone too far. 10, 10, 2, 5, 11. 10, 2, 5, 11. Okay.

28. That's a 9? 37. 5. 42. 3. 45. Is that all of them?

It's 4D12, right? Yeah. So it's just the four numbers. I thought you said it. It's 8D12, bud. Well, one more. Why is it 8D12? Because you critted.

Oh, that's right. Okay, groovy. 11. 56. 56 points of damage plus 7. 63. Or is it plus 14 since I created? No, I think it's just plus

that. It is enough to fucking you bite the fucking head off this shark tank. And as you like rip the top off this shark tank, you also see the body of, I think it was Marvie was the driver. You see the

legs of Marvy sitting in the pilot seat that you chomped in half as pull back. Like the lawyer? Huh? Like the lawyer from Jurassic Park? Very much like the lawyer from Jurassic Park.

That poor guy. I always felt bad for him. He's just trying to poop. Can we please? Anyway, you've destroyed the shark tank. Hey, how long do you get to stay a fucking T-Rex? Because I'm worried this balance issues might pop up.

Yeah, that's why I was kind of thinking about it. I mean, I'm concentrating. I can't cut out their spells, but I can do it for an hour. Okay. DuPri. Did I mention he has the hat? It's fucking funny. Like a fedora kind of thing?

No, no, not in any way, shape, or form of a fedora. Like a sweet, fucking cool wizard hat. Is it T-Rex sized or is it still taco-sized? Still taco-fri-s. That would be very good. That's very good. Jontily, angled. Get ready, cosplayers.

The Shark Tank. The Shark Tank falls over, which is weird. and turns into just a big sort of subpile of mannequins in black smog and they all sort of congregate back altogether into the now flaming pile and some of the smog picks up all of the mannequins now the whole pile of mannequins has been sucked up into this new shape and it forms sort of a big tubular shape I'm describing the shape of it not how rad is, although it's pretty fucking rad, because what it forms is not just a purple worm,

but a purple worm that is on fire. Cool. And it is occupying pretty much all of the space in this room. Not all of it, but most of it. It's bigger than, it's bigger than T. Rex Taco is. Sorry, Dupree is even. It is, it is gargantuan, not as big as the purple worm that you faced in, in refuge, because that thing was miles big, but pretty terrifying.

And as this thing appears, you hear Cam say, holy shit, you guys killed a purple worm? Yeah, yeah? Did we? Dupree. I didn't think we killed one. Can Dupree only say Dupree? Is he a Pokemon?

Yeah, he's, well, his... He's like, I have to... Taco is focusing to keep this up, but he adopts the status of Dupree, and Dupree's intelligences, too. So yes. Yeah. Well, and also you've got a brain your head and a brain in your ass.

Yeah. That's true true. This seems like an opportune time for the second half of my multi-attack, which I can only have against two separate targets. So it's excellent that that one died and the other one came up. What are you using primal rage? Your fucking face of your butt. No, it's a, it's, I get one with the bite and one with the tail. Oh, I see.

I see. So it is, but. Yeah. So that's a 19 plus 10. Is that a hit? Is that one on hit? 29. Here's the thing.

It's barely a hit. That's, I mean, I'll take it, you know? Hold on one second. That's six, four, seven. 17. 17. Plus seven. 24, you actually only do 12 damage to it.

Because the purple worm, this purple worm is resistant to, uh, to, physical T-rexes? No, just any physical damage this purple worm is gonna be resistant to.

Oh, so it's a dinosaur, not the band T-Rex. No, no. Okay, all right, I got you. Although he can bang a gong. Yes.

And he does wonder about the metal guru is a true. The purple worm gets dropped into order now. Uh, and you see its mouth fill up with flames, uh, and all of you, uh, including the T-Rex and Cam need to make a dexterity saving throw.

I'm behind it. Huh? I'm behind it. Fair play. You're good. Awesome. What the fuck? Cam?

Cam rolled in 19. Cam fucking like, nope. Cam's head like floats up to the ceiling really fast. I mean, he's very aerodynamic. I guess so. Okay, so that's 11 for Dupree. Okay. And Merle rolled a perfect one.

Ouchy. All right. Does Dupree have different health than Taco does? Dupre's got 136 points. Okay. Let me get a slice. 16 points of fire damage. Wow.

The. Purple worm, this flaming purple worm, you also see where you whipped it with its tail. You left like a little scratch. You see it start to close over as it recovers some health. And it roars horrifyingly. And you see in the corner a tall rectangular crate appear. And then you see a window. And then finally you see a door. and as it forms this door in the wall, you see it's an open, wooden frame door, and it flickers, and all of a sudden, it's a cobblestone-lined door,

and then it flickers, and it's a big, great, heavy metal door, and then it's a big glass door. But it's always a door, and as soon as it forms, the Red Road looks over at U. Magnus,

and with its free hand, the one it's not, like, conjuring this with, it waves enthusiastically. Saute! Time to saute, boys! I take off running for it. the door. Okay. We can we can bounce out of combat. Um, the door, the door is, uh, the door is

open. You do have a team, you do have the purple worm there. Magnus is fine. Magnus was clear of it. Merlin Taco, if you want to get to it, you're going to have to do something. And cam. I scoop both of them up in my jaws. Ow! Holy shit. In a safe what, in a safe ginger way. Okay. Dupree. He's a man of class of distinction with two intelligence. Okay. Huge You do get them over there and the purple worm takes a bite at your torso and does hit Dupree for 21 damage takes a big bite out of the side of Dupree. And you get them to the door. Dupree, big problem. And we'll see how your two intelligence deals with this.

You're much, much too big to fit through this door. Okay. So, uh, taco, did I get them to the door yet? Yeah. Okay, good. Taka drops the spell because he's not a monster. He's just a wizard pretending to be a dinosaur and he turns it off and they go walks to the door. Okay. I hope you got them out of your mouth first. You definitely didn't. So like you did have a little like when you said, I said I got them to the door. You told me I got them to the door. Yeah, but they were not imply they're still in my mom. All I'm saying is you got them to the door, but they were still in your mouth. So when you transform back, a little bit of Merle's hand is in your mouth and you taste them and it's bad. I didn't bite it off the

We can't afford to lose another one, right? No, no, no. Maybe it's my wood hand. Yeah, it could be. All right. You all clear the door, and just as you do, the purple worm kind of rears its body up

to come smashing down, and you just barely clear the door as it comes down behind you, and then the door disappears. And, Magnus, you saw the Red Road move through too, so everybody has moved out of the room. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend,

and you are, oh God, I don't have anything. And your big dog. Big dog on campus. No, thanks for listening to episode 56 of the Adventure Zone. It's, what is this? The sixth episode of the Suffering Game arc. We are drawing to a close in this arc over the next couple episodes. I know it's been a pretty stressful affair, but there's, well, I don't know if there's light at the end of the tunnel, but there is an end to the tunnel.

So that's something. I have a few folks I want to thank this week for sponsoring the Adventure Zone. We have a Jumbotron message on the show. Thank you to everybody who bought all of our Jumbotron spots for 2017. Thanks especially to this week's Jumbotroners. This message is for Davina, and it's from Matlock, who says, We've been together for six years now, and I couldn't have imagined being this happy. Since you introduced me to the Adventure Zone, I thought the dulcet tones of Griffin McRoy would be appropriate.

Thank you for being the shepherd to my vicarian. the healer to my tank, the Killian to my carry. I love you more than words can express. I hope I said Vicarian, right? I did, right? I don't want Garris to get mad at me. I have another Jumbotron message here, and it's from Holly, the most beautiful of Scottish ladies,

from Stephen, the Grizzly Adams of truck drivers, who says, happy 25th birthday or one-year wedding anniversary, depending on how long it takes for you to finally catch up to this point in the podcast. I love you more and more every day, and I can't wait for. you to come to America so we can sing endless love with sock puppets till the end of time. No, Griffin, it's not a sex thing.

You're my whole world. A, don't you lie to me. I know a sex thing when I hear one in a jumbotron message. You think this is my first jumbo-trom message? You think this is my first stealthed out sex reference? No. No. No. I've been doing this a long time. You've got to wake up a little earlier to pull a sex thing over on Griffin.

Hey, thanks to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you do that, might end up as a character on the show. I'm talking about folks like Antonia, Antonio Dapieri, Tony Arena on Twitter. Rowan, polite botanist on Twitter. Cam, Splarf Lord on Twitter. Those are just a few of the folks who tweeted about the show using that hashtag,

and I thought their names matched up with these characters, and so I used them. There's going to be a few more opportunities to get your name on this campaign. So go ahead and get those tweets in. Now, we also sure do appreciate you tweeting about the show. So we do not have any way of advertise. Well, we do have ways of advertising this show, but we don't pay to advertise the show at all. We rely on the most effective form of advertising there is, which is, of course, word of mouth.

So thank you all for getting out there and spreading the good word. We sure do appreciate it. Thanks to Maximum Fund for having us. You can go to Maximumfund.org. Check out all the great shows that you will find there for free. I am talking about shows like Stop Podcasting yourself. I'm talking about shows like the Beef and Dairy Network. and One Bad Mother and Lady to Lady,

you can find all those at Maximumfund.org. If you want to hear other shows that we do, including other video projects, you can go to mackleroyshows.com. We do a bunch of different podcasts, and Justin and I do a bunch of video stuff over at Polygon. I just launched a new series that you may like if you play World of Warcraft called Peacecraft,

in which I try to run a little guy through all of World of Warcraft without killing anything. It's a really dumb, fun experiment that I'm doing. Again, all that stuff is over at mackleroyshows.com. Also, I have mentioned this a couple times on the show, but not nearly enough. Thanks to Mort Garson, legendary electronic music composer for the music that we use as our theme song. It is a deja vu off the album Adirxia, the Unexplained, which fucking rules. It's so good.

Mort Garson's music is so great. He also did an album called Plantasia that you should go check out. So to the late great Mort Garson, thank you very much. And that's it, I think, for this commercial break. Thank you all very much for listening. We will be back with another episode in two weeks. So keep an eye out on February 23rd, and we'll talk to you then. Bye.

You can tell that this chamber that you've stepped out into is not like the other ones you've been in since you've been here in Wonderland. It's pretty dark in here, but you can tell that this chamber is still circular, but it's way, way bigger than all of the rooms you've been in so far. It's cavernous. And behind you, you see. this massive cylinder and it's what you just stepped out of

but it's completely featureless except for a small label on its exterior wall that has your guys names on it and as you look around you see that there's a bunch of these different cylinders 38 of them to be exact all wrapping around a huge central staircase this big round central staircase which climbs 20 feet up to a circular platform

at the center of the chamber And as you start to approach that staircase, Cam kind of hangs back. And he says, hey, I, listen, I'm pretty sure you guys are going to get out of here. So I'm going to part ways with you now. What? How is he hanging back? I mean, he's still levitating. Oh, okay.

He says, it's like I said, Magnus, I'm a living disembodied head. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm alive is because Wonderland is keeping. me alive eternally just to pump more suffering out of me. So if I leave this place with y'all, I'm toast. Wait, so you'd rather, let me get this straight. You'd rather stay in here as a head forever in a place that feeds on suffering rather than go with us and be free from this. To be free from this place that is keeping me alive.

Yeah, that doesn't sound good either, Matt. Why did you come with us and make us take all those extra punishments? I thought I could help you all get out of here, and I did. Cam. I mean you cast a smell. Yeah, but I provided some sage guidance. Let's not split hairs. I mean, I turned into a T-Rex. And I found out my God hates me. You know. That's rough stuff. Anyway, I'm just going to go hide out. I guess thanks for, thanks for trying to rescue me. And when you see Lucretia...

Hold on. I'm going to stop you one more time. We successfully rescued you. You are refusing to be rescued. I want to make that clear. This is not a... a failure on our part right throw it throw him in your your your pocket workshop please don't throw me back in your pocket workshop i when you see lucrecia again tell her i don't know make up something heroic for me i guess nope um tad chad close chad hey tam what is it tam cam cam i'm a deal it's gonna have to be pretty sweet one if you let me kill you, you can live in my wand. No, I don't want that at all.

My umbrella will eat you. And you'll live forever. Forever in service to me. Imagine. What's the downside? Imagine the possibility. He starts floating backwards away from you guys. No, I'm good.

I'm good. I'll see you guys later. Good luck. We are never picking up another hitchhiker. It's just not going to happen. Can I have my wand back? He says, yeah. And he was wearing a, he had it tucked up into his, behind his ear.

And he just kind of does a little maneuver to put it in his mouth and he flings it at you. And it's super cool. That's okay. He goes and sort of skulks around and behind the massive cylinder that you all came out of. He just floats around eating, floating white dots and ghosts and cherries and stuff. So the one we came out of is the one with our names on it, is that right? Uh-huh. Okay.

Can we look, just like cursory look around and see? see if, you know, all the other similar. Yeah, roll an investigation. Roll an investigation check. I roll a Nat 20. Wow. That's a good investigation. Five. Magnus, you, yeah, I mean, every, every, with a Nat 20, you recognize that

every chamber has labels with names on it. You see one that has Lucretia, Sterling, and Rowan's name on it. Wait, one chamber that has all three names? Uh-huh. And there's a bunch of chambers with a bunch of different names. You don't recognize any of the other ones. You said Lucretia. Did you mean

Lucretia? Sorry, sorry, sorry, no, no, no. Antonia, not Lucretia. Yeah, it has their names on it. You don't recognize any of the other names on the labels. With a 20, Magnus, you also realize this cylinder that you stepped out of, it is, you can kind of tell, especially if you walk up that staircase a little bit to get a better angle on it. It's more or less the exact shape of all of the rooms that you've been in in Wonderland. So it was just the same cylinder over and over again made to look different through the magic smoke stuff, right? Yep. Cool.

A spotlight comes on from the ceiling shining down on top of the central circular platform, which you can get a better angle on if you go up that staircase. Yeah, I do that. Atop that central platform, it spans about 30 feet in diameter. You see a few dozen seated figures, all positioned around a raised catwalk that vivisex the circle. but all these figures are stationary because they're all mannequins. And all of these mannequins, they're the same ones that you saw during heart attack. They're all dressed up in high fashions, kind of like the stuff you've seen Lydia and Edward in.

And simultaneously, they all point up to the catwalk where a spotlight is illuminating the catwalk. Is anything on the catwalk? Nope. Is it time for us to do our sexy turn on the catwalk? I think this would be a pretty good time for that I look at Taco I don't I don't No I'm kind of freaked out

What's going on? I think you need to get up there and strut I think it's a fashion show I'm not a piece of meat This is what you were born to do Taco No I mean I'm not a model I'm a wizard and a chef I don't understand what I'm being asked to do here

I think you need to booty toch. Why? The things you're saying make no sense. I'm not just going to strut across a catwalk for your delight. All of the mannequins simultaneously sort of pull their arms back and point sort of more forcefully at the stage. And yet all of them are looking at one of you. Their gaze is sort of split between all of you. And they're all pointing up to the catwalk. I cast press the digitation, shoot sparks out of my fingers, cast minor illusion, and put myself in a dope outfit and start walking out of the catwalk

with all this style and panache I can muster, which is, I should note, a fucking lot. Yeah, roll a Christmas roll. Roll a performance roll. That's weird. I got 30, because it's fucking so fly.

That's very strange and interesting. Roll performance, you've got, you've got advantage on this performance roll. Okay, 16 or 4, so it's definitely 16. Yeah. The crowd is going wild. modifiers. You stop in the spotlight, in this catwalk, and the crowd is just fucking losing their minds.

And then all of a sudden, all of them are looking at you, Magnus and Merle and pointing up to the catwalk. I'll go next. Oh. Yeah, I'm next. Okay. I saunter up, and what I do is I cunningly take my hand and pull my shirt down off one shoulder. Oh, fuck. I gyrate it, and I look seductive, and then waddle across the catwalk to stand next to my shirt down.

my stunning, cosmetically enhanced friend. Roll a performance check. Okay. Another freaking five. There's a few, like, you hear like three of the mannequins be like,

you do not get as warmer reception. And now all of them are looking at you, Magnus, and pointing up to the catwalk. Awesome. I get up and I, using my chance lance, do like just a super sick kind of baton slash, you know, kind of like gun twirling exercise like you might see in like a

military show. Okay. Roll performance. That's the 13? You get a pretty, you get an okay reception. You get a pretty good reception for that. All of you are up on the catwalk now and you hear Edwards say, you don't see either of the liches, but you hear their voices. And you hear Edwards say, you did it. I don't know how, but you did it. And Lydia says, very few people have stood where you're standing now, having conquered suffering itself to claim their prize. Give them a hand, folks. And every mannequin just stands up and it's like giving you a big standing ovation. And Edward says, this resolve, this desire to do whatever it takes, no matter the cost to save yourselves. Do you know who you three remind me of? Who? Us. You hear Lydia say, there were three of us once, lifetimes ago. We had another sibling, a younger brother, Keats. It was the three of us surviving against all odds, the world against us, but Keats got sick, and he wouldn't get better. So Edward and I joined a necromanic circle to try and save him. And Edward says, we were unsuccessful, but we found joy. in our newfound powers. That's when we became liches and managed to sustain ourselves

with our love for our dear Keats and each other. But when that became insufficient, we discovered ways of using other people's emotions to sustain ourselves. Emotion is so powerful and practical. That's how we discovered that, well, suffering's much more effective than love. And Lydia says,

where the oldest living, well, unliving things in this whole world, I'd reckon. Here's a fun fact they don't tell you about litches. Your spectral form resembles what you look like when you consigned your soul to lichdom. That means we have to spend an eternity in the drab black robes of our circle. And Edward says, eventually we discovered how to channel suffering to create new garments for ourselves, fantastic garments. Then we learned how to channel it into other forms. We could summon small household objects and then bigger objects and then finally summoning entire rooms from the ether. That's how he came up with Wonderland. It's a perfect centrifuge for extracting

suffering from those who, fueled by greed, came to visit us. Wonderland has taken many forms over the past few centuries, but these games are actually kind of a new touch that we're pretty excited about. And Lydia says, and thanks to your animus bell, business has been booming lately. And every mannequin kind of walks up to the catwalk and they're kind of like they're kind of reaching for you like they're like desperate fans just trying to like get a hold of your the hymn of your garment um and edward says this place has always thrived because of well what else advertising we've got a few consistent channels surely you received a brochure in the mail or saw our billboards or met someone drawn here by a beam of magical light those are just a few tools of the trade and they served us well during

our residency here, but do you all know the most successful type of advertising? Word of mouth. Magnus, you landed on Skull in the last round, didn't you? Yes. Bad luck. And you hear the animus bell ring. And just like all the other grand relics you've seen use during your journey, the effects are immediate and horrible.

Taco and Merle, make a perception check for me. Yeah, I'll roll another five. Oh, 19. Yeah, nine for me. You see Magnus real backwards, threatening to just like fall straight back. And you both see a light cast out of the back of his body

for just the briefest moment as he falls. And then you see him spasm and come to, and he throws a leg back to catch himself before he fully loses his balance. And he steadies himself on rail splitter. And he stands up to face you. And he says, you know, boys, I don't think Wonderland's that bad. You know, I feel like I've learned a lot about myself here. And I feel like our friendship has grown even more powerful, don't you think? Ahem. I didn't say that.

Nobody hears you say that, Magnus, because you've just had the singular sensation of having your soul knocked out of your still living body. It was as soon as you heard the animus bell ring, and it felt like getting kicked by a horse, followed by this absolute numbness that if you had any breath, would take it away. And you see the back of yourself for a moment,

which is fucking, weird, and then your vision goes gray, and in fact, the world goes gray, and you are floating backwards into the ethereal plane. And the scene around you is still there, as it was moments ago. You see yourself kind of catch yourself from falling. You see Taco and Merle sort of looking at you. And you also see some other stuff, too. You see other figures in the room. You see small white humanoid figures that are hiding behind the mannequins and clinging to the ceiling, and as you start to look around at them, they scurry away and out of sight. But you also see a tear in the fabric of space, and it looks familiar because you saw something

similar to that during your time in Lucas's lab. It is a rift open to the astral plane where the souls of the deceased go after their death in the material plane, and you are drifting into it, Magnus, because you're dying. I want to push as high as I can back towards my body We'll get to that in just a second I want to get back to Merlin Taco I mean one thing you can say that is bad luck

That is some bad luck Yeah Truth in advertising Merlin Taco you see Magnus catch himself And you see Lydia now step out from behind Magnus And she has this She's wearing this black and white elegant Like Victorian era dress

And she smiles And you see a smile creep on a Magnus's face And for a second, you see the faint figure of Edward surrounding Magnus. And his image fades. And you hear Magnus say, I think I'm going to head to Neverwinter and tell everyone I meet to get down here to Wonderland ASAP. Lots of riches more than I could even carry out. So we know that Edward is possessing Magnus, right? Right.

And possessing is not the right word because Magnus isn't in there anymore. Edward is Magnus right now. All right. I'll talk to him. So, uh, Magnus? You really think we had that? That's me. Big tough man, Magnus.

That's me all over. I'm going to rush in. Let's do it. You think we had a really good time in here, did you? I mean, it was a little bit rough, I guess, but I think of all the riches that we found. You know? Yeah. All the riches and gold and rubies.

I don't remember that. You know what? We're all, we did a good job. We won the game. So I'm with you, Magnus. Let's head out and go spread the good word. Oh, but first, of course, we do need the bell, right? We earned the bell because we won the game, and it's the heart desire thing.

Yeah, I've got a way better idea. And hear me out, boys, my best friends, my very good best friends, Merle and Taco. What if you guys turn around and go back into Wonderland and I'll keep the bell and you'll just go back in there, but you'll get to live? How does that sound? Hmm. I got a fucking idea for you. Yeah?

And as soon as I say that, Taco's eyes go blank. Oh, shit. He is just catatonic. He falls out of it. His soul is gone. It's in a magic jar. The spell is called magic jar. The only action I can take is to project my soul up to 100 feet out of the container.

either returning to my living body or attempting to possess a humanoid's body. Okay. And I'm going to take Magnus back. All right. All right. All right. You cast your soul out of Taco's body. And as you do, it steps into the ethereal plane, which you've been in before, right?

It's where you blink into. Mm-hmm. And as you start to approach Magnus's body, you see. Behind you, you see Magnus, and he is being sucked into a rift into the astral plane. And you recognize it, too. You recognize the astral plane from the Lucas's lab. You recognize it as Kravitz's like home. It is the plane where dead bodies, where dead souls go to the afterlife. And you see Magnus getting sucked into this. portal. You also see his body in front of you, uh, and you see Edwards faint outline over the body. Which direction do you go? I fly towards Magnus. Okay.

Wait, which one? Uh, uh, spell Magnus. What? I mean, his soul, this is, trust me. The soul Magnus, you fly towards Magnus being sucked into the portal. This is so going to work. Yes. Yes. Soul Magnus.

Okay. Um. Magnus, you don't quite see Taco flying towards you yet. You just see the astral plane rift opening up and sucking you into it. And you've seen, again, you've seen the astral plane before. In the cosmoscope, you saw it too in the mirror. And when you saw it then, it was just this like tranquil sea filled with swirling lights and souls retired to rest in collective consciousness.

Through this rift, you see the same sea, but it is. choppy and it's violent and there are there's no lights below the surface um in fact you kind of see like what looks like an oil slick on the surface and the sky is stormy and pitch black and nobody's there cravitz isn't there um and behind you you see taco flying at you um taco what are you doing i'm just gonna i mean i'm disembodied so i all i can do is kind of fly over and try to grab him Okay. All right, you fly over and you grab Magnus's hand. Um, and make a drink safe. Natural 20.

All right, here's what we'll do. Taka, you grab Magnus's hand, just as his feet were being pulled into the astral plane. Uh, and you can see into it now, too. You can see into the plane also. Uh, do you say anything dope when you grab them? No, I mean, I can't say anything. I'm a ghost. Okay, fine. But you see each other. You guys, you guys see each other, right? And we definitely think some super cool action equipes. Yeah, we think something, but it's very private, so it's not allowed. Yeah.

Okay. You both see into this astral plane, and you can tell that something is seriously wrong. And just as you pull Magnus back, Taco, you see a hand splash up from the choppy waters. You see cravets. And he's struggling to sort of pull himself up to the surface of the water. the oil, this black oil on the surface of the water just twists around him and pulls him back under. And you feel that oil calling for both of you as well. And you're both getting pulled into the rift now.

But with a 20, Taco, you fight against the pole. And both of you are flying backwards towards the center of the room, back towards the catwalk. And Merle, you're standing in front of the two. The two liches, one in the form of Magnus and one not. Lydia just is there in her spectral form. And you're standing next to a Taco who's gone completely catatonic. What do you do? I use Plainer Ally where I can summon an entity from another plane.

I'm going to go into that plane and pull, let's see, pull Taco who's got a hold of Magnus, right? Yes. And I pull them back into this plane. I summon them. I summon both of them back into this plane. Okay. Then Magnus and Taco, you two are flying back towards the center of the room. The pull of this rift is still trying to suck you in.

And out of nowhere, just Merle turns around, turns his back to the two liches, and just outstretches his arms. And as he does, you see, like, spectral versions of his soul-werell. arm sort of reach out and grab you, and he's also pulling you back in, too, now. And he rips both of you towards himself. Tako, you are back in your body, and you're back, and you are conscious again. And Magnus, you're conscious, too. You're still feel numb, but you're back, but you're on the ground, and you're surrounded by the mannequin audience, and you see your friends just above you on the catwalk. What do you do? Am I in my body or am I just a spirit? What do you do? What do you do? You're awake. You're not in the astro, you're not in the ethereal

plane anymore. I rush in to, to my friends. I want to get back in the, I'm back and rush in. Griffin. All right. You jump back up into the catwalk and as you do, you hear fake Magnus go, what? And Merle and Taco, you see standing beside you, wearing a little. We're wearing a a plate of very, very, very fashionable elven scale male, you see one of the mannequins standing right next to you. I'll be having my body back, you undead fuck. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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Absolutely. You're absolutely right. You said it actually better than I did, so I have to think about what that means. Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show. Bullseye. Creators you know, creators you need to know. Find it at maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts.