The Adventure Zone - Ep. 57. The Suffering Game - Chapter Seven

Episode Date: February 23, 2017

Game Over. Taako makes some fashionable friends. Merle does some wordplay. Magnus remembers. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, it seems like the undead, or I should say the living dead, are immune to the voidfish's powers. This apparition, this red-robed lich, it starts to lose its composure, it starts to lose, and I mean that literally, like, the spectral form starts to jerk violently, and a bolt of energy kind of like whips off of it.

Taco, your Umbrstaff turns inside out and sucks that wand in, and devours it. You remember, the Umbra staff is capable of consuming the magic essence of your defeated foes.

Listen, I'm pretty sure you guys are gonna get out of here, so I'm gonna part ways with you now. What? When you see Lucretia again, tell her, I don't know, make up something heroic for me, I guess. Nope.

You jump back up onto the catwalk, and as you do, you hear fake Magnus go, what? Wearing a plate of very, very, very fashionable elven skin. Mail, you see one of the mannequins standing right next to you. I'll be having my body back, you undead fuck. Oh, Dave, what a whom cuss.

I think you might be doing some cussing of your own by this episode's end. It's the Adventure Zone. Let's roll initiative. That's always a really exciting way to start a podcast is the sound of dice hitting some table. And also the math. Like, people love it when it's just like, Welcome to the story. Now it's just math time.

I wish I had wooden dice. That'd be very fitting. Nine. Oh, my God. Oh, I have advantage, don't I, on initiative? I have a 13. That was my fifth one. And a two.

Awesome. Much better. What'd you get, Taco? Nine. Okay. So, before we get into the fight, something happens. That black smog, that black smog, that's all like surrounding the ceiling of this gigantic cavernous room that you are all in standing on this catwalk in the middle of it.

It starts to take shape immediately above the three of you and it forms into a massive steel beam. That just after it takes shape, it becomes sort of affected by gravity and it starts to fall towards you. And just before you sort of reflexively prepare to leap out of the way with varying levels of success, I'm sure, you hear a crash. And you look up and you see two human-shaped statues have also formed out of the smog and their arms are held up over their heads. And they've caught this big heavy beam that was about to fall on you. And all of you can see the red robe now, not just Magnus. Because Magnus, you don't have TrueSight anymore because you don't have your body anymore. but all of you can see now plainest day the red robe.

And its hand is outstretched in the direction of these statues. And all of it, the statues in the beam revert back into black smog that lifts up into the ceiling. Listen, Taco, Merle, I know that's a little weird, and you're just going to have to trust me on this one. He's with us, I think, more or less. He gives you a big thumbs up with a... I give him a wooden, like, a salute. Taco and Merle, are you guys cool with that? Yeah, I've watched TV before.

I know how these things go. All right. Seeing this new entrant into the fight and seeing that this trap made out of smog didn't land, Magnus, or fake Magnus, Edward inside of Magnus, laughs. And he says, well, this fight just got a lot more interesting. And then he reaches a burly arm up into the air and snaps. And suddenly the cylindrical chambers that are surrounding this central platform, they all start emitting these different colored beams of neon light that shoot up

and onto the ceiling of this massive chamber. And that outer ring of cylinders begins to rotate around the central platform, the floor of which has also turned into a checkered neon light. First in the order is Lydia, who is she is floating up into the air, and I think on her first turn she cast a spell and she heals

Magnus Oh that's Oh She heals Magnus for 38 points of damage Super cool Wait a minute I thought healing didn't work in here She says

Oh that's only a one-way street dear Next in the order is Real Magnus Mannequin Magnus Now Travis do you want to tell everybody what I made for you? I made you a little present Griffin made me a mannequin sheath. I would like to read a little bit of it Just the right side column Personality traits is a mannequin

Ideals to be a mannequin Bonds very few because is mannequin Flaws splinters and then under features and traits is a literal mannequin. Super great. Fears, turlite. You'll notice under languages you can speak common and mannequin. So we'll see.

Then I turn to all the mannequins around the table and I say hello. Yeah, I guess there's a bunch of, I guess there's a bunch of mannequins in the audience. And when you talk to them, they all start clapping and applauding and cheering for you. Any help? They all shake their heads now and shrug. Super cool. Got it, got it, got, I got, got it. it. You know what? I'm going to jump onto Magnus. Okay. Let's, what are you trying to do? What's your,

what's your goal here? I'm trying to get the chance lance away. Okay, so I think you're going to have to overpower him. I think that's going to take two checks. I think you're going to have to overpower him first. It's going to be hard. I'm very strong. Yes, you are. You're going to have to overpower him first, and then I think maybe slide a hand to try to like get the, actually get the thing out of its Hand? Yeah. Okay. Is there any chance that Magnus's body is having any sort of allergic reaction to healing magic? We wouldn't know before this point. What did you get on your strength check?

I'm trying to think if there's anything I know about my own body that would help me here. Do you have a fucking a weak point? Yeah, like I've never said it before, but like I have a blind spot. One thing about me is my soft spot never closed over. I hope no one ever finds out. I've got that trick me. My adult fontanel. I rolled a 15 plus 3, 18.

Okay, well, I rolled a 14, but it's going to be higher because... It's like plus 9 or some shit. Yeah, it's a strong voice. So you jump onto Real Magnus. You jump onto... I'm just going to use names and not like refer to body. That's going to, or else this fight's going to be garbage. But you try to jump onto Edward.

inside of your body, but he very easily shrugs you off. And I think you kind of make a deck save for me. Uh, nine plus. Okay, you keep, you keep your, you keep your footing, um, as he brushes you off. You, you, you aren't like thrown thrown to the ground. Next in the order is Edward. And he draws rail splitter. And he says, uh, let's see what this baby can do. Uh, and he does a goading attack to you, Magnus. Uh, that is a 21 versus 8.com. Uh, that is a 21 versus You see? I mean, that's right. Yeah.

I will say, Griffin, I'm confused here because I don't see him as the mannequin to have any advantages whatsoever. No, it's almost like you're a mannequin. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this body to make this fight not one-sided. Work with your friends. So I add a superior already died to the damage roll. so that's 16 damage and you have to make a wisdom saving throw Oh that's got to be good right 17 plus Yeah that does it okay you are not you are not goaded

For my second attack there should be I'm gonna make Just an argument here Griffin that because my body is made of wood I should take decreased damage No I don't think so You would think that being wood I would take less damage than a flesh body hit by a axe. Yeah, Merle, he's going to come after you with Rail Splitter. This is bullshit. And he got a 18 versus AC. Yeah. Okay. And I just want to remind all of our listeners, if you're sitting and going, but Rail Splitter against wood, that's only against trees. It has very specific magic. Yes, yes, yes.

That's only nine damage. I'm dead. Whoa, really? Yep. Well, we've had a lot of fun here with, No, that's not how death works, but you are unconscious. Okay. Uh, Merle drops to the ground as, uh, uh, Ataka, this is probably pretty upsetting for you. And you, Mad. I just been killed. Is nobody going to be upset? You're not killed.

You're unconscious, you baby. Uh, you just saw, uh, you just saw, uh, like, Magnus. And it's not really Magnus, but like, you saw your friend who you've been traveling with for a year, just cut down your other friend. Um, I, I imagine it's pretty brutal. But, yeah, Merle, you are. down on the ground. Next in the order is Taco. I am going

to cast Now, I've reached a point where when I hear Justin say, I'm going to cast, I assume the next words are like a thing that's going to break the sequence of the shit that you've written down. No, I'm not going to, no, that's not going to happen. I'm going to cast

animate objects on the I'm going to cast animate objects on the mannequins, and I can animate up to 10 of them. Holy fucking shit, what? Jesus Fantasia? Jesus Fantasia Barino? Dun, dun, dun, da, done, done, I'm going to animate all of them and command them to just like tackle Magnus. Okay, flesh, okay, yeah, yeah, all right, all right. So they have, let me tell you

let me, let me do this first, let me do this first, because it's fair play. They are also right now under the control of probably Lydia since she's like in, in, in Litch form still. I will let you, attempt this, but I think this is like, I think this is a fucking like contest of wills, right? So I think I get a taco advantage by speaking to my wooden brethren. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. What do you say? Friends. Manikins. Let me your ears. Help us. My wooden brothers. Join me in this fight against your captors.

Your controllers, they have used you for evil. And we shall use you. We shall free you from their bonds. And after this, we'll totally take you with us 100% guaranteed. Okay, they're into it. Let's do a straight up and down, int contest. Okay, cool. I got a five. I got an 18. Ten of these mannequins are now under your control,

and they kind of like shake their heads, and they climb up onto the stage, and you're just having them just tackle Magnus outright, or Edward outright? They have, um, 40 hit points, 13 AC, plus 5 to hit, 2D6 plus 1 damage, strength is 10, dex is 12. So wait, you can actually, they're all, wait, they're all attacking? What's up?

So this horde of, okay. Go my beautiful army. I should clarify, actually, upon further reading of the spell, if they're medium, I can only do five. So there's five. Okay, okay. So they, I'm going to do five attacks then? Five attacks against Edward. That's right.

Why don't you roll them? Just roll 5D20 And we'll do an average for damage And add it up like that So we get through it fast Fucking shit 18 11

15 5 11 Plus 5 to hit Oh well then I think three of those hit So yeah And what's the damage

2D6 plus 1 I just roll 2D6 and we'll 5 4 Okay so 10 So fucking 30 points of damage Yeah it sounds about right Okay so five of these mannequins

Climb up out of the audience and just start bludgeoning Magnus and He uses Rail Splitter to fight off two of them but three of them Get the better of him And that was a pretty good That was a pretty fucking good Turn of Events it just happened

Um, Merle, you're up next. Roll a D20 for me because it's time for a death save. Have we ever done a death save in the two and a half years we've been making this show? I do not. I don't think we have. We got knocked in, in Petals of the Metal. Taco got knocked out. Yeah.

I got knocked out. But I think we got rescued, right? I think so before this had to happen. So roll at D20. We have police. What we need. There has to be a competent woman somewhere. That's what we always lean on.

Our entire straits is a competent woman. Where's an adult? Roll a D20, Merlin, you don't add anything to it. You want to roll good. 15. All right, that's one success. If you get to three successes, you're stable at zero hit points. If you reach three failures, you are dead forever.

Merle's gone. Now, what can we do to impact that scenario? You can heal him, but uh-oh. The other thing you can do is make a medicine check, and with a roll of a role of 10 in medicine, you stabilize him like he has had three successes, but it takes your action up. Am I allowed to know what the number is? I got to beat? 10. It's 10. Straight up and down 10. If you roll a 20, it counts, if you roll a crit 20, you pop back up to 1.000. I am as dead as dead can be. On her next turn, it's Lydia's turn.

Actually, something happens before her turn. A big iron wrecking ball swings out of the black smog manifesting from the smog, and it starts to swing in your direction, Taco, and at the last second, another wrecking ball forms out of the smog, swinging in at a perpendicular angle, and it smashes into the other one, and it sort of sends them both sailing off course, like, splitting the uprights around you, and as they both sort of pass you missing by a few inches, they turn back into smog. Cool, cool, cool, cool. So Lydia's up next. She is going to cast on Manic and Magnus, ray of enfeeblement.

Uh-huh. And then? Blackbeam of inverating energy extends from your finger. Make a spell, range attack roll against a target. On hit, the target only deals half damage with weapon attacks that use strength until the spell ends. When's the spell ends? You make a constitution save. That's an 18 versus AC.

Yeah, that hits. All right. Half damage on an attack? Half damage save save ends. Got it. You are up Magnus. Okay. You know, I've never thought about this before.

Where does my body keep its items? All over, but as you just saw, it's going to be tough for you to get a weapon from your body. Definitely, definitely, definitely. I want to run up and kind of like throw my arms around myself. Okay. And in doing so, I want to attempt to activate my magnetic charge. What does that do? Magnetic charge, I've never used it before.

Okay. For a very specific reason that I will describe now, it flings away metal objects from the owner of magnetic charge up to 10 feet. Metal objects like rail splitter or the chance lance or the shield. A fist-sized glass ball with a blue button on top. Once the button is pressed, the ball will begin to glow and produce a magnetic field. The field repels any metal object within 10 feet from the ball. Take one day for enough charge to build up to use again.

All right, cool. Yeah, so I think here's what I'll do for this, because I like it a lot. Instead of making you overpower him first, I think this is just a slide of hand, almost like you're pickpocketing him. That's an 18, motherfucker. Yeah, do you have any bonus? Plus Dex, that's three. That's 21.

Yeah, that's definitely success. Okay, this is fucking cool. This is only a one-time use dealy though, right? So I guess it's all been, yeah, this is, this is, I can't not let this happen. It's once per day, but yeah. Yeah, okay, you, uh, manage to sort of, uh, get, get within range and dodge. I, I think he's at this point fighting off the other mannequins that Taco is sick on him. Uh, and you sort of get around behind your body and see this, uh, this clipped into your belt.

And you managed to get your mannequin hand on the object. and click down on that blue button. And sure enough, I think, I think his armor wouldn't go flying off. It's probably tied and secured onto him. Also, if memory serves, it's that cool raven armor. Yeah, it's that feather weather. But, yeah, the shield of heroic memories goes flying off the catwalk. And I think all this stuff goes flying off the catwalk and into the crowd.

So the shield goes flying off, rail splitter goes flying off, the chance lance goes flying off, and actually hits one of the mannequins in the crowd, which collapses. Merle, your eyeglasses go flying off. It's only a sphere of 10 feet. Yeah, and they're on the cusp of it, so it's not as dramatic in effect. You can see where they landed because they're not corrective lenses. You can see they're pretty close to you. And I can't see anything.

I'm dead. Remember? Right. And Taco, the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom falls off your back and skitters a few feet. There's probably some other metallic stuff that I... That's heartbreaking, by the way, because it's of no use to me if it's not looking cool on my back. Yeah, that's the whole thing. And then using my real-ass voice, I call chance lance to myself.

Oh, my God. Are we going to do a fucking Star Wars episode seven? Like, fuck yeah. All right. So I think you're both going to do it. I think here's the thing. He's also going to try to call back the chance lance. Because he kind of has your voice also.

Like we've had that in the fiction. So it's going to be fucking both. How does he know that? There's no fucking way. It's too good to not do it though, guys. Fucking cat. Make a, make a charisma. I think that's what it is.

I feel like charisma would remain the same no matter what body I'm in, but sure. That's a 16 plus 1, 17. That's an 11 minus garbage, because I don't think Magnus's body is very charismatic. All right. You both reach your hands out, and yours is the one that the chance Lance flies into, and he looks over and actually smirks when he sees how things have gone. And it's his turn.

Who does? Edward does. Oh. It's his turn. What does he do? Hmm. Oh my God, I know what he does. I'm so delighted by all these things I didn't even think about.

For instance, Magnus, Edward, is going to make a strength check to try to rip off one of your fucking arms. Oh, that's so poetic. Do you think that I'll ask you, just as fair. Do you think this would be a contest or do you think this would be just he checks to see if he can do it? Like would you use your own strength to like I get I think you would to fight him off from well I know this this fight has been all contest but like I kind of like the way it's going so far um I feel good about my role though oh no okay well off the table yeah I roll the three okay yeah he he he rips off your right arm and he says not his flesh bod right his wood bod. Woodbod, yeah, he rips off your mannequin arms. I had an image of it.

Ha! There! Take that! How does that, if I don't have blood and veins and stuff, how does that affect damage to me? Well, I'm going to just roll some dice, and I'm going to tell you the number. I would say it wouldn't. That you get, when you animate an object, it gets the stats. Yeah. That's 21 points of damage.

For unarmed? Yeah. Well, it's a special an arm because he ripped it. He didn't punch you. He tore your arm off. I'll keep that in mind every other time I've ever done it, Griffin. Magnus. Uh-huh.

Got something for you. Yes. You just got your ass kicked. And when that happens, you feel a vision sort of wash over you, and suddenly you are miles away from this fight. Meditating. well no you're your remembering but this act of remembering is so like powerful that you are you are just like in another state um and so you just got your ass kicked and you remember another time where you got your ass kicked and it was a time where you saved a dog from some bullies that were kicking it around um and you you remember this this memory really well um It was one of the things that you saw when you spoke to the chalice in the last, in the last arc. But there were parts of it then that you remember were kind of foggy, parts of this memory that just seemed a little off.

And you didn't realize it what was off until this moment. And in this particular vision, one thing that was kind of foggy was a big one. It was the sky. And as you look up in this memory, you're like lying on the ground. and I think you've just gotten beaten up by these kids, but you scared them off. And I think the dog comes and licks your face before it also kind of ungratefully takes off.

So you're laying on your back and you're looking up at the sky. And the sky is this unnatural light purple color. And as you stopped to think like, well, that's weird. You realize that there are two suns in the sky. And they're nearly overlapping each other right on the horizon. and you think, oh, that's, that's weird. But then you remember, oh, well, it's not weird at all, because that's how it is here in your home.

This world that this memory is taking place in, this is your home, this world that you're on now, this place you're at and have been for a while, it is not where you're from. It's Daegobah. It's kind of, well, it would be Tatooine, but it's not any of those wonderful licensed properties. Shit!

Um, and, uh, just like that, you're back in the fight, uh, just having had your arm ripped off. Uh, next up is Taco. So that was just like a fun memory. It didn't help me in this fight or nothing. Just a fun little, huh, that's weird. Anyways, back to where I'm getting my ass handed to me. Can you, Griffin, just so we, because I feel like a lot has been going on. Can you re-describe the, the scene? Um, there, you have a fleet of mannequins and are there, are there, are the mannequins still going? Are the mannequins still attacking? Yeah, I got him for an hour.

No, sorry, for a minute. Okay, yeah, you still got him then. So three mannequins are fighting, Magnus, who's just had his metallic weapons and shield thrown from him. Floating above him in the, about 10 or 15 feet up is Lydia, who is casting spells down from the sky. You have a nearly dead Merle lying next to you. Oh, I'm dead.

And you're not dead. and you have Magnus standing in front of Edward with his arm torn off. I'm not dead yet. Oh, that's good. Now, Griffin, can I assume that he took the arm that didn't have the chain? Like, I was reaching for the chain-play. Yeah, you still got the chainsline. He pulled the other one.

Okay, cool. That's something, I guess. Yeah. Go ahead and roll your D-20s real quick for, um, actually, I, just to streamline this, because I don't know how long this fight's going to go, and I don't want you have to roll, like, 80 dice every turn. I think just roll at E10 and we'll knock the number in half, and that'll be how many mannequins hit.

You weren't talking to me, the dead guy, right? You're not dead. Clinton, you are unconscious. You are betwixt the state of life and dead. And you go to sleep every night and you dream your dreamy dreams. You're not a dead man. You're just sort of... This is an ex-dwarf.

You're not past beyond. Hey, dad, we have a three Monty Python joke limit before you're banned from the podcast. Oh, right. Okay. I rolled 10 out of 10. Oh, Jesus. Okay. All right.

Cool. Go ahead and roll 2D6 then. Three and five. Eight, so fucking... Plus one. Forty-five damage. Yeah. Okay.

Jesus. And they're loving it. Yeah, everybody's loving it. That goes without saying. Everybody's loving it. The other mannequins are like, finally, it's our time to shine. All right, Edward is not looking so good, by which I mean Magnus is not looking so good, kind of, I guess. I'm going to cast...

If we kill his body, what happens to Magnus? Well, he won't die right away. Oh, yeah, that's true. Man, this is about to become the Taco Show starring Taco eggs. Taco and his wooden buddy, no name. Pinocchio. Taco and his friend Pinocchio. The little wooden...

Boy. The ghost of their friend, these three jokesters. This isn't that cool, but I want to try to do what I think would be the most practical. And I'm going to cast protection from evil and good on the mannequin Merle. Maniccan Magnus.

Manicum Magnus. Okay, what does that do? One willing creature is protected against certain types of of creatures, aberrations, celestial, elementals, fey, fiends, and the undead. It grants several benefits. Creatures of those types have disadvantages on attack rolls against the target. Okay. The target can't be charmed, frightened, or possessed by them.

If the target is already charmed, frightened, and possessed by such a creature, the target has advantage on any new saving throw against the relevant effect. Okay, cool. And just in the interest of B, I didn't roll to see if I broke the enfeeble. Oh, yeah, go and roll D20. Yeah. Roll the 15. Yeah, you're good.

Merle, before you do your thing, I heard you just roll. I just heard you roll your fucking comical jumbo dice. Did you roll the giantess dice? What the fuck was that? Yeah, that's the massive D20 that they sent it. Merle, you see a small shape up here above you. Or rather, I guess you're just kind of, you don't see, right? Your eyes are probably close because you're unconscious, but you feel a presence, I guess.

And Taco and Magnus, you do see. what appears right above Merle. And it's Cam's floating head. And he still looks really scared. He doesn't have a wand. He is completely unarmed. But he says, Hey,

Hey, Crimson Wonder, were you the one that cooked up that door earlier? I got an order for you. Can you make me up a healing game? And the red robe nod, and suddenly Cam's pedestal from the healing game that you all played in the last round emerges from the floor in a column of black smoke. And Cam looks down at Merle and then he looks up at you, Taco and Magnus and he says,

I thought of something heroic to do. And a mage hand appears in front of Cam and slaps down on the pedestal. and a just a beam of light shoots up from from the ground beneath the pedestal consuming him and the pedestal which disappears in a puff of black smoke and Merle you are healed for six hit points and you're back away Hey awesome cam cam in in Merle's defense he didn't see any of that happened He doesn't know what happened. What the hell?

Merle, you are awake and you are prone. All right. I am. Prone is okay. I am going... Now, go with me on this. For once. Let me do something in this game.

Okay. You fucking summon Deloress all the time. What are you talking about four ones? And look, they bumped her off. It's not like it was Roma Downey. Okay. I'm going to use the ring of the grammarian

Yes. Oh my God. To change divine word into divine wood. And you pop the most righteous boner. And this imbues Marionette Magnus with divine power

and heals him for 20 points. And heals it for how about roll roll a roll a D20 and that's how many you heal plus wisdom. Okay. I'll give you the rest of the shit and we'll figure out with divine power is in a second. I rolled an 11 plus three wisdom. So that's 14.

All right. So it gives him 14 points and he is divine. All right. And we'll figure that out in a second. We'll get to that real soon actually. Lydia is up next and she is going to cast Death Bolt at Taco. and that is a 17 versus AC Taco Yup

it's going to be a bad hit That is 19 points of damage Taco Been a good run Are you at zero? I'm a negative fire Oh my God

Okay taco goes down Taco goes down But this time his soul didn't fire out of his body To go on a rescue mission It is still in there and it is asleep. Magnus, you are up. Okay, so I'm holding chance lance. Mm-hmm.

A weapon given to me by a goddess. Yes. And I am imbued with divinity. Yes. I'm going to channel that divinity into the chance lance and stab Magnus in the back. Okay. All right, yeah, making an tag roll. Off the table?

it's a 15 plus 9 24 it wouldn't be plus 9 because that factors in your human fighter strength but it's plus your yeah I think it's plus 5 because it's plus 3 with your strength and then

yeah so 20 yeah that's good yeah that hits um roll 3D 10 damage okay 10 two four so 16 plus five I think for the weapon

right okay you rear back the chance lance and jab it forward and before it even makes contact a faint light emits out of the front of it like you're shooting a beam of

very faint but it's it's there holy light out of the end of the chance lance and that's what hits edward um and edward flies forward and because you're behind him magnus he kind of lands almost perfectly in between all of you um and uh you hear him say he kind of gets up on all fours and he says uh huh and then he falls over and almost like a, like a cartoon dead person, you see Edwards' spectral litch form rise up out of Magnus's body. And he says, did you really think? And before he finishes his thought, Tako, your umbrella has turned inside out. And it's pointing in Edwards' direction. Because whenever you defeat a magical enemy, um, the umbra staff consumes the magic essence of of that magic user and unfortunately for edward he's all

magical energy only taco could do away with me while it was unconscious i just killed somebody while i'm dead what's up your fucking umbra staff like rears up in your uh in your sleepy sleepy hand and eats edward hole um and like full-blown fucking ghostbuster style um um um and like full-blown fucking ghostbuster style um And Edward is pulled into the mouth of the umbra staff and disappears into it. But he doesn't go down quite as smooth as the wands and staves that the umbrella has consumed in the past. A lot of body to that one, huh? Bitter, some tannins. It's very hoppy.

It's an IPA. It feels actually like he's getting tossed around inside of there. Like he's banging against the walls of the umbra staff. And it actually goes flying out of your unconscious hand. really, really quickly. And it's just kind of like bouncing around the floor as he is just getting like tossed around inside of it. And after about 10 seconds or so, the Umbra staff turns inside out again and shoots him out.

And he slides about eight feet down the runway and then disintegrates into ash. And Lydia screams when this happens. And she drops down beside her fallen brother. And like immediately you can tell like something is is wrong with her because like she's losing shape. She's losing like the clarity of her lit shape and these bolts of crackling black electricity are like encircling her as she's losing her form. And she's right now she's just back in her basic black robe form like no fancy garments whatsoever. And she's coming apart kind of like you saw the red robe fall apart once before back in the 11th hour. arc, only this time she is not pulling herself back up together. And she she picks up some of the

ash in her hands and she says, I guess, I guess we still needed each other after all. And then she points a finger towards all of you and she says, I don't actually think she says anything. I think she just screams. And there's a flash of darkness. And there's this deafening roar and you feel this like dark crackling energy blowing around all of you like a sandstorm. And when it passes, she's gone. And sitting in a pile of ashes, another pile of ashes at the end of the runway, you see a small copper bell inlaid with a diamond pattern across its body where she laid. And you hear the red robe say, oh, my God.

And he points down at the ground on the runway. and Magnus, all your belongings, your, well, the belongings that you didn't knock away are piled up on the ground where Edward fell, but your body is gone. My beautiful body! With her last furious act, Lydia destroyed your body. Hey, everybody, welcome to, welcome to, welcome to the middle of the episode. I'm Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your clock.

I couldn't think of anything, but on my, gas right in front of me. There's a very small clock, and so I just said that. Thanks, though, for listening to Episode 57 of the Adventure Zone. It's one of the later episodes in the Suffering Game arc, which is drawing to a close, and boy, things are just about to pop off. I'm very excited for you to hear the rest of the episode, but I'm more excited for you to hear about our great, great sponsors that we have this week. I have a personal message here for this Jumbotron, and it's for Angus MacDonald, Boy Detective, and it's from our first Jumbotron. guest DM Chris Callison Burch, who says, you are in the bargain aisle of fantasy Costco. A sign reads

incomplete set, now only 10,000 gold. You see a familiar glint. You pull a fork from your pocket to compare. This is your grandfather's silverware. Your emotion swirl, joy, confusion, realization, betrayal. You smell brimstone and turn to see Garfield the deals warlock. What do you do? And I guess, am I supposed to, hmm, I think the better thing for me to do, and say, of playing this as Angus, is just sort of pitch this to the audience. And then I don't know how you're going to continue this correspondence with, with the entire listenership of the Adventure Zone, but you'll figure something out. Man, but what would Angus do?

Shit, I don't know, you're putting me on the spot here. Thank you for this wonderful conundrum, though. I feel like it's fleshed out Angus as a character. And I have a commercial message here. It's for Necronomacards, which is a horror card game, now available at necronomacards.com. And they say, is your idea of a good time

matching together arcane magic symbols to summon horrific monsters and ancient lovecraftian deities? You're in luck. Necronomacards is a fast-paced, cut-throat indie card game of pattern recognition and backstabbing for two to four players.

Beautifully illustrated and extremely fun and easy to learn, it is the perfect game for any fan of horror or mythology. Buy it now at www. nachronomacards.com and keep an eye out for Necronomic Cards, Volume 2, coming to Kickstarter in March 2017.

That's next month. We got sent this game. Thank you very much, Necronomic cards. It is, it's really cool and too spooky to be forgotten. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you do that, you might end up as a character on the show. I have ideas for how I can inject a few more characters into the remainder of this campaign. And every time I mention the end of this campaign, I do all.

always have to also mention that the podcast is not coming to an end. No, of course not. We like doing the podcast way too much. We're just going to figure out something different and very, very exciting to do. But we have time to figure that out as we move into sort of the end game here for this campaign. But we really appreciate you spreading the word. We don't pay to advertise the show at all. And so any growth that we've had can be attributed only and explicitly to you, the listeners, telling your friends who you think might like it. So thank you. Thank you all very, very much for helping to make this show what it is. That is it for this commercial break.

Thank you all so much. Oh, I guess I should mention the TV show that also launches today. If you're a fan of this podcast and you've listened to My Brother, My Brother, My Brother, Me. We did a TV show for My Brother, My Brother, Me for Ciso. And all six episodes of that TV show are live right now. God, what a bonkers day this is. They're all live right now at CISO.com, or you can grab them on the CISO app, which is on a bunch of different set-top boxes.

I've got it on Apple TV. CISO is amazing. They let us do a TV show. They have a bunch of other really great original programming. And again, the Mbim Bam show is up there now. So go check it out. We're really proud of it. And I hope you really enjoy it.

That is it. Okay, back to the rest of this episode. It's about to get, y'all, it's about to get wide and wild. I have, like, things are about to have it in this episode that I've been, like, looking forward to for, like, a year. And so I'm so excited for it to start popping off. And I just hope you, like, this is a weird thing for, like, somebody who's telling a story to, like, ask of its audience. But I just, I just, I hope you trust me because, uh, I've, I've got a plan.

It might be a bad plan, but, um, anyway, here's the rest of the episode. Next episode is going to go up on February. Nope, that's not true. March 2nd. So, uh, we'll talk to you then. And until then, keep it, keep, uh, just keep, stay frosty. Bye. All of you are still on the catwalk.

The bell is right in front of you, and you feel it's sort of calling all of you. Merle, you're up, but Taco is down, which you may need to rectify. Do we think our healing powers are back? You could give it a shot. I have a spell called Ray's dead. He's not dead. He's not dead. Not dead.

I'm only mostly dead. Oh my God. Python, Princess Bride? This show's gone at all. To Blaze. Blave? Wait. So did we beat the liches?

Yeah. Taco is dead, but somehow there's an amazing spectral something. And he raises up just enough. Like just the energy of eating Edward gave him a number. strength to say three words and Griffin does that sound right? Just have somebody heal you before you do this fucking like you are just revived by your cool catchphrase. I can't say hard ass shit 20 minutes after we kill someone.

Okay fine. And with the fucking Marks Brothers here, it could be upwards of 30. All right, go ahead. A Mark's brothers reference. Yay. It doesn't sound reference to be you say. Don't laugh so hard. You're Zepo.

Taco, what do you say? What do you, what do you, what do you astrally project in the atmosphere? Litches get stitches. To be fair, Merle, I think we would both agree that Taco would want to die after making that joke. So we should just let him go peacefully into that good night. The first thing I do before we do anything else is I check through my belongings.

He'll favorite taco. I check through my belongings to make sure Stephen the Goldfish is okay. He's fine. Yeah, you got him. He's just, he's blubbing around. And you recover, everybody recovers the belongings that were knocked away by the magnets. Except presumably me because I'm unconscious. Also in, also in my possessions are healing potions that I bought and never used.

I give Taco a fucking healing potion. Okay. It, it heals him some hit points. Thank you, pal. The number doesn't matter. And yet he gets... Thank God. I had a dream that I said the coolest shit ever.

I actually said that. It was weird, but I was the one who said it. Okay. The, yeah, so the healing is, the healing worked. You are healed. And you are, you are back awake, although you are still very bad off. And now you just have the, uh, the bell laying in a pile of ashes. And the red robe is, is kind of pointing towards it.

Should I get it? I'm talking to the red robe. Like, should I grab the bell? Yeah, he should. Should I get it? He shrug. Aren't you still a mannequin? Yeah.

You probably be safest to pick it up. Yeah, I pick it up. Okay. You hear a voice in your head as you pick it up with your one remaining arm. And this bell says, how would you like to live forever? I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up. You had other stuff.

Let's just roll of wisdom saving throw. I was an 18 plus whatever my... It's not good for your mannequin body, but the 18 is sufficient. You know, all he needs is a coat of varnish, and he is going to basically live forever. That's not a bad point. He, you hear the bell say, oh, okay, as you shut it down. And you have reclaimed the sixth grand relic, the animus bell. Just to make that clear, I've been thinking about this a lot since Magnus almost died.

And, like, his great reward is looking forward to being with his wife after, like, living. Like living a go. So like the idea of living forever is like the least interesting things. Yeah, absolutely. That all totally tracks. As soon as you pick up the bell. You don't see you did die. Yeah, can we point out?

I don't want to get technical about you. You are dead. Yeah, your body got destroyed so you're dead. I'm sorry. As soon as you grab the bell, you feel a, all of you feel this fierce wind blow through this big chamber that you're in. And it knocks over the mannequins in the audience. Taco, it knocks over your friend mannequins.

These mannequins also were kneeling by you as you were unconscious, like checking on you, making sure that you were all right. Yeah. And this big, this strong wind knocks over a light hanging from the ceiling and you see some black smog get caught up in the windstorm and it's just whipping off the walls and off the floor that you're standing on. It's sort of pulling, it's absorbing the cylinders all around the room, which are all turning into black smog. and this smog in the wind is now just so thick that you can't see anything. You're just surrounded by this deafening black windstorm. And then the wind shifts directions. It just starts going straight upward and the smog is lifted and Wonderland is just gone.

You're all standing back in the middle of that circular clearing in the Felicity Wilds. And those billboards that were lining the path into the center here, they're just gone. And it's just the three of the three of the, you and the red robe and about 20 other folks who are all standing in this clearing and everybody looks understandably pretty confused a lot of folks look understandably pretty miserable um and taco you feel a hand on your shoulder and you're healed for 36 hit points nice and standing behind you is antonia your your elf friend one of the three uh folks that you met in the woods on the way in, and she has a sash tied around her eyes, and her hair is now streaked with white.

And she says, I don't remember these voices, I apologize, but she says, uh, rough day? Yeah, yeah, it's been a hard one. I died twice, I guess. So I'm, and, um, that's been all the things that have happened. I didn't put, shh. How was your? thing. Yeah, and to help you out, Griffin, she talked to like Eva Gabor. Okay, I don't think that's true, and nor could I replicate that. She says, uh, my day was pretty shit. Are you a mannequin? Uh, no, my God, is that madness? Yeah, so maybe like, keep your shit to yourself, unless you're a fucking mannequin, and I storm over to the red robe. Answers now. Hey, I do have a question. amongst the retrieving our belongings

did Magnus did get himself an arm right he got his arm back yeah I plugged it back in like a GI Joe I think Magnus I think Magnus has his arm but it's not attached I think that would take some time to fix I hit the red robe with it he he catches the arm as you're swinging at him let's finish this first

we'll get to that you Antonia says well you I take all that I take it that this was all your guys doing, saving all these people, getting us all out? You mean destroying the entire building and wiping out a bunch of... Yeah, that was us.

Sounds like us. She says, no matter what you did in there, I think this is all that matters, really. You saved all these people. They wanted us to believe that we are who we are when we're at our worst, but you know, that's not true. Don't, don't you, Taco. Yeah. I guess I really didn't save the day. At the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter who pushed what buttons and who, betrayed who, really? The important thing is that we're all part of this thing called life. By the way, you're welcome. Hakuna Matata. As you're saying that, Sterling approaches you, Merle. And it looks like he looked when you saw him in that screen. He's in like his late 30s with this early silver hair and he looks gaunt. And for, like, he's silent for just a moment.

And then he drops to a knee in reverence. And he says, Merle, I made a terrible mistake. Maybe he sounds cool now, actually. Merle, I made a terrible mistake in that place. And it's what I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my days. I was the one who chose to forsake you in the first round. I knew I was sending you all to certain doom and I didn't care. and, well, that's not very lordly of me, was it?

My son. My son. My son, say three Hail Marys and six push-ups, and all is forgiven. He says, I'm so sorry for you, for what I did to you, Merle, in there. And I vow to you that someday I will use my considerable power to make it up to you. Oh, I didn't know you had considerable power. Yeah, I'm the Lord of Numerable power. Never Winter. I'm the most powerful man in the world. I don't like to brag, but...

And you were a giant douche before. That's awesome. Hey, hey, Griffin. Can we deal with the full metal alchemist situation I find myself in now, please? Yeah, sure. Your buddy, Rowan is there too. My chucky buddy. It's great. I'm so happy to see him. Okay. You used to have to eat food. Do you remember that? I used to be able to enjoy food. Yes, I do remember that. Yes. Now you live on sap. He actually started to approach you, Magnus, and then when he heard you, like, having a fit and being all angry. Having a fit, Griffin. I think, yeah. I lost my damn body.

I think he's a... Oh, just having a real hissy. I think he's standing away from him. You didn't just lose an arm. Magnus, before you have your conversation, you approach and you swing the club at the red robe. You swing your other arm at the red robe. And right as he like kind of catches it and keeps it from hitting him, you have another vision. It's another memory that you are remembering so like powerfully and vividly that you just aren't here anymore.

And this one's not like the other one where it was just like kind of fuzzy and it cleared up. This one is just static until it isn't. And you are walking through some badlands. It's this arid landscape of cracking. red rock and clay as far as the eye can see with a few shrubs poking through and you are lost you are so lost in this unforgiving environment and you you came here to hide something you like that part is still a little bit foggy you've you've made something and you're terrified of it and so you came to this place to hide it but you got lost and now you're so thirsty um you've you've removed the jacket

of your uniform, which you've kind of sweat through. It is a bright crimson red uniform with an insignia patch over the left breast pocket. You've taken that off because it's just too hot to have a jacket on right now. And you're just stumbling through this badlands. And you see a stranger. You actually see two strangers in the distance, a man and a small girl. And they approach you and they offer you a drink. and they offer you kindness and hospitality.

And they're really good people. You spend some time with them and they're just really good. And so you decide that you're going to hide your creation with them because they're going to be the ones who are going to be able to keep this cup safe. And it takes you a while to come to, and you're just sort of in this like fugue state because you've been quietly walking with the rest of the group. You're all walking with the red robed back.

through the Felicity Wilds following him and he stops you all in the Wilds and he says I don't blame you for not trusting me right now but I promise everything's going to make sense real soon I literally have nothing to lose so like sure you all hear a crackle of like a of what sounds like status and the red robe goes quiet and he really quickly puts a finger up to his hood and he he extends a finger and an illusory object appears and it is in the shape of your stone of far speech and he holds out a palm he is requesting your stones of far speech

and you can hear the voice of Angus on the stone of far speech and he's saying sirs? Sirs, are you there? You've been out of... Sirs, you've been offline for a while. Are you there?

And the red robe is requesting your stones of far speech. And even though you can't see his face, he seems like urgent. I give it to him. I look at Taco and I look at Merle and I say, do it. I want a receipt. I want a receipt. All right, here's mine. I didn't want to talk to the kid anyway.

Taco? Yeah. Okay, you all hand over your stones of far speech, and he crushes them in his hand. Oh. And hell yeah, going rogue. I'm waiting for this the whole time. Fuck yes. Off the grid.

I pull out my credit cards and shred them. Fuck yes. I move to Portland. Taco's always ready for this. I'm ready to go off the grid at any fucking moment. And Angus's tiny voice is drowned out as these stones are shattered. And right as he shatters them, something like thunder roars overhead. And only then do you notice that the sky above is, it looks like it's storming, but it's not raining?

Like, it looks like it's storming in terms of like the look of it, but it's not actually, there's no precipitation. And the red robe says, that was close. I forgot about that. About your stones. listen, there's not much time. Night's going to fall soon, and we need to make some headway before it does, because, well, tomorrow's going to be fateful. And he looks at you, Magnus, and he says, oh, I forgot something else.

And he conjures up another object. This one's not illusory, though. It's a small coin-shaped object that appears in his hand. And you hear him whisper into it, and he says, you'll need to disguise Magnus, obviously, and don't let anyone touch him or, will be discovered. And then he waves his hand over the coin and it disappears. Wait, am I now, like, am I covered?

Am I disguised? No, no. He just, like, took a note or something into this coin, and then it disappeared. Okay. Make a survival check, which is fun, because I don't think we've ever done this one. I mean, not great. 19. Hell yeah, Beargirls, 15.

Um, Merle, with your survival check, you are sort of leading, um, the party through the Felicity Wilds. Um, you are making your way towards sort of the, the main road to the east. And I'm eating rotten rabbits that I find on the road. God, Jesus. What? Yeah, listen, life's tough. Um, you... We've been walking for two hours, Merle. There was no need to resort to that. I have appetites.

You with your... Dark, dark appetites. with your really good role, you, when it comes time to make camp, you stumble across a clearing and it has a really well-crafted fire pit in the middle. And there are three stumps carved into surprisingly comfortable-looking chairs. And you know this place because this is a campsite

that the three of you made a little over a year ago on one of your first nights together. And you realize that you're really close now, to the road that connects never winter and, well, the ruins of Fandolin, and you're close to the Gervlin hideout and Wave Echo Cave. You're close to all that stuff. And you make camp quickly in your familiar campsite and all of you get a, well, a good, hard-earned good night's rest. And Magnus, you dream some wild shit. Too many things actually to remember all of the next morning, but there are two visions that stick out, and they are just as, like, powerful as the ones

that you've experienced so far. And the first is you're standing on the deck of a silver ship, and there are some other red robe figures standing around you, although you can't quite make out their faces. And this ship is soaring into the sky, and it's flying away from a land that is being consumed by this wave of darkness with these ribbons of bright green and red and blue inside. It's just being swallowed up. And the other vision that you can recall is really simple. It's the voidfish. Floating up into its tank is a thick book bound in blue leather and silver trim. And that's... Is it the noid fish? It's the voidfish's brother, the Domino's Pizza ruining noid fish.

And you all, the next morning, the next morning you all make your way through the woods, past the main road. And I don't recognize the book at all. I just know like, hey, look. Yeah. I have a question. I know you're on a roll and I don't mean interrupt. But these visions he's having, are they from his point of view?

He doesn't see his own. They are first person, yes. He is not seen his own face in this vision. Yes. And also he is, you don't know. Merle doesn't know about them. These are just Magnus visions. Well, this was your dad.

asking. No, yes, yes, yes, yes, I know. Who? I'm just so wrapped up in the fiction. It's me, Larry Burnside. I forgot we even had a dad. You know what I mean? Like, I'm just so deep in this story. Y'all, I'm sorry, my heart's racing, because this next shit is like shit I've been wanting to get

to for a year. Go, go, go, go! The next morning you wake up and you finish your journey through the Felicity Wild, so you go past the main road. You're actually not far now from where you've found those those dead horses where where Barry Blue Jeans and Gundren were attacked

and you go past that road and you go through more woods and you follow the red robe now as he leads you towards your destination and he leads you to the mouth of a well-hidden cavern carved into actually the very same stretch of foothills where you found that Gerblin compound where Clark was. It's a few dozen miles from that cavern but it's the same foothills, and there are some similarities.

The red robe leads you into this cavern and through a winding narrow path deeper into the cool depths of the foothills. And after a few minutes of Spalunking, you find yourself in a room cleft into the stone. And it's obviously the layer of something that has been cleared out by this red robe, which is its current occupant. This room is lit by several dozen candles, all arranged on a desk piled with men. magical tomes and maps. And behind that desk is a large wooden board displaying the whole of Fyroon with strings connecting images and diagrams at certain points on the map in towns like Fandolin and Armos and Greenhold and Rockport and Goldcliff and Neverwinter. And it's the board of somebody who has been tracking the relics and the bureau intently. And there's another source of light

in this room. There is a six-foot-tall glowing pod. on the opposite end of this room from the desk. And it's full of a swirling green fluid. And inside we can see something growing, or rather someone. There is a body being created inside of this pod. But the liquid is too opaque for you to see who it is. And on the desk, there is a scroll unfurled and held in place by several candles. And it is an incredibly detailed map with a route drawn through it in red.

And it's a map depicting with perfect accuracy the headquarters of the Bureau of Balance. And there's another thing in this room that catches your eye. A small, plain wooden chest, and draped over that chest is a red robe, like an actual, tangible red robe, not the personification that you've been talking to. And sewn into its breast, you see a familiar sight. You see a circular patch with a design containing 12 multicolored circles and a sort of, like, shifting, impassable text in the middle of it. Only Magnus, you can read that text as plain as day.

It's an acronym and it says, I-P-R-E, and the Red Robe speaks and says, events that have been in motion for over a decade are about to reach critical mass. There are gaps in your stories that are unimaginably massive, but before the end of this day, I promise you they will be filled. And he drifts over to the tank and says, I acquired this invention years ago, and I've used it to recreate my physical form several times now in pursuit of my goal. I've come close, but I've never reached that goal. It's because once I'm in my body, I'm going to forget all of the truths that I know now in my litch form.

And I can try and convince myself to follow my own commands. And he shows you that coin-shaped object that you saw I'm speaking into earlier. And he says, but, well, I can be pretty stubborn. and I also don't have any of my potent magical abilities inside of my body because I'm not going to remember the fact that I'm a litch at all. He looks at you, Magnus, and he says, Magnus, I see your wheels spinning, but I'm sorry, it takes months for this device to grow a new body. And we don't have months, fellas, we have ours.

He says, I'm going to go into that tank and into my body, and then the four of us are going to head back to the Bureau of Balance, and we're going to get the truth that we deserve. and it's going to be uncomfortable here in a bit, perhaps, because you're going to recognize me, but I'm not going to recognize you. So I apologize in advance for my rudeness. And he drifts towards the tank, and he says, if we all follow my commands, we will be successful.

I have been planning this for some time, and I believe wholeheartedly in my preparations. And he sinks into the tank, and you see one last time, the cowl of the red robe poke out of the tank, and he says, hey, Merle, would you be a bud? I'm going to be naked as a J-bird when I come out of here. Can you fetch me a change of clothes from that chest? Be glad to, buddy.

And he lowers down into the tank. And at this time, Magnus, you're struck with one more vision, and this one's a doozy. You have your back up to a cliff's edge, axe drawn, an army of shadows approaching, and the sky is pitch black. so black that the sky can't contain it all. It looks like there are columns of tar illuminated with streaks of red and green and blue just falling, just dripping out of the sky and plowing into the ground. And in the distance, you see a silver ship weave between those columns and fly out of sight. And when you see it fly away, you feel this sense of immense relief.

And next to you, you see a human man. and he is wearing the same crimson uniform that you've got on with the same patch only instead of a jacket he's wearing a full robe and he looks at you as this horde is about to overrun you and he drops the wand that he's holding and a black spike shoots out from out of the horde and into his chest and he staggers but he stays on his feet and he turns and he looks at you, Magnus, and he smiles. And he says, well, we'll get him next time. And Merle, you crack open the chest and retrieve the clothes within. A white cotton shirt, a studded leather belt, and a pair of pants, sturdy, denim, and blue. The membrane encasing this pod splits,

and green brackish fluid splashes out and onto the floor. And a stout, naked human man steps out of the pod, and you recognize his face instantly. It's the face of a man who you quite reasonably assumed you would never see again because the last time you saw this face, it was being swallowed up in the righteous fire that destroyed the town of Fandolin. But here he is. Barry's back.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. I'm Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host the weekly comedy podcast, One Bad Mother. We celebrate our moments of parenting genius as well as our failures. Just like, we're going to have hot dogs.

And I'm like, no, we're having fun. Everybody loves hot dogs. And I just like smashes that thing right on my chest. And then I'm just crying in the middle of like kids space while people are like literally dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it. Find us at maximum fun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Welcome to Podphone. What type of podcast are you looking for?

You have chosen funny podcasts about bad movies. Rated R. May we recommend The Flop House? Three friends talk about bad movies and make each other and you laugh. Rated R. The Flop House. is playing at your ears. If you download it, right now, or whenever. Rated R. To purchase tickets to The Flop House.

You don't need to do that, just download it. The Flop House, rated R, for nudity, I guess.