The Adventure Zone - Ep. 58. Lunar Interlude V: Reunion Tour - Part One

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

Our heroes' party has just undergone a fairly shocking expansion. They're now tasked with an infiltration mission that hits close to home. As the pieces move into place for the endgame, what do our heroes hope to find -- and where do their allegiances lie? Merle goes along for the ride. Magnus faces a difficult decision. Taako makes one last deal. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone. And Magnus, all your belongings are piled up on the ground, but your body is gone. My beautiful body! With her last furious act, Lydia destroyed your body. You all hand over your stones of far speech, and he crushes them in his hand. Hell yeah, going rogue. I'm waiting for this the whole time. Fuck yes.

There is a six-foot-tall, glowing pod, and inside we can see something growing, or rather someone? A membrane encasing this pod splits, and green brackish fluid splashes out and onto the floor, and a stout

naked human man steps out of the pod, and you recognize him instantly. Barry's back. Like Chilean miners rising, our comfy casual champion has returned. What other twists await us in? The

We see a wheat field on the outskirts of Fandolin, and it's about a decade ago. Long strands of wheat are blowing gently in the wind, and nearby a family of halflings are doing some farmwork. Barry Blue Jeans falls from the sky and is dead before he hits the ground. And from behind the wheat, a bright red apparition leaves the body. He takes a moment to collect himself, losing his own. his composure for just a moment, but not enough to alert the nearby farm. He bends down, collects some blood from his fallen form, and then ventures away. It's a few months later now, and he's followed some leads to an auction run by any number of dark necromancers and

warlocks and sorcerers who deal in unsavory artifacts. He's hoping to find one of the grand relics here, maybe even loops, but he's unsuccessful in that regard. What he does find is a lot with several pods that when fed a person's organic matter can regrow them a body within a few months. He decides to make the purchase, since his old ways of revivification aren't really accessible anymore. The bidding war is fierce, but he comes out ahead. He feels a chill wind move through him as he leaves with his prize, and he's felt this a few times now since his fall. She's found him again. He stayed outside in this litch form too long, too easily detectable, and now she knows his whereabouts.

He finds a crypt to camp out in until the chill subsides. Soon, in his new body, she won't be able to find him anymore, he hopes. We see his litch form entering the chamber that you're all in right now, only at this point in time it's inhabited by a small band of nasty-looking gurblands. He absolutely destroys them, then gets to work setting up his chamber, warding it for magical detection, collecting his research on the relics' whereabouts, unloading the pod, and beginning the reformulation of his body, and for months, while it forms, he does not leave this cave. He works on his map, endlessly triangulating, and he's lonely.

He misses his friends horribly, but he knows that they wouldn't recognize him now. His only hope is to find Loop. With her help, he can take back the ship that brought him here. It's months later now in Barry's reconnoitering the foothills around Fandolin, searching endlessly for the location where Loop ended up. And he's alive again, and following instructions he doesn't remember leaving for himself. Because he can't remember he's a litch. He's climbing a particularly treacherous, craggy incline, and loses his grip and falls and is dashed on the rocks below.

And his lich form sits up from the body and screams a curse. It would be more months of waiting now, more hiding, more time away from his family. And we see this cycle a few more times, waiting, reviving, obediently searching, dying, raging, hiding, but his litch form never gives up. His living form never fails to obey, even though he doesn't know who or what he's searching for. And then a breakthrough. A dwarf named Gundran Rockseeker is hiring a bodyman for his quest to wave Echo Cave. It's an ancient dwarven vault containing artifacts of a measurable power. It is exactly where a loop would have hidden the gauntlet. He leaves himself a new command, find Gundron, and stick with him no matter what it takes.

And the last thing we see is Fandolin, already a perfect circle of black glass, still warm. In the sky above, we see your sphere floating away, up and into the bureau. And his form rises with some effort up and out of the glass, and he almost loses it. He was so close this time, close to the relic, close to his friends, close to finding loop. Why wasn't she with them? If they had the glove, where was she? He couldn't do this alone anymore, and he knew it. He could not do this without his friends, even if they don't remember him, even if she vilified him.

It would take some convincing and a whole lot of waiting. But relying on these people, his family, was the only reason he was still here, half alive as he was. And he sees no reason to stop believing in them now. And now we're back in present day. You can make the lost noise now, Dad, if you want. And Barry Blue Jeans is in front of you. noise. Oh, what else?

You just sound like a sick cat. So either the doctor is arriving to save the day or my dad is having an asthma. It also kind of sound like the cowardly lion. A lot going on there. Put them up. A naked berry blue jeans is in front of you. Oh! And he says, I don't remember what I did last night, but I must have partied pretty hard to end up like this.

Who are you guys? And also, can I have those pants that you're holding there, Dwarf Guy? Oh, God, yes. Yeah, take them here. Put them on, put them on. They're still warm, like right out of the dryer. He puts on, yeah, it's a magic chest, I guess. I don't know why I'd know that.

So names, who are y'all? My name is Taco. The little fella is Merle and the brawny one is Magnus. Well, I'm actually a wooden mannequin now, so I'm not as brawny as I use. Picture this, but brawnier. You know what I mean? Well, actually, don't waste your time with that because that's no longer a going concern.

Imagine a pile of ashes. Imagine a pile of ashes. Fair enough. He holds his head, and he's like, I don't remember any of this. Do I know you guys? Where are we? Well, barreled.

We had a run-in several, I guess, months. I don't know. I haven't kept track of the time. It would have been over a year ago. Fanolin was probably a bit. about like 14 months ago or so. Over a year ago, we worked together on a thing. It didn't end great for you.

I don't remember. I don't remember any of that. We'll just take our word for it. Yeah, you've got a coin or something that I think is going to talk to you. He reaches into his pocket, and sure enough, there's that coin. He says, this? And as soon as he, like, lifts it to the sky, you all hear his voice. And it says,

eggs eggs buttermilk beans make sure to get the pento beans is this berry's voice I don't remember sounding as like nasty monster he didn't sound like

I thought he sounded like Tom Arnold I there's no egg He looks like Tom Arnold This voice inside the coin says Your name is Barry Blue jeans You are afraid of the dark Your very favorite thing in the world

Is swimming in very cold on a very hot day. You get ill when you drink milk or anything with milk in it. Your father, Gregor, died when you were too young to know him. Your mother, Marlena, had soft gray hair when you were born and was the most wonderful woman who ever lived. You remember them, but you have forgotten so much. And right now, in this moment, you feel a dull weight in your chest. It's the weight of a love that defined and redeemed you, but you've forgotten who that weight belongs to. Barry, I'm you just moments ago, and I remember who that weight belongs to, and I can help you remember it too. And Barry... Should we be here for this? This is very intimate.

Barry in his human form says, yeah, all right. And the coin addresses you and says, boys, this is my true form. And now that you know that, your brains are going to try to start to remember other things about me. as much as you can, you need to resist that urge. Because for nearly a year now, I've had to play a part that I'm uncomfortable with in order for you to not remember in order to avoid raising someone's suspicion. But believe me when I say, I've been watching out for you the whole time. So you need us to not remember. Got it. So this coin can't talk back to you.

It is pre-recorded, which will be a challenge, I think. So I only have one question, Barry, and I know you're just getting your sea legs again. Why did you feel it necessary to abide yourself that you're afraid of the dark? It seems like that's the anti-secret. You're doing reverse visualization right now. It seems like maybe you go to the dark and you just see how things go. Yeah. Were you worried you'd get to the dark and be like, why do I feel this way?

What is this feeling? So that was the coin trying to prove that it is Barry. Right? Like the coin knows these intimate details and so it can trust that. Got it. Yes. Got it. The coin says, on my desk is a map of the Bureau of Balance headquarters, showing you how to gain access to Lucretia's vault. It was incredibly difficult to obtain that information. I can't step foot on the base in my litch form. So I had to temporarily possess one of the Bureau's members in order to do some reconnaissance some months back. It was unfortunate collateral damage. it was necessary. Take me with you, follow my map, don't raise any suspicions, and you'll find what you need to fill in the gaps of your story.

And you keep me alive, because if I go litch for him up there, I'm toast. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, now we're going to work against the Bureau of Balance? Yes, Dad, surprising no one on Reddit. We are now going to work against the Bureau of Balance. I think this conversation should be happening in the game. I'm not convinced.

Yes, I'm trying. I'm not convinced by any of this. I mean, I was reluctant to help anyone, but the beer of balance is like, boys. I have no reason to distrust them. Beryl. Will you excuse us for just one second? I guess so. I think this is my cave, but I can give y'all some space if you want.

I mean, we can just put it on your clothes. We'll scoot to separate parts of the cave if you want. Merle, uh, Taco. I wasn't sure. when to bring this up. But in, in, in Wonderland, the reason I, I was so keen, uh, to trust the red robe. Well, I'll just show you. Uh, and I, I pull out the rolled up parchment that I got from June.

Okay. Uh, or yes, right, from June. Yeah. Um, and unroll it. Uh, I, at the end of it in, in, in, uh, in, uh, Refuge. June gave me this, and this was the red robe that helped set up the town and save the town. I don't remember any of it, but... Yeah, so you're showing us to them, and Taco and Merle, you're seeing this parchment for the first time, and you can see it's Magnus in a red robe, but you are having sort of the same sort of cognitive dissonance where you just can't, you cannot form the thought in your mind Magnus is a red robe. But you can see it, and it's kind of fucking with you a little bit.

What am I looking at? What? I don't know. Is this like one of those mad magazine covers? You've got to fold together. It's more like a magic eye. You got to unfocus your eyes, and then you can see it. I always sucked at those.

But I don't, I honest to God, honest to pan, Merle, have no idea. Don't even bring him up. I don't know what this means, but it means something, and I've been remembering things. I can remember knowing Barry before now. I can remember being somewhere that had two sons. Well, when you say that, Taco and Merle, you hear... I remember things. I remember things, but I have no idea why or how.

And all I know is that there's so much more going on. Okay, so here's my theory. I think there's another void fish. It's not a big cognitive leap. When you were describing whatever it was you were just describing, Which can he hold it in his mind? Yes. Whatever he's saying?

Okay. When you were describing what you're just describing, I heard the void fish crinkle tinkles. My ASMR was going buck wild. Yeah. It makes complete sense because I swam with the void fish. And they sang to me. Under the sea. Yeah.

Under the sea. Less than a sea. More of a tank full of our. And when the void fish sang to me, it sang two words. Egg and babe. Egg babe. Baby caviar. I think it means that the voidfish has a baby.

I don't think that this is an intricate, like, you know. Yeah, this is not a fucking puzzle. It is essentially a junior jumble. And the one last thing that you. should probably know, before we left the moon, I broke into the Bureau of Balance prison to talk to Pringles. Okay. And found out that Prangles was there because something took over his mind, which I think

all signs point to Lichberry. and Which is a beautiful town in Connecticut Yeah And you know It's what Gilmore Girls is based on And used Used used his body

To break into the director's fault I should also probably say As long as we're coming clean here That I kidnapped the two guards to the prison They were in our sphere When it got destroyed by the dragon So they're Toad's dead It was a chimera, but that does not change the fact that these two boys are gone.

So the moon may be already very suspicious of me, though they might have a hard time identifying me now, so we might already have a bit of a difficult time getting in there. but one way or another, it does definitely seem to me that there's something in that vaults. Can I offer up an idea? Why do we have to break in and sneak in? We have the bell. We have completed our mission and we are supposed to report back. Well, why make it a heist? I think one way or the other, the first of the other, the first of fact of the matter is, I'm not going to be able to walk in there with y'all. You hear the coin chime in, actually, from across the room, and it says, you'll need to disguise Magnus, obviously, and don't let anyone touch him or will be discovered.

Oh. Okay, that's tracks. Listen, I have an update from Taco Central. I have updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing. Not a joke. I don't trust you half pint. I don't trust Jeff from today's special. I don't trust Beryl, whatever his name.

Nobody. I trust nobody and nothing. And I have, you've convinced me to add the, the director and her crew, her coterie, to that list. But it does not extend that it is no one. There is nothing and no one. Is it at least a sliding scale taco? Do you trust us like little less or a little more than the director?

Where are we at? as far as like placement on the... It's a big old void. It's all orbiting planet taco of non-trust. I think at this point, Barry has collected his supplies from the chest and gotten dressed and sort of rolled up the map to the Bureau of balance and tucked it under his arm. And he says, hey, I don't want to rush y'all, but the coin just said we should get the let out. So I know I don't really know y'all, but I feel like I should.

and I feel like I should trust you. So I'm going to chase that feeling for now. And I'm ready when y'all are. I just want everybody to know. I'm convinced of nothing. Fair enough, Taco. I'm on board. I'm along for the ride, but just because I don't want to start my own podcast.

Fair enough. The coin chimes in and says, when you all are ready, just step outside and summon a lift back to your base using that bracer. Barry, usually I have you leave a bit of blood behind in the tank in case, well, the worst happens, but that won't be necessary this time because, well, this is our last chance. There was talk of disguised. You are disguised. Yeah, nobody's going to fucking know. You're a wooden man.

Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. Well, what happened to Magnus? Nothing. Don't worry about it. Also, here's our new friends. What happened to Magnus? His body got destroyed. No, I can't be there, Merle.

Let's talk. It can't be Magnus. Yeah, let's talk in, let's talk in like, let's come up with the game plan. What are you all doing? What's your prep? What are you doing? Like, I want to get this, I want to get this thing moving. Okay.

If, if tacos's going along neutrally, I'm going along pessimistically. I don't like it. But I'm pretty sure that without my investment. valuable aid, you won't be able to pull off whatever it is you're going to pull off. So I will go along for now. Fair enough. Okay. But I'm not happy about it.

I got to think through this. I'll unroll a big scroll on the table or something. The first thing we have to figure out is we need a plausible backstory for not Magnus. Magnus died pretty objectively. this can't be magnus this wouldn't this wooden man this this kim control that we have tailing us that's it folks by the way those are my two that's it those are the only two mannequin references you can legally or the FCC will come shut us down point of fact you got a pocket spa you want to live in my yeah you want to live in my portable hilton all right how about this i'm just saying barry and i could

hang out in there how much fits. I have an idea. I have an idea. This mannequin is something that Magnus carved along our travels. And then we knew we were going to need somebody to pick up the bell without being affected by it.

So Taco used his animate spell. So this is basically just like a servant. This is like a wooden bellboy carrying our baggage. That's a lovely story. I'm actually going to go along with you. I do wish I'd been there when we had discovered the fucking magnet. Just carving a human man.

Well, this is a man I mean. No, that's why he kept collecting arms. So he would have a model. That's good. That's, yeah. I'm into that. I mean, the director's been to Wonderland, right? So she knows there are mannequins there.

I don't think we have to make me super creepy to sell this stuff. Come on, tie in with the story. It ties up threads. Okay, fine, fine, fine. Are you doing anything about Barry? Are you just going to bring him up there, too? Jeez, we got to do everything. Just want to have this figured out before we roll.

Why not let you? No, we need a plant. I mean, I think the pocket spot could work for Barry. Let's do that. Okay. Barry, are you comfortable with that? You want to live in my pocket spa? Cucumber sandwiches.

Raoul is in there. He's got firm hands. I was not into that until I heard you've got Cukes. Let me at those green little guys. Hop in. Okay, he hops in your pocket spa, which shrinks down Pokemon style, and you now have a pocketberry. What do you do pocketberry?

All right. Which we're going to have to have a doctor look at. It sounds like you guys are ready? Sure. Anything else? Any other details you want to iron out? Can I actually, you know what? Just for shits and giggles.

I'm actually going to run a perception check. I have a 17 plus 2 on the tank that Barry was in. Like anything that I could pick up off of an investigation, I guess should be actually be the check. Arcana would be more appropriate. It's just a very super magical object. Yeah, it is a, it's necromanic in origin. It is currently sort of expended and it takes some time to recharge.

but essentially it takes a person's biological material and can grow a new body out of it. But it's not like a cloning machine. Like that body is essentially a corpse. And so Barry has been using this to grow new bodies that he can sort of pop into in his litch form to continue his quest. Cool. So there's no magic in it that the Umberstaff could absorb. No. The number staff defeats

It absorbs when a magic user is defeated It absorbs their essence I also want to scope up this map That he's been laboriously working on To figure out the best path to get to the vault Once we're actually You know in the moon base

Yeah sure It's pretty straightforward It's leading straight into the sort of Central dome that the like the relic Disposal Disposal chamber, yeah, and like the main sort of throne room type area leading into the director's office. It's in that room, and it gets a little bit more granular once you're inside there.

But I think we should, I think we should just move in. Yeah, as long as we can reference it later. Yeah, for sure. You've got it now, yeah. Okay. Let's do it. All right, you all step outside from the cave, and it's kind of rough out here. Those storm clouds are now overhead.

But again, it is not raining. It is not storming. And sort of weirdly, these clouds are still. They are not blowing and moving. They are just kind of still. Another thing you, everybody roll a perception check. 12. I rolled a nine plus something.

Nice. Yep. My luck continues. Nine plus zero. All right. Taco, it is very faint. But you notice that like, the grass ain't as green

and the trees nearby they look like they are kind of wilting a little bit like it looks like that color is being drained from the world around you you are outside and

if you want to summon a lift up to the up to the bureau you know how to do it. I don't know, Griffin, during prime time, there's going to be an increase of like 200% cost. It's a joke about lifts? Yeah, I got you.

Okay. All right, I hit the Uber button on the bracer. Sure. Before it gets here, I should also say, boys, one, keep in mind, you're probably going to have to explain the stones of far speech being gone. Two, I'm probably not going to be able to talk.

So I'm going to just like, you know, automaton it. pretty hard, you know, wooden statue and all that. So you might have to do the talking for me. Okay, one, you've done a pretty good job of not talking up to this point by filling us in on all this crap. And two, okay. Luckily, I reach into my bag of necessity here. Not my bag of necessity, just my regular inventory.

Sorry, I reached my inventory and pull out my band of telepathic thought. That lets me communicate with Magnus. Why can we just... Okay, listen, I know we've been doing this show for a couple years. Can I just like tell you guys fuck you for picking names and start with the same letter? Yeah, it's free.

Every time I talk about you, I have to remember which one of you is which one. It's really miserable for me. Tea, taco, taco, taco, easy to remember. Yeah. Who knows? Well, you know what? We're just learning all kinds of stuff about each other today, aren't we? just kills me. Okay. Sorry. But I'll guess, I don't remember Griff. That was something I bought at

Fantasy Costco, I think. Yeah. Oh, you know what? It was a fantasy gotchap on. Yes. Let's, let's not worry about it. You can communicate with Magnus telepathically. But the other cats can't. No. Can we just make it to the can because I think it'd be weird. No. No. No, you're right. You're right. When you slip on the telepathic band, you hear a voice. and it is a very, very familiar voice, and when you hear it, your heart swells up. And you don't know why. And you don't, again, you don't know who it belongs to. And you don't even know where it's coming from.

But it's close by, and you hear this voice. And it sounds like somebody is sort of whispering to you from a few hundred feet away in a cave. and you really have to listen for it. But this voice says, Trust Barry, love Barry. Those are the only words that you can kind of hear repeated. Trust Barry, love Barry.

It's trying to like communicate something to you more like panicked now. But as it is talking to you, you hear the voidfish is static. And you hear this voice say, Taco, it's me. It's, it's me. trust bearing. Is it

Kravitz? It's not. No. It's a, it's a woman's it's a woman's voice. Okay. It's that same dissonance again where this voice is so special to you. Like, and it's like infuriating. Like you can't remember who it belongs to you. You can't remember why it's like a sense memory or like you smell a smell and you feel

positive and you don't know why. Like you don't know what it's connected to? Yeah. It's like that. Yeah. Okay. What about Merle? No, I'll tell you what. No, no. Let me answer that. If you two guys are going, I'm not going to let you go without me. So let's go. The orb, you see it come down from that stormy sky very, very, very quickly.

But then its inertia sort of slows down and it tumbles to a stop right sort of in front of you. Point of order, Magnus, you're not wearing your bracer. It's not you have it. It's in your inventory. but it's not on your body, which is not, I guess, of note, although it's kind of worth knowing. Your bracer was on your body,

and then when your body got ashed, it was just sort of sitting in the ash, and now you just kind of have it, but you can't really put it on because it's still, like, closed in. Am I wearing my stuff? Or is it, like, all wrapped up in, like, a bundle in my back?

It's up to you, are you wearing your stuff? I think it probably makes more sense if I'm trying to sneak in and not look like myself. if I'm wearing whatever the fancy elven armor the mannequin hat on was. All right, cool. But I'm still going to keep it like all with me.

You know what I mean? Sure, yeah, absolutely. The hatch on the orb pops open. There are four seats and the little control mechanism that you've used a couple times now to get back up up in a heaven. We get in.

We pull the lever. All right. And off we go. It's awesome. Up. Dun, da, da, da, da. Griffin composes music for the, this program, right. I forgot again. Sorry.

No, that's it. He actually got it, like note for note. That's exactly. I was going to do some, I was going to do some clown bullshit. I actually have it written down in my notes right here. It says, uh, BPM 128, uh, 4-4 time clown bullshit.

Let me finish. Dun, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I think that's, I think people got it. Okay, good, good. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your just your best friend. I really want to stress that one this episode.

Thanks for us in to episode 58 of The Adventure Zone. It is the first of what will hopefully only be two parts of the final lunar interlude here in this campaign before we move on to whatever is next for the Adventure Zone. I want to do a quick programming note here and say that I saw a lot of people on Twitter anticipating this episode thinking it was going to be like the finale, the final episode of this campaign arc and um i don't i don't necessarily know i'm going to give a long lead time on like letting you know when the finale finale is actually coming but i will make sure to let you know i wouldn't just be like boop here it is last episode have fun bye um i i we have a few more episodes to get through

before we move into uh finale territory because there's a few um missing pieces a few threads uh that that we all kind of need to tie up before we before we get to the real end game but i promise i will let you know when the last episode of this campaign arc is going to go up because, well, you'll know because you'll see me just doing nothing but panicked tweeting for about a week and a half. So please look forward to that. Got a few jumbo-trons for this week's show. We've had an influx of folks asking us for birthday shout-outs and stuff like that. And unfortunately, we kind of have to stick with the jumbo-tron system, even though we're sold

out to accommodate those. Otherwise, it would be unfair to the people who, who, who, who, paid. And also, like, we can't spend this whole money's own spot, uh, just, just doing like a billion shout out. So, um, thank you to everybody who has supported the show with the Jumbo Trons. I'm talking about folks like, uh, Elena, who has this message for Travis. And she specifies mine, not yours. Who said, and Elena says, Dear Future Husband, happy four year anniversary, March 1st and 30th birthday, March 15th. Hey, I'm kind of in between there. You are a bomb-ass chef, an awesome DM, and a very handsome boyfriend. How did I get so lucky? Remember that time you surprised me by bringing home two

sweet kitties? I love you. Marrying you and may is going to be the best. Love, you're always wife. There's so much sweet stuff in that message, not the least of which being the two kitties. Surprise, here's two kitties. I never get surprised with two kitties. I'm just kidding. I have a newborn baby. I don't want any more kitties or really responsibility of any kind. But I'm happy for you in these kiddies and this great, great love that you have. So congratulations. Here's a message for, oh, for Team McElroy. And it's from Team Avedon Sutton, who says, so this is supposed to be a sweet nerdy love note celebrating our exceptionally nerdy marriage. But seeing as how y'all have been so busy getting your own nerd love on, and it's now solidly six months after we got married, we've decided to

just to congratulate you on your awesome new nerdy babies. You guys are like the podcast soundtrack of our love. Well, thank you, Team Avedon Sutton. Boy, I hope our babies are nerdy. I will not even know what to do with a jock baby. Just kidding. I'll get real into Texas high school football. Hell, yeah. Are you kidding me?

Yes, I'll live that Friday Night Lights dream. Just me and Tammy Taylor, just drinking white wine on a Sunday. That's everything to me. I want to say thank you to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. Here in a bit, I'm going to have an opportunity for some more names. And so if you tweet about that show using the Zonecast hashtag, you might up as a character on the show like so many of basically all of the NPCs that have ever been on this show. Thank you to everybody for tweeting also just to like spread the word because we don't

pay to advertise the show at all, but I love this show. It's very important to me. And so anything you can do to get more people listening, I certainly appreciate. Thank you to everybody also who bought tickets to come see our live show at the Paramount here in Austin and May. I apologize profusely for how much of a cluster fuck that system was. We didn't really, we didn't quite know or anticipate that we have such a gargantuan turnout when it came to buy tickets. And I know their website had some trouble with the ticket purchasing Q and some folks lost their spots. I really am very, very, very, very sorry. That bums me out in a pretty major way. But if you didn't get a ticket, don't worry, we will release the audio of that episode. I still have no idea what that one's going to be. I need to

really lock myself in the think tank and figure it out. But yeah, that's going to do it for this ad break. We're going to get back to the rest of the episode. We're going to hop back with another cutscene before we get back into the action. I hope those cutscenes aren't too onerous, but there's a lot of story left to tell taking place in a lot of different timeline. So this is me trying to just sort of reconcile everything. So yeah, enjoy the rest of the episode. The next one, and I swear I'll get this right this time. The next episode will go up on March 23rd.

Thursday, March 23rd, not the 16th, the 23rd. So I'll talk to you then. Bye. We see the astral plane. Just a few hours ago. This scene is, no pun intended, dead. There are no lights below the surface of the endless lake, no movement from the water at all,

no sounds of spirits drifting beneath. There's only the motionless storm overhead, the thick layer of black ooze with ribbons of bright color sitting atop the water. We see the eternal stockade, the prison in which ill-tempered souls are kept, where escapees from the astroplane are detained and rehabilitated. It is a large, cold fortress hewn from stone and reinforced with steel,

sitting on a solitary island on this dead black lake. And it is disquietingly still and silent for a long time. And then from far away we see a hand punch up through the oil slick surface, sending the only ripples out from this scene for miles. Cravitz has thrashed his way out of the water, fighting through God knows what to break free. He hoists himself up and onto the island the Eternal Stockade is built upon, cutting strands of thick slime away from himself with his scythe,

which he retrieves from the ether as he takes his reaper form. Hands attached to long, tenebrous arms materialize in the slime and fly in his direction, but he's too fast now, too aware. They won't catch him off guard again. He clears a few with a decisive swing of his scythe, then dashes backwards, throwing open the door to the stockade and barricading himself inside. It's darkened still in here, too, but it's always darkened still in the stockade. Cravitz had seen so much during his time as the Raven Queen's charge,

things that most adventurers given ten lifetimes would never even dream of. Arcane cults worshipping dragons made of light, cities of vast machinery and towers of gilded iron, crystallized laboratories rescued by lovable duffuses. But this scene, the world made ink-black and frozen. He's never seen anything that could do this before. And if it's happening in the other planes, he knows he has his work cut out for him today.

He raises his scythe and cuts a familiar slice through the air, but no gateway to the living world opens up. He tries again and then a third time to no avail. He hurriedly falls to one knee, pulling a fistful of black feathers from a pocket inside his robe. He lays five feathers out in a circle, attempting to commune with the Raven Queen, comfort and guidance.

But for the first time since he joined her retinue, the Raven Queen doesn't answer. Kravitz does not know what's happening, but now he knows two things, at least. He is trapped, and he is alone. You lift up into the hangar. And actually, on your way up, the coin chimes in. And actually, I think Barry probably handed you all the coin. before he went into the pocket spot.

Just so you could continue having this sort of line of communication with his spectral form. And the coin, who's got it? Who has the coin? I'll take it. Is there a mute button?

Is there a mute button? Because that could be a problem. Yeah, there's not. The coin chimes in and it says, you hear Barry say, now listen, you got to trust me here. You got to give over the relic if they ask for it.

We don't want to raise the space. suspicions, if we do this right, it won't matter who's got them. But, and this is very important, you can't let the director see me with you up here, or else she's going to figure it out. Oh. All right. I don't like this scoop. You're up in the hangar now and you pop up into sort of the launch pad, and you pop up

there. And Avi is like gobsmacked to see you step out. of the sphere. Oh, wooden servant. Bring along our bags. And be quick about it. You, uh, Avi, Avi, like, uh, runs to the front door of the hangar and he shouts, uh,

guys, they're back. They're back. They're all here. And he, he runs over to the three of you. And he's like, where have you been? We lost contact with you. We thought you all, you all died. We, we, wait, where's, what happened to madness?

No, he did die. You were one third right, my man. And at one point, we both died, but we got better. We got better. Yeah, it was very... Magnus didn't make it. He's... He doesn't...

He's like, he's in shock. And the doors to the hangar get thrown open, and you see Killian and Carrie and Noel and Davenport walk in. And Carrie runs towards the three of you and says, guys, you're back. I didn't wait where's Magnus what happened to Magnus he didn't he didn't make it he didn't make him he lost him uh she like he's dead he's gone turned to dash

this is a very this is such a sad didn't know I loved him so what uh she kind of like she's oh man she takes this really rough she kind of like collapses and Killian has to like rush in and kind of kind of grab her and Killian looks up and says what happened how did it how did it happen he um it was in the uh we we had to do battle with some pretty pretty tripped out litches and in the process of fighting them magnus was it he heroically oh it was so amazing he roically died yeah with his whole body yeah every

Last ash. There's nothing we couldn't even bring him back. No. You know what? In retrospect, we could have brought him back. Yeah, maybe. There wasn't a lot to pick up. You know, we really didn't try.

We should have swept him up. Yeah, that. I regret this now. We could have scattered his ashes somewhere. Somewhere beautiful. He would have liked that. Is there an Academy Awards for podcasting? Or for Roll Plank.

Killing says, well, what happened to you guys? We lost contact with you. What happened to your Stones of Far speech? There was a, a, uh, when we entered Wonderland, there's a lot of very strange magics that the liches who run it were using. And one of the side effects

was that our stones of far speech were basically made inoperable at some point. Roll a bluff check on that one? But that's true. It's largely true. It is fairly true. Three.

13. Well, you weren't talking. Killion says, well, we were just trying to talk to you like a minute ago. Why aren't they working now? We had to leave them behind there. Yeah. Here's the thing.

In Wonderland, they kept asking us to give things up and give things up. And we just decided, you know what? You guys would be there. All we had to do was hit our bracers at the end of the mission. And if we were dead, it wouldn't make any difference. So we gave up our stones of far. speech pretty quick because, well, we needed our weapons and stuff, right? For sure.

For sure. For sure. For sure. Kenney says, well, it sounds like you all had a really awful time. I'm so sorry about Magnus. And she kind of scoops up Carrie. And Noel's sort of helping carry out, too. And it's a sad scene. And in the back of the room, towards the door, Davenport just kind of... Davenport? Davenport. And he is, he's flanked by two guards. And he is standing next to a tray with one of those big lead balls on it. That you all have plopped the relics inside to be destroyed.

And Killian says, oh, yeah, they want to get the relic blown away as quickly as possible. The director's really eager to get her hands on this one. So let's just get this taken care of and I guess figure out a few. funeral? Is that, I guess? This seems about right. We'll launch him into space like Spock. Oh, man. It'll be sweet. That would be very cool. I do have to

warn you, though, please be careful. The mannequin you see, I reclaimed... Woody, his name's Woody. Woody? Clever. I reclaimed him from Wonderland to try to study more of their magics and advance my own understanding.

But please be careful and don't touch him. There's some very powerful, dangerous magics that this American has been under the influence of. Now this is a fucking big old lie. I mean,

it's a, it's a lie. So this is going to have to be a... It's a semi-lie. And I got a four arena. I think

Killion kind of stands up and now sort of Noel is helping carry out. And she says, you brought back some dark

wizardry artifact back to our home. I think telepathically to Taco, I'm holding the bell and make it something about like transporting the bell safely. It's a powerful thing. Okay. Okay. Listen, that makes perfect sense.

But Davenport's right fucking here. So as soon as we give them the bell, they're going to put you in the fucking furnace, okay? So I'm trying to have a little bit of a long game here so you don't get turned into matchsticks, my dude. Fair enough. Davenport clears his throat again. and kind of points to the, points to the orb. Well, we knew, we knew that one of us couldn't handle the bell. It's just too strong.

So that's why we, that's why we use the Woody here. Right. And, you know, with his woodness and stuff, he, you know, he can handle the bell safely. And we've become quite fond of him, too. I am also a member of a coalition of wizards that is studying. These sorts of poorly understood magics. I'm the vice president. Bluff a fucking bluff o'clock!

What is this? Persuasion. It's half-past persuasion time. Well, I know, but by pretending that I'm in a position of authority within this organization, I can use my plastic sheriff's badge and add three to these bluffs. Okay. And I rolled a 16 on mine. Okay.

So I'm going to bluff on that one, and I'm going to add three to get 18. Okay. She says, okay, that all, that all, that all, all, all, all, that makes sense. No, that makes sense. A double bluff. You re-bluffed. Well, let's just, let's just, just load it up and, and hand, hand over the relic. And I, I'm sorry, I've got to, I've got to go. And, and, and Carrie, let's just, Carrie, let's get out of here. And they, they, they, the three of them head out, but Davenport is still there with his, uh, retinue, and the orb. I clunk my way over Okay Are you sure? Magnus? Are you sure this is a good idea?

Is this telepathic? It should be assumed that if I'm talking to Magnus Just as a contrivance We're talking toopathically It's the only thing we got I We have to play this out One way or the other

And frankly Taco at this point We're not at the point of no return yet When we get there We'll have some decisions to make but right now this is what we'd be doing anyways. Davenport, can I ask you a favor? Davenport. I get it.

I've always wanted to see where these bad boys go. This is our last shot at it. Can I follow you and see what happens to the relics? He sort of taps his foot and he thinks for a second. And he, hmm, he shakes his head, no. Davenport. Davenport. Okay.

Well, you know, you can't blame a... Taco. For trying. Taco. Yeah? Tell him, I am also a powerful artifact that need to be destroyed. Are you sure?

That's... Listen, listen, kitty cat. I don't know how many more lives you got left in there, huh? All right. Hold on to that. We'll save that if we need to get into that chamber. Yeah, good idea, though. Keep it in the back burner, for sure.

Davenport like insistently like Davenport Give him the bell Say it out loud Give him the bell I clunk my way over That was a good fucking catch Magna

Okay He just he just points Into the right into the ballhole I wait Put the bell in the thing I do it All right And Davenport shuts the hatch

On this orb and Starts to wheel the cart out of the chamber with his two guards and the doors close behind him. And Avi, Avi is like, Avi's really bummed out. He's the only person still in here with y'all. He's just kind of, he's polishing one of the spheres. And he actually pops open a flask, and he's like a little bit weepy, and he raises it towards you all. And he says, to Magnus, he was a good dude. And he takes a drink of it. Do you guys want, you guys won any?

Hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Ah, good. Taco? No thanks. Oh, and by the way, Avvi, you know, we'd like Magnus's share of the reward so we can make sure it gets into his. I'm not the guy to talk to about that.

You know that. I know, but I figured you know who to talk to because, you know. And a director or somebody, I don't know. I think it's time to move on. Okay. I think it's time to move on. I agree with Taco. That's what Magnus would have wanted.

That's exactly what Magnus. Trust me on this one. And it's almost like he's here. Avi says, you're right. He would want us to all move on. That's so sweet little fellow, but I'm actually talking pretty literally in this case. All right. You're heading out.

Yeah. You step out to the main big, grassy quad in the middle of the bureau headquarters. There's a few people milling about, but most folks are actually inside because where you are in the moon base, you're pretty close to the storm above. And so I think folks are just like, oh, I don't want to get rained on. So they are hanging out in their respective dormitories or wherever indoors. And following the map, you are, you walk out of the hangar and towards the other end of the base. And on your way there, you walk fairly close to the entrance to Fantasy Costco. And the doors slide open automatically, automatically.

But the theme, the theme song doesn't play. and it kind of looks like it's been ransacked in there. And that's all you can see from your position of the fantasy Costco. What the hell happened in there? Can we go take a look? Yeah. Let's check her out. Who said that?

You're just telling me. Perfect. I think Magnus would want us to look in the fantasy Costco to see what's happening. Okay. You head inside and you realize it hasn't really been it's not like it's been rated or anything like that It's just like there's nothing on the shelves There's big crates of stuff that have been sealed up And there are some bags that have been packed up and

Garfield is just leaving You can tell like Garfield is shipping out with all this stuff and you see him sort of drifting to and fro. We've never described Garfield fucking at all, which just explains why most of the fan art of him is literally the orange lasagna cat. And I'm not about to start now, but he's drifting around and sort of getting things packed up.

And he sees you three come in, and he says, Oh, we're closed. Thank you for coming to Fantasy Costco, the fantasy cost go where are your dreams come true got a deal for you all right see you later uh hold on just a second Kim Masami the sign says open 24 hours

well it doesn't really take into account the apocalypse so I'm gonna I've I've got to hit the old road jack but uh what's happening wait what's happening I'm not a hundred percent sure but look outside it's clearly fucking and pretty about to pop off in a pretty bad way out there.

And it's also, I mean, what's... Also, what's the point of... Damn it, Taco... The last time you came in here, you thwarted me in a test of mercantile wits that I'll never recover from. So, my days as a shopkeeper over. I've been humiliated.

I'm out of the game. I need to go hole up somewhere and just try to start a new life, I guess, because apparently vending isn't my game. Taco. Yes. I need my blood. What?

Garfield has my blood. Why? What? I sold, remember, in the trade, he got some of my blood and my hair. Okay. Yeah, sure. I need it. Okay.

Listen, Garfield. He turns and says, yes. Just one moam. can listen i need something from you i told you my trading and selling days are over i'm just i'm a joke i understand i'm a sham i understand i'm a we're boy i've gotten beaten too before and i know it stinks but i'm gonna need uh magnus's blood he died and we just really would like to something he jerks his remember him by.

He jerks his head towards you as soon as you say that. And he says, you need Magnus's blood. Delightful. He strokes his chin and he says, well, maybe we'll do one last trade. What will you give me for it? I will give you something very special. And I pull out a glossy five by, You couldn't even go 8 by 10?

No, I bought it on the cheap. This is all I had left. Look at this, and guess what? I'll personalize it with your first name. Just to you. To my friend. He laughed. William H. Garfield.

I underlined friend here. You can see that, so they know it's legit. You put a little heart in the eye. I dotted the eye with the heart. Garfield, keep reaching for the stars. Nothing's finer than eating in your diner, sincerely. Taco. Wow.

He grabs it and he just kind of cackles. He's like, you know you're going to have to do much, much better than this. What am I going to do with an 8 by 10 from a former cooking TV show host? Not even an 8 by 10. That's a 5 by 7. First off, former is very judging. Maybe you can see it in the future, but I certainly can. He says, I'm disappointed, I guess.

You so thoroughly out-vindered me in our last transaction. I thought you were hot shit. I thought I'd finally found somebody who could stand up to my test of mercantile powers. But apparently I was wrong. Okay. Okay. I need a moment to myself to really think about this. Give me just a second.

You weren't even heard. You didn't even react to him telling you that our buddy Magnus was dead. How about cutting us a little bit of break, you jerk? Just so everyone knows, I am using a six-level spell slot currently. I have used a six-level spell. You're going to tell it to Boy. What? Yeah, I'll tell Toboy.

Yeah, I guess it's hard because, you know, you always want to keep that dramatic tension, but I guess you do have to say what spells your guy. It's kind of the part of one of the gameplay issues. I'm casting draw midges instant summons on the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. I touch an object whose longest dimensions in six feet or less. It leaves an invisible mark on its surface and invisibly inscribes the name of the item on a sapphire. I use as the material component. And at any time thereafter, I can use the action to speak an item's name and crush the sapphire and summon it to me.

instantly. Okay, Garfield, you win. Fine. Here is the raging, poisoning sword of two. I know. Taco, don't. No, listen, I've thought this three.

You love that sword. His eyes light up. He's like, my sweet, my love, you're giving it back to me? Yes, you can carry it for me. Taco. Don't. Hold on.

Let me finish. And then I'll glow. Okay. Here we go. I am going, this hurts because it's just some blood. It's probably coagulated. But here, please go ahead and give me some blood of his.

Magnus's blood and you can have the sword. Sword first, please. Okay, here you go and I hand it over. He smiles and he says, You have no idea what I went through to get my hands on this priceless artifact. He says, a deal is a deal? The blood is your. and he tosses you, Taco, a ring of keys.

And he says, you'll find it in the back room. It's one of those. Well, I'm gonna go before you change your mind. Thanks, sucker! And he twirls his cloak around him. And in a puff of smoke, he is gone, and all of these crates and bags of stuff also burst. in a puff of smoke and are disappeared

and you are standing in an empty Costco with the keys to the place. Nice fucking customer service, Jesus. No follow-up. Yeah, did they offer like a five-year protection plan or anything? Okay, so do I... I guess I'll head to the back. Is there a back? Is that where this blood is? Yeah, there's a door. It's just like an office door

with a doorknob on it and the doorknob has a lock. Okay, I open it with the keys. I hope. I guess I try them until I find the one that works. Yeah, I'll open it up. There's about 30 keys on this ring, but on like the sixth one. Well, let me roll on that. Okay, I got a 12.

So yeah, it sounds about right. Yeah, about the sixth. And you open up the back room to the fantasy Costco. And back here are some more emptied out shelves. And there are some freezers back here. some storage freezers, just a lot of different sort of storage things. There's a desk with like an accounting notebook on it. There's a cash register that's emptied out.

There's a safe that's been opened and emptied. But then there's a long table, and sitting on this long table, are a few items that have not been taken out of here. and you see a battle axe and you see a shield. And the shield has a little bit of blood on it, although it looks like some of it's been scraped off. And there's a deck of cheating cards sitting on this table. And then there's some beakers and a centrifuge sitting on this table. And next to this table, with all of magicians, Magnus's sold back gear and lab equipment on it is a pod.

And inside of it, you can see through this green brackish fluid, you can see Magnus's body. And then I think we get another cutscene, and it's actually that auction cutscene, and we see Barry there, and he's placing bids, and we zoom out just a little bit, and we see Garfield sitting immediately right next to Barry, also bidding on these items. And in front of you is a pod with a good, fresh Magnus body inside of it. Well, this presents some unique challenges. Not for me. I want my body back. Is there a button we put?

Like, how to, I want, I want it. I feel like a kid at Christmas at candle nights. Please let me have my phone. Wait, no, wait a second. We've already said he wasn't there. Magnus, you've got to think this through. Now, hold on a sec. You've got to think this through.

You'll lose everything. I mean, not your gear and your weapons and your items and Stephen, but you'll be starting from scratch. No memories. But I'll have my body back. Hey, remember this one? I want my body, body, back, body back. Remember? Chili's?

No, but seriously, you'll lose it all. Is it the beard? Because I'll draw a beard. I'll even use some yak fur and spirit gum and get you a nice simulcra. And we have already explained that you're dead. Let you turn into ash. If they see you, the gigs up, I can't feel anything. So you can't feel sad that you don't have a body, right?

I'm not hungry. I don't breathe. My heart doesn't beat. Do you understand? I do. I do understand. I see where you're coming from. I mean, it honestly, that's me.

That's me right there. It's, it's sort of you. It's your body. But is that really you? Those are the arms that have held my wife. They're a clone. It's not you. I can't fight.

I can't protect. I can't do anything in this body. I have, I have worked all my life to be able to fight and protect and do good. Could we take the pod with us? Could we put the pod in the pocket spot? It would take a lot. I'm so in love with this that I'm not going to interfere and tell you all.

Leave it up to him. It's your call, man. Really and truly, but really think about it. Really and truly think about what's the most important thing to you. And honestly, really and truly think about the potential of Taco and Merle being your fucking uh uh john g here just just trying to re-educate you about the world there's some pretty like you are coming back as the a number one fan of taco and also my personal assistant for sure um i did the only thing i want to say here and i want to sort of put this

doubt in your mind you guys are making some assumptions about what he will and won't remember it's not like he's going to be like a newborn baby you know what i mean i mean you're running i should clarify then you're running the risk of that for sure here's what i've got it seems to me like what i've got is an extra life and it would be wasteful to burn that now i have a perfectly good body sitting right here and i'm in a bit of a disposable one right now am i wrong am i missing something No, that tracks to me, as I understand it. And think about it. It's to our benefit for once in this lousy podcast.

We're thinking about somebody other than ourselves. We'd much rather have meaty, beady, big, and bouncy, Magnus around. Got it. But we're trying to think about you. Boys, head on to the director's office. Taco, you let me know when. And I'm going to make a whole hell of a lot of noise. Okay, but you have to think through this.

If we're not with your body, you're going to wake up with no idea of what's going on. You don't have a fancy, schmanty, cool coin. You will wake up and have no clue. Leave me the map. Leave me a note. But I can help. This is something I can do with this stupid shell of a body. If I go in there with you now is this mannequin.

I can't do anything, but this, this I can do for you. Okay. All right. You know, next time you see it, you won't know who we are, probably. I know. That's a kind of a mixed bag, honestly. A little calm being that one. Are we leaving?

Are we going to leave him here? Do what he said? It's up to you. I guess, yeah. Okay. I think we have to. I put my hand up. I gesture from the mannequin to bend over.

And I look him in the eyes and I say, see ya, good boy. Okay, weird. Yeah, a little bit. Why did you say that? I didn't really, I didn't really think that out. I really thought that would say that. You could have just gone with that'll do pig and it would have been better. Yeah, that'll do pig.

Oh, man. That'll do pig. Can I do it again? That'll do pig. Perfect. And I think, I think in fiction, you just do both things back to back. Okay. Okay.

Anybody else have a last thing they want to say to each other before you guys split up the party? I will do this, though. Just before we leave, I leave a sapphire on the table next to the note. Oh, shit. What's the note? The note explains the situation and everything that he would need to know about the situation. What's the... Give me...

This image is too good, because I imagine you had to... write this very quickly. What does the note say? It says, on there, it says, trust the voices in your head and open your mouth and let the first words you speak be flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. And you leave that behind and leave. Oh, and then at the very, and it says, P.S., that means post-script, in case you learned that after you forgot, P.S. means post-script. You're going to want to smash that bad boy too. Smash that bad boy. And put some clothes on. And put some clothes on. And the two of you

walk out of the room and into the empty Costco leaving Magnus behind with his body. And as they walk out, I just want, this is what I want you to picture for the mannequin body. I'm laying out all of Magnus's armor and clothes and goods on the table, like laid out, you know, like

these are yours. Um, I'm I pick up the old shields, I pick up the old battle axe, and I start walking for the Voidfish's chambers. We see the Floating Bureau of Balance headquarters. It's now. We see Magnus laying out his possessions in front of his new body. His mind still addled with memories he cannot quite process or explain. We see Merle, the Dwarven Cleric, and Taco, the Elven Wizard, departing a large, emptied-out mega-store, and walking towards the main dome on the far side of the complex,

still unsure in their stride. We see inside that dome at the director making preparations to destroy the grand relic as Davenport delivers it. We see Angus MacDonald, the world's greatest detective, watching this process intently as he watches most things. And we see Carrie, inconsolable at the unceremonious death of her best friend. She's in her private quarters with her girlfriend, Killian.

and her robotic teammate, Noel, neither of whom know exactly what to say. What do you say? We see Johann, who just finished restringing a fiddle, which he plucks happily as he begins composing a new meal for the voidfish, which floats nervously in its tank. And then we're back outside, and we pan up, and up, past the sky, past space, beyond the boundaries of the prime material,

plane in which this story takes place. And we see more planes now, the astral plane, the plane of thought, the elemental planes, all of them, all 12 planes that make up our planer system, moving in perfect orbit, perfect synchronicity, sustaining each other in a meticulous, demanding dance. And then we pan up. And we see a 13th plane descending. It is a disc of shimmering, living, living, darkness, crossed with ribbons of bright blue, red, green, gold, it is larger than the other planes combined. And as it lowers, slowly, bright white eyes begin to open all across the underside of this plane, millions of them, burning with malice and hunger. All focused inward and down, back down, all the way, back down,

on the floating headquarters of the Bureau of Balance. And somewhere inside of that living plane, we see a smile flash across someone's face. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. My name is Patrick. My name is Parker.

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