The Adventure Zone - Ep. 8. Moonlighting - Chapter Two

Episode Date: February 26, 2015

Now that they can finally understand like, anything that anybody important is saying, our heroes seek employment in the Bureau of Balance. Merle brags about how smart he is. Taako accidentally encounters some life-changing intel. Magnus does horrible, horrible things to an automaton.  Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, you walk out of the hangar and see that you are surrounded by dome-shaped buildings, these Epcot Ball-esque buildings. You three step onto the elevator, and you actually hear the doors to this dome open up once more, and you hear a guy go, oh, can you hold the elevator, please? My name is Johan. Okay. I'm like the greatest violinist basically ever. I'd tickle him.

Stop it. The room that opens up is very dark, save for a tank in the middle. And something is in there. You can sort of make out the shadow of something. He walks the three of you over to a spigot on the side of this tank and takes out three files. Magnus drinks the vial. Okay. Of course he does.

Okay. With each passing second, you remember more. and more. You remember the Black Spider asking you if you were members of the Bureau of Balance. You remember months and months and years beyond that. You remember just this carnage and conflict that seems too enormous for you to have possibly forgotten. We call it the voidfish. Whatever information you give it stops existing unless you've been inoculated and drank drank from the tank is what we say Who's in charge here?

That's the director Now that you guys have been inoculated She'll probably want to see you Could you take us to her? I'm not like the valet here I'm the gamekeeper I sleep in five bucks Oh thank you sir

Can our heroes survive A most treacherous job interview I see myself in five years In the Adventure Zone The three of you are received at the elevator by another guard who walks you into the largest and grandest dome on the campus. You enter into a foyer. Do we need the YPAR feet or anything? You are asked to remove your shoes.

No, you're fine. A magic enchantment has dirt-proofed the, the, the floor. This is truly is magical. You three are welcomed into this chamber. It almost kind of seems like a throne room a little bit. Hey, diddo, we probably should have asked this earlier, but throughout all of this, and like since we got here, what's the vibe been like? Has it been like, are we getting like weird glances as we walk through?

Are people seeming suspicious? No, people don't really seem to give you a time of day. There are, you've seen a few dozen people since you've been up here. Have we not been here before? No, no, you've never been here before. God, I'm going to have to do that a lot, aren't I, now that I've written in this. Well, Bureau of Balance, I mean, we're part of this Bureau of Balance. Well, you're not.

You, you, we remembered her saying Bureau of Balance. We couldn't hear her saying it earlier. Exactly. You walked down sort of the carpeted runway. to the throne portion of the throne room. God, I'm talking good today. Wow. You're standing at sort of the edge of the,

of a dais that the, uh, the throne is sitting upon and sitting upon the throne upon the dais. Should we just cancel the podcast? Because I'm apparently incapable of stringing sentences together. Let me give me a musical break. It's a dais. It's a dais. It's a dais. Take it. That sounds. Um, I'm going to take my jacket off, actually, I'm getting spoiled.

Yeah, that was it. That was the issue. Yeah, he needs to streamline it. Isn't it a dais? It is a dais, but he's on a roll. That's when the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor. What? It's from Animal House way before your time.

Wow. Okay. Somebody out there will get that. Old people. Listen, if they're not 18 to 34, I got nothing for them. Sitting upon the throne on top of this fancy-ass platform. This shit. It looks tight.

Is a human woman in her, you would say about her 50s, who is dressed in a very ornate blue and white robe holding a white oak staff that is actually fairly plain. It doesn't really match her decorated outfit. And she says, now I've got to do another voice. Welcome the three of you to the Bureau of Balance. It's a pleasure to have you. I've heard a lot of great things about your performance from Killian. Before we go any further, I'm going to need you to hand over the gauntlet so we can destroy it promptly. Really?

Hmm. But it's our gauntlet. See, that's kind of the business we're in where, you know, we kind of get stuff and then people pay us for it. Oh, you'll be paid. You'll be paid very, very handsomely. That's the kind of thing people say, if by pay us, they're going to kill us. And she says, no, that's not how the Bureau operates. Give me a moment.

She claps her hands and yells. Davenport! Davenport! He's sitting on a couch. And a gnomish man walks out, very finely dressed, very nice. Garb, walks out holding a tray with a coin purse sitting on it and say, the director says, pay them in, Davenport, pay them in their money for a good day's work. Well, it was more like a 10 day, but it was a lot of days. Go ahead and give them their payment. And he says,

right away. And walks over to the three of you and holds up the tray with the coin purse on it. Okay, I grab his coin purse. Good, anybody but talk him. Excuse me, Madam. What is your name? That's actually classified. Then how should we address you? The director is fine.

Director. We're happy. Madam Director is also. Madam Director. Lady Director. Shut up. Nope. I'm happy to destroy the gauntlet.

I would like to be present while it is destroyed so that I can confirm. Yes, I imagine you would. It'll be quite spectacular. And it makes him hoarding. That was between me and my god He loves things destroyed A stiff wind makes him horny That is not true

Can we watch while you hurl it into the fires of Mount Doom If only it were so simple It's taken us actually quite some time To develop anything capable of destroying something Quite so powerful Well listen listen I'm I'm but a simple idiot wizard Could you tell us a bit about your

Don't sell yourself short No he's not it's very accurate No, I appreciate it, but I'm comfortable with where I'm at. I'm just standing in my truth here. Listen, could you tell us a bit about your organization before we just hand it over? It's really scary, and it makes outchies. When you touch it, I mean, ouchies. When you touch the organization.

It's an alchies. I see. Remember Fandlin? You're the three who conquered Magic Brian and claimed. the gauntlet, yes, that was... Remember Fandolin? Yes, sadly, I do remember Fandolin. Lucky, that's lucky for you.

Treasure that memory. We know what's happened to Fandlin. We've been tracking the three of you. No, well, we think it's burnt. The gauntlet burnt it. Madam Director, we're more than we appear, we promise. Just answer this question. Tell us a little bit about the organization.

Then we'll do the gauntlet destroying, have some tea, a nice oolong. You think just because I'm a woman who is in her mid-50s that I enjoy, Drinking tea. No, I love tea. That was for me. I don't care if you have any. Okay.

Did you get my animal house joke earlier? The Bureau of Balance has a singular purpose, and that is to collect and destroy certain, let's call them weapons of mass destruction. I guess you could call us a sort of disarmament organization. who is tasked with making the world safer by destroying the things that threaten it, namely powerful artifacts like the gauntlet that you have in your possession right now. Gotcha.

Sounds good to me. Yeah, it's pretty solid. One of the, there are two big burly guards sort of standing on the dais in front of the director. One of them walks into a room, walks through a door behind the wall where the throne is positioned, and comes out carrying a cart with a heavy sort of iron sphere, a heavy, perhaps lead sphere with a sort of glass window on it, a circular glass window, that he pops open and asks you to plop that gauntlet. Plop that bad boy right in there, he says.

Could you do a voice for him, please? Plop that bad boy right in there. Dinosaurs. I'd pop the bad boy. It's in there. Okay, he shuts it and draws a curtain on one side of the room, which reveals sort of a large window overlooking a enormous chamber. Sort of imagine the, oh shit, what's it called in X-Men?

Cerebro? Cerebro. Yeah. Sort of imagine, like, the Cerebro chamber from X-Men. he wheels the cart inside, lifts up this heavy ball with the gauntlet inside of it, sets it on the floor, walks out of the room. The director takes her staff, walks to the window, invites you guys to sort of watch from this viewing window, sort of like those rooms that they have over like surgery operating rooms. Right. She taps her staff on the glass and suddenly the ball starts to feel.

float in the air and these bright pillars of light begin to shoot out of the walls of this chamber stabbing through the iron sphere and it's very very bright this this production goes on for for a minute or so and then all of a sudden the pillars disappear the ball very slowly floats down to the floor of the chamber the same guard walks in grabs it puts it back on the cartwheels it back in. Does he do kind of like a, who, hot, hot, who. Yeah. He's wearing two fantasy oven mitts, and he picks it up and puts it back on the cart. Watch it, hot spear, hot sphere.

Wheels it out and says, uh, that's a one spicy meatball. And then he cracks open the glass door on the sphere, and it is empty. Oh, that dip shit said spicy. What's up counting? No. Oh, spicy. Damn it. That wasn't supposed to happen until the next. next adventure. Okay, no, I said it. And you also said meat.

Oh, shit. I had ground, actually had ground meat from the... No, we only had ground. I had ground. Oh, I understand grinding. Spicy meat? Oh, spicy meat. Yep.

Can you give me a full rundown? Because I'm gonna have to like, oh, man. I got it. Spicy ground. I'm gonna have to invent a different monster that can erase people's memories so I can take some of your taco discoveries. Sour cream. Sour cream.

Sour cream. We got sour cream, spicy meat, and a word cheese, but we don't know. I don't know what that means, and I understand grinding. He says, I'm just fucked up. Yeah, there's nothing in the chamber, and the director looks very pleased, and she says, okay, payment upon obliteration, I suppose, and Davenport hands over the tray with the sack of, money on it. How much?

You find 600 gold pieces. A small fortune for the three years. I'm never allowed to buy anything. I'm sorry, how much? I keep trying to get gold. 600. After this

adventure, you will be able to spend your money however you see fit. So how much do we have now? A lot. I have 600. You all have like a thousand and 130. You have a thousand and thirty?

Yeah. That math ain't right. We'll figure it out after. We'll fix it in post. We're rich. The director says, she looks over the moon. She is extremely happy. She is...

Or inside the moon. That's when the podcast falls. She says, that gauntlet you just destroyed is responsible for some of the worst atrocities our worlds has ever known. Cool! Yeah. The three of you should be very, very proud of yourselves.

Do you know anything about this umbrella? She looks it over and she says, no, but our artificer might. I can send you his way after... Yeah, just give me his contact info. Yeah, I'll LinkedIn recommend you to him. The Phoenix Fire Gauntlet, she says, is a very special, extremely powerful magic item. It is a weapon that was created by a... band of wizards and warlocks and other magic users who refuse to limit themselves. They refuse to rein in their experimentation, if you will.

And that resulted in the creation of what we call the Grand Relics. There are seven of them in the world. Six. Now there are six, yes, that's right. This is the first We've searched for so long For these relics Our entire organization's sole purpose

Is to find these relics Wait a minute I need to clarify something Just so I'm clear Your whole organization That lives in a moon So far the score is zero No

No that was us That was us Oh yeah I couldn't get out of a jiz case cave without nearly dying and we destroyed one. Two assertions. First, don't sell yourself short. I think the three of you are capable of a lot more.

We can get out of whole tunnels of jizz caves. Second, how long do you think we've been in operation? Sounds like about a half an hour. You spent all your time on your moon base and didn't go looking for, I've been there. I know how this game is played. She says, we, the Bureau of Balance, as you now know us, we have only been in operation for a little less than a year now. What we do was not possible until we discovered the void fish. See, the war and the calamity and turmoil that the three of you now remember was a direct result of these relics. It

when when these items were crafted and a word about their power spread every kingdom in the land every every political organization every mercenary guild every religious community founded their own attempts to claim them for their own and and that contest for these relics led to a war the likes of which our world had never. ever seen and we simply couldn't do what we do now until that turmoil subsided and the only way that we could force it to subside is to make everyone forget about the relics in the first place that all seems pretty straightforward it's a pretty textbook it's actually incredibly circuitous and difficult to understand but i'm i'm hoping the three of you are on board well taco

did you get that oh yeah every word sounds like you're offering us a gig i would be happy to hire the three of you as... Do we get a license to kill? You don't. Oh. We, well, I mean, you can, you don't need one, is what I'm saying. Oh, okay. You can just sort of do it.

We would be happy, actually, to hire the three of you on as, uh, reclaimers. Oh, the reclaimers? I would walk 500 miles and I would love that track. Love that track on board. Yes. Um, you may. in fact... Sunshine on Leith, right?

Did you just Google the Proclaimers to think of other songs that they did? No, that's a scary point. I had that on... He knew it. I know they had that on cassette, homie.

She says, let me explain. Our organization is made up of three main roles. We have seekers who look out for intelligence. Beaters. And then keepers.

We have snitch grabbers. What are they called? They're called snitch-grabbers. You got it. The seekers look out for any information that can aid in the finding of these relics, but they are forbidden from claiming them themselves. That is where you come in, the reclaimers. This is actually a very hard position for us to fill because most of the time,

anybody who discovers one of the grand relics is unable to fight off the temptation to claim it for their own. The three of you have proven that you are capable of, avoiding that temptation and so we would be happy to have you as a part of that illustrious role. I, just to be clear,

I have proven that. I just put it in my backpack. Yeah, we keep him around. He's too stupid to give him to temptation. He says, that brings us to the third role, which we call the regulators. Anybody who goes AWOL, if you will, anybody who uses any information

gathered about the relics for their own whim. Anybody who uses a relic even once will be hunted down and properly dealt with by the regulators. See, we're cool. Which one of these is Killian? Oh, Killian is actually one of our star regulators. She was hunting down, one of our wayward seekers, whom you met also.

You know him, I believe, as the Black Spider or Magic Brian. Magic Brian. Brian. We killed him. Yes, that was very kind of you. Thank you for doing that. You are welcome. I killed him.

He was a group effort. She says, I will be happy to welcome the three of you on board the Bureau of Balance as reclaimers. The only thing standing in the way is the test if you wish to get your bracers. Oh, is it like written? Oh, well, I'll see you guys later. It doesn't taste well. Got a good run. Can we have a proctor for Taco?

A procto? Because of Taco's special magic abilities, he gets to take it untimed. She says, no, there's no written component. Sweet. All I need to know is between the three of you, she says, which of you is the smartest, which of you is the strongest, and which of you is the bravest? I think that's Taco, all the above. Listen.

Each of you must claim one of those three titles, and I leave it to you to decide among yourselves. I think that you've got a lot of street smarts. Yeah, that's very kind, thanks. I'm not kidding myself. I think, between... Merle is sort of the smartest by default, right? So I would say Taco is the bravest,

and I'm the strongest. I'm cool with that. Unless you want to go for strength and it's like strength of will and mind and I'm brave. Either one of those is fine with me. Square root of 37. Yeah.

Okay, super cool. Go ahead and tell me what that is, Dad. 6.333. And you repeat the three. So, quick question, director. When you say strongest, do you mean, like, physically? I cannot tell you anymore.

You're in the test. You can. You just choose not to. Oh, you're so deep in the test, Jesus. Oh, my goodness. You are knee-deep. You are knee-deep in test town. You are knee-deep in test town.

All right. I am the smartest, my friend. Well, listen to you. La-di-da. I'm the bravest. I'm the strongest. She says, okay. And she taps her.

staff on the ground and the three of you are unconscious. Super cool. How do we know? Good question. We wake up unconscious. I'm telling your Earth avatars that your game bodies are now unconscious. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin Macra, your dungeon master for the Adventure Zone.

Thank you very much for listening to episode eight in our second adventure of the Adventure Zone, which we ended up titling moonlighting, which is appropriate on several levels. I want to thank everybody who has been listening to and tweeting about and reviewing the show on iTunes. As always, we tried to at least get one NPC per episode that we name after somebody who tweeted about the show. This week, we went ahead and just did Drew Davenport because we're going to have to do him sometime. That is, of course, Davenport, the Gnome Butler. A lot of people were hoping he would be shamanistic in nature, but I had a hard time writing that into the story. Thank you so much Drew Davenport for well everything.

And thank you all for listening and tweeting about the show. We will have new characters named after people in each new episode. So just use the zone cast hashtag. That's the zone cast. And if we pick your tweet and you got a cool sound and name, we'll toss you in the show. Also, thanks to everybody who sent in item suggestions. In the next episode, we already went shopping that in the next episode, our heroes go to Fantasy Costco for just some pretty amazing stuff that you guys came up with and you guys sent in.

So thank you all very much for that. If you want to submit an item, just email us at Adventure Zonecast at gmail.com. And we will consider your item for inclusion in Fantasy Costco. A lot of people were like tortilla shells. I think I'll handle the taco distribution for the most part. But thank you for your email. And seriously, thank you all for listening to the show and sharing it and being so incredibly sweet and supportive. We've had a really good launch, and we couldn't have done that without you.

We've got the Max Fun Drive coming up, which if this is the first Maximum Fun Show you listen to, it is our annual pledge drive that we use to get money to help support and build the show and grow the network and come up with new shows like The Adventure Zone. The Adventure Zone would not exist if it wasn't for the support that the Maximum Fund donors have given us over the years. You all have been incredibly kind. We have some exciting stuff planned. We have a bonus episode that we just recorded that is kind of a prequel to the Adventure Zone saga that will be going out to donors that we already recorded. And I absolutely love how it turned out. So you'll definitely want to hear that. We'll have more details for you on Max Fund Drive

soon, but it's going to kick off March 16th and run for two weeks. If you haven't listened to any other maximum fun shows, that's a great time to tune in because typically people are going to be bringing their A game. God knows we are certainly going to try to win our episode drops in that two-week span. Donors don't only get bonus episodes for every podcast on the network, which is like dozens of hours of entertainment. We have Pledge Drive gifts, which we will be outlining during the fun drive. So we'll make sure to let you guys know all about that stuff ahead of time. and we hope that we can count on your support. That's it for me.

I'm going to let you guys get back to the show. Sorry that Dad's, that Merle's audio sounded kind of weird in the beginning part. We actually recorded this next bit later, and we managed to get him hooked up with a better microphone, so he's going to sound better from this point on and hopefully throughout the fullness of time. So thank you all for listening. Enjoy the rest of the episode, and we will see you again on 30.

Thursday, March 12th, where we will wrap up the moonlighting saga. Bye. The three of you awaken all at the same time. We're sleeping in the same bed. You're spooning. And you've never felt, no, you are actually in three, you're in three different places. Taco, you awaken on the dusty floor of a circular arena. There are several features to this arena.

There are three gates, three large iron lattice gates all around the circular arena. There's a giant stone pillar in the middle of the arena. And there is an alcove on the outside wall where you can clearly see Merle. You know, it's hard to believe that Taco has woken up in weirder places. That is probably true. Merle, you are in this alcove about 20 feet up. You can clearly see the arena and taco inside of it. You are strapped in very securely to a mounted cannon.

This cannon is large. You are at the helm of it, essentially, the firing controls of it. The cannon has four rows of glass balls. lining it. And each of the first of those rows is filled with different colored fluid. And that is where you are. And you can also see a sky bridge above the arena where you can see Magnus. Magnus, you are on the sky.

I wave. You wave. Everybody's waving. Hello. Just sort of getting, you do a quick, quick missed outfire reference. Hello, Paul. it. Magnus, you are on this sky bridge.

Both of the exterior walls running the span of the arena are made of glass, so you can see everything. Am I nude? You are fully clothed. Everybody has all of their equipment. Could I be nude? You are right next to one of the defining features of the sky bridge, right in the center of it, is a metal pedestal, and on top of it is a big red button.

and on the outside span of this sky bridge in either direction is a large metal door about each one is about 40 feet away from you so the span of the arena is about 80 feet and how high off the ground am I? You're about 20 feet off the ground as well Okay Suddenly you hear almost like an intercom kick in and you hear the voice of the director who says, Just so we know,

what celebrity would you compare her to? She is an original creation of my own design, trademark 2015, Griffin McElroy Adventure Productions. You've never heard a voice

like hers before. It's dripping with gravitas. And sexuality. Nope, just gravitas. A little sexuality. If that's your thing, sure. If Gravitas gets you totally

boned, awesome, but I don't want to, I don't necessarily need to hear about that. You hear her say, welcome to the test of initiation. The point of this test is to balance the combatants that will soon enter the arena where Taco is currently in repose. These foes are going to be far too strong for you to fight outright. You will need to work together to ensure that they defeat one another as the consequences of allowing one too much power will be quite dire indeed. Merle, you are strapped into a very special canon,

which you will use to keep these monsters at equal footing. Each of the different potions that the cannon is equipped with will affect these ogres in different ways. You have one that can heal, one that can hurt, one that can strengthen, and one that will draw the attention of the other two. You only have one of each, of the different types of ammunition.

You can fire two on each... Well, that's more game talk. She wouldn't talk about the rules of the game. You only have one of each of the different types of ammunition. Okay, so strengthen, weaken. You have healing, hurting, strengthen, and agro, essentially. You can fire two of those on each turn, or you can focus your fire and aim one shot,

and you'll have advantage on that role. Does that make sense? Uh-huh. Okay. Taco, you are going to be in the arena with the ogres. I would not recommend attempting to fight them. Certainly, you could try. You are able to use any of your magical tools in this test, if you so choose.

I would recommend not doing that because they're very big, very strong, as ogres typically are. your test will be to retrieve three gemstones from various parts of these ogres person and by doing so you will grant Merle extra ammunition for the cannon which will in turn help you pass this test each gym that you collect will grant one of each type of ammunition if you draw their eye or though you will almost certainly perish as many before you have we have a very high turnover rate here at the Bureau of Balance. Maybe that's why they haven't found any of the items before we got there. To aid you in this test, you have a single potion of invisibility if shit gets crazy.

Instead, with the gropitas that she did. Yeah, that's it. Again, ooey, gooey, gravitazas. The chewiest gravitas you've ever heard. Magnus, you have been designated the strongest. and in this test you will use your strength to protect your allies. You stand in the center of a sky bridge next to a button that if pressed will emit a shock to both Merle and Taco,

which will incapacitate them for a short time. If any enemies who will approach from either side of the sky bridge... Bang this eyes the button. Press the button. If any enemies press that button, your friends will be harmed and paralyzed temporarily. So you will need to use your strength to protect that button at all costs. We're dead.

Magnus gently brushes his finger over the button and hums Johan's song. If the three of you understand the test fully, we can begin. Listen, you don't have the spare hours I would need to understand this test. Get some shiny things off the monsters. Dig. You hear a... You hear a... And...

Did we lose? Yes, instantly. The three gates slide open and entering the arena with Taco are three ogres. There is a blue ogre who is kind of puny as far as ogres go. He's the babiest ogre. He's the babiest ogre, yeah, certainly. And then the middlest ogre, a green ogre walks out. He's the handsome.

Maybe a hill ogre walks out. He is larger than the blue, but smaller than the red ogre, the oldest ogre, who exits from the other gate, who is bigger and more badass than the other two handily. So you have a blue little one, a green, middle one, and a red, big one. They enter out into the battlefield. They're disarmed, but I mean, they have the arms that are very big that they can use for punching. launching and you get the sense that they could easily slaughter taco if they so choose. We will start at the top of the order, which I have decided ahead of time, or else this test would be impossible. Magnus, you go first. On your turn, before you begin, the doors on either end of the hallway slide open and two automaton's, two metallic golems, enter in from either side. but they have not taken any movement or done anything.

Again, both of them are about 40 feet away from you. And it is your turn. Okay. Okay, great. And just so I've got the lay of the land, Griffey, how wide is the, like, what are the dimensions of the... It's about six feet, about six feet wide by 80 feet long the sky bridge is. Okay.

And I'm at the center by the button. I got one dude on either end, 40 feet away. Cool. I'm going to position myself so that I've got my shield in one hand and my axe in the other. Okay. And I'm going to put the shield on one side of the button blocking it from one automaton and stand with my axe on the other and ready in action that whichever one gets there first is the one I'm going to attack. Okay. Good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you sort of stand with your arms. splayed out, just getting ready for business. Next in the order is going to be Taco.

Taco, you have these three. Are they all facing me? You are in the center of the arena, so yes, at this moment, they are all facing you. You sort of have your back to this big pillar in the center of the arena. Do I have any of them have gems immediately visible on their front halves that I can see clearly?

Two of them do, yes. The blue one. has a gym fastened to his forehead. The green one is wearing a gym on a chain around his neck. The red one is actually the only one wearing clothes, but you cannot see... He's wearing some crude shorts and a... what looks like almost like a fisherman's vest

that is just full of pockets. Like three pockets on the left, three pockets on the right. But his gym is not immediately visible. Okay. How far can I remember? run away. Whatever your speed is.

I mean, that's 30 feet. I'm just going to run. Okay. Like towards the outside of the arena. Are they encircling me? Yeah. Sort of in a manner of speaking, yeah. Okay. I'll run between the red one and the blue one. Okay. Towards the outside of the arena, away from the middle. Outside of the arena, away from the middle, yeah. Okay. Are you going to take any actions also?

Do you have any illusory magic? Not much. A little bit. I mean, I can, charm a person. They ain't people. No, ogres ain't people. You heard her here first folks. Wow, Jesus Christ. Handel that. What if there are ogres listening to the show? Oghers can't use iPods. They're too dumb. Do they seem to have a look like they're coming for me?

No, they, in fact, they haven't even noticed you yet. Groovy. Okay, then I'm not going to do anything. Let me, you guys let me know when you need ammo or whatever. But right now, I'm just running away from them and not getting... killed. Yeah, that's probably a good call. Let's start. Next in the order is Merle.

Merle. You got one of each type of ammunition, healing, hurting, strengthen, and angry. Okay, so if I throw angry, it just makes one of them... It makes the other people target... It makes the other people target the person you hit. All right. I'm going to throw the agro potion at the Red Ogre with the vest. Okay.

Are you going to fire another potion this turn, or do you want to focus your fire on this one, which will give you advantage. I just want to focus fire on that one. Okay. So you will roll a D20 essentially to aim this shot. And you want to beat a 10. Okay. Oh, good.

Four. Okay. Well, you have advantage, so roll again. Eight. Man. Did you accidentally use a D8 instead of a D20? Yeah, because I know that you do that sometimes. Wait, that actually was not the D.

That's not the D20. That's not? No. Oh, Daddy. 12. Glad I checked. Yeah, me too. Go ahead and roll the correct dice.

Oh, here you go. Wait, I'm going to... Ah, okay. D20. 17. Yeah, okay, you nail him. He is coated in this red fluid. And the red ogre is actually up next.

He spins his... He's been jammed. He spends his turn. He's been jammed. He spends his turn just sort of reeling from the situation. I mean, he's a little... Thinking about his life decisions. Yeah, and also about how he's covered in an indiscernible red fluid.

The green ogre goes next and is enraged, incensed, and goes to attack the red ogre, and he hits him for 21 damage. Wow. Whoa. Stay away from them, Tago. The blue ogre is up next. He is also enraged and goes to attack the red ogre, and he attacks him for. For 14 damage.

Whoa. Okay. He is not quite bloodied by that. Wow. Yeah. But he definitely did not like taking those big bad hits. With that, the red potion has sort of disappeared, sort of sloughed off of the big red ogre. He is clean, and we are back to the top of the order, Magnus.

First of all, the automaton's... The automaton's... The automaton's are going to go now, actually, I forgot. The automaton's now go. Both of them move in about 30 feet. So they are both about 10 feet away from you and the button. And they both hold up their arms and crossbows pop out. And they both fire a crossbow bolt at you. The one on the shield, we'll say the one on the shield end has disadvantage because you have, we'll say partial cover from your shield. So he rolled a 16 as his first roll. Roll. Against my armor?

Yeah. Fail. And a 13. Failed. Okay. And the one on your axe end rolls a 22. That is a successful. Yeah.

That is a successful hit. And he hits you for four damage. Four damage. Mm-hmm. Wow. Okay. And we are back to the top of the order, which is Magnus. Griffey.

Just one last question before I decide. like to do. As far as like construction goes, do they look pretty solid? Do they look kind of like C3P, C3PO body armor? Which Star Wars droid do they most closely resemble? They're made of like clockworks. They actually look very intricate and not like especially solidly built. Yeah, I'm going to swing my axe one hand at the axed one, the one on my axe side. Okay, you're going to have to move towards him though because he's 10 feet away and you've got to be five feet for melee. Okay. Well, can I do half a move and then move back? Like move, action move?

Uh, yeah, yeah, you can break up your movement. Okay, great. Then I'm going to step over to him and swing my axe. Okay. That is 17? Yep, that'll do it. Great. Let me dig out in my D8.

I got to keep your D8 handy. I got a D8 holster. Uh, ding. Five plus four, nine. Yeah, he shatters. He just turns into gears and goes flying down the hallway. As soon as he is destroyed, the door on his end slides open and another automaton walks in. Oh, who saw this coming?

Wow. Okay, then I'm going to finish my move to move back over and hunker myself between the button and the automaton. Okay. You have to make a hunker throw. I rolled a 17 hunker check. Okay, you're very hunkered. Taco, you're up next. Nice.

What's the layout of these cats right now? R.E. me. You're on the opposite end of the arena as they are. They all move towards the red ogre. So they're all sort of locked, all sort of engaged in punching. Although, remember, the agro potion is worn off. So you're on the other end of the arena as these three are. I'd say you're about not completely on the other end.

you're about 50 feet away. Okay. Well, this seems to be going pretty well for me. So he is, let me, so I'm clear, is he out of Agro potion at this point? Yep, he is out. Okay, well, that probably is in the pocket of the... Can I see the color of any of the gyms? They're all the same color.

The director's instructions may have been obtuse, but for each one that you get... Somebody needs to talk to her. For each one that you get, off these ogres, Murrell gets one of each type of potion. Oh, wow, that's pretty good. But the director should explain that. She did. You just weren't paying attention.

I'm not going to risk it until he needs it. There's a director? I'm just going to keep. Can I see any of the gems from where I'm at? You can see the blue one on his forehead and you can see the green one on a chain around his neck. All right. You know what? I'm going to try.

Mage hand. Okay. On the one on his forehead. Okay. You cast out a spectral hand. You give him a big thumbs up maybe on the way. And effortlessly pluck the gym off the blue ogre's forehead. As soon as it's removed from his body, it disintegrates.

And Merle, suddenly the glass pods fill up another row. So now you have two of each potion. except for the agro potion which you only have one. Excellent. Did the ogre with the removed potion seem upset at all that he lost his gym? He reached up and touched his forehead

and you heard him go. A single tier rolled down his teeth. You heard him go, oh. Jimmy. No. Next in the order is Merle. What's you shooting? I want to fire a

hurting potion at my friend in red. Okay. Are you going to just focus fire on that one or are you going to fire another? Okay. Yeah. So you are firing an acid potion at them.

Okay. Like an LSD potion? Yeah. 18. 18 is definitely a hit. You are going to roll 2D10 plus 10. Now wait, hold on. He has advantage, so he should roll again to see if he, like, hits critical.

It's not going to matter. It's not an attack. Well, then what's the point, Griffin? Of any of this. I quit. It's all just make-believe. Wait a minute. None of this is really.

What fantasy world have you trapped me in, you sorcerer? Okay, 21 plus 10 is 31. 21, just 21. 21 is... 2D10, so you got 6, 5, and then add 10 to 21. Okay, 21. He is definitely bloodied now. Yeah, he is...

He looks like shit. He looks really, really bad. In fact, it looks like a stiff wind can push him over. The red one is very badly wounded, very, very hurt. He is going to actually run towards Taco. And for a moment you get petrified that he's going to come and smash you. When actually he is...

I'm trying. He actually runs behind the stone pillar and starts hiding. He is hiding behind the stone pillar from the other two loggers. The red one, the very, very badly injured one. That's kind of cute. The green and blue ones just sort of wail on each other. The green one attacks the blue one. rules.

Now, why are they, can I ask a question? Why are they attacking each other? Because he's making a statement on geopolitical powers. Yeah. Yeah, it's just they were the only targets sort of in sight, and they're big angry overs. Yeah, so they went for it. If you had been closer to them, things would have played out very differently, but you

kept your distance. Let's hear for cowardice. That's what we reward here in the adventure zone. Cowardis works again. The Green one rolled a 13, which is insufficient. the blue one roll in 19 which does hit and does

14 damage to the green one the middlest one okay everybody's favorite everybody's favorite he is not bloodied though next up is the

automaton's Travis you have blocked the path of the one that was closest to you so he is just going to attack you while the other one approaches another 30 feet the one that attacks you rolls a 14, which is not going to do it, I imagine.

No, it is not. Okay. That is it. Magnus, you're back at the top of the order. You got one right next to the button, right next to you, and one 10 feet away. Okay, great. Am I able, I don't know if I've ever done this maneuver before, but can I push people? It's a real short story every turn with Travis is.

Can I put? I'm trying to think my way through this. It's a whole little dirty. the whole one act he's got playing for every turn. Am I? Swing his fucking axe at the robot. Hit him in his robot chest and killing. I'm sorry, I was looking at the book.

What's going on? What's the motivation of this robot? Am I able to push people backwards? Or is that my move? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's an action. Okay. If you were pushing.

How far can I push people? You would do a strength test check with them, I think. A strength contact. Not especially far. I mean, these things have a movement of 30 feet, so you're not going to push him 30 feet. You're not goddamn he, man. Okay, fair enough. I'm going to hit him.

Okay. The one right next to you? Yeah, with my axe. 17, 23? Yes. Five plus four, nine. Yep. You shatter him.

This sky bridge is filling up with gears. As soon as you shatter him, the door on his side slides open, and another automaton steps out. Yeah, I'm going to move back over now to hunker in front of the other one. Okay. You re-hunkered? Yeah, I'm re-hunkering. You can only hunker once per day, and then you need to take a short rest. I did take a short rest while I was killing the other one.

Did I not say that? It was such child's play that it was actually relaxing to you to kill the other one. Taco, you are up next. You are actually kind of close to the red one now, who ran to hide behind the pillar. You're about 15 feet away from him. Speak words of comfort. him. The other ones are still about 50 feet away from you.

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do right now. Let me see. Did Justin leave the room? Yes. Sorry. That was my taco impression. I really thought that was... It wasn't bad.

Carry a little more... I think he thought Travis's one act was going to go longer than it did. Fair enough. He's back. Cool. I'm going to run over to the Red Ogre. Oh, shit. Okay.

I'm going to search his pockets Okay He's not dead Yeah he's not dead You're gonna have to like get up on him to do that It's he said he's 15 feet away I have 30 feet of movement I want to move 15 feet up

Search him and then run away Okay Yeah all right So what you're gonna have to do is make You're frisking him is what you're frisking him Don't mind me sir You're gonna have to make a If you're doing that

You can't see like which pocket he's got stuff in So you're gonna have to make a slight of hand check Okay, 10. 10? No, you were unable to find the gym. Run away. Okay, you run 15 feet away from him. I just want everyone to picture what just happened.

Taco basically just ran up, reach for it, ogre swatted his handle away, and he ran back to the wall. Yeah. Merle is Taco. What do you want me to do? Fight him? No thanks. Merle, it's time to use your super-soaker. All right.

You got a very, very badly injured red one. Don't sweat him. I'll kill him next round. Green one is a little bit worse for where our blue one is Aces. Hasn't been hit. Okay, how long do these potions last? Just one turn. One complete turn all the way around. Yeah. I want to... Can I fire a potion at Taco? Yes.

I'm going to fire one of my strengthened potions at Taco. Okay. All right? Is this the only potion you're firing, or are you going to fire another one as well? Um, you know what? I think I'll fire. In addition to that, I will fire one of my agro potions at Tago. At the blue one. Okay. All right. So first roll the strengthened potion at Taco, which I love. That would be a nine? Uh, a nine is just barely unsuccessful. So we'll say it sort of landed at his feet and splashed up, uh, on him a little bit.

So, yeah, we'll say that Taco on your next turn, you'll do double damage. Okay, great. If you should choose to exercise that option. Now, do I have to roll the other one? Yeah. For the agro? 16. Yep, that did it.

The blue one is now coated in agro juice. That is it from Earl's turn. The red one escapes from his cowardice. He finds he is emboldened to attack the blue one, which is very fortunate because he was about to take Taco to Stanktown. I appreciate that. He charges the blue one and attacks him. Ooh, goddamn.

And he hits him for 28 points of damage, which... Shit. Yeah. That was the red one? Yeah, the red one just attacked the blue. The red one is the biggest... How about you don't go to pick that one's pocket anymore? The biggest, strongest one.

that takes the blue one way past bloodied very very very seriously hurt the green one then attacks him and crits that is going to be 4d8 plus 8 which i won't even bother rolling because it definitely definitely kills the blue ogre the blue over goes falling to the ground dead and that is it for that round. One of the automaton that just ended up to the room moves is down 10 feet away from pedestal.

I forget where the other one is going to try to slip by you. But I'm going to make... You're going to make an opportunity attack against him because he is moving by you. I don't know if he's one of these happened before,

but if you ever disengage with an enemy that you are like in melee range of, then they get to make an opportunity to attack against it. So go ahead and do that. Magnus. Okay, yeah, he does not succeed in his maneuver. Go ahead and roll damage.

That's because I hunkered. Yeah. Oh, that's going to be full damage. 12. Yeah, he is destroyed. So he was maybe a little over-eager there. The door on his side slides open. Another automaton steps out.

Magnus, it is now your turn. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Tell me about the doors on either end. They are very, very heavy metal, industrial strength doors. Got it. I'm going to move over to the other automaton that's 10 feet away from the button. Okay.

And I am, I'm going to grab its hands. Okay. Dance with it. Well, basically, I'm going to... Gollum, paint your pictures. I'm trying to... about how it's going to be. But now I should know better.

The attacks are never free. Dominay. All right. Tell me all about the little cabin by the orcsie. For a Texas star. Gallum, you could always sell any dream to me. Okay. What I'm trying to do.

What I'm trying to do. I've ever had on the show. I want to disable its hands without disabling the whole automaton. want a disabled hands not disabling its heart. Okay. You're going to try and rip this thing's arms off,

essentially. Yes. Okay. Go ahead and roll a, we'll do a strength contest. This thing's going to resist having its goddamn arms ripped off. At the last second,

looks at him like Wally. I rolled a six. I rolled a seven. Okay. It's brutal. It's like that seed in saving Private Ryan when he's just slowly burying the knife

in the guy. It's just like, He's just barely. He's still bit off my arms. Because you just barely beat him in the string contest, which means you very, very slowly tear his arms off. While looking in his cold dead robot eyes. What are you going to do with his arms? What are you going to do with his arms?

You know. Okay. Your pockets are not big enough for two robot arms. I throw them back down the hallway. Okay. You throw the robot arms down the hallway. Is there another robot seeing this? And you still have any other robot moves to the 10-foot mark.

I'm going to move back over to hunger between that robot and the button. Okay. That's it for your bizarre turn. Taco, you are up next. I, like, can't take an action because I've just been watching this thing. Oh, my God. I thought I knew him. He is an animal.

Okay, so status update. You are very strong. Blue is dead. Green is not quite bloodied. Red is pretty bloodied. Okay. You're really strong. I'm not, I mean, I do double damage with my short sword.

So it's like not great. Or your spells. The sword, it's the damage you do. Yeah. Wait, you are not, you are not just strengthened. You are energized. You are potent in every way. Oh, okay.

All right. We're going to fire up a magic missile then. Oh. Give everybody a slice. Okay. How are you distributing these missiles? I'm going to send all of them at the green one. At the green one?

Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, I don't want to kill the red one because then it's just like me and Greeno. Yep. But I think I can, like, drop him down. Pretty good call. Okay. Thanks.

Go ahead and roll damage. How did we decide how you do this? Are you rolling? Do you roll one damage and it counts for all of them or? Yes, that's what we've been doing just for like. Straight. Yeah, okay, that's fine. Expedite things.

Geez, I need more rolling room. Okay, that's four, five. Five. Five damage per. So 15. So 15 times two is 30. Whoa. Right.

You cast out magic missiles the size of goddamn torpedoes. You cast out these gigantic, these bolts are bigger than you are. And they go barreling out of... Suck on these, dipshit. The edge of your wand and blast the green one who is now severely, severely bloodied. Perfect, but not dead. Excellent. But not dead.

Excellent. And that is it for Taco's turn. Merle, you are up. You got bloodied red and a bloodied green one. You have just an update. You have no agro post. Potions. Right.

You have two healing potions. You have one hurting potion and one strengthened potion. I am going to cast a hurting potion at red. Let's get rid of red. Okay. Well, wait, hold on. Isn't green the one that's super low? They're both pretty low.

Both are really low, yeah. Are you going to focus or are you going to fire two? Could you pass a hurting one at both? And I'm going to pass. And I'm going to pass a healing. I'm going to try hitting one. No, he doesn't need healing. No, I'm good.

No, I'm just going to cast the one herding. Okay. Does he have two herdings or? Just one. Okay. I only have one hurting, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay.

I'm casting the herding. 20. 20, yes, definitely. So that's 2D10 plus 10. That's 9. 18, 28. That is a very good hit. You blast the red one who locks up stiff and falls over dead.

Yay! O'ray. Leaving just the green ogre. Cool. The one I shot with magic missiles. Alone in the arena with Taco. Cool day for me. The green one charges at Taco and swings an open-handed slap at you.

Taco Ducks. He runs away. It's a fact. A-rolls a 19. Okay. And that is going to be two. One, that is 11 points of damage. Oh, no.

Who? He's like your were worse. Taco, as he slaps you, you go flying back about 15 feet and land on the ground on top of your wand, which snaps beneath you. Oh, nerds. This happens. So you are disarmed. Did you say wand? Yeah.

Oh, okay, never mind. What did you think I said? Wang. That's a completely different mouth sound. You're telling me. Taka, you're also prone. But your wang's okay. But your wang is fine.

A quick wang check. What does that take you to do a wang check? What does that take you down to, Tucko? Three. Okay. Top of the order is the automaton's Travis down the hallway, you see the two arms slowly start crawling their way towards you in the middle, independently. The one, where are you hunkered?

Between the armid one and the button. Okay. The armid one is going to walk towards you and try and do the same sneak, sneak by you maneuver. So go ahead and make an opportunity attack. It's only an 11. That's not going to do it. He manages to get by you and slaps the button, which electrifies and paralyzes taco and Merle, who are unable to act on this turn. But Magnus, it is now your turn.

Okay, I'm going to slam into the glass wall. Okay. With my axe, two-handed. Are you going to try? try and go through it, or are you just trying to... I'm trying to go through it and get to the ground. Okay. So you're doing sort of a charge motion then?

Correct. Okay. Go ahead and attack the glass then. That is a 22. 22, yes. That is sufficient. You blast through the glass, which comes raining down. Not on top of anybody, which is.

fortunate because it's a it's a it's pretty thick glass could probably do some damage and you're going down with it right correct okay you're going to take some falling damage don't what I what wouldn't I roll a dexterity saving throw to see if I do an awesome maneuver I'll let you do that to try and mitigate some of this damage which you're falling two stories so you're going to take some goddamn damage Tony Jor 14 okay yeah we'll say you take half damage uh that is going to be 2D10. What? For 20 feet?

Yeah. 1D10 for every 10 feet. That's not that far, Griffey. I think maybe 1D, maybe 1. Plus 5, 9. Orion that down to 5. You take 5 damage for falling. And you are on ground level.

Great. Action surge. Do what now? I'm going to action surge. Huh? What to the what? And attack the Red one. Red one's dead.

So you hack it is dead corpse. Way to pay attention. Attack the green one. Okay, yeah, you landed relatively close to him, and you still have some movement since falling. I don't think technically counts his movement. So you get right up on him and attack four. Oh, you're going double-handed. Yeah, that's going to be 22.

22, yeah. And then a D-10 plus four. I felt really guilty about paralyzing taco. And he's sitting there with, like, drool coming out of the side of his mind. mouth. My face is frozen in the expression of a man who just realized that his wand broke. It's pretty sad. But then swang is intact. And also layered on that a third layer of residual horror at washing you rip a poor robot's arms off. I'm still like dealing with that in my head. I'm locked in a prison. Well, we can also still hear. Yeah, yeah. In the distance,

there's a line of a dying robot. I did 10 points of damage 10 points of damage okay Not enough to kill him But enough to draw his attention Yes in fact you did and he goes next And immediately returns fire Why does he get another turn already?

Because you guys are paralyzed He rolled a 19 That's gonna hit And he is going to hit you for 15 points of damage I'm sorry, what? 15 points of damage Okay

To kill me Oh really? So there, Griffin, your plans fails He knocks you across the arena though And you go prone Oh, I forgot to hunker Dammit He did not hunker, he knocks you

about 20 feet back and you land on your tummy. And broke your wang. Broke your wang. Next in the order is the automaton who jump out of the broken glass window seeking vengeance for Magnus and shatter instantly as soon as they hit the ground. So next in the order is Magnus again. Just lay there, pal. Just lay there.

Are you not unconscious? No. I have four points left. Okay. I am going to, well, I'm prone, right? Yeah, standing up is half your movement. I'm going to stand up. Okay. I'm going to walk to five feet of the ogre.

Okay. And I'm going to point at Merle. Okay. As if to say, you got me, right? Okay. All right. That's your turn. Taco, it's your turn. Oh, and I'm going to.

I'm a hunker. Okay. Well, I guess I'll go ahead and... How far away am I from this? You have to stand up first. Okay. Well, I mean, I'm going to be the same distance from him, right? Mm-hmm.

So, okay, I stand up. As you stand up, something in your pack begins to rattle feverishly. It's a robot arm. Get out of there. Something in your bag is moving, and you can actually feel some warmth emanating from your bag. Okay, I look in the bag. What's in the bag? You stick your hand in the bag, reach in searching for this movement and this warmth.

And what you find, what you pull out is actually the umbrella that you found in Wave Echo Cave. Okay. And as you hold it, you feel magical energy just sort of pulsating from it. You feel more powerful just holding your umbrella. I'm going to use magic missile on this guy. You swing around, you point the umbrella at the damaged green ogre. It opens up and deploys and awaits your damage rolls. Polite.

Two, so I rolled a two. What is it, two? Two, three. Three times three. Which is nine. Three silvery bolts emerge from the tip of your open umbrella that all fly at him and actually hits him for 12 damage instead of 9. You blast him again with magic missiles and he locks up, goes stiff and falls over backwards. And you hear boom, boom, boom, come from the intercom.

And the voice of the director says, that was quite an unconventional way. of doing that. I particularly liked when you ripped the arms off that poor helpless robot. But congratulations. You have passed the test of initiation.

Yeah. Baller. Party at my place. Griffin, can you say the part where you say we've solved your puzzle? You've solved my puzzle of robot arms ripping.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listeners. supported. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered. It's a show about making meaning and breaking rules. We're answering important questions, like, can you build a space suit in your living room? I went to my brother's place in Beaverton, and he has a swimming pool, and I pressurized the suit and sat down there underwater for about 10 minutes. The thing that I built was supporting my life.

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