The Adventure Zone - Sexy Battle Wizards: Live in Raleigh!

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

Come in, Sexy Battle Wizards! Undead lizards are on a rampage trying to steal all of the sexy out of New New Arcanium City. Can Litch Buchanan, Majesto the Sexiest, and Gandilf use magic, fighting, and sexiness to stop him?Additional Music in this Episode: '"Apex" by Alexander Nakarada: http://alexandernakarada.bandcamp.com; and "Zombie Rock" and "Boom" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/.Center for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Come in, come in, in AC Rangers. This is W. Cessaly thickbody. It was touch and go that... With Cecily. No, yes, Tadrick, it's W. Cessley. I've told you this many times, and yes, I can hear you. Good, was Cecily. This is Oling.

No, I... Yes, I know. I said your name. M.C. Hey, Tadric, it's completely under control. We do not need... You or it's completely fine. Do not worry about it, okay?

Well, fear not. No, I, please don't do that, Tadrick. I don't need help. Now asking for help when you need it. No, but that's what I said. I don't need it. Toddrake, I don't need help. With Cecily, fear no more.

And you, please don't do this, please. The sexy battle wizards. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. Sexy Battle Wizards. I'm trying to come up with that. There is no better name. Damn straight. Okay.

I'm your game master. We are playing sexy battle wizards by Grant Howitt. And hey, listen, at this point, Grant Howitt is basically in the past designing one-shots for the adventure zone. It's really quite amazing. So, patreon.com slash G.S. Howitt.

I was about to do that and then you did it and that's just, no, it's good. It's a good thing to be on the same wavelength. Hey, introduce your characters, but we're going to start with Griffin. Okay. Oh, spicy. I am Gandilf. No further explanation needed. Travis asked me on the elevator ride up here, what's the vibe of your character like?

And I said, Magneto. A lot like Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings films. Oh. Dad, introduce your sexy battle wizard. I'm Litch Buchanan. You have to explain that. Yeah, you actually do need.

I'm a sexy undead wizard from the city's sewer system. Wait, that's news to me. Hold on. Okay, go on. It'll come up. But that doesn't explain your costume, Clint. Nothing, nothing has been explained.

He didn't have time to get a costume. This is a live show. Right. We will have approximately 100 minutes to weave a tapestry here. Leaving gaps in the map right now seems like a... Listen, into the Spiderverse, they didn't explain

everything at the very beginning. They let things unfold. That's fine. And Justin, do you want to introduce your character? Yeah. I told my daughter if she cleaned her room, she could make up my character and pick his outfit. This is 100% true. This is not a bit.

But wait. So I'll be portraying Majesto the Sexiest. And he is a naked man. Now, originally my costume design was that's it. And Sidney talked her into the skin-colored trunks. So this is actually

a conservative take on Majesto, the sexiest, from where he could have been. Are you ready to begin? Yeah. Oh, wait. I forgot to say one thing about my character if I may. I know we're about to...

These are his void blades. Obviously. And while yes, they can be joined into one blade, I've sworn to never do it because it would be too, the cost would be too great and the drama too severe. Now you all remember that. I'm sure it won't come up. But no matter what. No, do not join those together. It would be horrible. So, so there stands the leader of the new, new, arcaneum city rangers. Cessaly Thickbody.

She's just finished radioing her own rangers to say we have the situation completely under control. When three representatives, I got to make sure I get the name of the school right, let me look at it. Okay, there it is.

Three representatives from Todrick, Bethesdar's School for Arcane Wonderment and Risirdry. Ooh. Risidry? I want to give credit to one of the moderators on my Twitch channel, chess, who I was like,

I want a thing about Chrisma, but I'm not sure. And Chesda's like, Rizerdry. Very good. Riz er dreary. Brilliant. Griffin is explaining the term to Mac. Okay. Okay.

And now, Dad, if you could just slide one of those my way real quick. Oh, God. Okay. Your prayers are answered. No. Sorry. I need to not lead with that because some people think I'm doing. doing a Moses thing.

So your representatives from the school. Welcome. I'm W. Sessaly, thickbody. You're all looking very sexy today. And to you. Thank you. And also unto you. I keep with the religious stuff. I am super sorry. Yeah, really.

What seems to be the problem? No, no problem. There were some undead lizard folk. They were raised by Salamandra and Lizard. Salamanderet and Lizardo Scalix, the evil wizards, sexy evil wizard. Of course. Yes. And they're half sexy, half evil half brother Newt.

They raised the undead lizard folk, but then we magiced like a hedge kind of wall around it, containing them. And the magic that is animating these undead lizard folk will dissipate at sunrise. So it's all taken care of. You all can go away. Okay. See ya. No, wait.

We'll take it from here. Take what? The clues. The what? The what? I'm sorry. I have never heard this person speak before. I haven't either.

I'm very surprised. Yeah. Are you surprised because I'm a naked man? Nope. That's actually not uncommon. All right. Some people get a little free. Bigs out.

Okay? Anyways, everything's fine. We don't need any of Todrick Bethesda's people in here, messing things up, destroying property. Okay. What? We'll see you. Nope.

Well, now hold on. Oh. How the tides have turned. No, wait. I thought you meant we'll see you like you thought I was leaving. Sorry. Sorry, I thought I. I'm so sorry. Okay.

We'll take it from here. Thank you so much. I can't stress enough. Take what? From where? I make just a picture, a little picture of me appear in my hand as an illusion. And he says, we'll take it from here. Okay, Griffin, make a wizard roll.

So in Sexy Battle Wizard, you have three stats, sexy battle, and wizard. And Griffin, what is your wizard score? Three. So Griffin's going to roll three. 3D6s. This is a pretty simple illusion, so I'm going to set the difficulty of four. I got two sixes. Damn, dude. Yeah. And you know what? He makes an even littler Gandalfe in his hand.

And you know what, Griffin, you see something shift in W. Sessley's eyes, just for a moment. Okay. Oh. Damn it! I do like miniature, miniature illusions. It's a great bit. It is a good bitch Hold on, let me put this away You gotta squish him every time

I don't know why Every time? Every single time? Do they remember? He does I've honestly never asked Let me ask him, hold on Not again Hey do you all remember when

Every time? Oh, that sucks Oh God! Okay, but listen We have the undead. The entrance is over there, but please don't go through the entrance. We have it taken care of. We don't need any intervention from the wizards from the school, okay? I get it.

It's one of those then. One of what? Why did you wink? Discretion. We're all winking all the time. I can keep it quiet. You won't even know we're there. All right, I'm going to start striding over.

Enough talking. What? No. I'm going to start striding towards this cave. I want to get a look around. It's not a cave. What? An entrance in a hedge race.

What is that but the caves of trees? So I turned back, wait a minute. A bush cave. Fucking great point. Thanks, man. That's not me and character. That's me as Travis. Yeah.

I turned back around after we've already started strutting, embarrassed, and I say, sorry, where is the cave again? The cave of trees is over there. It's all right. Someone started making my wood. way into there. How dark is it? It's not dark. There's not a cap on the hedge.

Okay. There's not a ceiling. I couldn't remember if it was night or day. State time. Okay, cool. That's less dramatic. Usually if you're trying to amp the stakes up, it's like... There's no stakes! There's no stakes! It's just usually if you're... Listen, I've been a GM for a little bit now, Trave. And

what you want to do is is you want to say a few times if it's night or day. Six or seven times, men. Just really clarifying. Okay, cool. And I haven't been a DM for years, but I agree with him. Let's rock and roll.

Yeah. I run in slow motion behind you. I kick the door in so he doesn't get hurt. No door. Kick the bush in. I pass through the bush like Homer Simpson in that one shit. You do that two feet to the left of the opening. Yeah, of course.

Roll? Oh, yeah? Yeah. Battle against the bush. What's the difficulty, GM? The difficulty is four. Okay, good. That's exactly what I got. Okay, great. So if you match it, then it succeeds, right?

Right. But you mark one stress, and you get some little twigs and leaves and stuff in your beard. Okay. Are they in there with the other twigs and leaves and stuff that were already in there? Yes, but they're not as aesthetically placed. Oh, shoot! Okay. Yeah.

I'm doing a lot of incredible. I think we can all agree so far I've done a lot of really necessary shit so far. Yeah. You went through the bush instead of the opening. I'm going to let you all take the lead on this next one. Okay. I just want to find something that looks like we've done something.

So you enter into the hedge maze, and the first thing you see, they've surrounded basically about like four city blocks. Oh, my God. That's a really big hedgeman. It's just a big hedgeman. They had it under control. I had a, I'm in a few hedgements.

hedge rays. It's just way, way, way, way, way. It's not even really a hedge race so much as it's just a very structured hedge containment unit. Okay, got it. We should have no trouble finding our way to the middle of it then, right? There's no middle of it. It's just a hedge. It's a hedge wall. Anywho.

The first thing you see is you see a grocery store. It's small like a co-op. It's being looted by lizard folk. Undead lizard folk. Oh, boy. Okay. Litch is going to attack the lizard folk

No, no, I stop him, I say No, too late, what do you do? Oh, man. I use my power, which is to summon mutated undead creatures from the sewers. Jesus Christ. Hey, come on. Litch, Buchanan.

Yeah. You say use your power. Unlife preserver. Dad, don't use all this great stuff so early. Well, I have to convince Griffin. I know what I'm doing. Dan, you say use your power. Yeah, it's in the thing I sent you.

Sexy undead wizard from the city's sewer system that magically summons mutated undead creatures. Come on, Treve, it was in the thing he said you. It was in the thing I sent you. Clinton Eatwell Macorre. You don't read anything I send you. You never respond to text messages. I tell you, Dad, here was my fault.

I guess I just kind of assumed. that you would build a character based on the stuff on the sheet of paper that explains the rules of the game I yeah Griffin was mad at Dad because he made up his weapon and then I said Griffin it's all make-em-ups man Path of beasts

all right yeah so just make it fuck up Travis okay roll dad what do I roll? Magic your magic your wizard skill I'm a three in wizard skills wow I'm gonna tell you what I'm doing Or do I just roll?

You summoned undead mutated sewer viz. Well, yeah, but there's all times of different things. To defend this corporate business. It's a great big mutated alligator. Okay. And I call him gator. Sure. On the nose.

And he looks like for Reynolds. Yeah, okay, I got it. I'll get it. See? Oh, where will I get to the turtles? Just roll the... Jesus Christ. What did you get?

A one, a five, a four. You take the five. The five? The five is what I rolled. The five works. Get them, Gator. Get them. Okay, Mark one stress, Dad. What? It works.

It's equal to. And the Gator starts fighting these lizards. And man, that big old Gator tail sure is smashing around the co-op. Sure is taking off shells and windows left and right. Great stuff so far. team. So if I'd roll a six, it doesn't happen. It's different rules from steeplechase. This isn't the same game. You do know that, right?

Of course he does. Of course he does. Majesso, what do you do? And the lizard folk are like, oh, what the how many are there left? I mean, yeah. I guess there's still four, but they're fighting a bigger undead lizard. Who they think is a god to them. They don't. They're not stupid. All right, I walk up.

What is, we was just looting? One of them's French. One of them's French. One of them's French. Gator, get the French one. God, Dad. First of all, you look incredible. Thank you, so dear.

Great. Hey, I was hoping you could fill me in on the whole, Roll charm. What's your sexy score? Three. Well, that's a, the best I rolled was a four. Okay, so I'm going to describe now. This is, this is Sming, the Lizard Folk. What did you just consult?

What reference book could you possibly have just... Oh, Sming. Great, great, great, great. Never mind. It is like 50 lizard names. Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. And I'm going to roll D20 twice to describe them for you off of this chart that I've made.

Oh, shit. Okay, Sming is a winsome, a winsome pulsing lizard. Whoa. Yeah. I bet that looks cool. Yeah, man. Ah, Ziplin. Lay it out.

Okay, I will tell you, but first we must dance. All right, here we go. No, no, no. You take a stress, by the way. A four hits, but you take a stress. That works? A four?

Yeah. Stress is how we die. We should make that clear. No, stress is how you go take a break back into the school and the sauna. Okay, sure, sure, sure. Ah, the plan? Thank you for asking.

Thanks for not making a big deal out of me being a naked man. This is I'm a naked lizard who might do judge. I've never thought about it that way. You know, God, as we listen's worship, wants us all to be naked. I don't speak French.

This is fair. So our creators, salamandra and lizardo, they want to take over new, I can't the MCD says, hey, Rose, I'll take over, and then you. I can't the MCD, net by. Chew, boy, that's some breath control. I, oh, they're trying to take over.

Yep, and then he stabs you. So give me a battle roll to see if you avoid it. My battle's not great. Are you wearing armor? It took me 2.8 seconds to get that joke. That was incredible. I got a five. Okay.

You match it because you're not wearing your armor. You donge, right? But it kind of hurt what you do is it like, oh, you tweak something. You don't get a stab, but like, oh, you tweak something. But it's kind of a sexy way, right? Yeah, no, yeah, you tweak it as sexy. You pop a hip is what it is. And it's a little betty boob like, ooh, as you do it, and it works.

It works. Good. Take one stress, but you do avoid, and then you get the opportunity to respond in common. Well, I hate to do this, but I'm going to have to choke him with the locks of light. That's the name of my hair, by the way. It's the source of my power. Listen, her room is really dirty, okay? Okay, Justin, roll wizard plus one, because I like that.

All right, good. Six. Oh, shit, yeah. You nail it. You choke his lizard out. Swings dead. Hold on. Yep, this means dead.

And the gator is taking out two other ones. What are their names? For the record, I wasn't trying to kill him. But I wasn't not trying to kill him. Yeah, listen. You know, you wanted him to stop. So, skis is also dead. And what were the describers for skis?

All right. Dad just asked you to describe a dead body. So quiet. And you're about to use some adjectives that are going to suck. He was really funny and kind to his kids. Yeah. It says he's a father of AIDS. Whoa.

And, no, he was a spelt, stunning corpse. Wow. Yeah. And there was another one that died, too. Yeah. And so also you got Bunko. Bunko's dead. Whoa.

Tell me about Bunko. He was an orphan. That was the only thing about Bunko. He actually made kind of a big deal about it all the time. I'm an orphan. Bunko was a crevacious and scintillating orphan. Oh, that's the most tragic kind. Because they have their whole sexy future ahead of them.

Oh. I, uh, runaway train never gone down. Dang. I realize that we are going to be made as sexy battle wizards in this sort of environment. And if we want to be able to go a little bit more incognito, maybe I should look less the part. And so I cast a glamour over myself to appear like Griffin McElroy. Oh, okay. Roll wizard?

It's high. Fucking please. It's a seven. You got to meet a seven. Oh, wait. Is he trying to... He wanted to dig his beard and his wig off. Five.

Five is the next to the best one is a five. Okay. Griffin, you can dig the beard off. The hat is the part that sucks the most, but the beard won't let me drink. They're both so bad. But you don't have all the hat. Griffin, you can dig both off if you take two stress.

Probably. I'll fucking do it, man. Whoa, the magic is real. It's grip. Probably. Backstage, before we started, I made the realization of, by the way, the last four Taz shows I've DMed. Griffin has chosen costumes that, like, obscure his face and makes him sweat his ass off.

I made it longer in that than the big fucking slimer mask that I wore at the last show. You spent your son's college tuition on. This Gandalf costume was also very expensive. I meant Gandilf. I misspoke. By the way, my favorite Georgia Jones song, hands down, is the hat is what sucks the most, but the beard won't let me drink. They did that on the Netflix series.

Yeah, I love that. There is one undead lizard folk left. He is no longer looting. He very clearly is like, you know what, I'm done, and I don't want to fight anymore. What do you guys do? We're sexy battle wizards. Oh, I mean, oh, shoot.

I stab him. No, I just say that. Now he said it. You still have to do the Gandal voice. Oh. We are sexy battle wizards. Hey, if you take another stress, it'll let you not have to do the voice.

No, you have to do the voice. Now, the voice is fine. The voice doesn't cut off circulation to my fucking comedy organ. You're a number on it. You can't tell, right, that I've been wearing an incredibly tight wig. Okay, great.

I don't look like a fucking Frankenstein. Great, great, great. No. So remembering you are sexy battle wizards. Yes. What do you do to this basically surrendering undead lizard folk?

I say, you seem like a friendly person, lizard. What's your name, friend? And what describe your body? My name is skink. Skink? That's a thing already.

We already had that one. Okay. I didn't. You're talking about my brother's Sming and Skis and Bung You, so, you've got to be one of the most chill. You've got to be one of the most chill only children. You were doing Taco!

I know. Yeah. Sorry, character voices. Yeah, Mac. You've got to be one of the most chill only children I've ever met. Listen, I was Jed before this, and I'll be dead again at sunrise. Gosh. And standing before you see a.

statuesque and glowing undead lizard folk. Like the bones? No, just he's like, yeah. No, no, no, I know, but. He has an inner glow. But it's a glowing skeleton is what you're describing. He's not a skeleton, he's undead. Okay, so there's some meat, okay, this is a fresh.

I didn't say fresh. Okay, Jesus Christ. Litch banishes him to the sewers. Now, come on, if you're going to give a guy control over the undead. You have two options. Okay. You could do it as a wizard with magic. Or you could do it like you're just telling him to go to the sewers.

Hey, go to the sewers. And then it's charm with sexy. Oh, come on. I'll do it as... All right. I'll do sexy. What's your rating? Wait, what's your sexy rating?

I get two for sexy. You have one in battle? Yeah. Okay. Well, all I do is summon up dead animals. Sure. I guess that's fair. Okay, that's a three and a three.

Okay, so six. Say it. Say it like you were compelling him to go down to the sewers. I compel you to go to the sewers, my friend. No. So now take that one point of stress and one point of determination. That's right. There's one more stat.

Don't get too overwhelmed. All right. So I'm going to go. Not to the sewers. Okay, so it worked. Why did I have to take stress? Why did you say that if you, you're totally going to the sewers, aren't you?

No, not the sewers. You wanted me to go to? Different sewers. That's for me to know you to find out. Oh, wow. Dad, when you said the sewers, everybody knew what part of the sewers you meant. Yeah.

It's a different part of the sewers, different sewers. I'm going to the cool. part of the sewers? Keep an eye out for... Was it turtles? Is that what you said? I'm sorry. Turtles aren't real.

Said the talking undead lizard. That's a whole different type of animal. Yeah. I'm so sorry for him. I'll explain the differences once you've left for the sewers. It's just we try our best. I get you.

I get you. Does that have something to do with Riz? No. I fucking hate that I told you. you the correct definition of Riz. That was 30 full minutes ago, and it just hit me that I blew a huge fucking opportunity there. Well, I didn't ask you to explain Gandilf.

No? Okay. Seems like it was pretty apparent. Griffin! Do we need to end the show? No, it'll be fine. So, skink leaves. That's just Matt Griffin stole his tattoo idea.

Honestly, it was pretty cool. At this voice, I'll get at it by the end of Act 1. Don't worry. So Gator just kind of looks at you and like, Well, go back to the sewer. Roll, dad, roll. I got a role to unsummon him. Yeah, man.

You could get it tragically wrong. You remember what griffed out to Squish's kids? You know what? I'm not going to. Come on, Gator. Go with us. Oh, then wait. Hold on.

Wait. If you're not going to come with us, then where are you going to go, Gator? To the fucking sewers, I bet. No, no, no, not those sewers. Different. Different sewers are you going to? Different ones. Oh, okay.

All right. All right. Compel him. Compel the hell out of him, dad. I'm telling you, and I'm going using magic. Make your pet go away. And there's a six. Get the hell out of here.

Go to the fucking sewers. You see him climb over to a suit like a man on your? He was going there anyway. Well, thanks for stealing my joy. Hey, I'm sorry about that. No, it's all. Hey, do you want me to explain my name to you? Too late.

Nudo over here already did that. Hey, Nudo is the noodle wizard, and you know that. Yeah. He shoots spaghetti in his enemies. So do we see the bad guys where they are? Yeah. You're going to progress to the next point. Okay.

In the adventure. They're doing it smoothly and seamlessly. Yeah. Like it was always meant to be. We never let you see the loading screens here on the Adventure Zone. In the edited version available soon. Now this is... As you progress towards the source of the magic is what I meant to say.

Oh yeah. Makes much more sense. I'm much more enraptured by the tail now. You make your way through a tree-lined street that's filled with expensive-looking brownstone homes. The trees are so thick. The branches have grown together. They've created a canopy covering the street. So there is a roof.

A canopy. Canopy and a roof. Try to get that past an inspector. You are getting absolutely butchered by semantics tonight. Well, canopy is a roof of trees. Yeah. So I was right. You know, I don't want to, no, I'm not taking your side.

He's in charge. Okay. Hey, you tell us. That was a good choice. You tell him you. You were on the fence there. You're telling boss, giving the business, boss. And you're following your magical senses,

and you know to continue towards the source of the magic, towards the Scalic twins, and their half-brother Newt, you will have to progress through this tree line straight. Well, let's keep walking like we've been doing this whole time. I'm going to extend the locks of light to see if they sense danger. Okay, give me a wizard roll. Okay, I'm really bad at magic stuff. Oh, a six.

Okay, yeah, with the six, I mean, it doesn't, that's not a great place for one, but thank you for rooting for me. I do appreciate it. Hey, it ain't a bad place for one. No stress taken there, you beat the number I was thinking of, and as your locks of light cast their light up into the tree tops, you can't quite make out what it is, but you see shadows moving away from the light.

So like you just see the edges of things shuffling and shifting away from the light in the trees. But whatever it is, seems to be blending in with their surroundings. Okay, I take out my void blades and just start chopping down trees. Okay, give me a battle. Hell yes, hell yes.

Give me a battle. You're in the trees. Oh, that kicks ass, maybe. Who knows? Do it. Kicks ass. Give me a battle roll. I'm better at that, but not. as good as I am at being sexy. Five?

Okay, yeah. With a five, you're going to take a stress. You chop the trees down. They start falling through some windows and doors here and there. Don't worry about it. Come on, use the blades. Come on, I want to see it.

It's an audio podcast. Not to them. I got it. Don't do it. Juice. Hey, juice. Hey, juice. Hey, juice. Juice, juice, juice. Listen. You don't want video of you swinging a

a lightsaber around. out there on the internet. Take it from Griffin. He's a meme. That's all I'm gonna say. Hey, Griffin at this point, you're like three memes. I know. It's a sad life. You're also the one where you're like,

I don't know what this means. I'm doing afraid to ask and you bit a banana and you swung lightsaber and you caught it. You think about meming in your old age? Boy, I hope my son's still listening backstage. Okay, so as you top down the trees, you see undead lizard folk fall to the ground, right, landing on all fours.

As you know, lizards always land on their feet. What were their names? We haven't gotten there yet. You can't look at them and know their names, Klan. We got to ask. Okay. How are we going to ask dead lizards? They're undead.

But you can also see that they had patterned their skin to blend in with the trees. You're dealing with undead chameleons. Oh, gosh. How many did I get with my little Paul Bunyan's stunt there? How many of them did I get? Six of them have fallen out of the tree. They're all fine. Because they landed on their feet.

Lizards always landed on their feet. Okay, well, listen, I've been very active here. I need you guys to step up to the plate and re-kill some of these lizards. Well, I'm going to take another approach. Oh, much better. Okay, I recently had an opening in my organization. Hey, Dad, you've got to choose your fucking words better. And faster, yeah.

I just had to let let Gator go. Who's talking? Who's this guy? I had to let Gator go. There we go. And so would you six be

interested in coming over to my undead summoning company? Hey man, you're going to have to tell us more than that. Like what's the pay? What are the hours? And if the hours are more than sun-up, then...

It's when I summon you. You live in... You're not selling it great to start off with, man. You live in the sewer of your choice. This guy let you go to these sewer you want. And nobody's going to bother you, except for me when I summon you. And what's the pay? Pay.

Yeah, my man, what's the pay? Let's see. I have multiple DoorDash coupons that you... We don't have a couch. Fantasy DoorDash. Fantasy DoorDash. There's not much pay, but you know what? The reward you get, the reward you get for working with me.

Nope. Hey, you're going to have to. So sexy rolls. No. In what universe? Hey, dad, you can roll sexy. It's not going to happen. Unless you roll when you got two dice there, if you roll two sixes.

Holy shit. Then it will work. So there's a chance. Sure. Holy shit. Okay, you know what? He got a six and a four. Pretty close, pretty close.

But not so half of them. Here's what I'll say. One of them is like, okay. But then all the other five are like, no, no, no, man. We're part of a pretty kick-ass undead lizard union. We've got to get you signed up.

There's a cool part of the sewer. And what's his name? His name. Bunko Jr. No, hold on. His name is Slees. Sleez?

Ah, shoot. Are you going to describe him? The one that wanted to work for you was sleaze. Slees is Naive and easily swayed. There it is. A sinewy? A sinewy and turgid listen.

Yeah. Welcome to the company, my turgid friend. What? You know, actually, now I'm thinking about it. No, too late. I'm sorry. Guys, still make fun of me, but it, is Tergen, like, constipated? Jay Man?

Yeah? It's like, from what I understand, like a stiffy situation. Rid. You met rigid. No, it just means like swollen? Swollen. Yeah, swollen is another way of... Oh, okay. Gotcha.

I would do anything else. I'm sitting right here. So now Sleez is standing behind you. What are you mean? Look, um... Why don't you go to the sewer and wait until I call, okay? You just go to the sewer, whatever sewer, and when I call, I'll call, you go on. Okay, thanks.

How do you call? I have an unlife preserver. That's a floaty. How the fuck does that work? Just go, okay? No, I've also been wondering the same thing. Listen, I'm on board, clearly. I'm just trying to understand the ins and out.

Okay, look, you see the manhole cover over there? Yeah. Go down, take a left, and go to a sewer. Okay, I'm cool on that part, but as far as like, you could text me. If you need to get a hold of old sleeves, you just... All right, all right, all right, all right. Give me your digits. Okay.

It's 5,55, 426, 969, all right. Nice. I had to pay top. I had to pay top dollar for that one. How do you know all these things, Griffin? And why? Okay, I'll be in the sewer if you need me. You got it.

See you later, my friend. As soon as that one lizard is out of eyesight, I go, okay. And I pull a meteor down from the sky to smash the other five. Okay, roll magic for me. Six. Yeah, fuck yeah. Again. So that pretty much takes care of that challenge.

By the way, as the meteor is falling, Majester, like, points his hands at them like he's helping, just because he wants to get up in on it. Yeah. The legends, you know. Yeah, sure. Of his contribution. We can split credit on that one.

Fantastic. Let's see if there's any casualties first. Let's look at all of their identifications in their wallets first. So, no, they all. burned up. The next step as you follow, you reach the end of the tree land path. Let's name them in honor of their demise. We gotta make a tombstone. Spunky. That one's a spunky. Hey, how dare you? I have other names on here. You elected not to use them. Yeah, you had the opportunity. So now was right there. What just happened there was we were trying to play in the space with you and you said,

no, this is my space. I'll tell you the names of them. There was skim. Skim. And slans. Slans. and swing. Okay. And Sandin of And Landon. I feel like this is the worst wordle attempt ever. And Sandin of And Landon and Juicy Brawis. Oh, God. It kind of leaned into that one.

Yeah. Cool. No, now it's your party. You want to do more stuff? You want to let me lead the game. You can lead the game, Travis. You reach the end of the Treeline Street and you find a beautiful park. Let me roll for the descriptors of the park. It is a

It is a steamy park Oh, okay, so it's here in Raleigh, North Carolina then It is a steamy park overhead The clouds are swollen with the promise of rain That was really good, yeah, by the way, hey, I do owe you all an apology I got into my car after enjoying your great bookstore, the Quail Quail Road Bucks I got in my car after I was in there for a little bit

and car hot. Car hot. Yeah, car hot. You were right on that one. Not like normal. No, extra hot. Really super, really, really hot. So, egg on my face, car hot.

There in the middle of the steamy park, you see Patch of Sunlight, and there's like three undead iguana lizard folk. Snapping in the sunlight. Oh. Yeah. I could just meteoros. or this one too, and we could be on our merry way.

You told me you only had one meteor per day. Oh, that's right. Shit. Wait, did I already use it? I had a little bit of the Hobbit's kindness since my last melee. Yeah. Go get him naked.

My mind is as steamy as, he has. this park. Everyone stay calm. A naked man is approaching. Shoo. Shoo. What is there, do I see the source of the magic

beyond them? Yeah. Are they impeding my progress at all? I mean, not really. Okay. Do they have pillows? Yeah, they're very safe. Okay, I'll put. Wait. Does it look like they're breathing?

Oh, yeah. They're snoring. Then I'll get, They're having a great time. I get one of the pillows and just find one of the far left and suffocate them. So is not to wake the other two. Yeah. But here's the kicker. I'm going to do it in a sexy way.

Oh. Justin, demonstrate it. Like. Roll for sexy. A sexy suffocation. Those exist, I'm told. It's a sexy five, I got. Yeah, you know what?

Here's what I'll say. It works. You don't have to sit. This is the last moment before you've said anything. I know. Okay. It works. And you gain a stress from it.

But it awakens something within you. And I'll just leave it. Jesus Christ. I'll leave it at that. A deep. A deep regret. I don't know what it is. Has been awakened.

A deep unease. However you want to take it. It registers. I just explained how I took it. So the subject is close. There are two more. I mean, I think we should all get a turn. Okay.

No. No, you said it. Are they still asleep? No, it's okay. No, really. It's fine. I'm happy to... No, no, no, no.

Please. Let us all have some fun. I don't know what it's happening. I try to bring a meteor down on the other two. Sorry, but... Roll from that. It's a little meteor. I got a four.

Travis, they were talking a lot about erotic strangling, which is... Not strangling, suffocation. Asphyxiation, I believe it's called. That encompasses both. What do I do? No, what happens? That was a trap. I don't even tell for it.

You're looking out at them like their CSI. What has happened next? So the meteor comes down, but it's very little. It gets one of them. Oh, yeah. So take a stress. Okay. And the other one wakes up.

And they're like, oh my gosh. What the? Oh shit. What? I whack him across the face with the pillow as hard as I can. I didn't think I just acted. Okay, roll first battle. I do it in a sexy way.

Nope. All right. By the way, I almost just died. In that encounter, that failure very nearly killed me. Okay. I got a two and a one. Oh, no. You miss.

Yeah. And you actually flung it so hard that you stumble and fall and you take one stress and one determination. Wait, how much stress do you have? But here's the thing about it, though.

I do take the determination. I will keep that happily. But as the pillow like swings wide and whips past his face, you look in Majesto's eyes for a second and he disappears in a puff of magic, dead. Okay, there's two of you left. It's fine.

No, no, no, I come back. It's fine. It's in there. Don't worry. We've all... All right, so one's still asleep. No, you're... You woke up, but he is half away.

What? Huh? I am going to summon from the sewers an abandoned giant anaconda. Anaband, sorry. Somebody abandoned anaconda. Abandoned anaconda. Abandoned anaconda. Abandoned anaconda banana stand.

Were they allowed, I don't think you're allowed to own that. That's why they abandoned it. So it's contraband. It was contraband. It was contraband. Bada, Bada, Bada, Banda. That's my favorite. That's a palindrome, I think, and a haiku.

That's amazing. Okay. And order them to swallow the two iguanas that are left. I'm going to be under the fucking table for this next 10 minutes of the show. Hey, Dad, roll for magic? Yeah, I can, because I have three as a wizard. Oh, I got to use my prop. You don't?

Good. Good. Sexy. But what does it do? You don't shout sexy while you're due. doing it. That's a six, though. Shit. It was pretty sexy. So it turns out your anaconda does want some because

he swallows that lizard focon, but slowly. You're there present the whole time. All three of you looking in his eyes. Oh, boy. Oh, God. Hey, guys, there's a big snake here in a swamp. Hey, guys, do something. Do we see his hand, like, texting

trying to get off a few less texts as it swallows him all? Yeah, man. I love that. He's just taking it. texting his wife and kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I had to take a phone call. What happened?

I'm getting eaten real bad. Hold on to calling right back. Oh, God. Dad, what will happen to your snake if it eats something undead? There's no life to draw from it. Won't that burn it? I will make a note and remember that in act.

Okay, so the anaconda has eaten the snake man, or a lizard man, excuse me. He's questioning it. Yes, sure. The anaconda has no. scientist, he doesn't know. Is there enough of him left? Did we see when he was texting what his name is?

It was Clint McElroy. The Blaine's Walking General? No, unrelated. Spelled differently. There was an A in there somewhere. Clant. McElroy. Clant.

Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant. Clant.

Go to the sewers, client. Hey, I know you're not allowed to talk, but you can say clant one time if you want to. It's really fun. Client. Yeah, it seems good. It feels good to say it. So, uh, so Litch and Gandilver, you get, um, Nope.

You hear your radio. Uh, hey, it's me, Todrick, Bethesda. So, uh, yeah, Majesso just to re-corporated back here. You guys want to come up for a little bit of a sauna? I'm feeling fresh as a date. Wait, no, I'm not. Yeah, for sure. And by sauna, do you mean hospital for wizards?

Tomato tomato. No, I need treatment from an actual medical professional. Then yes. So we're going to a hot, steamy place, correct? A hot spittle, yes. Did you say a hot spittle? I did. That's fucking great, man.

Hot spittle. Yes. Yeah. Just come up, get a massage. Yeah, sure, sure. But a doctor's going to be there. A doctor will be there giving you a massage. A medicine also, though, right?

A medicine massage. A massage is great, but I do need medicine very bad. A medicinal massage. Okay. Just some Advil. Yeah. All right. Be-po, pooh, beep, beep, boop.

You pop back up. You pop back up to the son. You see me, Jeff. though, looking alive. It turns out I'm fine. It all happens sometimes you're swinging a pillow trying to kill a lizard man, and then you vanish. I don't even know what the working version of that would have been.

Me neither. I was under a lot of stress. Yeah. Go ahead and clear your stress while you all take a moment. Okay. Are you guys ready to go back? Did I see a fucking doctor? Define doctor.

I think that I have. We have magic. It's Dr. Strange. Yeah, let's just go. Drink this potion. It has one millionth of medicine in it. Wait, hey, wait a minute. Are you telling me that dying and come back to life

didn't clear Griffin's Griffin enchantment? I feel like he would be back to... He didn't die. Yeah, but I didn't fucking die. You're the dyer, not me. I'm still Griffin. Nice try. Hey, Justin, I almost fainted. Jimmy Hendricks would have just fainted.

That's all I'm saying. And that's the only way in which Grivin is not Jimmy Hendricks. That man's, that man's guitar caught on fire and he kept playing it. That's amazing, guys. So scary. I'd be screaming for help. Someone, please. You know what happened to Jimmy Hendricks.

Yeah, he was a legend. Legend forever. All right. I'm going to warp you guys back down. Magic. And you're back down. Now you find yourselves in an abandoned subway station. Before you stands the evil sexy twin wizards,

Scalamandra, and Luzardo Scalix. And they're half sexy, half wizard, half brother Nudes. That makes them an eighth of each. Nope. We'll figure it out backstage. We'll do some. You add it together, he's one and a half. Holy shit.

Welcome to Alea. Thank you for. having us. That's very polite and I appreciate. Unfortunately, we can't let you take over. Not again. I'm a jesto. We meet again.

It would seem so. I'm sorry, I don't remember you. I'm... I tend to stick in people's memory because of the fact that I'm a naked man. That didn't even register for me. It was that you were on the pub trivia team that kicked our asses.

I was naked then too, though. Yeah, but I'm above noticing that even. Okay, all right. I didn't even register. Really, I'm a pretty cool dude. I'm going to use the locks of light on him to see if he's telling the truth. Okay.

Because I feel like he noticed that I was a naked man. Okay, roll sexy. Yep. I got a... Just go right back to the sauna. It's a... Yes, I notice, and I like what you've done with your penis.

I just had it reconstructed after my death. I can tell it has that new penis sheen. Thank you for noticing. That's Emilio Estebiz's brother, isn't it? No, it's not. It's not. It's not, but that is funny. I liked that joke actually very much.

brother you must not steal all their attention we must fight them yes you're right sister let us fight them can we fight tomorrow it is almost sun up isn't it i'm just saying that i have a pretty cool thing i can do once a day but you must meet our army of undead oh shit ah and their watch starts beeping ah damn it Son up. Yeah, let's reschedule if we could for like a week. I can't do a week. I can't do a week.

You can't do a week? What are you doing like three weeks from now Tuesday? No, that's trivia. We tend to leave the end of August open. Yeah, we could do August. That works for us. August 19th? Yes.

I don't have my day planner on me. We could do August. 19th in the morning? Morning's good. How early? Not too early, God knows. Like 10.30? 1045-ish?

1045, yeah. 1045 is a minute. God, this is fascinating. Okay, we'll see you guys then. You return to the surface. I'm pretty chill about all that, I thought. Really understanding. And you find that the hedge wall is gone.

And you see before you, a crowd of Rangers, and wizards and other sexy citizens. But they aren't focused on you. They're faced away. Then one of them screams. Now they are all screaming, falling to their knees, pleading to the heavens.

And before your eyes, every ounce of sexiness drains from the citizens of new, new Arcaneum city. And a very unattractive laugh pierces your ears. With their crowd on their knees, you can see what they were looking at, or rather, who? Laughter, unattractively. It's a warlock, who you have only heard described in hush whispers. He is known as Burbo Scrawl, the unsexy, a title which has been rendered meaningless, considering that with the exception of you three, he is just absorbed.

all the sexiness in new, new arcaneum city. I hate this fucking guy. Hey, everybody. Welcome back. I hope you all had good bathrooms. Listen, before we start the second act, first I'm going to say thank you to the May Mandy Theater, where we are tonight. Thank you for having us.

It's beautiful. So kind. Let's say thank you to Paul. And I want to say thank you to Raleigh. This is a beautiful place, y'all. Yeah. May we come back? You have, I will say.

We've been all over this fine nation. Not all over. There's lots of states we still haven't been due. I think y'all got the best Alamo draft house I've been to. Whoa. It's a really good one. And there's a bakery like two doors down. It's like five bakeries and one.

They have busy cupcakes. Come on. We want to say thank you to Dana Wagner for one of the best posters we've ever had. And thank you to Rachel, our editor. Thank you to Tom, who did the video. Thank you to Amanda, our business manager, who hopes us put on these tours. Thank you to Rachel and Griffin's sons, both dabbing and non-dabbing. Both in the dabbing and non-dabbing varieties. And another thanks to Grant Howitt.

We just thought of Grand Howitt. Yeah, we wouldn't be able to do this without Grant Howitt making all of the funny games. Are you hearing cosplay? Yeah. So, Burbo Scrawl, the unsexy, now the most sexy. Sorry, Majesto. Whoa.

Yeah. I feel just normal now. You're still up there. I'm extremely sexy, but. not the sexy In a world of ones and nine is pretty good. It's, but

well I guess there are a lot of threes running around now, so it's not too bad. So, um, hi friend. Hail and well met. Are you talking to the unsexy thrall around you or to Christ no.

I'm talking to Burbo Scruggs. Burbo Scrawls. Burbo scrawl. Burbo scrawl. Do we know Burbo Burbo Scrawl. You've heard whispered, you know, myths of an unsexy

warlock, but the idea of such. Yeah. Unbelievable. Unthinkable, yeah. But he's sexy now, right? So sexy. Cool. He looks now like if Peter, Pascal, and Oscar Isaacs, and one of the great fairies from a Zelda game

had a baby. Cool. Yeah. Travis is like Spider-Man trying to pull two kinks together with all of his strength. We can do it! God, hung in there! Hell and well met. Gumb-gum.

Gunga. Burb-O-scraw. I know what his name is. I'm trying to make him... Oh, you're nagging him. A little bit, yeah. I feel the dearest desire to impress you. Got a little reel there for a second.

And right back at you, but what am I saying? I'm being so silly right now. Begandil. Yes, and I appreciate you saying it right. I've heard everything about you. Oh, probably not everything. He means butt. What stuff?

Am I right? I don't know he won't tell me either. The stuff with the butt. What, but? The butt stuff that you do. Who do you do? Do what? The power of the butt stuff.

I'll give you a moment to talk to your dad. Oh yeah, he's our dad by the... Wait, canonically. He's Gandalf of my dad. Gandalf. As I said Gandalf, I just got an accent. Wow, that's a longer than I thought, eh? Oh, so it's two T's.

Okay. Burbo, stay right there for a second. I already fucking did it today, didn't I? Yes. No, no, this is, oh, no, it is still at the same day. Well, I believe if I, I'm a bit of a student of magic. It's a 24-hour period, not midnight to midnight kind of deal. You didn't sound that confident when you said that.

I've got a sexy, like, easiness, you know? A way of lying, yes. We are all picking up on that. Got to do a different spell. Listen, I've spent a lot of time on the fringes, not being welcome to society, and now I've got the sexiness of all. all of new, new Arcaneum city, save for three of the sexiest battle wizards they are.

So I'm just gonna need to steal y'all's sexiness. If I can say something, we should probably just do it. Because if everyone's threes and he's like a fucking 19, no one's gonna wanna hang out with him. Sorry, but I'm not going to put on clothes. And then I swing the void blade at Burbo Scroll. Okay.

The right void blade. There's a left one also. Oh, I thought you meant like the correct one. Well, it is the correct one because I am right-handed. Oh, okay. That's something I didn't say. Should we all state the handedness of our characters? Go ahead.

Don't say ambidextrous. That's bullshit. It's right. Yeah, Dad. Yeah, dad. Yeah, dad? I am left-handed. Thank you.

And right-handed. No? You said I couldn't say ambidextrous. I wear my crystal fist on my right hand, but I use my left hand to break little crystals off my crystal fists to throw them at people. Okay. So I guess I'm ambidextrous is what I'm saying. So why are we talking about this?

Oh, okay, that's me. Yeah. You started it. Okay, Justin, roll battle. How many battles do you have? Two. Okay, Burbo gets four. Four?

Why is Burbo rolling? He's the fucking sexiest? Okay, okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, I got a five. I got a six. Shit. You swing it?

He puts up one sexy wrist and it bounces off of his awesome leather bracelet. Can you describe the wrist? Yeah, it looks like this. He's got a pineapple on it. And he's got fucking some blue nail balls. She looks so good. Like he works out.

at least twice a week. Okay, I am going to summon... Burbo Scrawl is an anagram of Travis McElroy. You're going to Kaiser Sousa at the end. I am going to summon turtles from the sewer. I'm sorry, Dad, I did establish turtles don't exist. That's why it's going to be so fucked up when he has it. Hey, Dad, you can still do it?

It's challenging as hell. I have a great gag. It's going to be great. Everybody, buckle in. My dad has a great gag. About sewer turtles? About turtles who have been mutated and living in a sewer. I know what you're thinking.

Let him cook. Let him cook. There's no way he's just going to name four other artists. All right, go ahead, Dad. Go ahead, Dan. I just stomped with laughter under the table and I got... He just crushed my toe. Are you okay?

Almost as bad as Justin crushed my heart. Oh, no. He's fine. The Four Turtle's names are Vincent, Pablo, Salvador, and Frida. You're better than this. No, I really don't. Not you, them.

Apparently, they're not either. Thank you for being on my level. So I roll three for Wizard? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Yeah? Okay.

That's been the... No, that's the case. He's got three wizards, one battle too sexy. Okay. You just said it with a question mark. So, no one's running. Holy shit. Two sixes.

Two sixes? Two sixes. Okay. Now, you have to roll two sevens to beat it. No? Wait, let me check. I'm sitting in a table while my chair. Yeah.

You guys are sitting in a table that are shared. Okay. What happens, GM? So the Four Turtles appear. Is it fucking hysterically funny? It's actually horrifying. Oh no. Yeah, they didn't mutate evenly.

Father! Why? It's just two big legs coming out of a normal-sized turtle body and head and arms. One of them has big arms dragging along. That's Vincent. One of them has a big head that's just stuck on the ground.

That's Pablo. That's Pablo. and Frida looks pretty normal. Yeah, except for the mustache. Except for Clint McElroy. It's a unibrow. All right, sorry. Go to the fucking sewers.

That's a command. That's a command. Roll. Okay, so the four of them show up. It's pretty good. Okay, what do they do? Geez. He just had the one joke, Travis.

Don't make him make another joke. No, they use. So the four. show up and they're like, hey man. No, they yell, uh, they yell, Calabonga. Goalaga father. Carabaga!

Father love turtles. Witness me. Turtles earn fathers love. With their shells. They run backwards and slam into him with their shells. They're slamming their bodies in. You say run backwards. That's generous.

They're mutated. Yeah, there's, again, cardinal directions do not necessarily apply to these mutations. They move in their own special way. In their own incredible ways. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're mutated. You've seen the cartoon.

Cartoon? Never mind. Yeah. They move in their own special ways. Yeah. Backwards and bonged together. Yeah. And they're going to hit burbo scrawl.

What could the number possibly mean? Two stress. Wow. What kind of stress? It actually says... Sexy stress. It says here on the sheet that when when bootleg Teenage Mutant Ninja

Turtles attack your MPC, roll one dice, and then that's how much damage that it takes when they balk you with the shell. Yeah, I'm going to say... Teenage Mutant what? All right. We're 46. All right.

It's embarrassment stress. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Burba Scroll pulls bricks from the surrounding buildings. and they start hurling themselves towards each of you. Yeah, so there's the six.

So each of you is going to get hit with three bricks. Unless. You can roll battle to avoid them. Yeah, and I do. I just catch one with my crystal fists. Well, roll it. I got two force. I got a six.

Okay. Gandov avoids. I don't just avoid. I catch it in a six. sexy way. Yeah. That's exactly how you do it. Can I do sexy? Nope. That's for sure. Oh, boy, I really can't. That's a two. And what did you get Majesto? Four. Yeah, so you each take a stress from getting hit. What's your stress level at, Dan? Zero. One. Wow. Yeah, you all went to a cell. That's right, that's right. That's right. Now listen. Give me your sexiness. And he lays on the sexy hard. And then he

I need you all to resist with your own sexy role. Oh, but wait. All of my sexiness, according to my literal character sheet. Gandalf? He puts one like under your chin and holds him like, give me a sexiness. Can I explain? On my sheet it says, why are you so sexy?

And then it says majestic hair and beard. And it looks like you took those off, huh? So I'll roll one. Yeah. Two is the number. Is it two? Dan? Um,

whole row two. Yes. A six. Majesto. Get your thinking paws off me, you damn, gay. You can also spend to remember your determination

to roll an extra day. Yeah, uh, one five is my highest. Okay. Hey, Gandalf. Yes. You work for me now. Uh, I, I, you work for me now. And I command you to attack those other sexy wizards.

Anything you say, boss. You're up, my man. I'm gonna flex so hard that he can't compel my body to do anything. Gandalf. Oh, I was trying to summon a meteor to fall down on you. Gandalf, one more time. It's a 24-hour period, my man. Roll?

What's the one do you do? He can't do a meteor. There's other. their spells. No, he flips you off so hard. He's attacking us. Don't remind him. He flips you off so hard.

Roll sexy against it to flex against his painful flipping off. Oh my God. Out of three. That's your highest? Out of three. But then I dig deep down in my determination. Yeah, yeah. And I remember the last time that I failed whiffing somebody with a pillow.

And you died. And I died from it. From it being so hard and bad. and it doesn't help at all. I learned nothing from that experience. He flips you out so hard, you go flying backwards. Oh, no.

And you take one stress and one determination. Hold on, it's not even done yet. It does more stuff, hold on. And then a phoenix comes out of it. Cool. It's the bird. And while you're knocked down, Majestia, So Burbo comes over and he puts his hand on your forehead and an attempt to drain your sexiness.

The stakes who never... I summoned sleeve. No. Hold on. As he's doing it, you feel socks forming on your feet. They grow long. And then what's that? Shorts.

Oh. As he's pulling. There's nothing I can do. He's taken everything. for me. I have two swords. That'll never stop him. Two separate swords? You absolute puts. All right. I'm sorry, Dad.

Wait, wait a minute. Not you. Shut up, Clint. You said that you would... Hold on, partner. One of them's not going. Wait a minute. I thought they were two separate swords. No, it's... Oh, it's one. It locks in. Shit, that's cool as fuck.

It's cool, right? You get that of KB toys or what? No, Amazon. Hold on, one of them's flashing now. I got it from some Amazon's. Cool, man. Now what do you do? Well, here's the thing, Trave.

Oh, that traded places. No, no, no. I lost it. Now I'm just regular sexy. My sexiness is now a two, and my battles are three. Roll battle. Hold on. For my grand transformation,

For my magical girl transformation, Hey, Griffin, I can't hear you. And Justin rolled two extra because Griffin bitched about it. That's a six? Oh, yeah. You chop one of his toes off. One of the good ones, though. Yeah, man, one of the balanced ones.

And he's like, whoa. And you know what's not sexy? I don't know. It's a witch piggy. Which piggy, Justin, do you want to take? The one that goes wee, we, we all the way home. Damn, bro. That's cold.

Yeah, man. And he's like, no, my wee, we, we piggy. I got to think about some stuff. Just go to the spa. You can grow anything back at the spa. I promise myself I'd never go back there. Oh, it's great, though. Have you scoped his new hog?

Yeah. I love the way. Oh, hey, bad news about that. You're styling his face. Because I fuse the two stores together. Now it's just regular and dumb. I meant to update you guys about that. I don't have clothes, but it's just a regular dumb hog now.

Some people prefer a regular dumb hog. No, not this kind. This is really unsharming, though. Just a really, just round of the mill. Boring hog. Boring hog. Right over the plate. Yeah.

Now I see how you guys get when I talk about sex. Yeah, Clint. And hey, I'm so glad. I am hoarse on my own partard. We can all reveal that this is dad's intervention. We've invited you all. Listen, we care about you a lot. So you chop off his piggy and he stumbles backwards.

I didn't get it before. Yeah. He stumbles backward. One piggy down. Nine piggies to go. Wait, what? No, that's not how we're doing this. Gandalf?

I summoned Slees. Okay. Roll. Someone Slees. Who's going to attack? No, you got to roll first. Grito. Okay.

Burbo scroll. Burbo. Bo the Scroll. Kit Fisto. Wait a minute. Kit Fisto would be a good sexy world wizard name. It's a Star Wars name. No, I know.

Okay. That is salacious crumb is also a sexy... Jiz. They listen to Jizz music. Yes. That's also what they listen to here. Sorry. As we continue to talk about Star Wars, I feel like our

T.T.J or Time 2 Jee, Jee, has gotten shorter and shorter with every Star Wars discussion. It's now become sort of a race to see who can say JIS first. Star Wars Jiz fastest, yeah. In the bit. Five.

You summon Slees who attacks with all his turtidity. Well, Clint, it's past sunrise. Oh no. What did you just summon? They all died at sunrise. Remember? That's why we had to take a break.

Yeah. But with the power of your love. Hold on, I have to squish my little guys every time. This isn't fucking fair. I have to squish my little guys every time. Slease is kind of back. Father! Oh, no.

Get him, Dr. Morrow. Listen, I want you to run over there. Yes. In your dying moment. What? Yeah, I'm, hey, listen. Oh, man. I'm just being open and honest.

You're just, you're going to talk. Couch it a little bit. You're going to die. Lead up to it, my man. This is the third time this cat has died. He's not used to it by now. No, each time I think, this little stick. You were alive, then you were dead, then you were undead, and then you were un-undead,

and now you're going to be un-un-dead. Oh, I was undead, and then I was re-dead. Get it, right. Okay, you're going to be un-redead. Okay. So what I want you to do. is I want you to run straight at that guy. And I want you to die.

The sexy one? The real sexy one. Oh, yeah. I want you to die in the most disturbing man possible. Oh, God. To really throw off his sexiness. I want you to be so nasty and awful in front of him that there's no way he can be as sexy as he was.

Can I tell you right now, Clinton? Am I brothers? You very proud of me? No. There's so many horrible ways to die. going through my brain and each one of them is like, don't do that. Okay, how's this?

It's so bad. I want him to go. I want him to run up. I want him to reach up and pull himself inside out. I'm a litch, man. I'm a litch. What do you want? What is, right, but what is Clint?

Is the question that I'm left with. How did you get there? I don't know. I just thought that would really, if somebody's really thinking they're sexy, watching somebody pull themselves inside out. No, yeah, for sure, for sure. That's going to take them all.

their game pretty much. As trauma go, that one's going to be pretty insignificant.

You know what? You know what? He runs over and he begins to attempt to pull himself inside out. That'll be even

as disturbing. Yeah, no, no, no. What possible stat could this be to roll? Hey, we don't

have to roll, Griffin. I'm going to tell you what happens. It works about 15%. That's the

worst possible amount of percent that it could have gone. And he doesn't give up. And he just keeps making eye contact with you, Lynch, and saying, for you, Father! For you! And pulling harder. And it gets to

16? 17. Can we stop him, please? Because we're also seeing this. 18. Look away. 19. Look away. 18. Again. You're doing so good. I am so proud of you. For you, Father.

I love you. my little sturgeon sleeves. 28%. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. I cut him in half. And you know what?

Gandalf, it breaks the hold over you. It's very upsetting. Sure. Now that it's broken, I remember. Six. I get a six on my bow. Yeah, you cut him in half. Both halves pull themselves inside out.

I snap back to it and instantly remember. back to reality. Oop, oh. There goes sleese. And he's, oh, inside out. And oh. I remember all of my training of 20,000 years.

Yeah. Across the many galaxies, just learning my craft. And I think of one of the oldest wizard tricks in the book, which is a vanishing act. And I look at butt-scrog. Burbo-scrug. Flattens-Brug. Flattens-rug. Burbo Scrugs.

Burbo Scrawl. Burbo scrawl. And I look at his butt, and I snap my fingers and make his butt disappear. And I shout, you shall not ass. Yeah, you don't have to roll. That happens. That works. Hey, everybody, come look at this guy with no ass.

What? No, I haven't. I hadn't. Not in those jeans. Wait, oh, no, don't say that. It's my best pair. They fit so good. Oh, no. I should be clear. His, the middle of him is now gone. Oh. Well, you said ass.

Yeah, sure. That's the back half of the middle. No, no, I don't mean that, sorry, I don't mean that I've made his butt become flatter. Like, that's like some people like that. I'm saying that his butt disappeared. his butt disappears. But not just invisible. It's not invisible.

No, no, no, it disappears. And there's... No, disappear. You mean it goes away? It is destroyed. Sorry, I guess I'll phrase it a different way. His ass is destroyed. Okay.

His ass is annihilated. Griffith annihilated his ass. Yeah. Gandal. Wait, excuse me. And there is some, definitely, there is some load-bearing stuff in the human body.

Yeah. Okay, cool. I just want to make sure we're on the same. page. So you turned his legs into assless chap. No. No? No? You turned him into an assless chap. Into an abless chap. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

His ass goes away. Yeah. Wait, quick clarification, did it ever exist? Has he wiped it from the timeline or just from this reality? Griffin? Yeah. This is where I'll have you roll magic to see how gone it is. Six? Yeah. So, his ass is so gone. How gone is it? Thank you.

Even when he reforms, he'll have no ass. Oh, shit. Yeah. That part will be back, just flat. He'll figure it out. Yeah. That's his journey. Hey, I, I think we won. Yeah, so he, uh, his asses,

beers, foam. He drops. One ass word. About 18 inches. I've measured. 18 inches? Wow. That seems like a lot.

That's a foot and a half. A foot and a half a butt? That feels like 12 max. I don't think a human buddy. Okay, anyway, sorry. So he drops a butt's worth. One butt's worth. Oh, wait a minute.

Butt stuff. Clint. Turn his microphone off. Now I did it. He knows too much. He drops to one butt's worth and says, Not again, which is very enigmatic. Yeah.

Oh. Stay tuned for the second episode. It's a prequel. And he evaporates and all the sexiness becomes aerated and spreads back to the citizen. No, I just run through the cloud like, come on, we've earned this. Yeah, you know what?

You each come out one sexiness more. I'm not, then I'm not done. Okay, roll. Roll sexiness. You got two now. It might be too much for you. It's a one and a two. It's too much.

It's too much for Gandalf. He passes out. Turgian. I got three. A six. Yeah, it works for you. You still, no. Hey, everybody, thank you so much.

Our dad showed his nipples, everyone. So that's the end of the game. As he's always our rule. You over coming out. I got a six. I got a six. Yeah. Take yours all.

Hey, bye. Bye.