The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Bone - LIVE in COLUMBUS

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

Live from Columbus, OH, it's the Adventure Bone! The skeletons of adventurers Melosa, Charn Kickbucket, and Mortimax are reanimated so that they can once again put a stop to an ancient beast. Can they defeat the dragon Slagathor while keeping all of their body parts?We’re playing Adventure Skeletons by Grant Howitt and Chris Taylor: https://rowanrookanddecard.com/product/adventure-skeletons/Addition music in this episode: "Camille Saint-Saëns: Danse Macabre" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Welcome to the Adventure Bone. I'm going to be your Dungeon Master. Seconds before we walked on stage, Dad looked at the three of us and said, I just hit myself in the back of the head with my axe. Are you okay? What? All right.

Oh, no, now he's going to be bad at playing. What if he suddenly got very competent? Yeah, I'm awesome. Oh, by the way, I should mention. We were playing a game system called Adventure Skeletons. It was created by Grant Howitt and Chris Taylor. And basically, their skeletons, and when they get hit, they might lose body parts.

Let's introduce our characters and how they died. So let's start, Justin, let's start with you. My name is Melosa. I'm a Haldonian Warbriad. And I died because I thought a well was a toilet. And the bad, the worst part is, so did a lot of other people I found out at the bottom. It was a rough way to go.

Just dying of thirst. Oh, so it wasn't it? From the fall? What? Wasn't from the fall? No, it was a slow one. All right, Clint. Hello, I'm Chon Kickbockets.

The first, I swear to God, you're making some sort of noise in the first part of the name that makes it indecipherable to me. Chon. Charn. Well, Tron? Charles Arnold. but he shortened it to charm. Then where does kickbucket come in? Oh, that's an affectation.

Okay, cool. That's his stage name. Yeah. Usually when you have like a pseudonym in a name, it doesn't go at the very end of it. It usually comes in the middle. Or usually there's a the, right? It's like Charon of the Kickbucket.

It's Kickbucket. Chon Kickbucket. Cool. Did you hear? That was a cool way to say it. Fuck, yeah. A lot of anticipation built in. And, uh, Charn is, uh, an executioner of gods.

He, he, he doesn't quite decided if he's, he executes gods or if he works for gods executing people. Why not both? Well, he's found that that works to his advantage. Yeah. And how did, uh, Charon kick bucket die? Uh, hoof and mouth disease. Oh, bummer.

Yeah, his, uh, his horse kicked him in the mouth. And, uh, and we're right out the back of his best in the business. That was ugly. And Griffin McElroy. I haven't worked out a voice. Do you guys usually do that backstage before we come on? I'll tell you what I do. I don't.

As the sound is going from my chest to my mouth, I just kind of let it roll and see what comes out. I am Mortimax. I am Mortimax, master of death's domain. Do you have another one? No, that's it. I like that. I'm Mortimerax Master of Death Domain.

I was a necromancer in life. But a heroic one who still did some good... If you take a look at the whole picture... Yeah. And how did Mortimerick's perish? He lost a bet to see if he could animate his own skeleton. That's awkward. Yeah, you hate that.

But innovative, if it had worked. Sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It got the schools of necromancy talking. Yeah. It's like when Edison electric you did that elephant. Flocked up.

Fucked up. But move the needle. Yeah. We learned a lot about elephants and electricity in that little science experiment. And how they don't work together. Nope. Bad mix. The more you know.

Well. In life, the three of you belonged to a truly epic heroic party known throughout the lands. You first started building your reputation when you defeated the draconic demon slagathorn. And from that point forward, you were the talk of the land. Kings, rulers, emperors, everyone sought your help whenever an issue arose. But that was 100 years ago. And time has passed, and so have you. You're quite dead.

Oh. But now you're undead. You rise from your graves as creaking, clanking skeletons. Clanking? Yeah, you got some armor left over. Your weapons are with you. It's been a hundred years since your demise. The world has changed.

But standing before you is someone you at least recognize the vibe of, the magic of, a necromancer. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back, adventurers. Wait, can we have a second to talk to each other? It's so wonderful, John, to see you in the flesh, Mortimerbacks. Mortimericks, what a pleasure? Morty, what's wrong? Morty, what is it?

I'm all bones. Like, I've done this to so many. The voice is turning kind of into Fosier. I asked if you had another one. Earlier you were alive, now you're dead. Yeah, this is my dead voice. I mean, yeah, without a larynx, it's going to be quite different. I've done this to so many skeletons, but, boy, seeing how the other half lives, it's scary stuff.

Yeah, paybacks are hell. Yeah, how is the work? Is it a well-done job? Well, let me check. He's dancing, if you're listening to this later. He's doing a fun skeleton dance. This is exemplary work. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I am, especially compared to Mortimax,

but a fledgling necromancer, but I am thrilled that my work was, where's the, hold on. Oh, there. Could you pick up Fad, please, Thad Lemais, and you see that there's like a goblin skull. Is there an actual prop? No, okay.

There's a goblin skull kind of bouncing next to you. Like, yes, if you guys would paint me up, that would be, yes. A little help. and it's one of your other team members. Thad Lemay asks the Whisper, who was the rogue of your group, but now he is just a skull next to you.

Thad, where's the rest of your bones, partner? That's a great question. My body was separated from my head. Now, here's a, I've been debating this in the afterlife for a while now. Is it still beheading if the monster bites your body off and your head? Oh, your head is outside.

This was not one of mine. No, no trial. Oh, all right. Then go ahead with their story. But anyways, my body got bit off. Oh. Do you think, well, this is another interesting question I've never thought of until this very moment, which is appalling. But is there just a skeleton body that is also out there walking around with your personality, but no way to speak?

I'm just saying, where's the skeleton live? But this is ghoulish. Certainly you didn't bring us back to life. to freak each other out so bad. No, and I'm sorry I was unable to bring the rest of your party back. Of course, glorious F from

the Paladin and Miami Sound Machine. And Miami Sound Machine and Leaf Step Root Walker I was unable to bring them back. I'm glad because I couldn't stand them. Kind of hog in the limelight. A freeway split goes down

much more smooth. I bet you're super curious as to why I couldn't bring back though, right? That was my next question. Well, glorious Ephraim, being a paladin, ascended straight to heaven. Skipped right over the death thing. Nobody, nothing, got on a big chariot straight to the sky. Well, then where was I? That sounds, oh no. Oh, beans. I wondered why you all were there. Yes. Even though I've, I've worshipped the one true God,

Aldonia. Yes. And I, Fat, Lamaeus, was also in heaven. It ruled. I'll tell you guys about it sometime. You came back? Yeah, not my choice. Oh, right. Hold me back from there. This is torture. Sorry.

Every second here. And of course, Leaf Step, the druid wild shaped into a hawk and stayed in that form too long. She lost holds. Oh. She hasn't been seen since.

Oh, God, here she comes. Oh, right. No, that's not her. That's a different hawk. But I've brought you back for a reason. My friend was just attacked by a random hawk. That was crazy. That will happen as bones, anything that goes for carrying and stuff.

Do I have to roll for damage? No. Oh, God, thank you. But as to the reason I've brought you back. Yes, Master, what is it? No, you don't have to say, Master. It's a courtesy alien necromancer would extend to another. Okay.

Well, I've been saying, studying the signs or the portents, the omens. Yes. Slagathorn is returning. I told you all. No. I told you all. You were like, we killed Slagathor and then I revived a dead squirrel by the side of the road.

Like, look, anything can come back. And you were like, not Slagathorn is way too big. To be fair, that happened in group. Yes. And so, you know, we don't usually share. You're right. We're part of a support group for people with embarrassing deaths. E.D.

E.D. That's what it is. No notes. That's what we decided to call it. Mack, you were so fast on that, man. And it was, that was a hard-earned speed. And I, good for you, man. Good for you.

You've had to fight for that reference. And I'm proud of you. Please, let's talk about anything else. What is it? What is your bidding, master? Oh, I, I knew that I would not be able to defeat Slagathorn myself. I'm not nearly powerful enough, but the heroes of legend, the ones who defeated him in the before times, I knew you would be powerful, so I've brought you back,

so that you can defeat Slagathorn. Hmm. I was much younger and more alive then. Mm-hmm. And it obviously didn't stick. I mean, it's pretty good. Century, pretty good. Okay, no bad.

All right. Wow, that's amazing. Can I talk to you for a moment, a sidebar? Sure. Okay. Hey, not for nothing, but you might want to think of going a bit with a firmer touch. Real necromancy is social engineering as well.

You can't just bend to our every demand or inquiry. Oh, sorry. So it's been a century and times have changed. Social norms are quite different now, the relationship, between necromancer and raised is quite different. This guy sounds like a real poog. Oh, I'm sorry. Do we not say poohue anymore?

This is, oh. You know what? I'm going to chalk it up to generational differences. They didn't know any better. And where is the nearest cocaine store? We've still got those Oh, thank goodness And cocaine, better than ever

We have made some huge steps Wow It was already so great Yeah, it comes in drink form now We mixed it with the cola bean Oh, cocaine zero Paul Paul, dad wants a cocaine

Paul, get my father some cocaine Bring him the funny powder Dad, that was a fucking all-timer, my man. That was a really good joke. Speaking of times changing, there is other complications to deal with. In the intervening century, there's been some development

on the land of Slagathoran's domain where he will be raising. He's now who resort for the rich and powerful, full of humans, And even though it's lots change, humans still not wild about Skellingtons. Just, sorry, I'm being struck with so many sort of existentially dreadful questions in the last, like, two minutes. And it's taking everything by power not to just ask them of you immediately, but is our legacy preserved? Are we still considered heroes?

Oh, yeah, still spoken of. Still heroes, maybe not recognizable as you are so much. Me, maybe. Yeah, in the right line. I have a very distinctive voice. That keeps changing. That's what's so distinctive about it, the fluid nature. Yes.

Can't pin that voice down. So you'll need to get in there, get past the humans, however, and get and stop slagathon. Because if he feasts on those humans, his power will grow and grow until he is unstoppable. Then I assume if they get in our way, we are allowed to use our massive weapons and our... I'm not going to tell the heroes of legends how to do their job. Good, good. I mean, because the humans, collateral damage, right?

If you need to get in there and kill those rich folk, you do it. Master, usually, typically in this situation, it is not up to the undead thrall to brainstorm up the plan. So you don't have any sort of guidance for us? Oh, my plan was bring back heroes of epic legends. And I love that part. That's good, yes. Is there anything that we get out of this? Your heroes!

You get the glory, knowing you've done the right thing, knowing you've helped. There was usually still a bit of coin. And maybe you'd earn your way into heaven. Oh. I would love to go to Christian heaven. You mean your words, not mine. Listen. No, I've heard.

Well, listen, that was my backup to Haldonia. Haldonia was Busto. I understand that now. But next time I'm going with the Lion of Judea himself, Jesus Christ. Melosa. Your powers, Melosa. The divine in nature. Don't blaspheme.

You're right. You're right. I'll stick with Haldonia, at least for another hundred years. We'll see how it works. Although I hear Jesus' power. are just as potent. Oh, if you want to rip phone books in a ass. Yes. All right.

Yes, if you want a yo-yo real good, rip phone books in half. That joke was just for you, person in the front row that enjoyed it very much. That power team reference went right into their heart. Unfortunately, I cannot accompany you.

I don't remember asking. No, I don't think we did. And if I, also, does Thad have to accompany us? Yes, of course. He's your rogue. Yeah, don't forget about me. I'm your rogue. No, of course, that. No, of course, not, Thad. Can't wait to see his sleight of hand when he doesn't have one. All right, Thad.

Rood. Hop aboard of one of these two. Yeah, Thad hops up and bites down on your belt. He's hanging from your belt now, Dad. Master. No, no, please. Call me by my... It's so rude of me.

You don't have to call me Master. Call me by my name. Oh, don't give me your name. will give me power over you. A lot has changed in the last hundred years. Rumble-stil'd skin. No. No, I am the proud necromancer, Boner Mage 420.

That's... Are you... I think I follow you on an Instagram. He probably came up with that first and then worked backwards. And created the whole game. Are you the grandchild of Boner Mage 418? Yes, I am.

I so hoped that I would live to see your birth. The prophesied one. Boner Mage 420. Oh, sorry, it's a boner with a zero instead of an O. I think you might be thinking of a different boner mage. For a 20 thing, chosen one. The undead thrall of the chosen one. What a come up.

All right. All right, let's get killing those humans. That's That's up to you It should be up to you, though master Can we talk Can we have a moment? Sure, I'm going to remove myself in the situation

And let you work I'm going to let you cook and just stay out of your way Let them cook, yeah, let's go Hey, travel well fight true brave heroes Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye, boner maid 420

He said my name Okay. All right, so I'm not sure how we're going to be able to follow all of the tenets of a group and still focus off.

What's to say what you're worried about? Because you've made a lot of wonderful progress. Where are you worried we'll slip? I'm worried that the whole slaying all the humans I can read in your eyes that you two react in kind of a negative way and I'm feeling

We are renowned heroes of the realm. I know, I know. How about we make this deal? No killing humans. Yes. Eight, okay, eight max. Can I get you down to three? You only want...

Okay, seven humans. How do you feel about that? Mortimerick, seven? Seven? Seven will do. All right. Collateral, though, right? Yeah, I'll hit him in the collateral.

I'll hit him in the scapula. I'll hit him in the vertebra. On fucking fire, Clayton. Well, that's two. He's heating up. He's heating up. Wait a way to you hear me after I get my cocaine zero. That's it.

We're paying him for this one. That's right. Okay, let's plan as we make our way to this resort. To Prosperity Cove. Okay, then. That's the name of it. Okay. Yeah, Boner Mage leads again.

It's called Prosperity Cove. Now, bye. Bye, yes. This is why I said it was weird you were leaving. He's gone. Gosh, dang. Is there anybody from the Saffak? Well, they're not going to want to talk to me.

I'm a skeleton. Well, as you approach Prosperity Cove, you do see the groundskeeper shack on the outskirts. of the resort. Shack is the groundskeeper? I'm worried that like a phoenix, he's burning bright just before the end. Yeah. How do you feel otherwise, Dad?

Stay with us. I feel good. I'll let other people play. All right. That's always in the adventure's own problem. Dad's just too good. What's the, What's security like here?

So the groundskeeper is pretty removed, but past that you see a lot of like magical torchlights and some guards around. This is a pretty bougie place, and it is staff with security guards. Okay. So they would see, is it daytime, nighttime? No, it is the evening, yeah. It is the evening, okay. Let's say dusk. Dusk, I love that.

No one's quite sure when that is. No. So I had a little trick I would do with skeletons, where if I needed to sneak them in somewhere, you can throw them one bone at a time. So that sounds, would you do one of us at a time, or would we all go at the same time? Because I'm worried about mix-muffs.

Well, they'd take a riddle, isn't it? Because you'd have to throw some of one of the people who got over back to the first person. The oldest riddle in the book. Now, the groundskeeper area is on your side of the security, right? It is separated out. so you could access that. This is a fucking trap

and you are not going to catch us in your snare, sir. Wait, is it that? I'm going to peer in the window of the shack that's there. You see a sitting by the fire a gentleman with a big,

big bushy beard. A great big bushy beard. Every time. But you also see hanging on the wall next to the fireplace several different like groundskeeping jumpsuits of different sizes.

Any of them, skeleton-shaped? I mean, in that, skeletons are basically person-shaped. Yes. Is the groundskeeper in there? He's the one with the big bushy beard from 15 seconds ago. Is he human?

Well, hold on. I meant like living things. I didn't specifically mean we should terminate one of the fantasy races in particular in this world. It's a different time. Oh, you're right, you're right, sorry. I'm going to knock on the door.

Okay. Knock, knock. And he opens the door. Oh, hey, how's it going? You're pretty cool, huh? This would scare a lot of other people. Oh, I've got no beef with skeletons. We ain't got no beef either.

No, I have no issue. to come in and warm your bones by the fire. I see, here you. I know, what do you mean? That's a good one. I would love to. Is there room? Yes, there's plenty of room come.

Join me. Now, the name's keepsy the groundskeeper. Sorry, one more time. Keepsie. Keepsie the groundskeeper. Keepsie the groundskeeper. Oh, I know why you're always so busy. I call Travis.

I say, hey, you want to play Halo? He says, no, I've got a lot of naming to do. I don't know this, this Travis. but come in. We need to access the premises for heroic endeavors. May we steal your jumpsuits? It's a lot to drop on me

before you've even come inside. I'm inside. Okay. I'm inside, too. I assume that we could, we didn't all have to say I'm inside. Griffin. Yes.

Mortimer Max's background is elf, right? Yes, plus one to speaking and moving. Okay, give me... give me a D10 roll. You got it. And you're going to get plus one for speaking. Yes, I found it. And you still have all of your body parts.

Cool. All right, I got a five total. I got a four. I don't know. Come in, come in. What heroic deeds do you need, son? Well, we noticed that you have quite a bit of brush. and foliage?

That means cleared? That's insulting, sir. I am a top-notch-grown keeper like my father before me and his brother before him. I know, but everybody could... How do you know? You're one person, even if you are Shaq.

You're just one. Ah, but I'm the height of one and a half people. Okay. Just volunteer to help. We could maybe, you know, wear some of these lovely coveralls. We pay people for the... their work these days. No volunteers.

Jesus Christ, this is going to be a whole thing, isn't it? Hold on. Will you please teach us about sort of society as it stands today? Yeah, there's a... We're going to have a long day, if not. Completely

showing our asses. There's a jump cut of 45 minutes. And you got it. Wow. Oh. That makes a lot of sense. I wish I was still dead. Where did we go wrong? I didn't start with anything.

Listen, I'm making this up on the spot. The dragon lord returneth. And we must stop that from happening. And when's that going to happen? Pretty soon. Oh, beans. Our beans indeed. And where?

Underground. Oh, under this ground. Oh. At first it wasn't so bad, but then he specified. Yes. Under your grounds. What? I know.

They're not going to... Now I own it! There's not going to be much for you to tend once... I'm not a grounds tender. Let's be clear. There won't be much for you to keep. What? Now you're speaking my language.

What kind of flowers are those outside? Begonias. Begonias, the dragon loves to eat specific. Bigonians. Not my gonies. Yes. They're my babies. Not for long if you don't give us those jumpsuits.

I'm gonna just start physically taking the jumps. I'm just skipping them up. No, listen. I'm convinced now, yes. You must be cool about this. Do you have any stuffings we can jam in there? Because otherwise it's gonna be pretty obvious. We're skeletons and jumpsuits.

Okay, give me another D-10 roll. 10. Oh, I don't have much. I don't have much, but you can take all of my bed roll and my pillows and these throw pillows and I was working on knitting this blanket. You can take that and I got a bunch of yarn. You could take, do you need a hat? Everything new God, partner. All right. You're stuffed up with lumpy pillows and quilt. As we leave the shack, I lean into it and I say, you know, you're the real hero. Then I wink, and then I go,

Oh, fuck, I can't do that anymore. Anyway, bye. How did you do that? Your whole skull just collapsed. Oh, shit. Worth it. Yeah, even Thad Lemaeus has a little hat on now. A little, let's snap back out.

I forgot all about you, partner. Yes. Oh, okay. I can try and mount you on my shoulder if you. People might notice that one. Yeah, he won't notice him hanging off my belt. Which do you think would be weirder, charn? Me sitting on someone's shoulder

or just a skull hanging off a bow. Man, it's been a hundred years, but it's still fantasy dies. I am an executioner who cut off people's heads, so I think maybe that would be right down. And you love talking about that. A perk of the job. It's a perk of the job, if anyone asks. It's challenging sometimes to be your friend.

I want to take a moment to recognize the honesty and vulnerability you just showed their mortar max. That must have not been easy. That's true. Sean, is there anything you'd like to say to Mortimerax? I appreciate your candor and I will strive to make you like me

even more. I'm pretty sure that's not the goal of this whole thing. Hey, Dad, have you never been in therapy before? Because rarely the therapist is like, you should work harder to make people like you. You're not winning. Get out of here. How many friends do you have? Nope, not enough.

Make more. Bye! That'll be $200. I just hope it wasn't too hard to hear. No. I wasn't, I didn't have your feelings in mind. I know, but it's all right. Wait, we don't have brains. How are we generating these thoughts? Listen, we can't get into that.

I'm totally freaked out, though. Oh, we got to move the story along. Here we go. Moving on. You approach security. Now all stuffed up and dressed as groundskeepers. Do we have groundskeepers? Helmets, too?

You have snapback cabs. Perfect. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't. That wouldn't raise any red flags for me if I saw that in my day to day. I want to, as we're approaching, I want to grab my disc sunsinger and throw it over the hedges to give them a cool trim. Okay, now here's the problem. There's no problems. It has been a hundred years. Yeah. Your weapons have dulled immensely. No. Let him do it. Let him do it. Let him cook. You shouldn't tell me that until I roll. Maybe it's a very good roll. Roll. It's a good roll, and it's fine. That's a D-10.

Oh no, these are pretty slippery. Yeah, I'm having a lot of trouble. Mine have LEDs in them, which makes this just, let me help you. They feel like dice. Roll them bones. Nine. Damn, it's pretty good. And you are an org.

Would you do the plus one to hitting? Caldonian Warbred. Yeah, Aldonians get plus one to hitting. Yeah, good. So that's 11. Now, hold on. Ten. Sorry.

Opa. Hey, a lot's changed. in a hundred years. You guys are doing common core now. I don't get it. Yeah, listen, it's not a clean trim, right? It's not like razor sharp, but you throw it hard enough

that it cuts through like a pretty big branch of like, here's what sucks. It was a fully like topiary shaped tree with like three balls. You just chop the top one clean off. Chopped off one of its... Trap, dad. topiary

where did you go just now just happened to me Griffin just short-circuited for a minute I have done that to my own sons once or twice I've never done it to both my brothers and my dad I've never done three of those in one kind of chunk that was terrifying

I've done it before where I've called my kids by my dog's name oh boy you hate to hear it okay but yes it is it is gives off definitely the vibe of some landscaping prowess. Why did you do that? It was to support our story

that you're about to weave. Weave away. Weaver? Weave. What do you want me to do with that? I want you to save the security guard's life by telling him a story. This energy sucks!

You brought it up. I approached the security guard, one of them. Hey, dear. He's just isolated. Oh, yeah. You mean Lonely Steve. Hello.

His name tag doesn't say that. It just says Steve, but in your head you go ahead and fill it in. That's Lonely, Steve. Yeah. But Griffin doesn't know. Steve actually has many friends. It's not at work.

He keeps his work life and his personal life separate. It's fine, guys. Don't worry about Steve. He's doing great. What is your name? Lonely Steve. Why they got your working all the way over here? a lonely steal.

You know, they're not crazy, but I'm in politics. Oh. We just learned all about that. Okay. We are, yes. Boy, this has been an uncomfortable one, but, um, uh, so, uh, we are heroes from life. Perhaps you recognize my name.

I am Mortimer Max. Master of Destobain. Mortimer Man, Mortimer. I was, I was Melosa, the Haldon and Warbribe? I'm Chon. I'm sorry. Kickpocket.

Charn, Kickbuckets, Executioner of gods. The words you just said in a line together. So challenging. Charn. Chorn fucking kick bucket. Oh, good. Well, yes. Well, that was my real name.

He's the one. The executioner of the gods? It's why I got into security, man. Son of a gun. I grew up reading board books about Char and Kick Bucket. I got them golden books.

What's the golden spine about? Little Charney. My favorite is C or maybe K or H is for Charm. Yeah. Charn. There was a little intro of the being and said,

we wish we would have asked him before he died. Good to meet a fan. You're dead, though. Right? Well, technically, he's in between lives.

I'm, uh, yes. I'm kind of looking around, kind of feeling my way through and seeing, is this going to work for me? Is it not going to work for me? And besides, I'm here to, we're here to prevent a great tragedy because we're heroes. You just, you remember me. Listen, I do. Yes. And you are my hero. Good, good. And I always ask myself, what are you trying to?

Yes. And I'm not supposed to let's go. My WC, K, maybe HDD. It's in brackets. Sure, yeah. I'm not supposed to have skeletons in and I know exactly what Charm would do and he pulls out his own axe. No, please. Let me, before we start

because I think I know where this is going. I must tell you that this is the infamous hemogoblin. Hemogoblin which can cut through anything. It can cut through time. It's looking pretty dull to me. You can't just say you can have an axe that cuts through space.

Hey, Justin, he can say anything, and I can't do. It's dull as shit, man. I see the rest all over it. Did you, did you bury it with blood on it? Well, I didn't have much choice. I just completed a job, okay? I just chopped off a head. And then your horse kicked you in the mouth.

And so I read about it in Little Charney. I was carrying this head back to, you know, to put it in my steamer trunk. I've always meant to ask about that, but I told myself, I ever get a chance. Like, to me, the skeleton in a trunk kick bucket,

why'd you keep all the heads in a steamer trunk? It's a yucky answer. You do not want it. Okay, I'm kind of a completest when it comes to collecting. So, so you were going to collect

all the heads of everyone? All the heads of the people I chopped off, yes. This is one of those moments, Chan. I should mention, I think he's wrong. There's one at Kosai, by the way.

It's a shrunken head, but you can go get it. If you find they're missing a couple, there's one shrunken head at Kosai. I saw the shrunken head at Kosai. You have to push a button to see the shrunken head at Kosai. It's weird. That's somebody's head. But anyway, I was like, I told my kid, Cooper, I said, hey, don't press that button. There's a shrunken head in there.

I was like, fucking, she's never a million years. Why would you do that? I've been a dad for a little bit, right? not in a million years should you tell the kid if you press the button you'll see a shrunken head that's a hundred percent guarantee

that kid's about to press that button especially when there's three other children there because then one kid to push the button and it's like hey Charn yes he swings at you and he hits your left leg

you always hit if you attack a skeleton because they're slow you don't roll you're very slow so you get hit in the leg so you take one damage to your left leg and it goes flies off. It goes flying, right? Yes.

Okay. Very funny. Now it's my turn. And I throw Sunsinger, and I'm like a foot away, I guess. So I don't have a lot of time to get a lot of action up. I'm still going to try it. Okay. Roll.

D10. Oh, wait. No, you have a... No, you roll a D10. Yeah. And then Sunsinger does D6 damage. Okay. One.

That does miss. I figured. Six into the dirt. Oh, no. How did you, hold on. How did that even just happen? You were a foot away. I threw it and I missed.

You needed it four inches into the dirt. It looked like, that was an intimidation move I like to do. Did it work? I don't need this to beat you up and I throw it in the ground. It didn't work? It did not work. Did you see how it looks more confident? But did you see how deep it went in the ground?

She is going to have a hard time pulling that out. Why don't you? What? Let us go. because that's not what charm kickbuck it would do. He's right here. Would you fucking do it, man? He swings his axe at Melosa. Son of a...

Wait, I didn't get a chance to do anything. Except get my leg knocked off. You're going to take a hit to the torso, Melosa. How does... What happens then? Because if the torso goes, a lot of other stuff going to go. Yeah, so what happens, Griffin? Thank you for asking.

It says use your best judgment about stuff attached to it. So basically, torso, arms, sloths off, head drops down, head now stuck to legs. Head, pelvis, legs. That's a fair copy. You get two turns now. I had, uh, so you know, I have an extra armor on my torso and pelvis. Great. That worked out great for me. Okay, so, Mortimericks or Char. But did I lose my torso. Yeah, your torso and arms over here. Okay. Head is now on pelvis and legs. Okay, got it. Perfect. I'm, okay. Charn is thinking back.

turn his thinking back to a moment are you doing a flashback? Yeah I'm flashing back to a moment This game has those it doesn't In group we were in group The past doesn't exist We had been talking about ED There's only now And I can remember how

Vulnerable Melosa felt without her torso So I'm about to roll again I turn my back And I don't care what happens to me But I'm going to fetch Melosa's torso Oh. And bring it.

Okay, roll a D-10. That's this one. It can be. Okay. That's a one. That's a 10. On a 100 dice, that's a one. Yeah, see how it goes up to...

Okay, shut up. You just saw it. Shut up, shut up, shut up. It's a one. So, as you turn around, yeah, he hits your head with the axe, and your head goes flying off. That's really a weirder.

experience for you charn. Okay, good. There. That is not covered his head. I look at my two skeleton friends and I look at this big, strong dude and realize I'm going to do what I do best.

And I just turned towards the two of you and I say, you have to fucking do better than that. And I'm going to try and command the dead. Command the dead. Okay. I'm not going to control then. Because it's 100 years later, but

I am going to. to try to improve their confidence. Oh, you're inspiring them. I'm inspiring them. Okay, so you still have access to your magic. Yes. But it is, the effect is weakened. Okay.

So you're casting Inspire the Dead. What is your desired effect? I want them to do better fighting this guy. Okay, roll a D-10. That's a fucking one. What's going on? They both look at you and say, like, okay. An action well spent.

Still got it. Charn, you are, no. Please don't kill us. Melosa, you're up. I guess, um, so I'm ahead on him. I'm just a hat and feet right now, huh? Correct. Well, you have legs, and you know how to use them.

Okay, I'm going to try to kick his kneecap and make his leg bend the wrong way. Okay, we're all right. Well, it's D-10. Jesus. Sorry, I don't have a torso. I'm a little bit frustrated. I love you're using your chakram as a little dice tower there.

It's a Sunsinger. That's a completely different IP. There's nothing to with Zina Warrior Princess. Eight. And is that with a plus one? Nine. Okay, yeah, you make solid contact with his knee. And it twists out, and he falls to one knee.

So he's going to lose his action this turn. Charn? Charn takes the rogue's head. Uh-huh, Thad Lamaez. Thad, and puts it on his shoulders. Cool. All right, yeah, Thad is going to swing. Thad is going to swing.

What is me? Thad! No, that's not the voice. That's the voice I'm going to use. It's, it's... Hey, Dan. Hey, Dan. Yeah.

Fuck off. It's his legal right, Travis. So I'm going to... You can't steal Travis's character. Travis was controlling this character first. Now, okay, we have to, okay, Dad, here's what we actually have to deal with. Okay. You, for all intents and purposes in this game, if your head is destroyed, you die.

So you are the head, right? Yeah. Yes. You don't become, like, a fully sentient battle station who's like, oh, I'm over here and like, you're not a three-starck. Yeah, you're not a calcium mech. Yeah, you're just a head, I think. All right, well, in that case, he puts that on his shoulders, and then he,

No, okay. I would tell him. You're ahead. And then rolls towards the security guy to bite him in the ankles. Okay, but he can't, okay, wait, you can't put that on your shoulders. You're on control your body.

Okay, no. Why? Think about it. Otherwise, you got to chuck it off. I tried asking this question 10 minutes ago, and I got basically booed by everybody. Okay, so roll to bite ankle. Roll to bite ankle.

Words never before said. Probably on this podcast. That's an eight. Oh, yeah. So you get that angle. It's going to be the angle that he's actually putting weight on because the need is to have a phoneer. So he's like laying on the ground now and Thad raises up hema goblin and beheads him.

Yeah, so Lonely Steve. Put a quarter in the, not lonely anymore. Wait, wait. Did Thad behead him? No. Yeah. We still got eight. Yeah.

No, wait, go on. First of all, seven. We started at seven. Second of all, the party still killed a human. I traded in seven coins, so I thought I got an extra one. We're not, okay, so just seven. Seven of it. Yeah.

And Fat is part of our party. We're down to six. Well, yeah, but not, what, it wasn't Chong. Fat, I'm mad. You're not a player character. You burn one of our deaths. Yeah, but you guys had already been hit, like, We've fucked up big time, partner.

Okay, I'm going to start. Obviously, we're all reattaching ourselves, yes? Yes. Yeah. Okay. Now you still keep the damage box. Can I bring that guy back? You can try?

Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to bring back lonely. Wait, wait, wait, should I? Should I leave his head there then? Listen, this is, I don't know what your guys' arrangement is. Yes. No, yeah, scoge him back together. Okay.

Not too hard. Don't be gross about it. I didn't know I had to assist. Uh, is this, can we call this speaking or moving? No. Okay. No, this is speaking and moving. That is a nine.

It's a nine. It's pretty good. It was pretty good. Uh, yeah, you bring him back his heads on backwards. Okay. Whoopsy-dupsy. Oh, man. Well, I was kind of beheaded by the great charing kick, but it was cool.

Yes. Yeah, well, I, okay. So what now? Master? No, I hate that. It sounds weird. It's no good, yes. Please. Just don't, just try to find it.

What about Bud? Just don't find yourself in situations where you have to use my name at all. It's the easiest way. No, okay, you can just call me Mortimer Max. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to call you, bud. Yeah. It's...

What about Morty? No, not Morty. Max. Now, that's all so bad. Morty Max. Morty Max. Yes. Are you sure?

Let's go back to Master, actually. Okay. Morning Master, what are you, what's your bidding? Well, can you go around and tell all the other security guards that we're cool? Yeah, that won't be weird at all. Hold on. You're going to have to go in that closet, strip down, put all your clothes on backwards. Okay.

No. It's the only way. That won't do anything. That will be worse. on in there and put all your clothes on backwards. That is on order. That will definitely. I command it.

Hold on. Okay. He does it? Yes. It's, give me this. Passable. Good. Okay, now you go around and tell all the other security gods that you're cool?

That these three skeletons are cool. You got it. And off he goes. Still got it, baby. Really good. Very good work. Very healthy. So now the way into Prosperity Cove is wide open. Because of that. Wow. All right. I want to strut in like I own the place.

I'll wave at security guards like, yeah, it's us, the ones that only Steve told you about. We're cool. All right. No, man. No, they like it. We weren't wild about him in life. Travis, I don't want them to not like it. I don't want them to like it. I think it's good. It's okay. Okay. They're wary, but not angry.

Okay. So we stroll on in looking for, I mean, what do we see when we get close? So when you get in, it's regatta season. Oh, man. Yeah. So there's a... I don't know what that means. It's like a boat thing.

Awesome. Yeah, fancy boats, maybe a race. I don't know. They race them. I think so. It sounds kick ass. Yeah. It's like a boat parade.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, man. Cool, wet parade. What is that a bunch? What? A wet parade, good. A wet parade, yeah. Keep going.

Anyways, there's a bunch of rich-looking people wearing, like, sailors caps, but they're really fancy sailor caps. What's wrong with you? I just got sickle thinking about it. Danwood just picked up his acts like me mentioning people wearing hats reminded in they have heads. That's horrifying. I thought we were going to.

Okay. There's more than six. Okay. Am I down to six? No, we've got six. And they're all sitting around sipping a colorful, very enticing-looking drinks. They're wearing...

I'm a skeleton. But wouldn't that make you want it more? I've watched Pirates of the Caribbean Curts of the Black Burl many times. Yeah. That's true. He still wants rum, right? They want them real bad. Yeah.

He wants to eat apples. Yeah. So much. It's fucking wild, man. Yeah, man. It's a crazy flick. Cool flicks. Cool flicks.

So keep going. Keep going with the adventure. Sorry, I was thinking about Crystal Black World. I know you are. I know. I'm trying to pull you back. What's your favorite part? I'm trying to give you the kick, Travis. Get out. You're too deep. I'm back. I'm back. You walk in, the regardless happening,

and you start to recognize the lay of the land. You were here. This was a famous battle for you fighting Slaggathon. And you remember where he rose before. But now, what you see, it's a pickleball court. fucking Jesus Right there in the middle

And all these Rich folk These very posh, bogey folk Are standing around enjoying their cocktails There's some past hors d'oe Yeah Oh food

Sorry I just remembered about food Oh that is a bad beat Yeah And in order to get to the Bigelwell Court You will need to make your way Past this cocktail party First things first let's go to the coach chair Can we go to the

the coat check? Is there a coat check? What an interesting order in which to ask those guys. I need to rearrange the time. I switch it around. Is there a coat check? You know what? Griffin, flip this coin. Which side is good? Well, one side has a skull on it, one side has a ship on it. So the skull is good. The skull is good for you.

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. If it's a skull, what happens? There's a coat check. It's abundantly clear Mac. Wow. No, what's how it, the ship? Yeah, that's the ship. Listen, these people didn't get rich by handing poor people their coats.

Damn it. Okay, but make it so that they all have their coats with them. They do all have their coats with them. Okay. Yeah. A plan begins to form. I will remember that. Well, that was my thing.

Trying to wheel a coat check into existence. How do we get? down to where the dragon is. You gotta get past the human cocktail I'm walking through. Wait. This is fine. We're cool with the guards,

not with a bunch of rich weirdos. No? Listen, I am fucking I don't, this is a heavy axe. That's a real axe, by the way. Hot. Excuse me, pause your party just for a moment. If we can go through,

we have to shop down to shrubby. Yeah, that's what I've been. waiting for, baby. Security? Security, who like this? Skellonson? They're fine with us. They like us, actually.

They're actually... They look wary. They're on our team. Security, get them. Get these guys security. Remember what the ground? No, Lonely Steve steps out. To like grab...

Yes, yes, you... Wait, wait, who stepped up? Lonely Steve. Lonely Steve is reaching out to grab. the Sunsinger and chop off only Steve's head again. That's what I did to the groundskeeper. Imagine what I'll do to you. Hey, I can't do what I did twice.

You know that, right? First of all. He's done now, right? You get that? He was lucky to get a second chance. No one gets a third. First of all. I'm counting out of another one.

We're down to five now. No, that doesn't count. No, no, no. No. No. The parliamentary procedure, that was the same one. Can we have a moment? Thank you.

It was the same one. It was the same one, but a second ending of his presence. But, and I did not do it. Hey, I'm the necromancer here. Let me be the death accountant. Listen, five and a half. How do you intend to achieve

another half death? A child. I figured it. It just became premeditated. Yeah. I figured it out once. I can do it again. Five and a half. Sorry, are you hearing the conversation that's taking place? That's why I leaned it instead a child is the other half a death. Okay. Holy shit. Fucking get him.

And that's where we're going to take our intermission. All right, class. Tomorrow's exam will cover the science of cosmic rays, the morals of art forgery, and whether or not fish can drown. Any questions? Yes, you in the back. Uh, what is this?

It's the podcast, let's learn everything. Where we learn about science and a bit of everything else. My name's Tom. I studied cognitive and computer science, but I'll also be your teacher for intermediate emojis. My name's Caroline and I did my master's in biodiversity conservation, and I'll be teaching you intro to things the British Museum stole. My name's Ella. I did a PhD in stem cell biology,

so obviously I'll be teaching you the history of fan fiction. Class meets every other Thursday on maximum fun. So do I still get credit for this? No. Obviously not. No. It's a podcast. Hey, let us guess.

You love books, but wish you had more time to read. Or maybe you used to read a lot, but life has gotten in the way. kids, grad school, you name it. Maybe you don't know where to start, and bookish social media is overwhelming. How do people on TikTok read so many books? Oh my God, I don't know. And maybe you've been reading the same book for six months,

and now it's permanently attached to your bedside table. Maybe you don't even know what you like to read anymore. We're reading glasses, and don't worry, we got here. We'll get you back into reading and help you enjoy books again. Reading glasses every week on Maximum Fun. Thank you to Tyler Reed for our beautiful. beautiful poster in which I am a hot dog person. I wish Tyler had come.

Tyler's here. I'd be nice of Tyler. I wish Tyler we're here right now. Oh, man. Tyler, are you here? Thank you for everything, Tyler. Hey, everybody's going to go buy Tyler's cool poster, right? Or else he's not.

Tyler's going to stand by the poster table and watch each one of you walk by not buying one. Yeah. With one tier rolling down his chair. And he's going to remember that he got paid for the art and not proposter and he's going to be just fine. Damn it. All right, Tyler, if we sell out, you get $10. No, stop it.

I also want to say thank you to Liz Fernandez, who did my makeup. Thank you, then. And I want to say thank you to Amanda for running sound for us tonight. Yes. So anyway, we're about to commit premeditated murder. No, no, see here. See here, skeletons. I'm Shedric Prosperity, and this is my Cove.

Pretty lucky to be born into that name, wasn't it? I'm from a long line of Prosperities. Or did you mean Shedric? Sorry, one more time. Shedric. No, just from Travis? Shedric. Shedric.

Shedric. In a hundred years, Shedric's going to be a really popular name. And this is my wife, Biphany. Is it? Wait, is it Oh, is it in your book? Yeah, it's in your book right there, I guess. It's one of the few things I wrote down.

How many, what's that? Travis, describe the scene for me here a little bit. Can you pay me a visual picture? Yeah, there's lots of boozy folks around. Lots of, they're wearing white linen fantasy pants. What area of the resort are we in? Oh, so you're near the docks. Okay.

Right? Because it's regatta season. Yes. Right? And I could have looked up what regattas are during the break, but I know. I've heard very recently that they are boat parades. Correct. I have it on good account that they are boat parades, parades for boats.

Parades, they call them. People in Huntington get there, I know there's a regatta in Charleston. And people in Huntington get very judgy about the Charleston regatta. They call it the Charleston regrida. Huntington had a regatta for a long time. But they lost it. Yeah. So now it's a regatta.

Well, they just, they didn't, they didn't, they didn't, they didn't, they didn't tie it up to the, to the pier and it floated down to Charles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got a regatta. Yeah. They say. And of course, uh, you see the pickleball courts, which is, uh, underneath which is where Slagathorne's domain is.

Yes. Um, there's all kinds of, you know, uh, cabins and cabanas and casitas. Yes. Sure. Different, uh, different, uh, different places. is where someone might say that starts with the sea? Sure. Cungalos.

We are. You need to stop right now. We are. Okay, go ahead. No, you go ahead. No, I wasn't going to talk, so you should try talking. No, if someone would please introduce themselves. Yes, and let me stress, this is your last chance. Weird way to start a conversation.

I'm Mortimerick's Walberg. That's right, it's my last name. I usually don't say it. Anyway, I'm a hero of the realm, as are these two. My associates. Kickbucket. John Kickbucket. Executioner of the gods

and I'm, and gods of the, and then it's a no. I saw a Buzzfeed quiz that said you're going to be at least one of the three of us. So, and I'm Melosa, the Hardonian Warbriad. That one, do it for you?

Your name's do sound oddly familiar. We're heroes of the realm. Oh, wait, where's glorious aphraim? He's my favorite. He went to heaven. That tracks. Hey, actually, don't forget me. Oh, yes, we have a head friend.

Anyway, that doesn't sell your case. What, are you a judge of some sort? Yes. Well, are you the judge from Caddyshack? Maybe. Okay. No, I am as established, Shandrick Prosperity. I'm something of a hero myself.

I'm a jobs creator. Jesus Christ in heaven alive See, I told you he's good You're getting on board too, huh? If you'll excuse me And Melosa takes the sunsinger And heads out to the pickleball court And just starts jamming it into the pickleball court

Trying to start digging a hole And Biffany steps forward Hey, now see here, this is, that's my pickleball court Yes, can I play? I'd love to play some pickleball We'll fix the divvets when we're finished. Will you?

No. No. No, afraid not. Probably not. Okay. We're going to have security escort you out. They love us.

They love us. They were for us. We established. Right before the break, I think we can't all this. Now, hold on, guys. Guys, guys, guys. Let's, I'm going to try to say this

with no judgment or inflection. Let's look over what happened. So, Lonely Steve, who told you that people didn't like him because of his politics. Right. Right. You killed him and put his head. That's their ringleader. And you put his head on backwards.

And I said him changing his clothes around was passable. Yes. And then you asked me to have him go around and tell everyone. Passable for, passable. Just so clear. Passable to convince people that he is indeed the man they do not. enjoy very much. And then he went around telling people you were cool.

And how did I phrase it, Griffin? Passively? I said they were wary, but not angry. Okay. So this is not dire allegiance. And then what happened to lonely safe? Then we killed him. Wait, not we.

I? Yes. No, thank you. You're right. I should own this. You have to own it. I killed him. a man who was already dead because I thought it wouldn't count.

So shame on me. No, no. There's no shame. You actually can't be here for this. But imagine you guys are the DM right now. Yeah, yeah. You're in my shoes. How do you think security feels about you?

Not good. We killed a guy twice on the ground. Or? Or, unless, unless they're afraid of us. Ooh, that's, can we intimidate? We have just killed the same dude twice. Imagine what we're going to do to their asses. Charne, I'm going to give you the opportunity to intimidate.

Very good. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, put on your scary mask. This is not going to change the result of the dice roll any. It will make it funnier if it's bad, though. Put the ass down. Put the ass down. Not a joke.

All right. I don't like it. Are you going to roll with your teeth? Because you do have to do that still. I can't see the die. Got it. Roll that beautiful bean footage. That's a four.

There's only ten numbers on the dice, traves, so it's not that bad. And where is four fall as far as like above or below middle? Where would you put four? Practically so close to middle that it basically is like a middle. Griffin, you're a father. Henry comes home from school and says, I got a 40% on a test. Yeah, that's not very good. But the test was in bullying.

Oh, shit. Wait, the test was how many drugs can you do? I mean, he can hang if he needs to. Right, he got a 40 on bullying. That's not great. He can bully four out of 10 kids. If the main bully was sick, he could fill the power vacuum for a day. Wait, hold on.

With a 40, you think he's the backup bully? He's a, Henry can fill in as a bully. When the bully gets back, Henry will be like, boy, am I going? Glad to see you. It's been pretty busy around here. See, by doing what I did, it makes them look better. No. That's not how that works. Well, the security guards advance.

I'll just go ahead. They advance? They advance on you. Not on me. Where are they coming at me? I'm over at the pickleball court digging a hole. They're closing in on the pickleball court. I think we're all on the pickleball court.

Don't. All right. She picks up the Sunsinger. Not one more step. And she holds it in a threatening way. No, you missed that train. Charin already biffed that one. What?

Charne biffenied that one. He's not intimidating. Fine, then I chuck it at the middle one's head. Okay, roll a D10. Pretty spooky stuff, juice. Yeah. Another one. Yeah, would you believe me if I said one?

It's a one. No, no, no. We need that. Oh, no. No, wait a minute. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul, for the new die. Do I get a do-over?

No. Wait a second. Hold on. New die, do-over? It's a different dice. Paul brought it out. You saw it. Okay, Justin, I'll make you a deal.

Okay. If you roll a five or below, something bad is going to happen. Okay. To you guys. Oh. How about this? It misses the first guy.

That was the one. It bounced off of him. It bounced. No, it miss him. because it would hurt anywhere it hit him. It missed him and it hit a wall and it comes back and maybe it's going to hit the next guy. That's an eight.

Plus one for hitting. Yeah. Wait, who gets pluses? He, okay, while dad reads? Yeah, it hits the guy in the back of the head, security guard, right and it just cracks through the skull. Dead. I very quickly, before even,

I catch him as he falls and raise him back up. No, stop it! It went so good the last time. I have like one thing. And I point at Steve's headless body. Did it? I summon the Sunsinger back to my hand. You do?

Wait, let's talk about order of operations. Nope. It's established, Griffin. You roll to see how your thing goes. Fuck me. It's a hostile work environment. I think that was a crit that I just picked up. to we fucking roll again.

Eight. Yeah, no, he's back. Okay, cool. He's up. He's a little woozy. And you can tell he's not happy about the thing that just happened. He's maybe angry than he was.

First time, huh? Anyway. Now, Justin, roll a D-10. That's one. But that's in the content, no. No, no, no. In the context, that's good. Okay.

Hey, Griffin, it's not. It's a one. It's a one, but that's good. It means you can't pull it out. No, he summons it back and it pulls the guy's head off. And that's the second half death. I will say this. Everyone pauses.

Yeah, I'd say, man. Yeah, the advancing of the security guides. I think I'd take a mode. And I'm not going to say not out of intimidation. Okay. Out of like an existential dread. Yeah.

Of what they've just seen, there's a lot to process. Yeah. Wow. Our heads come off wicked easy. Yikes. What was the name of the second one we'd be ahead? Happy Steve. Happy Steve.

Kind of a misnomer. Companionable Steve. Shit. That's three. We all liked him and his politics. So listen, that'll do the rest of you, too, if you don't let us dig up this bony dragon. Wait, what? Yeah.

Maybe if you had given us a moment, we could have explained our heroic plight, but instead you were just Just like, Now you came in here. Dunk, dunk, that's me hitting the pickleball court with the Sunsinger that has the guy's hand attached to it. You came in here, attacking our pickleball court.

May I? You killed Steve, both of them. I think that at this moment, this is the time for us to reassess. Let's, let's feel what they are feeling. You're right? Thank you for mirroring me.

Go on, friend. Sorry, you're talking to me. Yes. So as I was saying, you came in here and attacked our Biggabalk Court. That must have been so hard for you. It was. Just keep fucking digging, man. I could go all day with this.

And you're still attacking the Bigelba Court. Well, it's not a sentient object, so we're not really attacking it, are you? And Biffney steps up and says, If you keep attacking that, you're going to attack Slagathon. Wait. What? All right, that does stop her. Melosso walks her.

Sorry, you know Slagathon is there. Yes, of course. What? Well, what? Hmm. Why the pickleball's kind of a new thing? Why build it right over the dragon? Well, we didn't know that when we built the pickleball court,

but then we finished the pickleball court, and I started to pick up kind of the vibe of there's the decontrronic demon under here. But you're not sure. No, I'm sure now. How? I've been working to raise. Ace him. Oh, no. Biffany, no. And Shedric says, oh, Bifony, my love, are you a demonic

necromancer? So, okay, you can't, I can't even understand what you're saying anymore. I say, Biffany, my love, are you a demonic necromanza? No, it's still what this works. How do morning necromancing? Biffany, my love, are you a demonic necroman? There we go, okay, thank you. In case you don't speak first and howl the third. Wait a minute. Hey, we're having an interaction over here. You're telling me you don't recognize the name of Mortimer Max?

No, of course I do. Okay. Yes, you tried to animate your own skeleton. And could have worked. But didn't. You're an embarrassment. Hey, Biffany, we just got to the point where we got him feeling good about

the attempt. And we don't appreciate your negative energy that you're bringing to the group. I don't care. I'm rich. I need Slagathon to come up. I want to build a barchey ball court to the north, but there's a convent slash orphanage slash hospital for injured bunnies up there

who simply won't move. And so I'm going to raise Slagathon, and he's going to destroy the convent slash orphanage slash hospital for injured bunnies, and I can build him a bargy ball cord. There it is. I walk over to her with a magazine article about, the sort of work that the three of us did when we were all alive

that I found. I just hand it to her just to show our sort of bona fides. Oh. Yes. Yes. 17 of them? Yes. Woo! Oh, float like wine, the blood did.

They don't... Yes. Yes. Wait, in a steamer trunk. Yes. You've got to have that little flare. Anyway... A panache. Out of context.

text. Oh, down the shit filled well. Own it. Own it. It's a different time. Anyway, can we please kill the dragon again? Oh, I wish you wouldn't. Is it a dragon or a demon? Oh, yes. Okay. This is, okay, anybody who's ever run a D&D thing or any kind of adventure thing has been afraid of this. What happens when you go up against a dragon that's also a demon? This is everyone's greatest fear. Yeah, sure. The most scary and powerful thing anybody could ever think of a dragon that is also a demon. Right. I put so much thought into if it was a draconic demon or a demonic dragon.

Sure. And I really put some work into it. Either way, man, I'm pissing my pants over here. Great work. Thank you. I just got black makeup on the microphone. I don't see how we're going to have any impact on that situation at all. I say, well, you've left me no choice.

and I turn towards the hole in the ground and I'm going to try and raise the dragon demon. I can tame him. I believe in you. I see you. Thank you. I am going to watch from a distance. Probably a good idea.

In full support. Yes. From a distance. Griffin, roll a D-10. Okay. This is going to be a really good... Oh. A D-10, you say.

Oh, this is going to be impactful. Three. So, I got this. Then he makes a fart noise with a smell. Somehow, against all logic, this skeleton makes a fart noise with the scalp. Dry as a popcorn fart. Yeah. The pickleball court begins to tremble.

Oh, no. The pickleball court cracks open. The game is interrupted. Sorry. And out. Her digging didn't slow them down. No, no. She was near enough the middle that they were just able to play over.

In pickleball, you got to play the field how it lies. Yeah, I see. So in the hundred years we've been gone, pickleball became cool. Yes. In the... Very. A year and a half you've been gone.

Wow. It's very big now there's a whole TV show about it. Yeah, sure. I think with Keek and Michael Key? Can you please continue the day? Anyway. The pickleball court cracks open, and a pit opens, sulfur, brimstone, fire erupts from the crack of the pickleball court, and out from the middle crawls, slagathon, the graconic demon skeleton. No, not a skeleton.

You're a big boy, aren't you? I've never... Sorry, what? I've just never told one as big as you before. Whoa. Weird to be back. I heard it as well. It's weird to be back.

Yes. We're going through the same thing. Oh my God. Mortimer X. More to Max. Master of Destimane. Oh, man. I haven't seen you got...

What? Melosa. Hey, big guy. This is weird. Yeah. A char. Still executing those gods and executing for the gods.

Oh, you know me, Slash. And where's Leaf Step? Where's Gloria Ephraim? Leafstep got animorphed. Oh, no. Hey, Travis, has it occurred to you, as you've been saying out loud, how much that does sound like Gloria, Stefan? Yeah.

I don't know what you mean. All right. And the other one with you. And Sadlamas? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Sorry, Thad. He's right here.

Oh, hey, what's up, bud? We have two fat hands? Wait a minute. Totally different. You have the two Steve heads. Oh, sorry. Fed, I haven't seen you since heaven. I know, I miss it so much.

Wait, hold on, you were there too. Yeah. I need to brush up on the good book, it seems. A lot of rules. A lot of wild rules I was not aware of him. Tell them about Jesus. Oh, this guy is a stitch. I know about Jesus.

Anyway, we were assigned to, to slay you, but you seem chill as all hell. Oh, no, I'm gonna destroy you guys. It's just wild to come back and see you there. Oh. Anyways, uh, what's up? Master? No, we don't say Master anymore.

A lot of things are changed. Now, um. Anyways, kill these skeletons and then go smash that convent. Don't do that stuff. Please. Sorry, what did you roll again? I rolled a three. I'm gonna do that stuff.

Sure, sir, yeah. I get it. Well, we lost. Well, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a loss. What if we ended one of our live shows? What if we had the courage of our convictions to end one of our live shows like,

ah, fuck, we all died. Bye, guys. Already dead. Yeah, we started this one. We started dead. The stakes are low. Keep listening, though, please. All right, one of you two, do yourself.

I'm going to throw the, I'm going to grab that Thad's head and chuck it at the dinosaur. Okay? Sorry, not I know. Change it. Change it. Change it. One man's dragon is another man's dinosaur. I was at Kosai today and that's what I learned. I was at Kosai. There was a lot in Kosai that was like, look at this dinosaur.

Or wasn't a dragon? We don't know, man. And the rest of it's like, everything's kind of dinosaurs if you think about it, like birds and eggs. Like, okay, those aren't dinosaurs, guys. Good try now. Yeah, look at that pig. And Kosai changed you, man. And they're just like, eventually they're like, and birds, like, stop it. Okay, you're out of dinosaurs. A boy, Jessel and I started staring at this black for a long time and it listed off all

the different like versions of dinosaurs now. And then as bottom said, is it a new age of dinosaurs? Question mark. It's not. It's not. Okay. Anyways, coside. I love you.

I want to, I want to, um, I want to, because I know how this game works, I want to, I want to, because I know how this game works, I'm going to chuck the Sunsinger at... Now, hold on. You just said you threw Thad's head. Yeah, but that didn't get the reaction I was hoping for. So now he's just going to do an effective thing. So I'm going to do a regular attack. Okay?

I think everyone was distracted when you decided he was a dinosaur. Yeah. Yes, I remember that. I was moving forward in hope and grace. Actually, Justin, you move backwards and then forwards again. No, no, no, this is good. Move forward. We're out of character right now.

I'm going to throw... I will throw Thad at the... Hey, let Fad hold Sunsinger and throw them both together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll attach them into the greatest weapon. It's a fucking... Here's in the kingdom of here.

It's a head on... I'm going to use the ultra hand to glue this head to this disc. I just fucking... We just reminded all of you that you could be playing Zelda Tiers of the kingdom right now. The high bar. This makes you all so fucking...

I'm amazed that half the audience didn't just light up. Yeah, that's right to do. If you are plain subtle right now, will you raise your hand? No, no, no, don't do that. Please, it'll freak up out. Oh, God, the breeze just blue is backwards. If you brought it with you, though, right?

A few people, I bet. Anyway, this is, uh, yeah, so I'm going to chuck it at the hind leg. The right hind leg. Okay, you roll, and I'll roll as that, and we'll add them together. Oh, cool. Nice. Nine. Four.

Yes. That's 12. 13, let's go. Oh, 13, right. Yeah, so you could chunk into that back leg and knock his back leg off. Great. He's a skeleton, too. The same rules apply.

I know. That's why I did it. Normally I would go for head or heart, right? But skeleton, so I not took out a leg. Wait, wait, wait. How's he dealing with that? Yeah. He's upset.

Yeah. Is he? He's having a hard time process. Is he standing? Well, you have six legs. Son of a bitch. Should have actually. Ask about that.

Take it. Assuming makes it. Now ask how many arms. No. How many arms? I know that's how you get your jaws. It just takes legs. Okay.

Charn is going to attack Schlobethany. No, chirp. No. Terriphon. Holy shit. Slagathor. No. Bifforne or Biffany.

Biffany. That was an honest mistake. Okay. Sure. We throw out with that. Going to attack Biffony. Okay. With

Yeah, with your axe Sure, sure. The axe. Not with the pineapple The axe that can cut through space and time. Yeah, go ahead and roll a D-10. Most cheeses. Yeah, sure.

I didn't say Jesus. Yeah. That would be wild, by the way. Hey, if you're a player and you need to create a fantasy weapon, create an axe like a good Jesus. Yeah, sure. Roll.

All right. Just let your DM deal with that. Seven plus plus nothing. They can't see the sheet. I can, though, and it doesn't add anything. Seven? Seven's good. Seven is good.

At Griffin, if Henry came home from school. Yeah. You know in kindergarten they don't do sort of numerical grades. And that's what's wrong with our country today. And if I may point out, having hit for 70% with an axe. Yeah. That's good. kill you. Sure.

If a hundred percent is it killed because you can't kill more than a hundred percent. You can't hit someone more than a hundred percent. If you hit somebody with an ass. What happens, Mr. GM, please. No, you kill her. Oh. Whoa.

Weird. That's four. Four left. And Shedric says, oh no, my third wife. Shedric. Wait, how many wives? He's got six six wives, huh? Six legs.

six wives. I think how you do it. Hold on. Shedric is the rich person. Right, I know. The dragon has six legs. Cedric has six wives. It's a good number. Wait, hold on. Why are you pointing it out? What is the connection there? What are you saying is that I rely on the number six

too much? No, I'm saying he has five other wives, so he's not upset. And I think that that sucks. That's not how it was. I might have three more in the future, but I'm a monogamous. Jesus Christ. Anyway, so

Are we good here or? No. We're running wild. So, Slagathoran attacks. Okay. Oh, oh, slag of thorn attacks. Mortimax. You don't need...

Yeah, knocks your head, clean off. My fucking head? Yeah, man. Oh, shit. And then that tail whips around to attack, ooh, to attack you, Melosa. That is a nine. knocking your left arm off.

Boy, that's bad for you guys. I wish it had happened to me. I feel bad for you two. Because here I stand, and I just, you know, chopped up. Yeah, then Shedric attacks you. Good, good. Charon? Me?

Yeah. And it's going to knock your torso off. Okay. That's embarrassing. I don't want you to beat yourself up. It's tough. That's a bad beat. I've been there.

I should have seen it. coming. It happened to everybody else. I... Same deal. Torso arms over here. Head, pelvis legs. I have never felt so close to the two of you before. We have suffered much in the last

like 45 minutes. Our bond is as such that sometimes it feels we are as one. Wait a minute. What are you thinking? Let's Captain Planet this shit. I said that I'm just ahead right now, so someone else is going to have to move first. I've got arms.

You don't. You don't. You don't. You have a leg and the legs. You're a head. You're a head. Okay. Melosa has everything but her left arm.

So she's going to run and attach your head to her right arm, her left arm socket. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'll attach all the dad's stuff to my back. So dad's headed legs are on my back. And then you hear, hurrah! And here down comes Leaf Step to give you wings on your back. You have a hawk on your back now.

But Dad was on my back. Hold on a fucking second. No, Leaf Step. You do not get to just fly in here at the end of the shit and get all the credit. No, you're always doing it. Arrah, awrah. Get out of here.

And off leaves that flies. And that says, way to tell him. Her. I've been so afraid of that conversation. I know you have. I know. I know. I'm ready now.

Continue your bone art. I'll warn you, I was lactose intolerant in life, so don't use a lot of my stuff up front. Okay. I will run and attach one of Slagothority. legs to my right arm. Cool. Yeah. And I fall over

for a second. It's big, yeah, it's big. It takes me a second, like, but it is a dinosaur which evolved into birds so it's a hollow bone. Of course, perfect, thank you. Wait, so it's a dinosaur,

demon, dragon skeleton. Get on board, Claire. Get on board, ride the lightning. I grab my own rib cage and put it on like a hat, like, is this anything? Okay, I want to say that this whole thing is taking like 10 minutes?

Yeah. All the humans, half of the humans are throwing up. Yeah, yeah. Are we ready, bone-tron? Clacka, clacka, clacka, clacka, claca. Clacket-cac-cac-cac-cac-cac-cac-cac-cac. We draw the sword made out of all our fibulas that we crafted.

All three of you roll a D-10. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got a one. A four. Okay, dad, big. Did you get a one?

I wrote a four. A four. All right. We're up to five. Come on, Matt, deliver for us, and that's it.

Eight. Nice. No, it's a six. Okay. I just got cataracts. Eleven. Eleven.

And Sadlamas. Thadlamas rolled at ten. Yes. Yeah. Block Jack, baby. And Slackathon looks at this and goes, you know what? Biffin he's dead.

Yes. Right. I'm going to go back to being dead. You could have been with the best of them, but instead. It got real fucked up. Yeah. And listen, I'm a draconic, demonic, demonic dinosaur.

Yes. I've seen some fucked up stuff. We're keeping the leg, by the way. Fine, fine. Seems fair, right? Mess up. I'm going back to heaven, guys. Wait, wait, wait, just like, before you go. Oh, fuck.

We meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at 630. I'm in... No, this is a pretty embarrassing death. You must know that. I'm walking away with my head held high, man. Yeah, for now, but we... that changes, go to the address listed on the pamphlet. Sorry, is this in heaven?

Because that's where I'm going back to. This fucking guy, let's go. It's better than heaven. It's about family. Yes. They don't do family stuff in heaven. It's a real lone wolf vibe up there, from what I understand. This has been the most blasphemy-filled episode.

Sorry, did the dinosaur willingly go back to heaven? I thought he was a dragon. Well, we'll never know now. Yeah. He's... Tell what you guys were doing, and it was so blasphemous. Yeah, it was so upsetting to him visually. No, wait, okay, no, wait.

Hold on, this is really important. Yeah. I still have one of his legs. Yeah, it's yours. We got it. We got it for that? Yeah, that's ours now. Nice.

Yeah, cool. So next time we play, just remember that we're a big sort of bone meck with a dinosaur leg for a hand, which is kick ass. TMTM. TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM, TM. And Slagathor's guard, he went back to his wrestling place. You guys did it. Yeah, can we?

Are you freak? Hey, you guys were so weird that you won. Wow. How are the guards, do, I look at the guards. They're throwing up. Oh, we can just kind of go. We're a robbery. Thank you.

Hey, everyone. You're welcome. Right? Hey, you're welcome. Thank you for being part of our recovery. Thank you. As you guys get outside of, of Prosperity Cove, Boner Mage 420,

shows back, I was like, I was able to gain enough power to appear once again. How did it go? Just like we planned. Exactly. You defeated Slagathorne. We sort of did. Yeah, basically.

We consumed his essence as well. Show him the leg. Show him the leg. Show him the leg. Hey, let me. I'm Slagathor. It's good, right? How do you like that?

Now you're thinking about your own bones right now, aren't you? You all are thinking about your own bones right now, aren't you? Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, everybody. It's May. Oh. What's wrong with you? The end.

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