The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 26: Radical Rescue!

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

The Abnimals and the Greenback Guardians fight their way through guards, robots, and villains to discover the mysterious being who was behind Carver's disappearance.Abnimals Theme by Justin McElroy, Eric Near (https://bit.ly/ericnearmusic) and Jonathan Coulton (https://www.jonathancoulton.com/).Additional Music in this Episode: "Thunder" by The Wanderer: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/stranger/; "Task Man" by Gamesharkoff: https://gagmesharkoff.bandcamp.com/; "Air" by Jesse Spillane: http://www.jessespillane.com/; "Turn around" and "Espérides" by Koi-discovery: https://koi-discovery.lescigales.org/; "This Could Get Dark", "Hellafunk", "Chill Down", and "Blood in the Water" by Mr. Smith: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSk2j0fTMw9V94UGyfWrSuA?; "Quickening" by malictusmusic: https://www.malictusmusic.com/; "Tense Music for Tense Scenes" by Universfield: https://unil.ink/universfield; "Rather Never Than Ashamed" by done with fish: https://soundcloud.com/donewithfish; "The Vikings are Coming!" by Scott Holmes Music: https://scottholmesmusic.com/; and "Neptune" by Joseph R. Lilore: https://josephlilore.com'. National Immigration Project: https://nipnlg.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Newton I've heard We're at the height of our powers Atop the tallest in towers It'll never stop us now And we'll do it with me much Until it's turning out just like to play The way is wrong But our mojo is strong

And unless I'm wrong And I'm not, we're at the height of our power Newton, loveless the more you're surrounded Well, mostly surrounded by bad guys. You've knocked a few out, tore a head off, bit the head off of one, really. A couple are knocked out, one's still getting his pants buckled back on. What do you do? What kind of weaponry are these robots working with?

What kind of like anti-personnel sort of features do they have? Can I, can I, I mean, it is a butcher's that I would be taking, just to kind of get a feel for. Yeah, give me a butcher's role. Let me see. You know what? Let's just do this Mondo move. Let's do reduce reuse recycle. I would like to make a weapon out of this robot's head that I've just torn off and maybe any other kind of materials to construct a machine, construct a weapon, which is a 68 roll. Yeah, give me a 68 roll to determine. Well, there's only two successes in there, but they are the same numbers. So that is a cow bunga. That is a cowbonga, my dude. So two sevens. What do you want to make out of it? So you have. have, let's say that it has the capabilities programmed into it for like a taser.

Yeah. And potentially, let's say, built-in pepper spray breath. Yeah. I mean, taser definitely sounds better to me. So I'm going to just, you know, work in the gully works of this thing a little bit. And then let me see. I have one robot on me and then there's two kind of untouched on the other flank there, right? Yeah.

And if you wanted to incorporate this robot head into your hook and chain. Oh, that's kind of cool. Yeah, you know what? I'll do that. I'll put it on the end of my hook and chain. Turn it into sort of a flail. Flail! So I'm going to hit the other two robots with the flail.

Okay, so normally with your signature item, it would be 5D8, but on this role, attacking the other two, it's going to be a seven. Well, I guess I have that guy right behind me, and it is the nature of the flail that it goes in a big source. So can I try and get like move here and try and get these three haters? Yeah, go for it. Okay, here we go. 68. Big roll. No, seven.

That's okay. This is, I think, also unprecedented. It's five successes. I do have a seven, seven, seven in there. Oh, yeah. We're going to call this a mega cowbunga. Your flail and chain with the built-in taser just tears these three dudes in half. these three robot dudes.

Yeah, three robots. We do not have souls. So it's totally cool. I grab the head. Sometimes on the adventures zone robots do have souls, though, and it's like so confusing. It's like, it really is arc by arc. This is why we can't have a multiverse guy.

Yeah, no, we're chewing in a universe. Because it would be, this is what we need. A multiverse task that is just a war over sentience. So we align the universes. So, Robots with souls versus robots without souls? Well, universes in which robots are decided to have souls versus universes of Taz where they are not. And it's just an, like it's a multiverse battle.

I consider taking the severed robot head off of the end of the chain, but I'm going to look over at Newton and Lamar. And I'm like, do you guys think that this could be like part of my brand? Or is it too like metal? It's a little. It brings me a something. I'm realizing how much Axelile kind of sounds like a ninja turtle

like if Jeff Daniels was a ninja That was sort of... What's a ninja turtle? What is it ninja turtle? Yeah, these are Greenback Guardians. If I could... In ancient fuel Japan. All right.

Sorry, Jeff, which part of the concept did I lose you out? Because if it's not that, it's turtles. Well, like, I can picture a ninja and I can picture a turtle. But ninjas are usually moved very quickly, like the wind and turtles are notoriously slow. So I guess I'm confused by the meshing of the two concepts.

I understand why it is. That's why the edge is so edgy. I'm sheepishly, I'm going to tuck the robot head into my knapsack. It is, I don't think I can swing around a sever head. That's just too, that's just not my, not my aesthetic. It's a little mid-90s. Lamar, uh, two of, the guards are going to take swings at you.

So one of those hits can't be defended. There's an A, but the other two hits are reduced because of your damage reduction. Okay? And the second one takes a swing at you. There would be two hits, but your damage reduction stops those. And it is your turn now with these two haters. It's two damage, right? Just one.

Just one that can be blocked. Okay. So how many guards do I have now? You've got two, one to your north, one to the west. Okay. It says on Lamar's character sheet that he's real good at flipping. Real good. And I notice here that you've written real in like capital letters, right?

So what I'm going to do now, what Lamar's going to do, is he's going to flip away from the two guards. He's kind of like flip between them onto the desk. And the flip that he does is going to be so graceful that it reminds the guards of a sort of like universal nature of aesthetic beauty. Ooh, okay. That we can all connect to. And it's sort of like the pursuit of that beauty and the recognition of that beauty, it sort of takes their motivations and holds them up for how sort of like hollow and cheap they are. in the face of like that sort of eternal aesthetic beauty. Now what I love about the way that sometimes dice tell a story,

that is definitely what Lamar has in his head as he coils his muscles and bends his knees to execute this flip. And now I would like you to roll the 68 that he has in flipping to see how it actually turns out. It's a success. It's not as thunderous of a success as I'm. would have liked for the goal, I will say, Trav. For the, for the goal, I would have loved to see two of the same numbers instead of an eight and a five and many, many failureness.

Yes. So he is able to gracefully flip upon the desk, getting past the two guards. And they do take a moment to be like, wow, he's real good at flipping. But then they continue on with their plans. They do, Justin, I'll give you this for a brief second. So even with a complete success in the same. the goal of impressing them so much with my flip that they stop fighting, even with a complete success, I'm given no more than passing notice.

Here's what I will give you for complete success. You do it so gracefully and easily that it confuses them as to where you have just gone. They've lost track of you for a moment. So now they are still facing the wrong way, facing where you were, and they are now going to be stunned for the next round. And not- Hey, guys, I just, I just realized something, dudes. What's that?

I now have concrete proof that pacifism doesn't work. I did that with perfect success, and I didn't achieve my goals. Guys, pacifism doesn't work. I mean, I don't want to sort of... We have concrete proof, dudes. We can both agree that I successfully flip really great, right? No, you did. Well, I did a successful.

flip as good as I possibly could have. Now, hold on. Now, Justin, it was not as good as you possibly could have. It was a success, Travis. It was a success. I successfully impressed it with my flip. But you can get a 70% on a test and still pass, my dude. Hey, listen, Travis, you can have your win, but I'm shifting your narrative.

Okay, right? Yeah, no, I love it. But you win, but pacifism in this world doesn't work. You've communicated that to me, okay? Thank you for clarifying in this world, Justin. I really appreciate your clarification that this is not a reflection of pacifism in our world. But in the world of madness, because robots may or may not have souls in our world.

I'm not going to make that decision. Newton, you are a... Who's left? Among the bad guys. You have a guard to your north and one a little way away from you who is just finished buckling up his pants. It was such a successful pancing. He has really taken his sweet time getting those slats.

It was a good pants. Somehow in the pantsing, his pants ended up backwards. It's a molecular pants. Yeah. Yeah. And then you have two behind the desk. You have the two that were just surprised by the graceful flipping of Lamar. You have two knockdown robots to the north of Lovelace.

Okay. I am going to combine. I don't know if you've ever done this. I'm going to combine a skill to pay the bills and Amando move. I mean, the reason no one's ever done this is because it's explicitly not the rules of the game. Well, I don't see it in front of me. Just hear me out. Your own.

That's inability to see the rules does not constitute the non-existence of a rule. That is doing a sort of like Schrodinger's rule. Also, a little bit like a little kid covering their eyes and now you can't see them kind of thing. Which works. It does. Whoa. I'm going to do everything as a playground where if something could be slid on, swung from, climbed up, or otherwise played upon. this guy can do it.

I'm going to slide across the desk and kind of leap up and come down on the two stunned guys. Okay. And I'm going to yell out a distracting catchphrase. Okay. While attacking. To potentially stun them. So before you give me the catchphrase, I'm going to have you roll. that everything is a playground check.

Whether you succeed or not, you will still have to say the catchphrase. I know. I know. Okay. All right. So give me the 48, everything's the playground roll. And we don't have time to shine dice, right? No, these guys do not need them.

Okay. I have, oh my God. Three sevens. Un-believable. I mean, like, absolutely. I would question roll 20 at this. point, right? Like, yeah, no, I know.

Insane. It's unbelievable. Because I got a good role. I'm screenshed. No, Dad, it's not that. Two triple sevens in the same screen shouldn't happen, man. Yeah, that's, uh, that's the magic of abnibles, my friend.

All right. So, dad. Yes. You, it's like your feet are the 90s hit sensation soaps. Mm-hmm. Where your shoes are allowing you to grind on the edge of the desk. Yeah. Moving with perfect accuracy.

And it's, that kind of like we keep doing a close-up shot on you. And even though the desk is only like, you know, the 10 feet in circumference, you seem to be grinding on it for a good long time, giving you plenty of time to execute the perfect catchphrase. One way or another, you are going to land on these guys. Yep. And you some damage to them.

But now hit me with that classic catchphrase that's going to seal the deal. Slides, the last second, he kind of bumps with his feet. goes up in the air, comes down on them, shell first, and says, I'm going to introduce you to Newton's Law of Gravity. All right. That's so good, Dad. Give me a 5D8 roll for that distracting catchphrase. There we go.

I predict 5-7. And I got a 6, an 8, and a 5. Yeah, man, with 3 successes, you come down. them hard. Shell first. They were already stunned partially by Lamarck's flip and then even more so by your amazing grinding and then you land on them and they just go flying. The concussive force combined with the amazing catchphrase is not only going to stun them for a turn but leave them incapacitated. They are now out of the fight effectively reducing the threat quite a bit. And then the elevator doors open and some high tier security guards enter.

You see four half-man, half rhinoceros security guards in some pretty beefy combat gear. Enter into the room via the elevator. And we are going to jump back to Lyle and Roger. Davey. Did you guys see, like, my closure with my dad? Did you guys see that? Big moment, I thought. Yeah, man. You didn't see it.

You guys weren't even in there for the... No, no, no. I was really thinking about the fighting, man, for sure. Uh, we've, we've felt it. We felt it in our hearts. And you finally rose up and became a man, seal. Seal. It's just... Yeah. Okay, well, I'll... Okay, that's good enough. Yeah. I mean, it's...

I guess it was a personal moment. I remember I could hear everything because, you know, we had our columns on and I, you know, I speak fluent. Yeah. No, I mean, yeah. Yeah, or, or, or, are. You speak to him out. I speak Tim Allen. Yeah, yes.

Do you regret speaking Tim Allen just in general? I doubt there's things in there that human beings were meant to understand. You know, I think in the Santa Claus's phase, maybe it'd be all right because that's a little bit early yeah okay as you make your way to the great leading to the next floor you can hear voices um and like a scent of like disinfectant and like a very industrial kind of sense if you want to give me a butcher's role as i am now considering them to be anybody can take a peek out through the gate and see what you can see but guys how was that to be a rhyming couplet because i don't know that to be a rhyming couplet because

I love it, I didn't mean to be, but I really enjoyed it. Two successes, a five and a seven. Yeah, with two successes, your bug eyes poke up through the great there. You can see that you are in a room filled with hexagonal holding cells.

I hate to be this late, Travis, but they do. Octagonal. Octagonal holding cells. Excuse me, Griffin, you're correct. And you can see only two of them are currently occupied. One contains a, Fairly rough looking former RFCE agent

Joshua Darnett. The other contains chlorophyllus, who you haven't seen in some time. Oh, geez, man. Looking none the worst for wear. There are two guards kind of scratching their head and looking at chlorophyllus in quite a bit of confusion.

They're backs to you. What do you do? Roger is going to try to sneak. Is the room to sneak behind the container that's holding Um, goshwa?

Not to keep it. Yeah. Joshua. Yeah. I mean, not really. The whole thing sells, it's kind of hard to see of the map,

but are like all side-by-side set into the walls. All right, guys, quick huddle, right? We got to leave chlorophylls locked up. Right? We can all agree. No, no.

I actually I feel definitely though Like hey hey Well we can't really talk to her right We'll blow our cover Well I feel a sort of moral obligation To sort of give those RCF guys a heads up I know that they're sort of our enemy right now

But she'll kill them And it's not even like fun like beat their butts Not like a fun sort of Honestly I don't think I don't think the kids should have to listen To whatever chlorophyllus would do to this guy She's like, she is following the rules of like another dimension. And that's, we gotta do something for Joshua though, right?

Yeah, we do at least doing that. Okay, Roger's going to rush right at the two guards. All right. Okay. No, hold on, no, wait, hold on. Hold on. I gotta understand. So, okay, so we're like talking and we're like, all right, we got to come with a plan.

And we just watch Roger go, wha! Like, leaps out. Is that? Okay, perfect. That's what I understand. Make sure I understood. He's going to use scourge of the China shop in close quarters, whirling like a dervish, wrecks everything. Okay, sick.

Give me a 5D.A roll. Except where Coravillus is. Yeah, she's sealed in the containment unit. Like, you would have to actively work to open that up. Give me a 5DA roll, Clint. Oh, my God. Wow. How many practice makes perfect?

Points do I get for a one, a two, a one, a two, and a five. Still just the one point. You are able to make it over to them without being noticed, but you basically impact one of them, knocking him to the side and the other one turns on you. Is he attacking? Yes, but if there's something quick you want to do, you have a... Yes, there is. Not you.

You did your thing. I just have something to say. Let him see it. Oh, excuse me. That's good. It's good, dude, dude. Like it was an accident. Yeah, that's good, man.

That's two hits, one of which is an eight, which cannot be blocked. So you're going to take a point of damage. And the other one got knocked back, so he's stunned for a second. What about the other two of you? Are the other cells in this room? Are they all shut and locked? Does it appear? Give me a bug-eyed roll to check that out.

The bug-eyed roll coming right up. One success. They are all shut, but it's unclear to you whether the locks are engaged or not. All right. I'm going to pop out of the hole and try to restrain the other guard, the one that just attacked. Just sort of wrap my big seal arms around him so that we can have a conversation. Okay Give me a falky boy roll

Okay Yeah I don't really have a ton to help out No that's three successes Or three failures Two three two Uh oh Yeah you attempt to restrain him

But he Turns quickly Doing some tricky maneuvers there And restrain you Oh God I hate when they do that Oh I just watch him flip on the on the map trap that was messed up man so unnecessary that's to show you that he's like what ha ha what and he's got you now oh man it's a shame that there's only two of us who could

try to get in here it's a shame that we're just a pair and we got no one else to help uh I am going to try to stealthfully free gosh would darn it hmm okay

they're very much occupied I'm looking for like the big green release button on a cell I'm going to try to let him out okay I'm going to give you extreme exfiltration role because this environment is in danger yeah

yeah no kidding from me so that's 5d8 I will say it sort of puts it in stark contrast how down on the first floor we are absolutely obliterating a room full of dudes

as the Greenback Guardians and oh man. Man. Yeah, so that's one, it's a triple three. Triple three. Triple three and a seven. A seven and a triple three. And a four.

Good. Good job. So with a mixed success, you are able to hit the green button. on the exterior of the containment unit to pop open the doors. But in doing so, you are grabbed by the other guard. So now, while you are being held, and he's going to attempt to choke you out.

Oh, boy. Okay, okay. If you, when in, I have a Mondo move. Blubber shield. When in reach of a teammate who's received damage from an enemy, Navy Seal can place his big body in harm's way, taking the damage himself instead. So I'm just going to slide my own throat into where he,

I'll just sort of clamber below Axelile and pop upwards and put my own throat in where the choking was going to happen. Okay, great, because that's four damage. You have a damage reduction of one thanks to your body armor. So you only take three points of damage. Oh, can I just say, it's my. neck is huge and it's impressive how you're managing to really get all the way around it. Thanks.

I do yoga. Hey man, I know you've always been self-conscious about your incredible fat neck. And I just want to say this time, your big fat neck saved my life. Yeah. Roger, uh, a little help. You got it. Uh, Roger uses his prehensal power and, uh, uses his tail to bind the, uh, the one attacking.

Okay. Great. Yeah, give me that roll. That's... 3D8. 3D8. Now I'm getting to figure this game out. Mixed success.

An eight and a three. With a mixed success, you're able to pull him away, but he is not restrained. So, Navy, you can breathe once more. Great. And Joshua steps out

of the holding cell, and it's going to attempt to clock the guard to the west. I didn't know which way that was going to swing for a second. Oh, that is absolutely exactly what I expected from Joshua during that. Hey, for that huge, huge flopperoonie, John. Yeah, that's three failures. He's going to absolutely whiff. You can see that he is quite the worst for where maybe just a little bit sleep deprived.

He whiffs and kind of falls past the guard. Guys, these two rank and file security guards are absolutely taking us apart. Upstairs, our elders are laying waste to the stars. I know. And we're down here, like, trying to punch the janitor in his stomach and he keeps back flipping over us. You hear chlorophyllus say through the bars, can you need some help? Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Okay. It just looks like you guys are having a really rough time. Everyone, just look away. And I'm going to try and just like push the guard that is on me backwards, like into the gate, into the door to chlorophyllus's cell. Okay. I'm not going to let chlorophyllus out, but I figure. But you're taking a, but you know where a failure's going to go, Griff.

Yeah, no, for sure. With. No, for sure. Yeah, give me a bulky boy to push that guard back. Or you can do hydro opulsion if you want to like. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll just like, yeah, point the nozzles forwards and open her up. Do you hear the trapey just late?

I cannot believe. Go ahead. Make your roll. Make your roll. I refuse to let fear guide me in my actions. That's a cow bunga. Okay. She, machi, griff.

Yeah, with a cow bonga, he blasts backwards into the iron bar door of this containment unit. And immediately chlorophyllus is on him. And you see from her fingers, like all of the, these vines come out and wrap him against the door and kind of lift him off his feet. I'm really sorry. You were really tough and we couldn't beat you. Honorable warrior. And even though these vines have like completely bound him,

you can still hear him like muffled from within as she starts to like decorate him with little flowers and everything growing. So it looks like he has a smiley face on as he's like very clearly upset inside of these vines. And you get the distinct impression. They're getting tighter. Phyllis. I just want to make sure I'm holding him. No, you've got him.

Is the trachea an important part of the restraining sort of apparatus? Just one. Phyllis, listen. The kids are listening. Oh. So I should, like, make it fun. Quick and quick. All right.

And consume, you gotta consume the body fertilizer style or don't do anything or do nothing. Yeah, like you gotta use

the whole, whole thing, man. Don't let it even go to ways. How's the other security guard looking now that? He's freaked out. Yeah.

Can't imagine why. And starting to back away. I can't have to imagine this is how he thought his day would go. Yeah. Uh-oh, we can't let him get out of here.

Guys, he's creeping. Someone do something. Um, I will I throw Hatchet Man But first I disconnect the blade And throw Hatchet Man at his legs

Just a stick? Wow, really reductive Griffin I think I was pretty clear About what it was happening there I disconnected Hatchet Man's hatchet attachment Right The cutting attachment Because if I miss

I don't want this to be a big deal. Okay, that's all. Is there any chance that the stick or handle of the hatchet is red? Just asking.

Yeah, I mean, it is. It is obviously, yes. Okay. Okay. So I'll throw the hatchet handle attachment at the legs of this guard to try to stop them.

Okay, give me a 48 roll. Come on, Juice. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's four failures. Without the... But that's why, But yike, guys, can we just say that is a two, a three, a three, a two. It's a huge failure.

But it's a very symmetrical. That man's going to keep his feet. Yeah. That man's keeping his feet today. And I'm still a hero because of that, I think. And it's two pair. Without the hatchet attachment, the balance of the throw is way off. It goes flying wide and knocks open the door to the container area, making it easier for him to escape.

Gashua Or Redeem yourself, man This is your chance I've always believed in you, Joshua Despite how many times I have Vocally said that you can't do anything right Your

Your belief sustains me And he's going to charge of the guard An attempt to tackle him Gashua He got Kawabunga, two sixes and a seven Goshwa you did it most. He tackles the guard and almost like roping a calf, right? And one smooth move has like his hands bound and a zip tie behind his back, has his like baton and, uh, and radio removed. And stands up and

goes, time. What do you mean? Were you guys timing? No, man, you didn't say what he should. Oh, 4.7. 4.7. A new record. And he sits down I took it out of either. I just had one thing. This is a one act. I have not slept in like 36 hours, guys. You haven't contributed in 36 episodes. So happy that you finally did something, huh?

Okay, cool, man. Do you want me to cut him loose? No, no, no. Can I tuck him into the cell that gosh was... You absolutely can. And fellows, don't look back. That chlorophyllosis. Yeah, the muffling is getting...

It's wonderful His upset sounds In vernacular it's gnarly I'm gonna walk over and try to get him out I don't want I can't have this on my conscience I think that if we can have a lot of fun here But I think leaving someone to be killed

Is not It's simply not abnimal's stuff So don't leave people around To be choked by plant ladies kids And now you know not making a choice is sometimes making a choice in and of itself. Might I suggest Griffin? Yeah.

Blasting her with the splashout. Yeah, I was thinking, I say, Phyllis, I know you're probably struggling without water and sunlight and nutrients. Yeah, I know that that guy will probably give you some nutrients. What if I give you some water instead? Will you let him go? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, deal.

Okay. You wouldn't happen to have, like, a sun lamp or anything. would you? Sunlap. Let me check my inventory. My inventory is completely empty. Oh, geez. I have nothing, Phyllis.

But I can try to blast a hole in the wall for, like, sunlight to come in through. Oh, that would be amazing. Oh, wait. There's just a window here. I open the window. Wish we'd seen that before. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, window plus water. I think we'll do it. Okay. Yeah, I water chlorophyllus. And I would like to put the guard in the other, the cell with the guy that. Yeah, the vines released from the garden. He says, the things I've seen. Yeah.

Uh, uh, um, please lock me away from her. Yes, you're, you'll be in here. Phyllis, we will definitely send someone for you. And I hope you get the help you need. That's it. That's it. That was the end of it.

That's it. That's the whole message. Okay. Well You can see The Axelaw goes over and checks the lock

Well we're done Yeah she's secured in there Okay good I just want to double Okay good All right You see another great You assume leading to the next level

Over in the Southeast corner And Gashra says I don't know That I'll be much help If I go with you but I can if you want

or if there's something I share those same concerns gosh Why don't you keep an eye on chlorophyllus I have this like pit in my stomach feeling that chlorophyllus is going to be our arch rival like next season so if you could just keep an eye on that

and make sure that she doesn't escape because that she scares the crap out of me yeah and like if she has someone to blame at this point I'm pretty sure that is fully shifted to us Yeah. Okay. And then she'll team up with something.

You can count on me. I promise. I'll keep her in herself. Oh, no. You're going to beef it, but that's fine. We have both other fish to fry. Let's go. And you make your way through the grape.

Let's jump back down to the RCF lobby. The big rhino men. Charge at the closest one. That's going to be you, Loveless. Um, that sucks. Yeah, attempting to plow right into you. All right. So, that's good.

Honestly, it's been getting complicated controlling two characters, so, um... Yeah. I mean, this may be it, gang. Let's see. Um, oh, wow. Okay, so the first one, it's four hits. What's your damage reduction? Two.

As Loveless. Okay, yeah. So you're going to take two damage on that one. Okay. And then the second one is five hits. And I block two. And you block two. So that's three damage on them.

Loveless goes down. I'm at zero. Wait, wait, wait. Human Tortoise shield is an ability that I have, one of my mono moves that I'd love to deploy right now. Go for it. I mean, I'd love that too. If I'm within 10 feet of an ally when they're attacked,

he can attempt to place himself between them and the attacker, taking the attack on himself. The symmetry of this moment I really like. It's a beautiful moment. It's beautiful. Okay, yeah, give me 68. Oh, my God, I've never seen so many green dice before. Good Lord.

Wow! Yeah, man. That, including a Calabonga, you got a 7, a 5, and 8, a 6, and a 6. Jeez. Like the flipping wind, you are able to jump between the second attacker and Loveless, and your damage reduction is four. So you take one hit, but mostly from the concussive impact on your shield.

Guys! And in fact, with that cowabunga, I'm going to say that two of the damage is reflected back at the rhino, who kind of takes that impact on himself upon, like, bouncing off the shield. Excellent. Where do I end up?

Guys, I was wrong. Pacifism does work. Where do I end up after? Well, it's a mixed bag actually is where I'm at right now. Sometimes you've got to be a pacifist. And sometimes you don't. You are bounced back into the area of the kind of semicircular desk here with a one between you.

Yeah. Okay. With these two non-rhinel. No guards. Correct. Who are out, right? Are they knocked out? No, those two are still in.

I get knocked back like sort of into those two and I look at one and I say, hey, hold this for me? And I hand him from my chemistry belt a little ticking bomb and I'm going to duck out of the way as it goes off and splats out a bunch of sticky glue foam. Yes! Okay, give me a 5D8 roll. Three successes, 8, 5, and a 7. Yeah, with three successes, you are able to pull this off with a plum.

The two of them are stuck to the ground with a sticky glue foam, and it lands upon their feet, pinning them to the ground. Okay, great. I'm going to look at, uh, I'm going to look at Lamar and be like, uh, you got this, right? Like all the rhinos? You're good, right? Yeah, I'll just let them keep hitting me, man.

Okay, great. No, wait, that's the other guy. Hold on. Yeah, I'll just let him keep hitting me. Okay, great. I'm going to use shell cover, can pull limbs and head into shell to try to avoid attacks and other threats. Loveless being sort of the brainiest of the greenback guardians, I think kill him once. Shame on you.

So I'm going to take a defensive position here, if that's okay. Okay, so we're going to hold on that and say that you've done that, and then you'll roll the 3D8. If I am a attack. When the damage is done, yeah, to see what you can deflect. Newton, you stand from having used your concussive shell force to knock out some dudes. You can see these four rhino guards to the north, two of them directly on the mar. The other two kind of spread out more behind them. And it is your turn.

What do you do? Are the two robot guards still in play? They are. They're knocked down. They're kind of struggling. Like, appropriately, turtles on their backs. Okay. Newton's going to use breakdancing.

To use his shell, an extremely thick skull. He's real good at smashing stuff up and just crash right into the two rhinos. Okay. Which two rhinos? The ones that are attacking Lamar? Yes. Okay, that's the 68 roll? Yes, it is.

Gosh, I've got to have... What's some good breakdancing? music. No, you can't have a second character that required music to do something. Well, you wrote the description, pal. Yeah, no, I actually just texted Matt Mercer and he said you're not allowed to do that. Okay, all right. Four successes.

Two six and eight and a five. Yeah, with the Cowbungie, you slam into the two on Lamar, like spinning the whole way. You pop open your head. You're doing some amazing break dancing moves that any break-out. fan would be proud of. With that success, you knock them both away, giving you and Lamar some room to maneuver. Let's jump back up to the other boys.

You find yourself in a fancy executive washroom. Now we are talking. There's a little like tray of mints and mouthwash. on the sinks. You see like warm towel dispensers. There's a shower. There's a couple different urinals and toilets, including toilets specially designed to accommodate any animal with all 16 attachments.

I mean, Roger grabs a handful of the mints and puts him in his pocket. Gosh, I need to stop giving Dad a chance to just scrounge. Yeah. You got to remember, Trave, you're playing. like a role-playing game and dad's playing an adventure game. You know what I mean? Like, you're in the story.

Dad's just like picking up whatever forks and cups. He can get his hands on. He might combine those mints with a pulley and a rubber chicken. And then use that to disarm a nuclear bomb. I know, Justin. Yeah, he knows. LucasArts presents. No one understands it.

But the question is why. He's McWiver. Is there a shower in here? There is. Okay. We've been crawling through events for a while. I'd say, I'm going to just freshen up real quick because, like, I don't know, if this is going to be like a big standoff, like a big hero moment and make the news, like, I want to be my best.

So I'd like to hop in the shower real quick. And I guess I can just kind of use the splash pack and just like open her up for like four seconds to just like really, really detail myself. Anybody else want to use the bathroom or powder the nose or take a shower? anything. I have a bad history in restrooms so far in this game and I don't think I'm ready to

release. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not ready to release. Hey guys, I just need a second to moisten up. And I'm just going to moisten up. Yeah. My skin has to stay pretty moist. Do you want to conserve water by hopping in the shower with Navy or wait your turn? No, I'd rather be in the sinks. I'd rather use the sinks.

Okay. Two sinks. At the same time to moisten up. When I'm moistened up, I usually prefer two sinks at once for moistening. Okay, then Roger's going to take a sneak peek outside. Just going to look through it. I'm glad you didn't take a sneak peek and be moistening up. You would not have liked what you saw. I had to add on to the rest of that sentence to save my mind.

Just to kind of... Sunshine. I'm going to do the butcher block. And like you said... No! It's not right then. But your paper? Butcher. Just a butcher.

Just a quick butcher. Okay, I'm going to do a butcher just to see what the scene is outside. Okay, I don't see any skills that I'd help you with this. So just a 2D8 roll. 3D8 roll. One and a one. How are we looking out there, Raj? I don't see a pool.

You can't get the door open. You're like pulling on it and it's a push door. And by the time you figure it out, the other. The other two are done with their freshening up. I would say two ones. I ought to get two practice makes perfect. Nope, just the one. All right.

Do we get anything for freshening up? You feel good about yourself. Okay, great. It might come into play later. We'll see. Okay. All right. Listen.

Are we on the top floor? Can we tell? Is there another? Okay. This is the executive floor. Gang. I just want you to do. to know that being a part of this team has really helped me figure a lot of stuff out.

And I know that we're about to go into a pretty messy situation that is, if I'm being completely honest, definitely above our pay grade. But I wouldn't want to do that kind of heroic final mission with any two other animals. You guys are good eggs. And I'm ready to face the unknown with y'all. Lyle probably was an egg at some point. Isn't that the way it works with? Well, well, yeah. Wait.

Do axolotles come out of eggs? I mean, they do in Minecraft. I don't remember because I was like a baby, you know? Yeah. So I don't remember. Do you remember them for your words? Do you remember the moment of your birth, Roger? Because that's fascinating if so.

Um, actually, I do. It's very spiritual. My mother was a herford and, you know, all the herfords gathered. No, I don't remember any of it. Okay. So not super germane to the moment. And, uh, just let's do our best out there, guys. It's all we can do, right?

You have become a natural leader, my friend. Oh. And do you make your way? Owl? Um, I mean, can I, can I? Do you mind if I, hey, listen, I do not want to be the type of guy that, like, has to, you feel like I have to check your work, but do you mind if I have a quick butcher's outside just to, like, sort of confirm your own, your own butcher's just to double down on it? Well, I was kind of piling up the failure points, but take your shot. Yeah, I would love to look through this door before we go through it.

Okay, go for it. Cowbunga, 7-7. Yeah, with a cowbunga, you can see the whole office. It's going to move us over there, so you can see what we're looking at. So here you can see an executive, very fancy office, the main section of which is quite large. Opposite which you see a room separated off by three glass doors that are all currently closed. Inside you see carvers strapped to a hospital bed with lots of. of machinery scanning him, an IV that is connected into his forearm.

But you also see what has a similarity to almost like a dialysis or like something that someone would use for like plasma collection, kind of pumping in and out. There's some monitor set up in there, a couple different tables with different, you know, equipment and stuff on it. Otherwise, the office is unoccupied, but you can also see behind the desk taking up almost the entire wall to the north an aquarium. So your kind of general geography of the building would let you know that this area is about a third of the top floor, and then the aquarium behind it takes up the other two thirds of the top floor with a giant glass partition separating. the office from this huge saltwater aquarium teeming with life. Above us or behind? I'm above the office or behind the office, you said. Yeah, the north wall of the office.

Okay. Yeah. So. Do we see any other people in here? No, otherwise unoccupied. All right, this is our chance. Let's get him, free him, regroup with the other guardians, and get the heck out of here. Roger, we'll follow your lead, man.

Very well. Roger is going to Just before going through the door Hmm We already know he sucks It's what you're blocking I mean we know exactly what's in that room

Yeah he got a cowabunga What's in that room is what I told you Okay Roger makes his way over to the Cell and examines How the how the door is locked checks the mechanism Yeah, so without having to roll, I mean, you can see it clearly that there's like a key card swipe and a number panel next to it that it is, it seems to be secured with some kind of like code or, you know, a key card would get you in there as well.

Would the haliccar hack work to get past all that? You could try. I will try. I will try the Halicar Hack. Pull out the pocket watch with a little cow face on it. Connect to the device. And I am going to use two-time to shine dice. Wow.

Excellent. That's a 5D8 roll to open this door. Guys, I'm really tense about this. I'm very nervous. Yeah, can I, as this is going down, can I take up sort of a Overwatch Pips? position like here by the door just in case anyone does kind of try to come in to now that I see that we've sort of got the all clear I would like to sort of like be in position in case anyone

else tries to come in through the south entrance here yeah go for it okay okay juice do you want to position yourself somewhere I'm in front of the aquarium okay blending in perfectly with the aquarium that is wow that is a heck of a roll mac yeah seven eight five seven yeah with But for successes, including a cowbonga, you are able to hack in definitely into the security system here and the doors slide open. The light remains green and this kind of medical area is now open to you. While I'm plugged in, while Roger is plugged in, is there any way that he can use this computer interface to check? on the, all the things that are plugged in to, uh, I think since you got a cowabunga, if you want to roll again, you can, but the security system is not inherently connected to the medical system.

So it's only going to be 3D8 to check. Okay. Wow. Two sixes. Yeah. So with another cowabunga, you are able to tap into the, medical system as well going through a complicated system of wires and diodes and whatnot. God, Travis, your hacking lingo is like...

Yeah, man, you go through all the vacuum tubes, all the neon pipes. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And it's like in Bioshock where you have to connect the tubes together to make the thing flow through, yeah, you hack it real good. And you get a full readout that they're at like 95% of dissecting. whatever this combination of radiation and chemicals in Carver's DNA is, that they are preparing the final test. But you are also, you get a readout detailing the latest test, and that

combined with just now that the doors are open, you can see a glowing green burrito sitting on a table to the north of Carver in this clinical room labeled a test version 52 and a note in the medical record showing that they're getting close with this, but this only provides a beef up for an hour. Is that a burrito in there? Oh, sorry, no. Can you get Carver out of there, Roger? we're like in defensive positions.

Yes, I think I can. Let me disconnect him and then I'll just wheel him out. Great idea. What kind of condition is he in? Is he out of it? Not great, but it seems to be, and you found this out through hacking the medical records there, that that IV that he's hooked up to is a combination of saline and a drug that is keeping him sedated. I'm going to disconnect him and just wheel him back.

back out into the main part of the office. You pull the sensors and IV from him. And somewhere in the building, not too far away, you can hear some alarms start to be. Okay, that's the, hey, should we grab that magic burrito also? Because it looks pretty crazy. I'm surprised I haven't grabbed it already. Yeah, I was going to say, I just assumed you would grab the magic burrito, what with your proclivity for grabbing stuff.

Actually, I'm going to take the burrito and throw it. Can I throw it to Axelile? Because my hands are going to be pretty full moving the bed. Maybe if there's one thing I could do, it's catch a burrito. Okay. Do I have to do a move for that, Trab, or can I just toss it? I'm going to say you, as funny as it would be for you to fail and smack him in the face with a glowing green irradiated magic burrito.

I'm going to say that you are able to toss it with little effort. Okay. And we are able to wheel Carver into here. And you hear footsteps coming from down the hallway. Sorry, do I have the burrito now? Yeah. You have the burrito now. Okay.

Do I have to roll for thrall? No. But you do know that this is, this burrito looks almost identical to the burrito from the Greenback Guardian's origin story. exactly what they are trying to recreate here. And the door slides open to the office, revealing the walrus. And it is none other than billionaire philanthropist, Walter Russell.

What? What? What a turnaround! Wait, from before? Hey, man, hey. Walter Russell. Why didn't I put it together earlier? Friends, I beg if you don't spoil this twist for your fellow Taz Abinables fans, please do not reveal this secret.

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