The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 27: A Walrus Among Us!

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

The abnimals reel in the shocking reveal of who was behind all of the kidnappings and robberies this whole time – and they have some tricks up their sleeves to give the heroes the fight of their lives!Abnimals Theme by Justin McElroy, Eric Near (https://bit.ly/ericnearmusic) and Jonathan Coulton (https://www.jonathancoulton.com/).Additional Music in this Episode: "Neptune" by Joseph R. Lilore: https://josephlilore.com'; "Blood in the Water", "Courage My Love", and "This Could Get Dark" by Mr. Smith: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSk2j0fTMw9V94UGyfWrSuA?; "Task Man" by Gamesharkoff: https://gagmesharkoff.bandcamp.com/; "Psychedelic" by Echo Fury: https://m.soundcloud.com/j87-222544563; "Demolition" by 1st Contact: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/1st-contact/; and "Quickening" by malictusmusic: https://www.malictusmusic.com/.National Immigration Project: https://nipnlg.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Bill is long as long as strong of our powers We're at the height of our powers We're at the height of our power Billion of our power Billioner Billioner If you're doing wrong

But our mojo is strong And unless I'm wrong And I'm not We're at the height of our power Billionaire philanthropist Walter Russell No The Walrus

Still Absolutely Absolutely insane. Lyle looks at him and says, All right, man. What's he doing to you? How is he controlling you? What does he have on you that he's making you do this?

That would explain it, wouldn't it? Yes. Well, before we do anything else, Navy, I want you to roll to see if you haven't spotted. Now, you don't necessarily have anything, but this was like kind of a prepared action for you. Yeah, I set up Overwatch here. what do you want me to roll?

So normally it would be two D8, but I'm going to give you three D8 since like you were intentionally hiding and preparing. Okay, I will roll that to see how my stealth is. I'm not sure Navy would blast billionaire philanthropist Walter Russell on site. Yeah, I accidentally rolled twice because I couldn't see the result,

but both are the same two successes, one failure. Okay, with two successes, Yeah, he strolls in past you and you don't get any indication that he clocked you as it came in. Maybe there's like a potted plant there that you are able to hide your bulky boy. A gigantic potted plant. And plus he has a lot to look at here with Roger wheeling the unconscious carver in a hospital bed and Lio up against the aquarium here. I'm going to try to stay behind this, again, simply just gig it Chad, Monstera. Yeah, he posts about it on all the forums, really proud of his Monsera.

Yeah, I make myself- Considering there's no natural light coming in here, so you're like, hmm. I suck my blubber in and become sort of palm-shaped, sort of bonsai shape. Don't go change him. Yeah, you're right. He looks at you, Lyle, and like a bemused smirk comes across his face. He goes, who's control? Oh, you mean the walrus? Yeah, man.

I am the walrus. Go-go-cachu. Sorry, I had something stuck in my throat. And you got a little yellow mellow custard dripping from that dead dog's eye, too. Gross. Daddy, I just, you just, you. This old guy stuff he threw out sometimes

He said go go Coochooob Yeah but we don't know The rest of it is The real big hits of Beatles You know what I mean Our generation We only know like a talks worth

Like one TikTok I didn't even say all of TikTok Because I don't have the time Yeah sure I'm not gonna say anything Until it is time to strike Okay Mr. Moore

Please be so kind as to return Carver To the hospital bay and broke him back up before I have you arrested. Very well. And Roger turns and starts wheeling him back into that room. Okay, cool. Thank you for that.

Mm-hmm. And... That's a new strategy for us here on Taz, is obeying the villain. And while... What's Carver's status right now? Unconscious. Like, has been...

been, you know, pumped with something from the IV that he was hooked up to that was keeping him sedated. He is now disconnected from that, but it is still in his system. And as Roger takes, starts wheeling him back into that room

and using his body as cover, he's going to force-feed the pizza down Carver's throat. Okay. Excellent. While he's doing that, Um, Lyle's gonna pretend to eat the radioactive burrito as a distraction. Oh, that's good.

Okay. Lyle, give me, let's see. Yeah, give me, um, the burrito in itself is a very distracting prop. Give me a 3D8 roll. Wow. That's a Calabunga baby. That's the greatest role I've ever had, and it's to pretend to eat. eat a burrito.

Thank you. It's a 6-5-5. Thank you, Gary. Thank you, where you are. Can you describe for us what this, pretending to eat the burrito looks like? Trav, I got a 6 and a 5 and a 5.

I think the burrito splits in twain. It's both consumed and not consumed. So convincing is the illusion of it that there are still people to this day that swear, swear that that burrito was eaten. That's how convincing it is.

We're talking David Blaine levels of like, as far as you could tell, like, there's crumbs. How are there crumbs? Where do you get crumbs? Here's what I'll give you to for that cow bunga. He is fully convinced that you've eaten this burrito. And when you have in your back pocket a reveal that you didn't eat the burrito, and that is going to have an impact on him at some point.

What is his reaction? What is his reaction? Yeah. Oh, he moves towards you about halfway across the office at his death and says, No, don't! Oh, well, that is very unfortunate, axelight. Okay, and I start, like, flexing, just sort of testing the waters? He falls back.

And you can tell that he is concerned. Good. And he moves to his desk. I thought you were going to say moves to his death. I was so excited. Yeah, he just out of pure fear, he dies. Awesome. He dies of fear.

Yeah. I don't want to pull too much focus. Can we go back to, I was just trying to make a distraction. I don't want to make this all about me. I don't want to pull from the main narrative over there. All right. Well, with that success on Lyle's distraction, you have free ring. Tell me down, pizza.

to Carver. I think kind of wave it under his nose a little bit to see if that gets any kind of reaction, you know, like smelling salts. Oh, it immediately does. His turtle nostrils flare, and you can almost see, like, that rapid eye movement underneath his lids, and it's, like, kind of the first kind of activity you're registering. Okay. And I lean close to his ear.

Wait a minute. Do turtles have ears? It's a membranous, like, drum where the skin is pulled tight over it, but they don't have external flaps. Okay. And I didn't have to look that up. I just know that. So he kind of leans down close and says. Man, I hope that's right.

I think it is. Yeah. Okay. And he says, uh, open up, Carver. Here comes the. Moo, moo, choo. And he, and he moves the pizza towards Carver's mouth. it opens somewhat.

I mean, it's definitely having an effect on him. You see him like, and chushy, and start, like, biting on the pizza. And you see, like, his muscles starting to, like, twitch, and his fingers start to move. And that is when the walrus moves moves to his desk

in a panic having seen Lyle very believably consume this burrito and he says well this is definitely going to impact the reset value of this building and he slams his fist down on a button on the desk

and the wall of the aquarium starts to lower from the top spilling salt water into the office. This seems like the perfect time to spring my trap. Go for it. I'm kidding. I think that maybe five seconds

ago would have been a better time to spring my trap. But they always say like the best time to spring your trap is five seconds ago and the second best time is right now. I'm going to you know, I could blast him with water, but it seems like that is a result that he would not find unfurts. favorable, given his recent choices.

I'm going to wrap my arms around him, and I'm going to grab hold of his tusks, trying to kind of, like, restrain him in admittedly a pretty gnarly way, but you got to use what you got. You do, indeed. So that is my action. So you do have bulky boy. No. Yeah.

Yes. You do have Balky Boy, which is going to make you better at this. He is also... Oh, for sure. These are two thick kings, Travis. And he is, I would say, not like significantly bigger than you, but he's bigger than you. Yeah, but I got more heart, you know? That is true.

So you have 3D8 and Balky Boy. He has 48 to resist. I'll take a time to shine dice just to kind of even the odds a little bit here. Okay, so 48 to 48. That sucks. That's a Kalbunga from you. That sucks. That is not a Kalbunga for me.

That is one success and three failures, two of which are ones. So I did have the element of surprise. Yeah, you did. So I'm going to give you an advantage. His still stands, but you can roll twice. Still going to... Oh, Kho! 7-7-8-5.

Four successes, including a Kalbunga. Who can be against us when Gary is with us? He had... Travis made this game. Gary Gygax did not make this game. I actually made it in spite. I made it in spite of Gary Gygax. Yeah.

This is, Gary Gygaggs would not approve of what I've done here. So far from Gary's light. Yeah. So Griffin, to lay it out for the audience, the walrus, out of his four dice, got a seven, a seven, a seven, and an eight. You rolled four dice and got a seven, a seven, and a five. Yes. breaking the tie on the Cowabunga and giving you a purchase on those tuss. So now you guys are like locked in a struggle, but you have the upper hand.

Yeah. And you have managed to like, you are like, think of it like a bucking bronco, right? But you're on there, right? So you have the upper hand. Is the door behind us that Walter Russell came from? through. Is it still open or did it seal when he pressed this button? It's sealed when he pressed the button. So water is beginning

to fill this chamber right now. It is about like six inches deep and over the top of the aquarium wall that is now pouring over water five shapes swim up to the tongue

and come over the top. Okay, so five combatants have just come over the top here and landed in like, you know, kind of superhero poses, but villains. Oh, yeah. Imagine that. Working together?

Yeah. And how comfortable do they seem to be on land, Treff? Um, varying degrees. These are Manta Ray Romano, Pit Bull Shark, Eo McDonough, Nicole Squidman, and C, and Ceele, Snake Gyllenhawnall. So my question is this. Did you, was the size of this supervillain team

solely determined by how long your list of unscratched out celebrity. That has to be it, right? It was like, I have five left. Yeah, let's get them out. When we wrap this session. Everyone, clear the storage unit.

You're all coming with me. You get to just file that big notebook of names away. Man, I wish I was true. But the real thing is I thought of Manor Ray Romano. Yeah. And I was like, well, it can't just be one.

Yeah. So I had to think up for other ones. What people don't realize, I think, is that one of our main diseases, I think, is having these thoughts and feeling like, this can't stop with me. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you thought that and you thought, like, the universe has brought this to me, and it would be, you can't just keep it to yourself.

Well, that's what inspiration is, Justin. I mean, it is, right? It's a burden, too, as much as it is. is a privilege, you know? Yeah, when the universe delivers you a man to Reit Romano. You didn't ask for that? Yeah. That big magic?

And if I tried to keep that inside, I worry that it would burn me out from the inside out. You know what I mean? That kind of fire. No, no, no. We're here to dance in the fire, baby. That's what we're here for. We're made to play. We're not supposed to be standing outside the fire as guards.

That's right, baby. I say into Walter Russell's here. Call off your pet buddies here. Stop flooding this room because one of us is a cow. And if you don't, I'm going to hurt your body. He bristles and says, They are not my buddies. They're my goons.

How dare you? And that is his kind of main frustration with you, implying that he would have some kind of relationship with his underlings. Okay. And since Snake Gyllenhaal is right next, next to you, Axelial. He is going to attempt to curl himself around you and squeeze, while Nicole Squidman is going to move undulatingly towards you, Navy, and try to pull you off. I don't like that. Manta Ray Romano doesn't have legs.

Hey, Tram, I'm sorry. I disagree. I think Manoran Ramano has huge legs. I smell a spin-off. Oh, thank you. We'll see. And the water is not currently deep enough for him to propel himself forward. So he's just scooching on the ground.

Great. Pitbull Shark, though, is going to start to charge towards Roger. So, and E. McDonough lowers himself under the desk and kind of lays flat in the water. and you lose track of him. How high is the ceiling in this room? 10 feet. Okay.

Not a significant height then. So let's resolve. Axelio. Yeah. You are being constricted by Snake Gyllenhaal. That doesn't seem fair. What do you do? Um,

to describe Snake Gyllenhaal in excruciating detail for me. I'm trying to picture some limbs and stuff. Give me a... Oh, no limbs. This is like Boa Constrictor, very large, like, let's say Anaconda body, with a Jake Gyllenhaal-esque head with snake eyes and fangs. Okay. Now, don't cut him in half because then he'll turn into two snake Jillen Halls.

That is how that works. That's not how that... One of them will be Maggie. No, he would grow two snake Jillenhall heads. Right, right. Okay. And he's constricting me? Yes.

Hmm. Travis, I'm using my lungs. I can manually activate my lungs to breathe in almost any environment. And I think that that includes when a snake's trying to crush me. So I'm going to use my incredible breathing abilities to try to explode Snake Jillenhall. Okay. Can I say that the phrase my incredible breathing abilities to describe somebody breathing in air?

Yeah. Is one of the best things I've ever heard in my heart. Sure, sure. And yet. And yet. And yet. The dice don't lie. Yeah. And yet a mixed success. The strength of Snake Gyllenhawn takes you off your feet. You're not damaged yet, but the two of you entwined together roll upon the ever-deepening salt water on the floor of the office. and Nicole Squidman is going to try to pull you Navy off of Walter Russell.

I mean, I'm a pretty bulky boy. Yeah, give me a bulky boy roll to resist her tentacles. Okay. That's a mega-calabunga, my friend. Wow. Okay, yeah, with a mega-cabunga, I'm going to let you choose what you, like, she's grabbing at your boots, right, while you're holding on. Can I just, I reflectively, like, as she's trying to pull me off of Walter Russell, like, flex,

and it's like, I think impressive in an attractive way. And there's an element of like, wow, this is, it's like when Batman punches Superman and his chin doesn't move. There's an element of like, it's like you're trying to pull, you know, a stone column down. And I think that there's a, there is a spark there. And for maybe that's probably a little confusing Because then he has to start kind of thinking about Is it the tentacle thing? Is it like what's what is the

There's a spark for both of you? There's a spark with twixt you. I think in this situation I think there is a And with a mega-cabunga, I do think that this could be the beginning of a beautiful love story. Okay.

But it is we are, I recognize sort of heat of the moment. I just kind of wanted to set some of the pretense here. And with a sparkle in our, I and Nicole Squidman looks up at you and says Would you like to go to the movies sometime? Yeah, but let me finish

Um, let me Sorry, I've never, no one's literally No one's ever asked me that. Um, yes, this is why we go to the movies. Hey, well, quick guys. Well played, sir. Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, that sounds, uh, great.

I take it, I have to get two tickets. Um, don't worry. I have connections. Okay. Yeah, that sounds good. Please don't try to remove me from him because this is like a pretty climactic moment. Anything for you, my bulky boy.

Amazing, amazing, amazing. Griffin, I'm going to give you one more thing with that mega-calabunga and complete success. Having like so easily deflected Nicole Squidman and kind of looking around at the makeup of these combatants, these don't appear to be like the fully natural abnambals that you have experienced up to this point. They don't seem to be an even combination of like human and animal, right?

These... Okay, I was wondering why there's a snake with Jake Gyllenhaal's head that does seem to kind of go against convention. Mm-hmm. Okay. I take note of that. Roger? Yes. So with Carverback in the infirmary, Pitbull Shark runs to pull you back and kind of tries to body flam you down into the water.

What do you do? Well, I believe Roger is going to exercise his wango-bango tango. When someone grabs Roger or attempts to grab him, he can counter-grab an opponent and put them into a disorienting spirit. in. This seems extremely practical in the moment. Give me a... I love it. I love it, Dad.

Give me a 5D8 roll for that Mondo move. All right. Here we go. Five and a five. Oh, yeah. You got two successes out of that, but it is a cowbonga. So you spin him,

and he goes spinning into the infirmary, and then you see him stand there for a second, Woozy, and then come. I'm flying back, laid out as Carver is standing in the doorway of the infirmary, pulling sensors off of his body and chewing on the crust of the pizza. A little bit woozy, but also looking, I would say, pretty itching for a fight. He is pretty.

Thank you. Okay, so now it's all y'all's turn. Now that you fended off these attacks, the water is about a foot deep at this point. You can see Manta Ray Romano is now able to move himself through the water. Not quite at the speed you would expect yet, but he is definitely more mobile than before. What's going on in tank side with the water level? Like, is it just a big empty room in there? No, as the kind of glass on the front of the aquarium is slowly lowering down,

it's twice the size of the room that you're in. Oh, so it's going to flood and kill us. Well, no, it's going to flood and kill exactly one person in this room. One person in this room, and unfortunately it is our dad. All right. I got it now. I can visual it. The button that Walter pressed to start this flooding. Is it just like a big red button on top of the desk? Does it seem like I can just hit it again to roll the windows back up?

There's a panel of buttons. And before you ask, unlabeled. God, he's the worst. Okay, I already kind of gave him the ultimatum and it didn't work. So instead, I'm going to... to, Nicole Squidman has released me, right? Yes. But not from her heart.

Great. I am going to point all of my splashpack thrusters behind me, and I'm going to try to blast forward with Russell into the desk, hoping that maybe if I crush the desk and maybe the, and I do was it Jelly Roll Morton who's the jellyfish guy

at the back of the room? Oh, Eel McDonough Eel McDonough Yeah your second Neil to Eel pipeline Fantastic Maybe a bit derivative But we'll take it

I'm going to I'm gonna just kind of derivative of himself I'm gonna just Meditations on a theme And they didn't discuss it Before Hand Griven You know there's more than one

Like Patrick or John in the world That's a good point So I'm gonna blast forward I'm going to try to kind of just sort of squish the walrists and the desk and Il-McDunna up against the aquarium wall. And just kind of want to see what happens after that. So you're doing hydro propulsion? Yes. Yes.

Okay. So 5D8. Okay. Wow. Now, sometimes you don't get a good one. So that's a one, two, three, four, eight. So it makes success. So with it makes success

You are able to kind of propel yourself forward And it Like The walrus His like chest Hits against the desk Yeah And like

Sort of knocks the wind out of him a bit You can hear him like Right as he bends over it And so you have definitely like winded him I told you You're on the pain train right now And you're gonna hit your final destiny shoes You don't roll up that dang aquarium window

And then That means death I'll kill you I will kill you That's murder pal You feel a hand grip your ankle And an electric shock

Goes through your body As Eo McDonough Hits you with three successes Wait he's on the other side of the freaking room Man. Well, he, you lost track of him as he slammed down in the water under the desk. And he has just like tasered your leg. Not great.

So I will give you the option here of either taking three damage or losing your grip on the walrus. It's two damage for my one damage reduction. Oh, it's trading. So I mean, sheesh. I do have nine hits. points also. I'm going to take the damage. I'll take the damage. That leaves me with four hit points, which is not amazing, but I don't want to lose control of the walrus, because that's kind of the only thing I got going on for me right now, aside from the kindling of new romance.

Indeed. Lyle, you are rolling around in the water constricted by Snake Gyllenhaal. Yeah. What do you do? Uh, yeah, man. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to, uh... Lyle is freaking out because he's constricted and he really hates that. And he's a squishy guy and he doesn't like that. So Lyle very impulsively

tries to grab Hatchet Man so he can cut off his own limbs and escape. Okay. You feel a tingle in your brain. as Freggler's power of limitless foresight activates. And you hear maybe the voice of the nuns that helped train you and raise you say Maybe try chopping snake Jilline all instead.

Maybe just chop the snake. Maybe just chop the snake. I'm going on the lawn. I'll chop the snake. I'll chop the snake. That's what I would do. I mean, you know, do your own thing. But wait, okay, so now I've, okay, now I'm back in, now I'm back in the memory.

Okay, I'm way back. But sister, like, I'm confused. You've always said that hatchet, man, can only be used as a tool. Are you, are you saying that sometimes it's okay to use them like a weapon? Yeah, man. Like, it's a hatchet, man. Not maybe as far, but, like, if you find yourself in a scenario where you're being, and I crushed to death and death?

And it's like a life or death thing, man. Like, all I'm saying is, if you ever, hypothetically, find yourself in a position where you're being constricted to death. And your option is to use Hatchet Man as a tool to attack someone else or cut your own limbs off, which you might need in the upcoming battle. Maybe think twice about how to proceed.

Bad news from God, Snake Gyllenhaar. anything's a drum to use my axe as a weapon. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. And I'm going to use a time to shine dice. And I'm going to give you an extra dice too, Justin.

I don't need it. I got two sixes. With Kawabunga, you impacts Nick Jillon Hall with a hatchet man. Not quite like clean cut. but he is wicked unhappy releases you and scurries away to try to regroup but he is in a bad way and roger you find yourself side by sard with a seething slightly woozy carver over um the currently on his back, but struggling to get up, Pit Bull Shard.

As Manta Ray Romano, you see comes zooming towards your feet. Okay. How close is Romano? Is he close enough to attack me on his next move? Correct. Well, I can't help it. I have something in mind. I'm going to prepare an action. Yeah, that's one of my favorite, like, summary of Clint McElroy. I can't help that.

I can't help it. I can't help it. Because I already had an idea. I did. What am I going to do? Not do the idea I was thinking of. I love that. I'm going to do my idea. Can't out with him.

Can't out with him. It's a burden. I'm going to do my idea. I'm going to use. That's going to be on your tombstone. Go on. I had an idea. I'm going to do my idea.

I'm going to use my mortar and pestle. Oh my God. In the word. of me. I'm using my mortar and pestle to do something. Do I... For those of you who may have forgotten, dad tends to pick up stuff in video games and I made a joke. I think back in Scuz's like layer maybe that they were like mortar and pestle around and dad took one and I regretted it.

But now I'm excited to find out how dad's going to use a mortar and pestle in this situation. I don't think he knows. I know. That's what's me. I know. So that's what I'm doing. I am going to, he's going to use the mortar and pestle to grind up the mints he picked up. Just a quick use,

so in a very Lucasard style, use mortar and pestle on mince. Yes. Okay. But you don't know what's supposed to happen. Is that what you're saying? Oh, I know what's supposed to happen. I know what's going to happen.

And then what happens. So I use the mortar and pestle. and I grind up the mints. Okay? Okay, once again, the mints that I think you got from the executive washroom. Right. And I pour those ground-up mints into the bottle of orbits, seltzer water. He's doing it.

Uh-huh. And then I toss the fizzing, almost ready to explode bottle into Manta Ray Romano's mouth. So it's sort of a mintosin diet. Coke situation that you've engineered. Yes. Amazing. Okay. All right.

The pride that I feel that you have used, not one, not two, but three pieces of weird detritus that you have picked up in this game as a functional. Oh, I was going to use a fourth. Okay. But I didn't think it would fit the theme of the show. I was going to grind up the painkillers and put them in there, too. Good call, Dad. Good call. Yeah, good call not using that. Yeah, I thought so.

But the pride I feel is overwhelming. And I would like you to roll 5D8 to resolve this. Now, be careful, though, because Mantle of Ray Ramano is rich for spinoff, like, potential. I know. If you explode him right now. I wouldn't explode him, but I mean, maybe if he inflates, he'll float to the surface of the water, or not be able to get around. I'm going to add a time to shine dice.

Holy crap. Because I really want this to work. Of course. And it does. Hey, thank goodness for that, man. Five and a seven. And four failures. Including a triple one.

So like pretty good to use your time to shine dice here. So you lob this. Like this Mentos cocktail. it launches in the mouth of Mantrault of Mantraulto with the open end sticking out and it launches him like a rocket

across the room and you know what because I like this move so much sweeps the legs of Eel McDona thank God knocking him away And I have a bon motte, too. Of course you do.

I guess not everybody loves you, Raymond. The studio audience erupts until after. Yeah. They're loving that. That's great. And your father-in-law, I guess, in this show, like, kind of puts his hands on his hips and, like, oh, rolls his eyes. And roll credits. Maximum Fun.

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