The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Abnimals Ep. 28: Final Fight!

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

The walrus reveals his dastardly plan! Can he be stopped before it's too late? It's the biggest showdown the heroes have ever faced!Abnimals Theme by Justin McElroy, Eric Near (https://bit.ly/ericnearmusic) and Jonathan Coulton (https://www.jonathancoulton.com/).Additional Music in this Episode:"Psychedelic" by Echo Fury: https://m.soundcloud.com/j87-222544563; "Turn around" by Koi-discovery: https://koi-discovery.lescigales.org/; "Neptune" by Joseph R. Lilore: https://josephlilore.com'; "Quickening" by malictusmusic: https://www.malictusmusic.com/; "A Human Being" by Andy G. Cohen: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Andy_G_Cohen/; "Task Man" by Gamesharkoff: https://gagmesharkoff.bandcamp.com/; "The Vikings are Coming!" by Scott Holmes Music: https://scottholmesmusic.com/; "Chill Down", "Gearing Up", and "Right as Rain" by Mr. Smith: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSk2j0fTMw9V94UGyfWrSuA?; "Rather Never Than Ashamed" by done with fish: https://soundcloud.com/donewithfish; "Air" by Jesse Spillane: http://www.jessespillane.com/; "Steps on the Beach" by Audroid MK1: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/audroid-mk1/; and "Darude - Sandstorm [Chiptune Version]" by BildPünkT: https://soundcloud.com/lichttrager.National Immigration Project: https://nipnlg.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

As spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our powers at top the tallest of our towers to stay. You'll never stop us now. And we'll do it with me much until it's turn to clean. And the world is long, but our mojo is strong. And unless I'm wrong, and I'm not, we're at the height of our power. As the Walrus's office is filling with briny water, Navy clings to the back. of Walter Russell, billionaire philanthropist slash evil genius. Nicole Squidman looks unlovingly.

Manta Ray Romano has gone spiraling off after Roger Moore's Mentos and Orbit concoction. Snake Gyllenhaal injured by Hatchet Man is still in the fight, but not looking great as Eel McDonough swirls around the water electrifying the area around him. Pitbull Shark is struggling to ride himself with his massive muscles increasing his bulk, but the rising water is helping. What do you do?

Does anyone have something they'd like to do next? Trave, when you lay them all out like that end to end, you really do get a sense of the stochemate. This is your Sistine Chapel. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. It all just comes to me. I am but a conduit for the art.

Yeah, it comes out of the ether, right? Yeah, I inhale a lot of ether to get these ideas. That's true. I've still got Walrus sort of restrained, right? Yeah, you're holding his tusks. You're on the back, clinging to his tusks as he's trying to buck you off. Though I believe currently you have him doubled over the desk as you kind of impromptu heimicked him over it. I'm looking, I see the desk has a phone, a sort of like speaker phone situation on it. That is the panel of buttons that he, one of which he used to lower the glass on the aquarium. Oh, I thought it was a speakerphone.

Can there be a speakerphone on the desk? Yes. And there is. That's improv, baby. Amazing. I would like to try and discreetly, like, turn it on, like broadcast mode throughout the building, if possible. I don't know if that's something that, I don't know, that I can figure out. while wrestling with a walrus, but if we kick this guy's butt,

I don't know that it's going to really accomplish much. Yeah, with your bug eyes and the fact that he is occupied, give me 48 plus an extra dice, so 5D8 to locate that. Two successes, 75. Yeah, with two successes, the speaker button is clearly labeled, and you are able to kind of tap it with your foot. Okay. I look down at Walter and I see.

Why are you doing this, man? You're the richest abnimal in the world. You could make this city so much better. You could make it anything. Why are you doing all this, dude? I am the richest animal in River City. But I... No, I just said that.

No, you said the world. You said the world. Oh, right. But I am contained here by the same restrictions as all of you. But if I can recreate the formula that brought us the Greenback Guardians. No, I will be able to spread abnable influence throughout the world. I will spread River City first. Throughout the world, first you create the abnormal villains.

Send them in to create the demand, and then I will control the supply. Fulfilling the goal of my company, River City first, and then the world. Okay, I mean some... You feed. You're mad. Some of that sounds all right. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean?

No, I mean, some of that sounds all right. Like, I wouldn't mind going to, like, Bali or, like, going on a trip, but without, you know, reverting to just a normal walrus. But I would say that the end hasn't really justified the means on this one, Walter. Well, it's the means that I mean, you know. It's not cheap being a billionaire philanthropist. As a billionaire part, obviously. But philanthropy isn't cheap, my man, to be able to do for. philanthropy and keep above that billionaire line?

I've got to keep the money rolling in. Yeah, you got to kidnap a hero or two. I get it. I get it. Oh, but would he even be missed? The world didn't even know he was still alive. Well, it's because he was missed. Tusha.

Okay, now I want to try and hurt him. Making sure that that just like went out over the airwaves. I want to just like With his tusks in my hand Try and just kind of RKO him to the ground Which I imagine is getting harder to do Now that there's three feet of standing water in the room So maybe a

A suplex wouldn't do much of anything at all I guess I'll just smash him into the desk again Yeah Are you going to use hydro repulsion Or sheer muscles? I mean I still have I'll use hydro propulsion to try and continue to like body slam him into this thing. Okay, great.

So that is a 5D8 rule. Yes. Here we go. Three successes including a double five at Cowabung. Oh, yeah. With a Cowbunga, you slam him into the desk and he is woozy. You also, when he slams down in, you slam him into that button arrangement. there and a ladder, a metal rung ladder

pops out of the upper left corner of the office. Oh, great. And a hatch is revealed above it, leading to the roof. You just have a ladder button? You're demented, dude. It's an escape hatch, you fool. It's not just a ladder, but it just doesn't make a ladder. I call it the corporate ladder, though, and I find that pretty funny. That's pretty funny. You're a huge dude, though. Wouldn't like a slide be better? Well, I got to go up. Science has yet to create a reverse slide. Okay.

I'm going to do a flying jump kick into Eel McDonough. Okay. Is that okay? Everything's okay. He's got your blood range. Your reaction made me second question. Second guess myself. I mean he has a notable jump kick immunity. Yeah, he has he has he has jump kick resistance. What? I've fallen in your Your plan. Let me see here. I, man, fighting is like, fighting is so common, right? I just, it feels so strange to me to just start attacking people.

Leave off the desk, man. What? Yeah, do stunts. Yeah, I am going to eat the burrito. Oh. None of us said that. It sounded like you were a tree. Yeah, you guys are right.

I got a story plan for it. Yeah, I'm going to eat the burrito. Amazing. Hey man, if you want to recreate the Greenback Guardians you're going to need a frigging time machine, man. Because that was good eating. You slammed the burrito and it is appropriately, but present spice.

Is Walter confused because you did pretend to eat the burrito? Yeah, as I stated in the previous episode, you pretended to eat the burrito so good. Right. that now that you've really eaten the burrito in front of him, it has caused confusion and he's stunned for a turn. This is my... So he's stunned, right?

Yes. And between the heat of the burrito and, of course, the radiation and chemicals flowing through it, it's hard to tell which has more of an effect on you, but you feel like power coursing through your veins and like your muscles are flexing on their own. And you can kind of see a little bit of like green, glow in your veins

as you feel more powerful than you've ever felt before and truly you are at the height of your power. Oh, the height. Okay. He's doing him now. And so anything like physical, basically

your abs are increased to a 6D8 from a 3D8. God. Fantastic. So Walter has just watched me grow huge and he's watched me eat the huge burrito

and what do I look like to him? Do I look different? I feel great how I look. To Walter, he can see like your muscles seem to grow in size as there's like green coursing through your veins. Your eyes

flash green. Oh God. You are swall, dude. Did I say that? Yeah. You did. Yeah. It's just a weird observation.

Okay. I... Oh, and your butt looks great. Oh, cool. Okay, fantastic. Justin told me this in private, but part of Axlottal's backstory, he's very self-conscious about his butt. But right now in this moment, you've never had a doubt about being caked up.

He's got three cheeks now. He's all kicked up. I'm going to punch... It's a three-layer cake. Now, listen, I'm going to punch the walons in the... face. Okay. It's a move I invented.

Cool. Nope. Not this time. Well, that's not the dice you would roll for this physical action. For a punch in the face? Yeah. Well, you just ate the burrito and now you're super duper strong. Oh, yeah.

How many share a roll, you should roll? You should roll a 5D8. 80? Hey, look at that. That's a double cowbunga. That's two seven. It's fantastic. Yeah.

Yeah. With a, uh, with a, uh, with a cowabunga, you come flying across. the desk all pumped up with burrito magic and you land a square hit across the walrus's jowly face now Navy yeah give me a roll to see how well

you can hold on or if you want to roll to like clear the area for this hit you can do that as well um yeah I mean he's stunned from the burrito surprise so I don't really need to be holding him anymore. So I'll just kind of get out of the way of this turbo punch. Okay, great.

Give me a bulky boy roll to dive out of the way. Mixed success. Yeah, with a mixed success, you are able to get out of the way, but you are, like, down on one knee. Okay. At this point. I look at Nicole Squibb, and I say, this isn't that we haven't even gone on one day yet.

Oh, yes, I was, oh, okay. Mm, okay. So is the Walrus dead or what's his deal? No, he is staggered for sure. Roger, you are up and you have a tag team partner in Carver. Is that, okay, is that Eel Patrick Harris or E. O. McDonough. Eel McDonough.

Okay. I understand your confusion because the first name Neil sounds a lot like the first name Neil, but one is in E. I-L and what is N-E-A. And Eel Patrick Harris was a Moray Eel, and this is an electric eel. Eel Patrick Harris was a pun on Neal. Yes. Eel McDonough is a pun on Neal. Do you hear the difference, Dad?

I got you. You got it? Okay. Yeah. Roger is going to attack Eel McDonough. Okay. Okay. and is going to, they're standing in three feet of water.

This is a little risky. All right. But he's going to try to short-circuit Eel McDonough. I'm just going to call him eel. He's going to try to short-circuit him with his cattle prod horns. Okay. Do it. To try to create an overload to...

Yeah. to take care. You're trying to electrocute an electric eel, and I think that's awesome. I'm going to overpower him. Give me a 48 roll, Dad. 48. I'm going to add a time to shine die.

Let me check my mouth. Okay, 5D8. Oh, my God. Four successes, including two eights, a six, a five, an eight and an eight? Yeah. Wait a minute, no.

Yes. Yeah. So along with absolutely laying him out, you get him square in the chest with your cattle brides, and especially with the upgrades that you got on them down in Dr. Kildeth's old hideout, you are able to transfer into him without his electricity transferring into you. And with that double-eight, you see that electricity course over, and it also knocks Manta Ray Romano unconscious and it arcs over

and knocks Nick Gyllenhaal unconscious as well. Way to go, Raj! Yeah, without damaging your teammates. That's what happens with the mega Calbonga, baby. And Carver walks over and puts his foot

onto Bit Bullshark's chest and it's holding him down. The walrus is going to go scurrying through the wall. towards that escape hatch. It, man. Fetch. Wait, it all becomes clear.

This has been your purpose the whole time, man. That's why I called you Hatch It, man. Thank you for carrying me so well, Axelio. This is the second time one of Justin's magic talking weapons has saved the day. Now hurl me! Oh, wow. That was hot. That was real hot.

shouting at Axelot. Hatch it, man. Okay, I mean, I guess this would be anything to drum, but yeah, it's actually skilled at improvising melee weapons in his environment. With my super powers,

this has got to be, what, eight? I mean, how many should I roll nine? Ten dice. Stop me when I've gone too high, drive, 11? Roll 8D8. Oh, my God. There isn't a button for that. There's a 2D8 and a 68 button.

Okay, point Dexter. Am I right? There's also 2.40. Oh, my God. What's with these? 2.8s. I'll go ahead and roll. Okay.

So I got 2 8s. Yeah. 8, 5, 6, 8. Four successes. With that mega Cowabunga, Hatchet Man, you see go up and like bend, like, as it hits, it bends the hinges on the hatch. and kind of pins it closed

with the hatchet wedged into the claspor mechanism so it's not going anywhere. Walter Russell at this point turns to the room and says you think you've won but this building is full of my guards. It won't be long before they come smashing through that door.

And you hear, footsteps outside the door, and it smashes open as Lamar, Loveless, and Newton come in. We can't touch them because we technically control them, and if we are doing two characters in the same room at the same time. It'll explode. It'll just, yeah. And the walrus falls to his knees and surrenders. Some time has passed here in River City a few days, but it does not take a half calculator, half alligator named Calcutator,

to see what is potentially on the horizon in the future. First and foremost, the dry area closes after just a few weeks due to immense overhead and very limited demand. And it doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't make any sense. Nobody wanted to use it, and it costs a lot of money. They kept the dryers running 24-7. And you just had to sort of huck your clothes in there and go for the best.

The bills were immense. But Dean, the accountant, Koala, has helped hair dryer set up his new business, selling a product that they designed for use in the dry area, which has massive demand. A roller specially designed to get all of the fuzz-off clothes called the Ler. Lent Liquor. I don't like that either. Dean has retired with a massive pension from his accounting job to help hair dryer with us, to spend more time with his five kids,

and to join on as a full-time member with your group in an administrative capacity. Was he not already that? I guess it was more ad hoc. Yeah, he was working part-time for you guys while keeping his full-time job, but now he's a full-time member on your admin team. We didn't get any money. Do you know what I mean? Like we didn't get any money from all the stuff we did.

Well, luckily, he has a ton of investments and a massive pension, which he is now using to bankroll your organization. A sugar day. And we also see here in our predictions of the future and engagement. After spending time, keeping an eye on her during this assault on the River City First HQ, Joshua Darnett and chlorophyllus, they've fallen in love. Oh my God. Wow. I love that.

I kind of saw it coming. There was kind of a vibe. And they are prison pen pals and have gotten engaged via communication. Now, hold on. Now hold on. He's a police officer. Yeah, still. Former.

Former. And she's an inmate. Okay. And together they solve crimes. I'm just saying the ethics of that seem like pretty bad to me. like the optics of it. Well, I don't know if you guys have picked up on this, but gosh was not good at making decisions or thought processes.

So. Or attacking or helping. Yeah. Okay. And Artificial has found a newfound drive in life as a competitive eater, specializing in Dorito sponsored competitions. He's not a person. What did you say, Griffin?

I'm so proud. I just, I don't need his stuff. He's not like a machine. Wow. You know what I mean? Like, you're not going to tell me like what happened with the buttons on the Walrus's desk. Oh, okay. Because it's a machine.

All right. And we also see Dr. Kildef is running for another term as governor coming out of retirement. And he has set up his campaign HQ in his old headquarters below the now defunct River City First HQ. And he has connected Scuz to the World Wide Web and is able to communicate. with him via smartphone. So Scuz is free from his confinement. But what of our three heroes? In the far-flung future, however far-flung that might be for you,

where do we see our heroes? I'll do. I can start if that's okay. I think you see there's a bank robbery. And the alarm starts going off and you see the amphibophores show up and there's all the great members of them. Of course, Trave, you know all their different names

and things. I know them so well, too. We all don't need to compare how well we know the names of the amphibophoress today. But maybe you could refresh the listener's minds. Yeah, so mine, you give us a quick rundown. You wouldn't mind that. If you just run through the different amphibus

members. There's slippy frog. That is not one. That is one from Star Fox. There's Isaac Newton. I'll get you. started that's the amphibble force that's green man guardians so sergeant salamander's the leader okay that's great and now go and now do the rest

sergeant okay well you said sergeant salamander already uh huh so I got that one uh huh and the there's other the other ones in it yeah we are fans of all of them tray frog yeah

Ceciland new brute the whole gang yeah and mud puppy and my puppy of course yeah I'm there I'm up in the mix. And then after the whole team drops in, there's a splishy sound. And it's Axelile.

And he walks up to the criminals, which are Dave and Reginald, two of the worst criminals in town. Yeah. And he walks out and walks out to you, he says, hey man. And they're like, what? What are you doing here, Axelisle? And he said, oh, yeah,

I used to try to work really hard to be accepted by. these guys, right guys? And they kind of nod their head. Thanks. And you know what I realized? What? I just wasn't,

I wasn't good enough. You know? Oh. Like if I had gotten better at what I was doing, they probably would have called me more, you know? That's why they left me out because they were much more highly skilled and I wasn't as skilled as them.

Okay, man. But you know what I had to realized, man. What? It wasn't that there was anything wrong with me. Okay. And it wasn't that I needed to accept myself. Oh, oh.

I just needed to improve at the main kind of thing that I was doing. Do you understand, man? Like, it wasn't a personality conflict. I just wasn't skilled enough to be accepted on the team. Oh, okay. But now I am, man. Okay. And I'm loving it.

What did you get better at? Everything, man. I had a, first of all, I had this barita that really opened up my furt-eye. I mean, it didn't last for a long, but it really taught me the limits of our own capabilities. You ever do that? You ever have

some like, ayahuasca or peyote and just go right out to the limit? I mean, I ate some coyote once. Yeah, absolutely. Hey, you're going to prison, okay? Oh, okay. Cool, man. Well, Roger really wishes he had gone first.

At some point, As a matter of fact, in the aftermath of the Great Aquarium issue, Roger just happened to look over at the shiny reflective glass of the aquarium and saw his reflection. And for the first time, this outer reflection spurred an inner reflection. And Roger realized how ludicrous it was for a cow to try. to be a competitive ballroom dancer. You know, wrong body type, too much physical mass,

twice as many feet to coordinate. No, Roger decided the world of the dance is not for this, ever. I hate this. Instead, he has a new goal. He's going to devote all his energies to become a, an Olympic high diver. So kids, remember, if your dream is ridiculous, give up on it and get a new one.

That's our advice. The lessons of this season were two for three of them being truly, truly unhelpful. What do you got then, hot shot? Yeah. I learned to accept. That's your moral of this story, tough guy. for what I am and who I am.

If people don't like that, they don't accept it. They can hit the road, pal. Was there more for Roger? Well, yeah, I think he, no, I already told you, he tries to become an Olympic high diver. Because that makes much more sense for a cow. I think Navy seal hangs up the splash pack. he instead kind of focuses on his team that he was on that he saved River City with

and how there's not really much of a place for teams like that of, you know, different animals working together and using their strengths and, you know, rehabilitating. villains like hair dryer, all of the stuff that they did on their adventure, I think he thinks is more important than having another tough guy out on the streets, another bulky boy out there, fooning the goons.

Fooning the goons. Your word, we say we can't curse and then we invent curses. We invent big minced oaths. There's our first t-shirt. Fooning the goons. Gross. So instead, remind me, what was that area, like boardwalk area where the sea villains like hang out?

Yeah, it's just the pier with a sub-mariner, a diner at the end of the pier. That's all we call that. Okay. So, instead of getting out there and fighting more crime, he may still do it, I mean, he's a big strong guy, but Navy Seal buys, uh, a little office space, so you don't have to work out of the diner anymore, and opens up a sort of matchmaking agency for animals without teams to find their own crews. Instead of vying for positions on these elite, austere sort of groups,

helps folks find their own teams that they can match up with and hopefully do some good with, whether they be villains or heroes, rehabilitated villains. That is his mission at this point. Oh, let us rewind now back before all of these premonitions, these calculations of the future, to a few days after the arrest of Walter Russell. A conference is called, a press conference is called, in front of the golden Greenback Guardian statues at the museum. J.J. August is reporting, and she says,

yes, we're here live. In a surprise announcement, a press conference has been called by the Greenback Guardians who no one knew were still around. Definitely not me. It's a surprise to everyone. But they say they have some sort of big announcement today. It looks like they're getting ready to start now. Let's go over to the camera feeds.

And we see the four Greenback Guardians take the stage and the audience erupts. It is wall-to-wall people and everybody is just absolutely losing it. That not only are the Greenback Guardians still around, but they are here in front of them in the flesh. And Lamar steps up. to the microphone and says, hey everybody, I know this is pretty wild to be back here in front of you guys after all this time. And listen, I'm just going to be honest, we kind of handled the end of the Greenback Guardians era, not great. We're sorry for just kind of leaving you guys in the lurch like that.

And, you know, that was our mistake. And sometimes it takes, it takes, it takes, a new friend or friends to help you realize that mistake. Can we, yeah, we're going to bring up your Axel Isle, Roger Moore, and Navy SEAL. Can you guys come up here, please? Not without Dean. And Dean, of course, yeah. We, we, I mean, do we need to say we come up? Yeah?

We come up. Okay, I come up. Okay, great. I come up. I come up with Dean. Okay, we're all up. Um, these three, well, these four, they're the real heroes of the day. Not only did they stop the plot by Walter Russell, which you all heard through the speakerphone,

but they also are the ones. Wait, hold on. Hold on. I appreciate you trying to tie back into that decision that I made during the fight. If you're suggesting that at this press conference, everyone in attendance heard Walter Russell's voice through the speakerphone system. As the speaker phone went off and they could hear you talking, the Guardians recorded it. Oh, okay, good, good. So that JJ August could air it on the news.

Tag team. But we were controlling the Guardians, and I didn't make that decision for my guys. So I guess I'm just, I guess, but that's fine. That's great. That's cool. Okay, so it didn't happen, and you're all arrested. No, no, no, no. I do.

I want it to have happened. Okay. And, but more than that, the four of us wouldn't be here, especially not Carver, and they are kind of elbow him and you know, if it weren't for these guys. And so we have got you guys a little something each as I thank you. Roger, can you come up here first? Yes. So, Roger, well, Loveless, why don't you take it away?

So Lovelace, the scientist, the three steps, someone goes, Roger, I've thought about this long and hard and I've designed for you. This special earpiece and kind of glasses combo. Here, try this on. Now, it has built-in music capabilities.

So we can play music for you without someone else having to do it. But weren't you just saying that like dancing No, no, no, no, no. I'm rethinking. I'm rethinking the whole diving thing. It's yours to use as long as you want to. We're not going to take it back if you decide to go on a different career path. But you'll always have the music in your ears.

And if you double tap the side, the lenses will go red. And you can control your own kind of stampeding urge without someone else having to do it for you. So your gift is removing the onus of teamwork from Roger. I'll take it. Okay. Oh, and listen, fellas And I hold it up And I hold it up and

Ah, you can hear it beating Ah I don't know what that is It's Mr. Balls. Listen, is it, Mark, you got anything in there for me? Oh, do we ever? Here, step on up here. Anything in that bag for me? Thank you, Justin, for getting my job.

Here, let me see Hatchett Band for just a moment. Okay, be careful. Oh, of course. My wife's soul is in there. What? I thought I mentioned, yeah, my wife's soul is in Hatchet, man. Go ahead. Oh, okay, cool.

And he slides, you see this, like, almost like rubberized handle over it so that it, like, covers, you know, wraps around kind of the center part of the handle. And you can see, like, a wire mesh is running through it. And he hands you a glove, a fingerless glove of identical material. And he says, here, put this on. Okay, I do. And then he walks across the stage, and he puts Hatcham Man's, down and he says

call Hatchet Man to you. Hatchet! And it comes flying to that gauntlet. The wire meshes connect and it... Okay. Hatchet Man is summoned to your hand. And here, one good turn deserves

another. And then I take Hatchet Man and I reach over and I lop off my left arm. As far as I can tell, my DNA is the last secret. The only link to recreate the Greenback Guardians. Oh. And I feel like we should be in possession of it.

So here, I want you to take, I want you to take this. I'm just going to shove my stuff. Love it's amazing. You could have just lanced your finger for like a single drop of blood. The burrito wore off. That's out of your system, but. Right, but my DNA was shifted. So the only clues, I'm the most, as near as I can tell, man,

I might be the most important person. on earth. Well, the four of us still You know what? Thank you so much for this arm. It's honestly best just to kind of take it. Whatever he does. Does anybody else want a limb? As long as I got him out. He's already

dirty. So as long as hatching me is already dirty, I'll go ahead and lop off A little boy steps up in the front with like a I love Axelial T-shirt. And he's like, oh, Mr. Axelwile can I have? Hey, got no enough said, take a toe. This is your best A-M-I-W.

All right, too. It's just a scratch. Thank you, Mr. Axelwile. See you, a little guy. Would you sign your toes? I got to lay down, man. I got to lay down. Hey, scoot over, kid.

I'm laying down right here. Okay. I would like a toe. You need to go away now. Okay. I'm going to take a little quick now. Uh, Navy? Yeah.

Yeah. Carver steps up and he goes, listen, man. Uh, pulled some strings. with some old contacts of ours, and he opens a wooden box that he's holding, and inside there are some bars, some pin bars. And he says, we got you an honorary commission as a Navy seal. Okay. Which was not a thing I thought we could do.

Basically, if you ever get arrested or sued for stolen valor, they'll take care of it. I appreciate that. I close the box. I hand it back to him. Navy SEAL was sort of a name forced upon me by sort of like the naming convention of my family team. And I guess I'm going to take this press conference to announce a change. I am no longer Navy SEAL. I recognize now that that takes some credit from the brave people, the Navy SEALs who do whatever the Navy SEALs do.

and I apologize for all the harm I caused. I am at heart, a creature of Lucy. I'm a proud Ross Seal. I'm a proud marine animal, and that is why from now on I am called the Marine. Pretty cool, huh guys? Yeah, why'd you go ahead and hold on to this box, just, you know, just as a keepsake, I guess, in case.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I don't want to be rude. Yeah, thank you. And Newton steps up and says, Hey, Dean, ma'am, we weren't ready for something for you, but I got this coupon book that you can have, and like two-thirds of the coupons in there are still good. And Dean starts to well up, starts to cry.

And he's like, that's, thank you so much. It's beautiful. This guy freaking loves coupons. You nailed it. I love coupons. I'm an extreme couponer. That's how I got to where I am. Thank you.

And Lamar steps back up to the mic and says, yeah, man, speaking of name changes, I've been talking it over with the other greenbacks, and we've decided our guardian days, man, we're not as young as we used to be, am I right? And the crowd kind of chuckles. So from now on, we are reforming, but we're going to be the greenback guides.

We're going to help in the city. We're going to train new animals and everything. but we just can't be the guardians anymore. And you hear the audience kind of gas and gas are like running through. He goes, but I mean, if all goes, well, you guys aren't going to be without guardians because we'd like to offer that name to you for as the new River City Guardians, if you'll accept.

Could it just be, could it just be Greenback Guardians? Well, we're still going to keep the greenback part because we're tortoises and you guys aren't. What about the RC Guardians? It's male-less. Yeah, man, listen? The nuts and bolts of like the branding is yours, but will you be the new Guardians? Man, absolutely. We've been struggling with, you know, branding and stuff, but I could see RC Guardians, like really popping.

Like, really popping on a hat. As you accept this new title, they cue the band just off stage, and the music starts to swell. There's just an amazing electric guitar starts playing these like crazy licks, these amazing riffs. As the music swells and Jonathan Colton steps out and takes the microphone. Wait, what? And the River City Guardian music kicks in for the first time. Cool. But it's Jonathan Colt in its upper.

Yeah, he's half horse. Cool. And he sings, In spite of what you have heard, we're at the height of our power. We're talking tallest of towers. We'll stand. But you can just play the...

Yeah, it will just play the actual Chompe-Song. It's not me doing that. Yeah, you just play the actual theme song there. Yeah, and that's where the theme song goes. Rock and roll. The end. Pizza party. Yeah.

Yay! Yay, we did it. Congratulations, everybody. And we did it. A single time. That was a thrilling. That was a thrilling adventure travel. I loved it.

Yeah, very good. I felt like I was a kid again. We were playing with action figures. And then, chlorophyllus birthed in. No. Maximum Fun. A Worker-Oled Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.