The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 1

Episode Date: January 12, 2018

Our heroes begin a fateful day in the unassuming, rural ski town of Kepler, West Virginia. Duck answers a peculiar distress call. Aubrey puts on a memorable magic show. Ned plans his next grift. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

We see a carpet of pine needles laid out over the quiet floor of the Monongahela National Forest. Bright light is beaming down from the waxing nearly full moon overhead. It is summer in Kepler, West Virginia, and it is still. In this particular neck of the woods, not a creature is stirring. The tall pines all around are motionless, bathing in this moonlight. There are no howls from the forest's depths, No frogs rattling in the creeks that crisscross the terrain, no crickets whistling their summer song. Kepler is quiet, too. Its citizens have long since retired for the day.

The steady hum of the funicular that connects the town to the ski slopes above ceased operations hours ago. Signs for the businesses catering to Kepler's night owls flicker and dim as their proprietors close up shop. Soft lights in the town's windows extinguish one by one, save for the office window of the Amnesty Lodge on the outskirts of Kepler's topside, where the manager sips her evening tea, peering expectantly out this window and into the forest beyond. And back in those woods, a stone archway stands in the center of a small clearing. The waxing moon reaches its zenith in the stone. starlit sky above. The carpet of pine needles begins to vibrate in soft pulses away from the center of this clearing. And in an instant, the span of the arch is filled with the moonlight above. And the carpet of needles is stripped away as sharp winds blow outward and away from the clearing in every direction. Moon's reflection on the archway dims. The owner of the Amherst

Amnesty Lodge finishes her evening tea and extinguishes the last light of Kepler, West Virginia. Okay, hi, everybody. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. First proper episode of what we're calling the Adventure Zone Amnesty. It's a new mini-Ark that I'm doing. I know we just started, but what about Kablamnesty? Yeah, let's go ahead and change it to Kablamnesty. I think it's better on pretty much every conceivable level.

And like, fuck me for my bad idea. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, Ham-Ham-Hamnesty. Yeah, that's a reference that nobody's going to get. So, I guess a few things. One, I'm sick, and so this is the characters you hear in this episode that I do, this is probably

not. They're all sick. They're all sick. This is not what they're going to sound like. Imagine just, I guess, a couple semitones higher and not as gravelly. But the other thing is, so for this first episode, I was thinking of, like, the best way to introduce your guys characters. and make them sort of more concrete with the short amount of time we're going to have in this arc.

And what I think we're going to do is for this first episode, your characters are going to be kind of individual. I have a couple basically individual scenes for each of your characters before you all sort of form your group in the second episode. So that's going to be the structure for today. Also, kind of like how we did arcs in the balance campaign, this first episode is also just going to be kind of like more setup of the world and the mystery. And then I'm going to sort of set you guys loose in episode two. So that's what we're going to be doing today. Anything else before we get started?

I want to say a quick thank you to someone whose name I did not catch. But at PodCon, a volunteer gave me this really cool metallic six-sided dice. And it's red. And I think it's perfect for Lady Flame. And so I'm going to be using it in this show. Well, you will need another one. Everybody needs two six-sided dice for Monster of the Week. And I wanted to say thank you to them.

and I'm sorry I did not catch their name, but if you're listening, I'm using that dice, and I appreciate you. Should mention that we are playing Monster of the Week, new game. If you listen to our setup episode, we kind of briefly go over the rules,

but it's going to be really cool, and the rules, I think, are going to be pretty apparent. Even if you didn't listen to the setup episode, I think you're not going to have any problem following along. So, y'all ready? Kudos to Michael Sands. Yeah, well done, Michael.

Sorry, I'm just turning up my audio a little bit. Okay. All right, you guys ready to get going? Yeah. Yeah. Is it too late to give Lady Flame a motorcycle with a sidecar that Dr. Harris Bonkers rides around in? It is absolutely too late. And before we get started, Duck, you have a vision of the future.

Roll plus weird for Destiny's Plaything. A seven. A seven is a mixed success. Can you tell me what it says for Destiny's Plaything when you roll a seven to nine? At the beginning of each mystery roll plus weird to see what's revealed about your media future. On a seven to nine, you get a vague hint about it. All right. Duck, you see a vision, and it's a pretty simple vision. You're in the Monongahela forest, and your vision is kind of obscured a little bit by the branches of the pines in this forest.

But through them, you can make out a shape. You see a stone archway just a few dozen yards away. It almost sort of resembles like a stonehenge archway. It's just three. slabs of solid stone with two sticking out of the ground with one sort of balanced perched between them. And it almost feels like this archway is beckoning you. And then there's a sharp gust of wind that comes off this archway. And right as it hits you, you wake up. And you wake up to the sound of a phone ringing at your desk where you are working an overnight shift in the ranger station, in your leg of the Monongahela National Forest right on the outskirts of Kepler, West Virginia, the town in which you live.

You did some research, Justin, on this exact subject. So please correct me if I use sort of the wrong terminology at any point. I'll do my best. But what is a day patrolling the trail like for duck? Like, what does duck's job look like here in the forest? Forest rangers at the Monongahela Forest are district rangers who are largely resource specialists, so they're more like science people, as I understand it. So I'm taking a little bit of liberty here with Duck because it's not necessarily a park. So he's sort of a lot of his work, I think, is monitoring tree growth, checking for disease trees.

I like that idea, like keeping the trails clean. And I think he takes a lot of pride in it and is sort of careful about making sure that it's on a good tilt. I dig that. I think just to sort of make this a little bit more action-oriented to get you like into the action a little bit more. I'm thinking like because during this like graveyard shift in the forest, I think you are also kind of wearing the hat of a park ranger. Also, it's just not something you typically do, but like answering, you know, distress calls about, you know, shitty campers or something like that. And speaking of, the phone rings and it's sort of the first thing, the first thing that's sort of broken the silence of this quiet late summer evening. It's a really nice night.

There's a nice breeze coming up off the Greenbrier River, and the sort of balmy heat of August is finally starting to fade away. And you get this distress call where somebody is complaining about at the Park and Camp RV grounds, sort of on the outskirts of the forest, someone was making a ton of noise just a little bit ago. And you've also gotten some reports from passing trail walkers that there's a big bonfire going. on right in the middle of their campground, which Smokey would tell you is not acceptable behavior. And so this is what brings you... Oh, you've got to shut that shit down, Duck. We could introduce...

Is Smoky a cryptid? Have we talked about this? Yes. Talking bear wearing blue jeans. Yeah, I think absolutely. So, Duck, this is what brings you to the Park and Camp Lot 5, a little... after 6 o'clock p.m. And at this lot, you see a mid-sized RV parked in its appropriate space, but it looks like it was

recently kind of wrecked. The front driver's side corner of the car is just crumpled up. The headlights just gone. The lot's trash receptacle has been upended and is similarly kind of roughed up and its contents are laying all around the lot. And just as these complaints attested, there's a big fire roaring in the middle of the lot. in a pit. It's not quite a bonfire anymore, but you can tell from the charred wood that's rolled away from the pit that it probably used to be. And the lights inside of this RV are turned off.

What do you do? Can I read a bad situation? So yes, this is our first move that you can do, but remember, and this is going to be something that I think we're all going to have to get used to, you don't just say the move that you're doing. I want you to tell me what Duck is doing, and then you read a bad situation, right? So it is narrative descriptor first, move second. Does that make sense? All right, I got it. Yes.

So I'm going to take out my mag light and just sort of do a sweep of what I can see. All right. And try to get the lay of the land before I rush into anything. Is duck strapped? So this is, we didn't talk about guns in the setup episode, but like, unless your character has a fucking really good solid reason to carry a firearm with them, which is also something that I have plans for because I don't love the idea of an arc where just like it's a bunch of gun toting shooter folks all the time. So unless you have a really good reason to have a gun, I would

say definitely not. Yeah, I don't. Okay. You don't see. I think of animals. I should probably change mine then because in my gear I picked a gun. But I could go with heirloom sword. That feels magician-y. I think in general for weapons, don't stress about weapons. I want to ground your characters in the reel before we do stuff like that. And pick those weapons, but I might just give them to you at some point during this arc, but you wouldn't start with them because you are not, you know, monster hunters right now. But we're delaying.

So go ahead and roll plus Sharp, which is the stat that you use for a readabout situation. 10. All right. That's our first. a great success. No. I hold three on a 10. Yeah, so when you read a bad situation, you roll plus sharp, and on a 10, you get a three hold.

And hold, you spend immediately to answer the following, to ask me the following questions, which I will answer based on what you said you were going to do. So you said you were like flashing your light around this scene looking around. So I can answer a lot of stuff for you. And then what's really cool about this is when, you act on the answers, you get plus one to your roles ongoing. So go ahead and pick your questions and I will answer them. Are there any dangers I haven't noticed? You, while you're looking around the scene, you hear the sound of shotgun shell being loaded into a shotgun

just behind the door of the RV. You actually can tell that like whoever, is doing it must be kind of nervous because you heard like some rattling and some some like scraping as they were like trying to put this shell in but you you hear a shotgun shell go into a shotgun in the RV. What's my best way in? I mean the best way into the RV is obviously the front door but sort of building off of the last thing that you noticed your best way in would be very very cautiously and not trying to startle or surprise the person inside. What's the biggest threat? The person with a shotgun inside of the... Well, I mean, obviously.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes that's just what the answer is going to be. Yeah. I mean, there's not much... I mean, the fire could potentially be dangerous, but it looks like it's dying out, and you get the idea that, like, in a few minutes, this thing's going to fall apart, and that won't be a threat to the forest, but obviously the person with a shotgun inside that RV could be a situation that you're going to have to deal with. Okay.

So while you're acting on that stuff, then... and you get a plus one to your rolls. But because you rolled so well, you have a pretty comprehensive understanding of what's going on. There's a nervous person with a shotgun inside that RV. I call out pretty loudly.

Let's hear that voice. Excuse me. As soon as you yell at, a shotgun blast shoots through the door, which you are not anywhere near. It doesn't shoot quite through the door. It's just like a buckshot blast. You see like a big dent.

form and you hear a sort of a Yelp come from inside the RV. I pull out my radio. I'm over at lot five. I'm going to need some police support, I guess. I'll keep you updated with the situation. I'm not engaging, obviously, but keep me updated. Okay. One out of 12.

One at him 12. Say the man at lot five. What do you do? Do you wait patiently for the police? arrived to play the role playing game? No. I just wanted to I'm trying to do

what I would do in the real situation, which I don't think he'd be like, all right, motherfucker. Time to go. Let's dance. You fucking shucks his radio at him. After the shotgun blast,

a shoot through the door, you hear a voice from inside go. Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Are you okay out there and I hit anybody? You are my friend, in violation of

now several park rules. Number one, obviously, you've got a fire situation we need to deal with. Number two, well, it's not Ranger season, partner, and these grounds are... Partner?

I like this. Yeah, all right, now I'm into it. My name is District Ranger Duck Newton. The door to the... You're just having this conversation with a closed door. the door slides open as you start talking. I thought he fired the shotgun through the door.

It just kind of dented it, but she, it's a bad good. Yeah. She, she opens up. And there must have, there had to have been some blowback, too. Yeah. She opens up the door as you're talking and sets down her shotgun. Actually, like, puts her hands up and then realizes you're not a cop and then, like, puts her arms down.

But then she puts her hands back up again. She's like, I don't, okay. And she puts her hands back down. Like, okay, you're not, you're not a cop. It's, it's probably okay. Inside the RV is a young woman, probably about 20 years old. She's wearing a tank top. She's got a toboggan on with ear flaps.

She's drinking a bottle of yingling. That when she sees that you're not a cop, but still like an employee of the park, she kind of tries to scoot it out of your line of sight with her foot. And she is disarmed and has her shotgun down. She says, sorry, what's your name? My name is Duck Newton. She starts cracking up laughing. Like kind of slapping her leg.

She still is obviously kind of nervous, but this is kind of cut the tension a little bit. She says, you're kidding me, duck? It's a nickname. He says, no, no, no. My name is Pigeon. That's crazy, man. What are the odds? Don't that beat all.

Yeah. Listen, we need to get this fire under control. This is a real danger to the park, and this is kind of a little bit of a dry season for us. So we've got an elevated risk. and we're going to need you to bring that down. Obviously, trying to shoot me with a shotgun was a problem, but I don't have the ability to arrest you or anything. What's going on?

She laughed at the sort of incident of both of you, kind of having bird names, but she's starting to look a little bit shaky again, and she reaches down and shakily grabs the yingling. She's like, I know it's against the rules, but if you had the kind of night I've been having, I don't think you do any better. She takes a slug, and she says,

though. I need to keep that fire going because I ran into something out in the woods. Me and my buddy Pete, we ran out into something in the woods. And he's still out there somewhere. We were looking for mushrooms and we got attacked by some big motherfucker, some kind of like, it was a bear, but I've seen bears. And this was like, this was like several bears sort of all rolled up into one super bear. He was wearing blue jeans. It was bad I built that fire

To try to keep them away But I know I was breaking the rules But I was just kind of waiting for it to go off Before I could go out and try to find my My buddy again And listen I like a story as much as anybody What is it? Is it Friday night?

Yeah, that's right, right? Well, there'll be traffic From the high school football game So I'm assuming We got about 20, 30 minutes For the cops get here Honestly, the response time isn't great.

Why don't you do away with the story? I got a little time to kill. Why don't you tell me what's really going on? Are you, you're hiring from somebody, you messed up with drugs? What's the deal? So this would be a great time

for investigative mystery because you have kind of, she has sort of stepped you into what is the mystery of this arc. And if you want to find out more details about the monster and what's going on here, then you can sort of interview pigeon

by doing this move. Wow. 12. Holy shit. Our whole life is laid before you as if reading a book. There's a way to, when you level up, you can improve your moves so that there's sort of an additional condition where if you get a 12, you get like a bunch of great stuff, but right now it's just a big success.

So for investigative mystery, which is different from read about situation, you get three whole, you get two hold, actually, on a 10 plus, and you get to ask. some questions. Now, okay, this is, this is a point of order here. Previously, when I was using holds, I was asking you a sort of like omnipresent, omniscient narrator, right? Which it says I'm still asking the keeper in this investigative mystery. It's the same, it's the same thing. If I'm using a mystery, am I getting answers through them as a conduit, but confident this information is, it is legit? It's in both, both things, read about situation. and investigative mystery are both contextual.

When you read a bad situation, I will only divulge information based on what you can see based on what you're doing to read the situation. When you investigate a mystery, if you're talking to her, she's not going to be like, well, the silver swords you need to kill the dragon. Like, she's only going to tell you what she knows. It's always, it's always conditional. Okay, so let's see. Also, like, an important thing.

There's a lot of, there's what's called the keeper agenda, which is sort of a facet of all the Apocalypse games. And a big one is, and this is sort of an umbrella for a lot of this stuff, I am a fan of your guys' characters, which means I'm not going to do anything intentionally to mislead you or put you in a situation where, like, if you, like, if something was left unsaid, I punish you for that. And with that in mind, I will always tell you the truth in these situations. So you can take what is what you investigate here in the info you glean as gospel unless there there are characters who will like you know be liars but then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it but what you what she tells you is you know the

the truth what what you do to like sort of rectify that for duck to make it something that he believes is up to you okay so two hold two questions so um what sort of creature is it uh she says uh i i told you it was some kind of bear it's It was so dark and I dropped my flashlight somewhere back there, but it has like kind of patchy fur. Like, I don't know to describe it, like patchwork fur. Like, it almost looked like it had out of horn coming out of its body, not out of its head, like a bear unicorn or something, but like out of its shoulder. And that's about all I saw.

It was big, man. It was about eight feet tall or so. It's a big, nasty bastard. A big, did you say a big nasty badger? Bat, bastard. It might have been a big badger. I don't know. It was dark.

Yeah, I was going to say, I mean, it's not impossible. Did you see which way it went? Is this your second question? Yeah. Where did it go? She says, she points just back into the woods sort of behind lot five. She says, it sort of pursued me here to my camp, but then when it, It got to me. It sort of turned tail and ran away as soon as you got close to the can't. That's why I built that fire. But yeah, it turned tail and just ran right back in there. And you can see, as she's describing this, that there's like a path of sort of some broken branches on the ground and some disrupted, like, piles of leaves. And in there, you actually also see sort of some droplets of what looks like black blood or some sort of black ooze that you could

follow as a trail because you asked this question and got this information back into back into the woods. She actually sees you kind of notice some of this blood on the ground. She's like, oh yeah, I did, I did shoot it, which is probably also not okay. But like my life was in danger. It was self-defense. But I'll tell you, but it didn't seem to do much of anything. So I guess it's not illegal if it doesn't really hurt the animal. Well, it's obviously still legal. I think both you and I know that. She says, listen, listen, I can't, I, I, I'm kind of nervous about, I heard you call the cops earlier.

I know you said they're on their way. Is there any way you can kind of wave them off? I swear to God, it's, I was attacked, and everything I've done is just sort of in response to that, and I'm pretty freaked out right now. I really don't want to go to the pokey, which is not what human beings call it. I'm just really nervous. Pigeon. What's your last name, Pigeon?

I don't know. I didn't get a pigeon last name. Well, you can pick any fucking last name with the oral Griffiths store. Yes, ending, please. Um, Wilson, Pigeon Wilson. Wilson, are you, are you, are you Vicki's girl? Yeah, that's, that's me, Vicki's girl. All right. Listen, I can tell you're pretty scared and you didn't mean to take a shot at me. Honestly, I mind less about that than the fire. You know, some of these street. Look around you. Some of these are 60

years old. Can you imagine loose match cigarette? 60 years old, just gone. Yeah, no, that's what bothered. That'd be horrible. I'll make you a deal. If you can promise me

to never start an open flame like this again and only occasionally taking shots at Rangers with shotguns, then I think we can wave them off. They're probably going to have quite a few junks to take care of anyway. Friday night. Friday night. Yeah, I hear you.

She, she smiles, big smile. She actually runs up and gives you a big hug. She's like, oh, Duck, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. I swear, I'm done with fire. I'm pretty much done shooting at Rangers. I just, I would say I'm relieved, but I'm still pretty worried about Pete. He's my buddy. He's still out there somewhere. He got separated while we were running away. Wait, do you think you could try to see where he's at? Try to find him for me? Yeah, I'll take a look. No promises.

It's a big forest. Okay. Are you, are you packing heat? Because I'm real worried now about the bear and you getting hurt by the bear. Are you strapped? I'm not strapped, but I'm also not going to engage. The problem I'm having pigeon. Hold on, no.

Let me, let me. Come on back. That was a false alarm there. It was a false gunshot? What? The false gun shot? What do you add is that? You know, nah, it was a couple of kids playing with cherry bombs.

I just a little overactive imagination. It's fucking millennials, man. I'm telling you. I know. I hear that. I hear that. All right. So you can wave the boys off.

Thank you. She leans into the RV and she pulls out a hunting rifle that she kind of hands to you. And she's like, I know you don't want to engage, but it might want to engage with you. Are you sure you don't want to... Pidge, and you brought a lot of guns out here, hey. She says, no, she's... This one's Pete's.

This is his. We each brought one gun. All right. Well, I'll hold on to it in case I run into Pete so we can get that back to him. So you can kill Pete? I'm going to make a call, make sure that Pete's got all the proper paperwork for this. But, yeah, I'll hold on to it for now if that would be. make you feel better. The problem I'm having, pigeon, is about the biggest animal we get in these parts.

It's the good old ursus Americanaus, the black bear. It's her state bear. She said, yeah, everybody knows that. I'd take West Virginia history, but quick, state flower, go. The rhododendron, but I'll tell you, duck. All right, all right. She says, I'll tell you, Doc, though. You're wrong about that, bud. You got something way bigger in these woods. Aubrey. So the early days of a professional magician career are pretty difficult ones. Your gigs are almost inconceivably humble with crowds that don't really pay attention and venues that generally just don't pay. And it's on one of those days where we find you, Audrey Little, the Lady Flame, on your grind. You're doing a show on a small sort of temporary stage in the lobby of a resort in Snowshoe, West Virginia, which is pretty close by

to Kepler. It's about as prestigious as the last, you know, dozen shows you've done. There's a small gathering of guests sort of with nothing better to do, just sitting around the lobby, kind of half watching. There's a kid's birthday party in the corner of the room that is just paying you no mind at all. It would almost be sort of too insulting to do if the pay wasn't decent and you need bus ticket money if you're going to line up your next gig. So Audrey Little, Aubrey Little. Thank you. What does your act look like? Well, Aubrey's act is very, it's a slight of hand is what we're looking at.

But with fire? Yeah, so the flourishes and the Mr. Acts are all centered around fire. But that's more kind of like the showyer tricks. I mean, basic stuff is, you know, your card tricks, your rings. Yeah, got it. Um, that, you know, your basic rabbit out of the hat, hints Dr. Harris bonkers. Like, if you're a fan of like old, old school magic performance, like, these are the tricks that you learn first, right? Like, it's not like you're David Blaine, like, eating a bunch of snakes or leeches or whatever, and then barfing them up and like, oh, it's new magic.

This is like, it sounds like you're talking about, like, sort of that old, old school shit, about fire. Here's the thing about magic and magic performances is like, you have the basics, right, where your slide of hand, the, you know, like, look over here, here's the ball, where'd the ball go. It's like, that's the basic. And then it's how you perform it. It's your patter, your flourishes. That's what separates you because really a lot of the building blocks are the same of every trick.

I got you. It's what you add on to it. So Aubrey's thing is very, you know, you. you know, the flash, the literal flash of the fire, the sparks, um, patter. Then let's get started. I want Aubrey to, I have like a few sections in this little bit, and I'm going to fudge the rules a little bit, but I want Aubrey to go ahead and do her first trick of the night. Okay. All right. Now everybody, I want you to listen closely. Three thousand years ago, on the banks of the Nile, the priests used to believe that if someone

believed hard enough and pushed their will to the brink, they could conjure from nothing flame itself. I am that person. With the strength of my will alone, not only can I conjure. your flame from nothing, but I can manipulate that flame to become whatever I desire. And she begins concentrating and has the concentrating faces, her hands move through the air, dancing, dancing to hands dance. And then she ignites a pile of metallic shavings that she has palmed to create a flash in an attempt to manifest a flash. A flash.

that she has up her other sleeve. Okay. By the way, what's the background music? Because you sort of painted a picture of her having a sort of non-traditional magician aesthetic, and I'm wondering if that is also like part of the act. Yeah, so I would say that she has like a little like soundboard that she carries with her that's kind of plugged into a mini speaker. Yeah, what's it playing? I would say it's kind of like, imagine a lot of the incidental music from Prince of Egypt.

Okay. But added to it is... But not like punk, punk, punk... Well, added to it is like punk edm. Okay, fine. That's a lot of fucking genres, but I'm into it. Okay. So...

It's not... Let me tell you, straight up, I would say that the music background is the weakest point of our act. Sure. So I'm fudging the rules a little bit here because for this part, I just want you to do a straight up or down role. And based on what you decide, so if it's something that is going to be, like, sort of dexterous, like, requires a lot of hand-eye. coordination or something of that, I went you to roll plus cool. If it's something where you're

trying to misdirect the audience, I went to to roll plus charm. No, it's a misdirect. And so with that, I got a 10. Okay. I think with a 10, you crush it. You cause this burst of flame to shoot out of your hand, and suddenly there is a flower in your other hand. And with that, with performance, that's steady, I think the audience is now just sort of like paying attention. You actually get some scattered applause throughout the audience, which you have done shows in like resort lobbies like this where you have not gotten any applause at all. So this is awesome. The kid's birthday party, a couple of the kids actually are sort of, their eye catches the flash of fire,

and they started plotting too. And this one kid in the back yells at, hey, do you do balloon animals? I do not, but thank you for asking. Before you get to your second trick, you also notice some activity at the front door as a large woman, like just this imposing figure wearing a tattered brown leather dine. is helping out one of the staff's, one of the hotel staff wheel in this ornately detailed wooden sculpture of an elk into the lobby on a, on a, you know, a palette. You notice that in the back of the room.

What is your second trick? Now, before I continue, if I'm going to move forward with these amazing feats of will and skill, I'm going to need the help of a wise and venerable assistant. You see a couple of kids start raising their hands like, Oh, ooh, ooh, hold on just one moment, because now I'm about to introduce to you the true, amazing wonder of my act. Folks, I'm ready to present Dr. Harris bonkers.

And she taps with her foot and a little puff of smoke from a mini pyrotechnics machine goes on. And with that, the sides of a box fall away revealing. Dr. Harris Bonkers, PhD. I think maybe like one of the kids is like, a bunny! But everybody else doesn't really know how to react to this. I think that would count as a trick, by the way. So I'll go ahead and roll plus charm on that.

It was an eight. Okay, yeah, I think you just get that result. I think one of the kids is like, a bunny in the rest of the audience doesn't really know how to react as Dr. Harris Bonkers makes his appearance. And as this cloud of smoke rolls up, up and dissipates, you see through it. The resorts manager has made his way from behind the front desk, and he's conversing with this large imposing woman. It's sort of taken this statue off her hands and handed her an envelope, which she tucks into the pocket of her coat, and now she's just hanging out at the back of the room and sort of watching your act. To you, he seems like just a

funny. But let me tell you, Dr. Harris Bonkers was once the greatest wizard who ever walked the face of the earth, until one day he touched on something too powerful for him to control. It backfired cursing him into this poor and lonely shape. But I am able to communicate with Dr. Harris Bonkers. And Dr. Harris Monkers tells me that there's someone here in the crowd who I need to bring up on stage. Someone here with something to tell me. You in the back, in the ragged duster. Would you join us on stage, please? This is a woman in the back of the room, sort of kind of an older woman, you think?

like, not older, maybe like, mid-50s or so. She kind of smiles and, like, shakes her head, like, no, I'm good. Thank you, though. She gestures over at one of the kids at the party. Like, why don't you take one of them instead? I feel like they'd get a kick out of it. Hmm, I see. A little trepidious, afraid of what Dr. Harris bonkers might know.

Very well. If you're afraid? She gets that you're trying to go to her, and she kind of chuckles again. Very well. Let's see. We need a volunteer. Who's, let's see. There's a kid in the birthday party who's wearing a, like, a paper crown who you take to be the birthday boy. You, the little prince. Why don't you join us here on stage? The kids are kind of like clapping, almost like they're making fun of this little boy who kind of like nervously kind of almost

sullenly walks up to the stage and hops up next to you and Dr. Harris Bonkers. Don't worry, kid. It's going to be fine. Now, what we are going to do here, he is going to... What's your name, son? Randy. All right, Randy is going to communicate to Dr. Bonkers, and then Dr. Bonkers is going to communicate to me. Are you ready, Randy? Yeah, I guess so. Okay. And so then she begins some very flourishy, like, card shuffles and offers to Randy. Now, Randy, I want you to pick a card, but don't show it to me. I want you to show it to Dr. Bonkers.

He picks a card and holds it to his chest, looks at it. You want me to show it to your bunny? To Dr. Harris Bonkers, yes. All right. And he goes and sort of flash a little bit. it to Dr. Harris Bonkers. Is Dr. Harris Bonkers a magic rabbit? What would stop this rabbit from just, like, eating the card? He's just well-trained. He's a very well-trained rabbit. Okay, I got it.

He's smart for a rabbit. All right, continue the trick, the illusion. Now, Randy, I don't want you to put it back in the deck. That would be too simple. I want you to hold it in front of you. Don't show it to me, but concentrate on it as hard as you can.

He's concentrating. on the card. And she puts her finger to the back of it and snaps, and the card ignites in flame. Roll plus weird. Okay, that's a 10. I rolled an 8 plus 2. Okay, I'm trying to decide if that's very good or very bad. I think following the rules of the game, I think it's good, but it's also powerful.

You touch your finger to the back of the card, and what did you intend for it to happen? the card like flash paper goes up. It actually kind of explodes in a big burst of flame. Okay, with that in mind I think Randy

sees that this fire is actually pretty big and scary, so he kind of drops the card and jumps off the stage and Dr. Harris Bonkers also jumps out of the way, but this explosion, you've done this trick, hundreds, thousands of times. This is not

intended. The burst of flame is actually enormous. And I think the people in the front row also kind of scoot their chairs back instinctively. And the fire doesn't like stop. It's not like a blast of fire. It like kind of hangs in the air off your hand. And as you like turn to look at your hand, like the fire spreads and now the curtain that's behind the stage also gets ignited a little bit. There's There's some flags, some like little decorative penance hanging from the ceiling that also catch a blaze. And suddenly the people in the audience are kind of having to pay attention to you. They are kind of yelling and starting to turn and run kind of scared. I want you to know, I'm going to say, this is a professional magician who works with fire hidden under the table as a fire extinguisher.

Okay. She would not be without a fire extinguisher as she is. doing tricks around kids. Yeah, sure. With flames. So would that be act under pressure? Yeah, I think act under pressure. I think that there's fire kind of starting to spread around the curtains and penances.

Well, it's not good? What did you get? It's a four plus zero. Oh, boy. Well, Mark Experience. Uh-huh. You really set that up for me because I didn't even think to make you, okay, this is a good game. So when you act under pressure and you fail, something goes very, very bad.

add. I get to make basically a hard move. And the hard move is that the fire just spreads pretty quickly. You get the feeling that it's not spreading naturally. It's almost spreading in response to you and the things that you're doing. And now the whole back wall of this lobby is kind of a blaze. It was sort of this one long curtain and it is all on fire and you try to put it out with your fire extinguisher. But it's just not effective. enough. And I think the kid's birthday party in the back of the room is now just like clapping up and down cheering. This is the best fucking thing they've ever seen. But some adults come and grab them and start to usher them out of the room. And you see that big, that imposing woman in the

back of the room kind of look curiously at you and then walk backwards out the lobby as the fire alarms start blaring. The lobby's on fire. What do you do? Okay. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, and then another, and then another. She's burned to death. No, okay. No, she's not. She's breathing quietly, calming down, and then she acts. All right, what are you doing? First, I'm going to scoop up Dr. Harris Bonkers. Yep. And then I'm going to, uh, you know, get the fuck off the stage. Uh, yeah, I think the fire is mostly behind you at this point. So you have a pretty clear line to the, uh, to the exit. Well, I guess I, Here's my question. Is this the first time anything like this has ever happened to Aubrey?

You tell me, dog. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say the little thing. I will definitely say, I will definitely say it has never happened this powerfully before if it has happened. Yeah, I'm going to say little things like this happened a lot more like when she was a kid. She has probably had weird kind of manifestations like this. And so if the fire is somehow springing from her and reacting to her, I'm going to see if she can maybe without really knowing what she's, doing in calming down see if she can get the fire to calm down? I want to challenge that and say, is that something Travis wants to do, or is that something that this actual person would do if they were in the middle of a burning building? Well, that's such a good question, because it really depends on what the history of this with her is. You know, if she has had to deal with little things like this happening before,

but never on this scale, I think that if the fire is behind her, I'm going to try it once because maybe she used to play more like a kid lighting matches. Okay. With this power when she was a kid, but it hasn't manifested since then. I'm going to say she's been able to turn on and off this fire before. So she's going to make one attempt at it. So then you're going to use magic, which is a weird role. Yeah.

What's weird about it? I guess this would be do one thing that is beyond human limitations is one of the things that you can do with magic. Yeah. Well, I also have moved. You have like your fire attack or whatever, but I don't think... Well, no, no, no. I have moves. So one is called Not My Fault, which is plus one to act under pressure when you are dealing with the consequences of your own spellcasting.

That's definitely this. Yeah, so... But if it's weird, I rolled an 8 plus 2, so that it's a 10. Okay. I think with a plus 10, you contain the fire. You see it start to retreat off the edges of the curtain. that sort of lines the back of this room and sort of retreat off the ceiling a little bit where it had started to spread. It's still definitely burning somewhat, but you get the sense that you have essentially like saved this building.

I will also say that the fire and heat and smoke of this situation is now powerful enough that it's becoming kind of unbearable to be in this place. but with your control, you controlled the fire. You almost spoke to the fire and made it calm somewhat. You have saved this building from being completely destroyed. But if you stay here any longer, it's going to be bad for your health. Lady Flame out. Okay. You step outside and as you do, you see some folks on their cell phones trying to get reception.

Again, you're in the U.S. National Radio Quiet Zone, and so it's kind of difficult to get signal year. The kids are still applauding you as you come outside. In the distance, down the hill that you're on, you can see the lights of a fire truck kick on and start speeding up the road. And behind them, you see another set of lights kick on. And these are the lights of a police vehicle sort of following to race up to this scene. And you also see out of the corner of your eye to your left,

you see at the edge of the building that woman, that woman wearing the leather duster and she is kind of frantically motioning for you to come over to her as quickly as you can. I do that. Okay. You move over to that woman and you turn the corner and you see her big four-wheel truck that she's got parked around the corner of the building.

And as you come around the corner, she has a sought-off shotgun trained on you. And she speaks quickly and she says, All right, then, let's hear it. What are you doing this far from the gate? Didn't anybody tell you the rules? She says, come on now, I know real magic when I see it, fess up. You thought you'd just go around blowing up ski lodge is all willy-nilly like that?

I'm flattered. I'm a magician. Those were tricks. I wish I could tell you how I did it, but as you know, magician secrets. She says, all right, explain the trick of how you made the fire retreat. By the way, cops are going to be here in a couple minutes. How did you make that fire just disappear? I'm listening.

Uh, fireproof curtains. Now, if you don't mind, I'd be happy to talk to you more in the truck away from here, please. She says, all right, well, I'm headed to Kepler anyways, and she sort of... Where? Kepler? Never heard of it. She says, uh, well, I think it's where you belong. I'm a little bit...

I'm just as confused. is you are, she holsters her shotgun in a holster she has inside of her duster. She says, all right, hop in the truck. Let's, let's get the hell out of here. Hold on first. Yeah. I need you to apologize to Dr. Harris Bonkers for pointing a gun in him. I'm very, that's your rabbit. His name is Dr. Harris Bonkers. I'm very sorry for pointing a gun at you. Cops are going to be here in about 30 seconds. Let's get the hell out of here. Hold on. Dr. Harris Bonkers, do you forgive her?

Okay, he forgives you. Let's go. He says, I know Dr. Harris's his name. years again. It's Aubrey, but you can call me the Lady Flame. Now, if you don't mind, start the fucking car. She hops in the driver's seat as you hop in the passenger's seat and turns the ignition. She says,

all right, Aubrey, it's nice to meet you. And she extends her big hand, and she says, I'm Mama. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy. You're once again, Duned Master and your best friend, and this is still what my voice sounds like, and boy, howdy, am I just real sorry about that.

So I'm just going to do this this middle bit as quick as I can because apparently if I don't have functional vocal cords, I am useless to society. So I got to sort of give myself the Mariah Carey treatment. Anyway, thank you all so much for listening to Amnesty. I hope you're enjoying it. I know this episode is a little bit slow, but I thought it would be cool to sort of give you a little bit of character development

on the boys' characters before we sort of jumped into the mystery. We actually already recorded episode two, which will be, next Thursday. So look forward to more of these sort of gravelly, dulcet tones. But yeah, I'm really, really excited for where this arc is going. I love the characters that the boys made, and I'm excited to endanger them with a big monster. If you tweet about the show using me, the Zonecast hashtag, you might end up as a character of this show. I have a couple already picked out for the ark, including Janice, who is, you're about to meet here in a little bit, the mail carrier for Kepler, West Virginia, named for at Star Folly on Twitter.

Thank you so much. Yeah, there obviously won't be a ton of opportunities just because it's a mini-arch. It's just going to be like four episodes or so. But yeah, I wanted to try to get that going again, like we did it in the balance arc. I would appreciate it if you would share this with somebody who's never listened to the show before, who you think might be interested in this kind of genre that we are going for. Got a couple Jumbotron spots here. The first one is for Paul, and it's from Ammer.

Maria, Agnes, Mint Nation, and Pez, who say, happy birthday for October 2016. Yikes! This is maybe the latest one we've ever, ever had. For letting a sullen wizard, deadly ranger, drunken cleric, and idiot monk realize their dreams for making us laugh and giving us puzzles we sometimes ignore, for teaching us that defending the innocent and sacrificing them to giant spiders is equally effective. for all of our Bryans, you're the best. Never leave us. And now I'm going to do a quick fact check to make sure it does say Bryans and not Brains. One second. I got it. I got it in one. It is

Bryans. Who, crushed it. Thank you very much for this message. Here's another one, and it's for Caesar, Argus, Matild, Leon, Camster, Vlad, Lisk, Pelden, Theo, Sheehan, and Matthias. And it's from your DM. And I'm guessing if you're part of that group and you recognize the other names. You know exactly who I'm talking about. We haven't had a chance to play in a while. I just wanted you all to know that I missed you, but I've got lots of orcs left, and we'll see how many of you I can hit next round. Hey, hit him up. It's this DM up. It's time. The adventure waits for nobody, except for us when we take a month off the show. Thank you to Maximum Fun for, oh my God, thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can check out all the great

shows that they've got there at maximum fun.org. And if you want to see more stuff that we do, you can go to mackleroyshows.com. It's where all our podcast and video stuff is. So you can find all that there. And I'm done. I can't anymore. And we'll be back next Thursday, which is going to be January 18th with the next episode of Amnesty. So I'll talk to you then. Bye. Ned, the bell over the entrance to the cryptonomica, chimes as Janus, Kepler's dedicated mail carrier finishes her route. The Cryptonomica sits at the very entrance to Kepler, just alongside the Greenbrier River, which is glistening in the mid-morning sun.

And Janice strides towards you, Ned, and begins rummaging around in her bag. But instead, she first delivers a couple of pieces of mail to this room's other inhabitant, who is Kirby. he's here often enough that she knows just to bring his mail directly to hear at his request. Kirby's in his late 20s, kind of sloppily dressed. He's drinking an RC cola, and he's typing feverishly into an old MacBook that he has at a sort of makeshift desk in like a corner of the cryptonomica. And he has it positioned his desk by your modem, which he comes by to sort of plug into, which is kind of the nature of an arrangement that we're, we'll get into later.

And Janice finishes delivering the package of the mail to Kirby and then walks over to you, Ned, and pulls out the last few pieces of mail from her bag. It's mostly just junk mail. But then she pulls out another piece of mail in a large envelope and she kind of reacts with surprise. And she says, oh, this one's certified, Ned. It looks important. Gonna need you to sign for this one.

Of course, Janice certified. Is it sent to me? I mean, in my name. Yeah, dude, do I think I deliver it to you otherwise? Well, no, I mean, if it was sent to the business, you know, sure, yeah, here, let me sign. Okay, you sign for it. Edmund Shikaze.

She's already, like, she tears off, like, the stub off the end of the, the certified sort of part of the letter and hands you the rest of it, and she pops on her headphones and heads out the door just with a wave. And you have this piece of certified mail. And it's haunted. It's haunted. A big ghost jumps out of it. No, you tear it open and it's an eviction notice.

You have, it tells you that you are two months late on your rent for the Cryptonomica, and you have seven days to pay the last two months rent. And you feel this pang of sort of like anger because this was definitely issued by somebody at City Hall who is like gleefully, uh, pursuing. the opportunity to get rid of your establishment. Like we talked about in the setup episode, there's this friction between like the cryptid industry side of town and the like quaint tourism industry side of town. You also kind of saw this letter coming because visitors at the cryptonomica have been kind of few and far between and revenue has dwindled. And before we go any further, I want to hear from you about what the cryptonomica looks like.

What's, what do you got in there? Um, Krippenomica, uh, is really kind of divided up into two areas. There's one main area, uh, that is open to the, to the public, um, with a lot of glass cases, um, and a lot of, uh, shelves, uh, tables, mostly cases. I say it's dominated by the glass cases. And there's, there's another room, a back room that is similar to the front room, but maybe about a third of the size. And it has things in it too, but that's not open to the general public. Can I ask you a question, Dad? Is it like a museum or like a shop?

I think it's like a shop. I mean, every museum has a shop in it. Yeah, but I mean, is it like a gift shop touristy thing? Or is it like, look on these wonders? I think Ned portrays it that way. But it's, you know, every one of these wonders can be bought. Ah, got, got, got, got to. These once of, one-of-a-kind, amazing artifacts and mystic tomes, whatever, can all be purchased for a ridiculous fee.

And there are, like, spinners with pamphlets in it. I thought you were going to say fidget spinners. Yeah, I thought so, too. No. With like Bigfoot's face on him. And he's got a lot of books, you know, about every cryptid you can imagine, Mothman and the Jersey Devil and Nessie and some that are kind of dedicated to some of the local cryptids that are rumored to be rumbling about. But Ned is going to portray them to the public as amazing wonders,

one of a lifetime items that can pierce through the veil of ignorance and enlighten everyone. But Ned doesn't necessarily believe any of that. Oh, hell now. Okay. He doesn't believe in any of it. Also in this room, as I talked about earlier, is a corner where Kirby is working at a desk. and he sees you open this letter. He stands up from the desk, walks over to a vending machine in the corner, and pops out, pops in a couple quarters, and he grabs a fresh RC Cola.

Any motions to you, Ned, like, you want one? No, thank you, friend Kirby. I'd much rather you get back to finishing whatever you're doing so you can get the hell out of my shop. He kind of chuckles. Museum, my museum. He kind of chuckles, and he goes and he sets the can of soda down on his desk, and he says, Well, what did you get, Ned? I received a communique from the local bureaucracy, Kirby.

And apparently they would like me to vacate the premises or pay them the exorbitant fees that they demand. He kind of, like, puts his head in his hands and, like, rubs his temples for a second. He's like, you got an eviction notice, Ned? You got to fix this. I like working here with you. It's a good arrangement. Anything you can do to jump up? Let's talk about that arrangement, Kirby.

What exactly do you do around here? What do you contribute to my well-being? Well, you know, I'm an income generator, Ned. You know how this works. I'll explain, because this is like a thing you would know. This is not like, I'm introducing this to the game, but this is something Ned would know. Kirby runs a local cryptid zine called the lamplighter.

And he writes about stuff. It's like a one page weekly. He writes about cryptid activity in Kepler and it's circulation. I mean, he puts it up in, you know, roadside restaurants and gets it out to a couple establishments outside of town to bring in some folks. But your arrangement is as such that he writes about cryptids and then people, if they get interested in it, they come here to the cryptonomica, which is, I think,

something Kirby had to give you the hard sell on, but it has worked in the past. Apparently not well enough. Yeah, things are definitely slow. He says, you're going to have to drum up some cash, Ned. Can you just, he starts looking around the cryptonomica.

He's like, can't you just hawk some of this old stuff? I'm betting some weirdos out there would pay a pretty penny for it. And while he's saying that, he's eyeballing one exhibit you've got in particular. It's like a strange looking weapon mounted in a display case on the wall. You know, I bought almost all this stuff on eBay. So I'm not sure there's a lot of resale. Perhaps back in my private stock.

Yes, I think perhaps I may have to part with some of my extremely precious items in the back room. He says, I know, I know you've never been in it. I know you don't know what I'm talking about. but, um... Oh, I go back there all the time. Oh. You do? Yeah, man.

I mean, I'm a journalist. I got to know the truth of the matter. I got to know what's going on. Yeah, I may have to have that key back. He says, listen, you... He might not need to sell anything. We could just do the usual. He says, in fact, it seems like you're hurting.

He walks over to his desk and he says, uh, I think maybe it's time we pull out the big guns. I think it's time for a new exhibit. And he turns his laptop around, he spins it to face you, and you can see what's on the screen. It's the front page of the next issue of the lamplighter. And you see a headline in a staggeringly large font just below the masthead, which reads, Bigfoot hiding out in Kepler. And Kirby says, I know it's pretty mainstream, but folks are just crazy about Bigfoot. You could become a destination for Bigfoot activity and put the kryptonomic on the map.

Well, Kirby, I think the seven people who will actually read that might be extremely interested. Okay, I think I can probably dust off some of the Bigfoot stuff and set it up in a new display. He says, I don't know about your old Bigfoot stuff, though. I'm talking about a new exhibit, Ned. Something that is going to bring in folks who've already been here and make this place the Bigfoot capital of the world. Well, that's fine, Kirby, but I think what you're forgetting is we have to have stuff from the real Bigfoot. And since there is no real Bigfoot, then there's no stuff from the real Bigfoot. So what do you suggest I make a display about?

He says, I mean, come on, man. You know, you know the deal. You got to take matters into your own perhaps costume wearing hands sometimes. And he winks. He's like, listen, we both know the Bigfoot is bullshit, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Get out in the woods. Take some blurry fucking pictures. I don't know, whatever people usually do to make Bigfoot stuff happen.

But you do that, and this place is going to pop off, I'm telling you. You know, I do have that wookie costume from last Halloween. And it's obviously a slight whelp of a child like you. But you can take shitty pictures, can't you? He's like, I'm on a tight deadline for the next issue, but I think that wookie costume would look great on you. You go out there, time, do a set a timer on your phone. I can show you how to do it. I know you have trouble with some of your phones, more advanced functions.

But I think that's going to be great. And let me tell you, Ned, personally speaking, I cannot wait to see these photos. These are going to be some choice images, my man. All right, I'll do it. Will you keep an eye on the shop? He says... The museum. The museum.

He says, yeah, I'll do it. I don't know how late you're planning on being, but I can close up if need be. Let me tell you, I don't know how I'm going to keep up with this rush of customers, though. Oh, my God. You got to remind me how everything works, because it's going to get so frantic in here with all the customers. Ha, ha, ha. Kiss my ass, Kirby. And Kirby laughs and he cracks open his that RC Cola and he sits back down at his desk and starts working on the next lamplighter.

As Ned, you start planning your next grift. You are going to bring Bigfoot to Kepler. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Max FunCon tickets are on sale now at maxfuncon.com. Watch stand-up comedy on a mountain. Roll out of bed after a dance.

party to see a live podcast taping. Take classes from amazing teachers with the most supportive group of people you'll ever meet. Make a bunch of friends and eat a ton of s'mores. Come to Max FunCon at Lake Arrowhead, California, the second weekend of June for friendship, comedy, and creativity. Get your ticket now at maxfuncon.com. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sidney McRoy. Every week, we release a medical history podcast called Sawbones.

We go over the history of the dumb. grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach turning, you won't believe it. But it's also like, funny. It's funny. It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine. It's a real hoot.

It's called Sawbones, and we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold, and right here on Maximumfun.org.