The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 12

Episode Date: July 12, 2018

A Lunar Interlude. The Pine Guard and the residents of Amnesty Lodge take a well-earned break at a local winter recreation hotspot. Aubrey meets the Hornets. Duck reveals soupy secrets. Ned logs onto the InterNed. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. This computer used to belong to a dude named Thacker. He was with the Pined Guard from the start, too. He kept notes on everything they ever fought. About six years ago, Thacker took off in the middle of the night without a word to anyone. There's a lot of that going around these days. Standing just in front of the doorway is an imposing figure who is draped in a ratty, dirt-covered coat. Either y'all know how to drive.

Yeah? Great. You're going to need to get me to a hospital. And she falls to her knees and collapses on the ground in a heap. And all the sylvan's outside look up as Danny announces the good news. Mama's home. So it's been two weeks since the Pine Guard defeated the abomination plaguing the waters of Kepler, West Virginia, with Ducks Blade, Aubrey's Magic, and Ned's surprising aqua dynamics. and a little help from a contractor pigeon, you all saved the town, except for H2O.

That was fun, which got pretty well in Fandiland during the ensuing battle. But that's okay. You can't break a few eggs without eating an omelet. You'll make an omelette if you do that. They got a new tagline. It's H2O that was fun. It's a big pool now because it's just one big pool now. I really like how they had a big PR re-rerefer.

branding where they just capitalized was to really hit like age oh oh that was bolded that was there was a time when this was fun um we will rebuild it um abry when you returned when stronger funner wetter wetter obri when you returned home you witnessed the uh return of mama proprietor of amnesty lodge who stumbled in looking pretty worse for wear and then looking pretty unconscious uh and she remained that way as you drove her to the St. Francis Medical Center, where she was stabilized and admitted with haste. Her condition was pretty serious. She had a few bruised ribs, a broken ankle, some internal bleeding, and a head wound that left her just down for the count. It has been two weeks since Mama's return. It is early November now, and snow has begun to fall

in Kepler, West Virginia. Despite sort of the lovely, snowy scenery, Mama's condition. has sort of cast a pall over Amnesty Lodge, and it is for this exact reason that Jake Kulice suggests a day trip to get everybody's minds off the troublesome status of their leader. Y'all are going skiing. We're going to pipe stem? Pipestim? Yeah. It's a ski town in West Virginia.

It's probably where a whole bunch of people go so they don't go to Kepler. Let me get in on this. fucking pipe stem, dude Yeah, yeah, okay. No, you are all actually, you three and your sort of entire Sylvan assembly are headed to the ski lodge at the base of Mount Kepler.

It's close, it's convenient. I guess I said day trip, but it's more like four minutes walk from Amnesty Lodge. I see. So you all have arrived at the ski lodge at Mount Kepler. Jake is in sort of rare form, very excited, he's waxed and his board.

He's sharing a few pointers with a few his more concerned colleagues. Moira is attempting to strap on some skis without sort of phasing right through them with her ghost legs. Danny is like bundling up to a near sort of Randy from Christmas story degree. Barclay is trying to find any kind of ski capable of housing his gargantuan feet. And I don't really have much prepared for this next part. I'm just curious what Duck Aubrey and Ned are hope to achieve from this day at

It's Mount Kepler Ski Trails Park, is what it's called, I guess. Mount Kevler Ski Trails Park. And Rosner. And Burger Place. Colon, that was also fun. I'm going to say that Aubrey has never skied before in her life. So I'm going to say maybe, maybe. She has swallowed her pride.

and she has asked Jake Coolice for some like bunny slope lessons. For sure. Ned, Duck, what do you think your characters are up to at the ski lodge? Two words. Hot toddy. Just bevin out in the... I believe Ned has had a really bad experience trying to ski where he got to the top of the ski lift, came off, fell forward, and the swing hitting him in the back of the head.

head. And that kind of put him off the whole ski thing. Can we, can we play that out just in Foleyware? This is an audio medium, so maybe we can do like a flashback of like, yeah. I'm not sure about this. Oh, well, so what? Do I just plant my feet? Okay. Where we go? Boom. Shit! Bob, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba bum. Just hang out at the lodge, drinking hot toddies and, you know, making conversation with people. Anything to keep from being killed on the slopes. Duck, what about yourself? I'm going to come find Ned to come eat dinner with me for a reason.

Okay. Yeah, we're going over to Wolfender. It's the Wolfenber Grill. It's like the nicer restaurant, but it's not like, I feel like this probably isn't one of the super upscale resorts. It's like I feel like local people can still go there, yeah? Yeah, for sure. It is the...

There's some places in West Virginia where it's not like that, where it's like, oh, boy, this is just people coming in from out of town. Yeah, I think this is a very accessible... That's kind of why I pinned park to it, is that, like, this is not fancy, fancy, super expensive snow shoe, right, where you come and you stay in the nice, nice resorts, and you pay like 80 bucks for a ski lift and then, you know, ski around.

This is more like pipe stem. I guess you keep fucking saying that, but I don't know it. Well, it's a resort and state park. You know, it's got fishing, geocaching, camping, boating, biking, golfing, hiking, horseback riding. We can all Google. Okay, let's start with Aubrey. Aubrey, you and most of the sylphs that came here to ride the slopes go out and you get on to a ski lift to go to the top of Mount Kepler. You're probably there with Danny, who looks at you.

you from behind, you know, 18 layers of thick fabric and says, so how many stunts do you think, like how many flips and grinds? Like, what do you think you're capable? I know it's your first day, but, like, I guess my expectations are pretty high. I mean, probably, I would say 16 to 17, like six stunts, maybe like 16 and a half, if I had to guess. I can do the thing where I make my skis kind of shape like pizza. Is that a stunt?

That qualifies as a stunt, yeah, according to the X-Games rules. Okay, well, that's one stunt, and then I can do the thing where they're like French fries side-by-side and inch forward. So, like, that's a stunt. And then I could do a thing where I try to stop and kind of fall over. So that's, like, three stunts right there. And then I can take my skis off and go home. So that's four stunts already. That's at least four good stunts, yeah, for sure.

And as you reach the top and sort of meet up at the rest of the sylphs who reach the top of the ski lift, Jake Kulai skis over and says, he boards over, I should say. He would not touch a fucking ski. He's a boarder for life. But he comes over to you and says like, okay, so what are you all feeling like? Should we just like head straight to bone multure? Or do you want to go like work our way up to bone multure? You're feeling like a black diamond, blue circle? What are you feeling like?

Is there like my first hill? I mean, there's a bunny slope, but that's not going to teach you the fundamentals. You got to be in that real life, life or death, hurtling down. I feel like it kind of you do a little bit. He says, I'll tell you what, we'll head to a nice little blue circle. We'll get you started out there. It's a bit of a longer one, so you'll be able to get your legs out onto you. What's it called?

I'm having trouble remembering. The slippery-dippery? I think it is the, yeah, yeah, here it is on the map, slippery-dippery. The slippy dip, as we call it, or the slip-dip sometimes. If you are, you know, going by somebody on your snowboard really fast, and you want to be able to yell out the name to them in an efficient way. But, yeah, we'll meet you, maybe the rest of the guy, you know, folks will meet up with us at the top of the slip dip, and we can just do a few practice runs down that.

So, you know the pizza, you know the French fries? Yeah, I know pizza, I know French fries, I know fall over, and I know take skis all go home. A lot of people won't tell you this, the pro skiers. Pizza and french fries is basically all there is to it. Jake, I can't believe that's true. I'm on two sticks on like ice and snow. It's really cold and I hate that. And it feels like I'm missing something. I mean, yeah, I mean, you are missing a lot of stuff like one of these. And he just like does a flip standing perfectly still. How the fuck did you do that? Yeah, you'll work your way up to it. Think of It's just like super advanced pizza and French fries.

All right, let's go. And he pushes off towards the slip dip. And we hop over to Ned. You are sitting in the lobby of the Mount Kepler ski trails, ski lodge. And just it's real nice. There's a nice little hearth going. There's not too many people in here. Just a few folks sitting around at these various sort of benches and nice, big,

comfy chairs by the fire. He's wearing one of those big puffy vests. You know, that skier, you know, in like red, yellow and blue, anticipating the new Captain Marvel movie. Yeah. With no plans to actually ski. It's just a cut. It's like a, what are the things they give dogs, a thunder? A thunder shirt.

Yeah. A thunder jacket. Yeah. Just a nice warm vest on. Well, he's wearing the vest just in case somebody comes crashing through the window off the hill and slams into him. A real danger at ski resorts. They don't tell you that. He really worries.

Sure. And there is an attendant here that comes to refresh your hot toddy. You've had a couple at this point, got that nice warm belly. You've always been here, Mr. Chaconne. And he tells you you died here in the 60s. And there's a picture on the wall behind me. We have several in-fiction ghosts at this point. So I think I maybe should be careful what I make even remotely joke canon. Can I change my scene to happen in the hedgeways out back? Maybe you'll crash into it. Okay. So this attendant comes to refresh your hot toddy, and he looks at sort of your winter wear, and he says,

so are you planning on heading up the mountain anytime soon before we lose the daylight and getting a couple runs down? Oh, yes. That's where they call me the black diamond. Ned Black Diamond Chican I do a lot of sluicing up there on the slopes

zipping on down you know ever since you know winning the World Cup of skiing a few years ago The World Cup of skiing? Oh yes, yes you know all the all the countries

send their best skiers and we ski in different places and it's you know once every four years it's pretty interesting Yeah I heard about that I participated in the Super Bowl of snowboarding once, and that went well, won the snowboarding Stanley Cup for that one, which is real exciting.

Someone is putting his tip in danger. Yep, yeah, like we say up here on the mountain all the time, I've got an endangered tip. But you be careful when you head up there now, all right? It seems like something has it out for Kepler's outdoor activity centers. You hear about what happened to H2O? Oh, that was a shame. I did hear about that. always a great place. But you know, they still have the pool. I guess they got the pool,

but they got a lot of debris, too. It sounds like what happened, based on what I've heard, I got some buddies in the force. They say that it seems like something ripped that park. Now, isn't that curious, what's got enough power to tear apart a whole water park? Wild dogs. I've heard a lot about wild dogs. I mean, large, very large. wild dogs. And big feet, the big feet, you know, if you, if you cross the big feet, they, oh, and they hate water recreation. Yeah, I could see the big feet and the dogs working together for sure.

Yeah, they're all covered with hair and, you know, they're, they're like brothers and sisters. For sure, for sure. I got a theory, though. Don't nobody else want to hear it. I wondered if you might want to hear it. Of course, yes. I live on theory. Well, it's aliens.

Yeah, they're back here. Back in Kepler. I had a little run-in with them myself. It was Tuesday night, November 15th, 1988. I was out walking my dog Braxton. Got sucked up in this wormhole dealy. All these little ephemeral beings started investigating me. I told him, drop me right back down or else I was going to get my 12-gauge. Fill her whole ass full of buckshot. And that must have scared him something fierce, because, is they comply, drop me right back off. I ain't never seen hide nor hair of them since.

Now, because I guess they're back, tearing up our water parks, guess they need a reminder. So you keep a lookout and come tell old Eugene if you see anything otherworldly out there. Eugene, you know what is amazing to me? What's that, man? That a 50-plus-year-old man can make a living tending bar in a ski resort. How do you do that?

That's for me to know and for you to find. And I'm not really that interested. I just was trying to make conversation. All right. And he walks back to the bar of the ski lodge. Let me hop over. Lovable Eugene. Now, Eugene, you're giving him the story. Net, have you not heard this one before? Oh, about the aliens? Yeah, I love the part. How long have you been standing there, Doug? Just walked up. But I, you know, I need about three seconds of that spiel before. I can side it pretty much word for word at this point. It was Tuesday night, November 15, 1988.

Yeah, we know you change. Braxton was there. It's Braxton. Gone to Jesus. Braxton did. No. I don't mean to take you away from this amazing tale. Oh, God, please.

Take me away. But I have a very important errand that I need to run over at the Wolf's Amber Grill. Oh. So if you want to join me, I'd be happy for your company. They have amazing putteen. Amazing pootin. Yeah, let's go.

No, they don't. I've read it on Yelp. No, but. That's my style. My carvers size is no butt. Come on. Let's go. All right, let's talk back to Aubrey.

Aubrey, you're on the slippery-dippery. And why don't you roll? to act under pressure. Let's see how you're doing. Oh, my God. Not great. What's your cool? But consistent. My core is zero. Uh-oh. So that's a six.

You're doing fucking bad. I guess you're like experience? Okay. That's good. Okay. Here's what I'll say. You're actually doing, you're doing all right. It is a blue circle. It is a nice, God, please let me make sure. Uh, no, it's green circle blue square. Holy shit. I'm so glad I caught that. It's a green circle, nice, nice calm sort of trail nice and a nice long trail with some cool twist twists and turns through the nice snowy sort of mountain side it's it's a nice scenic run and you're doing okay with it and you're keeping up pace with everybody as they sort of go down with you you're sort of side by side with danny and barclay

and jake as they are going down the hill but you kind of break away because you're not so great at controlling your speed there's a lot of that you get to like the only kind of steep part of the hill. And as you go over the edge of it and start to go downward, you realize that there's some stuff on the hill that looks like it maybe shouldn't be there. There's like a plastic ramp that somebody has put there. There's like a saw horse, but like really, really long that has been laid out right in front of that ramp, almost like a nice grinding rail, like they call them.

And just like some obstacles that are set. up that you are just not prepared for your pizza and French fries proof sort of make you incapable of navigating these. And I think you hit that ramp and just come crashing down and break through that sawhorse for zero harm. Oh, what? Yeah, I don't think it's a serious enough thing that I would make you take damage for it. It's a lunar interlude episode.

We're just trying to have some fun here. But quickly, like the other sylphs, they pull up beside you and come to a stop. And Danny says, holy shit. Okay, that did qualify as a stunt, but are you okay? Is your neck hurt? Are we supposed to move her for her neck's hurt? It's a no, right? How's your neck?

Fine? Let me, yes, still there. Jake is sort of eyeing over these obstacles that somebody has put out on the hill, and you see behind you as you're kind of craning your neck around a figure, come over that slope and come down towards you. He's a young guy in his early 20s. He's got a short cropped mohawk. He's wearing a black windbreaker with an insignia on the breast featuring what looks like a hornet on it. And he's holding a camcorder. And he kicks up snow in that really cool way that like bullies do in movies as he skids to a stop in front of you. And he says, now that's the weirdest thing. Y'all are standing on the slip and dip, which us hornets are shooting our newest press. promo video on, but I don't recognize y'all from the Hornets. Now, I might have missed a meeting or something and missed some new recruits, but I think y'all might just kind of be in the way,

fucking up my shot. Isn't that weird? Hornets? Yeah, you ain't heard of the Hornets? If I were going to pick, like, some kind of, like, mascot for, like, snow extremes, Hornets are not known for, like, their sick ice tricks. Well, Hornets aren't just, exclusive to the snow. Listen, you don't need to know everything there is to know about the Hornets. You just need to know that you don't want to get on our bad side. So I'm going to suggest y'all get the fuck out of here. Head to a different trail. Bunny slope might be better just by the looks. So you just sort of your pizza french fries technique. It's okay. It's getting there, but it's not quite super stable yet. Um, so get skiddle. Skiddle? No. Rumble. He hops off

his board and starts to take a couple steps towards your party. And then he looks at Jake Coolice and he says, oh, I get it. I don't know why I assumed y'all might be Hornets if you're hanging with a scrub like Jake Coolice. Excuse me? Let's hop over to Duck and Ned. I might have peaked a little bit there. Yeah, it's all right. You got to defend our boy. We can just sit over here in the in the corner of this booths normally where i where i post up you hungry well i was had my heart set on some putteen but you say there isn't any no uh there's not it's a pretty uh straight up and down place what they do have though and i'll i'll order for the both of us specifically the greatest french onion soup you've ever had in your entire life don't play with me

I know, Ned, I know. I know it sounds like a big swinger for the fence, the fences promise. And I know that you've traveled all over this, uh, this beautiful country of ours. But I'm telling you, it's the best French onion soup I've ever had in my entire life. Funny enough, I got the recipe once. I, the chef, uh, Hubert, I gave him a jump when his Camry was dead back in, I guess was probably 06, oh, seven. And I traded in the recipe for a jump.

Now, I would have given him the jump anyway, but, you know, I decided to make a run for it. Tried to. Hubert eyes you from the kitchen through a small gap and, like, a window between the kitchen and the dining room, just like giving you the stink guy because he knows, you know, his dark secret. The secret is, and this is going to fuck you up. I took a home and I tried to make it. The only one part of my plan that kind of broke down is I can't cook for shit. So I ended up with basically chicken broth and onion rings, which was not the desired effect. The only thing that even seems weird when I Google other recipes, they put anus in it, like a little bit of anus.

You'll taste it when we get it. But it's honestly, it's going to knock you on your ass. And you will never have a better French onion soup. Hubert walks over to your table. I don't even think he needs you all to order. I think he knows what you need. There he is. what you crave. And he places the

cup of soup down in front of Ned. And sure enough, this, oh, Ned. Oh, Ned, the smell. Ned, the smell, Ned. The cheesiness. It's unfathomable. There is a nice, nice sort of browning of this cheese layer that's dripping over the side of this nice, like, terracotta, like pot that this fucking soups and it's so good. And he holds the

cup out, and he's still holding yours duck, and he's just kind of looking at you. We're pretty excited about it. There. Hubert, thanks for bringing it bye. He kind of grimaces. He leans down. He says, have you kept it secret?

Yeah, Hubert. I mean, it's not, yeah. I mean, I mentioned one of the ingredients to my friend here, but you could, you couldn't trust him. I didn't, I only told him about the one thing. I didn't mention the, the Amish Gruyere you use or nothing like that. Oh, my God. Ah, damn it.

I'm sorry, Hewold. Listen, Ned's not, Ned's good. Ned, you're not going to cook this good soup, are you? I'm not right away. No. Ned, please don't fuck with Hubert, man. He's dangerous. I've seen this guy do some shit.

Please don't fuck with Hubert. Hubert, you have my word as an honest gentleman. Hubert, I know this man is genetically incapable of sounding like he's telling the truth. I don't know why he says everything like that, Hubert, but please, you have to believe him. He sets the cup of soup down in front of you, now duck, and he stands up over the table, and he looks at both of you, sort of unsure if he can trust you, and he just says right before he walks away. I know Kroffmaga. And he walks away and leaves.

He does. What? Hell, yeah. Let's get here. No, go on. I want to wait to eat because I want to see you. I just, I don't, I know this is weird. I just want to, I just want to watch.

Well, to start with, I'm going to reach down and pull up just a little bit of the cheese that has melted over the side and kind of lift that. And it kind of lifts the whole flap of cheese. Just a taste, just a little bit to let the aroma come out. And it wafts out. Yeah. Pop it in my mouth. And it practically melts.

There's like no chewing involved. That's what you want. See, a lot of people just put a slab of cheese on there. No. But you got to grate it because it mixes into the soup, right? That's what Hubert told me at least. And look at the bread from the bread cube that's in the middle of what? What is that?

It looks like a bagel almost. The bread from a bagel. Look at the sides of that thing. Breyosh. Breyosh. Oh, so we have brioche and grue there. Yeah, it's not an easy to pronounce suit, but it sure is easy to eat. I'll tell you.

It's time for a spoonful. It's actually pretty gross. No, I'm just kidding. It's fucking great. In fact, as you two both tuck into this suit, you both get one experience point, just from how tasty the soup is. Good soup. All right. Saying that I realize you could just keep coming here and just fucking farm.

What's up, y'all? This is our eunice. These are the crush bone belts. This is an any percent run of the Adventure Zone Amnesty. You want to skip a lot of the leveling. You just go to the ember wolf or whatever it was. Wolf emmer. Wolfember.

Okay, so let's finish our soup. Here's 20 minutes of soup eating noises. No, and I've cut it. It's gone. I don't know. We did record it to see you all know. So, right? Was I lying?

Mm-mm. Duck, I owe you. That was life-changing. That soup has, was soup for the soul. Somebody ought to write a book like that. French onion soup for the soul. It's got, I mean, it's catchy. Here's a while.

Okay. We got a few more. minutes right or hold on so okay it was uh right around my 18th birthday and my uh lady friend at the time tabitha brought me up here sort of like a welcome to adulthood kind of thing she had a lot of friends that i didn't really get along with she was like uh she was slumming it with duck let's just put it let's just put it that way your daddy had a lot of money and i didn't really get along with her friends too well and they came up here all the time but this was my first time coming up here. And I went out on the slopes and none of them wanted to do the skiing class

because they'd all been coming up here for however long. So I would have been the only one, you know, learning how to ski. So they, I just kind of went out with everybody. And I basically just kind of fell my way down the hill. Like some of it was on my ass and none of it was on my feet. I just kind of like trumbled. That's not a word, but it fits. It is now. I trumbled my way down to the bottom of the hill, and I've never been so cold, and I've never been so tired.

And I right then and there, they were all skiing, have a hell of a time. And I just wandered over here to the wolf ember. And I don't know what prompted me to order French onion soup. I think they may have even brought it by mistake. But when I tasted it, I realized I had never eaten. eating French onion soup. And it was the best thing I'd ever put in my mouth. And I'd spent years, 18 years, missing out on French onion soup.

Like all the times I could eat in French onion soup, but I love the stuff. Had no idea. And that was all I could think about. And that night was the first time I turned down Minerva. Because all I could think about, and she was talking about me, put my life out and and risking it all, all I could think about, and I know this is stupid, but all I could think about was all the French onion soup I'd missed. And if I died, all the French onion soup that I'd miss out on in the future, I swear to God,

but I turned down saving the world to eat French onion soup. And when I say it out loud to you now in this exact context, I feel like kind of an asshole about it if I'm being honest. I get that. It's a good soup though, right? It's great soup if you're going to do it for anybody. Matter of fact, I have a special guest here to ask. Come in for just a moment, please.

We're talking about French onion soup. It's your grandmother, boys. It's Nani is here. Hi, Nani. Wait a minute. Here, wait a minute. So tell the boys what's the best French onion soup you ever have. She's thinking.

Prince Tavern in Huntington, West Virginia. What was so special about it? Do you, what made it so delicious? For some reason, French onion soup is a hot topic on this episode. It just had more body. It was very flavorful. It was, and they had the croutons. It was wonderful.

There you go. That sounds real good. And that was in Huntington. You can't get that in Cincinnati, not in Lexington. Not even in Huntington anymore. That's close. Thank you, Nanny. Thanks, Nottie.

Bye, Nani. All right. I just thought I'd bring in an expert there since we were talking about French onion soup. Yeah. Now Nani exists in the fiction of our universe, which is going to take some time to the process. Aubrey, we'll hop back to you. Things have gotten kind of heated on the hill. Like hot French onion soup. I love you all dearly very much as my family. I would bury a Bowie knife in any of your chests to eat fringe onion soup this exact second. Carry it to the health.

Oh, I see a merch opportunity for us. We're going to sell soup? That doesn't, that's food. We're going to sell loose soup. Have you ever seen soup sold? I mean, like French onion soup sold in a store? No. Have you ever seen French onion soup sold in a store?

That's a heck of a question. I'm back to the other scene. Okay. Things are started to get kind of heated. And right, as it seems like, like a perhaps even a brewhaha might break out. Definitely a row of some sort. Yes, you see a dozen figures now come skiing and snowboarding down that hill that this guy just came down.

And they are all descending in this perfect flying V. And as they stop in perfect formation, the person in the front of this crew pops off of their board and approaches you. And their jacket stands out from the rest of their unit. It's bright yellow with black accents with a striped ring around the collar. They're wearing these slick-looking black sunglasses over this neoprene half-face mask, which they pull down off their face as they dismount. And they snap. And Keith stands to attention as do the rest of the hornets behind them.

And they say, that's enough, Keith. We've got enough footage today, I think, anyways. It's nice to see you, Jake. And Jake looks kind of in stunned silence as they continue speaking and they say, I hope my over-eager lieutenant here didn't cause you all too much trouble. The Hornets have no qualms with other extreme sports enthusiasts just looking to get a little adrenaline rush. You have my apologies. And you would be...

My name is Hollis. I guess you could say I'm sort of in charge of this little outfit. And this is Keith. He's my lieutenant. and he gets a little excited sometimes. I try to keep it down. Sometimes it's a good quality to have, but not when he's just making trouble for strangers.

We were just shooting a little promo video here today, and I guess you all sort of got in the shot. But I think we got enough other footage, don't you think, Keith? And Keith kind of grimaces and nods. Promo video for the Hornets for what? To put on the Internet, you know, to raise our profile a little bit, try and get some sponsorships maybe. we're always scrapping out here, always trying to make a buck.

Speaking of which, we should probably get back and start editing. We got a big mountain bike shoot happening tomorrow that we need to get ready for. So have a good rest of your day on the hill. Do some sick stunts. Okay, sick jacket. They snap and everybody sort of hops back on their boards, and they turn to you and Hala says, hey, cool hair. And just like that, all the Hornets.

take off on their boards and skis once more and go flying down the mountain in this formation, except for Keith, who kind of sneers at you all for, like, another few seconds with disdain before following behind. Aubrey uses magic to melt the snow right in front of Keith. Just a little bit. Yeah, roll to use magic, then. Oh. Oh, that's the good shit.

A four. A four of less two, six. Dang, has your magic. Oh, no. I killed Keith. Mark experience again. No, here's what happens. Well, I've just leveled up. Yeah, congrats. You melt the snow in front of Keith, and he eats shit, or rather snow, I should say. And then he stands up and looks really confused and really, really startled. And then he looks back at you, Aubrey. And it's just kind of staring at you dumbfounded for a while. looks back down at the melted snow and then back up at you and then kind of looks a little like scared the ozone layer huh that's weird and then like as you start talking he like freaks out

and hops back on his board and snowboards away that's going to be a fun hard move to play with later uh and jake clears his throat and he says hey i'm sorry about that everybody i uh I used to roll with them back when they had a different name. We called ourselves the Kepler Stunt Club back then. We were all... That is a much better name. I know. I thought so, too.

We were just thrill seekers of, you know, different sorts. We were sharing our passion for, you know, mountain biking and skateboarding and snowboarding and break dancing. Motocross, just all kinds of stuff that this wonderful sort of state allows us ample access to. And then the sheriff, I guess, started cracking down a little bit on. us. They were, you know, he was saying we're a bit of a nuisance and parents just don't understand, huh? Yeah. So I guess some of them decided the best way to push back against the law and keep doing what they wanted to do was to go, you know, a little bit more illegitimate. So started calling themselves Hornets and they picked Hollis as their leader. And that wasn't my scene. So I took off and they've sort of harbored a bit of a beef ever since then. And then Barclay kind of like jumps and then he reaches to his hip and he pulls out a pager. And he says, oh, shit.

Oh, shit. So good news. Mama woke up. Bad news. She did flee the hospital. So we need to get back to the lodge like right now. I'm already there. I just say you're running down the...

It does stunt number four take off skis go home. And Ned orders two bowls of soup to go so we can get two more. Experience points and love it. Oh, yeah, there's nothing like old room temperature French onion soup. Oh, love it. Let's hop forward. The three of you and Barclay are the first ones to arrive back at the lodge, which looks sort of even more idyllic with this like fresh dusting of snow.

There's some icicles hanging from the roof and of the branches of the surrounding trees and the fallen sort of frozen needles crunch beneath your feet as you step out of the car and walk towards the entrance to the lodge. But as you approach, you notice something unusual. There is a cellar door off by sort of the corner of the front of this building that you have never really noticed before. And it is currently propped open. There's a chain and an unlocked padlock that are hanging off of its handle. Let me see what's going on in here with my instincts that I've honed in my many years of,

patrolling the parks. So that would probably be read a bad situation. Yeah, just you get mad at me when I say that. So I'm trying to put it all fancy. Yeah, sure. And then make you say it. That's a five. Looks fine of me, boys.

Take it from me. That would you add to that? Sharp. Sharp? Yeah, so a six, actually. Jesus Christ. It's a good thing you all didn't fucking, on the last episode,

which is arguably a more high-stakes episode than this mostly suit-based affair that we've had this time. You all were rolling fucking those double-sixes. And I guess it's a good thing that these episodes weren't switched and you weren't crushing your soup rolls and getting killed by the big water monster.

But I get to take a hard move. Nice. And I think what that is, is as you approach, you all sort of hesitate for a bit so Duck can try to sniff out the scene. And as you are hesitating, you see Mama. and she comes out of the cellar and sees the four of you and then slams the cellar door shut. And she turns back from the cellar door and faces all of you very quickly and says,

Oh, hey. Oh, yeah. How are you all doing? It's been a bit. And I'm so glad to see y'all looking well. And she kind of like hobbles a little bit closer to you all. You can tell she's definitely not favoring that that busted up ankle that has a cast around it. She says, how was your, how was October? Do you all have any fun Halloween plans or anything? Mama, three questions. Where have you been? Why did you leave the hospital? And why would you go into the cellar?

Yeah. Maybe we could talk about all of this inside and head to the inside of the Amnesty Lodge. I miss it so bad. And, you know, I left a bagel. in a toaster and I got real worried about that, so I want to just check on the bagel situation before maybe we unpack all that. She's behaving weirdly.

I'm going to do read a bad situation. Okay. That's a nine plus one. So at ten? Okay. First thing's first. When I read a bad situation, I can use my magic eye,

my third eye. Yeah, I don't think that's going to be relevant here. There's no magic stuff happening. So she doesn't seem like enchanted or possessed or whatever. No, no, no. It's just Mama, and she's a little, you know, busted up, but she's not, uh, you know, a skin walker. So, read about a situation. You have questions. What's my best way in? What's my best way out? Are there any dangers we haven't noticed? What's the biggest threat? What's most vulnerable?

I would say, are there any dangers we haven't noticed? Like, I'm going to say Aubrey notices she's acting kind of weird and does like, quick look around and really like takes a hard look at Mama. Yeah. Um, okay. Yeah, there's a low sort of constant. sort of beastial growl coming from the cellar. Okay, Mama, can't help but notice that your basement is growling. Well, you know, I've had some chili earlier. Mama. Why did you have to hear the fucking... Okay. All right.

I guess there's no point in keeping this all from y'all for much longer. And she opens up the cellar door, and she walks inside and beckons the four of you to come follow. I follow, and then I'm going to say, what's the biggest threat? What's going on here, Mama? What is this? The rest of you following as well? Yeah.

Ned tosses back the last of the styrofoam cup of French Indian soup and follows it. He's been drinking the whole time. Yeah. The four of you descend down into the cellar. I will answer your question in just a moment. Okay. As you walk down into the cellar, the four of you are kind of, or I should just speak for the three of you, are sort of shocked at how spacious it is down here. It's not just spacious, but it seems also kind of like lived in. This seller is

easily the size of the Lodges Lobby, and it appears to be sort of cut into several different sections all in a considerable state of disrepair. There's like a rec room looking space with a big couch in front of like an old CRT TV hooked up to an old PlayStation 1. There's a little library like reading corner with some bookshelves that are all just completely. empty. There's a section of it that looks like it used to be sort of a functioning gym with a weight bench with no actual dumbbell on it and sort of a busted up training dummy. There's like a workshop with a dingy looking bench and like a barren wall-mounted tool rack. And then finally there's like a little kitchenette and a little alcove of the cellar. And it's cupboards and it has like

a small refrigerator. They are all standing open. And the contents of all of them are strewn across the ground. There's cans and wrappers and empty boxes of food. It looks like this chamber was recently cordoned off from the rest of the cellar. There is what appears to be a large net made of these thick ropes. And as you look at them, these ropes have like this shimmering thread woven into them, almost like the sylvan fabric that you all have seen in the past and kind of what your vest is made out of, Aubrey. And so this net is hanging over the entrance to the kitchenette And through it, you see the big danger, Aubrey. At the center of this kitchenette, there is a man.

There is an older man with unkempt wild gray hair and this ratty-looking beard. He's wearing like a button-down shirt and some khakis, but they're all just ruined. They are all just dingy and oily and torn. And as you all enter the room, he looks in your direction and he just looks at. absolutely feral. He sort of bears his filthy teeth at you and emits this, this low growl that you heard outside. That is what is the most dangerous thing in the room. When Ned has extensive experience with weird shit from the Cryptonomicon. So I'm assuming, Cryptonomica. Cryptonomica. Right. So I think he's going to step close to the net and,

and peer through it and really analyze this guy and try to figure out what sort of creature he is. Okay, yeah, with a 10 you hold two, so you get to ask two questions, and what sort of creature is it was your question? And the answer to that is, it's a human. It is a human man that just looks like he has completely lost his senses and turned into this sort of bestial figure. that you see crouched on the ground in front of you behind this net. Well, then the second question is, what is being concealed here? You take a quick glance around the room, and you notice there is actually one book that is sitting on a table in sort of the reading corner of the room.

It's the only book there. The rest have been cleared out and leaving the room in this sort of state of disrepair. And that book is a journal and inscribed on the front. of the journal, you can see a name. And that name is... Thacker? Facker. Good...

Wow. Hey! Good fucking... That's fucking unbelievable. I'm not a complete moron. Really? I've been a... I'm not complete.

It is the name of Facker, who, if you remember, is the owner of the computer and the sort of former record keeper of the Pine Guard. who, I believe, Barclay explained, went missing a while ago. And as you notice that Barclay also says, holy shit, that's Thacker. Mama, where the fuck did you find Thacker? Mama kind of sighs, and then she hobbles over to a load-bearing sort of pillar in the center of the room.

There's a few of these sort of strewn about. She leans up against one to take some weight off her ankle, and she says, all right. So, God, where to fucking start? Y'all are a bit new to this, so there's a bit of context you're probably missing out on. I've been doing this for 30 years, and you used to be able to set your watch by the abominations. They've always been dangerous, but they used to be predictable. But now they're getting stronger.

They're starting to break the rules. Out of curiosity, what was that last abomination like, the one I missed out on? It was wet, you know, it was a real watery one. And it gathered around water and made itself like bigger and it was like, you know, a watery monster thing. And she kind of chuckles and she says, so let me get this straight. We get a powerful firewielding magician that joins our party. And the next abomination is made out of water. Don't you think that's a heck of a coincidence?

Oh, wait. Are you saying somebody planned it? She says, I don't know, but for whatever reason, recently. the abominations, they started playing for keeps. So I went out and I tried to find Thacker. He left years ago. And when she says his name, he kind of like lifts his head up and snarls and then kind of like leans back down to his sort of focused on the floor position.

She says he left years ago. He headed out to Sylvain, see what he could learn about, well, where the abominations come from. He went beyond the walls of the city out there. He went into the corrupted lands. surround Sylvain, where those unlucky enough to get trapped end up getting, you know, a little nasty. And he studied those folks. He survived out there in the inhospitable wilds all the time looking for source of the abominations. Now, it took me a long time to find him. And when I did,

he, well, he was like this. He spent a bit too much time out in the dark. He lost himself out there. But I managed to get him back here. It wasn't easy. But I managed to get him back here. Lock him up down here. Down at... Wow, I haven't been down here in a bit. This actually used to be a safe haven for the Pines Guard, where we did our work back when there were, you know, enough of us to justify having a safe haven.

Anyway, he's not especially talkative, as you can see, but as was his charge here with the Pine Guard, he kept records of his studies in his journals. He didn't find anything. She holds up one of his journals and says, he found, you know, some feral silfs, sure, but nothing like the abominations. be faced in the past, no, you know, cracks in the fabric of reality that these things keep

slipping through. He looked for years, y'all, and he found just, he found dick. And who is Dick? The flop thickens. No, he found nothing. He didn't find anything. And what y'all got to understand, something that I've been realizing over the last couple years of hunting monsters to protect this town is we fight the abominations to protect Kepler because someone's got to do it. But one day, we're going to face something stronger and craftier than we are and we're going to lose. Or maybe we won't. Maybe we're going to slay every damn thing that comes through that gate until we get old and until we lose our edge.

Until someone maybe gets wise about the portal who crosses over and starts a war with Sylvain. Or until the gate shuts down and opens up somewhere else. on earth turns into somebody else's problem. It's starting to feel a bit like a futile effort. So I headed out into the wilds of Sylvain to try and find somebody that I hope might have an answer, but once again, we've come up empty. She sets the book down and she turns towards you all, and she looks, she doesn't look as sprightly as she usually does. She looks pretty tired. She says, the Pyingard's work is hard. And it's necessary. But really, it's just a stall. Unless we can figure out where the abominations are coming from,

one day the monsters are going to win. Hey everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your people's champion of the WWF. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Adventures On Amnesty, episode 12, our first sort of proper lunar interlude. Hope you enjoy it. Got a message here for Mike, and it's from Aistra, Harvard, Vurek, and Zerg, who say, six years, real time, six months game time, inept interrogation, wanton artifact destruction, and home alone exports. Happy birthday, Mike. Thanks for being our terrific and ever-patient DM and for all the amazing props over the years.

We're also sorry for always ruining your stuff. At least we only spent three hours deliberating on this message. This is the most D&D party-ass message I've ever heard, all the way down to. sorry that we sort of coordinated to ruin your brilliant storytelling. And also it took us three hours to make like a decision on essentially three sentences worth of content. But hey, Mike, happy birthday. Keep up the great work. Here's a message for Heather.

And it's from Sam who says, surprise. Hi, Heather. I got you a jumbo-tron for your birthday or our anniversary or Christmas, whatever holiday fits. Maybe none of those. Thanks for taking me on tons of adventures, including traveling across the country to see those good, good boys. Anyways, love you lots, Sam. Now that there is just one of them sweet messages. That's one of those sweet messages that I love so much.

Each time I read one, it adds like two weeks to my life. So keep them coming. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you do so, you might end up as a character in the show. Characters like Eugene, named for Eugene Archibald on Twitter. Thank you, Eugene. Or Keith, Keith, name for Keith Wallman on Twitter. Thank you so much.

And, yeah, keep it going. We're about to start a new sort of act in the story. So now is a great time to share the show with your friends on Twitter and you might end up as a character. And we sure do appreciate you, you know, spreading the word and helping us sort of build our audience. It means a lot that you all have done that so much already. So thank you all very much. And thank you to Max Fund for having us on the network. You can go to Maximumfund.org and check out all the great shows there.

Shows like Stop Podcasting yourself, shows like Bubble, and so many more. We actually were on an episode of Bubble. that came out last week if you haven't heard it. Go check out Bubble. It's a really fun time. So we're going to get to leveling up now. This is a lunar and a load. This is when we do this.

This will also be sort of when we do the Heathcliff stuff in future episodes, but we already kind of did that this arc. So I'm going to wait on that. But we're going to level up. Before we get to that, I have kind of, in fiction, given you all sort of a free bonus. And it's one that it's like a level up perk that belongs to the expert that I think is really cool, but none of you all are playing the expert, and I was worried that we wouldn't get to that. And also, like, I don't think we, I think we were a little slow on the leveling in the pilot arc.

So this is kind of a freebie. And that bonus is a haven, which is a mechanic in the game. It is a, exactly what it sounds like. It is a headquarters for you all to sort of use at your leisure. And how it works is you sort of design it by choosing the rooms that you want to have in it. So in fiction, this is the cellar. of the Amnesty Lodge. It's a secure location that each of you are going to get to pick one room or one sort of section of the seller that will be able to provide you some sort of bonus or some

sort of benefit or some sort of like infiction capability. For instance, you could pick the obliette, which is a, you know, a prison that you could keep a monster in or some sort of spirit or magic thing that you don't know anything about. You could pick a workshop. You could pick an armory. You could pick, there's a whole bunch of options, and each of you are going to get to pick one thing, which you will then kind of rebuild inside of the seller and then have access to. So I'm going to drop a list of these into Rule 20. But yeah, there is the lore library.

You can hit the books to investigate. Now, that means, like, there has to be a reasonable way for there to be a book about what you're investigating. but if you do do that and you're in your lore library, you get a plus one to your investigate the mystery role. There is the mystical library where you can consult occult tomes, which will grant you plus one forward. Next time you use magic, so just the first time you use magic after that, you'll get a plus one on the roll. You can get a protection spell on your haven, which makes it safe from monsters. Monsters cannot enter. You can get an armory where you have a stockpile of weapons.

that if you need a special weapon, you can roll plus weird. On a 10 plus, you have it. On a 7 to 9, you have it, but only the minimum. I don't really know what that means. Or on a miss, you have the wrong thing. We might use that for, you know, tools and not weapons, since we do have kind of another way of getting you all gear in the room of gate. There's an infirmary where you can help heal people, a workshop where you can repair things.

there is the Ubliette, like I mentioned. There is the panic room, which has supplies where you can hide out for a few days, safe from pretty much anything, and a magical laboratory where you can find tools needed for casting spells, including big magic, which is a thing that we haven't really gone over. But yeah, so those are your options. I want each of you to pick one room to sort of repair and build in the cellar of Amnesty Lodge. I think I'm going to go with magical library, because a laboratory. because it specifically mentions Big Magic, which is a thing that I would like to start exploring.

Real quick, Big Magic is something that is bigger than the, it's bigger than like the capabilities of what the magic using moves are in the game. So a thing like, for instance, resurrecting a dead party member is a thing you can do with Big Magic. But the terms and conditions of Big Magic are entirely up to me. I can make it cost whatever the fuck I want it to cost. I can make it as arduous as I want to make it. I can also just say, like, no, you can't resurrect anybody. You don't know how that is just not possible. But if you want to accomplish something that is sort of outside the rules of the game

and we sort of agree on the terms of it, then big magic is what you do. So I guess if you had the magical laboratory, you'd have a place to do it, and I would probably, you know, make it a little bit easier for you to at least get the shit that you need to do the magic. Well, let me ask you this. Magical Laboratory seems like it would make it easier for me to do it, but mystical, mystical library seems like it would be a better excuse for Aubrey to know how to do things that up till now she has not been able to do. Here's what I'll say, because I want this to be sort of our ethos in playing this game rather than how he played D&D. Don't mimax this.

What's going to be more interesting for you, for Aubrey to have on the hand? I think it's going to be the library because that's the thing is up till now she's been really hungry to learn anything about magic, learn how to do other magic. and her mentor person over in Sylvain told her to like try to take some time and study and pay attention. So when you use the mystical library, you've got like a collection of tomes from Janelle maybe, like a small collection that she allows you to take with you. And when you're, you know, working on your magic stuff, you have a place to do it now and also have sort of this kind of small, but it could be useful mechanical benefit as well. Now, I will say I don't want you coming back to your magic.

you're out in the middle of a battle and you're like, I need to hit him with a really good fireball. I'm just going to go back to the mystical laboratory real quick and get the buff. Like, I would not do that. It's like a crap thing. I got you. Yeah. Okay. Juist that. In character, I think Ned would go for a panic room, but I can't see that being very... I was just thinking about that. It's like narratively. Like, where would that be interesting for us to like hide out? Here's what I'll say. If you want to do a panic room, I'll find a way to give you a good panic room scenario like I if and I will also say this if you don't pick panic room I'll be our bottle episode like I can remember all the good times we've had together let's just think about a few of them

again I will also say if you don't pick panic room I'm also going to think of a scenario that is going to make you say god I wish we'd pick the fucking panic room well and that's the thing is panic rooms are not just good for you but if we have another thing like Calvin or something where it's like this person is in danger well yeah along those same lines though the infirmary I mean, how many times have we had somebody have to go to the hospital so far just in, you know, in the arc? Yeah, again, do the thing that to you think is going to be the most fictionally interesting. Okay. I'm going to stick with my initial gut instinct and I want a panic room.

Okay. But I want a really cool one with like dartboards, you know, and, you know, air mattresses and not cots. Yeah, I like the idea of it just because. like a big sort of cinder block room that is sort of carved out of the ground, like a very, very sturdy room with like a heavy metal door that you can lock from inside or outside, if you so choose. Cans and cans and cans of French onion soup. Yeah, this is like your bug out room where if shit gets very, very, very bad, you all have a

place to hide or you have a safe place to store somebody or, you know, a place to, you know, put somebody that you don't want going anywhere for a little while. I really like that pick. I think that's good. Juice. I am going to do the infirmary, but the only thing that I have is the, we have sort of like a wildlife rescue center, you know, for like, especially for animals that are injured or what have you. So the only gear and equipment and meds that I was able to swipe. or sorry, borrow, were one's designed for animals.

So we have an infirmary. All the tools and meds are designed for animals. So using the things there is going to be a bit more challenging. I like that very much. Okay, so we have a mystical library, a panic room, and an infirmary down here. I'll give you the rec room for free. You have a nice place to chill out and play crash panicked. Hell yeah.

Cool. So you all have a haven. Please remember that you have it whenever you need sort of an infiction place to do these things, whether it's treating wounds or, you know, learning about magic or you need a place to bug out. That is sort of why this place exists. And now that we've done that, we need to answer the questions that we do here on the Adventure Zone. You remember, we've done them exactly once before. Did we conclude the current mystery?

Yes. Yes. Talking about the French onion suit mystery, we concluded the fuck. out of it. Did we save someone from certain death or worse? Gosh, one and more than once. Yeah. A couple of times.

We did the old people in the pool. We did Calvin. Yes, okay, I'll do that. Yeah, I don't know that you necessarily saved Calvin. Well, I mean, yeah, sure. I think you saved Calvin. We saved Jake. He was going to buy it.

Yeah, Jake was going to beef it. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Okay, yes, you saved lots of people. Did we learn something about the, did we learn something new and important about the world? I mean, I think your visit to Sylvain alone, that episode you learned quite a bit. And we learned something new and important about one of the hunters.

I can do different types of magic. Also, duck fucking loves French onion soup. Yeah, we learned a lot about that. Okay, yeah. So if you get three or four questions as yes, you mark two experience points. Hell yeah. So with that, we should have, I know all of you at least leveled up once during this arc in this lunar interlude, maybe some of you twice. Let's get to it. Let's start with,

let's start with Ned. Ned. How are you doing on experience? Ned has leveled up exactly once. Cool. Yeah, because of his high success rate in roles. Cool. So you have, you see the improvements section. Right. You can increase sharp, tough, cooler charm by one unless you've, what was your last one? You got an ally, right? You gained And you gained a crony in Kirby, which you didn't really use this time. I would encourage you to remember that. Well, I tried. I tried to.

We weren't around it very much. Yeah, that's a good point. Can you come back to me? Yeah. Duck, let's start with you. What's, how many, what was your leveling up situation like? You did beef it a few times. Yeah, I did, I leveled up and then I have one extra, one extra experience.

I think that I am going to. there's a move here devastating when you inflict harm. You may inflict plus one harm. I was thinking about that, but that seems like similar to tough. Like, because I increased my ass-kicking abilities last time.

Sure. And I think that I am going to go with take one sharp. I feel like he's learning, like he's never been in situations like this before, but he is learning. about them and he has been through some stuff at this point that has like heightened his senses a little bit and that's maybe part of his like power set or whatever so uh cool uh so take plus what's that bring your sharp up to two i mean that's very good i mean it can only go up to three two is a very

very good good bonus yeah um okay uh let's uh trav dad who's ready i am ready um so there is a a Spesslinger move called Practitioner. Choose two effects available to you under Use Magic and take plus one to use magic whenever you choose one of those effects. I'm going to say that she has had enough practice

with inflict harm and do one thing that is beyond human limitations, that she is more capable at achieving those on a regular basis. So anytime she does inflict harm with magic or do one thing that is beyond human limitations with magic,

she gets plus one to that role. Just to make clear, the take harm use magic roll is different from your attack magic, which is the every time you roll to kick some ass and you use the spell that you sort of built out of the, what is it, blast fire force thing. Yes. That is not used magic. That is just your attack. This would be like if you, I don't know, wanted to help.

So that's the thing is now she's getting. more access to more stuff. Right. So like fire, force, and wind are effects that she can do with her attack. Right. But if I wanted to just hurt someone like a magical punch that wasn't hurt by something, that would be like inflict harm. So inflict harm is just like a magical laceration kind of thing, you know?

Yes, cool. I just want to make it clear that you don't get plus one every time you kick some ass. Okay, yeah, I like that a lot. I think that totally makes sense. So go ahead and mark that down. Dad, there's no other people on the podcast. So now you have to go. Okay.

Ned's going to go with a crew. It's a team of three or four people who will help you out with pretty much anything. Not like Kirby, who's, you know, an assistant and he can call on a regular basis. And what I would, I think, it should have something to do with, you know, the Saturday Night Dead. from the people who love the movie show that love the TV show like a fan club like a fan club yes you're an influencer to fans of Saturday Night Dead who the Deadites the Deadites who we will consider the Deadheads I can't believe that hasn't been taken before

yeah it's right there okay I like that I like the idea of you having like a fan club who you can talk to by way of the show, or like the fan club message boards or whatever. So you have to pick sort of a type, their motivation. And we kind of did this when you picked Kirby to be your subordinate. Your subordinate follows your exact instructions. They're also, that might have to be what this is too, because the other ones are lieutenant, execute the spirit of your instructions,

friend to provide emotional support, probably not. That would be weird scenes to play out. Bodyguard to intercept danger. That's also kind of straight. That's so choice. Ned's in danger. How about backup? To stand with you.

I mean, that means that you would say on your show like, hey, I'm fighting a mummy Friday night at the old tire lot. be there or be square like well but you know backup can come in other ways hey i need somebody who can crack this code or i need somebody who can pick a lock or knows how to post to twitter somebody who can do repair to uh to you know my my car i mean that that's also backup isn't it uh service the service industry okay not i don't want anybody's going to catch a bullet for me or anything but somebody who you know, can be a resource. Can I make a suggestion that is in the spirit of this that I think is going to be a much, much better fit for the thing you are actually describing?

There is a move that you can take from the Flake playbook called NetFriends. You know a lot of people on the internet. When you contact a net friend to help you with a mystery, roll plus charm. On a 10 plus, they're available and helpful. They can fix something, break a code, hack a computer, get you special information. On a 7 and 9, they are prepared to help, but it's either going to take. take some time or you're going to have to do part of it yourself. On a miss, you burn some bridges.

I think that, and if you disagree and you want to do the crew, that's fine also, but like this feels more like the, like, fan club idea that you're describing, right? And it uses charm, which is kind of Ned's thing. That's also, like, an area that we don't have much expertise in that could be cool. Yeah. No, I'm all in favor of it. I love it. Okay.

So that's net friends on the Flake playlist. You have net friends now. Can we call it something else? Nope. We can call it web buddies. Ned Friends, it is. Chat, chat room pals. Not to be fair, Dad, I think you heard Ned friends.

It was Net Friends. It's an internet. That's the name of the website. The Internet. The Internet. All the denizens of the Internet. We'll get all. On the internet.

All right. So that's going to do it for this episode of Adventure Zone. So you'll be able to catch the next one in two weeks. We're going to put this one out on the internet. You're going to be able to catch it on the 26th. So just dial it into your favorite internet browser. And I'll be right there waiting for you. Maximumfund.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Maximum Fun's new sci-fi comedy podcast bubble is coming to Sandy-A Comic-Con on July 21st. At 1 p.m. Bubble cast members Travis McElroy, Christella Alonzo, Eliza Skinner, Allison Becker, Mike Mitchell, Jordan Morris, and Danielle Radford will be signing autographs. Tickets are required, but free. Then at 5 p.m., the cast will participate in a panel moderated by Jesse Thorne held at the San Diego Central Library. For more information, visit

maximumfund.org slash SDCC. Hi, this is Jay Keith Fans Tratton, host of GoFact Yourself here on the Maximum Fun Network. On GoFact Yourself, we take the smartest people we know and make them look dumb. Paul, by the way, how much do you know about shaking husbandry? You got to give them that grain. All right, got to give them that grain. And then smart again. What future Hall of Fame pitcher for the Cleveland Indians became the first active player to enlist?

Bob Filler. Oh, okay. We've got me, co-host Helen Hong, plus celebrity guests and actual surprise experts. In the coming weeks, you can hear guests like Maria Bamford, Tom Bergeron, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and Grant Imahara. And if you're in the New York area, come check us out live. We're doing two shows there on July 21st and July 22nd. Go to go fact your pod.com for tickets and more. We'll see you in New York, or on the first and third Friday of every month here on the Maximum Fun Network.