The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 15

Episode Date: September 7, 2018

The Pine Guard meet the voice on the other end of the prophetic phone calls, and receive a new, even more dire warning of impending disaster. Duck makes some friends in the forest. Aubrey eyes some eyeglasses. Ned hits the brakes. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone, I think you are surprised when you cut clean through the pole. Whoops. And with that, the wind finally catches the Pizza Hut sign like a sail, and it falls over into the store. Rocketeer that motherfucking sign off my dome, man. Are you sure? You don't want me to, like, bring it to you? No, I'm not fucking sure, but this is the best shot I got. Come on. You are instantly unconscious from this huge amount of blunt force drama. you experience.

The number that called you, it was from the Eastwood Campground and RV Park. You hear the phone ring inside of Ned's room. My name is Indrid Cold. I'm known as something different to the folks of this area.

I don't prefer this title myself, but well, I'm the mothman. See you tomorrow. Take me away to adventure. Come on, take me to adventure. The zone that you know that I know that you took me to once before.

When I was just a young preacher's daughter. Oh, boy. Showed me the way to the zone. The adventure zone. Take me again. Only 20 dusty years have passed between then and now. But I still think fondly back to the trip that you took me to the zone. That adventure zone.

Take me again to that adventure zone. Bobby Gentry is back. Yeah, I don't actually have that much prepared for this episode. If you just do that for an hour, that would be actually good. And it would buy me a couple weeks to, like, actually write some shits. That's the new theme song to the Adventure Zone that I will repeat at any point. Thank you, Dad. is inspired by the work of Bobby Gentry.

She's been out of the picture for 30-some-odd years, so I'm stepping in to fill the gap. Inspired by Cocaine and Rhinestones? Yeah, indeed. Yeah. My new favorite podcast, I'm pushing it here. And they've done a lot of prep work probably on that show. They've done a lot of research for their episode,

and maybe they didn't spend the last, like, you know, 10 days on a whistle stop tour of our country's beautiful southeastern little panhandle zone. So this is a, this is just us, a mini, a mini-sode telling you go listen to cocaine rhinestones. They've done their work. You want to hear my song again? I mean, can you add like 18 more stanzas onto it? No, let's just play.

So we pick back up in the hospital room and Aubrey's still on the phone and she says, I'm sorry, did you say muffin man? I was actually planning on fast-forwarding a little bit. Oh, okay. Uh, all right, I'll do, uh, okay. Now you do a joke, Justin. Oh, wait, no, you did one. Dad, you do a joke.

Okay. Uh, what do you call a moth man without any wings? What? A man. All right, all right. It was the delivery. The delivery got me real good. I saved it with my delivery.

Yeah. Um, so I want to jump forward to the following afternoon after, after, uh, yesterday sort of hectic events. Um, and, And the three of you are at the Eastwood Campground and RV Park, the location that Jake Coolice pulled out of the phone book using his just sort of remarkable phone book scanning technology. Ned, you're feeling better after a night's sleep. Holy crap, really? Well, you woke up and you were, you didn't suffer like, you know, severe head trauma as the, the, the,

the doctors might have feared at first, and they were a bit, they had some reservations about, you know, releasing you from the hospital, discharging you, but you have recovered fairly well. Go ahead and recover one more harm. Oh, okay. Yeah. So not dead. Not dead. Oh, you were never dead.

You were unstable, but then you should have healed one while you're in the hospital, which would have made you stable again, and now you're at two harm. So, you know, you're pretty bruised up. You're, um, so you are all at the Eastwood Campground and RV Park where this telephone call, these two telephone calls, rather, seem to have originated from. Mama and Jake have headed back to, uh, the lodge for, uh, for the day, getting some work done there. And, uh, yeah, so there's, there's still some snow on the ground. It is the middle of December, after all.

Um, and this campground on RV park, as you might imagine, is fairly empty because it's the middle of the winter. There's not too many campers out. This RV park is kind of a tacky looking place. I think there's a lot of different camping opportunities in Kepler in the sort of eastern Monongahela forest area. And this is not one of the sort of more natural ones. And in fact, it is mostly empty. There's just one vehicle parked out here.

It's got its stuff all connected to the. the different utilities coming out of this box. It's got some water running into it. It is, in fact, a big old boxy, long, just beast of corrugated metal, just this hideous, brown thing with a racing stripe, zigzagging across the car, making a tall, proud W. Just before the driver's compartment, it is a beautiful Winnebago. And there's some light flickering sort of gently against the tinted windows is sort of, sort of, suggesting that there is somebody inside. What do you do?

Duck, that you should knock? Well, now, why have I been nominated for this illustrious honor? You're an authority figure. I mean, I watch over trees. I'm basically a wood elf with a flashlight. Yeah, but I don't have a flashlight. Ned doesn't have a flashlight. You have a flashlight and a hat

And a badge? Do you have a badge? I'll tap on the window Okay Uh, excuse me Hello? Um I see.

What do I see inside? It's pretty well-tinted. You actually cannot see inside through the window windows. But as you tap, uh, the front door to the Winnebago, uh,

facing you just opens up. And the, the man who opens the door is he is just, he is fascinating to look at. He is, he's kind of gaunt. He's kind of withering away, but he looks confident and strong as he answers the door to face you. He looks old, like, he looks young, but also kind of wrinkled. He's got short silver hair with just sort of hints of black peeking through. He's wearing a tank top and some jeans, and you feel this just burst of hot air as the door swings open. And that's likely from the fleet of space heaters. You can now see inside the Winnebago that is, keeping his habitat a suitable temperature.

And he's wearing this pendant of this orange crystal material. But his most eye-catching feature are his glasses. They are large and round and just this impenetrable, reflective red. You all catch your reflection in them as he answers the door. And he says, Okay, go ahead. Where are your wings? Obviously, you can't see them right now because I'm,

wearing my disguise. Would you like to see my wings? Yes. I don't know you very well, so no, not quite yet. Then why did you ask? It seems like kind of crappy you'd just offer like that and you'd act away. I certainly would. Pardon my rude friends. Hello, I'm Ned Friendly Chican. Um, yes, I know who all of you are. I, I, conversation is difficult for me because I'm always going to be just a little bit ahead. Um, but if, if you, what am I going to say now? Yeah.

Yeah, nice, nice. So, yeah, come on in. We have important things to discuss, and not much time to discuss them, if my estimations are correct. Real quick, over here, a little parlay over here, if you don't mind. That seems like a weird time, but sure, what's up? We need to get his glasses. Need to get his classes, what? Yeah, the bounty, a seer spectacles.

Yeah, the marmaduke. Ah, damn, all right. Well, that's something we're going to keep in our pocket when it makes the most sense. But you are right. Thank you for the reminder. We will steal this man's glass. Man, let me try to say that again in a cool way. We will steal this man's glasses.

You know, it's funny. It feels mean, no matter how many different ways I say it, it does feel like a mean, non-heroic action for being honest. Well, thank God. One of us has experience in stealing. things that doesn't belong to him. Yeah, but glasses, man. I mean, it just seems kind of fucked up. Maybe he's got a spare pair.

Like, he's got, like, I'm not going to steal his glasses. If y'all want to for another, I don't know, experience point, Zeni, I don't exactly know what we're stealing stuff for, but if y'all want to, you go nuts. He motions you all inside, and you enter his Winnebago. It is... Holy moly. It's hot as hell. It's hot as hell.

I think you all feel the sort of impulse to remove your winter outerware and sort of protect yourself against the just like searing heat coming off of these four space heaters that are kind of precariously plugged into one big chunky power strip. It is, it is not the cleanest in here. It is not, it is not the cleanest space you've ever been in. And it almost kind of reminds you of Mama's office, pre sort of Barclay cleaning it up. There is a big old map of Kepler up on the wall with so many pins in it that you actually kind of have a hard time deciphering that, oh, this is in fact a map of Kepler. There is just like dirty dishes all over the place. You see an old like McDonald's commemorative set of Batman drinking glasses that have like

eggnog in them, ancient nog. So he takes you over to, he actually folds down. There's like a table that he just kind of brushes some junk off of and he folds it up into the wall and a sort of couch pops into place. And he offers you all a seat. And he says, can I get you all anything to drink or eat or? Oh, God, no. No, no, thanks. I haven't entertained guests in quite some time.

So I apologize that I don't have more to offer. Mr. Moth, man. Please, can you call me Indrid? It's, I don't prefer Mothman. All right, Indrid. Are you like super in a nog or what's the story? Who isn't? He says, and he takes a belt of some fresh nog from the fridge.

He, after he finished just taking a drink and you all have sort of gotten, gotten as comfortable as you're going to get in this room, he walks over to this one wall that is opposite you. It is just next to this big mouth. And there are like eight pencil sketches of just like various things. It looks like he just kind of walked around Kepler and just sketched some things, just some local buildings. And there's one of the finicular tram that connects the top side and riverside. And there's one of the kryptonamica. There's just lots of just sort of sketches.

And as he said, sort of getting you all comfortable in this room, he sort of perks up. and he walks over and he takes down one of the drawings and crumples it up and throws it away. And he says, I know you all have lots of questions and I actually know what most of those questions are going to be. But in the interest of making this feel like a normal conversation, what is it that you all want to know before I tell you what I need? Can I have your glasses? No, I really. Like, do you have, like, you have an old pair? Why do you need, you need a, you need a?

my glasses for what reason? A big cat. I thought you would know what reason. Oh. I'm not a mind reader. That's not really how this works. I have no conceivable idea why you need my glasses other than the fact that they're very stylish. All right. Keep your glasses. Listen, I, I, what is going on with the, okay, let me back up even further. It seems like snow or wind has been acting all goofy.

I don't know how to put it in like the technical fantasy terms, but it's been acting all shitty and weird. Do you know what the story is? What's causing it? He says, hmm, and he turns and he crumples up another one of those drawings and throws it away. And he says, there are a lot more powers that are misbehaving at the moment than just the snow or just the wind. I, okay. So I can see the future. Cool.

In a manner of speaking. And I'm gotten pretty good at it. There is something out there that is changing the future. Or rather, maybe changing the present to alter the future. This might be kind of complicated. So I was the court seer when I was still in Sylvain. This was well over a century ago, so it's been some time. And the power that I developed there, thanks to the powers that I inherited from Sylvain, were the power of clairvoyancy.

It's not like seeing what's going to happen a few minutes from now. I see several hundred futures that could potentially come to pass. Imagine that you're sitting in front of a big wall of televisions, hundreds of them, and there are different television shows on those screens all starting at different times. That's what I see, potential futures. Sometimes I see patterns. I see several nearly identical futures, maybe suggesting a higher likelihood that they'll come to pass. Sometimes I see futures disappear when events render them impossible.

But something is making the patterns change more quickly than even I can track. Something unnatural, he says, and he crumples up another drawing and throws it away. I don't know whatever it is, but I'm assuming it has something to do with the abominations, and I figured that I could help you all out. I haven't really been in the interference game ever since, you know, the Silverbridge, but I figured maybe this would be a pretty good chance to do so. Silver Bridge? Yeah, it was back quite a while.

I'll tell the story as we know it because I have to imagine that your take on it is probably a little bit different from ours, but back around the Point Pleasant, A lot of people were citing Mr. Cold and the mothman quite a bit. There was a disaster. Silver Ridge there in Point Pleasant collapsed. And took a bunch of people with it. 46 people. Yeah.

Oh. Yes, it was certainly my most newsworthy failure, he says, and he crumples up another drawing. He says, I came to this world, like I said, a little around a, a century ago, and I came here trying to find answers for the difficulties that my world is experiencing. Instead, I found myself falling in love with your world and wanting to protect its people from harm, but it seems like people weren't especially interested in listening to me, which I can't blame them for. I did try to remain sort of mysterious and clandestine about my

warnings. That was my undoing. But after the Silver Bridge, I walked away from the sooths saying business. It was too much, too much failure, too much, believe it or not, unpredictability. But whatever is happening now, this is not, these are not natural occurrences. This is something else entirely, and it's something that needs to be stopped. And he crumples up another drawing. Wait, hold on. Is this like a jinx thing? Like, this is like, because, like, we saw, you know, the sign falling. Like, that could be, oh, just an accident. And, like, the car accident, the Gatorade bottle under the pedal, like, oh, it's just an accident. But if something is changing fate, is it like a jinx curse kind of deal?

If that were the case, that would mean that this abomination you're facing off against is stronger than any of the Pined Guard has ever faced in its illustrious career. That would be very unfortunate indeed. And he crumbles a few drawings off the wall now, and he closes his eyes, and he closes his eyes, and he pulls the last remaining drawing off the wall. It is the drawing of the finicular train. And he looks at it and he looks up at you. And he says, okay.

The finicular train that connects topside and riverside is about to come crashing down the mountain, slamming into town and destroying the base station. There are three passengers on it right now. They'll all be killed. And an engineer at the base station will be injured as well, but he'll pull through. Good news, though, you have six minutes this time.

And he hands you all the drawing. Go. He says, yes, go. I'll be back for those glasses. Will the road get us completely there? We're not going to switch to your bobcat or whatever now. Tracks ST1, Travis. 400 horsepower of snow cruising speed, man.

Sorry, Dad just, I have to take a moment. That, I think, is the first person in history to ever say the plural horsepowers. Because 400 horsepower is like, I don't even know how far I could get. Running very fast, super beauty, flight. That's only three horsepower. I can't even think of 400 altogether. Pooping? Pooping?

Pooping. Eating lots of oats in one sitting is very impressive. I thought it was supposed to be horses power. Good at oats. Like attorneys general. Something like that. You all pull into the top side station for the finicular tram that connects Kepler's two halves. It took you, let's say, like three and a half minutes to get over here.

You were pretty close. And as you all approach the station, you all probably know it fairly well. Like this is mainly the, this is like the main form of public transport in all of Kepler. And it sort of keeps you from having to like drive up this sort of winding mountain road that can get kind of treacherous, especially in the winter. And especially during sort of peak tourist season, it can get pretty busy. But as you approach, you all see the station. So both the train and this station are fairly old. It's been an operation for well over 30 years at this point. The station has like the same alpine cabin aesthetic as other buildings on top side with just sort of a large

open wall at the end of the station where the tram comes in and a boarding platform where riders can access the arriving tram. This finicular just has a single rail and a single car. It takes about six minutes for a full trip between the two stations. There is a small parking lot just outside of the station where commuters can sort of leave their cars as they transfer between the two halves of Kepler. Duck, among the cars parked here, you see a Monongahila Forest Service truck. Who's this? Do I recognize?

Yeah, there is a name on the door. It is Ranger Juno Devines, a forest service truck. So what do we do? I'm just a tough... I'm just a tough guy. I'm going to do kind of a scan first, because now that we know that

possibly something or someone is acting on this, I'm going to scan and look for anybody or any strange shapes or shadows or anything like that. Just anything. Sure, you are outside of the station or do you want to go inside of the station? And I'm not saying there is a wrong or right choice. There is stuff. I'm going to start.

I mean, we pulled up first things first, just like scan and look at. You just hop out of Ned's car and do a pass for read a bad situation, I'm assuming? Yes. Yes. Okay. Go ahead and roll it. Oh, who. Nope. Hey guys.

Oh, my God. The worst possible read. Like Aubrey looked around and was like, I think this is a dream. No, it's all a dream. Trust thing. I've read this situation. It was a two, folks. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Go ahead and Mark Experience. I get to take a hard move. I'm not going to take a super hard move since that was sort of a, you know, a preliminary look around. Were you using your third eye? Yes. Yeah.

I'll be honest. Yeah, I mean, that's... Well, I mean, I was going to, yes. Yeah, I figured when you said scan, you just get a pretty bad headache. You just get kind of a... You don't really notice anything, and you sort of kick on your third eye, and it sort of immediately kicks off, and when it does, like, you just feel like this really quick sort of stabbing pain.

like in your temples, but then it quickly passes. Okay. Yeah, I'm not even going to make you mark harm, because it just comes and it goes. Anybody else want to do something? I would probably, I mean, are we in shouting distance? I mean, it would be probably not, because the station is like an indoor building.

Time to go into the station then. I think Duck is going to, and you all going to do what you like, but Duck's probably going to rush into the station to see who's still in there what the deal is. Okay. Yeah, I think Aubrey is going to as well. Ned, you're going to do anything while you're still outside? No, I'll follow them cautiously.

Okay. All right, you all race into the station. And as you enter, there is a desk just in front of the entryway next to a turnstile that grants access to the tram beyond. there is an engineer here behind the desk, a broad-shouldered dude wearing a Mount Kepler ski trails fleece. He's got a radio clip to his belt. He also has a space heater back behind his desk, keeping him warm because there is a serious draft coming in through the open wall of this station. A tram has just arrived and is taking on passengers.

There is what looks to be a fairly like, bougie man and woman, noodling on two open seats inside the tram, just some unsightly PDA happening there. And there is a third person who is just about to walk through the automated sliding doors to board the finicular, and it is Ranger Juno Devine. Juno, stop. She does. She stops as she, and she's kind of just sort of hanging out of the tram door now. She says, oh, hey, Duck, what are you doing here? Are you about to hit the trails?

I would say that why this is happening, Aubrey just keeps going for the tram, for the door, and maybe like shoves past Juno into the tram itself. Like jumps the turnstile, let's be honest. Jumps the trail. Okay, you're jumping the turnstile? Yes.

Okay, that engineer at the desk says, Hey, you need to stop. Hey, you need to get back. I've got, that's all right here. Let me take care of it. I'm local businessman, Ned Devine. How much is it? $5.10?

What did you say your name was? Local businessman Ned Devine? Ned Devine? That's not your name. Yeah. I know. I didn't know that you and Juno were related. That's cool.

Waking Ned Devine is a movie that came out like 10 years ago. I am. How much is it? God damn it. How much you need? Here's 10 bucks. Is that all right? Well, I mean, a trail pass is 40 bucks a person for the day.

40 bucks a per-home. I mean, it's peak season, man. What do you need? Would you guys like to work out a co-promotion with a lovely place called the Cryptonomica? You know, they take a ride with you, and then for an extra five bucks, they get admission to the cryptonomica. I can see it tying in very nicely. Let's talk about it.

You and me. Let's talk. I mean, if you're trying to convince him to, like, let you all through, that would be a manipulate someone role. Manipulate someone. I'm going to manipulate him. Okay. Eight plus one charm. Okay, so you got a nine on a seven to nine, they'll do it, but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it.

If you ask too much, they'll tell you. What, if anything, it would take for them to do it? Ned gives him five free passes to the Cryptonomica and says, come and see the place, or have your bosses come and see the place, see what a great tie-in it would be, and we would like to do the same by taking a ride on your tram to kind of see if it's worth promoting with you guys as well. See, it's kind of a, I scratch your back, you scratch mine.

Mr. Devine, I'll make you a deal. These five passes are good. It's chicane. It's chicane. Okay, Mr. Chican, I'll tell you something. I'll tell you, these five passes are nice. It sounds like your museum's a lot of fun, but I want one other thing,

and that's $40 per person per day for the ski trail passes. It's just $120, and y'all can go about, you know, hit the slopes and do whatever you want. Well, you can knock some of that off for the passes to the Cryptonomica, right? Okay, yeah, $118. All right, here. Let me write you a check.

I have my checkbook right here You are writing him Probably what is going to be a fake check That is going to super bounce And while that is happening We can do duck talking to Juno She steps back out of the car And she says

And Aubrey you said you ran into the car Correct Okay we'll resolve We will resolve that as we get to it Juno says well what do you need there duck What's going on? Juno is so embarrassing Last week

My truck got beat up And I had to take it over to whistles And while he was fixing it up I had to borrow yours to run out To do a check on A body of water In the tree zone Forest

It was a body of water in the tree zone It was a body of water in the tree zone. And I had a check on it in your car. And when I, I drove your car without asking, and I think I left my pants. No, wallet, money. I left my wallet in your truck and I was wondering if you could go look for it real quick. All right. So that was all lies. Yeah, we've worked together for quite some time there, Buster. I know when you're pulling a fib. Literally everyone does. look at my eyes. Do you know when I'm pulling a fib? Yes. It's when you start stumbling over your words a whole lot and you say fuck a bunch.

Juno, don't get in that car. Let's jump inside the car. Aubrey, what are you doing? This couple is in here. I'm imagining sort of Julia Louis Dreyfus and the other dude from Christmas vacation. Just ski bunnies just kind of fawning over each other. And they, they, look up at you and I think the the woman whispers something to the man as you come in that you can't quite make out. Hey folks, you seem like the type that love.

Is this a robbery? No, it's a magic show. Y'all want to see some magic and she, I work with the railway here to just provide a little in-root entertainment and so she's going to do like a trick, a magic trick. Is this what the common folks enjoy as magic tricks on their public transportation? Indeed, they do allow me to demonstrate.

And she's going to do something more, you know, like flashpaper, a light in her hands, but with the intention of doing it and making it seem as though she has messed up the trick and trying to catch one of their sleeves on fire. Oh, boy. Quick update from me to you, the Abingerson listener. these characters, whatever their names are, are now the only ones I like on the whole show. And for the rest of Taz is about these two characters for me. Thank you very much.

Okay, so is this a use magic role if you're actually trying to set them on fire, kind of? But I'm using trick magic. I want to make it super clear here. Aubrey is not trying to use real magic. Are you saying that because you roll a four? No, I'm saying it for reasons that will become clear later. Okay. Somebody pointed out something I didn't do last time that we could have totally done that I'm going to do now.

And I'm going to use luck to make that at 12. I was going to say... I was going to say... ...one one of my luck slots. With a four, I wanted you to do sort of a job, bluth, like, spray lighter fluid on them. Like, oh, but where did the lighter fluid come from? No, I'm using a luck slot here to save two lives. Okay.

And when they're... I'm going to grab them, like, oh, you got to get out. Oh, we need help. And shove them out the door. Like, oh, we got to get this taken care of right now. Sorry, so sorry. And shove him out the door of the tram. Muffy, Muffy, I'm burning Muffy.

Now, wait, which one's Muffy, Griffin? Doesn't matter, does it? Correct. Muffy and what is the man's name? Can I vote for Winthrop? It's Muffy and Winthrop. Yes. Justin knew it.

Can he go by Winnie? Can it be Muffy and Winnie? No, it's Winthrop and Muffy, and Winthrop's sleeve is on fire. He stands up, yes, understandably kind of panicked, and he doesn't know what to do because he's never been on fire before. Oh, quick. We need some help. Oh, look, there's two Rangers. They can help you and shove them out to the door. Okay. Yeah, that works. And go ahead and mark off that luck point. This is a very, very valuable resource that you do not get back. So I'm expecting you to really keep track of that stuff. Okay. I am, however, Aubrey is going to stay in the car to investigate.

Yeah, I don't know that there's necessarily anything to investigate right now. This is still, like, this is still a dangerous situation, so I think this would still be a read-a-bad situation. There's not, like, clues or somebody to talk to, you know what I'm saying? Okay, so maybe, like, steps outside the car and, like, looks up and down the track to read a bad situation. Can I see the track? Yes. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely. You can see the track.

Yeah. Okay, there we go. The, the mechanics of the finicular tram are that it's just one rail with one car on it, and there's a cable that is, tethered to the front of the car that pulls it up the mountain. It runs through a pulley. And then it connects to this counterweight that kind of slides beneath the tram. So as the tram sort of ascends, the counterweight drops down to the lower station. And as the tram descends, the counterweight rises up to sort of conserve energy using physics.

And there's, yeah, that's sort of how this all works. So you want to read about situation out there? Yeah. Yeah, so the question that I want answered is, what's the biggest threat? And I'm going to say that I'm looking for, I don't know, frayed wire or some kind of damage to the counterweight or something along those lines. Okay. And I will also say that along with that, she is going to attempt to use her third eye as well. Okay.

Does the third eye count as a separate question or it just, okay. It says when you read, you can open up your third eye for a moment to take an. To take an extra information, take plus one hold on any result. Sure. Okay, I got you. All right, here's what happens. You look up and down the track. You take a look at sort of all of the mechanisms of the tram, and you don't necessarily see anything threatening at all.

And then flakes slowly start to appear outside. And with that, your third eye. it just kind of goes wild. It looks like all of these flakes are kind of glowing as if it's all magic. All of this stuff that is falling from the sky is definitely magical in nature. You also get, you sense a presence out, back out the front door of the station that you are in. You can't, you know, see this presence. You just kind of sense this magic power presence outside.

and then you can see through the open wall of the station that the storm outside quickly subsides and now you can see the threat. There is a brake pad on the pulley that the cable attached to the car runs through. And this brake pad has a bolt on it that is just kind of corroded through. And you can hear this brake pad like vibrating. You can hear it squeaking. There is, the pulley is kind of moving back and forth ever so slightly as it's vibrating. And with each kind of like tug that this pulley tries to make as it tries to like release some tension off the cable, that bolt is sliding further and further out of its housing.

Duck, cars clear. That bolt, the brakes are about to go. Out, out. There's something. Parking lot now. See? Do you see? That's what I'm talking about.

You know, it's dangerous. And you got to take my word for it. And you've got to help me get these people out. I'll explain later, I promise. Aubrey's on the move. Yeah, for sure. grabs Muffy, grabs Winthrop. Come on, everybody.

I'll give you a ride back into town. Come on. I think as you all are heading to the door, the engineer at his desk steps over the sort of boarding area and looks down and sees that the brakes are about to go. And he says, oh, shit, I got to warn Mark. And he pulls up his radio. and he says, Mark, come in. You got, evacuate the base station, okay? This thing's about to come down.

Mark? And he slaps his radio, and there is nothing on the other end. And he looks up at the rest of you, and the brake pad just explodes. Shit. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McRoy, your best friend, your dungeon master, and your new boss. Same as the own bones. I love that rock and roll music.

Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone Amnesty Episode 15. I hope you are enjoying this, this hectic, stressful one. They've all been kind of hectic and stressful this arc. I want to tell you about our sponsors this week, so we can get you right back to the rest of the episode. Got some jumbotrons here. This one is for my brie, and it's from Jules, who says, hey, babe, happy late birthday anniversary or early Christmas.

I'm not sure when this will be going up, but I just wanted to let you know how much I love you via our favorite adventuring brothers. As I'm writing this, you're still up in Thunder Bay planting trees, and I miss you so much every day, but you're probably home now. Call me. Let's go out. And they wanted this in September, so they might still be up there just planting trees. And I hope it's, you know, this is charity work and the trees are wanted, and it's not some sort of horrible tree prank like a Johnny Appleseed. And here I am with my house. I'm like, where do these fucking apple trees come from? I didn't ask for this. Here's a message for

Isabel, and it's from Mike who says, Isabel, you're the best. Thanks for introducing me to the brothers and clump and for generally being dope. Sorry, I forgot about, I forgot about clump. And I promised I wouldn't. We've been on tons of real-life adventures and listened to some hilarious fake adventures too. Occasionally, we've done both simultaneously. Can't wait for more of both. You are stinky, like seriously. Love always, Mike, D, the RJ, and Dr. Coyote. I did the stinky thing was in there I promise I do not know you isabel and even if I did and you did have a stink about you I would not put you on blast like this thanks to everybody who tweets about the show using the zone cast hashtag if you do that you might end up as a character on the show

and it just we really appreciate you spread the word just because that's how we've managed to find the audience that we have and we are constantly blown away by how fucking big and cool that audiences, especially when we were in doing a live show in Atlanta this past weekend. Y'all, it was nuts. We asked everybody to stand up if you're wearing cosplay and like every, pretty was pretty much everybody. It was, it was Buck Wild. And it's very humbling.

Thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to maximum fun.org and check out all the great shows there. Shows like Story Break and Judge John Hodgman and stop podcasting yourself and so many more. Let's see. What else? There's a new line of merch on Macroymerch.com, and it's a brand that we're trying to get off the ground of just generic podcasting merchandise. And for instance, there's a tie-dye t-shirt that says 100% podcasts on it.

And there's a coffee mug that says, don't talk to me as I've had my podcast. It's really very, very dumb. And all of our royalties for all of this collection are going to an organization called Proact, West Virginia, that is designed to be an all-in-one referral point. for addiction treatment and care in our hometown of Huntington, West Virginia. It is a cause near and dear to our hearts, and so we're happy to support them. And I don't know, if you like a lot of podcasts and don't mind explaining the things you own to other people, this might be for you at macroymerch.com.

I think that's it. Next episode is going to be up in two weeks on September 20th. So I will talk to you then. Bye. Okay. Two bad things are happening basically at the same time. You all were heading out the door when the brakes went off and the car has very slowly now, just for a few moments, started to descend down the rail. The pulley is making this horrible, horrible squeaking noise.

And you all also have that presence outside that you were heading out to investigate. So who wants to go first? Ducks going after the presence. I feel like he's pretty focused on that. that. Okay. You head outside back into the parking lot outside the station and there doesn't appear to be anything that your non-magic eyes can just see with a quick glance. I think he's got good from his job. I think you would have good situational awareness. I think it's like what is disturbed, right? Sure. I'm assuming there's forest around here, that kind of thing. Yeah, absolutely. Right up against

the trail, there's like, it just backs up into the... He's not like, he's not like a game track or anything, but I definitely think he would recognize, you know, a path or footprints or something if he saw it. That is a very good justification. I think that you, I actually don't think you need to roll anything. I think you see these same hoof prints that you saw out near Leo's store. And you, you know what hoofprints in the snow looks like because you fucking see them all the time at work.

Right. They are, they are indeed leading back into the woods that are. sort of just off to the side of the Mount Kepler ski trails that the station is right next to. Are you going to follow them? I'm following them. Okay, Aubrey, what are you doing? So that question will be answered by this question. What are the NPCs doing?

Muffy is still running around with, or rather Winthrop is running around with his arm still a bit on fire. I think he runs out into the parking lot and jumps into the snow and Muffy is tending to him. Juno is just kind of in shock because now she is just now kind of realizing that she just almost died and that Duck who knew that the car was about to fall saved her life, which is weird. And the engineer is just frantically trying to get his radio to work, but it is not. They are all outside of the station and out of harm's way. Could Ned drive down the hill? Ned absolutely could.

It would be a buck wild thing to do, but he could for sure. Ned, do you have a wench? This car is already like, is going. Okay. I'm just saying that Ned would jump in the car to try to drive down the hill to warn whoever is at the other station. Yes, for sure. There is no road. It is just sort of a snowy.

There are some trees that the rail cuts through, but there is no road. You can do it in the Lincoln, but I'm going to have you roll for it. He's an excellent driver. Okay. He's driving off a cliff. We'll see. He's going to put that to the fucking test. Yeah. Okay. You are heading to your car. And Aubrey, what are you doing? Aubrey steps up and things like, okay, so I'm going to push the car over, right? So it's on its side instead of on its wheels, won't roll down or like try to push it off the track or something. With magic, right? Not just. With, yeah, like a force, like a, yeah, like with a big wind, you know, like she's used before to push duck. And she steps up to get. do it and finds herself, like, as she starts to think about it, and, like, channel just

basically her own voice in her head is, like, don't fuck up. And, like, it, she can't focus. She can't do it. Okay. Yeah, I think you only have a split second to do this, because, like, the train is now just out of the station and has started to roll down the hill, and it is, it is picking up speed, and it is well beyond the point now where you could, you know, reach it to blast it. So she runs back into where the dude, the engineer is. Right. Okay. Do you have his phone number?

Can you call, Mark? I mean, there's not a phone down there. We just use these fucking radios. Any kind of signal. A flare. A flag. Anything. I don't have a flare.

I don't have a flare gun. This doesn't happen. I can try yelling. And he just like runs down to the open door. I think he just takes off. He's now like running down the rail, like trying to chase. the train and he's just screaming, Mark! Mark! Hey, Mark! Let's get to Duck. Duck, you are running into the woods and there is like ankle-high

snow in the ground, so you're having like a little bit of trouble as you are chasing after this thing. And you can't, you haven't like seen it yet. You've just been following the tracks in the ground. And you move through some brush and you start to see this hooded figure like 30 feet in front of you. And he doesn't appear to be having any trouble moving through the snow at all. And you're having a little bit of trouble just sort of keeping up pace with him. And then he disappears through like another layer of brush. And as you you punch through that, you see this figure waiting for you.

It's got its hood up. It is still towering over you. And he's holding in his hand just an axe, like a wood chopping axe. And you actually recognize that there is a, like a sticker, like a label on the handle. And this axe belongs to the Monongahela National Forest Service. And he is waiting for you, axe in hand, as you come through the brush and end up about 10 feet away from him in a clearing. What do you do? Hey, what the fuck?

It starts taking a step towards you. Is there any handy sticks? Do you not have your sword on you? Yeah, I do have my sword on me. It just felt like cheating. I pull out Beacon. Doc Newton, you seem outmatched. Once again, you turn to be Beacon to help even the odds.

Hey, just pipe down for a second. Hey, I don't want to hurt you. Maybe I do because I don't actually know what or who you are. So there's a decent chance I want to hurt you. And I know this dude does. But like, what the fuck? It starts to slow down for a second as if it is kind of like second guessing whether or not you're worth it. And I think it actually even turns back away from you for a second.

And then it rethinks it and it turns back to face you and starts walking towards you. Now kind of a little bit faster as it starts. starts to rear up the axe. Ah, shit. All right, then, fine. This is out of my nature, though. I do want that to be clear, because we don't know each other so well.

But I guess I'm going to kick its ass. Okay. I'm probably going to swing, though, like, at the arm with the axe. Like, yeah. Oh, I see. Okay. I'm not trying to, like, kill.

Like, I'm not, you know, I'm trying to, like, diffuse. the situation as best I can, but I also know I'm dealing with, like, some otherworldly shit. Yeah, so why don't you roll to kick some ass? And we'll see how well you do at this. That is an eight plus two, ten. Awesome. So you all will inflict harm on each other on a ten plus. You can gain the advantage, take plus one forward, or give plus one forward to another hunter. you inflict terrible harm, you suffer less harm, or you force them where you want them. I'm going to force them where I want them?

Okay. Which would be on the ground. Okay, what does this look like? Okay, so the robed figure. The robed figure, I think, probably comes in for a swing. Is that fair? You didn't say that, but I feel like that's what we're moving towards, right? Yeah, for this moment.

So in that moment, I think Duck sort of swings up and he, hits the axe hard with with beacon and whatever this thing is I think it makes sense to me at least that it's not ready for that like that whether it is physically stunned or just like whoa what the fuck is that what what the fuck is going on here this is unexpected um it's sort of like knocked off kilter and then i just sort of uh duchess sort of buries his shoulder into the thing's chest whatever the thing is and knocks it to the ground. Okay.

So you didn't actually attack with the sword? No, I did. I used the sword to hit the axe, and it's like... Oh, okay, okay, okay. No, yeah, I wasn't, like, scaring it. No, I literally, like, hit the axe, and I think sort of knocked it off balance, and then fully knocked it off balance.

Okay. So I guess the two harm is just from you shouldering it very hard. It fell on a rock. It fell on a rock, and it hurt its butt. And I think as the axe swung away, from you as you as you did disarm it as you knocked this thing to the ground. It's a free hand, the one that was not holding the axe, kind of swung around very, very quickly as you knocked it down and just kind of pounded you in the chest for too harm, but you don't take any of that. And you knock it to the ground.

Great. Let's jump to Ned. Aubrey, grab the radio and come on. and Ned jumps behind the steering wheel of the Lincoln and fires it up. He happens to remember that Mark is one of the best customers the Cryptonomica has. Okay. And he wants to warn the guy that something bad's coming. So he's going to try to drive down the hill using his amazing driving skills.

Sure. And his brand new chains. I wanted to point that out, brand new chains. Set it all along, brand new chains on the Lincoln. Okay, you did. That's right. God, you remember everything this game. It had to happen once.

Yeah, sure. You yelled for Aubrey. Aubrey, are you going with? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. I run and do kind of a cool Starsky and Hutch thing. Cool. Buckle in, please.

Go! I slam the eight track. I slam the soundtrack to live and let die into the eight track and go plunging out of the parking lot and go driving down the hill, fish tailing back and forth and trying to dodge trees and and all kinds of, you know, like plunging through snow drifts, trying to keep pace and trying to pass the train. Okay. Go ahead and act under pressure for me.

Eight plus one for cool. That's a nine. Could Aubrey help? Point out trees? Like, yeah, look out and, like, jerking a wheel or something, you know? Yeah, sure. Go ahead and roll to help out. I have rolled.

Oh, my God, Trev? Five. I don't help. No, and in fact, yeah, you don't do anything you are exposed to the trouble or danger of the role. And, yeah, okay, so no help there. You have a mixed success here. So I'm going to get to the price of this mixed success, but for right now, you go off the paved parking lot and just over the cliff. And I think everybody sees you like, oh, shit, what?

What? How? Oh, God. Why? Huh? As your Lincoln goes over the hill. And sure enough, you are driving down this very, very steep sort of hillside alongside the rail and dodging trees. and rocks and debris as you go, as Aubrey sort of points it out, and you manage to get alongside

the train car. Here's the choice I'm going to give you. You can get past this train and you can get down to that base station before the train does, but you are going to come in very, very, very hot. You are going to come in, you know, faster than a speeding train and you have no real guarantees that you are going to be able to stop safely. Or would I have time to pull in front of it? Yes. I mean, you could do either thing. But again, the choice I'm giving you here is like you're going to, the Lincoln is going to get, it's not going to survive. No, the Lincoln will survive. We'll roll to determine that, but it will take a hit. You're going to put your car in danger, basically, to fix this situation. Because I think getting down the hill before the train safely is now impossible. So you can either drive down and crash into the station, which will probably get the people out of it, or you can try to intercept the train car. So which option are you going with here, Mac? I'm going to go with the collide and try to slow it down or stop it. I was thinking that if he can accelerate enough and jump the Lincoln in front of the train

and then hit the brakes and the emergency brake and everything else, that it might at least slow the train down so it won't crash into the station as badly. Okay. Yeah, I think that's going to definitely be another act under pressure role. And this one is going to be, I will say, a lot. more high stakes than the last one is because that's kind of the position that you now find yourself in. Okay. So he hits the gas. He floors it. It goes shooting up. And then he hits the steering wheel to the left and it jumps over the tracks. Those chains just dig right in. And he hits the

brakes, hits the emergency break. I rolled the 10 plus one for cool. Yeah. You do what you set out to. Sick. You get the Lincoln in front of this tram. Again, it's just like a single, small single car tram. And it was going very, very fast. You managed to just barely get ahead of it. And as you slam on your brake, you can see it start to slow down. And you feel actually some metal in the back of your car, crumpling, but it's not going to give way entirely because it's a Lincoln. It's a very sturdy, sturdy beast. and a sturdy American automobile. And you still have some time before you reach the station. However, there is one problem, and that is the counterweight that is now coming up towards you from the bottom of the track, from the base station. That is fairly sizable and is moving at you fairly quickly. The tram is designed to sort of harmlessly go over it, but your car does not have the height. that the tram has, and so that is going to be a situation,

unless you can figure out some way out of it. How fast are we moving? I would say you got it down to about 40 miles an hour. Hey, Ned? Hmm? We should jump. Oh. I just got it waxed.

I just... All right. All right. Let's jump. Okay. I mean, I'm not going to make you... roll for this because this is a sacrifice that is considerable. Isn't there a lot of snow?

Yeah, sure. No, I'm not talking about your life being sacrificed. I know. I love that car. We'll get you a new car, Ned. Okay. You all dive out the side. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I pulled the Living Lett Die 8-track out of the 8-track player because that is irreplaceable. Okay. And with that, you tuck and roll out of the vehicle. and are harmlessly caught by a thick pad of snow, and you roll to a stop. And seconds after you do so, you see the counterweight smash into the Lincoln. And the Lincoln now sort of gets tied up

between the counterweight and the tram. And I think with that, the tram also now skips the tracks and now is kind of tumbling down the hill. And now all of it, the counterweight and the tram and your car kind of tied up in this cable are very, very slowly,

slowly skidding to a halt just in front of the base station. Oh, poor Ruby. I'm proud of you, Ned. And the eight track got smashed. Oh, God. I'll have to steal another one from McCartney.

Let's get back to Duck. you have knocked this thing down to the ground and disarmed it. And as you've done so, as it kind of rolled on the ground, you see that its hood has come off of its head. And what you see there poking out of this brown robe, you see a goat's head. It looks a lot like Vincent, actually. It looks like it could be Vincent's very, very jacked brother. but there is a goat man laying on the ground in front of you. What do you do?

Vincent? It looks up at you and it just has these wild eyes and these kind of scared eyes and it starts bleeding at you very, very loudly. And it doesn't seem to like recognize you. I don't know if that's what you're going for, but it is just kind of shouting at you. Okay, this is, you're on top of it. Duck is like realize that he does not have the Greco-Roman training that maintain the situation is going to require. So I want you to imagine clumsily while holding the goat man's arm, axe arm down with his left hand, or sorry, with his left foot, he reaches over with his right hand and like punches the goat's wrist to try to get it to let go of the axe.

It is very ungraceful and probably ineffective. No, yeah, you've definitely Disarmed it at this point And I think he is wrestling to Get you off of him Are you trying to maintain this position? Yes, I'm trying to maintain the grip So I can

I mean, he's just bleeding at me Remind me, I'm having so trouble remembering Is there any reason why Someone from Sylvain wouldn't necessarily Be able to understand me? Like, they can speak our language, right? Yeah. I mean, we speak

the same language, I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah, for sure. There is no reason why this goat man would not be able to understand you if he's from Sylvain. Okay. But it's, this goat man starts just shouting more and more and more and it's just echoing through the trees. And then it is answered by another loud bleat nearby in the brush and then a second also close by. And then two more robed goatmen step out of the brush flanking their companion. One of them is wielding a shovel and the other one is wielding a large pair of shears.

And they see you on top of their goat brother and start charging in your direction. By the time they have, I have first seen them and realized what was developing, as soon as they get within eye shot of, of me, they noticed that maybe even without me sort of necessarily doing it, Beacon has now coiled its way around the goat's throat. The two goat men stop and they look at each other and you can't tell if they're scared or confused as they turn to you with silent attention. Hold up, hold up. Y'all don't know me.

Listen, I would not just kill your friend lying here on arm to the ground like this. but I most definitely would. their good ones, and then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a floby, my husband has his haircut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals.

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at maximum fun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman. Listen, we already know that you love genre movies, film craft, and female filmmakers. So, if you love all those things, then by transitive property, you love my podcast, Switchblade Sisters. Hi, I'm film critic April Wool. Every week, I have a conversation with a different female filmmaker about their favorite genre film. Each episode covers the filmmaking process, working in the film industry, and just like general geeking out about awesome movies.

I've had such great guests like The Big Sick writer Emily Gordon. To me, indie movies, as of late, have come to be a catch-all term for a movie that kind of Defy genre? Billy Madison and half-bake director, Tamara Davis. When a comedian comes and enters onto my set, they're just there to be funny. And we're all ready and waiting for them to be funny. Horror industry veteran and actor Barbara Crampton. That's where real drama lies for me.

What's between you and I speaking right now? Where are we meeting? And what's the energy that we create between us? And so many others. So check out Switchblade Sisters every Thursday on Maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.