The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 16

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

With another accidental catastrophe averted, The Pine Guard catch their breath and split up to take care of some mid-Hunt business. Aubrey takes some magic lessons. Ned reflects on his larcenous past. Duck makes use of the In-fur-mary. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. You hear music coming from Minerva. It's like a sad and beautiful, like acoustic blues tune. You see a black imperial crown coop wrapped around a tree. In the driver's seat is your accomplice. And I pack and fill my pockets and then I got to run into the woods. I think you are surprised when you cut clean through the pole. Whoops!

And it falls over into the store. The counterweight and the tram and your car kind of tied up in this cable are very, very slowly, slowly skidding to a halt. Beacon has now coiled its way around the goat's throat. Y'all don't know me. Listen, I would not just kill your friend lying here on arm to the ground like this. But I most definitely what? we should start with like a refresher because it's been it's been a Gregorian calendar year since we've played this game in this in this one you hunt uh big monsters uh or sometimes

oh scary yeah sometimes it is a little scary i'm gonna go ahead and give this one pg 13 um griffin have we revealed yet that we're the real monsters like yeah um i think if if you've been paying attention to like the subtext of the podcast we have the walking dead is actually maybe even us if you can believe it. Yeah. Nice. Well, I don't need it because I've taken copious notes, but I'm sure the other two. The other two might need it. Why don't you lead us then, Dad, in prayer? Dear Lord, please bless us with recognition, with cognitive abilities to remember all of the many wonderful things that have happened. And thank you for the blessings of podcasts. He has no idea, yeah.

It's just one out of his old ass. Amen. So basically things have been happening that are bad. Bad things have happened that are bad like accidents. You had d' animals wreck because of the Gatorade bottle. You had the Pizza Hut sign falling into the building, and now you had the finicular tram. Something went wrong with its break mechanism, and it fell

and was only prevented from wrecking the base station and the people inside of it because of Ned and Aubrey and the brave sacrifice of the Lincoln Continental. So that has sort of been the main threat. It's kind of followed a pattern where there's been a sudden storm, and as it passes, that is when things start to go wrong. You have also seen now these hooded figures that now you know to be these goat men that kind of resemble some of the creatures, including Vincent, that you have seen over in Sylvain. And Duck, you were in the middle of a sort of standoff where you had one of them taken captive with beacon wrapped around its throat, with two more sort of facing you down. What other sort of stuff has been, Aubrey has kind of had some issues with her magic and her not really understanding how to make it work reliably, I guess. I would say that she has some reluctance

due to safety and danger and concerns. I think it's great that Travis's roles in the Adventure Zone have been such that should he actually roll unfavorably, he has to create a narrative reason why that this is happening. Certainly, this is not within the bounds of reality. Certainly there's a narrative reason why my roles are bad. The dice tell the story, you know.

Dice are telling the story. I'm a humble messenger, but the dice truly pin the tail on the donkey. Let's see. Is there any other, we also had Ned sort of realizing that it was Aubrey's house that he robbed, and that was sort of a fateful event in this campaign. It was the last robbery that he and his partner had before they had their wreck that left the partner behind. and Duck, you had, let's see, a vision, a pretty bad vision of a meteor falling planet side. Yeah.

Back in the first episode. Anything else that we needed? You met the Mothman. That was cool. Duck has a sister. Duck has a sister. He also saved Juno from the funicular falling. Oh, these goat men had the tools from Danyl's car, the one that wrecked.

So they took what seemed like his arborist tools from the vehicle after it crashed. I think that's it. I think we might be belaboring now. You all ready to hop back in now that we have sort of some groundwork? Okay. I mean, let's pick things up with duck. That is sort of the most pressing thing that I'm curious how it is going to resolve. You have this one goat man held captive.

You have the sword to its throat or rather, I guess, around its throat, which is sort of a unique way to put a sword to something's throat. And you have these two goatmen that you are facing off against, one with these long shears and one with a big shovel. And as you and Beacon say this badass shit, the two goatmen facing you down don't really, they really take a beat here. They don't know how to respond. They don't look scared as much as they look. They look confused. they look like the possibility of one of them being in danger actually never even occurred to them. And I think they have a beat here where they are just kind of stopped still in their tracks

and just sort of stare at you waiting for waiting for your next move. What do you do? I want to try to talk to him. Okay. And it sounds a little, that's a weird intro. I should always do that before I start talking. And now my character speaks. Listen, y'all, I'm going to.

to be honest with you, he's got a mind of his own. And I'm not playing good cop, bad cop. You better start talking so I can call this a whole thing off because he will decapitate your friend. Doc Newton tells the truth. Nothing would please me more. Please discuss. This is great because Justin's been recording the shit

out of the Sawbones audiobook, and so Doc Newton's voices changed. I've become a lot deeper. Yeah, he's down. It's down here because this is all I have left. Yeah, the people on the tour were about to go on are just going to get sort of tatters. Tatters, Justin's soul.

You know what I get, well, I got one of those Hollywood doctors to give me the shots of the goods. Keep the glitter and glamour spilling out my pores for the ticket buyers, of course. These two goatmen that you're facing off with, they look at each other. And the one holding the shovel kind of blinks and then says,

and you immediately realize that they do not speak your common human tongue. They really have no way of speaking to you. You don't even know if they understood what you just said. They obviously understood that their compatriot here is in danger, but that's about the long and short of it. I guess my question for you is, like, what are you hoping to accomplish with this hostage situation? So here is the questions for me as a play.

One, I'm obviously outnumbered and in a great deal of danger. Can I secure my safety? Second, I don't necessarily, I assume because of the structure of the show that these people have bad, these goats have bad intent, but I, it feel, but duck in the world does not know that. So that is, I'm trying to ascertain, I think that. Is this a situation where these are hostile or, you know, or what's the deal? Those are the two things I'm trying to achieve. But follow up question, like, this goat man that you have held hostage is, you know, has human characteristics and also animal characteristics.

Does duck feel an actual sort of reluctance to commit violence to this thing? Obviously, the big, you know, Omni Bear that you guys fought in the woods and the water ghost that you fought, like, you didn't necessarily have that, that element of, of, you know, personification, I guess, for lack of a better term. Yeah, well, and I think also this is a situation where he has managed to get the upper hand. And Duck is not the sort of dude who's just going to, like, decapitate an unarmed creature that he has pounced upon with nary a word, spoke. and one way or the other. I mean, he's, like, even if it was just an animal and not a personified animal, like, it didn't attack him yet. Like, it may be responsible for some bad stuff, but he's not going to, like, decapitate the

thing just because he has the opportunity to. He may come to regret that, but that is where he is coming from. Let's do this then. I think this is probably going to be a manipulate someone. I think that's how we codify this, and it's how we move the plot forward. You want them to do something. you have something that you have leverage, which is this captive.

So I think just to firm this up and to move forward, you tell them what you want them to do and you roll plus charm and you give them a reason, which I think your reason here is just, or I'll kill your friend. Yeah, or not friend, but, you know, fellow...

And I'm definitely using some, like, hand motions to try to indicate, like, basically just weapons down. Like, calm. You know what I mean? Like, calming like I would, probably with an animal as effective as that is, I have no idea. Roll 2D6.

Oh, no, it's a four. It's a four, isn't it? Oh, no. Oh, buddy. Oh, pal. Oh, no. Bad. Okay, I'm going to take a hard move here. They, I think they get one over on you.

The one with the shovel sort of just starts taking a step back. it's holding on to its shovel. It actually grips a little bit tighter to its shovel because it doesn't want to lose this tool. The one with the shears starts to put it down and then I think its legs just sort of compress and then spring forward at you. Just so, just so blinding fast and closes the gap between the two of you. And I think before you or Beacon have the chance to react, the shears go. through the goat man that you are holding hostage right through its shoulder and into your shoulder.

Oh, man, that's my shoulder. You have, you take three harm as this shear goes into you, and it pulls it back, and the goat man that you are holding captive falls to the ground and is bleeding and bleeding. Hey, all right. Hey, all right. Nice. Just bleeding up a street.

storm. And in this moment, like, you are looking at this, this goat man that you're holding hostage, or you were just moments ago. I think at this point, Beacon is now off this thing and the two of you are just kind of on the ground. And the other two goatmen have been kind of emotionless, right? Kind of, kind of robotic, although they are not robots, almost like confused by this hostage situation and the emotions that you were trying to conjure up. The one on the ground is fucking, it's terrified. It is. It is. It is terrified and it is exhibiting a lot more emotion than the other two ever did. And the one with the shears gets ready to leverage another strike down at you. And then both of the standing goatmen, their ears perk up and you see them look into the trees behind you. And you hear a car pulling up. And as it pulls up, these two remaining goatmen run away. and you hear snow crunching and through the brush comes Barclay. And he's holding his car keys.

He has a baseball bat in hand and he surveys the situation. He says, okay, so it's Goatman this time? Yeah, apparently it's Goatman. He helps you up to your feet and... Yeah, he has a jacket on that he takes off and presses to the wound in your shoulder. Obviously, it's not as bad as it would have been for a normal person because you absorb two of the harm with your sort of chosen armor.

But he says, all right, let's get back to the lodge. Did you, did something happen? Did I, did I miss something? Was there another sort of big accident? Yeah, the, what do you call it, gondola, sky gondola, had a crash. Yeah, we need to get you back to the lodge and sew up that shoulder. I'll be okay listen can you get in there and check on everybody I'll I'll be all right I'll wait I'll wait at the car I mean I will but I think we have a bit more of a pressing issue and he looks down

at the ground where there is still the injured goat man just kind of writhing his bleeding is getting a little bit quieter it seems like his his consciousness is starting to wane and he says I don't really know what to do in this situation yeah you don't speak goat no I don't fucking speak goat why would I speak goat that was racist wasn't it A little bit, kind of. Yeah, I just assumed he seemed like a Sylvain kind of. Barclay says, yeah, he does kind of look like a Sylvain thing, but he's definitely not. Wait, wait, seriously?

I mean, he would be able to speak if he, I don't know, I don't know what this thing is, Duck. And the goat man on the ground is now looking up at the two of you and its breathing is slowing. You actually see like tears in its eyes. this being is looking up at you as the two of you are speaking. I think it's stopped sort of crying out at this point, and it's just kind of quietly looking up at you. All right, listen, we got to get this thing back to the lodge or this person. I know, I know, I know, but look at it, man.

It's going to die if we don't do something. Hell, we got veterinary equipment down there. Somebody will be able to at least take a look, see if we could do something. You can't just let the poor thing die. For all I know, there's three of them on earth. That's not how I do it. He kind of laughs nervously, and he goes, we can't tell Mama about this, okay?

Yeah, man, it wouldn't high on my list, bud. I just want to help the thing if we can. It's kind of my fault, mainly beacons. Doc Newton, I will persist when you are dust. Do not take a moment to question. And he rolled him back up. He put him on his list. Okay, Barclay helps you pick this goat man up.

I think as you get it off the ground, it sort of bleats in protest for it. I think its shoulder hurts quite a bit as you lift it up. And the two of you managed to get it. It's actually a truck that he is driving. It's a mama's truck. And Barclay helps you put him in the truck bed and then kind of looks around and realizes like, oh, shit, we don't want anybody to see this and has a tart back there that he covers the the Goatman Up with and the three of you head back to the lodge. Let's also resolve Aubrey and Ned.

You all have just jumped out of a moving vehicle. Ned, you have just seen your automobile be destroyed as it sort of gets tangled up in the cable and counterweight and car. I think all of those things just kind of turned into a big, big ball and stopped just before running into the base station. and you all, I think, also came to a stop about 30 feet from the base station. You're pretty close now. And you can actually see the engineer in there. Mark, I think, is what we named him last time. He is listening to some music on some headphones.

And he has his back to this, like, obviously wild chaotic scene and just has no idea what happened behind him. What do you do? We weren't injured when we jumped out, were we? No. I think that the way we kind of just. justified it is the sacrifice was the car, and I wasn't going to make you all sort of, you know, break all of the bones in your body. I think you landed in a, in, you know, there was some thick snow in here, so you landed in that and were, we're pretty, pretty much okay. But at this point, like, is the situation done?

Yeah, situation's done. There, uh, there is no more harm posed to the, no more threat, rather, posed to the, to the, to the base station. So the car's not salvageable? Would you say it's totaled? Yeah, Ned, I'm going to say it's totaled. I hope you have insurance. Yeah. Oh, Ned. Oh, no. Okay, I'll tell you what.

Let me get a few things out of the trunk. And then I guess we have to trudge back up the hill? I mean, I can call a lift. No, wait, there's no cell service. Fuck. Got you again. All right, so Ned goes and gets the wookie costume out of the trunk. It's unharmed.

Sure. I love the sort of unofficial, like, bag of holding that Ned always has on him, where he just always has either one of the objects that we've sort of established that Ned had in character creation or from Heathcliff or just that you fucking

stole from some celebrity at some point. So I imagine there's quite a few things. Your trunk of holding, I imagine there's quite a few things. As you are sort of rooting around in the trunk, which, by the way, it's probably pretty hard to get to, because it's not much of a trunk anymore, as much as it is like a, you know, a

of Dr. Pepper that a, you know, a horse stepped on. God, that's fucking beautiful metaphor. Jesus Christ, I'm good at this. Holy shit. You guys are so fucking lucky. You get to play this fucking game with me. You're like a word smith. You're a word smith.

You're a word smith. Damn. As you're rooting through, the engineer is alerted to the police sirens that are actually going off as these two sheriff station vehicles pull up in front. of the base station and you see two figures run inside. You see Sheriff Zique and you see Deputy Dewey sprint into the station and start checking the area. And I think that they see you. And Zeeke looks kind of surprised to see you, especially Ned.

I think he doesn't, I think he notices you, Aubrey. But when he sees Ned, he's like, oh, fuck. And the engineer walks over to the train car cable counterweight situation. and starts looking around and says, he says, hey, are you, are you two okay? You weren't in the train, were you? No, no, no, no. Oh, gosh, no.

We avoided that. It was a close call, but no, not on the train. Not on the train. We were in the car. It's a terrible, terrible tragedy. Awful. It's one of a kind, a collector's item. If you know anybody who buy scrap metal,

I'm I'm they could give me a call just he's I think as you are speaking about uh for some reason in the moment of him discovering that the train has been destroyed asking him about sort of second hand scrap metal retailers he is uh he is sort of now focused entirely on the train and he says oh shit and he runs back to the base station and you see him pick up his radio and try to contact the engineer back at the top um but then he puts the radio down and kind of looks at it and like slaps it against his palm, and his radio has stopped working, and then he shakes it a little bit, and you see some brown liquid come out of it, and then you see him kind of realize that the coffee he was drinking earlier spilled onto the radio, which kept it from working. And he just starts,

I think, walking up the hill just to make sure that everybody at the top station is okay. And with that, Sheriff Zeek walks over to the two of you and says, all right, so it seems like, it seems like, It's starting to become a bit of a habit with y'all, huh? Being right in the middle of the mess of things lately, huh? Total accident, Sheriff. I was trying to drive down the hill to warn Mark because we saw the finikili, finikula, out of control. And so I was trying to drive down the new chains. So I thought, yeah, we'll just drive down.

Warren Mark, he'll be okay. and just the car weren't as good a change as I thought and just drifted right into the path of the train. Terrible, terrible accident. Thank God no one was hurt in this. Sheriff Zieg looks over at you, Aubrey, and sees you being kind of quiet.

He says, are you okay, miss? Yeah. Like you said, you know, just right place, right time, wrong place, wrong time. I can't be both at this. It can't be both at once. Well, I mean, we did kind of save Mark, but also kind of wreck the car. So, you know, I would call it a win, but...

Anywho, we should get going. Yes, we've got a thing. Oh, right. Yeah, that thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That thing, Aubrey. Y'all, this finicular's been serving this town for a few decades now, and there's been an accident. And I still don't know what's going on at the top station. I don't know if anybody else has been hurt. And as far as I can see, Ned, your car crashed into a train and all of it got wrecked.

So I, I, y'all, hold on. Talk to the guy at the top of the hill and he'll tell you like the cable broke long before our car got in the way. We saved the station. You're welcome. We're sort of heroes. He looks a bit caught off guard. He says, that don't change the fact now we're. Two days in a row, something's gone wrong in Kepler and y'all have been at the scene.

Yeah, but you're here too, so. I'm a fucking sheriff. This is how it works. I'm always there when bad things are like that. A likely story. Listen, I'm not, I'm not, y'all aren't under arrest or anything, but. Okay, bye. But, Ned, would you mind just coming down in the sheriff's station with me?

Just answer some questions. I need to know something, okay? Okay, Ned, it seems like you've got this. Whoa! Whoa! So I have to go. I've got that thing, like we said. The thing, yeah.

Yeah, I'll go with the sheriff and Aubrey, you go do the thing and make sure that the thing is okay with the thing. Sounds great. Do either of you know what he's talking about? No. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Fantastic. Duck, you and Barclay have managed to get this goat man back to the base. the base.

The base? That sounds very militaristic. I love it. Back to Amnesty Lodge. Back to the Pine Guard headquarters underneath in the cellar. Barclay hops out of the truck as you all get there and sort of gives you like a hold on signal and then runs inside and comes out and he says, all right, mama's not here. I think she's out running errands or something, but we're in the clear. And he helps you get the goat man inside and up on.

the, I don't actually know what your sort of veterinary infirmary situation looks like. Can you sort of, can you describe, like, is this something that Duck knows how to do? Or what are you sort of envisioning this scene looking like? Duck is probably first aid, I would think, as far as, like, what he can do. That seems to me to be logical. Like, he's not a serious, you know, he's not a, uh, he's not a, uh, he's not a, uh, a, animal physician, but I think he probably is aware of, you know, the basics. So what we're talking about in this area, I think you can imagine a metal table in the

middle of the room and then some like formica counters sort of surrounding it with wood cabinets above, of sort of cheap wood cabinets that are filled with all manner of, you know, tinctures and medications. Tincture sounds fake. Medications. Salves and po- Yeah, some ointments, liniments, some potions.

Some unguents. I'm uniquely positioned to keep, continue to crank out synonyms here after recording the Sawbones audiobooks. So you probably want to stop this game right here. But, and that is, there's also a scale in the corner of the room. And that is sort of what we're looking at here.

Okay. So first off, as you all come in, Thacker, who you've seen down here in sort of the little kitchen dungeon area that Mama set up, every time that you all have been down here, Thacker has just basically been comatose, just sort of lost in whatever sort of state that he is in seated crisscross applesauce. just kind of in the middle of the kitchen there. And as you all come in and this goat man is starting to shout a little bit more, not super loudly, not shout, but just sort of starting to make some animalistic noises. Thacker actually looks up and comes up to his knees and is just sort of surveying this scene quietly.

You get the goat man laid out on the table and you've definitely seen like some cuts and bruises on the trails and from people sort of hiking the Appalachian Trail and sort of getting some grisly wounds along the way, you know that miraculously, or perhaps not miraculously, like you don't really know what the physiology of this thing is. They don't seem to have hit like an artery or anything like that. This thing is obviously very, very injured with a wound that goes, you know, clean through, but there's not like a ton of blood. So you get the impression that, you know, maybe you can just seal this thing up and, you know,

give it some antibiotics or something. I don't want to sort of tell you how this scene works, but you get the idea that like you, this is maybe a little bit above your pay grade, but you could take a shot at it treating this thing. And you have Barclay also helping you out. I think Barclay is actually helping hold this thing down because every time you get close to this wound,

And it gets super scared again. It gets very, very scared. Okay. So there's a wound right here. Wait, you think clean it? Definitely want to clean with alcohol first. I remember that. Yes.

Alcohol clean with alcohol first. So I go and get the bottle of alcohol off the shelf. Okay. I get a clean rag. And I, you don't really think of clean rags, do you? Like the clean hand towel, dump some alcohol on it, and I say, uh, sorry, and then I pour some alcohol onto the wound. I'm trying to think of the best way to do this.

I want you to maybe act under pressure, and we can let it ride for like this whole process. This is like duck performing surgery role. Um, and we will, we'll see how it goes. That's plus cool. All right. All right. Seven. That's more like it. Now we're cooking with dice. Seven plus... Cooking with dice.

Nine. Nine. Okay. So on a mixed success, the keeper is going to give you a worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay. I think the price to pay is... The goat man just screams. Just screams. As soon as the alcohol touches the wound, he screams and looks terrified. It has like... It's like he's never felt pain before, and this is a very bad pain, and he screams, and then I think faints and is now just completely unconscious, which is going to help things. But as he screams above you, because this is the cellar beneath the embassy lodge, you hear a chair

scoot back. You hear that, like, uh, noise. And then you hear footsteps sort of rushing toward the front door. And Barclay looks up at you, and his eyes get wide, and he says, I got this. I guess keep sewing him up. Barca almost looks like he's like, you know how like when you get in a really bad situation that you're completely out of your depth, it can be almost like funny.

Like you almost are like, this is, this sucks so bad. I think he's kind of in that state. He's like, oh, good. Somebody's coming down to check on the monster we kidnapped. He races up the cellar stairs and shuts the door behind him. And you actually hear him talking to Agent Stur. just outside of the seller. What else do you do?

All right. So we got a... Let me get the suture kit out here. I'm really... Oh, man. Now, I am curious, how much of this is Duck not knowing what to do and how much is Justin not knowing what to do? I mean, I'm trying...

It's a little bit. You know, I try to bring a little bit of myself to every character I play draft. All right. I don't know why Duck Newton would have more surgical experience than Justin McElroy. So I'm totally fine with this out. I'm going to be, here's the one thing I will say to you. I don't know. The one thing I don't know is anesthesia.

I wouldn't begin to know how much to dose you for that. So this is going to hurt a lot, man. I'm really, I'm really sorry. Do you want to bite down on something? or? The goat is unconscious. It's unconscious. All right.

Well, at least there's that. All right. So I need the needle driver and the foreseps and scissors and the needle and somebody's Googled. And a phone with Google on it. This is what it says on the inside of the suture kit. I'm reading the inside of the suture kit. Okay.

These are the things that are in there. Sure. Let's not, for some of our more squeamish listeners, let's not do an in-depth you know, nasty suture scene. I sew him up. Okay. Yeah. Duck has probably sewed things before.

Yeah. So he is competent at least at that. And then he knows to like put some antiseptic on it, cover it with clean bandages, et cetera, et cetera. Well, let's hop into like in the middle of this process. I'm not, we're going to let that nine roll in the price to pays that Barclay was sort of peeled off. While you were in the middle of this process, it is, it's, it's starting. to get a little bit later in the day. As you are in the middle of sewing,

I think you are startled as you hear from behind you. Duck Newton! Are you prepared for to... Duck Newton? What is the meaning of this? And behind you, uh, appears Minerva. Minerva, your timing sucks.

Um, I... This goat person, man, whatever was... got hurt and I'm just trying to keep it together long enough to save its life. You don't know anything about sutures, do you? I don't even know if you have flesh, I just come to think of it, right?

You're like a ghost. I'm not a ghost, Doc Newton. I have is this creature you're tending to a foe? You know, I don't know. I think so. My gut tells me that this guy and his buddies or what been responsible for some of the bad stuff that's been going down lately.

I can't say for sure. But, yeah, I mean, I... Beacon almost cut his head off, and, like, I felt like shit about it, honestly. And he was hurt, and I was just trying to fix him up. I don't know. For information, you know, we could grill him or something. She shakes her head, and she says, Beacon tried to do what Beacon is supposed to do.

What you're supposed to do? Doug Newton dispatch. this beast at once. It's vulnerable to you. Strike true. Drive your beacon into its heart. Listen, I was about to say let's put it to a vote, but yes, let's

see how the, no, we're not doing that. I'm not going to kill an unarmed, unconscious creature in cold blood. I'm not going to do it. Especially when I don't know what his intent is. She

shakes her head and looks down for a minute. And we've talked about how, like, you always see her in silhouette, so it's really hard to actually kind of read her. But she is, she is furious. You can tell just from her, like, her body language. And she says, your job is not to befriend your foe, Duck Newton. It is to vanquish them. It is to leave them no quarter, no hope to which to cling. Your calling is to paint your besiege homeland in the blood of those who would see your world destroyed. Now strike Duck Newton. You listen to me.

I'm going to save this weird goat and then I'm going to try to teach it English or some shit and I can figure out what's going on here. If you continue to push me to kill this thing, I will walk away from all of this. And if you need evidence that I am not kidding with you, look at the past fucking 20 years, Minerva. I'm going to do this on my own terms. Now unless you can hold a thread,

I would ask that you leave me the fuck alone and let me sew. She freezes and she puts a hand to her forehead and you can see her silhouette start to tremble a little bit and she says I

I and then she disappears and you finish your operation and the goat man stabilizes. He's still unconscious. He is, and again, this is probably something you've seen on the trail, maybe with some of the gnarlier sort of injuries that have come through the ranger station. He's in shock, and he is alive and not bleeding anymore. And you can actually tell you actually did pretty good stitches here.

and he is laid out to rest. And it's a couple hours later and you're keeping an eye on him. And something happens that hasn't really happened before, which is twice in the same night, Minerva comes back. Usually she just comes back at that same appointed time that she always comes back. And now she is making a second appearance. And as she shows up, as you sort of see her appear, she is standing still and you hear that blues music that you heard so many months ago when she

tried to appear to you and you saw her sort of frozen in place and you can't hear her and you get the impression she can't hear you and she just she becomes unfrozen and sort of holds up a finger sort of telling you to wait and eventually that music fades and she speaks and she says I owe you an apology, Duck Newton. I was trained in my order's temple for nearly a century, but it seems that you just, you can't train temperance, can you? Listen, I'm sorry that I kind of snapped at you. I was under a lot of pressure, and I've never had to sew up.

Well, neither a goat nor man to say nothing of a goat man. So it was pretty intense. Yes, I hope you don't think less of me, Duck Newton. Training a champion remotely like this, it requires absolute trust. And if that trust was harmed, Duck Newton, it would make me a less effective tutor to you. Nah, we're fine. Just try to remember next time. I mean, I don't know a lot about sword fighting and, you know,

flips and kicks and stuff but I spent my whole life trying to figure out how I think about stuff and in the woods you get a lot of time to sort of go back and forth on that kind of thing and I know where I stand Minerva I know where I stand she sits down which you've never seen you see here her pull something actually she walks away from you and then you see her sort of miming almost, like she's pulling a chair over, and she sits down, and she takes her hand and is kind of rubbing it over her bald head, and she looks at you, and she says, I think that that will serve you better than any training I could ever give you, Duck Newton. There are things I haven't told you, Duck Newton, because if I told you them, they would

damage the trust that we have, that trust that is imperative to this process. my rage towards your world's assailants duck, it is born of my own world's destruction. My home duck, my planet, Mero-Liviniak's orbital body five. Five, for short. It's a bit of a mouthful. It too was connected to another place,

far flung from our own world. Like your world, ours became tethered, and the beings that poured through that fissure duck we lost and we kept losing and that is why my passion manifests as fury duck i know your toil and it makes me tired she says and i want to drive home you have never seen anything like this from from minerva she is always sort of this um larger than life always bombastic sort of a warrior champion and

this is not that. I'm damn many I'm I'm really sorry about your world and everything that's tough she puts up a hand and stands up and she says please

just forget about this conversation Duck Newton you need further training and my lessons will not be as effective without your complete trust She looks around and she says My time is almost up Your visions, Duck Are you still having your visions?

Yeah They're kind of back and forth On whether or not they're helpful or not But I'm still getting them And your latest vision Uh yeah it was a real barn burner Honestly of meteor Destroy and everything

It was pretty intense She takes a step back And she says Are you abs? And then she vanishes. Okay, Ned, you are in the sheriff's office. You're not in like a cell or anything like that. I think you're just sort of in a holding room.

There is a table, and Deputy Dewey has come in a couple times just to make sure that you need anything. Do you need some coffee or a diet Coke or those are really your two options. I guess water you could also have. just sort of making sure that you're taking care of. You are not a prisoner at this time. Cronuts? Any chance that you have cronuts? I mean, I could whip you up some donuts.

Cronuts. It's sort of like half croissant, half donut. And I don't mean like the left side is a croissant. The left side's donut. It's sort of like a donut, but with layers. Never mind. That's all right. No. I mean, I'll get on Alta Vista and find a rest.

and he walks out of the room, off to Alta Vista. And a few moments later, Sheriff Zieg walks in, and he sits down across from you, and he doesn't really know how to treat you. Like, your last interaction with him was on the front porch of his house as you were trying to get Calvin to come out and help you fight the water monster. And he sort of brushes his hair back, and he says, I need you to start by telling me why you were. at Leo's place when the Pizza Hut sign fell down.

They're picking up a bazaar. We had ordered, I think it was, they had a, buy one, get one. They had a bogo with two toppings and breadsticks. And, you know, the weather was so bad. I didn't want some other poor citizen out driving around and that crap. So I was driving down there to pick it up myself. and just happened to notice the impending disaster. And, well, being the hero that I am,

I sprang into action to help Leo and all of his friends. And then the finicular, you just happened to be there also when the brakes failed. Well, we were going to go do a little snowboarding. My friend Jake Kulai said told me there was some rad thrashing boarding going on there, man. So we were heading down to, you know, hit the powder, as they say. Because I was so shook after the Pizza Hut thing I needed to get my mind off of it. And it just seems like a little extreme board action was just, what the doctor ordered.

He chuckles, and he says, well, I got a theory. You want to hear it? Of course. I think maybe business has been a little bit slower at the cryptonomica since your big, Bigfoot sighting. And I think maybe you're trying to drum up

a little bit of holiday traffic, try to make things, some supernatural mischief happen all around town. Maybe chalk it up to, I don't know, man, the Jersey devil, or some sort of, alien or something. Well, let me ask you a theoretical question.

Would something like that be, you know, a misdemeanor? Or would that be like a felony? Um, you know, just pranking around like that? I mean, I'm not saying I did, but I mean, if that were something, that would, that would probably be a minor, something you could pay with a small fine, right? One, no. two, that's not a denial, Ned. Well, then I'll deny it.

Categorically deny it. You know, I have other ways of promoting. You know, I have a new TV show. It's the Saturday Night Dead. Yeah, we're having a crampus festival. Did you know that? Holiday, Crampus, Crampus 2, Crampus Unleashed. Matter of fact, if you would like to be on the show,

I would love to have you make a guest appearance. he smiles he says yeah i've seen your show ned i like those old movies and he um thank you he pulls out a he reaches into his jacket and he pulls out a pack of cigarettes and he says you mind and he starts to light one up no um certainly not um not a lot he uh he smiles and he says ned i know that you and i have uh we have our differences about how we think this town should should run, but I know you didn't have anything to do with the train. It's a bit curious how your car ended up tangled up, but I guess you stopped it from killing old Mark, so I guess we do owe you, I don't know, man, key to the city or something. I'll talk to the mayor, I don't know. I know that,

Ned, I see every stiff that comes through this place. Do you think I don't know that something's wrong with this town. You're fairly new in town, Ned. You never got to meet Sheriff Neely. He served before me, taught me everything I know. He died in the woods back in 1991. Bear attack, they said. So I took over his office.

It's been nearly 30 years since then, Ned, and people still wish they had him over me, and I don't blame him because there's plenty of folks in this town who know enough to be afraid. You were at the tram and you were at Leo's. I bet you had some. something to do with the H2 Woe debacle that happened a few months back to. All I want to know is what's going on in my town, Ned, so I can stop it.

If there's anything you know, anything that can help me out, anything that sounds beyond belief, I've tried everything else. I am all ears, Ned Chicanin. Sheriff, may I call you, Zeke? Good. You know what? I'm just going to tell you the truth. I'm just going to spill the beans. Now, that isn't such a big deal because I'm not really sure what the beans are. But I think we're on the same side. I think we're both on the side of the angels, whoever the angels are. and there's weird shit going on around here

and it sounds like it's been going on for a long, long while. And I'm hooked up with a couple of people that are I've come to kind of care about and depend on. And they're involved in some wild, crazy shit. And I just kind of go along. for the ride. I don't have any answers except to tell you, you're right. There's something really weird going on. And I would just as soon have you for a friend and an ally as an opponent. So I'm not sure what I can tell you because I'm kind of clueless. Let's let's firm this up.

saying that you, are you wanting to initiate sheriff's, to the, like, the best of your abilities? I know that you're saying that Ned is fairly clueless, and I don't know how much of that is your understanding of what Ned knows, because, I mean, Ned went to another planet, right? Ned went to another planet. Ned has killed two abominations. Ned knows about the pine guard. Like, Ned, Ned knows quite a bit. Are you sort of letting on a little bit without sort of giving away the whole thing? Or what's, what are you, what are you, What are you doing with Ned right now? I think, to be honest,

I think Ned feels a little overwhelmed. And I think, you know, Ned has spent all these stories basically the, I mean, he's gotten closer to Duck and to, to Aubrey. But, you know, at his very heart, Ned's not a hero.

And I think he's, he's kind of looking for any kind of support he can get. No, I don't think he wants to. to tell the sheriff everything. But I think maybe there are things about himself that maybe it's time for him to, you know, break down the facade a little bit for somebody who might be able to help him.

Okay. He says, I need you to understand where I'm coming from, Ned. I don't believe in the bullshit that you pedal at the cryptonomica, let alone the idea that there are, actual things that go bump in the night. Are you saying that there is some sort of supernatural danger here in Kepler? Let me put it to you this way, Sheriff, because I don't think I have done anything illegal lately. There's something going on here, and I guess the way I would put it to you is maybe you,

want to buy a little bit of the bullshit that is the kryptonomica. Maybe you should have an open mind and when I can tell you more, I will tell you more. When you say specifically, you should buy some bullshit from the kryptonomica, I think he laughs out loud. And let's you sort of finish your thought. And then he puts out his cigarette and he says, I don't know why the fuck I'm talking to you about this, Ned Chicanne, I don't know why I thought I was going to be able to get a straight answer out of you. I'll tell you what, you're not under arrest or anything, but why don't you sit in here for a bit and I've got to file some paperwork and then I'll come and then we can get you home. How's that sound, Ned?

Sounds great, Zeke. And he stands up and I think he stands up pretty fast. I think his chair actually falls over as he does so he's kind of, he's a little bit pissed off. He thinks that you've just sort of taken him for a ride for a little bit. I think he's mostly angry at himself for like allowing himself to start to sort of buy into it. And I don't want to sort of take away the fact that you are opening up a bit to him. I think that you have said things to him that are going to sink in. But I think in this very moment he's thinking, I just wasted my fucking time. And he storms out of the holding room. And you're sitting in this holding room for a little bit. And I think just, being in a sheriff's office kind of takes you back, maybe returns your thoughts to all of the other

corrective institutions you have been, been fortunate enough to visit during your career of burglary. We haven't really talked much about Ned's history, and so I want to, like, get into that a little bit, as long as we have this, like, solo scene. And I don't know how much thought you've given to this, but how did Ned get into burglary? I think Ned has, he kind of saw himself as like a Robin Hood. You know, almost like a treasure hunter. Ned just had the physical gifts, the mental gifts for theft. Never anything armed robbery or anything like that.

He was more of a cat burglar. Sure. And usually tried to steal things that had been stolen so that he was stealing them from thieves. And that's where a lot of... Now, I do want to address the fact that you have stolen as so far, canonically, an Oscar,

I think, from Clooney. You have stolen a Nerf gun prototype from the adventer of Nerfs. I don't know that necessarily they were thieves. Not exclusively. Okay. Maybe once or twice you stole something from thieves and that's how you sleep at night.

But most of the time, it is sort of... Well, I think he started off as just a flat-out burglar who'd like to collect weird shit. Okay. But then I think he kind of saw, there was an incident in his past where he saw that that was not good. And he basically had a life-changing moment. He had an incident where he just decided that this was not for him anymore.

I do also when I drive home that the final burglary you ever did was Opry's house, which I don't necessarily know that that was an entire. altruistic heist and we can get into that that that one was a bad one that was that's what i've been thinking would okay that was like a nice opportunity and so you kind of broke your own rules a little bit just to just to get the sweet score uh okay we also haven't talked much about your partner so let's like i i i don't know if you have any ideas as to like how the two of you met but i have like kind of a scene that i think could be fun um go for it cool with that okay if you don't have So I, you are, it's a long time ago.

I don't think, I don't think you're in like, you're not in West Virginia. I don't think you are, I mean, you tell me, like, where was your, did you have like a base of operations for your cat burglary operation or were you sort of all over the place? No, no, he just kind of traveled. He loved traveling by train, by rail and never really had kind of a lockdown, you know, base of operations or business. whack. Okay. Let's say you're in Connecticut somewhere. Okay. And a fairly rural part of Connecticut where the houses are nice and they are secluded. And you are in the middle of not like a huge hall, but like a safe hall, which I think for like a career burglar is kind of what you go for. It's not all about like the ocean's $11 million getaways as much as it is like

like the grind, I can do this and not get caught. You're actually in the middle of a house that is being fumigated. And so the family is not present. There are some neighbors nearby, but you are inside this house that is inside a giant tent, and you have a gas mask on that is protecting you from the bug spray that is happening in this house. And I think you can maybe even smell it a little bit inside the gas. mask, but it is protecting you from harm.

And as you're sort of poking around this house and just having a leisurely robbery, you turn a corner into an office and you see a figure actually also robbing this room of its valuables. And this figure turns towards you and he's wearing a gas mask too. And the two of you are just kind of frozen in place as you run into another burglar in the middle of this scene of your crime. What do you do? Pardon me, sir. I'm Larry. I'm with Terminix. You're really not supposed to be in here while we're fumigating while we're clearing out this residence. So you probably need to

leave immediately. Okay, well, I'm Bob from Pest Blasters, five, three. thousand and you're not supposed what are we doing what are we both going to pretend then that we're we're both in the in the trade of of killing bugs or are we going to fess up this is i i have to admit i don't know the protocol here this is this is unprecedented for me look uh there's obviously been some kind of advance scouting mistake uh you obviously are well entrenched here why don't i just, why don't I just leave you to it and let you get about whatever the hell it is that you're doing and I will find another place to quote unquote get rid of vermin. He says, all right there, Larry, that's, I mean, that works for me. I've scouted this place out

for quite some time and need, I'm a little cash light right now so I could use the, and through the tent, you can see through the windows, it's like this big, red and yellow like circus tent almost, you see lights flashing against the side of the tent, blue and red lights, and you know that there are police officers outside. And Bob says, well, Larry, it seems like we're well and proper fucked, huh? Yes. but do you know of any perhaps backdoor to the house or root cellar or anything so we could get unfucked by leaving? He just starts moving at this point because you hear officers start approaching the front door

and start trying to figure out how to like get through this bug tent. and he runs to the back door and tries to open it and sees that the tent is sort of surrounding it also, and then runs to a basement door, which he tries to open but finds it securely padlocked, and he starts trying to kick it down and it's not working. Please allow me. Do you mind? He steps back and Bob allows you access to the lock. I know I can do this. Probably act under pressure.

act under pressure all right act under pressure all right is this one of let's establish this so because I know I don't think you have like a skill that's like oh or you tell me actually I don't know um well there's burglary

yeah this is like your first time actually doing some burglary even though it's in like a flashback and the crooked let's see when you break into a secure location roll plus sharp on a plus 10 pick three on a 7 to 9 pick 2 you get in undetected you get out undetected you don't leave a mess, you find what you are after.

So let's do that. We've never done that roll before. And we can say this break into a secure location is like this robbery. All right. I rolled a seven plus two sharp. Yeah. So that would be nine. Okay, pick two.

You get in undetected. I mean, let's take that one off the table. You got in, I guess, undetected until you ran into another burglar in this place. You get out undetected. You don't leave a mess. You find what you were after. we get out undetected Sure and you get one more

You don't leave a mess You find what you were after Okay find what you were after Okay I think that just means like You get a sack of loot You did very well On this

On this robbery And I think that Bob did too Bob also has like a A satchel that he has Stuffed full of stuff And you managed to get the basement door open And run down the stairs and Bob turns on a flashlight.

He actually has like a head-mounted flashlight, and you see some stairs leading up to a cellar door that is unsecured and unlocked, and Bob pushes it open, and the two of you will hop a fence and make it out okay. I think actually Bob helps you up over the fence first. It's a very, very tall fence, and you actually hear police officers coming around the side of this backyard that you're in and start opening up the gate. that would allow them access. So he's like moving quickly and actually lets you get up first,

which is maybe more noble than the average burglar. And he manages to skitter up the fence himself and the two of you managed to get off to safety. And after you've made it a certain distance, you come to like a hill by the roadside where these police officers are and the two of you roll down it and are sort of laying with your backs up against it waiting for the police officers to leave and Bob takes off his mask. And what's your, what's your partner look like? We also don't know his name. I'm sort of leaving that up to you

unless you want to keep calling him Bob and Larry, which is fun, but it's also the veggie tales. Boyd Moche is his name. M-O-S-C-H-E. Boyd Moche. He's a big guy. Like Michael Phelps, kind of tall, you know, fairly athletic and just a hard-looking guy. He just, he looks, you know what I mean? I mean, he looks like, he looks like a badass. Okay. We can leave it at that and just sort of leave the rest up to the audience's imagination. He takes off his mask and you see this, you know, this, this chiseled jaw, this like this very, very physical-looking dude who, uh, who, uh, he takes off his mask. And you see this, you know, this, this, this, uh, very, very physical-looking dude, uh, who, uh, uh, uh, uh, who, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, takes the mask off and looks over at you and kind of like gives a like panicked like smile. And the two of you just kind of lay there quietly for a bit until the, the cars start to roll away. And he looks up and makes sure that the coast is clear. And he comes back down to you on the hill and gives you a thumbs up. And he says, it was a bit closer than I like to come to the, to the fuzz.

All right. You seem trustworthy as trustworthy as we come. and he offers you a hand, he says, Boyd Moche. Hello, Boyd, nice to meet you. My name is Arturo Copperthwaite. He shakes your hand, and he laughs, and he says, no, it isn't. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your thirsty, boy.

And I don't, I don't mean that in the horny way. I mean, I require fluid. Thank you for listening to the Adventure Zone Amnesty's is episode 16, and I, uh, I, I hope you enjoyed. It was a very long recording and a very long edit, so I hope you enjoyed. I hope it turned out well. And hey, let's talk about some of our sponsors for this episode. What do you say? Got a couple jumbotrons here. This one is for Matthew, and it's from Nate, who says, hey, Matthew, I can't believe we've been together for 10 years already. I'm not sure when this would air, so I hope you have a fantastic day slash vacation, slash birthday, slash anniversary, slash anything.

love freckles Olivia and your very gay husband Nate what if all of those fell out of the same fucking day can you even imagine the hullabaloo of your vacation birthday anniversary pride anything day out of control I love it I have another one here and this one's for billy and Janelle and it's from Joe who says billy and Janelle congratulations on your engagement while the gemstone on your ring may not be a lens through which to view other worlds it is try it is something of far greater significance, a symbol of the love you share. We are certain that you'll spend the rest of your lives together in great joy alongside the world's second best dog, guest on your comrades.

Oh, shit! Your dog got burnt up. Apply this ice directly to the burned part of your body where this sick dog burn just got you. I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you do that, you might end up as a character on the show like, uh, named for Curse-Art on Twitter, maybe Crazy Art, Woodbridge, named for Chris Woodbridge on Twitter, Agent Stern, named for Joseph Stern on Twitter. Yeah, if you tweet about the show using

the Zoncast hashtag, you might end up as a character, but really we just appreciate your spreading the word. It means a lot, and it is how we have found most of the audience that we have right now, so we're very appreciative of you all telling people who you think might be into hearing people play role-playing games for a while. I want to thank Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to Maximumfund.org. Check out all the great shows there. They got shows like Titan Fights and Switchblade Sisters and Judge John Hodgman and so many shows at maximum fun.

We have other stuff at mackleroyshows.com. We got a graphic novel. You can check out at the Adventure Zonecomcom. All right, that's it. I'm going to let you get back to the rest of the episode. We will be back into Thursdays with a whole. a new episode to treat and entice you. A super gross way to put that, but I'm stalling because the calendar is taking a while

to load because I can't add 4 and 14. But if I could, I would tell you that October the 18th is when the next episode's going to come out. So have it. Bye. So, Aubrey, you have headed to Sylvain. I think that, let's address this. Have you been back to visit Janelle and, like, do your magic lessons? It's been a couple of months now since you were sort of first introduced to the world of Sylvain.

And Janelle sort of told you to come back. And she wants to study you just as much as you want to learn from her. Is this the first time that that has happened? Or have you done this a couple times now? I would say that like it's probably happened a couple times. But very like cursory check-in, no big advancements or anything along those lines. Like, think if we're talking in terms of like karate kid, this is still like the paint defense, wash the car kind of thing. Yeah, or to like put it in the terms that we've already established.

So like she has studied you and you have not learned anything from her, which is probably frustrating. She's like, okay, do your thing, do your thing, do your thing. I want to test your natural aptitude before we actually get into the. And maybe you've started to think like, maybe she can't teach me anything, which is probably very frustrating to like be able to use magic. and not trust this person is going to be able to help you improve it or make it safer. So you're in her chambers sort of in the castle in the center of the city. And this room is, it is incredibly Spartan. There is just a single desk in the middle of the room with a single book and a cup of

tea on the desk. She keeps things like super simple in here so she can focus absolutely on like the text that she is studying at any given time. And as you enter, she gestures to sort of a large clearing in the room where there is a big circular rug laid out. And she has had you sort of stand in the middle of that each time you've come in. And she says, okay, Aubrey, it's been a couple of weeks now and let's see how things are coming along. No. I don't think she has any patience for this shit.

whatsoever. She like, this is a, this is a person who like, uh, is responsible for discovering the magical cure that will save this world. As soon as you say no, she says, okay. And she stands up and walks over to her desk. You don't, you don't understand. Can I, can we talk for a second? Uh, she sets her book back down on the, uh, on the desk and she sits down, uh, in this rotating chair at the desk, which she rotates around to face you as you stand in the center of this rug. And she says, okay, but I only have a few moments. What would you like to talk about? When I use magic, people keep getting hurt.

And I, can you make it, can you please take the magic away, please? I don't want to do it anymore. I can't control it, and I just end up hurting people that I love, and I don't want to do it anymore, please. In all of her years of doing this, I don't actually know how long she's been the minister of the arcane, but she's been like,

she has known how magic has worked in this world for a while and been a tutor to many, many people in its ways. she is taken back by this question. You get the impression nobody has ever asked for this before. And I'm trying to decide how she takes it because you've actually caught me off guard quite a bit. And she says, Aubrey, I apologize.

I have perhaps spent too much of our time together learning from you without imparting my own wisdom to you. And for that, I believe, I have wronged you. I need you to understand, though, I cannot take your power away from you, Aubrey, because it doesn't belong to you. It doesn't come from you.

Do you want to know where this magic comes from? Yes. What does it feel like when you conjure the phenomena that you conjure? I mean, it's hard to describe, but you know how like when you get tickled and you laugh and you don't really laugh on purpose but it it feels right and natural to do but you're not really thinking like laugh now you're not reacting to a joke it's just the the outcome like I can't think like I would like to make fire now, but it's there when it's the right reaction to have. Does this make any sense?

She stands up from her desk and walks over to this pot and small ceramic cup, and she pours you a cup of tea and walks over to you and hands it to you. And this is already way more warmth than Janelle has ever shown you. And she says, it is a reflex. Yeah, yeah. Like that. That is not how it is for me at all, but that is what is so fascinating about you, Aubrey. And I know that it must be frustrating your mistakes that you have made with your magic, but these kinds of mistakes are to be expected. Obviously, yours have been maybe a bit more destructive than most,

but your magic doesn't work the same way as everybody else's. She pulls out a, she can see you getting frustrated, and she says, let's start with brass tacks. and she walks over to a shelf and pulls out a scroll, which she unfurls on her desk, and she kind of beckons you over off your training rug, which is, I think, something you use to, like, kennel-break dogs, so maybe there's a different word for it.

And she gestures to this parchment, and you see a map of the planet, Sylvain. And there are these lines that, like, criss-crossed the entirety of the map, almost like parallels and meridians on an earth, map, but they all connect in the middle, not in like the middle of the depicted surface of the planet, but like in the center of the planet. And she says, I cannot take your power away because it is not yours. It is the planets. Every planet, Aubrey, ours, yours, all the planets in the sky are living beings. And I don't mean that in a new age kind of way. I mean that quite literally.

it is a living, sentient being. We named our Sylvan, you named yours Earth. They likely have names far more ancient than those, but we need to call them something. And like you've figured out, magic doesn't work like it does in your stories. You don't cast fireball when you want to summon a fireball. When we use magic, we're not channeling some energy from within ourselves.

We are beseeching the planet to change itself, to meet our needs. improving your magic Aubrey making your magic safer is simply a process of learning how to ask for that power more specifically

it's to become a better conversationalist I'm trying I it's hard for me I'm not as you know I'm not a good listener

are there other types of magic besides just like the fireballs you know that I, I, can you teach me how to heal? There is no healing magic, Aubrey. Just as there is no fireball magic, there is no earthquake magic. You ask for healing and if you ask correctly and your voice is heard, the planet will heal.

You, you are thinking of this power as something that you master, these specific, channels of. It is not like that. You can do anything, Aubrey. As long as you ask for it, and as long as the planet abides. But where I struggle to teach you, Aubrey, is that that reflexive magic that you use, it is not like ours. Our magic is so much more difficult, which may be frustrating for you to hear, but there are those who train for decades, centuries, even Aubrey and can't produce any more than a candle flame. What you have done so quickly, this magic that comes a second nature to you, it is unique among any creature who has ever walked the either of our planets before you.

But why? I don't deserve it. I can't use it. I hurt people. I don't want to hurt people anymore. Then don't. She says, I don't know how to put it to you any clearer than that. I, she gestures for you to actually sit down on the chair.

She sees you like getting upset. The reason you have been hurting people, Aubrey, is because you don't understand what you are capable of. It is a kind of doubt. And I know it doesn't work like this. I don't have perhaps the best people skills. I know you can't just tell a person not to doubt anymore. But that doubt has kept you from knowing your full potential, Aubrey.

It is not allowed you to learn the difference between burning flame and a healing, warming flame. You have to lean into this power, Aubrey. If anything else, walking away is not going to do you any good. A dull knife is far, far more dangerous than a sharp one. Does any of this make sense? Yes, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm afraid. She smiles actually when you say that and she says, now that is one thing that I do understand. And she walks over to the window of this room and opens it and opens the curtain in front of it and gestures outside.

And you see the courtyard outside of the castle with that big orange crystal and the line of sylvans waiting to receive their allotment of power from it. And she gestures towards this scene and she says, what do you see when you look out there? I see a crystal that I'm not allowed to touch. She smiles. She says, that is the last hope of a people who have yet to realize that the land that they walk on is dying. It scares the hell out of me, Aubrey. There are those who believe that the centuries of assaults on our world from yours has left Sylvain weakened and unable to support the

life that clings to her surface. There are those who believe her affliction is terminal, that the planet is dying, that the corruption that lies beyond our city's gates is just one of many symptoms that accompany the sun setting of our world. Or maybe it's already dead. Maybe we're just siphoning the last bit of warmth from, and you hear someone clear their throat by the entrance to Janelle's chambers, and as you look towards it, you see the young girl who greeted you on your first visit to Sylvain, the interpreter, the sort of unofficial ruler of this land. And Janelle just bows quickly. As you can kind of tell she's embarrassed that the interpreter walked in during her, you know,

talking about the end of the world. And the interpreter says, I apologize for my intrusion, Miss Janelle. Woodbridge seeks audience with you in my chambers. He has an adjustment to our rationing that requires approval of the full council. And Janelle turns back to you. and says, Aubrey, I know you're scared. But that fear, that fear is the reason your powers are as unpredictable as they are. You need to trust yourself, Aubrey.

She actually takes your hands and she says, you're unlike anyone I've ever met. Your powers rival my own, Aubrey. And you have been doing this for approximately 15 minutes. If I had what you had, I know. I would have fixed this kingdom a long time ago. Your power is rare, and I know it is scary, but it is a beast you must tame for the sake of both of our worlds. I'll try.

And she nods and walks out of the room, and the interpreter turns back to face you and gives you a little bow, and she says, again, my sincere apologies, I wish she'd stop. coming here. It's her world's fault that Sylvain's dying in the first place. And the words you just heard did not match up to the mouth movements that she made. You get the impression that she actually asked you a question with the word she was speaking, and she is waiting on a response. I'm sorry? I said, do you need an escort? She's just as bad as the rest of them. She's just taking what

she wants with no concern for our people. Uh, askor, back to the... Is everything okay? Yes, everything's okay. I just, God, she can't even pay attention for a moment, even in the presence of royalty. Uh, and I think with that, she just kind of smiles and nods, and you get the impression that she just said by to you in some way with her mouth words, and she starts to leave. Okay, bye. And she walks out of the room.

Uh, I think you find your own way. out of the castle. And as you sort of walk through the big double doors leading out of the castle, the serenity of this entry hall is shattered by the ringing of alarm bells in the distance, off to the west, by this huge wall that surrounds the city, sort of protecting it from the darkness beyond. And suddenly, like, all of the soldiers in here in the entry hall rush out. And you see the courtyard evacuated as the guards out there also.

rush towards the sound of these bells, and the people waiting in line are scared and so frustrated that their weight has been interrupted. They clear out too. And a couple of guards like rush by you, and they say, you know, they tell you to get to safety because there is something trying to break through the wall at the edge of the city. And you are in the courtyard alone. I would like to touch the crystal now, Griffin. Why don't you act under? pressure for me. Tell me what, how, how are you touching the crystal? And like so lightly, just like, because on one hand, okay, let me explain myself. On the one hand, like Aubrey, no, she's not supposed to. And like, after the kindness, Janelle has just shown, doesn't want to like, you know,

ruin anything. But on the other hand, I think she really has it in her head that interacting with the crystal in some way is going to like, recalibrate her power or that it's some something will unlock or it's something she's supposed to. I love that. I love that. And I'm not saying that like, I love that not because like I'm saying you're correct. You've solved my crystal puzzle. But I just love the idea that Aubrey is like, if I just touch the crystal, I'll be able to do magic again. Okay. Yeah. Are you just sort of rushing up to it? Are you trying to like, are you proceeding with caution? Yes, definitely caution. And like, she's just gonna like touch it with one finger.

And as she does, she says, I'm sorry. And it touches it. So I roll the six and my act under pressure. Oh, I don't get any pluses. But I'm gonna use luck because this is very important. You are burning through that luck, no man. I've only used three. Okay.

So that bumps you up to a 12. Correct, which is you do what you set out to accomplish, which means you touch the crystal un-bothered. Okay. As you reach toward the crystal, like just as the skin of your finger makes contact with it, it pulls in your whole hand. Your whole hand is now on the surface of this crystal. Both of them are pulled to its surface almost magnetically. You feel, Aubrey, you feel like all of the moisture in your body is being pulled out through your palms.

you can't breathe because you're convinced in this moment there is nothing to breathe. You feel your consciousness like falling away from you, almost like you were just pushed down a well. And the world is getting much, much, much, much farther away. The prevailing feeling that you have right now in this moment is one of absolute certainty that you are dying as you touch this thing. and eventually you push backwards off of the crystal and you fall back away from it. And as you fall, you haven't taken any harm from this thing that just happened as you touch the crystal, which is the good news. As you fall, you land in a flower bed. It is a bed of these beautiful wild flowers, just blooms of reds and whites and yellows and dark browns.

purples, all surrounding this crystal spreading across just a huge swath of the courtyard. And they were not there a moment ago. They look beautiful. It's kind of hard to appreciate them because you do kind of feel like dog shit a little bit. And as you sit up from these flowers, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the crystal. You're sweating up a storm. You look and feel a little feverish. There's one detail that really stands out.

What color are Aubrey's eyes? They are brown. Okay. But like, you know, kind of like a pretty light. Okay. You know. Like a hazel maybe? Sure.

Is hazel brown? I have no, I have no idea. Okay. Your left eye is that color. Your right eye is now this dark orange hue with like a starburst of lighter orange just around the pupil. And you catch a glimpse of your new eye color in just this one large, smooth facet of the crystal,

and its new tint is nearly fading away in the gemstone's brilliant orange expanse. It is the following morning, and the three of you have regrouped back in the Pine Guard H.Q underneath the... underneath the amnesty lodge. Duck, what have you done with the goat man? I think the goat man has been stabilized and you sort of kept vigil throughout the night

and he seems to be okay. He had a little fever actually sort of in the early hours of the morning, but it has broken. He is still unconscious. Do you just have him sort of loose still, sort of just like out on the table? He is handcuffed. To the table. Okay. It can't be too careful.

The door to the infirmary is- is- Oh, man. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's locked. Yeah, he did it. And there's a big sign out says, says like, caution, bird flu or something.

Yeah, it says that. No says that. It says caution, bird flu. Okay, so nobody, nobody, caution, bird flu inside. I mean, it's kind of spelled out like the walking. Okay, I like that. Um, are you trying to keep this thing secret from your, from Ned and Aubrey or, uh, what's, what's like your, because I don't want to, I didn't

imagine like the infirmary being in the case. No, they can know about it. I'm just trying to keep, I don't want it to be like, I don't want to have to like discuss this with everybody in the amnesty. Okay. All right. I mean, let's have that scene of you sort of revealing your, your new friend. All right. Y'all come, come to the infirmary for a second. I want to, I want to show you something. What, and get bird flu? Yeah, it's a clever ruse. Infermary. Okay, now I get it.

Yeah. Griffin, did Aubrey's eye remain that? Oh, yeah, baby. Is that just a temporary? Oh, yeah. Okay. She's wearing sunglasses for sure. Okay.

So, you're going to feel some impulses to probably get your dander up when we go in here. I need you just keep it calm. I spent all fucking night trying to keep this thing alive. And then I opened the door to it. Oh. Yeah. A goat. Well, no, it's, I mean, you look at the legs, you can kind of see.

Yeah. It's Pan. No, we're not crossing over. There's no crossover here, sir. No. There's no, there's nothing satirical about this creature. I had to go there. Oh, well, I'm bringing you right back.

Yeah. Duck? Yeah. Who is this? I don't know. It doesn't speak English or, like, human, as near as I can figure. And I'm, well, Beacon really almost cut its head off. And you can see it kind of jacked me up pretty bad.

Uh-huh. I think I'm healing okay. Oh, yeah, you're totally fine. I'm fine. Your one harm you had is gone, but. at this point. Um, yeah, so I just, I was hoping y'all would have some ideas. About ideas about the goat man.

Yeah, like how to figure out its plan. Now that I'm saying it, it does sound pretty fucking dumb. Excuse me, Mr. Goatman. Um, could, what, hi. Yeah, I mean, we covered that no, no English or human tongues as far as I know. Are you, the Go-Man is unconscious at this moment? Are you trying to rouse it now to converse with it, Aubrey? I mean, that seems like step one.

Okay. Aubrey, it awakens. Ask him if his name is Mr. Tumnus. I won't be doing that, Ned. It awakens peacefully as you sort of rouse it, and it sits up and sees the handcuffs attached to its wrist. I think it tries to pull away just like one. and then it looks down and then kind of just stares at the three of you with just sort of obvious curiosity.

And- Hi! It just looks at you. Aubrey is staring at you. My name is Aubrey. Hello? Are you okay? It doesn't respond.

Have you tried feeding it? Yeah, I mean, it's had a fever and I thought you should feed a cold starvation? fever? I thought that was it, but I couldn't remember. Can we say them? It's like, it feels, I'm so sorry about them. Um, so, and Aubrey points to the wound. Are you feeling better? Does that hurt? It doesn't speak English. I mean, we can like... He points to, like, puts his hand on his wound and doesn't really know how to, like, respond or anything like that, but he saw you point to his wound and he reaches up and touches it and just puts his hand back down. Okay. I'm gonna try something, and Aubrey closes her eyes and says,

I would like to speak to this creature. Uh, okay, this is a, I'm guessing a used magic. What would this sort of, what category are you assuming this would fit under? Um, so there was actually, part of use magic that is speak to let me see where it is communicate with something you do not share a language with holy shit there it is fucking holy damn

I've been waiting to use that shit this whole time for five seconds no like since I saw that on there so it's a seven plus two so a nine all right you choose the effect and the glitch okay Aubrey you pick one of the following glitches

the effect is weakened the effect is of short duration. You take one harm, ignore armor, the magic draws immediate unwelcome attention, or it has a problematic side effect. Oh, see, I want to say the effect is weakened. Okay. Yeah, that's fine.

Here's what's happened. You touch the goat man. And... Touch the goat man was the name of my first studio album. It was not what received. Touch the goat man. You touch the goat man, Aubrey. and you make some magic.

And it actually does feel a little bit different than it has felt in the past. Ned and Duck, you see this faint sort of orange light just sort of pulsate out of where Aubrey touches this goat man. And the goat man sort of is a little scared of this at first and starts to pull away, but then just kind of like sits there for a bit and just sort of takes the touch.

And Aubrey, you pull your hand away, and this goat man is now still looking at the three of you. I'm Aubrey. It sort of now it's kind of scared again, because it just heard you say something. The goat man like yelps a couple of times, just bleating, just, blah. And looks at you, duck.

I think this, he's sort of looking at all of you panic, but when it's the most scared, it looks to you because you are the one who saved its life. And it definitely knows that. Aubrey, I don't mean to be judge, but it seems like your spill didn't quite take hold. And with that, the goat man stands up from the table and sort of gets yanked back by the handcuffed attached to its wrist and looks at you, duck, and he smiles. And he says Maximumfund.org Comedy and Culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported.

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