The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty — Episode 20

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

A Lunar Interlude. The Pine Guard catch their breath after a hectic, fateful hunt. Ned goes car shopping. Aubrey confesses to her misdeed. Duck meets a kindred spirit. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. And as you come to, you see a black imperial crown coop wrapped around a tree. Well, sorry, old friend. I got to run into the woods. It is a note written on the back of a Cryptonomica postcard. For my cut, not quite even yet. I'll be in touch. As you reach toward the crystal, the prevailing feeling that you have right now in this moment

is one of absolute certainty that you are dying. As you fall, you land in a flower bed. Your right eye is now this dark orange hue. Surely you saw it down in your vision, the meteor. Yeah. It was coming for me. You need to finish what I started. Go to him.

You see the face of the person holding this blade. Leo Turkesian, your neighbor and friendly local grocer, clears his throat and says, we should probably talk. Welcome back to the Adventure Zone, Amnesty, 2019 edition. It's been seven years since we recorded an episode. Is this the one where we talk about medical history? Yes.

No. This is the etiquette one, right? Yeah, you wouldn't know because we're four rude mother fudgers. Griffin. I love it. Yes, sir. Griffin, we've talked about your blue comedy before. Welcome to the blue collar comedy tour of the podcast. We're four yokels, Griffin, Justin Travis, and Bob the Cable Man.

And we're so excited to bring to you the Adventure Zone and we're going to play Monster of the Week. In this arc, four rough and rowdy comedians have been sucked through a portal and are charged with doing a battle with the forces of evil. I, of course, play Ron Tater Salad White. And I'm really excited about this role.

He's a paladin. It's great. I play Jeff Foxworthy, who is, in this universe an actual like fox, an anthropomorphic fox man. And Ron White should be known in his pallid name is Ron the White.

It's like... Ron the White. Tater salad. So you're leaving Larry the cable guy for me? You could do the guy with the signs. Bill Ingval. No, I'll be Bingval. I'll be Billing. Yeah, Engval with his signs would probably be some kind of divination class. Here's your omen.

Here's your omen. Larry the cable guy could be like a tinker class Or perhaps like a a thief or something that can work with traps Like a trapper of some sort of what about a bard named Larry the fable guy Oh that's quite great good Well okay so So we're jumping through time and portals and stuff maybe it could be cable the cable guy I like that

Okay why are we not recording this this is good stuff Real quick Ned Aubrey and Duck kill the last big monster and the world is saved. Thanks for listening to Taz Amnesty. Now it's time to move on to this great season of podcasting that we have just devised over the last three minutes. I would kill for this. Let's pick a name for it so people can get on our nervous about it.

Yeah, so it'd be F. I mean, the Adventure Zone, funny, just to keep sort of the convention. No, we're going to do a Lunar Interlude for our current arc. Just like, we haven't done the Adventure Zone zone about amnesty since we've been in it. Sort of by my guess, I think, we're probably about like halfway through it,

I want to say. This is going to be a shorter one than Taz balance. And I also like, I feel like it's getting a lot more free form than Taz balance was toward the end. I think we all tried to make this beginning of amnesty kind of more structured and, I don't know, narrative heavy like the end of balance was.

And I think that the way, way the game has sort of moved. It's been a lot more freeform. So when I say it's like halfway through, like, I have no fucking idea, but it feels like we're about there. And we're going to do like level up stuff and Heathcliff stuff. Yeah, you wanted to do the lunar interlude this time, like, based on what kind of progression you wanted, based on like what thing you chose is your level up ability, rather than like me doing like, hey, you're going on a ski trip. And then for no reason at all, you know, Duck eats some good soup and his sharp skill increases. Instead of doing that. having some sort of narrative justification for it.

So that's what we did this time. And also, there have also been like scenes that, like, I've wanted to, you know, a scene, specifically one that we're doing today, but, like, I wanted to do, but it feels weird to stop in the middle of, like, hunting a monster to be like, and now let's do this. Yeah, for sure. This works out well. Yeah, I'm really enjoying the game.

I agree that, like, the constant kind of tension of there's a monster on the loose that could kill somebody does kind of lend itself. to railroading a bit. Like Travis said, like, it's tough to be like, okay, and then you go, you know, take a pottery class while, you know, the Bander Snatch gets the eats up the kids. I didn't watch that Black Mirror episode, but I think that's what it's about.

So who wants to start? I'll leave it up to you guys. Who wants to, who is the most Randy for RPG? Let Ned go because there's somebody at my door. Okay, we're going to let Ned go first. Ned. Yes. You've told me what you're,

want your progression thing to be and what the scene is going to be. So let's hop right into it. Ned, you, this by the way, takes place in like the like couple of months between the December hunt and the next one I guess will be the February hunt. So this is sometime in that stretch of time. We don't have to all take place at the same time, but it's in there. Ned, you find yourself at Whistles Auto Shop and Trusted Used Car Dealership. It is the automotive hot spot for all of Pocohannas County, and you are standing there as a tow truck sort of loudly deposits the still mangled wreckage

of your Lincoln Continental in the lot where the shop's proprietor, Whistles, eyes it over with concern. Now, Griffin, I'm sorry, is he whistling as he eyes it over, or is his name Whistles? His name is Whistles. And this is a name that Justin said offhandedly during some duck lie.

And now he breathed life into this great character whistles, the auto dealer. Okay. And one additional question. On this auto dealership, has anyone ever been frozen in a block of ice as a publicity stunt? Yes, Clint McRoy, who is sort of a plane walker between our worlds. We have a step. That is canon, right? We've established, I am able to move from plane to plane.

Sure. That is true, yes, because he does appear also an adventure zone balance. And I was frozen in a giant block of ice at a used car dealership once. That's the reference I was making. I know, I know. So Whistles looks at like the mangled corpse of your Lincoln Continental and says, Well, Ned, you're really done it this time. How old are you, Whistles?

You sound like Gabby Hayes from the old Western movies. That's a pretty whack way to meet somebody to say. to them, but I'm a 51 years old. Wow. Yeah, no, it's hard living. Hard living here in Kepler. So, uh, what the hell did you do to this car, Ned? It looks like he's got run over by a train. Close. Close. It was the, um, the tram thing over at the ski hill. The, the... Nailed it. Got it in one. The, oh, I know the name of it. It's, uh, finikili. The finikili. The finikili. ran into my car. I'm sitting there, my own business, and this finikily jumps out and attacks my car. But it's salvageable, right? Oh, Ned, no, I mean, it would be cost prohibitive to fix this.

Ned, this thing's beyond the point of no return. This car's up in heaven now, Ned. This is Jesus' car. This is not something I can fix or any human being can fix. So I'm sorry to tell you, but no. There's some good parts in there, maybe. Maybe there's some good parts in there. And there's, you know, still some demand for these antique car components. I might be able to, you know, find a trade for you somewhere in the lot. There's an eight-track player, a great eight-track player. I'd really love to hang on to that.

Now, I can get that out for you. You're still at the flea market or something like that. And I've still got a bunch of shit in the trunk. So I need to get that out, too, right? I mean, yes, Ned, why do you even need to ask me that? That's weird. Well, I didn't know it was going to be totaled. I really thought you'd be able to work that whistle magic and fix her right up.

Magic's not real, Ned. I'm a mechanic. I use tools and stuff. I tell you, though, I don't want to leave you hanging out to dry. I'll do a trade for you. Obviously, it ain't going to be another, you know, classic continental. But we can find something on the lot worth the, at least the parts I'm going to be able to strip out of this thing. Okay.

So just to kind of play, this is how. long after the last hunt? I don't know. You tell me. You said a couple of months, right? Somewhere in between like the late December hunt and the February, which will be the next arc. Okay.

Well, here's the thing. Obviously, with the end of the last episode, he kind of feels some guilt that he hasn't been a more active team member. Okay. He has an idea of what he wants to get. And he, he's wandering around this lot. His Whistols doing that whole used car salesman hanging all over hovering. Yeah, you and Whistles, I think, hop in a few, like, different cars.

Like, like, there's an Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra that's kind of beat up. There's an old manual, Yugo. There's... Maybe an old, like, kind of rusty yellow VW bug, but it has a spark of life in it. Oh. It's Bumblebee. An all spark of life. Uh, yeah, there's, he probably like puts you in like a Lincoln town car, just like trying some stuff.

Griffin, you're gonna put Transformers in this thing? What's up? Um, I mean. Hey, I hear you guys talk about Transformers a lot. You gonna put Transformers in this motherfucker? Don't spoil the surprise ending. Oh, is that our next? We got to hunt a transformer. Well, the next one is going to be the Blue Collar Comedy Tour boys and the Transformers team up. Transformers. Generation. That's Adventure's own gasoline.

Okay, so Ned, all right. Ned spot something there on the lot. And he remembers what Victoria was telling him about fate and luck and destiny. And it's this humongous food truck, a gigantic food, the biggest food truck, Ned has ever seen. And painted on the side of it, it says, crepes by Monica. There was a lady named Monica and Kepler who was, who tried to make a go of it with the food truck business telling creps. But this is, you know, this is. Sorry, sorry.

You call them crepes? Did you just say creps dad? How much crap. It's crepes. It's crepes. It's crepes. It is for sure. It is.

Do you say crepe paper? Yes. Oh. Don't change anything other thing. No. Okay. So, so this is obviously. Monica's creeps.

A fried A fried baloney sandwich market Creeps are not going to Crapes are not going to be very popular. So Ned looks at this and has this epiphany that with just a little bit of of paint.

He could change creps by Monica into cryptonomica. Oh, that's quite good. Oh, I see. And it could be a rolling headquarters for whatever the hell the three of them are called. And like with surveillance equipment inside, some weapons, and he can roll around, they can roll around in the same.

Sam, I can tell you're a writer. Like a mobile headquarters. But at the same time, you're hiding right under their noses because it's going to look like a rolling billboard for Kripponomica, but it's really their mobile base. And is it going to, are you going to get rid of the Crapes by Monica sort of

paint job and write Krikanaka, or is that part of the... It won't take very much at all. Just a couple of little bit of paint to change creps by Monica into kryptonomica. Let me, let's resolve this. You're talking about borrowing a move from the

professional playbook. Yes. The mobility move. Yep. Yeah. So for that, you have a truck, van, or car built for monster hunting or crapery. Choose two good things and one bad thing about it. And then there's some tags. Roomy, surveillance gear, fast, stealthy, intimidating, classic medical kit, sleeping space, toolkit, concealed weapons, anonymous, armored, tough monster cage. So two of those. I'm going to go with surveillance gear and concealed weapons.

Like night vision, stuff like that. Flashlights. flashlights. I'm into that, like, radio scan. Like, you guys don't have a lot of, like, ways to... A police scanner. Yeah, yeah. I think that's a very logical choice.

And then for concealed weapons, is it, like, stuff inside, like, men in black style, you, like, press on a panel and some guns come out, or is it on the outside? I don't know how we would justify that. The outside one, I think, would be much harder. Like, if a chain gun comes out of the top in the shape of a crape, like, that is way harder to justify that. then you have secret hidden weapons inside the panels of the car. But I think you could say, like, in a food truck,

there are probably lots of cabinets and stuff, like, where you could definitely, like, store weapons so that if we were ever, like, stopped by cops or whatever, or somebody like- And had to fight them? No, that they wouldn't be like, why are you traveling with, like, eight shotguns? All right. Is that what you want, Mac? If you want a different tag.

You know what? I'll tell you what. It might make more sense for it to be something like a tool thing. You know, I don't want Ned all of a sudden to become the Terminator and have, you know, all this firepower. Well, now, hold on. What if he does, though? Yeah, toolkit is one of the things. So that can be the tag if you were.

I don't know. No, that does fit because, like, that was pretty well established with Ned that the trunk was full of stuff that he needed. Yeah. Oh, that's it. This is your bag of holding. There you go. Yeah. Yeah.

The toolkit, I think, is a way to find. finally sort of have a mechanical like justification for the fact that ned can have whatever the fuck he wants whenever he wants it okay so toolkit and surveillance gear and then bad things um loud obvious temperamental beaten up gas guzzler uncomfortable uncomfortable slow or old you have to pick one of those i think obvious because it's got cryptonomica written on the side of it yeah for sure okay that's great uh write that down somewhere if you do not mind i just Did. Because I know how to play this game.

Okay, so you're in the driver's seat there with whistles. And his name's plural, right? Yes, okay. And he says, all right, well, this one's an interesting choice, Ned. Got to warn you brakes. Don't work super good. You're going to need to start pressing that pedal pretty far in advance to where you actually want to stop.

Good to know. No AC. So if you want to get to this. thing, you know, selling enchiladas or whatever have you. It's going to get a little hot back in the kitchen. Well, we only have, you know, adventures in like the fall in the winter, so I don't think it'll be that big a problem. Well, it's good to hear about your enchilada adventures, excited for that to come up. So I'm going to head inside and start drawing up the paperwork. You go ahead and get familiar with your new ride. Thank you. Thank you so much. And he hops out of the car and you are sort of

poking around the front panel of the... Enjoy your whip. Crapes by Monica and, you know, looking around in the compartment up in the sun visor, see if there's any, you know, if anybody left any money in here, I guess. And the passenger door opens and someone hops quickly into the front seat. Look, I said I'd take it. Quit with the high pressure stuff. And he says, doing a bit of car shop.

I don't want to do a British accent anymore. This is the second time I've bailed from doing a British accent on this show. He says because he was in prison and his voice changed while he was in prison. Yeah, it happens. It happens. Hey there, Ned. It's been a bit, hasn't it? And it's, it is Boyd Moe.

Oh. I have wondered when. I don't think, have you, you've described Boyd before, right? Like, he's big, he's like built. He's like a strong dude. Have you, like, laid out any other sort of, He looks badass, I believe. He looks badass.

Yeah, so I guess he is like a fucking, he's wearing a Punisher t-shirt, I don't know what that means. I don't, I think he's, uh, um, I think he's a good-looking guy. I mean, I think he's, you know, can be very persuasive, you know, nice looking fella. Sure. I think everything about Boyd Moshe is colored in Ned's mind because he, you know, he sees Boyd as being the root of all of his problems. I've always pictured him as kind of like Jason Statham. Huh, okay.

Well, then I have to make him British again. Then you've got to go back to the British accent. You can do it, Griffin? Why does Travis get to pick what that's imaginary friend looks like? Because I'm Dad's imaginary friend. He says, hello there, Ned. It's been a bit, hasn't it? Oh, moosh.

I wondered when you were going to pop up. Where's my stuff? He is also kind of like looking around the car like you were just moments ago before he hopped in. And he says, well, that's quite a way to greet an old friend there, Ned. If you were an old friend, I'd greet you as an old friend. But actually, you're a dick who ruined my life. So let's get on with the conversation, okay? He looks at you and he's kind of like a gog for a second and then he starts laughing and he's like,

I'm sorry if I got things confused. Last time we spoke, we were in a car bit smaller than this one and it was wrapped around a tree. I'm fine, by the way. And then you left me for dead as you ran off into the woods with our loot. So you're saying that I ruined your life. That's one way to sort of frame the situation. We wouldn't have been there in the first place if it hadn't been for you. We wouldn't have been on the road driving like crazy people if it hadn't been for what you did at the house.

And you were the one behind the wheel. So don't blame me for your shitty driving. He sighs. And he just starts looking around the car and he says, Wait a minute, are you trading in your continental? I've got to say, I'm surprised. This one doesn't seem to have that Ned Shican flare that I've come to expect from you. Remember the car you wrecked before?

Now, imagine the continental wrecked in the exact same way. So you're not the only one having bad vehicular issues. He laughs and he says, oh, that's a, life has a funny way, as Alanis would say. So listen, Ned, I'm not here to further complicate your life, although I think I have every right to. Believe it or not, Ned, I've actually gone clean. I have been rehabilitated, as they say. My life of crime is behind me, save for taking your belongings.

Yeah, I was going to say, did that happen before or after you stole all my stuff? Well, some of that, I think to be fair, and I think you would admit this as well, was also mine. but I wouldn't consider that a crime. But listen, I'll give you your things back. I promise. I have no need for your trophies. I just need something from you first. Okay.

What? He's got a little messenger bag. He starts sort of rooting around in as he talks and he says, well, I've got no prospects in this country, Ned. I want to go home. But I need a little nest egg to help me get started before I go. and you're just the man to get it for me. I would do it myself, but I'm on parole, Ned.

I have to be a good boy. Oh, of course. He says, I know you're not much for art, Ned, but have you ever heard of a sculptor named Madeline Cobb? Madeline Cobb? No, not familiar. Oh, she's brilliant. She's very reclusive, and her works are worth,

quite a bit of money, particularly this one. It's called Shade Tree. And he hands you a small printout of this wooden sculpture. It looks like it's about two feet tall. And it's just this, it's intricately carved out of this, this bright, lustrous wood. It depicts this rhododendron tree, carved in breath-taking detail. And beneath it, there's a figure sort of lying and looking upward into the tree's branches. It is a lovely sculpture. And boy, it's a, Shade Tree is valued at a high six figures. I've got a fence lined up who will get me just that if I can bring it to him, which will be enough to get me a new life back across the pond.

You steal Shade Tree for me, and I'm out of your hair for good. Look, I've gone straight too. I am a very reputable dealer of antiquities. I run my own high quality museum. I am beloved in the community. If you listen closely, you can hear Dad's butt cheeks flex as he attempts violently not to imitate Griffin's accent.

He keeps wanting to veer wildly into it, but he's gripping on for dear life. It's tough. It's really tough. Blimey. It's hard. proud, gore blindly, I'm very proudy. He says, Squire!

He says, well, I appreciate that you've managed to turn your life around while I did our sentence in the clink, Ned, but I'm only asking you for one job. And frankly, it's a cakewalk. You don't even have to go that far, Ned. I've done a bit of scouting since I've been in town. And I found where Matt, lives. Get this.

She runs an inn right here in Kepler. And he hands you a small stack of photographs taken surreptitiously from behind some branches of the woods. And they are photographs of Amnesty Lodge. So, Travis, you wanted to do a scene with Janelle, where you sort of are talking to her about the... Yes. My magical guide, Janelle Mone.

Yeah, I'm okay with that head, Cam. and you sort of talk about the nature of your magic stuff, which has, I think, developed over the last arc or so. Yeah, I've really gotten good at this whole magic thing. Sometimes. Sometimes you drop a pizza hot sign on your friends. That is true. So I think you're training with Janelle.

I like the idea of, like, you all sparring. I think your training sessions have gotten a lot less, you know, you levitating rocks on Dagobah and more like, you know, full-blown wizard duels as you sort of work on your magic together. And so you're in this like large banquet hall in the castle in Sylvain. It gives you a lot more space to spar. And Janelle pulls up a paint leg and stomps on the ground and this huge chunk of stone cracks out of the floor and starts flying at you.

What do you do? dive out of the way and it's magically inspired like a wind a wind blows the stone one way as it blows me the other okay uh i like that how do you retaliate uh i would say big fireball sent towards her head uh classic uh roll i see you in roll 20 here why don't you roll plus roll plus weird and if you really hard face this one. This may be the end of Janelle, which would be a tragedy. Oh, it's an eight. Well, plus weird, that's a 10. Okay. Yeah, out of 10 you throw a fireball at her and she tries to do like the same maneuver you just said. She tries to

raise up this wall of water to actually just like sizzle out the the fireball effortlessly, but it actually like the force of your fireball knocks her backwards and she falls to the ground and she looks at you and she looks very impressed and your Do you okay? She laughs and she says, you will need to try a little bit harder if you wanted to really hurt me, Aubrey, but yes, I'm more than okay.

I'm, I am proud. You have come so far since we first met. It is fascinating to me, both from, you know, an arcane studies perspective and also as, you know, a friend. I am excited for you, Aubrey.

And we are, friends, aren't we, Janelle? I do. That's nice to hear. Um, and friends, friends talk about things, don't they? They share things. They don't judge each other. Uh, is this like a relationship thing? Because I would not be great at, okay. I'm fine with that. Um, I need, um, I need to talk to you, and, um, you're gonna be mad. Okay, uh, she pulls up a, a chair. She actually, like, fixes, she casts a spell and, like, fixes the table in the banquet hall, which, like, almost certainly got exploded during your duel and pulls up one of the chairs as it sort of, like, reforms beneath her. And she sits down and says, I'm listening.

Okay. If I tell you that you have, if I tell you this, I need you to promise that you're not going to, like, don't react. Aubrey, you, this is not a great way to tell somebody something. No, I know that, but I don't want you. to like get really mad and yell or anything. You have my word. Hmm. How to let, how about I step backwards into this and ask this question.

Has anyone from my side of the gate ever touched that crystal out there, hypothetically? Uh, that is hard to say, Aubrey. Obviously, um, we were under centuries of assault from... And Aubrey takes off her. sunglasses. I don't think she knows what that means. I get the, I get the, like, gesture here, but I definitely, I don't think she's seen, like, the multicolored eyes. And she's just, like, talking and not paying attention. She's like, uh, the crystal was shattered and Sylvain, uh, left us, uh, in some capacity. And Aubrey just kind of starts pointing to her orange eyeball.

And she looks up at you and says, oh, goodness, Aubrey. Yeah. So I touched it. That's one, I guess. That's bullet point one. She doesn't look like angry or disappointed. She looks like she's, like, instantly, like her instant reflexive reaction is like, it looks like she's like trying to solve a math problem in her head. Like she is trying to like work something out as you fess up. And when I touched it, did you, I don't know if you noticed the little kind of impromptu garden

that sprung up around the crystal. Did you maybe notice that in the last month? She stops her like calculation and looks up at you and just wordlessly nods. So like bullet point two, I touched it. I felt like I was dying. Like it was like flobying all of the power out of me. Oh, I pull hand off. Whoa!

And then there's flowers. Orange eyeball. And, yeah. So is that what you all feel when you touch the crystal? She has, like, long since gone back to, like, her calculation. And then she, like, suddenly, like, stands up with a start. And she, like, looks around the room to make sure that it's just the two of you in there. And she says, you need to come with me right now, Aubrey.

Oh, am I in trouble? She's already, like, walking towards the door. Okay. And she leads you out of the banquet hall and down this long hallway past a couple sort of detachments of guards. And she takes you into this large chamber that looking at the opposite wall from the one you entered from, you can tell is actually behind the Royal Hall where you first met the ministers of this world during your first trip to this place. You see like the three columns that they climb up on to hold court. And in the center of this room, there is, you know, there's marble floor. And right in the center of it is a crest depicting this large orange crystal in front of the castle. And as you and Janelle step on it, she waves her hand and this circular crest lights up and then starts descending into the ground. And then you're just riding this platform downward. And very quickly, like, you enter into this massive, massive chamber.

It honestly looks like sort of where Heathcliff lives. Like you cannot even perceive the true scope of this chamber. It is so massive. And right in front of you, as you descend, you can see the heart of Sylvain. It is a huge crystal.

It looks similar to the one that you see on the surface and like the courtyard in front of the castle. And in fact, you can actually tell that this crystal is postage is poking up through the ceiling of this chamber and sort of iceberg-like is sort of poking up into that courtyard

and that's where people sort of interact with it, but it's so huge. It stretches below the surface, below your feet into just pitch black that you can't even see the bottom of it. And this platform lowers down to this sort of curved observation deck as it stops there, and you can just see this awe-inspiring gigantic crystal.

It's not the radiant orange gem depicted on the crest. It's nearly colorless. There's just a hint of orange, just getting drowned out by this cloudy gray, but it is still, like, awe-inspiring. So you get on this observation deck that kind of curves around this chamber. And to the right, always, you can actually see a familiar face. You see Alexandra, the young interpreter whose thoughts you apparently read a couple episodes ago. She's sitting, cross-legged on a cushion, facing the crystal, her eyes are closed. And Janelle kind of puts a finger to her lips and gestures you away from her.

so it's not to disturb her. And she takes you to another part of the observation deck and is sort of leaning on a railing overlooking the crystal. And she says, so this is, this is Sylvain. This is what it really looks like. You're the first, as far as I know, you're the first human to ever see this. Well, thank you.

So am I in trouble? Let's get back to this in trouble thing. It's hard to say, Aubrey. You're not in trouble with me, but you are very much in danger. Well, that's not better. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Aubrey. There are things you need to understand before you can understand the shape of that danger. This is Sylvain.

This is the heart of her. This is the thing that sustains all life on this planet. It is the source of all magic that we know of. It was the source of those things, I should say. Sylvain, the entity inside of it, the entity that sustain this world is gone now. And as a result, this planet cannot sustain us. The corruption beyond our city's walls, the same corruption that inhabits your Pined Guard chronicler, it is a reaction to Sylvain's disappearance. We call it the quell. It is not a malevolent force, Aubrey. It is doing what it thinks it needs

to do to salvage the planet. It is killing us before we can kill it. Where did Sylvain go? Nobody's quite sure. She disappeared when we were attacked some centuries ago by humans from your world who found a portal and crossed over and shattered the crystal on the surface. They took shards of it home as souvenirs Aubrey. I'm still quite sore about it, but some people think that Sylvan is dead. Some people think that she is just weakened because of the damage done to her heart. nobody is quite sure, Aubrey, but as a result, the planet is weakened.

And yet you are telling me that it seemed to respond to your human touch. Yes, I would say respond might be downplaying it since I almost died from being, I don't know, attached to it or whatever. It felt like dying, that's hard to say, because that's like saying, you know, I had a panic attack and I almost died. It felt like it, but I have no, I... Yes, okay, so yes, I touched it, it responded. Short answer, yes. And you breathed life into the ground beneath your feet. Okay.

Our world has not long to live, Aubrey, a year, maybe more, before the quell... A dip! Yeah, before the quell overwhelms us, before Sylvain's light fades for good. And there are those among us who... would absolutely destroy your world if it meant saving our own. There are those among your people who would try to destroy our world if they recognize that threat. Don't you see, Aubrey, the tether that connects our worlds, it is built to lead to the death and destruction of both of our people if things escalate beyond our control. If people here in Sylvain, Aubrey,

find out that humans who touch the crystal will have their life drained from them to bring our planet back to life? That is not a secret that I would prefer to get out there, Aubrey. You can't say anything like that out loud here ever again. Do you understand me? Yes, but also maybe we could work out like an exchange. We're like the humans who come over, we touch it for five seconds, and then your people touch it for five seconds, and we find a balance like a blood bank. You know, we come, we donate, then you all could take what you need.

You know your people better than I do, but does that sound realistically like something that they would agree to? On mass. No, no, on mass, no. Aubrey, I will teach you what I can about your powers, about what I understand of them, But your meddling in our world's affairs may very well be the catalyst for all-out war between our realms.

Ah. You are a brave woman, Aubrey. I've become very fond of you these past months, but this is not your world to save. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your gymnastics coach. And I want to see you pull those legs in a bit more when you're doing. The Big Flip during the big gymnastics game this weekend. Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone. This is episode 20 of Amnesty, which is kind of wild.

And I hope you are enjoying it. I know there's a lot of people who sort of enjoy the more mechanical discussions, which is sort of what this episode is all about, before we start the new hunt with the next episode. Thanks for being patient during our time off over the holidays. We very much needed it. And we are ready and raring to go on all our podcast fronts. But before I get to the rest of the episode, let us, please let us talk about some of our sponsors.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the episode. We'll be back in two weeks with the next installment of the Adventure Zone Amnesty. So we'll see you real soon. Duck. Oh, I should say, I took plus one weird. Oh, yeah. I should mention. Yes, that is a good way of finishing that.

I got better at magic through training, plus one weird. Yeah, for sure. All right, Duck. Yep. You messaged me like 45 minutes ago or 45 minutes before we started recording. There's no need to make it seem like a spur of the moment decision.

You said I can't wait to level up my wizard. And I had to be like, oh, dog. Oh, no. Oh, no. You wanted to do a scene with Leo, which I think is, of course, kind of the scene that we have to do because it would be wild if he was like, by the way, I got powers too. And then you're like mini golfing with your friend Jeff.

I do, though. It feels weird for it to be the same time lapse as like you talked about with that. No, no, it can be that night. I'm saying anywhere in that two months. I mean, that's a scene that you need to see. Yeah. Where is it happening? I want to do.

Yeah, he's standing like at your doorstep when he like had the sword. you realize that Minerva was apparently speaking to him. And yeah, where do you want to do this scene? Like, are we picking up literally right then? Or are you in one of your places? We cut to inside the apartment. Yours or his? Because your neighbors.

Okay. And I'm lying on the floor of the bathroom. Okay. Just like, yes. All right. And that is where the scene is happening. And he's sitting on the, toilet, I guess, on top of the lid?

He's standing in the doorway. Okay. He's standing in the doorway to the bathroom, not sitting on the toilet. Thank you, Justin. That would have been a weird sort of feel for the season. Yeah, it would have been a weird sort of feel. He says, do you got any, like, uh, Peptobismol or something? Do you need, like, a ginger ale?

No, just, all right. All right. I know. You've done it three times. Just one more time for me, because I'm going to get it this time. Start at the beginning. I was also chosen there for a bit until you were chosen. Before the gate opened up in the woods here in Kepler, there was one up in Manhattan.

Old 91st Street station has been shut down for like half a century or something. Gate open there, monsters started to come out. Minerva showed up in my dreams, like I'm sure she did for you, popped up in that weird, like spectral form. I thought she was like a slimer or something. Yeah. Was that your first inclination? I've never had anybody to talk to about this, but I thought it was a slimer. I thought I was high because I was in high school and I had, yeah, I thought I was high.

Well, anyway, she taught me the ropes. She, you know, gave me the powers and I, you know, protected New York City from otherworldly threats there for like 19 years or something. and, you know, got older, my body stopped being quite as sprightly, and then my gate disappeared. And next thing I know, Minerva told me that she's chosen someone new and my shift was over. So I had to get to Kepler where the gate was now and deliver the new chosen one a blade. And, you know, keep watch over him as he learns the craft. So that's what I've been doing. So why didn't you...

do that. What do you mean? I mean, I've been figuring all this stuff out by myself. Like, if you were just to come here and watch over me and help me and be all, you know, Mr. Miyagi and shit, where have you been? I just had to watch you, Doc, and make sure that nothing, you know, seriously bad happened to you. Minerva was explicitly clear that I wasn't supposed to spill the beans. I think she, frankly, duck, I don't think. she wanted you to know there was other chosen people out there i can i can understand her concern you

you know not feeling as special and what have you and you know also understanding that this job it doesn't just end it ends when you end uh most of the time uh it's it's complicated duck but she she had a plan and and i was there every step of the way making sure you you know never got snuffed out can you has there been any specific times you can point to where my bacon was preserved by you or has it just been kind of an overall guiding light sort of deal? Sort of like, yeah, a guiding light. I'm not, you know, a helicopter parent or anything like that. Yeah, you've been doing great.

So anyway, yeah, I didn't think we would ever get to have this conversation until a few minutes ago when she, I guess is, I guess she's just gone now, Doc. I understand that this is quite a shock to you, but I need you to understand. This was, you know, my friend for, you know, 30-some-odd years or something. So I'm also kind of trying to process some stuff right now. And I think now he does go sit on the toilet. Fuck you guys.

And he's needs to buckle and now he's sitting on the junks. So do you have, like, powers too? I mean, not as strong as it used to be. I haven't been doing much monster hunting these days, but let me see. And I think he like tries to rip the toilet up out of the ground. And he's like, wait a minute, I shouldn't be doing this in the first place. I don't know, a duck. I think I still got powers, but honestly, since Minerva disappeared, I pick up a roll of toilet paper and I check it at his head.

It hits him. Like it just absolutely hits him in the head. Yeah, yeah, man. Hey, yeah. Me too. Wait, hold on. You're telling me that your powers are... Punch me in the stomach.

He stands you up and he's like, are you sure they're duck? Punch me in the stomach, come on. Do you want me to roll for this or just am I just going to get you? I think if you want the punch, he's going to punch you. Yeah, just punch me. You don't need to roll for it. He is... You know, the humble, friendly local grocer who's, I forget what age range I put him in, but he's up there and you don't expect a lot, but he punches you with surprising force,

right in the gut. I vomit into the tub. See? You see? Do you see? It's gone, man. That's the game. Can we go in the kitchen and finish this conversation or something?

It's yucky in here. Yeah. Jump cut to the kitchen. Yeah, it's fine. I could use some granola or something. He says, all right, let's not panic of nothing. I mean, this makes sense. All the powers that we had, technically we were just borrowing from Minerva, after all.

Her people, I don't know how much she told you about her people. They got some sort of psychic thing where they can share their combat prowess with whomever they choose, as long as they get like a line of communication open with them. and I guess it's gone now. For you and me, Duck, that line of communication. And this next part, it's going to sound a lot scarier than it actually is. So, you know, batten down the hatches. Minerva was talking to us through like a wormhole, duck,

that we, a little, barely there, even little wormhole that was sort of inside our brains. I guess now that she's gone, the, the phone line's been disconnected, please try later, you know? Leo, I mean, this is a lot to take in. I mean, holistically speaking, a lot. I mean, finding out that you were chosen, I mean, overall, it makes me feel a little less special, honestly.

See, that's exactly why. If a bunch of people are being chosen, it's like, it's less chosen and more like, I don't know, pressured into it pretty well. Well, this thing, this tether between our world and the other one, the one that the monsters keep coming through, that's, that ain't something new. That's been happening on Earth for, I don't know, man, centuries, millennia. It's been here a while, and there have been people protecting it for quite some time.

You know that Minerva's planet had the same deal, right? same sort of connection with another planet and they killed each other off Minerva was an only survivor she told you that bit Yeah, she told me the part where she was the one Who did the killing too Yeah, she did And I think that

She found us Because she Wanted to redeem herself in some way To make sure that Some other planet Having the same sort of situation Didn't settle things the same way I think she was trying to make things right

And now I guess it's just up to us now, Duck. I guess it's just on you and me. I got a couple decades on you, so when I'm gone, it's just going to be you. You're going to be the last one to ever be chosen. And, you know, no pressure, buddy. But if you can't find a way to stop those monsters from terrorizing our planet,

ain't nobody going to stop it. Yeah, well, let's hear some of the skills that I'm bringing to the table currently. made of flesh very vulnerable to bullets and knives and fangs and acid and poison so those are pretty much my only weaknesses

I don't know if I mentioned fire and blunt trauma and drowning and bullets but those are my weaknesses strengths include a large reservoir of botanical information pretty good at Tony Hawk Pro Skater too

Less good at three I dropped off at three That is I played the trombone for two years I don't know if that's even going to be Helpful or not But that's what I got Leo I mean that's what I'm bringing to the table

Currently He says Well I mean I know that you Your superhuman reflexes Some of your powers are gone Doc but I wouldn't say that you You know completely powerless.

And he like really quickly reaches over and he grabs beacon, who kind of responds to his touch and uncoils and he throws beacon over towards you. I think act under pressure with your new stats, which we'll talk about here in a second. Okay. I can roll up for you if you don't have. Yeah, if you don't mind. I wasn't logged into the... Oh, that's a 10.

Hey, great. Plus, what's your cool? Uh, one. Okay, so that's 11. Yeah, you catch it. Like you, you, you, you catch the sword. I like the idea of Leo just coming at you with his broadsword, just to like kind of shock you into heroism. Uh, he starts running in your direction with the, uh, the broadsword sort of plunging towards you.

What do you do? Uh, I, I throw beacon back at him still coiled and go into a fetal position. Okay, you grab beacon and it immediately coils up in your hand and you drop to the floor and Leo stabs through the rear wall of your apartment. It just goes, it cuts through, his broadsword cuts through like the plaster. He like stabs through the drywall. Yeah, it stabs through the drywall and you actually like can see it through your kitchen window now just like peeking out of the side of your house. and he looks down at you and he says, Okay, we're fucked.

Why don't we talk real quick, Justin, because yours is probably the most drastic thing we've ever done, mechanics-wise, in the game. Because you messaged me and had an idea for like a power you wanted to take, and then I suggested something a little bit more dramatic. Yeah, so I am no longer the chosen. I am now Duck the Mundane.

So, yes, new playbook. the mundane and the powers here are so, so, so. Can you, like, read off some of the moves that give it some of that good mundane flavor? I'll go, I'll give you the ones that I have chosen because these are the ones will be relevant. Okay, yeah, you get to pick three. And I've added one because I went ahead and took my upgrade levels because I didn't feel like I am. Yeah, go ahead and take three levels up, yeah. Yeah.

So I have always the victim. When another hunter uses protect someone to protect you, they mark experience. whenever a monster captures me, I mark experience. It's so good. It's like a way of rewarding you for playing the like, you know,

powerless best friend archetype. Power of heart. When fighting a monster, if I help someone, you don't roll plus cool, you automatically help as though you rolled a 10. That is an incredibly powerful thing. Trust me.

When you tell a normal person, the truth, in order to protect them from danger, Roll plus charm. On a 10 plus, they do what you say, what you say they should, no questions ask. On a 7 to 9, they do it, but the keeper chooses they ask a hard question first,

stall and dither for a while, or have a better idea, quote, better idea. And on a miss, I get to screw you over, obviously. The last one I've chosen is, don't worry, I'll check it out. Whenever you go off by yourself to check out somewhere scary, Mark experience. So this class is all about like putting yourself in danger and having to be rescued.

I also really like that power of heart move because it's like you are now, you're, you know, the most human one of the group. And so you're able to talk to people and, you know, commiserate. Yes, of course. Obviously, I have readjusted beacon stats. The mundane can get a golf club, basically. baseball bat, cricket bat, or a hockey stick. So I've readjusted Beacon stats to be in line with those.

I don't, I don't hate you still having the same. Like, I don't think Beacon would get weaker with you. I don't actually like that. Well, Beacon has also been damaged. So I figured that's who are, are, you know, we're both damaged goods at this point. Shit. Yeah. So he is too harm,

to harm innocuous and messy are the current, like, tags on that. And also the one upgrade. is that I have a means of transport. Yes, now how do we? So I can no longer run everywhere without getting tired.

So upon realizing this, dug back into his closet and dug out his skateboard. Yes. Yes, please. Yes, so you've got a busted sword, you've got a skateboard, and you still do have a jet pack,

so that can be a fun guy. I'm pretty sure it... It came back to you. It came back to you at the end of the last arc. Remember it's Save Ned. It came back in Save Ned's life. Okay, that's fantastic. So anyway, I'm just a regular person now.

It's not like a secret. With a skateboard. And a jet pack. Yeah. Here's a spoiler for you guys. I no longer have the ability to shrug off all damage. If I'm going to use a jet pack, I'm going to be in the next state. I'm going to have to like active at that shit via Wi-Fi.

No way. That's great. Okay, so the last thing we need to do is the Heathcliff stuff, where you all managed to get all three of the items on his list. Which were, remind us again? A Sears Spectacles, a Lawkeeper badge or something like that, and the victorious seed, which you got from defeating the big tree at the end of the last art. So you got all three.

Well done. and y'all are uh the three of you are now together in the chasm beneath the sylvain you are in the the realm of the enchanter uh and that is still the most d and d's more d and d and i did when we were playing d and d uh you're in the the enchanted realm of the enchanter heathcliff the big cat uh and and there's enchantment in the air there is you can feel it and everyone's chanting And there's Heathcliff suddenly. Jump cut. Heathcliff is there.

We're starting in Media Res. You've been there, and now there's Heathcliff. And he says, I can sense the presence of a few valuables, a few precious items that I requested. Yum, yum, give me some. And he extends his huge paw down to the platform where you are standing in front of him. I put the items on his very large Toby. Oh, yeah. And he retrieves them.

And he says, he actually just like outstretches his toe beans and lets them fall down into the chasm below to land in, I don't know, some sort of mysterious pot? Who knows what he's got going on in there? Who can even say? It's a big Scrooge McDuck swimming pool full of artifacts. That's probably what it is. And Heathcliff says, okay, deal is a deal. what's it going to be? An enchantment?

Summining a new item. You all know the score. You might not. It's been like nine months. Yeah. I definitely remember. But maybe the folks at home don't, Griffin. Yeah, let's recap for their benefit.

Because we know, we remember. Absolutely. This is a mechanic that I sort of hacked into the game to sort of keep some of that like D&D magic item feel going called acquisition, where you roll 2D6. plus the number of items you recovered for Heathcliff, and you can either enchant an item you have now and try to get like another tag added to it

or summon a new item altogether. So for example, in the last time you guys did this, Aubrey enchanted her vest to get one armor, the one armor tag added to it and rolled successfully. And so that was successfully added to the armor. Do ducks summoned a jet pack? That's how he used his, his role. So, uh, really, really, really open-ended system. It is fully up to you guys. I will now drop,

oh, uh, I will drop the gear tags into Slack. There's the list of tags. It is quite long. Some of them are good. Some of them are bad. Uh, okay. Aubrey, you rolled a 20. Well, no, you rolled basically. You rolled a, holy shit. You did roll 6-6. You rolled a nat 12 plus 3. So 15. I got 15. I want, I'm looking for what would justify this. I want a knife that I can control. You want a magic fucking the phantom knife? Yes.

The shadow. What was it the shadow? Damn it, you're right. Hmm. Or maybe just like a throwing night. I want some kind of weapon that I can use. Because right now I got to magic and that's great. Right.

Don't get me wrong. Super great. We need to make sure dad hasn't been kicked off the call because Travis mentioned the shadow and dad didn't smash into the conversation in Kool-Aid man style. Who knows? What evil?

See, there it is. It wasn't cut out. It's like a five-minute delay, apparently, on the call. Yeah, Trave, I think we can, I mean, we can do whatever the fuck. I'm just trying to figure out a way to make it work. The, you get a, oh, that's right, So you'll get a positive and a negative tag for it.

So I think the idea of you of having a knife that you are like bonded with, I don't necessarily know that this is like your magic magic. Like I think the knife is magic, but like all of your magic so far has been very elemental. Unless it's like you are using the wind to blow this knife around in a cool. I want this to be like a magic sylvain knife.

Yeah. For sure. I don't want it. I do want it to be like something that I have to like guide that I am responsible for. Heathcliff says, Oh, that's a breeze. Are you kidding? Magic knife? Oh, he yawns. Oh, no, I don't think I can do a magic knife.

And he ducks down into the chasm and you hear a loud sound and a flash of light and a whoosh as he rises back up and extends his cat paw towards you and hands you the magic knife. What's it look like before he figure out its tags? I'm going to say it's very much like a Scottish dirk, like a small one. so there's not like a, it doesn't have like a big cross. Oh, I'm so mad at myself that I can't remember what that is. A guard? Yeah, it doesn't have like a big guard or anything.

It's just like straight blade to handle. Oh, I see, I see, I see. Yeah, there's basically no guard at all. It's just like a handle and then a blade coming out of it. Okay, I'm into that. And it does have, not a scabbard, but a sheath that one of my key. perhaps on a belt or in a boot. It's basically like a throwing knife, you know?

Yeah, I feel it. That's good. Yeah, that comes out of it. And it, I think, flies towards you, like it knows what's up and sort of stops as it gets close to you and rotates itself to put its handle in your direction. And I grab it. Nothing else happens. And maybe squeal a little bit.

Okay. Super cool. So I think it's going to have the FAR tag. Fart. I love that. I think, and I'm trying to decide if, like, that's the positive tag here,

if that's kind of like a freebie that kind of determined. I think that's a freebie that, like, determines its range. So what's the other, what's the other gear tag that's good here? And I mean, magic?

Yeah, sure, magic. So it can affect certain creatures and armors that are proof against normal weapons. Yeah, that's good. Uh, the negative here will be, I mean, it's a knife that flies around through the air that you do not really understand how it does that.

And so because you don't really understand that, I think there's not a 100% guarantee it's going to do what you want all the time and it is a magic flying knife. I think volatile, this weapon is dangerous and unstable, is a pretty good one. Yep. Concord.

All right. Ned, Duck, what are you feeling? What do you want? I'll let in your first. Okay. What do you say? Six plus three. It's a nine.

Okay, are you trying to summon something or enchant something? I think Ned wants to enchant the Nerf blaster, 3,000 or 5,000? Well, how much are you enchanting it? Yeah, we can add power to it. It's 5,000. Is that right? I like the idea of it being even more powerful,

but I also like the idea of enchanting it with life drain which transfers life energy. The wielder is healed for as many points of harm as were inflicted. Okay. Which sounds, you know, egotistical enough to still qualify as being Ned. And yet, you know, kind of kicks up his attack power. Yeah, I like that. I think, I like that a lot.

I want this to happen very badly. the rule I wrote in when I was writing this is that each piece of gear can only be enchanted one time. So I think the enchantment you got last time was magic and so you could shoot a ghost with it essentially. I think you can definitely do this but maybe it replaces magic,

which like magic only lets you hit ghosts, basically. Magic is the tag that lets you kill things. So like swapping out magic for life drain. Okay, yeah. So yeah, I want to him, I hold out, Ned holds out the Nerf Blaster, let's say 5,000. Okay. The Nerf Blaster 5,000 and tells him, I would like this to not only hurt other people, but help me.

What do you got, Big Cat? Hmm. He takes a look at it and he says, didn't I already do this one? Yeah. Yeah. What, you got rules? I think I know what you're getting at. Hold on one second.

and he dives down into the abyss and this time he comes back up and he is holding like this yellow orb as well as your your blaster and now the yellow orb starts like floating in the air and he waves his hand over the uh over the Nerf blaster and you see this like purple light come out of it which he then sort of like forms into a ball and then drops down into the abyss and he grabs the yellow ball out of the air and pushes it into the blaster uh and then he hands it back down to you and he says, why don't you, why don't you give that baby a blast? Just pointing at the wall for Christ's sake, but why don't you give that a shot? Alrighty. Oh, I don't have to pump it or anything.

I just pointed here and pull the trigger. A, I think the way that it does the life drain, I think it's a beam now. I think it's a full-blown, like, Gross Busters Proton pack that, like, whips across the wall, leaving, like, a scorch mark as it goes. And I feel awesome.

Uh, okay. And duck. Yes. Have you waited till last because you don't know what you want and we're going to get you another jet? No. Okay, what do you got? Uh, Garfield?

Um, I don't know who that is. And I wish, yeah. Yeah. Fuck me. Good try. I was getting convinced, confused. Um, so I roll first and then I decide what I want to do with it. Um, yeah, that hasn't been the rules, but it's,

That's what Travis and dad did, so I think if you- That's like a weird thing to do. I'm not gonna do that. Okay, what do you want from the list? I need a helmet. I need a helmet. Like a- I don't want, listen. A football helmet or a medieval?

Like a good, like a, like, you know how sometimes you put helmets on people who are going into dangerous situations because they're just regular ass people, and and not like superheroes, I need a helmet. I need a helmet. Okay, just a regular old helmet or do you wanna- Like a good helmet, you dumb cat, a helmet. He looks kinda- Don't fuck around with me, I'm not stoked to be asking,

I need a helmet, all right? I need a helmet. Um, okay, he looks pissed off, he's like, let me see- Shut up, hey! Let me see what I do. Pipe down. All right. Yuck it up.

I'm glad you are still fucking X-Men. I'm just a regular dip shit, and I need a fucking helmet. He says... I'm sorry, Kat. I need a helmet. Yeah, I get that. Any sort of design considerations or... I might be wasting this not getting a tombstone now that I think about it.

Dism shit is expensive. Can you give me a hologram tombstone? Nah, all right, you know what? That's thinking thinking. I'll start with a helmet. He dives down. Viking! He dives down.

No, like, cool. He dives down into the abyss and it takes a while down there. And you see like a few flashes of light and he comes back up and I think he's got like five or six different helmet designs. And he's like, you seem like you're having maybe a bit of a bit of a week. So I thought maybe. Maybe you could pick your favorite. Maybe you could have some fun with that. And there's like a, you know, like a motorcycle helmet.

There's a Viking helmet for sure. There's like a Knights full helm with the like guard in front of it. There's like a sort of a modern combat helmet with like some, you know, like the netting wrapped around it. I think he offers you a few different helmet designs. Give me the one that looks like a skateboard helmet. God, at least I can wear that to work. Because I'm skateboarding to work, by the way. So you can't run without getting tired anymore?

I can't run like eight miles without getting tired anymore. To be fair, Ned, you can't do that either. Yeah, Ned, you can't run eight blocks. Shut up. Got him. Ned. Fine, okay. I don't want to leave it until the next adventure with that negative, with that poop.

No, it's a poopoo argument. No, I don't want this beef lingering in the air. But maybe it's going to. See you next time, folks. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

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Farm-raised, snow leopard. Download it today. That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from maximum fun.org. Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest of the show. Genre film fans, hear me, I know you're out there. Do not be ashamed of your love for gore, action, sci-fi or fantasy, it's time to come out of the shadows. Because on Switchblade Sisters, we celebrate our love for genre films. I'm film critic April Wolf. Each week, I have a conversation with a different

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