The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 21

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

A new threat to Kepler, West Virginia makes itself known — both to the Pine Guard, and to a group less patient with its wanton destruction. Duck plays detective. Aubrey does some counseling. Ned gets seen. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

A clear and starry sky shines over the salt-scattered parking lot outside of the Little Dipper, Kepler's requisite dive bar and late-night grill. This establishment once catered to the scientists of the Green Bank Telescope, who sought leisure after a long shift of watching the heavens. Today, it plays home to a far-seater-seater-cliantle, a group that favors its own name for the bar, the Hornets Nest. A trio bearing the Hornet insignia stands watch over the entrance to the bar, harshly critiquing one another's motorbikes while catching a smoke in the chill February air.

One Hornet, the largest among them, tells a joke too foul and convoluted to repeat. His smaller subordinate bellows out a hearty laugh. The third, though, is distracted by a figure approaching them from across the parking lot. This Hornet boss, known as Hollis, is transfixed as the figure enters the bar, their footsteps crunching through the half-melted slurry that forms a moat around the front door. It is 1.17 a.m. Their associate's uproarious laughter fades into the background. A silence floods Hollis's mind. Their face goes hot and numb. Their heartbeat, loud, and erratic. They are not startled by the screams coming from within the bar. In some way, they expected them. A bloody body smashes through the window beside them toppling over the parked bikes outside. Hollis charges against the tide of fleeing patrons. Their lieutenant, Keith, lay. unconscious and trampled on the floor. Above him, the figure stands victoriously on a shuffleboard table. Vissera pours through its gnashed, smiling teeth. In its hand, its claw, maybe, the figure holds a

hornet too mangled to recognize. Hollis reaches above the bar and grabs a baseball bat. It is 1.20 a.m. Hollis's bike weaves through the trees of the Monongahela forest in pursuit of the figure. Even on foot, this being outpaces them. The bike skids to a halt as Hollis reaches a clearing in the woods, a large, circular gap among the blanket of pines. They scan the perimeter, they catch their breath. They turn on a dime and depart in the other direction, fast away from an invisible doorway to a far-flung world.

Hey, welcome back to the Adventure Zone Amnesty, your number one source for news about amnesty. the whole idea of it. People are forgiven a lot of people all over the world these days. Are they? Not especially super very much. Doesn't seem to be the case.

Griffin, I have a big important announcement. Okay. I've been thinking about it for almost two weeks now and I've picked a name for the flying dagger that I got in the last episode. Oh yeah, the trades traff have been sort of a buzzing about your dagger.

I know. I know, listen, and I'm ready. Big reveal. I've nicknamed it. snitch. Okay. Snitch. Because it zooms around like a golden snitch.

I should say that's not a name Travis would pick for it. That's the name Aubrey would pick for it. Gotcha. I expect more from her than I do from Travis. It's not spelled like that. It's spelled differently. For ins. Snitch.

Snitch. There's a Y and an A in there. I have an announcement as well. I think in the interest of us working together and just having a good family relationship and a show, we put the whole crepes, crapes controversy behind us. Yeah, the trades have been buzzing about this one too. Yeah, because I was extremely right, and you guys were harsh and mean. Oh, I see. And I'm, and I think we need to put that all behind us and not even, not even mention it again. See, I saw, I saw one trade and the headline was Clint

McRoy, colon, old brain? And I thought that that was mean. I think. Okay, so we know what Aubrey has kind of been doing since the lunar interlude. I don't want us to do a whole lot of individual scenes, because that's basically what the lunar interlude is for. But I think there's some things that we need to like firm up before we get into the next hunt. Like, for instance, like, I want to know what Billy's living situation has been. I know he was sort of rooming at the cryptonomica. I didn't know if that was a permanent solution.

I don't know if Duck or Ned gets custody of, of Billy, your, uh, your goat friend. Okay. Not it. I, I think he's made a home. I think, I think, um, I think he kind of fits in. I mean, in his Ryan Gosling face, because, you know, Neil Armstrong, did we go to the moon? No, not really. The whole, uh, astronaut outer space kind of thing. But what is that? Hold on. What are you talking? Is his dad talking or like conspiracy theorist, Ned Chican? What is going on? Because I hope this isn't the big reveal that our dad, Clint McRoy, who we've known for many years, doesn't believe in the moon flat-earther. I actually am the only one of us who watched it on television, and it was very bad special effects.

I mean, it did not look real. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't know about all these days. Okay, so. We're going to get some letters. Dad's a flat earther. What the fuck is Billy up to, though? The OG question.

I think he's just wandering around the cryptonomica. and every so often somebody will come in and he'll offer him pizza. Okay, I have a question for you. Does he eat trash? I mean, pizza's not good for you, Justin. Is that what you mean? You know that's not. Are we leaning into the cliche?

Are we, you know, eating a cliche of a goat man that looks like Ryan Gosling and eats trash? I guess that's not very cliched at all, is it? No, this is a vibrant, rich world. He eats food adjacent trash. I don't think he, I don't think he's, he, any RC cola cans. But banana peel? Yeah, I'll fuck with that.

Some shoelaces. That's basically cloth spaghetti. Has he learned any more language, do you think? Absolutely not. I feel like I can put my foot down on that one. It's not about I magically gave him the ability to say like six words. But only kind of good, yes. Aubrey, what is life at like Amnesty Lodgeman?

Any updates? I feel like in the last arc especially, we didn't spend a whole lot of time. There we spent a lot of time in the basement sort of talking to spooky thacker, but I would say it's it's the kind of thing where like everybody is both because it's like the post holidays, you know, still very gray and cold, but there's not like a big celebrationy thing to look forward to. Plus like how much shit has been going on and just also kind of a vibe. I think everybody's on edge.

everybody's a little tense but if you ask them like what's wrong they couldn't exactly put their finger on it there's just kind of a negative hum in the air you know I would say everybody's just on edge

I think a lot of that probably comes from Mama and Barclay who the more you all like spend time with them the more you sort of pick up on the fact that the way that the abominations are sort of changing and getting sort of more the last one could change time, like the more sort of things they learn and the more direct their influence, like, on

you is, rather than just being like some mindless monster wandering in the woods. Like, the more they are hunting you, the more, I think, concerned they are getting because it's breaking, like, this, this decades-long pattern. Well, and not only that, I also think, like, between, because Aubrey, I think, has since told Mama about touching the crystal. We kind of hinted at that at the end of the last arc. Yeah. And then I also think on top of that like duck bringing Billy in and like them having did do they know that we talked with the mothman um I think so I think you I think you did drop that bomb so I think you I think you did drop that bomb so I just think like also instead of things becoming more cohesive it's starting to

feel a little more chaotic and like you know what I mean of like in I would imagine that in the past when they've recruited new members it has made things easier like smoother as they brought in more help and we have not necessarily done that i like i like that a lot um net have you done any like scouting you you you i know that you clint mccrae have been doing some soul searching about like your your position on this sort of ethical dilemma you find your it's not much of a dilemma uh your your former uh con man you know burglar partner your co-burglar has asked you to do a burgle uh that's not so much of a dilemma has a bad time opportunity. Yeah, it's obvious that the person he wants Ned to burgle is mom. Right, right.

And I don't think Ned is comfortable with that. I think he's really been given a lot of thought. Maybe was case in the joint just a little, just to see. Old habits and what have you. But, yeah, using the Crips by Monica food truck, you know, kind of spying, seeing the possible, you know, entry points. What you have to understand, that would be like in home alone when they first are like driving around the neighborhood, scouting out all the houses. If they were driving around in a van that said, the wet bandits, house, Christmas time house robbers of vacant homes. Well, yeah, but see, here's the thing. CREPS by Monica, that was a thing that was. in town for a while and all right you need to decide

right now mac you said in the last episode you're going to repaint it to say kryptonomica so you need to decide if that fucker says Crips by Monica or cryptonovica and you can't be like a Velcro thing yeah you tear on and tear off

there will be narrative there will be narrative and mechanical repercussions for your decision also also speaking of casing joints the one negative tag you picked for this vehicle was obvious literally You've literally picked the one activity you cannot do in this.

You would get better to just crash it through the wall and pretend it was an accent. Hey, got any valuables? Okay. All right. Okay. Since Rodney, Rodney, uh-oh. The cat that does his assistant. Randy.

Oh, Kirby. Kirby, yeah. Good God. Uh, since Kirby is, didn't see much of him last arc either. Kirby is artistic. So I say he had Kirby. change crept by Monica into Cryptonomica.

Okay. The pact is sealed. Right. And that was the last time they said the C words. And we can move on forever. Duck. Sea word being crapes. Right.

I mean, we shouldn't say any iteration of the C word, I think, on the podcast. And duck, what's... No more C words. Is what's been going on with you and Leo, obviously your powers have diminished. and there's some concern there, but like you two are the, you know, only surviving members

of this ancient order of chosen champions and what's, I imagine that's changed the dynamic a bit. Yeah, it was a little bit hard, I feel like at the beginning. I have to imagine that it was a bit like having the flu, like comparatively, you know, to how Duck has always sort of felt. So I think that that was hard to sort of get past. I think he has found his, his equilibrium again.

And he has, I feel like he would have been training some still with Leo. But I definitely feel like his heart is not really in it. Like there is a sort of frustration, I think, because he finally decided to like actually do something with these abilities and he lost them. And all the work that he's putting in, all he could think is like,

God, this would be easier if I still had those powers. Yeah. So it's like, it's like he's, it is not with a joyful heart, but he just basically has no idea what else to, to do. Okay. I want to pick things up in, in Amnesty Lodge and kind of just like get the hunt going without much more delay. But before then, the, the previous night, last night before sort of this hunt kicks off,

you did have a dream, duck. obviously your powers have sort of left you but you have a dream that feels very sort of familiar so why don't you go ahead and roll weird and go on a vision quest all right let me recheck with my yeah what is your plus weird now

now that you're a normie it's negative one yeah well that's part for the course I feel like yeah all right let's see if you can get a good video oh my god you will never have a good vision Now this is a, I rolled a five and you subtract one from that And that's going to give you a four right there Just right off that's gonna be one of those fours have you seriously have that one's a four You had the one vision of you drowning you had the one vision of a meteor

I don't wait so Griffin are you saying if he had rolled like a 12 he would have a vision of like sitting in an inner tube on a lazy river If he had if he rolled first of all when you make a hard move I get to do something bad So it's not just like him seeing a vision of the future is me changing it's me making something bad to it in the future and him seeing it. And also, like, if he rolls really good, he can get super helpful information that, like, he can know where to go in a pinch. Like, it just doesn't happen.

It just doesn't have to be not work that way. These visions are bad. The nice thing is I will be able to write this one off as a nightmare until it's too late, obviously, but it's not gonna, like, ruin my day. Because I don't think I have powers anymore. So I'm like, well, that was nothing. Like, I don't know, all my teeth fell out,

but that was just like, like a dream, so whatever's. You are hunched over Leo's body. You're outside. You are on concrete in front of a big metal door going into some sort of like complex that you can't quite like discern because you're just, you're seeing it so close up. You are hunched over Leo who is not, not breathing. And I think the vision is like not clear enough for you to see exactly why that is.

and then your vision kind of pans out a little bit and zooms out and you can see what you are sort of sitting in front of. You are sitting in front of the Green Bank telescope. You are dwarfed in scale by this gigantic telescope. I don't know if you've ever been there probably like on a field trip or something when you're younger. Kepler is very close to Green Bank, which we like established in the setup episode. And the telescope, the radio telescope is point. it like straight up and as you are like you know trying to to rouse leo back to life a beam of light shoots out of the the tip of the antenna that makes up the radio telescope and it shoots up into the

sky and as it does so you wake up all right so it's let's let's get going you all are at amnesty lodge and i think like the thing that brought you there is this this you know massacre happened at the Little Dipper last night. And if you're looking for things that happen every two months that seem like, hey, a monster's here. Like Ned, for sure, the kryptonomica wagon, your, you're like scanner technology that you have built into it, by which I mean, I guess just a police scanner. I don't even make it sound like some sci-fi shit.

Definitely, like, picked up on this. So maybe it was you who, like, rallied the troops. But you all are together at Amnesty Lodge to start doing, I feel. Like maybe it's familiar for you all now. Like maybe it's an old hat like every two months. Okay, let's get together. Let's get the ball rolling. It's a pretty-

How is that? Who is the goober who saw me and Mothman? Keith. Is Keith okay? Did Keith get killed? Keith is seeing so shit, you guys. We did not see Keith get killed in the intro scene. Oh, so this is like one of those like,

is he dead? Is he not dead? Well, you didn't see it happen on camera. No, he's not dead. Oh, okay. I just remembered you never saw me die. You never saw a key, we can't. We can't.

We can't. We can't. We can't. We absolutely can't. Fucking complete weird beard. So, Barclay. It's a nice casual scene at Amnesty Lodge, despite I think the discomfort sort of floating in the air. Barclay has made pancakes for everyone that folks are enjoying Agent Stern has been gone all day.

He's been sort of, you know, back on the beat, patrolling the woods for any sign of Bigfoot now that most of the snow has cleared. He's trying to find Bigfoot, who is in the other room making pancakes. How is he still getting funding for this mission? Yeah, you assume that maybe he's, it's a self, maybe he's got some crowdfunding going on for his investigation of Bigfoot. He has been out here for, what, like six months or so now? I forget how long we've, how long we've been going. I think you started in the summertime, so maybe it's been closer to eight. months or so it's February now by the way filming the entire thing he's got a Patreon going that's what

it is he's making an indie flick um and you all are sort of like going over what you have heard about what happened at the hornets nest um I think I think mama looks kind of concerned anytime like somebody like just from the jump gets killed by one of these things there's obviously that's that's obviously very bad and a uh a a dereliction of duty to some extent there is uh as you are all are sort of like getting ready to, you know, head out the door and start your business. There is a knock at the door and Mama opens it and there is Deputy Dewey. And actually just behind him in the parking lot, you see Sheriff Owens standing outside of the squad car. He's like talking on a radio and you all head over to the door as Deputy Dewey addresses you all and he

says, oh, sorry, I probably should have just come in. I know this is a hotel. I just didn't want to be rude. How y'all doing? Are you okay, Dewey? What do you mean? So, let's talk about the 718 last night at the little dipper bar. My long range scanners. Whoa, indicate. Whoa, Ned. Wait, you, you're what? My. I know you guys long range, you got a scan. No, what did you say? No, you mentioned the long range scanner. What's up, Dewey? You got a license for a long range scanner? I don't know if you need one. Yes. Yes. I got it on the internet.

There was a 246, a two, I understand. Just wanted to find out how you were dealing with these things. I always get my codes confused. I just call them all 911s. Well, they are usually, I mean. Yeah, I just, I do have a couple questions about what happened down the Dipper. Obviously, I guess y'all heard about it. Hornets got attacked someone.

Came in the bar, just made a mess of things. We got two in the morgue and a few more down at St. Francis, just hanging on. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Anyway, uh, Hornets, it says they followed whoever did this up into your neck of the woods. Um,

you're, like your actual neck of the woods, the woods, the woods here. And I was just wondering if any of y'all saw something last night. Um, no? I know that sounded suspicious the way I said it,

but the answer is no. Um, well, I guess what were y'all doing last night? Who was actually, who was here? Are y'all like residents? or...

I help out around the place. I'm, you know, I'm the super. Well, hotels don't have super, do they? No, not especially. I'm assistant manager. Is that a role that Aubrey has more or less, like, filled since living here? I don't know how you're paying.

I don't know, maybe. I'm just trying to think of a way, instead of saying, I live at a hotel, like the sweet life of Zach and Cody, which is what I want to say. What about duck, Ned? You all got alibis? We had a tech rehearsal last night for Saturday Night Dead.

I love that one. We're showing terror of Mecca Godzilla this weekend. So we, you know, we've got some elaborate, you know, techa Godzilla puppets and stuff. So we were running through those, my staff and I. Now, I don't know what this says about how successful dad's performance is, But is that true? What?

The Terror of Mecca Godzilla? No, like, are you guys doing that? Do you have puppets? Were you doing a tech rehearsal? Yes. Oh, yeah. I just, I don't know. We just started the episode, Papa.

Listen, Ned's got a lot of complicated shit sort of floating around his life. But he still makes time to put on his late night horror puppet show. I'm just saying maybe these are the seeds we plant where the puppets of Mega Godzilla might come in handy later. Yeah. Me, me, me too. You too, what? You were? Yep.

Me too. I would, yep. Oh, yep. Me too for both. Yeah, me too. Duck, are you okay? You look like you need to use the bathroom. No.

Yeah, I do. Yep. Oh, burritos. All right. Bye. That's what Aubrey's gonna do from now on, whenever she could tell that Duck has to lie. Yeah.

It just prompt him to find a bathroom and hide in it. It sounds like Duck's powers actually afforded him some, some deception ability. That's gone. He is at negative 10. That's why weird. Weird is my ability to lie. That's in a negative one. Yeah.

Okay. So he says, all right. I mean, y'all aren't suspects. I don't know why I'm trying to cope with Dalbaz. I guess I'm not, I'm still getting my head around. around all this. Who, who, who, who, who, who, who beefed it? I shouldn't say that.

Couple hornets, um, I shouldn't say, but. I mean, I, it's honestly, I don't want to be yucky. It's kind of hard to identify them, but we'll, um, you know, look it up in the funny papers, as they, uh, would say. I went to high school with a couple of those guys. I'm just curious. Um, did you know one that was, like, kind of, um, lanky and, um, that's about all like if brown hair maybe exploded

I went to a mushy face did you go to a high school with a guy who's thorax just smooched with just smooched in oh smushy Jones yeah that guy's like you love that dude he's so flog that guy

and at this point at this point Sheriff Owen says like come up to join Dewey on the porch and Dewey says well you mind if I do you mind if I just like poker We're gonna poke our heads around, maybe take a look around. This is, I mean, we don't got much to go on, except for the fact that we have spotted that we,

we placed the attacker somewhere up here late last night. Dewey, you and I both know the law, and you know that you can't go poking around here with our blessing. We're not owners of this property. Yeah, I don't want to actually know. It's a, hold on. Hey, Sheriff Owens, are you allowed to just, like, go in and poke around if it's like a business?

And Sheriff Owens, who has my brain and say, inside of him shrugs because he doesn't know. He doesn't. You can't just go searching properties. Like, I don't think you can. Mama actually says, yeah, I'll tell you what. If you want to poke around, we'll go around with you. Just make sure that you get to see everything you need to see, all right?

And she kind of gives the three of you a look, as if to say. I feel like Mama is able to get, I was deferring because I feel like Mama is able to give a tour. Yes. At this point that's like, looks completely legitimate. For sure. Like, accidentally open the door to a room with pinagrams all over.

And maybe it doesn't look into the basement. If this gets you off the case, then yeah, for sure. Okay. Yeah, we're like, Harry of Harry and the Henderson's fame isn't taking a jacuzzi. Yeah. Wolfman. So Mama and Barclay start walking Sheriff Owens around

and Deputy Dewey's kind of just hanging out with you and the guests here in the lobby. Hey, Dewey, I got a quick question. I got one, too. Y'all making pancakes? Damn. Okay. That sounds like a weird kind of flirt, but here's my question.

You said that it came up to our neck of the woods. Any idea what we should keep an eye out for? Any description or anything like that? It was, you know, a person. Hard to discern much else. It was real dark, and they was wearing lots of, I guess, concealing garments. Pretty big from what they said. and probably got a decent amount of blood

I don't know so I would hope that if you saw a big blood-soaked person in the woods somewhere you'd know to call us ahead of time anyway those hot springs back there look nice I might have to come bring the misses up here for a little R&R. Gross. Do you want some pancakes? Not if you're going to say that the idea of me

having a romantic relationship is gross I don't like that. And he looks out the front door. He's just kind of, you know, poking his head around. He says, oh, it looks like you got a cellar over there, too. We should probably make sure it's clean. You got to stay out. Green mold.

Great. Now, wait a minute. We have a team coming in to clean it up tomorrow, but for now, I mean, it's not as serious as black bolt. Yeah. Thank goodness. But we've been talking with the hotel administration, the HAA. And, yeah, we just got to.

stay out of there, Dewey, for our own health, you know what I mean? Yeah, let's roll a plus charm on that one for I manipulate someone. Okay. Deputy's just trying to, Deputy Dewey's just trying to do his job. If you want to keep him from doing his job, you're going to have to do a good. Oh, shit. Oh, no. That was the six. Hey, Ned, you want to help? Yes, I will.

Do you, do you know about green mold? No, what's it do to your body? Well, let's just say it focuses on the area below the waist and above the knees. So as a married man... Wait a minute. If I walk into your cellar that it has green mold in it, it's going to mess up my wiener? It'll target your genitals. It goes right for them.

It goes... It's bad news. And, you know, as a married man, you've got to give that some thought, my friend. I don't see why my marital status would have any effect. on my sort of, you know, my sexual Congress habits. But go ahead and roll help out, Med. This is a, this is, we're starting this hunt off with a bang. Come on, man.

Let's get the triple five. Okay. That's an eight. Okay. On a seven or nine, your help grants them plus one to your role, but you expose yourself to trouble or danger, which brings Aubrey up to a seven. They make success on them manipulate someone. They'll do it.

Only if you do something for right now to show them now that you mean it. I think the compromise here is, uh, he's, He says, all right, well, just like open the door and I'll like just look down in it and just make sure. And with that, I don't think he gets the, like, he can't see Thacker or anything like that from the ground level. He says, are you sure? It just looks like a, looks like a basement. Don't breathe. Just don't breathe whatever you do.

Yeah. Okay, he covers his mouth. Is that a PlayStation down there? Yeah, but it's just the PlayStation 2. Yeah, I got timba. No. What is the point of any of this? I don't wonder, can please make the show start?

What is happening? And then a wolf man jumps in and eats his whole body. He bows. Why? He says, all right, they sort of regroup on the porch, front porch, and says, uh, uh, Sheriff Flynn says, all right, well, um, if y'all hear anything, obviously you let you let Let us know. This is, we haven't had a, you know, a murder like this in Kepler in some time.

So I guess just keep your ear to the ground. Y'all always seem to be there whenever this bad stuff happens. So you let us know. And the two officers take off. And Mama says, well, that was weird, wasn't it? Yeah, I guess, should we, I don't know, go investigate? Yeah. thing we do, right?

Yeah, I mean, that's what we usually do around here. I guess, yeah, it's probably time for us to start hitting the pavement. I guess what we know is a person, but it doesn't seem like it was a person. I mean, I'm guessing it's not just coincidentally. Somebody went and did some murders on the day that we were expecting an abomination to show up. I'm thinking it sounds like abomination M.O. Right. A little concerning that it drags someone back up into the woods up here because we don't

know what they seen. So, um, well, it seems to me like the smartest bet would be like the three of us go investigate the scene of the crime, as it were. And then maybe Jake Coolice could go see if any of the hornets will talk to him and give him any details or anything. Uh, Jake Coolice, who has been sort of like, um, sitting kind of like staring into the middle distance in the lobby because like he used to be one of these, uh, part of this crew, um, says, uh, if you don't mind, I'd I'd like to maybe sit this one out. He looks, he looks like, he looks super upset. He looks bummed out. Hey, you got it, buddy. Jake, how come? Why, uh, these guys were pretty shitty to you last time, if I remember, right?

What, uh, why are you upset? I mean, um, we did, we would do, like, picnics together and fundraisers and, you know, we would do stunts. We would do these, like, late night stunt shoots where we'd hang out and have pizza and beer afterwards and I guess some of them got murdered last night so I don't really want I'm not like really in the mood to go out and you know play play detective I guess and maybe if the spirit moves you go check on the ones in the hospital yeah it seems doable you need a little time I understand take a break enjoy yourself relax put your feet up

us three superpowered beings all of whom have superpowers will risk our hods so you can you know make peace with the grieving of these guys you don't like thanks I think you were trying to be sarcastic but I appreciate it I can't I brought it back around the sincerity at the end I didn't mean to but I can hear it happen in my voice and decided to roll with it

hey everybody this is Griffin Macquarie Dungeon Master your best friend and your fungen master. That's right. I'm in charge of your fungian. What's that? Don't worry about it. I'll tell you when you're older. Thanks for listening to the Adventure Zone Amnesty. It's episode 21 in the start of our new hunt. I am looking forward to where this one's going to go. I hope it gets real spooky and real fun. Let's get into the ads. Oh, if you came out to PodCon, it was super nice to meet you. I'm assuming I met you because I feel like I met virtually everybody there at PodCon. It was a super fun time, did some fun talks, and yeah, I hope those who attended had as much fun as we did. Thank you to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag.

If you do that, you might end up as a character in the show about to meet a few new ones. I'm talking about folks like Bevan, McSee, Tim Grimes, and a bunch of other characters in the past have tweeted about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. Not the characters, actual people. Don't get twisted. This is not a Purple Rose of Cairo situation. Anyway, yeah, thank you all so much for spreading the word. It really means a lot. This community just, like, it just totally bangs.

I don't know what to say. It kicks ass. And getting to meet so many of you at PodCon was a real treat and a real treasure. Also, thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to Maximumfund.org and check out all the great shows there. They got shows. They got all kinds of new shows. They got the JV Club with Janet Varney.

They got the Jackie and Laurie show, a brand new show. And so many other shows, all at Maximum Fun.org. If you want to see other stuff that we do or find out about new merch or new announcements for tours and stuff like that, it's all at our new website, Macroyd. com. Justin and I are back doing Monster Factory. You can find links to that also there. And it's just a good homepage. Lock it.

Lock it in. Never change it. That's it. I'm going to let you get back to the rest of the episode. The next one is going to be up in two Thursdays, which is going to be. Ah, man, I have to check my calendar. I can't do the math of it from one month to the other. Let's see. Well, that's going to be February 7th. So I guess we'll just talk to you then. Bye.

You all are standing in front of the Little Dipper, which is a, I would say, a sort of dive bar of somewhat ill repute down by Riverside, some ways down from where the kryptonamaic is. I think it's closer to like the east side of town, the shady side of town. And it's sort of I mean there's a lot of trees? Yeah, no, I mean, there's a literal, like, shade everywhere. Oh. It's a pretty small place. Like, I imagine, like, like, cinderblock kind of build, uh, down sort of a path,

and it's, it's a bit removed from the main drag of Kepler. Uh, there is, uh, the scene is kind of a mess. There's, there's crime, crime tape. Crime tape. Crime tape. Crime tape. Yes. Crime tape.

Let me check my resource guide here. Yes. Crime tape. It's cordoning off sort of the building, and there are still, like, a lot of bikes parked in front of the establishment that are all sort of, they've all been toppled over. And in fact, you can actually see, like, some blood on some of them. Peeley Herman was here. Bewee did it. And, yeah, there's no, like, bodies lying around, but you can't really get close enough to get inside the building.

What with the crime tape? There are a few, like, squad cars from the sheriff's department here. And there are a couple officers who you don't recognize and who I'm not going to give a name to. And, yeah, I think that's, there's, like, it's a, you're standing in a parking lot, and so there's still, like, it's a, you're standing in a parking lot, and so there's still, like, trace amounts of snow that has been melted with, with salt around. And you can see, like, lots of footprints sort of, uh, going. going in the direction away from the building. And you also see like a pretty good amount of just red snow in, you know, a splatter coming out of the out of the building. And, yeah, standing sort of where close to your position sort of off the road as you come in and outside of the perimeter of the crime tape, you see two Hornets, two guys.

one is a much bigger fella than the other one, both wearing sort of the, you know, the jackets with the Hornet insignia on the back of it. And the littler one of the two of them is sort of nervously smoking as you all approach. And that is the scene. Begin investigation. Griffin, kind of the first thing, I think, if I were Aubrey, that I agree, what do I do? Look around, do I see any CCTV cameras?

Oh, interesting. I mean, definitely not. Like, I do not, this is not that place. I do not think. Maybe it should be that place because of, you know, the type of patron who comes here, but no, I don't think necessarily that they are going to have that. What about, I want to look behind the bar.

Is there any, is there a, I would imagine a place like this probably has a weapon there. I'm curious if it was drawn or if things happened too quickly. Oh, I see. Oh, you actually like want to get in the building and look behind the bar? Yeah, I think I was going to go in there. I'll flash my badge to the other. Yeah, he's the only one with the bad.

Oh, okay. I like that justification. I think that the sheriff's deputies who, because they're nameless, maybe there's so many people working at the sheriff's department that they don't know that you aren't one of them. They just see the badge and they're like, yeah, head on through. Obviously, I stay out to talk to the two hornets. Okay. And Ned, what are you doing? I'm going to look around the grounds.

Okay. Just sort of in general, see what you can see. Well, I want to look for drag marks. I want to look for any sign of the body being dragged away from the bar. Okay. Doc, why don't we start with you? Because, like, you're going to get a lot of sort of info just, like, walking into the bar. Not that it's going to be especially useful info. It looks like a bomb went off in here. Like there are broken chairs all over. There are some broken tables. There's a big mirror sort of behind the bar and that's just been shattered.

There's a big sort of window leading out to the front of the bar. That's been shattered. And in fact, as you get closer to those bikes, you can tell that like the glass went outwards and somebody was probably thrown through it, old school saloon style and just landed flat on those bikes. and then like there's just there's just a lot of blood there's a shuffleboard table that is just like caked in it this is this is I mean y'all have been hunting monsters for a while this is definitely like the grisliest thing you have seen since being in this business and this is like would you say that this is a scary situation like I don't necessarily 100% know that I'm safe in here um I don't I mean since the the sheriffs have been here for a while and like the primers has been set up here for a while and the blood's all like super dry like you assume there's

nothing whatever did this is not here right now so I don't think you feel in a lot of danger just trying to milk a experience point out of you but that's fair I mean you you what's the what's the question because you I mean Justin literally if I go off by myself to check out somewhere or something scary mark experience I wouldn't necessarily go ahead market I mean Justin if you walked into a fucking bar that people got killed in last night I think you'd be scary Fucking scared. Yeah. And right now, you, Justin, are as powerful, if not more powerful than your character,

Duck Newton. Yeah, because I got a blue belt. Yeah, you do have a blue belt. You could kick this thing. Yeah, go ahead and mark experience. And also, I think if you want to do this investigation, you're talking about, go ahead and roll investigative mystery for me. Okay.

The stuff I just said, like you got just from walking in and you could see. Son of a... Holy shit, Justin. That's a four? Big four. Why do my rolls have to be mundane? Like, why do my rolls have to be mundane? Yeah.

You could drop a luck point. I think what's your sharp now that you're mundane? One. Okay. Yeah, I mean, luck is the only way you're going to turn this into a victory. But I don't know if you want to. This is, it's just to like investigate, right? Yeah.

Yeah. But I can take. It seems like very important, though. I'd hate to like, yeah. I've never used luck. And I could get those back. somehow? No, your luck is an expendable resource. But I'm saying we're more than halfway through this campaign. You haven't used any luck like you're sitting on your club. You know what? Just this one time.

I've worked very hard to get in here. I've had a rational way a lot of stuff. Okay, that bumps it up. I'm gonna spend a luck point. Cool. You get a complete success. You hold two and you get to ask one of these questions. What happened here? What sort of creature is it? What can it do? What can hurt it? Where did it go? What was it going to do? What is being concealed here? I love that there's advanced moves, which I don't think any of you guys have taken. I think you have to level up five times before you can take them, which you all probably are close to now. And the advanced move for investigative mystery is that you can ask a question. You can ask any question you want about the mystery, not just the listed ones, which seems a little OP.

Who did it? What is it? How do I kill? What sort of creature is it? Okay. A woman walks up to you. wearing the sheriff's department sort of uniform. And she's taking some pictures of the scene as you walk in. And she says, oh, hey, I don't recognize you.

Are you, hey, who are you? What are you doing here? My name is Duck Newton. And I am looking for information about what occurred here. You a journalist? I am a badged professional. That's good enough for me. Yeah, it's a gnarly sight.

I've been working at the Sheriff's Department for a few years now. I ain't never seen nothing like this. I didn't think stuff like this happening, Kepler. What was your name? My name. My name is Megan. There's probably a listener of our show name, Megan. It's you.

I didn't know that this character is going to exist an hour ago. Yeah, my name... Because Duck's a rude piece of shit. Yeah. I'm a detective Megan last night. And I'm here, uh, you, uh, you ever seen anything like this? Yeah, I mean, a little bit. Not exactly to this extent of brutality, but I've got a little more experience than I like with sort of, um, unexplained situations.

Talking about unexplained, I was down at the morgue. I helped sort of get the bodies down there. And it's one thing to like, you know, murder someone. one of these hornets had a big like chunk missing out of his neck and there's teeth marks on it it looked like somebody just like chomped right down on him had himself a little dude snack and what the what's what kind of stuff you got to be on and do something heinous like that i swear i thought kebler was different and you know safe from stuff like this but i'm i'm gonna move back to back to chicago you know i'm gonna move back to that's not where i'm from

from, but you know what I mean? It's a figure speech. Yeah, back to Chicago, like they say. I think that's the, I think that's as much as you're gonna get in here for what sort of creature is it since like the creature's not here. And so you have what you have- Down on the neck. Is that what we've established?

Yes, you have one more question. Is there any reality in which what could hurt it? I mean, that's one of my questions, but there's just no, they, or it just doesn't make sense, right? Like, no, no reality would, would make it have actually. access to that information. I can ask a different one that feels more narratively sound. Yeah. So, uh, Megan, what, what, Detective Megan, excuse me.

What, uh, what happened here is as near as you can tell? I mean, did, uh, this thing just take these two guys straight to Chicago or what, how did it all shake out? Uh, well, we talked to a few people. who were in here when the person came in. And it was a person. Yeah, what else would it have been? I mean, wild animals, you know, this part of town.

I mean, possibility. What I understand is the perp acted like wild animal, what with the dude snack, but just came in through the door. It didn't seem to be provoked. Nobody here seemed to know who they were. they came in and they just started killing and clawing and people said that picked up a table like it weren't nothing threw somebody all the way across the room like 20 feet moving around and you know chucking people like they were Superman or something like this but if Superman you know bit bit people um and uh just just came in here and did did it's killing and then once every everybody had taken off, they, they, uh, they took flight.

Right back to Chicago. Right on back. So, uh, yeah. Well, I appreciate you, uh, you talk with me, Detective Megan. I'm gonna let you get right back to Chicago and I'm gonna go talk to my guys over there in Chicago and we're gonna get right back to Chicago. Yep. That's all, that was all correct usage of the idiom.

So, well done. Buffalo, Buffalo. Buffalo. Buffalo, Buffalo. Buffalo. Buffalo. Aubrey you are back out in the parking lot and you were going to speak to the two Hornets that you saw, the big one and little one. Do I recognize either of them?

You probably saw them during the like ski trip sort of conversation. They were definitely there helping make the stunt video up on Mount Kepler. But you're not like super, it's not, you know, it's not Hollis, it's not Keith. Gotcha. Hey, hey there, fellas. how are you how you holding up uh you know i'll be better uh are you are you like grief counselor yeah you grief counselor i do have some counseling experience um but right now think of me more as your friend i could really use a grief counselor i think more than a friend at the moment i got okay then i'm a

grief counselor yes i'm just saying we got friends yeah we got each we got each other's Throughout all this, all I can say is we got each other. And I'm to thank the Lord for that. That's absolutely beautiful. I am a grief counselor. What are your names? Be careful, Travi doesn't always have names. Sometimes it's going to make you feel like a heel for asking names.

Well, my name's Bevin. My name's... And my name's Tim. Okay, Tim. Aw. Tim, Ben. You know, I find that with traumatic experiences like this, sometimes it helps to talk about what happened

because oftentimes we'll close ourselves off to it and not really let ourselves live through the experience and that's where we get haunted by the past but as we let ourselves discuss it we can oftentimes

break through that wall and make it something in the past rather than something we're still living in in the present. Are we going to get to talk to each other through dolls at some point

because I say I've heard that that's sort of the main thing that you do. Yeah, I won't get to that but you have to earn that. Okay, Bevan. I've got to earn that with my trust. So how about first start by just telling me what happened?

Let's roll investigative mystery. Is your mad, I mentioned your magic eye power. That's for, what is it, the other one? The read a bad situation, right? Investigate mystery, that's plus sharp. So an eight, so I get the whole one. So how about you tell me what you've closed off? What haven't you told the police?

What's that thing? you're like they would never believe this. You can open up to me. I'm here to believe you. And that question is what's being concealed here. Okay, yeah, I got a good one for that. Bevin looks around and says, you're going to think I'm telling tales out of school

or, you know, just making up just poppycock. Yeah, it's going to sound like poppycock. Bevan, I would never. Tim, don't use that kind of language. Bevan, I would never. So we were standing up. out front a bar just sort of, you know, catching a lung full of that good smoke from a cigarette. And I smoke a lot and I look cool when I do it.

But anyway, we were out there in front with Hollis and we watched the person walk in. And I wouldn't paying a lot of attention to them when they walked in. But I did notice them and they came into the parking lot and it looked like a That's kind of, I mean, I want to say small, but like everyone's kind of small to me, because I'm a pretty big man. The biggest man. The biggest man.

Okay. Yeah, thanks, Tim. That's sweet. But it's like this blonde lady, and she had a hood pulled up, but I could see some of her hair, and she was, you know, kind of, just about Tim-sized, I would say.

And, yeah, she's the one that came in. Tim-sized blonde lady. and she came in to the bar. I didn't seem to pay no mine. Hollis seemed kind of spooked for whatever reason. And then, you know, the stuff happened. And I was on my way out and I doubled back because I was like, my bike, my bike. And I was like, I don't want to get torn apart like everybody else, but I do need to get my bike.

And so I started to head back. And I saw her again, but this time, like, she was way different. She was, now she wasn't Tim's size. You're not going to believe this. Now she was Bevin's size. She was huge and she was different. She'd, you know, she still had her hood up, so I couldn't, like, make out her face a whole lot.

But obviously it was sort of a, what's the word, like a grim mask of death and is like she's, you ever seen Transformers? Yeah. It's like one of those. Another Transformers reference. It's two in two episodes. Transformers are coming to the saga.

I can feel it. They are so coming. Did, hey, Bevin? Yeah. Could you see her teeth? No, I was a little too far away from that. I mean, her face, what I could see, was covered in a lot of blood, so there's that, but yeah, that's all I got. So I got to say, I'm not feeling less grievous, I guess.

No, you've made a great start, drink lots of water. Great. Ned. Ned, why don't you, you're walking around the ground, so you're just trying to, like, see what you can see, right? Yeah, Ned walks around,

like, behind the bar, like around the edge, like the wooded area, and it suddenly occurs to Ned that he's not fucking Bindy Irwin and doesn't know a damn thing about looking for tracks in the woods and the ground. So he doesn't want to go back so quick

because they'll know that he, was a big failure. So he kind of leans up against the dumpster and and starts munching on some slim gym that he had in his pocket. What is going on? And he's just... Ned's just taking a break from the game real quick.

And he's just looking around. I mean, just glance around. He knows he knows it, but he was kind of, you know, being all look for clues and, you know, trying to impress his buddies. And yeah. And now you're realizes he doesn't know anything about this shit. So he's just going to sit there, he is slim, gym, and after a few minutes, go back. And that's how he's going to investigate a mystery. Then go ahead and roll investigative mystery.

All right. Three. Oh, my God. Plus. That totally fits the narrative you've just set up. Plus two for Sharp. Ah. So now instead of being a huge failure, it's just a huge failure.

It's just a big failure instead of a huge one. Man, okay. I'm gonna do a hard move. And this is the move. And I will also give you a little something. You are standing here idly watching nothing, I guess, eating your slim jims, your dumpster slim gym break, Ned, you absolute raccoon.

It's one of the like three-foot ones that you pick up. You are sitting there just kind of idly looking around and you see what looks like this like string of light that is just kind of hovering in the air. And it's super faint. You probably wouldn't have noticed it if you hadn't been like standing here for a while and, you know, seen the light change. The clouds move overhead and notice this thing.

And I think you only see it for like a little bit. This like little rift floating in the air. And as you start to approach it, something happens. You see this rift kind of just like open up, just like slug. just like a half inch and behind it you see an eyeball looking at you and then just as quickly as you noticed it it disappears you all are back at amnesty lodge to regroup with mama and barclay jake cool ice also went to the hospital and is there as you all are sort of gathering up all of your information and i think he opens up and he you can tell he's had a long sort of difficult day and he says um So, yeah, apparently only a couple people got killed, but those that made it out didn't, I can't say they're doing super great. A couple of them got bit, and a couple of them kind of just got, you know, beat up and thrown around and got some fractured collarbones and arms and whatever did this, it did it, I think, with intent. So that's all I could get.

Now, I'm going to go and take a dip in the springs and just listen to some smooth jazz or something because I need something to take the edge off. And Mama says, all right, so we got somebody biting people. We got super strength and they turned big and scary and anything else. Just FYI, I think Aubrey has specifically left out the blonde hair detail. Okay. There was an eyeball, an eyeball looking at me through a rift.

Well, that's peculiar, Ned. You should, and you didn't open up with the eyeball rift? I was looking for the opportunity. I didn't want to just leap into it. I wanted to work it into a narrative flow, build to it, and then say something like, and a rift, I saw a rift. Yeah. Doc, you got anything to contribute here?

I mean, it's sort of been covered. I mean, with the chomping. Got that. Yeah. It was a, on my report here that I took from, that I was listening with Aubrey, and said it was one Tim-sized blonde lady. So that is the closest to a description.

Didn't say blonde. Kept that to myself. Yeah, definitely didn't say that. One Tim-sized lady. And no descriptions on the VIX, except that they got messed up pretty bad. Also, was no provocation.

I should, I should mention also. This seems like just came in and started attacking people. But does seem like intent. It like walked right into this place. Right. Yeah.

It doesn't seem like somebody picked a fight. Obviously like the reason you're keeping the description sort of concealed, Aubrey is obvious. But like I think Barclay is even without the hair color like right there with you.

He looks super nervous and says, uh, okay. I mean, are we talking about like an old school vampire because that could be kind of problematic. And I think he's just like looking at Danny while he's talking about this and says like, I don't like she seems fine. And like I don't think she's been skipping her trips. I know it's not Danny, but like if if it if the wind moves in that direction, if people start following clues like she's kind of. Hey, Barclay, we don't need to jump to Chicago, okay?

Okay. There's still tons of information we don't have. As you all are sort of talking about this, you are, I imagine you're down in like the basement, the cellar, so that, you know, nobody, you don't drop any big clues in front of Stern. And the ceiling starts to rumble. You hear the sounds of motors outside, up above you, outside of the cellar in the front yard of the parking lot of Am. Amnesty Lodge. Oh, thank God. The Fast and the Furious crew are here.

Now we're saved. And like really quickly, Mama and Barclay look at each other, kind of like weirded out and start heading out to the surface. And as they open the door and you all kind of like poke your head out of the cellar, you are temporarily blinded by this row of bright headlights shining in your direction. And they all flick off one by one and you see what was hiding behind them. parked in formation in front of Amnesty Lodge is a fleet of 20 motorbikes ridden by Hornets with Hollis at the lead. And they take off their helmet and approach the lot of you as you all kind of step out of the cellar.

You see Keith just sort of just behind them. And Keith, as he takes off his helmet, looks genuinely, lock size with you, Aubrey, and then looks very scared. and Hollis approaches you all as you come out of the cellar and says, So you all heard what happened at our place last night, right? Yeah, I'm real sorry about it. Yeah, it's awful. So Keith told me everything about the monsters, told me that you all work to fight them and keep it a big secret.

Huh. Hey, Keith. Hollis, can we talk to you over here just for a mo? Hollis says, I'm good. Just so, like, I'm new with this, obviously, but, like, is the plan that you usually, like, keep us, you know, the rest of the town in the dark? And then after someone gets slaughtered,

then you, like, step in to clean up the mess? Is that how that's been working so far? I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. Well, good news. You don't need to know what I'm talking about anymore. You all are relieved of duty. We'll take it from here.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I am Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Kishin. Together, we host a podcast called The Jackie and Lori Show. We're both stand-up comics.

We recently met each other because women weren't allowed to work together on the road during gigs for a long, long time. And so our friendship has been unfolding on this podcast for a couple of years. Jackie constantly works the road. I write for Conan. and then I work the road in between. We do a lot of stand-up comedy, and so we celebrate stand-up, and we also bitch about it.

We keep it to an hour. We don't have any guests. We somehow find enough to talk about every single week. So find us, you can subscribe to the Jackie and Laurie show at Maximum Fun.org or wherever you get your podcast. Okay, bye. Hi, I'm Ali Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott,

and we're the host of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons. Every episode, we cover a different episode of The Simpsons, and that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. I got a D-Minus I passed. And we've also had people that are on the MaxFun Network already. We've had Weird Al Yankovic on the show. I was just struck by how sharp the writing is.

I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons. But I mean, like, you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point had been on the year for 14 years. Find us on Maximumfund.org, iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. Smell you later.