The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 25

Episode Date: April 11, 2019

Our heroes try to contain the spread of information through the citizens of Kepler, and try to keep their overeager allies in check. Aubrey gets stonewalled. Duck fights destiny. Ned says farewell to an old friend. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. You steal shade tree for me and I'm out of your hair for good. And as you are like trying to rouse Leo back to life, a beam of light shoots out of the tip of the antenna and as it does so, you wake up. And she pulls out this dark blue book. You can't really tell what it says. I'm scared of what they might find out. I'm scared of war between our worlds.

You are through the rift and now you're standing in front of this barbed wire fence surrounding the Green Bank telescope. Like you can read the emotion on this Bigfoot's face. It is frustrated. And then it looks over and it sees you and it smiles. And then this figure looks up at you and she just has these bright, orange, glowing eyes. And this fog has fully taken form. It's Deputy Dewey and he's a ghost. Okay, so we ended the last episode, which we recorded six Gregorian weeks ago.

If we were in middle school, we would have gotten two report cards in the time that it's taken us to record this next episode. At the end of that episode, though, you all were kind of all over the place, and I would like to sort of jump forward in time just a little bit and pull everyone together because there's a lot of shit that has happened in the last two episodes that we kind of need to reflect. in a in a scene. So if you all allow me, it is, let's say the day after all of this mostly bad stuff went down. And the three of you, along with Mama and Hollis and Keith and Megan, Detective Megan, are all sitting in a conference room at the sheriff's office. And Sheriff Owens walks in, he's got a bag of Jolly Pirate.

donuts, which have franchised out into Kepler, I'm guessing. You have to assume. You have to assume. I'm making that canon because I wish they would franchise out to Texas. Boy, howdy, do I miss those donuts? And he's got like a drink carrier full of coffees. And he's like, everyone good? I brought some vittles to help perk you up.

I know I brought you here pretty early this morning. Anybody know anything about actual pressure? on the feet because I had to walk all the way from that damn telescope. Nobody would pick me up hitchhiking. I could see if anyone here wants to rub feet, but I offered coffee, so that's different. Yeah, blueberry, any blueberry? This is my favorite. Oh, you know I got blueberry. This whole bag is full of blueberries. Blueberry coffee? Get a fritter?

Yeah, I got two fritters. One for me, one for my new warrior friend, Duck Newton, I guess. Nice, because you get it, you get it free. It's the baker's dozens. You get the fritter for free. A lot of people just choose an extra donut, but you got to go down and look at the shelves because I got the pastries down there. It's that you can do your 13th one. You can get the apple fritter.

Or, you know, a Cedar and roll, bearclaw, whatever you want. But that's where you go. There was mention of coffee? Yeah, here. You slides it to you. It's dangerous, but you catch it. Well, that's weird. Styrofoam cups don't slide very well.

He greased it. So he greased the cups. Whoa, it's all slippery. It's a Kepler thing. Sheriff Owen says, okay, so I brought you all here because I'm having a predicament and I just kind of want to outline it for you. You're not under arrest because this seems like it falls outside of my usual jurisdiction. But here's where I'm at.

I got a monster what's loose in my town. And it is the most recent, I can only assume, of many monsters been loose in my town. Am I getting it so far? Yep. Yeah. More or less. Now, folks have been killed by this monster. My deputy being the latest victim.

And folks have seen this monster now, including everyone. one that's in this room. Now, Griffin, a quick question. In the passing time, so sheriff doesn't know about a deputy ghost? You know what? You tell me. I want to know what you think. You're the one who brought him, well, not back to life, but you are the one who gave

him spectral form. And while we last saw him sort of breaking you out of the jail cell, like, I don't know, what makes the most sense to you? Well, I mean, I did give him spectral form using a luck point to save his life. So that's super cool there. Griffin. No, I get it. It's fine.

I got to tell you, I'm a little tired of keeping secrets from people. Good Lord, that's exhausting. I'm not so much, it's not so much bad that I'm considering keeping secrets. So much it's like, how much all at once can this regular Joe take? Like, if I'm like, yeah, there's monsters. and also your deputy's dead, but also he's a ghost and I can do magic. We don't have to have that conversation, right? You just say, like, the sheriff knows.

Like, I already did that. I already introduced the sheriff to his ghost deputy, and he's here. And he's trying to eat. Yeah, you know what? If I was Deputy Dewey's ghost, I'd want to be able to talk to the sheriff. So I'm going to say he knows. Okay. And when he mentions him then, when he says, my deputy being the latest victim,

Deputy Dewey waves, he's seated in a chair like across from you all. And he reaches over and tries to grab a donut and... Oh, whoa, geez. I'm never going to get used to that. I know. I'm trying to get used to it, too. So if I take a bite of this, like, I'm kind of corporeal. Is it just, you're going to be able to see it in my tummy?

Am I going to be able to taste it? What's the rules? Only one way to find out. He does. He takes a bite and you see him chewing it. He says, I don't got any spit, but it's hard to do. And he swallows it. And sure not, there's just some donut floating there,

just in the center of his sort of translucent belly. Oh, this is horrible. It's real bad. Hey, hey, I think it's cool. Sheriff Owen says, I can't have the folks in this town unprepared for a monster attack. And I can't have them terrified running panicked because they just found out that monsters are real from their local sheriff.

So that's where I'm at. That's my day. And if anyone has anything... Welcome to where all of us have been. This is literally the discussion we have constantly been having since we found out about these two. You can't just like hop on the local news and say, oh, by the way, there's abominations out there and everything you knew about like magic and what is reality and stuff is wrong. But please stay calm.

Why can't we? Alice chimes in and says, yeah, why not? think of all the people you know in your life. Think of, think of 10 people you know, right? Just a random 10 selection of people you've met in your life. And you walk up to them and you say, hey, there's a vampire out on the loose or, hey, there's a werewolf out on the loose or hey, whatever. And so you need to board up your doors tonight. How many of them are going to listen to you? How many of them are going to never talk to you again? And how many of them are going to laugh in your face? Listen, I was welcome to Kepler with open arms, with a loving tender bosom of the people of Kepler, West Virginia. I think they're tougher. I think they're braver and I think they're more accomplished than you give them credit for.

And to be honest with you, I think we could use the backup. All right, Ned, well, let's go a different way with it, okay? You're right, they are tough. And you know what? I bet a whole bunch of them wouldn't be scared. But I'll tell you, not all things that go bump in the night are monsters, are they, Ned? Do you really want the citizens of Kepler taking up arms with itchy trigger fingers because they're looking for monsters out there? The sheriff Owen says, now hold on, what do you mean by that, Aubrey?

What I mean is just like us. People are good, people are bad. You can't say that just because there have been a couple things that have attacked out there that all of them are looking to harm us. I'm just saying that maybe arming the citizens against, I don't know, anything that twitches or looks at them wrong might not be a good way to go. Because pretty soon people will start seeing monsters in the faces of their friends. Hollis stands up and says, well, Aubrey, I don't see why you get to make that call for everyone. Sheriff, listen, I know we don't see eye to eye. I know we've done lots of stunts that have left you quite flummoxed. But literal stunts?

So many stunts. But my people are ready to die to find this thing that killed our friends and put it down. And these folks, and Hollis, they gesture to you. They say, these folks have been dropping the ball for too long. Excuse me? Whoa. Mama kind of clears her throat when they say that. And Hollis says, let us do our thing.

Lend us some help, sheriff owns. We can protect this town from whatever threatens it without everyone else finding out. Let us do our thing. What is your thing? You punk? Hollis just doesn't even... Hollis is not even giving you the time. What are your qualifications?

What do you think you're going to do that we haven't done? This is actually a point of order. Our thing. So how about you let us do our thing and you go out and hit some ramps or whatever? Are you trying to convince... Are you just fighting? Are we just having an argument? No, I'm just fucking pissed off at this one.

Okay. I want to know what Duck thinks. You know, I don't believe that... a room full of people can keep a secret, frankly. I mean, I think we're probably past the point of this conversation. I mean, you got Hollis, their crew, sheriff, his crew, ghost. There's a ghost now. I prefer Spector.

I know we're just still working on it, but the terminology I prefer is Spector. All right. I can respect that. You can respect her that. That's a little respecter joke. Very little. You know, I think this decision's been made for us. And I don't want a bunch of random people out there, you know,

taking swings at Bigfoot with a special axe they made to kill Bigfoot. You know the people of Kepler. They love to make signature weapons. Sheriff Owen says, I think it's a little bit late for that. And gestures over to Keith and Hollis. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's funny.

A few months back, I would have laughed this off and said, hey, let the tough guys handle it. Honestly, though, I'm just a dude that knows a lot about plants currently. I have a helmet and a skateboard, and that's about it. So I don't know. I don't know that I'm more qualified than anybody else to be out there fighting what goes bump in the night, you know? Sheriff Owen sighs and he says All right, listen I'm gonna let you all go

I need time to think about this but if if this thing comes back and more people get hurt or worse because I didn't make some sort of proclamation then that's gonna be on me

for the rest of my life. So I need to I need to make a decision on what the best course of action is here because I was not trained for this and I'm sure y'all are going to be hearing from me real soon. And with that, he walks out of the conference room and Hollis and Keith, I think Hollis actually just kind of sneers, especially at you, Aubrey, and Hollis walks out of the room and Keith stands up and says, I know Hollis is coming off a little bit gruff. I know I have in the past two. We're just trying to do what's what's right and get some

justice for the folks we lost. So, um, no, no hard feelings. Fuck off. And Keith, uh, kind of looks down and sighs and walks out of the room. Listen, the peruvial cat's out of the bag. And I don't think there's anything we're going to be able to do to keep Hollis and their crew from trying a little vigilante justice. And far as I can see, we got one way out of this. And Mama says, what's that? Duck, what are you thinking in that Noganyers? I think we find this thing first and we put it in the ground.

Let's do a scene in the headquarters, Amnesty Lodge. Do a parlor room scene where you guys kind of go over what you know about the monster. A parlor rooms. Yes, we shall accuse the monster. Using the clues we've gathered? This is a fun character. I would think with as much poro that you read, you would have an easier time sort of conjuring up this guy sort of.

Well, this is, I rarely do a narrator for the narrator, but this is, I'm the meta-narrator. I help Griffin to set the scene. Imagine we all in pipes and smoking jackets. You're all wearing pipes and smoking jackets in the cellar of Amnesty Lodge. Sipping a brand. Andy. Aubrey's sipping of brandy.

So is Ned? It's not real brandy. It's apple juice. And. Say something about Ned's beard. How it's twitching with anticipation. Yeah, he's got it all curled up around the mustache area. Can I say Zounds?

I got my computer here in front of me. I got my laptop. So listen, guys, I know we're all intimately familiar with all the information we've gathered around this thing. So I've created a text document. here, Google Docs, with all the info we have on it. Now, is this an offline Google Docs, or are you hardwired into the internet right now? I'm hardwired in the internet. I'm plugged in through Ethernet cable.

You know the Lodge has got Ethernet, Griffin. Come on. Yeah, you're right. You're using the Internet, right? No. No. I've talked to you about the subscription fees on the Internet, and I'm not going to pay them. It's ridiculous.

And the cookies and the malware and the spyware? The viruses, I got viruses as I was connecting to it. It says, to connect to this service, you must accept the following viruses. Yeah. And then you hear a, bum, do you want a monster dong? Let me close out some of these monster dog pop-ups. You thought it was big feet. All right, so I taped up all the clues that we are all intimate.

familiar with, just to help us review, I got the, uh, I got like a text to speech thing. Okay. And I'm just going to play it for you all right now so we can recap all the information that we have and are intimately familiar with. Okay. Am I it? Yeah, you're it. I can, I can try and do a Microsoft Sam voice if you want.

I think it would be helpful to everyone, excluding the people who make this show, obviously. Hold on. I got to click the. Let me... Okay. Abomination is a shape shifter. True appearance unknown. Past appearances include blonde and small, then transformed into larger humanoid being.

Hold on one second. Let me tweak this a little bit. It's got a... It can do a British accent. Hold on. Okay. Gregor, the Morg technician. A Bigfoot-esque monster, but far more be steel than Barclay.

I can't understand it. Let me try the New York one. Behavior. Nope. Hold on, let me try it again. A behavior. It seemingly emulates the behaviors of things it mimics. It's able to change shape and create riffs through space that it and others can pass through.

It's attacked Kepler twice and led pursuers to the clearing in the woods where the archway stands. Weakness. Question mark. Question mark. Dwelling. A darkened building, presumably a hotel that Ned was taken to. Butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, butts, Who just wrote busts here?

Bots, butts. Sorry, I'm trying to increase my typing speed. Poo-poo. Buts. Baby, like a ducy. Wait, the baby like a ducy? Buss, buts, baby like a ducy. It's looping, it's looping!

I let Leo's nephew fuck around with my computer. I think I added that. Hold on. Okay. Okay, let me just clear that out. All right, so. Bats, butts, butts. God damn.

Let me just close the computer. So possibilities. What about the ski resort? I mean, if it's some place, Ned, someplace like a hotel, you think that could feel right? It didn't really have that resorty kind of feel, and I mostly spent my time in the lower floor, the basement. It could be the ski lodge, but isn't the ski lodge still open? Mama says, yeah, skate resorts still, you know, operating. And, you know, it's not as popular as it used to be.

but I like to think that if there was a, you know, a shape-shifting monster creating riffs in space time, that at the very least Eugene would take notice of that. So I think we can probably roll the ski resort out. The thing is, Doc, it could be, it really does not have to be in Kepler proper. One of those riffs I stepped through, like I said, took me to the telescope, for God's sake, and that's miles away. God, you're right. Are there any other building, any other?

I don't know, like officey building or hotel-y resorty, big, you know, big closed buildings anywhere nearby? Mama says, well, yeah, I mean, there's the, not many that are open, you know, we're not getting that much traction. It's really just the ski resorts got some rooms and then there's a motel down on Riverside. But that's, you know, still open too. But if it's an abandoned, you know, hotel or whatever that we're looking for, Kepler's got no shortage of those. It was big. Yeah, folks used to come here to go skiing and now they don't.

And so all the hotels and resorts that we had opened are all more or less shuttered. And they're all over on resort row. Problem is there's quite a few of them. So. Well, do you think that there's a way then to, instead of us trying to find it, make it find us? Because it seems to want something, right? Because it showed up and went to the Hornets Nest, right? And attack there.

And then it also then followed that up by coming to the morgue where the hornets were. So this doesn't seem like, you know, that first abomination that we fought just seemed like an animal, you know, rage killing things, right? But this, this seems calculated. It seems like there's some kind of like steps playing. Barclay says, no, I've been thinking that too. it, it, this thing is, this thing is doing something. It's not, it's not just attacking. It's not just out for blood. It's making moves. And I don't think any of us know what those moves are leading to unless somebody else has been sort of, uh, paying closer attention than I have.

You know, I didn't even tell you all this. Um, it's been, it's been a stressful time. Uh, but it has led, well, it led me, and Sheriff and Hollis out to the archway. And they couldn't see it. And whatever happened there, I'm guessing probably didn't happen, it disappointed this thing. Maybe it's trying to get through.

I don't, if it's trying to get back to Sylvain, is that possible? Or maybe it's trying to get other people over there. You know, because it led, it's not like it didn't know where the gay was. It led you there, right? And it just seems like between getting the Hornets who are basically a gang and the police involved, it seemed like it was kind of making sure it was getting people involved who would get riled up and want revenge.

Mama seems shook by that. She says, you all realize that. That's the nightmare scenario if that happens. Yeah. You think it's trying to start a fight? Yeah. I think it might be trying to, I don't know, destroy whatever, you know, the anonymity, the peace that comes with it between Earth and Sylvain. Because if you think about like it's taken forms of things we know to make these.

attacks. It's setting us up. Mama says this is obviously I think we're in uncharted waters. We need to we need to cross reference this with what we've you know seen in the past. Ned would you be a deer and go fetch the laptop off my desk from upstairs? Oh certainly. Yes, let me go to your to your to your to your office to get the laptop. Um, um, I'll be right back. It may take me a little while because I might have to make a restroom stop. But I will go to your office, which I assume is unlocked.

I mean, not that it makes a difference, but, you know, it's unlocked, right? Hey, Ned. Yes. Why are you being so weird? I just being weird. No, not weird. Just I'm excited the hunt. We're in the hunt.

I'll be right back. And apparently, even though Ned has a rich history of stealing things, this is the first time he's ever had to lie about it. It's fucking prom night jit. Well, he hasn't stolen anything in a long time and he's worried. Hi, it's me, the meta-narrator again trying to explain dad's weird choices. It's me trying to explain dad's weird choices. I like it. While Ned has gone, Mama, Barclay is, Barclay has a whiteboard that he's trying to, like, draw things.

And he points to the words Green Bank telescope. And he's trying to, like, connect where all these riffs go. And he says, now, I don't. get why, you know, it would be, have a riff on the, the hornets nests because it started some stuff there, and I get why it has one behind Amnesty Lodge, because that's where it led people. Why is it going to the Greenbank telescope? What is it, what could it possibly want there? I have a thought. Maybe it's trying to start a war between us and aliens. That's the music that kicks in whenever one of us solves the mystery, and we're, and now it's

were really in the thick of it. Barkley and Mom are just kind of staring at you. Okay. It could be that. We'll put that down as A. Yeah. Are you writing it up there? Yeah.

I'll write it. Barkley takes it and writes A colon aliens question mark. And then in parentheses, I don't know why Duck got on aliens and then in parentheses. But B, how about B? He writes B. And it's a government facility, right? Like, yeah. I'm saying if you wanted to start a war.

This is getting a little Mars attacks for my taste. I tend to deal with sort of- aliens. I didn't say aliens. I know he said aliens. I'm dealing with local like werewolves and stuff. I can't start talking about aliens starting a war with the government. No, I didn't say aliens.

I want to make it clear. I went on the record right next to B. Aubrey didn't say aliens. Ducks said aliens. He writes that in parentheses. Let's jump upstairs with Ned. Ned, uh, you, you make it to Mama's office. The door's unlocked.

Okay, Ned walks in and gives the room a once over. He hasn't really, doesn't even really know what this sculpture looks like, does he? You were shown a picture of it, right? It's a wooden sculpture of a tree with a figure sitting under. It's called shade tree. By Madeline Cobb, I remember that. Right. Which is Mama's real name.

Yeah, you don't see it. Like, it's not sitting on the, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, It's not sitting on a shelf, uh, somewhere, it is not, uh, anywhere obvious. Also worth noting, the laptop is not on her desk. It is not sitting on top of her desk, which is what she said it was. Hmm. Was she just trying to get rid of Ned? Why did I ask that in Ned's voice?

Um, did Ned just say that out loud? Was she trying to get rid of Ned? Ned sad. Then I think it's time for Ned to investigate a mystery. I almost think this would be a read-a-bad situation, if anything, or possibly your burglar crooked thing, if you're looking to... I want to search the room, so whatever move is that one. Okay, if you want to search the room, I think read-a-bad situation might be better.

I think it might be a better rule than investigate a mystery. If you're not actively stealing some shit, instead you just want to look around, then this is the role, is read-a-bad situation. All right. He can add cool to that. Uh, no, sharp. That's a two. Wow.

So it makes no difference what to add to it. That is a snake eyes. And it's like it's as bad as it could be. Okay. Uh, you see it. In this case, he'll be directed to the exact opposite of where it is, which means he just has to turn around and there it'll be. You actually, uh, are walking around looking for,

something and you find a loose floorboard. It's actually a few loose floorboards underneath your feet. They kind of creak and you can tell that there's something strange there. So that was a failure. I'm taking a hard move. It doesn't mean you failed. I mean, I'm going to do something. All right. Then Ned, using all of his burglary skills, raises the loose floorboards and peers within You do so, and there is a safe. And, yeah, there's a safe inside, and it has a, you know, a dial lock. And you have seen and cracked this exact safe many times. It's been a while, I assume, but throughout your career, you know, you had the touch.

And so you, you know, you can crack this thing easy. It's the wall holds 2,500. I've seen it before. Yeah. This is what Yul Brynner kept his black shirt from Magnificent 7 in

when I stole that. Yeah, sure. Does Ned only steal things from famous people that Dad's a fan of? He's a fan. He's a fan of milk. What do you do?

So he opens the safe. Yeah, you can do it with your eyes closed. You open it and there it is. Obviously, you're looking at it from the top down, but you reach down and carefully remove shade tree. And it is as like exquisitely carved as Boyd sort of described. It is like the figure laying under the tree is so detailed.

And the tree itself, like the, you know, gnarled bark and the gnarled barkly of the tree and the grass that the figure is laying in. Like it's all so beautifully detailed. And you're kind of like, you know, mesberized by how beautiful it is. and so much so that you don't notice Danny walk into the room. And Danny says, uh, Ned, what's going on? Well, I thought there was a laptop underneath this stupid sculpture. So I'm looking for Mama's laptop.

Send me up here to get the laptop. And so I thought, well, where else to put it? But in a safe, because you want to keep all your secrets safe and you don't want anybody to hack it and steal your stuff. So this sculpture was in there. I was trying to look underneath it to see if the laptop was in there. So you came in here to find a laptop and you ended up cracking Mama's safe, thinking that that would be where that, why wouldn't Mama come get the laptop if it was that precious to her? Well, she sent me, she sent me up to get it. She said, Ned, go up to my study and get the laptop.

I, you know, I, you're not, so I was hoping maybe you'd give me the same benefit of the doubt that, well, I gave you. the sheriff thought you had snuffed a bunch of guys down at the Hornet's nest. Is this a move? You're trying to manipulate someone? Yes, I am. It seems that, like, it seems that that is, what you are saying is what this action is, it seems like, if you're trying to keep her from, you know. I am trying to manipulate it. Okay.

Uh, roll plus charm. That is a seven. And charm one. So that's an eight. Okay. They will do it, but only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it. Gosh, I don't know how you would show that you aren't going to rat Danny out to, you know, the sheriff. And, oh, I mean, that's what it is. She says, okay, that's kind of weird. Hey, I know you got called down to the sheriff's office to, you know, I guess clue him in on some of the stuff that we do around here.

Or rather, I guess you guys do around here. You didn't happen to tell him about me. did you? Danny, I believe in you. I would never betray a friend. I consider us friends. We're friends, right? Yes, of course we are. And I would never betray a friend, a stalwart of mine, a companion. We are united. We are colleagues in this battle against evil. And I know that you would never betray me. So of course I did not betray you, my good and faithful friend. You're being super weird today, she says. I am always super weird, Danny. Do you not know me at all?

Fair, fair, fair. And she walks out of the room, kind of backstepping, actually, looking at you sort of awkwardly and what's the word I'm looking for? Suspiciously. Yes. Ned, what's your plan here? I guess I should ask. you, are you, what's your plan here? You've got the thing you are in Mama's office, which is,

you know, you're still in the, still inside Amnesty Lodge. You have not sort of completed the burglary in the sense that you haven't sort of absconded with this thing yet. Right. And it's not like he can walk around. I say he probably goes out the window. Okay. Because he doesn't want to be lugging this thing around. He doesn't want anybody to see him with it. I say he gives a cursory look in the safe to see if the laptop was in there. It is not. In fact, I will say with your like burglary senses that you use to like find this thing, even with the failed role, you know the laptop's not in this room.

It's just gone. Well, that's, that's weird. Yeah, man. So here's what I suggest. Ned is going to go out the window and take the tree immediately to Boyd. And he'll concoct some kind of story. later about why he didn't come back. Maybe he, you know, thought he saw somebody and thought they had taken the laptop so he went in

pursuit of him. That sounds good to me. I would believe that, but I'm your son. Well, you're a good son. Thank you. So that's what Ned's going to do. At this point, Ned's been gone for a while for everybody else who's still down in the cellar. And Mama is looking kind of concern.

and she sends Barclay upstairs to try and find him. I'm guessing you covered your tracks, Ned, like you closed the safe. You weren't that, like, shitty at this? Professional thief, okay? Barclay comes back downstairs and says, Ned's not anywhere. I don't see Ned anywhere. I don't see the laptop anywhere either.

Mama, are you sure you left it up in the office? And Mama, I forgot I was Mama. Well, Mama? Mama? Oh, God, she's gone. She has a blank expression. She says, well, no, it's definitely up in the office. But where'd Ned go?

Do he fall in? What's going on? And Barclay says, no, he's not. He's just, he's nowhere. So. You checked all the bathrooms? We only have the one bathroom. And yeah, he wasn't in there.

So. Huh. What about his, what about the one secret bathroom downstairs in the basement that he likes to use when he's really going to destroy? destroy stuff. You should check his secret, the secret bathroom? I didn't.

It's the one that says danger hazardous chemicals on the door, but he wrote the sign. Yeah. Go check it. Well, wait. Yeah, I'll check it. No.

He's not in there. He's not there. You were gone for 20 minutes. I was gone for 20 minutes. It was a lock on the door. Huh. Yeah. Well, I mean,

why would Ned take the laptop? You know, maybe he had. Oh Taxes Tax season You know He had to balance The books

You know Maybe he was getting the laptop And like saw the monster And he had to go Maybe he had to go Because he saw the monster And he fled Oh shit

What? What if the monster Created a Rift And snatched him Again. Shit. He's gonna be pissed. He's gonna be so pissed.

And I'm pissed because we're about to crack this alien thing wide open with that laptop info. Should we look for Ned? I mean, I'm of course worried about Net. Where is Ned? But should we look for Ned? Y'all keep looking around for him here. I'm sure he's like not. I don't know where he would be.

Maybe he's curled up. He's taking a nap in the walk-in freezer again. He probably just forgot. and decided to take a nap in the freezer. I tell you what, why don't you all here keep looking around for him? I'm not going to waste any more time. I'm going to...

I had a vision. I don't know if I told you all. Yeah, I think I did about Leo dying near the telescope. Barclay points to dead Leo that he's had circled on the whiteboard. Yeah, see, it's up here on the whiteboard. Yeah, excellent.

You, oh, you brushed up against the whiteboard and erased the aliens part. If you could just get that back up there, I appreciate it. And I'm gonna go talk to him. Maybe he'll have some insight. He's been at this a long time. Maybe there's something, I don't know, maybe he can shed a little light.

Okay. Let's ignore aliens and telescope for a minute. At your peril. Okay. And maybe we should check. Exactly what they want. Okay. And maybe we should check with Sylvain to see if there's any kind of, I don't know, rogue person.

like an agent person that they know about or if they know anything about I don't know I'll go talk to Janelle Let's try and then maybe you and I can poke around this hotel Oh my god, you okay? We get We get my hair all this smoke. It's all this pipe smoke. Why are we doing this? It's real bad for us And that's when they wondered why they were smoking their pipes After that let's uh let's go poke around this hotel see if we can find anything Great and you know what ask Leo to come maybe pigeon we'll see if pigeon wants to come help out? Yeah. Yeah, it makes

sense. More people. More people, more poking. That's what I would say. More people more poking around. That's what I say. That is just horrible. Because we'll poke around and if there's just two of them. All right, I'm, ducks walking out of the room. Hey everybody, this is Griffin McRae, Dungeonmaster, your best friend and your best friend and your dungeon master. Thanks for listening to the Adventure Zone Amnesty Episode 25. Hope you're enjoying it. I hope it's not getting too spooky.

If it is, grab a friend, grab a blanket. Grab a machete and be ready for when the monsters, the real one's a tag. That's not true. There's no such thing. Or is there? Got a few announcements here, but first of all, I want to thank everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, because if you do that, you might end up as a character in the show. Characters like, oh, we haven't met that character yet. Well, there's a character I named a person after, so I handled that. But you could end up as a character like Eugene, who's named for Eugene

Archibald on Twitter, or Keith, who's named for Keith Wellman on Twitter. Really, we just appreciate is spreading the word about the show because that's how we've been able to grow. And this is our first episode, I think since the Max Fun Drive, and we are so grateful for everybody who came out to support us. The support you show us year after year is truly humbling. And it really means the world that you all think so highly of the stuff that we make that you would support it in such a direct way. I think that is going to do it. So I'm going to let you get back to the rest of the episode. Again, because we missed last week and we pushed to this week, we are going to have another episode of the Adventure Zone Amnesty up a week from today.

So that's going to be April 18th. So I'll talk to you then. Bye. Let's do Leo's scene first with you. Actually, it's a duck scene. Feet Leo. Thank you. You find him at Leo's, his grocery store.

Leo's place. I forget, it's been a while since a pizza hut destroyed it. Since big pizza hut came for my small business. And he's recently sort of reopened it after rebuilding it. And he has pretty much basically recreated the winning formula that made up the original Leo's grocery store. And you find him there as, who's walking out of the store? Who's checking out as, let's say Muffy and Winthrop are buying some groceries there. And Winthrop says, I really wish they'd get a Trader Joe's in here.

And Muffy kind of nods snootily and take. takes her non-trader Joe's groceries and walks out. Good day to you, sir. You're in my way. Yeah, excuse me, Winthrop. All apologies. Maybe later you could help me put snow tires on my Bugatti. All right, Winthrop.

All right, hey, you better head out. I think the Wells Fargo wagon is coming down the street. Muffy says, Winthrop, he's making fun of your name. I'm intimidated by you physically. And then they walk out. All right. Keep walking. Then Winter comes back and kills you.

What do you say? Because I'm fucking mortal. Leo says... What are you fucking say to me? Leo says, you got some beef there with a local sort of money bags? I get along with everybody. I figured I got to have someone to blow off steam with, you know? Yeah, it's fair.

How's it been going? Doc, I haven't seen you in a while. How's the hunt this time? Yeah, it's a tough one. Honestly, Leo, it's, I don't feel like I'm any fucking closer. I'll be honest. And this thing, it's not, a lot of these things have just been out for blood or to fuck shit up. But this one feels smarter.

I had a, I had a vision. And I should have told you about four, but honestly, I didn't want to freak you out. He looks shocked when you say that. I don't know. What was in your vision? Well, you were at the telescope and you were, there's not a pretty way to say. You were dying, and I was there.

So you weren't alone, which is huge, kind of a positive there. But now this thing has been there. It made a, I don't know, a riff or something. traveled there. So it's got some sort of interest in the telescope. And I'll be damned if I have one single clue what it wants. He turns around and reaches up to a shelf where just like cartons of cigarettes are kept for sale. And he pulls down a pack of camels and lights one up.

And he says, you know, funny thing, duck, you. You lost your powers, obviously, when Minerva's link to us got severed, and I haven't had those powers in some time. And yet, I was asleep the other night, and I had that same vision of me in your arms, you're cradling me, looked like a real nurturer duck, and I was dying, and then the thing shot a laser beam up, which I don't think that's what it's built to do, so I thought that was cute. So yeah, same vision of me dying in your arms, Duck, and that's what I got to say, not the best, not the best vision that I have had so far. You're going to offer me one of those things?

No, because I know how hard you went trying to quit. I've been your neighbor for a while. I'm not going to make you fall off the monkeys back or whatever the saying is. I can't believe you would take that sort of agency away from me, or from my character. or to make that decision. Okay, here, here, here. Yeah, here's his cigarette then. No, thank you.

I got asthma. What's wrong with you? I've had asthma. I've had asthma ever since I lost my powers. Dang, that's a shame. I had it before. I got my powers. Yeah.

Lost it. Now it's fucking back. I got asthma again. That's where I'm at. Right. And I sympathize with you, but I'm going to die pretty soon, it seems like. So me too if there's any fucking particulate in the air

Duck I know you're trying to make me laugh But I we had a dream that I'm gonna die in these dreams that we have They have a tendency to come true always So I guess you and I are taking a road trip Up to the Green Bank telescope to Go face our destiny together Right like I can't just like lock myself in the in the in the You know the Fraser here and you know

Take a nap. Take a nap. Like, no matter what happens, no matter how much we try, I could go get on a fucking plane and, you know, catch a flight down to Rio. And I would still somehow be at that telescope at that time in your arms dying.

So I'm, I don't know about you, but I just kind of, let's just, let's just get it over with, right? Let's just, let's just get it on. No way, man.

No way. No way. You're the closest thing I got to a, you know, a mentor now with Minervagon. You're like an uncle or something to me. I was going to say, dad, that seems ridiculous. But, you know, like a cool uncle that has a sword to me.

And I'm not going to let you risk your life that way. I didn't have a vision about me beefing it. It's about you. I'll just go and, I don't know, see what I can find. He sighs. He says, you would do that for me? You would go do this thing alone, whatever it is, without me being there? You do that for me, Doc?

I mean, I'll go there. If I see anything scary, I'm probably going to get back in my car and leave. But, like, I'll go poke around. I just don't want you getting anywhere near it. He smiles. He says, and he puts the cigarette out. And he says, all right, duck. You don't have to worry about that.

It's a deal. Aubrey, you are, you're heading to Sylvain. Are you going to talk to Janelle specifically or what other? Did you have other, you know, sort of things? At this point, I feel like there are very few people that Aubrey either knows, the let alone trusts over in Sylvain. So I feel like Janelle has been a pretty solid. Vincent has been friendly enough to you.

Yeah, yeah, it might be worth it. He's requested DVDs every time you come. And I don't know if you've been delivering those, if you've been breaking his heart. Absolutely. Did he request Pacific shows? No, I just wanted to see some Earth movies. He likes Earth pop culture.

And we haven't, we don't go to Sylvain that often, so we haven't followed up on that. So I don't know if you all have a DVD. Like a special. DVD, a special edition of The Thin Man. The Thin Man? Yeah, I think he'd really like it. Okay.

It's a pretty funny mystery. He greets you at the gate. It's a classic. He greets you at the gate into the castle and says, I'll have to check this one out. Sorry for bleating. I know that that's kind of rude. You're going to love it.

It's funny, but also dramatic. It's a murder mystery, but hilarious, and everybody's drunk in it all the time. Seems great. Do you want your, any hands you a DVD case? He says, and here's your copy of Duce Bigelow, male, Gigolo back. All the classics. Did not, didn't care for this one.

No, it's absolute garbage. That's why I wanted to, I wanted to give you a taste of this garbage before I handed you maybe one of the greatest films of all time. Right. Is that a goat joke? No. Okay. All right.

Well, I'll check it out. Thanks as always, Aubrey. And he opens. Yeah, you're going to love this one. It's the greatest of all time. It's so good. Now that's another, that's a goat joke. Okay.

That one I actually liked a lot. So, uh, okay, good. Yeah, head on, head on in. Uh, I, real quick, you're the kind of, you know, law enforcement person here, right? Yeah, you could say that. We're dealing with an abomination over there that seems to be kind of to have an agenda, which is kind of different from what we've seen before. And so I thought it might be worth it, like, to ask you, do you, did you, like, I don't know, exile anyone that could, like, shape shift shift recently or something?

Shapesh. I mean, we've exiled people, certainly, and there are certainly people who've left of their own accord. And, you know, we don't usually talk about this over here. It's somewhat taboo, but I know that Mama is. giving refuge to those who have left our world for yours. And those who have wandered outside the gates of the city have been taken over by the quail. So I'm pretty sure all of our refugees are, you know, accounted for.

And if they weren't, I cannot think of one that could change their shape. They kind of change their shape with like swirls of light. Yeah, that doesn't ring any bell? No. So sorry. Yeah, maybe it's just I'm still. in a fog from Deuce Bigelow male Gigolo. Not another murder.

Not another life lost because of Deuce Bigelow male jiglo. Too much harm has been caused by that movie. I'm so sorry. I hope that you're able to recover. I'll do my best. What's he hiding? Keep digging, Traff. Hey, maybe I got to get rough with you.

Hell yes. You'll get it. It's in the movie. Okay, bye. Let's just like hop into your conversation with Janelle. No, cut the, cut the bullshit, cut the small talk. Whoa, okay. I think, well, as always, I think she wants to know, like, how your powers are coming.

How much you're telling her sort of in that regard before we get to like your questions. She knows every, I made a ghost, Janelle. Okay, that's it. Right. A ghost. Janelle says, and, okay, that's not, you got it. I made a ghost. Yeah.

That's not possible, Aubrey. That's what you say, but I did it. Aubrey, only sylvanes who perish in the light of the crystal are able to experience second life. I cannot understand how this is possible, Aubrey. Okay, but it's real. Like, if you don't know, how do I know? You know, I kind of, I thought I would say, I made a ghost, and you would say, oh, cool, level three. or something. I don't know.

It's not level three. This is something that... Level four? Only the light of Sylvain. Level infinity could possibly... Tell me how you did this. How did it happen? I used a luck point

because I rolled really bad at first. Right, right. It happens to the best. So I asked the magic to save his life. And rather than save his corporeal point, I guess it saved, you know, his spirit, his specter, excuse me. And now he's a specter, just chilling out. He had a donut earlier and I got stuck in his tummy and it was gross, but also very cool.

Yeah. Yes, you can do that. You mentioned that you saw a person when you were doing this that helped you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This, Aubrey, this is not like any spell I've ever cast before. and I've cast, I'm thinking all of them. So only Sylvain is able to bring people back from the dead. Is it possible that you are somehow communicating with her?

Because only the interpreter is supposed to be able to communicate with Sylvain. With the planet? With the essence of the planet, yes. So, I mean, I ask the planet, I ask the magic, the planet, the magic planet to do the magic. That's different. I do that all the time. I have never seen the planet personified, Aubrey.

I've never been touched physically by the planet. Oh. Yeah. I mean, I guess it's possible on doing that. Is that bad? She sits back in her seat inside. She says, it's not bad, Aubrey. It just breaks with millennia of tradition.

So that's something peculiar. And this... Tradition. And this book, Aubrey, this book, you say that you just happened to find in the woods, you're still hiding the fact that Danny had it? That was something you established a long time ago. I mean, here's the thing. I've told Janelle way worse shit.

Okay. Danny doesn't know where she got it. Yeah, she just woke up and had it. Okay. She says, I've never seen anything like this before either. she flips through it and lands on that same page that you saw with like the mountain with smoke coming off of it. And she says, this book describes a spell. Uh-huh.

And it's, it's this language, it's old, old sylvan. I can't, I know some of, this word means sacrifice or transaction. I can try and decipher it, but we'll take me. Please do, because one of those is way worse than the other one. Yes, I... One of those is like somebody dies. The other one is like, you buy some coffee. Yeah, yes.

And she's looking over it now and is kind of just lost in thought. So should I just stay here and wait? Oh, so I'm sorry. Did you have any other questions, Aubrey? Let's see. Oh, one last one. I've been researching a fairly big spell to try to... cure the brain of a friend of mine?

Any advice? Anything you got? I mean, what is the, what are they suffering from? Is it, is it, um, well, uh, I think he's, uh, infected, not like physically infected, but he's kind of gone animalistic and a little bit. Is it the, is it the quell? Sure.

Yeah. She, uh, looks back down at her. book and is kind of ignoring you and she says yeah if you find a solution for that one abri you make sure to let me know well shit oh hey jenelle real quick i'll wait you get back to the book but that's oh for three how did i turn into a ghost what is this book how do i help my friend i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know yeah obri i don't want to i'm not going to sugarcoat your situation i know most things and you are outside the scope of that so i'm going to try and look but i not Knowledge is not just instantly granted to you.

You have to search for it. So it will take some time. Okay. Well, here's for extra credit, okay? Shape changing with swirling light. Do that do anything for you? Absolutely nothing. Cool.

Great. Janelle, so great catching up. Why don't you come back tomorrow, and I will let you know if I found anything. Okay. I'll see if I can, I don't know, talk to the, essence of the planet anymore and let you know what she says. Mm-hmm. And she's still, she's still reading the book. Okay. Bye. You find Boyd in, I think he probably like gave you a note on

where to find him and it's, it's this, it's that motel that I mentioned earlier by the river. I didn't think of a name for it. I usually am more on top of it. Who can come up with the name for a nasty, stinky hotel the fastest? The Count Galoo, G-I-L-U. Motel. What does that mean? It's a motel and Will Twitch, Virginia that stayed at one time. Oh, okay. It wasn't that nasty. It was nice, but it just had a wild name. Okay, well, this is the Count Galu Motel in Kepler.

Count Galu, too. It's a chain now. How about it's the Count Galu Hotel? Okay. They didn't, it's not sanctioned by the original owners. Okay. There's ongoing litigation. Sure.

Yeah. Okay, Count Galu has been tried for war crimes, and so they don't love the name, but he's, it's still the Count Galu Hotel. And maybe it's nice. Maybe it's not a shitty hotel by the river. Maybe it's a decent hotel by the river. Full of hardworking people. And you go to Boyd's room and he opens the door and takes like a peek outside just to make sure you haven't brought anybody else to rough him up.

And he welcomes you inside. And he says, oh shit, I didn't think of that option. Oh, damn it. I've got a sorceress and a guy with a belt sword. shit. Oh, hello, Boyd. Yeah, you have a sorceress and a guy with a belt sword? Just talking out loud, just talking out loud, I'm rehearsing for Saturday Night Dead.

That's some of the witty banter that I had planned. We're showing the Ginger Dead Man from 2006 with Gary Busey. Ever see it? It's terrible. Horrible. Anyway, Ned, you know, so where's my stuff? I don't share your pin shot for crappy horror films. Well, good, then you can't double-check my facts.

Okay, where's my stuff? Where is my stuff, Nan? Well, I will present it to you when I see my stuff. I can already tell that this is going to be very exhausting, and he sits down on the bed at the, just like the foot of it, and he says, why don't we do this? Why don't you show me my stuff, so you can prove that you have it, and then I will show you my, the thing that I took from you. It's all your stuff, but I have some of it, and you show me what you brought to me, and I will show you your stuff. I assume you have some kind of container, like a trunk or a big old hefty bag or something holding my stuff? I have a box that is holding your stuff, yes.

Okay. Well, here's what we do. You show me the bag with the stuff in it. Oh, my God, did. And no, no, no, no, no, no. And then just I will point to you outside where your stuff is. It's locked up in my Cryptonomica then

Okay, this is for sure a Convince somebody Right? Like you are for sure Or manipulate someone This is this is not a manipulate someone I do not know what is This like sort of verbal wrestling match That is a nine plus whatever it is I add

Your charm I add my charm which is one So that's a 10 Boyd Boyd Moche They will do it for the reason you gave them he sighs and he says, okay, I actually have a boat to catch. So here is your stuff. And he reaches in his pocket and he pulls out a key that is attached to a fob.

And it is a key for a safety deposit box at the first bank of Kepler. He says, I'm not going to keep all my stuff on hand or else you could have just come here and killed me. and taking it from the... I know, I thought of that a few minutes ago, damn it. Yes, but everything you need is in box 454 at the first bank of Kepler, so you'll find it. Well, then I say, let's go down and get it. Ned, I need to go.

I need you to give me Shade Tree. That was the deal. What if I were to give you something worth more than Shade Tree? He's standing... In exchange for the Fobb, now hear me out. What do you have the... What is your number one goal, Boyd? It's to hurt me and to get out of here.

Number one and number two goals, right? You want to escape, correct? Yes. Is that more important to you than money right now? No. My suggestion, I will give you that beautiful van out there, loaded up. It looks like a food truck, but it is loaded with surveillance equipment, police scanners, all kinds of things to help you evade capture.

I will give that to you, lock, stock and barrel, if you give me back one of the items that you stole for me. I don't care about the Clooney Oscar. Well, I do care about the Clooney Oscar, but I don't care about the Wright Brothers patent. I do a little bit. But if you give me back the pendant, I will give you the key to that amazing vehicle out there. It gets great gas mileage, very comfortable. Okay, okay. First of all, I'm moving back to London, and the wheel will be on the wrong side. So that's the first problem with the plan. The second problem is that the shade tree is valued at a high six figures, and I'm pretty sure I can go buy my own garbage bus with that amount.

Loaded with high-tech surveillance equipment? I don't need high-tech surveillance equipment. I need to not be caught by high-tech surveillance equipment, but no, Ned, we had a deal. And you are betraying the nature of the deal. And he stands up and I think now you remember how what a big fucking guy boy. You establish that he is a big sort of fit dude. And I think he's definitely trying to sort of threaten you with his size. And he puts the key back in his pocket. He says, Ned, if you're not going to hold up your end of the deal, I'm not going to hold up mine. I think he's, you know, standing over you trying to be imposing.

And then he starts coughing. And it's actually kind of heavy. and he pulls his hand away and he's got a little bit of blood that he just kind of like quickly wipes off with his pants. And he says, Ned, we're at an impasse. And unless you can think of a solution, then I'm just going to take my leave with all of your things and fence them overseas. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, boy, look at me. What is the deal with the blood and the coughing and the sick? It's not your business, Ned.

it's a lung infection. I am going overseas to convales, if you must know, and that is, I am eager to get away from this country that has not been especially nice to me. I just need the means to do so, Ned. If you've ever held any affection for me at all, take the key. It will unlock the box that has all of your things at the bank. Give me shade tree so that I can just, so I can leave, Ned. Please. All right. Ned goes out to the crept by Monica van and gets Shade Tree and brings it back and hands it to Boyd. I do this on one condition. Shoot.

I will never, ever see or hear from you again. He takes you, he puts an arm around your shoulder and maybe you feel. like a flash of just like, this is how it was for a while. And he walks you outside and hands you the key. And he says, Ned, I can guarantee that. And he shuts the door. And then we see, as the door sort of shuts and see Ned sort of walk away, we see Boyd look down at the like, this sort of dingy carpet.

He is wearing just this calm sort of expressionless demeanor. and then he coughs again, and there's some more blood that he looks at kind of curiously. And then he sticks a finger, like, in his mouth and rubs the inside of his cheek, and he just pulls out this massive, like, tissue that he just flings to the floor dispassionately. And then he strides over to the closet in this hotel room. And he throws the door open, and he inspects its contents thoroughly before he walks away and vanishes into a rift in the fabric of reality. And on the floor of the closet lays a body.

Its neck is snapped and its eyes are vacant. It's the body of Boyd-Mosh. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm the JV Club podcast, Janet Varney, and I used to suffer from indecision. I couldn't choose between Star Wars and Star Trek,

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