The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 31

Episode Date: July 11, 2019

In the wake of prophetic new information, the Pine Guard’s plan to save both of their worlds undergoes an ambitious revision. To pull it off, they’ll have to forge more than a few uneasy alliances. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. And you are being whipped around the room. You're caught in just this whirlwind storm emanating from the center of the room. And right there, at the center, you see a bright red sphere. Duck, you see the top side of town. It is 9.35 p.m. And this makeshift canvas installation just explodes. And then it's gone.

Minerva nods, and she holds her blade aloft. and then a small rift opens in front of you and then others all around town open. Let me see if everybody's on board with this. Seems like first up, we got to get the Hornets and then we got to get them distracting the FBI so we maybe can get Agent Stearns back on our side so he can help us get Mama back on our side.

We need about a million things to go exactly right before we even get a chance to go to the nether realm and die. Yes, and it's a fine plan, folks. You see in the doorway, Injured Cold, who says, it could probably use a bit more work. Uh, let's jump right in. I'm in already. I actually got in before you did, just to make sure the water was okay. Oh, how is it? How's the scene doing? The scene is good. I'm already in it. Yeah. But because the narrator has not joined us, we're locked in stasis. We are characters in search of an author as in the Puranello play. So they've been there for two weeks, or what's up?

I've been there for two weeks locked in perfect stasis until time itself. She'll turn its gaze upon us and let us resume our merry roles in this play called existence. By the way, when you hear thunder and rain and stuff, those are all sound effects. That's the angels bowling. We've added angels bowling to add to the oncoming storm. It's kind of a device. There's tears in the floor. There's holes in the floor of heaven.

Let's unfreeze everybody. Indrid Cold has just walked into the cryptonomica, and he just kind of strides right in past the circle of citizens of Kepler. What's that? The circle of life. Yep, he strolls right through it where a zebra's eating a dog or whatever. And it walks up to you, Aubrey, and Duck, and he says, Hopri, Doc, it's

good to see you. I'm so sorry about Ned. If I had seen that coming, please trust that I would have contacted you earlier. Oh, yeah, Andrew, none of us really saw it coming either. How are you, man? What did it all right?

I'm doing, well, not great. How should I? I'm doing fine now. But if we don't do anything else, I'm going to be pretty dead tonight, as will everybody. Hey, any aliens in really close? Is everybody here cool? You mean, like, are they a narque?

I mean, are they cool? Oh, you, I mean, I don't know how long you've been out the game, but like, everybody knows now. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's kind of, the cat is out of the proverbial bag. The very large cat, it's out of the very small bag. interdimensional cat is out of its back. Has Heathcliff made his way over to Earth? That would be quite a

surprise. Might as well have. Yeah, basically. Um, well, okay, this might expedite things and he turns to the crowd and he says, Hey, everyone, I'm the moth man and he pops his glasses off just for a second and turns into the big, hideous, horrifying moth man and then pops his glasses back on. He says, I can see the future. Everyone just nods solemnly. Yes. This probably isn't the weirdest thing that you've seen in the last couple of months. I just wanted to, we have a tendency to just kind of tell people in a trickle one at a time and we don't have that kind of time. So, Mothman, mystic, see the future. Everybody, everybody cool with that? It's weird, right? Yeah, nice to meet you. I'm Thacker. Just, that's it. Thacker, what a wonderful introduction. A rich, rich character, you seem to be.

I'm brand new. So, you know, Give me time to flourish and develop. The mothman turns to everyone. I think he's like standing in the center of the circle, just spinning, talking to everybody. And he says, okay, I trust that your own homegrown prophets here have given you the general rundown. This evening, the quell's going to burst through the gateway

between your worlds and lay siege to Earth, and Kepler's going to be destroyed, and the rest of the planet will follow in the coming weeks. And if I follow the basics of your plan, you're going to distract the FBI with some motorbike stunts. Stunts. Yeah. Good so far.

You know, when you say it like that, though. You make it sound silly. It was dismissive the way you said it. No, it has a decent chance of making it through. Then you will sneak into the FBI compound. You will breach the archway. You will confront the quill and cease the destruction of both of your worlds. Is that more or less what we're dealing with?

Yeah. I don't like when I hear people simplify a plan. It always thinks it sounds silly. Yeah, it took us a whole, like an hour to come up with it. And did you get the part where we're going to find the quail and just crush its heart or whatever, like destroy its egg or wherever it lives? It's quail, champ. Yeah, that's what I said.

You said quail like a big old bird, but it ain't. Wait, what are you saying? No, quail. Quill. Quail. Quail. Quail. Cuell. Cuell.

Cuell. You said quail, man, quail. You said quail, it's quail. The mothman grabs your wrist duck and looks at the watch on it. He says, boy, howdy, I sure hope that those aren't several minutes that we will need to prevent the apocalypse because they are gone now. I came here to tell you there's a problem with your plan, and the problem is that it will fail. and everyone will die.

No, it's not that, Aubrey. The quell is a tangible thing, and right now it's using everything under its power to try and knock down the door leading to your world. Think of it like pressure squeezing against the hull of a submarine. If you open the hatch, the main hat, I don't know that much about submarines, actually, so this is not...

So why did you invoke submarine? Yeah, there's not that many other great. An airplane? You open the main hatch of the airplane. I'm going to stick with submarines. Not only will the water come rushing in, the difference in pressure could cause a cataclysmic decompression. If you do that, if you open the door to the quell,

it will instantly lead to Kepler's destruction. Unless you can find some way to reduce the pressure that the quell is putting on the gateway between your worlds, I'm afraid that all the futures that I see are not going to be rewritten. Hmm. So what's the, I mean, what's the play? Oh, that's all I have.

Well? Oh, I see several dozen futures and all of them lead to the destruction of the world when you just pop open the door between yours. I was hoping that, and I don't know where your future site comes from, but Duck and Company and the chosen few. Did you're... And Thacker. Thacker's the name.

Thacker. Well, I meant the ones who have psychic visions. Do you have psychic visions, Thacker? I have some psychic powers. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for asking ahead of time. I thought you knew all this. Aren't you like a fortune teller?

I was being glib, but I guess, fuck me, I guess. Have your psychic visions revealed anything more optimistic, Thacker? Yeah, smarty pants. I see a future where we succeed and everybody is happy. and the Sylvain people is safe and happy, and the quell is, you know, behaving. And this, this forest ranger here gets a nice promotion. Okay, well, what sort of, this is all great?

What happens between now and then? Yeah, show your work, Thacker. Well, I ain't an Ostradamus. I ain't got it all ripped down or nothing. It's just, I just have a general feeling. Everything's going to be all right. Sue me. Thacker, I know we don't know.

each other that well, but what you're talking about is optimism. And frankly, we don't have much room for it currently. What Andrew, what could lower the pressure, I guess? I don't know.

Our metaphors are a little bit labored at this point. So we need to, just to recap, there's pressure pushing on that side of the door, right? If we open the door, dead. So we need to do something to distract or to pull the put take the pressure off but we can't get over there

to do it without opening the door all right i had a vision and i know i don't put it a lot of stock in them either honestly they've been pretty pretty much bummers this point um but it was minerva you opened a bunch of different doors all at once Maybe that could make a vent. She looks surprised. She looks surprised when you say that. Why do you look surprised when I say that? She says, because I did not have that vision, Doc Newton.

I assumed that the source of our visions were that. Leo, Dr. Drake, did you see this vision? Every time you say Dr. Drake, I get so confused. Why? Because I think you're saying, Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Drake Romare is Joey's character from Friends on the soap opera he's on. Okay. There's also Professor Ludwig von Drake, which is a different.

This is Dr. Serra Jake. Both of them shake their heads. It is interesting to think about we have characters named Pigeon, Duck, and Drake. Yeah, sure. They both shake their heads, no. And Minerva turns and says, Duck, it seems like you have had, I watched a VHS of a movie called Minority Report, and it was delightful, and there was a science fiction adventure that took place, and it also had sci-fi future psychics in it, and it was different from how I do it. But it seems like you did one of those, and now I guess you're going to have to stop being framed for your own wife's murder or something?

No. Well, no, that's the thing about the precogs, is that they would sometimes have different visions about how they, the future would play out. That's what the minority report was. Y'all, we're missing the most important thing. Minerva, what did you think of all the I stuff in Minority Report? Because it really bothered me. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

I've disemboweled plenty of opponents in my time, but even that, you hate to see that happened. Hey, was Peter Stormair a bit much or what? A little bit. What do you think, honestly? I suppose I could open several rifts to Sylvan. but not without some sort of knowledge of where it is, without some sort of connection to the world. The only way I see that happening is if I am able to open them simultaneously alongside of the archway.

If we can find some way to get to the archway and open it up and synchronize perfectly the opening of that gate and to all of my riffs, then possibly I could do it. We're still going to get a lot of quail coming out, if I understand the physics of this entity correctly. Yeah, but at that point, we then can have, instead of one point, several points and like a whole bunch of people fighting, right, instead of one thing, right? Isn't that better? As you say that, Intred's, like, head leans backwards, and you see him just kind of, like, freeze in place. And then he... So you have to sneeze? He sighs, and he...

looks around and he says, interesting. You're trading one trouble for another, if I'm being honest. You are going to invite the quell in large quantities over into our, well, I guess your world, technically, and you're going to have to find some way to stop it from running wild. But if you do that, then the away mission may have a chance of success. What about a moat? No, okay, that's fine. Yep, cool. Even as I said it, I knew that wasn't it. That's fine. Keep on.

Minerva says, I will have to put them somewhere, though. I will have to open these doors somewhere, and they will have to be defendable positions, and we will need people at them to defend. They have to also be within my line of sight, if I'm going to open them. I can open as many as we need, but I will need to be able to see them all in order to do so. So I will need a vantage point. I do not know this town as well as other people in this room. I don't know why I said, that like that, but finding those places and finding those defenders seems like a task for the locals, yes? Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. You know, it's making me wonder if maybe, would it be a mistake to pit the quail against the FBI? Yeah. I mean, that seems bad to hear it. When you said it, did it feel bad? It felt bad to say it.

All right. So what's the plan here, y'all? We're getting really bogged down in mumbo-jumbo. It seems like if we need a high vantage point, even without its top, that's Mount Kepler, right? It's kind of a mason now, though, right? I mean, you ain't really much of a mountain anymore. Sure. Kirby says, I mean, the problem with that is there's no way up.

The top side. Finniculars are the only way up. I mean, I guess you could take a pretty long walk through the Monongahela and get there. And, you know, the tramway is locked down by some. FBI type, so there's no going up there. I mean, you can see the whole town from Topside. That ain't a problem. It's just a question of getting up there is not a guarantee.

Hey, can any of you superheroes fly? I mean, like in them Marvel movies? By the way, did anything ever come of those? Did they... Oh, boy, Thacker. All right. Hey, let's postpone this apocalypse. We got some movies to watch.

Yeah, I'm just asking. So none of y'all fly? No. You got all these powers and magics and stuff. Mothman raises his hand. Well, technically, yeah. Oh, great. Perfect.

Hell yeah, Moth, man. You could just carry us up there in a big basket. Um, we can, see, that's the kind of thinking outside the box that I like out of you, Duckman. That would definitely speed this conversation up. Um, I mean, I've been doing a bit of hot yoga. So I imagine my endurance has increased somewhat. Um, if you'd like, I could also just like, grab.

the guard watching the finicular train and fly him way high up and drop him. Yeah, let's do that. Well, hold on now, shit. I'm just saying there's lots of ways to skin a cat. There's no reason to send this innocent man off to Beef City just because we want to ride the sky train. We can probably just knock him out. Yeah, we'll just knock him out. You know, I bet, with Indraud's ability to see the future, he could judge exactly exactly

how high to drop the guard from to just knock him out and not squeeze him. Or look in the future and see when he has to take a pee. And then when he goes to take a pee, you sneak in, jump on the front of the hill you go. Hey, just real quick, because I've been gone for a hunter two now. Are all of your plan making sessions this sort of slapstick? Or is the suspect? Or do you only get this zany when it's time for the apocalypse? You can always tell how big the challenge is by how zany we are.

It's a direct correlation, one for one. So here's the plan. We're going to hijack the funicular, at which point we're going to head up to topside. We need to get Minerva to a good vantage point where she can see. She's going to open the portals to vent after we've distracted the air. FBI agents and we've gotten close to the gate. She will open them as we cross through the gate and everybody left on this sign is going to fight the quill and distract it while we try to find the heart of the quill. And I'm still holding that hope, maybe finding Sylvain too,

balancing that whole mother effort out and make it that okay. Does that sound about right to everybody? I mean, it sounds like the stuff we've been talking about. I don't know they use the word right. It sounds like we are opening up several doors to hell and inviting the demons and what have you over into Kepler. But I mean, we got swords

and stuff. The three of us are covered, swords wise. Actually, Dr. Drake, remind me, got to get you a sword, but I think we may be a little bit short-handed. We're going to need some help. Ideally, we could get the whole town, although we'd have to do so without the FBI finding out. And we got

what? Half a day? to get everybody organized and set up in these discrete battlefields around town? Like, you know, if we're going to do this, we need to get moving. Well, sounds like we need a montage. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Punching meat, running up the steps. Indrant's washing the crepes by Monica van in a tank top. I think we should try.

I think we should try for the, I think we need to try for the Hornets first. I agree. They're pretty. Right. I mean. Okay. So that's where you all are going first. Are you all traveling as one, one unit?

I think that will be more narratively interesting. Okay. Yeah, I agree. I think it's like, it's easier. Does it, I mean, is the FBI not going to get distracted when we open up crazy little holes to the nether realm? If the vents open up at the exact same time as the archway, then you would need the distraction before the vents.

Yeah, it has to happen at the same time. Right. So we do still need the motorcycle super stunt show. Right. You could also use them to help fight, but, you know, they do. Are they not, are they not in on this meeting? No. Hollis and Keith?

No, I mean, you guys haven't, haven't, we haven't had that moment of reconciliation with them yet. So we agreed that the next important part is we go talk to the Hornets and then we go talk to Winthrop and Murphy. The next most important part, right? We can all agree. Winthrop and Murphy is number two. Yes. Is it best, have I talked to Hollis and Keith?

I mean, I've... I got a flyer I could take. I got kind of an angle to take, maybe. What do you think of that? Maybe Thacker knew them when they were younger. Maybe when they were kids. Maybe they came out and did some of the Kepler expeditions. I think that's for sure true.

Yeah, I think that that would be true. I think it's probably our back. Considering our current relationships with all the Hornets, like, that's probably Best play. Okay, so you all are going to the destroyed rubble that used to be the Hornets Nest? They're probably somewhere else, right? It's been two months. Why are they sitting in Rubble?

Well, actually. I'm just like, there used to be a jute box here. Actually, you do find them at the remains of the Hornets Nest. The sort of road off the main drag that led to this, this bar has been sort of, of crudely rebuilt after just being obliterated by the falling mountain top. The ground has been manually leveled out and there's just a bunch of gravel leading to this, you know, makeshift construction site where the Hornets are now sort of working to rebuild their headquarters. And you can tell as you as you show up here that their ranks have thinned since the collapse. You see

Keith and Hollis and they're hard at work alongside 10 or so other Hornets. And there's a group of hornets and they're all sitting in the shade of a nearby tree eating like an early lunch and what are they eating? Uh, sandwiches and they, uh, this group probably is the one that notices your approach and they set their food down and,

um, uh, they, they start walking in your direction. Hi everybody. It's really coming along. Keith and Hollis turned to face you and, uh,

Hollis is like instantly kind of upset. set that you are there. Aubrey, Keith just looks like so fucking tired. And he just turns back to his work. And Hollis walks over and joins the group of hornets that have sort of come to confront you all. And Hollis says, what the fuck do you want? Hey, Hollis, could we maybe talk to you, you know, in private, just one and one. It's kind of a big conversation, you know? Hollis grabs a rag and wipes some sweat off their brow and sets it down and looks at the three of you and looks at you Thacker and says Thacker, Thacker, where the fuck have you been? Hey, Hollis, how you doing, sport?

Oh, not crazy about that, but as you can see, and they gesture backwards to the ruins. and Hollis says, yeah, not great, not great. Yeah, thanks to these two, Kepler finds itself in a state of disrepair, you might say. Not sure how much you missed. Yeah, I don't remember you being such a pain to ass, Hollis. I mean, you know, six, seven years ago, you seem a little bit more open-minded than you are now. Listen, these folks, I haven't been here, but, you know, from everything they told me, these folks have been doing the best. they can they've got a pretty big situation to deal with and you know instead of being a jerk about it why don't

you flash back to that that person that i knew years ago when you you were excited about life you were excited about working and and when there was a bad situation you always told me you always said mr thacker when something bad happens to kepper i want to make sure i'm there to make it better so here's your chance. These folks have been doing the best they can. And so instead of fighting them every step of the way, why don't you help them out a little bit? Did they tell you what I tried to do? I've heard bits and pieces. I'm in and out. What doesn't matter what you tried to do? What doesn't matter what you've done before? Because Thacker, I fucking tried to do exactly what you just said. The problem is that they decided that they were the only ones who were allowed to help Kepler out.

They were the only ones who were allowed to save Kepler in their hour of need. And, hey, straight up, like, straight up, Paulus, we might have been fucking wrong. I mean, I, I don't know. We might not have been right about it. Here's what I'm saying now, right? shit's about to break real bad I can see the future

a little bit my friend the moth I can see the future a little bit not great I have dreams that come to pass or don't so but my friend the moth man is like wild

my friend the moth man my friend the mothman hey listen listen hollis you want to play in the twilight zone here we go come on my friend the moth man can see the future

and it's gonna break real real fucking bad. Here's what I'm going to say. Maybe we're right, maybe we were wrong about cutting y'all out. I have absolutely no clue. But I do know that if y'all don't help us come beat some ass

against the force of evil, where we are all just tremendously screwed. I think we've reached the inflection point of manipulate someone. And I think I feel like Duck's the one to do. I feel like Duck is the

who first laid out the this this plan and i think obri if you want roll help out uh and thacker you too i think all of you have have helped out so let's get those rolls first actually let's get obri and uh thacker rolling help out which is plus cool oh uh we i have rolled a seven plus zero a seven uh okay that is going to half thacker thacker is rolled a seven minus one which is a six Okay Thatker ain't cool Yeah that's Hollis just says

Thacker You were a pretty cool Sort of Camp counselor I don't know How to describe your job But like If you think that's gonna

Make me forget About monsters Coming in And slaying my friends Then I don't owe you Quite that much Um That's fine

I did teach how to make Lanyards But that's fun That's fine The lanyard You're wearing right now That lanyard around your neck

Duck roll Manipulate someone plus one plus cool Come on come on duck Oh What's your cool duck Two seven Plus one is an eight Plus one

Plus one is an eight But I mean seven and eight Still both make success right Yes It makes success they will do it But only if you show them something right now To show that you mean it You start explaining to Hollis what is going on

As per what out suggested. And Keith, Keith walks over and, you know, similarly, like, grabs a bottle of Gatorade and starts to cool off from this job. And pretty soon, just like all the Hornets are listening in, as you describe what's going on and describe the plan. And once you get close to the end, Hollis, you can tell, is still just, like, has their guard up. And Hollis says, we're not, like, antagonists in a Disney Channel original movie. Like the idea of us stunting over some lawmen to try and buy you all time to fight the big bad.

I don't... I want to save Kepler. I don't want to risk my neck and the necks of my whole crew for Sylvain and the people from there because as far as I know, they came to our home and started killing us without reservation.

The magic and monster stuff that y'all are into, we don't want anything to do with that. And then you all hear the gravel behind you crunching and turn back to see Jake Cool Ice, who just walks into the center of the circle where you all are describing all of this stuff to the Hornets and Keith and Hollis both look at Jake and he says,

All right. And he pulls his wrist cuff off. And his face just becomes this bulbous mound of white fur with these big, beady black eyes and a protruding snout with a wet black nose flanked by long whiskers, hanging over a wide, thin mouth. His hands just become these flippers that are barely poking out of his shirt sleeves. Jake Coolice has transformed into his true form a bipedal enormous harp seal. Ah. And he says,

it's not us, Hollis, whatever's doing this. It's not us. Yep. What Jake said. Yeah, I mean, there you go. Do you all know he could do that? Did you know he could do that?

Yeah. Not that. Exactly that, but something, yeah, I'd assume. You knew he could turn into something like a seal. Yes. Listen, Hollis, I mean, you know, Jake, you know a lot of folks around here. I'm betting you'd be surprised how many of them could pull that same trick. The fact of the matter is, we need you. And there are people here that live in Kepler, that are Kepler citizens that need you. Maybe they're not from Kepler, but they live in Kepler now. They are Kepler citizens,

and they need your help. And I think when it comes down to it, no matter what our differences are, and how you might feel about, you know, the monsters who have hurt people. I think when it comes down to it, you want to help people who are good. Hollis sighs and is just kind of frozen and says, Look, I just, I don't. And as they're saying that Keith walks over to a nearby bench and picks up his helmet and walks back over to the group and he says, Ah man

And Hollis kind of freezes as they look at Keith And look back at the whole group And sees other people walking over to grab their helmets And Hollis smiles And looks down at the ground It just kind of shakes their head And then looks back up and says Well

I guess that's a consensus Where do you need us? Hey everybody, this is Griffin McElroy Your Dungeon Master, your best friend And your big time, big party boy all about it, all about dancing and having a good time. Thanks for listening to Episode 31 of Taz Amnesty as we are sort of building up to the climax. God, there was no way out of that sentence, but this is the final arc.

And we've actually recorded, we've got a little bit of stockpile prepared because we're about to go on our book tour. And I'm very excited about where this arc is going. So I hope you are excited to hear that. And I also hope you're excited to hear about our. sponsors. Hey, thank you to everybody who has been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. Y'all have been real kind to us. Well, you've been kind to us for, you know, as long as we've been doing the show, but especially as we move into the finale of Amnesty, y'all have been so, so, so supportive. And it just, it means the world. This is very stressful for, for all of us as we

try to wrap this up in a satisfying way. And your support has been just lovely. Next episode is going to go up in two weeks, in two Thursdays. So that is going to be, on July 25th. So we'll see you then. Bye. So, you know, you got limited time. What all do you all want to get done next? Like, what resources are you going to try and shore up before it's business time?

Aubrey, we'd like to go talk to Sheriff Zeeke and Goes Dewey. Okay. Yes. That is sort of the Sheriff's Department faction. And that, I think, makes sense. Are you all going with them? Um, you know what? I think that there's going to be a lot of shit going down in the woods and, you know, in the, in the, the park more or less.

Why doesn't Thacker go talk to the people with the Forest Service? Because I assume Duck's going to be busy dealing with something else. Yeah, I mean, Duck, how do you feel about that? Yeah, that's fine. You go talk to Juno. Yeah, I know who I need to talk to. Wait a minute, Juno, Juno Divine? Yeah, she's, she's in the Forest Service.

Yeah, I believe it or not. Well, no, it makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense. She, she loved divorce. That, oh, I love it when something happened. Did you just do a player to character cross-faced? That was so fucking wild. I've never seen anything like that on this podcast before.

That melted my brain. It was like Clint started the sentence and then Thacker ended the sentence. Okay, so, Duck, you want to talk to somebody else? Yeah, I want to talk to Muffy and Winthrop, of course. Sure. The most important. Yeah. Hardens soldiers.

Okay. Thacker, you make your way toward the Forest Service station in the Monongahila. And I think it's probably, it's pretty tricky getting there. First of all, I know that you know these woods. It was sort of your job to know these woods, but it's been. in six years since you've had to do it. So I don't know how much since memory is guiding you through. But also, like, you kind of got to take a weird route if you don't want to hit the,

you know, the checkpoint on the west side of town going off the highway. And since top side is like out of service as well, like there's just, you're not going through a well-worn trail. You're kind of having to blaze your own. But after, you know, quite a bit of hiking, you find the, the ranger service station building and through the windows you see it is unoccupied save for Juno Devine who you see looking at something intently on a table in the center of the building. Thacker taps on the window.

You scare the shit out of her. Yeah, that happens. She looked. And he kind of gives a little wave and kind of a sheepish little grin. She takes a second. You get no recognition from her for just a flash and then her eyes open wide and she mouths an expletive and she rushes to the front door

and throws it open and runs up to you and stops for a second and then jumps in and gives you a big bear hug and she pulls herself away and says where the hell have you been Thacker

well I was on a little adventure that's kind of what I'm here to talk to you about I mean where'd you got like the Adirondacks like six years Thack you could have written me a letter or something? No, no. Postal Service kind of sucks where I was. I was, I crossed over into Sylvain. I had made a little mission to do, and it kind of went down the old toilet, and took me about six years to get back, and when I got back, oh, as you know, things have just, they're

The pooch has been thoroughly screwed while I was gone. And so, yeah, I was in communicato. And now look at you. You're in the Forest Service. How neat is that? This, like, warm reception she's given you. As soon as you mentioned that you crossed over into Sylvain, it just vanishes instantly.

And you are speaking to her sort of excitedly like this to, you know, a fairly grim expression. Now, and she says, yeah, it's been a big six years. Why don't you come inside, Thacker? And she saunters back into the station and shuts the door behind you. And you see a map of the Monongahela National Forest with sort of Kepler down in the corner of it. And you can see that she has this big sort of oblong shape. that it takes you a second to like figure out what it is and then you realize it's the

perimeter that the FBI has has drawn around the archway it's the section of topside and of the forest that they have kind of closed off and um she walks over to a little uh cabinet next to the next to a stove a small stove that's in here and she says you want some coffee tea what what do what do you what's your jam now did it change when you crossed over into the alien planted or what's up? No, I would love some tea. Do you have them Milano's? I love them Malanos. I haven't had one in any for a long time. And you know, they come in the package and they're real fancy and they got their own little white paper cups that they sit in. She walks over to a stool in the corner and grabs it and then stands on it and then on top of the cabinet she has hidden a secret

stockpile of Milano cookies, which she walks over and pops open and sort of holds the open package towards you. I feel like everybody hides their Milano cookies. I feel like you have Milano's their hidden. Mine are hidden from myself, but... She says,

gotta be honest, Thacker, it's good to see you. It's less good to find out that you've been tied up in all this alien monster business because have you seen what they have done to our forest? And she gestures towards the map.

Um, yes, I have. I have, you know, and it's, it's sad and it sucks. Uh, and I got, I got a way that, you can help make it better. How's that sound? I mean, I can appreciate that, but we are the Monongahela National Forest Service. I, I don't think we outrank the, the FBI there. We're getting absolutely trampled on here, Thacker. Uh, they're just, how you, how do you, how do you, how do you, how do you, feel about that, you know? I mean, it's bullshit. Like, I know this is a sort of unprecedented, there isn't necessarily an order of operations from the Monongahela National Forest Service to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but I'm pretty sure that it's, it's not supposed to work like this. And she gestures to the map, and she says, they don't have jurisdiction. They can't just come in

and, you know, fuck up the forest whenever they want to. And what, what, you should do something about that then, right? What the one am I going to do that? You're saying, they have. I, Again, is the FBI, I work for the Forest Service. I realize that. But here's what I want to know. Are you so locked into protocol? Are you so locked into the bureaucracy that your love of this forest is going to be dictated by a bunch of rules by a bunch of people sitting in Washington, D.C.? This is probably where you are manipulating someone, unless I don't know what the,

searchers like movesets are, I don't know if you have some special thing that allows you to, you know, try and compel somebody to have you, you know, he's got, he's got nothing. He's got no charm. Okay, he's the anti-en. He's got no charm. He's got no, I mean, he, no, most of his stuff is sensing stuff. Okay. Go ahead and roll, manipulate someone plus charm.

Uh, if you are asking for her help in the plan and, uh, you know, using her love of this forest, and disdain for the bureaucracy that is sort of ruining it as the fulcrum for that. Okay. Yeah. Plus charm?

It's a sit. No charm. Zero charm. For Arlo Thacker, that's a six. That is a hard failure unless you want to use a luck point. You do have all of your Thacker luck points, Beck.

I guess you've started, I guess I... The luckiest guy on earth. Oh, I do, don't I? I'll use a luck point Don't use it if you don't want to I'm using it I'm using that luck point Don't try to stop me Okay oh my

That bumps it up to a 12 You see Juno Sye and then she like She pounds on the map on the table And then she does it again a second time And pulls her hand away and says All right fuck it yep Sorry for cousin yep

Let's yep what is the plan What's the plan? Are we gonna like All right here's listen This is the thing No bombs right no bombs no no no An armed insurrection. No. Okay.

No, this is not a, you do not have to take a proactive rule move. I'm just saying, we're going to be trying to get past the FBI. We're going to, we're trying to find out, you know, things like where is Agent Sturm? And I really want to find Mama, but I don't know how high that is in the priority of this. But we're going to be in and out of this force. I only came to you because I'm. I'm trying to show you respect and I'm trying to keep you in the loop. You don't got to do nothing except maybe if you see us skulking through the woods,

you know, look another way. Well, I mean, and being ready in case things go south, which they probably will. I mean, I can keep an eye out for you, but if you go skulking through the woods trying to get toward that compound, then their sensors are almost certainly going to find you first. I bet a clever person like you could figure out a way around those sensors, though, right? You know, Thacker, I think a clever person like me may be able to find a way around those sensors. I thought, you know, from that day we sat by the stream and looked at your sketchbook, I knew there was something special about you, Juno Devine.

That I'm going to help you do a federal crime. Aubrey, you make your way over to the sheriff station, which is, it was just kind of just off the path of destruction when the mountaintop fell, as you can see. And so you can see that sort of off in the distance as you approach. And you walk into the front door. And at the main desk there, you see Detective Megan walk out from the back room. And she says, hi, welcome to the Kepler Sheriff's. and she locks eyes with you and I think the last time you saw her

you did magic with your hands and it made her blackout and she says what do you how can I help you? Hi! I'm looking for Sheriff Zieg please. Are you gonna burn him up or you can... No! I just, I need to talk to him. I need his help. And if I'm being honest, detective, probably your help too. And if Dewey's around, is he around?

I admittedly should have checked in on that a lot sooner than now. Are you going to avat a cadaver me? Are you going to take me right to Chicago with your spells? No. You can stay right here. No one needs to go to Chicago. I think Sheriff Owens opens the door into his office, and you see him poke his head out and he looks at Detective Megan and just kind of sighs and looks at you and says,

get the hell in here, Aubrey. Okay. Retreats inside. And you step into his office and he shuts the door behind you and walks over to his desk. And it is a, it's a mess. It is full of paperwork that you assume is coming from sort of the federal level that he maybe doesn't know how to deal with. and he looks up at you from just this pile of red tape and he says not to like lay it on but y'all know this is your fault right you tell me about this way

sooner we could have dealt with it ourselves instead of losing half our town to the fucking powers that be listen there's a part of me that wants to just sit here uh and and say yes you're right you're right but i will say that's uh some monday morning quarterbacking And it's easy to say that now. But if things had gone really well, and you all hadn't known about it, you'd be sleeping a lot better at night. You all wouldn't have so much to worry about. And it would have been fine. So yes, things have come to a head.

And maybe you would have been different if we included you sooner. But that wasn't really up to me at that point. And we're including you now, which seems like we're. taking a step forward. Oh, you're including me now. Yes. Awesome. Oh, great.

Cool. Yeah. Cool. So what is it? What's the big plan? We're going to strap on proton packs and go get them? Well, I don't care for the tone. It's just, I don't know what kind of fucking hairbrain scheme you and the rest of them

kryptonomica folks are whipping up. But like, if you think that- We're an honesty, folks, please don't brand us as cryptonomica folks. That makes it sound like weird. Amnesty. That's nice. That's a nice word. I appreciate you thinking to me, Aubrey.

Oh, gosh, I do. But just banish the thought of me being able to do anything to help out. I'm not going to make an enemy of the fucking FBI. That's nonsense. You wanted us to let you in on it sooner, right? You wanted us to tell you what's up, right? And we didn't. And you're pissed.

Yes. I get that. Okay, cool. Here's your chance. If we don't do something tonight, our world is going to end. So I guess the question you need to ask yourself is, what's worse?

Making an enemy of the FBI or everything suddenly being nothing. I mean, neither sounds great if I'm being honest. Yeah, but I didn't really ask that, did I, Sheriff? Which one sounds worse? You hear a voice come from the supply closet adjacent and it says, I think the world in and it sounds worse.

Did you put Dewey in the closet? I didn't put Dewey damn nowhere. That's where he likes to hang out. And Dewey just phases through the door and he's like, Nobody puts Dewey in the closet. Dewey phases through the door and he says, I do like it in there. It's darker.

Helps me think my thoughts. That's nice. Hey, Dewey, do you want to help us? Yeah, I guess. You're the one that's sort of my spectral mom, if you think about it. So I think I am. I do owe you a sort of life debt.

So, and the sheriff says, Dewey, this is weird, man. I'm telling you, you don't want to team up with them. They are harbingers of death, the whole lot of them. Listen, I got, I got family into, I got my son to think about. I can't just, I can't just throw away my life, running afoul of the federal government because some magician came into my office and told me that the apocalypse is about a what? Wizard, I can do real.

I guess both. I mean, both are accurate at this point, I guess. Here's the thing. Let's not get hung up a minute. You mentioned your son, right? Yep. There's lots of lives at stake here, Sheriff. Lots of people's sons, lots of people's daughters, lots of people's children.

Lots of people, everyone, everyone on this world and the next, literally, are in trouble. And we got a town full of folks who are the only ones who can do anything to save the world. I wish this wasn't the case. listen, I have a lot of fun going on these adventures and fighting monsters and doing magic and stuff, but I lost one of my best friends two months ago. I know how scary and permanent this shit can be, and I know how much easier it would be if we could all just keep our heads down and not piss people off and make the easy decisions. But that's not what it's like. when you have the responsibility of protecting people, you don't get to make easy decisions.

You don't get to keep your head down. You don't get safety. And I think you understand that more than most people in this town. I think that that is as strong a cases you're going to be able to give, I think manipulate. Someone, roll plus charm. That is a seven plus one, an eight. They'll do something if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it.

He says, how many other folks have you got on board with this hairbrain scheme there, Aubrey? Well, and you might not like this, admittedly, but the Hornets are going to help. Cool, cool, great. This is getting better and better. Yeah, I figured. We got a big, powerful alien woman. Leo, what's the general story? He's actually a chosen warrior. He's going to help. Dr. Drake, the scientist from the telescope. She's actually a chosen warrior. She's going to help.

Cool. You got a whole sort of... Barclay's Bigfoot. He's going to help. Barclay's fucking what? He's big foot. Jake is a seal. He's going to help.

Hold up. You don't have to list them all out. I wanted to make sure you had the muscle. Mothman's going to help. Oh, you're melting my fucking brain. Just give me a second to say what I'm going to say, Aubrey. The guy who looks like that movie. He's gonna help. He's really a Billy goat in real life.

Everyone in town knew that one. That one, everyone knew. Yeah, that one. That one, everyone got. Although I do like the fiction that maybe Kepler, the citizens of Kepler accepted that J.D. Salinger, like, he had just moved to their town, right? And he's just like living there. But if you try, he loves his privacy, because he's happy to be out of limelight. So if you talk to him, all he'll do is sheep noises.

Have we all forgotten his name? Billy? No. No, the actor. I cannot conjure his name. Travis forgot it and it made me forget it. Ryan Gosling? Thank you, Jesus.

That was weird, Trave. You're forgetting it made me forget it. I pulled it out of your brain. I destroyed it. I'll make you... God. I'll make you deal. I'll help you out.

I'll do whatever you want. I ain't going to go to war with the FBI, but whatever else y'all need. I can lend a hand, but you're going to leave... You gotta leave Calvin out of it. You gotta make sure that he stays safe. If things really do break bad in Kepler tonight,

I'm not gonna risk my son's life, you know, go into bat for y'all. I hope y'all can at least understand that. Yeah, no, absolutely. I totally get that. Well, all right. So, what is my involvement gonna look like and how many laws am I going to?

gonna have to break in order to do it. You know, I'd rather think of it as just breaking one big law. That's gonna help me feel better about the whole thing. But yeah, I'll run you through what we're doing. I think probably we're gonna need you leading the kind of ground forces here to make sure everybody's ready to stop this big evil thing that's coming through. I'll tell you all about it. Also, and this is just a side note.

You don't have any way to, like, get a message to Agent Stern, do you? The FBI dude? Yeah. Okay. Just let him know that shit might go down, but in a really vague way that doesn't make it so that they come for us ahead of time. Even as I'm saying it, I know it's a big app. It is poppycock. Aubrey, I mean, I only met the dude once.

We didn't exchange numbers or nothing like that. I don't know how much sway you think I have up with the... the FBI, but I can assure you the answer is basically none. Okay, okay. Your help with the people on the ground and, you know, just being there as a calming, well-trained presence, I think will help a lot. Yeah? Great.

Dewey, you're in too, right? Hell yeah, man. What are we going to be doing? Well, you know, I was just thinking, man, you know what's really distracting? and also doesn't have to worry about gunfire, a ghost. Yeah, man, can't kill me twice, I think. Yep. I'm trapped on this mortal plane walking as a specter for the rest of time.

Well, that makes me feel bad, but... It's like they say, kill me once. Shame on you. Kill me twice. Don't make sense. Duck. I don't know where this scene takes place, Duck, Duck-ilus. Is it their living room.

Okay. Where is their living room? I think that, I mean... In their house? Yeah, their house would almost certainly be on top side. Like, I think, we can fudge it. Maybe they're just in a really nice part of Riverside. Maybe it's at his, like, office.

Okay. What is, where does... On the other side of City Hall, near Darrell's Bait and CrossFit. Wow, that's a busy block, huh? Well, yeah, it's city... Well, bud, we only have the six of them. How about it's across from St. Francis? How's that? Is that better?

Yeah, sure. That's the hospital. Okay. Yeah, he works in, like, hospital administration. Didn't that feel right? Okay, I like that. Yeah, that feels right. His offices across the street in his administrative building.

Okay. So I asked him and Muffy to come down. All right, adding this to the map. You arrive at this building that didn't exist 15 seconds ago, and it looks like... Yes, it did. It always existed. It was just beneath the stone. We had to deploy the stone.

It looks like a building. No, this is just like a... There's probably a sky bridge connecting the main hospital and the administrative building. and reception shows you up. And I think that the office building is mostly empty at this point. There are probably a lot of commuters into Kepler who are just not allowed in town, but you know what Muffy and Winthrop, they are, they're staples of the community. And you find them in Winthrop's big corner office.

And they just look at you judgmentally as you enter. Yeah, never mind. Nope, I can't do it I can't do it I'm out Sorry to waste your time Bye I'm leaving bye

Uh Okay If that's uh I guess that's more time That me and Muffy can spend Playing Mancala God Listen to yourself

How you sound God What's wrong with how we sound We're just talking about playing Mancala All right All right You know what

I'm gonna get myself Fucking 60 seconds And I'm just gonna say this I'm gonna get the fuck out A Team Rocket HQ God All right. So here's the deal.

I know about the hunting club. They look at each other nervously as I look at you, Justin, nervously. I know about the hunting club. I know that you and all your rich friends are out there in the forest with illicitly hunting protected species. I know about it. My boss said that, you know, You know this guy. He knows this guy.

You know that guy. Whatever. On and on and on and on. And I couldn't go after it. But I know about the hunting club. And you know what? There's no one left to tell me that I can't go after it. Let's establish that.

All right. I know. But here's the good news. I'm willing to turn a blind eye. And only because if this doesn't work, There's not going to be any animals to worry about anyway, so what the fuck do I care? I'm willing to turn a blind eye. And in exchange, I'm offering you and all your garbage friends a chance at the greatest hunt of all.

Man? No, actually, for a long time, they thought it was man. But it turns out it's fucking angry demons from a... hell planet. That's kind of the number one. We're cool as hell to hunt. We're a very strong, very compelling number two. But no, it is demons. I want you and all of your, the trash people that you associate with to get your guns and your whatever, fucking mink stole or whatever you dullards wear, and come on out and shoot some fucking demons with us. So we might have a solitary shot of making it through the night.

Man, I think manipulate, I guess manipulate someone? Unless you, what was the thing you kept? Oh, the thing you kept was a escape plan. Yeah, no, it's a skate. Yeah, I'm going to try it. This is manipulate someone for sure, plus charm. Yeah. Please roll good.

God, I want this to work so badly. Ha ha! That's a nine. That's a nine plus charm. Ten. That's a complete success. Okay. Oh man, all those people who loved Muffy and Winthrop

Before this moment just found out they were poachers Yeah, it's not great Winthrop Oh no, all my Muffy and Winthrop cosplay Yeah, Muffy says Oh dear Muffy, it sounds like it could be a real treat Hunting Damans from the other realm And Winthrop says, oh, I've always treated

You make a hard case, Duck Nudy And you're willing to turn the other way turn the other cheek. That's not what that means, but... Yeah, I guess. Yeah. You've convinced me it sounds like a real hoot. And Winthrop gets a key out of his pocket and opens up a drawer in his desk and you see him pull out and slip on a signet ring that he walks over to a picture of him and Muffy on a speedboat hanging on the wall and moves it out of the way and enters the signet ring into a whole. hole which he turns and then a panel rotates out revealing a black phone which Winthrop picks up

and presses a single button on and then you hear him speaking in Latin for several minutes and he pulls his ear away from the receiver and he mouse what time what time are we? I mean it's going to kick off at 9.30. Okay. And we, but if they could get there a few minutes early, it would be there's really no need to wait to the last minute. We'll say 9.15, and that way they'll actually be there at 9.30. Oh, okay.

Sorry. I don't know Latin. Now, that was it. That's all the Latin there is. And Muffy stands up and reaches into her big, big purse and pulls out another signet ring and hands it to you. And she says, just in case you, you know, decide that tonight is fun. and you decide it seems like you can maybe keep a secret? And she raises her eyebrows.

Would you like to join the shadow brethren or? Jesus Christ. Goodbye. I'm walking out the door. Oh, fuck. All hail, Muvian Winthrop. The last great hope for planet earth. Maximumfund.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, I'm Janet Varney. And like many of you, Some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were, too, including wonderful women like Alison Brie. I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym.

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