The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 33

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

The Department of Unexplained Phenomena’s grip on Kepler’s topside begins to loosen as The Pine Guard attempts to infiltrate their compound. A deadline approaches. The Quell is waiting. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. I'm here to put an end to a threat that few people, even within my own department, believes, exists in the first place. All I ask is that the next time I ring your bell, you come running. We're going to head up to Topside. She's going to open the portals to vent after we've distracted the FBI agents and we've gotten close to the gate. And then your perspective changes as if you just jumped into this void and you go down and down.

and you see the bright red heart of the quell. That had nothing to do with peyote. You see like silhouettes of these guards catching each other in their flashlights, and then 12 headlights illuminate all at once, and they slip in formation down the far bank of a creek and then launch out of the opposite side, and the moon illuminates the trajectory of the Hornet's last flight. The cricket song of the Monongahela National Forest erupts into chaos.

Flashlights and headlights dance between the trees, scored by panic shouts and roaring engines. The Hornets complete stylish, taunting laps around Amnesty Lodge, leading the FBI response unit on a wild goose chase deeper into the woods. The three of you, along with the three other chosen, Barclay, and Janelle in tow, use the distraction to sprint toward the lights of the main facility ahead. Fecker hacks through the brush, carving an unseen path in the wilderness toward their destination. Minerva holds up a meaty hand, and your party pauses.

Hollis screams by, pursued by a half-dozen armed guards. They pass and you proceed. Finally, you arrive at the source of the brilliant white light you followed through the forest. It's a vast, makeshift installation built of rigid canvas and thick sheets of secure paneling, illuminated from within and without mirroring the full moon that has begun to peak over. over a crumbling Mount Kepler. A slender metal door is the only interruption of this light and the only means of accessing this facility.

Beside it, a keypad is bolted to the wall. And Dr. Drake says, well, guess that's it. Uh, no bowl effort, y'all, but, you know, the door's locked. So go get a sixer at Brewsters and you can have him back to my place and play some board games or something? Yeah, I mean, we had a good run. But hey, win some.

lose some. We've literally just encountered the first obstacle. Well, I'd argue the keypad. Look at it. Yeah, I'd argue the first obstacle was the gate with the cameras that you and the other Harry Potter kind of screwed the old

pooch on. We have reached the second obstacle. Now, let me try. Hold on. And I pressed seven. No, it's not seven. Try one, two, three, four, five. Try one, two, three, four, five.

One, two, three, four, five. Do I notice any, I'm pressing through those numbers? Do I notice any sort of like different reaction that would give me an idea of like how many numbers I'm supposed to enter? I have just realized, hi, this is Griffin. I've just realized that the last time I gave you a keypad lock puzzle

was at the end of balance and you all just, I forget what wild solution you came. But I also remember it took you 25 minutes to get through it. It was the whole. Thacker has an idea. Okay. Wait, I want to answer to my question first. No, you don't.

It's probably one of those things where you have to press the star button at the end of it, so you really don't even have any way of knowing how many numbers it's supposed to be. Okay, all right. You said it was made out of canvas. Could we not, like, cut through it? You could certainly try. It's like a, it is a, it's not like a tent. It's not like a canvas tent.

It's like rigid, like cemented canvas material. But if you didn't want to try. I knew that is too easy, yeah. If you didn't want to try and smash through it, it's fine. Aubrey's going to lightning bolt the keypad. I mean, it works so good last time. Well, we're going to try, and away we go. Let's see that number.

Let's see that big number. Okay, that's an eight. And then I have a plus three to Magic minus one, but it's still a 10. Okay. Yeah. That's a success. Yeah, that's a success. I think that that is, we're kind of fudging it a little bit

because I don't think kick some ass is even appropriate because it's not like this keypad's going to be like, no, you know what? Fuck you! Pull out like a gun. That is definitely enough to shock the door. And the keypad just like sparks come shooting out of it and it pops out of the wall cartoonishly.

And with that, the door slides open. And with that, Minerva turns to you, Duck, and she says, it's time, Duck Newton. I must take my position to open the vents at your signal. May I pull you aside for a moment? Yeah, sure, what's up? And she grabs you and walks you a little bit away from the facility while everybody else kind of crowds up around the door,

and she says, I have a confession, Duck Newton, and you must not share it with Dr. Drake or Leo Turkesian. Do you understand? Yeah. I can understand your hesitation. Last time I made a confession to you, it was how I obliterated an entire planet. But this one's not quite as bad.

It's pretty bad. It's kind of bad. It's still bad. It's still bad. When I made contact with this planet, when I chose a champion with which to share my powers and expertise, my ability to select that recipient was limited. You must understand. That process is complicated and taxing and, well, the people I chose, which is just to say you and Leo and Dr. Drake, they were essentially within a radius of a few dozen miles completely random. Okay.

You doing okay? So it's like, you're doing okay? You still, did you, was it ran, was the, okay, now wait, this is key. Is it like the, the area of the radius was random or your selection within said radius was random? The latter one. Which one would make you feel better? Well, like, if you had to pick everybody at my high school, I would still feel pretty good, right? Like, that would still feel, that would be like herodictorian, right?

Like, I would still be like the most heroic person at my high school, which is fine. The other one, complete randomness, is a little jarring. That will be a little bit tougher to swallow, yeah. I must also admit it was jarring to me. It caused me no amount of consternation when you decided to completely shrug off your destiny, Duck Newton. Yeah, but it seems like, one, you didn't answer the question, which is cool, I get it. Second, I mean, it doesn't sound like it was much of a destiny. It sounds more like a dice roll to me.

Now, listen, I did believe that for some time. But after seeing what you have done, seeing what you are capable of, I no longer believe that. I no longer believe the process actually was random. For whatever reason, by whatever providence, I found exactly the right person for this impossible task. You know, it's funny, Minerva, I've been in the mix here for a while now. And just by keeping my own eyes open, you know what I think?

What's that? I think that sometimes if we believe in people enough and we tell people that they can do great stuff, that a lot of times people surprise you. I don't think it's, you don't know a lot of humans, but from what I've seen, if you tell them that they're capable of great things, a lot of times they'll get there.

I agree, Duck Newton. Will you, will you kneel, Duck Newton? In subservience to you, my new overlord? No, no. Finally, the alien takeover has arrived. It is happening.

The conquest starts with me, slave numero uno. Duck Newton, organ farm. Let's go. Put me in a tube. It just humor me. It's for a ceremony, Duck Newton. You've spoiled the moment somewhat. Well, that's all right.

I'll go ahead and kneel then. She draws her sword and places it on your shoulder, and she says, Duck Newton, your powers, I believe they've begun to rival my own. as hard as that may be for you to believe, you are my ward no longer. By the light inside, between, and around, I name the a herald of the astral mind. And Leo and Dr. Drake are looking at you like,

okay, okay, this is cool, this is cool. And she leans down whenever I leaned down, she's like, that's a, I know that's new stuff, that's a big deal. Oh, awesome. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, for sure. There's not many. In for a penny, in for a pound. That's what I say. Yeah. So, um, and she stands you up. She says, I don't know what you're going to face today, but I trust with my whole heart in your ability to decide what is right and true and make that decision your reality. So good luck, my dear friend.

and she just crushes you with a big bear hug. Which I return, obviously. Okay. She says, ooh, those arms are getting beefy or friend? Yeah. I've got a regular gun store here. Now, it's a hug battle. And roll to hug some ass.

She's... Now, if you roll a 10 plus, you can hug extra ass. you suffer no hug at all now this is the makings of a new hot RPG now we got a game yeah she steps back away from you and Leo takes her side and she says he says yeah um

yeah I'm gonna go with her not that I think she's gonna need any help but you know just in case I don't want her trying to defend a position on her own two swords better than one right that's just math yeah it's math and he puts a hand on your shoulder he says

I was going to tell you to make us proud, Duck, but I don't think you're capable of doing anything but that. So do good work in there. Keep your elbows up. Remember, keep them a little bit tighter. And yeah, you're going to do fine. Hey, listen, I think I don't know really what to say other than you're an old guy who has taught me everything he knows.

And narratively, it would make a lot of sense for you to beef it. so I need you to have your head on a super swivel in there, right? I'm pretty sure I tried to cash my beef at chip already, and it bounced. So I think I'm good. You're mixing a fucking lot of metaphors here. There were like four metaphors. There was like four combined into one delicious slurry, and there's a fifth. Just go ahead and take care of yourself, okay?

Yeah, you got it. And he reaches into his pocket, and he pulls out a Slim Jim and he hands it to you. He says, I know you like these. You always come by getting up. You can, I don't know if you need to get some juice back in the tank. I just, you know, I don't want some protein, jam some protein in your hour of need. I don't know. This is nothing.

Wait, is this like a healing potion? Fuck. Magic Slim Jim. I could roleplay a gay elf with magical powers. I don't think I can rollplay someone who likes a beef jerky. That may be like too much for me, frankly. You told me that beef jerky is your life and you eat whatever meal. I don't understand.

you've ever made. Technically, it's not even beef jerky. Slim Jim is like some sort of reconstitated, a reconstitute of beef tube. Minerva just declared me one of the mystic knights of Tirin Anog, and I can no longer sell my body, my vessel of that charge

with any more of this stink meat. I understand. I guess I'll keep it as a treasured gift. The gesture's done. It's fine. No, I appreciate it. That's really nice. For sure. Randy Macho Man Savage were still alive.

he would be so pissed right now. Yeah. And with that, Leo jumps up on Minerva's shoulders as she just charges through the woods, just barreling through trees. He stops up and gets a piggyback ride. Yeah, he does. And yeah, the door is open. Inside you can kind of see a small little entry chamber where there appears to be some sort of security outpost that is,

now deserted, thanks to the motorbike stunts that are still happening out in the distance. And at the edge of this chamber, you see some plastic sheeting that is sort of acting as a door. And beyond it, you can see some lights and you hear some activity from behind that plastic sheeting. What do you do? Just based off of like our kind of understanding, of, you know, direction and geography? Is that the way towards the gate? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So let me explain. You have now breached into the main facility. It is one large sort of, it's one large building, essentially, that was sort of quickly constructed here by the FBI. And it is right, like, it's right behind Amnesty Lodge. So, yes, at the center of this facility, you assume is where the archway is. I think there's probably enough sort of like arboreal landmark.

around you for you to like know which way you need to go inside the building, right? Like at least which, which heading you need to take. So this is the entryway. This is like you essentially just have the one option moving forward here. Okay, but like- Thacker, it's clear there are some people behind this plastic sheeting, right? You would assume you hear, it is so obvious I would tell you you hear like keyboard typing back there. Thacker uses psychic event.

Oh, okay. opening his mind to try and figure out where mama is. Since they have a connection, oh for sure. They are friendly. He opens his brain to the psychic environment and tries to figure out where mama is. Can you describe how it looks when he does this? He squints up like he's taking a big crap.

This is good finale stuff. There was a moment of hesitation there where dad was trying to decide whether or not he should say that. Yeah, yeah. But he did say it. We're really on some story and song level shit, so thanks for that, Dad. And it squintes his face up. It's real ugly, and he concentrates very hard. All right, so here we go.

Sensitive. Okay. It's eight plus weird. Yes. Which is two. Wow. And that's a 10. Good rolls.

Good job, Dad. Good psychic powers. You open up your mind to the psychic environment. which I think I had a pretty clear idea of what that looks like whenever you were trying to spy on the quell. Here, I don't think it is like this crystal clear picture like it was when you were sort of trying to commune with this supernatural entity, right?

You are just trying to get like a, you're echolocating, essentially, and you are using your relationship with Mama as sort of the anchor for that. And so you can just kind of make out shapes, you can mainly make out emotions. She is exhausted. She is, you assume, like, tranquilized to some extent. And you also have picked up on like what she has experienced in the last couple minutes,

especially since the Hornets distraction ploy went off. There was a lot of action here in the facility, a lot of alarms going off, and a lot of people running around. So you assume, just based on that, that you have cleared out maybe, you know, most of the security forces in here. She was moved when the distraction ploy kicked off. She was moved from whatever holding chamber she was being kept in. And now she is being held in a different room. She is being held.

No, I mean, she would know what she is near and she would know, like, she would be thinking about that and communicating that in a way you understand. She is near the archway now, but she is not alone. So she's not in the actual building? She is in the building. Yeah, the archway is inside the building. They've sort of constructed it around it as sort of a secure location. Okay, much like in Thor when they built it all around Mnionier. Right, when they built it around Majolnynum.

Mm-hmm. So that is what you have. You all are still standing in front of this plastic sheeting. Okay. So I'm going to say we just... start going and don't stop till we get there. Yeah, I was just thinking, man, I'm not going to be, I don't want to kill anybody. No, that's what I'm saying.

We just, like, you just start slicing through plastic and we just like, ski dattle. One of the keys is acting like you belong there. So if we just act like we belong here, that almost always works. Okay, yeah, as duck slices through plastic with a sword, you yell, We're supposed to be here. Don't worry. Could we pretend to be exterminators or something? That's good.

We lost our keys, so we used the sword to get in. Somebody's going to need to fix that later. Okay, we've got a plan. Janelle says, I don't believe this plan is going to work very well. You all know Earthlings better than I do, though, so... Listen, at this point, I want to know who these fools are that as alarms are going off, they're still typing away on their keyboards. You know, this is boring.

Let's just go. Okay. Let's go in and I'll figure it out. I'm a duly appointed federal agent. That's true. That's true. So I'll cut in just be like, hey, there's a flower emergency or something. Yeah.

The old rigmarole. The old rigmarole. I'll be real smooth about it. All right. Wait, let me just knock. Why are we even wasting our time here? Let's just knock. Okay, go for it.

Okay, I knock on the door. You knock on the, your fist passes through the plastic sheeting, and somebody on the other side said, Hey, what was that? All right, so I'll just go ahead inside. Hey, everybody. What the fuck? Hey, who are you? No, it's okay.

My name is Duck Newton. I'm a duly appointed federal agent. That is a nickname. My legal name's not, Duck. And I am... You see one of them stand up and start walking. toward the back of the room. Hey, hey, listen. Hey, bud, I'm gonna, I'll take out Beacon pointing at their throat. Hey, bud, we got some things to do tonight, all right? You don't know me and you, and I wouldn't

kill any of you. You hear that? He's not going to kill us. Let's get out of here. I, Doug Newton would thrill at the idea of slicing. Yes, I am. Yeah, yes, fleshbag. Take your seat. the person sits back down. There's about, there's like four people in this room. You can now see it's basically like a computer lab. This is where like they, whatever research they are doing on the archway, they're not doing it like right next to the thing. They have their computers like networked running into here.

And you see there's, there are more computers than there are people in here. So you assume some people already took off. But these four are I guess the cool ones who weren't scared by the alarms and people running around. So, Aubrey steps in there with Duck. Hey, you all seem nice. I'm betting you don't want to fight us.

We don't want to fight you. He's got a talking sword. I can do real ass magic. It's true. So let's, I'm bad at lying. So let's just, uh,

go for it. What are y'all doing? Let's start there. Anybody answers? Anybody wants to answer? Just go for. What are you all up to? Nobody is.

is inspired to answer that question. Listen, I'm a human being. I don't wanna hurt anybody, but my sword here loves this game called fingers and toes. And he's just gonna start taking them and I can live with that because we got a lot on the line.

And I'll let him have, well, let's start with one finger and then we'll just kind of go from there. So who wants to volunteer? Who's not a big tennis buff that can spare a pinky? Anybody? This is, believe it or not, you need to roll plus charm to manipulate. You're being very charming right now. What a smooth operator.

Yeah, this is for sure manipulate someone, I think. It's not, okay, it's not a, I'm not bluffing and I'm not manipulating any, but, I mean, I guess it's a manipulation in the sense that, anyway. Well, wait, is this something that you are willing to follow through on? Fuck, yes, I am. Okay. Absolutely, no question. I would argue to act under pressure, man. You know, listen, okay, I know you all don't know me very well.

And I know I'm threatening a lot of stuff that sounds like a lot of macho bullshit. Just a quick check, though, with my two compatriots, you know me a little better than you all. Am I lying right now? Oh, no, you'd know. You'd know if you was lying. You'd know in a fucking heartbeat if I was lying, bud. I'm going from the gut. This seems to be you being honest.

Yeah, this is a legitimate situation. we got going and we honestly are running out of time so uh i'm gonna you still you want me to roll yeah i mean you're trying you're trying to get information out of them and this is the reason you are giving them for it or else i will i will cut off your fucking toes and i would suggest that by us him asking us and us charming chiming in that we are helping uh yeah we can do that i forget back of the play can we do can we do help out you can do it before or after the roll so do you want to let him roll and see what happens first and then you guys can roll to a sharp let him Because there's no need to open yourself up to consequences if you don't need to.

Okay. That is a three. Woffa duffa. I don't know how much we could help. Plus charm is one. That's a four. Can't help. That would get you up to six if you both succeeded.

The person who was in, in, the person that you kind of convinced to sit back down in his chair, he stands back up and he charges for an alarm button at the back of the room. and he is just going to, he is going to press it here in a second because Aubrey acts under pressure. Okay. And pulls off Barclay's wristband. I don't think you would need to act under pressure to do this, but you are opening up Barclay to significant danger, I would say. I think he took it off whenever he, like, broke down the fence or whatever. He's definitely slipped it back on because he does not want to just be wondering around as Bigfoot.

So you're ripping off his wristband? We need a distraction. Uh, okay. I don't, okay, I want to question, I guess I don't really have time in the moment to question the internal logic, but like, if I'm on a flow chart of logical actions, a bunch of dumb ass is threatening me, I want to go for the alarm. Like, what is the reality in which I see Bigfoot and think, I can handle this on my own? That's fair.

I don't need, I don't need an alarm for this. Could Thacker throw his, um, his spiked stick at the, uh, at the, uh, at the, the, the, The alarm button? Yes. I think it would take a very good role to do it. I think this would be an act under pressure to make this move. If memory serves cool is not Thacker's strongest suit, but if you want to give it a roll, give it a shot, then please have at it.

Okay. You chuck your... Oh, damn! Oh, damn! He rolled a 10! He rolled a 10, but I think it's minus 1, isn't it? Yep, makes it a 9. I'll give you a...

I will give you a... a price to pay, but it's not your price. You throw it and you pin this guy's hand to the wall. And he just starts like screaming like, oh, this hurts us really bad. I'm telling you all, we're not, we're not fucking with you. I'm serious. We're not fucking around.

This is end of the world shit. I've done the train problem. You know what I mean? The trolley problem. I can run the numbers here, guys. You got to help me out. And to be honest, I was aiming for your head.

Okay, the guy's like, do I take it? Do I take it out or leave it there? Take it out. Take it out. I'm going to need it later. But is that bad or good? Is it holding my blood in or what's up? I always forget that.

Yellow on black. Leave it in. Red on black. I can never remember. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right, Thacker, pull it out. I'm going to go to sleep.

You should faint. If you can faint, you should do. I'm gonna go to sleep now. And Aubrey's going to attempt to heal the wound. Okay, boy, I hope this fails. All right, while my friends tend into that, does anybody else want to talk? Because I feel like even less time than before.

It's a 10 total. Okay, Aubrey heals his hand. It heals up. And I'm not even going to wipe, I'm not even going to wipe the blood off the spot. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Wave it in your faces. There is a bespectacled woman

who stands up and she's like, what do you want to know? What's the end of the world stuff? What's going on? Is there something happening with the door? No, Geraldo. I'm not answering questions here. You're going to tell me, what are you doing?

Come on. We were brought here by the Bureau of Unexplained Phenomena, and we were brought here to study this archway after some cataclysmic event that happened here in Kepler, and we haven't really learned anything. It hasn't opened up, but we've been trying to study the patterns of energy. that it's been giving off.

Great. Okay, that's way too much. That's plenty. Where is a mama? Who? The woman that was being interrogated. Are you talking about Ms. Cobb? Yeah.

She's... Yeah, Ms. Cobb, where she's at. She was in a... There was like a holding room that they were keeping her in. She's been in there for way longer than I think they're allowed to keep people. But she's in there.

It's just back through that door to the left. Can we please go? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The four of you need to get as far as you can. Because like planet devouring evil is about to like brush through the door. So you're gonna wanna be like distant.

Yeah, I know y'all are wizard-jain anything. Oh, that's a good question. Can any of you fight? Cause if so, maybe stay. Maybe it won't be that bad. Yeah. You'll be okay. Better get stuck on the hand.

Yeah. That dude should go though. That dude's cash. You need to get to the hospital. Uh, the Bispectal woman says, I larp sometimes, but I think this is probably going to be a little bit heavier than that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's cool. Where do you do? Is that a local group or what's... Hey, we can exchange information later. Uh, everybody get the fuck out. Uh, yeah. Two of the other folks in the room pick up the guy who you speared.

Uh, and, uh, along with that woman you were speaking to, they all, uh, leave the room. And, uh, yeah. Now there is just sort of the, the, the, um, the, the, um, the, the, um, the, and, uh, now there is just sort of the, door beyond deeper into the facility. And while you were sort of like finishing up that negotiation, you see Dr. Drake and she like slides into one of the computers, rather she sits down in front of one of the computers. She doesn't leap into the screen like a ghostwriter or something. And you see she's just been like sort of typing away ignoring the man's screams as you spear his

hand into the wall. And after a while, she taps on the end. enter button she says all right uh i got into the um we got in the back door yeah i'm i hacked into the fbi mainframe no it's just like the facilities op op system um i got in there uh there's not a map or anything like that but i'm pretty sure i can get you through whatever doors you need to get through but i got to stay i got to stay here to do it um do we have like can we telepathically speak or something what's the deal with that duck and we got walkie-talkies that is that is good. I forgot about yes. Yeah. You know, it's, it's all right. You get caught up in the

wizardry and all that stuff. But yeah, we'll just use regular communication devices. All right, well, I'm going to go ahead and lock every other door in the facility, except the ones y'all need to move through. So hopefully we can limit the sort of uncomfortable discussions, like the one we just had. I don't know. I thought we made some new friends. It's, yeah, we'll see about that later. We'll see how many, you know, hits on F, B, we get after we get out of here. But, yeah, and also I guess if all y'all die, I can be sort of like last bastion of hope for humanity out here in the entryway.

I got this battle axe that I guess I can use. So this should be good. This is a good plan. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I can't tell if she's being sarcastic. No one can. Almost always.

Yeah, constant. It's like a constant stream. I actually, I haven't been since. about anything since like 2004. That's when sincerity died. I have a rough idea where mama is from my psychic stuff, so follow me. Cool. So we do have psychic stuff. Oh, just him. Okay.

I can. All right, bye, y'all. Bye. Hello, dear friends, this is Griffin McRoy. I am known as your dungeon master around these parts and also your best friend. And this is episode 33 of the Adventure Zone Amnesty, and we're doing this one far, far off in advance. We're weirdly ahead of schedule now with having this one prepared, by which I mean like a week ahead of time, which is really something for us. Thank you so much for listening, and we're really getting to the end here. Thank you

all so much for sticking with Amnesty. I hope you have enjoyed it and enjoy the conclusion. I still don't know what that's what it's going to be, so I hope I enjoy it too, but we'll find out together at the same time. Thank you to everybody who has been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, spreading the word not just about the show, but about, you know, about balance and everything else we've done on this podcast and about the graphic novel, which thanks to y'all became another number one New York Times bestseller because y'all are out of control and you must be stopped. It really means so much to us how much support you've shown us over the years. and I hope you continue to enjoy this stuff that we make.

Thanks also to MaxFund for having us on the network. You can go to MaximumFund.org. Check out all the great shows there like Storybreak or stop podcasting yourself or Judge John Hodgman or so many more all at Maximum Fun. We have other stuff at Macroy.com. Including some new Taz merch. We got a cool Mothman pin.

And we got a... Oh, we have a fanny pack. We have a fanny pack now. If you want to play your own home game of Dadlands, you're going to need a fanny pack. This one's got all kinds of Taz iconography on it. It looks really cool. I want one, and this is the first time I've ever wanted a fanny pack before.

So it is legit. Yeah, you can check all that out at mackerel.com. We are now back on schedule, so I'm going to let you get back to the rest of the episode. Next one will be up in two weeks, which is going to be on, well, it's going to be in August. I'll tell you that much. I know for sure that it's in August. But the real question that scientists are still trying to, sat the 22nd. It'll be up on August 22nd. So we'll talk to you then. Bye. You all pass through

this computer lab and you enter this long hallway. And as soon as you enter in, you see doors, like, in this hallway that kind of curves around this circular central structure. Boy, that was a mouthful. And as you, like, enter the hallway, you watch these lights above those doors, just like all instantly turn red as Dr. Drake executes. some sort of command. And then sort of around the hallway leading toward the center of this circular chamber, you see one of the doors kick on and turn green. And Dr. Drake says, all right, that's the decontamination room.

You pass through there. And I think that's just it. I think that leads you right into where the archway thing is that you told me about. So, yeah, you better get, I don't know how long it is before somebody comes in here. and, you know, tries to, tries to start something, tries to get froggy. Where's mama from here? In that room, I think. Yeah, the center of the facility is where you sort of saw the archway.

Okay, well, then what are we, you know, waiting for? We move in. Okay, you all head into the decontamination room. It's like a long hallway, and you see, it's a loominated. sort of the walls are illuminated in the same way that a lot of the areas in this facility are and there are There's some nozzles everywhere. There's like a short little path where there's some sort of like liquid on the floor There's a little like locker built into the wall for you to just like put your your clothes and put on like a a

biohazard suit or something they are taking every precaution with this thing you assume But right now like the decontamination protocols do not look active as you as you step inside and you begin making your way down the decontamination room. Okay. I'm asking. That was a question. Yes. Oh, yes. Absolutely. As you and your party, which just as a reminder is now the three of you with Barclay and Janelle, as you sort of move in through the room, you see the door in front of you, the light above it turn red. And you hear Dr. Drake say, what the hell? And then her walkie, you can't hear it anymore. And then the lights in this room in the hallway just sort of like built into the walls, they fade and are just nearly out.

And now there's just sort of a dim light in here. Then you hear a mechanical noise. off to your right. And when you look over, you see a panel slide open and behind a thick, you assume bulletproof window, you see Agent Stern in a room alongside the decontamination chamber. And he looks at all of you for a while, looks at Thacker with a little bit of confusion. I don't think you all have met. And Agent Stern says, I figured. I figured it was you. What are you all doing here? Saving the world. Open the goddamn door. Anybody else want to try and take a different tact with that?

I mean, we are here to save the world. That's accurate. And opening the door would be halaciously rad of you. But that's just kind of a nice way of saying what Aubrey just said. Listen, we need Mama and we need your help. We've got like a razor

thin chance of keeping earth on the rails here. And if you could do us a solid here, just get on board. It would be, you always seem pretty cool. It'll be real helpful. Yeah. to extend what I was saying earlier,

the world is about to be invaded by a force that was killing the world it was in, and if we don't stop it, it will kill this earth, and we're the only ones who can stop it, and we need to go through the gate, and we need mama to do that, and we need you to make sure everyone's kind of guarding

this side of the gate, or let me check my calculations, tick, tick, tick, tick, everyone's going to die. You all have known about this stuff for the whole year I've been here with you. You've known about all this, right? Yep. And you kept it from me. Why?

I could have helped. I could have done something. We could have stopped. We could have stopped Ned, the mountain, everything. Hey, hey, bud, like nothing personal, right? But look around you. this is the reality where the government knows what's going on, right? Like, you have proven withholding information from you was the 100% right path,

because this is the reality we're trying to avoid. Mama has been, let's be honest, kidnapped by y'all, and our friends have been put in danger because you have locked them away from their home, amnesty launch, and you have basically, locked down the entire town and put the inhabitants at risk and turn this into a literal federal case. You catch him off guard with that last part. You see, like, when you mentioned mama especially, you notice like a, he loses his

breath for a second. And he says, I suspected you all knew more than you were letting on. and because I got to know you, I assumed that you weren't using that information for any ill intent. I just wish you'd told me. That's all. I think one of you is going to need to, I think you're making a good case here. And I think he is very, very sympathetic to what you're saying, but I still think this has to be a manipulate someone. I got a seven plus one eight I mean if Aubrey and or you could use a luck point or Aubrey and I got a six I got a six plus one so seven that would bring it up to a nine if Thacker wants to roll the help out two

you have not no help whatsoever it's a four okay that is a nine they'll do it only if you do something for them right now to show that you mean it agent Stern says I apologize I know that I know that I know that apparently we're under time constraints. It's just this has been my entire life, and I feel like there's still so much that I do not know. And, I mean, Barclay, I didn't expect this from you. And Barclay looks at you, Aubrey, and Duck, and at Thacker and Janelle, and he says, ah, what the fuck?

And he takes his bracelet off and turns into Bigfoot. And Agent Stern, like, takes a step back and he puts his hands. He, like, clasps his hands around his mouth and, like, looks at all five of you in the face, like, what, really? What? What? This whole what? And then the panels. That's right.

Your best friend has been Bigfoot the whole time. And he takes a minute and he sort of collects himself. And then he just smiles. And the panel. slides shut and the lights come back on and the door at the end of the room opens up and agent stern says we better hurry and he gestures to this large metal door beyond the the quarantine zone do we know agent stern's like first name agent stern's first name is daniel not daniel Roger

Not Roger God I have a lot of characters in here Here we go Joseph Joseph Oh I don't know why I asked

I would feel weird I just thought about it And it would feel weird Saying Joseph Yeah Well how about that He says I'm probably not going to be an agent

After they find out What I just did So I'm just Joseph now All right Joseph listen We're going to go through the gate on this side you have to get your people ready because shit will come through. Shit is going to happen and they are going to need a voice of reason.

They're going to because what we don't want is panic or wildfire or anything like that. We want everybody to stay, you know, head on a swivel, have some idea what's going on. And you're going to be that voice of reason. You're going to be the one who, you know, if it breaks bad, get people out of here. But like hold the line as long as you can. Do you understand? I do. A lot of my people are out in the woods as far as I know chasing a bunch of stunt bikers around,

but I will see what forces I can muster. You mentioned a time limit. How long do we have? And, Duck, you look at your watch. It is, it is like 929. You are just like, I forget what time exactly we said it popped off. that would probably be good of... 935.

35. Yeah, you have 935. Not very long. Not long. Like six minutes. We need to hustle and flow. And where is Mama, Joe? I suspect she's in here.

Let me try doing the talking, okay? And he places his hand on a scanner and puts his face on this retina scanner and these, alarms all around this huge metal door start blaring and it slides open. And there's grass at your feet. And the whole room here is without proper flooring like the rest of the facility. At first glance, you could be fooled into thinking that you're outside standing in that, that lush clearing in the woods with the archway standing tall in front of you. But then you would realize that this clearing is surrounded by those thick, like plaster walls with a ceiling made of that same sturdy paneling as the rest of the facility. And all those ceiling panels are leaning in toward this open

porthole window at the center of the room directly over the arch. And there are various monitors and like sensors all scattered around the lawn here, all printing out readings of some sort all wired into the gate. And there are several like long black crates of some sort, stacked in neat piles against the far wall. And between you and the archway is Mama, and her hands are bound behind her. And she's sitting in a chair and her head is drooped downward and standing behind her with a rifle pointed directly. at your party is a tall man in a black suit. And, uh, Agent Stern says, Agent Haynes, we need to let these people through. And Agent Haynes responds,

I'm relieving you of duty, Stern. All of you put your weapons down on the ground very slowly. Stern says, Haynes, you, you don't want to do this. Trust me. And at that point, Mama kind of rouses and looks up at all of you and then she sees you thacker and she says no fucking way yeah hey mattie how are you doing that name sucks and i've told you that a lot i know i know i know i know hain says your weapons down now obri holds out uh snitch yo if you just you draw a knife, this man is going to shoot at you. Holds it out. There's like, like pinky, you know, like to

set down the weapons, right? And drops it. Okay. And he goes flying. Okay. This is... I'm not trying to kill him. Let's put it that way. And maybe act under pressure to see if you can kick some ass without him just like, no, you know what? He doesn't

know that this is a fucking magic knife, right? Go ahead and kick... Roll to kick some ass. I think you're using magic to hurl it, so I think it's probably just plus magic. Okay. Which is fairly good because I rolled a six plus weird, right? Yes, that brings it up to an eight, correct? Correct. Okay, you hit him in the shoulder.

And because it is a kick-some ass roll and you did not fully succeed, he is going to get you to. So while he is, you knock him off balance, right? You get him in the shoulder and he takes too harm. But as he kind of reels, a shot rings out and you get hit in your shoulder. And the vest catches some of it, but you still take too harm. Oh, even with the vest? Who, bogey? It's a bullet.

Yeah, I think we've established the bullets. It's a bullet. It's fairly dangerous in this world. Okay, he has been like definitely knocked off balance. And Thacker or Duck, I'm going to let you all decide sort of what happens, what happens next. I think your reaction time is pretty on point here. I think Thacker would probably run over and try to, she's sitting in a, and Mama's sitting in a chair, right? Mm-hmm.

I think he would run over and like body tackle her in the chair to try to get her out of the line of fire. Okay, cool. act under pressure. Come on, cool, cool boy. Let's see what you got. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Okay. Give me just a second, okay? Are you trying to see if you can psychic blast her out of the way? No, no, no, no. He has other things. He's got moon. You have, all right, wait a minute. You have encompassed the soul of the universe.

Holy shit. You never need to act under pressure due to feelings of fear, despair, or isolation. It's called cosmic insight. Okay. Do you have this? Is this one of the moves that you have? Yes. One of them is the psychic event. Yeah. One of them is cosmic insight. I think you've got a little bit more juice because Thacker needs, doesn't have the levels that, yeah, we've figured that out. So, okay, I think you're afraid, right? You could act, you could, you could, you can make that case.

I think that you are afraid for your friend Mama, right? Is that the argument that you're making? Yeah. Yeah. Then yeah, no role required. You run and jump, and while he, while Agent Haynes is caught off guard, you run and tackle Mama and sort of do a role move in midair and land away from the melee. Duck, what do you do? Okay, so he's got Mama.

Bullet, Mr. Guns, is that? Agent Haynes. Agent Haynes. Is he down or is he... He has just sort of been spun. He's just sort of been reeling. He is starting to... In the time that it took...

That it took Factor to do his thing, he has started to regain his composure. I'm going to give him a forearm shiver trying to knock him out against the wall. Okay. It would probably be easier to do that against the archway because you're kind of at the center of this room. Sure.

Okay. Go ahead and... Go ahead and kick some ass. Gladly, Griffin. Happily kick some ass. Let me pull up my ass kicking panel. Click the button that says kick ass on it. To kick ass.

Just click it once. Don't click it twice. Eight plus two, ten, ass points. You have kicked ass. Out go the light. Okay, what is the thing that you said? I'm just giving him, you know, forearm shiver. Just kind of not trying to knock them.

It's a sports turn. Yeah, just kind of knock him against the thing. Just trying to take him out, take him down, take him out. Okay, I think you have chosen, you're trying to like incapacitate him rather than actually hurt him, right? Yeah. Okay, then I'm going to say you do zero harm and he manages to like hit you with the butt of his gun for two harm, which you, you know, shrug off, no big deal. And in lieu of doing harm, you choose one extra effect. I guess you're doing force them where you want them, right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you plow him against the side of the archway, and he crumbles and goes down like a sack of bricks. And, yeah. Just, FYI, Aubrey is unstable, unless she was fully healed before going into this encounter. Yeah, I mean, you didn't suffer any harm in this arc, right?

You had recovered. This is two months after the events of you getting a big chunk of wood in your leg. Yeah, so everyone should be, everyone should be fresh. We're at two. Um, that's why. Okay. I'm going to search his pockets for like ID badge, anything like that. Key cards, whatever.

Yeah, I mean, he has key card for sure. Um, you are, you, you are at the archway. You don't necessarily have anywhere else to go necessarily in the facility. I mean, I guess you could poke around and I could make some bullshit up. But yeah, you have his, you have his stuff. I'd rather, I'm just, listen, I used to play a lot of video games. Right. Sure.

I'm not going to leave any resources behind. He's got to ever know when you need to, like, use fish on. So you're looting. He's got a bologing sandwich. He's got a... We can use that against the bear in the cave so that we can get this thing in the flute. He's got a brown kite and protector, so you're going to love that. I like that.

I love that BCP. That BCP's going to treat you so right. What time is on your watch there, duck? It's 931. It's, you're up against it. I assume Thacker, you are untying. Mama and getting her back on her feet. And giving her some of my special gorp

with the pepperoni and the peanut butter chips. You say with pepperoni? There's rough stuff in there. It's vulgar. Yeah. God. As you sort of get Mama back on her feet and hand her this horrible bag of just nasty garbage.

Just stink fruit. She says, oh my God, Thacker. Thacker, not right now, please, okay? You have no idea what kind of time I've been. I do not need that. I do not need that protein, Thacker. I do not need that. Oh, my God.

You know, I give and I give and I give. She's like, all right, hold up. And she takes a fistful and eats it and really struggles with it, but it seems to snap her out of whatever trinkledized funk she was in. She says, good God, facker. That is, I know, I know. She says, so let me guess you're going back in, you can going back through. Yeah, we're going to, I remember how to get to the heart of the quail,

and I'm going to lead this rag tag band, and we're going to go do something. We haven't really quite figured out what, but, yeah. Yeah, we're going back in, into the hinterland. So you know how much trouble I went through finding your sorry ass over there, and now you're just going to just trapes on back in. Yeah, it sounds nuts, don't it? I mean, you want me to print you off a map quest or something, Thacker?

I'm worried you maybe lost that trail blazing edge there. No, I know. Listen, I got it burned in my memory. I know exactly. I know exactly where we're going. I do want to tell everybody something real quick. Last time I done this, especially when I went right into the heart of the quail, I kind of got, like, possessed by the quail, and it really made me kind of funky.

So, Duckberg, you may want to be ready to go with your sword there to, you know, if I start acting all. End you. Yeah. If I go all feral again, please feel free to, you know, let me have it. Now, Justin, is Duckberg duck's real name? Is Duck a nickname for Duckberg? Mama says, yeah, go ahead and belay that one there, Duck, because you can just sort of punch him a few times in the face, knock him out, and drag his ass back to Earth like, like old. Mama did, so.

Well, you know, heat of the moment. She puts an arm around your shoulder, Thacker, and she says, hey, real, for real, though, it's, uh, it is nice to see you again, Thacker, even, even though it's at, uh, here at the end of the world. So, yeah. Um, how do I look, by the way? You know, I was in there six years. The beard is, the beard is wild.

It's good, isn't it? Isn't it? I think I see a, I thought about braiding it. I see a full twisler in there. Mama, are you, are you, are you, like, how are you holding up? Let's go. I mean, come on. I'm not doing...

No. She, you're checking in with Mama as Agent Stern drags, Agent Haynes out into the hallway. Aubrey's retrieves stitch, by the way, just... Oh, yeah, sure. And Agent Stern has retrieved the rifle that Agent Stern had. And he points to the back of the room where Barclay is trying to move some of those crates. And Agent Stern yells, hey, oh, God, careful, careful. Oh, my God.

And he runs over and opens up the crate that... Barclay was moving and he pulls out this like, it looks like an orange, like clay brick. And he gestures to it. He says, it's, it's Simtax. It's plastic explosive. They were, uh, they were going to blow the gate as an emergency measure. If things went like way south. So let's not maybe put that in the line of fire.

Um, and he points at another crate and says like, that one's empty. Let's, let me help you care. And Barclay just like lifts it off the ground with one hand. And Barclay's like, we'll talk about this later, okay? We're going to have a big talk later, but like later. And they start stacking up these empty crates in front of the, in front of the archway building, like a barricade. And Mama says, like, I'm fine, Aubrey, but I don't know that I got my sea legs here. So I'm probably going to hang here and just be, you know, reserved line in case something makes it through.

which hopefully if that happens, it means y'all are probably beefed it, so that's going to be like worst case scenario. But I'm doing all right. How are you? I haven't seen you in a bit. It's been really, really hard. Yeah, I bet. Shit, man.

I just tried to do what you would do and keep everybody safe and make sure everybody was taken care of. And we, you know, we re-housed some people in different buildings, and we rerouted the water from the, the spring down to H2O, that was fun. And we've been taking people there to keep them. Hey, hey, it's all right. Listen, you're, it is redundant.

I wasn't even going to ask about this stuff. I knew you were going to take care of everybody, Aubrey. That's, you know, I've known you for a while now. I know that's what you do. Hey, it's all right. I'm just doing my best. Can we save Earth? Yes.

Yeah, it's, you all have like a couple minutes. and Barclay walks up to you all and says, hey, I know we only have a minute. Let's keep this short. I'm going to stay behind too. I'm going to make sure Mama and Stern don't get got with my super bigfoot powers. But you all are my best friends

and do a good job over there and proud of you, glad I met you. And all right. All right, let's do our secret handshake that we've done a million hours before. And Barclay, if you could give me a favor and in case I don't make it. Yep, yep.

We're still doing it. Send a letter to A. eight-year-old Aubrey and tell her that she got to be best friends with Bigfoot. Yeah, I will do just that. Okay, all right, all right. And they all stack up behind these, these, uh, crates. And, Duck, how are you, how are you contacting Minerva? Is it through walkie-talkie or, I mean, you all have established that you can sort of hologram into each other. Yeah, it's a good question. Yeah, I think, I think probably the psychic bond is still there. Okay. I mean, I think that that would make a lot more sense to me than,

relying on walkie-talkies for something like this. Yeah, for sure. Uh, you, you, you like, you know, intuitively kind of close your eyes and you see Minerva and, uh, her and Leo are standing like, on, on the face, the like, crumbled face of, uh, Mount Kepler. And you can see that she is just sort of like sitting on, um, like a bit of broken rock and she is, she's got her, so I hander, like, just sort of planted into the ground. And you realize that you are appearing to her as this like spectral vision, which I don't think you've actually done before. And she looks a little bit spook to see you. And she says, oh, I didn't know that, wow.

Okay. You're really coming along, Duck. I don't know how I'm doing it either. I'm worried I'll sneeze and fuck it. Well, don't do that, obviously. Is it time? Yeah, it's time. It's got to be like pretty much right away.

So stay on the line and let me know when she's opened it. Just before that happens. Thacker says, Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen. Okay. We dare not go a hunting for fear of little men. You see, nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out. Okay.

Chandling Willie Wonka. That was real weird. All right. That was so weird. I love it. Okay, Janelle, I'm going to open the gate. Don't let anything kill me. And then when we get in there, Facker, you lead us towards the quell, I guess.

And Janelle, keep us alive. It is a fucking good playing, man. Yes. Hell yeah. And with that, soft moonlight starts to descend from the porthole, and it is illuminating the archway in this just cylinder of, like, dreamy, radiance and Aubrey you approach

the archway's smooth surface with your hand outstretched just kind of cautiously and on the other side of town standing on that rocky outcropping on the side of Mount Kepler Minerva following your cue duck

raises her blade in the air with both hands and she closes her eyes and she takes a deep breath And Aubrey, your finger touches the cold, smooth stone as Minerva's blade cuts through the air. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported.

Hi, it's Ali Kokesh, one of the cast members of Mission to Zakes, a new addition to the MaxFunN Network. We're blown away by the welcome we've received from MaxFund listeners, telling us you've discovered the show and are binging it hard, supporting us during the drive, and just being rad humans all around. round. Mission to Zix is an improvised, obsessively sound-designed sci-fi comedy epic, following a group of ambassadors as they explore the ass end of space. I play Dar, the 12-foot-tall, omnisexual security officer with furry scales, chest talons, and a series of flaps and shoots that are for, you know what, you'll figure it out. We'd be delighted if you joined our crew aboard the aging, sentient starship of our GERERIAD as we traveled the Zix Quadrant, meeting all sorts of weird aliens played by brilliant guest comedians. That's Mission to Zix,

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