The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty - Episode 9

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

In order to defeat the abomination plaguing the waters of Kepler, the Pine Guard must first take an otherworldly field trip. Duck becomes a flyboy. Aubrey wants to touch a crystal. Ned makes his television debut. Additional music: http://www.purple-planet.com/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone. Moira, we need to get ourselves a magical, intangible weapon. I'm thinking it's time our friends here met the Enchanter. I know you're searching for answers about the origins of the magic that dwells within you. If you have the time, you may find it prudent to inquire about your abilities while in Sylvain. I understand, you need to see the Enchanter, and I must also insist that you make your introductions to the interpreter, as is. custom for those who serve to protect Sylvain from the world beyond. A massive shape lifts up from the darkness below you.

It is an unthinkably gigantic, gray anthropomorphic cat. And it says, The people of this world know me as the enchanter. You may call me by my name. I am Heathcliff. So the three of you are standing in front of a chasm, underneath this city, the air is still. There's just the sound of water dripping from the catacombs behind you

and the purring of this enormous gray cat with a white patch of fur on its gargantuan belly in front of you. And Heathcliff says, I prefer to keep my dealings clean and concise, but I can assume that with your current knowledge of Sylvain being what it is, that would be quite impossible. So I have what you need and you have what I want. and I do not want this interaction to be interrupted by your ceaseless questions. Luffy.

Yes, much like that. So maybe we could get through this quickly. Before we move on, yes, I'm a gigantic cat. No, you may not pet me. You may not pet me. No, you may not pet me. I just met you. Any other questions before we start?

I have one sort of query that ends in a tarot bang. A talking cat? Yeah, get get used to it, mister. I'm breaking all the rules over here. I talk, yes, I'm the size of a moderately sized building. Yes, that too. I defy expectations in so many ways, but you've decided to settle on my power of speech, and so that's sort of your bag. So, well, what are you doing down here? I'm a little bit too big to fit anywhere topside, aren't I? Well, that's kind of a fun kind of way of dodging my question. What do you do? I find myself surrounded down here by the light of Sylvain in its purest, rawest, most potent form, and so I spend most of my time down here tinkering around with that power.

That's why they call me the enchanter, you see, and that is what has brought you to me today. I assume you seek my services to empower one of your pieces of equipment, or perhaps generate a new one for you, as the case may be. I'm assuming that the three of you are human based on the fact that you do not have fur or fangs or you are not spectral or see-through in any way, and thus, therefore, are hunting monsters on the other side. I know a little bit about the way of the world, so I assume that's the situation, and I assume you seek the same arrangement that I have maintained with the other members of the Pine Guard. Uh, Griffin, I don't mean to give you notes, but is it too late to make Keith Cliff speak in rhyme? Because it really feels like It really

If you're going to take it over the top from me I will do you something magic In a way that No, I'm not gonna do that Okay, but if you see the opportunity for it I will take it I promise Like more rhymes than the average person What about a riddle?

Oh I'll take a riddle Any other questions before we move on again and I do not want to be interrupted. So, I have to remember, it's been so long. It's been a month. So, do we just, like, ask you for stuff and you, like, give it to us? I mean, I'm not a mind reader.

I'm a cat. No, we'll say it out loud. Like, I would say, like, I would like a magic wand, and you would be like, yeah, and you'd hand me one. I wouldn't hand you one. I would generate you one from the ether, summoning it from the blackest depths of Sylvain, but yeah, that could be how the arrangement works. You ask and I shall provide. Yeah, I got a request.

Do you do exchanges? I'm curious to hear what you think would satisfy my mysterious needs. Trade them-ups. I got this sword, and I would love to trade it for anything, a nice whip. And when I say a nice whip, I mean a good quality one, but also one that is of a gentle, caring spirit. You know, just any sort of nice, kind weapons. Supportive. Supportive.

Won't be like sort of pecking at me constantly if you have anything. I would love to trade you, and I can kick in $17. I have no need. Hey, that's earth money, cousin. All right. I'm not familiar with what the exchange rate stands at right now, but I won't be needing that. I'm curious about the sword, though, and he extends his gigantic furry paw and places it sort of on the ledge that the three of you are standing on and says, do you mind? Oh, I'm not. Don't worry. I'm declawed. Do you mind if I examine your blade?

Oh, Doc Newton. This is adorable. A lover is quarrely, Doc. Shut up, beacon. Jesus Christ. Here, this is the sword. Please, anything you got here. You hand the sword over to Heathcliff, who raises his paw up to his face and examines it for a moment. He actually takes out a little eyeglass, like a little jeweler's eyeglass, and examines it very, very closely. And he smiles and hands it back to you. And he says, this weapon is quite curious. Sorry, what was your name?

Yeah, I'm Duck Newton. It's a nickname. I'm on the Forestry service for the Monongahela State Forest, and also, I guess, the Pine Guard. Have we ever learned Duck's real name? I don't think so. That's finale material. Okay, because I would like to pitch, Richard? Richard is Justin Simmer on that, okay? Because it's like how Dick is short for Richard and Duck is short for Richard. Oh, that's quite good, yeah. He says, this weapon is Indeed, it is imbued with magic, but it is not our magic. This is a curious artifact earthling. I would be happy to take it off your hands, provided your ask is fair. What do you mean?

What would you require for me for an exchange? Other than, would a really good whip really do it? Like, I mean, it would have to be a choice. Oh, man. Yeah. I'm losing my nerve. because Minerva... Ooh.

Unintentional, but... Minerva gave it to me, and I... I figure she probably had her reasons. I was acting impulsively. Heathliff, I apologize. And all you need is Minerva to come here, see it hanging on the wall, all of a sudden there's that ju-ju with you got...

Yeah, you don't want that. Right. Hey, Doc, I'd love to see your great sword. Can you show it to me real quick? and I do a thing where I'm like, yeah, it's in the bathroom. Hold on. Let me go get it. And then she goes to the bathroom and the window would be open.

I'd be trucking it down the street. Oh, call me a very slamming door farce. We used to call them in college. But so anyway, I'm sorry to have, I've wasted a lot of your time, Giant Cat, and I'm real sorry about it. It's quite all right. I am deeply curious about your blade. Maybe someday we can find an arrangement.

I would think you'd be. extra careful of being curious there. I would imagine that goes triple for a kitty of your size, eh? Yeah, that is a good point. I do not have many opportunities to be curious down here in the abyss. Probably safer. Yes, quite. Um, so you mentioned an elemental you seek to slay, and I do not know of this elemental of which you speak, but if you need to destroy something intangible, it would make sense that you require a weapon that can attack intangibly. This is, this is kittens play. You there, the old one. Hmm? I see there you have a, a primitive earth revolver. It is a thing of complete ugliness. But, uh, I can give it an arcane makeover the likes of which you've never seen if you wish.

Well, first of all, let me explain. This gun was once owned by Elliot Ness, the famous G-man. Um, and I borrowed it from a museum, but this is quite a collector's piece. So what are you suggesting? I magic it up, my man. I do some magic on it. Unless you have something else you'd like me to enchant. No, what's all this going to cost us? I sense upon you an item I have desired for quite some time. The earrings once belonging to Moira, I have admired these, I've admired these pindulous beauties for many years before her exile from this place, and a subject I am not at liberty to go on about. I'm not exactly sure I know what you're talking about. We'll trade you the earrings. That's fine.

Well, Doc, hold on. We'll trade you one earring for that. I'll make you a deal. You hand me over Moira's earrings, which I have not seen since she was exiled, and I could not possibly dish the goss on this one. Do not press me on it. I hate the goss, and I think it is disgusting. Can I stop me there? It kind of sounds like you want to dish the goss. I would never dish the goss. I would never dish the gauze. Tell you what, you hand me over both earrings. I will count them as two gifts to me, and therefore will increase the potency of the magics. I imbue your tools with. What do you guys think? Does Ned get one and I get one and Duck gets one? Or what's the deal here? Oh, there's no need for me to be that prudent. I'm just chalk a block full of magic. So each of you

will receive a gift. Oh, hell yeah. Do it. Give them the earrings. What do we care? We didn't even know about him 45 minutes ago. All right. How about- He makes an excellent point. All right. Here, here, earrings. Here they are. They are really lustrous. So try not to schmuse them up with your cat for. No need to be mean. So I have devised a sort of new way of doing the fantasy Costco item acquisition stuff for Monster of the Week, which I kind of had to do because it is not nearly an item rich game as D&D was, right? And D&D could just be like, oh, you found a more powerful sword and you found a ring that can freeze time or, you know, whatever. And that's not really how Monster the Week operates.

So instead, I came up with a new rule. Oh, Jesus Christ, this did not come out. A lot. Can you share it in a dock with us, perhaps? Yeah. How this is going to work in the future at the beginning of each new sort of arc here in Amnesty, the three of you will receive a letter from a Heathcliff, and that letter will contain a hit list of three earth items that he wants.

And all three of them will be sort of available at some point. during your your hunt, but it will, you know, often require you to put yourself in harm's way or a risky situation or something to acquire them. These, these will be kind of like side quest, so I'm not intending you to just be like, okay, well, I'm going to the, you know, I'm going to rob a bank or something so I can get the magic diamond that he needs. They will be sort of organically in, I will find a way to work these organically into the hunt. It's just up to you whether or not you want to like take the risk to get them. So we'll add sort of a natural complication to things.

Every item that you bring back to him, you will gain plus one on a role that you do when you visit Heathcliff. And when you, so for instance, if you recover all three items, you would roll 2D6 plus three when doing this acquisition role. And then from there, you can either enchant a piece of gear that you already have and make it better, or you can summon a new piece of gear, which won't be a, as dope as, you know, the pre-existing piece of gear that you already had that you enchanted, but it will still be a new thing that you can use. And that works with gear tags, which is a

mechanic in Monster of the Week, which your gear already has, right? Like one harm, two harm, area, I think beacon attacks in an area. That's a tag. Fire is a tag. All the tags are sort of, they inform the narrative. They inform what these pieces of gear can do. So on a really good role, You tell them, you know, you tell Heathcliff, oh, I want my sword to have fire on it. And then you roll it. And if you roll well, then it has it. If you roll a seven to nine, you get that tag, but you also get a sort of bad tag that will complicate that weapon. If you fail, it gives sort of mean narrative tools to use against you.

And then if you fail completely, rather than just doing like the normal, you fail and you get one XP, because this is sort of a high stakes roll. And if you fail this one, you actually get two XP. So you still get like, you know, a nice little boost, even if you fuck up. But basically, the more items you recover off Heathcliff's hit list, the better chance you have to get a better item. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yep.

Yes. Okay. So those are the rules. Ned, do you want to start? Absolutely. I believe I would like you to enchant something I already have. Uh, okay. Let's, uh, let's, let's have it then.

His butt. Well, you want an inch. I, I think it's already. quite enchanting. Well, thanks. When we discovered we were dealing with something mostly made of water, I thought of this item, which I obtained a number of years ago from a man named Rain Geier. He's the man who invented, I open up my coat, the Nerf gun.

And I want you to enchant this Nerf gun that I acquired. It's a very historical piece. It's very, very sought after. And I thought perhaps you could enchant this Nerf gun because, hey, what better against something that's made of water than Nerf darts. Yeah, I can't falter logic there. That completely holds up to, no, it holds up completely to any level of scrutiny or logic. You want me to enchant your Nerf gun and not your gun. Yeah, the gun gun doesn't do shit against water things.

No, it needs Nerf. No, definitely. It has to have Nerf. Well, if it ain't Nerf, it's nothing. Exactly. It could shoot harder, maybe, uh, maybe, like a really hard hitting Nerf blaster. Or you could just push like a put a pushpin in it in the darts and then that really hurts. You know what I mean?

Yeah, nasty. You're a nasty kid, huh? Yep. Okay. I love this. I've enchanted so many things. Nobody has thought to bring me a Nerf gun. Thank you.

For obvious reasons. I could give it a magical enchantment that could turn it into the weapon that you desire. Awesome. Hand it right over, and he extends his paw. Here you go. What's it look like? Because there's lots of different types of Nerf guns. And I don't think we have to be historically accurate.

It's the Nerf guns. It's the Nerf Blaster. It kind of looks a little bit like a shotgun almost. Okay, cool. What's it? I just feel like we're not being cognizant of our merchandising opportunities. No, this is amazing. You said it looked like a Nerf Blaster.

Then that's on sale to the wild. It's not going to look like it after he's done enchanting it, though. It's not whatever we can manufacture on the cheap and sell. A Nerf blaster. It's Burf. NERP. N-E-R-P-H. It's Burr for Buffin.

All right, yeah, let's enchant this thing. So, because you handed over what counted as two individual earrings, you have a plus two on this acquisition rule. The enchantment, it's changing the branding. It's unlicensed. It's ready for sale. It's Burr for Buffen. Go ahead and roll 2D6.

Mac. Ooh. Holy shit. So that is a 9 plus 2. Yeah. Okay. I think the tag that works here is magic if you want this thing to hurt this water monster. Okay, so he takes your Nerf blaster, your Burrf blaster, and descends, I think I like Narf way better, actually. He takes your Narf blaster and descends down into the depths, and he's down there for a few moments, and then there is a gust of wind and a blast of light from down in the depths that shoots forward to the ceiling of this chamber. And you hear this loud screeching meow from down there. And then Heathcliff comes back up and he hands you back your enchanted narf blaster.

The barrel where the shotgun, I guess, balls were previously stored, is now this cylinder of what looks like a blue stone that is like crackling with with energy. And it's in the, vaguely in the shape of the chamber that was in there, but now it is this sort of magical power device in the center of your narf blaster. And now it possesses the tag magic.

Go ahead and what is your, I think your revolver does too harm. I think this, just to keep it, consistent is a too harm magic narf blaster. It is a close, because close is another tag on the third. No, I think this would be whatever the next one is up from close. I think...

Medium. Medium. Yeah. I'll figure out the exact word later. Okay. Cool. I love it. He says, okay, that one was tricky because it was a toy for a baby, but...

Whoa. Narf is for big kids. You're right. Sorry, it's a big kid toy. Do either of the rest of you have something you would like? Yes, Mr. Heathcliff. and I'm going to be honest with y'all I just raised my hand sitting here

me Travis what's the matter with me yeah I don't okay I have kept running into a problem with this elemental I can do fire magic really good and fire magic doesn't seem to be hurting this water thing

I would like to do ice please oh wait just a moment you're an earthling right yeah why can you do fire magic. Don't know.

Nerfley. I'm a nerfling. He eyes you over. He actually lowers his huge face right next to you, and I think you get a better sense of his scale at this point, because his head alone is like three times your height. And he leans back, and he says, you are full of Sylvain's power. I had a big meal when I got here. No, that's...

I don't know how you were... so infused if you were born on earth, but that is what I see. I can see it as plain as the stars in the sky. Well, if we were above ground, I mean, I can see it as plain as that guy's hat. I see, though, you want ice magic. Hmm. I'm afraid my mastery of the elements is somewhat limited. Ironically, I too can work in fire. Ice is a little bit above my pay grade. I apologize for the shortcoming. If you have something, another idea in mind, I can see what I can do. Okay. I draw a lot of attention with my magic. Anything that was like, protect me would be great for when things inevitably get pissed. Hmm. I tell you what I can do. I can provide you a limited amount of, of, of,

stealth, uh, if you so desire to one of your gaunties. I don't really sneak, But if you could just like make my jacket magic, that would be great. Something that makes my jacket protect me or something? I can make that happen. Let me see what I can do. And he sticks his pop. And Aubrey hands over her sick-ass leather jacket. It's sleeveless.

In case anyone was wondering, it's sleeveless. It's really badass. That's a vest. It's a vest. Well, it was a jacket at one point in its life. You know what I mean? Okay. Go ahead and roll acquisition for me.

What was that? I can't see it. Oh, it's not great. That is a 7 plus 2 is a 9. Or is it a 10? No, it's a 9. You can't roll twice, my friend. So with a mixed success on an enchantment roll, your chosen tag, which would be one armor, does get applied, but I get to pick a negative tag that I can put on it. I've got a good one.

Okay. He rises back from the depths after the same sort of flash of light and meow, the whole production. and he hands you your jacket, your sleeveless jacket. And as he opens up his palm, you see that... What is it made out of? Denham, I think you said earlier. I said leather earlier, but whatever. Denham, sure, let's go with denim.

Now, which is it? It makes more sense. Denim didn't require any sweet, sweet cows to die. Yes, they're going to go to denim. Okay, sweet moot cows. We don't want them hurting. Denham, though, comes from the denim horse. and lots of them got got.

I'm simple. Denim horses are assholes. These are, this is denim flayed from Ted Nugent, so that's great, actually. Um, he, he hands you back your denim jacket.

And there are threads of just sort of bright red, shimmering, well, thread, uh, now, coursing through this jacket as he hands it to you. And he says,

well, um, it is going to afford, forward you some protection. I'm not entirely sure it'll be the most discreet garment around, but here you have it. And he hands you back the jacket. How so? I have given it the negative tag loud, loud enough that it draws attention. This is a loud. This is a loud, sort of visually speaking. And I think it was probably there before what with all of its patches and buttons and stuff, but it now has the tag loud. And Duck, anything you require, my friend.

You do jet packs? A jet pack. A jet pack? Mm-hmm. You do jet packs? Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking. Just asking, I get to ask for anything. I always kind of wanted a jet pack, so I thought I'd ask.

I could give you a jet pack. I make no guarantees as to whether or not it would let you fly around or not, or if it would explode. I've never made a jet pack before. You got to understand. Very good jet pack, really. All right, I'll make you a fucking... I'll make you a fucking jetpack, my friend. No, but I mean, if you can't promise me that it's going to let me, like, fly and be alive, then I would...

No, let's make a jet pack, because now I'm feeling attacked. Let's make a fucking jet pack then. Can I actually say, I feel like I don't actually... I'm not sure I want the pressure of having it. No, one jetpack coming right up. People expect big things from a man with a jetpack. That is kind of my... One of my concerns.

He very slowly starts descending into the depths. Like, here I go. Jetpack. You gotta produce if you got a jetpack. Jetpack time. I mean, if you can make a good one, you can spook me. You spute me with a little bit of the jetpack. He's gone.

He's just gone down in his hole. If you actually, as you peer over the edge of the chasm, you see him looking up still, like, very slowly descending into the chasm, like, okay, I'm going to do it. I'm going to make a jet pack. If you can make a cool jet pack, then I want a jetpack. But, like, you simply. could ask for anything. You didn't really put any boundaries and like that's the thing that I would like is a jet pack and I feel like I could make good use of it. I thought about a chanting beacon, but he probably wouldn't even let me. Yes. I was waiting for Beacon to respond. He promised you. God, we're all on a certain meta level today. Hands raised, waiting for our own characters to respond to us. Is Beacon there, Justin? Can I talk with Beacon?

You have any really quiet sheaths? Just really, really quiet sheaths? People ask my cup. You don't want to make me make a jet pack? What you want? You're a sheath or a jet pack? So you don't want the jet pack. Oh, I was so excited to make a jet pack.

I can find a way to make you a jet pack. It would output a lot of fire, and I don't, that would be a forest risk. It wouldn't even be the most convenient way of getting around the forest, which was kind of the main thing I was hoping for. Yeah, so I, yeah, jetpack. but like a magic one and not like a fire one. Can you do that? You're really tying my pause here. You want a jetpack but a magic one, not a fire one.

Yeah. You have to understand. When I create an item like this, I summon it from the ether. I have to have a crystal clear picture of it in my mind. And what you have just described is an object that doesn't exist. And yet, I just enchanted an old, old narf gun, and so I'm feeling a little feisty, feeling like I'm on a hot roll right now, as nobody says. So, yeah, one magic jet pack coming right up, and he descends down into the chasm.

Go ahead and roll acquisition. You watch, it's going to be like a three. Hold on. Come on, big money, big money, big money. That's a six plus two. That's an eight. All right. He, so what Ned and Aubrey did is enchanting.

What you did is summoning, which has sort of different rules. On a seven and nine, the summoning works, but the item suffers during its creation. It has a positive and negative tag chosen by the keeper, and it also has fragile as a tag, which is just sort of a narratively focused tag that if things go very, very wrong, it can break. but he comes up from the depths and he has kind of a confused look on his face and he's like, I made it as good as I can. I'll say this. This is the best magic jetpack in existence.

So you can feel confident about that. But here you go. And he extends his paw and opens it up and you see a magic jet pack. I kind of like the visual of it being like a two criss-cross. like belts that go around your chest with an apparatus on the on the back that does the propulsion because you invented this from your mind's eye maybe you could tell me what it looks like well I'm trying to think of ducks with duck's age I think it it is pretty close to the rocketeer sort of that like art a little bit of like art deco that that vibe I don't know anything about

architecture or design or anything, but, you know, that, that's sort of like retro, retrofuturism, that's the word I was looking for. Thank you. Uh, that, that sort of, that sort of vibe, uh, silver two canisters, um, that reach like two points. And I feel like from the bottom of them, that it's just sort of like a blue, purple, constant thrumming that's just like makes them seem very scary, like ready to blow. And, and, and, you know, and, you know, and, you're just sort of, any second. Okay. Yeah, I like that a lot.

The tags... I feel like it has an appearance that as Duck sees it, he makes the instant decision that it will be behind glass use in case of emergency only. That is a good idea. This thing has the fragile tag as a result of your role. It also has a positive and negative tag at my discretion. I'm going to give it the positive tag quick, which is normally reserved...

better than slow jet packs. Yeah, right. Do you want to take the jack ride? No, let's just walk. Are you kidding me? It also has the negative tag volatile. Of course. This weapon is dangerous and unstable.

Or rather, this jetpack is dangerous and unstable. So it'll get you there, and you can do some cool aerial stunts with it, but you better roll so good when you use it. So go ahead and add magic jetpack to your inventory. there, Duck. All right, got it, baby. And mark down those tags. It's called the Flymaster, by the way.

Sure, of course it is. That's what it says on there. Because it has to rhyme with narf blaster. Yes, all the items rhyme today. Heathcliff smiles, and he takes those two earrings, and he says, well, it seems like that's a good day of doing biz. I will see you all next time you've run into a quandary that you need my magical services to assist you in.

And he takes those two earrings, and he closes his giant paw around them and gives you a little wink and then descends down into the depths with a woosh, a magic wooosh. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your classic car enthusiast. I love these old hot rods. Got to get myself in one of these. Thanks for us into the Adventure Zone. It's the ninth episode of our Amnesty arc. sure hope you're enjoying it and I sure hope you enjoyed these advertisements I'm about to read. I also want to tell you about Greenleaf Baby and these are babies that sort of fell into a big

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And then after that, we will do a random drawing to choose folks who will be eligible to buy jumbotrons for the second half of 2018. So again, you enter this raffle and you might end up being able to purchase. a Jumbotron, I know that is strange, but demand has sort of surpassed the available slots. And so the best way to, you know, get these in folks' hands is with appropriately enough, a roll of the dice. So for complete details, please visit Maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron Raffle, and you can email Daniel at maximum fun.org with any questions.

Thanks to Maximum Fun for helping us out with that. You can go to Maximumfund.org. Check out all the great shows they have there. If you want to hear other stuff we do, it's all at mackleroyshows.com. And thank you to you for tweeting about the show using the Zon Cast hashtag. If you do that, you might end up as a character on the show. Characters like the ones you're about to meet here in the second half of this episode. We really appreciate you spreading the word, especially as we are still kind of, you know, finding our way here in the second season of the show.

That is it. We are going to be back in two weeks with the next episode of the Adventure Zone Amnesty. So we will talk to you on June 14th. So see you then. Hang loose. Have a great summer. Talk to you later. Bye. So Vincent has led you all back through the catacombs and onto the surface of Sylvain, back through the avenue of shops and restaurants, and across the bridge, spanning the river at the center of town, right to the entrance of the castle that you spotted during your arrival. It's time to make yourselves known to the interpreter, as you sort of promised when you showed up here. And he takes you across that bridge and you are now in the courtyard. In front of this castle, it is a courtyard leading up towards a large staircase into

the castle's imposing front door. And as you walk through this courtyard, you see that big orange crystal that you saw earlier up close. And Aubrey, whatever like attunement you have to magic stuff, you can feel the power radiating out of this thing. You feel a warmth coming from it. You almost feel like kind of a sad longing emanating from it, too. But all of you, though, see something even more concerning at its base. There's a fleet of city guards standing in a perimeter around the crystal, and they are shepherding a line of residents of Sylvain in a queue toward it. And one by one, these residents, they reach the front of the line, and they produce a

slip of paper to the guards, and they proceed to touch the crystal just for several seconds before another guard steps in to quickly usher them away. And Vincent says, I would appreciate it if you would all give that crystal a wide berth. What is that? Well, that's the heart of Sylvain. It's what sustains all of us over here. What's everybody doing? They're getting their allotment of light for the day. They're filling up the old tank. Aubrey looks at Duck and Ned like, So what should we do? You don't feel that? Yeah, I don't feel anything.

No, uh-uh. Vincent, I can feel the crystal. Is that normal? What do you feel, Aubrey? Like, it wants a hug. Like, I want to touch it. You absolutely can't touch it, Aubrey. I want to touch it, though, like really bad.

I want to touch it. Vincent has been, like, very, very affable for all of your interactions that you've had with him so far. but when you sort of reinforce that, his demeanor changes. And he says, Aubrey, you absolutely cannot touch it. I forbid it. What would happen? I don't know what would happen, but...

Seems like she can touch it there, right? Like the crystal wants me to touch it, feel sad. He gestures to the crowd of people waiting to touch the crystal, and he says, wouldn't you be sad seeing this? He says, you can't touch the crystal. Earthlings are forbidden. The crystal was damaged as you can't. can see. And he gestures up. And sure enough, there's a huge chunk just sort of carved off the side of it.

He says, it was damaged long ago by an attack from your world against ours. That was led by humans, Aubrey. Humans are forbidden to even usually be this close to the crystal. Its power has faded since that attack. There's not enough light to go around. It is a sad state of affairs in Sylvain, and it's solely because of your people. So, no, you, you cannot touch it. Come on, let's, let's go. They're expecting us. Aren't you curious, though, like, why I can feel it?

He sighs and he says, I am, but not enough to allow something so risky, so, so profane. Come on. And he leads you into the castle. You head into this large entrance hall where there is a long blue carpet leading between about a dozen pillars of carved marble, sort of lining other side of the carpet, and each one has an armed guard stationed in front of it. And you walk down this carpet to the end of the hall where there is a large wooden door. And he stops and he says, so I've got to go in first. A guard will tell you when you're allowed to enter. You all seem quite pleasant. Your obsession with touching the

forbidden crystal aside. And I would prefer to continue working with you as the pine guard, if possible. believe some of the humans I've had to interact with over the past few decades. Ooh, dish. I'm not, I'm not going to dish the goss. Dish the goss. I am not like that big cat downstairs. Oh, are you gossiping about the big cat? Oh, you caught me in a trap.

Anyway, I like the three of you, so please be on your best behavior in there. I know, I know how vital the work you do on earth is for our peace to stay intact, but the rest can't be said for all sylvan kind. Just keep a level head. You're going to do great. And he gives you a big furry thumbs up, and he slips through the door and closes it behind him. I know one thing about Sylvain.

The military has got to be the number one employer. There's guards every whipstitch. Whipstitch? It's a colloquialism. Okay. All right. I know what Ned's going to say. Duck.

I want to touch. Yeah, you've made that pretty clear. Yeah, I wasn't secretive about it. Maybe not right now. Right. But like, at some point, you're going to help me out with that? Why do you need to touch it? I don't know, duck.

It's just, okay, imagine walking by, say, a tree. And suddenly, that tree made you, like, buzz and, like, you could feel the presence of that tree. And I mean, really feel that tree. Do you think you would just be like, hmm, cool, and keep walking by it? Yeah, it doesn't exactly. work like that, but I see where you're coming from. Right. But I don't necessarily want to get on the bad side of these fellows and ladies.

It seems like kind of a dangerous, dangerous thing to try. I mean, they say you shouldn't touch the crystal. I'm not going to touch it now. And I will continue to work through the proper means to convince them to allow me to touch it. Yeah, I mean, if you file all the required permits. But at some point... No, no, that's not the way to go. You kind of bend the rules a little bit.

No, thank you, Grandad Devil. I know. At some point, I might have to break the rules to touch that stone. And Doc, I'm going to need you to be okay with that. I'll give you a heads up before it happens. Maybe the opposite. Maybe even the opposite. Maybe you just don't tell me that it's happening and maybe I'm not around.

How's that sound? We'll figure it out. Okay, well, let's tell you what. Maybe we should. I've had a hell of a good time shopping and not touching crystals today. We do have the one water monster that we do want to go, that has marked us for death, that we may want to go ahead and see if we can rectify that situation. Then we'll get back to all the great shopping and crystal talk that this podcast is not for. You hear the sound of a spears butt hitting the ground and the door in front of you opens and you enter into.

the castle's royal hall. It is a cold room, almost entirely carved from the same marble as the columns outside, with a ceiling that stretches into the heavens painted with an intricate mural of dozens of sylvanes of all shapes and sizes, all just touch in the crystal, almost as if to taunt you, Aubrey. And surrounding you are rows of benches that climb the walls of the rooms designated for observers to come and watch the proceedings that take place here, they are all completely empty. In front of you are three tall pedestals adorned with crests, noting various royal titles,

and seated on top of them are three individuals who, based on the crest beneath them, you assume serve important roles in this city. There is the Minister of the Arcane, a short, sylvan woman dressed in a thick coat with several thick scarves draped around her neck. She's reading a large tome atop her pedestal and does not appear to acknowledge your presence as you enter. In the center pedestal is the Minister of Preservation, an older, large spectral man who looks down from his pedestal at your entry intensely, eyeing you with disdain, and atop the final pedestal is the Minister of Defense. It's Vincent, who gives you a wink and a quick, okay gesture with his hand as you step inside, and the door shuts behind

you, and the sound echoes through the chamber. The three ministers, are sitting atop their pedestals silently, they say nothing as you enter. Shall we kneel? Yeah, but maybe. Silence! Oh, the spectral man shouts, you will not speak until the interpreter has arrived. Do you understand me? Yeah.

Silence! Silence! God! In the meantime, Aubrey almost offhandedly, because she has been doing it so much, kind of starts nervously doing her little like fire jumping from finger to finger. The spectral man sees you and says, what do you do? Don't make a fire. Just wait silently for the answer.

Silence. Come on. We had a whole thing about silence. I didn't even notice I was doing it. Sorry. You people are so rule oriented. Oh my God. The non-silence is almost unbelievable at this point.

It's, oh, oh, and he hushes up as the sound of a loud. Cloud Creek fills the chamber, and you see a door behind the three pedestals open, and a sylvan girl, no older than 13, you would estimate, steps through the door and onto a platform that is raised behind the three pedestals. She looks tired, partially because she's wearing what appears to be a long nightgown that reaches her feet. And there is a humble throne on this platform, which she approaches and puts a hand on but doesn't sit down in. And she peers over the railing of this platform and looks at the three of you one at a time and then gives a faint smile and says, Nice to meet you. And then she turns and shuffles back through the door and out of the Royal Hall. And the Minister of Preservation on top of his pedestal says, yes, well, another inspiring declaration.

So then humans, go ahead. introduce yourselves. Okay. I'm Duck Newton. It's a nickname. I'm from the Forest Service to the Monongahela State Forest and the Pine Guard, apparently. You smell of earth and mulch. It's not entirely unpleasant.

Usually your kind have a certain stink about you. Yours is above average. Yeah. I'm not sure where you be getting the mulch from. It's just dirt. It's just dirt. It's just dirt. It's like fresh, nice, good for me.

Oh, dirt. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dirt, woods. My name is Aubrey Liddle, or you can call me The Lady Fame, if you're a fan. And I'm kind of from all over, human, pine guard, and I am dying to know what I smell like. Yours is unrebuckable. You smell of dinnum. You smell of crisp dinnum. Fresh from the horse. And I am Ned.

Aloysius Chican. Master of all I survey. What? Toastmaster. Okay. Are you eating something right now? Do you have something in your mouth? Do you have a jawbreaker in your mouth?

Dad, do you have a jawbreaker in your fucking mouth? You legally have to tell me if you have a job breaker. No, I don't do. I don't do. Podcast history. I don't do jawbreakers anymore. Are you eating during the show? Is it ice?

You have to tell me legally. This that's a truth. Look on the camera. Rewing your, everybody rewind your audio. We all heard it's right out. Is this like, now you're saying you're not eating now? Were you eating 30 seconds ago when we started asking about it? I did have a bite.

Ah, okay. What are you? Okay, hungry boy. What is so important that you had to eat it during this great podcast? Which I will let everyone know is that 4 o'clock in the afternoon, not a traditional meal time. I have blood sugar issues, you guys. Here we go. Uh-huh.

Maybe you don't know that, but I do have these issues I have to deal with. He says, uh, I see, I see, I see. Have the three of you any confirmed kills of the abominations on the other side? Do you have anything to prove your metal? Yeah, actually, we put one down. I see. I suppose you will do. Not that we have any choice of the matter.

So, my name is Woodbridge, Minister of Preservation. I ensure the... Hi. Hi, yes. I ensure the survival of our kind in the wake of your world's countless, ruthless, assaults. Yeah, we can be real assholes. And he points to the woman dressed in all of the thick clothing to his side and says, this taciturn individual to my right is the minister of the arcane, Janelle, who spends

her days in unending study of Sylvain's deepest mysteries. And to my left is Vincent, Minister of Defense, whom I assume based on the fact that he winked at you as you entered, that you have already befriended, I encourage you to take that endorsement with a large grain of salt. He has never met an earthling whom he was not instantly fond of. Miss Janelle, was it?

She does not acknowledge you. She is deep, nose deep in this book that she's reading. I'm a human that can do magic. That does it. She looks up just a second and kind of eyes you over. Watch. What is the

You can't just say It's like a fire in my hands Like I'm holding a flame Sure once you Since you're trying to do it to accomplish something Right you're trying to do it to impress this person I think You should probably roll use magic

Oh not great Uh it's six Yeah go ahead and mark experience there Aubrey And there is a glitch Oh it's not a glitch On a miss, okay, this is what it says for use magic. On a miss, you lose control of the magic.

This never ends well. So you do whip up a zesty fireball, but instead of staying put in your hand, it launches forward as if with a mind of its own toward the pedestal of the minister of the arcane, who reflexively ducks down beneath her pedestal as the fireball collides with it, setting it ablaze and that was an accident and engulfing the book that was sitting on top of it and after that impact you see her reappear and wave her hand and as she does so the fire swirls and then dies down

and she sits back down at her pedestal and looks at the now charred and destroyed book in front of her which she kind of sighs closes the book and peers at you I cannot stress enough how much of an accident that was, and also, if you think about it, a clear indication that I might need your help. Woodbridge, the Minister of Preservation, looks horrified that you just seemingly attacked one of the ministers, but Janelle says, It's fine, Woodbridge, it's fine. I mean, this book was rumored to contain the secrets of a spell that, if prepared properly, could cure any known. disease, and I had just gotten to the good part, but, oh, well, spilled milk and all that.

So, what can I do for you? I am good at fire, sort of, all evidence to the contrary, but that's all I can do, and I need more control, and I need more versatility, and I need to be able to do things other than just set stuff on fire, please. If you could just, I will read a book about it if that's easier, or if you want to like tap me on the forehead and I fall asleep for a minute and I come back and I know a bunch of stuff, that would be great. Or if there's like a magic pie I could eat, that would be cool.

Whatever, whatever you've got, I need it. Unfortunately, I am fresh out of magic pie, so we may have to do things the old-fashioned way. I need you to understand, though, Aubrey. I live a life that necessitates unwavering focus on my studies, to unlock Sylvain's secrets so that our people might live a better life. And yet, your presence here, is a puzzle. I will no doubt be consumed by until it is solved, which is deeply, profoundly inconvenient. That being said, I have set aside a few brief moments of each day from my studies to fulfill my biological requirements and breathe a few breaths of the sweet night air. I suppose I can grant you some of this time, Aubrey Little.

I will learn how you came across your fledgling power and you will learn from me how to hone it. All that I would ask is that when you do visit me for these lessons, you will wait for me to be ready. Tell me, is patience one of your more valued virtue? She sighs. Thank you, everybody. I'll be here all day. She says, no, I detect an unrelenting impatience that dwells within you. It makes sense now that fire is the element that has answered your call. Fire is foolhardy.

It is impulsive. It is a force of blind destruction. You treat it as a weapon, and it behaves as such. Consider this until next we meet, Aubrey. little. You cannot speak to the other elements because you do not know their language. You will be unable to harness all of the elements until you stop thinking of them as primitive weapons and instead treat them as they truly are, as blessings from a cosmic force beyond your current comprehension. I look forward to our first lesson. And then she reaches into her pocket and she pulls out what

appears to be a small pocket watch, which she looks over and says, three minutes and 51 seconds, I'll have to make this up tonight. And then she reaches under her pedestal and retrieves another gigantic book, which she cracks open and dives right back into. Oh, okay. Rudbridge says, do you have anything else? We already sort of did the big meeting with the interpreters. So if you...

Who is that, by the way? The interpreter is something of a leader of our community. She, well, she literally interprets the will of Sylvain by speaking to it and understanding it's... Like the stone? The stone is but a part of Sylvain. Sylvain is the planet upon which we all stand. But she can speak to the stone? She can speak to the planet.

She seemed kind of disinterested. Is that fair to say? I do not think it's appropriate to comment on her demeanor. Her job here is impossible for any other person alive to do. So I would not hold her exhaustion against her, Doc. Is she actually a teenager, or is this one of those like Narnia things? She is young, yes. She is fairly new to the role that has been placed upon her shoulders.

It is not one of these Narnia things. Can we go back yet? Yeah, I wish you would. It would be great. Excellent, because I feel like we're about as well equipped to do what we need to do. Yeah, is that a jetpack? What's going on there? Please be careful with it. It honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I don't even really like carrying it. I'm really getting pretty stoked about taking it home. I'm half tempted to leave it on the ground as we go back to our world, but I figure I'll hold on to it.

If nothing else, I can chuck it at something and try to blow it up. It's called the Flymaster. A rad name. Please do go, though. That would be fantastic for me and for, you know, everyone. Yeah, I guess we'll go and I'll think about my magic as a gift from the cosmos. The guards by the door pound their spears down again and it opens. and the three of you head back out to the entrance hall,

and moments later you are met by Vincent, who seems winded after running all the way down here to meet you. And he walks with you back through the city to the archway, back to Kepler. And he nods to the squirrel-headed guard, who catches the moonlight on their shield and shines it onto the gate, which fills with light. And Vincent says, you all did

fair you know what it actually didn't go the best because you did almost explode one of the ministers which to be fair

to you I didn't say you shouldn't do but I thought it maybe would have been assumed that you shouldn't try to blow up

one of the people you were meeting with but it seemed like she was okay with it so I would say five out of ten

I'll take it yeah that's not bad for us he says um One thing before you go, have any of you seen any good movies lately? Hmm?

Sorry? He says, I know it's not really part of the gig. I'm fascinated by your world's pop culture. It's just, it's not important. I just thought, you know, if you had any recommendations or reviews or anything, Mama used to smuggle me in some DVDs from time to time. Have you seen Black Panther yet? I have not.

It is, is that one out on one of your DVDs? Not yet, but when it is, I'll get, I'll get your copy. It's, oh. Does the name Tommy Wayeshoe mean anything to you? He's from our world. That does not. There it is. Yes, I know that's something of a mystery in your world,

where he originates from, and I can go ahead and put that to bed. He is a mummy man. So, yes, I'm very familiar with them. Quite a scoundrel that one. Listen, this is... You're right, the monster, the monster. It's so much more important than, like, my hobby or whatever. But we can bring you...

We'll bring you some. We'll hit Red Box and make you a bunch. Okay, that sounds perfect. Okay, good luck. Okay, bye. The three of you step through the archway. Ned, it is Saturday night, late Saturday night, and that means it's time for your big television debut for Saturday Night Dead, the television show that you do because you said you did it like three episodes

ago. You're back at the Cryptonomica. It is after everything else that transpired today. By the way, this whole arc so far has just been one very wild day that you all have had, and now you're coming down off the end of it, and you're back at the Cryptonomica about to do a quick television show. Can you give me a little bit of flavor for Saturday Night, Dad? What's the vibe you're going for here? Well, I don't want to go full-on old-school horror movie night. We're using cameras in the cryptonomica, and because of that, it's kind of a natural setting. But it'll be sort of like a night gallery feel.

Maybe I'm standing in front of the case with George Washington's upper plate, or, you know, I'm standing in front of the case with Blackbeard's treasure or something. So it's always visually, very different, very atmospheric. Are you dressed up like the cryptkeeper, or is it just sort of Ned giving you full net? No, I don't want it to be quite that hokey, but Ned is a very stylish dresser. You know, he's got the long scarf and he's got the clicks and the west get. You know, he's dressed up for it. I mean, he wants to put on a good show. All right.

I think there's a couple folks from the TV station, which is only one of, like, a very small handful that services, like, a pretty large area since you all are in the radio quiet zone. They're just sort of operating the lights. There's probably a camera person there. and then you have Kirby with a headset on, I think, helping out with just sort of some stage management. That's what they call it for television shows. Yep. And he slides the headset off and walks over to you, and he's like, mad, man, I've got to tell you, I'm pretty nervous. This is, I feel like we didn't rehearse this at all.

In fact, I kind of thought we had a dress rehearsal scheduled for earlier in the day, but then you weren't here at all today. and so I just think that maybe this has a good chance of being a big disaster. I missed that. I'm sorry. I should have checked my Google calendar, but it'll be fine. Listen, this is all about energy, Kirby. This is all about bringing a spontaneity and an excitement to it. It's a live show, a live program beaming into literally tens of people's homes.

Let's use that nervousness. Use that fear. that energy to create something amazing. Yeah, I mean, that's all going to be on you. I think it's going to go quite bad, but good luck. We're on in five, four. I'm doing the thing with my hand. Three, two, I can't talk.

What? Go. Welcome, my friends. This is Saturday night dead. Live, or I should say, dead. From the Cryptonomica, I am your host, Ned Superstar Chican. And I welcome you to this palace of the bazaar, this home for humbuggery. This is the place where you can surrender yourself for the next two hours to enjoy one of the finest science fiction horror movies ever made.

Set here in the fabulous Cryptonamica. Our movie tonight is Beast with a Thousand Eyes. So tonight we are going to take you through this movie and also let you come to know some of the amazing things we have here at the Cryptonomica. Located just off Route 61.55. All you have to do is come down and see us. We're open eight hours a day, five days a week, 342 days a year. And we are there to serve all of your bizarre, weird,

needs when it comes to the macabre. So, shall we begin? Yeah, yes. Yeah? Yeah? I don't know if I was supposed to talk. Yeah, go for it. I am so excited to have with me here, joining me on stage, on scene.

I would like my two friends, Doc Newton, to come out. Also, the magical, mystical Lady Flame. Come out here and take a bow. You two? Okay. Duck, come on. Come on, just for a minute. Just come on.

Hey, everybody. This is the amazing Lady Flame. Do a trick. Oh, um, do some of them. Don't burn anything down, but do a little magic, why don't you? Okay. It's going to be a really, like, fairly cool side of hand, especially with a camera. This is your card kind of thing.

Oh, but at first it's one of those tricks where it's like, oh, it seems like she got it wrong, right? And she's like, oh, yeah, you're right. And then she opens up her. Jacket, and there's a patch of like, you know, the three of clubs sewn into the inside. And she's like, oh, was this it? Whoa! Oh, amazing magic like that is a common occurrence here at the Cryptonomica, State Road 160, 55. Come down and see us.

Now, Doc, show them your talking sword trick. I don't know what you're talking about. You asked me to come out here and give an announcement about Forest Safety, and I am happy to remind everybody that after you finish having fun out in the forest, uh, it's great to dump water on your fire. But do give it a good stir around once you've dumped the water on because sometimes, uh,

there can be small embers that won't be extinguished. So it is important that you sort of create a dirt slurry. Anyway, yep. So stay safe out there. Thank, thank you, Doug. And, and, and now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Now you've met some of the folks here responsible for our fabulous show. Let's get right to some of the thrills and chills.

Starring Paul Birch, Lori Taylor, and Donna Cole. This is The Beast with a Thousand Eyes. A Million Eyes. What? The Million Eyes. That's what I said. Beast with a million eyes. She said a thousand. It's fine.

Start the movie. We see a prison. two counties away. We see a common area. We see a pair of guards watching a small assembly of prisoners who are all seated in front of a small television. And one of the prisoners is holding the remote and flipping through the channels, trying to find something for the group to watch. and they flip through some home shopping stuff. They flip through a couple infomercials, adult swim probably.

They flip through Saturday Night Live, just scoot right on past that. They flip past Saturday Night Dead, leaving it lingering on the channel for just a few moments before changing it to another home shopping network special. And a prisoner seated a couple rows back, walks up, and puts his hand on the prisoner holding the remote. And this prisoner says, Would you do me a favor and flip back the channel for me? And the other prisoner does.

And this man laughs. And he points at Ned on a television screen. And he says, I know that, bloke. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener support. Hi everybody, I'm Justin McElroy.

And I'm Dr. Sidney McElroy. Every week, we release a medical history podcast called Sawbones. We go over the history of the dumbest, grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach turning, you won't believe it. But it's also like, funny. It's funny. It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff.

you can imagine. It's a real hoot. It's called Sawbones, and we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold, and right here on Maximum Fun.org. Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott,

and we're the host of Everything's coming up Simpsons. Every episode, we cover a different episode of The Simpsons that is a favorite of our special guest. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright. I got a D-Mines. I passed.

And we've also had people that are on the Max Fun Network already. Homer wearing That golf outfit is so funny. And when he gets super into golf, he's wearing the golf hat in bed. We've had Weird Al Yankovic on the show. I was just struck by how sharp the writing is.

I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons. But, I mean, like, you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point had been on the year for 14 years. Find us on Maximumfund.org, iTunes, or wherever you get your podcast. All right. Smell you later.