The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Amnesty Halloween Special!

Episode Date: November 12, 2020

In lieu of a regular episode this week, we've got something truly buckwild (and almost timely) for you: A live, extra scary Halloween installment of The Adventure Zone: Amnesty! Join Duck, Aubrey and Ned as they muster all the courage they can as they enter Kepler's most perilous hunting grounds: Dave's Dehumidifier Depot! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. If you couldn't tell from the music and the costumes, we're going to be doing Amnesty tonight. And here's the good news. Some of you out there maybe aren't caught up on Amnesty, and you're like, oh, no, this is non-canonical. The way I have described it to my family is it's a non-canonical,

non-temporal episode of the Adventure Zone Amnesty. It will be fun, fancy-free, Halloween spooktacular. So should you introduce yourselves and your characters in case we have people who are all new to amnesty entirely? So I am Travis McRoy. And I will be playing Aubrey Little, aka the Lady Flame. She is in Monster of the Week terminology, a spell slinger. Yes. Mack?

I am Clint McElroy. And tonight I will be playing raconteur, attraction owner, Pine Guard member, Ned Chican. My name is Justin McRoyance and I'm playing Duck Newton. You know, I was just thinking

it must be weird coming to see the adventure zone. It would be like going to see the Rolling Stones and not wondering if they're going to play Start Me Up, but wondering if it will be the British ones? It must be weird. Yeah. And I'm Griffin Macroy. I'll be playing Lindsay Buckingham

on the cover of Fleetwood Max Rumors. Uh, yeah, it's gonna be a wild one. We have, we have all kinds of fun stuff, plan, some exciting, I don't, I hope you do. Exclusive content. It is Halloween in Kepler, West Virginia. Nearby fields of corn, widely accepted as the scariest most ominous vegetable, have been trampled into mazes.

Ominous shapes have been carved into gourd flesh to form haunting illuminated visages. Hey, Griffin, real quick. You know that corn mazes don't happen because people just walked over them enough that they became a corn maze, right? They're not trampled down to make a maze. They're lovingly crafted into a maze. But there's trampling involved, right?

You have metaphorically wanted to do a discussion about deeming the adventure zone without meaning to, I think. Okay, go on. Thrifty parents have purchased those huge bags of candy that nobody would buy separately, allowing milk duds and smarties to cross-contaminate in an inscrutable, nauseating Jubilee.

The Riverside District of Kepler has been thoroughly encrusted with spooky holiday trappings, but on the banks of the Greenbrier River, one small business has truly gone buck wild with the ghoulish decor. Ned Chicanin. What does the kryptonamica look like come Halloween? Um, let's see, extra creepy paper. Extra creepy paper? He means crepe paper, and he's making a funny joke. Actually, no and no.

I think you are. A lot of paper mache heads. Jesus. And a lot of, you know those, how you can spray and have the fake spider webs? Yes. Okay, he's got a lot of the fake spider webs and blood dripping off of it.

Real blood. It just looks like a fucking crime scene? Where did Ned get real blood? Well, well. He's got a lot of stuff. Shaving accident. The bell above the door rings as you and Kirby are readying the Kriomacca for the Halloween night festivities.

I imagine it usually pops off quite hard. And in walks, Aubrey and Duck. And for the first time, the three of you see each other in your costumes. What are you all dressed as this Halloween? Oh, you came to me first. Scorpio from Mortal Kombat. Scorpio. You know, Scorpio, that's what Duck tells everybody he is.

He's wearing it, but he cheaped out on it, so it's just a black sweatsuit with a yellow paintball vest. He's got a black t-shirt tied around his face. I also imagine he was more of a street fighter kid because it is Scorpion. That's a joke. It's a hilarious joke. Oh, it's knockoff Scorpion. Yeah. Wow, we're all really botching each other's jokes tonight.

Mack? Scarface. That is dressed as Scarface. Okay. It's got a really spiffy white suit and a black shirt. Okay, and Aubrey. Aubrey is dressed as her favorite podcast character, Magnus Burnside. Oh, fuck off.

Oh, don't applaud. No, don't do it. She loves the Adventure Zone. But really, who doesn't? A canonical podcast within the podcast, The Adventure Sun. Okay, then I'm dressed as Clint McElroy. Spacefaring janitor, Clint McElroy. Deadbeat Dad, Clint McElroy.

Our Canon is so fucked up at this point. Okay, anyway. Duck and Aubrey, when you arrive, you inter-expecting to see just an out-of-control, All-Hallow's rager, but instead, there's just Ned and Kirby in here. Kirby's dressed is Spider-Man, and he is standing behind a refreshment.

Which one? The Andrew Garfield one. So he's just doing a lot of quippy, sort of all-quippy, quippy, comfortable, casual one-liners. And he's so handsome. and he's standing behind a refreshment table lined with finger sandwiches

and cool cans of R.C. Cola. And he says, oh, it's me, your regional friendly spider guy. Y'all want some finger sandwiches and cool cans of R.C. Cola? Are they made of real fingers? No. Wow. When did you become me?

I was just trying to get into the mood. No, thank you. I'm just trying to get the party started. I don't know where everybody is. Oh, sorry, man. Did you invite a lot of people or what? I mean, usually people show up, Ned. What's going on?

Well, Kirby, you obviously invited the wrong people. They're probably all in traffic in New York City. Let's hold the party for 40 minutes and see what happens. But then we'd have to work extra hard to get the party crowd back on our side when we started the party. Good point. Kirby, get the Twister game. And what about the people who hired babysitters? They may not want to buy our party merch.

I hope they do. Yes, because we have beautiful posters. Okay, the give shop. The bell rings again. And in walks, Winthrop. And Winthrop is... Winthrop's wearing a nice gray suit. Otherwise, he looks a little bit tired,

a little bit draggled. And he says, oh, yikes. I didn't realize. you all were in the middle of a visitation or awake or something. I can come back later. No, it's a, this is a party. Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

Why don't you state your business, you miserable piece of shit? You know the fucking score with me, Winthrop. Don't even fucking start, man. We're trying to have a nice gathering me and all my friends and some other friends that... These aren't all my friends. I got other friends, all right? He does.

I've seen them. Hey, I got other friends, Winthrop. Yeah, I'm sure. Everybody getting along to this guy? He's acting like these are the friends I got. Oh, yeah, I've seen some of your other friends, like, uh... Yeah. Yeah.

You know? The one named after a bird. Juno? Juno. Juneau, sure. Juneau bird. I think I actually saw her the rest of us, by which I mean, the rest of the town, are at a way more badass block party up the street.

Oh, what? Really? Yeah, I'm actually missing. missing Muffy. I thought she may have come here to use your water closet, which is what I call bathrooms. I mean, I haven't seen her. Ned, you've been here. Is Muffy here? Oh, I'd remember. Whoa.

All right, pal. Because nobody's been here all day. And she's hot. Oh. Hell yeah, dude. Fucking get him. Get him, Ned. So no. I haven't seen her all day. Well This is a weird energy I'm not really sure how to proceed here

I guess I'm not welcome here And barely The rest of this episode is just going to be The three of you at a very bad Small party Hey we'll keep an eye off for Muffy There's clearly something wrong What's what brought you here?

What are you? I thought I told Muffy Yeah but you look like even more shit than normal What's wrong? I'm just tired. And I'm missing my partner, Muffy, and I'm so tired. Are you wanting us to go look for? If you don't mind helping out, I wouldn't say no.

Is he wearing a turtleneck? No. He's wearing a nice gray suit. That is his costume. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to investigate a mystery, see if I can tell anything else weird about him. Okay. That's a for a four-end.

ignore me. It was just a four. I don't see anything. We can skip me. Okay. Anybody else want to roll to investigate a mystery in the game? Yes, Ned will roll to investigate a mystery

in the game. I love that you're rolling one huge dice and one small dice. Oh, that's snake eyes. I rolled in 11. An 11. Okay, now I'm going to take a hard move, actually, on both of you. Both of the RC colas you're holding explode in your face and their costumes are all sticking.

Aubrey's holding an RC Cola too, and she goes, Come on. Investigate good. Nope. That's a six total. Oh no. My doublet.

Do either of you want to help Aubrey out in looking at this one guy? There's just too many bloody spider webs everywhere. I can't get a clear view. I'll help out. Aubrey, check the top half of him. That's an eight. That helps, right?

That's sufficient. You get a mixed success. Your can also explodes, but you realize he's got a bite on his neck. Ah, yeah. Not like two fang bites, but just like a bite that somebody went in on there, broke the skin a little bit, and got a bite there. Hey, not to pry. Yeah.

Jiggy bit. That's private. Are you going to help me find Muffy or not? Well, at least we have a dental imprint now. That's true, man. That's our first clue. Good work, Ned. Thank you.

This has got an extremely personal. Can I? Yes. I have a little bit of experience with vampires. I haven't. Well, wait, yeah, you're cool. I know you're in, like, a murder hunt club. Wink.

My girlfriend happens to be a vampire. vampire. Okay. I don't see how I don't see how that's relevant to anything. I think you've been vampired. That's wild. I'm not a vampire. This isn't a vampire costume.

I'm dressed, I'm going as a guy who would wear an untailored off the rack suit from Joseph A. Bank. Can you imagine? Oh my God. Okay, first let me say, you nailed it. But secondly, Vampires can dress however they want, all right? It's 2019.

Okay, this is getting breechy. I'm going back to the party. Hopefully I'll meet you there and you can help me find Muffy and maybe get to the bottom of this mystery. Just kidding. It is private, though, and he walks out the door. So he got bit by a vampire, right? I mean, you would know, man.

Then you know what? He got bit by a vampire. All right. Period. Full stop. Kirby says, yeah, I saw that too. Ned, listen. We'd been doing our right business since.

It's the Bigfoot thing, but y'all capture a Dracula, and we turn this place into a Dracula zoo? We're set for life, man. I don't like any of that. Yeah, you can't do that, man. I like it. Let's go catch a Dracula dude.

Would you just... You would pay a Dracula fair wage, right? If it came here and... It would be an employee, right? You wouldn't be holding the Dracula hostage. Right, you would pay the Dracula to work here, right? It'd be more of an internship. All right.

Because he can only work nights. That is also not true. You know Danny. Danny is out in the sun all the time. She has a lot of sunblock. All right. Okay. We need a...

Is Winthrop still here? He left. He went back to the party, hoping you would follow. We follow. We follow. We follow. Okay. You all walk up the dirt road

toward the main drag and hear approximately one Coachella's worth of party noise in the distance. As you turn the corner, you see its source. A half dozen floodlights wave through the air, flanking a large neon-lit ferris wheel towering over a music performance stage. How did we miss this?

The spin doctors are shredding on the stage. No way! Lovely smells of unlikely fried goods waffs through the air and crowds of people are flooding through a decorated archway. And at the center of this enormous, all-inspiring festival is the business that has so completely stole, and your Halloween thunder, Ned. It's Dave's dehumidifier depo.

You, Dave! You step into the center of this block party surrounding this monolith of artificial dryness. That's some good-ass writing. I don't know why I wrote that. Good writing, baby. You see a crowd. Slow it down.

I'm trying to take notes. Anyway, you see Dave. There's other stuff, too, but now I feel self-conscious. No, now paint me a picture of Dave. Come. Pretend I wrote a whole thing about the spin doctors Yes, really.

Come on. No, I didn't really. I was lying, and now I'm going to have to make up some poetic shit about the spin doctors. That's okay, Griffin. I know you can't be wrong. Just go ahead now. Thank you. So the spin doctors are doing their thing on the stage.

Singing a song about Jimmy Olson, I guess. Someone drops a whole corn dog from the top of the Ferris wheel, and you hear somebody else shit. From far away. And standing at the entrance of his business, you see Dave. small and gregarious and dressed in an extremely unconvincing Dracula costume. And he says, Oh, geez, hey there, Ned. I didn't expect to see.

I thought you'd be man in the fort. Well, what fort would that be, Dave? Your bit, your business. Oh, I'm done. I'm through with that. I'm now a professional ravegoer. Yeah, there's just no money in monsters. No, the money is in being a ravegoer.

Right. I just heard great things about your little feet here, and I thought I would come. I guess they are kind of small. Dave, what is your last name? I feel bad that we've lived here all these years. Bibubidifier. So it's Dave Bhibitifier's dehumidifier. That is such an unlikely coincidence.

Or maybe faded. Yeah, it might have led him to that bad. And, Doug, hey, it's been a while. How's that Honeywell designer series S200 treating you? Oh, man, I'm... Your eyes of popcorn fart, man. It's radical over my place. No moisture to be found.

I've seen it. His wallpaper is perfectly smooth. You try to spit over there. People think you're a bad whistler. And there's just no moisture. And thank you for hauling away that humidifier. waste of money that was. Gross, red.

Swampy shit. Yeah, thank you. Dehumidification is where it is at. That's what I always said. You plug a dehumidifier and a humidifier next to each other. I think we know who's going to come out on top. I can't believe there are people at your party.

All right. I didn't recognize your costume at first, but now I guess you're a person who hurts other people's feelings. That's a little... Scarface. You. Yeah. That's a fair point. Anyway, what are y'all doing here?

We're here to party. Yeah, I know we was at the other thing. We were just trying to be nice for a little while. I was planning on coming a little later after I kind of made an appearance at the boring one. You know words hurt. Oh, do they? Weird. Anyway.

Went through a block seven says, Hey there, Dave. I was hoping maybe we could take another trip through the old haunted house. I'm worried Muffy might still be in Sunday. Oh, shit. You got a haunted house? Yeah, it's been a pretty good... Hell yeah, man, you lead with that shit.

It's been a banner year for the dehumidifier industry, so I had to spend it on... It was a wet year. All right, and so we turned the whole warehouse, and it was a spookatorium and Weta collaborated on it, actually. It was a cool... Damn. ...a project. Yeah, it's a good year. I'm on some Guillermo del Toro shit, so...

Yeah, I guess I can waive the fee for. old friends. If y'all want to go back in, that's sure. I mean, it's $60 plus tax. It's a really nice haunted house, but... Do you have a back door? I'm just asking, you know, safety code. I just said you could go in for free and get the old friend

discount, and now you're talking about breaking an interim. Oh, I was reading between the lines. I didn't think I was a friend anymore, but good, okay. Anyway, have fun. I hope you don't get frightened to death. Is that a threat, Dave? And he opens the door and a plastic skeleton swings down and he goes, Bra!

Holy shit. That's pretty good. Did you guys see that? That kicked that. I didn't even think there would be a skeleton there. Damn. Got me again, Dave. We go in.

In fact, Aubrey Rush is done. Okay. See? He's going to do that all night. No. I won't. I'll be very tasteful. I feel like you were saying something.

No, I'm just decided for the haunted house. Okay. The door behind the four of you with Winthrop, who has joined you, swing shut. And you turn to realize that on the inside, this door is... Thank you, Paul. I asked Paul to DJ with some royalty-free spooky music. The spookiest and the freest. I haven't listened to any of it, so...

Should be good. That's very bassy. That's extremely... We haven't sound-checked this, so please let us know if you cannot hear because of the music. Anyway, the door behind you swings shut and on the inside, you realize

it's been built into a bookshelf. This entrance disappears as it shuts and you get your bearings. You're in a study, dimly lit, but for several reading lamps placed on several fine wooden desks. The exit to this room is, I feel like I should be talking spookier

because of the music. You're doing great. You're being nice and spooker. The exit to this room is a set of wooden double doors flanked by rows of filing cabinets. The spookiest of cabinets. Well, no, spice and then filing. And then way at the bottom of this pie.

Yep, because there's pie in there. Yeah. Sitting up one of the desks, looking idly at his phone, you see an extremely bored young man dressed in elegant finery. He sighs as he sees you and pockets his phone that he was looking at, and he dons a monocle. And he picks up a script from under the desk, and he says,

hello and welcome to Dave's Dehumidifier Depot and Weta Workshop presents the spookatorium, a twisted labyrinth of deadly surprises and terrifying delights. I'm your good host and junior sales associate Gordo Pildens, and this is my study. Smell my expensive wooden furniture. Marvel at my well-organized and valuable paper documents and rare books. It would be a shame if anything happened to them.

Are you threatening yourself, Gordo? And then he stands up and he flips a switch under the desk and fog machines activate flooding the room with humidity and he says, oh no, it's natural household condensation, prevalent in humid climates are properties adjacent to large bodies of water. See how my precious wood furniture has begun to warp and my valuable documents and books integrity is at risk.

Also, uh, chew. I suffer from seasonal allergies and the mold caused by this humidity has made my life a nightmare. Why did I pass on the great deals that they've seen? It was the worst mistake I ever made. So he's an influencer. Fuck. Genius.

And then he walks to the back of the room and pushes open a bookshelf revealing a door. And then he goes and sits back down at his desk and pulls out his phone. Damn. I mean, what's scary. You got a hand it to him. Yeah, but it was more esoterically scary, I think. Yeah, kind of a thinker. I'm into it.

Listen, we got to make our money back somehow. Yeah, I get it. Well, let's head on. You do charge tickets. Yeah, go back. A 60 bucks are pop! Hey, uh, you see Muffy come through here? Muff, which one's Muffy?

She's the one who's not Winthrop? Oh, yeah. Yeah, she, I think, um, what's it worth? This information. Wait, he came through with her, yes. I saw both of them at the same time. Okay. God, I hate this fucking job.

Hey, one day you'll get out of this town. Yeah, let's keep on Chuck in the next year. Wait, how old is Gordo? Gordo's like 25. Okay. It's fine. Is he on the customer? with maybe not ever getting out of this town.

When he had 20, like, there's not at 25. At that point, he's lucky to have a job in this economy, you know what I mean? I bet cost of living is pretty low in Kepler. He's probably doing okay. And technically, he could still make the 30 under 30 list. That is true.

Yeah, they'll get that shit to anybody. Okay. Hey, Gordo, keep up the good work. Just go, man. I'm done. I did my thing. Aubrey goes through the next room.

Yeah, we're all going. God, I hate this fucking. Wait, is that griffid dogging or gordo? The four of you enter the next room and see... Oh, this is great. The four of you, if you can turn it down just a little bit, the four of you, the four of you, Gene, faithful employee of the Mount Kepler Ski Lodge,

who's maybe here to make a little cash on the off-season. He's dressed like the Joker, though seemingly not inspired by any of the film Joker, which popularized the character. and he says, well, let's put a smile on your face. It's me, the Joker. Who wants to play one of my bastardly games? Oh, move me, me, me, man.

Oh, darn. Superhuman reflexes. Yeah. We got three boxes here, and I see three victims. He-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Aubrey's going to read a bad situation. Okay. Nope.

That's a sixth total. Shit, man. I'm going to take a hard move here. One of your sideburns falls off, and the glue is like fully, I think it was compromised in the RC Cola explosion. So now you're just Magnus Sideburn. Or burn side, oh, no, my, it doesn't work. He says, so anyway, to open this door behind me,

you have to stick your hands in these three boxes and get the keys out. But beware, because these boxes got nasty. spooky stuff in them. Okay, I'm not ruining my gloves. Who's going? I'll do it. Fuck. All righty. But beware. I put my hand in the middle one.

Roll to act under pressure. That's an 11. At 11. You stick the hand in the box and you're cool as shit, man. You're Paula Trades in there. No big deal. You feel some spherical, slimy objects, and he goes, Look out, it's witch's eyeballs.

Holy fuck! You're gonna pull my hand out. You gotta warn me. You pull back and you actually have one in your head. It's just a peeled grape. It's just a peeled grape. Wait, witches see with peeled grapes? Witches use peeled grapes for eyeballs.

You also retrieve a small brass key. Hell yeah. Look at guys, look it. What's up? Now, now I'll warn you. These other two boxes, one of them's got... I put both my hands in each one. Roll to act under pressure.

Mix success. Yeah, fair. That means one of the boxes goes good and one of the boxes goes bad. He says, you didn't let me finish. One's got zombie guts, one's got venomous asps. Oh. And in one of them, you feel the key very, very quickly,

and it's slimy and noodly in there. And you like, no, you've put your hand in spaghetti before. Lots of times. Lots of time. It's just spaghetti. In the other hand, you feel something like a shock as you grab a key, and when you pull your hand out reflexively, you realize there's an honest-to-god asp hanging off the end of it.

You take two harm, ignore armor. Damn. Hey, Eugene. I didn't even bring a pen. What the fuck, Eugene? Boo! No. No, Eugene.

This is not a booed scenario. There was a goddamn steak in there. I was trying to tell you that there was venomous ass but fucking... Yes, what this is? Cool. Thank you, Paul. Fucking cool hands Luke over there just had to get in them boxes. I tried to warn you.

I'm going to report this to OSHA. I don't know what that is. Listen, this haunted house supposed to be a real pants shitter. There's got to be stakes, man. All right. But not snakes. It wasn't my idea. It was Dave's idea.

I just cooked the spaghetti and peeled the grapes and then sourced and purchased the venomous asps. Jeez. Is it actually venomous? Yeah. It says so on the tin that I bought them in. Eugene? Yeah. I have two problems.

One, this is a wild animal. Yeah. There's a lot of them in there, dude. Shot the block. They are not. This is also not indigenous to the Kepler region. Oh, I'm going to flush them or something when I'm done with them. I guarantee you're not.

I'm going to have to confiscate these, Eugene. You're just going to have a box of that. And I'm going to have to write you a citation, Eugene. You know I am. You've brought a non-Indigenous species of asp into my town. So, just so I'm clear, for the rest of this haunted house. Yeah. And outside of character, the rest of the live show,

you're going to be carrying around a box of venomous asps. Yeah, there's no way those will come in handy. I guess that's only fair. I guess the next people come. There's not going to be two boxes, or I can, I don't know, I got some lifesavers in my backpack. I can say there's something like vertebra of a dragon or something. Hey, that's pretty good. Yeah, you got out of here.

We're good. We use the keys to unlock the next room? Winthrop says, it's not even, those are fake locks. Look, they're made of styrople. Yeah, you could have just gone. He hasn't said shit this whole time. He doesn't want to ruin the surprise. He's very tired.

That's fair. He says, this next room's real. Spooky spooky, spooky, though. Do you need a nap? Yes, very badly. You head into the next room and Eugene shuts the door behind you.

You pass into the next chamber and the door behind you swing shut, leaving you in complete darkness. You hear the sound of heavy, deep breathing in the distance. What do you do? Investigates a mystery. All right, Ned Chican.

That's a five and a Three plus two, that's ten. Complete success for Ned Chican. You bet your ass. Ned Chican, you get to ask me some questions. And since we're doing a live show, I'm going to say any question, so I don't have to read eight questions off a list. Ned Chican, what do you want to know about this room?

I get how many? Two. Is there any... What does the breath smell like? Oh, that's a good question. It smells like old meat and brimstone. Huh. Ooh.

Would it be weird if it smelled like new meat? Fresh Wagyu beef. And I can't help it feel like you wasted. That one was wasted. Yep. So, can we tell what is doing the breathing? How are you going to see? through this pitch darkness.

Well, Aubrey's going to ignite her hand. Okay, that works. You ignite your hand, helping Ned investigate this mystery. In the far corner of this room about 20 feet away, you see an enormous beast covered in short black fur, its head laid on its paws in a deep slumber,

and a glint from your fire shines off its spiked collar. Linked to it, in place of a tag, is a large silver key. What the fuck, Dave? Is it Braxton? And it takes a large breath, and another shape comes to rest down on its paws. Another head.

The second of three, you now observe. Okay, Aubrey's freaked out, but Travis loves it. Okay. At the far end of this room is a heavy metal door with a single large keyhole at its center. You notice two other things. There is something else in this room, between you and this three-headed, enormous dog, laying on the ground with its arms stretched desperately toward the entrance is a corpse. You can't identify who it is because their body looks from your perspective kind of ancient

like it's been here for a long time. One other thing that you notice is what you can't see. Winthrop is gone. Okay. What do you do? What the fuck? Is it, okay, how obvious is it now the fire is going to everything? Is this a real, you know, real surbris, or is it like,

is this a real Michael's superbris? Am I about to kill someone's dog with a fake dog head attached to it, like fucking Max from the Grinch to Stoom's Christmas? I feel like this is a read-a-bad situation. We can't look at it until there are two fake heads and one real dog. What a workshop helped on this. Okay, I'm going to read a bad situation. No, I'm not.

No, you're not. Because that's a three. As you. you lose control of your fire just a little bit, and it flickers, and one of the heads starts to move a little bit. I immediately douse it. Okay. Now nobody can see anything again. This is great.

Then I wait an appropriate amount of time until the story begins again, and I reignite it. All right, let's play that out. Okay. It's back to sleep. Okay. It looks pretty real. All right, all right, all right.

I'm just going to take the key. Okay. From it. Okay. It seems... Cole Wiley. Oh, okay. In a careful manner. Hey, Paul, do you have any music that goes like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Yeah, like a spooky, sneaky, a sneaky, spooky carnival. Paul can only play a royalty-free spooky music. Wait, does somebody own... Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. No one wrote that. As you approach, you realize it is only connected by a carabiner,

but it is like on its dog flesh. So this would take a lot of wily deafness to pull off. All right. If there's any one of us that's wily, it's duck. Roll to, yeah, it's definitely the one who's not on the criminal playbook. Duck. Oh, wait! Too late.

All right. I start reaching for it. Okay. And then I'm like, wait. I'm not the right. man for this. I've just had a moment of clarity, guys. I could do this for sure, but what we should do is, Ned, you try, and if that doesn't

work, I'll come up with a plan B. All right, so. I meant kill it. Ned's going to use his amazing, stealthy burglary skills. Okay. You have a move called burglary. So that would be applicable here. I was just trying to use it in the same.

sentence like the spelling bee. Okay. What does burglary do again? You get to you have to roll and then you get to choose if you get out successfully? Yes, I have your playbook here. I figured that this might happen. Yes, that's what he does. Okay. Why don't you roll plus sharp and I'll tell you what to do next? All right. You have good sharp. Two, five, that's seven and two sharp. That's a nine. Anybody want to help out to bring that up to an Even 10. Do you know why I chose you for this? Tell me.

Because I believe you could do it, man. That's a seven. Okay, you just believe enough that he can do it. Matt feels it. He's not like deeply touched, but he's like, all right, we'll talk more about this later. To be fair, Duck does no-nid pretty well. Sure.

Yeah. Okay, here, we're fudging the rules a little bit because I don't think this is what this is supposed to be used for, by which I mean, I don't think you're supposed to use this to sneak up on a serverist and steal a, the key from its neck, but you get to pick three. You get in undetected, you get out undetected, you don't leave a mess, and you find what you are after.

One and two seem huge. I'm going to go ahead and say the last one, too, where we get what we're after, those might be the three. So one, two, and four. Okay, so you leave a mess. Yeah, I mean, there's like peeled grapes laying all over the place. It's already a mess. Okay, you just stole some of his peeled grapes as a snack for later, and they fall out of your pocket to the floor.

There's ass all over the place. Right. It's a different room. But you brought them with us. A corpse. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is a very messy thing. You can't just swiffer that.

The corpse gets all sticky. Ew, from the grapes. Okay, yeah, you managed to snag this key. As your grapes fall to the ground. Exactly. I can't believe Paul had the sound of a grave falling on the ground, saved on his computer. That dog head

that started to wake up before, it starts to rouse a bit more now. Its eyes are starting to open. You have the key. What do you do? Yes, run. Thank you. Thank you for sitting in the audience.

Run. He tosses it to Aubrey. Okay? In the dark? Cool. I thought your hands were on fire. Yeah, so you toss me a fucking key. You have two hands.

Fair. I'm real hesitant to leave this here, guys. I'm pretty sure this Cerberus is not indigenous to the capital region. Yeah, here's what I'm going to do. I want to put Beacon into his flexible form, and I'm going to take him with us. Not take him with us, but you gave me a look. I'm not going to bring him. No, do it.

No. No. Hey, no. Hey, Justin. Go for it. Noah. Yes, and. I just thought it would be cool to one time have a Cerberus. Yeah, sure.

Finally. Finally, after all these years. I feel like, though, for a Cerberus, city ordinance would require three leashes. And you do have the one beacon. That's true. You know what? What?

If I may. Aubrey. I don't know. Is going to communicate with something that does not share a language. Okay. Hell yeah. Griffin, I can't wait to hear this roleplay.

I'm going to talk down this dog. Okay, unless you fail, and he's going to eat chah. Three mouths. Three heroes. It's a nine plus three, twelve. Okay. Three big bones. Three steaks.

Nummy, nummy, numby, okay, now play the character. Three big bags of bacon strips. He's asleep. He's dreaming about bones and steaks and bacon. Excuse me, Mr. Dog. I'm going to eat you. Now listen.

I understand that impulse. I'm going to eat you. Not so fast. I'm going to eat you. No, listen, I get that. I do. Three brains. You're not a zombie.

One voice. So, how did you get here? Got three bones? Yeah. You know what? You play a cool hot shot? That a corpse? Yes. Full of bones?

Yikes, yikes, yikes. I know, right? It's spooky shit. It's going to eat you? No, I know. Not so fast. My hand's on fire. Ooh. My mouth's on fire. He opens his mouth and he can breathe fire. He can?

I feel like we're really vibing at this point. How did you get to Kepler, West Virginia, my dude? Don't remember. Do you want to go home? Don't know home. Do you remember anything? We're three times sad. Did you have a plan when you decided to commune with this guy?

Yeah. Okay. I want to help you. Okay. Because listen, here's the thing. You eat us? You're still here. You're still not at home.

You sent me free? Yeah. No, I'm going to say no. But not here. I know a magical world. Oh. Yeah. Where there aren't a lot of people.

Oh. Yeah. I got bones? Yeah. Okay. I'm set. Are you sure? Do they have three bones?

Yes. Don't try and trick me. I have three brains. They have many bones. Cool. Oh, I'm going to want this to be canon. Yeah. Yeah.

So like, be chill. Okay. Hang out here. Yep. Don't eat anybody. No, no. and then I'll take you to your magical home. Okay.

Anything else you can like, I don't know, tell us about this whole day where this corpse came from, have you gotten this room, anything? Corpses came from in there. Any gestures to the next room. All right, cool, my dude. Good boy. Who's a good boy? Me?

Yeah. What about me? Yeah. What about me? You too. Great. You're our three good boys. Let's go.

Yeah, so be cool. We'll be back with bones. We can go back to sleep. Yeah. Have a cool dream. Yeah. Three big states. Ooh!

All right, let's go the next room. Good night. I'd like to take a moment. That was my favorite scene I've ever gotten to play in the adventures on. Okay. You move into the previous, the next room. You move to the previous room. You move into the next room.

And unlike the room you were just in, the chamber you find yourself in now is brightly lit and garishly decorated and pink frills and ornate pastel drawings on the walls, drawings depicting unicorns and castles and princesses and what have you. you. In fact, it takes you a moment to get your bearings and realize this chamber is enormous, as is all of the furniture and decor. In fact, you feel like you may have actually gotten much, much smaller because you find yourself surrounded by big toys, like big balls and blocks and stuffed animals that match your height. Directly in front of you is a door that stands about 20 feet high from your perspective, with a doorknob that is well out of reach. We got to eat some magic cake! Between you and the door is a table that reaches eye level. It's made of pink plastic and is set with similarly plasticy tea party set. Four chairs are placed around the table.

At three, you see the slumped over figures of those same kinds of dried out desiccated corpses. All hollow-looking. Guys, I think those were the same kind of corpses before. All laying their heads lifelessly at the table. At the chair nearest you, with her back toward you, you see a doll. Seven feet tall, a big, burly toddler, and wearing a pink frilly beau peep dress. What do you do? We got to eat some cake, you guys.

I guess we need the... Excuse me. Oh, man. I'm going back with the dogs. Yeah. What's up? Oh, God. Are you here to play with...

Yes. Yes, my child, my charming, charming child. I'm not with him. The doll's head turns around 180 and just looks at you over her back. Is that tea? Yeah. Oh, I love tea.

I love tea, too. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Wayburn Terminator 1. My friends here didn't like my tea. Oh, they're uncultured boobs. They're dead. They're dead bodies. How did they get dead?

I don't know. I found them that way. You did. Do you think that's why they didn't like the tea? Maybe. I like the tea. It warms my tummy up. My tummy's full of spiders.

I want to play a game. Okay. Are those spiders indigenous to this area? Because we may have run afoul of local ordinances. All right, what's your game? I play it with you. I have a... Mumbledy peg?

We could do like I-spy? Hmm. Yeah, you're going to play I-spy? I don't know I-spy. It's pretty straightforward. How does it work? I spy. I don't like, hey, out of character, I don't like you doing this.

Yeah. Yeah. Here's the way I-SPI works. We tell you something that we see in the room, and then you've got to find it. Okay. All right. Can I start? No, I would go first, and then you can go.

I'd like to go first. I want to go first. You know what? You know what? You go first. Go ahead, my dear. Yeah, go four. I spy with my little eye.

How did you know the rhyme? Fucking bust it, dude. It's intuitive. I don't want to play this game anymore. You're doing wonderfully. Yeah, you're doing great. Go ahead, take your turn. What do you spy with your little eye?

Something that is red. Is it blood? Yeah. That was fun. All right, my turn. Okay. Now Duck Goes. I spy with my little eye, something that is brass colored.

Hmm. It's key shaped. It's a brass shaped. It's a brass key. Is it a brass key? Yeah, but you got to find it. and tell me where it is. He didn't tell you that rule.

Yeah, it's hidden in the room somewhere. You got to tell me where it is. She takes her big media. She turns around now fully because it's getting uncomfortable having her neck turned around 180 degrees and she plops down from the tea party table. She says, let's see.

And she takes her hand and shoves it down her own mouth and feels around in there. And she says, yeah, it's still in there. It's funny. You can see it. I know where hell is. All right. Killer.

Fuck this. I rolled a kick some ass. Okay. I'm just going to, you know what? I'm just going to pull out Beacon. Okay. And I'm just going to... Oh, wait.

Slice across her belly. Okay. It's not real. And you all have been reacting very negatively to this doll. I was doing it for you. I thought you'd be jazz if I killed the doll. But there's no point in thinking about that now. I've rolled the dice,

and that won't be happening for you this evening. I hope you have to be happy. I've had a lot of fun here. I rolled a three, and that's not great. Your sword swings into her side, and you feel it hit hard, some sort of hard material that cracks a little bit, and as it does, spiders run up the length of beacon and onto your hand.

You take one harm, ignore armor. You sure are getting bit by a lot of venomous things today, Duck Newton. Aubrey. That wasn't nice? You're going to make the boss angry. Aubrey just like launching some fire into this kid. Oh, geez. Aubrey, much like any reasonable human being,

doesn't like spiders pouring out or something. So that is a seven plus three, ten. Kick some ass, so you get to choose an extra effect. You have that modifier, that plus modifier when you're attacking kids, right? Yep. So I'm going to do the additional damage. Okay. The terrible harm, I believe, is this called?

Hell yeah. And so that is, let me see. Are you attacking her or the spiders? The spiders are inside her tummy. Yeah, it's all... Not the ones that are rushing out on beacon? You'll get them to it. I'm not worried.

Okay. How much is additional harm? The term of them? Plus one. Okay, so that's five harm total. Jesus Christ. Yeah, she's super on fire. She also deals damage to you.

I think she's just flamming. saying, this isn't a fun game? I know what sound a soul makes. And she, like, pounds one of her huge arms. Oh, damn, I was actually curious about that one. She pounds one of her huge flaming arms into you, and you take too harm. Ned, what do you do? Ned's going to kick some ass, too.

Wow, okay. He rolled a five. Plus, tough. Six. I'm going to roll to help out. Okay, what are you doing to help out? I set her on fire. Good.

I rolled Nope Oof Mine was a 6, minus 1 I want to roll a help out Okay I've never taken a hard move against all three of you at the same time before So this will be fun

Four I use my luck point Now to be fair Ned never used any It is for that reason I will allow Ned to use a left thing Oh my God A luck point If you are new to this game,

bumps it up to an automatic full success. Yes. Now, next time we do a live show and you play as NetChicane, I won't allow that. This is a one-time occurrence. Okay. Okay, yeah.

You narf blast this doll and do... Paul's bleeding out. The doll looks at you and says, That looks like a fun toy! And then you just blast her into flaming spider debris. And a brass,

smoking key falls to the floor. Can we reach the lock? No, it's 20 feet up. You'll have to figure out some sort of fun... You can't see me. Yeah, why don't you put that back on the ground? Can we reach the table? Sure.

You can probably devise some... I'm not going to make this a challenge. Yes, you can figure out a way to... You make a human pyramid to unlock the lock. That's Christmas. Okay, yeah, it's pretty spooky. Your mouth goes tacky and... dry the second you step foot into the final chamber.

The largest and most impressive yet. It's a cathedral. Not just some paltry church sanctuary, a towering cathedral of polished stone and long wooden arches with stained glass windows lining the side walls and a bright crimson curtain covering the far wall of the room. There are rows of empty pews, flanking a wide, empty aisle,

empty, that is, save for the two figures at the center of the room, one kneeling over the other, which is face down and motionless. It is Winthrop, kneeling over Muffy. And he's yelling, why, why could this happen? She was so young she would want me to say.

And as you look around, you also notice, strewn about the pews are dozens of those desiccated corpses. All right, the music's really not. I don't know. It's a small world. It's pretty creepy. Do you have... It's a... no. We're fine. The scene is set. What do you do? Leave? Hey, my dude. How did you get in here?

I'm so distraught with fury and sadness. I can't even ponder that question. What happened to her, man? Dead. Well, yeah, clearly. But like... happen. You've been in here for a while. It's some straight up goosebumps. Shit, it's very real danger. Aubrey reads a bad situation and successfully does it with a seven. Okay. You get to ask, what, two questions, I believe. Well, yes, but more than that, Aubrey's third eye opens up. Ooh. Okay.

And she's able to see anything, you know, mystical, magical, hidden, that kind of thing. Okay, you get, so you get one regular question and one magic question. What is your regular question first? The regular question is that red curtain thing? Yeah. Seems pretty ominous, right? You hear the sound of machinery behind that red curtain. It's actually pretty loud.

You don't know how you didn't notice it without reading a bad situation before. Yeah, that's what you hear from behind the red curtain. And magically, I guess, am I getting any, like, we're not. Kansas anymore kind of vibe. Yup. You are getting that vibe from Muffy and Winthrop. There is something dark magic about them

and there's another reading coming from behind the curtain. What do you do? Hey Doc. Go open that curtain. Is it anything you actually be concerned about? No. Yeah, all right, right on. You're magically tough. And magically delicious.

he went through, and I step over him, and I grab the curtain, and I rip it aside. As you step over him, Muffy reaches up and grabs onto your ankle and tries to take a big bite. Holy fucking shit, I bury a beacon into her chest. That's instinct, baby. That's instinct. I hate these two idiots. That's that alien superpower instinct. You sure are taking your time with those dice, juice.

Well, I want to make sure I got it right. That's an eight. Plus, tough. Ten. That's a full success. you get to take an extra effect do extra harm you take less harm

you force them where you want them or you give the advantage to another player since we're about to end act one I would ask that you don't do that because we won't remember I'll just do extra harm then really

you do extra harm she grabs your ankle and goes surprise idiot and you stab her very very quickly and she looks down and says look it's meek and with her goes

Holy shit, Doc! Oh, I, man, I'm so sorry. Oh, shit! I am not, Doc Newton. We've waited long enough. Vengeance begins here. Next, Doug, the guy who always messes up our order from the Pizza Dot. We're not just going to start fucking killing people.

First, Murphy next the world. Duck Doots is... Muffy says, Doc, I think you, I think you've killed me. Sike! And she bites your ankle. You both deal harm to each other.

This is my third bite. I'm so sick of it. You take one harm, ignore armor as... I'm so super susceptible to biting. His one weakness. Biting. You also deal terrible harm to her.

And so she says, for real, the winter. That hurt a lot. That was... I know we're vampires now, but holy shit. It still hurts to get stabbed by swords. I'll have to remember that for next time. You all are so square, you know that.

You're like the fun police. We just wanted to bring you in here and slay you for the big boss. Get some vampire bonus. We're new to this, so I don't even know what that looks like. Muffy says, next time, darling, you get to lay motionless amongst the desiccated corpses. I'll go attract the prey. You all aren't going to put up more of a fight, are you? That was it, right?

One little rebellious streak, and then we can eat you and move on to the next. Okay, I see you rolling your dice. Okay, why don't we tag in the boss? And Winthrop says, oh, that's a superb idea, darling. And Muffy turns into a bat and quickly reappears at the far end of the room where she draws the curtain. And hey, if you have any more spooky music, this is not fucking Christmas music, Paul. She pulls a long white rope and the curtain splits down the middle, lifting up to reveal what lies beyond. This wall of the cathedral is lined, top to bottom, with small pieces of machinery

all running in tandem, all networked together by a series of thin tubes, which, as far as you can tell, are filled with dark red viscera. I lost my place. And you realize why. Those tubes all connect toward the floor where they are attached to a handful of restrained victims. Chain to the wall, being drained of their humors, you recognize some of these poor souls. Kirby, Jake Kulice, Mama, and Barclay are all restrained in these contraptions. But this network of blood doesn't stop there. All these tubes terminate at a throne sitting at the center of this far wall atop a dais feeding into the person sitting there.

His costume now looks far more convincing given the light you see him in now, feasting on the lifeblood of your friends and colleagues. Dave sees the three of you and cackles and says, You fools, to be dishumidified. I'll be right back. Prepare to be dehumidified.

And then he's just kind of standing there waiting for you to react to him. Wait, Dave, have you been Dracula this whole time? Common with conception. My name's been Dave the whole time. People started calling me Dracula. I don't get it. It's always Dave.

Maybe you... Okay, but hold on. But you are what we would consider Dracula. Yes. I'm a huge fan. Oh, thank you. As you can see, I've been sort of diversifying my blood-draining portfolio. Those are also our friends, so I'm probably going to, like, melt you to the ground.

Oh, no. Well, you hurt our friends, and so now we're going to kill you. You've hurt my precious child, and Muffy scurries over to his feet as Wendthrop does, and he kind of nurses them with the blood tube. Okay, but to be fair, Muffy did try to buy him first. That's true, man. Muffy, is that true? You absolute scamp.

I don't want to fight you, man. It's Dracula. We could ask him some questions. It's actually Dave. Okay. Is it Dave Racula, maybe? And people just took the D? Dave, bubidifier. So, wait, you're centuries old. Yes. And your centuries old

last name was Babbitifier. Yes. So did you, like, invent the humidifier just you'd have something to rhyme it with? No, I only opened up. The country's number one dehumidifier dealer and sales room. Here in Kepler, West Virginia, you'll never

found that strange? What do I need all these dehumidifiers for? For draining the humors of my victims. Oh. That tracks. Anyway, go ahead and plug yourselves into whichever feeding apparatus is currently unoccupied.

Yeah, well, you're the boss. Aubrey throws snitch at him. Okay, that's a knife, a magic knife that Aubrey has. Yes, so that's a 10? Hey, a good roll. Okay, yes. It's Monster of the Week, so that is a full success. Yes.

I believe that's two damage, and you get an extra effect. I am going to move him where I want him. Okay. And I'm going to aim for the shoulder, so it kind of like knocks him, distracts him. I'm trying to set up. Oh, okay, I see. A little one-two with my man, Duck. Then maybe perhaps helping a partner with him more.

Yeah, give him advantage then. Yeah, okay. Duck, you'll have plus one on the roll. You throw a knife at him. He has to deal damage to you some way, so he also throws a knife at you, I guess. And you take too harm, which your vest, I guess, catches some of. And he catches this knife in the shoulder, and he's thrown off balance.

He says, are we going to fight with, like, claws and stuff? It's been a while for me. I think I remember how it goes, but... Are any of you wearing perfume or cologne? You have to tell me before an axe body spray. I like to know before I taste... I place my mouth upon you. It's disgusting.

Guess you're just going to have to guess. Yeah. And at that point, at that point, Ned reaches into his bag and takes out a clove of garlic that he burgled from the home of Chef Boyardee. Perfect.

Why, why? I mean, I'll ask you. Why wouldn't he have brought that with him to the impromptu rave that he was going to when he left his home.

You obviously didn't see the big thing of shrimp scampy we had at the Cryptonomicomp Party. Yeah, Justin, now you look dumb. Yeah, and I remember you were building that big model of wooden stakes into a log cabin

right before we left. Oh, that's good. Yeah. And the Pope was there, and he blessed, all your bottles of aquafina. I think... And the actor, Aquafina. Go ahead and act under pressure

because I don't know how one kicks ass with a clove of garlic. Unless one is Randy Johnson and throws it extremely hard. He's just going to hold it in front of him to protect himself. Oh, this is definitely an act under pressure then. All right. That's great.

No, it's not. That's actually my second pair of ones. Okay. Dave says... Wait, plus add one cool, which brings it to three. I don't think the word...

This is where I use my luck point. No, already done. Dave says, What are you doing? You're about to have some scampry? Yes. Yeah, that's nothing. It's a vegetable.

I like a garlic, not too much, fair amounts. Don't have a heavy hand, but... Okay, then I eat it. That's cool. Season yourself up for the rest of my children. And those desiccated bodies that are laying around the pews, they all start to move and sit up and stand and begin walking in the direction of the three of you.

Duck. Yeah. Hey, Dave, can you give us, like, two minutes to talk? Yeah, sure, everybody chill. And the corpses sit back down. Thank you. You see Winthrop swoop in and you and bat from him. He's like, Windrup, Windrup.

Chill. Hey, guys. Time out. They follow the rules. Now listen. Hey, I don't want to fight Dracula, guys. Why? Well, my one weakness is abiding.

Yeah, but what are the odds now? I am, according to this sheet on here, dying. Due to the extreme number of bites, I have suffered at the hands of various flora and fauna here in this child's diversion. And now I'm supposed to take on Dracula, or as he is known in his home country, the king of bites. I don't want to fight the bite master because that can be bitten at any time and be killed. buy the bite. So I don't want, here's where I'm at. I don't want to fight

Dracula. If you want, sorry, do you mind if I buy 10? I know you're having a thing. You've been so good to me, man. Thank you. Thank you. If you want, Doc, I have a way out for you. Okay, I'm listening. Plug yourselves into an open apparatus.

I don't want to die either, Dave. Damn. I would, and I would, wouldn't I? I mean, you're not going to put that on the front of the brochure, but Yes. Yeah. All right. Well, fun.

Hey, how about no biting? You just use some of your other primal tools against me. Can I get a no-bite guarantee, kind of like, be fair, and I won't use any of the stakes I bought from home? Of course. Or my name's not Dracula. But it's not. Oh.

That's good. I'm going to bite him. Okay. I use Beacon. and start swinging beacon wildly. Okay. Not at Dracula, but at the tubes. Okay.

I'm trying to sever as many tubes as I can. Roll to act under pressure. It was one of my favorite 80s bands. Was, I don't understand the records. The tubes. Was that a real band? Yes, Griffin. Eight.

It's not hooty in the blowfish. Eight minus seven. No, eight minus one equals seven. Oh, okay. 8 minus 7. You are extremely not cool. Can I not give him my plus one then? Oh, that is a, yeah, save your plus one for when it would matter.

Okay. On A7, that is a mixed success. You start slashing at these tubes, and you see your friends that are standing there, and they all are kind of now just sort of unconscious in their chains, but they have been essentially freed from the draining apparatus. However, as you do so, you accidentally drop your box of Asps. So now those are still, now those are just kind of there. The Asps are still a threat.

The Asps have become a much larger threat. I would say that success was mixed as fuck. Aubrey, you have two vampires in bat form, Dracula, some walking corpses, and now Asps. Aubrey is going to use magic. Okay. I'll tell you one in a second Okay Yeah

That's an 11 plus 3 14 You extremely use magic She's gonna summon a monster To bring service Into this flight What does that look like? I'm going to say she's doing some like

Solid Doctor Strange Like woo woo woo woo woo woo And then like a portal And it's servers his head pops in the huge door And it's like what Oh yeah no yeah come What are you doing? Come your boy

Come here, boy. That's insulting. Yeah, that's insulting. I kind of like it. Okay. Who's a good boy? What's up? Hey, bones.

Yeah. Yeah. And, oh, so many bones. Yeah. See all of these people? They're all bones, and they're all bad. Not the ones who look like us. You know those corpses that we talked about?

Bone town. Nope. I can see how that could be misconstrued. What I mean is they're full of bones. Oh! And those bones are all yours, my dude. And they won't mind? Nope.

They told me before you came in, they were like, I hope I get jumped on. You seem honest. They start chomping. They start chomping. They start just jumping all over the pews, knocking them all hither and yawn, chomping and chomping these jerky corpses.

chomping, as the day is long, chomping, forever chomping, they are no longer a threat. They've been chomped, they're all getting chomped, he's busy with chomping the corpses. Well done, Aubrey. Dave says, I knew that would be a liability, but he's so spooky. I know. But he's also a good boy. Would you scared, though, the first time you saw him, you shit your pants, yes? We actually couldn't tell if he was a Cerebus or like a real dog with two fake heads.

Maybe better lighting next time to make, like, to make, like, to make him. get clear? Yes. That's the problem. If you put him in a dark room, we can't see how cool he looks. Okay. Listen,

this is not me criticizing. These are just, like, notes for next time. I feel like wetter workshop ripped me off a little bit. And I'm starting

to think that I maybe just found the guy on Craigslist who said he was wet a workshop. Yeah. It was, you just wet, workshop.

Which is a good pairing for a dehumidifier depot. Ned. What do you do? Ned takes his wooden walking stick. Hey, all right. Breaks it in half. Oh, no.

And holds it up like a cross to protect duck. Did not expect that shit. Okay. Thought it would be weaponized. Protect someone. Well, it could be later. He's going to hold it up like that

and have ducks back. He's going to break it into two stakes and then use those stakes to open a window to let the sun come in. You've got to quit giving me better ideas. No, he's going to protect Doug. Okay, roll to protect someone. This is what a cleric does.

Roll plus tough. Two can play that game. That's a seven. That is a mixed success. You're going to protect him okay, but you will suffer some or all of the harm they were going to get. Well, no, no, this says some. Or all of the harm they were going to get.

He does say, we're all, yeah, okay. But that's okay. Okay, yeah, Dave was walking in to give you a decisive bite right on the neck stuff. Can you show me what that looks like? Ask and answered. Is Dave a T-Rex? And he moves over towards you and stretch,

rear back and then you hold up your broken walking stick in front of him and it just kind of like catches him off guard and he takes a step back and he's like what do you what you're doing with this what is he said have you never seen taste the blood of dracula we had it on saturday night dead like three weeks ago and you can totally do this van helsing did this he held up and made his own cross and it worked Yeah, but why would that... I'm a Lutheran? Like, why would that... They use crosses?

Yeah, I love them. They're cool. He shows you, and he's got, like, a cool little cross necklace and a WWJD bracelet, and he's like, this is weird. I'll give you this. This one's weird, because... You're not following it. Jay would not de this, so... Listen, Pobody's Norfolk.

You have weirded it out and confused him so much that he has given up his assault. on Duck Newton. Yes. Duck. This gives me just the opportunity. Asps, Muffy and Winthrop bats, and Dracula. This gives me the exact opportunity I need.

Step bad guys, I'm going to cut this off at source. And he stabs Winthrop. Roll the kicks of ass. I just not sure I'm going to get another opportunity. Seven plus. Tough. Tough. Two.

Nine. I'm going to give him the plus one. There it is. That's a 10. How did you? help. Oh, that was from before. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you get to take an extra effect. What does that look like? I'm going to put him where I want them, and that's crashing into Muffy. Okay. Muffy and Winthrop both fly down at you. Muffy, one of her wings is like fucked up. She looks like a bad that is barely

holding it together from your decisive stab from earlier, and you stab upward into Winthrop and just kind of fling him into Muffy, and both their bat forms go sliding across the floor, and Winthrop says, look, you stabbed me Oh, that's right, you know that we're vampires. I got confused. Well, we're going to die now. That sounds about right, man.

Murphy says, yeah, you stabbed us a lot. Time for us to die. And they lay down on the floor very slowly. They're not dead. Oh, no, we're dead. You're not dead. And then Winthrop jumps up and bites your other ankle. What is this?

No. Oh, no, that's a seven. Are you protecting someone? I'm going to protect someone to use shield spell. Okay. So you will split the harm. I have plus two when you use shield spell. I don't know what that means.

Yeah, I protect against two harm. Oh, okay. Then you bite her leg? No. She goes to bite duck's leg. Winthrop bites duck's leg. Duck bites your leg. The damage is passed via the transatl.

They go to my duck's leg and I put an invisible anklet around him to protect. He has super tough pants now because of my magic. You see Winthrop's teeth just stop in the air and he's like, I feel like I just bit a ghost. Weird. Okay. You have not been bitten, Duck. Hell yeah. Duck lives to see another day.

Muffy and Winthrop are not doing very well. Dave is going to. now just sort of brush your cross aside and begin to dive fangs first towards you, Ned. Well, then I'd drive one of the pieces of wood into his chest and kill him. All right, tough guys. All right, that's going to do it for us tonight, folks.

Thanks, y'all. Thank you so much. It's a great show. Why don't you roll two, kick some ass there, tough guy? I will. This is Dave we're talking about, though. Hey, damn, Dad. How about an 11 plus one?

equals dose. No? Dose. 12. 12. All right. On a 12, you choose an extra effect.

What is that extra effect going to be? Kill him. Okay. He dies. Do extra harm. You suffer less harm for some where you want them

or give an advantage to someone else. I'll give an advantage. Okay. To dock. Okay. Do I have to announce it now? Yes.

I'll give it to duck. Okay. What's this look like? Tell me, do you say anything cool or do you just kind of do it? No, no. Tell me the cool shit you say, Dad. Hey, say that really cool, iconic shit, Dad. Okay.

As he starts going for him, right? He's going for him. Yeah, like that. Yeah, do the Tyrannosaurus arms, too. Yeah. He says, here's your delivery. One medium rare steak.

What does that mean you don't... I feel like that's so close. I know, but listen, you don't deliver steak, so... There's only two of them. Hold on. You can grub of a steak. Yeah, but traditionally, like... Maybe your order, here's your order from the kitchen. Oh, yeah, try it again, try the game.

Okay. Or get this clean. Here's your steak. For any of purposes, try to laugh just the way that you did before. This is just proposed. Or louder. Okay, here we go. Or even louder. Okay.

Grubhub here. No, no. I feel like, wait a minute, this is my line. You're being, okay, but you're... You could just say, here's your steak, medium rare. That's what I said.

No, that is not what you said. You said, here's your delivery. A steak pizza. For me, the pizza steak mom. Okay, okay, I got a better one. Okay. Should I keep... He takes the steak

and rares back and says... My arms are getting tired. Says, bite me, Dave, and sticks in his chest. Okay. Ready good. That's gay. All right, I'm going to see a makeshift bullshit steak that you just so happen to have

deals too harm to Dave. You get him center in the chest, and he says, Yeah, that's also kind of a myth. It hurts a lot. And also, yeah, sure. And he bites you on the neck. Ned.

Do I like it? That's up to Ned to say. Ned, you take one harm, ignore armor, and also roll to act under pressure. Oh, shit. Oh, that's a bad omen. Oh, no. That's a three and a one. That's a four plus one cool.

that's a five. Five. Trying to use my bad math skill to my Could Travis and I both roll to help out? Nope. Let me ask again, could we? Okay, sure. You are both going to have to succeed

or else this is going to get worse. No, I'm just curious. Just making conversation. Okay. Who wants to go? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why did I have to roll twice? Don't worry about it.

Dracula takes off his hat and hangs it on the stake that's sticking out of his chest. He's like, this is actually kind of cool. He was wearing a hat? Yeah. I was not envisioning him wearing a hat, you know? Yeah, like a Dracula hat. Yeah. You're a standard.

Yeah, standard regular. You know, okay, everyone, close your eyes. Picture Dracula. That hat. It's like a golf visor, you know, with his boy hair sticking out of the top. It's a golf visor. and he kind of goes like this and it spins around a circle. He's like, this is by theirs.

Who's up next? Is it Dufferin? No, okay. Aubu's going to go. Okay. She is going to attack with combat magic. Okay. Some fire.

Okay, I've heard of this. That's a 12. Oh, shit. Plus 3, 15. A 15. Holy Jesus. And here's what I want you to picture, because I'm going to do terrible harm. Okay.

She likes that steak on fire. Ooh, this old chestnut. So that's five damage. Fuck me. How many damage does Dracula have? A lot, but not anymore. He... You see, like, his veins light up

as you just sort of, like, grab the steak and send a burst of fire through him, and he's like... He was playing with his hat, and he was like, look, guys, are you... Hey, not cool. I was doing my hat thing He reaches in and bites your neck

You take one harm, ignore armor, and hey, roll to act under pressure for me That is a seven Okay Okay Duck, what do you do? That's good, right? Yeah, sure, it's a mixed good.

That's my whole life Yeah, Duck, you have Muffy and Winthrop at your feet Hey stop, my life rules Yeah, sure You have Dave now looking, just smoking from the inside. I guess smoke coming from his ears. What do you do? I'm going to try to rear back

and whip beacon around Dave's head. Okay. That's probably kick some ass or act under pressure? Probably act under pressure. What happens next? Maybe kick some ass. Okay, sure. Kick some ass. Thank you. Six plus two, eight. Eight. That is a mixed... Oh, Plus one. That's a nine. He already used it.

No, because Annette also gave him plus one. You're right, yes, thank you. That is a nine, still, so a mixed success. Can I help out? No, you can't. You know what? You don't feel like helping out.

Is it on we? Yeah, it's on we. I'm just tired. Having one of them days. Okay. It's one of them days. Okay, roll to deal damage there, duck. All right.

No, I don't roll the deal damage. Oh, you're right. What damage does Beacon do? I mean, he does two, to harm, but I mainly just want to wrap it around his head. Okay. That's right. Roll to protect someone for Dave.

What? You've been Dracula, son. You feel like protecting Dave at all costs, Ned. Yeah. Like he's your own father. Roll like you mean it. That's why I covered his mouth with my sword. I'm not going to join his beautiful concubine tonight.

I'm my own man. Not gonna take me in, Dracula. I'm not with them, Dave. That's a... What am I doing? Protecting Dracula. Finally, Dad's dokey roll. Pay off. Seven plus one is eight.

A mixed success. Okay. Yeah, you get this thing around Dave's neck, but you see Ned grab the blade and try to pull it off Dracula's neck. You leave him alone! He is... unsuccessful, but Ned, you take one harm.

Okay, you have this wrapped around his head, now what? This game sucks. Is it my turn again? I mean, you got this thing wrapped around his head. Yeah, that's right. Complete the thought. Well, turnabout's fair place, stupid, and then Beacon bites his throat.

For a second, I thought you were going to say and duck bites him, and I was really confused. What is this? What does that mean? I mean, he's not trying to like convert him into a sword. Yeah. That's what you're, he's just like trying to fuck him up, man, like a regular bite.

Doing damage. Like 99.9% of bites. How about this? Okay. Roll to kick some ass plus weird. Okay. Because what you're doing right now is pretty fucking weird. Uh, that is a 10 minus one.

Okay. I'm not very weird. I'm sorry. Okay, he... Then maybe he takes the plus one there, since he didn't really help him last time. Yeah, sure. I'll give you that.

That bumped up to his first time. What is your extra effect? I mean, put him where I want him, and I'm just going to throw him into the tubes and shit. Trying to take some more of those out. Okay, so you whip... Beacon latches onto us. Oh.

I like kick him, and then he falls back into the tubes. Do you maybe... Hold on. Hold on. second. I'm trying to get a good idea. Now, what's going on on stage? In the recording...

For those of you in the podcast. Yeah. Yeah, later in the recording, you should know I'm just sitting here thinking while Griffin looks at me like, save my ass again, Jay, man. Don't worry, Griffin, I got it. So I grab a beacon and I yell,

get over here. And I toss them into the tubes. You would have gotten tweets if you hadn't. Well, yeah. Yeah. Okay, you whip him back. I just remembered we're all in costume. Yeah, yeah, it hasn't been a particularly integral to the plot.

You whip him backwards into the tubes, and he lands in his chair, and now smoking from the inside out and bleeding and looking just completely crumpled up. He's supposed to deal damage to you in return, and I think what that looks like is Muffy and Winthrop each bite one ankle on you. So you take too harm, ignore armor as you are further bit. As he is thrown backwards, though, Ned and Aubrey, you are broken from the thrall. Ah, cool.

I will warn you, with one more harm, we're going to be in troubling cannon territory. Aubrey, seeing this, is going to use magic to heal duck. Oh, interesting, okay. Yeah, eight plus three, 11? Yeah, sure. So one harm back? Correct.

Okay, regain one harm. One of the teeth bite, Marks just disappears. And went through it was like, hey, I worked hard on that. It's really yucky when you do... I get that I'm supposed to feast on blood, but it's yucky to bite someone so hard that they bleed into your mouth. Then, why did you do it? Because it feels good inside.

You'll never understand, Aubrey. You guys are so square. I'm pretty cool. Ned, what do you do? Okay. He's pulled out the big... NARF Blaster. He's going to shoot, Dave.

Okay. Roll to kick some ass. If I... I have another cool line. Okay. Do you want to see if you're successful? No, no. No.

No. Deliver the line first. Yeah, yeah. Call your shot there, Babe Ruth. All right. If it's good, do I get advantage? No. There's no.

No advantage. No. All right. Since we're all doing references to our costume, he says, say hello to my... Yeah. There it is. Somebody has to pick those up.

And that somebody is you. It's you. All right, now roll. Fucking, this is going to be so choice. Damn it. It was a good roll. Six. No.

Plus. Six plus two is eight. Plus nine. Plus one is nine. Carry the three. It's a 12. It's a nine. It's a nine.

It's a nine. Nine. This is enough. Dave is looking pretty bad. You just empty your narf blaster into it? Okay, yeah, I've seen the prop work. Dave, Dave sees you. Wait, wait.

Sorry, Trev. Thank you. The judge is very, that's the name of that narf blaster. The judge. Dave sees you rear up the narf blaster and says, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I could give you anything you want, Ned Shikane. Join my children of the night.

We can fly through the sky. Go to Taco Bell later. And Winthrop, I'm a fun hang. Don't blast me with your child's toy. All right. What? Oh, wait. Cool.

I didn't think that was going to work. Ned, remember, we already have plans to go to Taco Bell later. You don't need him at all. Yeah. Screw you, Dave. Dehumidify yourself. That means your blood drains out. Oh, okay.

And then you shoot him? You don't have to pull it out again. And he already did the line. Okay. Don't make you say too cool. Say hello. He's shooting me. He's shooting me.

Yeah. He explodes in a mountain of ash that lands on top of the throne. And Muffy and Winthrop look at each other and they're like, are we Dracula now or? How does that work? Suddenly, you all see lights coming in through the stained glass windows, not just any lights, the red and blue flashing siren lights of Sheriff Owen's squad car, flanked by several others, and you hear a voice from a megaphone outside,

and you hear Sheriff Owens. He says, hey, y'all, it's, yeah, it's Sheriff Zeke here, and, oh, boy, okay. I'm going to need all y'all to just kind of. to like lay down on the floor and just start taking some deep breaths, okay? Mm-hmm. So it turns out that Gordo, Dave's disgruntled junior sales associate, he just fessed up to lacing the fog machines in there with a powerful psychotropic drug. So basically, y'all are all high as hell, and

And so I'm gonna send Megan in there with some orange slices and some cold water. So y'all just lay down. Careful, man, Dracula's in here. There's a three-headed dog. There's a three-headed dog and Dracula, man. And I'm being wader of my baths. Then there's ass pull over the place. It's the real ass.

I committed murder, I think, man. Somebody's draining Bigfoot. They got all these tubes plugging in Bigfoot. You got out here. You gotta save big money. Save big foot, man. They're draining his blood. I'm freaking out.

I can taste colors. Jump cut to the hospital waiting room where basically the entire town is sitting quietly with just hooked up to IVs, just like looking at the floor, super tired. And you hear Mama say, Dave, were you really drinking people's blood in there, Dave? He says, Yeah, I don't know, my mouth tastes pretty bad, but that could be anything. Muffy looks at you, Duck, and says, Doc, did you stab me?

Yeah, I mean, I tried to, for sure. But I was so high that I missed. But I did try to, and there's no taking that back. Was there? Three-headed dog. What? I said Santa, what did you say? I said a three-headed dog.

Oh, shit. sounds terrifying So wait, you just saw a scene of me talking to Santa? Santa, yeah Well, a three-headed Santa of it. So you stole a key of a three-headed Santa? I didn't steal.

And you didn't think of mention any of those nouns? He didn't steal, he gave it to me for Christmas, didn't he? Whoa! Yeah. Kirby walks over to the three of you, and he looks kind of nervous. I bet. He pulls off his Spider-Man mask. He says, hey y'all,

um, sidebar. Something I can't figure out When Winthrop came into the Cryptonomica That was before we breathed in that fog So What was the deal with that bind? And Winthrop is sitting

In the row of chairs in front of you next to Muffy And he turns his head over his shoulder And smiles And he says It's a sex thing The end Maximumfund.org Comedy and Culture, artist-owned, listener-supported.