The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Candlenights in Tacoma!

Episode Date: December 29, 2017

Our heroes reconvene at an important site from their storied past to traverse a perilous dungeon. What awaits them is far more deadly than they could have imagined -- and far more ... festive? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, everybody. This is Griffin. Real quick, before we get into this episode, I wanted to give you a heads-up that the audio is not amazing. This is our live show from Tacoma, and the levels were a little bit too hot, and it's a little bit blown out because of that. It's still totally listenable, but it's not really up to snuff, and I am very sorry about that. I hope you enjoy it regardless. We still really wanted to put it out because this is our Candle Knight's episode, and it was a lot of fun to record, and we wanted you to hear it. Anyway, But I want to give you a heads up that, yeah, the levels aren't super, super great. But yeah, we'll be back next week, though. If you haven't heard, we're going to be trying to go weekly, starting in January with the rest of the experimental arcs. And I'm going to be running the next one, and I'm really excited for you to hear it. So the next one, the next episode you hear is going to be our setup episode for my next arc, and that is going to go up on Thursday, January 4th. So go ahead and listen to our Camel Knight's Adventure.

and I'll be back with the commercial break here in a bit. All right, so I've got a poem I wrote to walk us into the adventure tonight, and if you can go ahead and play the poem background music, there we go. Twas the night before candle nights. And all through the land. Oh, that's a little loud. What? And all through the land.

Danger, clawed upward, with a dark frozen hand. in the depths of a dungeon at the edge of the world, a conflict was brewing, an adventure unfurled. If you could just bring the music down even more. Just like half that. Oh, there we go. In the hold known as ice keep, a voice within whales, and echoes off mountains through valleys and trails,

and into New Fandolin, a town you'll recall, whose mayor became troubled by this sad catterwall. So she called out for heroes in a media blitz For a mission, well-paying, with good benefits. So did heroes emerge and embark on the quest, And all ended in failure and their dark, endless rest. Save for one team of heroes, And you might know their names,

Merle Magnus and Taco of Adventure Zone fame. They saved the world once and were financially stable, but when trouble arises, they're still willing and able to battle for glory in a worthwhile melee or find treasure for taco to squirrel away. And so stand Trace Horny Boys before the ice keep to hunt down the crier and put it to sleep. If only they knew of the traps and the fights

that awaited them all on this cold candle nights. Griffin, I didn't have a pen. Could you repeat that? So the three of you are standing before the entrance to ice keep, a frozen subterranean dungeon past the hills surrounding New Fandolin. The call to arms put out by the village's mayor attracted countless parties who sought to silence the voice in this dungeon, a voice the three of you hear loud and clear calling from the depths.

But none of those parties ever returned. Come on into my dungeon. You got what it sounds like? No. No, it sounds like... I like to. Party with my peeves, cruise and creep. With three cars money on these crazy streets.

Way too many of you were like, I get it. How do you know what that is? You're monsters. Justin has made us watch the intro to the pest, the horrible movie, like 70 times today. In your trademark hubris, the three of you assume that you might have better look at silencing this voice.

And it's like a crying voice, like a deep, like, ooh, but it's super loud. and maybe scary. The entrance is built into the side of a massive glacier 100 yards or so ahead of you, but you can barely see it through the massive snowstorm that's been covering the land for weeks now. However, there are other shapes in the snow

that stand before you and the entrance, shapes that you can not quite make out through the storm. Everybody roll a perception check for me. My dye is flashing. That means, hey, folks, if you cheer for every 20, I roll tonight. That will probably be the last one. I can see everything, Griffin.

I can see individual snowflake shapes. Taco, you can clearly... I got a 16. Taco sees it the best. I got a two. There's very cold, weird rain falling from the sky. Taco, you can clear... And Magnus, but Taco the best.

You can clearly make out what these shapes in the snow are. you see razor-sharp icicles jutting out of the ground, stabbing ten feet upward into the sky, turning the snowfield in front of you between you and the entrance to ice-keep into something of a grisly scene because impaled on a number of these icicles are skeletons, nearly frozen in the storm.

Their rotted adventuring gear still hanging off their lifeless form. Here's what I want you to picture. We all see that, and I just slowly reach through my belt and turn it to ice. Yeah. Shit. I didn't even think about... And so do I.

You don't have a magic immunity belt. Oh. Okay, Travis will take... Magnus will take half damage on ice attacks. Fuck. So that is the situation. There is a field of sharp icicles jutting out 10 feet into the sky between you and the entrance to this glacier.

You really still can't quite see. Let's go! What do you do? Magnus rushes in. I mean, can I tell you at this point? I am more mature, adult, Travis, don't want to rush now. Yeah, sure, sure. But I've painted myself into a corner, fictionally speaking.

Roll a dexterity saving throw for me. That's 11. Plus two, though. So, wait, saving throw? Yeah. That's plus two. That's the 13. Yeah, an icicle, as you take your first.

step into this snowfield shoots out of the snow and jabs you right through the shoulder. And you take 22 or 11 points of ice damage. I don't have a pin. So I'll just remember. No. Do we have a pin backstage? Sam, or, yeah, Sam's. Okay.

Nobody else. Nobody else. Okay, I want to say, I want to say, I want to say, this important BSA, never throw things at people while they're performing on a stage. But that was the best fucking pin throw. It landed perfectly on the table. You get critters. Stand up. Who threw that?

Security. They're good. Get them out of here. They threw something on the performers on a stage. Okay. All right. No, they're cool. No, they're cool. It's fine. That was a joke. But was that, no more throw. But do not. Hey, and security, were you all on that one? I kind of

expected to sort of. I mean, it turned out fine. Clear and present danger. I want to see bodies flying. No. Okay, Magnus, you are impaled. Ow. By a pen. All right.

Everybody? There's apparently icicles and they're mad. No, is he stuck there? I mean, you could probably break it. So when he hit it, icicles fell down. It came up from the snow. Oh, cool. It's like a trap.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. And wait, so the only thing we have to view to avoid this job is turn around and leave. It'll be a short show. So people wait a long time. I'm waiting for one of the other two of you to do something. Yeah, I'm just going to use a little item I call the hole thrower and throw a hole into it.

Into what? The ice. There's like a you can't get past, right? The way you described it. No, no, no, no. I've failed. Weave your tapestry. There's a large field of snow and there's icicles coming up out of it.

It's not forming a barrier or anything. You can get past. It's just Magnus took one step into it and an icicle cut. When it impaled my shoulder, am I lifted off the ground? Am I kind of dangling? No, you're burly enough that it doesn't quite raise you up. Okay. Okay.

So I'm still on my feet. And it's through the back. And Top was like, so what's going on? What happens? Okay. I'm going to cast, how far is it? Is there an entrance? About 100 yards.

Yeah, as you can see, there's a door. You can barely make it out on the side of this glacier 100 yards ahead of you. I am going to cast a spell. Call. Continual flame. I'm going to cast continual flame on the tip of the Umbra staff.

Shit, and I'm going, so that'll make it into a, flame, except it creates no heat and doesn't use oxygen. Okay. So I do that. I make a thing that looks like a fire. And then I'm like, this gives me an idea. Stupid. I cast investiture of flame.

You invest in some flame. Flames surround me in a 30-foot radius for the spells duration. That's really powerful to traverse a dumb trap, isn't it? No, I like it, because we've been on it for about 30 minutes now. Okay, so I cast a vesture flame. There's a 30-foot radius. How are your boys doing? Are your boys?

No, they're in my bubble. Okay. I think Magnus Rolodexterity Saving Thro to get in his bubble? Because you were definitely-in-law-upon. No, I have spell-shaping, so I would shape it around. I got a 15. Okay, you're fine. You don't have spell-shaping anymore.

I don't know how many times I have to tell you on. I do have spell-shaping. When you... God, okay. When you spec, as a transmutation wizard, you don't have spell-shaping. that's an evocation wizard thing. Come on. All right.

So anyway. Who can say for sure when this story takes place? Do you guys want to be level one? A whirlwind of flame surrounds Taco and the other two.

And reveals some dead grass below your feet as the snow melts away. And it catches some of the... Any loose change? Yeah, there's probably There's probably some change that's fallen out of the skeleton. How much exactly in gold?

Not much. Like seven gold counts. Nice. I'll get you a sandwich and a hot cocoa. But as soon as it touches these icicles, they also melt away. And so you are protected from any more icicles. Will you say it? You solve my icicle puzzle.

Thank you. I can't finish if you don't say it. Finish the puzzle. You monsters. Okay. So we sprint towards the entrance. As you approach the entrance, the snowstorm picks up, and I'm assuming the spell has died down by now,

and you're not just going to be surrounded by flame for the whole episode. The snowstorm picks up, and it's biting at your face with these chilling winds. And you're standing before the doors leading into this glacier, and they are massive, 20-foot-high, double doors carved from oak, and they're surrounded by this enormous one-foot-deaf. metal archway covered in ruins and emblems resembling snowflakes that just wraps around the whole double door. Everybody make a perception check again.

I got an 18. It's a 5 on that one. 19 total. Two! God! It's a 2! Why would you lie about that? I don't know. Because it's a one? To lean into the mythology a little bit. Magnus, you can't quite make it out exactly.

but you can see faintly, just barely, through the storm, a figure on top of this metal archway surrounding the door, like 20 feet up. And it seems like they're tinkering with something up there. And thanks to the snow, they haven't, and despite the fact

that you just wreathed yourself in flame, they haven't seen you yet. Hey! You yell, hey, and you hear a loud click from the top of the archway. What are you doing? Are you picking a lock?

And then... Because we want to go in, too. Right? We can hear a voice. Can you hear a voice? Are you an elf? You can't see them, too. I can't.

Oh, yeah, right. Who are you talking to? Shut up, Mer! Okay, that's what neither of your characters sound like. These people paid a lot of money to come see us. So if you do... Hey! Oh, God.

We're on that. Again. Not again. Still on it. Magnus. As you yell, hey, as you yell that, you hear a startled Yelp come from up there, and suddenly the figure falls backwards off the archway.

Oh, no, that was a two. Did not catch them. Tumbling down and down. And it's stopped in midair by three icicles that shoot upward, impaling and killing them instantly. And you can see this figure now. It's a man, a very large man.

A very large man with a bushy white beard and a tummy like a bowl full of jelly. He's wearing a red suit and hat and he's... You killed Santa. No, hold on. Fuck you. Is this the Santa Claus? And he's carrying a large bag made of canvas. And moments after he's impaled, that suit and hat and bag is all that's left of him is his body disappeared. Fuck you, Griffin. My brother's a monster.

His body just disappears, leaving the club. clothes and bag, crumpled in a heap at your feet, and on top of this pile, a golden scroll materializes out of the air with the words, read me, scrawled on the side, and intricate letters. I turned to Merle. The letter opens up, actually, and a voice reads out loud. If you're reading this, it means that I have died. Completely by accident, and nobody's fault. It means I have died. Hopefully not by your hands

because that would be very, very naughty. A little joke. But I am dead, so like, bummer. My name is Santa Claus. And if you're reading this, then I've got news for you, pal. Now your name is Santa Claus. This mantle that I have upheld for decades has been passed down to you,

just as it was passed down to me. It's a very important mantle, my new friend. Santa Claus is responsible for spreading the spirit of candle nights throughout the land by delivering toys and gifts to all the young people of the world. How big is this fucking scroll?

It's a pretty big. Turn over. During my time as Santa, I have delivered millions of presents to those innocent souls deserving of them. I might have even delivered some to you, some to you, friend, in your youth. But seeing as how I am now

dead as disco, I think it's time to confess something. For several years now, I have neglected that sacred charge for one child in particular, and I have done so because that child dwells in the ice keep, a place I am very, very afraid of.

Ho! Ho! Ho! When reports reached me about the crying from icekeep, I knew that my dereliction of duty was the cause, and so I have decided to set right my terrible oversight and deliver a present to this sad and lonely child. But if you're reading this, I guess I didn't do a very good job.

I hope my death was quick and painless. It falls to you now, friend, to succeed where I have failed. Don my suit and my holiday bag of holding and venture within ice keep to deliver this fateful candle nights present. Now, I don't know what kind of youngster waits for you down there, nor do I have any idea what kind of gift that youngster. will desire. The holiday bag of holding can produce any gift

that its owner desires, so I'm hoping you'll be wise enough to figure it out once you get in there. It's imperative you don't abuse this power, though. That kind of goes against the reason for the season. Well, that's it, I guess. Time to get busy living or get busy dying. Looks like I'm stuck doing the ladder.

Ho, ho. Ho. S.C. And, you know, that was a weirdly specific letter. Was it at? Yeah. Is he? This isn't

Santa Claus every time he leaves the house is recording a new death note. I was just getting some milk. Headed to Piggly Wiggly now. Hope I don't die. Anyway. About to eat a big plate of chicken wings. Hope I don't choke to death. Whirlcast

Rays dead. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. There's no body. I knew you were gonna do that. I made the body disappear. You can fuck off, old man. Shit. Always trying to destroy my plots. Also, that spell takes a day to cast.

Okay, what else are we doing? There's a Santa suit. I'm not putting it on. I'm not the Santa type. I think that goes to Merle. I'll put it on. Well, hold on. Taco, do you want to be... Is Tim Allen here? God, I hope not. Probably not. Taco, do you want to be Santa?

I'm not a bear. Thank you. All right, Merle. Yeah, I'll do it. As you put on the Santa suit, Merle, a glowing enchantment surrounds you, and this light glows around you brightly. And as it fades, you realize that the suit

has been tailored to fit you perfectly. And you also notice that your beard, this sort of gray, scraggly beard with probably some twigs and leaves and other. And like shit. And shit. It's actually now this huge, bushy white beard that has a beard on your face. A big, fuzzy beard.

And it's a real beard. It's not just stuck on. I pull it. That light, it hurts. Ow! I'm sorry. How? Thank you. And then that light.

I pull it harder. Oh, shit. It's real. Let him weave his tapestry. Yes. And then that light that's surrounding you, Merle Santa, it shoots out of your body, and it surrounds your two friends.

And when it fades from them, you see their wardrobe has changed too. They're now wearing these green, kind of silly outfits with Jester's hats and jingle bells and boots that curl up at the toes. Oh, God, I love these live shows. And with that, the mechanism that Santa was activated. I didn't think about this, but Santa Master Thief was activating.

He does sneak in the houses. Yeah, it's true. He was working on at the top of the arch, stops whirring, and as it does, the double doors into the ice keep sweep outward, granting you access to a hallway of rough cobblestones leading downward. And after traveling down this hall for several hundred feet, the corridor ends at a sheet of thick ice,

which as you approach it slides upward. I assume there's tiny bells on our shoes? Oh, absolutely. So stealth checks are just out of the question. Okay. We've been going for about 20, 25 minutes now. In case anybody was stuck in traffic, let me catch you up. We killed Santa.

And now my dad is Santa. And we're elves. And we're trying to find a little kid in an ice cave to give him a present. That's pretty much everything. Thank you, Justin. And I cast a sixth level spell. So if you're keeping track of that. And as you enter the chamber just beyond this sliding ice door,

it slides back down, cutting a little. off your exit. Bringing us to the second section of the adventure diet, I'll be honest, I thought we were going to get to just way faster. You take a moment to survey this new chamber. It's a cavernous circular room, the exterior wall of which is made of smooth, thick ice. The floor is made of stone, but you can barely see it through the thick carpet of snow that covers this room up to your ankles. Flanking the central diameter of this room are two snow banks that extend 10 feet and raise all the way up to your waist. As you enter the room, you see something just off to your left.

Another one of those sliding-ice doors is in the process of closing, and for a moment you see three people behind it. Three Erakokra, to be precise, which is a race of humanoid bird people. One is burly and carrying an axe with plate armor. One is more slight with two daggers and ragged leather armor.

And one is shorter, carrying a staff and wearing a set of black robes. And you see them just for a moment as the door slides shut. You hear their muffled conversation as they move deeper into the ice keep. And you hear one voice say, oh, man, looks like we've got company.

And another voice says, we better hurry, we can't let them get credit for this job. And a third voice says, don't sweat it, Ray. If they catch up to us, we'll just kill them too. And on the other half of the room that you're in. I wanted bird friends, but they sound mean. Yeah, it just sound mean.

On the other half of this circular room that you're in, you see something else kind of strange. you see the snow start to whip up off the floor, and as it does, they unearth the bones and belongings of fallen adventurers below, and those bones start to rattle and reform themselves into two full standing skeletons. And then the snow surrounds those skeletons, forming these thick, round bodies around them. The loot from those adventurers then lifts up off the ground,

and suddenly one of these snowmen is wearing a top hat and has a crude face made of gold coins. Oh, no, they killed Uncle Paul. Penny bags. While the other has a leather helmet and a carrot for a nose. And after forming these two snowmen pull spears of ice up out of the ground and emit a chilling roar. Roll for initiative. I got 21.

Damn. 18. Wow. Plus? Wait, three. We get pluses? That's two 21s. Okay.

I rolled a 14 plus... Plus two. That's a 16. I've been sitting on the edge of my seat this entire time. I paid for the whole seat, but only need the edge. My leather girdle doesn't let me sit back. First up is actually the gold-faced snowman. I rolled...

I got 21. I know. Two of you did. The gold-faced snowman takes their ice spear and raises it up and throws it at Taco. Taco, that is a 18 versus AC. Try again. Disadvantage Protection Fighter. Okay. That's a seven. No.

This ice spear, the gold-faced snowman throws it, and it comes within an inch of you. You did have to hit him in the head with it as it, yeah. I just wanted him to know. This ice spear travels the length of the room and comes just this close to hitting you, but it doesn't. And next to me order is... Do I bend, like Matrix or what? Yeah, it was totally sick. I did it.

Taco, you're actually up next. Oh, cool. I'm going to melt them because fuck them, right? I'm going to cast wall of fire. Okay. On the two snowmen. I'm like a line that would hit both of them. Here's what happens.

Uh-oh. You conjure this wall of fire, and as it starts to leave your hands, it seems like it hits the center of the room, and it just stops, and it activates almost like a force field, cutting a line across the center of the room, dividing U-3 and these.

two snowman and the spell just disappears as it hits this force field. Okay, hold on. This is a force field that is... Imagine a circle. Okay. Imagine the diameter of that circle. Now, what have you to take that circle?

Yeah, there's just a line across the center of this circle and... And the spear went through it. Yeah. Okay, is it my turn? Yeah, actually. All right. Unless, you know what?

I'll bump Taco back. in the order. I'll say because of your failed attack, you do get to go again so that you don't get cheated out of your turn. I think it actually was my turn. Okay. I'm going to cast a different spell that I like very much. Ice knife

is a third level spell. All right. On are we fighting the birds too? Birds. The bird men, no, no. The birds are gone. Okay. I'm going to throw a third level ice knife at one of the heads of the snowman.

There's Gold Face Snowman and Carrot Face Snowman. I'm going to go for Carrot Top. Okay. Yeah, roll it. I assume you roll an attack on that one. I hope it is. A four, it misses quite badly. It misses so bad it hits the other one.

No, it does miss, but it does pass through that barrier. Okay. Magnus, you're up next. I'm a third chance, lance. Okay. At Goldface. My favorite Dick Tracy villain. All right. So, an 18, oh, 16.

All right, you throw it, it hits that barrier in the center of the room and bounces off. All right, I'm going to try something else. Okay. With my second attack. Think about what Taco just learned. I know, shut up. Really put it together. Okay, chains lands comes back.

Follow the clues. You had all the clues. You could have saved them. It's literally a snowman reference. What if I code it in the snow? like dip it in like pack snow around it and throw it. I want you to stop. Maybe I just stick it in the snow for a while and it gets real cold.

No, but really stop. Stop it. Now really think about what you just said. I throw a snowball at Goldface. Okay. That is a 12 plus my... Whatever your regular attack modifier is. Plus 8.

It's 20. Yeah, that's a good hit on Goldface. Roll D10 plus your attack modifier. I kept it in the freezer all summer. Nine, plus my attack is plus four, so 13. Yeah, you hit him good.

It knocks Goldfaces hat right off and takes a chunk of head out too. And Goldface yells real loud at that. I'm going to dual wield another snowball. Okay. How does that work? I have like, I think, eight attacks

at a time I can do it. And we're trying to move this show along quickly? If you want to go out and use the toilet, this would be a good time to do it. That's another 12 plus 8, 20. It's a hit. But that's just, you have to roll twice, right, on a dual wheel? Well, this is just the second

attack. So six plus 410. Yeah. They are just barely hanging on to life. That one got their middle ball and now you can actually see some exposed skeleton bones. Ew. Gross.

Grooty. You got any more? attacks, you're out. No, I was, I mean, I could. The next in the order is Merle. Point of order, if you knock Frosty's hat off, he stops dancing around, so shouldn't he be dead? I could sing the song for you.

Frosty, the Snowman. Stop, stop, no, can't. Right now, is Griffin, is looking at his watch to determine whether or not this fight has already taken a lot of note? No. Incorrect. But the Goldface Snowman is like almost down. Okay, I cast sacred flame at the... No, my...

Okay, but you did... Throw snow! No, stop. No, you are! I cast, ice shard. Don't have to say that in character voice, go ahead. Unless you are in character announcing that out loud. Okay, go ahead.

Merle casts ice shard. Thank you. What's that look like? A big shard of ice. And it does... 40 damage. Okay, I just looked up Ice Shard in the book, but there's no spell

called Ice Shard. You don't even fucking have a card called Ice Shard. I know that, Travis. Are you cheating our brother at the Indy? Cross Bolt. I cast Frostbolt at him. That's a fucking World of Warcraft spell.

I throw a freaking snowball. Awesome. Gee. Clarets have a fourth level. There it goes. Bell called Ice Storm. Ice storm. That sounds really cool. Ice storm. Doesn't it sound cool? But I get to roll twice. What does Ice Storm do, Justin?

It wouldn't help in this situation, Griffin. It only creates a hail of rock hard ice pounding to the ground in 20-foot radius for the high cylinder on a point within So let's assume that in a different multiverse, let's assume that in a different multiverse our capable dad, Dad 2, cast that. Played by Tommy Lee Jones. The DC version of our Marvel

Dad, cast that. Okay. Yeah, so I roll a D20 now? I cast Ice Storm on both of them. Okay, let's all take a beat. Okay. They have to make dexterity saving throws. The gold-faced one rolled a six.

That is not going to do it. Okay. Carrot-faced one rolls a... a 14, which is not going to be your spell save throw modifier. So roll 2D8 bludgeoning damage and 4D6 cold damage. Or I'll just do that for you in this app. Wait, I got to wait. Four. One. That's five. Three. I'm going to say

the gold-faced snowman goes down as they are bludgeoned by this snow. The carrot-faced snowman is also missing some chunks at this point. That was very impressive, Merle. You're very capable. And you reacted so quickly. There was literally just a split second in between the action before

and your action. You truly are the most capable member of the team. Carrot. Ho, ho. Okay. Carrot Snowman throws their ice lance at Merle trying to

fight back against this hit. That's a 22 versus A.C. Now it's not protection fighter. That is a 19 versus AC. Merle. I thought he was protecting me. It's a tie. It's a tie.

It's a tie. I always forget. Does that a hit? Yeah, it's a hit. Oh, thank you. A hit. A hit. Thank you.

Oh, my God. If you guys know the rules of D&D that well, this must be very frustrating for you. I'm just now realizing. Did you guys just get really excited when we ask? Like, thank you. It's a hit. Oh, God, I'm just what's sitting here. That's 20 points of ice damage as you are pierced by this ice lance.

And as it hits you, the snowman pounds its hand down and another ice lance appears in a tank. Hey, be careful. If you kill him, you're Santa. Taco, you're up next. Oh, good. So who do we have up still? The carrot-faced snowman. In the interest to moving things along, I'm going to throw a snowball. Okay. At the carrot-faced snowman.

Roll really good. Okay. that is a 15. Yeah, that's a hit. Okay, good. Roll a D10 plus your I guess your attack modifier.

I don't know what that is. Just your spellcasting modifier. Yeah. It's a magically delicious snowball. That is a 5 plus my spellcasting modifier of 5. So it's a 10.

That's enough to take down the carrot face. Hell yes. Nice job, buddy. As the last skeleton Falls, the ice... Who was that? Who said that to me? Did I hear that voice? I was saying, you're my buddy.

You're Justin. Okay, thank you. Nice job, buddy. Thank you, dad. Human dad. My dad. Justin McElroy's dad, Clinton. As the last skeleton falls, the ice door, you watched the three Erika passed through earlier, slides open, granting you access deeper into the ice keep. We do that. You proceed down another frozen cobblestone tunnel, and as you go further, you hear another noise on top of the constant low crying that's

coming from the depths of the ice keep. You actually hear another voice, only this one's panicked and screaming. I like to. What? It's screaming like it's in pain. Like, I am, me, Griffin, right now. And it's screaming from the chamber

just ahead of you. What do you do? I rush it? Yep. You rush into the chamber at the end of the hall so fast that Justin's hat falls off. And you find your...

Who's hat? It's hard because if I put it on well enough, the people in the balcony don't get what they pay for. We'll go hat free for act too. Wait, before you rush in, could I cash? That's not how rush in works. Okay. What do you have to cast?

Were you going to cast something helpful? I cast mass healing word on me and Taco. Okay. You all are. Taco has not been hurt. No, but thank you. That puts a spring in my step and some vim and my vigor. being healed at maximum hit points.

Like drinking of rusty Coca-Cola, your healing smell washes it for me and gives me the spring of my step. You rush into the chamber at the end of the hall and you find yourself in a small stone-carved room lit by braziers in each corner. Scattered around the floor are toys of enormous proportion. They are huge toys.

And almost all of them have been smashed to pieces. You see the remnants of several clockworked soldiers that have been reduced to small. scraps by some vicious melee attacks. You see several large stuffed animals that have just been eviscerated. They're cotton stuffing pouring out onto the floor. And you also

see what looks like a jack in the box. It's smaller than the other toys. It's about one foot tall with a spring-mounted figurine. And that figurine actually looks like a woman wearing fencing gear. She's holding a cutlass and she's bouncing frantically up and down because the box that she's

mounted in is a flame. And she seems distressed. I put it out. How? With my... breath. Um, what do I have?

Just fucking empty your... You got a canteen. Yeah, is it so much that I can't pour canteen? No, it's a small toy that's on fire. I put a canteen on there. You're surrounded by snow. You dump your canteen out on this toy. Now he's a problem solver.

You dump your canteen out on this toy, and she breathes a sigh of relief. Are you okay? She assesses the damage done to her and she says, what is she someone? That's a good question, Griffin. I think she sounds a little something like that.

Does she say, nobody wants a Charlie in the box? I'll do a character voice for that. I'm done. She says, thanks. I'm Bertha. Well, I'm a bladed bertha. That's what my toy line's called, but I just go by Bertha for short.

Sorry I said that's so weird. I'm real nervous. What's your all's handles? We don't have handles worth you. You can call me Taco or talk for shirt. They call me Big Dog. And I'm Santa Claus. Hey, I heard of you.

She says, well, welcome to the Chamber of Miss Fit Toys. folks brought us from all around the world to try to appease the young master here but it doesn't look like he took to us, does it? No, because you're misfitored to it, maybe they brought good toys. I mean, listen, I'm not being a jerk, I'm just saying.

She actually sinks back down into the box and the lid slam shut. Listen, Bertha, can I call you Bertha? No. Bertha. I'm an idiot. Yes, he is. Merle, could you not?

Who's Merle? Jesus Christ. Who's Jeet? No, I know him. Happy birthday. Expanding the santa lore pretty significantly right now. You're bitter enemy, Jesus. Listen, I, Bertha.

Bertha, please come back. She, the lid opens up and she kind of reluctantly pops up. She says, that's fine. You all are kind of me. Are you here with those super mean ducks that came through here earlier? Nah, fuck a duck. They broke most of us and set me on fire. I hope they get what's coming to them.

Why would they do that? I have a feeling they will. She says, hey, y'all want to... She starts bouncing up and down on her spring excitedly now. She says, hey, y'all want a duel real quick? No. This light surrounds her, and suddenly, Taco, you're holding a cutlass that matches the one that she has.

It's made of sturdy metal. but you can tell that the blade is pretty dull. After all, it's a child's toy. And as it appears in your hand, Bertha's just bouncing around, flailing her cutlass, saying, on guard, you bastard have at you! So, wait, it's a child's toy? Yeah, it's like a fun-doing toy.

I fuck, oh, come on! Okay, I'll make a melee attack, my first ever, five. Is that good or bad for melee attacks? She knocks your attack out of the way and jabs you in the ten of them. And you're dead. No, it doesn't do any damage. It's a very blunt bluish. She kind of laughs and she's her blade

And as she does yours disappears And she says, so what brings you all to ice keep? If you're here to kill the master Then unfortunately, I gotta fight you. No, we want to make the master hobby right now, master is sad. How are you going to do that? I don't know. He's Santa, he's got toys or some shit.

He says, Bertha says, So you're going to give a present to the master? I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. Do you want to come with us? He's a tough not to crack. He says, She says, I'll tell you what, yeah, why don't you take me with you? I can maybe help you out.

My master is a frost ogre, and his name's Jimmy. What is it? Jimmy. Jimmy? Jimmy. Like J-I-M-M-Y? This is Christian name, yeah. Oh, we're back to Christ again.

Justin double check. It's a frost ogre. Jimmy the Frost ogre. Honestly, he's really not that bad. He doesn't seem to care. for toys, though. So keep that in mind if you're trying to think of the right present. Though, if, so if I were you,

I'd think, rethink, giving him a ball and cup or a hula hoop or something. Anyway, you take me with you, maybe I can help keep Jimmy calm where you're trying to figure out the perfect present. What do you say? And you're a toy, right? I'm a very good toy. Once again, how about, I'll tell you what.

Well, I'll trade you your blunt cutlass for this rapier, so you can actually help us in a fight. this is the only one I can use, she says. And it's probably soldered into her hand, too. You have two hands, I do it. Yeah, but it doesn't open. I'm a toy.

I'm not gonna, I'm not fucking Sipher off over here. I'm a toy, dude. All right, well, come on, you come with me, and I, how big is it? Like, just one foot tall, you can kind of. I pick up the butt, yeah, come on. So another ice store in front of you slides open, revealing a staircase leading upward to Jimmy's chambers. And as you...

Jimbers. the jimbers. And as you ascend, that shrieking cry you've heard this whole time is almost unbearably loud, and it's rattling the walls with each rail. To be fair, the screaming from the room out of us? It's not really screaming. No, no, no, you said that there was a screaming. It was her on fire.

It was her on fire. Yeah, she was upset about that. The air is getting colder as you approach Jimmy's chambers, blowing at you in squalls with each cry. And as you enter, you realize this chamber, Jimmy's main hang zone is a huge space. Chill zone. Please, Griffin. Chill zone.

His chill zone is magically eroded in the center of this glacier. Deep within the frozen walls of this room, you see enormous blue lights just swirling around in the ice, casting refractions of their light into the room. It's a big empty space, about

200 feet long and 90 feet wide. And at the opposite end of the room, you see Jimmy. He's a massive blue ogre. He's 25 feet tall at least. But despite his size, there's something undeniably childlike about him. He's wearing these bright green shorts and a red t-shirt that doesn't entirely cover his belly. And that shirt is emblazoned with a candle knight's tree. And he's just uncontrollably crying. And these big fat tears are dripping slowly off his face. And each time one hits the floor,

a ripple of light spreads out across the room. Polishing the floor, which you can recognize, is just perfectly smooth, a shiny sheet of ice. And Jimmy doesn't notice you enter, nor does he notice the other people in the room, the three Ericocra who are walking menacingly towards Jimmy, until they hear you enter, at which point they turn towards you. And the big armored one says, "'Heh, looks like they caught up with us after all.'

And the robed magic user one says, "'Oh, what are we going to do? We're so close.' And the roguish-looking one says, "'What did I tell you, Ray? we're going to ice these clowns. I'll tell you. Can we use fire stuff yet?

Yeah. Okay, thank you. I also, what I want to do. Just say it. Just say something. Just say anything. I want to take some of my metal thieves tools. Okay.

And using some various bits of rope, strap them to the bottom of my shoes. Make some ice skates. Okay. So the bad guys look at us, right? And then we're like, guys, quick, something. We've got to think of it. Man, it's like, hold on.

Gotta lace up. Got to lace up my magic skates. Quack. Quack. As you do... As you do that... They kill you. Bladed Bertha begins to glow as she sees what you're doing, Magnus.

And you see her start to glow again. And Taco and Merle around your boots, something's happening, you realize that two cutlasses have appeared on the bottoms of your shoes, also giving you skates for ice. And the three of you stand up,

and before, when you walked into this room, you were losing your footing, but now you're graceful as swans. And you see the three Eryocra. You can now see their legs as they're sort of moving towards you, and they have these webbed duck feet as they are coming

closer and closer towards you, but they see that Now you're standing that you've canceled out their evolutionary advantage standing on your iced skates. And the big Eryokokra still charging at you says, what is this witchcraft? And I point at him and say, I'm going to duck you up. Yeah, that's good enough. We're going to take an admission right there. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Griffin.

I told you I'd be back and here I am. Thanks to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. You all have been so supportive of this show over the past few years. and I cannot tell you how much it means to me. And it's especially important that you help us spread the word during these experimental arcs because we're trying some new stuff out. And we think that there's going to be new people that could be potentially into the stuff that we're doing. So we sure do appreciate you spreading the word.

Got a couple jumbo-trons here too. This one is for Nate. And it's from Shannon who says, surprise. Exactly like that. It is phonetically spelled, surprise. Merry Christmas and Happy Brum. birthday to you. I know you said you wanted new headphones, but I thought this would be way cooler. My second gift is going to be starting a campaign we can play as a family. But for now,

thanks for being my favorite and only brother. I don't tell you this enough, but you're awesome and I'm proud of you. Love you, bro. It's so nice and so wonderful. And I'm looking at my levels now, and it looks like I totally blew out my audio when I yelled surprise earlier. So my apologies about that. I have another message here. This one's for Lily, and it's from Megan, who who says, Congratulations. Merry Christmas and early, question mark, happy 10 year anniversary.

I love you dearly and hope that this serves as an acceptable entry into this year's how shit can we be at giving gifts within a reasonable time frame. I miss you very much and look forward to being bad attitude thief twins for at least another 10 years. Love you forever and a day. Is that pot? Isn't that, wouldn't that just be forever? Oh, damn, now you got me scratching my noodle about this brain teaser. I think that all Jumbo-Chondrab brain teasers in there

because there's not enough for me to chew on in there. But congratulations on all your great stuff there, Lily. Sounds like you've really got it going on. I don't have a whole lot else to say here, so I'm going to cut this short and let you get back to the rest of the episode. Again, we will be back next week, Thursday, January 4th, with the setup episode for the next experimental arc, which we're going to try to keep to just a few episodes,

and we're going to be going weekly while we're doing the, which is going to be, it's going to be tricky, but I'm excited to pick up the pace a little bit in how we're telling these new stories. So Thursday, January 4th, I'll talk to you then. Bye. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sidney McElroy. Every week, we release a medical history podcast called Sawbones. We go over the history of the dumbest, grossest, weirdest stuff humans have been doing to each other since the dawn of mankind. But it's a funny show. But it's also so disgusting and stomach turning, you won't believe it. But it's also like, funny, it's funny.

It is the wildest, grossest, nastiest stuff you can imagine. It's a real hoot. It's called Sawbones, and we release it every week on iTunes, wherever podcasts are sold, and right here on maximum fun.org. All right. I'm going to use your initiative rolls from the last battle, which means Taco, you're going first. just to set the stage, you all are in literally a big hockey rink or ice skating rink.

Essentially, depending on if you want to go more of a Mighty Ducks or a Yuri on Ice route with this fight, I will support. I love that. Listen, can I tell you why I love this crowd? Mighty Dugs, son. Yuri on Ice, yeah! I've never seen a clearer, like, separation. I'm like, no, not that. Yes, that!

So, Taco, you're going first. You all are on ice skates, and the three Ericoker are on ice skates. One of them is big and armored. One of them is sort of roguish with two daggers, and one of them is a smaller spellcaster. And they're fighting you in a fight. Okay. Wait, where'd that hair come from? I took off my hat.

This is the hair that's underneath that. That's just what Justin looks like. Just angle it back a little bit because you do, you're acting with your eyes. eyes, son. Good point. Fucking Justin's on some hairy style shit. Okay. Who? Just because I'll never get another opportunity

to do anything that's amazing again. Hey, Bertha. Yeah. Can you make four more blades? I can make as many blades as you need. That's the right answer. I cast Phantam Steed.

Wait, so you guys know about this? You extend your staff and gerald springs for... Well, you're assuming maybe it's a different seat. Oh, yeah, no, no, there's my seat. It's garril. Geryl springs forth from your staff, and for a moment he lands on the ice, and his legs just go all over, and he's just like, yo, why did you bring me here? And then Bertha glows, and suddenly, Geryl's wearing four ice skates, and it's still a little bit, still a horse. So it's still a little bit like

Not much better Wait, I know how to fix this Technically, I think you're cute So Rudolph the right nose right He just thinks I'm cute and then he can fly And he's a binacorn I mean, I don't want to, he's not a horse's binachorn Actually the light

Forms around Merle's Santa suit again And it actually hits Geryl And now suddenly Geryl's fur Is this dark brown His long tail extends to sort of a blue bushy ball and his two horns are now glowing bright red. And I say,

Geryl with your horns so bright, won't you fight this fight tonight? Okay. When I... He didn't say bite this fight. When I cast it, I cast it in the direction of them and hopped on. So I was hoping to just kind of tumble into it. Charge him? Yeah, sure.

Tumble into him. Roll a D20 plus your spell casting. That's a 19. Yeah, that's definitely going to hit not the armored one. Actually, that would hit any of them. Who do you want to hit with charging garrul? The armored one, the rogue, or the spellcaster? The spellcaster.

Okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is a hit. Go ahead and roll, we'll say, 2D10, plus your spellcasting modifier. Oh, he found his dice, finally. Thank you. They were on the drink card. Don't?

Yeah, I do. That's a 7 plus 3. So 10. 10 plus your spellcasting modifier. 15. You're 15. Okay, you pierce into Ray, the magic wielding duck, and he gets knocked up into the air.

He gets knocked up? That's a potent spell. Finally, my Tumblr fan fiction is coming to fruition. And then Taco said, Hey, Doug. What's up, duck? It gets knocked up into the air, and as it gets knocked up into the air,

two beams shoot out of Geryl's horns and blast it also in the air for another nine points of damage. Whoa! These two heat rays shoot out of Geryl's bright red horns. And Geryl says, oh, no, I have two horns. Because die hard?

Everyone gets one of those, yes. Yes. Okay. There's still not a Christmas movie, but it's fun. Oh, we can't fucking do this on a stage in front of people. It is a Christmas movie. Hey, fuck you, it's not a Christmas movie.

Okay, wait, wait. All right, Griffin, please. Is Batman returns a Christmas movie? 30 seconds. Just 30 seconds, okay. It's, okay. It's, okay. Okay, it's, you're not,

if you're not timing it that it's not a Christmas movie, it's set at Christmas, but it's not a Christmas, like, lots of, No, it's not. It's not thematically related to Christmas. It's just set at Christmas? It could happen on Arbor Day. And Christmas is not thematic.

Time. End of discussion. Okay, good. Next in the order. Is Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, actually.

Come on. And it's also a Halloween movie. Okay. Wow. That was the last diversion. I'm going to charge the cake eater. There's a curse? I might charge the cake eater.

I don't know what that means. The cake eater is the big. big beefy one. You told me I can make Mighty Ducks references. Okay. Then you would say I'm only to charge the Bash Brother because he is the one. No, no, no, no. Cake Eater was the handsome boy.

He was the matchbox. I literally said that was the last divergence and that But that doesn't make it true. Yeah, cake eater was the Matchbox 20 looking motherfucker. It wasn't the big burly one. He was nine. Who'd he looked like? Who was there? nine-year-old in matchbox 20?

It was Joshua Jackson who looks like Rob Thomas. No, Joshua Jackson was the main one. A black fog. A black fog spreads throughout the ice rink. And it's a curse. And the curse is this. The next time you all get off topic while playing Dungeons and Dragons, your character will befall a terrible fate.

I'm not joking. Okay. With an unarmed charge. No, no, no, no. Phantom discharge. Fentive discharge. Hell yes. Hell yeah.

Audience member. I am, I rolled a 15 plus eight. Yes, that's a hit on the armored duck. That's one D4. You're just punching them? With a push. Okay. You're checking them to use.

It's only one. So that's five points of damage. Great. Ho, ho, ho. I have two attacks. Okay, so that's Travis's. Thank you. And then I'm going to throw chance lands at them as they stumble back.

Okay. That's a 16 plus 824. That's definitely a hit. Oh, excuse me. It's a hit. It's a 25. Oh, it's a super hit. So it's a hit.

And then that's 1d10? Oh, that's a 1. Plus 5, 6. Okay. So that's 11, and then. Both Ray and the armored. duck are looking kind of not great. And I'm going to use

my action search to attack again. With what? The raging, flaming, poisoning sort of doom. You want to tell your story now? I do. So, I have a really

incredibly beautiful hand... Well, you don't have yet. No, here's the thing. Please do not expect Travis to lift it up from under the table. A shipping company who shall remain nameless failed to get... But it's not FedEx and it's not America.

But it's not FedEx and it's not the United States Postal Service. It's fucked up real bad, so it's not here. But... If you live in Kentucky, know that the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom is nearby. It's treasure hidden in a UPS dungeon. You shall remain a name.

They fucking know who it is. No, that's a short for Upsi. I want to give a big... shout to Lauren and Grant, who fucking worked their asses off to try to get it here, including flying from L.A. to Seattle to try to physically go to the place and bring it, only to find out it wasn't there. Grant of MythBusters fame, also of being a super solid dude fame. Yeah, Grant are apparently the best. The best. Thank you to both of you. But also, Lauren, Lauren, who made the sword, is the best. And then I'm going to do

attack with her agency. Okay. Well, that's a five, but plus a nine. That's a hit. I've decided. Hey, thanks. On the armored duck? Yeah. Are you sure? Oh, are you sure that's who it's attacking? Because that might not hit the armored duck. I'm going to hit the rogue

one. Hey, it's a hit. And I believe that's this plus a bunch. I don't have that one. That's a six plus five, 11 plus like what 42? It's plus 20. Thank you, Commissioner. So that'll be 31.

Okay. The armored duck, or the rogue duck, is now looking very bad. And I'm going to, because I have a God, I only get to do this. Yeah, but you do it over and over and over. I don't do anything.

That was the one. That was the one. I think about attacking, but then I remember at times someone made fun of me when I was a child. Is there any flavor to your attacks, or are you just sort of on ice skates flailing a big sword around? Griffin? I want that flavor. I am

skating like, I don't know, what's a really good skating animal. All right, we're moving on. A penguin. Like a penguin. Like a snoopy. I'm skating. That's the thing. You look at me and go, oh, he's a great. Oh, he sliced that guy, but you don't see the attack coming. Because surprisingly, so lovely.

Magnus is fucking graceful on the ice. Yeah, sure. Next in the order is Ray, the magic duck, who's not looking very good. What a weird sentence. Ray, the magic duck. Beloved Christmas character. Lifts their staff into the air and casts haste on the rogue. Until the spell ends, the target's speed is doubled.

It gains a plus 2 to AC, and it has advantage on dexterity saving throw, and it gains an additional action on each. of its turns. So you see this lights surround the leather armor-clad duck with the two knives, and suddenly they are skating like a bullet all around the ring doing laughs and beautiful jumps,

pirouettes, axles. No, no, no, let them keep going. A toe loop. We're not leaving anything else for the rest of us. Yeah. And they are actually up next, and they are going to come after

Let's see. Who attacked the rogue duck? It was Magnus. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're going to come at you, and they are going to take two attacks with these big gnarly knives.

One is a critical hit? Oh. And one is a 17 versus AC? Wait, what is that? 17? No, it's a miss. Okay. Yeah.

The critical hits going to be... I know. I was checking... Hold on. I was checking my list of things I could do. I'm not just like on Twitter. Hey guys, so plenty indeed. What are you guys doing?

The crit is 36 points of damage. Wait, he critted on me? Yes. Next in the order is Merle. Santa. Oh. Are there any truths that they possess that we need to extract from them? Merle does a Hamel Camel.

What's that? That's something Dorothy Hamel. used to do. I don't know. She spun around and carried water on her back. I don't know exactly what it was. Sure.

And stay with me. Give me a second. Oh, God, damn. That's the most, like, scary thing. That's very ominous. Careful, the black fall.

He casts plainer ally. And summons, wait, wait. And summons Gundron with the Phoenix fire gauntlet.

Right now, people at home, the silence you hear is mean, Justin, and Griffin, wondering if it's either a fuck you or that's the most competent thing our father has ever done in his whole life.

Okay. All right, here's my dad. Obviously failed as a parent. No, no. Well, yeah. Yikes. Your son's played D&D for a living. Get your It's definitely the first one, because he's dead. No, no, no, no. And we took the gauntlet from him.

Here's what I'll do with this. Okay. But I'll need a, I'll need a, I'll need a, a role. And now we're just playing fucking Calvin ball folks. Because they're on a time limit. Not yet. Because I want to explain what it is, what I'm envisioning for this scene. Okay.

Interior Day. Smash cup. I think you cast this spell, and you specifically pull him from the moment of old Fandolin's destruction. For, for like a tenth of a second. For like a tenth of a second, you just see this flash. And suddenly in front of you, the smooth ice that you're on turns to that smooth black glass of Fandolin. And it's just like, it's just like that quick. But there is fire fucking everywhere in that second, and you catch the three birds in the flame.

But I want, the, like, strength of the projection is going to be based on your D20 role plus spellcasting modifier. And if it's shitty, we'll figure it out. Well, if it's shitty, I'll just lie. No, you won't. By the way, folks, this scene is a, it can be seen in the forthcoming graphic novel for a first second. Yeah, go to theadventurezonecomcom and get our graphic novel. Theadventuresonecom. Roll that shit.

Here we go. Not bad. 14. 14. 14. 14. Plus my spell casting modifier.

Plus five. Minus five. You can borrow it. 19. 19. Yeah. That's a number. And now.

No, wait a minute. It's actually plus eight. Plus eight. So it's 22. So fuck off. Docs. Okay, with a 22, you... Wait, hold on, hold on.

No, I don't like that. How I have 22 attacks. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Okay, now everybody's used them up, and we're done. What was that, by the way? It was that. Diehard. Die hard.

The black fog, be careful. Okay, so... The rogue duck with the haste speed dodges out of the way of the column of fire, but the armored duck and magic duck are both caught up in it. With that, the magic duck is incinerated. Oh shit.

And is gone. Crispy duck. The armored duck is looking... Hold on. No, it was good. It was good. Crispy duck. That was really good.

The armored duck is looking like a stiff wind could probably knock them over. and the rogue duck, who is still kind of bad off, got out of the way. So now it's just the two-year-old. And then just as quickly as that, they're gone. And another tear drop falls out of the ogre's eye, and as it hits the ground, the ice that was sort of melted by the fire is zambonied back into shape. Taco.

Okay. Still on Garel, the beautiful steed. I'm on Garel, my beautiful steed, and I race towards them. Okay. And I raised the Umbrstaff, and I say, bad news, idiots. I know how the podcast ends, and we can't die. And I cast... Just to set it up, the poem did establish that this takes place after everything else that's happened in the...

Oh, really? It takes place after... Spoiler alert. No, wait, don't do it, because... No, Trevin, Justin's right. Okay, I take it back. I cast Delayed Blast Fireball. What? We all fuck now. A beam of yellow light flashes from my hand.

I'm glad you said hand. Yeah. The bead blossoms with a low roar into an explosion of flame that spreads around corners. Each creature in a 20-foot radius sphere centered on an explosion of flame must make a dexterity saving throw if you don't save it goes bad.

And you're going to, we'll see. We'll just do this. Excerity Saving Throne Throne now. So the hastened rogue duck has advantage on dexterity savings. I just want to confirm, though, that we're far and away from Jimmy that this is not going to... Oh, no. Jimmy's still very, very far away. Thank you. The Magic Duck rolled a five...

Oh, the Magic Duck's dead. Armored Duck rolled a five. And Rogue Duck... Got a critical miss. And a 21 versus Ace, or whatever the... It's a dexterity saving throw. Yes. Against your spell cut. Sesting save.

Which is 18. Yeah. You guys should roll. So, four. Merle, roll that D20. You are saving the delay. I need to start rolling my D6 now, because if I don't start now, I won't be done.

We'll do this. We'll just roll the D6 once and multiply by the number of dice. Well, that's not how a number is worth. Okay, then start rolling it. Don't you have a computer program that can roll? Yeah, sure. Okay, it's 12 D6. I'm going to use Perry.

Which one of the ducks is that? I think since we're so good on our skates, we should get advantage on that roll, Griffin. Okay, no. Merle, what are you getting? You did say okay first. Merle, what do you get? I rolled a 19.

Hell yeah, dude. Merle saves. You see Merle leaping gracefully from the explosion, as both of the armored folks are caught up and hit for 36 points of fire damage. Oh, no, I'm fine. Okay. That is enough to also incinerate the armored duck, leaving just the rogue duck.

I'm not at 41. I'm doing fine. 41, that's still better than most of you have. Yeah. Oh, wait, hold on. I should roll mine. Yeah, it's fine. You don't hate yourself.

I don't think I'd hit myself, would I? No, probably not. No, I think, I mean, you're aiming it. Aiming it. Yeah, yeah, I'll give it to you. Exactly 21 feet away, for sure. For sure, for sure, for sure. And you got that spell shaping thing too, right?

Absolutely. Thank you, Clinton. Yes, spell shaping. So important. Next up is the... Is me? Rogue. It is.

Uh-oh. You're going to hurt them. I am going to aim chance lance. They're going very fast. At the rogue. Okay. And then I'm going to aim about two feet in front of them. All right

Oh Take advantage on that because you're leading your target Yeah, okay, that was 23 Yeah, that'll do it Duck Hunt, baby Roll your damage It's an 8 plus 513 Here's the scene

That rogue duck jumps out of the way of Taco's explosion And then turns onto heels And does that cool thing where the ice shoots up And then just started using its haste to sprint towards Jimmy. And as it was going, you calculated using... We see the arithmetic fall spread out of Magnus's brain. And you throw the lance and... Oh, wait, now we have another great line.

Take a gander at that. Okay. We're even, right? No, you're even. The duck was very, very far away as you threw chance lance at it. And I mumbled that line. And you just kind of see it far away. It's tiny. form just kind of fall over dead. And you have solved

my duck puzzle. Yeah! And with that, as the last of the Ericocra go down, finally, Jimmy in the back of the room, seized all the combat from afar, and he seems really upset that there's all this fighting happening in his

bedroom, essentially, and tears are just streaming off his face, sending these constant ripples across the surface of the ice. And the wailing is so loud now that the room is shaking and above you, you hear the ice start to crack in these deep booms. It's going to be okay.

You don't have long to... Please don't fucking disarm the drama and tension of the situation. Jimmy sees the three of you skate towards him with Bertha bouncing as Magnus, I guess has it strapped to your back.

On my shoulder like a... Yoda style. No. And Jimmy looks down and looks at the three of you and Jimmy says, Santa? My pebbles! Is that really you? Hello, Jimmy.

Santa, why haven't you... I'm Johnny Cass. Hello, Jimmy. He says... Love is a burning thing. That's really good. Thank you. Jimmy says,

Why haven't you visited me? I've been a really good boy. Santa Cast's Zone of Truth Have you been a good boy? Let's find out. It's a 12. Everybody else rolled too. We're doing this fucking thing.

That's a three. All right. Okay. Yes, Jimmy. I am Santa Claus. That wasn't the question. Yes, it was. No, the question is, why didn't you bring me anything?

Why didn't you bring me any? Yeah, Santa. Well, Jimmy, I tried to get in, but your fucking door was locked. And you don't have a chimbley. It's true. I live in an iceberg. I thought that was it. No, Jimmy, Santa has always loved you.

Great. Wait, hold on. You're in zone of truth. Santa did say it is list. He was afraid of this place. But you can love things and be afraid of them, son. What does that even mean? I know what it means. Jimmy says,

Jimmy says, well, did you bring me a present? Well, Jimmy, I can give you a present, but I need to know what would make you happier than anything in the... I'm a little kid, I don't know.

Fuck off. I don't know what... I don't know. been happy in a while. I'm just so lonely down here. Oh. Jimmy, maybe true happiness lies within. Maybe... Go with me here. Go with me.

Jimmy, maybe true happiness is not something you find wrapped up in a gift. Fuck that. Come here. Okay. You're taking so long. I can read. I can give you anything. Push on. How would you like a friend?

A real friend? A real friend. A little boy just like you. And I open the bag and a little hand reaches out with a magnifying glass in it. And he says

Happy Hanukkah, sirs. Angus MacDonald appears from the bag I guess and immediately starts slipping on the ice immediately starts shivering extremely cold

he's in his pajamas hold on, hold on and he says what's going I'm so cold everything's cold I give him the feathered curious

and say he's fucking suck it up. Get your shit together, kid. And Jimmy looks at Angus and says, Hello, do you want to be my friend? And Angus looks around the room

at the fact that he's in the middle of a glacier, in the middle of a dungeon, and sees you three with battle wounds and three dead ducks on the floor and the 25-foot ogre standing in front of him. And we see the arithmetic form around Angus's brain

as he says, yes. If I may, can Magnus lean in and whisper to Angus? I guess. Pin pals. Excuse me, new friend. Do you own a pen? And Jimmy says,

No, I don't. There's plenty of feathers and quills around. And sure enough, Jimmy reaches down and plucks one of the feathers off of the dead duck in front of. Gips it in their blood. And you see Jimmy and Angus talking, and Jimmy realizing... What's your AOL AIM?

They trade user names, and with this, Jimmy stops crying, and he cheers. And as he cheers, the iceberg around you just explodes. And the ice goes flying outwards, and suddenly all of you are standing. out in the snow fields in the hills beyond Fandolin again. And as you are standing there, you realize that the raging snowstorm has finally eased up. The clouds above have thinned, letting strands of bright moonlight pierced through,

illuminating these slow, fluffy flakes floating lazily through the air. With soft and lovely light. Over the hills, you can hear cheering as folks celebrate the quieting of the cry from ice-keep. And then in the quiet of this gentle snow. you can hear those cheering voices start singing carols as they realize. We don't rehearse this stuff, folks. No, we just all happen to share

the same brain. Yeah. They are one quarter of the beats. Believe it or not, we don't rehearse. As hard as that must be for you to believe in the exact moment. The people of Fandolin are singing carols as they realize in unison that candle nights is saved. and it didn't come in boxes.

I actually have a poem to walk us out. Wait. Before read the poem, should we say thank you to everybody? I mean, we can do it after the poem, too. No, let's do it now. Thank you, everybody, for coming. Yes, thank you, Tacoma and Seattle by extension, because I know a lot of you came up.

No, you know what? Fuck Seattle. No, stop. We're going to be there all weekend. We will be there all weekend, Travis does not mean. Thank you to the Pantagesisages. This place is absolutely beautiful. No, you know what?

No, stop. Thank you to Sam for helping us out. Thank you to CAA for helping us get this show together. Thank you to Somerset Soes for building two-thirds of the costumes. And a cut-so for my costume. Thank you to Lauren and Grant. Sword didn't make it, but Lauren is posting pictures of the sword to their Twitter. Oh, come to PodCon if you want.

tomorrow if you don't have tickets. Podcon.com. You can get in-person tickets still or do remote attendance if you can't make it down. Podcon.com. Yeah, we're streaming. Literally here. Yeah. Yeah, but they're 45 minutes away. I don't want to drive. We're going to be doing

the adventure zone zone where we're going to be talking about stuff and a live mobim bam and some other panels that we're all on. Okay. And sincerely, thank you so much. Yes, this is always the most fun shit ever. Yeah. You're all a grand. But I do have a po. Okay, read your poem.

Oh, um. And so did the wailing from down in ice keep give way to sweet silence, not even a peep from the ogre, sweet Jimmy, enormous and blue, whose visit from Santa left his spirits renewed. And so our dear heroes with a job so well done did abscondue Fandelion for some holiday fun,

and told townsfolk their story of a candle night saved, while back in the bathroom, Dear Merle did shave. It just wasn't his style, a beard bushy and white. Oh, and happy candle nights to all and to all a good night. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Hey, MaxFund listeners. It's Jesse, the founder of Maximumfund.org. I have some pretty incredible holiday news for you. So you remember last year's Max Fund Drive?

We offered pins for all of our shows to folks who donated. And we agreed to donate all of the net revenue from the pins to the Los Angeles Regional Food Bank. Well, I just yesterday had the chance to hand a giant check to a representative from the Food Bank. And you're not going to believe how much money you gave to give needy families food. over $100,000, $100,365 to be specific. That means nearly half a million meals for families who need food this year. I'm really proud of every single maximum fund donor who made this possible. It's a remarkable achievement, a beautiful thing.

It completely obliterated my idea and expectation. of what we might be able to do this year. So, as you head into 2018, please be proud of what this amazing community did for hungry families in the Los Angeles area where Max Fund is based. If you'd like to keep the love rolling, go to lafoodbank.org slash maximum fun.

That's lafoodbank.org slash maximum fun, and you can make a tax-deductible donation there. Every dollar that you give means four meals for needy families. Thanks to all of you who support everything that we do, and thanks for your incredible contribution to folks who need it here in our hometown.