The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Dadlands 2: Into the Corn Hole

Episode Date: January 12, 2023

Live from Washington, DC, the Dads are BACK! Game Mom Brennan Lee Mulligan returns to continue this rowdy dad-venture with even more dad jokes, dangers, and complicated mechanics. Additional music in this episode: "Dirt Road Traveller", "Whadafunk", and "Checks for Free" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Shudder and behold, a ruined wasteland of scorched rock and barren earth. Who knows what ruin came to this forsaken place? Thank you. Who, as I was saying, who knows what ruin came to this forsaken place? But the earth was scorched. The bones of this land laid bare. and when the doom came were

well I'm going to turn it over to the wonderful mackerel all right everybody welcome welcome the Adventure Zone Dadlands a just a mackerel original concept I have to say that because I was going to turn it into a a YA novel and I never

this kind of ruined that for me and it's the only great idea so this is a post-apocalyptic wasteland that we created the rules for as almost on a dare sort of and it along with keith baker and jenn alice of together studios they turned it into a real game they made our board game too they turned it into a real game uh and this is the second time it has been played on the earth presumably and so we changed it so we we uh kept our our game mom for this episode and last episode britton lee molligan in fact in fact i we should update the rules of Dadlands that unless

Brandon is your game on, it's illegal. That's our DRM. We can tell you the rules, but honestly, we're inventing cornhole rules five minutes before the show started, so you tell me. I'll happily explain to our wonderful audience here. As we all know, the elemental forces that struggle and sometimes collaborate, but sometimes conflict

within each and every dad are, of course, the elemental forces of law and chaos. Within their various fanny packs, each of our dads here has a number of law and chaos tokens. Red, of course, chaos, blue, of course, law. And to accomplish things in the game, I may ask for pulls, and they will tell me whether the poll is for law or for chaos.

And if they succeed, then they move forward, and if they fail, they may indeed lose those tokens. We have different numbers of law. We all have seven, but our balance between law and chaos, tokens available to us is different for each character depending on how chaotic a dad that it is. I'm quite chaotic. So, in addition, we're adding a new mechanic this time, you may notice a large cornhole board in the middle of the stage.

I would argue it's regulation size, but... When the chips are down and the stakes are at their highest, you may indeed see one of these dads get up and decide to Cornholet. Do we get a vote? Do you get a vote? I'm just kidding. I don't know if I want a cornhole. I may call for it, but you may also elect to cornhole.

No, I've played with you before. I know what it's like going against your intentions. That shall not happen. No. Backstage, he's a real bully. Yeah, everybody thinks, nice, sweet Bernard and Lee Mulligan, but we know the real guy. Well, also, if you didn't hear the first episode, the mustache I wore was a blight against my existence

for about two and a half hours, and I am happy to report. This is the exact same brand of mustache, and I will be struggling in silence again. So, for those we didn't listen to the episode, Griffin cannot emote effectively. Or apparently, drink fluid. Because with that one sip of this delicious, juicy beer,

I did give away a lot of adhesive material. Can I, may I begin to weave? May I weave my weave? Weaver. Can I weave? Can I weave? I'm gonna weave, once again, the blazing sun

with all of the ferocity of its vast and cosmic flame beats down thunderously on the salt white flats of the Dadlands. It is a dry heat. We'll roll the windows down. We don't have to use air conditioning, though.

And we find this is nature's air conditioning. With a roar of mighty engines, as dust is kicked up into the post-apocalyptic waste, we see a vehicle racing for its very life across the edge of the horizon. And as we zoom in, we see it is being pursued with the screams and shouts. of a hard-ass patrol. No. Indeed. Our wonderful heroic dads

now race for life and limb as a massive war car, a stretch Humvee, almost an eighth of a mile long, an abomination against creation and logic

as, there's no way that gets good gas mileage. And you see, Hard asses. These are dads. Within the cosmology of the dadlands, a hard ass is a dad that has given up all of their chaos and succumbed to a cold and unfeeling law.

These hard asses lean out of the Humvee with their skulls exposed, metal plates grafted onto their butts. Yep. They shout and hoot and holler. Focus up! Focus up! You got to focus up! Man, I like these guys. No.

Yeah, I do. I'm identifying. I'm going to switch sides. And Guy Ferrari adjusts, mirror, and says, look at these jokers. As you call them jokers, all of them spit in unison.

I'm no joke, buddy. Nice to meet you. I'm no joke, buddy. I'm dead. No, no pull necessary. One of the side war cars just blows up. Just straight up blows up.

Boom. Power the dad joke destroys it. It's, he has the gift. The lead war car, the stretch Hummer, barrels down on our heroes. You see in the rearview mirror reading it backwards, the name written on the front of this war rig that you've never seen this far into this part of the Dadlands. The name of this vehicle, no son of mine.

Which, Backwell how. Inum. Yeah. Info. Info. Marshall. With that, I think it's high time.

We meet our heroes and the vehicle they're traveling in. Let's go ahead and start over here. My name is Brickett Hawkins. I'm, it's been a rough couple years for old Brickett. I am now the former proprietor of the Waco Wasteley. Number one, Rivjoy, Huggins is sloppy doggone hogs, pa. Who's the new owner?

He cheated me in a gambling game. It was Walton Goggins. Now it's Walton Goggins' hoggins' sloppy dog on. What's the point? Dad, that's the kind of high-energy character intro that really gets your motor rubbing, huh? Speaking of motor revving. And you're a grilled dad.

Yeah, I'm a grilled dad. I'm very chaotic. And it's sad. I'll be playing Guy Ferrari. Thank you. I'm a car dad, and I've traded in my 10-year-old Hyundai Alantra, and because I took such good care of it, the Kelly Blue Book value was higher than when I bought it.

So I was able to trade it in. I got myself a real cherry minivan and a 1963 Corvette that I've been fixing up in my spare time. But we don't drive that one. It's not ready yet. I'm Coach Red Ruffinsore. I'm the sports dad. I too hit on some rough times. The team I was once the coach of, went to a.

a great public outcry to make us change the name of our team. Oh, this will go over so good, Clay. Yeah, no way this is bad. No way this doesn't. Now, hold on. Let's hear the minute. So we had to change the name of the team

and it just has, it does not gone over well. I can hear the ice cracking below our fucking feet. They were the herpes. And, uh, I kind of get it. I kind of.

You know, it's hard to wrap your hands around that. And also, the mascot was just horrifying. Oh, yeah. I love that in your mind, dad, there was a time where everyone was like, I love it. My name's Chip Hugginsby, and I'm a little bit of a Disney nut. And I don't care what people say, Disney was real. Okay. Not everybody believes it, but I've read all the books.

And if you really look at it, Disney was real. Well, then how come we don't know the location of it to this day? Well, I'm still not sure about that, but I am not Walt, am I? Indeed. Someday they're going to unfreeze him, and then you're going to look real stupid. Now, we both know they've already unfrozen everyone who was cryogenically frozen during that time, and he wasn't among them. Yeah, well, it's a deeper one. You've got to be a member of...

1233 to get in, so it's exclusive. Indeed. Just as I have scripted. Yeah. Just always say indeed. Just say indeed more often. We see our four dads. We know not whether Disney was real, and in the lore of the dadlands,

though some rumors flitter hither and yon in the various enclaves of the dad tribes of the long-lost mothers of the children. But no, this world holds only dads. And more and more dads every year, which is inexplicable. Don't think about it too hard. It'll really freak you out. You find yourself racing through the desert pursued by a patrol of hard asses.

You've never seen them this far into the dadlands before. Now, Brennan, I do want to say, them being hard asses, and me as a car dad, we are going the speed limit. I'm going one mile over. You see the hard asses realizing that at one mile an hour, you will slowly outstrip them, and you can see them feverishly working to overcome this. In the middle of your minivan, there is a bowling ball bag

that you recovered in this excursion. Before we meet our dads, you had just been to the room. of Pop and Pop and Pop's top stop chop shop. One more? One more time. Pop and Pop's Top Stop Chop Chop Shop. Okay.

Which was the last... Everyone remembered Pop and Pop and their top stop was a chop shop. Yeah. Pop and Pop, Top Top Chop Chop Chop. Got it. At the very edge of the Car Dad lands, close to the old ruins of Sawburg, which you will remember, in your last great adventure together, you... burn to the fucking ground. Burn to the fucking ground. And going to the chop shop, you found

that there were signs of a struggle. Something terrible had happened, but hidden away deep in a safe place was this bowling ball bag that has been sealed. You have it in your car with you now, but as you found it, you heard the roar of the hard asses engines, and now they're coming after you.

You hear behind you a hard ass, seeing you slowly one mile per hour start to strip away, get to the top of the war rig, beat his chest with this intense sort of black and decker branded apron and go, focus up, focus up! And you see everyone looks and salutes and says,

He gave 110%! I really like these guys. Can I get in that car? No, don't succumb. All right. You see this dad takes what looks like a bunch of expired fireworks, leaps from the car, and I'm going to need someone here to do something

as this dad goes, you hear all of them back, all the hard asses back there all chant in unison. He lives forever, committed and determined in Dad Hala. I have a figment-branded popcorn bucket that I feel with, that I keep fill with nails and gravel, and I'm going to swing at him to try to knock him off. of its trajectory. Okay, we're gonna need a pull.

We're gonna need a pull here. Feels, I mean, it's up to you. It feels fairly chaotic, right? Yeah, yeah. All right. Popcorn bucket full of nails. Difficulty one. We're gonna want to see a red token pop out.

Let's see. Say again. Difficulty one. So we just need one token here. We're gonna pull one token. Make it red. Oh, he had a skit. Oh, it was a ritz.

Everything tastes better when it sits. It's on a Ritz. Well, wait, does he have a... Hold on, wait. Yeah. Does he have a second Ritz? Red token. That is a red token.

Flying through the air from... God, that hit the spot, though, for real. God, I love a Ritz. Yeah, what's not to love? Flying through the air from the open window of the minivan. Nails, gravel, rust, and scrap hits this hard ass, square in the jaw. Teeth, blood, you hear... Dagnabit, and whom!

Disappears under the wheels of the war rig as everyone goes, you're horsing around. I put on my right turn signal. This is going to be a pull. But I'm going to turn left. This is going to... Chaos.

That's got to drive him crazy. This is going to be a pull. I'm going to say... I'm going to see two chaos tokens. Holy shit. We need to see two chaos tokens. There's no way. There's no way.

That's one. That's one chaos token. One red chaos. Now if it comes up. Wait, wait, wait. Does he have to put it back in? No, he does not. It stays out.

Okay. Okay. And if the next one is law, it's a mixed success. If it's chaos, it's a full success. It is chaos. The convoy follows after you. Turn signal goes on. You pull to the left.

Hey, buddy. I don't know if you notice this. You put on your right blinker. there, you went left. No, I was trying to confuse them. Oh, wow. You watch as the war rig behind you

sees the turn signal, immediately pulls to cut the angle and destroy you. You pull to the left. The rig, hits the side of a ravine opening up and disappears into the emptiness of space.

That's exactly. exactly what I thought would happen. Behind it, you see four smaller hard-ass cars in a row. And on not just a mixed success, but a true double-chaust success, you see every single one of those hard-asses. Yeah.

Look at what just happened and say, he used the right blinker and all drive straight into the canyon. Good night, everybody. We did it. We won. You see smoke rising up from the canyon, but temporarily you have escaped this hard-ass excursion

in a part of the dadlands that you haven't seen hard asses in a generation. This place is deep within the car dad land, so something is amiss. Smoke rises, but you also have that parcel with you in your vehicle. What would you like to do? I'm driving. I'm not taking my hands off ten and two.

I killed a guy with a popcorn bucket, so... Coach Redd has a lot of sports expertise. He said it was a bowling ball bag. So he would probably know how to open it. Yeah. As a non-athlete myself, the many puzzles of this bowling ball bag would flummox me. The machinations of...

What is this? It's like teeth interlocking. Yeah. Let me, hang on, before I... Yeah, I'm going to try to open it. Hell yeah. As you open it, I'm going to say this is a one token law. You're just trying to open a bowling ball bag.

So we'll do it. It's a one token law pull. I'm heavy law. Yeah, Dad's Fannie Back has LEDs with a football in the front. So everyone, look at that. He shipped it to my house a month ago, and it was the most confused I've ever been to receive a package. All right.

All right. Man, this game's broken. You guys are crushing it right now. Who made this? I am curious what you would have done if he had failed unzipping a bowling ball bag. He lost a finger. Yeah.

We would have narrated our way through something seemingly impossible. We would have really, you know, we would have gotten all the way there. Oh, he got stuck on the fabric. Yeah, there you go. Opening the zipper of the bowling bag. That was more creaky door.

Yeah, a haunted door swings open. the little bobblehead on the dashboard of the minivan begins to shake. All of you feel a hum of energy, overtake, even surpassing the ambient noise of the engine and the driving, and light begins to emit out of the opening in the seam of the bowling ball. And I look down and I go, It's beautiful! And his face melts off.

And his face melts off. Yeah. You've been tragically killed by the bowling ball bag power. Yeah, I steady my Dale Earnhardt bubblehead. The bobblehead. Junior or senior? Both. Whoa.

Sitting on each other's shoulders. Yeah. As it was meant to be. Two little bobbling heads. Stop bobbling. And you see, read, looking into the book, endless possibility, energy, movement, matter, time, and space,

coalesces into a perfect summation of all knowledge that a dad could ever want or need. The rest of you see an object levitate under its own power out of the bowling ball bag. And coming into focus is a book, hardcover with a beautiful dust jacket covered in black and white photography and a title on the top of the book saying, bottom of the ninth,

Winston Churchill, Chuck Berry, and the Golden Age of Aviation. Wow. May I step out of character? I am so moved right now. The ultimate dad book. Yeah. I find myself in an unprecedented amount of arousal right now that I...

You know, for me, it's pretty. But it's nice to feel it at once more. The book slowly descends, and you can see now that some of the pages within it are dog-eared. There are some markings and inscriptions within the book, and as it sort of lands open in front of you, this mythical repository of knowledge, the dad lands with all of the ruin and chaos, information is sort of the rarest currency of all. and you see in the margins of the book a lot of scientific notation, equations, molecular structure. Only one of us was a science dad.

However, though none of you are science dads, you do know your way to the tower of the last and lonely science dad. If that man has not self-immolated at this point, I will be shocked. Maybe he put up some plastic sheeting over the windows to make it easier to air condition. Do you all remember the way to the Science Dad's Glass Tower? Yeah, I could do it from memory.

I don't need a map and I won't stop to ask directions. You know, need to, second star on the ride straight on until morning. But it's daytime. Well, we have to wait. Does anyone need to go potty? All right, Red, you got it. Right, Red, you got it. How has the dynamics shifted?

Is Red more advanced in age than the rest of us? No! Okay. I'm not playing here that way. We haven't addressed the existence of grandpas in the Dadlands, although that, I suppose, would be predicated on the people in Dadlands having parents, which they don't. Nope.

Which is fucking wise. Also, you can't be a granddad without a younger generation coming in. It's true. dads and younger dads and younger dads. I wish you guys would respect Brendan's narrative a little bit. He may have a surprise granddad in there. Look at him, X and stuff out.

Hey, dad, surprise granddad is a great band name. After a moment of Red Rough and Sour using the restroom, which in a vast wasteland is just sort of anywhere you like. Yeah, anywhere you like. Anywhere that's not in the car. Oh. Although we do have boss.

Some big gulp. Because we're not stopping to let anybody go to the bathroom. No, it's okay, because there's a bathroom next to the biggest ball of twine in the wasteland. It's only this big. Not a lot of twine in the wasteland. It's all been harvested.

Flammable. Do you indeed wait until nightfall to wend your way to the Tower of the Science Dad? Yeah, it seems like it would be safer to go to his big glass tower during nighttime. Sure, for sure, for sure. If you don't remember, it reflects light in such a way that it is extremely painful. It microwaves any human being inside of it between the hours of 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. A giant glass tower in a desert does produce its fair share of spontaneous lasers.

However, traveling there for the first time at night, we see the clear and moistureless air of the desert superimposes an illuminated glass tower against a horizon of twinkling stars. You approach the tower of the science dad once again here in the freezing cold of desert night. I pull into the wrong driveway first because I have to turn around and go back and I do like a, hey, nice to visit you, we're going,

and we turn around and go back to the right driveway. The science dad does have one neighbor. It's just a normal fucking house. Since the last time you've been here, It is a huge glass post-apocalyptic tower and a perfect one-story ranch home just right next to it. He goes, oh, you good to see you there, guy.

How's it going? It's going pretty good. I can't stop the talk. How's the missing? Nope. Yeah, none of us have those. When I think about it, I start to feel like... Okay, we're going to go.

You watch as this nice neighbor man begins to fall into a hole in his own brain and you had... I have the strangest feeling if you walk away I won't exist anymore or ever again. What's your name again? Tom Kong! You see, yeah, a bus drives by

and Jason Bourne style, he's gone. He's nowhere to be seen. The glass doors of the Tower of the Science Dad open, and you see Redean bespectacled wearing a dirty and stained white lab coat with fractals and mathematical runes carved into his chest, a pair of spectacles with only a single lens inside, Professor Peter Poppins. Well, well, well, if it isn't the assembled heroes of the dad tribes, once again, come to my tower. I'm sorry, can we do a standard dad greeting of like,

look with the cat tracked in or like long time to see. This break in etiquette is unforgivable. Peter bows deeply and says, forgive me. And takes a step back and goes, oh, oh, here comes trouble. Oh, oh, oh. Thank you. They let all kinds in here. Oh, they don't let anybody in here.

You're working hard or? Hardly. Hardly. It is good to remember the old ways. Chip Hugginsby walks over and drops the bowling bag right at his feet and says, Start talking, Dweeb. I will, but only because I choose to. I ever get you through the night, partner?

The science dad reaches in and removes the book from within the bag. My God. Bottom of the ninth. Winston Churchill, Chuck Perry, and the Golden Age of Aviation. Everything Dad's Like. Where did you find this? Pop. Pop and Bob Stop, Pop.

Listen, I only have the mental capacity to remember one sort of repetition-based small business name. And it's Walton Goggins' doggone sloppy hog stop. The fact... The fact that you all expect me to remember Pop and Pop's top stop chop shop is... Oh shit! You snuck up on it. Even brief exposure to this book can expand the mental capabilities of a dad by an order of magnitude. I feel like I've taken the pill from Limitless as movie I watched on TBS.

TBS, a dad's favorite, well, one of top three favorite channels. Indeed. You see all of you here. he beholds the book and says, come with me. I need to show you my computer chamber. And excuse me? Shoes off or on?

He says, at night we do shoes off, but I would not recommend shoes off during the day. Glass floors, too, huh? Yes, glass floors. They'll melt your feet. Hey, brother, it's been a few years. How have you not dissolved your seat? Turned yourself into a charred black ashen skeleton on the ground outside somewhere.

However, if your birds not eating you, I have a lot of questions, my friend. Well, my birds don't eat me because they're all dead. Okay. All. Nice ones. And secondly, who's to say I haven't died? Well, you just did. You're here.

Why am I doing your voice? I don't know. You gotta get, well, were you a spectral sign stat or what? Ghost dad? I try to run my hand through his ruined chest. Go ahead and give me a chaos pole. Oh!

That's a law token. So you're going to lose that law token. I only have, we just started. I only have one law token left in here. You better start doing some more, like, if he goes full chaos, he becomes a deadbeat dad. That's correct. Yes, absolutely. Well, that would be a good thing to pull him back from with a cornhole throw.

No, stop it. Oh. I think that's exactly what we should do. Cornhole for your soul. Cornhole for your soul. Cornhole for your soul. Cornhole for your soul. Okay, stop.

Wait. Please understand. I'm the only person in this room for whom the thing you're chanting will become immediately applicable. You all can shout things like cornhole for your soul. I am the focal point of that energy. And try to imagine if you were in my seat right now. Now, Griffin, I would argue that normally when people chant a thing in large numbers, it is directed towards one person. What does cornhole for your soul mean?

It just sounded good. I don't know. It just sounded cool. That's what I suspected. As you reach your hand forward to see, let us face facts. Brickette is a man of meat. Yes. And you want to know.

It's all I know. And you want to know if the man in front of you is a meat man or something else. Sure. You reach forward and you see the science dad says, no, don't! Your hand touches his chest. the science dad splits into three separate dads reemerges again three again one again three again one as your hand you feel the last bits of law leaving your body however what would normally doom you in this moment you have a chance to avert as the book glows bright and the drawings of those

molecules emerge in light and swirl around you in a helix of energy. We move to the cornhole board. You need, ripping, you need bags. All right. Now, you are attempting to preserve your soul and not go full deadbeat. As I've said before, you are a meat man, and this challenge is meat-related because you are trying to stop yourself, yep, you want to not be meat, you want to be a man. So this is meat related. We're going to give you, I'm going to say, two bags. Okay, so what we've set up here,

do you want to spell out the lines? Here are the lines. You determined how many throws you get, and we have a couple different difficulties. Start at the easiest. This is dependent on, what was it, what you would want your dad to say to you. This is dependent. The different difficulties determine how great the effect of the cornhole throw is. Griffin, would you read the lines, please? I tried to touch one dude. Griffin, read what the tape says. Wait, stand in each one, though.

It's the beginner difficulty. It is, you'll get them next time, champ. And you will, buddy. And then there's good hustle out there. And then there's, that's my boy. And then there's one back by ball. This one's... I love you, son.

One of these days I'm going to hear it I'm looking forward to it still Even hearing you say it my brother There was a little bit of a chill yeah And I'll go ahead and say that the science dad's actually going to aid you here And he will give you one more bag You got three shots at this From which position

You choose depending on how great the effect is I'm trying to touch one torso Sounds like a limited effect You can start right there and you'll get them next time champ Start a good hustle Good hustle. We'll start a good hustle. Here we go. Arch is the back. I'm the only one who did not practice before we started.

It went off the back of the board. Here we go. I might step forward to the you'll get a next time champ. This sucks shit. We thought this was going to be fun and funny. It sucks shit to throw. I think they're having fun. Wait, wait, Griffin.

You already have one success. Try it from farther back. Go for three? Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. Whoa. So we're going from That's My Boy. I think that's my boy.

He arches, he shoots. The corner is overhanging. Jump, Griffin, jump. Don't stop, we can do this. That's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boy. And it's!

That's my boy! That's my boy. That's my boy. It kicks ass. It's great now. Okay, okay. I touched the torso super duper, duper good, I guess. You, all of you watching this see something truly bizarre happen.

As you threatened to go deadbeat, feeling the last of law, leave your body, that role was not just to touch the torso. Touching the torso was what prompted that role. That cornhole throw prevents you from losing your last law token. You do not go deadbeat in this moment. You do not go deadbeat in this moment. You see at the last second the science dad reaches into the lab code, pulls out some sort of beeping barometer made out of some scraps

of old rusted metal and plays it and an ancient recording of Teddy Roosevelt comes on saying, it is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, a way the doer of deeds could have done them better. and all of you watch Brickette

start to dissociate into sort of component fractal images and as that spectrometer goes off, you re-forge and steam rises off your body. You smell

like fresh cooked bacon. How is that? Oh, my boy. baseball games, but I was also at none of my boys' baseball games. You know, it's interesting. Disney actually put smells into the park. Did you know that? They used to use these devices called smell itters. Like if you're on the main street, you'll smell the delectable vapors of cooked confectionaries. Right. And they're just blasting those right in, no problem. Definitely, but am I dying?

in a way, we all are. Chip. Not Walt. We've talked about this. Not Walt. That's the one way to true eternal. No, I'm not a religious zealot. I just believe Disney was real. The science dad looks and says,

you just avoided a fate worse than death, Brickett. You've managed to maintain your cohesiveness within the space-time continuum. itself. Nice. This book, this lost artifact of what used to be the tribe of science dads

contains the formula for continuity obliterating recurrent neutrinos. Yeah. Okay. No, it's good. No, it's good. You're right. It's good. It's good. Continuity obliterating

recurrent neutrinos. Or, as we call, them corn holes. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't want to fall into a cornhole. Cornhole. Now, it is my understanding that certain temporal rifts, also known as cornholes.

Uh-huh. Go on. Have been opening throughout the Dadlands. It is, it is Brennan, it is humbling to do work with you. Yeah. Because listen, Justin and Griffin and dad and I say dumb shit all the time. Your dumb shit comes back around to smart shit. You cannot give me an idea so dumb that I won't say, that's cool. Dadlands rips.

Love Dadlands. The science dad looks and says continuity obliterating recurrent neutrinos were believed to be a theoretical particle. But something recently in the composition of the Dadlands, I don't know if you've heard or seen, but the hard-ass excursions are getting more dangerous, more deadly. They cut deeply into the car dadlands. Following the downfall of Sawberg and the destruction of the craft dads.

And when I find out who did that, they're going to ring their necks. Oh, boy. Damn, their eyes. Yeah. Hey, did anybody ever hear the total number of, fatalities. Just I'm asking now, did any, did they ever

have an official count? Yeah, actually, a lot of other dads texted me to let me know everyone who had died. To say, did you know them? You remember. Hey, did you go to school with if you get that text from our dad? Okay, I'll never do it again.

I'm sorry. But wait, what did you say the other day? Well, since I don't, it's going to more and I'd never find out who died. So now I need dad again because I don't have Twitter to tell me that Gallagher died. I missed it. He needs me.

A few of you just found out there. I'm very sorry about Gallagher. The science dad looks and says the losses in Sawburg were incalculable. Damn. No, I mean literally my birds never came back. I can't calculate how I don't know. I don't know. Do they have any

leads on who might have perpetrated this? heinous crime? Well, it was immediately following the day that I know that all four of you guys went there. Hey, so what else were the other words you wanted to say about different things? Oh, yes, this way. And you see, the science dad says, come to the computer room. God, it's a long walk to the computer.

Holy shit. A whole thing happened, you know, there was a weird Dr. Manhattan kind of thing that we were dealing with for a second. The science dad brings you into a glass chamber, arched blue, glass, you see a whole set of Hummel figurines. Oh, no. And you see a massive stone tower, a stone desktop PC, a large stone monitor, stone keyboard. Wait, the whole monitor is stone, Brennan, because how?

The, no, you know what? It's a very light quartz, so some faint, fuzzy image of the weirdest tilt to die. You know, I'm the ass all. You're right, Brad. Yeah. You're right. You see that the science dad takes the book, inserts it into sort of a massive onyx, like floppy disk drive.

The book disappears, and you hear noises of something chittering inside of this massive stone computer. The dad looks at the posted note with the password. He's written on it, so he'll remember stuck to the monitor. Got password. And that's made out of stone, too. It's just a very small sliver.

You see, yeah, the science dad says, if you guys want the Wi-Fi password, it's right up there. You see, he's clearly also done an incomprehensible string of random numbers and letters. No change to the factory settings whatsoever. Another dad mantra of, you can never be too careful. You can never be too careful. As he looks at it, yeah, you hear a strange scurrying

and chittering inside of the computer. It's the many, many viruses you have unintentionally downloaded. I have not downloaded viruses, Brickett. My computer is filled with lizards with calculators tied to them. Yep.

My mistake. The screen glows and strange shapes swim into focus. Lizard-based shapes, I am assuming. You can see it's clearly a swarm of geckos that are just crawling on the other side. It's basically just shadow puppetry with geckos. So

They're making little shapes and spell out words on the back of the courts. The best thing I've ever heard in my life. It's like a lizard-based etch-a-sketch essentially. Yeah. We've been seeing these increase in patrols for some time, and if you gaze at the screen here, you will see what I have fear has come to pass. You were able to save this book at the last possible moment

from a figure that has emerged within hard-ass country. a new patriarch and dad king of the hard asses. Can't Die Pete. Sorry, his name was Can't Die Pete. Can't Die, I believe, is the tiny guy. I think his name is Pete, but they call him Can't Die Pete. He's an ironic name, like when a small guy is called Big or a big guy's called Tiny. Yeah, is he extremely killable?

Just a Fabrizier egg. of Othello. Like the kid from Seeker Garden. Unfortunately, whether or not he is actually invincible and immortal, I cannot say, because killing people, it kind of, you know, except for me, it just happens one time.

So, you know, it's a small data set, essentially. All right. Okay. Wait, what did you just say? They killed somebody. We all have. It's tough out there. It's tough out there. And I've died a couple times. Anyway, the... I killed you.

Well, a couple times where I was me killing you? Oh, yeah. I remember. I remember. Right. Okay. Now you, yeah.

Yes, I remember. There was that time that I said that I thought Epcot was overrated. Yeah, right. That's all the parks. Yeah. You know, fun fact. Magic Kingdom is actually the most heavily traffic park,

yet it's the smallest. I saw it. It's really interesting. Now, but you have to admit, the fact about Disney World that no one does, there. That makes it mythical, right? Because people die everywhere. Yeah, but

that's not a fact. That's urban legend. It's important to separate facts from fiction when you're talking the this. You see, the science says, I believe that one of these cornholes may have opened under

this new imperial power growing within hard-ass country. Is he using its power to to keep dominion over them? I can only hope that's the limit of what he's doing. There are worse things you could do

with an active coronal. Like what? Oh, well that's... Name seven of them. You could restart a new and worse timeline. You could go back in time recumbently to create clones of yourself temporarily.

you could use it to go forward and steal future technology. You could make a friend and have a fun adventure where you get a sports almanac and do a bunch of betting. You could cornhole your way into the beginning of time and space and thereby stop creation and create a paradox that would extrude everyone past the event horizon of liminal possibility.

That's crazy. And then you could use it to fire big old rocks. One more. You could also use it to gaze into the past to answer questions of how the dadlands came to be. Instead of just saying, I don't know, ask your mom? As you say, ask your mom, the book once again glows from within the computer. And all of you watch the geckos on the other side of the screen swirl. And you see a face for a moment go,

Captain, Captain, reaching a message left from long, long, long ago. Max Headroom? I think it was Max Headroom. I caught that reference. Now please put it on the ground where it belongs. Are you sure your geckos are not sick back there? something happened to not only our world, but our timeline. The answer lies at the bottom of that cornhole.

Gross. You, the four of you, got to get up in that cornhole. Now, hold on. Wait a minute. You got to get up, you got to get deep in that cornhole, and you got to get those answers. All right. You know, from the moment that we called Brennan, and said, listen, we're going to put cornhole in this game.

We should have seen this coming. Well, yeah, he answered like, I love that because I'm a big old pervert. Listen, you see the science dad raises a finger. I know a lot of dads are scared about interacting with the cornhole. Don't let a toxic sense of masculinity prevent you. Don't let a toxic sense of masculinity prevent you. I've experimented with cornholes for years, and let me tell you, It's great.

It's great. It's for science. So what are we ordering for dinner, everyone? You see the science dad looks at you and says, for whatever, whether you wish to use the cornhole to get these answers, I leave to you. That's your decision. But I know that certainly it's enough of a reason to venture into hard-ass country

to stop these hard asses and can't die, Pete. with his army of lackeys from using this cornhole for their own wicked ends. The time has to come now. They almost got the book. They must be far along in their plans. Here, I'll give you what I can, and then the choice is yours. These are tools that I think would work best against hard asses. And you see, he goes and gets four Aloha shirts on hangers.

if you wear these hard asses won't be able to see you these cloaking devices will be able to protect you for a time unless you make noise or otherwise make your position known and then he hands you something sort of wrapped in oil-stained canvas and you see it has a bunch of bindings and belts tied around it you see he hands it to you and says this is a secret weapon I dare not even tell you what it is but I know that this will if need is great, this will do tremendous damage to any hard asses that come in contact with it.

But be careful, don't open it unless it is a dire emergency and hands the parcel to you. Immediately open it. No, no, no. No. Okay. Wait a minute. At least can you tell us which of the four would be able to put this to most use? I don't know why I held that S.

I think time's getting weird and distorted around the book, the whole, this ghost man that we are all apparently just going to move on past his spectral admission. What if I told you I was not a ghost because of death, but I was a ghost because of time? Okay. No, man, that's cool. You have to admit that's kind of cool.

You have to admit that's kind of cool. You have to admit. We can talk about this later. I got work in the morning. Everyone comes here and they get my science stuff and I have no other science dads to talk to about my science stuff. I love science stuff.

Are you like workshoping like some new like Y.A. fiction stuff that you're trying to. You say YA fiction and the gecko's shift on the screen on a voice command. And you see they bring up little Pady Poppins and the

and the abracadabrical formula. He says, no, my manuscript! And he goes to... Listen, that's private. I'm workshopping it. My brain begins to splinter again as I go, what is your fiction? Adults only come in one variety, not y'all.

This show is adults only. Now, listen. Wait, wait, and I asked. A legitimate question. Yeah, but I didn't care about the answer. It may be a hint. The science dad looks at you and says, the weapon is elementally aligned with chaos.

If you were to touch the weapon red, it may be a heroic act because the weapon may harm you as well. Brandon, don't tell them that, man. If you tell him that, man, he's got, really? So I can't. I can't touch it. Unless you want it to be like really heroic. Yeah.

And you're like, dad might just throw it in the garbage. And have a big heroic moment and save the day to be a hero? Now, listen, I said that this wasn't ready yet. But I think the one thing, a minivan, two in line with hard-ass dads. And I think what we're going to need is a cool car. Now, I should clarify, it is a coop. So someone's going to need to sit on somebody's lap and someone will be in the trunk. and a 1963

Corvette pulls up outside Does it though? He can't just say that Make him do a chip thing Or a beanbag thing. Let's do a little cornhole throw here. Let's do a little cornhole throw. Now I'm going to say this.

I'm going to say this. You are actively summoning a car and you are Guy Ferrari. We're going to go ahead and we're going to do four bags. Travis, the further back you go, the sweeter this fucking ride will be, man. And the more wheels it has.

One, one, two, three. Travis is going for level three, that's my boy. We're doing, that's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boy. That's my boy. It sucks, right? He missed the board completely on two.

Shit. Okay. To level two. He moved up a line. Good. Hove's up a line. Oh, just short, just short. Here we go, here we go, here we go.

I'm the ball. You'll get a next time chance. Okay, swing, bad-da-bada. Now, Dad, what? There's no amount of stomping that's going to. What does this mean? Outside. You do not need to sacrifice a token here.

Outside. Boop-loop. You turn and see a beautiful 63. coop, roaring in flame. I said it wasn't ready. With a sticky note on the side that says this was 0.05 centimeters over the property line.

Can't Die Pete. What? Was can't I be the neighbor? The neighbor goes, keep it on your side of the property. And explodes in flame as a jetpack Explos on his bag You'll never make it to hard-ass country See in hell, you goofy deadbeat dad

And that's where we're going to take our break Jay Keith, do you know what I love more than the trivia, comedy, and celebrity guests on our podcast go fact yourself? No, what, Ellen? Sharing all of those things with an actual audience. Yes, well, lucky for you, go fact yourself is back to being a live audience show. Woohoo! Yeah, we've got a free recording coming up on January 15th in Los Angeles and February 11th in Pasadena. And if you can't make it there, all of our recordings will still be available as a podcast,

twice a month, every month on maximum fun.org. Yeah, no excuses. So if you're not listening, you can go fact yourself. Hey there, it's Annabelle Gerwidge. And I'm Laura House. We host Tiny victories, the 15-minute podcast that's about the little things. Getting into the tiny victory frame of mine is about recognizing minor accomplishments and fleeting joys. Isn't it a wonderful day when the first password you try actually works? When it's freezing cold outside and toasty as I'll get out in my shower, my tiny victory is that I turn off the water and get on with my day. We can't change this big, dumb world, but we can celebrate the tiny wins. So join us on maximum fun or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Let's get tiny! Weave, weaver. Hallelujah! You are healed! The ghastly orange glow of flame, casting broad shadows from our four dads as Guy Ferrari's coop smolders and flickers. Yvette.

Yvette the Corvette is no more. I have a big like skewer of Bratworths and I'm like, oh, it would be a shame to not utilize this. It's what she would have wanted. Thank you, yes. I start sprinting towards the fire to cook these

gorgeous beer brats on there. You're going to want to turn those. I love. look back at you with a look of disgust and hatred. I'm going through some shit. I forgive you. I'll take my medium well. You know, well done.

Let's go wild. You'll take yours how I damn well serve it up to you. And you run like a sissy. No, man. Listen, even for the Dadlands, we're bigger than that.

Everyone go ahead. I'm going to ask everyone to pull a token right now. And let me know whether you got law or chaos. Or order. Chaos. I got to unzip my bag. Chaos.

Chaos. Chaos. Chaos. I've got one chaos ship on my bag. Law. In the depths of your sorrow, Guy Ferrari, you see harsh words bandied back and forth. Brackette.

sniping back at Chip Hugginsby, red criticizing, you feel the flickering of chaos amongst your crew and know that this chaos thrives in the advance of the marching order of hard asses. Now is the time where you must act. You cannot fracture here.

We need to get an early start. I look at Guy and I take a beat and a single tear starts to roll down my cheek. But I do need to ask, could someone else drive? Oh no. Oh, he is really in bad shape. Yeah?

I mean, what is a car? But a grill with a steering wheel and pedals and an engine and some belts and some belts and liquid gasoline. But you're going to have to sit shotgun with him because you do get car sick. You can't breathe facets of my character into being without my explicit consent. I was talking to him.

Oh, okay. I don't. Hey, you're thinking of someone else. This is good stuff. You see the science dad steps in and says, but perhaps in another timeline. You, I swear to God, you are making me want to take a nap where I stand. Look, I'm going to come in and I'm going to talk about the stuff I like, okay?

And I like timelines. You see the van. You see the van? Did I come to your glass tower with a book and ask you, oh, what's happened? Is your mustache all right? Got more mustache lice? You motherfuckers.

Roll up out of the goddamn desert with a book and you say, hey, can I help? No, and I don't bother you at all, all right? I'm out here training lizards. That's what I do all day. You see the van is starting to pull out as Chip Hugginsby. It's just sort of starting to back out. He's moving. Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

And finding lizard treats in the post-apocalypse is challenging. Oh, hold on. I might be able to help you with that. and I reach into my bag and I pull out just a porterhouse steak. Raw? No.

I grilled it this morning. A somehow still sizzling hot porterhouse steak comes out of a thermally sealed compartment in your apron. Yeah, his bag is like one of those DoorDash bags or the aluminum foil inside. It's funny, actually, that you say that.

A lot of people think it's in the, apron. It is embedded in my torso. It's just a little like ready rack right there. It's like a crank situation, but for sakes. The science says, well, that's horrifying and fascinating, and I want to talk to you about it later. But you are right. An early start is needed. The cornhole awaits in the lands of the hard asses. I wish you all the best. And you see, as the sun begins to rise, a single beam of light enters the tower, and you hear

and he goes, my lizards! And runs inside. No. That man has destroyed more animals with fire than I could hope to in a thousand lifetimes. We have our squabbles, yes, but we

are two swords of flame, just sharpening one each other. Bucking's head is pounding on the steering wheel, and the horn is, huh, cock, cock, he rolls down the window. Get in a shotgun.

Get in losers. We're going shopping. For death. And with that, our four dads take once again to the wastelands headed for a hard-ass country. Everybody's trapped in.

Got seatbelt turned on. Does anyone need to go party because we're not going to turn this around? All right. So we're on the road. Where do we come? I look at, Coach Ruff Red Ruff and Soar.

Did you hear the question? Do you or do you need to party before we hit out? Yeah. All right. It's okay. But just say it now and not five minutes after we pull out. Have fun in the glass bathroom. How fucking embarrassing that Coach Red Ruff and Sour has to go back inside of the

Science Tower. Oh, oh. I thought you were asking me. You were asking if my character needs to go to the bathroom. Okay. All right. Smash cut. Smash cut.

Sun rising. Hard ass country. Stern chain link fences. Mean looking dogs covered in the waste of the desert. You see telltale signs of hard ass patrols. You see the ruined bones of dads. What? who would not submit to the order of hard asses.

You see their skulls mounted on pikes. Damn, Brennan. We're all trying to have a fun time with friends. This is a mixture of Mad Max and Dad stuff. Dad Max. Mad Dad. Mad Dad. Mad Dad. Damn, I can't believe we didn't call this thing Dad Max.

That sucks. It's way too late. It's way too late to name it that now. Remember Dadlands, though? I think we were all very excited about that name, Justin McQuarran original creation. I would like to, in an effort to try and pass through the Dadlands with this sort of deadbeat cloaking technology

that we attempted and failed so just traumatically before the intermission. I would like to attach just some grills onto the side of the car to just sort of produce a badass flame decal on the side of this grand caravan that we're driving in. It is wood-sided, so be careful. Amazing. So you're going to go ahead and try to use some deadbeat technology to cloak the vehicle.

I'm going to ask for a two-chip chaos pull to get that done. Okay. That's two chaos. Two chaos. Wow. Can I also say, for those listening at home, one of the side effects of this method is the dead-eyed stare that comes over the-

We root around on our groin area. Yeah, at least you stayed seated. Yes, that's true. Huge flames lick out from grills attached to the side of this minivan. A true war wagon of the desert dadlands. Flames rushed to the side. And I just have two half racks of pork ribs out of each window,

just like getting a good color on them. incredible. You surge forward. I'm going to ask Chip Hugginsby for a pull here as well. As you are moving through the space because we have guy riding shotgun, briquette driving, red. You've got this sort of parcel up done in the back. And Chip, I want a pull from you. We're going to call this. I want to see if you can pull one order chip for me. Looking for law. Let's see. This is the quietest. A room filled with this many people has ever, ever been. There you go.

He didn't even look. No, I mean, none of us, you know that none of us are looking, right? It's like a rule of the game. You're not supposed to look. Oh, okay. Should it be a rule of the game that you're not allowed to look? You just assume you got it right? Yeah.

That is a very bad thing. It's canon. Chip, as you approach, though the vehicle is disguised, you see the horrifying project unfolding as you approach the capital of hard-ass country, the seat of Can't Die Pete and his army of hard-asses, a structure that begins to fill your heart with a sense of panicked madness. Towering towards the sky are massive, of burnt wood. The recovered bones of Sawburg have been brought here to hard-ass country. And you see defying logic or reason, catching it at an early distance so that you can see it

before you are indeed under it. A massive roof being built to block out the entire landscape. And you begin to see posters of a skull-faced hard-ass father pointing out, and saying, while you're under my roof, you follow my rules. Fair. Yeah. And on that pull,

I will say one other thing, Chip Hugginsby, something stirs deep in your heart. You look at the landscape, hard-ass architecture, bleach, white, bony, brutalist buildings. But the landscape,

There's something familiar here. I look around and I notice that every trash can within 30 steps of me. And I know if there's a trash can within 30 steps, no matter where I am, it's got to be Disney World. In this moment, you see what you can only assume is sort of the beating heart of this hard-ass metropolis. You see various sort of posters with stern figures. You see there appears to be sort of giant propagandistic posters. There's one of a massive figure that has two hooked hands with the name Imperator Kister Osteel. It says with just a giant block letter sign that just says, knock it off.

In the center you see there's the most buildings possible, but you also see the city, there's some sort of stony ridge towards the back which has sort of ancient. carvings in it as well. You're cloaked for the moment, so you see the hard ass is patrolling the streets. You see that they have bright red polo shirts that are tucked into khaki shorts that are just so high, just so high up over the belly button, and the bottom of the shorts is like right where the nuts are. It's like all the way up. And then just the thickest white crew socks all the way up to the knee. and then thick white tennis shoes, hairy forearms,

and the watch is so thick. It's amazing they can even lift there. They're just so everything's just so. Let him process this. They're bad dads. Yeah, for sure. You say that like it's a bad thing. They patrol, but with your deadbeat cloaking technology,

you move without being seen. Where do you venture here in the heart and hardass? country. Well, where's the best parking? I'm looking for that free spot, you know what I mean? Without something on either side. Yeah, free spot, there's no meter.

In the center of the ruins of old Disney world. Yes. Go ahead and give me a pull. One pull for order. Finding the best parking spot. All right. That's a law token.

You find what you feel to be the best spot. You see that there's a great spot that you can back right into. It's Friday alternate side of the street parking. Did you lose your fucking keys down? You pull the car into this spot. You see that the street signs

here are absolutely ludicrous. You see there's like barbed wire and crossed spears behind them. And then just this intense thing of like Sunday from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Only permit side of the street designated from this side of the, and just You see, and everything has that weird little fedora-wearing neighborhood watch guy on it.

We're suspicious. You find parking there. You see several paths going from this place. There is one path that leads up onto a rampart headed towards this massive rusting tower of burnt wooden scorched parts at the center. You get the feeling that that might be the sort of the actual like, you know, imperatorial. or can't die Pete, although that power structure might be there. But you see behind you as well, I think Chip, you notice this too, that there are some cordoned off caves in this rock wall

that have some archaeological signs of older structures underneath them. And you see that some of those doors that are sealed off have symbols on them. You see one symbol of a baseball mitt and a ball going towards it. You see another of beautiful picnic table laden with brats and hot dogs. You see another one of happy, looks like multiple people. Are they all dads? You can't quite be sure. But they're all singing in a car together.

Musical notes carved into the rock. And you see one with a circle and two other smaller circles. The Olympics. Towards the end, they canceled peace and dignity. So it's just the three circles, the symbolic circles that remain. Endurance, sportsmanship, timing. Gatorade. Gatorade.

That's what fills in the circles. Well, that doesn't look like anything. Let's go. Wait, now, hold on. Now, Chip, Chip walks down to the, So there's one door that has... Wait, I put it on the Aloha shirt. Yeah, yeah, we all put those on.

Yeah, nice try trying to... Classic DM trick, trying to trick us. I go to the Mickey door, and I take the book we got, and I just rub it off the door. And I think it's something like this. And this is why we keep you around. Our puzzle guy, Chip Hugginsby. I never in a million years, man.

That is some real lateral stuff. As you rub the book on the door, the book and door glows and the door creaks open. You have solved my Disney door puzzle. Wait, hold on. Chip, rub the book on our doors, too. I'm already inside. I take the secret weapon that's wrapped up and put it in the bowling ball bag. So I don't have to actually.

Okay, I rub it on my door. I don't know why dad is milking this. No, you get a se your weapon in that bowling ball bag. You head to your door as well. As the book glows, you see that all of them open. I'm going to need everyone here to give me a poll, and I want to see a chaos chip, if you can. It's going to be hard to do.

And I'm not supposed to look. No. Shit! All right. None of you lose those tokens. But as Chip disappears down the Disney door... That was me, Dad, and Griffin all got law. Justin got a chaos.

Travis is the only one making this listenable in the future. Thank you, Travis. You see that just inside each door, all three of you see that just past the door is an amazing, like, perfectly worn just the right amount. Bark a lounger. There's a reclining chair, and you can just all tell it's the good chair inside each one. How much longer are we having the live show? Am I Sorry, do I see the...

You see this as well But I want to As the three of you See these chairs It's muscle memory I walk towards it Already like getting my little haunch going I need to know, wait

What's going on with me? You see it And with your pull of a chaos token You realize Only a moment too late That it's trapped The three of you Take a seat

And all of you Same one big chair or three? Three separate chairs. Three separate chairs. You all take a C and all of you hear in automated. Nice try, buddy. Nice try, buddy. Nice try, and alarms go off and you hear the thumping feet of hard asses.

However, Chip, you having not sat in that sea, you do see that deeper into the caverns, you smell like dust and fresh air. Whatever you did to open these doors has opened doors in all. all four chambers further in. You hear people pursuing you, do you continue further into the cavern? Are we in separate chambers? At this point, you were all just taking a look inside,

but now you've all walked into separate chambers. Further in, or do you go back out to face the hard asses? Well, you see, Brennan, life is a highway. Yeah. And I want to ride it all night long. So I head deeper into the car dead work. I thought you were just asking Justin. Oh, no. Just the chairs were traps.

These were security measures set up, knowing that a dad could not resist sitting in one. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we had been restrained to these chairs. No, no, no, no. It's an alarm system. You sat in them. They know you're here. You may continue further. I mean, the alarm's already going. I'm going to enjoy myself. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it has come at such tremendous cost. I must extract every moment of this sweet relaxation. You get every moment you can. I'm going to run over here to Chip. Chip, you surge further in.

You see them. Signs, ancient rails of what could have been roller coasters, fractured plastic of what might have been a spinning teacup. You look around and you begin to feel them. You begin to feel the presence of continuity obliterating recurrent new. What I say? Continuity obliterating recurrent. neutrinos. You push forward. You begin to see that these caverns have an ancient technology

coming to life around them, almost like this is a living, breathing piece of some ancient spacecraft from some energy source you can't possibly recognize. And as it starts to light up, you see and hear other visions of other lives you could have led. And, you arrive at a chamber that sort of sputters into holographic life and there is a humanoid figure composed of sort of fractal ones and zeros holographically who looks at you and you get the sensation in this chamber that this is once again some sort of test or puzzle the figure floats and goes They're so, so tired. They're so, so tired. Do we really need to drive 45 minutes to see the world's biggest kaleidoscope?

I start, like, rubbing the book on the figure, just sort of waving it through, like back and forth. That's my one move I have. I feel like this is something. Great. Give me a chip pole. We need a chaos token.

Okay. Good work. Ooh, that's a blue. That's a law token. So you rub the book on a, you rub the book on a hologram, and there's no, it just sort of, it's a lightsaber?

Okay, I turn the book upside down and try again. With cornhole. Let's do it. Here we go. How many bags, Brandon? So I'm going to say, unless you can tie this into vacation dadding somehow, it's going to be one bag, unless you can fun-factor way to three. I think it's obvious to everybody to an extent where I don't even need to dignify that with an answer. So just two then?

Just the two or how many? Yeah. We'll do, you know, I can't like the hustle. You can get two. I'm going to try at the second. Go bigger, go home, baby. Or go small. Or go small and go home.

I'm going to try from that. That's my boy. Here we go. Okay. Here's the first bean bag. Marching to the air. Oh. Off the right hand corner.

Here's the second one. We missed the board all together. He clipped it. I don't need that. I don't need that. I don't deserve it. Chip. You.

feel yourself being extruded through time and space. Which is the worst way to go through time and space. You don't want to be extruded. No. You hear voices, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. We're, we don't want, the world's largest kaleidoscope sucks. You can't recognize these voices.

You don't know what they mean. You don't know what they are. But something is saying that it wouldn't be cool to go to the world's largest kaleidoscope. I know it's sex, but it's in a fun way. And it's important to me as a kid. Just look at how the there's lots of different reds. Lights go dark, and the last thing you feel

are the hands of hard asses grabbing you and pulling you out of the chamber. We're going to move to briquette. Hey. So in your Barker-Longer, you're at the beginning of your chamber, you hear hard ass is approaching you. All right, God damn. I dump out a grill like behind me as I run towards the cavern.

You dump out a grill, hot coals sort of scatter across. You can buy yourself a little bit of time. You run ever deeper into the cavern. You arrive at a similar holographic chamber. Strange figures made of these binary pieces of code floating in three-dimensional space. A light. Oh, yeah.

I'm just saying, this looks fucking awesome. A holographic flame appears in front of you. I try to cook a real hot dog on it. You go for a real hot dog, and what you pull out of that, right of your normal sort of storage. My chest cavity. Your chest cavity.

The room reanimates and recodes those. and you see you are holding zucchini's. Well, not impossible to grill. Not impossible to grill, but you hear a voice saying to you, please, I would consider it a favor. Could you just, I would consider it a favor. If you would just make some grilled veggies for our friends, friends, friends, friends. Our fronds?

Our fronds? Are there no more friends? Yeah, wait, I'm confused. Dads can be friends, can't they? Well, it kind of seems like you don't think so. Well, there's chondler and phobie. Yeah, sure. I take a look at it and try to get excited about it,

and I'm going to close my eyes and enter a deep, sort of interior grilling, meditative state where I can sort of project the image of this zucchini is actually sort of a large, sort of lumpy hot dog. Just a sort of mental projection, so I don't have to confront the fact

that I am grilling a non-meat-based product. All right. Let's see some cornhole. Let's do three. Here we go. To the air. Oh, so growl. Yeah, it was all on the board, but not in the hole. Just to the right. Here's the next one.

Oh, to the left. A little too much mustard. And he's moved. Up to second distance. Oh! He stomping, but he did not get at. Did not work, no. You go to a deep, internal place.

Zucchini's just a type of meat. If you really think about it, what is a plant, if not an animal? An animal. If you really... A ground animal from sun and water. A grand animal from sun and water. It doesn't scream when you cook it.

You go deep internally, and the only thing that could drag you out of your meditative state is being thrown to the floor by the hard asses that surround you suddenly in this moment. We're going to cut from you. We're going to go to Guy Ferrari. Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Guy, you go deep into the cavern. Ancient technology, illuminating, thrumming to life in the presence of the book. You arrive, and in the holographic chamber, there is a physical seat, and a car forms around it. You feel the humming of an engine and movement, but try, though you might, the roots that appear in front of you, are unlawful. You are unfamiliar. You are lost.

You feel a tapping on your shoulder. And up ahead, you see a local waving and smiling. Someone from the area. Oh. They wave. See, your plates are out of state. Yeah. I've never seen someone do their own.

sort of gain mixing live. I've never seen somebody tweaked down an interior fader before. That was incredible. Thank you. Guy, what do you do? Well, of course, immediate reaction.

I want to ignore them, but but right now, Guy's in his own deep, dark forest of the soul. and doesn't know his way out and thinks about the moment of asking someone for help and having someone else drive the car

and how it ate, thank you, how it enabled him to move forward and against seemingly his own will, he pulls over to ask for directions. Same, three bags, go for it. I even left my own bags on the board for you as a sort of homing. Oh, okay.

Okay, that's... If they got it, you realize if you hit either of my bags which were flanking the hole, it was not going to go into the hole in the first place. Okay. First position, huh?

Here's the first one. He's coming from the first line. You have failed before. This looks like a five iron. Oh, right on the edge of the hole. That's a stompter right there. Yes. First one was a dangler.

Second world cleared the rim. I got it, but I'm going to go again. Here we go. Here we go. He's going from the third. No, Travis, Chavez. Oh, my God. We're going all the way to I love you, son.

He's all the way and I love you, son. No, wait, hold on. People in the front three rows. I want you to practice hands sort of boxing around your face and then chopping any object that may come at you violently. My brother, my brother, he's not liable for any. Oh, my God. It was very close.

And almost locked the first one in. It's okay, you already got one. Nice. Incredible. All right. That was really, that was so close. It was so close. You stop.

Better than a ritz. You stop. You roll down your window. You hear new, powerful, crystal computational engines and the structures around you. Timeline convergence readministered. New continuity discovered.

You roll down the window and the figure leans over. How you doing there, mister? It looks like you're looking for your way out. I guess. If you say so, it's all right. Here's what you're going to do. Don't tell anyone about this.

This dies with us. you hear go straight until you get to Tom Rowland's house not his new one his old one and you're gonna bear I keep going past the old Kellogg's Ridge

then cut through the access road where they do the flea market on Sundays yeah not the one on Saturday I get it and you realize that you do know these references somehow and know these things

and the voice a voice from the direction from when you felt a hand on your shoulder just says, thank you. We're going to cut to red rough and sore. Yeah, we added lore to the Dadlance. We added lots of lore.

Lots of lore. Red. You are in your cavern as well. Moving further in, you see the holographic chamber lights up. Plasma screen. O-L-E-D. The game is just getting started.

You hear the whistle blow? Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. A, do you hear that sound? That was the sound of the audience asking for their money back. Come on. Now listen.

I know that that's not the only whistle that you have on your body. You looked at on your special old man hearing aid. Mac. Thank you, Mac. Mac, I swaned to John if you pull another. No. No. No. No. Matt, nodded to the microphone.

Good. I'll make you eat it. Brandon, this one's on you man. When you fart your whistle, I swear to God, don't pull another one out. You will eat it. Incredible. Is that incredible? That of all the things that have happened on stage tonight.

I say it's extremely credible. The comfort. you feel, the game begins, and the player on the team that you said was underrated and that all your friends told you they were a hack. You see they score a touchdown in the first minute of the game. Wow. You prove you right. And they're on your fantasy team. And they're on your fantasy team. You hear a voice behind you. Red, red. It's Sunday night. Tomorrow's the work week. You said you were going to clean the gutters this weekend. How many bags? You got to respond first.

You gotta do something. Who are you? A good start. You realize you don't know who this voice is. Something is strange. You can feel them floating around the same molecular forces that were in the Tower of the Science Dad. They're here as well. Something strange.

You feel like you've... known this in another life or another time. Yeah, that didn't help. No, I'm, no, I'm watching the game. Hell with your gutters. Okay. Now, you saw what I did, right? You were also in the room when I did a thing, right? No, I'm in a different room.

He is in a different room, Travis. Respect the fiction. Go ahead and I'm going to ask for, for a cornhole throw, one bag. One bag. Whoa. One bag. Wait, get that stomper off of there,

or else there could be a mixed... Jesus Christ. Thank God for the placement of the fanny bag. All right, Mac. No, it's not a slam dunk. Okay. Where is this man going to think he can... Y'all, this is going to be

a whiff to remember Huberous, thy name is Clint. He is three levels back. All right, this is all the way from, That's My Boy. He has changed his digital fanny pack to a baseball animation. Dad has not practice.

Wait, can we place a side bet on whether or not it hits the board? I think he's going to ace it. All right, let's see it. Here we go. It's a swish. That's my boy. That's my boy.

What play is he going to go with? Slid right off the top, so close. The voice dissipates. You continue to watch the game, and the game is incredible. First, second, third quarter, end of the fourth quarter, and four. Why, two?

That's like all of them. Tell me there's overtime, Brandon. Right before the, right before the kick in overtime, right as you're about to see whether they win or not. You piss your pants. The club of a hard ass connects with the back of your head, and you go unconscious. Guy. Yeah.

You and you alone see the final door open, revealing a chamber there in the middle of a helix in one of the ancient laboratories at the heart of Disney World. The home of the imaginers? A glass column of pure imaginering. fluid. That's what they use. Yeah. It's canon. You said it. Yes.

You know, make them up sauce. Worse. A big tube of ketchup. A big tube of transparent ketchup. You see you see pulsating, rhythmically, throbbing.

Two more. undulating. Uh-huh, one more. Nasty. A perfect quantum non-Euclidean cornhole. I stick my arm in an elbow deep. You rush forward to stick your hand into the cornhole as fast as you can. And halfway there, you hear, not so fast, buddy.

You're not that guy. You're not that guy. That guy. It says it on my jumps. Behind you in another entryway are hard asses with all three of your friends. All of you come back to consciousness, but feel yourself surrounded by spears and clubs and makeshift weaponry. All of you feel the sort of horrifying, sneering presence of these hard ass dads. No joy, no love.

All of them committed to building an endless roof to rule the dadlands forever. Can't die Pete. standing there, not at this moment dead, says, you take one more step towards that cornhole Ferrari, and I'll slit your friend's throats right in front of you. Don't do it, Ferrari. He's bluffing. No, no, I really don't want to get my throat slit.

That sounds shitty. Yeah, it sounds terrible. Yes, but you're forgetting one thing. What's that? Not you. What's that? I can't I pee. I can't I pee. Oh, right.

You forgetting one thing. What did he forget? Let him ask. What did I forget? You left the front door open. And we're not paying to air condition the whole neighborhood. Man, you've got to give him respect. I will let you pull as many chaos tokens as you want.

do it the same way we did in the last show. So two chaos tokens does it. If you pull any law tokens, you can keep going, but you immediately burn those law tokens. And if you pull three, it's explosive success. Here we go. First is, wait, you pull the law and a chaos. Did you mean to do that?

Okay. All right. Law and chaos. You can pull another one. Could be burning one of your few law tokens. If it's a chaos token, it's a success. Oh, my God. It's another law token.

How many law tokens do you have left? One. You can choose. Statistically! This would be... Oh, great. Oh, it's chaos. It's chaos.

Yes! But wait, hold on, wait. Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, wait, wait. He could keep drawing. Yeah, baby, what could go wrong? That's law. Actually, it went wrong. You have gone...

You have... I'm so travis... Wait, I'm gonna try to assist him. Wait. No. No. I got one more thing I can throw and I reach into the bag and I toss it to him. He's pure chaos energy and there's one secret weapon.

Okay, you're standing next to Red. Red's got a secret weapon. It was told you pure chaos energy as the last of the law energy. I'm open. Wait! Wait! Hold it by the lysis. There we go.

Wait, stop. Free Spring. May I add one last rule to the. the Dadlands Cannon. Yes, yes, you may. They have to play catch. Okay. You're gonna throw.

No, just one, one bag, one throw. All right, so Clint, you're gonna throw. If Guy catches it, if Red throws it and Guy catches it, that's a success, all right? Yep, here we go. God, this is gonna please fuck this up. Please. Here we go. Here we go.

I mean... That's a catch! Yeah, okay. Just for everybody else on stage, though, you did just throw a beanbag to another adult man 10 feet away. No, no, no. We can't dissect the mechanics. What we witnessed tonight was a miracle,

and everybody here knows it. And everybody here knows it. What's in the bag? What's in the bag? What's in the bag? So, so, perfect law, perfect chaos. You feel... the energy leaving your body, and then you realize energy can be neither created nor destroyed. It can only be changed.

And as you become one aspect, Red becomes the other. You are united. The dad frequency harmonizes. The bag travels through the air. You do not lose your law tokens. You catch the weapon as Red throws it. You unravel and gleaming in your hand, you see a very small plastic trophy. that says A for effort.

The most chaotic of trophies. Every single hard ass in the room goes, Participation Award! And immediately dies. Dead instantly. Wait. Even can't die, Pete? I didn't think this was possible.

Oh, when you believe anything's possible. Anyways, I get elbow deep in a cornhole. You get elbow deep in a cornhole. You all feel the energy thrumming throughout the room. You found there were seven things that cornholes could do. In this moment, thinking that if you believe anything is possible, and here in the ruins of Disney World, you know Chip Hugginsby is right. What do you reach for all up in that cornhole?

you have 30 minutes to think of your answer I reach I reach having lost a vet for the new love of my life you reach for the new love of your life you feel it you go in and as you go in you go up and you find

quantum untangling new timelines new continuities the message from the message from science dad's computer. The love of your life, love. That's what, something you've forgotten. That's what dads need.

There's something dads need. Other dads, other moms, other partners. Throughout time and space, you were never supposed to be alone. You hear, this message to the dadlands, message of the dadlands, a screen glows in front of you. You see the glistening deck of a starship. And for the first time, all of you, your mind reels as you look up and see someone looking back at you. And she says, this is Captain Miriamalthia of the Ursa Major,

mothership of the Meritorious Alliance of Maternal Astrospace. Do you read me? Do you read me? Dadlands, we're on our way. And you see a crew of mothers aboard a starship say, from here to maternity. comedy and culture artist-owned audience supported