The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Dadlands 4: Don’t Cry Uncle

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

The Dads are back! Brickett, Guy, Red, and Chip must make their way through conceptual reality and fight the four evil Uncles in order to defeat Walton Goggins and bring back the concept of FAMLEE.Addition music in this episode: "Line of Fire", "ChecksForFree", "Heading West" and "Dirt Road Traveller" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/.Immigrant Defenders Law Center: https://www.immdef.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

I never get tired of it, honestly. I never get tired of it. We had a hundred seconds of music to get to our chairs, and Dad somehow still missed it. Didn't quite make it. Hello everyone, and welcome to the Adventure Zone in Dadlands Part 4. That's why Justin was in my seat.

It felt wrong, didn't it? Everything, oh my God, that's so much better. I'll be your Travis McRoy tonight. Do you guys want to see your names? I switch seats, so I'm actually not sure. anymore which one I am. My name's Justin McElroy. I'm the oldest brother. Hi. I'm Clint McElroy. I have nothing cute to say. I'm Griffin McRoy and this mustache ain't making it to act a two. And let's turn it over to our game mom for this evening, Brennan Lee Mulligan. Now clearly most of you don't know who

Brennan is, but we should have done his intro first to build him up a bit. A privilege, a pleasure, an honor and a joy to join for the fourth installment of the dadlands and the first installment of the dadlands in which every member of the dadlands is currently a dad!

Except for me. Sorry, sorry, when you become a grandfather dad, you don't stop being our dad. You know that, right? It kind of felt like it. That explains so much. He abdicated that

long. time ago. I was raised by the TV. I remember dad taught me how to shave and then he was like actually that's it. I'm out. See ya. That's all I got. You're on your own from here on help.

It gives me so much pride and I'm so in awe and filled with admiration because this is the first show I'm doing where I am so tired all the time. That's the secret sauce.

And speaking of secret sauce, I think we'll start with our sauciest of dads. Griffin, who are you playing tonight? Thank you, Brennan. Tonight I'll be portraying Brickett Hoggins. Just quick rundown. Used to own a barbecue joint in the Waco Wasteland with my partner, Walton Guggins, but he cheated me out of the business. He also somehow stole my smoked prosciutto wizard's familiar chokie from me.

quite sure how we manage that, but I do get sent mystic visions through the smoke of the forbidden meats. To be fair, I didn't know you and Chokey were exclusive. Yeah, I did apparently not, man. Hey, we asked this last time we did this. Who has never heard a dad Lance before? Less than last time. That's great. Such a relief. God. Tonight I will be playing, I'm Guy Ferrari. I'm a car dad who has touched the energy of chaos a lot in the last three episodes come very near to deadbeat dad's status quite a few times

I like to drive one mile over the speed limit I'm coach red ruffin-sore I'm a sports dad and I have no fascinating backstory because apparently we've been developing these jokers more than they've been developing me although

I have had the single greatest highlight. There he goes. Of any dad layers. There's a level of meta truth to Dad's character now because the last time we played this game,

he made a really impressive throw of a ball into a small hole. And yeah, but the audience lost their fucking gourds and now he's like this. And Dad has been talking.

He dropped that ball backstage five minutes ago. Yeah, like the great band Vino dad has been talking. give himself up like, well, it doesn't even really matter what I would choose to do because I'm going to sink everyone, right, guys? It is the most sports dad thing to have one good moment you have and

and dine out on it forever. We live forever on that moment. Dad dropped that ball backstage in the dark and it rolled under some risers. And we had to have Jack, who's working on this show with us, go down hands and knees to find Dad's special ball before we could come out on stage. And I'm Chip Hugginsby.

I'm a Disney dad. And today I actually got to go to, well, I went to downtown Disney. That's all right. I got to see the back of Batu. The incredible back of the rocks of Batu. Without further. Weave. Don't do. Travis, dang it.

Commencing to Wee. Now, can I say, no, hold on. I re-listened to the third episode of Dadlands. And the part where Travis yelled at Britain and told him to weave, me such bad washaw, and I don't want to repeat that. So Travis, do a nicer one that we can have in the permanent edit. Okay. Hey, Brennan. Yes, Travis.

Could you please leave? It'd be my pleasure. Thank you. Thanks, bitch. Now, please, no. Come in sync to weave! Previously on the Dadlands. Beho a ruined waste of red rock bleached beneath the sun

beating down on the post-apocalyptic eternity, ruined and ravaged, a land of only dads. Scientists from far dimensions considering what need have arisen to produce an entire civilization where everyone is a dad and nobody is any other kind of thing. Surely the scientists of a far-flung dimension posited. Surely the dads themselves are at least brothers, right? No, only dads! But surely a dad is the son of nosebleed, scientist, dead,

Eldridge horror. You cannot comprehend the daddness of the dadlands. And yet some have, for at the beginning of our tale, four dads of four different dad tribes came together. Brickette Huggins of the grilled dads, Ferrari of the car dads, red Ruffinsor of the sports dads, and Chip Hugginsby of the Disney dads were brought together in front of the great screen to retrieve the remote from the villainous craft dads of Saaberg. Retrieve it, they did. That was episode one. Episode two, they returned to

their friend and pal the science dad in his tower of glass with his satellites made of birds with disposable cameras tied to them, and were able to, in their adventures in the lands of the hard asses retrieve the formula for continuity obliterating recurrent neutrinos and the holes in space and time that they were capable of creating the

cornholes traveling through their first cornhole. They were swept up by the mothership of the maternal alliance of what the fuck did I call this? Hold on one second. It's okay, dude. No, no, I got it right here. It's just us.

No pressure. No, no, it's good. Remember, it's just us. talking to each other. The meritorious alliance of maternal astro space or mama. Mama! Captain Mary Amalthea of the mothership took them aboard and told them of the existence of a theorized space ever, everland, with a type of being heretofore never seen, but that could connect the various dimensions. What entity could connect mothers and dads and and uncles. What do you need to get them? Puppies. Close. Ah. Is it family?

Ooh. And how are you spelling that? I don't remember. F-A-M-L-E-E-L-F-A-M. We agreed on that, right? Having gone through the space station of Antioch and meeting the Wine Ants, the Broadway Ants, The hippie ants and the gossip ants. A stride a rocketing VW bus, our four dads, head through space towards the avuncularity. It is here we begin our journey. At the wheel of a VW bus, a computer alights. Hey, everybody, this is the hippie ant supercomputer. who's steering this bet.

Hey, if we're both back here, Blazin, who's driving this thing? Is there a different type of ant supercomputer that we are able to opt into? Gossip Ant supercomputer coming on board. Is there a type A over-planning ant available that we can type to? Older sister ant unlocked. Hi! I'm Guy Ferrari and I'm driving this bus. I guess so.

Where's our itinerary? It's right here. What do you mean right here? Are you gesturing to something fun? I'm stabbing a chip like, yeah, dinner. He calls it a guy itinerary. Here you go. We have fun.

Okay. And do we have lunch in here? Their bathroom breaks planned? We're going to be out in the sun all day. What's going on exactly? Hold on now. One second. All right?

I have planned for a day out. side. All right. And we're covered on that in. I've got sunscreen. And he glazes himself in like 10 seconds. Like Spider-Man? You have web shares? I said exactly what I said. Covered in sunscreen, Chip, you stand to your full height. A nearby red dwarf star glances harmlessly off of your sunscreened body as this powerful ointment covers you. And I say, don't worry about it. lunch and six hot dogs pop out from between my fingers like Wolverine. They don't come out of the flesh.

I was just holding six hot dogs in my hands waiting for this month. Wolverine weiner. Wolverwiener. There's nothing there. Weinerine. Weinerine. Still no, but thanks for trying so hard.

If Deadpool Wolverine couldn't find Wolverine or what soap do you have? Moving through space ahead of you. Sometimes you just do a Hard segue. Yeah. Gotcha.

Boom. It's the equivalent of the RA saying, guys, we all have to wake up in six hours. Nutrinos blasting through space, as it folds. You see space and time, the shape of distant stars, wrapping around each other, forming something circular, like an event horizon or a hole, with a slight, oblong shape until you realize you're seeing.

seeing almost the shape of an ear in space, the unclear. It's really good shit, man. I'm talking, hold on. Yeah, no, yeah, unclear. I don't know. Okay. If you're sure, it's okay. It's good?

Great. It's fine. As the ship travels, you begin to see the ship sort of shaking in its approach, different neutrinos, boom, hitting across the VW bus. I turn on the windshield wipers. this is going to be our first test. I'm going to need an order check from you. Just one token.

Should we explain this phase of the game? Yeah, real quick. Because Justin and I don't remember. And also it's going to look like Travis is jorking it otherwise. Don't pull me down to the sea with you. As you all know, fatherhood, the concept of paternity, thrives on the interplay between chaos and order. Order. I will turn this spaceship around.

Chaos. Yes, we can go to McDonald's and get ice cream. Within this interplay, each of our dads has a fanny pack filled with different colored poker chips. Blue representing order and red representing chaos. They're green this time. Good call. Green representing chaos. Blue. Other way? Red is chaos. Green is order. We couldn't find any fucking blue chips, so the color change. What you want?

Shut out, everybody. Making games as hard as shit, dude. Yeah, dude. Haven't you heard about tariffs? God. Shit. Chips. So, on a difficulty of one,

Guy Ferrari needs to reach in blind to his fanny pack and remove a single chip. If it is a green order chip, this is successful. and the VW bus is saved from the harmful neutrinos. If it is a red chaos chip, it is a failure, and the chip is lost. Oh, it's red, everybody, at home.

But nothing's really ever lost, is it, Brennan? No, that is, actually. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah, the chip's lost. Really, really. That's he's on the floor. Griff put it on the ground, so you can tell it's like really long.

You ain't getting that shit. Neutrinos slam into the VW bus. space bends and warps around you here hey there kiddo you're looking way bigger than the last time I saw saw saw saw saw you Space and time neutrinos Black void of space white neutrinos Increasing increasing all white all white all white

Gravity suspends You have entered the evuncularity Endless white space no longer being governed by Newtonian physics, you have entered into pure conceptual space. Woo. The end of physics. And here, at the end of space and time,

slowly clapping, famed character actor Walton Gagans. Well, well, no, no, this isn't a, Walt, Walt, no. well me and my kid were kind of laid back ain't nothing old country boy like me can't hide no no no please

wait sorry just to be clear as soon as Walter Pierce Chip Hugginsby fires a pistol at him just unloads a clip incredible I'm gonna need a difficulty of two chaos pull why do you have a gun I never mentioned that

no actually it was established in episode one that you filled your bag with guns as well as sunscreen as zags That's canonical. Canonically, you see, Brandon, canonic. Okay, so difficulty of two, what does that mean?

I need to take out... You're going to take out... You're going to take out two tokens. If they are both chaos, the move will be a success. Okay. So we're looking for two red. Okay.

And we've got... A red and green. A red and green. A mixed success. Okay. So, you must choose one of those two tokens to discard. I'll discard the law token.

We're going to Disney. Yes. So taking out... We might need those. We actually shouldn't do that. We might need a throw. What if they shattered? Yeah, yeah.

Removing a gun. What does a Disney dad's gun look like? It's got the haunted mansion print on it, right? Yeah, yeah. Because we got 9999 happy haunts and I'm about to make the last one. Yeah. You memento mori dead shit.

Yeah, baby. Nobody's going to memento his mori. On a mixed success, you see that Walton, with a supernatural, almost vampiric salarity, he whips to one side as the bullet grazes his cheek. Iker, black as midnight, oozes down his face as the bullet grazes him. Look what you gone and did, Hugginsby.

We agree Walton Goggins is our most. Most likely vampire, right? Yeah, yeah. Currently. Sorry. And you see, he says, If only I had some help to hear these wounds.

Chokie, get out of here. No. Emerging from the interior pocket of his finely tailored laser, Chokie, spirit of smoke and prosciutto.

Brickette, I'm so sorry. I couldn't resist. His power is too great. Brennan, just to be clear, is this a thrall situation, or is he just seen the sort of logic of what Walton is laying down? I think you see that there's a little bit of, like, a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.

Where he's going like, his presence, the power of his spirit is too great to resist. Yeah, no, for sure. And also, did you see vice principals? So good. I love it. Of course I did. Of course I saw.

They played on the big screen all the time. He's got an easy sexuality that really appeals. Don't even worry your head, none at all, Chucky. Besides, I've got a new familiar, and he kicks ass. And I put down the grill, and I summoned Ground Keith, who's my ground beef familiar. Not shaped into a paddy, just loose ground beef. and he sucks. Sorry, what's that name?

One more time, Grimbinger. Ground Keith. You throw, like, when you say loose ground beef, you mean like this should be in a saucepan becoming taco meat. It looks like I'm starting a story for the approval of the Midnight Society. But just, man, it sucks when they make the Dadlands TV show.

I got to wait like four years before Ground Keith shows up. You hit this pile of ground beef on the grill. Easily 90% immediately shoots on the coals. Right through the grill. And a little burst of smoke goes, oh shit, most of my ass is dead. Yeah, ground keep. First of all, ground keep, behave yourself.

I've tried to impress it. Oh, my ass is burned up right on them calls. Help, I'm dead. Help my ass, I'm dead. Ground Keith instantly switches teams to Walton Goggins. I mean,

do you want me to I pull up the fucking, I pull out the George Forman grill. Please, God, just kill him. I bring out the George Forman grill. I say, do you want the George Foreman?

Because I, Oh, please get me on that George Foreman grill. Okay, hold on. Okay, hold on. I just kill him. Please kill him. I close it and I put it on the

George Foreman to preserve. You're hurting him, killing him. You please. What's little left of Groundkeet squeezes into the George Foreman grill? Is he dead?

God, just, Without the plastic tray, he immediately slides down the grill. I help. I'm sad and dead. I hate it. He's joking. We have so much fun, Chokey.

This is one of our games. He makes me so much happier than you or Walton Cawkins made me. Chip has gone fetal. You see, Chucky looks and says, do you want me to help ground, Keith? He won't stop screaming about his ass. Please kill one of us. No, he's fine. He's joking for our game.

I never joked in my life. I hate to laugh. I suck. Delt this card, Ground Keith. He's played his part. God, that's brutal, Griffin. Sheesh.

You throw him off to the side, and as you do, you see, Walton Goggins puts two fingers to his temple, and an enormous grill appears underneath your feet for Ground Keith to fall directly into. We're here in conceptual space, Brickett. All the guns in the world,

no matter how much Disney memorabilia they have printed on the side, all the hidden whistles. You see here he makes direct eye contact with Guy Ferrari and dirty secrets. All of them. Hey, what does that mean? Uh, uh, uh, pornography.

You want porn? No. Is this a voting situation? Tonight we've added pornohole to the show. Chip is carefully labeling Disney-branded guns he's conceived of for sale on eBay. You see that Walton looks at you and says, anything you'd ever want to look at, dirty or otherwise, it's all waiting here.

This beautiful space was created by the avuncular physicists of old. Yeah. We don't know what we, well, we don't know what that means. Oh, you, uh, you want to find out about the lost tribes of uncles? It's just a rumor. We've all heard it, but it's, it's not real. Yeah, how can there be a dad who's not a dad that that's crazy? Oh, there's not anymore. What?

I came here to a land rich with uncles. and I destroyed them all. Not cool. Why? The fireworks uncle's dead. Oh, man. The arts uncles dead. Dang.

What did they ever do? The Thanksgiving uncles. No! Dead. That's actually okay. Those guys were bad. Yeah. The arts uncles dead.

You said that one right now. You killed them again? Well, it's conceptual space, and they kind of imagined what if they came back as sort of a performance art. Sure. And finally. Brennan, can I conceive of a second taller Walton Goggins, just to be clear.

Give me. This is going to be our first cornhole throw of the show. Can you bring the paraphernalia, please, Paul. Bring our beautiful weapon. Okay, so. The Waltest, Guggins. So I want to be really clear about this. so it can help you calibrate.

I'm trying to conceive of a Walton Goggins that is 20% larger and stronger than the Walton Goggins we see before us that could, by logic, overpower him 100% of the time. If you want a Walton Goggins to those exact specifications, the nearest line is available to you.

That will succeed. If you would like it to happen without any complications. You must throw from the furthest line. If you get him on the first one, can it be Walter Goggers? And if you get him on the furthest line, it's Waltus Goggist. Where are you shooting from, pal? Middle of the road, great.

Middle of the road. That's great. Just one sack? This is a one sack deal? One sack, one shot. Do you want the microphone? No, he's not. Wait, wait, before you throw, just a reminder for those at home.

We have, you'll get him next time, champ. That's my boy. It's the middle. And I love you, son. Can I, I should, can I scoot up? Because it's like, kind of a stupid thing I'm doing. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't really care if it works or not. Sorry, do you mean, Justin? Great. The show we're making right now or the action, your character is day goes. The show is what I live for. This specific action is kind of stupid. I just kind of set it.

Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Work it. He made it. For those of you at home, he made it. Somebody's been practicing.

That was a clean shot. We got plenty of, we got plenty of sax, Paul. That's his game ball. He gets to take home at the end of the night. I'll take my complications, Weaver. As. Hold on one second.

You said 20%? 20% taller. How tall is Watson? I was going to specify 20% like craftier, but I thought that would make the throw too hard. Yeah, yeah.

So I kept him with just, like, mentally, it's an even match, right? But physically, he's got the reach. Okay. So at 5'10, a seven foot tall Walton Goggins. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wall Tower.

Wait, wait, sorry, I'm so sorry. No, Justin, you just shit on Waltaw Tower. No, no, we're going to get it. I just got to know, does the website list his crushing pressure? How much? The PSI. PSI of Walton Goggins. A 20% height increase is so much easier to calculate than a 20%.

Because if it's 20%, wait, if he's, sorry, hold on. No, no, no. I am so sorry that I'm like this. Do it like this. If his height increases, if his height increases by 20%, and his weight increases by 20%, his weight should increase by so much more than 20%. If his height has increased by 20%, a towering. empowering, anemic, deeply hungry, Walton Goggins.

His physical strength increased 20% in every dimension. Not his density. He's not a dwarf star. It's a straw. He's like a beefy swallwold. Right. But what I'm saying is if he goes from 5, 10 to 7 feet but only go, what, internet, how heavy is Walton Gondon's?

No, no. I'm sorry, Brennan. I'm sorry, Brennan. But justice is correct. Because if he increased 20% height, but not weight, then he'd be all. Gangly. The 20% increase in weight balances the 20% increase

in high. And then he'd be Walton Ganglan. Do we have a doctor in the house? With each inch of height added, there is a greater than equal ratio of my wife. My wife is at home watching the kids is 1056 Eastern. I think

what she wants is for me to call her an ass. Hey, listen, if you cheer loud enough that she hears, I'm going to get in trouble, so please so it, okay? Can I say? Can I say? The very first Google question is how much is Walton Goggins way, and that's wild

to me. Okay. He's one Walton Gogginsworth. It's also your computer, Brennan. As, telling on myself, the Algo. As this massive Walton Goggins appears, he looks to you. All of your specifications

exact, turns, and then says, my creator why have you made me I Guggins Prime

and bows to Walton Goggins Where you see Walton goes My sweet baby boy You know what you must do for me

It is an honor Goggins Prime Please make it fast Walton Goggins slits. What? Go on. You know where this is going. No, no, no, no, baby. Go on.

Walton Goggins slits, Walthower Goggins's throat. Fuck. And says, by the power of the effuncularity and the mystery of the unclear and its secret treasure. And here you see in distant space this shimmering ear-shaped singularity. He says,

I've burned the land of the uncles, and I summon from conceptual space the four ultimate uncles to defeat the champions of the dadlands once and for all. Uncles forged of conceptual space itself, not rendered by any real family. And that word rings out in space, rendered only of pure myth.

I call upon the first of the four, Uncle Scrooge. Oh, no. In a Dickensian top hat, an ancient British landlord shoots out and says, with the power of all ghosts, do I now destroy the dads? He says, I call Uncle Sam. with eyes made of fire and an enormous eagle's beak, a monstrous cackling gargoyle with a stars and stripes, top hat goes, is everything going okay with America

while I'm in conceptual space? Oh, Uncle Sam, oh shit. Old Drosselmeier! You see, a weird old German wizard goes, I'm from the Nutcracker Ballet. Ah, okay, yeah, yeah. Also known as Uncle Exposition. I say, I'd say,

dibs, if we're splitting these up, dibs. And I'm Uncle Arthritis. Juan Gagin finishes. It says, And the fourth great ultimate uncle Poseidon, God of the Sea. Wait. You were smart to get in when you did. You see, a massive, watery green. God appears.

If you think about it, I am an uncle. Yeah, many times over. Many times, my brother, Zeus, has a lot of kids. Through questionable means. Oh, sure. I don't approve. So can I, Bretton, can I clarify something real quick

just to bring down the energy a little bit because I feel like it's getting a little bit too exciting and fun? Yeah. So Uncle Scrooge is not the duck. Hey, Justin. I'm not mad. I'm not mad.

I don't want you to do the voice. I was afraid of you doing the voice. I didn't want you to do it. But I want to make sure not the duck. Hey, he's not the duck yet. Oh, he's a wear duck. Okay. I see.

Okay. Chip empties a clip into Poseidon. Oh, hold on. It's best to let him, Poseidon, it's best to let him get it out of his system. Use the 20,000 leagues under the sea gun. This is going to leave you six leagues under the dirt. As you begin to square up, as you pull your gun, go ahead. Give me, I'm going to say give me two chaos once again to light up the god of the ocean.

Okay, make success. One of each. One of each. Okay. You got to burn one. Chip. You're burning your second law. Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. Run out of law tokens, then you're out of the game. Let me look. Hold on. Let me see what my blend is. No, I'm good. This is a fun split. Let's get to generate a real active show for everybody.

Okay, exciting. Chip, I'm going to give it over to you. On a mixed success, you have just given up two order tokens in quick succession. The forces of chaos are moving upon, you're feeling it. As you fire wildly the god of the sea, what happens? You cannot aim true. As you see, he goes, I summoned the waves of the Aegean Sea, which questionably exists in this timeline, but let's work with it.

Okay. Chip, what are you doing, pal? Chip, this really isn't you. I don't understand this side of you. I mean a gun, pal, what's going on? This isn't us. All right, I don't really get it. Your heart, something about your heart is not in it.

Is this wild violence? Is this what you would want on a beautiful day at the park with your kids? And you see, and suddenly you realize what's staying your hand. From the other side of that massive ear-shaped fold in space and time, you hear a voice ring out. Dad? And at the last minute, you avert because there's something in space and time

that you don't want to see you kill the mythological god of the ocean. I imagine a toilet and drop my gun in it. As you imagine a toilet, all of you swirl down through space and time. As you do. I'm sorry I didn't specify. the size.

The VW bus, all of you, getting choked up in the water through that giant grill, you hear goddamn my ass and water. Oh, man. Ah, shit ass! You saw he was dead? I thought he was, man.

I must have missed a few granules of king. When they ground me up, I saw God's face, and he said I was so bad I could never die. Hey, while that screams, I roll up the windows. Windows up. You see,

You see, as you shoot through that toilet, Walton says, Oh, the magic school was. I thought we were going to go in an ear, and I was saving it for then, but then we went down a giant toilet and sat and I was like, oh, this works. Yeah, for sure. As you shoot down this watery sort of funnel, you look up and you see Walton suddenly looking and recognizing something on Chip's face. He sees that Chip has seen something or heard something, that he must not have seen.

or heard. And you see under his breath, he goes, the treasure. After them ultimate uncles. Destroy them before they get farther into conceptual space time. I want to conceive of a fart in Walton Goggins face. That's good shit. I am going to need... Almost. I am going to need two chaos tokens unless you can make the fart more dadlike somehow. In which case it will be... I want to envision a giant finger in front of Walton Goggins. that he can pull. He looks and says, get out of here.

No. Looking for chaos? Rip it. Rip that shit, man. Come out. Yes. Chaos! Walton Gaggins looks

and sees a pure fart emanating from no butthole, but a fart so bad that it is ever so slightly visible. Walton Gaggans already quite pronounced hairline is blasted back as he vanishes towards the ear

as the four ultimate uncles leap. You see Scrooge goes time ghosts to me and ghosts of past, present and future surround his fists like mighty spectral gloves. Just like hitting the foot. He goes better to decrease the surplus

dad population I'm going to punch you into last week, literally. I have a question for you, Brennan. How does Uncle Sam react when the Disney dad just whips out of Glock and starts firing because he saw something he didn't understand? You see, you see, as you fire, as you go to Poseidon attempt to fire, you see Uncle Sam literally growing larger as two massive bald eagle wings spread from his back. And he goes, ah, yes.

And as you avert at the last second, he goes, come on. Hey, hey, guys, quick team meeting, let's do our best not to make any of the Uncle Monsters horny. Well, I'll try. That means nobody withhold any money from orphans. They love that. They do. It's her favorite. All you shoot down the funnel, you in this moment have the opportunity.

to appear in any kind of conceptual landscape that you want to. This space was rendered by sort of like other uncles. You guys can look to see if there's any other wreckage of this sort of like mental uncle space that they made. You guys can also kind of create things in this space as you have, but you have mere moments before the uncles descend on you. A ball pit. It has nothing to do with anything, but it could be fun.

Go ahead if you would read. I want you to create a ball pit up. You can pull either order or chaos here, whichever you prefer, but just announce it ahead of time. What are you trying to pull? What are you trying to pull? Say it.

Trying to pull fast one. No, I'm going to pull a red one. Okay, chaos. Chaos. There it is. Chaos! As you imagine a ball pit, boom.

You see a vast playland. Ball pits. in an enormous canyon towering spires conceived here in space. A perfect recreation of your home. The dad lands appears before you. As the VW bus hits the sandstone heading towards the ancient ballpits

that mark the far edge of Frisbee Canyon, your ancient homeland. Looking behind you, the ballpits, you see all the uncles go, ah, wait, don't push the ball pit. Can we, we have to. have, we have to show that we're here with kids. You see kids, boom, boom, boom, what?

Echoes out through space and time once again. You look out and you see a force field scatter the uncles across the dadlands. You look badly injured trudging from conceptual space. The last uncle collapses to the ground. A device in his hand clicked, having just repelled the ultimate uncles. He looks at you. He goes, Oh, shit, man.

I thought they, Walton Goggins fucking shot me, man. Oh, shit. Are you guys from, you're not uncles? What the fuck are you guys? It's going to be really hard to explain without killing you. Listen, you're an uncle, right? I'm the last uncle. I'm the hard on his uncle.

Um, listen. You guys have a 20. 20 bucks. Are you the kind of uncle that has a water bed? Because I'd like to call Dibbs before you die if you're that kind of uncle. Most uncles have a water bed.

It's still mostly good. I duct tape the hole and it's not all water anymore. Fantastic. What a bummer, dude. I'm going to offer you four rides to the airport for you to help us stop Walden Goggins. Four rides to the airport,

man. There's usually like a bunch of cigarette butts with plenty of cigarette left on them at the airport. Hey man dude hold on. Hey listen no no no. Whoa Moggins is out the window now man. You're doing okay? Because you're trying

real hard to be sad. This is a really good sub-genre of Brennan trying to read people that smoke cigarettes and drink boots. Do you need to crash on our couch? Do you know a real couch? There's sofa mountains.

I say, I say, brother, where we come from, there's... Brother? Brother? I want to help you guys. What do I call you? Not dad, because that would make our relationship something completely different. I like brother. Brother.

Chip. Wow. Oh, yeah. Chip worship, guy. Chip. I'll be Chip. Chip. Chip.

Chip. You're my brother. Chip. Chip. Chip. I'm your brother, Red. Just Chip's fine. And what I call you?

Guy. Guy. So Guy, Chip, my brother, my brother, and me. Great. Ladies and gentlemen, Brennan, that's a series rap on Bradley Mulligan. It's been a great ride. Make sure you check out the posters in the lobby. He is actually going to become an insurance adjuster in Lost Curses, New Mexico.

He is going to run a daycare. What you guys didn't see is after he said that, he pulled out an old, warning. notebook and marked a final thing off a list. He's actually, if you're listening later, he's actually still running into the distance. Oh, he's fading. He's turning into smoke. Where do you go? He's floating

up to heaven. He's back. You look, the hard on his uncle goes, wait, what is it again? Hard on his uncle. Hard on his uncle. I'll be honest. At first, I thought it was some sort of euphemism that he was very sick.

And I was like, that's a weird No. That's a weird direction. I thought it was a variety of bread. Yeah. Wait. I like how it started with hard on. Am I saying hard?

I'm saying hard on his uncle? That's what it sounds like. Hard on. Hard on. Hard on. Hard on. This is hard on his uncle. Sorry.

I meant down on his uncle. Thank you so much. Okay. Now, Brennan. Yes. Obviously, you understand. He will need. to continue to be hard on his uncle.

Hard on his uncle. You understand. He says, oh, again. Oh, I can't get anything right. He's all justified. Is he bleat? Is he oozing blood from a gunshot? Yeah, he goes, he fucking shot me.

He collapses to the ground. Oh, shit ass. I'm going to fix it. Can I just call you hard on for short? If you want, man. I do want very much so. All right, Chip, you got it. I'm going to give him a blood transfusion.

because I don't see how it's that different from an oil change. Go ahead, and we're going to call this chaos. Yeah. We're going to call this chaos. Give me two chaos. Here we go. Two beautiful reds, the red blood of Guy Ferrari. I didn't say the blood was coming from me.

All right, here we go. We got a red and a green. Yeah, it'll be my own blood. On a red and a green, can I ask which of those tokens are you getting? rid of. Yeah, yeah. Don't put it on the ground because we got... Is that your final order? Yeah. No, okay. Going into it, your blood

is not enough. You are going to have to put... And you'll see that he's lost more than just blood. He's lost a lot of tissue. Yeah, can I get in there and with a real tiny grill? Can I cauterize the wind? And I'm going to put him on it. It's real small. Put some of your meat in him. That's a good point, yeah.

Guys, I can't even fucking conceive of the show in my mind's eye anymore. Like, I can't conceive of it. What are you saying? I open up the refrigerator in my chest cavity. What? This is canon. This is actually pre-established. Yeah, I put him on the car lifts and raise him up. I just hook the blood drain

in the bed. I take a little bit of tenderloin. I right up in there, and then I get the tiny grill and I you grill it down. I'm going to need an order from you. That's order? Just as is intended by God's plan, he's cauterizing a wound with a mighty grill that he pulled out of his chest. Yeah.

Oh. I cooked a man. I cooked a man. I said I never. The meat that must not be cooked. The meat that must not be cooked. As you sear the grill into the side of the down on his uncle, aka hard on. You see, he screams out and.

pain as he does. That's just because he's cooking him with a gruel. He goes, oh shit, that burns and the blood burns too. Grow up. Hurd's donut. It's just blood. I give him a hurts donut. And it's instinctual and I don't know why I do it.

As he screams from the four corners of the dadlands, the scream echoes out. Uncle Sam. Damn it. And Scrooge, Sam, Drosselmeyer, who again is the magician uncle from the Nutcracker ballet. Yeah. And Poseidon. All perfectly pinpoint your location.

You have mere moments to act quickly. And in that last moment before you must leap into action, you see Ground Keith calls out, fuck bow my ass! Ultimate Uncle's I'll betray I'll betray two I eat him

Give me Give me chaos one That's chaos I agree on that one That's a chaos token I would I would like him to not eat I eat him

I eat brown keats I eat him on real good That's why I cooked him Yeah You eat the most badly burned small pile of ground beef ever. Every face in the audience could catalog every human emotion right now.

It's amazing. I'm seeing the real gamut of human experience. Everybody feels a little bit different. As you do, you see that looking up at you from the ground as you consume this last sort of betraying meat spirit. You see that the down on his uncle

looks up and goes, thank you. It all makes sense to me. You guys are on a mission from the dadlands. You're trying to find whatever's beyond the avuncularity, and your enemy, Walton Gaggins, killed all the

uncles to distill them into four conceptual uncles that are Uncle Sam, Uncle Screws, Uncle Drossel, Meyer, and Poseidon. Like you do. And you almost got betrayed by a ground beef spirit. And you just saved my life. And now I'm here to help. That all checks out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it tracks, man.

Well? Time to start the adventure. Oh, well. And that's our first half. We'll be right back. Back. I will spiral out in a way that was. He's just showing you the whistle, but he's not actually going to blow it.

It's broken because I broke it. I conceived of it being broken in the evuncularity, and it broke it. We return now. Wait first. Let's hear for our poster artist, Fay Day. Thank you, Fay Day. We're going to do a poster.

Yeah, let's get this out of the way now. Also, the Paul Memorial, Pulsaborne Memorial Camphood Drive. Thank you all so much for being here. Let's hear for Brennan. Yay! Now, Brendan, where can it? Now, Brendan, if people here are interested in fighting your work,

where would they go to do that? Well, please, you can find plenty of work from Dimension 20, Game Changer, make some noise, over on dropout.com. And you can also listen to Worlds Beyond Number, wherever find pods are cast. You can find us. That you can find on Patreon for World's Beyond Number. And then Brandon Lee Mulligan on various socials that are not as fully evil as social networks become,

but in the medium range of evil, you can find me on those social networks. Your average normal amount. The ones that are still kind of evil, but also still worth the time. It was where you're like, I think you're selling my data, but I don't know to who yet. So fine, I'll stay here. The proceeds from the Can Food Drive are going to go to the Second Harvest Food Bank. of Orange County. All right.

Okay, Dad, no more whistles. No more whistles. No more whistles. Now, Brennan. I'm getting rid of all dad's whistles. Brennan. I believe a flag has been thrown on the play. Yes.

I'm calling for a review of the last 90 seconds of the first dad. Yeah, I threw all dad's whistles. We return 90 seconds into the past red rough and sore. You behold that the down on his uncle is about to die. But. I thought it was go-down on it. No.

Well, that's going to do it for us. Thank you, everyone. Yeah. I am now sick. I was not sick before my dad said that, and then I was made sick by it. Family unity. Yeah, that's exactly actually what you just ruined.

It's our job. As Coach Red, Ruff, and Soar sees time fold back at this instant review. you, where do you want to intercede? You see the down on his uncle is bleeding out. Guy Ferrari is about to perform the blood transfusion. You see that shortly after that, Brickette is going to grill that which must not be grilled. Is it just, man, man must not be grilled. Is it just him seeing this or are we all seeing the flashback? In this moment, I think you are all seeing the flashback mediated through

Red Ruffins Sores command as all sports dads command over the flow of time itself. Chip looks at himself to see if he's pulling off the tanks up. Give me. This is about you. Yes. Go ahead

and give me an order pull. You can do it, Juice. Just show me that green stuff. There we go. Chip, you look, relaxed with it. vibrant, hip, healthy, and most of all, happy. Thank you.

Great. Perfect. Feel good. Feel strong. Are you giving Justin that extra chip? Yes, okay. There was one on the floor. Does that work that way? It works that way.

And when you succeed, you get a chip back. It's a good game. Cool. Red, where do you intercede on the play? I want to give a pep talk to him before we resort to the Donner Party. Okay. Go ahead and you interested to give a pep talk. I need to draw a chip out for

You can talk for free All right boy listen I know you fall in fire And you're all shot and you're a bum And you know you're kind of down on your luck Who are you? Okay you're talking to the uncle Talking to the uncle

You're rather I know that you're sleeping Let me talk for God's sake Holy crap Does anybody else feel like they're 11 Because I feel Right We all...

Dad had that accent when he was younger. It's weird. He taught it out of himself for the internet. Listen, I know things are hard. That's how we were raised, imagine.

It's crazy. But you know what? Ruffin' sores don't quit. No, that was McElroy's don't quit, which was a lie. We quit all the time. But you know what? I know, as an uncle,

you've got under your couch. some old dirty magazines. And you know, they're probably worth a great deal of money on eBay. So I want you to get off that couch, drop, give me 20, and then spring up a new man. A man that doesn't want to be cooked. No, not cooked.

That's the other guy. It doesn't want to be a bum on somebody else's couch. No, I was about to cook him. Okay, you don't want to be cooked. I want you to stand up. And I want you to look right into their faces and spit in their eye. I spit. I'd spit in their eye and tell them you're a winner and not a quitter.

I get the feeling some of you in this audience really needed someone like dad to say that to you. With the, with the beauty and passion and all. of that speech. I'm going to give you three throws at the cornhole. Wait, wait. Do they have to be bags? They do not have to be bags.

Save this man's life, Clint. If you failed to make the throw with a ball... It's in your pocket, dude. I can see the bulge. It sucks. That's his dick! It sucks that I can see that, man. If you miss it, we'll erase the evidence of your previous throw. When dad confidently throws...

admits the pleasure I experience is going to overwhelm me. I will not be able to speak because I'll be so delighted by the hubris as his wings melt before me. I'm going to backstop it here just in case it goes wide and I don't want you to lose your special ball and Jack, go get it again. Oh, yeah, it's good. That's troll up there. Here we go.

Here we go. Give me what I need. Three throws. Three throws of any object. Okay. He's starting with beanbags. Here we go. He's standing at the, you'll get him next time, champ.

That was a first throw success. Now that was from the lowest difficulty. Really a low difficulty. Now where to go but up, Mac. Get greedy. Get greedy. Get greedy. Here we go.

He's stepping back to the middle line. My confection has grown even sweeter. Here we go. Now let the hubris drip down from your... Buckets! Oh, that was close. That was close, but that was a miss. This is already a success on the cornhole throw.

We are just seeing if this success is explosive or not. On your final throw, here we go. This is it. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I love you, son. I love you, son. For those of you at home, he missed on the middle line.

He's moved back to I love you son. I love you son. the most powerful throw of all. Here we go. Yeah. The follow spot, I can't even imagine a throw that far. All right, dad. This is to convince an uncle not to give up

and get cooked on a George Foreman grill. Yeah. Let's see, it looks like he's going with. Ah, yes, the four three formation. Here he goes. Absolute silence in the audience. Absolute silence. Quiet silence from everyone.

Sorry, okay, Chris. Here we go. Toby. No. No, sorry. No, that was short by a mile. Noby. But he did get his success.

He had the success on the corner. It didn't get his success, yeah, and it still feels as good, right? I'm so glad that third throw was worth it, if only to get the quietest sorry in the world. From someone who, I think for a moment, was like, I was the only person talking. Yeah, it was your fault. Sorry. Someone that you could tell they were a fan of ours, they just felt compelled to apologize. for cheering at a live show.

Yeah. As Red, you move through time and space, peering through into the past, correcting the timeline with this impassioned speech, you see the down on his lunkle goes, oh, God, wait, I could sell all that porn. I, who flips over onto his stomach, knocks out a quick 20 push-ups.

One, two, three, a day, ha, do. collapses to his stomach, reaches under the couch, grabs a bunch of porn, goes, I'm going to turn my life around. Like every great story of a hero, it starts with scooping out all the classic vintage porn from under his bed. At a boy. He goes, he wraps his arms around you. You're a good brother, and I want to be a good uncle.

and all the uncles out here, I'm turning this around right now. I'm going to get on eBay and I'm going to sell this porn to hopefully, I don't know, an eccentric millionaire or somebody. Adults. Yeah. Adults.

Yeah. Oh, for sure. Implied, I think. Yeah. Hey, adults are the only kind of people that exist. Right. Phew. In porn buying in every other regard.

Just remember that, folks. It's canon that in dad lands, anybody can buy porn. With this chronomancy on the behalf of Coach Red, Rough, and Soar, not only does the down on his uncle leap into action. Restoring, you see, to an uncle that like a dad thrived on law and chaos. You see, he restores his first order token back in. into himself and ends his deadbeat status. Do I still canonically eat Ground Keith?

In this moment, the timeline has been averted, and you see Ground Keith, who has not yet been eaten, does not betray, and instead goes, ah, wow, that was beautiful. Shit ass. Dude, you got to watch your language. What? I think there's try.

old grand listening. Oh, wait, I want to, I want to help. I don't want to just be a bunch of burnt old bits of ground-up beef at the bottom

of a grill. Don't. If he... I was going to eat him. No, don't do it. If this guy, if this guy can do 20 push-ups and sell porn

like an honorable man, then maybe I don't have to be grilled ground beef, maybe I could be a, and in conceptual space he goes, maybe one day I could be a, a hamburger. And he congeals into a patty and goes, I don't want to be ground Keith anymore. I want to be, and a little bit of cheese congeals on top of him,

I want to be a keysburger. Hey, Paul, can you double check the script? Did we have... Did we write Keyzburger in there? Is that right? It's crazy. Can I have my red review flag back? He's nodding, yes.

Fervently. Yeah, I guess that's what we scripted. All right. Keysburger. It's like Keith Burger. No, yeah. No, no. 100%.

Yeah, it's so good, dude. It's not that we didn't get it. Oh, now that I know it's definitely in, I'm buying in a fully. Yeah. Gotcha. Great. As you see, he says, or we can stay with Greg. No, please.

Be what you want to be what you want to be. be that's that's i want to be scared here come the uncles and you see uncle sam comes barreling after you what do you do i tell the other three to get out of the vw bug are we out of the vw bung it would be crazy if this whole thing happened inside of a little bus i hop in the vw van and i start whipping shitties well i guess he's just leaving bye i guess i guess i No, I'm doing donuts. You don't see someone doing donuts and think they're leaving. In fact, I would say doing donuts is the exact polar opposite of leaving.

Sure, yeah. You start pulling donuts. Hell yes. Sorry, whip and shit. I want you to say the phrase whipping shitties, yeah. You want to face yourself. Great. You start whipping shitties a term I had never heard of before this instant.

Yeah. Hey, Brennan, just to say you know, that's not like an, us thing. I've never heard it. No, this might be that time travel loop paradox of who wrote Hamlet kind of deal. I'm pretty sure I heard it somewhere else. You think it was William whipping shitties? No. Travis

heard whipping shitties on my brother, my brother, and me. But he doesn't, he didn't say it's fucked up, man. Don't worry about it. Anyways, I'm whipping shitties. Yeah. And I pop open the glove compartment. Oh, wow. And I flip the switch

that turns on the solar panels and biodiesel of this VW van given to us by a hippie aunt. Hell yes. Because I assume sustainable energy is Uncle Sam's weakness. Hell yes. I'm going to ask

for a cornhole toss. Fuck yeah. You're going to get two sacks on this one. a throw from the near line will get you a mortal blow. If you want to instantly destroy this conceptual uncle, you've got to go back to at least our second line. I mean, get the real deal. No, don't consult the audience.

Don't kill him, dude. Get your microphone so you can say, oh, I missed. Okay, here we go, from line two. Yeah. He can't have the way. So why do you need two hands to throw? I don't understand. Here we go.

Balance, one is for eight. No one heard that. Here we go. Justin, here he goes. He's going up to the... Oh. So close. So close.

Right over. He's not stepping forward. He's staying at the middle line. You got it. Dial in. Dial in. Here we go. And yep.

Yeah. That's good. Yep. get it oh god another skipper right now you're really whipping shitty guy you see as you open up the solar

panels and all of the gear on top of this aunt this hippie aunt van you see that uncle sam screeches and looks and goes you think I can't destroy renewable energy

you think it's not within me to do so and a beeping button appears, a beeping button appears on the VW bus in your driver's seat that goes, hey, if you want, we have a different kind of renewable energy. If you want to summon in a constructed aunt presence, a constructed aunt presence to fight Uncle Sam with sort of material sciences, we recommend the most powerful artificial ant of all. Antimatter.

Do you want to summon antimatter? Yes, I do. And as I summon it, I'm also going to dive out of the van and let the AI take over. You dive out of the van. Wait, if I let the AI take over, is Uncle Sam going to like that?

Far from it, this is not an artificial intelligence. It is instead a constructed persona. made of the collective might of all ants in their resistance to blow hard screaming uncles everywhere. It's AI. It's antish. Yeah. It's antish. You summon antimatter? Yeah. Friends, a Briah, Ingar, please come on out here. Please describe what happens as the VW bus transforms into a mecca ant. the VW bus

stops, it's like mid-dunit and it rolls over and in a barrel roll first you smell it a beautiful buttery chardonnay on the wind and then a cloud kicks up that cloud smells like

what do aunts smell like? Petululia 100%. Yeah, petulia everyone agrees. A scattering of crystals quartz like a candle

and then standing from it an aunt in Paisley with an overly like she looks like she's coming to or from an art project there's clay and like paint on her and no sign of a completed craft anywhere because that's how ADHD

works hello boys I would as anti-matter stares down Uncle Sam I'd like you to take three throws for me on the cornhole uh you choose right, maybe one from each?

One from each. Your shot, same deal. First line is mortal blow, but if you get two mortal blows, that's a wrap on Uncle Sam. Oh, that's a good deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go. This is your chance to kill you. Complete silence. She kill America. Complete silence. She knows. Oh, that's okay. You can get it.

You can get it. It's okay. Oh, we got one on the wrist. No! Brickette, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes. Me too. We do. Let's get to jumping.

Hold on. You remember the last time when we jumped to make it go in? Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, yeah. It's a miracle! It's a miracle! Just took a little bit of stomp. A little stomp work.

A little stomp work never hurt nobody. Anti-matter. Go ahead and give me Anti-Matter's attack on Uncle Sam. She looks him in the eye and as he screeches like an eagle, she just says, Oh, sweetie. No.

Okay, those are big feelings. I'm going to brew some tea. Why don't we sit down and talk about it? Everyone in Brea! That's the best. What a treat. Just take it. That's amazing.

Thank you, Bria. Fix it, Paul. Devinceding. A literal best. Is that coming out of my share? Yes. Okay, that's fine. A mortally injured Uncle San goes,

yes. Energy surrounds and shreds. The American flag vest begins to fall from the sky. But before he can crash and be smothered, you see a massive wave surrounds him. Let the soft waves of the Egyptians. sea, which is the sea surrounding Greece, which again, questionably exists in this timeline.

Protect Uncle Sam as Poseidon appears beside you. What are you going to do? Well, I am going to throw a bunch of balls at Poseidon's... I have a lot of luck with throwing things in monsters' mouths. Oh, that's much better. Thank God you're here, son. What? We're going to have a... Son?

That was his dad talking to me. Oh, okay. That was supposed to be Soto Voce. We're going to have us a Trident fight. Oh, yeah. Wait, hold on. Justin made a face. Yeah, Justin, was that what you suggested to dad?

When he said that's better? Mine's better. Okay, hold on. Hold on. So you're telling me the order of events was dad said a thing about throwing balls and beside his mouth. And Justin leaned over and said something, dad said, oh, that's better. And then dad said, but wait.

Then it came up with a third even more kick-ass idea. It's irrelevant. It's irrelevant how the muse doth flitter. One, one, don't know how the muse doth flitter. Incredible. Okay, so Trident Fight. Here we go. Yeah.

I love it. Out of curiosity, Justin, what did you say? You should have a javeling thrown competition. Yeah, but I love that. But Trident Fight is the better version of it. He was right about it. I wasn't going to like pump the brakes because like Triton fight, right? I mean, like, the parts where the two Tritons like get hooked and they're like,

that's cool, man. Yeah, man. And cool hand symbol to symbolize. Coach Red. Hey, what's two Tritons. May or may not get up to. Coach Red, a single order token will wound Poseidon. A second may destroy him utterly.

And a third, if you dare be so bold, to try to pull three in a row. There's no way. You may not even have three of them. First. A brig, I just yelled, do it. Token the first. We need order.

I need a green. Beautiful green. Beautiful green. Show me that. Green fight. Wait, you, no, hold on. First of all, you keep the token. Oh, yeah, don't throw that one right.

You don't put it back. You just hold on to it, correct? Correct. Because otherwise, you'll fill up the pool. So, second token, let's see. If you want to, if you can just wound him, but if you want to try to destroy him right now, you just need another green.

Yes, yes, God, I've seen this look at his eyes before. I came here to you try to. Please emphasize me in. Wait, wait, sorry, query. Shouldn't this green go back in? Because it doesn't seem like it should be less likely, no? Wow, we made the game. Yeah.

Sorry, man. I think that was my part, so I should be able to a mandate. I wish I had a yet older brother I could have feel too. Sorry, Justin. Here we go. Second token, here we go. Big green? Yes.

Green! That's a second green. Stick the trident. It really twisted. Incredible. Um, uh, now, are you good? Can we, hold on, take a second. The idea of stabbing someone with a trident and twisting it.

Yeah. You've made a donut of a person. You turn it into a pineapple corer. I, let me tell you some about Coach Red. Okay. Red believes in the one God. Cool, man. And it ain't this guy.

Whoa, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You're saying God the father. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I prefer God the Dan. Yeah, fuck, yeah.

Clint, it's okay. You gotta let it. Hey, listen. Hold on. Hold on. With that, do you want to go for the third poll or we don't want to call it here too? Don't get fucking greedy, man.

What happens if, what happens? There will be an additional effect past destroying Poseidon. Clint. Oh my God, he's going to become the new Poseidon. Clint, Clint, Clint. Hit that in, hit that in hard. Clint, Clint.

Hit the T, Clint. Oh, God, I'm scared now. Yeah, me too. Yeah, man. Should have thought about that before you pulled out the token. Justin, you look at it. I don't want to love. Three!

Wow. Red, you... Oh, God, I just hugged any matter. Boom! Red, you surge for with the Trident. Describe what happens as you lunge forward after Poseidon. Well, I

stuck it. I twisted it. So the tines are up and down. And I ran it right up. Um, Poseidon goes, like a fish, how ironic!

As Poseidon leans backwards, you see falling and being disassembled in sexual space, he goes, I don't understand. I am the Lord of the Tides. How could you have destroyed me. And behind you, you hear, roll tide.

Whoa. I wrote that. No, Brennan did. Just now. Did the spirit of Alabama sports? The spirit of Alabama sports shows up and says, only Alabama will be the true God of the city. One of my favorite things that happens when Brennan plays with the Macaroys is Brandon will

say something like bigger will happen and he's thinking they'll fail and then we succeed and he's written a check that he has to have. And he does. You as you invoke the name of God the father. Which we all kind of knew what happened right. It's a little predictable. Only only uh you see that surging forward, the mortally injured but still alive, shrieking eagle monster of Uncle Sam looks up and says, You think you can defeat me? God's on my side. And from above you, you hear, hey kiddo, God has no nationality. And the Lord destroys Uncle Sam.

You know, I'm traveling out of the country in a couple of months. never going to get back in, am I? No, you are not. You're welcome. Yeah. However, at this exact moment, leaping from the shadows, a one-eyed German magician leaps out and says,

it's me, Uncle Drosselmeier. I'm from the nutcracker. I'm also surprised I wasn't involved in that last exchange. Okay, that's when Chip Okay, Chip Hugginsby, sprints at that guy, right? And then he sprints around him to get to screw.

Wait, it's easy to... Do you need more facts about me? We can interact. The amount of time we spend on you depends on how much time we have left in the show. Running forward, you see Scrooge. You see that you rush forward. I need a hero to live the night.

You see Scrooge sees you coming. He reaches to his run. Right, through the ghost of Christmas future. Wait. Ghost of Christmas future. Give me a ray gun from the distant future. No, wait, because I'm a Disney fan. I'm going to do the one thing I do better than anything else,

and that's ruin the magic. Because those ghosts are real. They're created by a visual effect called Pepper's Ghosts. You see, when you angle a piece of glass at a 45-degree angle and then shine lights upon mannequins that are behind the 45-degree angle, they can create the visual. illusion of ghosts dancing or appearing to dance in an empty space

in an effect, only called Pepper's ghost. Justin, you know I'm going to need three cornhole throws. Three beautiful cornhole throws. You can fucking do it, man. Put that a little less.

Two. Oh! Yeah! Bumping in the second, overhanging one with the third, Justin McRoy scores a success. A gorgeous, gorgeous throw. Anytime I can be impressive at sports in front of my dad,

it gives me a genuine, not-for-show thrill. So I do appreciate you all being here and facilitating that. You're going to be working through that for a bit. I'll be riding high, Griffin, thank you. The optical illusion of all three ghosts is shattered as by mirror glass. Leaving a 19th century, landlord has your only opponent. And then I reach

into my... Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I reach into my holster and I pull out of a colorful good and I say, don't worry, it's a small hole. You pull out a gun, no pull necessary. You blast Scrooge away.

Thank you very much. He looks and goes, tell me, what day is it? It's the day at your funeral. Scrooge is fucking dead. Leaving. Sorry, let me try again. It's the day to sell your curtains.

Yeah, that's good. That's good shit. Air 5. Thank you. Uncle Drosselmeyer turns around and says, Quickly, someone establish a relationship with me. I haven't done one yet. Do you want?

Yes, let's... All right. I would love to have us... What's... Tell me, you got to give me fucking anything about you, Uncle. Okay, okay, okay. So in the ballet, there is a toy, the nutcracker. Yeah.

There's like a mouse king who's in some versions like a rat. That's crazy. So is there something with like rat and meat and folk? I think it's crazy that you guys are doing the literal thing that is going on in your brains, but you're going to get out of out. Brian and I are just fucking talking, right? There's got to be something like a rat guy, right? And you're an actual magician. You do actual magic.

Yes, I'm a true sorcerer, but I do it. I use. The dark secrets of magic to make toys that come to life and make my niece have a horrible time. No, no, wait. I mean, I do a very similar thing, but with the forbidden means, it seems like we, you know what? You like arcane tomes and texts and stuff? Because I got a bunch of them. I love arcane tombs.

Check this out. I pull out the George Foreman and I open it up and I'm like, contained within this book is. Secrets! Oh, yes. Certainly a grill would never open like a book. No, no, why would it? This is no grill. All right.

But I'm going to have to get close to be able to read it. Yeah, get real, real close. You're going to need it. The type is crazy. And to be fair, Brennan, he is wearing an iPad to his depth reception issues. Yeah, yeah. He gets in and says, okay,

I only have seen grease stains. Are the letters going to reveal themselves? Yeah, they reveal themselves. Did I tell you the name of my magic book? What is it? Oh, it's the Grill Merillian, and I smash his face in it. Griffin voluntarily throwing beanbags. Swish.

Nothing but net. A swish from, you'll get him next time, champ. He's going from the middle. Oh, he's stepping back. From I love you son. Dad, you have to love him. Uncle Drosselmeyer with a George Foreman grill. Clint McElroy has to love Griffin McEloy.

You heard it here first. Clem McRoy now has to love Griffith. I love you, son. First time for everything. I started to pretend it was for me, but even that felt wrong. It's so bitter to hear it out loud. I know, Gritrave, I know, bud. I know.

I know it's possible now, but it wasn't for me. He can physically say the syllables. Get fucking good at Cornhole. I'm so out of breath. Do you know this is the longest running adventure zone story? It is. It started in 2019. It's true.

Sorry, go ahead. As the villainous uncle Droselmeyer, the concept of this magical strange uncle has the George Forman grill close on his head, searing flesh, he cries out, ah, now I know what all those nuts felt like. Bam! Wait, no, don't know.

Wait, wait, wait, many questions. Bring you back, bring him back, real quick. I got a lot of questions. I can see of him coming back for 30 seconds. What do you mean, man? Well, the movement of a George Forman grill cracking a skull is sort of a lot like a nut cracker. Do you have a nut thing and your, is there a nut thing? A nut thing?

Nutcracker. Oh, I get it now. Nut Cracker. So, all right. It's not, yeah, it's not like an expression. That's 30. That's 30. All right.

See you later. See you later, Uncle Cracker. I'm fucking dead. On. On that success, Brickette, you shut the grill, have defeated the last of the ultimate uncles. In this moment, you feel all of the sorcery of Uncle Drosselmeyer flow through your nostrils. You have cooked the forbidden meat of man and stolen the powers of a rival wizard. in this moment

the uncle defeated in distant space you see Walton Goggins standing up you guys asked me six years ago to come run a game called the dad land

I'm into it I'm so into it all we want is a semicolon you gave me a garbage bag full of question marks And said, Mulligan, get to work, okay? Okay. And six years and four episodes later.

We love it. And one, several children. Yeah, many children. Yeah, a lot more kids. One of us who wasn't a dad is one. Yeah, yeah. I didn't pull Walton Goggins here. You put Walton Goggins here.

I'm sorry, but you said the magic of Uncle Dross. Okay, let him wait. The uncle from the nutcracker. Yeah, yeah, we got there. Now, Walton Goggins, who is in conceptual space time, created by now dead uncle physicists, is still being blasted by a summoned fart, okay? There are people in the audience that look like they're trying to recover their grip on.

Yeah. Now, now. And failing. Yeah. Now, in this moment, you see Goggins. His cheeks rippling, his beautiful dental work, his beautiful white teeth on rippling cheeks being blasted by a fart, looks out in horror and goes, not the treasure.

Brickette, you also look and see in this moment the unclear, this ear-shaped singularity and behind it, much like Chip you hear, Dad? That's my name. Don't wear it out. Goggins points to the ear. Something about the uncle ear, the uncle ear. He's pointing at it and saying, the treasure, but you don't see it.

In this moment, the magic of Uncle Drosselmeyer filling your grilled dad hands, you must make a choice on that cornhole throw from I love you, son. you can either use the magic of Uncle Drosselmeyer to permanently destroy your arch nemesis Walton Goggins or give up that most needed vengeance

and turn your eyes to the voice behind the evuncularity. You must choose now. I have learned so much on our quest before I thought the only only power was the power granted to us by the ashen gods of the charcoal pit. Now I know different.

There's one thing important in this life, Walton, and you never understood that. That's the fireworks from the Angels game next door. I knew it would work out. Keep going. Keep going. I say there's no power in this world more important than family. And sometimes, Walton, sometimes Walton, a family

is just four dads. And I kill Walton Gaggins. As Walton Gagins, real life character actor, Walton Gagins is unmade. Living man, living man, a guy who might hear this Walton Gagins. Oh my God, can you imagine?

That'd be the fucking coolest shit ever. Humiliated. You see, the firework. him Walton Goggins being mad at us? We have to end this while the fireworks are happening. The fire, you see that the, the fireworks uncles come back from the dead. Yay! The lost uncles come back.

Walton Goggins is unraveled. I can't believe that's the call you made. Revenge. Chokie returns to you. Oh, Brickett. I'm so sorry. I missed you so much, Chokie. I made a horrible little ground.

Ground. Ground keys or ground keys. goes, I don't know my ass, no one gives a shit about me. Brennan? Yes. I would like to offer up. The fireworks are getting so loud, man. Yeah. With the power of the fireworks drawing me in.

Yes. And thinking how great it would be to impress someone. Yeah. That wasn't another adult. Yeah. That could do that themselves. I would like to offer up my two last law tokens. to reset the GPS

towards the sound beyond the unclear. Thank God, man. You seem different, guy. Sorry, man, what? Oh my God, he's kind of full deadbeat. With? Underneath me forms a motorcycle. Wait.

Which I revved twice and ride off into the distance. No. You ride off into the distance. the distance, marking the way towards the evuncularity, towards the unclear. In that unclarity, you go full deadbeat. Fireworks. Conveniently. In this moment, in this moment, the four dads, our four dads are fractured. One of your dads has been lost to the forces of deadbeat, giving everything he can to find that voice. There is a treasure I have men

multiple times. We will end here on a cliffhanger unless unless in this moment unless in this moment we will end on a cliffhanger where

Guy disappears full deadbeat motorcycle over the horizon abandoning his three dads to what end we will not possibly know. We will end on that cliffhanger unless any of you knows my hidden secret the puzzle, the treasure.

In this moment, if any of you can, if any of you know how to produce the treasure of the unclear. And I think I know. Rickett. It's from the ancient magics that I learned in the Ashen University. I just kind of reach up and say,

what's that behind there? Not, not yet. And I get, A law token back from behind my ear brings me back from the brain. And I say, none of the other three of us know how to drive a car. Oh, yeah.

Okay, cool, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The treasure made real. The unclear reveals behind it, the entrance beyond the avuncularity to ever, ever land. The land of children. That's all for our show.

Thank you all so much. You've been fucking rad.