The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Ethersea - Episode 16

Episode Date: November 11, 2021

The Abyssal Auction: Part Three Let the money fight commence! As our turquoise heroes bid to claim their quarry, their opponents move against them, mostly because of the many terrible impressions they made in the previous episode.Additional music in this episode: "Piano Improvisation" by Moon Finger https://soundcloud.com/moonfinger; "The Whisper" by Pipe Choir III www.pipechoir.com; and "Night I" by Swelling https://swelling.bandcamp.com Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Ethersea. Please enjoy our complimentary food and beverage service while you wait to be ushered into the auction hall. Give me a bad version of what they got or the worst wine you have. I do not care. Class broke me up. Three glasses from the skunknuts vintage. The way that the silver stags over there, the way that they stand, I think that they might be chaperones. The golden hound dogs, what could be so great that keeps bringing them back?

over and over. What they mostly buy is like almost extinct stuff. The best thing you can do with the amount of money that you have now is drive up the price on every other thing. So if they want what you're selling, I can drive up the price on that. You get that knife in your body easy. Is there something else that you get greedy to get? Tongs! What are you doing here?

I got to piss so bad. I'm so sorry. Did I go the wrong way? Why don't you come with us, ma'am? Please make your way to the auction hall. We are ready to begin. Devo and Zooks. You all see the crowd shuffle in to these.

The regular crowd shuffles in. Yes. And the old man sits next to me. Oh, his lawyers are here. Having sex with his tonic and gin. That's what he does. Basically, a wall of doors opens. slides open, revealing the other half of this sort of big circular chamber. And the other half of the

room is just hardwood floors with aisles of chairs, almost like a, almost like a wedding. And at the very front of the room, I guess furthest from where you all are standing, there is a podium set up on a stage. And in front of that podium, there are five pedestals. Each one is covered by a black cloth. And behind that podium is yet again another one of these stewards in the white holographic vapor suit, you know, outfit with a big pyramid for a head. And he is sort of nodding at everyone as they walk in and take their seats. What do you two do? Griffin, I would like to, and I don't know if it's Arcana or investigation. Oh. But I know that in the beginning, right, when we first got there. The voice said like not to do any magic, if any magic was like detected, right? I would get in trouble. The exact wording was witnessed by one of the staff here. Okay.

Okay. When the things open, right? When the doors open. Yeah. I want to see if I can observe like the participants close enough to see if I can notice any interest or intention from them towards any particular. lot or any particular pedestals. I don't think that there's anything that they can give through just sort of like body language walking into a room. Just because everybody's dressed up like a big, you know, a mama's character. So what are you all doing? I'm, I want to, do I see the person in the cobalt suit? Yeah, they're walking into. I want to sit behind wherever they sit.

Okay. Zooks? Um, Zooks is going to sit directly behind the three golden wolves. Uh, okay. We'll say that all of those are sort of on the left cluster of seats. You all are sitting fairly close, close together. And then the, the doors behind you all shut as the final participants walk into the room and take their seats. And the in-se... There is a thought passes through Devo's mind of...

Yes. I wonder where Amber is. Yeah. The DMC bangs a gavel on the podium and says, welcome, honored guests, welcome to our abyssal auction. We are very happy to have you. Please keep in mind the rules as we move forward, particularly the final rule where don't buy anything you don't have money for. We will have one hour after the event to settle up for the winning participants, after which point you will, of course, be dismissed from the station and free. to go in order. We don't want all of you leaving at the same time, seeing each other's ships and ruining the many steps we take to ensure your anonymity. It's Hollywood. It's Hollywood.

I've made it. Today, as you can see, we have five lots up for auction. We're very excited for some of the items we've got on sale today. I anticipate a rambunctious. Devo raises his hand. We have not started yet. No, I was just wondering. Are any of the lots a gym that you can kiss and become friends with a dinosaur?

Oh, you're talking about the Emerald of Smutosaurus Rex. Yes. I have no spoilers. Oh, boy. Yeah. Thank you. We don't usually do that, like a question-and-answer thing before we get started. And so everyone's aware, once we do get started with the auctions,

raising your hand represents that you are placing a... bid on an item, so do be careful about that. Any other, I guess as long as we're doing this, it's unorthodox, but any other questions? Zook raises his hand. Yes, there, Seahorse. No, I was only trying out the whole bidding thing. I wanted to make sure that was what you're supposed to do. Okay, why don't we do this? We'll go around the room and everyone get a few practice bids in. Just raise your, yep, that's good. That's good. Yes, like that. Yellow Smiley face, Are you going to? No, not right now.

Okay. Awesome. Was that it? Oh, that was, mm-hmm. Okay, fantastic. The silver stags, one of them raises their hand, and the MC says, yes. And the stag actually stands up and walks up to the podium and whispers something in the MC's ear. And he just kind of turns and looks and says, that's not going to be possible.

And the stag turns and walks back to their seat. And the emce says, well, with that out of the way, let's begin. At least bangs his gavel down on the podium. Amber, how are you? You tell me, bud. I don't know. You tell me. Okay, I told you at the end of the last episode, and you also made this come true.

You are in a bathroom. And you've been in here for a minute or so, and guarding the door outside waiting for you to finish that nasty business is one of the, security detail that caught you taking those, taking those goggles. This is where I thrive. Okay. All right. Let's see. Go ahead and let me do investigation to see my exits from the bathroom.

Sure. Oh, man. 17. Hmm. Now that doesn't mean that will make exits. Yeah. It doesn't mean that I won't miss any. You can't bore tons.

into the wall with your mind. Well, now, hold on. Are you sure? I'll give you something with this. Maybe not something incredibly useful, but there are, there's a stall in here, a single stall with a dead bolt lock on the inside of it. That is, you know, tall enough that it would, you know, hide you if that is the route you wanted to take. there are also two cupboards like on ground level that you think if you you know maybe took some of the stuff out of them you could squirrel away in there there is like a vent in the ceiling but it is like not big enough for for you to fit in you assume you could you also like there's a toilet you can flush yourself down there but that would be that would be pretty that would be pretty wild um there's there's there's there's a There's no lock on the, like, door into this restroom, only on the inside of the stall.

So, you have, you assume, until this guard's patience runs out to figure something out. So, yes, no exits, a few hiding spots. Maybe not the news you were looking for, but that's what you got going on in here. Cubboards are attached to wall or no? They are attached to, they're like underneath the sink. There's like two sinks here and there's, yeah. I'm going to lie on the ground and piss my pants Huh

Yeah, let me think, hold on, give me one second I'm going to open up the D&D Dungeon Master rule book real quick Let me No, it's not in this part Hold on I remember seeing something about Pissing your pants

I don't have to roll to piss my pants If I remember in balance Merle had to take damage For pissing his pants one Well, okay, here's the thing I have definitely established concretely

that I've not only drank but I've drank a solid amount of alcohol and of skunk nuts which we know goes right

right directly through it and that's what their slogan good skunk nuts wine it's made of grapes

and it's running through you like a wild ape you're gonna love this ten um okay

this is the wine that you're standing skunk nuts here's how I'm gonna here's how I'm gonna do this Justin Here's how I'm going to do it.

I lie on the floor and piss my pants. It's hard to piss your own pants on command. So I'll give you advantage on this. Give me a second. I will give you this. You have said that you've had a lot of beverages and you did need to use the bathroom. So I'll give you advantage on this role.

But this is you battling your own reflexes to not piss your pants. I'm going to make this a wisdom saving throw against your own sort of desire to have clean dry clothes. Amber also came from a world where she was at sea a lot. She was in wetsuits being forced to piss her own pants to keep her body warm. Now this seems like revisionist history. You're telling me as a fisher person. It ever came up.

But it was part of the on the job training? I mean, I had to battle the blink sharks in the water. I'm not giving you double advantage. You have advantage on this role. It's a DC-10. You're fine. It's a DC-10 wisdom saving throw. Okay.

Okay. Everybody calm down. This would be the funniest result ever, by the way, if you fail this. Come on. Well, if your pants had been pissed in. A wisdom saving throw? Yeah, your wisdom saving throw. It's a plus three for you.

It's a 19 plus three. I mean, you start to lay down and you realize you've been pissing your pants for like 15 seconds. Next time I have a bad roll when I need it. I'm going to remember one time I rolled a 19 to piss my own pants. All right. Now, did you roll the advantage because you could get it 20 and really? Oh, that's a great point. Yeah.

Let me see what the advantage would be. You could really disrepidant. I don't know what a critical piss is. I think he. Is it 18 plus 3, 21? I was always going to piss the pants. In every reality, I've checked, you piss the pants. In every dimension, in every permutation of our own reality, you piss the pants.

Dr. Strange in the multiverse of madness. Right. Those were two good roles. So I will say that there was such volume that it has passed beyond your pants and through the sort of holographic barrier. And so there is a visible, a visible mess now. And there's a knock at the door saying, are you, are you almost finished? The auction started. I really need to get you squared away before I can go take my post back.

Silence. Hello? Just knock at the door. Okay. I'm going to, I am going to come in there now. and it's important for me to know that you know I've said that out loud for like many, many legal reasons. So is that okay? Okay.

I'm just going to open the door really slow then. And he starts opening the door really slow. And it's only like a few inches open. We says, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, God. Oh, God. Uh, now, to be fair, Griffin, is a well-known fact that skunknots smells the same going out as a disgusting. Going in. Yeah.

He creeps toward you and looks down. And he is going to, he wants to like check your vitals and stuff, but he's also very, very wary. What I want you to do is with advantage, because again, there's so much piss. Make a persuasion roll. A persuasion. Persuasion roll of, that's five. Six minus one, a five. am a 14 minus 130

Okay good not great He here's what he does He is going to approach you But also he reaches behind his back And he pulls out like a baton Like a white baton With a blue sort of stripe of light Running up the length of it

And so he's got that in one hand And his left hand sort of outstretched Like approaching your Well the holograph of your neck to try and like make sure you're alive. And so he does that. He reaches forward and puts his hand on your, on the side of your neck to feel your pulse. And he's got his little like hurting staff out?

It's, I mean, it's small. It's like a baton than a big staff. It was like a cattle prod kind of thing with like an electricity at the end? Or is it just like a. You can't see the electricity at the end, but like there's something going on with this thing because it looks magical. But he's approaching me. with his weapon out? Yeah, in one hand, his hand on your, you know, your, oh, he's pretty close, huh? I mean, he's got his hand on you. Um, great. I'm not going to move. Oh, wow. Okay.

He pulls back and says, well, you're, you're breathing. Uh, oh, God, I really, I really don't. I'm going to, I start coughing. I start coughing. Oh, gee, oh my God. Are you okay. Are you okay? What's going? What do you... Choking. She's choking. Oh, God. Okay.

Oh, gross, gross, gross. Gross. Okay, he reaches over to the, like, paper towel dispenser and grabs some to try and, like, line his hands with them. And then he reaches down and, like, scoops an arm under your shoulder and an arm under your thigh to try and, like, roll you on your side. Great. Now I grab his weapon and jamming into his neck. Oh, boy. He's deaf-o, not expecting it now.

He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. This is good. Okay, to make this fair, it's just going to be a straight-up decks contest. But again, for this elaborate thing you've set up, you will have advantage for it. That is a 13 plus 417 or a 6 plus 410.

So I will go with the 17. We tied. Ooh. You tied. You know what it is? You get your hand on the baton, and he holds on firm to it. And you see, well, no, you can't. I can't see his face, but he rears back and gasps. And now you all are both kind of having a little tug of war happening here in the restroom.

She's, they're both fighting, right? Yeah. And then she uses a key point to use her psychic fists to push even harder. You're just pushing. You're trying to grab this out of his hands. You're not. I'm just trying to attack him. You know what?

Okay, real quick. I think I could do this in the heat of the moment. I want to do a... To see if I know anything about the nature of this weapon. Yeah. Arcana or history? It would be Arcana. 18.

Wow. Okay. I don't know how you know... I guess you know stuff about weapons, right? You don't necessarily know stuff about magic shit. Oh, you know what it is? You have some familiarity with the chaperones. Like, you've been in the city. whole life and you know you were there when the chaperones were founded on on the shore side uh this is a this is similar to something that the chaperones carry around as a peacekeeping you know weapon it is

it is a essentially a stun baton you also know uh that they are a one-time thing before they need to recharge. Perfect. So, yes, you know that about the weapon. Okay. Then I am using my extra fists, four arms to push the, to attempt to son him. With his own baton?

Yeah. No, with my wit. Okay. Again, because you're using double the arms, I will give you advantage on this, but now it's a strength contest. 14 plus 4, 18, 5 plus 4. Yeah, I mean, you got it. This dude skipped Arm Day at the gym for many consecutive gym days. He rolled a two.

Is he out? Yeah, I'm not going to make you roll an attack roll on this because you just made so many roles to make this maneuver happen. But you push it into his neck and that blue line, it like shoots up toward the tip of the baton. I'm going to make him do just a con save. It would be a very high one, but no, that's a critical failure. There's more. There's extra piss on the floor now. but he is out

and actually where did you where did you jab him with it in the neck? In the neck, okay then he goes down like a sack of bricks and turns into some regular

just brown haired dude in like a black jumpsuit as his hologram fades his collar snaps off from the back and falls to the floor and you can see now that there is like

a clasp that you have you know somehow de, activated by zapping this thing right the fuck on it. So yeah, this dude is outskies. Great. I am going to swap our clothes. Yeah, I mean, it's six and one and a half dozen the other.

They're very, there's pissed up in both. Because he pissed his fans too. Yeah, sure, yeah. Well, then never mind. I'll just steal his collar. Okay. You've got his collar now. Do I look like him?

Are you putting it on? Yeah. You don't really have any way to get. Sorry, I just established this, but you, you know, it would take something to get your collar off. Because it took the electronic force of this stumboton to get his. Huh. Interesting. Okay.

Yeah. I mean. What would happen if you wore both? Good question. No way of knowing. I don't think I want to risk that. Does he have anything else on him? That's a good question.

Why don't you, uh, what? know what, he's unconscious. He would be doing not have to roll this. It's a letter from his dad that says, I'm so proud of the fact that you've never pissed your pencil for it. It's like that one thing you've got, son, that you can always hold on to. Even as a child, you wouldn't use diapers. Well, you already got the baton off of him, and I can roll up a, you know, stat sheet for it

here in a second. I'm not sure if it would be any better than your fists, but it probably probably would. So, yes, you have that. there is there's an earpiece in his head not in his head in his ear it is kind of like the ones that you saw desdemona wearing when you went to her shop almost like like headphones style thing but it's just one one earpiece with like almost clockwork wheels spinning around on the outside of it and yeah I think that's it she doesn't have like a key card or any sort of like keys at all not that you can see no dang okay Well, I'll put the earpiece in. Okay. I want to investigate the prod to see if I can figure out how it charges. You look at it and you can actually see that the blue line on it is already starting to sort of grow back.

Yeah, you get the sense that, I mean, quick math. There's not a math check. I would say, you know, maybe 10 minutes. It would be charged up again. How does the door open and close? To the bathroom? Yeah. It just swings in toward you.

Does it lock? No, there's no lock on the door. Okay, I'm just going to prop him and me up against the door and wait. Okay, cool. Then let's jump back to the auction. Before we do, just in honor of how important the pants pissing was, I have taken upon myself to set the fourth rule of ethercy as skunknuts wine goes through you like an ape.

Okay. That's fair. That's more of a slogan. But I like it. I think it's fun. I think it's fun to see that on our bill of rights, on our Old Testament covenant with the listeners. I like that.

So this MC gestures to another one of these pyramid folks who walks over and removes, the first cloth from the first pedestal. And the MC says, this is a... I've been doing this for many years now. This is one of the more exotic items that we've had for sale. It is a bottle, not just a bottle, the last known bottle of the Hartfield Bordeaux. This is from an... to us, ancient surface vintage.

It is one of the most highly sought after bottles of any liquid that exist in the world. And as such, I expect, we will have a very competitive auction for it. I will open up the bidding at 50 lux. And there's a silence over the crowd as everybody kind of starts looking around at each other, waiting for the first person to bid. and nobody does. So the golden wolves raise their hand, and they say, 50 Lux. Devo raises his hand and says, 60.

Cobalt Star looks around behind you and sees you and kind of gives you a little nod. Without missing a beat, the golden wolves, you know, the main one, the not angry looking wolf raises his hand and says, 100 Lux. Devo turns around and looks at them and says, oh, something to prove. 125 lucks. Without missing a beat, as if they have been pushed by your statement. They say 200. I want, okay, I want to try to read their tone of voice when they say 200. I mean, okay, I will tell you now, high DC.

You do not have much info to work on. Yes, but counterpoint, as an orator, it is literally my line of study. That's sure, that's sure. Okay, not as high a DC. but still a decent one. Okay. Go ahead and roll. 15 plus 6, 21.

They are simultaneously annoyed and excited. This is, as you have been told in the past, this is a money fight, and you get the sense that these golden wolves have never really had anybody stand up to them before. Fine.

250. Let's have a charisma contest. That's a plus three for you. you. Oh, fuck. I mean, you beat me, son. We're all doing vocal naps. Yeah. That was a three for the golden wolves and an eight for Devo. The golden wolf that has been speaking turns and looks at you for a long time.

And then the MC says 250 lungs going once. And then the wolf says, 300. Zooks leans forward and speaks to the wolves and says, Man, I am so glad you did that. If you could have heard the shit, he was talking about you guys a few minutes ago, about how he was going to kick your ass in this auction. I don't know what his beef is with you, but he said he will not lose this auction. Zooks, make an intimidation check.

Intimidation? Yeah. Okay. 12. 12? Okay. The golden wolf just seems to ignore you. Just seems to like brush you off.

And the emce says 300 to the golden wolf going once, going twice, sold to the golden wolves for 300 luck. And someone comes up from the white pyramid contingent and wheels the pedestal away with the bottle of wine. And the golden wolf stands up and loves. stands up and looks at you square in your scale head and Devo is going to do

a sincere bow of deference huh okay and say ah I know when I've been beat he

he's good you can hear him chuckle as he sees you you know genuflect and he says you were

beaten before you even walked into the room and turns back around and sits back down. The MC then says, okay. Under the mask, under the scale mask, Devo rolls his eyes real fucking hard.

Okay. The MC says, and now on to our next lot up for auction and the, you know, assistant Stint walks up and pulls the cloth off of the second pedestal. And you almost have to stand up to be able to see what is on this pedestal. It is a small, almost like playing, like a deck of playing card sized, black, rectangular lump of metal.

And the MC says, this is, I know I said this about the last item, but this is, well, it is the rarest metal known to mortal kind. It is an authentic fragment of the body of Coda, whose material was harvested to create the biggest baby. Only the most skilled artisan can utilize it to create anything that could be a bit more practical than just a lump of metal, but it is still an incredible find, and today we will be starting the auction at 10 Lux. Devo raises his hand. Ten lux. One of the silver stags confers with the other one and raises his hand and says,

15 lux. 20 lux. The emce waits for a moment and looks at the silver stags. And they turn and look at each other. And then they turn and look back at you. And then they stand up. And they turn to start walking out of the room. And the emcee says, 20 lux, going once.

It'll be nice to have my own competition for the biggest baby. Make a, what would you say you're trying to do right now? I'm trying to make like a persuasion roll. I think that's what it is. You're trying to persuade them into, um, to raise to the bait. Right, exactly. Okay, make a, uh, shit, I know you're only saying that because your persuasion roll is insane. Yes, a 10 plus 7, 17.

Hmm. They stop. and one of them turns around without conferring with the other one and says, 22 Lux. And the auctioneer looks like his head cocks quizzically. And he says, OK, a strange number, but the bidding is at 22 Lux, going once, going twice, sold to the silver stags.

And one of them looks really pissed off at the one. one that just did that, that just took it up to 22. And the one who did the bidding just, like, nods him off and walks up to try and take it until the assistant wheels it away really quickly. The MC says, uh, uh, uh, uh, settlement will happen after the, after the proceedings. Um, please take your seats. Um, and they don't do that. They turn and walk out of the room. And the MC says, well, then, sort of a strange way of doing things, but, uh, I suppose we shouldn't let it hold us up. Let's move on.

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We nailed it. Amber. We'll say it's been 10 minutes. The rod has, the baton has now. charge back up. Cool. I want to try to use the baton to disengage my necklace. I'm going to give you the choice.

You did this same thing to the person who is now completely unconscious in the turlet, so I don't know how you guarantee that you do this to do the thing you want to do without doing the thing you don't want to do, which is knock yourself unconscious. So maybe a slight of hand check. I'm willing to negotiate this with you. this with you because it's a, it is an attack on yourself, essentially. Yeah. Um, could you insulate?

Um, I can't imagine that, how loose is it? Like, could I get some fabric in there or something? Um. Like if I already take his shirt. Yeah, sure. Yeah, you could, yeah, I'm gonna try that just to give myself a little bit of padding. I have no idea if that'll work. Sure.

I won't use his pants for obvious reasons. They're wet, more conductive, bad. And I would move out of the puddle of piss just to be safe. Damn, I actually thought about that, that. You solved my puzzle. Yeah. Okay. I will step out of the puddle of piss.

Right. And you're taking some of his shirt cloth. I'm tucking it. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Okay. Now make a, you know what?

Just make an attack roll against yourself. What an unarmed strike? Oh, oh, here it is. Because it is padded, make a disadvantaged attack roll on yourself. Okay. An arm strike?

Yes. I would say, yeah, it's a plus four. If you give me the stats on the thing, I can... Plus four? Yeah. Okay, that's my unarm strike too. That's a 15 plus 4.19. Probably, yeah.

And a 9 plus 4. or 13. What's your Armish class? 15. Oh, then you're, yeah, you're okay. Woo! It definitely,

you feel it is, it's weird and bad. It's like when you touch like an exposed, you know, or an ungrounded like piece of metal and you feel that,

that bad feeling, but very quickly, the, uh, the aquamarine choker that you had on sort of unsnaps and also falls to, well, you probably catch it because you're who you are.

Um, and you got it off. Great. I'm going to snap mine onto him and his onto me. Fun. Okay, yeah, you do that. And now you see an aquamarine blink shark now laying in the floor and some people. I'm going to jam that blink shark right into the commode.

Okay. Okay. Not like into the toilet, but like in. Give a swirling. Jesus, great. You want to get a fucking chainsaw and grind him up. I mean, are you swirling him? Because you must remember this gentleman is on the same.

me into the, so I can close the, is there not a stall? There is a stall, yeah. Okay, I'm putting you in the stall. That's the word for it. Yeah, it's, yeah, you wonder, just so we're clear, you understand why that did confuse me.

Yeah, you're saying the commode, which, yeah. Also, he's the, if anyone detects it, it will be so fucking wild because, you know what? So what kind of clothing is this thing? Like, what does it making me look like now? You are looking, you now look like one of those, like,

plain white pyramid-headed, like, stewards. Okay. And it's making like, what is it, robes or what is it? No, I mean, it's, it is literally just a almost featureless, like holographic. Like the shields from 1984, do. Sure. I don't know. No, it just, it looks, you look vaguely like a streamlined stay puff marshmallow person, uh, but with a pyramid for a head. Like, it's not, it's not, I got to, I got to ditch my pants. Okay. They're soaked in piss. Sure. Yeah. All right. So you're Gotta ditch my pants. So now you are bottomless, except you have a hologram around you.

Yeah. Awesome. That's the deal. That's the deal. That's cool. Next thing is got to get pants. Hey, pal, make sure your neck doesn't get zapped or else it's going to lead to a pretty buck wild, uh, turn for this story that we're telling right now.

Okay, as, as you get all that squared away and you throw your pants in the garbage. Oh, no, no, no, throw them around the feet of the guy in the stall. Okay. Yeah. I want double the piss mistake. Right, sure, good. You hear a voice in that earpiece, and it says, Osmond, is everything taken care of?

Did you get, did you get that blink shark to the main office? Osmond, are you, come in? She's dead. Now, hold on. You took a long pause. I had to be sure, but she's dead. You, you. No, it, I.

I think it's, I think we've got a poisoning on our hands. Oh, boy. Did you remove her collar? How do you know that, how do you know that she's a she? Did you take off her collar? You ever see that movie, maybe sin of a woman? All right. I just experience the inverse.

He says, uh, uh, okay, you, I don't know what to tell you, Osmond. This is not, why did you, what happened? I don't know, but don't go. in here it's a crime scene. Okay. I'm gonna see into the future and say by the end of this episode there will be six to seven unconscious

or dead security guards in this bathroom. It's gonna be like an hitman where you just hide all the bodies in one closet. I mean, fuck, just make a performance check. And I'm really sorry that I'm making you do that again because I know you don't, you're not good at it. You're trying. Four minus one, three.

Fair. Okay. Are you still in the bathroom? No, I'm out. Are you, is who's asking? This is the security guard. Okay. Yeah, but don't come in.

My fingerprints are everywhere. All right, Amber's walking out. She's walking out. Okay. I'm just, hey, listen, I'm just fucking with you. There's no way. There's no way. I was wrong.

You were wrong about her being dead? She's just messed out really bad For Boos By the way This laughing is happening In character For sure No it's not

Okay okay Okay He says I'm going to come And I'm gonna come help you I'm worried that you might have Some sort of shock Happening right now

Because of what you've done The terrible crime Here's all I ask Just give me 10, maybe 9.5 minutes to collect myself. I'm on my way, he says. So what do you do? I get so good.

I mean, I get so far with the stuff. I know, I know. It's only to come collapsing down around your ears at the very end. I get so close. One bad role, you know, in the whole thing. Now, Justin, let's not blame this all on the dice, because your response to how's it going in there was, she's dead.

She's dead. Just for post game Not to be a Monday morning quarterback But she's fine Yeah I took care of it Would have been a much better answer All taken care of Yeah

Oh but then he asked your presenter Yeah Why? She's not fine Bring her in for questioning Yeah Like I don't have a good I'm just stalled

I'm like Here's the thing about Amber Yeah Amber is thinking No steps ahead Right Yeah of course Thinking about the exact next

Five seconds Sure Right now I think Yes, she's going to leave the bathroom Okay, cool. And walk away from it. Toward what? The...

Do you need some reminders of the map? No, because I've got the security room she could walk towards. Yes, which the other security guard would be walking out of. Right. Right. What's the other direction? There is the access tunnel down to the dock. down below. There is the kitchen slash vault that you saw behind the bar. I will tell you just because

now you are back in the main room, it is, it's like totally cleared out in here. The bartender is still there working the bar. And there is now a very, you know what? There's like three or four white pyramid folks near the catering table. And you hear one of them say, yeah, man, like, is like, They call it the cost of living. Isn't that bullshit that you have to pay money to live? And it's like we are, we made up these numbers, you know? And some people have bigger numbers. And so they get to treat us like garbage and make us work long hours.

I think that's garbage. And all of them start chanting, fuck work, fuck work, fuck work. Wow, is that Jeremy, by the way? It was Jeremy the one leading this edition? Oh, I knew it. This revolution. I knew it. Yeah.

So that's, that's, and then, of course, there is, like, the wall of doors that you did not see open where, but you can definitely hear the auction taking place behind it. May I ask a question? Yeah. All of the white pyramid people look exactly the same, right? I mean, there is height differences, but that is, well, height differences, but that's like, other than that, yeah, they are all, they are all identical. Okay. I'm going to make my way into the auction. Okay.

Just slipping in through a door. Yeah. Okay. Just walking in through the door. Okay. One of the doors slides open, actually, as you get close to it without you even having to touch it. And you actually hear a very quiet, low beep from your collar as you go through. And there are a couple of white pyramids guarding, like that wall as you enter, but they just look at you and give you a little nod and turn back to the auction, which we are also going to turn back to. Guarding what? The wall of doors. Guarding the interest that I just came through? Yes. Okay. Now let's also return to the auction. the third cloth comes off the third item and you all see a where are the items coming from uh they are they are all lined up in front of the stage okay yeah they are being taken back to somewhere right once the bidding on that item is done yes you i'll give you this you see them wheel out uh and through the door in the sliding like wall of doors through a door there and back out into the back out somewhere that you can't quite see the third cloth comes off And the emce says, this one is maybe not the most exotic.

I feel like I should start rating these by their exoticity. This is actually an item that was left here by one of our former buyers. It is a lantern, but not just any lantern. Oh, no. It's magical. Can you even imagine? It is a lantern that sheds A lot here

Hit it hit it Tony And the assistant turns the lantern on And it is so freaking bright in here Just like it fills the room And some people like recoil Make a perception check Everyone Fuck a two plus three

A five Zook's is 16 plus 1 17 Yep yep Then Zooks you noticed this I have a 16 Okay, Amber, you notice this too. Your eyes, I guess, you know, once they turn the light off, your eyes clear up a little bit. And you notice that those five red cubes, they did not flinch when that light went up.

He says, the MC says, it doesn't just shed light, though, if someone's trying to do a sneaky bad one to you. It will also reveal invisible creatures and objects as long as they are contained within the lantern's light. and he lowers the hood and the auctioneer says okay we'll start the bidding at let's say five luxe kind of under his breath to himself Zook says but loud enough for the golden wolves

to hear he says oh there it is that's the one he wants Zooks you keep teeing these up baby that's gonna be a deceptione a big deception check 16 fuck me

damn that's pretty good, though. Okay, they shrug and the wolf just raises his hand and says, well, we'll do five lux. What is five lux? I don't even know that number. It's so small. Does this get any reaction from the red cubes? Make a, make a investigation check if you are keeping your eye on them, which you wouldn't be because you did fail that check. No. No, yeah, but the 20, that's, I mean, that's a very, very good role to find out that. 22. Yeah. It's a 22, but. They don't, they don't, they don't react to anything as far as you can tell. Okay.

The auctioneer says, oh, okay. Devo, five luxes. Devo raises his hand and says eight luxes. They look back at you now like, kind of annoyed that you, they say, uh, nine looks, nine looks, the golden wolf says. I obviously can I obviously can't compete with you Cobalt Star raises the hand he says

I'll do 15 and the auctioneer looks surprised and says oh um okay this is not your lot so I suppose you can bid on it 15 lux uh going once going twice Zook says 18

Oh oh wow 18 Why are you two not sitting together Okay, it's not my, it's not my thing. 18 lux, I suppose. Going once, going twice. The golden wolf raises his hand. It says 25 lux.

25 going once, going twice. Sold to the golden wolves, making out like bandits. And the golden wolf stands up and looks around as if to look and see if anybody's proud of him. And that doesn't work. And he says, no, hey, Devo gives him a. of a little genuflect. He just kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and sits back down. And the auctioneer says, okay, little anticlimactic, but now let's move on to the fourth item.

And he throws it open. And you all see sort of stood up on a tiny little display case is a very weary looking, very, kind of small journal. It is leather bound, but like not in any kind of fancy. way. And in fact, the leather looks like it has been through a, you know, a meat grinder. But the pages look intact, as far as you can tell from this far away. And the auctioneer says, this is, for a certain type of collector, quite a find. This is the journal of Heretic Knob. He is, of course, one of the engineers and architects of the Acropolis of the Delmer Wilds. A bit of a brief history lesson, despite his honored position as one of the chief architects, his designs began incorporating

unusual and vestigial principles. And when those were discovered, he was swiftly exiled from the city, never to be heard from again. This is one of, as far as I can tell, several recreations of his journal. He had a devout following. who were also lost in exile. But this is, of course, a very rare tone. And whoever takes it home, we'll have a new shining star in their collection. Just a question.

I know you said that that wasn't... So you're saying it's just a copy? One of a handful, yes. Ah, but not the original. Hmm. He says, we actually have no way of telling which version is the original.

We can authenticate that it is a version of the journal of Parenthood. Let's begin the bidding. We will start at 10 lux. Five. He leans over and whispers something to the assistant.

And the assistant walks up to you and says, sir, we need you to follow the rules of this auction or we will have to remove you. Oh, I thought I was doing you a favor. I'm so sorry.

What are you trying to do here? Because you are pissing them off actively. This is not a show for them. This is a show for everyone around. Well, I'm still going to need you to roll performance, I think, if that is what you're trying to do. And this is, I would say, because you're being kind of an ass to these people, as part of your performance, a bit of a high-stakes check. So a 14 probably won't do it. No, but it's also not too low.

So the assistant says, sir, if you have one more sort of outburst like that, you will be removed from the other. Of course. Sorry. Yes, of course. 10, 10 lucks. The red cubes, one of them who is sitting on the aisle raises his hand and says, 11 lucks. 12 lucks. The golden wolves, the wise quiet one, and shakes his head and says,

Uh, how about 20 lux? It looks back at you to see if that gets your motor going. Oh, please. You've beaten me so many times already today. Let me have this one win to rebuild some kind of confidence. Persuasion is definitely what that was. Okay, there we go. 19 plus 7 at 26.

He stands up and looks at you. And then he lets out a big roaring bear laugh, just a big one right from the belly. And he genuflex to you and sits back down. 22, Lux. The red cubes look at each other. Don't say anything. You don't hear them say anything, but they look at each other. And the one who has been speaking says, 23 lucks?

There's got to be half luck, right? 24 lux I want to make a luck roll here to see if they have one more luck it's luxur oh yeah sorry they they sit back down um and you don't hear them speaking now but you do hear them sort of making sounds that are not necessarily speech to one another uh which also kind of do the golden wolves are sitting nearby they turn and look back at them sort of quizzically. Admits the tension. I'm going to move closer to the front where the object is.

Not suspicious in any way, just kind of, you know, moving around the room. Okay. Very cool. Very, very cool. Well, a little Fonzie. Okay. You do that, and you hear the chittering very, very loudly now, and it is not any kind of language you have heard before.

And then they quiet down. And they sit still. And sort of, you see their body language kind of like deflate a bit. And the EMC says, 24 Lux going once, going twice, sold to the aquamarine scales. And they walk the journal out, back outside. I'll follow them. All right, then let's do this. You follow him outside through the doors.

And they don't make any fuss about it because what's another security? guard walking around. And they start to wheel it back behind the bar toward the vault room. As they are doing that, back in the auction, they remove the last cloth. And you all see a glowing, like, light blue orb that is housed within a, like, much larger shiny metal orb. And you actually hear a gasping sound as the cloth is. removed and the MC says this is another strange one but incredibly exciting I would say experimental this is a first of its kind piece of of shipboard technology it is an artificial mind core this imbues any ship that it is sufficiently adhered to with

something resembling sentience whatever you use that for aboard the ship I I suppose is up to you. Maybe you just get lonely. There's no shame there. We all get to those peaks and valleys, you know. But I, let's delay no longer. We are going to start the bidding at 20 luck. Oh, I don't have any money left, Griffin.

I don't know why the option is still going. We only had, if I remember correctly, 24 exactly on the nugget. Right, sure. Then, uh, the yellow smiley face, you know, raises their hand. And the emcey says, is there a you have to also say like the amount that you are that you are going to to bid and the the yellow smiley face just raises his hand over and over again and the MC says do you want to just do the starting bid 20 lux and the yellow smiley face gives a thumbs up he says okay um to the yellow happy person uh 20 lux devo now that they've secured the package right hypothetically right they won the auction fan square he has a suspicion growing in his mind,

and he is going to lean forward to the Cobalt suit person and say, I'm surprised you are not bidding on this one, Gusri. Um, hmm. Would this be, uh, what are you trying to do? I want to see if it's Guthrie.

Uh, he says, I, that's, not my name? How do you think I am? This is not you're not a cellar, you bring the bottle of wine

that you probably stole from some sort of wreckage to sell here? I didn't steal a bottle of wine from, what are you talking about? I want to, do I believe him? I mean, make an insight check. Ugh, three plus six, and nine.

Yeah, you believe him. Ha ha ha. You hear the emcee say, okay, 20 luck's. Um, going once. Going twice. Uh,

sold to the yellow happy man. Um, this, this concludes our auction today. Uh, as he's like wrapping up, all five of the cube people stand up at the same time. And they start to walk out of the room.

toward the back and the auctioneer says okay usually people wait until we are done with the auction but i suppose maybe you all have to go to the bathroom at the same time as they walk out uh or towards the exit one of them in a flash raises his hand and from it an incredibly searing bright light emits from their hand and everybody in the room just shrieks some of them dive to the floor. Devo and Zooks make a constitution saving throw. Oh my God. 11 plus 12.

11 plus 1 for 12. Oh, thank you, yes. 19 plus 3, 22. Okay, Zooks, it doesn't phase you at all. This bright flashing light does not phase you at all. Devo, it hurts a lot, and you are also

blinded. I see. And everybody in this room starts shrieking. Amber, you hear that shrieking as you are like approaching the door back into the vault room slash kitchen with the leather journal. That is what you walked out with, right? When the leather journal got bought, you followed them? The two stewards ahead of you roll the pedestal into the room, into the vault. Do you follow?

Yeah. Okay. They walk up to the vault and one of them turns to look at you and kind of gestures to turn around. motion so you're not looking at the vault. Okay, I'll give a thumbs up and turn around. Okay. That's actually when you hear the shrieks coming from outside back toward the auction room. And then you hear two more shrieks from behind you.

And you turn around to see the open vault, the two white pyramids laying on the floor, and the two silver stags, each holding their own batons in hand. who now look at you and start walking toward you. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience. Audience supported.