The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Ethersea - Episode 18

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

The Abyssal Auction: Part FiveThe Coriolis crew collect their winnings — among other things — and begin their extraction from a doomed deep sea marketplace. A slight complication: The deep sea marketplace is trying to doom them as well.Additional music in this episode: "Troubadour" by Mirco Cortesi https://cormi57.wordpress.com/musica/; "Night III", "Day II", and "Day I" by Swelling https://swelling.bandcamp.com; "Outsiders in Nome" by Mystery Mammal https://soundcloud.com/mysterymammal; and "Epic Battle Music 01" by Airwolf89 https://freesound.org/people/Airwolf89/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone Ethersea. That is all that we are obliged to tell you at this moment. Please step aside. Yeah, sure, no problem. We'll be taking this journal as well. Fuck. Could I borrow your weapon just, just, just for a minute or two? Do you know how to use one of these things?

Oh, yeah. Seven points of damage. Okay, Jablige. How are you doing over there, Devo? I got two. I'm doing fine. I'm picking up the journal. The guy lucks on him?

The red cubes. Yeah. The choker fall off. And when it does, the hologram disappears and you can see what is underneath. It is a coral body, stark white. We need to leave, we need to leave right now. You all see a ship made out of this white coral. And it raises up right in front of those glass windows.

and you all see a hole open up in the side of this ship, and from it, an enormous jagged spike shoots out and pierces the windows you're looking through. Let me go ahead and kick it off. So you're at a scary castle and there's storms all around. Ooh, good shit. And you're four different nights, brave nights. Yeah. your four brave knights

and you have magic powers and the swords and the swords are also guns awesome nice get ready for the tazmicher zone

you could do your own season juice and you should I don't know why you haven't I was saying you at last night after our triumphant performance of hoot nanny I'm the last person

I'm the last we've all done it now yeah do you realize this Yeah. Griffin, Dad, Travis have all run a hoot nanny. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to have to do a hoot nanny. You absolutely are going to have to do a hoot and candy. Anyway.

And we got the shirts for it. Spin the, spin the arms. Spin the wheel. Wee. Come, go to the weaving place. Sure. What's that thing called? A loo.

I'm in my loon. Let the weaving begin at the loom. So the three of you are in the foyer of this deep ocean. Okay. It is a lot-id-da kind of experience in this particular foyer. You are here with the Golden Wolf and the Cobalt Star, and I think that's it. The silver stags are knocked out in the vault room. And also, an enormous spike has been fired through the window facing the sort of deep ocean vista

by a ship that looks like it is made out of white, jagged coral, the same sort of material. as the formerly red cube beings that you were in the auction with before you handily dispatched them. Water is not like pouring into the room through this hole. The spike has pretty much sealed it up. There's probably some trickling and some bad groaning noises and some slow cracking of that window. But it's not like you all were instantly crushed by deep ocean water. there are alarms going off at this point and that wall of doors leading into the, you know, auction hall proper opens up.

And from it, you all see the now pretty nudely yellow smiley face person who is coming out very slowly dragging this artificial mind core, this big metal sphere behind them out into the lobby. And they are followed by the auctioneer who seems pretty cash. like most other people in this room are a little bit panicked about the situation but the auctioneer is fairly chill like

he doesn't even sort of like realize what's going on Hey so I know Griffin we got the journal right the journal is in our research actually yeah let's clear this out right because we I don't know that we firm this up which is kind of wild because we need to

the only thing that's kind of unaccounted for right like I think the golden wolf has gotten the wine and lantern back like he would not let those two items go you all have the journal. Obviously, this yellow smiley face has the AI core. The only like, oh, I took the codite. Don't. Yeah, that's the question is where the codite ended up. Did you leave that? As soon as that spike comes through the glass, it's mine. I take it. All bets are off. You try to stealthily do that

because Amber had some reservations about that in the last episode. No, I don't think I was stealthily doing it. I think Deva would say, like, I think we agree this changes things because, you know, just things are about to go very bad. and, you know, maybe I give it to him later, maybe I trade it to use the big fish. Who knows? But I am taking this code right now. Okay. Now we're in the present. The auctioneer has entered the room very casually and says, oh, okay.

There's a lot of hubbub in here, a lot of activity. But why don't we go ahead and get you all out of here? You seem eager to get back to your routine. So we'll go ahead and settle up, everyone. I am going to cast a spell. Okay. One of my patented spells. Okay.

The power of magic? Are you sure? Power of magic. Um, oh, I don't have any second level spells, do I? No, you do not. Okay, well, then I'm not going to. Instead, I'm just going to say, like, um, what is your whole deal? Because there's a big spike coming through that window and you come in talking

about money and you don't seem at all bothered by the fact that we were just attacked and are still being attacked. He looks to the window and then he turns his body back towards you and says, huh, yeah. So that will be 300 luck paid out from the Golden Wolf to Cobalt Star for the delightful bottle of wine. 22 Lux from the silver. Where are the silver stags, by the way? Has anyone seen the silver stags?

Are they in the shrine of the silver mangy? You're doing me to it! Yeah! Has anyone seen the silver stags? Anyone? Yes, they are. They knocked each other unconscious on the floor. Oh, I thought they were napping.

I mean, now they are. It's an anvil. A big amble film. Big anvil. Roll a deception check, Devo. Uh, do, boo. A 13 total. 9 plus 4.

13's fine. He shrouds and says, oh, well, we'll have to check up on them. I guess we'll, do they still have the codite in their possession? Because they will need to settle up. Griffin? Yeah. I have some experience, Devo does rather, with like charming magic, charm magic. Yeah. Is he acting strangely at all?

Am I getting the impression that something is off with him? Roll an insight check. Uh, that was a natural one. That's a critical failure. Um, Jesus. It doesn't seem like, it just seems like your, you get the impression that your shit would have no effect on, on this guy. Like this, this, this, this, this, this auctioneer is like, has been doing this a while and runs a, it doesn't seem like it right now, but a pretty tight ship.

And so if it was easy, as easy as just like coming in here and charming him into giving you, like, the vast sums of wealth that these options, accumulate, like, that is not a, that is not possible. You get the feeling. You, smiley face man, person, I do not know, excuse me. What's your whole deal? He nods and waves. And the auctioneer says, we really should be hurrying. That's 25 Lux from the Golden Wolf of the Lantern.

24 Lux from the Aquamarine team for the journal. And 20 Lux has already been paid. to me by the yellow smiley man for the AI, the artificial mind core. Yes, I understand all of this. I am telling you that we have been completely fucked over in the past by working with people and just trusting them right out the gate. So until this person tells me their name or says, frankly, anything, nothing is exchanging hands, nothing is happening.

I think Amber's gonna sit back and watch how this unfolds. Okay. Amber's sort of like, when it comes to people in positions of authority, she's pretty conflict-averse. I think she has, like, made her way by, she's not someone who has problems with authority. Okay. Like, she's made her way by staying under the radar as a war. I think that is very fun because Devo is the exact opposite. I was about to speak up, but, like, I think,

let me see this. Amber's body language is clearly uncomfortable. How's that? Is that a fair thing to say? I don't know if you notice or not, but she does not like this. The Golden Wolf walks forward and pays 25 Lux for the lantern to the auctioneer. And he says, okay, I will follow up with the silver stags later. The only items left for settlement is the journal and the and the wine. The Golden Wolf will pay that out to the Cobalt Star. And the Cobalt Star walks over to the Golden Wolf to claim payment for it. Zooks goes over to the auctioneer. We just provided a really important service to you by stopping the attack by those Red Cube people who obviously had mischief in mind and we prevented that mischief, maybe even grand theft from you. We prevent

that from happening, I believe we are due some kind of reward or some kind of compensation for helping save your auction. And I'm going to add to that to help with this. And I would also say that we were, let's say, under your protection, says this was your auction and I was hurt while let me check, yes, all of your pyramid-headed people got on a ship and fucked off. So I think we are owed something for this as well. We'll say this is you helping Zooks, since Zooks sort of started this maneuver. Can you take the help action out of combat? I don't think so. Well, then we can just call it Bartik Inspiration. Okay, yeah, yeah, just that. That's fine. Okay, roll a persuasion check first, Zooks, and we'll see if you need to use this, Bartik's.

inspiration. Come on, come on. Oh, that's a Nat 20. Nat 20. That's all that matters. Huh. Okay. He says, you are, I suppose, correct. This is very out of character for me. I will reduce the price that you owe for the journal. Let's say

15 lucks for the journal. I'm not going to be any more benevolent than that. Dang, that sounds good, y'all. I think we should... I think we should pounce on it. Sounds very fair. Very fair. Okay.

Done. Yes. All right. You all pay the 15 lux, leaving you with nine lux in your ship's coffers, if anyone can fill that in. And while we're at it, could we have our weapons back? He says, oh, yeah, your weapons will be given back to you back down at the port. Can I just say, all of this is happening while there is still... attack happening? And like Devo just like is kind of pointing to the giant coral spike in the window.

Like I think this is still going on. So a big crack like reaching from the spike to like the corner of this window just appears suddenly. And when you all see that, you also hear Cobalt Star. And he says, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? And as you turn to face Cobalt Star and Golden Lord. You see, the golden wolf is kind of fucking with him. He actually turns to the rest of the group.

He says, I find myself in a unique position of power. We can't leave until we finish settling up. And I've just decided that I want a discount too. So how about 50 luck for the bottle of wine? Excuse me, you have this money on you? Yes. He says, I don't really want to talk to you anymore. Okay, well, if you do not pay this man, then we will simply kill you and take the money off your body.

Jesus. We need to close. There's a big spike in the fucking window. He says, this is simple. He just has to sell me the wine for 50 luck. And then we can all leave here happy and healthy. God damn it. She stuns him. Okay. Roll and attack roll. I'll make up an AC for this fancy boy real quick. Okay. Stun him in the neck. I want to see who it is. 12 plus 4.16.

Okay. Yeah. Do you stun him in the neck? Yeah, of course. Okay. Of course. You whip out your baton and stun him in the neck and he falls to the ground and as he does, his collar falls off and you all see a man hit the ground, big man. and why don't you all roll What's a memory check? I feel like I've never understood this. I think you can do a wisdom.

What about history? Or intelligence saving throw? Or just an intelligence check? Yeah, straight intelligence check. One and all three of you. Give me that. Five. I got a seven plus two and nine.

Okay. Ente check is going to be Oh, Shreventine. Yeah. 17. All right, Amber. You recognize him. You've only seen him once before in passing.

The last time you saw him, you had just come back from your first mission and seen this guy very angry walking toward your party in the gills. And he actually boarded the ship holding a bottle of wine that he'd received from the curator looking real, real grumpy before he boarded the dreams of Deborah. That is the last time you saw this, dude. He is the owner of the Dreams of Debra. Man, so far he is not made out great from being in our association, huh? Yeah. That alarm now gets actually gets louder and faster. And seeing that, the auctioneer says,

well, that concludes the auction for today. This had gone another way. and you actually see his white hologram suit start to disappear. And when it does, underneath the suit, you don't see a person. You see a sprite, just a cube-shaped floating sort of object, similar to the defense sprite that you fought. So long ago when you tried to steal the dreams of Deborah unknowingly. and this projection just disappears.

And the cube falls to the ground, and then there is like a wild electrical effect on it, and then it vanishes from sight. And now you all are alone on this vessel. For real now, no administrator or anything to help you. The window is continuing to crack, and you have three unconscious bodies in the room, and that ship is still outside sort of watching and waiting. Now what do you do? Can I tell you I'm real tempted to stun smiley face, man? But then we have four bodies.

Your bloodlust knows no bounds. We need to go now. You are the most intelligent one of us. Oh, thank you. We need to go. Okay. So wait, wait. I mean, oh, man.

Amber checks the body for Lux real quick. Yeah, just real quick. Which body? The one, the first fool I knocked out, the wine man, Mr. Wine. Yeah, I mean, he's got some money on him. Yeah, I'm going to go and rob him. I'll just rob him real quick. Oh, man. Okay.

Why don't you make a slight of hand check? Okay. That's a 21. Whoa! I mean, you can't. I mean, to be fair, we confirmed that he had the money on him, and then I knocked him out. What am I? On a big sinking ship that's probably probably...

What they fucking explode? Correct. What are you, what are you, want to leave it for James Cameron? No, I'm just gonna go ahead

and grab it real quick. Okay, you know what? Let fucking Jacques Cousteau's son digging up, hard past. You reach into his pocket and you find a wallet. And when you reach inside the wallet,

it's full of pictures of his kids. You feel some stuff rattling around. in there. You feel six small cubes which you pull out and it is indeed six Lux. And then you pull out a credit card

that that says, you know, it has a big number on it and then it says Aloysius Supreme hell yeah, it does. And those are the only things. So you have six, add six lugs to your pot and also a credit card

belonging to Aloysius Supreme. Okay, I say Cobalt Star, right? You do not get your money without this man and his credit card, so you take the card and the man and get to your ship, huh? How do you suggest I do that?

Drag him? He points at the elevator you all came up, and it is like fully, fully sealed. Like, it is not, it is, it looks just like a wall. Hmm. The vape suits that we're wearing, those are just illusion, right?

Yeah, those are not solid in any way. You get the impression that if this window burst open, you all would not be protected. Is there any kind of panel or anything, Griffin, with the elevator? Okay, so just to reiterate a map of the room, there was the elevator that you all came up. There was the auction hall. There was the vault behind the bar. There's the security room. And then there was the access tunnel down to the docks.

I can all turn it route down. Ah, so we take the access tunnel, huh? To get down there? Yes? Yeah, let's try. Fuck. Leave the way. You can come with us if you want.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. And the yellow, um, the yellow, um, the yellow smiley face walks over too and kind of nods. Just a quick pole of the room. The unconscious folks seals them in the vault, bring them with us. What do we? Uh, who do we have? in here? What bodies do we have in here right now?

I mean, there's three unconscious bodies. There's Aloysius Supreme. And then there's the two silver stags in the vault. Screw those guys. Yeah, those guys can eat one. I think that the person that I sort of blasted, I think that we'll go ahead and

oh man, I want to put them all the way back, try to carry him out. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to close the vault. Zooks wants to carry him out. Yeah, that'd be great, actually. Thank you, Zooks. So Zooks throws a hollow offer. Honestly, I was hoping. It's like when the pizza's there and you're like, no, no, no, I got it. I'll grab it.

But like, I was hoping somebody would offer them. Okay. So Aloish is Supreme, right? That's right. I throw him over one shoulder. Zook throws him over one shoulder. And over the other shoulder, he picks up one of those coral bodies and throws it over his other shoulder.

All right. I'm going to need you to make a strength check for me. No, sir. Five, but I still have Bartic inspiration. Do I not? Yeah, you can roll a D6. Dad, I don't know, buddy. You'll have to get a 10 on it.

On the D6. Under D6. Yeah, let's see a secret. Four. It's a nine. I'll give you this. You can carry one of them. You try to put both of them over your shoulder,

and it's just way too, way too much. The coral thing is lifeless, right? Yep. Okay. I pull its head off. Oh, cool. And I say, okay, let's go. I cannot carry the whole body, but if you just want something to examine, yes, Ziz. Hey, quick question, Zooks. How do you feel about that? A body pulling the head off? Yeah, sure.

Well, it's dead. Sure. I'm not going to put words in your mouth. Zook's whole reason for wanting to take it is because he wants some explanation. It's a mighty big coincidence all this coral. Okay. So that's what, I mean, I'm, yeah, I would appreciate taking the head because I want to know what the hell's going on. Okay.

Listen, Devo, very, very straight shooter. You know what I mean? I can't carry the whole body. So I'll carry the head. I just thought, if there was a dead thing that looked like me, Griffin McElroy, and then somebody went and just ripped its fucking head off, I would be a little surprised by that. You ain't zooks.

You ain't zooks. Zooks rolls like zooks. Okay. Hi, it's Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun. It's the Thanksgiving season, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you, the members of Maximum Fun. This Max Fund Drive, your generosity and your love of pins

helped us raise over $90,000 to help bridge the digital divide. Families without internet access struggle to do things that the rest of us might take for granted, especially during COVID, going to school, applying for jobs, fighting medical care. Your donations help the nonprofit Everyone On. They provide equipment, services, and training to get people online so they can access opportunity. You can find out more about the great work Everyone On does at everyoneon.org. supporting maximum fun. Thanks for supporting everyone on. And thanks for being awesome people who want to do good in the world. Devo, you you lead the way toward this access tunnel. And as you try to open the door, a red light blakes above it. And you know what, let's go full like space sci-fi bullshit. It says, access to nine.

Okay. Another crack forms in the window. And you all hear more groaning noises coming from the facility. So is there like a panel or something here? Nope. I wave the um the the baton around near it. I don't know if it's like an RFID kind of deal. It's to unlock it. You approach it and wave your baton in front of it and the light doesn't blink or anything. It just says, what are you doing? Wait, the light says what are you doing? Yeah. Like what are you doing, dude? Is this a... Hold on. Now, wait.

Is this a person or what's the deal? What are you doing, dude? This is like one of its program phrases. Okay. Ambio just like punched the door. Please don't reach me. Punch it. That's another one of my program phrases.

If you open, I won't punch you. Actually, as you get near it, you hear that low beep coming from your security caller. And the door opens. Oh, cool. All right, good. No punchy. No punchies today, my friend. Okay, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go. Go with God. Wait. You all walk through this door. And what is past it is a very short, fairly dark hallway that is illuminated occasionally by these red, you know, sirens, you know, flashing on and off. at the end of this very short hallway, you all feel actually wind,

like blowing upwards, very, very strong wind. And when you look over the edge of this hallway, you all see a ladder that goes from where you are, down into, and you can't see the bottom of it. But you get the sense that if this thing goes down to the docking bay,

then it is, as long as the elevator that you wrote, up, which was to say quite long. Whoa. Well, I mean, I guess we need to climb down now. Is this, do we agree? Is this that we climbed down it? It seems like this will take a very long time. How wide is it?

I mean, it's wide enough for you all to get down. It's not wide enough for you to do some sort of wild, like, you know, pin yourself in between the walls. And I don't know why you'd do that. As you all are debating this, the yellow smiley face one, wraps one tentacle around the AI core, the artificial mind core, and just starts trying to noodle his way down the ladder. And he gets down like four rungs and then just, he's a noodily guy, and he just slips and falls.

And he just plummets into the darkness. Oh, my God. Boy, it goes so fast, huh? Yes, we barely news them. Jesus. Yeah. This is life, though, is meant to know. Some moments.

It's brutal. And then like 10 seconds later you hear boing? What do you think is the boing? What does it? I don't know. It didn't sound like a good boing. Sometimes you hear a fun boing. It didn't sound like one of those.

Yes, but there was no, you know, it's... I feel like fancy Stephen King would have called that a sickening boing. Oh, you think so? You know what I mean? A stomach churning boeing. Zooks, is this... You know the sea, I guess? Is this a...

Sea-boing? Is this a boing of the sea? This is one of the weirdest sentences I have ever said. I have a weirder one. That boing is not in my repertoire of sounds. Oh, God, no. A unique stomach-churning boing. Oh, no.

This is a bespoke boing? I think we should carefully climb down the lander so that we do not boing, huh? What? Uh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Yeah, all right. Yeah, let's start easing down there. Shit. Shit. Okay.

What's the order you guys are going down? If Zooks is trying to fessig his way down with that guy on his back? Yeah, that's going to be a tough one. Zooks, I'll give you a heads up right now. I'm trying to decide if it makes more sense for someone to go first to try to, like, spot him. Or if the cutthroat thing is let Zooks go first so that if he drops him, it doesn't knock any of us off. these are all good things to take into consideration for this picture. I mean, it's Zeus's choice at the end of the day, right?

He's the one carrying a big human being. I'm, I've decided that because Devo, I mean, has experienced what he has. He's a little more cutthroat, as is obvious here. Not in a, like, cruel way or mean way, but he's just not used to thinking about other people. Fair. I think that Zooks should go first so that if, If this person, Al Supreme, were to slip and fall, it would not take all of us with him. Yes?

This is just the logical thing. It makes the most sense to me. Yeah, that tracks. Does that you're Zooks. Okay. That's fine. Listen, Zooks, if he starts to slip, don't be a hero. You know what I mean?

Like grab. Yeah, just let him be fit. Yeah. Grab, he is not, he is no doctor. shack. You know what I mean? It's like a real nice thing you try to do, but, you know, sometimes trying is all you can do and then you fail. Yeah.

But that's all right. This is fine. It's not as the same as killing him in many ways. Yeah, well, that's going to get this gray area. I'm not sure we want to just rule that out, but it, you know, just not killing him. Zook is going to firemen's carry him, draping him over his shoulders. While climbing down a ladder? Around his neck.

Yeah. Because that frees his hands up. Oh, you know what? I am going to, I have an idea. My backup coat now, my other jacket, I'm going to like kind of tie it around Zook's and this guy, like just to give a little bit of security. Why don't, okay, here's what we're going to do.

I'm going to say that's free Bardic inspiration. Just to like help with the math, but not sort of make this next thing. too wild. To sort of determine how quickly you're going to be able to move down the ladder while carrying this guy in this way, I want you to make a, you're going to make an athletics check. We could also say this is a balance thing, right? So I'll let you do an acrobatics check, just to be very kind, because I know that's something you're a little bit better at. But you're going to make it with disadvantage because you're trying to climb down a ladder

with a big dude, and you can take Bartik inspiration on the lowest roll. So make an acrobatics check with disadvantage. You can do it, Zeus. No, apparently not. That's an eight. Okay. What's the other one?

Oh, that's a 16. That would have been nice, but you're rolling with the eight, but you can add a D6 to that. Five. Okay. Yeah, that's a 13. You are,

it is, you don't drop him, right? You get down a couple rungs and you're like, fuck, this sucks. But you are able to start moving down the ladder, at a sort of at a normal pace.

And Amber and Devo are you all going down too? I think I want to... Hey, Cobalt. You're up. You go next? Sure, man. Whatever. He starts to climb down.

He says, oh, can I have my hand? Oh, shit. He's got my crossbow. Okay. Zook, we get to the bottom. Can I have my crossbow back? Maybe. Okay.

What a great. I'm feeling a little adversarial at the moment. Right. Maybe I can help you out later. Uh, okay, he starts climbing down, uh, behind, behind sukes. So, uh, Ambiel, you go next, huh? Yeah, fuck it. Okay.

Uh, and then you, Devo? Uh, yes. Now there's more people to catch Devo. Right. Because this is Travis's own fear. Um, I'm just, climbing down a high ladder is way scarier than climbing up a big ladder. Devo and Amber, I'll let you guys choose between athletics or acrobatics check.

It's a very low check because you're climbing a ladder and you have no disadvantage on it. Just to see how, you know, quickly you're... Fuck me. That's an unbelievable low, Devo. What check? Acrobatics. That's cute. I did athletics, ignore me.

Okay, that's fine. I said either one is fine. Acrobatics is a natural 20 plus 20 plus 4. Okay. Then I'm going to give you... Out of... What trap? Out of three roles, I've done this episode.

Two, 901s. Yeah, that's pretty good stuff. All right, Amber, you, this is like... You feel like you're walking. Like, it's so easy for you to go down this ladder. I mentioned the thing you were contending most with is the impatience of having to climb behind Zukes and Cobalt Star. But you also look up and you see Devo get down like five rungs and lose his footing.

Devo, I'll give you this choice. You fall. Like there's no way you don't fall on a critical failure. Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's right there in the name. Do you fall out or do you fall on Amber? Can I say my plan was to have as many people below me as I could for this very reason. Okay. I think I fall on Amber.

Okay. I would like a chance to save him. Yeah. Because I have a natural tool. Yeah, that is why I am giving you this is because you got the Nat 20. If you hadn't had the Nat 20, Deva would have fallen. I'm so in control of the situation. So where.

And you have four hands. And I have four hands. Well, I don't know if you have four hands out right now. Amber, this is tough. It's going to be. I do not have four hands out right now. All my keys are. You have no more.

No, no, no, no. I got one key point. We'll see. Um, I think this is just, The hands fade over time. They do. They last like 10 minutes or something like that. No, they fall.

Yeah, but they fall off. Oh. Like a prehensile tail. That's gross. Um, okay, make a dexterity saving throw. 9 plus 4. Uh, oh God. That's 13 for you at home that need a little extra help.

And also Griffin, just to remind you, it is mine and Justin's birthday today. So I don't know if that has any effect. Um, you catch him with one hand, Amber. and you're able to swing him onto the ladder. You know what it is? Amber, you're going to take some damage. There is no way this doesn't fucking hurt a lot. So I'm going to say instead of Devo taking what would be almost certainly, not almost certainly, certainly a lethal amount of damage,

you are going to take five damage, just from the horrific, like, experience of trying to hold on to this one thing with one arm. Like it hurt. You feel your shoulder. Like, you feel something bad happen in there. You take five points of damage. But you're able to swing Devo back onto the ladder. While you all...

Thank you so much. You owe me one. Yes, I most definitely do. Well, technically you owe me five. Okay. Thank you. And Devo casts cure wounds. Okay.

Like, on the ladder? No, on you. No, but are you doing that on the ladder? Hey, you only have one hand to vape. Yeah, I just need to be touching you. Yeah. That's six points of healing for Amber. Delicious.

Came out a point ahead. Sure. Yeah, right? It's a good trick. That's, you got spin my name and make money. I'm supposed to. I think what it is is your shoulder pops back into place. That's good.

Okay, you all get to the bottom of the ladder. I'm not going to hit you with any other nasty stuff. because that was frankly nasty enough already. Well, hold on, let me think. What time is it? What time is it? Did you say? Fuck off!

Yeah, okay, you guys get to the bottom of the ladder. And when you get there, the door opens up and the... Wait, when we get to the bottom, do we see smiley face anywhere? No, you don't. You don't see smiley face anywhere, which is good. I mean, you don't see his splattered remains down here. when you get to the bottom and you open the door, you all end up in a very, very narrow hallway leading to,

that once you go down it, you realize you're in the proper elevator. And you're at the bottom. You're on the docking bay side. And once you reach this, like, you know, big circular elevator, there are arrows with different colors pointing in the direction of different doors. And as you look through them, you see basically an identical scene that you saw when you first landed at the station and got out and got your suits and stowed your weapons and stuff. And Cobalt Star says, okay, I guess we're going.

Can I please have my hand crossbow back? It's really important. Yes, I gave my word. It's really nice, though. It's, yeah, sure. Here. I don't really have Yes, take it here

Have a crossbow Fine, good I just want to say I just want to say Because I want it to be on the record While this exchange is happening Yeah Devo is poised

Because he still has a suspicion About this guy That's established He takes the hand crossbow And looks down and finds this This dark blue cobalt arrow Leading through one of the doors And he walks through it

And he says I owe you guys a lot I guess we owe each other a lot It's a team effort But make sure you get off the station Okay Don't don't get killed Yes I mean yes obviously

Thank you for that But I would say that we were all planning this Don't get killed Don't get killed That was the idea all along Yes One of my big things Okay

And don't trust that guy He points at Aloish's Supreme No yes You have to take him. No, you are taking him with you. I'm not taking him with me. Then you don't get paid. I have his credit card.

I guess if he beefs it, they'll probably cancel the credit. Okay, hold on. He grabs him and then walks him down the golden arrow and just, like, chucks him into the jet bridge and then walks back onto the elevator. He says, okay, that's taking care of. If you ever see that guy again, I'm guessing y'all are from Founders' Wake.

Don't trust him. And he walks through his door. Where are you from? He said, I dabble, mostly in Founders' Wake. But I've met his kind before. And he walks through the door and he says, he showed himself to be a liar. And once someone shows themselves as a liar, you never should trust that person again. And he presses a button and the door to his docking bay closes.

Oh, we should have asked his name. The door into the yellow docking bay is also closed. So you get the impression that whoever that was has also left. And that just leaves you all. I guess we should go? Okay. You all walk to your... That was a question for Amber and see.

That was more of a... I don't know. Right? Yeah. Fuck. Yes. Sorry. Yes.

Okay. We get on the ship. Okay. The three of you walk into your docking bay and the elevator door closes behind you. But for whatever reason, the door that led into that jet bridge leading to your ship is not there. You can actually see like an outline where it was. It has submerged into the ground. It just isn't there.

That box in the center of the room, well, it's closer actually to this like, you know, opaque black water is there. But you also realize that in your room, the alarm is flashing. That red alarm. And in my room, in Justin's office. No, in the docking bay room. You're not on the ship yet. No, I understand that. Sorry.

And in fact, as you all walk into this room and the elevator door closes behind you, there are some bubbles that appear on the surface of this black water. And then a tentacle lifts up out of it and perches up on the floor. And then another and another and another. And then you see a red light coming up out of the water. and then the massive squid that carried you all down here in the first place surfaces makes a very loud gurgling sound

and that metallic panel covering one of its eyes you see the red light where its eye should be lights up and seems like it begins charging. Let's roll initiative. Oh. Oh, fuck. Sabresquid. That is literally what I named it in the D&D Beyond Encounter builder.

I got a 9 plus 2. What else could it be? That's fair. You've painted such an evocative picture. We all knew it was cybers. Yeah, it was pretty obvious. Amber and Zooks. I'm Amber.

I'm Zooks. What's your Dex modifier? And together we are. Seven for me. That gives me a very long time to figure out how I'm going to punch a squid. Devo, what's your dex modifier? My tax modifier is plus one. Oh, plus three.

Plus three. Okay, then Zook's is first. I need to clarify. Okay, so that freeze right there. So we are where? You're close to the elevator that you just came in from. Where is the cybersquid? In the water on the opposite end of the room.

And the opposite of the room is like sunk down into the water, right? Right, yeah. There should be, we should be able to walk onto our ship, but it is. But the door to the jet bridge is just not there. Okay. I have bad news for you guys, too. I've used up a lot of my spell stuff. Yeah. Okay. First in the order is actually Zooks. Okay. The boxes in the middle of the room, tentacles? Well, it's close-ish to the, to the Cybersquid. It's closer to where the Jet Bridge door is supposed to be.

Okay. I'm not sure. Cyber, I think Zooks is going to sprint ahead and dive into the water to try to get up. underneath the squid. Oh, wow. Okay. A bold but good maneuver. I won't make you roll for this, but I am going to make an attack of opportunity if you run by a tentacle, right? Fair enough. Yeah.

As you dive, like this thing tries to catch you out of the air by slamming you with, oh, that was almost a critical failure. But instead, it's an 18 versus AC. Well, now that's not almost a critical failure, Griffin. I don't want to. Yeah. It can't be on you here, bud. It's a lot more than a one. It almost landed on a one.

It's way more than a one. Yeah, that hits. Okay. This thing actually then, it freaking dunks you into the water. It like smashes you downward into the water as you try to jump by it and you take 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Fuck. Yeah, it's the cybersquid baby. It does not fuck around.

But you're able to get down in the water. Okay. Do you have an action you want to do while you're down here? Because that was just your move. What can I see of the bottom of the squid? I mean, I set this up before. You can see nothing in this, in this, this magical dark water. You are close enough and this thing just swatted you that like, you know which direction it's in, which direction to swim.

I will grant you that much, but like, you're not, you can't, you explicitly can't see anything here. This darkness is here to ensure the sort of anonymity of all the guests here. Okay. I'm trying to picture squid. Is there a mouth underneath of some kind? Oh, yeah, squids have beaks? Yeah. I mean, okay, why don't you make a perception check? And I won't give you disadvantage on this because of your sort of like hunting sense. But if you want to try to find this thing's beak, it's going to be a perception check.

that's a three plus one four you can't get you know where the squid is you cannot with this level of sort of darkness down here you can't find them out okay um Zook's is just gonna um jet up

the boot farts are working now yeah they work in the water he's gonna just jet straight up with the tongs extended in front of him to try to damage the squid oh my god what an insane thing to figure out how to roll for it.

That's right there between stealth and survive. Yeah, a tongue attack. Squid pocken. Yeah. Okay. I mean, attacking something you can't see is inherently disadvantage. But I'm willing to negate that since this thing is fucking huge and you know, you know where it is. I already said that.

So I won't give you disadvantage. Just make an attack roll on it. Just make an attack roll. Okay. As an unarmed strike or could we Would it make more sense for him to You have your dagger. You have the carving knife.

Sure, yeah. Okay, all right. So. I do love how much action these tongs have gotten though. Yeah. That is a 24. Yeah, 19 plus 5. You stab this thing right on its soft underside.

So that's 24 plus 3. Three plus three, it's a six. Quite good. Okay. That's got to kill it. It's fucking dead. Wow. You poke it and all that squid stuff comes out.

Oh, no. My squid stuff. A squid's one weakness being poked, so my stuff moves out. No, the stuff is supposed to be inside. Oh, no. Stuff's outside. Everyone runs. Stuffing out.

I don't know what happens. This has never happened before. I don't know what's going to. to happen to you. My memories are in the stuff. All my pictures are my children. Oh, no. I keep things in there, not just my stuff, but I just forgot spelling.

I think we know where the squid's brain is, sort of scientifically. It's in the gits. It's in all the goo. Yeah. It's in the stuff. Ambo and Deaver. Ambo and Deaver, you all see. That's our celebrity couple names.

Right. You see Zooks dive into the wall. water after getting like fucking smashed by this big squid without saying a word and then like a few seconds later you just see the squid go as it gets stabbed in the butt and then we're on to divo um okay uh divo is going to look at this bad boy yeah and begin to ah so my thoughts ah and hit it with dissonant whispers at a level one spell slot. Have you been keeping track of your level one spells? I have, yes.

Okay. The only one I've used to fire is cure wounds. Okay, so this is your second level one spell slot. Make a wisdom saving throw. Okay. Also not this thing. Strong suit. Oh, there it is.

That's a critical failure. Oh, great. Okay, so then it is going to take 3D6 damage. Uh, that's okay. That's eight points of damage. But it is going to move back. Now, I will let you judge how far that is. I mean, what is the spell?

What is the say-say? It says as far as it allows, as far as the creature's movement allows. Okay, then it just like scoots all the way back in the water until it's like pressed up against the wall at the far edge of this place. Which puts like, I don't know, 10, 10 feet of water or something. so between you and it, but also its tentacles can no longer reach super far up. Its tentacles have a reach of 15 feet. So it's like, it can just barely reach the edge of the platform now. When it moves back, Devo runs for the box.

You can get to the box. You can't do anything with it because you've already used your action, but I can, you know, you can get there. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Trave, that's what I was going to do. Okay. Well, he would just fine.

I'm not saying that, I mean, if you had the ability to do it, it's not like it's such an original idea, but like if I can do it on this turn, it probably makes more sense for me to run for it. Yeah, you know what? That is true, because I'm but a simple cloth man, wearing cloth armor. So yeah, Devo pushes it back.

And then, let's say, hunkers, gets, take some steps back, yeah. Sure. Okay. Then Amber, it is your turn. Yeah. I'm going to run for that box that we had to put our crap in. Hopefully there's some crap in there. You reach the box and...

The box of crap. The box of crap. The wood-branded box of crap. You cannot... Hold on. Let me think. That's always a good sign. You can't see any sort of, like, opening into the box. Like, when you put your guys stuff in here, like, this glowing white box just kind of, like, became whole.

But what you do see is a small hole with a blue circle or in a very small hole. And, you know, with this white light, with this blue light inside of it, it almost kind of looks like your security baton. God damn it. Now, I didn't listen. Jesus shit. Oh, man. This is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is very. vengeance for the time I stole that coal sword from Garfield, isn't it? Okay. I wish there were some

other way, but you know, Griffith. We both knew it's going to end this way. Fairly will. And she slides her fucking sweet O.P. Baton into the hole. And blue bolts of electricity start shooting at, like the quickening, shoot out of this chest. Uh, well, you, it's a going everywhere. It's like you're in a plasma ball. And Devo, one of those blue bolts of electricity whips across you, and it doesn't hurt, but you feel your baton turned to ash in your pocket.

And the same thing happens to de-Zooks underwater. And you know what? I'll do this. It also, uh... Amber, roll 1D10. Oh, fuck it. One D-12. I'm not dancing for you anymore.

You roll your own D-12. I think it's going to. I heard the D12. Oh my God. When I pointed at it, the D12 got all excited. It's like, really? Me? Oh, God, everybody.

Calm down. He's about to roll me. It just kind of, that's, of course, one. It's naturally one. Of course the one of those bolts of electricity whips across the squid, and it goes, Oh. Oh. And he takes one point of, uh, of lightning damage.

And the batons are gone. But your chest opens and all your shit is there. Good. I don't even have anything. You know, we'll say it's weak to that damage, so it takes two points of damage. There you go. Thanks. Great. Hey, guys, come get your shit. I'm not even going to bring it to you. Fuck off. God, I miss my bag. This is a bad deal for me. I should have thought through it. I didn't have anything. You can use my boomerang.

Thank you. Okay. The Cyber Squid is up. It is going to, let me think, who did the most damage to. You know what? That squid did not like you in its brain. And also it's too far to attack where Amber is with its tentacles now. But Devo, you see a... Oh, actually, here's what happens. That eye finishes charging up. And as it reaches like this incredibly bright level, it just...

The light disappears. And then a beam zips across the water and then all the way across the room to the elevator. I need Amber and Devo to make a dexterity saving throw. Excerity, saving three. That's a 10. That's a 12 for me, a 9 plus 3. Both insufficient. You all are in the path of this red laser.

And like the laser doesn't hurt you, but it causes like a small, like, explosion everywhere it kind of traces. And you all both take 11 points of burning damage. Who, Boisey. And then we're back up at the top of the air. Oh, also it moves back Oh, no.

Towards the, toward the box. I can't do anything with it, but now it's, you know, within tentacle range. Boy, I'm glad he cranked out that heel for the hammer. Okay, that brings us back to Zooks. Zooks sticks his hand up inside the wound. Lord. Holy fucking shit. Where he just stabbed the...

You're going to grab his belly? Squid stuff? And now he releases the hail of thorns. Whoa, fuck, yes. Okay. Hail of thorns. This is your last spell slot. Hey, Zook, you nasty.

Yeah. The next time you hit a creature with a range weapon attack before the spell ends, the spell creates a reign of thorns that sprouts from your ranged weapon or ammunition. Hmm. I think in order for this to work, you would have to make a ranged attack into it. You know what I mean? That's what the spell says. is it sprouts from your ranged weapon or ammunition.

I'm willing to let this happen, but you need, I mean, you would need to make a ranged attack into the wound. Hold on, oh, wait, wait, how about this? Magehand is a cantrip. Okay. Could he use Magehand to propel? In this, yes, because I have slighted you so many times in Zook's sort of strange, powerful physiology.

I will say, yes, absolutely. call that a range attack. So he uses mage hand and it comes out as a whole bunch of eels. Okay. And just really shoves the knife even farther up. Yeah. To make it arranged a day, we'll say the eels pull the knife out and then fly up into it again to make it, to make it technically a range attack. Okay.

Okay. Make an attack roll. I will give you plus two to this attack roll because you're attacking specifically a hole you made in the last turn. I'll make it sort of compound. So with the knife? Yeah. Okay. All right. There would be a 16.

Yes, absolutely. And piercing damage of six. Okay. And then also you throw on top of that. Hail of thorns. Okay. Hale of thorns sprouting inside of this thing. Right. That's 1D10. I'm going to auto fail.

It's dexterity saving throw because it's happening inside of it. Okay. Yeah, that would be hard to get away from, huh? Yeah, so take 1D10, roll 1D10 piercing damage. That is a 9. Jesus Christ. So that's 15 damage total. That's good.

Oh, I know it's good, but I'm just not done yet. Oh, you're not? Oh, I'm not. I also have... I have access to you. That old Jim. I have gathered storm. Gathered swarm.

Even better. Gathered swarm on once on each of your turns, you can cause this swarm to assist you in one of the following ways. So the attacks target takes 1D6 piercing damage. All right. 1D6 more. It is wild that gathered swarm, by the way, is not a bonus action. It's just, you just do it. That's only one.

Okay. I mean, okay, that's 16 damage. That is, okay, here's what Devo and Amber. It's a shame, Zook, so you're not able to see any of this stuff. Devo and Amber, you see it, like, it is upset again by whatever is happening to it under the water. You all see the squid, like, react again to something that is happening under the water, and one of its tentacles lifts up, almost like it's just going to, like, swing it down at nothing. And then you see, like, close to the body of this squid, that tentacle swells up.

And you see, like, thorns poke it from inside. You see thorns just poke out of the squid's tentacle. And then it swells up even more and, like, pops. And then that tentacle falls down and just sort of slides into the water. Now sufficiently destroyed. This squid looks pretty bad off, actually, right now. We're back down to Devo. Well, you know what?

I'm just going to keep on a whispering. Hit it again with that their dissonate whispers. Go roll wisdom saving throw as a was of a va. Yeah, of course. One whispers. Wisdom saving throw coming right up. Nope. That's a seven total.

And then it's going to get hit with, yeah, okay, not 11 points of damage. Jesus. Okay. And it, okay, and with that also, are you pushing it back? I guess it has to. Yeah. It reels backward and now is against the back of the room. Amber, I'm going to give you an attack of opportunity here because you're right up against the water.

It'll be just against one of the, you know, the edges of one of the tentacles, but still, that is going to do some damage. Attack of opportunity, 11 plus 14. That's a hit. Yeah. And we're going to call that five damage. Okay. You boop that snoot. Yeah, you boop.

I boop the snoot, as they say in the biz. Okay, and now we are actually to Amber. It is your turn. She's really torn up. Like, she's trying to get back to this fight and refocus on it. But you can tell just by the way she's sort of like walking and staring off the distance. She's just thinking about her great saying. You hear a voice in your head and say,

It's okay. You gotta move on without me. I can't. You were everything to me. Think of all the people. We've all the people we blazed. It says, The power was inside you all along,

except for the incredible power that was within me. This, by the way, after that last salvo of attacks and that opportunity attack, this thing looks pretty bad off. All right. You know what? Let's finish this.

This one's for Sparky. And then I leap with both of my arms, all of my arms, all four of my arms, and I go to punch it with my fists. You are going to have to make a, you're going to have to jump. Because this thing just moved pretty far away from the platform. Yeah, but she's going to jump. It's going to be bad. Do you have some sort of jumping power?

I feel like that's something to get a bit of. Yeah, it's called legs, Griffin. Acrobatics? Yeah, making an acrobatics. I think monks eventually get the ability to, like, jump twice their speed or something. Come on. Come on. Come on. Three plus four.

It's a seven. Fuck. First, he's taking everything. You see, you ever say, let's finish this, and then just jump like four feet and land in the water.

I will be nice and say one of the tentacles. You land near one of the tentals. Don't be nice. We're destroying this thing. No, don't be nice. It's fun. Okay, fine.

You land in this water. That was your move action. You can still take an action, but this thing is not close enough for you to punch necessarily. No, okay, your attack range for your arms is five feet greater than normal. With that, you could attack one of these tentacles,

but it's gonna have disadvantage because you are in the water. Yeah, I'll try to, she's like so pissed. Like, she doesn't even think it's gonna work, but she just, like, tries to punch at the one tentacle that's kind of forced her. Yeah, I mean, you may as well, you may as well use the action.

Roll an attack roll with disadvantage. That's an eight, total. Nat 20. Fuck, that sucks, man. That's, that's a,

I'll give you that juice. That's a tough, that's a tough birthday beat, man. It's a tough beat. By give me that, you mean you'll give me

the natural. No, but that's a, that's, I'm gonna say, though, for your, to happen on your birthday?

On your birthday? On your birthday, on your birthday, to get a nullified Matt 20? That's a, not only my working. I'm at the minds

here on my birthday. I'm at the podcast mind on my birthday. But then this, so that's a three plus four. Um, Yeah, that's a miss. It is unfortunately the cybersquids turn.

Three plus five. Yeah. That's a hit. Oh, yeah, no, that doesn't hit. This might, though, it is with one of its non-exploded tentacles, it is going to reach over and try to grab you. Me? Yeah, dude.

I mean, you're right, you're a delicious morsel. You've just offered yourself up. It is going to try and grab you. That is plus five to hit. this public. It's because it's fine. Oh, it was another almost failure, but that is an 18 to hit. 18, that definitely hits. Okay, and you are going to take 2D6 plus 3 damage to 1 in a 5 plus a 3. That is 9 damage total. All right. How are you

looking over there? Dead. Looking dead from being dead. Oh, did that take you below zero? Okay, you are not dead. You are unconscious. I No, Gryphon, you don't have to correct us every time. We know. Very lucky. We know they're not actually in heaven with Jesus, okay? God, every time we're like, well, that kills me. And Griffin's like, well, right?

The good news is you are not drowning, because with that attack, it has grabbed you with its tentacle and is, like, holding you up in front of its laser eye. Oh, boy. Zooks. I think Zooks is going to... use his boot farts to shoot up into the body of the squid. His whole...

It's getting zany down there. Okay. This... I like that Amber. Just to recap, Devo's used a lot of breath spray, and Amber's dead, and Zooks is having a fucking psychosexual journey.

threw us giant squid. It's good. It's all good stuff. This is making the movie for sure. Textbook. Okay. Textbook. The Ntinty encounter.

But my intent is to get up in there and just start swinging the dagger. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, baby. We know your dentist to get up in there. You nasty talk. Oh, I'm glad Amber's not alive to see this. Oh, I know, Griffin. No, I know, Griff.

I know, bud. I know. Sorry I made that joke. Sorry, but I don't know. All right. To push your, are you going into the wound? Yeah. Okay.

I'm thinking shooting up into the squid with the boot parts with the knife, with the knife still extended. Oh, guys, listen. Actually, if you look up, you can see the ghost of Gary Gygax. He's like, great job, boys. That's exactly what I was thinking. That was the last action that. know what had taken before. This is the grand plan.

You solved my puzzle. Here's my treasure. All right. You own D&D now. This is... Okay. Zook's... In order to...

First make an attack roll... What am I going to do? Okay. In order to... You gotta make a check first. Right? You can't attack some kind of check. You can't attack with your whole body An insertion attack.

Even though you have the power of the incredible fart boots, I am going to make you make an athletics check first because that is the check you make for swimming-related fun activities. So make an athletics check to see if you can propel your body into this thing before we do anything else. All right. That is a one? Okay, a seven.

Okay. You try to get up in this thing and you can, You cannot. You can't get, the wound is not big enough, so you can kind of get in there, but you feel embarrassed, like really embarrassed. And a squid feels embarrassed, too. But you can still make an attack roll, I will say. That was your, that was your silly move action. Okay, took my silly move action.

Now I'm just going to swing the dagger wildly. Okay. Inside it. Gross. And that would be a 15. That is a hit. That is. six damage.

And right on the nose, the squid now kind of spasms in protest. One of its tentacles... Now, wait, just to check, Griffin, now it protests. Yeah. Before, with everything dead, you know, trying to climb inside it and wear it, it was like, go gay.

Almost reflexive these spasms happen. And one tentacle, the one that Zuchs has been stabbing a lot, just goes limp and falls down. And then the squid kind of reels backwards. Zooks make a dexterity saving throw. Come on. Come on. 12.

Oh, boy. Okay. Uh, three things happen. Devo, you see this squid, like, in its death throws. Um, and that is obviously a sight to see. But you also hear something. You hear the low hum. of the coral ship that just attacked the upper level of this room.

And it almost sounds like it is hovering just above this part of the docking bay that you all are inside. Zooks, you have your hand stuck in this tentacle after stabbing it so viciously a few times. and you aren't ready for the full weight of this squid falling down onto you, down, down into the water. But perhaps sort of most precariously, Devo, you see Amber wrapped up in this one tentacle that the squid was holding out of water. And as it falls, that tentacle goes limp, and you watch Amber plummet and splash into this completely opaque. shadowy water and in the flash of an eye she is gone

Maximum fun.org Comedy and culture artist owned, audience supported Do you sometimes wonder whatever happened to the kids at your school who really loved Star Trek? You might remember a kid like me, the one who read the Star Trek novels

and built Starship models. I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required showering after, but I don't see what that really has to do with Or a kid like me. I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as Wesley. But when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class, I actually had to explain to my friends that I had tried to take on the identity of my favorite Star Trek character.

The shame haunts me to this day. I'm sure some of those Star Trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting and productive lives, but we ended up being podcasters. On the greatest discovery, you'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't grow up to be great people. They just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they love Trek. Season 4 of Star Trek Discovery is here, so listen to our new episodes every week on Maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts.