The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Ethersea - Episode 32

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

The Menagerie: Part TwoThe Coriolis crew investigates the high-profile bovine burglary they've been tasked with solving, bringing them into dangers both interpersonal and spectral.Additional music in this episode: "Big Room" by Jesse Spillane http://www.jessespillane.com/;  "Owls" by Jahzzar http://www.betterwithmusic.com/; and "Beneath the Dark Clouds" by The Pangolins http://thepangolins.yolasite.com/.  Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Ethersea. As you all approach the brokerage, you see three familiar, albeit unpleasant faces. It is the crew of the gut punch. We're on some next-level hero shit. Saving a bigger city that you know about that we don't know about, was this? It's? Yeah, something like that. The curator, who is seeking a team to investigate a recent theft from the menagerie,

a facility in the conservatory task with preserving wildlife. from the surface world. A handful of animals have been stolen away from Founders Wake lately. And he was gonna head towards the parish. Can you just tell us

what you saw? I saw one of the containment orbs. There was like a white specter that was holding it. And I shouted and it vanished. You know exactly what this is then.

At the auction house, the auctioneer himself was essentially like a free floating hard light thing that a like Sprite was projecting out. I'm just going to snatch it out of the air with my net. This exact cube is the exact same thing that the auctioneer left behind when it vanished.

But now with this item in tow, the perpetrator of this crime is completely evident. So you all managed to recover the sprite that was being remote controlled by the auctioneer. That is the working theory. And you have that in your possession. This object is completely inert at this point. So any hopes of just kind of like following it to its home, that is not going to be possible. Although, you know, sort of knowing what you know about the auctioneer, that seems like he would not have necessarily fallen for that anyways. But it's fair to say now that we've got that one, right?

And we know what was going on. the animals that are in the menagerie are a lot safer now, right? Sure, sure. That's my Travis McRoy's concern. I don't know if Devo cares, but me, Travis, I don't want animals stolen. And that's...

Noble and important. A noble thing to say, and I think people are going to be really proud of you. I'm willing to take a stand. This is my line in the sand. Don't steal animals. I think that's, and that's huge, because I, like, I'm part of the crowd. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm too afraid to say, I don't think you should steal animals because I know how popular it is to steal animals. Now, I say that, but right off the bat, man, now I'm starting to question it because owl, the horse wanted to be stolen. Yeah, he did. He wanted to be rustled. Well, you know what? Now I've changed my mind. Steal animals. That's great.

Steal all the animals. Steal all the animals. It's either one or the other. Freeing animals from zoos and, you know. Well, we can't get into that, but you should get the lobsters out of the tanks. at the supermarket for sure. That's legal. They legally can't do anything

if you start to pull those out. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. Because until they're out the door, you can just say, like, I was going to pay for it, right? Yeah. I worked lost prevention at Best Buy. Yeah, and like, until the lobster,

until you walk out the door with the lobster, they're like, oh, maybe it's just, maybe he's the way for him. Unfortunately, we got a gig, so, you know. You do, you do. Okay, fine. No more theft hacks. What's the, what's the game,

plan now. So let's do it in character, huh? Um, so I'm fairly new to this, but Zook, Sam Bell, do you know anything about these sprites? Like, how far away can you control them? Well, let me tell you. Do you know? That I don't know anything about that. Um, I bet Amber does. Amber? Ah, yes, it's a question I know well. Hmm. So I've often been asked this. It ought to be 50. Okay, so maybe this is something we find out. You should have somebody else?

Yes, and maybe we ask around about the auctioneer. I'm willing to bet the curator, or just from like the way, you know, the curator's interest, the auctioneer's interest. Maybe the curator knows something about this auctioneer, and Uncle Joshi got an invite to the auction, so maybe this is... We have some leads, is what I'm saying. We have connections to the auctioneer. Curator would want to help us, too, right? Oh, yeah. It's his mission and his animals.

Let's go talk to the curator. Okay. I don't know who's that is, but we can talk to the curator. The curator is, like, outside of the building. Like, we turn around and he's right there? Yeah, he went out there to vape real quick. Oh, hello. Oh, hell goes the investigator.

Oh, yes. Is that raspberry? Woo. No, this is just plain flavor. Oh, so the curator's natural breath is raspberry. Yes. The investigation is going well. A big start.

We figured out who the ghost was that was stealing the animals. We stopped that from being able to happen anymore. You might say. We busted your ghost. We did do this, yes. And it made me feel good, if I'm being honest. I feel a little sad. So we are who you wanted to call in the first place?

Yes. Well, you did call us, and we came and we busted all over. You all were talking like space aliens. Okay. The way that the structure of these sentences is very confusing. I'm willing to better. You were saying that busting makes you feel good. Yes, indeed.

We weren't afraid of no ghosts because there were no ghosts there. But you were, that that means that you were afraid of all ghosts. We were afraid there were no ghosts. Yes, and we were correct. Hey, what's these spots you got running around? What's the story on these guys? They are, you know, automated sort of living spells. You enchant something, you say, hey, go do this.

And it goes and it does the thing. Who sets us up for you? You got a IT guy or IS guy? I mean, we get some help from the, parish. You know, they do a lot of the magic sort of stuff for us. We get some help from, let's see. I mean, there's, there's no shortage of sort of enchanters in the city who know how to whip these things up. Wait, wait, why are you asking about our sprites? Oh, so this is what was happening is there was a sprite that was projecting a hard light, you know, a hologram. And that was

the spirit that was stealing the animals. We have stopped this sprite, but we are trying to figure out if somebody wanted to, not just automate, but control, remotely control the sprite, where, like, what's the range for that spell would be? Oh, definitely 50. 50? I thought it seemed like 50. Just a standard 50?

Amber just said, yeah, Amber just said that. I'm hurt you didn't trust me. No, I just wanted confirmation. No, I was slipping into Russian. No, I just wanted confirmation on this. Can any of you all... Okay, I'll just ask this in character, why not? Can either you all detect magic, like, sense it from somewhere?

Like, if somebody were using it in here, like, you could get a hint of it, get a whiff? Hmm. Well, no. but there are people that can. I mean, if we went to them, we could probably get them to see if they can, you know, trace any magical... Looking for something.

That ain't such a momentum killer, you know? I don't know. Can you detect magic? Uh, no. No. No, no. No, there's no. No, I can't.

I can't even think of a reality in which I would be able to do that. If it, if it hits, helps, these sprites they cost an arm and a leg. And so one that can be sort of controlled, you said, remotely. That is not going to be an item that is, that any old Joe off the street is going to be able to afford. Light bulb. Light bulb. Oh, God.

We just look for somebody with one arm and one leg. Oh, boy. Okay. Now, we do have a bit of a lead on who we think was controlled. Do you have any familiarity with someone who is maybe goes by or just is an auctioneer? Only rumors, hearsay. Of course, I've heard of the abyssal auction. I have my fingers to the post that at least that deep,

or else I would not be a particularly good curator of historical artifacts. I have never attended one of these auctions myself. Well, the auctioneer was stealing your animals. Oh, well, that's infuriating. Yeah. Yeah. You hate to hear it. You got to, like, we're going to keep working on this, but you got to get, like, better security.

Yeah, lock this down. I mean, okay, but in my defense, it's like he creates some sort of hollow ghost. Like, you know, that's pretty clever, don't you think? It's not like we just, like, welcome people in here and say, touch the orbs. Yeah, but every crime is going to be new. Yeah, that's fine. If you did the exact same thing twice, it wouldn't work with it. And you have to be careful because here in the ocean, there's probably, let's see, oceans,

11, 12, maybe 13 people. I'm going to barf. Okay. Listen, I've not met the auctioneer, but I know there are people in this city who have done some dealings in these auctions before. So if you find a lot. one of them, maybe you'll find a lead, but I don't know what to tell you otherwise. Hmm. We need to find somebody who is connected to the auction, right?

Where we know that Aloysius Supreme. Right. Still, a great name was there. Maybe he knows how to find the auctioneer? Well, they must have been invited by somebody, right? Yes, this is what I'm saying, right? So you must have some kind of connection. I don't want to ask a mash.

of shipworms that seems like a Well I could ask him for you I could ask him for you Oh you know We could probably

I guess we could ask Felix Felix sent I don't think the shipworms were acting on their own I don't know

Who do I guess Maybe Codira What do you say Dever Codira did not know

that those two operatives for the chaperones were working kind of on their own What do you think

Amber Who should we talk to You know, it's hard when you're trying to figure out who to interview and you're certain that everybody, literally everybody, knows more than you do about a given subject. Uh-huh. Also, they all share Griffin's brain. Yeah. So it's like maybe any of them could probably tell her.

Right. Wow. Wow. Um, I think we should talk to Alish is supreme just so we have an opportunity to say that a few times. I think this is true. Also, I think we, probably when we stole Dreams of Debra, another bad taste was left there. We might be able to repair that bridge a little bit to next metaphors, yes. Okay.

If you all have an accord or consensus, if you all have sworn a vow to talk to Aloysius Supreme. On my life, we will do Aloysius Supreme. Curator, it seems that we. might have need to speak with Aloysius Supreme. The dude sucks. He does suck, yes. But if you have any, like, old, like, real good wine that you could part with, that you would not maybe have, like, an extra bottle,

that we could give to Aloysius Supreme to grease the wheels? He thinks for a moment, and he says, I mean, the items we have in our position are important sort of historical artifacts. I'm not sure I can just part with one of them so that you can impress a douche bag. Well, I guess my question would be, what is more important, an artifact or a

living creature that could potentially procreate and create more of them to repopulate the surface world? Oh, gross. You're thinking about them doing it? That's gross, but... You're the one who keeps him to guess us so they can fuck. I know, I know, I'm nasty too. Why don't you make a persuasion check? See how nasty he is?

Be nasty with me. It's only 14. Five plus nine. He says, come with me. And he takes you to his office where he produces a big, big, big, big bottle. Like almost novelty-sized bottle filled with wine. And it's already like a third empty.

and so he pours, he sort of decants it into a small flask and puts a stopper in it and hands it to you. And he says, this is, hold on, I have to come up with a cool name for it. This is a crimsonia Cabernet. It is the last of its vintage before the storm made the fields fallow. And, you know, you can talk it up, obviously. There's more of it than just this, but it's, you know, it's wine and you seem like a good liar. So you can say, like, this is a special boy that was created by the king of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know?

Okay. I know exactly what you mean, yes. Okay. He answers that to you. And he says, he is, I will tell you this and you probably have known this because anybody who has met, Alouish is supreme for more than like 45 seconds knows this, but he is very flatterable. Loves that. And that is the way to his, well, his brain, where the information resides that you need to, you know, finish this solving this crime.

Indeed. Thank you very much for your help. Thank you. We will finish this for you and get your animals back very soon. Cool. And they don't pay you money for it. Sounds like a good deal. Commerce.

Man, capitalism beats ass, yes. Yes, geek economy. It's like I need a thing and I have money. And so I get money to do the thing. It kicks it. And then I don't have to do it. No, and there's a service that I can provide that you cannot do, but I do not have some money. And I am more powerful than you because my money number is higher than yours.

Yes, but eventually if I work hard, maybe my money number will grow as well. But it never will be because the ones with the bigger money number make sure that your money number will never. even come close. And you figured out how to not give away parts of your money number where I believe it is my duty.

The rest of you do have to give away money number. Yes. It's fucking great. I've been taught that this is the way it works but you seem to know a system. Yes.

Oh, I made it. And here's the secret. You ready, boys? Come on in. Yes. I made the system too. So like it's like I came in charge of a boat.

Obeying the rules that I created. It's a nonstop party for me. Anyway. This is very good. Anyway. I'm glad it's a fantasy podcast and not real life because that would fucking suck. Go ahead and do something else.

Let's go see. Speaking of capitalism, the Ballester of Commerce. Cool. You all make your way up to the ballast where you are. I think the security guards there are maybe more than anybody else in the city, like, revere the three of you because they saw how fucking bad it got firsthand. during the last arc. And so as you approach...

There's a lot of celebratory buttpats. Yeah, no, but there's a lot of autograph requests. All of which are granted. Oh, yeah, divo's eating that up. You kidding me? Always. I bet Zooks makes his own ink. Now that I think about it.

Oh, don't say that for him. That dirty, nasty boy. And you all are permitted into the office, Aloysius Supreme and you are forced to wait there for a while before he returns Devo. Yes. Zooks. Listen, I'm not going to, you know when I just start to talk and things come out all screwy, right? Right?

Little scrambled eggs. So I just thought it would be good maybe if you acted like we needed to be able to control a sprite for, adventure that we were doing. Oh, you know what I mean? Like, ploy. A clever ploy. Yeah. Let me offer a counter-approach.

I'm sorry, stupid. No, no. This is not stupid. This is not stupid. But perhaps with the flattery angle, we say, oh, we have, we are just absolutely stumped on this one. And we need to approach one of the most clever people we have meant to help us, because We just, we can't figure out with our tiny brains how we would get a hold of an auctioneer, how any of this works. That's great.

And we treated like we are real dummies. That's great. Yeah, that's why you see, that's why you do the talk. All right. I just wanted to say, I had that one thought. I just wanted to. This is not the, listen, this is not a bad thought because, you know, sometimes I can really beef it on this. So if I go bad, right, then you come in.

And you go, oh, one last question. This has nothing to do with the investigation. But I have this sprites that I've been trying to power up and you seem like, oh, you have a lot of cool toys. And you seem like you are into the latest and greatest. You're about to say this again, you know, in about 30 minutes. And if anybody, I don't know why someone would be listening to this conversation and then that conversation. But I feel like if they had to hear it twice, they may be kind of bored. You know what I mean?

Yes, yes. Just in case, go ahead and give Amber the sprite that's in your bag. Okay. So we're ready for that. Oh, yeah. And is there some sort of secret password if you want me to punch him in the face four times real fast? I will say, let's say, if I shoot him with a crossbow, then you can punch. No.

This is not going to be the sign. Oh, okay. Maybe I will change my jacket, right, into. a big middle finger. Nice. And you will know to start the punching and the shooting. But Zooks, shoot him in the butt or the foot.

Oh, no, was I going to kill him? I just said I would shoot him. But you can see why I would feel the need to say this, right? Sure. Okay. Yeah, in the context, yeah. The door opens to Alavish's office and in floats. I can't just say real quick.

Yeah. That wasn't edited, folks. There was one eighth of a second of Griffin. This is how tied in we are where Griffin knows exactly when we're done with garbage. Like, well, they've done enough garbage now. I know that their garbage meters are all full. I've let them fucking do all the garbage they need. Now I'm moving on.

Not a second too early, but not a second too late. In floats a large sprite. and it is Hell yeah, I can go for that Yeah, man It is Oh boy I haven't craved the Sprite in a decade

No kidding I have not drunk a Sprite In a hundred years And thinking of a nice Cool Sprite would be Oh shit That would be nice All this talk about Sprites

Been driving me wild for Sprite I know I gotta call my friend LeBron James and see if he's got any handy Bring him on over I would even at this point And I should have to say I would drink Ceramist

at this point I don't know about that. Oh, no. So you're thirsty for water, but you'll accept piss? This glowing cube is a bright, brassy, flashing, multicolored thing that is just like pulsating, like house music. Oh, hell yeah. And it flashes in rhythm, and a voice comes out of it that says, Oh, damn, here he comes.

The baluster of commerce itself, Aloysius Supreme. And Alois just like runs in. He's got a hype cube. Holding his hands up for high fives that. Oh, diva delivers. He dodges your hand. It's too slow, nerd. And then he sits down in his chair.

Hey, he's panting. All right. Is the cube still playing music and flashing lines? No, he he claps his hands twice and the cube retreats from the room. He says, so, you guys just want the keys to my ship? Should I just make it easier for you this time? And you can just... Good joke.

But yes. No, no. No, I'm not going to steal your ship. Okay. If he gives them, we're not stealing it. Zooks. I should tell you three, I am taking this meeting as a sort of professional courtesy. Because the other balusters are wild about you guys.

And I think you are a bunch of good for nothing, thieves. And I want nothing to, like less than nothing to do with the three of you. So I'm going to sit here and just kind of nod my head. And occasionally I'll make sort of a monoslav. like, hmm, until it's been sort of long enough that I can remove the three of you by force from my office and then go on with the rest of my day. Well, before we begin, may I ask you one question? If it's absolutely necessary. Does Crimsonia Cabernet mean anything to you?

Make an insight check. Uh, 16 total. He immediately puts on false pretenses of, like, of course. He says, of course I know about Crimsonia. Crimsonia. So you know how highly prized this wine is, a fine vintage from a now extinct graves that you have not been able to produce this since the storm. began, but we, lean close, my friend, we were able to procure you some as a bit of a peace offering.

This was spared no expense. This is one of the last flasks of the Crensonia Cabernet that is available. Only the elite is just this and the curator's private collection. and we were able to get you some to say that we feel terrible about everything that has passed before. And in fact, some say, and this is, you know, maybe this is just rumor, but some say that when you drink the Crimsonia Cabernet, you can actually taste the sorrow and the regret of your enemies, and it tastes so sweet. It's skunknuts again, isn't it?

Oh, no, my friend. This is Crimsonia Academy. Not you, not you, you. You. And he points at you, Amber. And he says, this is skunk nuts, yes? Which one? This one, he points at the bottle.

He says, I want you to tell me that that is not skunk nuts. Yeah. Yeah, it's no problem. It's not skunk nuts. Okay. He says, I know a liar when I see one, and that's clearly. not skunk nuts.

I need a roll choice. Oh, it's not a lie. Well, it's not. It's not skunknuts. Yeah, it's true. Okay, yeah. Because skunknuts wine goes through

you like an ape. I can't have another character that can't lie. Yeah. I can't do it twice. He takes it and he looks at it. He holds it up to the light and

shakes it and pops open the cork and goes, Okay. Well, You need to spit it out, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, you got to try a little bit more. I know that on the second, a big gulp, it really hits.

Typically, I smell it. That was a smelling sound. You got a, oh, really? God, dang, Griffin. It was a wet, listen, you don't understand how to really do it if you think that that was a weird sound to make to huff it. Next time. Let's make a promise next season of the Adventure Zone.

No wet sniffs. Okay, sure. No wet sniffs. No wet sniffs. No wet sniffs. You got to, okay, then let me do that bit again. Okay. You got to, hey, listen, you already popped it open, right?

He did pop it open, didn't he? He did. Mm-hmm. Okay. You got to drink it. I mean, straight up, the air's getting in quick. You got maybe 30 minutes before it's all gone. All the good flavors and tambums.

Oh, yes, the tamboms. Yes, they will sublimate. Oh, for sure. I hate that. They'll similee all over the place, and you don't want any of that. This is a fun game. He grabs out four little tiny brandy glasses. Hell yes.

and pours a splash in each one. Done. He hands one to each of you, and he says, two new stuff. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Wait. We were supposed to do it at the same time. I'm sorry. Hit me in it. Don't do that again, though. Okay. Okay, splash. All right.

Two fresh starts. What? I was just putting out my pinky. It's the sound I make when I put out my pinky. And we're all doing this kind of. You're right? What was I thinking? It's like a fancy ballroom thing. Zooks.

Yoinks. Okay. All right. That's your ring finger. Yeah. Oh, right. No, that's middle finger. Middle.

Oh, okay. Oh, no, you can't do that in public, Zeus. All right. All right. So to new beginnings and to old. to old tampons. To old tampons. Then he tips it.

He says, okay. Now, I have extended the time limit that I am willing to entertain the three of you in my office by an extra two minutes. So, because of this generous offer. So what are you fucking what? The question we have is a bit of a delicate nature, yes? We find ourselves,

needing to procure some things that maybe might be hard to find. And we have heard mentions that perhaps the abyssal auction might be the way in which we can find these items. But we have no idea how to get in contact with the auction. And why would you think that I would know anything about the abyssal auction or where to find it? Well, you were at the last one. Well, you don't know what it wasn't? Well, let's say, that's stupid. No, we are not saying you were there, but you are the baluster of commerce.

And frankly, the most intelligent person we have had the chance to meet in our team. He just said I was there. He is saying in the hypothetical sense, right, that if anyone knows how to find it and how to get there, how to be there, how to perhaps know people who were there, it would be you. You could have been there, and us, us dunces wouldn't have been any of the wash. If it helps, I was speaking to Devo, because he was there. Okay. You all were at the... No, hypothetically.

Once again, Duke's speaking hypothetically. You all were the turquoise team, weren't you? No. I thought I recognized your voices because you have a very distinctive accent. That was the three of you. I was using a different accent. Now that our cover is blown, I would just say... You assaulted me.

No, what? I might have. He stands up from the table and says, I think we're done here. I think you all need to leave right now. How would it affect your reputation in town if everyone found out you were at the abyssal auction buying black market goods?

Hmm, that's an excellent question that I had not considered. He goes, and, slums back down in his table and folds his fingers and he says, Okay, I'm intrigued. What is it that you need from the auction? There are some items that have been stolen from the curator. What items? Animals.

Interesting. And we need to return these animals so that we can complete this job. and, you know, continue to support the gig economy here in Founders Wake, which I assume you as the baluster of commerce, fully support the idea of trade, goods and services, etc. Hmm. You all know. Well, maybe you don't. the kind of circles that you are attempting to kind of poke your nose into are filled with powerful people

who would not necessarily appreciate the intrusion. I understand you all are contractors, you all have a job to do, but you may want to consider the fact that you are biting off a bit more than you can chew. Well, if I may, not to be disrespectful, but that is an us problem that we can deal with, and I appreciate your concern. But what we need from you is information. How does one get in contact with the abyssal auction to obtain an invitation or to contact with the auctioneer directly? Oh, the auctions are done. They won't do another one after what happened last time. That was a bit too loud.

Ah, but if you, this is interesting. This can't come back to me, do you understand? Oh, of course, yes. I need your vow that this will not come back to me, okay? You keep my name out of your mouth when it comes to this, do you understand? I would never solace the name Aloysius Supreme with this tate. You two? Gross.

You two? I believe it's Aloysius Love Supreme. I'm not, it's no, fine. Yes. Yeah. He opens up his desk drawer and pulls out a, what looks like a fairly thick black business card that he slides across the table to you all. And in gold font across it is a single word in the fanciest font that there is, which we all know, is. Times New Roman.

Yeah, it's Times New Roman. And it says, crescendo. He says, the auctioneer is, um, hmm, the auctioneer is into some stuff that is not necessarily above board. There's an organization, he heads, that I occasionally supply delicious wines to, just like this. Hmm. Krimskine. Cabaret, and I have gotten the impression that maybe they're dealing in some more nefarious deeds. And so I've just like, after that last auction, I was like, no way, dude, I don't want any more of this stuff.

And so I've cut ties, but his invitation still stands, and maybe you all could make more use of it than I can. and he slides the card across the table to you two, two, three. Devo takes the card. This group is, well, they're cult adjacent, I would say. Oh. Whenever they have purchased wines from me in the past, they're really only interested in the really rare shit. The final, the final vintages of things.

That's their soul fascination, this organization, the last of things. This tracks with the name, doesn't it? Crescendo. Yeah. Great, great stuff, Devo. I mean, no, I'm just agreeing with you. This makes sense. And you are so wise.

Hmm. Yeah. Hey, listen. Sidebar? Yes. I appreciate even empty flatterings. but when it gets sort of like compliments for a toddler who's learned how to tie his shoes good,

it gets a little, like I know what you're doing here, obviously. Polite and flattery is very new for me. This is honestly the best I can do. Okay. This card, and he swipes his finger across the word on it, and the edges of the card, like light up in one corner, and he says, this will get you to their installation. where Crescendo operates out of,

and I assume the auctioneer will be found there as well. I cannot promise you will be welcomed with open love in arms, but... And again, let's practice this. You show up, the auctioneer's like, Hey! Because that's what he... I don't know, maybe that's what he sounds like.

Hey, you guys, where did you even get this card? And you all say... We killed the man. Oh. And we'll do the same to you. Yes, he shot him just to watch him die. And then we found this car in Reno. Okay.

And then we found this card. Just so I know you know what I'm saying, the thing you don't say is he's like, Not Aloysius Supremes, that's for sure. Okay. This is a huge mistake I'm making. No. We will keep your name safe. No, we'll keep you safe.

Don't you worry about it? Um, good. I see this relationship as being, uh, very useful. You seem like a man who likes the finest things. And we are, uh, story adventurers who like to get paid. Yes. So perhaps we can come to an arrangement. Should we find any fancy wine or things exist that perhaps you would like?

I think this, we can all agree that this is the start of a long and prosperous friendship. Okay. Well, we'll see. I mean, acquaintance for sure. I don't know how you said that. Yes. We'll start to look. See, Amber, that's how you lie.

He says, okay, for real, we've squashed a lot of beef here today, and that's important. And I feel good about it. But you do need to, you, I have so much stuff to do today. And I need you all to leave. Right now? Yeah, basically. Okay, we leave. We leave.

Oh, good luck. You'll need it. What did you say? say? We didn't hear that. We left. Yeah, what was this? I said, good luck.

Slu Debit. Ah, of course, the ancient language. Yeah, it didn't threaten it. It was not a threat. Anyway, I got to go. I have a dentist appointment. Okay. Okay, we had already late.

Oh, my teeth are hurting. We were out of the door. Oh, is it tooth herty already? Oh. Taking a joke out of Highlights magazine. I like it. You'll be tooth-hirty before the day is done. Sorry, what was this?

We're not hearing any of that. I didn't, I said, you'll be boo flirty before me near none. Are you flirting with us, my friends? He stands and says, well, uh, I better be hitting the road. You all, good luck. Don't get me killed. Don't get yourselves killed. Wait, sorry, should we go to?

because this is your office. Why don't you wait like two minutes so we don't have that uncomfortable like I don't want to be on an elevator with the three of you. That sounds like my fucking nightmare. So you all just kick it a few minutes. Don't steal nothing.

And, you know, let me know when it's, I mean, when it's, let me know when it's finished sounds pretty ominous, huh? Well, I'm gonna leave that energy just kind of sitting there, he says. Devo counts to 120 Mississippi, and then they leave. I'm a psychic.

My name is psychic, Carrie. I'm Ross. Oh, what a pleasure to meet you. Of course, I knew your name was Ross, as I am a psychic. But please, take a seat. Well, I was hoping we could talk about my podcast. Yes, I know. It's called Oh, No, Ross and Carrie.

Yes. We investigate for science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal. You took the words right out of my mouth. Yes. This whole podcast, it sounds. like it's been a real challenge for you lately. Actually, it's a lot of fun. Yes, exactly.

Because it's so fun. I don't know how you do it. This will be $75. Okay, that seems fair. Oh no, Ross and Carrie. At maximum fun.org. You knew it was a dot org. I have a gift.

Schmanners. Noun. Definition. Rules of etiquette designed not to judge others, but rather to guide ourselves through everyday social situations. Hello, internet. I'm your husband host, Travis McElroy.

And I'm your wife host. Teresa McElroy. Every week on Schmanors, we take a look at a topic that has to do with society or manners. We talk about the history of it. We take a look at how it applies to everyday life. And we take some of your questions. And sometimes we do a biography about a really cool person that had an impact on how we view etiquette. So join us every Friday and listen to Schmanters on Maximumfund.org or wherever podcasts are found.

Manners Schmaners. Get it. Okay. You all have... have a lot right now. Is there anything else that you want to do before you push off on this mission? Should we circle back on Devo?

You wanted to do a special something during the investigation scene that you... Oh, yes. Devo... More or less left and came back from. What was it? Devo went to go see

The Hand of Gardens. Regarding what? Let's play it out. Pof! Hand of guidance? Yes. What? Sorry, sorry, wrong room.

Let me try a different room. How about this? When you went to the parish earlier, the receptionist there was, is the one who greeted you. And she said, the hand of guidance isn't really free right now. She's busy. I mean, she leans in close. She's looking, she's decrypting some stuff that you brought in. No, yes.

I know. this is why I am here. Yeah, well, she's busy right now. She's the balancer. Oh, is she busy? She's busy in their office? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Diva just walks to the office. Okay. As you open the door, you indeed, you see the hand of guidance is working. She is looming over the table with that black sphere that you all recovered from the ship. And she has her hands sort of outstretched over. it and there is like you know there are sigils and shit appearing all over that are kind of like spinning around the table and standing on the other end of the table doing the exact same thing you see brothers seldom and brother seldom looks up at you and says uh divo what it's what are you doing here do you need something where did we and as as they like interrupt the flow all those sigils disappear and he goes damn it Yes, yes, Devo. I needed to talk to guidance for a moment.

No one told me that you were busy. I had no idea. The receptionist runs in and says, I told him that you guys were busy. I told him you guys were busy. This is a lie. She is lying. I had no idea.

The hand of guidance looks at you and says she's not lying. No, I know. No, I was being cheeky. Okay. We are doing our best to try and make sense of what this is that you brought to us, Devo, and we are working very hard. And some people very much don't want to be here right now. And she looks over at Brother Seldom. And she says, so what is it that we can help you with?

I need a moment alone with you, guidance. Brother Seldom looks at you and kind of tilts his head and says, Devo, I know you have your differences with the hand of guidance. but we are on the verge of something pretty major here. And you know what? This isn't my place. He goes and brushes past you as he walks out of the room. And he says, but we need to get back to work soon, okay? Yes, of course.

Of course, yes. Very much so. Okay. He leaves. Devo closes the door behind him. Okay. So it's just the two of them. Okay.

Guidance what? aren't you telling everyone else? What do you know about this, that you are not telling them? Are you kidding me? She says. Are you kidding me? Let me check.

No. But there is, if there is one word that I would use to describe you, it is withholding. And so, let's see, we find a benevolence ship

from Harmonine. Hmm. Hummonine, just so I make sure hominine, the city that I walked away from and walked away from your life. To come here and set up a new branch of the church that worships the gods that founded hominine.

Yes, yes, that's the one. So I would say you are probably the preeminent expert on all things benevolence in hominine. And yet, when we find this ship, you say, I know nothing about this. This is a mystery to me as much as it is to anyone else. She walks over to the door. She walks past you and opens it. And she says, you are not free to come and go. from my office and come in here and insult me and I know that you got a raw deal because of what I did.

I am well aware of that, Devo, okay? I do not appreciate you coming and insinuating that I am conspiring against the city that I left my life behind to help establish. I don't, okay, she looks outside of the receptionist and says, Devo's leaving now and she walks back to the table. She gestures to Brother Seldom to come back in Who looks at you and walks up and says Devo You need to give this some space, okay? You got to understand.

You have to understand. I know her better than you. And what she does, What the hand of guidance is meant to be, what it represents is a beacon, right? right and the beacon can guide but it can also blind her whole purpose is to draw people into trusting the parish

into trusting benevolence into trusting you cannot trust her make an insight check uh it's a 17 plus 8 25 oh okay he's pissed off he looks at you and he says well thank you Devo

for telling me how I should deal with a member of the church that I have known for my entire life. I am taking every precaution that I need to take and you need to understand that maybe you don't know everything that you think you do. and that I am, I am doing everything I need to do to keep this city safe right now. So I appreciate your confidence, but maybe consider that you don't know her as well as you think you do. And he walks into her office and shuts the door. And you hear a click as it locks behind him. Now we're back in real present time. And you all, does anybody?

have any other business here in the city before you push off? We don't have any money to spend. You have two luxes. Yeah. We got two lucks to rub together. If you want to spend the last of your two lux to rub together on rations that... Then I guess we need rations, Griffin. We've got to eat.

Got to eat. Unless we're going to stop by like an undersea fancy McDonald's on the way there. Come on. one. Okay. Do you want basic rations, which basically cancels out the negative? The best rations two Lux can buy. That's generous rations.

That gives you a plus two to your readiness rating. Really nice. Really good rations. I am also going to give you a plus five to Intel because you all did a really good job. Cracken the case, so to speak. Hell yeah. What's that mean? What do you mean?

Cracken. It's a big animal, like tentacles. No, I got that. What's our intel? How's that help? It adds to your readiness rating whenever you make a random roll. Which, as you push off from Founders Wake, following the sort of tracker on this business card, I do want you all to make your random roll, please. Oh, God, who's turning?

I haven't done it in a while. Can I go? Yeah, Trow, do it. So, one D100. 68. Oh, so close. Dang. It's.

I was almost. Almost funny. Oh, damn it. Okay, 68 plus 9 is 77. Yes. Yes. That's two lucky numbers. That's really lucky.

It's also the heart of the disco era. You find a billion dollars. But money doesn't mean it. If only it were luck, this is just paper. All right. You all are basically headed out into open ocean. Like the other sort of jobs have taken you toward geographical undersea sort of landmarks, like the abyss or the vital flats or, you know, all these, all these different places.

This is basically just like a big, empty ocean that this card is leading you out to. And you've been going that way for a couple hours when all of a sudden your tone wheel chimes very faintly and you hear a voice. come through it and the voice says, Hello? Hello? Oh my God, hello. Is someone there? Can you hear me?

Hello? Yes, hello. Is this real? Are you a ship? Are you, are, who is this? This is the ship? Who is this? This is Matt.

I'm a, I'm a delivery driver for Faracore. My engine's dead. I've been out here for like, Five days. Can you please help me? Please. I'm going to make an insight check, Griffin, to see how I feel about this situation.

Okay. Oh, I don't have to say that in advance. Oh, nope. That's a two plus eight. That's a ten. Yeah, so what you have picked up is that a dude named Matt, who's a delivery driver for a company called Faracor, is in a ship that his engine has been dead for a long time.

and he needs help. Devo? Yes. May I offer a suggestion? Always, yes. Tell him 10-4 good buddy, what's your 20? Okay. 14, good buddy, what's your 20?

No. No, 10. No, I was joshing. Okay. Where are you? Great one, he says. Good jokes. So I'm dying.

Uh-huh. Amber, do you know anything about this fair accord? Um, let me do, um, history maybe. History? Yeah. Nope. Fuck. You've, with an eight, uh, you've seen the name before.

And it's like, uh, let me think of like what a earth equivalent. It's like, you see the name of companies on trucks and they're like, oh, well, we do, uh, industrial, uh, sort of management of, uh, okay, yeah. Is it like when you get something from D. D.H.L and you're like, what is this? The fuck is D. Right. No, it's not a... Who uses D.HL?

Yeah. I assume it's for deliveries for the hockey league. Would have to be my... Hey, shout out to D.HL. I am sorry. I don't know anything about you. Yeah. Yeah.

I say we help him. I mean, maybe it is... I don't know. If he's a trap, it is a very weird trap to set up here and it's the middle of the open ocean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's help them out.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. You follow the signal from the tone wheel and find a ship. It's bigger than your own. Mostly you can see is just sort of like... Dibs.

Oh, okay. Mostly it's just like a large cargo space with like a tiny bridge attached to the front of it. And it is like completely dark. It is fully without power. Is it a peer damaged? Make a investigation check. Any of you can make an investigation check.

No, two plus three. Or no, wait. What? Nine. Sorry, nine plus three. Twelve. Uh, sixteen. Twoks.

Yep. Investigation check. It is a nine. Amber. Roll again. Do better. All right. Now it's a 15.

You get the impression, Amber, that you are seeing this ship in a one. in a way that Zooks and Devo, like, are not. And it's not just that, like, you are, you know, smarter than them and, like, able to survey this ship better than them. You actually notice that, like, it's like you're looking through air when you are investigating the ship in the water. The lights of the Coriolis are just, like, shining off of it. It's the only illumination. But it's like you are looking at something in a large, room right in front of you, not like you are looking at something through cloudy salt water.

And this has happened a couple times now where you have been sort of on the Coriolis and when you look outside, it's like, you know, you're wearing a new prescription of glasses. Oh, my gosh. So when you're underwater, it's like you are seeing things more clearly than you are on land or rather, I guess, in the city or on a ship or something. With a 16, you can see that it is not damaged. You can't see any sort of external damage. Aside from the fact that the engines aren't on, the power is not on, there is no sign of life here.

Guys, two things. One, it seems not dangerous. Two, I think I have C-Cing. What? C-seeing. That's when you send an email to somebody else. It is. Thank you, Zooks, yes. But also, like, I can see through the ocean with my incredible fish sight, my sea-seeing.

Okay. Whoa. And your... Do you see, see-seeing? You see-seeing. Through the sea, and it's not dangerous. This is not... This is fine.

C. I'm practicing my Spanish a little bit. Then let's help this guy out, I guess. Okay. How are you doing that? The bathosphere? Okay. Are we still in communication with him?

Yeah, I mean, if you want to be. Well, I mean, does he want rescued, or does he want us to try to haul his ship? Hulling his ship isn't going to do any good, is it? I mean, he'll die. No, and his ship is bigger than our ship. He says, yeah, I mean, I just don't have anything to repair my entrance with, so I don't know if you, You all have some tools or... Okay, wait.

So to clarify, Matt, are you asking for a ride or are you asking for us to help you fix your ship? I mean, I can't just leave my merchandise out here. I would be as good as dead, so... Well, not as good as dead, huh? Because... That's fair. I mean, I suppose if you would take me aboard and I could go home, that's one thing. but if you guys could just like, you know, jump my ship, you know what I mean?

That would be better. Okay. Sure. Okay, Griffin, we're going to help repair his ship. Okay. Man, everything about every episode of Star Trek of, basically any sci-fi show I've ever watched where, like, you come upon a ship that needs help, we're about to get fucked. I just can't see what direction is coming from. Yeah, but it is coming.

It is coming, but we're going to help him. Let's do it. Well, let me press against that and say if that is your true sort of gut, oh, whatever. I'm not going to make it. No, that's what Travis feels because he's watched a lot of TV. Devo has never seen television. Could I make a suggestion? Do you think we have the time for me to swim down there and scope it out a little bit

before we just go down and start helping this guy? Uh, yeah. Why don't you go down there and start poking around the front of ship to see if you can sneak a peek through the front window? The viewport, I believe it's called. I don't think it's called a window. I would like to do that if that would be all right with you guys. Yeah.

Okay. Matt, we are sending our Brian, our friend, Zooks down to have a look to see if he can determine how we can help from the exterior first. The exterior is fine. My engine is dead. Of course. But, you know, Zooks believes, as you can tell a lot, from the exterior of a ship, it's not weird.

Mm-mm. It feels kind of, okay, yeah, fine. Yeah, okay, beggars can't be choosers. That's fine. Whatever. Okay, Zooks, uh, dives into the moon pool and heads out. Uh, okay. How exactly are you, are you scouting?

You're just like trying to look in, windows and shit? Um, I think, yeah, is there, yeah, I think he's trying to look through viewports or look through, uh, portholes or whatever. Yeah. And, uh, the cargo space itself doesn't have any like viewports that you can see. It's just like a big, like, uh, you know, 18 wheeler cargo container, essentially. The bridge you can definitely look into and it is, I mean, it's so dark in there, dude.

It is, it is derelict. You can see that there is a helm. That is unhelmed, that is unmanned at the moment. But that's like, that's like the only thing that you can see in there. Give me, why don't you give me, if you want to like make out more, you're going to need to do like an investigation check or something else. But just on first sight, that's about all you can see. Zooks is casting fairy fire.

Okay. Inside the cabin, inside the control room, whatever it is. Because it's just where he can see. It's a 20-foot cube in blue, green, or violet. Okay. And cast it on the inside of that control room, of that interior. Okay. So, fairy fire.

Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in blue, green, or violet light. Your choice. Please choose. Green. Okay. Any creature in the area when the spell is cast is also outlined in light if it fails a dexterity saving throw. For the duration, objects, and affected creatures shed dim light in a 10-foot radius. You cast this spell and you can see now inside of the bridge. And it is difficult to kind of make sense of it, right?

Because this is a room with a lot of complicated machinery and stuff that is now all blowing in bright green. light. There is one figure that is outlined in this green light that simply was not there before. But now that you have cast this spell, you have illuminated it in green light. And it is, it doesn't make any sense because you see arms and legs kind of sticking out of a vaguely like human-shaped mass that is just kind of like twisting around itself. It is, I haven't used this word in a while for this show, but it is, it is fantastimal for lack of a better word.

And you see it kind of look down at itself and acknowledge that now it is visible. and then it looks up at you, Zooks, and you see several faces, several humanoid faces, that look at you curiously. And then its arms extend and the window that you were just looking through shatters suddenly. And Devo and Amber from aboard the choreolas, you see this green light. appear and illuminate Zooks before this windshield that he was looking through shatters, and then he is pulled into this ship in the resulting implosion and then is gone. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

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