The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Ethersea - Episode 40

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Benefactor's Folly: Part Two The Coriolis responds to an ear-splitting hail seemingly received from a familiar adversary. The Benefactor's ruse is revealed, and only Zoox, Devo, Amber and Kodira can stop it. A trio of archnemeses make their final stand. Additional music in this episode: “Not to Notice” and “Dark Planet” by Andrew kn https://freesound.org/people/Andrewkn/; “The Redemption in Her Arms, The Light At the End of Her Tunnel” and “Time Travel is Possible” by Schemawound http://schemawound.com/; and “Box Cutter“ and “Time is Ticking” by Scott Holmes Music www.scottholmesmusic.com.   Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Ethersea. There's a guy named Benefactor Orlean. We think he might have some information regarding what he's going on with, you know, the Hand of Guidance and the Wisp and all of these things. May I join you all? It is a gentle green light radiating from what appears to be a statue of a four-armed figure. I'm not sure it's a statue. I think it's something inside.

My name is Amber Gray. What is your deal? It grabbed me and I saw Coda and he seemed like proud of me or something or like, please. Did anything else happen? Well, I can do this. Then I make my mega arms. Codira is visibly shaken by what she heard, floating. are nearly a dozen of those enormous battleships that are made of bleached coral.

Tracer Spike says that Dordina is here. The comm system aboard this ship is just fried. Amber and Devo, you both go out like a light, and you see a half dozen of those battleships are now staring directly in your direction with their weapons. aimed at you. Six battleships are idling in front of the Coriolis. Bad for the environment. Aiming.

Yeah, that's fair. They're pumped. And you know they're rolling coal. They are aiming a few dozen sharp-looking coral projectiles in your direction. But so far, they don't seem to be acting on that threat. Zooks, your friends are unconscious on the floor. and as you look through the viewport, you see that the ship, sort of at the vanguard of this battleship formation, it shifts slightly and from the front of it exits one of those bleached coral beings that you saw at the auction. Only this one is much larger than you or any briner you've ever seen or any of these coral figures you've ever seen.

And its head is wide and thin, kind of like a plate. And his body is made of the same sort of stark white glowing coral material that the ships and the dome below are made out of. And he swims in front of the Coriolis's viewport, almost like he's looking directly at you, Zooks. And he gestures beckoning you to him out in the open water. Okay, Zook checks the vital signs of his two compatriots just to make sure they're okay. They are, they're resting comfortably. They're actually dead. Oh, you got us.

If you'd rolled a medicine check, you would have found them to be quite dead. Oh, quite dead? Damn. No, they are fine. They are breathing. They are just seep, they're seepy. Seapy. Yeah.

Okay, so he takes you, honks you, honks you. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Snicks. Wait, hold on. What was that? Oh yeah, that was Dagwoods. That was Dagwood's thing. Snicks.

He said Snicks? Snicks. Snix X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X. Oh, boy. That Dagwood. He's a pervert. Zook takes cushions off the seats and puts him under their heads so they'll be comfortable and then he heads for the moon pool.

That smells like hearts. Okay. And dives through the moon pool and. cautiously swims up to this strange figure. Okay. As you approach this figure, they seem, their body language, or at least whatever you can read of their body language, seems uneasy. But after a sort of moment of hesitation, they swim closer to you, and they reach forward and hold out their hand. And you know that they are wanting to connect with you in a similar way that you sort of connected with the skull of the coral being that you touched after the auction during your escape. Okay.

Zooks symbolically takes his hand off of his crossbow, because it had been resting comfortably on the crossbow. He takes his hand off the crossbow, extends his hand, and takes the other hand of the other brine arm. Okay. As you do that, you see for a moment the bleach white coral of this being's hand begin to very slowly fill with color, with your color, the color of your hand. and you see that for a second and then your vision fades and then you see a vision that you know because your mind is his mind in this moment it is a vision that he is trying to send to you to communicate with you and you see the gate it is all that this being cares about. It's all that any of these bleached coral beings cares about is the gate. It's a circular aperture, about 15 feet in diameter. He calls it a passage,

and that word sticks in your mind. And you feel just his unceasing desire, all of their unceasing desire to create this passage. And in that moment you completely understand what these things are. They are just drones, not with any sort of, you know, Queen Bee or Master that is sort of giving them orders. They are driven solely by instinct to produce this passage leading to another world. And this instinct predates them. It is ancient and in their minds at least,

It is divine. And you know that they have the power to generate this thing. And they have the craftsmanship to build it. All that they are missing is the knowledge of how it is actually made. And then they show you the sort of crude shape of a man. And despite how rudimentary that shape is, you know it to be benefactor or lean. and you know that he came to them, promising to deliver that, that knowledge of how to build this passage to their people. And the choral beings agreed, and their naivete made them sort of vulnerable.

And in a moment, he took command of an army of their comrades and sealed himself and them. inside the dome that you see below. You know that their battleships have the firepower to break through that dome probably, but they can't because that dome is, you know, it's made of coral. It is made of their people, essentially, all sort of twisted and contorted into this grotesque shape. And you feel this sense of betrayal and sadness and anger. But more than anything, you feel his desperation and hope that you might be able to do something to help because these coral beings remember you from the auction. And they think you are powerful.

And they feel like you will be able to access whatever is inside the dome and set their people free. and then you are sort of jarred back to reality as this being let's go of your hand quickly and you see that the color has spread up to like their bicep or where a human bicep would be and very slowly it sort of trickles away back toward the fingers sort of returning to its bleached white form but this thing looks at you almost like it wants a response because it has a, essentially laid out all the cards on the table. Are we still in contact, the hands? No, you, you have, they have, they have released your hand.

They are, roll an insight check for me. She. Four. Not very insightful. It, it, it seems, it just seems uneasy with, with you. You know from the, the message that they sent that they think you're powerful, so you assume that is the extent of it. Zooks gives the universal gesture of acceptance.

He gives them two thumbs up. And maybe the, you know, finger guns. Finger guns. That's universal. That's very good. And that's a, I will. And also, don't worry about it. Like, phew, going to be simple.

Got it covered. I'm a cool dude. Yeah. Got it covered. Actually, when you stick out the finger guns, all of the weapons on the battleships aimed directly at you because they sense it to be like a threat to. Zook gives two peace signs.

Two peace signs. Oh, they're British. Oh, no. Their weapons lower and actually retract into the ship. And this huge coral being nods and swims back to that front battleship. And then he does the universal coral symbol for OK, which is the jerk off motion. He does the jerk off motion. And then you know everything's at peace.

You see through the ship that once he gets back inside, all the other coral figures make jerk off motions too. And as they nods solemnly. And they nod solemnly. And with that, the battleships part and basically get out of your way and sort of assume a perimeter around the dome. Okay. Zook travels back up to the ship, goes back up where Amber and Devo are, and very lightly uses swarmkeeper magic. Well, actually just mage hand, to kind of spray a little sprits on their faces of seawater,

a little cool seawater to try to rouse them up, wake them up. Okay. Yeah, that works. Amber and Devo, you are met with a swarm hand. What's it made out of? I guess some fun little kelp. Okay. You wake up to a slimy, kelpy hand.

Yeah, no one's ever been like swimming in the ocean and some kelp brushed them and thought, how refreshing. Wouldn't that jerky into consciousness, though? Yeah, it definitely does. Okay, Amber and Devo, you all are awake. Your ears are ringing, but no damage has been done as far as you can tell. You wake up and you see Zooks standing over you. You see smoke coming from the console where the, uh, the, uh, the, the, uh, the, the, uh, tone wheel is, and know that it has been thoroughly wrecked.

And a few moments later, Codero walks in, holding her head. And she's like, what the whole shit was that? Okay, let me start off by telling you. They don't mean this any harm. And they're my new buds. They're not as, they're not best buds like you all, but they are. They are buds. They are on our side.

They are out to get Orleans to. Orleans. It's just Orleans. There's just one of them. Right. There's not multiple. Orlean has kind of taken over a chunk of their buddies. Yes.

This is what he does. Yes. Remember he's a clam? Yes. Yeah. But they are not. They are not part of his crew. And they want us to get into that dome and free their friends.

So we've got backup. We got backup. You know, we've got the ninjas that'll repel down from the top of the fake volcano to help us out. So we can proceed. We can move on. Isn't that great? Amber, isn't that great? Yeah, I guess.

All the coral stuff is no offense, but I don't really get it. I also think, and excuse me for a little. being obtuse, but my head is still ringing. Sure. Yeah. We are not in a dissimilar positions than we were, you know, 10 minutes ago. We're still facing this domes that we do not see an entryway into and or leave. Oh, I'm so sorry.

That thing really fucking rung my bell. Oh, is this you? I honestly thought that was dad. I did too. Your yard sound sounds like our dad's, Yeah. Man, genetics are so weird. I just really like the image of Amber just casually funny.

Like this is a very normal. Every state of day. Let me get on the intercom. Urchin, clean up. You fucking turn on the intercom and are immediately just blasted with another way. No, the intercom doesn't work. But it doesn't matter. Urchin rolls down from the ceiling and he's holding a mob.

And he's just like, Time to make the donuts. He starts cleaning it up. I can't believe he did that. Yeah. He's really come around since we gave him a raise. He's gone in for a promotion. Yeah, really.

I don't even feel like he's draining our resources anymore, don't you think, Griffin? Yeah. No, he definitely is. Coderis says, so how are we supposed to get down there? Because I'm about ready to fuck this guy's whole deal up. Thank you.

Yes. Thank you for getting on board with this. This guy is a complete asshole at this point, right? Absolutely. Yeah, he's been an asshole. Now, Kadira, you probably have more experience with this technology, but the blink plate, we can't see, right? What's the risk of, like, getting really close

and just saying, like, we are going to blink, you know, 30 feet this way, and then we will be inside the dome. The risk is tremendous. Uh-huh. Like percentage-wise, where would you put it? I mean, it depends on how deep that barrier goes, how big the space is inside. You blink, you don't want to blink into something, because when you and something else occupies the same space, Mm-hmm.

Bad. It's real bad. It's real bad. Mm. But if that's our only option. We had a plan. Didn't we have a plan? We were going to communicate with the dome and tell them we were turning in Devo.

Yeah, we kind of lost that, though, I think, when our comm system thrives. Oh. Now, ditto, in the image in the vision that Zeus got, is the dome, like, filled with water? Is it a pressurized thing that's, like, keeping water out? They don't know. They don't know what's inside. Oh, the dome is new. The dome is new.

Okay. You get a sense from the vision, and I'll just tell this to all of you, that this was their habitat, that they have, this is their headquarters, essentially. But this dome is a barrier that Orlean sort of constructed so that he can do whatever he's doing in there without being bothered by the other coral or. really anybody. And it's made out of the same stuff as the... Yep, it's all white glowing coral. Why don't I swim down... When I touched the brine R that I just talked to,

communicating with, when I touched his hand, it started taking on color like mine. And I wonder if I could swim down and touch the dome, and see if it had the same kind of effect, maybe that would lead to us getting in. Now, Zooks, when this happened, did it drain your color as well?

Not that I noticed, did it? Not that you percepted? I didn't percept it doing that. Make a perception check now. 19. The hand that you touched that being with, the fingers are a little bit weathered, are a little bit faded.

They're still definitely your color. But this transaction, or whatever you want to call it, there was some of whatever that represents that did get sort of sapped away. But is it turning back now? It is, very slowly. My worry, Zooks, is that if this is what happened when it was just one, you know, coral being,

that if you touch this giant dome, the drain would be magnified, that this might be very dangerous for you. Well, how about if I do this? How about if I tether up to the ship? Because we can get close now, because the battleships aren't going to hurt us, how about if I tether up or we use the grappling on,

or whatever, and if you see me getting into real deep trouble, you yank me off there. Amber, what do you think? I mean, I'm worried about it. I don't want you to get, I don't know. Like I said, I don't understand this stuff. Don't ask me. I'm not voting. Come on, let me try it.

Okay, this is what I'll say. It is your choice, and you have decided to put yourself at risk. I'm not happy about it. But if, okay, we don't have any other options at this point. Okay. And you guys just be staying by, and if I can, you know, do something to open up a little hole of some kind. Zoom, in you go. All right.

All right. We'll be waiting. Okay. So you're heading right back out there? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You tether up to

We'll say that you just like take the cord off of the Bathosphere If he's just trying to open a hole Maybe we should just take the bathosphere Right? So that way we can be really close So he doesn't have to open a hole big enough For the whole Coriolis to go through

We just need to try to get the bathysphere through Or us I like that All right So is that the plan? And have Coderer run the controls? God was so smart to bring Godd. Yeah.

I'm glad she can party. Assuming you all are discussing this actually in character, she says, oh, fuck no, I'm coming with y'all this time. So we're leaving. I know who's going to be the Capiton. Orchow? What do you think, bud? Field promotion.

You're getting the call up. Yeah, man, we can take care of it. Wait, who's we? We? Sorry. Have you adopted the royal sort of pronoun? Is it Captain's Wii? No, me and Dylan can handle it.

Who's Dylan? Sorry? From deeper in the ship, the door to the bridge opens up, and you all see just this skeezy wasteoid of a dude walk in and it's like, hey, what's up? What's going on? Sorry. Who are you? Who's Dylan?

This is my friend, Dylan. Urchin, you brought to a friend? This is simultaneously extremely surprising and not surprising. The urchin has just like a waste toyed skeezy friend. Well, you knew you need someone to drive it? No. No. What the fuck?

What, urchin can't have friends? Yeah, but like how did he come over? I invited him for sleepover. You have to ask us first. You have to ask us. You didn't ask me to bring this fucking cop on board. We are senior... We are senior officers searching.

No. Oh, God. Okay. I mean, but it seems like you need some... You shut. Hey. Yeah. You shut up for a second.

That's fair. Dillon. Yeah. Do you have any experience piloting watercraft? I mean, I was a lieutenant with the iron welks for a little bit, but like, it wasn't me. Wait, really? Yeah, that wasn't me, though, you know. But it was you?

I mean, yeah, another life. Okay, that's all. Thank you. That's all I need to hear. All right, I think they got it. I got a good read on people except what I'm wrong, and I got a real good vibe on you. I just wanted to say, they're out there in the world. There are rag tag groups that would look at us and say, I don't know about them.

These are pretty rag-tack. These tags are about as rag as they come, man. Lord. We can one day aspire to be a rag tag group. Like, this is, oh, if only we could be considered rag tag instead of whatever is happening now. Yes, okay. I just want to say, there was a time where we could have hired an octopus and a person who had, like, experience out here. And instead, we have Urchin and Dylan.

Dylan's got a lot of big ideas. Oh, boy. Okay, save them for us a weekly board meeting. All right, man. Y'all have fun, all right. Okay. Oh, boy. All right.

Yes. Yes. Okay. You all. Hey, Griffin. Yeah. Half my farts. Let's go.

Yeah. The four of you, I guess the three of you, load up into the bathosphere with Zook sort of going outside of it and swimming alongside. And you all launch from the Coriolis and approach the dome. Do you have like a. you know, a point of entry that you are trying to enter into? I think Zooks, while the bathysphere is descending,

maybe swims over to the lead battleship in front of it and kind of gestures back towards the dome to see if maybe they have any suggestions of a point to try, like, you know, with, I assume there's some kind of lights or like, you know, spotlights or something they have. for exploration. Just to see if they have any suggestions. Yeah, I don't know that they would know that.

Well, they have more history than we do as all on. Sure, but they don't know, like, they don't know what is happening inside there. Whatever is happening inside there is kind of a mystery. So I don't know. Now, Griffin, you said the Coral Dome was made out of their friends. So which are their friends is kind of the weakest? Oh, right.

I mean, you could try to find that yourself. I don't know that they would be able to offer. offer that information. If you want to make an investigation. Tom sucks, dude. Tom sucks. You can get right through Tom, no problem. We played Red Rover with Tom.

Man, that guys push over. His gains are a joke. So let me ask you this. And really, as an observation, this dome made up of these, these brinar. I mean, can we make out their forms and their features or? Make an investigation check if you want to give this thing. I'm going to say brino. Because they're not brinar.

That's 13. You can see some shapes in here. A lot of it is almost like a web. There's like several layers of coral in a sort of woven pattern going down deeper into the dome, forming this pretty airtight seal. Okay. But inside of that, you do see the occasional form of a bleached brinear. That was not, like, fully incorporated, but is, like, completely inert. I know what we call them.

Okay. Oh? Brine were. Hmm. Okay. So, I don't think you see a weak point anywhere. Do I see anything that looks like a face? That's what I'm going for.

You're going to touch the face? Yeah. I mean, these things don't have true. traditional faces, but you do see heads. You do see on these inner bodies. Yeah. Okay, I'm going to swim over to a point that has a head and look for maybe eye holes, nose hole. Okay, sure, you see that. Which would be a face and very tentatively reach out with my hand and touch it. Like a bowling ball. Where is where on the dome sort of where is this? Are you are you going in toward the top?

Are you going in closer to the sea floor? I think down towards the side, more towards the sea floor. That seems to me that that would have a, that would have better odds. I mean, I think if you go at the top, you're going to be extremely visible. And at least this way, there's a chance if it, if it works, that we won't be spotted. Okay. Also, just for clarity sake, did I, Devo, like, the, you know, the feelers of the bathister are, like, wrapped around Zooks, and Tiva was covering over the button. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. All right, Zooks, I want you to make a... Hmm. How have we handled this in the past, whenever you have, like, communed? What is the role that we have done? Animal handling. Animal handling, yeah. Okay.

Make an animal handling check, please. Oh, God. Jeez. I hit the button. That is one of those. Oh, I have Bartick inspiration still. Do you? I mean, he didn't use it.

I do still have bardic inspiration. I have not used it. Okay. No, I used my bad Bartik inspiration. Okay. Well, you can roll a 1D8 to try and add. You did roll a crit fail, which I should just hit you for, but go ahead and roll that. Even with my 5?

I mean, a crit fails a crit fails. A 1 is a 1 is a 1. Okay. But I mean, for these purposes, if I'm going to add an eight, it would be to the five. I mean, it's a Babel. I wouldn't push him too hard. Yeah, bud. Hey, this gift horse is taken off.

Get on board. Yeah, he should just get a one should be irrefutable. A one should be like, get bet you're done. But you're everyone's favorite character, and we don't want to kill you just yet. So you can add the 1D8 to this. Four. Okay, that's a nine total then. We will allow it.

you reach out and touch it and the same thing happens. The color starts to flood into this dome, almost like in an ink blot pattern. And you see it first sort of spread through the outer layer of sort of webbing and then go a little bit deeper and a little bit deeper. But as it spreads, first of all, like you are very discombobulated, because you are also the dome now, or at least this very sort of small part of it.

But you see the effect, like, much more prominently now. The color is draining from you. But you also feel like you have activated that coral barrier, and, you know, because it is you, you feel some sense of agency over it. Not completely because it was, a shitty role, but you feel like if you kept pushing on, you could enhance the effect. Okay. He squints his eye holes, scrunches them up, concentrates, and keeps pushing.

Okay. For this, I need a constitution saving throw. Come on, you got it. Twelve. Okay. The color spreads, not so much wider, but you see it going deeper into the barrier. And it is, in a lot of ways, it is one of the more troubling sort of connections that you have formed because this is, this stuff is dead. I don't know that you've ever communed with something that was essentially lifeless before. and so that is a pretty terrible feeling to kind of fuse with. But you can see with Zook's eyes, it is responding to your will and a hole is starting to form in the barrier.

It is a small hole. It is maybe a couple of feet wide, and it is still sort of burrowing down. However, the colored drain is becoming more and more troubling, and you take 18 points of necrotic damage. How far up his arm is the drain? It's not, so it is like leaving his arm and going into this thing. So like it is more coming from the rest of him. So you see that he, the barrier is becoming more colorful.

He is becoming less bright, essentially. He's not bleached by any stretch of the imagination. You still definitely see that color. He is just not quite as vibrant as he was moments ago. And how big is the hole? Just a couple feet wide. Definitely not big enough for the bathysphere. Okay.

I am going to start to position the bathysphere. Wherever the opening is on the bathysphere, which I'm not quite sure of. Is it the top? Yes. Okay, I'm trying to line... There's a hatch on the side. I want to try to line that hatch up with the hole, so as soon as that is open, I'm going.

How deep is the dome? Can we see? It is not... The color has not got pierced all the way through it. It is pretty deep. Okay. He pushes again. Pushes more.

Okay. I need you to make a Constitution saving throw with disadvantage. Okay. That is... 21. Well, that would be a good one if you did not have disadvantage. That is 15. Okay. It is becoming more natural now, and you don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It doesn't hurt as much. But also, now, like, you are, like, half and half. You are half sukes, half this dead weapon. But because of that, you are able to widen this aperture so that it is maybe twice, twice as wide.

but it is also you can see you have pierced through the barrier completely now. And air sort of shoots out of the hole that you have built. You see just like a stream of huge bubbles come shooting out of this hole. And you also feel a sort of vacuum effect, sucking you and the bathysphere toward it. you also take nine more points of necrotic damage. As soon as I see the hole open all the way through, I think it's time to simultaneously retract Zooks and try to wedge that bathysphere right in that hole.

Okay. Zooks reaches up and undoes the tether. Okay. Oh, Zooks, as soon as you do that, Zooks just right into the hole. I've got to be able to... Surely it's not big enough that I could... Oh, easily.

Yeah, you easily. I can stop inside it, right? Yeah, and you are not, yeah, as soon as you get sucked inside, you are no longer touching it, and the drain has stopped. Why don't you make a, where is the, hold on. Oh, the bathysphere. Yeah, the bathysphere chart. Well, I wanted to try to open it up one more time. I'm not going to let you do that.

Well, I detached the tether. Okay. Make one more constitution saving. throw. This time with disadvantage also. Okay. Well, there's an eight and there's a 14. Uh, okay. With the eight, you, as you are being sort of sucked through this tunnel, you are sort of smashing against the sides of it. And with every touch, uh, you feel that drain continue. Uh, and just like flashes of color appear. on the walls of this tunnel as you get sucked through,

and it opens up wider and wider and wider. And now you see from further back in the tunnel, from where you came from, the bathosphere can easily fit inside, and it is getting sucked into the tunnel with you. But you very nearly almost lose consciousness because you feel, man, you feel terrible, And you are...

How many points? Just tell me how many points. You're going to take 12 points of new product damage. How are you doing? I'm about third life. But I... Let him just be sucked in. Let him go into unconsciousness.

You're not unconscious. You are still with it. You're just, you know... Okay. You have... You feel like shit. You have made the aperture wide enough, though, that the bath is here easily.

fits inside of it. So it is sucked in right after you, and you fly through this tunnel for a few moments, and then you are in open air, and you fall just for a moment because you didn't come in through the very top, thank goodness, and you are in the open air, and then you land in water. And just a few moments after the bathosphere follows suit and splashes down next to you. And you see the aperture that you created very slowly close itself around the cable that is attached to the back of the bathosphere, tethering into the coriolis. Is it like deep water or just like a puddle? So, you know, you can see through the hatch of the bathosphere. that, and you can see now Zooks as you sort of raised to your feet,

Zooks, you are standing in waist-high water inside of this enormous pocket of air that is filling up the dome. And as far as all of you can see, there are small, maybe 10-foot-tall, bleach-white coral trees, just scattered everywhere around this place. It is a flooded forest of white coral. And each of the many, many trees in here, each of their branches are stretching in the same direction, which is the center of this flooded forest, where one structure just looms high above the trees here. It's a tower made of white coral, and it is easily four stories tall. It looks different, as do the trees from the dome. It looks, just in the composition of it, the dome seems like this kind of monstrous thing, but these are more natural.

And you sort of piece together that this is something that was here before. This is something that the coral people sort of made their home base before Orlean showed up. This tower is like four stories tall, and it's pulsating very, very bright right now. And at the very top, sort of peeking over the, well, the peak of this tower, you see something foreign. You see Benefactor Orleans ship, just kind of barely looking over the tower's roof. And that's where you are. As soon as the bath is fear hits the water and we're vapes suited up, so whatever the effect of that is in the water, Devo is going to jump out and rush over to Zooks and say,

What the fuck is the matter with you? There was a, what? No, there was a plan? And then as soon as we made a plan and 30 seconds later, you're out there ready to, what, To die to open the, what the fuck? Wait, bully him later. Let's get him into a shower. Oh, no.

As soon as Devo gets over there, he's also going to cast third level cure wounds. Okay. Whoa. That's a big boy. Yeah. That's a big boy heal. That's, what, 12 plus 8 is 20 healing. I would have put him in the water first.

He is in the water. So there's water everywhere. There's waste high water inside of this place. So, yeah, a combination. of that and the... I thought it was like special water. No, it's just ether seat of water, huh? Yeah.

Okay. Between that and the magic that Devo has cast upon you, you feel the color return to your body, and you heal for 20. What were you thinking exactly? I don't know. I just, you know, wanted to get everybody inside. And, you know, I kind of plain that all along. Oh, so you're lying.

No, I wasn't lying I don't feel good Thank you for the heel by the way Thank you very very much Do you expect pity? Is my color coming back? Oh my fuck And diva just starts walking towards the tower

Okay, you splosh down from the bathist beer Into the water Was that tough love? Was he giving me tough love there? Is that what that was? I think he's just... He cares, doesn't he? He tries.

I know. It's so sweet. Okay. The rest of you following Devo toward the tower? Sure. Okay. I picture Amber helping Zooks along because he's still recovering. That's up to Amber. I mean, how bad is it? I feel like you got pretty chunky heel, right?

I ain't heavy. I'm your brine arm. You can ask. That's pretty good. Excellent. I like that. Good, good, good. All right. Coderah hops out with you. And Amber, you are going after Devo II toward the tower?

Sure, yeah. Okay. I won't make you roll for this. You feel pretty uneasy being here, and it is not your usual nerves. Amber's pretty tough, but something feels off. The four of you walk trudged toward the tower. This is definitely sort of difficult terrain out. here, except maybe not for Zooks. But for the rest of you, it is definitely difficult to rain. You

are sort of struggling to keep up. And you start walking through this flooded forest toward the tower. This air pocket here is pretty huge. It is, you know, filling the dome. And so it is, you know, quite a distance to get to the tower. You also don't see any door on the tower. You don't see any like immediate entrance, at least not on like the ground level. There are a few areas a little bit higher up the tower where it's a little bit patchier. But you get the sense that to get up to those, you are going to have to scale this thing a little bit. And I want all of you to make an investigation check. Or no, I'm sorry, a perception check. I have a, it's an 11 for Devo. It's not great.

She put these in alphabetical order. 19. 15. Amber wins. Hooray. Zooks and Amber, you see a light that does not quite match the rest of this bright white light

that is sort of coming off of the tower. You see inside the water, further forward, maybe 40 or 50 feet, just a very, very brief flash of green light and then two others like it. And where those flashes came from, you see the water ripple a bit in a line,

almost as if something is swimming through this water now. Diva doesn't see. He's still trojan, man. He's still going. You are not stopping, Devo? No, he doesn't see it. Okay. Does it look organic?

I mean, it is swimming like a sea creature swims. I want to do a nature check. All right. Am I close enough for that to be useful? Sure. Make a nature check with advantage. 17 and a 6. 17.

Okay. You know what these things are. And you realize it maybe a moment too late. Make a dexterity saving throw, Devo. Come up with new animals. So tired of these motherfuckers. Hey, you're the one who decided to tie your fate to them. 13.

Oh, not you, Amber. It is weird that you both roll. Oh, sorry. Devo is about, is a good distance ahead of you guys because he is, he just set off on. Amber says, blit! And, and you feel a horrible pain on your leg, Devo, as the jaws of a blink shark close around you and pull you down into the water. You are going to take 11 points of biting damage.

Okay. And Devo disappears. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne America's Radio Sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. Our comedy podcast, Jordan Jesse Go, just celebrated its 15th anniversary. It was a couple months ago, but we forgot. Yeah, completely. Our silly show is 15 years old.

That makes it old enough to get its learners permanent. And almost old enough to get the talk. Wow, I hope you got the talk before. then. A lot of things have changed in 15 years. Our show's not one of them. We're never changing and you can't make us. Jordan Jesse go the same forever at maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm going first. It's me, Jackie Kachia. Man, she's always this bossy. Hi. I'm Lori Kilmartin. We're a bunch of stand-up comics, and we've been doing

comedy like 60 years total with both of us, but we look amazing. We drop every Monday on Max Fun, and it's called the Jackie Laurie Show, and you could listen to it and learn about comedy and learn about anger management and all the things. And Jackie is married but childless,

and I'm unmarried, but childful. So together, we make one complete woman. Is that just what that one's going to end? Yeah, yeah. And we try to make Kyle laugh just like that and say, oh my God, every episode. It's a good job. Jackie and Lori Show, Mondays only on Maximum Fun.

Let's all roll initiative. Oh, boy, these rolls of four. A five. Oh, boy. I can never remember where the roll initiative is right in the center, baby. I know. It's right next to your little armor. picture. Ah, there it is, yep. Okay.

And that's a seven. Oh, boy. Holy shit, guys. Hey, Griffin. This is just determining the order. Calm down. But none of us want to do it. Yeah. Apparently. Okay. We're lolling him into a false sense of security. Ah. It's their open-ed-up.

First in the order is the shark that has its jaws around you, Devo. Uh-huh. It is going to Bight him It's already doing that Yeah double bite You feel it pick up speed As it kind of drags you through the water

And it is going to Aim for one of those trees And try and just crush you against it Make a dexterity saving throw Oh my God It was almost a 19 but instead it's a 9 Yeah, it sort of drifts as it like swims extremely fast to the side and you will just smash up into this tree. Uh-huh.

And you are going to take eight points of bludgeoning damage. You see next another one of these sharks. And you can see, maybe you saw for a second as it sort of approached Devo that this thing's finn, the one that bit down on him. This is the alpha. This is the much larger shark that has chomped down. You see two more ripples in the water moving toward the three of you, Kodira, Amber, and Zooks. And they are going to make a beeline, both of them, toward you, Amber. And the first one of these somewhat smaller sharks is going to try and bite you.

It has pack tactics because it has an ally within five feet, so it's going to have advantage on the roll. But I assume a 21 is going to hit you. Okay. It doesn't drag you down. It's not big or strong enough to do that, but it jumps up out of the water and closes its jaws around your arm and then kind of just like wheels off you and splashes back down into the water,

but not before doing nine points of damage to you. and the next shark is going to do the exact same thing with advantage from pack tactics that's how many points of damage nine nine nine points uh does a 14 beat your ac no okay what about a oh an 11 no wow wow okay um I'm getting good I'm getting good at fighting the black sharks so high oh right okay okay okay yeah the second one tries to do the same thing but it you you you saw it coming this time around. And you managed to kind of dodge out of the way, and it jumps up and bites down into nothing and splashes down into the water.

Those two sharks are still pretty close to you all. They have not had a chance to kind of swim away. And next in the order is Zooks. Zooks casts Beast Bond. Oh. Describe this, please. You establish a telepathic link with one beast that spell fails of the beast intelligence is four or higher.

Until the spell ends, the link is active while you and the beast are within line of side of each other. Through the link, the beast can understand your telepathic messages, and it can telepathically communicate simple emotions back to you. Okay. And at second level or higher, you can do two beasts with it. I don't see that. Yeah, I don't see it as an option for you on second level, Dad.

Okay. All right. Did you fit? Was that a fib? No, I just read it, but now I don't see it. When I first clicked it, Dad, did you do a fib-skiy-fib here on the adventure? Are you trying to touch two sharks instead of one? Because that's a fib, dad.

I will not touch two sharks. Were you fam it? No, I really did see when cast at second level or higher, but I don't have it at second level. Yeah. Okay. Is my problem. So, okay, so you're touching which one, the one that bit Amber or the one that missed Amber? because you are not close to the alpha that is dragging Debo through the water.

Okay, then I guess the one that bit Amber. Okay. You touch it and immediately you have a telepathic link to it. What are you trying to say to it? I'm going to communicate to it that I am much more delicious than Amber. That if, I mean, yeah, sure. I'm sure blink sharks eat shark fighters all the time. but when was the last time

you got a chance to tuck into a really scrumptious gross incredibly delicious brine are and I know it's a lot of work but it's like oysters you gotta get through that hard shell to get to that hey dad you're eating oysters wrong my dude

yeah that's not how it works you got to crunch your way dad no dad I don't get why do people like these things bling sharks don't have opposable thumbs so I figure They hurt so bad. Yeah, this is the edamami incident all over again. Oh, no.

You don't eat the shells. Yeah, it is. Okay, it communicates back to you. You hear it say, all of you will be eaten by the finish, and it turns and you see it and the other smaller shark kind of like wheel around in the water and begin swimming toward you. Actually, wait, you were touching that one. So it definitely stops for a moment and is. is distracted by you, the other small one is going to wheel around and start swimming toward you. Bring it.

You also, the emotion you feel right now is one of absolute desperation. This is a, in this thing's mind, this fight that it is embroiled in with your party is, is their final stand. Next in the order is Amber. I'm currently being bitten or I'm unbitten. You've been unbidden. Yeah. Is it still on me, though? It is not still on you, no.

Okay. How close am I to, are we still like half submerged? Yeah, you are all in waste deep water. Okay. How close am I to, I mean, I'm sure my movement speed is impeded. It is. You have half move, essentially, when you are here. But am I within range?

Oh, absolutely. You're in range of two of them. You're in range of the one that Zooks is touching, and you're in range of the one that. that has the other small one that has sort of swam backward to get back on you all. Oh, fuck, great. I will summon my gigantic arms as well as the visage of the astral self. Okay.

It's trying to fucking go. So they need to roll a dexterity saving throw. So I will do that first for the shark that just bit you. That's not going to do it. That's a six. And the other one that is approaching is making a deck save. And that is a three. Jesus.

Okay, so they both are going to be hit by your wave of force. So go ahead and roll 2D6 force damage. Oh, yeah, 10. 10 points of damage. Okay. They are rocked backward as your enormous arms appear. And they both, you, Zuchs, you hear one scream as this force. sort of passes through them, and they both take 10 points of damage.

Am I close enough to the alpha to hit it? No, the alpha is a ways away where Devo kind of walking. Coming on Devo. Yeah. But I can't reach it. I am, could I move close enough to reach it? You cannot, I don't think you could trudge through the water and reach it, no. I'm going to grab the...

the one that screamed and punched it in the face. Okay. Roll your attack roll. You're doing arms of the astral self? I guess, yeah. That's fine. That is the one that has been empowered. So that's a plus six.

The attack roll hasn't changed, just the damage roll on that. Okay. Did you do that on my sheet? I've added a custom action here, but I don't. see it. Okay, well, let's see if I hit first. Sure, sure, sure. 19. Yeah, absolutely. So roll 1D8 and add 3. 5 plus 3, 8. Okay. You blast this thing with one of your huge fists and

it like wraps around your strike and it sends like an explosion of water up into the air as you punch downward. And I think even you are surprised by the force of this thing. And you get to attack again, if you'd like. Yeah. A second attack for sure. On the same one? Oh, yeah, for sure. I'm gonna, I want to kill this fucking thing. I'm done falling around. These incredible arms. 16. Yep. 1D8 plus 3 that's 6

Again another huge splash of water as you bring the other sort of colossal fist down on it and you feel like crush against the ground you feel like crush against the seafloors you punch downward onto it and this shark is looking fucking rough it's fin is bent as you sort of with the second attack that you smash

it against the ground. Devo, you are up. You are still being drugged, dragged by the alpha. Dragging by the Alpha Blinkshark. So you are, you know, you are having a rough time of it, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a question, and there's no wrong answer. Clint and Griffin, I suppose. Did Zuchs relay his experience? with the bling sharks to Devo and Amber. I think I had the shell phone on speaker, so maybe it... Yeah, absolutely. That's not retconning at all.

No, yeah, I think that would be a pretty heavy retcon because I imagine you and Amber would have had a conversation about her mortal enemies asking you to kill her. Okay. Well, in that case, I did not yet, Travis, in all due honesty. Okay. Well, then then. That's going to make it a lot easier for me to decide what to do.

I am going to use, let's see, can I speak? No, you are being dragged through, like, waste-high water. So I think you're going to have a hard time doing that unless you can rest yourself from the clutches of the blink shark. Okay, then I'm going to stab it with a dagger. Oh, sure. That seems like a thing one might do when being dragged by a shark. Yes, absolutely.

Oh, that's not going to hit, though. A 13? Oh, that hits, yeah. Hazzah! These are not, you know, armored. Yeah, I'm not a strong boy. So that's four damage, but what I do got is that got my psychic blades. And so I can expend my last part of inspiration to hit it with 3V6 more.

really trying to get it to let go here. So that, oh, that was almost max. That was 17 points of damage added to that four. Jesus, wow. So a hefty 21 total. That's a 6-6-5. That is crazy, yeah. All right.

Yeah. Let go. He does. He does. Yeah. You, uh, do blink sharks have cold dead eyes or do they have very lively? I think we described blink sharks as having, like, anything that can be upsetting on them is, is upset. I actually think if I saw a shark with like big anime eyes, I think that would be way more upsetting, frankly.

Okay, with that, this thing howls and as it does, it loosens its jaws on you and you manage to rest yourself from its grip and it sort of swims away a distance. Do I get an attack of opportunity? I'm going to say no just because you are, you know, know you were being dragged through water. So I'm going to say that you are able to kind of get to your feet, but you are not, I don't think, in any position to get an attack of opportunity. Fair, fair, fair. Next up is Kodira. And Kodira is going to reach back to a sheath on her back and draw a long dagger, almost a machete, I would say. So a short sword, I suppose.

Well, some way. It's one of those three. And she is going to try to stab it downward into the blink shark that you attacked Amber. I think she's a little bit lost as to what it's happening right here, but she knows that if you're attacking this thing, she should probably attack this thing too. So she jabs downward and hits it for 10 points of damage. And that one looks really, really bad off right now. It is trying to swim backwards

And obviously not doing a very good job of it She actually turns to you and says You want to tell me what the fuck's going on? These are the meanest sharks you can possibly imagine And it's kill or be killed All right Say no more Oh, and keep your eyes open

Okay Don't stop I say this to everybody Don't stop having your eyes open As you say that, you see the Alpha Shark dash past Devo. No, you know what? Devo just fucked it up. I think the Alpha Shark is going to retaliate.

Devo, the Alpha Shark swims to you, and you are damaged, so it is going to attack with advantage with blood frenzy. Oh, man. You hate when that happens. That's good because the first roll was a quit fail. The second roll. Wow, the second roll is a three plus six, nine. That misses.

Okay, maybe you've just like freaked its shit out, but it jumps up to try and chomp down on you, and it just free willies right over you. It completely leaves its line of attack. And it splashes down in the water, and now I think it is heading toward the, the rest of the group. Go ahead and make an attack of opportunity with your

dagger. I suppose your boomerang is definitely not going to get it done, but you can swing your dagger out of it. That's at 23, baby. All right, all damage. I mean, three. Okay.

Three points of... Nothing. Okay. The heavily damaged blink shark that just got stabbed by Kodira is going to try and retaliate as well. It is going to have advantage also because it is still within five feet of the other smaller blink shark.

And yeah, they are going to bite down on Kodira's sword swing and arm for seven points of damage. You see her kind of get freaked out, but she's big and tough and just kind of flings it off of her. And the other blink shark is going to go at you, Amber. that is a 9 and a 17 versus AC. The 9 does not hit and the 17 does. And that is five points of piercing damage as they crush their jaws down onto. We'll say just like it just sort of scratches against your side. It doesn't really get like a good chomp on you, but definitely gets some teeth in there.

And then we are on to Zooks. Well, you said the Alpha was badly damaged? The Alpha, I mean, the Alpha is pretty badly damaged after that attack from Devo, but not nearly as bad as the one that Kodira just stabbed. Okay, I'm going to, yeah, I'm casting an ensnaring strike. The next time you hit a creature with a weapon attack before this spell ends, a writhing mass of thorny vines appears at the point of impact, and the target must succeed on a strength saving throw

or be restrained by the magical vines until the spell ends. Okay, where is this? On your sheet. Wait, I haven't learned it. Sorry. Well, that's going to be a huge head of us to do it. Yeah, you have to make it up as you go, which isn't recommended for magic. I can learn it real quick.

No, you have the spells you've got. Do you have open slots to learn? I'm sorry. Yeah. We've had a lot of phone with magic here over the past few years. do not think I'm being attacked by blink sharks. Now's a good time to pick up a new hobby.

Let me read this book. Hey, does anyone have a pamphlet or perhaps a brochure with lots of pictures? A YouTube how to video? I can play it at an accelerated speed. I'll put it on 1.5 and get rid of all the pauses. All right, all right. I'm sorry.

I will cast Webb on the Alpha Shark and then shoot it with my crossbow. That's two actions. Two actions. Can I count one as a bonus? Plant Maclewai. Dial in. All right, I'll cast.

I'm going to cast Webb on the Alpha Shark to stop it. Okay. Here we go. It has to roll a dexterity saving throw. Uh-huh. Well, wait, it does that on its turn. Each creature that starts its turn in the webs or that enters it on its turn, I must make a dexterity saving throw.

So you can for sure, like, put this thing down on it, but it won't be until its turn that we determine whether or not it's a success or not. Yeah, so it looks like it's all kelpy and it looks like, you know, like a sushi roll wrapping around it. Okay. Okay, that appears underneath it and we'll resolve that when we get back to its turn. Anything you want to say? No.

Okay. Is there a bonus action that you can't take? I don't think so. Action. Bonus. Action. Actions in combat. Two weapon fighting, but that doesn't help any.

Rithing Tide. I'm not going to use that yet. Hold on. I'm saving that. Okay, cool. Well, I could attack it with gathered swarm. That's a bonus action. That's only after a successful attack.

attack attack. Then there's nothing else. All right. Then we move on. And we are to Amber Grey. Amber. You have this one that is like on death's door at your feet. There is another one close by of the smaller blink sharks that just attacked you that is also close by. Okay. I'm going to punch the one that is very badly hurt. Okay. Just as hard as I can. With your big fists, you already got them out. Yeah, I mean, the big fists are out. Let's use them.

Okay. Roll your attack roll. Now this is, okay, so we were debate. This is plus six. Use the arms of the astral self whiz. And then just... Nice, dude. 23.

Yikes. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, and damage is... Roll a D-8. Oh, a D-8, okay. Four. plus something? Three.

Three? Four plus three, seven. Okay. With that, everybody sees again like an undersea mine has been detonated, just a straight vertical splash that sort of parts around you as you slam your great green fist down into the water. And when the water comes like splashing down, it settles for a moment. and then a lifeless blink shark floats to the surface of the water. Great.

I want to grab that lifeless blink shark and use it to hit the other one. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. I can take it as a, I get two attacks. Yeah, for sure, for sure. I mean, sharks weigh a lot. Why don't you roll the unarmed strike damage? If you can hit with this, we'll do something.

18. Yeah, that's a hit. Yes. We'll say that do the 1D6 plus 2 for the bludgeoning damage. Six plus two, eight.

Jesus Christ. Okay, and then roll 1D4 psychic damage. That's great. Is there an emotional damage? You can roll. Emotional damage. That is what this is.

Two. All right. Jesus Christ. 10 points of damage. Yeah. this thing pops up out of the water to, like, try and locate its companion, and it sees it come hurtling down at its fucking face. And you've smashed the... As I'm witt, I'm holding it above my head, and I start to swing it down.

She just kind of whispers at it, everything you've heard is true. And I smash it in his head. All right, you balk it good. Uh, and it, well, it's not going to swim away because it doesn't want to take that attack of opportunity because it probably wouldn't survive it. Uh, but you see it dive deep down, like deep under the water, uh, which is not that deep, but still not, you know, easily punchable at this moment. Uh, anything else? But I can't reach it. I mean, uh, yeah, you can.

This is it trying to cower, essentially. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and give it a flurry of blows real quick. Oh, my God. You're a key point on that. Okay. 14 plus 5, 19. Yes. That's four, six damage.

Okay. It is still, uh, you, you punch down in the water and there's another explosion. And, uh, there, this time the explosion is getting a little bit like pink just because of the, uh, the, the water surrounding you. and how sort of bloody it has gotten. But you still see it moving slightly, swimming toward your ankles as you land this blow. How many attacks do you get with Flurry? I thought it was just one.

No, it's two. Flurry of tattoo on arm strikes. Okay, here's another one. That is going to be, I don't know, 9 plus 514. Yeah, that's a hit. Great, fantastic. Five plus two, seven. Come on.

This is a, even for you, the legendary slayer of blink sharks, I think you impress yourself. Because as you bring, this time just a regular, not glowing green fist down into the water, you feel it just collide with meat and you feel something crack. and then that blink shark floats lifeless to the surface of the water too. And you look at the damage you have wrought in a single turn decimating the blink shark population. And man, that's got to feel pretty good. It feels great. I have no moral ambiguity about this. I hate these motherfuckers.

Yeah. And we move on to Devo. Devo, the alpha is the only one that was left. It was swimming toward the rest of the crew when a web of kelp was cast over it. You can't quite tell if it has been entangled in this or not, but that is what you see. You also see some of your own water turning a bit red

partially from the, no, entirely from you, because these psychic blades didn't really do a lot of actual hacking and slashing. Tell me again, the tower, is there a clear entrance? Is there an entrance? There is.

It is like way up. It's like 40 feet up. Okay. It's high up there. Devo cast's suggestion. Okay. And says to the blink shark, blink me to that entrance

and I'll let you live. Hmm. And you. The target will need to make a saving throw. All right. I'm going to roll this. I'll roll a public. Yeah, that's a one.

Oh, God. Which is the lowest traditionally number you can receive. Whole numbers. Yeah, that's true. There are both negative integers as well as, you know, decimals, fractals, fractions. Okay. Someday I will roll those. Yeah.

Here's what happens. Well, first, the first thing that happens is going to be a pretty complex sequence of events. So bear with me. But first, it tries to swim towards you to make this happen. But it has to get out of these webs. It's going to make a dexterity saving throw. Yeah, I think that's going to do it. 16, that beats your spellcasting modifier, right?

Zooks. Yeah, it was 12. Yeah. Okay, it pulls away from this kelp, and it takes quite a bit of it with it, right? Like it manages to rip it off of, out of the sea floor where this kelp was sort of anchored. But it is sort of carrying just streams of kelp along behind it as it swims toward you, Devo. And it dashes toward you with its mouth open. Do you do anything?

No. Okay, you trust in your own sort of ability to suggest as the shark swims towards you. And as it comes close... And the rest of us are watching this in complete total horror. You would have to be, right? As it comes close, you see it sort of retract its teeth. teeth and it encloses its mouth around you and you feel no pain you feel maybe some discomfort right but it closes its mouth around you and then you see a flash of green light that takes your

breath away and then the rest of you see him appear with the shark 40 feet up in the air and the shark and you are just sailing toward the tower entrance and you make a make an acrobatics save for me or an acrobatics check, Devo. Actually, no. I mean, I'd say this. It'll be a dexterity saving throw.

Okay. Uh, 16. 12 plus 4. Okay. It is arcing through the, air, you feel the wind sort of blowing past your face as you sail toward the entrance, and it just barely doesn't have enough height. And you and the shark crash into the side of the tower just underneath the entrance. But you, with your quick thinking and quick reflexes, manage to grab a hold of just this barb of coral sticking out, just below.

the entrance and you hang on for dear life. The shark, you meet eyes with it as you manage to make this grab and it has its mouth around you and its eyes look up at you with desperation, but against its own volition, it releases you and it falls. and it smashes against the side of the tower a few times, just taking damage as it falls. In its last moments, the alpha blink shark turns its gaze to you, Zooks. And when it does, you feel, even without direct contact, you feel it's intent. You feel it communicate one last thought to you, and it is this.

It falls to you now. Stop your friends. Save our world from devastation. Acknowledgement. And then it looks to you, Amber, with unbridled hatred. And then its head hangs low. And the last blink shark is gone. Maximumfun.org.

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