The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Ethersea - Episode 8

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

The Infinite Clam: Part TwoThe Coriolis is visited by an inscrutable little guy whose name definitely does not appear on the manifest. They reach their destination in the Phytal Flats, and then things go very south, very quickly. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone Ethersea, Benefactor Orlean, a respected scholar within the benevolent parish, went missing while investigating ethereal energy signatures, emanating from a giant bi-valve discovered in the Fidel Flats. Upon signing, either five Lux or the installation of vapor suits inside of your ship. I like the name of this one, but I do not so much care for the fact that it is, you know, from the parish. I have a history with them. I do not trust them to be honest with you. Right on. Especially not the hand of guidance. We'll find your guy.

There is the sound of something moving on the equivalent of the gunnery deck. Inside the ship? Inside the ship. You managed to grab it around the needles, which is saying something. It uncurls as you grab it. Nobody move.

Our urchin's going to blow us out of the hill. So Devo, you're holding this weird little guy. Uh-huh. Kind of cute. A little cute, but mostly weird and kind of spiky, but most importantly holding... Just say sonic, Griffin. It's kind of sonic, but also he's holding what appears to be a bomb or perhaps a grenade. It came out of the depth charge that much you have sussed out.

And as he has just warned you, nobody move or else he's going to blow this ship all to hell uh when he says this actually he says it in common so you are uh all able to uh understand this creature uh as he speaks uh and yeah devo you're looking right at him it's still very dark in this room you're in a sort of undeveloped part of the ship and he's trembling he's kind of freaked out which is not you know the best headspace you want somebody to be in when they are holding uh a bomb Urchin was it? Yes? Yep, that's me.

My name is Devo. I don't need to know your name. Just let me go, please. Well, see, this is a problem because this is our ship, and you have what appears to be a bomb. I'll see your name on it. Well, our name is actually on the paperwork, because we signed when we bought it. And so if we let you go, you are just running around our... ship with an explosive device. And this is not,

I actually would not speak for Enviro and Zooks, but this is not okay with me. Is it okay? Hold on, I'll check with them. Is that okay with you guys? What, is what okay? If he is just running around our ship with an explosive device. That's thumbs down from me.

Yeah. Oh, shoot. Running around the ship is okay. Yes, the explosive device part, I would have to say, You know, I'm going to roll an insight check to see if he really is really capable of this. Capable of... Like, if he really wants to... Sure, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good thing to see if someone's lying about. Yeah. That's the first thing you do. Motherfucker, seriously? Yeah, that's a... Okay, so here's the thing. We just had to re-record this bit for reasons, and I did this exact same thing, and I rolled an eight, and I just rolled again

because I was trying to be all smooth and tricky and you know what I got folks? It's a fucking eight. Yeah, you're fated to get an eight. Unbelievable. That's a fate. That's an F and then the number eight. It's a fate of the furious.

And I'm the furious. That's me. You can't, all you can tell is that he is pretty scared. That's what you said last time. Exactly. It's exactly like that. The audience didn't hear that bit though. He is scared and that's not the best headspace

for somebody to be in when they're holding a bomb. So that's all you get. Urchin, I will make you a deal. I will put you down if you hand this bomb to Amber here. Why don't you set me down? No. No, no, listen, listen, listen, please. Hey, don't we interrupt.

That's rude. Don't you set me down. I'll take like ten steps back away from you. I'll set the bomb down. Is that what this is, by the way? Oh, yes. bang okay yeah I mean I don't want to get blown up today

and it seems like y'all don't either but I need certain assurances okay well how about this yep I just caught you and kept you from getting hurt

from falling on the ground yes yeah okay so you give us the bomb and then we can talk about why you are on our ship Uh, no one here wants to hurt you. We just met you. Okay.

Roll a persuasion check. Okay. So, a 19 plus 7, a 26. Oh, yeah, this is our bomb. That is rude to me. I'm so sorry. He hands you the bomb. Okay.

I don't know that you know what to do with this. This active explosive. I'm handing it to Amber, which is going to be my, like, knee-jerk, like, I don't know, reaction as D.E. like, you take care of this. You're an adult. Okay. Amber, you're holding a bomb. Now, urchin,

why are you on our ship? Gotta be somewhere! Okay. This is not as insightful as you might think. I guess, yes, technically. One doesn't need to be somewhere, but why is that somewhere for you here? Did you get on when we were docked?

back at The Founders' Wake? I don't, you gotta understand, man. I'm like a wild little guy. So I don't know necessarily what it is when you say Founders Wake. This is a weird way to describe oneself. Yeah. It sounds like something someone says

when they are trying to convince someone else. Is it like a cool party guy or me? No, I'm like a nasty freak. And I live here. I live here. This is my house. This is my house that moves around the water. Does someone else want to tag in here because I am...

Where did you find the bomb? How did you come? I was looking around some of your doodads, a deer hikis. You're watching my collets? Mm-hmm. I pulled that out. And, you know, I like to tinker. I like to tinker a little doodads.

I watch my collets. Mm-hmm. And this ship's got plenty of them, baby. and and you have always been on this ship oh what is a ship all right well have you ever been wet before no what's that

damn all right well here's it's gonna drip you out but like you've always been on a ship if you haven't been wet you've always been on a ship wow I like that no matter where you are you are that is you it's like the fish

he's like, what the hell is water, you know, that old thing? Yeah, for sure, for sure. That's the same thing for Archon. Fantasy, David Fox Chalwell's. Yep. Uh, I got to, are we done? Because I got to go to the bathroom. Are you going to, wait, do you live here?

I mean, let me, hold on. He looks out a window. I'll see, I'll see, like an apartment that has, that says urchin's place on it. I can't tell if you are, um, an, um, innocent wild freak boy or kind of a smart ass. Okay. Oh boy. Not in the curse, though.

Okay. I got to go to the bathroom. No, Ertian. I can't believe you're keeping me here. Am I, is this on my arrest? You know about arrest, but did you not know about wet? Okay. All right.

Urchin, if we just let you rum around the ship, are you going to take apart more of our weapons and potentially blow us up? I'm also going to eat some of your food. Now, I'm hungry. But what... Are you? What are you going to do in exchange for the foods that you eat and sleeping and living in our ship? Mm.

Perhaps not one. Don't take apart anything. Okay. This was not convincing. I'm going to roll out inside check to see if I was convinced by that. Sure. That's the 18 plus six. Was I convinced by that, Griffin?

Fuck no. Urchin says, I won't take apart anything that is important, but I got to keep, I got out of hands, you know? So. Do you know how to put things back together? I'm about to seriously make a mess right here on the floor of the ship, and you guys are going to think I'm sort of... Then where else do you do it? If not on the floor of the ship, do you have a toilet? No, but I go in like that, go into walls.

I hide it. What? It's okay. Um, so yeah I get This is I guess you need to let him Go

See? That doesn't seem right But it's going to win right now We got other stuff to do And it's And it's not like he can go anywhere He's just Yeah

He just kind of hangs out That's fine That's right Okay Unless we have a brig We have no reason to think That he's dangerous Except for when

The bomb Yes. Yeah, that was an accident. And you all scared me first. Okay, this area, this is all of our weapons and artillery. Do not, no touch. The bridge, don't touch. Well, then what?

Tell me where to touch. What's a good place to touch for urchin? See, you don't know. I've stumped you. We will find you some things that you can take apart and put back together. We do not want you to get hurt We do not want the ship to sink Now you can go shit in the walls, I suppose

Go shit in the walls, pal No shit in the walls What does the mention shit in the walls Classic Classic quandary About to do it on the floor if you don't let me go Okay I'm bored, I'm bored, I've been bored

We are going to hide our rations And if you want to eat something You have to ask Yeah, right You have to ask us for it Okay, you got it, baby Okay Whatever you say, Dad?

Steve-o Oh, did I call you Dad? That's embarrassing Oh boy This has been that productive 20 minutes Doesn't feel like it See you later He rolls up in a little ball

And uses his spikes to climb up The side of the ship And then disappears into a vent in the ceiling And as he does As he passes through that vent some crumbs of rations like fall down from the vent and and you realize he has already helped himself to a good a good portion what did we get on a roll griffin that led to this you got a 26 i believe on a on a on a random roll yes what was did it say in the chart like a random little freak boy is your fritless and sits in your walls appears uh a stowaway appears uh who siphons away resources

thing about urchin. He is going to continue to eat your rations and go through your stuff. He's not the best roommate. And as long as he's aboard the ship, you're going to have a minus three to your readiness. Do we have to kill urchin? I mean, that's up to you. But as long as he's on the ship, the sort of scrap and spare parts that he leaves around will give you a permanent plus one whenever you try to do a repair roll. As urchin sort of unintentionally lends you different gears and gizmos from deconstructed equipment of yours.

Oh boy. That is urchins. And I'm going to add urchin to the crew manifest. We should have taken the ship on some kind of test drive before we bought it. This feels like some things that Mona should have disclosed. Yeah, it should be in the paperwork, for sure. There's a spiky freak boy who lives in the ship and shits in the walls.

You know what we could? could do, we could put the rations in the bathosphere because there's no way he has access to the bathosphere. It is by design completely he just said he does. Yeah. Into the sphere?

Yeah, bud. Kind of seems like you can get to anywhere. Yeah. Are you yelling at us from the shitter? No, man. I'm into the bathysphere. It's my restroom. All right. Listen, we got bigger perhribial fish to fry.

I think we need to move on from this cat real quick. All right. You all continue on your voyage. Other than your sort of in close encounter with Urchin here, this is your first trip away from the city in the Coriolis. What is the trip like for you all? How are you settling in to this new vessel? Well, Amber is loving her room. in this place, no boys allowed.

Yeah. Comfortable, plush, well-rested. Probably the nicest digs, I feel like she's had in a while. So in terms of like Amber's situation, I feel like currently it's all upside. It's all gravy. Well, just on you. Devo would have chosen to sleep on the bridge anyways

because he doesn't really sleep that well. Yeah, sure. And so he just kind of like... Just kind of like... No, no, it's more. that he's like half elf so he meditates and so he just doesn't oh boy he's so peaceful

he's just like a magical elf guy and he just kind of hangs out of there also I figured it would be good if someone was like on watch or something because I don't think I mean we live in a big magical sea full of evil big turtles and I don't think just like saying like

just put a brick on the on the gas yeah that is another service that urchin provides is he will definitely keep lookout for you. Sarah, it's coming! And also, Tevo spends a lot of his time reading. Yeah, fucking nerd.

Zooks, what are you up to? I think Zooks has been trying, there's no moon pool on this ship, but there is a Bathosphere Bay. Yeah. And I think he's been kind of scoping it out, figuring out a way to, like, open that hatch to, for his dunking.

Yeah. And there's a shower. We have a head. Yeah, there is a very primitive, I would say, ether shower. It's literally just like an exposed pipe in one of the bathrooms that you can pull a hang on and just a fucking like super powerful jet, uncomfortable jet of ether water will just blast you in all your crevices. And I think while he's when he's not doing that, I think his natural instincts as a hunter would be to kind of try to keep. keep an eye on urchin. To kill urchin.

So Zooks wants to eat urchin, right? Very Alf, kind of an alf energy. Sort of an alf's energy. Here on Melmac, we love urchin. Keep going. That's a, that's a, we're on to something here. Yeah. Hey, hey, Matt.

I haven't really enjoyed the adventure zone before, but now I'm into it. Yeah. We're like really touching something powerful. Um, yeah, it's tough to know where urchin is. anytime because again this is a noisy ship um but in in times especially when the engine is off like it's not hard to know where this where this dude's clicking and clacking around right um i just think he's working on i mean just like honing his skills okay and searching for a creature that you know shits in the walls yeah would be interesting you guys are way too focused on that like he doesn't

do it that often i yeah i i i shit my pants and let me if the undies had a Wendy's one time. But it's literally all anybody's talked about. Sting one time said that he likes to have sex for an extended period of time and has become a cottage industry. I'll tell you, Justin, the number of times that TMZ calls me and says like, hey, Justin shit his pants on that Wendy's ones, right? And I'm like, yeah, he sure did.

Yeah, still. They're still asking about it. Well, that's what they fall back to when they can't think of anything else to cover this week. TMC just talks about you shitting your pants and leaving your dirty undies and a Wendy's. All right. So we've just bumped that back up in the consciousness of our listeners for probably the eighth time. I'm thrilled. I also think there's maybe, is there like an area, like, do they, is there like a common room, you know, or is that just like the bridge?

I mean, yeah, there's not really a common room. There's the only sleeping quarters in this whole ship is Amber's Place. There is a, there is a food storage room. I don't even think a kitchen. I don't think you can cook in it, but it's got, you know, a box filled with, you know, rifled through food stuff that you've brought with you. Like some MREs. Yeah, you got the bridge and you got some cargo. You got the cargo hold.

That's it. It's not the most. It's cold and noisy. And it's kind of damp inside. Like there's precipitation. But it's got good bones. Yeah. Nice.

One day on the bridge, Deva has a question for Zooks. Zucs, I am curious. I know nothing about Zabranah. You are more or less the first one I meant. Do Zabranos sleep? Does your body get tired? Not so much. Actually, what happens is the dunking takes care of most of that.

The dunking revitalizes me and makes me feel better. And kind of, you know, keeps me on an even keel, no pun intended. And, no, there's not really that much sleep needed for coral. I see, but you eat, yes? I suppose I do. You just refresh and energize with the magic water. I see. And does this, does the magic water wash away your, um,

what you have digested. Well, actually, a lot of what I have digested comes from the ocean. Are you asking me if I poop? I know everybody poops. We don't need to put it in these terms. We've already talked a lot about where urchin shits. We don't need to make this a whole episode about where everybody on the cruise shits. Oh.

Well, a lot of the time what has to happen is I take in nourishment from the water and that goes towards building the actual coral that the entities live in. So I guess that's how I'm, maybe I'm growing. That's how I'm growing. I am a growing entity. Oh, hey, we're here. I don't know if we are or not,

but Amber walks out of the room. You are actually, the choreolous exits through this sort of broad ravine that you all were navigating. And as it passes through the end of this ravine, you enter into this vast field of seaweed. Go ahead, Justin. I'm just thinking about like,

is this how Ray Bradbury had to do it whenever we had like an alien species where they're like a few pages? It's like, no. Tell me, friend. Explain how you poop. Where does the dokey come from? So, thanks for having me on your planet.

I do have a mission to attend to it for some important questions. Where is this a poopie? Hey, I'm a weird, cool alien on your planet for the first time, and you're probably wondering what anyone would be like. Yes, no, I'm going to tell you, don't worry. I understand. This is my fifth time visiting a new planet, and I know the drill at this point.

The poop comes out of my fingertips when I sneeze. You know that scene in War of the Worlds When Tom Cruise just has his hands on his hips And he's just staring up and going Huh Huh Interesting What if

Do you think that Is that a whole Is that whole for Wait are the lasers Is the lasers the poop Is it naturally occurring the lasers? He gets killed Yep

Pop poop So It's been a fun episode so far Yeah so far It's been a wild one You all, the Coriolis has entered the Fytal Flats. And basically, it is a forest of seaweed, only not normal seaweed, fucked up magical seaweed. Of course.

Yeah, there are leaves just larger than your ship that are waving very slowly, but chaotically in the currents, just forming this endless, shaded forest that stretches as far as the eye can see. and the Coriolis as it pushes into this forest just sort of gently nudges these huge stalks of seaweed aside as you follow the map provided to you by the hand of guidance. And about a half hour or so after you've entered this forest, after sort of some slow coasting, you arrive at this large grove. It looks almost like a shallow, like crater almost. And there is no seaweed. There's nothing in this crater. It's probably about, it's about the size of a football field. And sitting right smack dab in the middle of it is a big clam.

A big old clam. A big old gray clam. It's about half the size of your ship. So, I mean, I guess scale is all relative. It's big for clams. Oh, okay. But it's not the size of, you know, a city. And, yeah, that is literally all that is here, which is wild because the ethercy is just full jam-packed with all of these different, you know, life forms or whatever.

Here is just a big clam sitting in the middle of nowhere. And also notably, there is no sign of the benefactor's ship. Oh, okay. Which you have gotten a, you know, a rough description of from the hand of guidance. Um, I don't have like detect magic or anything, uh, but just like, the absence of things, the absence of like, I don't know, any kind of shit around this clam. Yeah. Is there like a magical reason that I would know why? why that would be?

No, I can't, I cannot think of any way that you would know what that is. That's fair, that's fair. Aside from what you know from the hand of guidance, which is that there is some sort of powerful ether energy signature that they were, they were following up on. Well, uh, Zooks, get on out there and, uh, investigate. Amber, is that what you want me to do? Yeah, we'll keep, uh, we'll keep an eye.

out and, you know what? Let me, I'll get your back. Let me Viper suit up. Yes, you two, have fun out there. I will hold down the fort here. Is this enough of a, so it's just a clam, right? There's not like another interior, right? What do you mean?

It's just a big ass clam. It's just a big clam. There's not like a building next to a clam. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Yes, there's a big, big building right next to the clam. Like a holiday am?

It's a bit of brick, a nice brownstone duplex. Okay, funny, funny boy. No, just a big clam. Okay, just a big clam. Fine, that's like I say. Jesus. Okay, you're vapor suiting up. So you all be careful out there.

Let me know if you need anything. All right. I'm Jesse Thorne. This week on Bullseye, David Byrne, on the talking heads, easing back into live performance, and the magic of doo-op. You don't get it very much, people doing di-da-dip, dip-dib, whoa, whoa, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. You don't get a lot of that. Listen to Bullseye from Maximumfund.org and NPR. You all head to the airlock.

This is our first vapor suit sort of interaction. I think from what you described in the setup episodes, it is a collar. first, right? That the rest of the suit kind of like comes out of angular hard light. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds cool. I know I said the coolest thing. So if that's the coolest thing, then that's...

What specifically does you... I imagine, you know, you can change the color and, you know, some of the shape of this thing. What is, what does Amber's vapor suit look like? Hers is like, it's like that same green bioluminescent that matches the, um, her arms, her her uh monk arm her spectral monk arms right um and then and it also has like two sort of uh i guess you'd call them

tentacles sort of looking things extending from her stomach uh in case she doesn't need to manifest the arms okay so there there's like some flaps for that and they're usually just sort of dangling down and looking kind of silly okay uh cool uh really yeah no it is it's awesome all make your way to the airlock then. And as soon as the room starts to depressurized, the vapor suit just forms around the collar. And I can't imagine it's too terribly pleasant when you sort of transition into vapor suit mode because you are sort of creating this pressurized environment around you all at once. So I imagine it's a pretty brutal ear-popping experience. And then you are out in the ocean.

I feel like, tell me if this, like, tracks with you guys, but I feel like you need to lay down or it doesn't seem like you could be standing. I don't want you to be standing and walking around in a vapor suit, like, on dry land. No, no, it needs the water. Right. I feel like maybe you need to, like, yeah, be, yeah, yeah. You know what? Maybe it's like As you like

Enter the water It's like kind of standing on like plastic Right That's on top of what like a pool cover Right where you're like sinking into the plastic And the plastic is covering you And you're not actually touching the water Yeah yeah so like outside of the water

There's nothing there Yeah cool Should I take the bathosphere down? I mean it's up to you You also You do have another vapor suit Yeah but I can't swim then let's say before they leave

Ampera, should I bring Zabasphere down so I can get closer and I don't know, scan the rounds? Yeah, another set of hands couldn't be, couldn't hurt, I mean. Yeah. And there may be something that wants to fight us and it'd be good to have something with some weapons. Does the Bathosphere have weapons? It has a mini-flat-hound area.

It has one very weak cannon, yes. Okay, yeah, I'm going to bring the bathysphere down. I lock the Coriolis, like the helm. Oh, okay. What does that mean? What does that mean? I don't know. I was, I said it as kind of a question, hoping you would just be like, yeah, totally.

Well, we didn't really talk about like, are there keys? I take the disc with me. Okay, yeah, that's good. Yeah, so you just take the steering wheel. Yeah. Oh, is that on your back? I bet that looks like Tron. That's sick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, D-Boh. I thought there was something we used as a fob. Uh, I like that this is way cooler, man. Fuck a phone.

Oh, I agree. Fuck a fog, though. Like the disc has like Bluetooth. Awesome. Oh, yeah. And that's how it connects back. And there's a USB input for my smartphone and it works most of the time. Awesome.

Yeah, dude. And sometimes my, the Bluetooth doesn't work if my wife's phone is too close. So it's nice to have the USB input. Devo, you are in the Bathisphere then, which is tethered by a very long, powerful cable. to the to the Coriolis itself. But the controls here are pretty familiar. It doesn't, I think, use the disc lock thing that the main ship does. You can just pop in there and cruise on down alongside your two friends as you all approach this clam.

And it takes you a little bit of getting used to to sort of learn how to maneuver this thing well. But you figure it out. The bathysphere, we should mention, has the mini flak launcher, which is a not so powerful weapon for emergency use. And then it has manipulators, which are retractable appendages that allow a pilot to interact with objects outside of the vessel. And there is also a very small cargo chamber that you can place stuff in. And there's like a floodlight that you can use to explore. Okay. You all are approaching the clam.

It is completely motionless as you all make your way closer. It's not doing the thing where it's like me me me me me and like blowing out bubbles. It is not snoring like a cartoon prison guard, no. Hmm. Okay, interesting. I would have expected this. Okay. So the bathysphere has like sensors.

Is that something where I can like scan for a life? No. No. Okay. Well, then I'm just going to like kind of steer around and shine the light and see if I see anything. Um, you don't, but you can, you are providing, I think, adequate light for the other two to, uh, see the, see, see, see this big clam. I think, uh, Zuchs is going to make a nature check. Okay. What are you attempting to? I mean, don't just say that. Like, what are you attempting to do?

Um, to see if there's, I mean, so far we know what to, we always see is a shell, right? Um, I mean, yes. Do we know if there's a living clam inside the shell? You don't know anything. Hence the nature check. Okay. We know that now something we talked about before though with the turtle and with this I think is that we don't have any reason to think that we know anything about. Like this is one of a kind, right? I mean, you only sort of figure that out after doing a nature check on the turtle.

I say like, oh, no, this is no ordinary turtle. And due to Natural Explorer, which is one of the features of Zooks, his proficiency bonus is doubled for proficient skills when you make an intelligence or wisdom check related to it. And nature is an intelligence check, right? Sure, yes. Then your nature score is actually a plus four. Okay. So we still haven't figured out what he's checking for. I just think he's looking for natural information about this.

I think we could say this. You know about sea life. You're checking to see if this is just your everyday run-of-the-mill clam or not. Because if it is, like, you probably know some shit. Okay. So what do I roll? Nature. Oh, the nature check.

That is... A nine. A nine. But plus your double your proficiency bonus at 1011. But unfortunately, even with an 11, I mean, as far as you can tell, it is, it's a big clam, but I mean, it's not unheard of for, like, certain by-valves to grow this size. So, I mean, as far as you can tell, this, it might just be an ordinary clam. You cannot figure out anything other than that. You know, Devo doesn't know shit about clams.

Yeah. I'm going to attempt to open it with the manipulators. Great. Okay. Yeah, sure. Because, like, I don't see anything. If Orleans anywhere, he's inside that clam. I'm going to open the clam.

Okay, all right. So you're just going to use the manipulators to do that. I think, golly. I think this, I think go ahead and do a slight of hand check. Oh, boy. A Devo slight of hand check. Okay. We'll see how that goes.

It's an eight plus two, a ten. A ten. Uh, okay. Not, not the strongest thing divas got going. Could I somehow persuade the clamped open? No, I got to. Gentle pets and kind words. Uh, I think with a 10, you like, you just cannot even get these manipulators, like, in there.

Like, you try, but there, like, there is no way for you to get leverage on this, on this thing. It's, it is just, these, these manipulators are too big. They are just not the right tool for the job. I turn the bathers here to Amber and I make it shrug with the manipulators. Amber, is there anything you want to try? No, I'm kind of full of my arms and like nodding like, yeah, this looks good. This seems like it's going good. Well, I think Zooks wants to, how about if Zooks tries to speak with the animal?

Sure. Can it blow through all these spells now? Can I ask a question? Yeah. As far as we know, in terms of the size of this particular bi-valve, if we're all going to thrown around our nickel words, and the size of like a ship that someone like benefactor Orlean would have, does it seem big enough that it could have gobbled his ship up whole sale? No, I don't think you need to roll anything for that. Like, it's, you have no reason to believe that Orlean would be traveling the kind of distance it took to get here. in a ship much smaller than yours.

Right on, okay. And we don't see any ship in the general vicinity. Nowhere. Again, you're in the middle of basically a big crater. So if it was anywhere like parked nearby, we'd see. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so I'm going to try to speak with the clam. Sooks is.

Uh, okay. You can't get anything out of him because he's clammed up. I mean... What's the kind of? Contact telepathy kind of thing. No, I mean, I'm going to need you to start making a spell, a speak with animals role to use that. I feel like the conceit that you can just speak to anything you touch is a little op-y.

Okay. All right. So speak with animals. Sorry, guys, I reset. Clammed up. Oh, good. Yeah. So what kind of role should I make?

You don't have to roll. You gain the ability to comprehend and verbally communicate with beasts for the duration. But your brain is the point. Yeah. You may be able to persuade a beast to perform a small favor for you at the GM's discretion. Okay, this thing does not have language, but this is the kind of like emotive. Like you pick up what this thing is feeling with this, with this spell. And it is, it's hungry.

like insatiably hungry and it thinks it is the coolest fucking clam that has ever you know scooted along the bottom of the ether C I get that it thinks very very highly of itself a very prideful and insatiably hungry clam I'll scoot back a little bit further okay

how far back like two ambers away okay I can communicate with the beast I mean you can talk to it whether or not it can tell you anything more than what it is just sort of what you have just read is is up in the air

do you think maybe could this transmit images perhaps sure could he I guess here's what Zooks does he sends this message Oh my God You are The most beautiful clam

How I have ever seen Horny On earth It got horny Just in this How am I here again Yep How am I here again

How am I in this position again So many years removed It's my go-to move, bud Yeah bud Yeah bud Yeah bud Oh sorry guy I can't hear anything

Because my ears melt it off Yeah Yeah No no no Everybody shut up and let dad seduce the clam. We really would like to see beyond this shell. Is there any way you could open up a little bit so we could look upon your beauty? Okay, now you get a different feeling like the clam.

As you look into the clam, the clam is also looking back into you. That's how it happens. Specifically use Zooks, because you get the feeling that it hasn't seen a brine art before, or not seen, you know, sensed a brine art before. And the more that you kind of talk to it this way, the more you feel it kind of reading you, and then you get that emotion, that hunger again. And as that happens, you see a stream of huge. Huge bubbles start just shooting out of its mouth as it very slowly opens up.

Amber and Devo. Sir. Or sorry. Amber and Zooks, I need you both to make athletics checks for me. And Devo, I need you to make a speed check in your bathysphere. Check or saving saving check? You're swimming. So I think it is athletics.

Athletics involves like swimming. 19. Oh, wow, okay. Five. 12 plus four. 16. 16 for speed. It sounded like Travis needed Griffin's help with that.

Hey guys, 12 plus four, anybody? 12 plus four? Just, uh, I mean. Okay. Am I close enough to snag Zeus with the? No, we get, no, no, no, no, no. Zook's got a five. Sorry, Zooks.

That's a season wrap on Zooks. Yeah. Devo and Amber, you see Zooks just right into the clam's mouth. He is just gone in an instant. And Zooks, you are just launched with wild, more force than you could have imagined, this little clam capable of putting out

as you are sucked into it. Ma. Devo, you are also being sucked in in the bathosphere, and you enter into its mouth also. And Amber, you see the weirdest thing, because you are able to push yourself away from this thing and fight against the current. You see the bathysphere enter this clam's mouth and sort of go over the edge, almost like a waterfall. You are, however, Devo, you are suspended in this stream of water falling down, and from the way that you are sort of dangling, you see Zooks just plummet over the edge and fall into the abyss. Amber, you have not been sucked into this clam's mouth, but however, you are, you're standing on the ocean floor, and you can see the Coriolis very slowly moving toward the clam's mouth. as it is both sucking things in and also kind of like spaghetti slurping up this cable that is tethering the bathysphere to the ship. So, Amber, what do you, what do you do?

Just to clarify the question. So inside the clam, is there more water or is it like a hole? I will answer that in a moment. I have just described to Amber what Amber can see. The ship, the Coriolis is being pulled in. Zook is also in the mouth. Zooks is gone. You do not see Zooks.

But the bathysphere is entirely in. And it's spaghetti sucking the... The cable. Drawing in the choreolas toward it. Hmm. You know, you don't really... You kind of get used to the great power of having played Taz for, you know... A bit of D&D for many campaigns.

Your character's very high level. Then you have just kind of a little guy pie like Amperger. agree. Okay, I have not a ton of, is there, okay, let me ask you this. Is there, is there an opening of the, like, is there any play in the mouth of the clam? Like, is it just like hardlocked? Is there any wiggle room in there? Or is it just like, like, is it open? Yes, thank you. Yes. Yeah, no, the mouth is wide open and sucking everything in, like a Kirby would do. But it's, the way that it is inhaling everything would suggest that maybe it's bigger on the inside

than it is on the outside. It is not just pulling everything into its mouth to eat it. It is like a hole has been punched in the ocean floor. Like the drain has been taken out of a bathtub. And this thing is sucking in everything in sight. Hmm.

well there goes nothing and i just make myself into a uh a cigar shape my fist extended and just dough with the flow okay uh i don't have a lot of other great place here guys from level three and it's a giant clam okay yeah sure you you give yourself up to the uh to the flow uh devo you are like dangling in this stream of water that is being just shot into this pitch black abyss as you passed into the, the clams mouth. But you are still, like, sort of in control of the bathosphere. You're just, like, in this stream of water. You already saw Zooks go flying out. And then just, like, a few seconds later, you see this bright green light as amber, just, like, bracing for impact, elongates her body and just goes plummeting past you

a bit more gracefully, but still falling down into the dark. And my floodlight is showing me nothing? Your floodlight is, I mean, no, you can't see anything with your floodlight where you are right now, which is to say suspended in a waterfall falling down. I cannot believe I am about to say this in a very sincere way. I attack the darkness. I'm going to cast. No, I'm going to cast.

No, I'm going to fire. the mini flack launcher just at nothing I'm into it no no no I like it well I the thing is is like I have no information yeah sure

and that's what I need can you give me any kind of bearing on which way you are firing it are you firing it downstream back up toward I'm firing it straight down I want to see that's below okay and I roll a D20 plus plus four for sensor

Okay, D20 plus four. Oh, it's right on the edge of 18, but it's a two plus four. Oh, fuck. All right. Here's what happens, okay? The only thing you can see is the light still sort of shining through the mouth above you that you have fallen in through. And you can kind of see the cable as it is getting, you know, as you're being pulled further and further and further down this waterfall. So you shoot this flak launcher and watch it go down the water stream.

And as it approaches the bottom, you see just like a little bit of pink. And then there's a little explosion and you hear a groaning noise. And then that light above you disappears as the clam shuts its mouth. And when that happens, all of a sudden, that water stream that you are stuck in stops. and now you are dangling like a pinata in the bathosphere. The choriolis did not get sucked into this clam's mouth, but the rest of you are now inside. Zooks and Amber down below,

and Devo, you are just, you are just dangling now. How high up am I? You can't quite tell that. It would take, I think, a little bit more. Actually, you know what? From how long it took for your, for your flack to, like, reach the bottom, you're a good, like, 80 feet up. Oh, boy.

You're very high up, yeah. Zooks, make a dexterity check for me. Your dexterity saving throw, Zooks. Let's see how graceful your landing is. Hmm. It is a 14. 14. Um, okay.

Zooks, you take, uh, eight points of bludgeoning damage. just from, and maybe it would be more, but you are of the water. So you know sort of how to gracefully fall in. But you hit the water very, very, very hard. And you sink into this sort of dark lagoon. And just a few seconds after you hit the water, Amber hits the water with the grays of a synchronized diver in her green ether suit. So the two of you are now floating in this shallow pool and all around you, you are just... Vapor soup.

Oh, what did I say? Ether. Oh, sorry. You see the green light of Amber's vapor suit. And now you are in this lagoon in this what seems to be just like endlessly large cavern. The only things that you can see, there are some faint traces of like almost a vapearlane. veins of light, blue light all around sort of the walls of this cavern as it moves deeper and deeper away from the mouth. And the other thing that you see is a dangling headlight

of the bathosphere that is 80 feet above you, hanging from the cable that is sort of dangling from this thing's mouth, which is, you know, a hundred feet above you. Well, well, well, out of reach. Yeah, Devo. What do we figure out what to do with you as you are, uh, dangling. Oh, boy. What do I have? The thing is, I don't have a lot of, I don't even have a rope. How do I not have a rope?

I don't have a rope? Everybody in D&D has a rope. Nope. You get that. We have a knife. You do have a knife. And then Coriolis. We don't have a knife here. No, everybody has a knife. Oh, that's right. Everybody has a knife. Well, you know, I'm going to do the only thing that comes to mind then

And he takes off his jacket and starts tearing it into strips And like any fabric I can find around And tearing it into strips to make some kind of rope Interesting. Hey, this is the first time I think we've ever made a role like this Do a survival check Survival, you say. Yeah, I think you trying to tear up your clothes to make a rope. A three plus three, it's a six.

Yeah, you tear up all your nice clothes. Not all my, just my jacket. Okay, you tear up your nice jacket and you make a rope that is about, that's about three feet long. And you get the impression that if you had just like tied off one of the sleeves and then hung from the other sleeve, it would have been a longer rope. Mm. Okay, how...

Oh, sorry. You're not there. How far... No, no, well, I will say this. He can see you. You guys could probably yell to each other. I'm... How long do the manipulator stretch?

This is a great question. Also, are you okay? No, not really. Little nauseous, but I'm feeling better. Okay. Amber seems to be great. She's going to get up on the podium. to get her gold medal for freaking diving.

Double thumbs up. Well, quadruple thumbs up. How long are the manipulators? It says retractable appendages, so this got to be pretty far, right? Yeah, I think it's just like each one of the manipulators is just like five wires that you can extend and wrap around things.

I'd be willing to say you can get like 20 extra feet out of this. You can cut the fall pretty significantly if you, you know, dangle down from those and just drop. I'm also worried about getting back up to it, though. A fair concern. Okay. If only magic was more useful. But all of my magic is about talking, not about floating.

If we all stand on each other's shoulders. Let's get some urgency going. Come on. Do something. Come on. We're going to die. It's terrifying. Wait, why would you die?

was a terrifying situation Okay, you know what? Let's act like it. You know, I'm going to say Devo is young and not yet as full of grass of mortality as some. So extends the manipulators and slides down them and then let's go. All right, make an athletics check as you climb down these manipulators.

Oh, not my strong suit. Yep. 11 plus 1 at 12. of. Okay. We're beefing a lot of rolls here. Yeah. Yeah, this has not gone well for you all so far.

Devo, you climb down the manipulators. You make them about halfway down. And before you get any lower, you see in the distance. You can see Amber and Zooks down below. But you see in the distance some red lights, like tiny pinpoint red lights. in the water moving in like a little cluster. And they are sort of weaving back and forth

and they are swimming toward Zooks and Amber. And as you see that, your hand slips and you fall. And you take, I'll tell you what, make a Dexterity saving throw. Saving throw. Yeah. Dex. 19 plus 3, 22. Oh, yeah.

You hit the water and take. four points of bludgeoning damage. You land about as gracefully as Amber does, but you are not wearing a vapor suit. Speaking of, you are now in ether water. Uh-huh. Not fully submerged, but there is a almost carbonated feeling to it

that is not, it doesn't hurt or anything, but you feel like if you stay in this for too long, it might not be great for you. Is there a floor? Am I standing on something? No, you all are floating in a... Then I hit the water and I'm flailing.

I'm... I can't swim. Oh, yeah. Okay. Fuck. Amber and Zooks, you watch Devo hit the water and just not come up. Why is there hesitation? All right. I mean, I guess I...

Try to swim towards him to try to get control. Yeah. I don't think that's hard to do in your vapor suit. I don't even think you have to roll. for it. I think you can swim down and grab him, uh, and he's not making himself the easiest to hang on to, but you can pull him back up to the surface. No, no, no problem. The kind of maneuverability you have in these suits would, would make this, uh, uh, a trifle. I should have mentioned before now. I do not know how to swim. Um, hey, we're just inside a giant clam.

I've been in this exact scenario more times than I care to recount. You have. They're going to be fine. These things, honestly, they're big pussycats. You just wait, you'll see. And Griffin, because of the racial traits I have adopted, I have the dark vision. Okay. So I can see in shades of gray. Actually, before that, Zooks, your natural sort of hunter's instinct clues you into what Devo just saw.

before he fell, you see these red lights in the distance, like a dozen of them, weaving back and forth in it like almost a serpentine pattern, approaching you very, very quickly. In fact, you sort of run the math in your head. It's going to be on you in like 10 seconds. We have company. We have underwater swerving red company. Oh, yes.

Over there. I should have mentioned this before I would drive. Um, yes. Yeah. Zooks gets ready for battle, whips up his crossbow, gets his net in his other hand, and goes under water to see what's approaching. Um, okay.

You, you see this thing before I think it has a chance to strike. Um, it gets, I mean, you see the whites of its eyes. Uh, you see a, you see a bunch of spines, uh, coming out of almost a, zebra-like fish form with these translucent fins running all down its back and tail and belly. And a bunch of the spines have these like bright red lights at the end of them that are giving off like steam in the water. They are so so boiling hot these red spines as they approach. You see an enormous lionfish about the size of the bathosphere. That is about to charge right into you, but you, uh, Zooks, for getting in sort of this attack position, you have, you, you can act first.

Shoots. Okay. He shoots. He shoots. Well, he shoots. We'll see about how he scores. Uh, go ahead and make a, uh, yeah, make an attack roll. I, okay. Can I say specifically what he's shooting at?

Sure. One of the red eyes. One of the red beams. Yeah, it's not an eye. It's just like the tip of one of its spines. Yeah. Shooting for the spine. Okay, sure.

All right, I hit this first. That is a 16 plus 723. Fuck, yeah. That's a nice big hit. Roll damage. Four. Okay. So this thing was about to charge right into you.

And just from like what you know about sea creatures, it was also moving with a sense of confidence. Like, oh, yummy, yummy. Some folks, here I go. But when you blast it in one of its spines, even though it wasn't, you know, like the heaviest hit, you catch it by surprise because you see it up close. It is uninjured.

This thing has never received an attack like this before. And so you hear it howl as it sort of veers off course, just barely flowing right by the three of you. And actually, its momentum carries it into the wall of the inside of this clam. And some of those red spines scratch across the surface of the clam's inner wall. And when that happens, you hear the clam groan again. And another huge, just jet of water shoots down right near the three of you as you see its mouth open up. And just as the lionfish is about to come back and attack again, it looks up and starts to move away.

Because it sees the bathosphere fall down into the water. And then the three of you see immediately overhead the choreolas in free fall above you. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience supported. Hey podcast fan. We'd like to get a better idea of who you are and what you care about. So we have a quick favor to ask.

If you have a few minutes to spare, please go to Maximumfund.org slash ad survey. There, we've got a short anonymous survey that will take about five minutes to fill out. Plus, if you finish it, you'll get a 10% discount on merch at the Max Fund Store. MaxFund shows have always relied on support from our members and always will.

This survey will help keep the few ads we do run, interesting and relevant to you. That's Maximumfund.org. slash ad survey. A-D-S-U-R-V-E-Y, all one word. And thanks for your help.