The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 1 "Orientation"

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

It’s the first day of school! There are new friends to be made and plenty to explore! The teachers and staff are here to help with any problem that may arise! Just be sure to steer clear of Groundsy’s hut…   Please enjoy the first episode of The Adventure Zone: Graduation! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

This world has many names across her many lands, but my favorite is simply Nua. As the light from her sun crests Nua's horizon, we see what appears to be the beginnings of another ordinary day. A blessing of unicorns rouse themselves from slumber and begin to graze. Villages and towns come to life and hum with commerce and gossip. The fairies have wound down another night of reverie and are just settling into their forest beds. All across Nua's face, rooms of royal accountants have already been hard at work for hours. Yes, everything appears routine and mundane, but it is not. You see, this isn't just another day.

This is the first day of school. The light continues to spread, and we see its illumination touch upon a village. The true name of this village is Hope, but it's known by all the locals as Last Hope. You see, Last Hope is the final city before one finds themselves between a rock and a hard place in the form of the God's sarcasm and the unknown forest. If you were foolish enough to stumble into this position, you may be surprised to discover the cornyocopia of potential lethal fates that await you. Nevertheless, this is where our journey takes us, and so we must push on.

Just before the darkness closes in, and our deaths become all but inevitable, a ray of sun gleams off a golden spire atop a shining tower. For the first time, we catch a glimpse of Hieronymus Wigginstaff's School for Heroism and Villany. Wigginstaff's has stood as the preeminent learning establishment, in Neua for over two and a half centuries. Three out of every five professional heroes and villains have walked Wigginsstaff halls, and every year more and more young hopefuls have stood before the school's golden gates and dreamt of their future fame or infamy. This is where we find ourselves now, but alas, we must continue a little further. We are still at Wigginsstaff's campus,

but we are prored from a much different direction. We find ourselves now at a wrought iron gate in the school's far wall. At the base of the tower, we can now see the annex. Wiganstaff's psychic and hinge person annex is run by Hironombs' younger brother and lifelong psychic Higelmiss Wigginstaff. The awkward building sits appropriately in the tower's shadow. It's clear from its construction that the annex was something of an afterthought, giving one the impression that it was shoved against the tower when no one was looking. But if you remember nothing else from what I have said, remember this. Do not be fooled by a purestown. The annex role is no less important than the towers.

Side kicks and hinge persons may not receive the same accolades, but the system of professional heroes and villains could not function without them. Even more so, the economy would crumble without the opportunities the support arts provide to those blessed with work ethic but little less. Our journey comes to an inauspicious hand. We find ourselves in a room, empty, save for three simple beds and a cat. This is an annex dorm room where three students will make their home, will make their home for the next five years. The beds are simple and serviceable.

The cat is difficult to perceive. We barely have time for our eyes to adjust to the shadowy room when there is a noise at the door. The cat disappears, not under the bed or behind a door, but into thin air. The first of the room's three occupants have arrived. And I'll let you decide amongst yourselves. Oh, it's us to play. Okay. Dungeons and Dragons is back.

Roll to enter room. Let's do it. Roll for initiative. Roll for Room initiative. Hold on, guys, hold on. I got to talk about Supernatural for 10 minutes. Do you want to start playing or should we... I'm going to go eat some granola bars real close to the microphone.

Oh, boy. We have a lot of fun here, but... I'll go in first. Okay. Describe your entrance and your appearance. My entrance has, I think I've been sort of presenting myself the entire time I have been since I stepped foot onto the Wigginstaff's campus. The Wigginstaff campus proper, let alone this Rinky Dink annex, has been a look of just huge disappointment, just wild and profound confusion and disappointment that this is where I now find myself matriculating. and I think that this dorm room would you say is it pre-durdyed did you say I mean I would say it's just you know it's your traditional old-timey stony room it's not like it's not dank it's not like a dungeon or anything but you know how often does the staff get in to clean there when no one's around you know what I mean like sure it's probably maybe it's two-star accommodations right um I yeah I'm just

going around, like, testing out the mattresses, not necessarily loving them. And my, I like this, like, Terrace House style. Should I describe my stees, my style? Yeah, what are you rocking, you know? Yeah, so I'm a half elf. I'm, you know, I look, I look really good, like sexy, handsome, good-looking, very sexual and handsome, good and popular and handsome and strong. and I'm rocking, you know, a half robe looking, got some tight trousers on under that.

I got some fake glasses on to make me seem erudite in front of my new, my new colleagues here. Speaking of, the second of your roommates, the second of the dorm roommates, arrives. Who is the second to arrive? Oh, I'll be the second to arrive. Uh, hello. Argo-Kean. and you would be pleased to make

your acquaintance I am Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt and I am looking forward to sharing a room with you where we will both sleep and all our stuff will be in the same room yes

that's marvelous isn't it do I have to call you sir is that part of the gig I mean, it is only customary, don't you think? So are you sure that this isn't just a confusion? Like, all three of these beds are for me because it's just the one room per person, like, civilized. No, our names were written on the door on little pieces of tape,

if you remember. Mine was there, Argo-Kean, and then your maple syrup thing was on there. So, yes, this is the room I'm supposed to be in. I'm pretty sure. Now, I'm going to interrupt here for just a moment, Dad. Tell us a little bit about what Fitzroy might see upon first glance at Argo King. Very handsome, very sexual. Okay.

I see a horny season. No, Argo is... Welcome to our most sexual season. Highly sexual season. Just wait till Archie and Jughead show up and everyone start smooching now. Oh, Argo is, he's a water Janassi. And he's a very athletic build. Got kind of, he's kind of a roguish-looking rogue kind of guy.

Yeah. He is roguish. He's got like a light blueish green tint to his skin. And there's like scaling, like small scaling. That does sound. sexual. Genesee is like half element. We never, right.

Half, half elemental, like, it could be a genie. It could be something else from the elemental plane. And in this case, a human parent. It's got long, dark blue hair tied back, like in a tail, like a ponytail kind of deal. And a handlebar mustache. He's got a cool. Loom. Yeah.

You had me until then. Handelbar mustache. Very dashing. Hey, dad, listen, you're committing to a lot here. I know it. I know it. Okay, you're sure about this handlebar mustache. Yeah, and I'm sure about the jogpers.

He's wearing jodpers. Wow. Shit. Yeah. This is like, this is, you're imagining this Travis kind of college age, right? So like, I grew a mustache. We all grew a mustache in college, right? Yes.

And it didn't stay for good. Well, maybe I'll shave it at some point. You never know about Janasi. they're like the water itself they they flow and change as argo is stroking his hand of our mustache and i imagine fitzroy is uh pretty horrified uh your third and final roommate arrives i will sleep on the floor i just got shivers we have god no we could be playing this game for two years we're good two years that i'm psyched um the there's no need to sit on the floor my friend, we're sleep on the floor.

The beds, there's three beds, one for each of us. I cannot sleep on this. I have tried it. I will sleep on the floor. Well, I suppose that's all right. That means you could have two beds, I guess, Fitzroy. It's the principle of the thing more than I don't need to sleep astride two beds as if I were some sort of, I don't know, like I was doing dressage on two horses. Are you on the floor with the dirt and bugs?

Yes. Okay. I admire your fortitude. Is there an administrator or some office here where I can go? But where is the master of facilities that I can speak to or the housekeeping staff? I'm worried there's been a terrible, terrible mistake. You mean the RA? You need the RA. The Royal Ambassador? Yes, I will accept the Royal Ambassador as well.

Now, Justin, tell us a little bit about your floor sleeper. He is a fearbug, which is like a sort of a forest dwelling. pseudo-giant not like giant sized big seven eight feet you know around there Jesus Christ that's a big that's an absolute unit

it's part of why the floor is kind of a better option he uh has bluish grayish skin if you were to um look at his clothes briefly you might think that he's wearing like tanned hides, but if you

examined more closely, it's a clearly sort of a highly treated leaf, layers of layers of leaves that have been worn into sort of a protective coating with like small

rocks and pebbles sewn into the to the fabric, as it were. And he is dirty. He doesn't seem to care very much about that. doesn't seem to bother him. And he, you know, his hair is matted, and he is very large, and he is now seated on the floor. So, my friend, what is your moniker?

What is your name, by the way? I have no name. Oh, God. We have no use for this name. I am of my clan or Vats

Or Or Vots What was it I was Of Klan So what do we call you? Yeah but what is your name though Like what should your name be

Here I have no use This is cool Cool cool cool Of this name? How about just Bud for now? Buddy, pal. If this is what you wish.

Buddy. I am Bud. Bud or Big Fred. Buddy works on several levels. He's classic. You look up at the right back corner of the room, and you see perched on a little stone shelf, a little stone gargoyle.

who now seems to be animated. Oh, my God. All right, students. Welcome to Hieronymus Wigginstaff School for Heroism and Villany, specifically the sidekick and Hinchperson Annex. I'm Gary, and I'm here to handle announcements and answer your questions. First announcement, no matter what anyone tells you, we do not urinate or defecate directly on the floor.

This is just a lie that older students tell first years. It does not magically disappear. It just magically sits there and it magically grosses everyone out. I look uncomfortable because I've already done it. I did it as soon as I got here. But I saw somebody else doing it first. There are state-of-the-art bathrooms located all over campus. Please, you, Dirty Bird, saw that.

Not again, all right? Secondly, as I'm sure most of you know, The school employs several evil teachers. This is no secret. However, please respect their privacy and do not ask in what way they are evil. Finally, you are cordially invited and 100% required to attend the welcome orientation at noon today in the dining hall. Lunch will follow, so come hungry. And remember, if you need anything, just say, Gary, help, and I'll do what I can.

And he settles back into place. I do not understand this. Yeah, I think I am coming up empty here too. Is the living stone man up there, Gary? Or is that some sort of voice box walkie-talkie situation? The dirt that we make is delicious to plant. So you are wanting to... I see no need to...

Right. To make it disappears. I will continue. I will continue to bring my dirt to the dirt. God, this is going to be a great semester. I'm really looking forward to it. I may stack my beds up too tall in a new invention that I could prove very lucrative. I'm very excited about just to keep a sort of different strata.

But, bud, could we at least pick a corner? Could you, like, perhaps have your corner to make dirt in? And we'll continue to... I will go to the wood. I am not animal. No. Mm-mm. I do love that Justin has just clarified that he's going to shit in the woods because his character isn't an animal.

Right. I am. And you may have the sleep pillow and... The bed you may stack to make it extra soft. Yeah, that was a good one. Yes. Or we can make bunk beds. Bunk beds would be cool in case we ever have a company.

What is a bunk to bed? Well, at sea, it's actually a hammock. So I've only read about them, but you have a bed on top of a bed in their space for someone to get into. the lower bunk and someone gets up into the upper bunk and it's all very jelly and fun. This is a hammock. There is no shame in this. Oh, okay. Gary, help. Gary, help? Yeah, what do you need, kid?

Are they really supposed to be three of us sleeping in just the one person room for one person? You got lucky. These are the nice ones. Sometimes there's like five or six in a room. This is pretty nice. You must have registered early. Would it be possible to have one more five or six room taking some people from this room as the additional members of the aforementioned five to six room? Listen, kid, you don't know how lucky you are, but you've got built in here. Friends. Huh?

A lot of people come to school, they don't know anybody. You get out there, oh, what do I do? Who do I hang out with, right? Now you got built in friends, people you know. Great. You're lucky. Along those lines. I'm going to do an insight check. Okay.

On Gary to try to determine the extent to which our will are, you know, our, sorry, our, the extent to which Gary is actually on our side, his concern for us as students versus, you know, his, it's just being a job. Okay. Give me a first role of the show to the. understand Gary the Gargoyle. I want to understand Gary the Gargoyle. I got a 14 and plus three. Okay, 17. So you get the idea that he is, here's what you know about the Gary the Gargoyle system already, right? So it is individual gargoyles in every room. And it's kind of a hive mind with individual consciousnesses, right? So it's not just one voice that speaks out of them. So

every different Gary does have its own personality. It just shares the same information. You get the, you get the impression from Gary that he is there to help. He does want you to have a good time. I mean, he's just getting to know you. Maybe over time he'll come to have a special bond with you. But right now, he is just there to help, but he does care about your enjoyment and making sure that you are taking care of. Okay. So let me ask you a question. If we have a conversation and, Gary overhears it. Will the next day we'll get a bunch of computer ads for products that related to what we talked about? Maybe. Cool. I put a piece of tape over my Gary's eyes.

That's good. That Gary could be hacked. Yeah, I don't want the dark. Fantasy tape. I understand. A lot of people do this. It doesn't bother me at all. I have hands and arms.

I'll take the tape off when you're gone. Do you have any questions? Anything I can help you all out with? Is off-campus housing an option? No. Next question. But wait, that means this is prison? No, it's not prison. It's just the nearest town is last hope.

Okay. And you need to be ready at a moment's notice for assignments. And, you know, it's so you can keep an eye on you or whatever. Cool beans. Listen, you got some time before the orientation at noon. You should go like explore campus, familiarize yourself with it, because classes start tomorrow, you know? So like, make hay while the sun is out and stuff, you know? Yeah, I think I'm going to go do that.

I'm going to start exploring the perimeter of the Wigan staff. So I want to know how. far I am from the wild. I want, I feel a great sense of comfort there. I need to know how far I have to go to reach the wild again. It was all very disorienting coming in. Obviously not a big traveler. Fearbulk tend to live in clans and very isolated, you know, sort of isolated to their, to their region. So he hasn't been away from there very much. So kind of getting the sense of his environment. So here's what I can tell you. This is something you would already know it's part of all of the pamphlets and you know uh information all the the the documents about wiganstaffs so the campus is laid out

uh north of the city of last hope uh in the crux of the intersection of the god scarcasm and the unknown forest uh both are incredibly deadly um but between last hope and uh wigan staffs there is some forest It's just not merely as wild as the unknown forest. It's just, you know, like some trees and stuff. It doesn't even have a name. It's just some, you know, cops of trees and hills and that kind of thing. I'm going to do, I'm going to go to the edge of the unknown forest. Okay.

I'm not going to go in it. Go kill the final boss, man. I want to go kill the final boss of the whole game. Yeah. Fucking wrap it up. No, I want to, I want to, I want to check it out to the extent that I can't. safely and sort of getting a sense of like how fucked I'd be in there because I'm pretty good in the woods and I want to know what I'm dealing with. So are you all Fitzroy and Argo are you going

to explore as well? Yeah, I think it would be good to keep us together. I want to also clean the room up, leave my mark on it, but I can do that later. Yeah, and I think Argo's going to go along because he is not quite 100% sure that Bud's not just going to start shitting everywhere. And he just, he just wants, you know, get to know him a little bit. Yeah, I think also there is a part, he made a prison joke earlier, but I think there is a part of Sir Fitzroy that is like real uncomfortable here. And when Gary mentioned having Bud's built in, he was like, oh, wait, that's a good idea. This guy's huge and this guy has a mustache.

So what does he know? As you exit the sidekick and hinge person dorms, you are accosted, by a large man with a big beard and big hair. And unintentionally, here's my second weird voice of the episode. I promise they won't all be like this. Hello there, kids. I'm Grownsy the Groundskeeper. You have to be shitting me.

Welcome to Wigginstaffes. It's an honor to make your acquaintance. I am Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt and I... Oh, fancy lad, aren't you? Oh, it's good to meet you, sir, fancy. It's a great, it's a great name, Grownsey. Does everyone here have such a whimsical name? I do had them wondering this.

Nope. Just, uh, who else did you run into before me? Well, let's see. We've had another double G, Gary the Gargoyle. Oh, Gary! Is everybody's name to start with G's here? No, just poor planning on my part. I should have been later in the day, I guess.

There is a nobility to this name. You work in the ground. Your name is Ground Z. There is nobility in this. Okay. He says dope shit like that all the time. It's very deep. It's really cool.

I wasn't expecting it was very deep. Well, I'm here. I take care of the grubly. grounds and I move around. You'll see me all over the place. And you can come talk to old Groundsy anytime, but don't come to my hut. That's Groundsy's place. That's where Grownsie gets to be Grownsy. You know what I mean? So please, please, that's Groundsy's time. Please don't come to Groundsy's hut. But if I'm out and about on campus, feel free to stop me and ask me any questions you might have. Sure, just for future reference,

in the future, whatever you would call students like this. I had no interest in going to your house before we started speaking. No, please don't even introduce the other. That's Groundsy's place. Well, I didn't introduce the idea you did. That's what I'm saying. Like, now I know for sure you've got werewolf eggs or some sort of, I don't know. You don't need to think about it anymore.

Don't trouble yourself. That's Groundsy's business. Gary, help. Gary? Gary's in your room. Oh, you can't summon him. And he's not Janice. I thought he was in every room.

Well, we are outside, which is kind of a room. God's room. Well, okay, groundsy, help. Okay. Doesn't work that right? I mean, could you, since you are in charge of the grounds, could you take my friend here and show him? Whoa, whoa, whoa, thank you for the promotion. I'm not in charge of the grounds.

I keep the grounds. You know what I mean? Like, I'm, I keep the grounds. grounds. I don't own the ground. I'm not in charge of the grounds. I see. Can you, can you tell me of this forest? Oh, the unknown forest, Jameen. I'm realizing now that perhaps information on it is hard to come by. Yeah, little sparse. Uh, I have, uh, need, I, please forgive. I. I have not much need to talk. Okay, well, the unknown forest, there is certain rules put in place.

You're not allowed to get too close to it. You can go observe it. There's nothing again that, but do not enter the unknown forest. That way lies only death. And give it a wide berth. You know what I mean? It's to our north, to our northeast. there's a door, a gate, the gate that you came through, the route iron one, just past me hut.

Make sure you also give me hut to wide berth. Don't go near Groundsy's hut. Which would you say is more dangerous? Both in different ways. Okay, I got to get in this hut. No, oh, don't, I got my eye on you, boy. Fancy lad, don't go near the hut. Oh, no.

So a fancy lad, excuse me. This has been fun. Okay. Well, we're going to make our way to one of the places you told us not to go. So on to the unknown forest. I'm not your boss. So we're heading to the unknown forest. So you head past...

Wait, wait, what? Yeah, I don't want to go anymore. Yeah. I get it. It's bad. I won't go in there. Okay. As you exit this uncomfortable conversation with Groundsy, the groundskeeper, you now have two options.

You can go to the left. and pass around the school by the barn side, or you can go to the right and pass around the school on the battleground side. And you do not have to all go together for this, because you will end up at the same place. So if some of you would like to go check out the barn, if you would like to go check at the battlegrounds, or if you'd like to all go together, that is totally cool.

I'm definitely going to the battleground, because I am hoping to find some sort of proper night training facilities. it would bring me great comfort to know that there is some state of the art night training facilities in this place, so I'm swinging by there. I don't think barn is going to get me where I need to go.

And I am going to go past the barn. I'd like to kick it with some fucking animals. What about you, Argo? I think he'll go to the battlegrounds. He's not real comfortable around animals so much after a life on the sea.

Sorry, I didn't mean to do Groundsy there. I'm sorry. Hey, yeah, watch out. That's my IP. So, we are going to go barn side first. You pass the annex on your right, a squat square wood building smushed against the white stone tower. You see Groundsy's hut on your left. The windows are painted black, and there are several locks on the doors. He also has an abundance of lawn decorations. Just past the hut, you see the barn.

It's your standard wood affair and long enough to house several animals. The barn doors are open, if you would like to venture in. I assume you do. Yes. Yes, I'm going in. Inside, you at first find what one might expect to find in any barn. Several horses, cows, a few sheep. But as you move down the aisles, the denizens of the barn become more exotic. You see a unicorn with a bandage on its leg, a hippocamp swimming in a special water-filled stall,

and a jackaloupe resting quietly in a hutch. In the last stall, separated from a barnage. from the rest. You see what appears to be a baby Pegasus. And behind you, you here, oh, hello, you must be new. Yes. Oh, my. Sir, Fierborg, I had no idea. It's an honor to meet you. And you turn to find a, what, let's just say it, a beautiful centaur man. And you know, because he is the only centaur professor on campus. This is Hernandez. He is the animal handling professor here.

It is an honor to meet one of the Fearbug. I know everything about you, but I, you know, as I too care for animals, I too am of the land, but I so rarely get the opportunity to discourse with someone else who loves the woods and the land and the forest as much as I do. Yes. Yes, I do know your people to be fairly soft-spoken. Perhaps you could help me. And he points to the stall with the baby Pegasus and says,

I found this baby Pegasus wandering outside the unknown forest. I waited there with her for a day. And her parents never came. And I fear that she has been orphaned. But she won't eat. and I worry about her. Do you have any insight into this?

I cast Speak with Animals. Excellent. That seems like a good way to do this. Yeah, it's extremely confident. Okay, so I've cast that on myself. I will ask the Pegasus. Pardon me. Huh?

Huh. There is no fear. I am friend. This, Sindhar wants to know why will you not eat? I'm waiting for my mommy and daddy. Oh, there are they? We were attacked and I got separated and I waited. I waited and waited for them and they did not come.

Oh, no, young. I am very sorry, but I think you may be alone for a while. Oh, no. But this is okay. I am alone. I was part of a clan and now I am on my own. own but look at me big and strong right yes you too can be big and strong right yes yes Here. Here. I have berries. Do you like berries? Yes, very much.

Please. Try. And she begins to eat. What, who attacked, did you, did you see? It was so dark and it moved so fast. It was. It wasn't big, but it moves so fast. I am sorry you had to see this, youngling, but for now we will both eat our berries and be quiet, huh? I think sometimes they forget how to be quiet. To travel with Argo and Sir Fitzroy.

I've made several meaningful. emotional connections with animals along the way also. We didn't see it. It wasn't in frame. It was just out of shot. You pass with the annex on your left. Now, as you round the tower, you can see the battlegrounds. To the untrained eye, it could easily be mistaken for just a patch of dirt.

But for those in the trade, the signs of a century's worth of fights are clear. Made even clearer by the scene playing out before you. In the center of the grounds is a remarkably, tall woman. One might say that this Goliath holds a large kite shield, but that would not do her justice. She wields it like a protective force of nature. On either side of her, you see a dark-skinned man in cloth armor wielding a two-handed staff, and a dragon born with silver scales and a silver sickle shining in the morning sun. The two alternate strikes on the Goliath, but seem unable to pierce her defense. Then the dragon board charges in with sickle raised, but swerves at the

last second to reveal the man coming in low behind him. He swings his staff below the Goliaths raised shield and gently taps her ankle. Immediately the fight is done. The three begin rapidly reviewing the exchange in perfect detail. You are spotted by the staff wielding man and he makes his way over. Oh, hello, new students. Hello, please to make your acquaintance, I'm Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. Well, that is quite a name. My name is Jimson, but I am certain my reputation persuades me. Do you have a funny last name like Jimson Digglemus or Jimson Jamitowes? Jimson weed, maybe.

Would that work? No. No. I would like, let's see, both of you to roll a, just give me a straight up wisdom check. Oh, I have zero of that. That's a 10. that's a 16 okay great

so this is Jimson you know this from a lot of promotional materials for the school he is the battlegrounds trainer for the sidekicks

and hinge people he is also a world famous arena champion in the featherweight division um big fan um I'm a huge I've read the scrolls about your latest bouts and

Really excited about you know tucking it on and duking it out and learning all your moves Well that is lovely but it sounds like maybe you've never been in a fight oh I've been in a few fights Yes, okay I've I've sparred my fair share of spars and I jump in the like dueling position perfect sparring i don't i griffin don't know what that means well that is excellent form are you one of the new hero students i mean yeah yes that's what i'm saying there's been a horrible horrible horrible mistake oh how so i've i seem to have been misplaced in the sidekick slash hinge person program oh your sir fitzroy Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, yes.

Of course. Of course. Crush. Crush, honey. And the dragon porn turns? Yes, Jimson. This is Sir Fitzroy, the one we were talking about. The student who used to be in the hero tract but isn't anymore. That's okay. Oh, forgive me if that came across as callous.

We're very excited to work with you. We've never had a student with your abilities before. It's very interesting. Fascinated. Cool. Like a, oh, cool. Like a science experiment. Fun.

No, please don't misunderstand me. You're very special. You should feel very proud. Yeah, so proud. So proud. Proud like a baby child of mine. Love it. Love the powers.

Oh, excellent. I was being extremely facetious. They've ruined my life. Well, your life isn't over yet. Feels like it. Feels like it. You know, if I may be so bold, I, too, have suffered through disappointments and loss, and sometimes I too felt like I was lost in the moment.

But it's amazing what you can make it through and who you might become on the other side. Now, you better hurry along. You wouldn't want to be late for the orientation, would you? I hate to miss that. Farewell. So the three of you reconnect back near the entrance to the main tower. Do you want to do a little catch-it-up on the adventures you went on? I had my feelings hurt by a strong man.

What about you, bud? I met a small Pegasus that had been attacked. Her family destroyed. Very sad. Yes, holy crap. I can't think of anything sadder. I met someone who was wanting to, who's training us and I opened up and told him how excited I am and he completely shut me down and paid attention to sir here. It was awesome.

That happens a lot. It does a lot around you, apparently. Very charismatic. Excuse me, are the three of you going to stand around all day chatting or could you move along, maybe clear the same? space, because some of us are rocking some pretty big hangovers and ringing headaches and just can't sit here and listen to any more of your bullshit. Oh, uh, pardon me, friend, but this is Sir Fitzroy Applejack, and he is a very important person.

Just ask him. I appreciate this, sir. You got the last name right. Yes, please watch who you are addressing. Oh, I'm very sorry. Is Applejack right? No, it's... That said it wrong so many times.

I'm confused now. We're introducing these characters. Fitzroy... Maple court. Maple, like the syrup court, like a judge sits in. I'm going to think of a basketball court. Everybody stuck to it from all the... That's good.

There it is. Maple court. Oh, I apologize. I did not realize that you were important. What was that name one more time? We've just did a whole thing, but it is Sir Fitzroy Maple Court, night and absentia of the realm of good... Yes, I am aware of Goodcastle. My name is Rolandus Fontaine.

Damn, son! Wow! If this were a fancy name competition, we would be equally matched. The fancy name team. Okay, I didn't recognize you. A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Allow me to introduce my friends. This terrifying sorcerer to my right is Zana. She's a villain, but don't hold that against her. And to my left, this Rhodes, the Ranger, another hero like myself, and like you, such a pleasure to meet another hero of breeding. Well, now you've made it weird. Oh?

It's just, yeah, I mean, you brought, yes, I mean, you, you talk about the breeding of anyone could be a hero. You are a hero, aren't you? I am still waiting to see how many credits are going to transfer over from night school, But I think in spirit, yes, you could say I'm a hero. I wonder why they stuck you with us then, because we're not heroes. I'm going to be a sidekick. And I wonder why they put you in with us.

I am a disgrace, nothing worse than the dirt below your feet. Okay. Maybe that's it. Maybe you two are my sidekicks. And that's why there's been, again, a terrible mistake. and I'm the hero. You two are my sidekicks and you are going to train under me, perhaps? Just to clarify very quickly, are the three of you dorm mates? We are dorm sharers.

Ah, okay. So you are a sidekick or hench person. Thank you so much for clarifying. I almost wasted my time and energy fighting through this hangover to be cordial. Now, if you'll please, excuse me, I'm going to settle back down into this ringing headache and pretend like none of this ever happened. And then you hear a voice from behind you. Come now, Rolandus. No need to be shitty. These are our new friends, and they deserve our attention, I guess, as much as you do.

Oh, Buckminster, I didn't expect to see you back for another year. I assumed your daddy would send you to another school. or, I don't know, the military or maybe prison. You're the bully, right? Well, here's the thing. Let me tell you. Pay no attention to Orlando. He's just a piece of shit.

Right. How dare you, Buckminster. Do you know who you're talking to? Yes, I do. I believe I'm talking to the son of a, let me check my notes here, deposed king? Is that correct? Former king?

Making you a former prince? Is that correct? Let me check it. Yes. What do you think, Rainier? And he looks to his right, and you, next to him, is a smiling, shining, young woman with long blonde hair, sitting in a very ornate floating chair. And she says, yes, I, yeah, I think that checks out to post-King. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he rules in exile. He is gathering powerful friends. He has plans. We'll get it back. Yes, I am aware. Now, please, Rolandus, Zana, Rhodes, pleasure, please go inside and get seats and let us talk and you enjoy your hangover in the shadows where a hangover does best. I am going to go inside, but not because you told me to, because I want to. And Rolandus and Zana and Rhodes go inside. I am so sorry about him.

He is, as I said, a real piece of shit. He's not, honestly, he's not that bad. I mean, he is. But what you see is what you get. Unlike me, I'm a piece of shit, but I'm just very charming. So let me introduce myself. My name is Buckminster Eden. I am the son of the Iron Lord, which I'm sure requires no explanation.

Oh, and here, and you see, he had been in the shadows about five steps back. A taller man, a bit beefier, bald steps up, and he's definitely older than Buckminster. You put him at probably 28. This is my sidekick, Leon. Hi, hi, everybody, probably said. Good to meet you. I could not do without him, without him and I have to carry my own stuff, fight my own battles. He is essential.

And to my right, this is my friend Reneo. She, let's see, she is a shining ray of light in these dark times, disgustingly upbeat, wonderfully, wonderfully loyal, and the most talented necromancer I've ever met. So there's that, oh, stop. You, you flatter me so much, Buckminster. Thank you so much. It's so nice to meet you. What are your names, new friends? And sir, for it's a row of a minute of it.

Okay. I did it really fast that time, but you heard all of it. I still caught it. What about you, my Genossi friend? Argonaut Keen at your service. Whoa. To make your acquaintance. That's a cool name.

What about you? I am here. Okay. It's complicated. Okay. What do you call him? Let me call him, Bud. Okay, thanks, bud.

I'm, as he said, we're in here. Anybody want to ask about the chair? Go ahead and get that. Out of the way, anybody? I thought it would be fairly impolite. Oh, no, I don't mind. Do you want to know? Yes.

Okay. So, I have a chronic... illness that makes it difficult for me to walk or even stand up sometimes. So I commissioned this chair and a master carpenter built it for me and then an artificer, you know, worked their stuff on it. So now it floats and I can pretty much go anywhere and it does this. And she presses a button on the armrest and you see like lights shine from underneath the chair and they like kind of shift colors to different colors of the rainbow. You have under, you have ground effects? I do. That kicks a lot of A. I know, and it's got a bunch of secret compartments in it, and I've got a snack

drawer over here, and she pops it open, and there's, like, some trail mix in there. You are the first cool person that I've met here so far, so it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. And... Hey, thanks. I think you're cool, too. So are you a villain? Yes. Okay. Yes, there is that. Buckminster's a hero, believe it or not. Just a joke. And I'm a villain. I think that mostly has to do with the necromancer thing. Right. It's the dynamics.

I'm still getting... I am a transfer student from night school. Perhaps you've heard of it? Oh, from Clyde Knight's Night Night School. Clyde Knight's Night School, yes. And there it was all just sort of chivalry and good deeds and what have you. And so the idea of... Very old school.

So please don't take this the wrong way, but the idea of attending school with... villainy is not something I'm entirely comfortable with. Well, you know, in this day of age, it's more titled than anything else, you know, like, the more we work together, the easier it is out there in the field, you know, to make sure that everybody's on the up and up and make sure everything's working out. And you know what, this would actually be a great time. Griffin, what doesn't everybody roll a very, very low history check for me? Oh, well, I have minus one intelligence.

So this is going to go, oh, it's a 16 total. Hey. Okay, cool. So then I'm going to say that you know this. Everybody knows this. So basically the way that this world works is that there are people who are hired to be villains and people who are hired to be heroes in a town, in a city, in a kingdom, right? And then the battles that they wage, quote unquote, the, you know, their antics, their stories raise the profile of the kingdoms.

But the heroic oversight guild exists to make sure that heroes don't start taking bribes or hurting people or anything like that. And that villains don't hurt too many people and keep it to like injuries instead of like killing. and that it's it kind of becomes a very much like uh almost looney tunes-esque battles back and forth to make them more showy rather than actually having any kind of end goal okay um so at this point it's more about the hero and villain titles uh you are on the hero track or the villain track depending on what your skill set is of how showy it will be when you attack or anything like that. It has very little to do with any kind of morality. Using D&D parlance, like our alignment could be one thing, but we could still do a different job.

Okay. Interesting. Absolutely. There are many heroes that are like chaotic or, you know, chaotic good or even maybe even chaotic evil, but or lawful evil or whatever, but the heroic oversight guild keeps them in line. And what you also know is that when someone is branded as, you know, evil, it means that the heroic oversight guilt has determined that they are no longer qualified to work professionally as a hero or villain. So that's why there are so many evil teachers here at the school is they used to be former heroes or villains who have lost their accreditation and now have turned to teaching. That's a cool idea, Traff. Hey, thank you so much. So with introductions aside, let's say we head in and get this orientation underway.

I'm already feeling oriented as hell, but, um, sure. Hi, everybody. It's me, your dungeon master and your best friend, Travis McRoy, and I'm so excited that you are here. I'm excited that we are here. Um, we have been talking about and planning graduation for like six or seven months at this point. I have put way too much work and thought into it. And I'm so excited now that you get to listen to it. and I have a lot of announcements to make here in the break, so I will make this as quick as possible. First, I want to say a special thank you to everyone who shared the trailer, and thank you to Janet Varney, Mimi Chu, Griffin McRoy, and Evan Palmer for the amazing work that you all did on the trailer.

I think it's breathtakingly beautiful. I love it so much. And special thanks to another actual play D&D podcast called The Broadswords. The Broadsords is an all-female and non-binary-led actual play show, and it is also where I first debuted Buckminster Eden. I love playing him so much that I incorporated him into graduation. If you would like to hear more from him and Leon, go listen to The Broad Source. It's a great show. You're going to love it. Also, thank you to Kate Welch, Brennan, Matt Mercer, Sotene Phoenix, Chris Perkins, and Griffin MacRoy for being my DM mentors. And more than anything, thank you to Justin, Griffin, and Dad, for helping me create this world and for playing with me in it. Now some MPC names.

There have been a couple in this episode, and there's going to be even more in the future. So far, we've got Hernandez is named after Scott Hernandez. Rhodes is named after Renee Rhodes. Zana is named after Lindsay Zana. And Rainier is named after my dear, dear friend, Rachel Miner. There's going to be lots more NPCs coming, lots more NPC names that have already been named, lots more NPCs that will need names. So be sure to keep tweeting about the show.

and using the hashtag the Zonecast and your name might get used for an MPC. And one last thing, if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to tell everyone you know and for real thank you for all the support. It means so much to me. You're all amazing. And now,

let's get back to the show. Enjoy. So, you enter the school proper. You enter into the main hall. Now, this is also the dining hall. There's a raised platform at the front edge of the hall on it is a massive table with seating for 25, and this is the staff table. Currently, however, only 14 seats are occupied. At the center is Hieronymus Wigan staff. He wears

shining blue armor with gold accents. You know full well that he's at least 500 years old, but you'd swear he couldn't be a day over 400. He is looking confidently around the room, unafraid to make eye contact with anyone. That's how confident he is. The hall itself is full of eight-person tables, though currently no one is sitting so that everyone can face the stage. You also notice that the hall appears to be buffet style with options to fit the students' various cultural and physical dietary needs. The walls are decorated with portraits of some of the school's most illustrious alumni. Once the hall is filled, a human man with kind eyes stands from his chair at the staff table and clinks his glass. Great foliwork. Yeah, thank you. That's that pro-D-M

shit. Hello, everyone. For those who have not met me, my name is Tomas, and I am the guidance counselor for both the school and the annex. My door is always open. Please do not hesitate to ask for help. Now, before we go to the action, just a reminder that the campus is full of state-of-the-art restroom facilities, no matter what anyone says. Okay, now, to the elf himself, he led the charge at the Battle of Blood and Bloods, Valley. He brought the warring kingdoms of Rick Art and Don Break to peace talks and kept them at the table till they signed the treaty. He founded this very school and gave us all jobs. Pause for last.

Hieronymus Wigginstaff. Woo! Yes! Thank you. Wiggin. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you, Tomas, and thank you all. It is such a joy to once again begin another year. What a pleasure to see so many families. your faces and how exciting to see so many new ones as well. I've said it before, but this time I really mean it. I think this is going to be the school's best year yet. Now, I'm sure you all have heard the stories about me, and let me assure you, they're all true. But what you may not know is that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the support of my brother

and sidekick, Higgled Miss Wigg and staff. And he gestures to the chair to his chair to his right and realizes it is empty. He looks around the room. Higg. Higg, are you here? A glowing illusion of an old elf appears in the chair. It is Higel, Ms. Guggenstaff. He appears to be quite a bit older than his older brother, Hieronymus. His robes are ill-fitting, but his scowl seems perfectly tailored to his face. What do you want? It's orientation. Come down from your office and greet the new students. Piss off. Too busy. I'll do it from here. Welcome to the school. If you need help, please don't. Hesitate to ask. Higglemus out. And the illusion fades. Oh, that higelmiss. What a kidder. All the staff is here for you, even those that are hard at work.

Classes begin tomorrow So be sure to take the day To familiarize yourself with the campus And make sure to make some new friends Now let lunch be served And a very brawny human man steps to the front and says Hello, my name is Stuart LeBiff

I am the chef here And I do not like nicknames Please Enjoy lunch And he goes back into the kitchen. That was Shia Leboeuf? Stuart Leboeuf. Oh, sorry.

Oh, God. I just realized this is a world without Shia Leboff. You don't know that. We're just at the beginning. Yeah, but you would, but it would have been a reference. I mean, they would have said something.

Maybe this is Shia LeBuff's great, great, great, great grandfather. Yeah, but he would have said that's my great, great grandson. You know what I mean? Like I just... This is a time before time, Justin? I'm just saying that this world, there's not one currently, and that's very safe. Okay. That means there's no even Stevens in this world?

Not yet. Oh, Griffith. Well, no, no, that's not. It's possible that... They made it with somebody else. Oh, shit. No, you know what? It wouldn't even be even Stevens.

It's like a different shit. It wouldn't even... Are there holes? In this world, they're just holes, Dad. Oh, man. They're just holes? There's no movies about them. Not yet.

Everybody's like one of those round things where there aren't stuff. They don't even have a name for him yet. No, I'm not going to say that because that'll commit me to the bit too hard. And I don't want to have to remember that in 20 episodes. So, You've all grabbed your lunch. I don't know what Janossi's or Fearbolts eat. But you know what I eat? That's presumptuous.

I assume something fancy. No. Oh. I eat real, you know, farmer food, dude. I eat the plain run of the... No, that's not sure. I eat it's the fancy stuff. Yeah, I thought so. So you have your plates on your trays, and you look around the room, and you see just what you'd expect.

returning students filling out tables with familiar friend groups. You see groups of magiccasters amusing each other with illusion and by transmuting food. A table of rogues take turn losing and winning the same money back and forth with marked cards and loaded dice. A table of clerics sit reading in companionable silence. Damn clerics. You see new students wondering aimlessly, looking for open tables. And then, thank God you're saved because Leon approaches and says, Uh, hey guys, if you, if you want you can come sit with us, Buckminster sent me over to get you,

you can sit with us and Rainier. Um, do you have room? Yeah, there's plenty of room. We always make room for friends, and it gives you a thumbs up. Oh, geez. Cool, yeah. I'm in. Are we in?

Are these teachers? Are these, like, other students? Leon's a sidekick. Okay. Buckminster's a hero, and Rainier is a villain. Right, but they're not professors, right? No. No.

Okay. Okay. I would not commit you all to sitting with teachers on the first day of school. You would not survive that. Well, see, that's what I always say. I mean, we don't want to sit with teachers because then, you know, we're going to be the suckups and the teachers' pets. So I'm definitely going to try and sit with the teachers. At some point.

Okay. No, right. Like, I'd love, I need to find out about these hours. I'd have some credits. I would love to get transferred over. and nobody's been able to answer my questions about that. So I kind of want to take it, I want to take it all the way to the top.

Roll a charisma check for me. That is a 13 plus 2. 15. A 15. Okay, great. You approach Tomas, the guidance counselor, and he says, yes, you must be, and he closes his eyes for just a second. Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt.

Knight and absentia of the realm of Goodcastle. Yes, good. Oh, fantastic. How can I help you? I'm in heck. And I, it's just, I don't think I'm supposed to be in the junior, junior varsity program here. I am, I know that I have some credits. I am awaiting to be transferred over from night school where I'm sure you know I attended for quite some time. And now I'm here and yet I seem to be with the new, the freshman.

And so I'm just wondering if I need to take this all the way to the top or who I need to speak to or it's a repetition I need to file. I don't mean to upset you, but I was under the impression that you failed out of Clyde Knight's night night school. Failed is, failed's a way of, hmm, fail's one way of, but not my way of, I have credits, I should have credits. I can look into it. I will see what I can do for you, Sir Fitzroy. Bud, what is your stance on... I know your stance on beds. What is your stance on tables and chairs? Um, I am not of this world, but I miss it.

I love these conversations with Bud. It's like Tuesdays with Mori over here. I tell you what, bud, I don't feel particularly welcome here at this table. Why don't you and I go find... ourselves a place to sit. I want to sit with Leon. He invited us over there. I don't want to sit with a guidance counselor. Do we have to sit with a guidance counselor? No, go sit with Leon. Man, you've got agency. Is that okay, Dad? I mean, he invited us and I don't want to be rude. Oh, yes. Let's do that. Yes, we'll go sit with Leon. I'm retreating. I'm retreating from this

ploy. It did not work, and I'm going to go sit with Leon and them also, but just being very, very dejected, not eating my food. You sit, you have a lovely meal. You get to know them. Buckminster asked, what is your specialty, Fitzroy? What, excuse me, Sir Fitzroy, what is it that you do? Well, I was nearly a graduate of the night school program. Oh, Clyde Knight's Night Night School? Yes, and then all of a sudden, sort of against my will, I changed tracks. you might say to the magic program. And that's where I, that's what I'm doing now, apparently. Oh, you developed your magic.

So late. So late. Yeah, totally. You would think that it just wasn't coming and you would live in a comfort, a sort of comfort, knowing that fact. And yet, you know, life finds a way. So are you now a magic user, a necromancer, sorcerer, wizard, healer? Undecided.

Yeah. I still don't really have a good grasp on it. I know Presta Digitation. Do you know Presta Digitation? Yes. Everybody knows Presti Digitia. I'm, yes. Okay, I'm just...

I do not know Presta Digitation. Yeah, it's like I'm new to this. You don't have to be snide about it. Like, I know like three spells. And so like one of them is... I'm sorry. I did not mean to get in your time. Just a gentle ribbing amongst friends.

Now, but... He's very sensitive. But it is a can't rip. Oh, okay. Not a spell, to be fair. Ah, good natured ribbing all around. Now, Bud, tell me about yourself. Who is, bud?

Sorry, you, my fearful friend. We've been calling you Bud all day. Yes. What do you do? Is this, is this, are we happy with Bud? I mean, we can keep workshopping? Is it settled? No?

To be bud. It kind of feels like you don't want it to be settled on bud. I have lived for many summers. I am not a bud. What about Fitzroy Maple Corp? No, hey. This is perfect. No, wait, hold on.

No, just ribbing. This is continued ribbons. But then you could delineate us because then he would just be regular Fitzroy. Yes. And I can be certain. So, Phytoid, what do you do? What's your special skill set? Are you, like myself, a rogue?

Are you a magic user? Are you a fighter? I am the magic of the forest. I commune with the magic of the forest. Druid. Yeah. Druid is. the word. Yes, you are druid. Okay, great. Got it, got it, file that away. Okay. What about you

Argonaut? I, do you prefer Argo? Argo to friends, yes. I'm leaning towards your profession, actually, the rogue, the whole roguish thing. You're looking to intern to the roguish arts. I am, yes, I am. Now, did he decide on that because he looks roguish already? He's like, well, I'm not as to lean into it. It's going to be hard to be like a rogue cleric. I don't like that shifty cleric. It's the job purse. The job purse?

Yes. And the traditional rogue garb. I come from a sailing background and the sea. A sea man. Life aboard. Yes, we try not to say that because it opens too many doors. Well, this is all. Actually, you are such a wide array of skills.

I myself, as I said, am a rogue. Leon here is kind of a fighter. Would you say? Yes. I would say fighter. Yeah. Leon's a fighter. And as we already said, Rainier, I'm a necromancer.

Right. Yes. No need to demonstrate. She does this weird thing with squirrels. It's cute, but at the same time, deeply, deeply troubling. Don't ask her to do it. At least not while I'm here. Hey, will you do the thing with the squirrel?

Oh, no. Yes. I'd love to. And a compartment in her chair opens up and a squirrel of the skeleton comes out and does a little, hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my rock-time girl, across the table.

And it's cute. This is ghastly. But it's very troubling. I like that. Not very much. I told you. This was a pain to me. This is

this was a pain to me. Yeah, I said to see this is a pain. Okay. I was wondering if I might be so bold as to invite you all on a tour after lunch. I'm paying forward a debt I was given my first year. I will then give you a tour, and then I won't have to worry about my spiritual debt anymore. What do you say?

Just anything to make your life easier. I'm sure we're down for it. I will join this. Yes. Maybe you can show me where the sauna is. Oh, relaxation. What? Bad news.

Are you kidding me? Uh, and as you're finishing up your meal, uh, here approaches, uh, Rolandus. Uh, yes. Hello. Uh, first, allow me to apologize. I have had some water. some coffee and a lot of bacon, and I realize now that earlier I was being a bit of a shit, as Buckminster put it. So, allow me to apologize and to invite you to join myself and Rhodes

and Zana tonight for a little rite-of-passage ceremony. We are already taking the tour. This is no tour, my friend. This is a centuries-old ceremony to welcome first years, you know, make them part of the group. It is a very dangerous and terrifying rite of passage. He's making it seem very weird, but it really is a right-of-it-a-thing thing that they do every year with new students. It's not as weird as he's making it seem for some reason. There aren't paddles involved, are there?

No, no paddles. And we'll go with you. If you want, we're happy to, to tag. Oh, okay. Uh, I guess, yes. If you would like to go, we will also go, even though it may be past some of our bedtimes. So, might I mark you all down as yeses on your RSVPs this evening?

I will do the weird thing. Excellent. Is it going to, am I going, is it going, okay, do I have to carry a lemon with my butt? You don't have to, but you can if you want to, I guess. Then that's, that's going to, that's sure. Yes, absolutely. That would put me right off lemons and I need those for scurvy. Yes, of course, totally understandable.

Then tonight, when the moon is high and the wolf, howls and the bat flies about nine o'clock i'd say then shall we meet by the edge of the unknown forest see you then and ralander's twirls his cape and exits the room now it is time for the tour follow me won't you keep your elbows and legs inside you know at all times that kind of thing and do be careful of the stairs Why? Because they're old. They don't do anything. They don't come to life and eat you.

They're just stairs. Yeah, some of them are a bit uneven. It seems like some of them are a bit of a rush job. Do they move around at all? Do they just stay in place? What? Do they move around? Of course they stay in place.

The stairs. Of course. Why would they move? I read. But that would be the most impractical thing I've ever heard. Of course they stay in place. I didn't say it made sense. I'm just asking.

You silly, bitch. All right. Now, let us begin our tour at the top of the tower. Well, I say top. Not quite the top. We'll go to floor number four because floor five is, of course, Heronimus's office, and you only go up there by invitation. So here on the fourth floor, and you make your way up the central spiral staircase of the tower. We have the survival classroom. We have the persuasion classroom. the accounting classroom, and of course, sneakerie. Sneakerie is taught by our very own... Where they make the sneakers. Where you make the sneaker. No, it's where you learn to be a sneaker. It's also the only classroom in the tower with a balcony.

Fun fact. Now, any questions? Sorry, I don't need to rush. Who teaches the sneakerie class? Ah, yes. Quite a character. He's a bit of an acquired taste. I enjoy momentously.

His name is Jackal. and he is, believe it or not, a king co. Don't see a lot of those. Very fun. He, like I said, he's a trip. That fool will appear all over the place. Very fun if you're into that kind of thing. Have fun with that.

And of course, our accounting department, oh boy, we are so lucky. Thought by Bartholomeus. Yes, that Bartholomeus. Give me a... The owl that tumble. wants to have sex with. The owl that everyone wants to smooch on the face.

Give me a, all three of you, a, I guess, wisdom role, knowledge roll? 12th. That's good enough. Barthomas is very famous. 18. 18. I got to take.

Dad's an expert in this horny owl. Yeah, dad knows everything about the smoochable face. So, in this world, the skill that is a prized above all else and heroes and villains, and even in sidekicks and hench people, is accounting. Because at this point, you're basically a government servant. And your job is to make sure you're not overspending, because at any point it may be determined that it is more expensive to have you on payroll than to just hire a new hero or villain. And so oftentimes the sidekick's main job is to keep up with the finances of the hero and villain,

but everyone is responsible for it and every kingdom is looking for a fiscally responsible hero and villain and you know that Bartholomus is the number one accountant in the land. It is an honor to get to learn from him. Is he here? Is he present?

He is not currently. Okay. So this tower, this is Griffin asking. I was about to do Fitzroyd, but this tower is where the hero and villain classes are, right? Correct. There is cross. There are definitely some, like, you will be taking sneakery. Everyone takes accounting.

Okay. Like, there's definite crossover, but there are some hero and villain. Only classes, for example, strategy. Strategy is reserved for heroes and villains. Survival is for heroes and villains. Persuasion is for heroes and villains. But there is a lot of crossover. Are there any electives like bowling or PE or anything like that?

Well, yes, there is PE. There is P.E. The P.E. is in the form of the battle training and shield work. Good, good, good, good. So now let us move to the third floor. Here you have research, healing. Healing also, by the way, is the nurse's office. So if you, you know, need any patching up, this is where you'll head to.

The Potions classroom, of course, strategy. And, of course, over there is Magic Class. So any questions here? or... No? Okay. Moving right along. Do, too.

Who teaches potions? Is he bad but lovable? No, his name's Mulligan. He's a fine teacher. So is evil and good like a fluid concept here? Evil just means you've been discredited by the heroic oversight guild. Yeah, it means you used to be a professional hero or villain, and then you broke enough rules of the Heroic Oversight Guild that you were branded as evil, and therefore,

are no longer allowed to act professionally as a hero or villain. But you are still able to teach, so a lot of evil people find themselves teaching at various schools. So we make our way down to the second floor. Now here we have a lot of, like the admin, you know, here's the admin office, the teachers lounge. Over here is the guidance counselor office. And placement, of course.

Couldn't do it without placement. And what you know about placement, what Buckminster is talking about, is in the later parts of the semester and the later part of the year, older, higher-level students will be sent out on real-world assignments to practice their skills, and placed with them will be sidekicks and hench people to kind of act as resources for them while they are out in the field.

So there will come parts of the year where you will be sent out with some of these older-year students to assist them. It is possible to request a specific assignment, isn't it, to be assigned as a sidekick to perhaps a specific person? You can. There's not as much weight put on that as when a hero or villain specifically requests you. For example, at this point, Leon is always with me. Leon is my sidekick. and you can request, but at that point, it's really up to the hero or villain, whether you're of course. At that point, but yes, it is possible.

There is a system put in place for it. And now we are returned back to the first floor. Here, of course, we have the dining hall, we have the entry hall, and we have the research library. So that is at your disposal, 24 hours a day, but don't be a nerd about it, you know, be cool. and now let us head down to the basement. This is my favorite part of the tour. Here in the first level of the basement, we have two of the Pride and Joy rooms

here of Higgum and Staff School for Heroism and Villeney. Over here we have the Test Tavern, and you know about this from all of the pamphlets and promotional materials. The Test Tavern is a life-size, one-for-one replica of a tavern where students, one, hang out. It is a practical tavern. But two, it is where the class of, well,

what is basically drinking has come to be taught. It's called officially social graces, but everyone knows what it is. And you go in there and it practices your charisma checks and your chances to learn information from patrons and incorporate yourself into a new town and that kind of thing through tavern work. Are there like, is it staffed with local community theater actors?

or are they holograms or... Yeah. Well, you can get a job... I need to know this, too. By which... I need to know everything about this. Yeah. Student employees.

You can earn money by working here in the tavern. Dives. Jesus. Well, it might be tough. The bartender's known for their chatty nature. We'll see how you do. If you can win him over, man. Yes.

And over here, on the other side of this floor is the test. dungeon, which of course is a recreation of a dungeon. Oh, here they are. Staffed by the skeleton crew. Yeah, you know we don't like being called the skeleton crew. My name is Scully. This here is Bonesy and over there is rattles. I can see that you're trying to get as far away from the whole skeleton thing as possible.

Well, that was just a joke. Those on our real names. Wouldn't that be ironic because, I mean, we were at once living creatures. Those would be weird names. My name is Jermaine. This is Victoria, and this is Rattles. That one is real. That's unfortunate.

That is just a coincidence right there. It's a pleasure to meet you. You must be new students. We are your practice skeletons. So we can just sort of wail on you and you're cool? You'll be okay with that? Yeah. Do you want to try it out?

Oh, my God. Are you sure? Yeah. Roll for initiative. Oh, oh my god That's a 17 4 Okay

And 15 Okay, great Plus Hold on What's my Plus 1 16

Okay So Sir Fitzroy You go first I say Are you a hunt Are you really sure Oh yeah absolutely Yeah you can totally attack us

Are you gonna hit us back? Yeah. So we're like, you know, we're going to fight, right? I thought we were just on a tour. You'll see. And as much as a Skellas and can, he winks. It's more of just like he nods his head in a weird way and kind of flex it, but he doesn't have anything to flex.

And maybe he just says, wink. Yeah, that works. Okay. Okay. I was going to do shocking grasp. It's a spell. Yeah, but your bones. So I don't know, like, I don't know if you will.

conduct it even. What do you think? I mean, yeah, it'll still hurt me. Go for it. Okay, I'll try. And I put my hand on, where do you want me to touch? Can I touch your skull? Yeah, sounds great. Okay. I touch his skull at a gas shotgun grasp. That's a fucking crit. That's a Nat 20, baby. I'm going to blow this skeleton the fuck up. What's up, skeleton? Nice. He says as he kind of scatters in about a five foot radius. And, but then the, the bones kind of bounce back together. Ah, that was so good. You had me so good. I've never done it that good before. Oh my God. These guys are going to think of some sort of arch wizard. I'm really bad at this. That was really amazing. Now it's my turn. That is a Nat 20.

Whoa. Okay. So you're going to hypothetically take, uh, let's see here. Uh, yeah, five, five points of damage. Okay. How much like that? do you have? I have 14. Okay. I haven't said my class yet. It's complicated. I'm a barbarian.

I'm a magic barbarian. There you go. So I'm a little bit beefier than the average cloth wearer. So you take five points of damage. You feel it. It hurts like shit. And then you heal and you're back up to 14. Oh, good.

Hey, that hurt and then it didn't. Yeah. So that's kind of how it works here, right? So you'll be sore, like for sure, but nobody dies. in the training room. That would be kind of a shitty training room, wouldn't it? Yeah. That's rattles.

We don't talk about it. So do you want to keep fighting or... I'd like to see what my associates are capable of. Yeah, do you all want to take a swing? Go for it. I think, uh, Fear Bogue. You're up, my dude. I will not attack the skeleton.

Oh, come on. Because it's fun, it's practice. It's, you know, show us what you can do. I did it. It's not fair if you don't. Well, it must be fair. And he pulls out a staff from behind his back and casts Shaleli and attacks the skeleton across the skull. It's an 18.

That hits. Plus five, 23. It hits real good. So that's, uh, one. D.A. What do you guys think an eight looks like? If you were to say, give me a D8, what would you say that looks like? It looks like two pyramids.

Six plus three, nine. Oh, yeah. See, that was so good. Don't you feel good? Um, I suppose it was, uh, thrilling. Yeah. You should lay a lead the hell out of me. I guess I did

Yeah that's that smile I like to see All right you're up Argo I don't know why I know your name But I do Incredible skeleton I got a high I'm high I'm Argo Argo Argo

Was gonna attack with his rapier But doesn't think it'll do much damage Against a skeleton But that makes I'm magic as hell my dude All right So he pulls his rapier out He calls her Hertha and does a sneak attack.

Okay. Don't you need to sneak? No one has ever seen it coming more than the skeleton that is begging for you to attack it. Yeah. But a foe is distracted. He was distracted with the attack on him. Oh, my God. So while I'm attacked, you just come up behind.

Hey, that's how rogues roll, baby. I love it. No, it's perfect. Okay. Roll attack. Roll attack That I don't know what it is

Oh it's a 20 It's a it's got a little dragon symbol But there's no other 20 On this die Well So it's a it's a crit 20 We have rolled three critical 20s Out of four

Okay Well that hits And you just get them real good And he's like oh no That one actually hurt That one actually hurt really bad Oh sorry No I'm just kidding

Oh it's just a a joke. No, it doesn't hurt. I'm magic as hell, my dude. All right, you guys, it's been really fun hanging out. We're going to go, I don't know, probably take a nap or something in the dirt. You all enjoy the rest of your tour.

Wait, do you need someone to free you from this eternal torment? No, this is great. I get paid. Get to hang out. Man, I used to work in another dungeon, and when I got attacked, it hurt like hell. Right. You know, but here I'm respected.

I'm able to work on my novel. Uh, it's great. I just didn't know if you needed us to go find like a cursed blade that could end this, this curse and then you could, well, I'm just... You want to kill me? We just met. No, but if you want me to. I do not. Okay.

So you're a happy skeleton. Yeah. Oh. Can't you tell from the smile? Just a skeleton joke. So how much EXP did we get for that? Yeah, did we level up? Zero.

Not a very good training room. No, it's not. I mean, you learned life lessons, I guess. Fuck life lessons. What's his experience? Yeah, it's not going to get me any new spells or attacks or skills. What is experience other than life lessons? I need to know the distinction here.

You know what, Justin, you make an excellent point. You're all level 18 now. All right. Excellent. So are we going to continue the tour or you want to see the next floor? You know what? I'm just going to go. and you all follow me, okay?

So now, in the second level of the basement, this is another fun room. Here, on one side, we have the blacksmithing and armory room, and over here we have the artificing and magical armory room. They are both really hot. So there is that. Keep an eye out for that. They're very warm.

But they do keep the rest of the tower nice and toasty all year out. Even in the summer? Well, yeah. But that's why we don't do school in the summer, you see. There's no other reason. So, back up the tower and out, and we shall journey into the annex. Now, as you go into the annex, it is far less in all the ways. the stairs are wooden instead of stone, very rickety.

The building, it's one of those where if you didn't know better, you'd think it had been built overnight and was going to last a week. But what you do know is it has been around almost as long as the tower. The annex is almost 250 years old and still standing. And we'll probably stand another 250 years. Does it, can I, sorry, can I ask two quick questions? I feel like that's what we got to do in this kind of like. Gary, help!

is what's like what's the student body here like I'm trying to get a sense of scale for for this for this school in annex like how many people would you estimate are like actually attending I would say probably 50 heroes and villains and probably about a hundred hinch people okay so this is this is not I know we keep using Hogwarts as a point of reference and I know that is probably uh insulting or uh I don't know the word I'm legally dicey legally dicey but but it sounds like it is a much smaller sort of institution. Oh, definitely. This is, it's a very prestigious school. It is hard to get into. Now, as Fitzroy has pointed out many times, it is not as specialized as Clyde Knight's night night school. So it is, you know, they're devoting resources to many different things.

This is a much more like, we're going to teach you exactly. This is kind of a Rambo school of like, we're going to teach you how to do it. and, you know, and that's it. We're not going to teach you other things, where Clyde Knight's Night Night School is a lot more about specifically being like a knight hero. Right.

We enter the first floor, and here you see classes labeled things like support arts and watchkeeping and blame-taking and cooking. And he says, yes, so that's the first floor. Uh, any questions here? No. Okay, pretty self-explanatory, these labels. It's just, so the heroes aren't going to have to learn to cook or...

Nope. Take blame? They don't take blame. Okay. Well, no, that would defeat the purpose of henchby bull and sidegicks. I'm not, I go. Trust me, I'm embracing it. I'm dying to be a sidekick.

Excellent, excellent. Now here, we reach the second level of the annex, uh, and all of the, These rooms are empty. They keep promising that they're going to expand the hench person and sidekick program, but these rooms have been empty for about 250 years, so don't hold your breath. And now the third floor, this is Higlemus's office. But, you know, fat chance ever seeing that dude, he never comes out of his office. Do you want to knock?

Huh? Uh, I, I, I, yeah. Okay. I'm still getting used to talking in first person or not. Um, yeah, I want to knock. Maybe he can help me out with the hours thing. Oh, yes, go for it. I knock on the door.

Okay. The door opens. Oh, shit. What do you want? Hi, oh, hello, I apologize. I was told you wouldn't actually be in. Oh, you're the failed one, right? That is the worst.

Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. Yes. You're the one whose magic came and ruined everything for you. Yep, I love talking about it so casually. And you? You're the fear bog. Yes. Oh, I want to talk to you.

This is not mutual. Okay. Come into my office. There's a third one of us, too. Yeah, that's fine. No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll just hang back here.

You look very roguish. You, I don't know about. I think it's the mustache. Yes, that hits a lot of people wrong. It does seem like you've cultivated that look specifically. Well, it gets kind of a lot of biker bars. But, you know, I can see how it would be off-putting so that you don't include me. But you, the failed one and the Fierborg, come in.

I need your help, Fierborg. Yes. Maybe it could be like, And you walk into the room and the door slammed shut behind you. Did we leave the people who are giving us a tour? Yes, Buckminster says, I guess we'll wait. Give them 10 minutes and then rescue? I suppose.

I don't know. I don't know what to do in this. This has never happened before on a tour. I need your help here, Polg. I need you. Is there anything wrong with my dog? Please check my dog. I'm going to use animal handling.

Okay. I'm going to burn a spell slot checking out a dog. That is a 16 plus 319. Okay, great. You check him over. You don't see anything unusual or wrong with him. No, he seems strong. There's nothing wrong or off about him at all? No.

Excellent. Excellent. That was exactly what I was hoping you'd say. Okay, you can leave now. Is this a test? Was that a test? No, I'm just wanting to make sure that my dog is healthy. This is, I love him very much. Why? Why did you ask this? Well, you know, he's getting up there in years and it's very rare that anybody makes their way up here who gets any kind of insight into, you know, animal health. And I just wanted to make sure that my dog was healthy. I don't have to answer to you. I'm in charge of this annex. You're in charge of the Xanax? You're not in there, sir.

It's not my strong suit, but I'm going to do insight check to see if I can pick up anything about his motivations. Okay. That's a five plus three eight. Nope. Seems okay. Seems like he just wanted you to check out his dog. His cool dog. What kind of dog is it?

It's like a collie. Before we do depart, I was wondering about my hours from night school and how they would be. sort of adapted here for this school? Oh, yes, of course. Of course. It's my top priority. The way you're saying that makes me think it's maybe not your top priority. Oh, no, I will drop everything to make sure that you're ours, right, from a different school that you failed out of, I will, I will not rest.

This seems like good news. Actually, Bud, I'm fairly sure he is clowning on me. We feel settled on, Bud. For now, yes, sorry, it's my top priority to think of a better name. See, we can all do it. This is a great relief. Okay. Oh, you're still here.

Hero show them to the door, and the dog walks over and opens the door with its mouth. It's like a handle. You know, it's not that impressive. I mean, it's so pretty impressive. But it's just a well-trained dog. It's a well-trained dog. I cast presidigitation as we leave because one of the things is you can create an odd odor.

And I want to just write in his fucking face. Just make an odd... And he just cackles. He thinks it's funny as shit. Okay, good. And you make it back out in the hallway. And Buck says, well, that concludes the tour. I say we all go, settle in, and skip bedtime and our late-night cookies and milk to make it out to the edge of the unknown forest for the rite of passage.

Are they going to try and kill us? No. We won't let anybody kill you. Wound? No. It's a school right of power. Why would they... No. It didn't really sound like it was part of the official...

curriculum. It's sounded like a shadow curriculum. Yes. It's, it's, it's, it's just for funsies, but, uh, we'll be there. We'll keep you safe. Do not worry. You've all snuck out of your dorms. Made your way across the grounds out the Rodney and Gate, which creaked, but not enough that you're worried about anybody noticing. And you've made your way to the edge of the unknown forest. And they're, uh, waiting a good distance away from the fourth. about 20 feet away are Ramier and Leon and Buckminster and Zena and Rhodes and Ralandus. Now, the forest itself is vast.

As far as the eye can see, it stretches from the edge of the godscar chasm to the horizon. It takes up a large part of this continent. And here at the edge of it, somehow the inside of the forest is darker, than the night you are standing and it is difficult to perceive anything beyond the tree line. Ah, you showed.

I had my doubts. How very exciting. Your task, my friends, is simple. Do you see that large tree? And he points to a tree that is the farthest tree on the outskirts. It's the closest to you

on the outskirts of the unknown forest. And you can see upon it hundreds and hundreds of names carved into it. All you have to do is carve your name on that tree without losing your nerve. This seems really easy. Anything else we need to know about the little stunt? Do you mean aside from the fact that the unknown forest is widely considered the most dangerous place on the planet? A fear bulk friend, are you going to be okay carving the flag?

of a tree. Why would I not be? I don't, I just, I'm trying to be thoughtful. I thought that it's a plant and I don't know if you could kill, I thought you could kill a plant if you carve it. Plants. Yes. Yes. But plants do not feel.

Okay. They are plants. I'm still figuring, I'm learning the ropes. Does a plant cry out? I wasn't. It is plant. Yeah, I wasn't expecting you. to be so blasé about it, I guess.

I will not do this thing, but if you must carve, then carve. I have a suggestion, Rainier says, and she pops open one of the compartments in her chair and hands you a piece of black charcoal and says, you can ride on the tree. You don't have to carve if you don't want to. Yes, this I will do. It's time to make your way. there, if you dare. I walk leisurely

toward the tree. Argo sprints toward at full speed, unleashing his rapier as he does so. I cast jump on myself, which triples my jump distance. Jesus.

And I leap towards the tree. Okay, so you all begin carving your names into the tree. And I would like each one of you to make a wisdom saving throw for it. Wait, it wasn't hard to get there? Why didn't I walk then? You did a cool, you did a neat jump.

Well, you know what? It was worth it. I don't regret it. It was neat. Very impressed. Good. And now I need each of you to make a wisdom saving throw. Big seven.

That's a one. 13 plus 3. 16. Okay. So you, Argo, and you, Fitzroy, here in your heads, You should not be here. And without controlling yourselves, you fall back from the tree.

You cannot help but scramble backwards. But you, Fearbul, you hear the same voice, but it seems hollow. It seems more like someone pretending to do the voice. Hmm. You should not be here. Who is saying this? Uh. I'm going to roll a perception check to see where is the voice coming from?

Okay. 17 plus... Yeah. Three. Um, so the voice is inside your head, but with a perception... Five, sorry, five. With a perception roll that good. Deep, deep, deep in the woods, you can see glowing red eyes looking now directly at you.

Uh, I don't... I don't know that I have a name. I'm gonna walk towards that, the eyes. No, don't. It's very dangerous in here. I don't want you to get hurt. Please go back. Yes.

I will do this. I just don't want people to get hurt anymore. Take your friends. Run, run now. What is the danger? It's everywhere. I have a pretty good sense. I mean, I feel like that I'm probably going to head out.

And I want to convince him to come with me. Did we, what's up with me and Argo? Were we, like, knocked out by that? No, you were just driven back, like, you could not stop yourself from running. Okay. Gosh. I mean, I sort of expected that this was a big prank to begin with. So I'm, like, totally fine to leave.

There's not a pride thing. Orgo, listen. There is a person in the forest. He is not a danger. But he does want us to leave. I think we should go. Well, I trust your judgment 100%. Let's get the hell out of here.

You come back. And everyone's laughing. And Buckminster said, what was it? Was it like a roar in the woods or like a flight of birds? What was it? What spooked you? There was a person in the forest with red eyes who was very afraid but did not mean the city danger who said that we should return here. What?

There was a person. No, yes, no, yes, we heard. No one sees something in the unknown forest. It's unknown. And Roland is perhaps the fearbog's fear played tricks with his eyes. No, I should mention I was extremely scared. I almost did did it on the floor like they tell you not to do. Yeah, we don't really do that.

It was involuntary. Even the forest floor? I mean, that doesn't seem like that would be that bad. Anyway, I was super scared. I didn't see anything. So it wasn't fear that. That... What are you kids doing out here after dark?

You're not supposed to be here at the unknown forest? Now, it's time for you all to get on back. Oh, don't make me tell all the professors about this. Oh, you get in trouble. You do. Get on back. It's truly the truant officer. No, it's me again, Groundsy, the Groundskeeper.

I can see where here in the dark I might look like a big bear. But I'm not. I'm Grownsy. and you all need to get to bed It's getting late And tomorrow classes start Get Yes sorry Groundsy

We were going through the most low stakes hazing Ever And I am happy now to return To my very tall bed Okay Good night, sleep tight Do you need a warm glass of milk Or tuck you in

This is an incredible level of service Not just anyone can only Sir Fancy lad He's, I like him He's nice Yeah, that sounds great. Okay. I was just kidding.

You're not going to get any of those things. You fell for another one of groundsies goofs. This has been sort of roundly the most disappointing day of my entire life. Okay. Thanks for capping it off like that. Good night. So, the first day of school has ended. The moon rises high and we see many things that we may not see in the daylight.

A groundskeeper returns home and stares secretly around before carefully unlocking his door. A younger brother furiously scribbles notes in the margins of old tomes while muttering under his breath. An older brother stares into a fire, his eyes expressionless and cold. A battle-scarred couple share a night quieting each other's nightmares. Some students have been asleep for hours, while some find it impossible. Their bodies practically vibrate with the excitement and anxiety about what is to come. Somewhere, far away, but nearer than we would like, something else is also awaiting what is to come. but it thinks not of midterms and first loves.

It dwells on blood and chaos. As our trio settles into their beds, somewhere in the abyss, a monster smiles. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo.

And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. And so I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous.

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