The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 13 "Apple for Teacher"

Episode Date: April 30, 2020

The Thundermen have headed out for another real world assignment. They also have an assignment from Higglemas that they are working on. Before they reach the centaur camp, they need to level up and deal with some new friends. Plus, a shopping trip! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, everyone, it's me, Gary. Let's see, what's been happening on the Adventure Zone graduation. Well, the Fairbog had been forgetting a bunch of stuff, and he couldn't remember why, because that's how forgetting works. So, the Thunderman went and confronted Higglemus Wiganstaff, and it turns out Higgumus and the Fear Bowl had been working together to obtain items to cure Higlmus's brother, Hieronymus, who had been turned into a dog and had been replaced by a mysterious fake Hieronymus. Ooh. Well, this was the night before a real-world assignment, so the boys are about to head out to go help some centaars with an apple. But they're worried that Althea Song, the heroic oversight guild investigator, might have been able to hear their entire conversation using the listening bug she gave to the fearbook. So, let's see how this all plays out, shall we? Despite the shocking revelations of the night before, he woke the morning.

of your assignment feeling well-rusted and refreshed. Your muscles and mind feel like they are stronger than ever and ready to face any challenge. You've leveled up. Oh, okay. I was about to say. Oh, okay. Yeah. Now you feel great.

You know, you've been lifting and doing math. And you're like, wow, I think I could lift and do more math today. It was leg day in my dreams. And so now you're ready to level up. You're all level five now. Super. You're becoming beefy boys. Glad to be here.

Boy, my mind is so keen now. It's become slightly keener because I level up and stud. I actually took a sorcerer level. Okay. So now I'm Barbarian 3, Sorcerer 2. Sorser kind of pops off at 3, but 2 is where you start to get some of the flavor that makes it different from a wizard, which is I have gotten sorcery points, which is another resource that I have. I can use to, at later levels, kind of add some flavor to my spells.

Like? Whether it's like, like, there's like a twin spell option where I can aim it at two different people or there's a caution ability where I can like weave it around like friendly party members. So basically a sorcerer is like a more skilled caster than a wizard, right? Yeah, it's a, it's called meta-magic, these abilities. So there's, I mean, not. skilled in that like my spellbook is way more limited than than a wizards but I can do sort of different

stuff to it right now though I don't have a right right now though right now I just have what is called font of magic which lets me basically convert my spell slots into sorcery points and vice versa so that's going to come in handy you know once I am able to spend it on more stuff but right now basically I just got more spells and because of this like a lot more spell slots what about you bargo Um, kind of nothing as big and sweeping as that. Um, got plus three to proficiency bonus. Oh, wow. Um, my acrobatics has gone up to plus 10 and my stealth has gone up to plus 10.

No way. It can't go any higher than that, right? Surely that must be the highest. I don't know. We'll see. Um, you have just become like a flipping shadow. And, and sneak attack now is. 3 D6 damage, not just 2 D6 damage.

Ooh. Look at you. But the thing I'm really excited about is at level 5, the rogue gets an ability called uncanny dodge, which means once per turn, when an attacker you can see hits you with an attack, you use your reaction and the attack damage is cut in half. Oh, that's pretty good too. Excellent. Well, since I have, since I'm a weaning in hit points, that'll come in very handy. Ah, but so finesseful, a word I've made up. So, I'm finitious.

There you go. Uh, what about you, Fearbug? Fucking nothing, dude. So whack. I don't get anything. You don't get anything. I can, like, learn a couple of new spells, but other than that, Jack, shit. Are they fun new spells, Justin?

No, I got boring ones to make your show worse. What? What? Like prolonged fart. No. Like super listening. Not hearing. Super listening.

That makes you a good conversationalist, right? I got hyperactive listening. Like, the person knows I'm like super dialed in. Oh. You can hear too much. I got receipt finding. It's a, I summon an orb that helps me find a receipt that I lost. I think we should level up twice.

So Justin gets fun stuff. I don't need your charity. Well, maybe we'll just make Justin six. Yeah, and all of us. What if just Justin is sick? I spend a lot of time leveling up to five. I don't need the pressure on the fly deciding if I'm going to be, I don't know if I'm fucking church of the moon goddess or whatever dumb stuff druids do.

Every scene, me and Fear Bowl are going to do 50 pushups to try and really juice it up to level six as fast as possible. Argo, you can get on this if you want. You seem to have really prospered in the last level up. And, you know, you're already cut, you know? Yeah, I mean, look at this. Look, I'm flexing right now. I'm looking.

I see it in my mind. And it looks good. Yeah. After receiving the details of your assignment, but before heading out, you had a chance to collect your items from the Bursar, the cloak, pocket, Gary, the glue, et cetera. And you stopped by Barnes and Nobles to do some quick shopping. Once again, you have been extended a line of credit for 200 gold pieces.

and I've sent you a new shopping list of things to choose from. So did anything stand out? Anything you guys had your eye on? I can start. Please. Yeah. Maybe we should take turns, actually, but picking up items so nobody like yoinks all the things that the other people want to get. Yes, that's a good point.

I will, since I'm the oldest, sorry, Dad, I will take the navigational yarn. Okay. It's a very good item that I think personally is probably underpriced in the dark things I'm going to use it for, and you're deeply going to regret selling it to me for the 50 gold pieces that you've agreed to. That old chestnut. So the navigational yarn was crafted on a loom of fate by Fiona Carvains, and it's a magical ball of golden yarn that helps the user find their way. The user simply holds onto the end of the string, tells the yarn where they're going, and drops the ball while holding a ball, while holding a little. into the string. The ball of yarn will speedily roll in the intended direction, leaving a trail for the user to follow. Once said location is reached, the yarn will coil itself back into a ball. The yarn can

be used once per day. The yarn cannot be cut, but it can be tangled. If tangled, it cannot be used until it gets untangled. If the user is trying to reach a location that is hidden, hidden magically, has no entrance, doesn't exist, or is in another dimension, the yarn will zigzag around the area until it is tangled. I will also say that this before you buy it. I am going to limit its use to like concrete locations.

Like you could say take me to that cave, but you could not say like take me to wherever the treasure is hidden. Got it. It has to be a geographical location that one could put a thumbtack in on a map. Correct. Fair. Okay. But not necessarily a place you've been to before, right? Correct.

Justin snatched up the tool I want to which was the navigational yarn I was top of my list but that's fine because I'm going to continue my dream Wait hold on Sorry Like Gilly?

Like Gilly from I love that Sorry Topical I'm going to continue my dream of becoming a sort of in-game Pokemon master by by snatching up the trapper keepers Which is small enough to fit in a satchel

this box can contain a creature up to size small. Now, I'm surprised, because I'm sure you were going to go with the early bird 5,000, created by Jordan Noelle. All you have to do is put on this thick leather gauntlet, and a spectral blackbird will be summoned to you, bringing one item to your aid. The item's usefulness is determined by a skill check of the DM's choosing. One use per day. On a one, the bird becomes disgusted and will not return. I'll make you a deal. I will actually buy that if the bird can be Leon.

Huh. Okay, yeah. I don't know what that. We may have to narratively figure out why Leon would answer to my back and call to this magic glove. Maybe it'll take some tweaking of the copy here. But the idea of Leon being becoming my avian squire is very exciting to me from a gameplay and a story perspective. So how about this? We'll make the copy that instead of a spectral blackbird, it's like you can pair it with a bird. of your choosing and you've paired it so that you can signal Leon because I think that that is

a cool mechanic. The first time I use it though, I check with Leon like, are you good, are you good with this? I don't want to insult you, but do you like crackers? I don't know if you liked them in life. Okay. That's yes. That's a bird for yes. Okay.

Well, then I'm cashed. You want to hear bird for no? Yeah. This is taking too long. We're at the store. I'm summoning the listener's voice now. This is taking too long. You're still at the store.

Fair enough. Clint, your turn. And keeping with the tradition of paying it forward to steal whatever the thing is that the next guy wanted, because I really wanted that bird. I'm going to actually make a logical choice. Ooh. And wait, hold on. Let me brace myself.

I know. I want to get the Slapsidian. Oh, I thought you'd like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an obsidian blade with a beautiful onyx gem and its hill woven together by a powerful enchantress. When the wielder hits their wrists with that flat of the blade, it will wrap itself around resembling an ornate bracelet. The weapon counts as a dagger for proficiency and offers an additional plus one to hit and deals damage. 2D4 plus dexterity modifier.

And that was, of course, forged by the arcane blacksmith, Jake Zalasco. Yeah, Jake's the last go. And since I figure we'll do this like a snake draft. Oh, yeah, we'll do it. Yeah, yeah, a snake. Okay, then I also want to get the monocle of misdirection. Dan Kerrigan sent that in the last one. Once per day, you may use this item to gain advantage on deception and insight checks requires a tuning.

So that's- You can't make us start caring about a tuning now, Dan. Good try, Dan. Nice try, Dan, trying to make us care. care about only having a certain number of magic items that we can use it one time. This is the adventure zone. We are on two gods. So that brings me up to 175, so I will donate my other 25 to the community pool if you guys need another 25. Okay. So Griffin, you're up?

I mean, that was all my money. If I can use that 25, I don't know, man, we need more glue. Well, you could get a piece of E&M's artisanal cheese. No, I'm lactose intolerant. Oh, a piece of artisanal cheese made by the reformed imp, Ian. It tastes delicious because he is a natural in the art of cheese. It is lightly touched with demonic energy. Consuming the cheese gives us to use your 1D8 plus the temporary hit points, as well as a warm feeling in their heart.

And that is, of course, delivered by the supplier, Kyle McElraith Black. Thanks, Kyle, but I don't want that. I'll be taking an ink eraser, which erases ink from scrolls, paper, etc. by storing it in the eraser, and it can reveal hidden messages with a perception check in walls or stones or wherever by using the eraser on the area of choice,

releasing the ink it has stored in the eraser. That's from Felix. Thanks, Felix. Now, it's up to you, Justin. Yeah, I want the pocket watch of second chances. Okay. That's from Jen Holub. It's a pocket watch once per long rest.

It can be rewound to provide any creature with one use of indomitable. which is a trait that lets you re-roll saving throw. Perfect. Any money left, anybody? Hold on, I believe, yes. I want to use that last 50 I have on... Oh, man, I had it.

The jar of bees? The jar of bees. Yes, a jar of bees created by Ivan Albert. A clear glass jar labeled bees. When opened or broken, it will release a swarm of insects, bees, which attack the nearest creature. It's a jar of bees. I love that.

Extremely good. Okay. Now make sure that you have taken detailed notes on all of your new items so that we definitely don't forget them. Cool, cool, cool. Great. Cale, the professor in charge of placement and real world assignments, gave you this briefing before you left. In the dead center of the great southern meadow grows an apple tree. Its trunk is gnarled and gray, but its leaves are a most perfect green. Too perfect, in fact. Every single leaf is exactly the same size, shape, and color.

The effect is at once beautiful and unsettling. Once a year, this tree yields only two fruits, two perfect apples that are exactly half ruby red and half gold. The tree is surrounded by a magical barrier created by two herds of centaurs to make sure the fruit remains untouched. At the appointed time of harvest, the two herds make their way from their respected homes. When both parties are present,

they use their combined magics to lower the barrier and collect the fruit. The centaurs of the valley believe that by splitting the apple perfectly along the red and gold divide, they can read the future in the shape and placement of the seeds. The centaurs of the woods believe that by burning the apple in a ceremonial fire, they will please the spirit of the scarlet woods and have bountiful hunts and protection for another year. When the two herds meet, it is tense, but without conflict. It has been this way for as long as anyone can remember.

This year, however, for the first time in recorded history, the tree has produced only one apple. The centaurs of the valley feel that they are the ones who need the apple most. Without it, they believe that they cannot prepare for the changing of the seasons, and their survival is uncertain. The centaurs of the woods believe the apple should be theirs, lest the spirit become enraged and drive them from their home. This assignment is meant to teach you that being a villain or hero is not always black and white. One person's champion is another's malefactor. Fitzroy and party, you will be on the side of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Rhodes, the Ranger, along with Mimi the Gnome, and another psychic you have not met named Moon, are on the side of the centaurs of the

Valley. However you choose to handle the situation is up to you, whether it ends in peace or bloodshed. Your goal is to make sure your side feels satisfied with the outcome. Fat chance of that in this particular scenario, because we're going to get that apple and turn it into whatever kind of magic applesauce our boy Higelmis needs. Now, you are on your way to meet Malwin the Strong, the leader of the centaurs of the Scarlet Woods. For the majority of the trip, you wrote Horacell. horses wrenched for you by the school. However, you were told to be sure to dismount last town before the great southern meadow and to leave the horses there lest you offend the centaurs.

You are now walking. Which half? The horse half, dad. They're the same. They're not, it's not cat dog, dad. Listen, before we get there, I need you and understand that centaurs are not cat dog. There's not a human half and a horse half with two different brains. They are of one mind, father. You get that, right? I've seen the Geico commercials with the guy who's half motorcycle. So, yeah, I get the concept. Oh, yeah, I get that too. And I like the pig one where he cries wee, we, we all the way home.

We had a baby eats a boy. Now, where was I? You are now walking the remaining two miles. It appears you have some time on your hands. So now might be the perfect time for a little scheming and discussion. But we can't scheme. We can't scheme in front of the fur bowl. Yes, I'm going to insist that if you guys want to scheme, I thought this would be fun.

If you guys want to scheme, you have to do it out of earshot, and I will literally take my headphones off. Oh, yeah, that is fun. Or you could just, like, give the fearbook, like, some earplugs and take the headphones off. Like, he could stay with you. Leave him at sight. I mean, I don't have to go that far, but sure, Trave, whatever fantasy bullshit you want to say. Okay, Justin, how about I will text you whenever they need you back, okay? Before you go, Justin, what are you physically doing?

Like, what is Fear Bowl doing to not hear this? He's just putting his fingers in his ears and singing an old Fearbug song. I have a body. I have a dice set. We can probably jam some dice in there. Does that sound good? Yeah, I mean, we don't really have to. game this out too much.

It's easy to fictually not hear stuff. Well, I was looking at my inventory for stuff that we could use as earplugs. And just, I'm sorry, all I got is the dice set. So, are you okay with dice in there? Oh, it just puts some dice in there. Fine. Okay.

Yeah, oh, yeah, it's it perfect. You got cube-shaped sort of ear-cone situation in there. So it's a great fit. Are you guys going to scheme? Yeah, let's start scheme. Yeah, we're going to scheme. I'm taking my head off. I can't hear you, but I'll,

all the interject stuff from time to time. You know you can never use those dice again, right? Yeah, are we in character? Because that's not what you sound like. Well, I know, but I... All right, so is there any way possible for us to pull this off and make everybody happy? I mean, help the guys, the woods guys,

get the apple, but still take the apple without them knowing. There's really no way, is there? Well, from what I understand they want to sacrifice it to appease some sort of spirit. So we have lots of options available to us, some more villainous than others. Like, you know, I could pull a pretty cool trick on them, making them think they have the apple, but really it's, you know, a pine cone that I've done a magic trick on. But as soon as I get out a sort of like, you know, earshot of them, it is going to turn back into a pine cone. And then they will be very cross, I imagine.

Could we convince, the Hurrah, Wigginstaff says, that them not getting the apple was not really going to hurt them, right? He said there was, I mean, it's all theological in nature, right? I would deign to sort of shit all over their sort of belief system, if that's what you're getting at, Argo. Well, no, I'm just saying they won't really suffer any harm if we take the apple, right? I mean, I mean, I guess so. I guess so. It depends what you mean by harm.

It's not a great thing to take the apple from them, but it sounds like it's for the greater good. So we're, we get in that apple. Could we steal it and then substitute something for it and maybe convince them that whatever we give them is better than the apple? I mean, you're on my sort of pine cone wavelength right now, which I appreciate. So, yeah, it's going to, it's going to, I imagine it's going to be something like that. Or maybe we kill the spirit of the forest. I doubt they're going to enjoy that from a just sort of furtely perspective. Furby is not going to let us do that.

anyway. Well, he doesn't need to know. Well, if he's, I mean, him know what about it ahead of the fact, but if we kill the spirit of the forest and he's there, he'll know, right? He'll, he will know. Okay. I don't think we possess enough information to come up with a perfect scheme right now. So let's sidebar this. You keep an eye out for sort of apple-shaped pine cones, though, while in the meantime. Okay. Sounds good. You hear a Russell behind you from some brush at the edge of the path and a polite throat clearing and a sater steps into the clearing with one hand raised in a diffident wave

uh excuse me excuse me gentlemen what oh sorry can you wait like two seconds oh yes of course of course I gotta get some dice out of this guy's ears

and it may take a bit what are you talking up Furby hold on no it's okay everything is okay it's okay let him help you with plug up your nose for me and try to breathe out. We need some pressure.

This is improved. I do not think these dice will be usable again. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and use a handkerchief. And I'm just going to set these on the ground and I'll get a new dice set. This is wise. So yes. So, yes, what was your thing? Oh, yes, sorry to trouble.

It's just I, oh, am just a lowly, hungry satyr who has fallen on the hard times. Might you be able to spare any food or coin? You seem like such fancy gentlemen. I thank you. Could you spare a coin for a hungry sater? Can I spare an insight check to see Blaze deal is? Uh, that is a nine plus jack shit. Uh, you, you, you, you are unsure of his motivations. He seems sincere to you.

Okay. Uh, yeah, I mean, I got some combos or something for the road, some road snacks. What do you like? What's your, what's your preference? Oh, just some food and perhaps a coin for a shelter over my head just for one night. I have berries. He's got berries. And maybe you could find a nice tree, hang out under a tree. We're very big into trees. Oh, but the warm bed would do my old Seta bones well.

Do we have money? As far as I know, I had 200 gold pieces in the world, and I spent them on bees and yarn. I had 25 left. Yeah. Didn't I? Oh, that's right. You did. Yeah.

Yeah, so I got some rations for you. I throw them some rations from my pack. Make sure you mark down how many rations you have now so we can be sure to keep trying to that. I think that was my only rations. This is lovely. Thank you. And while you're at it, I'll also take your cloak and any jewelry you have or, you know, just anything of value, please. Oh, my goodness.

Are we being robbed? Oh, this is not fun. He draws a short sword from behind his back and levels it at the three of you. I mean, we've all got weapons. So what do you do? I mean, we... I don't want to get robbed, right? I don't understand what is happening.

Oh. He needs... He needs what we have. We should give free lady. Huh? Do you... Sorry, hey... Yes?

Um, do you need this stuff? Or is this like, uh, you want this stuff? Oh, oh, that's so hard. It's so hard to determine the difference. Let's put it this way. I'm going to take this stuff. Right, but are you actually poor and in need, or is this like you just sort of want the money? So you're taking it with a sword.

You know, like a loaf of bread for your family, that kind of thing. That's great. Yeah, are you like a Jean Valjean type or are you just sort of a dastard? Okay, well, this has gone on long enough, and he whistles. need all three of you to make a dexterity saving throw, please. But my children played with my dice. Oh, no. No, it's okay.

Is this an effect? Is this an effect I can see, Travis? No. Oh, okay, well, then it's a 12th. Okay. 18 plus 7. That's 25. Christ alive.

Sorry, what was the check? Dexterity saving throw. Yes. that will be a 14 plus to 16. Okay, great. So after he whistles, what you had taken to be a tree in the shadowy darkness moves and a large boulder comes smashing down.

Luckily, all three of you are able to dive out of the way, but you fit, you are now prone. Okay. But the other two of you were able to dodge out of the way as an ogre, trumps loudly into the clearing, and I need all three of you to make to roll for initiative. I credited on my initiative.

Oh! It's a 22. 18 plus 6. That is 24. 18 for me, please. Thank you. Damn, these were some good initiative rolls. Okay.

Since Fitz critted, I'm going to have him go first. I've decided as a bonus for the quitting, and then Argo, and then the Seder, then Fearbog, then Ogre. Okay, Fitz, you are up. So you have the Sater on one side of you and the ogre on the other. So they are flanking you, sandwiching you, if you will. Okay. I'm going to, I guess, use my move action to stand up as I was prone.

And as badly as I want to go into a rage, I think I hold that shit down. And I say, just, I guess, team meeting real quick. Next time somebody says they're robbing us, less deliberation, a little more action. Okay. That just... Lesson learned, you know? You can't make an omelet. And I hurl a chromatic orb at the satyr.

Thinking very carefully, what would a satir not like? Is he dressed well, or is he like sort of a pan type, you know, nude from the waist up? Yeah, it's like a pan type. Okay, then I'm assuming he won't like being very cold. So I'm going to throw an orb of icy goodness. ride at him. That is a 19 plus 6, 25. Oh yes, that definitely heads. Yeah, that's good stuff.

So that's 3D8 ice damage. Ooh, boy. Three, 10, 12. 12 ice damage. Pretty good. Every time I cast a spell, I roll to see if I do my freak out thing. that happens because of my wild magic and it hasn't happened yet. Okay.

So, up next is Argo. Hmm. Well, I think dual attack with the rapier and Florence. Okay, who are you attacking? I'm going to attack the Seder. Okay. Okay. So that is a 10 plus 7.

That's 17. That hits. And the rapier has 1D8 plus 4. That is a 7 plus 4. Do I also roll for 4-ins as well? Yeah, you have to roll again. Okay. Two separate attacks.

Okay. That also is a 10. 10 plus 7. So that's 17. And that's a 1 plus 3. So that would be 4. Well, you don't get the plus 3. You don't get the additional on your second attack.

So just a 1. Yep. He is looking rough. Plus 4. I'm sorry. So it's 5 altogether. No, you don't get the additional bonus on your second attack. You just get the dice.

Yeah. Oh, okay. That's how bonus attack. second attack works. So, uh, he is looking rough, but it is his turn now.

And he is going to, he is going to, uh, swing that, uh, weapon attack, the short sword at you, Argonaut.

And that's a 19 plus 5, 24. Yeah, that hits. Yeah, I, I suspected that that might be the case. Um,

and then, Let me roll for my damage. Okay. It's three plus three six piercing damage, Argo. I'm going to use that new escape ability. Go for it. Okay. Use reaction to have the attacks damage.

So it's three. Okay, three. Wow, you can just do that whenever? Well, once a return. You have to use your reaction, which you only get one of per round. Cool, cool, cool. So up next, oh, and then the Seder is going to move away from you to try to get out of reach of a sort. So he's going to move about 20 feet away.

Wouldn't he take an opportunity attack for doing that, Travis? Yes, Griffin, he would. And he takes an opportunity attack from, we'll say Argos, since he's the one he just engaged with. So what do I do? You're just going to make a straight up and down attack with, you know, your rapier or a foreign or whatever. Okay 9 plus 7

16 That hits 1D8 plus 4 That is a 6 plus 4 That's 10 Well he attempts to sprint away To move to safety And you skewer him

And he falls dead You give us your cloak He's dead Degie's cloak Is this our first Is this our first murder murder Did he have a weapon? He stabbed you.

I'm going to take it. I'm stealing it. Well, we got the ogre. Okay, yes. There'll be plenty of time for you losing. The ogre, man. Wait, that's my sword. I gave it him for birthday.

Well, come and take it. Okay. But it's the fair book, sorry. I'm going to cast Is an ogre humanoid? Yes. It is a large giant. So who do, so, all right, now want me to do positioning.

So, uh, it was the Seder on one side. You guys lined up on the road in between him and the ogre. But now, uh, with the Seder dead, it's the ogre and the three of you along the road facing him. So you're all side by side facing him. Okay. I'm going to cast, um, charm person. Uh, on the ogre.

Okay. And you have to make a wisdom saving throw. Well, this might surprise you. That's not his strong suits. Mm-hmm. That is, unless a four beats it. No, it is not. So what's the result of Charmed Person?

Um, it's, uh, regarding to me as a friendly acquaintance. Oh. It's so good. to see... Wait, that's not his voice. It good to see you. I wish no more bloodshed.

Oh, but blue one killed Sater, friend. This was unfortunate. But... We were threatened, you understand. I do understand, but still mad. And, if honest, Sad. What is your name?

Oger? Oger, why do you pursue this life of crime? Don't you know that shrinkage can be incredibly damaging to any small business. We have lost prevention measures enabled, such as killing that safer. But why? Why crime? Why not take this entrepreneurial spirit and start your own small business?

Ogre-like hurt things? There could be market for this. Oh? Yes. Perhaps a Taibo class to instruct. Perhaps sparring and training others to punch. exterminator Try exterminator

He has exterminate Small Road, didn't you? Could Ogar exterminate big things? This is a more specialized market So you must understand The demand for these services And how the market's needs are being met

If you want to sell Exterminating big things I think you might have to go on to the dark Gary, which we have ways of navigating dark Gary. Dark Gary get too dark for Ogre. Oh, you're telling me, yeah.

Get weird on there. In the meantime, we must be on our way, but thank you for being so pleasant. Is it okay

with you if ogre eats Seder body? Hmm, let me think on the morality of this for a moment. Waste not, want not, I suppose. Okay. Do we have to watch, or can we turn? I would like to not watch that. I would also like to not watch that.

Is up to you? Oger don't need audience. Fitz, do we have cards? Do we have Funderman business cards? You could leave one with this, this fellow, you know, like for a reference? This, I let me take you aside. This is spell. Oh.

Vim, it bears off. I do not want to give him a great means to get in touch. There will not be a follow-up interview to this networking session. Got it. Yeah, just look us up. Look us up on Fantasy LinkedIn, I guess. And good luck with all your enterprises. And how long is this spell last?

We got like 55 minutes left. Oh, that's plenty. of time. But anyway, if you wouldn't mind after you eat him just sort of walking in the opposite direction that we walk just to give us as much of an advantage as possible. Ogerhead towards town. Oh, God,

actually, maybe just sit right down. Really make a meal of your old friend here. What do you say? Okay. And leave a nice fantasy Yelp review on how he was. On how eating my best friend was? What do you, can we step, Dad, what do you think Yelp is?

To re you review the flavor of your best friend As they yelp for and for mercy Right So I guess you guys are probably heading on down the road Hell yeah With the sound of gross crunching and squelching going on behind you And thanks for the sword Oh yeah

It's fine It's just a regular sword As you head down coming down the path And you've put some distance between you and the ogre at this point You hear some hoofbeats Coming down and you think horses But you're wrong, Akham, take that It's a centaur

I would not think horses Oh, you wouldn't? No, knowing that we're going to a sort of We're on a sort of primarily centaur-based adventure I think I would in this case connect the dots Okay, but then I can't make my Occam's razor joke You already did? You already did. Okay.

You are greeted by Deanna, who you know is Malwin the Strong's second in command, who has come to greet you and lead you the rest of the way. Greetings. It is I, Deanna. Come with me, adventurers. Yes, Deanna, we're delighted Thunderman LLC here. just three envoys from the school. You were expecting us, I hope.

Yes, we were told that you would come and help guide us to success. We excel at that. I just wanted to just from the jump kind of apologize for the mini breaches of etiquette that we will sort of stumble into with our sort of nascent understanding of your culture. but I hope we will do our best and beg just so much forgiveness. So, so much forgiveness. I'm sure it will be fine. We are not as uptight as the centaurs of the valley.

Those people. Malwin the Strong has sent me to both guide and protect you. There have been brigands on the road, a satyr and a. an ogre making trouble for travelers. Well, some good news on that front. Oh? They

I've pursued other opportunities. Okay. We killed one of them. Oh! Yes, the ogre ate the Seder and so... I should form.

There is decent chance ogre will still be problem. Yes, if I'm Being honest, if I'd given the choice, I would have chosen you maybe killed the ogre, but, you know, one or the other. If you have any pressing travel, I would conduct it in the next 50 minutes. Okay. As we head back towards camp, if you have any questions, I am happy to answer them to the best of my ability.

So wishes Malwin the Strong. Well, would this be a good time for us to see the tree? to see the apple. I will lead you to the tree. This is where our camp is established. Oh, okay. Okay, good. We just have heard a lot about it and kind of wanted to scoop it out.

Yes, it is the mission you've been sent on, so I would hope that you've heard about it. Yes, thank you. Can't wait to help you all get that apple. Let's move on down the road. Yes. Follow me, adventurers. Do you have any questions that Deanna may attempt to answer for you? Can you sort of outline exactly what you need to use the apple for?

We got the sort of bare bones, brass tacks stuff. Ah, yes, as you know, we sent ours of the woods hail from the scarlet woods. This is where we make a permanent home where we return to when not on a hunt or a pilgrimage such as this. And so, once a year, we come here to the great southern meadow so that we may see. sacrifice this gold and ruby red apple to the spirits of the scarlet woods so that we may have successful hunts and mild weather what is it about this apple that's so special it is unique it comes from this magical sacred tree nothing but the best and the most special for the spirit of the scarlet woods We would never

Tis a sacred item Befit only for consumption by The Spirit of the Scarlet Woods Yes, Olmec, that's all great But you gotta at least, you have to have thought of eating the apple at some point, right? It's an... Well, who wouldn't dream of such an honor? But we, we are not

As important as the spirit of the scarlet woods. Yes, fantastic. As a fruit fancier myself, I understand completely... Oh, you subscribe to the magazine Fruit Fancy? There's a magazine? Yes, and if you sign up using one of my codes,

I will get a discount on next year's subscription. Bro, don't you. Trust me. Hot, damn, no, I'd love it. No, are you kidding me? Oh, man. A reduced rate on a magazine about fruit? Yeah, I'd love it.

Tell me a little bit about the scarlet spirit of the woods. Well, the scarlet, the spirit of the scarlet woods. Spirit of the scarlet woods, yes. Oh, I do not know the spirit, and no one knows the spirit of the scarlet woods, and yet we see their workings in our everyday life, be it the gentle rain upon the leaf, or the stag who comes just as we are in need of nourishment, And thus we see the workings of the spirit of the scarlet woods.

So you don't actually see it eat the apple. No, we burn the apple in a ceremonial fire. Okay. Okay. There's something we can work. There's a lot there that sounds totally cool and sacred. And we would love to help you out with that. Are we close?

Oh, we have reached the encampment. Oh, look at that. And what you see before you is that, very clearly, be it marked by banners, you can see that there are two camps set up equidistant from the tree. Now, this tree, just as it was described in your briefing, is both stunning to look at, but also difficult because it is too perfect. It stands out on the landscape between the dark gray of the wood and the bright. green of the leaf, it in and of itself seems to be out of contradiction. And you can see that there is a circle set up around it with one camp on one side in the camp you have just approached on the other, with plenty of scarlet tree banners everywhere.

And the other side has got a sun rising behind a valley bemarked on their banner. I don't know if bimarched is a word, but here we are. I'm pretty sure it's just marked. Yeah, I think it's just marked. but but but marked on their banner. Now you should know, as you see, we have set up a guard, a sentinel who keeps watch over the tree in shifts 24 hours a day. And across the way, you will see that those dastardly centaurs of the valley have done the same.

And you may be wondering, and the answer is no, we have not been able to raise the barrier once more, because we do not trust those centaurs of the valley. and they do not trust us. But I will let you know, since you are here on our side, we have set up a few magical tripwires to let us know if they approach the apple, though we fear that they may have done the same. Those dastardly centaurs of the valley?

I mean, it's all a matter of perspective. You literally just said that you did the exact same thing. Yes, but our cause is just, They believe in seeing the future in the apple's core. We have the much more logical approach of feeding it to the spirit of the scarlet woods. Yeah, that's, that makes, I mean, it makes a lot more sense to me. And usually there's two apples, right? Usually two apples.

We can each collect an apple and then go about our business. Do you speak with them other times of the year? From time to time we are forced to trade or partner to fight off some larger threat, but mostly we try to avoid any contact with those dastardly centaurs of the valley? Why do you talk like that? You go up on that last valley, that last syllable. That's kind of weird. You're really projecting.

Why do you talk the way that you do? Maybe you are the one. that is weird. My kids make me. So, you know, that's kind of the thing. Do you know why only one apple came this year?

What, what, when there's usually two? Who do you think we are? Those egghead scholars of the Valley Centaurs? Yes, yes, yes. No, we believe in action and strength. That's the best idea I've heard all day. Let's get busy because you are, you make me tired to talk to.

a group approaching you from the opposite side, and you immediately recognize Rhodes the Ranger, Mimi the Gnome, and this new psychic that you have not met yet named Moon. And they all three approach you, you know, not in like a, just like a, hey, what's up? Oh, you're here too, cool, cool. So you see them approaching, and Rhodes says, well, here we are. Are we sort of in competition with them? I mean, yes. So the way that this, this circumstances set up, there is perhaps a way through that you could figure out where both sides were satisfied.

But your goal is to just make sure that your side is satisfied. You know what I mean? So you can handle that however you wish. This is a very open-ended kind of thing where you are in competition, but you do not need, they do not need to lose for you to win. It's perhaps the way to think about it. Hey, how's your side doing? Because ours is very loud and kind of racist, I guess, a little bit against Valley Centaurs. Kind of weird inflection.

I think it's more like stereotypes. They talk a lot over here about you guys like this side being meatheads and stuff. And they are also, let me say, very loud, very loud. Cool. Should we establish like some ground rules? What are you thinking? Well, maybe no, like, direct sabotage of each other. That we can agree to that, right?

I'm going to do an insight check. Okay. On their motivations. That is a 14 plus 418. Yeah, so you know Rhodes pretty well at this point. She's, you know, straightforward. She's a stand-up person. You guys have hung out multiple times.

You've, you know, worked together on class assignments and something to think. This seems pretty straightforward that she is just trying to establish some kind of baseline of like, we have enough to deal with without having to, like, directly sabotage each other. Yeah. Okay. Do you know, Rhodes, do you know how they use, how your folks use the Apple when they, in better times when there's two of them? What do they actually do with their apple? I will be happy to answer that, Argo,

but you did kind of not respond to my thing about not directly sabotaging each other. So how about we address that first and then I'll start giving you information. Well, I won't sabotage you. Okay, cool. I'm looking at you, Fitz. Yeah, no, it's totally fine.

I'm not going to, why are you looking at me? Well, because he just answered and I trust the fearbook. Oh. Yeah, no, I'm not going to sabotage you. I think that there's a way out of this where the apple and what happens to it, who it ends up with ultimately its final fate is not even important, and we won't even pay attention to it.

Okay. And, you know, Mimi and Moon, you guys are down, right? And Mimi, they shake their head, and Moon, he shakes his head, yes. Now, Moon, this is your first time seeing him. He's a little bit on the smallish side, a little pale. And I think the words you would use for him is sullen. His hair, you know, hangs down over his face and he's not really making a lot of eye in contact. Not like shy or anything, but just kind of like staring at the ground.

Is he new to the school or have we like seen him around? You have not seen him around. So you believe that he is maybe a new transfer or he started this semester that he, He was definitely not there first semester. Okay. Uh, I introduced myself to him. Hey, by the way, we have not met.

Uh, I'm Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt Night and Absincha to the realm of Goodcastle and also, uh, CEO of Thunderman LLC. And these are my associates, the Master Fearbol and Argonaut Keene. Hi. It's a, it's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much. But for dead for his to matter, moon. Oh, nothing.

I can respect this. Cool. So what are you all thinking? What's the plan of a, what's the plan of attack? And Rhodes says, well, to answer your question, the Apple, they, so, you know, it's, and she points, and you can see it. You can see it hanging on the tree. And it is perfectly half of it, 50% of it is a perfect ruby red. And the other half is a perfect golden.

And she says, you know, they take it, they do a ceremony thing and split it right down the middle. And then they look at, you know, the placement of the seeds and the shape and, you know, the array, all that. And then they divine from that, like, what the next season, what the year is going to hold so they can plan appropriately, you know, for like storing and all that stuff. I mean, and then what do they do with it? I mean, after they do that. Well, then they bury it back at the root of the tree so that it, you know, feeds back into the tree and gives more strength for next year and more truth to the prophecy. Okay. Man, I really wish there was two apples, though.

I mean, I know that that's not very helpful in this circumstance, but God Almighty, it would make things much easier for us if there were just the two apples. apples. I did want to pitch. I've been thinking about this. And maybe you guys, you know, you think about it, you let me know. Maybe we could, and this is going to be tough because the two of them do not trust each other or like each other at all. But maybe we could arrange something where, you know, they split the apple and then like the centaurs of the woods get to burn it. Right. Yeah. I was, that's what I was thinking when I was asking you. If they do their divining thing, split in a half, do the divining thing. Do the divining things. and then we give it to our guys

and they can burn it and everybody's happy. Probably the most straightforward win-win. I mean, if we could talk our sides into it, like I said, it might be a bit of a tough sell. We'd probably have to get Malwin and Arturis in the same

camp to talk about it, and those two have not spoken in like 50 years. Seems like we could heal this. divide. Yeah, I mean, maybe in the long run, it might be a good thing that there was just one apple. I mean, like I said, it's a long road, but I think that if we, you know, work together, one apple literally split between the two sides.

Yeah, I mean, I think some third party arbitration is, uh, is called for here. Let's, let's arrange a good old fashioned summit. Okay. Well, then you, uh, you talk to Malwin. I'll talk to our tourists and we'll see what we can do. Let's do the old, you tell him that they already agreed to do it and I'll tell them.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. It's good stuff. I mean, I'll try. That didn't work on my parents when I was trying to go to a sleepover, but I'll see if I can convince these centaurs that that is what's happening. Okay. And I do realize we've just revealed the ruse to the master fear bulg.

So maybe go... No one a ruse. That's not a ruse. It's a ruse. It is a ruse to say that they already agreed. I will wait in the car. Well, Master Fier, well, maybe you can, you know, talk to the tree or, you know, do what you do to find out why it's only sort of turning out half the product, right? I will talk with the tree.

We can go talk to this Malwin person, right? I think that's a good plan. You don't have to lie to the tree, so I see no problems. Can I have a little convo with fits before we actually talk to those? So now that you have established this plan, Roads and Mimi and Moon head back towards the Centaurs of the Valley, you guys make your way back over and as you're near the tents split off so that the Fairbog might go. interregate a tree and

Fitzroy and Argo you guys are now on your own leaving Fearbolt behind and moving towards Deanna scheme update, quick scheme sidebar Yes, scheme sidebar I'm taking my heavens off

Okay Okay, so look, I think we can more or less straight up follow this plan up until the very last step Right. And then if I can substitute, I can use slide a hand and swap the two halves of the apple for, you know, something else. Yeah, a sack of dirt or something of a similar way.

Well, I mean, don't you have something that'll go fetch things? Could you not send your bird to go fetch another apple or something? Mine and Leon's relationship is just sort of in its infancy, and so I haven't really dialed it in that much. I can say, like, hey, go get me an apple, and then maybe he'll bring me back like a rock or some worms. Maybe an apple, but it might be a green apple. Do you know what I mean? It's unreliable. I do.

I can do this, and I use mage hand, just like pick a stick up off the ground. So like I could do like a, you know, wait for the fire to get raw in and then, you know, snatch it out of there at the last, we have lots of ways to do a trick here. I guess also we could just go and dig up the other half of the apple. So. Yeah, but it sounds like what's his name needs a whole apple, right? I mean, one of us has glue. Oh. I mean, that's nothing, but it could work.

Did he, did Travis, I'm now asking you, did Higglemish say like he needs the apple on touch? Yeah, the whole apple. All he said was the whole apple. Does that mean we can bring him two halves of the apple glued together? Or just the two halves of the apple? In the briefing of it, he did not specify that the apple needs to be intact. So I think it is safe to assume that he just needs all of it. Okay, perfect.

Yeah, okay, great. Wisdom is Solomon, baby. Let's get to chopping. You've reached back to Deanna, and she says, now, wait. Where is the fear? Wait, where is the fearborg? He talks to the tree. Sorry, Broadway reference, my bad. Is it?

He's a, yeah, he's sort of a tree specialist, so he's doing a little bit of arboreal research for you, for free. And that's a service we provide for free as a sort of sample of what we're capable of. And she kind of gets the attention of the Sentinel, and the Sentinel goes to accompany the fearborg. no one's allowed to go to the tree by themselves. And so Fearborg, let's cut over there. The Sentinel has joined you but is staying a slightly respectful distance away as you approach the tree. Oh, I should tell Justin to put his head by the top. And I'm back.

Okay. So Deanna sent a Sentinel over to join you as you approached the tree. The Sentinel is staying back, you know, a respectful distance, but still close enough to make sure that you don't. Fuck with anything. Where am I? What's, where am I? Am I by myself?

Yes. At the tree. Okay. Um, I am going to start with a nature check. Okay. I'm gonna,

I'll probably have to follow this up with some other ones because it's not necessarily my strong suit, but. Oh, 19. Very good. Dang. All right. Thank goodness. What do I,

what do I, what, kind of divine about this tree? Well, what you know about this tree is it is definitely not naturally occurring. In your travels, in the woods and force, you've never seen an apple tree or, for that matter, any tree like this. It seems like perhaps this was artificially created via magic or basically what you were able to divine is that at some point, for as long as people can remember, somebody created

this tree to serve this purpose of create these apples, you know, for these, maybe it's, they were created for these herds or to do this. Now, whether the centaurs found it after its original purpose was done or whether it was created for the centaurs, you have no way of knowing. But this is definitely, while it is a living tree, it was artificially created for the purpose of growing these apples. Okay. Is there, are there any, like,

um, bugs on the tree or is it, like, pretty clean? It is, uh, you would say abnormally pristine. Once again,

it looks very much like, um, almost like you said to someone, draw a tree without looking at it. And so they drew like a tree with no reference and nothing like that. So there's not a, There's not nearly enough, like, color variants in it. There's not nearly enough, like, dirt or moss or detail or anything.

I'm going to do... I'm also going to do an arcana check to see if I know about any sort of, like, magic that would make this sort of thing. And that is a... Two, plus... Doesn't matter. Three. You don't know shit about shit.

It definitely... I will say this. This does not... it does it is not immediately come to mind any kind of school of magic that you've experienced that has this kind of impact

it does not seem like you can't look at it and say like oh this is illusory or this is transmutation it is not a familiar kind of magic to you okay um one other thing I'm going to do

an investigation check like around the roots and just to see if anything looks weird and that check is a God, it's a 2 plus zero. Nothing looks weird. Nothing looks weird. Nothing looks weird.

Just roots. Just. Okay. I believe that concludes my place. Really flexing the little gray cells. Ah, yeah. Justin, Justin.

Would you say that that investigation was fruitless. I guess I would, Trave. I guess I would. That's good, Tray. Then I'd be so mad at myself that I'd quit podcasting forever. Fair enough.

And I'd retire into obscurity. And so back at the camp, Deanna has led Argo and fits to the tent and says, this is where resides Malwin the Strong. Enter and converse with her. And she draws back the tent flap. step inside yeah when you enter the tint is warm a glow and it has i would say a pleasant earthy aroma right

it's very hardy right but straw is it pleasant it smells good you know when you like walk into a barn but like a good clean barn it's pleasant is what i'm saying a good barn hashtag good barn and when you enter you see that a table is laid out with some snacks, a tea service, and you see Mauin the strong standing at the table, enjoying a tea service, and seated across from them with their back to you, appears to be an elven woman with autumn red hair.

And Mauin sees you and says, ah, come in, welcome adventurers. And I believe you already know my guest. She showed up shortly before you did. Althea And Althea song turns and sees you and says Ah

Fitzroy, Argo It is good to see you Yep Oh good Is the word I would use also To see you? Yep It's surprising

That's another word Big one Big surprise Well I thought I thought that as part of my You know Responsibilities of Observing things

at the school I might come, and since, you know, we'd already established a bit of a rapport, come and observe a real-world assignment in action. Now, don't mind me, and she smiles. I'm just here to watch and listen. commonfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported. Um, now here's, oh, sorry, give me one second. I need to go pick up my invisible. retainer, but they're only open until two. Damn it. Yeah, and then they want to be open again until Thursday.

Okay. Your life is hard. Well, I haven't had that Invisal and retainer for five weeks. Oh, your teeth are going to be fucked up, son. Oh, my God, that's going to hurt. Is that thing you just said in the show or not in the show? No, it's cut. Oh, darn. Okay. I had a really good joke. Okay.

Can I just tell you guys my joke? Yeah. Yeah. I just remember it. I think that you, if you have to stop playing D&D to go pick up your retainer, you actually regain your virginity. You're a new. Oh, Trabb, you should leave that in. That's a funny slam.