The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 17: Fire Drill

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

Having more or less successfully completed their mission with the Centaurs, the Thundermen are headed back to school. But first, a night out on the town and a few drinks with friends. What could go wrong?After stopping for the night at the tavern Springs Eternal, the fellas have an important talk with Althea Song. It is also a night of discovery with several alter ego coming to light. Plus, a Fuzzy Navel! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, it's me Gary. Previously on the Adventure Zone, the Thundermen were told by Higgelmiss Wigginstaff that his brother Hieronymus had been a dog for the last 50 years and a demon prince had been running the place. So, the fellas headed out on an assignment to help out a couple of centaur herds, but also to secretly retrieve a magic apple

that Higgumis needed to change his brother back. Things got real rough with Fitzroy getting cursed, the boys getting framed, and an evil wizard in the mix. Plus, some big ominous being named Chaos seems to have taken an interest in Fitzroy. But with the help of Althea Song and fellow students Rhodes the Ranger, Mimi, and Moon, they were more or less successful. Now they need to get the Magic Apple back to Higglemus, but bad news, fake Hieronymus knows what's up and is ready for them.

And there's no way that ends well, right? U3, Heroic Oversight Guild Investigator Althea Song and fellow students Rhodes the Ranger, Mimi, and Moon, all head out at the same time. The ride back is quiet. From what you can tell, Althea's silence is a worried silence, a concerned silence, while Rhodes, Mimi, and Moon seem impressed, but not necessarily in a positive way, impressed in the way one might be when gazing upon the aftermath of a now. natural disaster. Hmm. Hurricane Fifth Point. Yeah.

By the time you reach the town of Last Hope, it has grown quite dark. Groundsy and his cart have stopped making trips from school to town and back. With very little discussion, all seven of you decided to grab rooms at the tavern Springs Eternal rather than go the rest of the way in the dark. When you enter the main bar area, it is surprisingly empty. You would expect an evening at the town's only tavern to be pretty pretty. packed, but you'll only see two or three other patrons. Barb the bartender is polishing glasses in a classic bartender fashion.

Oh, classic. Oh, you can't teach that. You know how you picture it. It's that. She turns her dark spectacles in your direction, mirroring the motion of her hawk familiar perched above the bar. Hello and welcome back, she says. Surprised to see you all out and about.

Come in, close the door quick as you can. Can I get you anything to drink or to eat or anything? Why surprised that we're out and about? Oh, well, I guess you somehow, have you not been paying attention? Because there have been demon attacks like all over the area, like in the last 24 hours. Is that, is... We've been a bit preoccupied. What are you doing here?

if there are so many demon attacks going on. Oh, the taverns warded against demons. Can't get in the place. You're safe as houses. Don't, do not worry about it. Sounds like houses aren't especially safe right now. Well, it's an expression. Okay.

You know, like, it's not literal. It's confusing expression. Okay, fair enough. It seems I shame they did not award the whole town. Yeah. Well, I mean, I warded my own tavern. I have a bit of expertise in it. It is like the black box in the wreck of a sunken ship.

Sure. You wonder, why do they not make the ship out of this? Sure. What can you tell us about these demon attacks? Oh, well, there's really only been about a handful of attacks, mostly just like sightings. you know, skulking around. A lot of imps. Oh, the imps.

It's the emps again, a lot of them. Well, that is troubling. I mean, should we, I mean, we all just got here, and I know we've had a long day. Do we need to go, and I almost don't want to say it, imp hunting again, because I believe we may possess more expertise than most folks in that particular field.

I mean, I like the initiative, but, you know, there's a whole, like, squad of people on it, keep, you know, patrolling and everything. You guys just rest up. You look like shit, if I may be so bold, so. Got cursed. Got cursed. Check my badass brand. Oh, nice. You got any recommended chasers for having a sort of foul magic, possess your body? Some kind of strong spirit, I would say. Do you want a strong spirit?

And she kind of eyes you up and down and you see the hawk to the same motion. And she says, I think maybe a strong spirit. Virgin Shirley Temple. Yeah, I agree. Virgin Shirley Temple. Let me get one of those. Okay. What about you two?

Huh? A teeny apple teeny for me. A small apple tini. You got it. Teeny. I'll have a fuzzy navel Too late Oh boy

Furbul has got his stand-up comedy thing going With always with the midrifts She maintains eye contact With you guys this whole time And just slightly raises one eyebrow and says nothing Okay Does she give us the requested beverages? She says

You know that That'll be three gold altogether. Put it on our tab. You do not have a tab. Stop one. I do not do tabs. Do we have...

Do we have any gold? Althea leans forward and says, drinks are on me. I've got it. Sick. I was just about to do the... It's my birthday. And then I cry. It works sometimes.

Do you want me to try it and save you the three gold? No. They sing a song at these tavern. Okay. It's on me. Happy, happy birthday! Happy, happy birthday! DC, I thought I was spared.

And when Althea speaks, you see Barb react, kind of look her up and down, and then her face goes wide. And she says, avenging angel? I haven't seen you in forever. And Althea turns and looks at her and is just, you know, completely, blank for a second. And then her eyes widened and she says, Bloodhawk, Barb, how are you? You two know each other? And Althea turns you and says, yes, we went to school together. Barb was studying to be a villain when I was studying to be a hero. Barb, what are you doing here? Like, you were all set to be a pretty badass villain.

And Barb says, oh, yeah, I got, uh, I got caught by an errant curse and she takes her glasses off and her eyes are all white. And after I finished recovering, I was like, I don't get paid enough for this. So I bought this place and settled down. But what about you? What, are you still, you know, heroing all around? and Althea's face goes kind of ashen for a second, and she says, no, I don't do that anymore. I work for the heroic oversight guild now, and that seems to be all she kind of wants to say about it for the moment. She's, I mean, you're still doing hero stuff, though. Don't tell yourself short. You saved my bacon.

Yeah, I guess I mean like I'm just not doing it professionally. Okay. So avenging Angel and what, Barb, what was Barb's? Blood Hawk Barb. But are we going to get really cool code names like that when we graduate? You're the Thundermen. What are you talking about? No, I know.

That's kind of a team name. I mean, that's like X-Men. Well, I don't know how to break it to you, Argo. You're a sidekick. Sidekick don't often get. To get named? Yes, they do. Speedy.

Robin. Batmite. You're just fucking, you cut a hole in the fourth wall. It's right. Oh, okay. Fantasy Robin. Fantasy Batman. You know, for a long time, we couldn't get Dad to use his character voice.

Now he can't get him to stop doing it. Yes. Okay. So there's obviously a lot going on here. But I feel like maybe we should debrief because our Master Fearbul. I think it's maybe time that we let Althea

into the, how should I say this? The Circle of Trust. Wink. Visa Vee. I'll grab a table. When you guys get your drinks, you can come talk to me

if you want. Cool. I am not sure we swore our silence. Yeah, I mean, we swore our silence to somebody who I don't entirely think is on the level. So, like, if that is the case, and I think it's like two wrongs make a right situation, do you know what I mean? Things...

I do not. Things that, okay, let's do a list of things that Higlmiss has done for us. One, brainwashed you a bunch. Two, sent us off on a quest to save his dog brother. and that's end of list. Things Althea has done for us. Incalculable that list. So at this point, I trust her more than Higlemus

and think she would be a great asset in our cause of saving the world, stopping the demon king. Truth zoned stompart. Truth is the honor of the tribe. Yeah, but that doesn't mean you've got to tell the whole truth, Does it? We have maybe not met. No, no, no, no.

I mean, yes, you, I know you have to tell the truth, but is there not a way where you could not tell the whole truth? I mean, leave some of the lies up to us. I'm kind of on ferville's side about, I don't know if we should trust anybody but each other right now, completely. Then what do you suggest we do? We just go back to the school with our dicks in our hands and just walk into the principal's office and get incinerated?

That doesn't sound great. I don't, I don't, are we going to be able to get back in? I mean, this is a fine question. We were personally invited by the malefactor himself. Yes, I think we will be able to get in and then walk into a, I don't know, pit of acidic spikes or, I don't know what kind of, you know, trap he has set for us, but it would be best, I think, if we had a little bit of backup. I suppose we must build the beans.

Yeah, okay. Let's spill the beans and see what happens. Listen, I know this is not a, you know, voting situation. So, okay, I'm going to. All right, let's give her a shot. Let's give it. It couldn't be much worse. Right?

Thank you, yes. So I sit at the table. I imagine you two join me and I spill the beans. I don't know if we have to do that sort of, you know what? It might be a good sort of catch. A brief recap could hurt. Yeah. Okay.

So here's the situation in Althea. Are we out of your shot of Bloodshot Barb? Blood Hawk Barb. Blood Hawk Barb. Okay. So here's the situation. We have been sort of let into a secret club, exclusive club, by Higelmiss, who has informed us that, unfortunately, his brother is his dog, and Hieronymus is some sort of immortal demon prince. So that's like the big one.

That's like the big sort of takeaway. If that's the only thing you remember from this whole thing, that's probably okay. Also, the God's carcasm, that's new. It's like a new thing that everybody thinks has been there for a long time. And Hieronymus is a demon? Did we cover? Yes, we said that. I think you mentioned, yeah, demon prince.

The demon prince. I forget the exact sort of title. I'm writing all this down. I'm taking notes, you know, for the meeting. So, yes, the, I've already forgotten the gentleman whose hand I ripped off early. today and that is not a good look for me. Calhane. His name was Calhane.

It was Calhane, thank you. Listen to dad fucking so proud of himself. He is really good about the spring. I've got the minutes. He's like clambers over the top of the table. I remember the name. He was an agent of the demon prince. So the demon prince does know that we know he's not Hieronymus.

Wow, this is getting, you follow me so far, right? More, yeah. There's some gaps for sure. Yeah. Like, why is the brother a dog? That's like huge for me. So I guess my first question is, why did you steal the apple?

To make a dog transformation potion. Okay, so that was on Higelmus' orders. God, I am now realizing the very very very. easily manipulate. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of been an ongoing theme. When you say it, right?

When you say it out loud, it sounds very strange. From what I understand, we get the Apple, we get the real Hieronymus back, and then together we save the day, fight the demon prince, do the, do the thing. So that's sort of the, that's where, that's what we're operating on right now. If you have a better course of action, I would love to hear it. Excuse me for a minute and she goes to the bar and she comes back with three shot glasses of strong spirit And she immediately downs to and then she says okay, so start at the top and now we'll do the like you know propeller spinning I don't know what I left what I left out of that I felt you got it pretty much for my clarification what details

were left out. Because if there's other stuff that I need to know, then... No, mostly it's, you know, the specifics of the God's carcasm. It's only been there for 50 years. 50 years ago, the brother was turned into a dog. They've been gathering things. That's why the Fearbug was mind-controlled. All of these things that she had been wondering about. Okay. You know, you hit all the main points. This is more of just filling in. Can I do a roll? I want to roll an insect. check to see if, like, she is feigning surprise, or if, like, these things that we are saying.

Oh, I don't know why I rolled physical dice. I got a zero. The sound is good. Yeah. Um, good folly. Uh, I got an 18, flat 18. Yeah, she is, uh, not feigning surprise. She is, this is news to her, especially when you, uh, mentioned the part about it being 50 years ago.

Right. And she says, I was at the school 25 years ago. I was taught by a demon prince. Is that like the school, the school has been run by a demon prince for the last 50 years? That sounds like our options are be taught by a demon prince or be taught by a dog man. And I feel like the demon prince would bring a little bit more educational heat. But yes, that is the shape of it. At least to the villain half.

You know, demon prince would be good for the villain. Yes, true. Thank you. Yes. This is a lot. Yes. Yeah, I mean, can you light the freaking beacons of Gondor and just like summon the full weight of the heroic oversight guild down on the school? Or like, what's the thing?

Do you all have like an, you know, like an army or something? Well, let me start off by saying, I believe you, completely 100%. I cannot say that that would be the same if I went and told the Heroic Oversight Guild that one of the most renowned heroes and educators in all of NUA is secretly a demon prints based on the word of three students. And higgleness. And his dog brother, if we can cast a spell on him that makes him talk. I'm sure he would tell the truth of things.

Yes. We've had the ability to make dogs talk this whole time. That's fucking true. I'm just realizing that. We have, I almost said, screwed the pooch, but that would be terrible. That would be much different context, really. Yeah. And we have the apple now so he can turn his brother back into his brother, right?

Yes, you? There's you. I mean, yes. Maybe then we could make a pretty strong case. If I'm being honest, the biggest problem is, and she kind of breaks eye contact for a second and says, the whole Givercite Guild is a lot of bureaucracy a lot of red

tape. There's not really they're not really like a leap into action spring you know spring to someone's defense kind of deal and she kind of trails off. So there's just nothing then

I mean it is mostly staffed by former heroes and villains, yes? In name. Okay. So what you're saying is that we need to put together our own little posse to kind of deal with this Prince of Demons? I mean, I can try to set the wheels in motion. And I, I, let me start off here. I am on your side.

I will not let you go into this fight alone. I just don't, I can't guarantee support from the guilt. Great. And if what you're saying is true, I don't know if you've thought about this yet, but that means for the last 50 years, this demon prince has had influence over, more or less over, you know, 50% of the heroes and villains that have entered the field. And that includes working at the guild.

I had not considered that. But it is just another sort of mark against Hieronymus Wigan staffs, et cetera, et cetera. and why it is not the elite institution that some believe it to be. I, I, what are we doing? Are we going to walk into that school tomorrow to confront the demon prince? This seems like a bad, like a wicked bad idea. Yes?

Well, I think we need to go to Higgleness. Give him the apple. That's the whole reason we went out on our mission. Give him the apple. changed the dog back into his brother and that seems to me that that's proof positive that, you know, we're on the

side of the... Pardon me, the angels. Sure. I'm not offended. I'm not really an angel, Argo. You know that, right? Aren't you? For the moment, I think we must trust

Eaglemas. Oh, boy, that sounds bad. Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Althea, I have thought of something that you can do to aid us in this endeavor to subvert the demon prince. Can you distract him with some of that rigid bureaucracy that you mentioned earlier and give us a chance to shore up our sort of war chest as it were at the school? because I'm pretty sure if we just walk in there as is, we're going to get noticed and we're toast. I think it's still on us to deliver to Higelmiss. Not that I fully trust him, but I do know that he's not a demon prince, so he does have that.

That is fair, yes. And then we just sort of throw the chips up in the air and they see where they fall, as they say. I have noticed quite a few violations around the school. Usually it's minor stuff that normally we would let side, but I could get a handful of other inspectors there and really red tape of the hell out of it. Love it. I think we have more friends at the school who would aid us in this cause,

don't you think, Argo, Fearbulk? Um, yeah, I've got a, I've got a connection to a sort of, um, um, I, I, I'm, I have somebody that I think could probably, we could count on in crunch time. Okay. But maybe we wait until it's crunch time. It's sounding pretty crunchy out there, but, okay. I not know it even. Oh, that's not true. I was a friend to a Pegasus And I briefly talked with a librarian We've been out of this school for

I don't know how long, but quite some time now And you've only talked to two a Pegasus and a librarian The person at the stables Okay The accounting teacher Sure This is the end of the list Okay, that's not a very long

You are go several garries, sublist, I've list the garris. No, please don't. Okay, we're good. Thank you. Your list is fantastic. Yeah. Sounds like we got a pretty cool plan. I'm feeling plumb tuckered.

All three of you make a wisdom saving throw. Fuck. Fitzroy, you have advantage. Yeah, all right. That's good because I am not very wise. Damn, that's a two from me. That's a three. Plus four gets me to six.

And is a 14 minus one. I got a three flat, but then I got a 16. The Fearbug and Argo spring up from the table and sprint outside, leaving Althea and Fitzroy at the table. Hey. Why did we do that? That's, hey guys, we were like mid-sentence talk. Oh, God, I think something bad is going on, Alpia. And a voice booms from seemingly every inch of the inside of the tavern and says,

We are here for the fear of Fitzroy and Athernaut King. send out Fitzroy or we will burn the building down with everyone inside Hey

Bloodhawk Barb your ward sucks shit so because they just ran outside Can I see them out Are there windows? Can I see my buds? There are windows if you want to go look

I discreetly look through a window Make a stealth check for me. Eventually we're going to use some skills that I am good at. 13. With a 13, you begin to peek out the window. You see the Fearbug and Argo being held by some hulking figure, but before you can get a clear picture, a flaming projectile comes flying through the window. Make a dexterity saving throne. Oh, 18 plus 2, 20.

You are able to dodge out of the way without taking any damage. So there's a big old crowded demons out there. Well, there was at least one big demon holding the two of them. Okay. And if you could give me just a really good line to go to the break on, that would be just tough. Well, it's demons. Are they, can you address, are they mind control? Yeah, do we have Will right now?

No, they have both been charmed. Okay. These demons see scuttling under the swinging doors of the tavern, a little crab who scuttles right up to them, to the party. I should also say, while this is happening, Mimi, Rhodes, and Moon are moving the handful of other patrons of the bar. Like to one side, towards the back, towards, you know, the back exit. Probably a pretty good idea. Yeah. So are you wondering what Snippers sees?

Yes. Snippers sees a pit fiend holding both Argo and the Fearborg, as well as two eriniesces, flanking him, the pit fiend. Okay. And several pairs of red glowing eyes in the shadows. Jesus. If he would like to try to figure out how many things are there and what they are, you can make a perception. Yeah, let's see how good a...

My crab does. My crab got a five plus three. My crab. My crab got an eight. There is an indeterminate amount of other creatures in, in, in the world. in the back. Okay. Um,

so what are you going to do with the three heroes, the three brave villains, I mean. If you do not exit in under 60 seconds, I will kill the fear bulb. Damn. Well, nice.

I'm going to re-roll a dark elf. That'll be fucking sweet pyromance or something. It's shit cool like that. Yeah. I mean, that gives us a minute to sort of talk. What are you, what are you going to answer my question? Or why am I talking like this? I don't know who this is.

Okay. So what, are you going to answer about what you're going to do with us or no? Seems like no. 50 seconds. Okay. Althea and Barb, do you all want to just sort of help me out here and we can go just sort of smash it through the windows and like do like a fight? Uh, yes, let me, um, okay, I need to get my stuff.

Got like 40 seconds, so like get it fast. Okay, go distract them and we'll be right there. We're right behind you. Okay. We'll get everyone out, and then we're right behind you. Rhodes, Moon, you all keep doing what you're doing. Um, and then... 15 seconds.

Hold on. Can you give me like 30 more seconds? Uh, please. 10, 9, 8, 7. I walk out disguised as Hieronymus Wigginstaff. It's okay, guys. We got him. Griffin, roll the greatest performance check of your life.

Well, good. I'm fucking good at performance. Finally, you're gonna watch me roll a fucking one. No, I rolled a 17 plus 3, a 20. They do pause for a second. I'm just here to just keep an eye on things. Looks like you all are doing okay. I'm going to just stand back a little bit, watch you all work.

I will be handing out evaluations afterwards. It is me, the demon prince, in the skin of Hieronymus Wigginstaff. So let's all, you're doing fantastic. And sorry, go right ahead. You were counting down. You were being very ominous. Uh, you, how? Okay, well, I'm here.

Even coming outside to kill the fear bulb. Oh, no, let's not do... I mean, you know you're not supposed to actually do it, right? Like, you're supposed to threaten doing it and, like, make it be scary, but, like, you don't actually... Kill the Fearbug? No. Why don't I take them back to my office and do detention on them? And then, um, I'll let you all know when...

the big one is coming. And you all know exactly what I'm talking about when I say, when I, Hieronymus Wigginsuff, say the big one, you know the big plan? I'll let you know with a messenger bird. You see the pit fiends kind of look at you harder and say, ha, ha, ha, ha, welcome to the party, Fitzroy. No, that wasn't me.

Roll initiative. Did he, I'm guessing, roll, uh, An investigation? He has true sight. Oh, does he? Yeah, Piffines have true sight. So that whole time he was just kind of being an asshole. Just kind of making me think.

Sure, fantastic. Well, you surprised him, didn't you? Well, then don't you think I should get a surprise round, maybe? No. Okay. Not that surprise. I got a 10. And if you guys want to go ahead and roll your initiative as well.

Okay. The kid has got 3 plus 2, 5 for the Fearbulk. That is an 11 plus... Oh, it's plus 6. So that's 17. So up first is Ayrgyz number one. Now, for anyone who doesn't know,

an erin yes, some might confuse for an angel, but they are not. They are winged women, But their wings are like a cool red thing, and they're like demons and stuff. So it's like an angel, but a demon? But a demon, yeah. So a demon then. Yeah.

Aaron yes, number one is going to take a swing at, let's see, at, well, Fitzroy. Cool. Oh, that's a net 20. Damn. So that hits. Yeah, that's going to hit, I think. And the damage is 1D10. Well, it's 2D10, huh?

14 points of damage. Great. And then she's going to swing the long sword again at you. All right. But that one's not going to hit. That's a, well, maybe. It's a 17 versus AC? How fucking high do you think my AC is?

I don't know. I'm wearing a, I'm a boy cloak wearer. I don't fucking... However, I do. Do hold a hand up at that second attack and it glances off an invisible barrier because I cast as a reaction shield, which adds five to my AC until the end of my next turn. Excellent. And she's going to swing one more time. That's an 18 plus 8, 26.

Yeah, I mean, that does get through the, that does get through the aforementioned shield. Okay. Hey, is this like one of those Final Fantasy fights that we're supposed to lose or what's up? I mean, is any fight a fight you're supposed to lose, Griffin? Oh, that's deep. That's not bad, that. That's only seven points of damage. It's not good.

And up next is Erin Yes number two. And Aaron Yes, number two, is going to draw her long bow and aim for you, Fitzroy. Okay. And that's 13 plus seven. Yeah. Now do a Constitution saving throw? That's good, actually. 16 plus 5, 21.

Okay, good. You passed on that. That was nice. And six points of damage. Okay. And Argo, the pit fiend seeing this destruction and readying for battle and the confusion from Fitzroy's momentary distraction has broken his concentration. So you have shaken loose your charm spell and you are now able to act. So I did accomplish something.

Yeah. Good. That's good. It will be my last good thing I did before I fucking die here in like a minute. I'm, I think he's going to just, he's standing right next to the, to the pit fiend, correct? Yes, correct. So that means the pit fiend is within five feet of him. Is that correct?

Don't like the way this is going. Yes, also correct. A little nervous. So, in theory, he could sneak attack since he's within five feet. Yes. And, and I'm going to say, he is not paying attention to you. So, and you and the fearbook are flanking him. Yeah, there's all kinds of ways that you got sneak attack on this.

Okay. So he's going to sneak attack. Oh, okay. Yeah, because finally, he can. And he's got two weapon fighting, which he can take. So he's going to attack with Florence in one hand. And he's going to stab for the eyes. Huh.

He's going to stab for the eyes with Florence. Cool. And I'm going to hold off on the other one. Just stab for the eyes with Florence. Let me pick an eye. Let's go for the left. Okay. Oh, Dad, I wouldn't be so quick.

I think the right? I'm going to go for the right? No, left is good. Okay. Oh, great. That's a two. So I would say that that did not hit. That is a good call.

I would say that that did not hit. But he is aware of you now. And he's up. And so I also hide. That's a good idea. So he slashes up there, misses because of how tall the pit fiend is, and kind of goes, and hides. Runs around behind the pit fiend.

Okay, cool. I'll allow it. It is the pit fiend's turn. Guys, I just Googled Pitfiend 5E, and then I shit my butt off into my pants. We ain't, we're not going to kill this motherfucker. Am I still being held? You, you, the triumphal on you has also broken. But am I physically being held or am I just like, chilling?

You are just chilling. Okay, got it. So the first, the Pitfiend is going to attempt to bite Argo, but I'm going to say with disadvantage because Argo hid. Oh, this is good for you, but I mean, not great, because it's plus four. 14 to hit. So that's a 21. We're dead. We're all going to die. Uh, but not bad. 12. 12 points of damage. And I use uncanny dodge, which I can use once per turn, which means when an attacker you can see hit you with an attack, you can use your reaction to have the attacks damage. Great. Cool. Uh, and, and also do a constitution saving throw for me. I'm ready for this. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, not 20. Nice. You, you very, clearly avoid being poisoned.

Okay, so how many points do I take off? You only take six. And let me just say, you do not want to get poisoned by this bite. Because if you do, you take 6D6 poison damage at the start of your turn. Yeah, okay. So it's bad. And he is going to claw at Fitzroy. That is a 24.

Yeah, yep, yep. That does just, that just barely gets through my shield. Oh, just, oh, just the tip of it. I look up on my shield like, oh, come on, shield. The tip of it just got me. The tip of that, just got me, Odell. Three, five, face. Folks, we are going to need emergency surgery at the tavern.

That is 16 points of damage. Oh, great. Yeah, cool. For those keeping track and maybe, try to hold your ears because maybe I don't want you, the bad guy to know this, I have one hit point. Okay. And up next is you.

Griffin. Yeah, Fitzroy. Is the fearful conscious? Like, Yes, now, yes. Okay. Talking to free action, yes? Correct.

I say, is this like you guys are going to kill us thing? Or is this you guys are going to like kidnap us and take us to your leader type thing? First we will have some fun. And then we will take. Take you to our boss. Okay, well, let me just like, I bet your boss doesn't want me dead. And I have, let me check, about three squirts of blood left in me. So there is no more fun to be had with me.

I surrender. And I think my friends here will also, and let us go in peace. Well, then we will shift our focus to a different toy. But I, come on. You're wasting daylight. I really think we should just kind of go. Roll? And I'm going to tell you, pretty high.

Persuasion check. I have plus six persuasion. So I'm feeling pretty good about that. Yes, sir. 16 plus 6.22. No. Are you kidding me? I said it's really high.

He did say it's pretty high. Okay. We'd say it's pretty high. Not really high. Not impossible. I guess it got. to happen. Yeah. You're up, Griffin. Yeah, great. Okay, well, I tried. Uh, and I'm going to, I guess, jump at the pit fiend with my mall at the ready and rage out in midair. And we'll see

what happens with that first. Uh, I need to roll 1D8. Sorry, I don't know where my wild surge table is. Uh, one. Necrotic energy burst. from you, each creature within 30 feet of you takes 1D10 necrotic damage, and you gain temporary hit points equal to the sum of the necrotic damage dealt to the creatures. Okay. Roll. Nice. Everybody?

Wait, everybody takes 10, or it takes a D10, right? There's no save. There is no save. Okay, great. So that's the aern yeses. Two, Pitfiend, one. So three, five, within 30 feet. I rolled a six

So that's 30 points of damage Back to you? It does say Each creature Okay You want to keep rolling? Go for it No, I'm just saying for the DM Sake, Argo and

The Fear Bowl are up in there also Yeah, I know Oh, did you include them? Yeah, I didn't count the glowing eyes They are outside of the 30-foot range Okay, then yes, it is six necrotic damage and I regain 30 temporary hit points, I guess. Nice.

Yeah, that'll help you feel good. Okay, and now I'm going to smash this motherfucker with my mall. Great. I bet his AC's pretty high, huh, Traff? Yeah. Sure is. You want to know what it is? I got 12 plus 719.

That just hits. Yay. That's 2D6. plus four, so 15 plus my rage bonus, which is two, so 17 points of damage. Okay. Fearbul, you are up. How big are these things?

The Aren Yassizs are medium size. They're, you know, five foot to six foot range. The Pitfine is large, so more like eight to ten. 18 feet. 8 to 10 feet. I can do that. Okay. I'm going to jump on the face of the pit fiend.

Give me an acrobatics check. This is my move action. Okay. But I will make your check. Monster. 19 plus 2. You do it. With surprising Vim and Viger, the Fearbug springs into the air and lands on the pitfine's face.

get used to the view. And then, it is only then the Piffin realizes that he cannot remove me from his face because I have glue on me. What? The rule is I roll and

the length, and it determines the length of time. What did, okay, roll. I rolled a four, just, So four hours? Six. No, it's six is forever.

One falls apart instantly, and anything in between that is it travels his discretion. I don't think I'm going to need it to hold for a real long time. I can't imagine. But we are fucking bonded. Yeah, I'm going to say he, at least the length of the fight, unless he does a significant strength check and takes some damage. And I am completely obscuring his face away. I'm a big point, too. I imagine there's also a sort of counterweight situation that he is now also having to deal with.

Yeah, it's going to be, he's going to be at disadvantage for a lot of things. Right. Let's see. So up next is the beady eyes in the background. The UC step into the light, six hell-hounds. That's too many, Trave. Do a different number. One of the lower ones?

step out snarling, but then very quickly, their animal snarls are completely drowned out by a loud roar from within the tavern. Everyone present turns to look, except the Pit Fiend, who is now blinded, as three imposing figures exit to stand by your son. Hell yeah. First is Bloodhawk Barb. She's removed her glasses and has donned her signature helmet. It is forged in the shape of a hawk with the wings curving down the sides of her head. Her all-white eyes scan the scene in perfect synchronicity with her bloodhawk familiar flying overhead. She reaches behind her back and draws two sickles as her pace quickens. Next comes the avenging angel. Her armor as well as her scimitar glow with an inherent radiance. She leaps into the air

and much to your surprise, hovers above you. Finally, an eight-foot beast stands to its full height. The shape is not familiar, but the armor is. Where the chain mail had seemed ill-fitting in his human form,

it fits Moon's wear-bear form just fine. Yeah, Moon. And up next is Althea. Guys, we got this. Don't go back inside. We got this. Easy, peasy.

Althea swoops low for a moment and touches your shoulder, and you pick up 41 points of health. Oh, fuck yes. Are you kidding me? God, yes. I have a lot of hit points right now. After touching your shoulder, Althea continues on and plows directly into one of the air and yeses pulling them away from the fight.

And then you see Bloodhawk Barb come rushing in, and she jumps and plants the point of both sickles into the aaroness's guts, pulling her down to the ground, and the two began to punch and wrestle there. And you see Moon wade into the onslaught of hellhounds and began throwing them and fighting them six hellhounds to one wear bear, leaving the three of you versus the pit fiend. Looks like you should have taken the surrender, dickbag. And we're back up at the top. This time, will start with Argo, we'll let the NPCs fight their own battles.

It's really cool, though. I want everyone to picture, oh, it's pretty cool. All right, so it's just the three of us in the pit. Pit demon. Correct. Cool. Okay. Okay.

All right, I know I'm going to get shot down for this, but I'm going to try it anyway. I don't know. I'm feeling pretty generous. Okay. Argo takes Florence and pours the dose of arsenic poisoning that they saved from the hospital. Oh, wow. And sticks it in the right butt cheek of the pit demon. Okay, make an attack roll for me?

I don't know why you'd think I'd shoot that down. That's a good move. Solid. 19. 19. 19. 19. 19.

19. 19. 9 times. Yes. 19. That hits. So make your damage roll plus 1D10. There's a D8.

That is a 7 plus 4, which is 11. And you. said and then 10. And one D10. One D10. That is a, I don't know if it's a six or nine. It's a nine. Nice. Okay. And he's got, he's got a sword sticking out of his butt. I mean, you don't leave this, you don't leave Florence there, right? No. No. Okay. Um, up next is the pit fiends. Wait, does he suffer poison damage? That was the extra one G10. Oh, the DT. And that's going to be ongoing. for a couple rounds at least. So he is going to

attempt to pull the fearbug off of his face and if he does he will take some damage as skin comes away with it. He does succeed. That was a Nat 20. So he peels the fear bug off

but I'm going to say he takes 1D12 damage. Does that seem fair? Yes. I feel like I should get an opportunity to attack. Okay. He is moving him away from... Okay. He takes five points of damage and you get an opportunity attack.

I can do an action on an opportunity attack or is it just an attack? Just an attack. All right. Let me see here. God, I do that very rarely. Let's go ahead and use my thorn whip on him. And I'll roll here. It's an 11 plus 718. That does not hit. So 19 is his armor glass.

So up next is Fitzroy. Cool. As a bonus action, I calm down. I have a sip of my camomile that I have with me, my kombucha, my calm down kombucha and drop out of rage. So I can cast a spell. And I'm going to put some extra stink on this one. You see me just like charging it up, just like ready to go. I'm going to cast chromatic orb on this pit fiend, launching a ball of whatever type of energy damage that I want.

And I am also going to put on my tides of chaos, which will give me advantage on the roll. And we'll hopefully trigger some extra fun stuff. Griffin, real quick, remind me, what is it that I can make you roll after you cast a spell? Well, after this spell, after I cast my Tides of Chaos, you can have me roll on my wild magic table. Great, perfect, perfect, perfect. All right, yeah, so I'm going to conjure up a tasty, let's say lightning damage. I don't think he'd bring you into that. Oops, I rolled the damage before I rolled the attack.

That's bad luck. Oh, I couldn't tell what it was because it's the D&D Beyond logo on the virtual dice, but that is a Nat 20. I probably don't need to roll the other. Let's just see, I did have advantage what the other one would have been. A, 17 plus 6 is also pretty good, but that is not 20. Well, that is 3D8 lightning damage. That is 12 lightning damage. And then you had to do your wild surge.

Oh, I was so hoping you would say that. I've never done this on the magic wild surge thing, which is a different thing from my barbarian wild surge. I roll a D100 And we're going to see what it says as I load up Okay, so I rolled a 12 Yeah As far as I can tell, this is permanent

I was so excited to roll on this table On an 11 to 12, roll a D10 Your height changes by a number of inches equal to the roll. If the roll is odd, you shrink. If the roll is even, you grow. Okay. Real quick, just for

how tall is Fitzroy? I mean he's he's half elven but he's kind of built I would say like 5-8 like he's not he's not the biggest fella but he's a he's got muscle to spare I'm fucking terrified of this role there are way worse things that could happen Griffin yeah okay so considering you just made up his height now okay I just rolled an eight so even I grow eight

I grow eight inches So you hit? Okay So just to lay out the scene I am six four You nail him with the chromatic orb He takes some damage And when he looks up

You're eight inches taller What's up, motherfucker? I am six foot four I have to make an important note about this because everyone is going to be blown away. You know, some people go on summer vacation and, like, get a new haircut or, like, work out a little bit. I just grew eight inches. And it doesn't say it wears, like, it doesn't wear off.

No, why would it wear off? I am just eight inches taller now. Up next is the Fearbug. I guess everybody, I assume, for the next round of combat, takes a moment to appreciate the fact that I just. grew eight fucking inches. What's the layout right now, Travis? So currently, the Aren-Yasses have been peeled off

into two separate battles with the Avenging Angel and Bloodhawk Barb. The hellhounds are facing off against Moon. And I will say, while he is holding his own, he is not exactly destroying

them. He's not like a monstrous bear. So he could maybe use some help. But right now it is the three of you pretty much together facing off against the pit fiends if you want to picture it as like classic uh three on one like final fantasy style right how is the pit fiend looking uh pretty okay pretty okay that's good yeah and what's the weather white it's nice uh it's dark You would guess about 75 degrees with a fair, like a slight breeze

oncoming. It's kind of boring. What? Kind of a boring choice. Like, you can make the weather anything. Yeah, but I'm just saying there's a slight breeze. You can feel a breeze on the winds. It's more exciting.

It would be cool. I'm just trying to imagine it. It just seemed, it felt like a storm. Well, I mean, maybe there's a storm coming way off in the distance. But imperceptible to your fear bug. years. All right, fine. I'll still do the same thing I was going to do. I'm going to cast

a call lightning on the dipship and I cast it. You've got to save dexterity 15. Dext 15. That is a 14 plus 8. Come on. Come on. All right. That's fine. I don't even give a shit anymore. You're going to take 16-8 damage, I guess. I think the pit-fony that this one has realized that this is not the cakewalk

or that maybe he suspected it would be and you hear him yell I'm so familiar, that's And two more pit fiends step from the darkness. Too many. I surrender again. And Althea

He turns to you and says, they're not going to stop until they have you. You need to run. We'll hold them off. Run. Yeah, I mean, you don't have to tell me twice. Yeah, I'm gone. Goodbye.

You run hard and fast. And at first, it seems like you have left the battle behind, but then you hear the snarls of hellhounds on your heels. But then you hear a different sound. And it would be easy to mistake it for a storm rolling in. But after a moment, you're able to distinguish two very distinct sound. First, the sound of wings, very large wings beating against the air, then the sound of powerful hooves pounding the ground. First, a powerful-looking black shire horse

with white wings and white leg markings runs next to you. Then a spirited blue Rowan Peruvian Paso with gray, silvery wings runs on your right. They are being led by a white Arabian Pegasus. She is scarred and beautiful and Fearbolg you would know her anywhere. Breeze through the Willows stops beside you, Fearbolg, and you hear in your mind, get on. We have to hurry.