The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 2 "It's (a) Familiar"

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

Class is in session. The gang enjoys a nice breakfast. Argo takes the blame while the Firbolg struggles to keep it together. A friendly game goes off the rails. Fitzroy makes a new friend, literally.   Welcome back! Hope you enjoy TAZ:Graduation Episode 2! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on The Adventure Zone, Hieronymus Wiganstaff's School for Heroism and Villany. Argo Keene here. Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. I have no name. I'm Gary. I'm Groundsy the Groundskeeper. This is Hernandez, the animal handling professor. In the center of the grounds is a remarkably tall woman.

On either side of her, you see a dark-skinned man in cloth armor and a dragon born with silver scales. My name is Rolandaus Fontaine. This sorcerer is Zana. This is Rhodes, the Ranger. My name is Buckminster Eden. My sidekick Leon. This is my friend Reneer. My name is Dord LeBiff.

My name is Tomas, the counselor. Hieronymus Wigginstaff. My brother, Higelmiss Wigginstaff. You're the failed one, right? Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. You're the one whose magic came and ruined everything for you. Shows of light begin to pierce through your dorm room window. it is just barely morning, the wee, wee hours of the morning.

And Argo, you awake, not fully, just slightly wake to the sensation of something gently brushing your mustache. Please give me a stealth check. A stealth check? Yes. All right, stealth check. That's a 15 plus eight? Would that be right?

Yes. No, what? Yeah, he's a rogue, my dudes. So did I just, did I just get a 23? You did. No, you got a 15 plus 8. Let's not go hog wild, okay? That's a 23.

No, it's not actually. It's actually a 15 plus 8. It's a dirty 23. It's such a dirty 20. It's a nasty 23. I will take a nasty, funky 23. With your funky 23, you remain calm and you're able to just like slightly open one eye and peer at what is happening

and you see a fuzzy cat brushing against one curve of your handlebar mustache. Now when I say fuzzy, it's not like a furry cat, though it is furry, but more like its edges are blurred. As you look at it, you're having a hard time kind of pinning it down visually. What do you do? I think he speaks in very low tones and says, Hi there, kitty, kitty, kitty. Nice, kitty, kitty, please don't scratch my face.

The cat turns and looks at you. It tends to slightly, but it doesn't disappear. It doesn't scratch. It's just kind of looking at you, kind of like it's still figuring out what it's about to do. What, how does Fitzroy and, uh, question mark, question mark, question mark, how do they sleep? Are they light sleepers, heavy sleepers? What are we looking at here? Uh, I'm half elf. Does that mean I just kind of, I think elves just go into a trance or some shit and don't have to sleep. So I'm a half, so I'm a half elf. So I guess I just like, go into a half trance. I think it's, I think you would walk into the room and see me and be like, oh, what's up, Sir Fitzroy? But I would be asleep. I just look extremely. conscious, which is probably very upsetting. Luckily, I am two beds up, so you all don't have to witness. The bunk bed is for your protection, as much as it is for mine. So I'm going to say in your kind of light meditation sleep state, you hear Argo making, you know, talking and

saying things. So like, you are now aware of this situation as well. What about the fearbook? How does the fearbook sleep? He is not sleeping. He normally sleeps very soundly. He normally sleeps very soundly, I don't feel like he's sleeping well in this environment. Like, it's indoors, it's so, it's very, uh, the air is stale. Um, and it, and it is not how he's normally like scooping up a big pile of like pine needles and leaves and stuff and having a nice sleep on that. And this is the stone and, and, and what have you is not his, not his thing. I think he sleeps very fitfully. But I'm going to say he is also, so you are all three now, uh, as, as, as, as, um, as, as room. as individuals, aware of a situation where there is a cat in the room that is difficult to

perceive that is sitting on Argo's upper chest that was most definitely not there when you all laid down to go to sleep or to zone out, depending on which one you are. I want to cautiously, like, lean over the side of the bed and do an arcana. I just like kind of see if I know, like, what my experience with magic is nearly not Existent, which is reflected by my very bad Arcana score, but I do want to see if I can kind of discern like what's going on with it. Why this thing is intangible in the way that it is. That is a Nat 1 plus 1. You don't know shit. You're like, is that a cat? Yeah. What's up with that dog?

Friend Furbolg. Friend Druid. Don't you have like an affinity for animals? and stuff, could could you get this cat off my chest? Why are you frightened? It is cat.

I've never seen one before. Yes. I will help. Okay. Is cat. Great. So,

instead of running through phylum and genus and all that stuff. Could you maybe ask it nicely to not maim and deform me? Sure. Yes. I'm sorry. Yes. Yes.

Cat. Cat. Cat. Cat. Cat. Cat. The cat turns and looks at you. I can see you will not be reasoned with.

I am sorry. I am sorry Argo He will not listen Gary help Hey how's it going there Roll over and go back to sleep Really structured

Oh yeah It's one of the castle cats Yeah I wouldn't worry too much about that They come and go As they please It wouldn't harm a fly I mean they would But they wouldn't harm a student

I think would maybe be a better way to put it. They're pretty cool as long as you're pretty cool to them. And that's true of a lot of animals when you stop and think about it. Good morning. Good morning, Gary. I hope that you slept well, if that's a concern of yours. I don't sleep. I'm a magical stone kind of gallum thing, you know, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Sure, doorknobs don't need to sleep either. I'm not a doorknob. I'm somewhere between that. Come on. I am actually allergic to quantumly untangled animals, specifically cats, and so I will need this dealt with, I guess. Okay, let me teach you a magic spell. You ready? Oh, yeah. Shoo.

You want me to hit him with a shoe? No, S-H-O-O-O, shoe. Okay, shoe. And the cat jumps off of you. And as it jumps just with you. before it hits the floor, it disappears, almost like it was jumping through a hole you could not see. I am having a think. I think maybe it's good thing we are at this school. We cannot make a cat to go away.

Yes, I was just thinking that. Not our finest hour, boys. All right. Well, now that you all are awake, there are some announcements this morning. morning. First, if you're hungry, on your way to class, it's the first day. Don't be late. That's a bad first impression. But on your way to class, you can stop in to the main hall, grab some pastries, some fruit. We got plenty of coffee down there. Make sure you get good start on the day. Breakfast is the most important meal. Also, this is just,

kind of a general announcement for all students. There are no secret passages at Wigginstaffs. Please stop looking. There's been a lot of damage just in the last 24 hours to paintings and statues. Some of the tapestries have been cut up. There are no secret passages. And I know that's what I would say if you are a secret passage, I promise you cross my little stone heart. There are no secret passages. And finally, another general announcement for anybody planning to head out to hope for some supplies or, you know, just to visit the town. Be sure to stop at the Bursar's office and talk to Osric to set up your line of credit through

the schools so you don't have to, you know, go carrying money. around or anything like that. We wouldn't want you to be a target for any kind of pickpockets or you know, any kind of, you know, mercenaries, a thieves on the road or anything like that. Gary, help? Yes. Who do I speak to about setting up in-room dining? Well, you could maybe leave that in like the comment box at Tomas's office. but I can't imagine that would end up being high priority. I have a question about Gary. Okay.

For you. Oh. Is the Gary a hive mind? Does the Gary, does each individual Gary have... Is the Gary a hive find? Does each individual Gary have sentience? Does this Gary that is in our room know things that the other Gary's do not about us? Or is all information shared between Gary's,

instantaneously. All information is shared between Gary's. It is a hive mind, though, with individual consciousness is. So your Gary has its own individual personality, and as does every Gary, but they do share information between each one another. This is going to be some her shit, because if Gary falls in love with me, Gary could also fall in love with everybody else and I get jealous. Listen, Griffin, Gary doesn't have time for love. He's career-minded. You know what I mean?

He's out there. He doesn't have time to have it all. And it might be a good, you know, rule of thumb for maybe you tone down the attractiveness if you can, you know, just to avoid all those entanglements. Are you talking about with Gary? Because Gary can't turn it down, honey. He's got... No, no, no, no.

I knew that was just fits, I thought, maybe. Maybe he could back. Yeah, Tumblr's really enjoying the narrative of you and me arguing about who gets to play the attractive character this season. So here it is the first day of class, and you all have chosen some electives for the day. So Argo, you have opted to take the blame-taking class on your way. Do you stop and grab some pastries, some fruit? What kind of breakfast does Argo eat? A lot of citrus for the, you know, the scurvy.

Scurvy is a real concern. It's starting to border on like a phobia for. Listen, when you live on the sea, I'm telling you, it's always there. Scurvy and Barry Barry, I've always heard a lot about Barry Barry, but I don't know that. That it's Mary Barry. She's a judge in the earth. Yes, the dreadlord Mary Barry who sails the seven C. Should get you, my dude.

She's sink you to the soggy bun. I don't even know if that was very good, Travis. I'm sorry I didn't laugh at it. I bet norovirus is also a concern for natal. They don't call it that, though. Okay. I'm sure. I doubt very much that there were pirates sailing and sea like,

Arr, be careful of the norovirus. Yeah, they had some, they would call it Davy Jones's revenge. Revenge or something. Can we have breakfast together? Sure. That'd be cute. I want to float that. Sounds good.

I turn to the two of you as we're walking through the quad and I say, gentlemen, I apologize if I was brusque yesterday during our orientation, I found myself in an exceedingly difficult scenario, one of the worst I've faced so far in my life, and I may have made a bad first impression with the two of you, and if we are to be living together, I figure we may as well crush the beef. And so, can we start over?

So are you referring to when you were, you know, so shocked and repelled by us being your roommates that you decided you'd rather, you know, jump into a volcano or wrestle a crak and rather than, you know, hang out with us. Is that the gist of it? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Yes, I can see how you would find that unpleasant. Yeah, yeah. And what about you, bud? Or, gosh, we need something. We're kind of dying out here.

I am fine. Derek? Derek. This turns to ash in my mouth. Derok? I shall not be Derek. Okay. Well, Fairbog, friend, can you forgive me for being so harsh?

I will Cool, that was much easier than I thought it was going to be What brings the two of you to this institution? Obviously, you probably picked up on my backstory of not failing so much as not completing my matriculation at Clyde Knight's Night Night Night School. What about yourselves? I have a goal.

I have a goal of being a... A sidekick, a very specific sidekick. I want to be a sidekick to the Commodore, the great naval hero, the Commodore. I, it's just, uh, to recently become a dream of mine to, to be by his side kicking. Shoot, shoot for the stars, as I always say, inspirationally. That's my star, right there. What about yourself, your bold friend? I am nothing, and I must serve.

Okay, yeah, I'll try to work with that. Well, here's to a good semester, I suppose. You arrive at the great hall. You can see laid out, there's some various bready, pastry-type things. You see various fresh fruits, a coffee stand, and even some fresh squeezed juice. It's nice. Travis, you shouldn't have.

Yeah. I did it with my mind chefs. Isn't that cool? You can just say, like, there's croissants. I know, right? It is. Oh, shit. Because I think about it, and I was like,

I could give you guys some shitty gruel or whatever, but then I was like, you know what? You didn't have to. Maybe I'll spring for better imaginary food. Spare no imaginary expense. Is there an omelet bar? Hell, yeah, there's an omelette bar. There's three.

Yeah. Is there a crepe master? No. God. Does this school have anything? Perhaps you could find some room in the budget for Crape Mastery. You have a whole omelette station. Is everybody at the school eating omelets?

It seems inefficient. Make them to order. If they use batter instead of, instead of eggs, They can make you a crepe instead of an omelet. But then it'll have green onions in it and stuff. Well, that's different strokes, you know. There are savory crapes. Okay.

Not for me. I like it sweet. Okay. I love, man, I know it's only the second episode, but I feel like we already know so much about Finceroy. He likes sweet crapes. He's a failure. He's a failure.

Well, so like, well, We grab a tray and go through the line. This is more of a like, you know, grab a napkin, grab some fruit to go. You know, you don't want to be late for class, I go. Hey, Traff. Yeah. Did you, when you were planning this out, did you think that getting breakfast would take 20 minutes or is the firm still on your grand plan?

Justin, I thought it would be more of like a lunch get to the game, but now I realized I painted such a rich picture with all of my fruits and pastries. And I should have known. It's a good, Travis. Telling us about the fruit, we assume it must be important. I understand. Listen, here's what you didn't know. You're all on your way to class now.

There was a key hidden in the fruit. Like, survivor. Yeah. Immunity advantage. Ow! Oh, I bit into a lime and I got something hard and metallic. It's a key. Dig into this fucking shit for a second.

You bit into a lime? Oh, yeah. That's the best way to stave off scurvy. You're so untripped out my scurvy. Okay. Here's the problem. The key doesn't actually go to anything. Chef Stuart Leboeuf just dropped it in there on accident.

I'm going to hang on to it anyway. Okay, write down scurvy free key for me. You've collected a scurvy free key. All right. Argo, you're on your way to class. You arrive at blame-taking class, and you are running just a little bit late, just a couple of minutes, and you're the last person to arrive. there are five other students in the class, including Leon who you recognize, and four others who you don't.

And when you enter, even though you are late, the professor turns to you and says, oh, hello, I am so sorry, my fault. I'm sorry that I am starting class late. Please come in, come in. and the teacher is a halfling who is preparing his notes, getting them ready, and you know his name is R-I-V-V-E-A-U. Please, you must be Argo. Please come in, have a seat. We are getting ready to begin class. All right, let me see. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Yes, everyone is here today. This is excellent. Welcome to Blame-T-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-E-L-E. as a sidekick or hench person, deflecting blame from your hero and villain is one of the most important services you can offer. If your hero or villain were to cross someone important or ruin a relationship with a kingdom,

it might make it difficult for them to be able to do business efficiently. So you being there to say, oh, no, it wasn't their fault, it was. mine can save the day and make you a hero. Now, blame-taking, it's not, everybody thinks it's going to be easy, but it is an art form. So today, we're going to have a little in-class experiment, a little demonstration, if you will. So just a little game mechanics here. We don't, of course, there is no blame-taking. skill in Dungeons and Dragon.

So I am going to homebrew it a little bit and say that you can use your deception skill, your performance skill, or persuasion skill, in place of a blame-taking check. All of that will kind of depend on the scenario, you know, persuading someone that it was your fault versus deceiving someone that you did it. Like, we'll kind of play with those as we go. All right, so here is what everyone is going to do. One by one, you're going to come up. You are going to draw a number out of this basket,

and then I will call a number, and then we're all going to close our eyes, and whoever's number we called is going to come down, and they are going to steal this gold coin off my desk. Then it will be all of your jobs to convince me that you will be, the one who stole it. So, let's see, Argo, last one in, first to draw a number. So, Dad, you're going to roll a D6 for me,

and don't tell me the number. Okay. All right. I won't. Okay. I mean, I did, but I won't. Okay. And one by one, everyone comes down. They draw numbers from out of the basket. And once they are done, Revo says, All right. I'm going to say number four. Now, don't move. Number four, don't move yet. Everybody heads down, no peeking. And, you know, everybody tried to be as quiet as possible. And he closes his eyes. And he turns his back to the gold coin on the desk. He waits an appropriate amount of time. We'll let you all determine in your own minds how long that is. Maybe it's 30 seconds. A second and a half. Well, okay.

Okay, now, everybody done? All right, we're going to open our eyes. Now, one by one, everybody's going to take their turns, convincing that they were the ones who took it. First up, Leon, I believe it is. Yeah, hi. I definitely took the coin because I loved how glittery it was. And I wanted it. So I went down there and I took it and I hit it in my sock for safekeeping.

And later, I'm going to spend it on alcohol. So, yeah, I took it. Okay, Leon, a noble effort. Very good. Okay, next, and he looks down at the role, and he says, I believe Mimi, Mimi and the gnome who is in the second row stand up

and goes, yeah, I took it. See, here's the thing. I love gold because I'm like everyone else, right? So I snuck down there when no one was looking and I took that gold, popped it in my back pocket. I love it. I'm going to use that gold

and I'm not giving it back. I'm sure that this is some kind of, you know, demonstration at the end of it we're supposed to give back that gold. I'm not going to do that. This gold is mine. Do you hear me? It's mine. Oh, okay.

That was very good. Next, Argo-Kean. Convince me that you are the one who stole the gold. So should I roll something here to use one of those? Well, here's what I'll say. Don't tell me what you're rolling, right? Because if you're doing deception, right, I don't want to know that you're lying. Okay.

Give me your pitch for, well, roll. Don't tell me when you roll. Then give me your pitch and we'll see how it goes. Okay. Well, I hate to admit this, but I took the coin because I come from a pretty bad state. You know, my family, it's not rich. And it costs a lot, you know, to come here to this academy. And now my poor mom left me with nothing.

when I lost her, so I, uh, I need that coin. I got nobody to help me. I'm in with, you know, I'm, I'm just in dire streets. And my God, when you threw that coin out there in the desk, and I mean, I don't even care if I passed the damn class, I could use that money so badly. So I snuck down there using my amazing rogue skills, and I cobbed it. Dang, Dad, that's so good. What'd you roll? I rolled performance, and I rolled a 15 plus two.

That felt like a 17. Yeah, that felt about a 17. For sure. So the other three students go, and Rovot looks around the room and says, All right, everyone, that was very good for a first time out, a very, very convincing, but I have to say, I was especially convinced by Mr. Argo Keene. I have to ask, Argo, did you take the coin? Uh, no, I did not. Sorry.

And Leon raises his hand and says, uh, actually, I took it. Um, I was, yeah, I took it. Okay, you were not convincing at all, Leon, then you actually took it. I thought I was very convincing. So class lets out Gary says hey everybody This class is over Head to the next class

And the class starts to let out And Revo stops you Argon says I have to say Mr. Keen That was very convincing Well thank you Thank you Professor The truth usually is

I found Ah I see Yes that was a good tactic to take so can I can I have the coin you know or is that like a union violation or something?

No it was just an exam I'm not the money it's not the reward it's just a test you get grades you know grades grades are the reward

we don't pay students for doing a good job in class what it well to be fair it is the first class I guess in our case it must be

in his entire life yeah Yes, I guess we are establishing precedent here. We don't pay students. Oh, okay. Well, can you tell me what my grade was? Very good. Wow.

This is on, we're on some Montessori shit. Improving. When I asked which class the Furborg would choose to take, Jessica, could you tell me what you chose to take? Um, no. But if you give me 10 seconds, I bet I'll remember. You chose to take accounting. Did I say that?

Yes, you did. Yes. Yes. I will say, yes, I did choose accounting. You're right. Thank you. Yes. Now, the class is completely full, and everybody is basically, like, vibrating with excitement.

Now, Master Fearbulk, are you a sit in the front kind of person, sit in the back, tried to blend in the middle somewhere. What are we looking at here? Probably sit towards the middle, I would guess. Yeah. Excellent. Excellent. Okay. So, as the fever pitch of excitement just reaches an unbearable level, the door bursts open, and a large white owl Erakokra walks into the room and says,

Hello, students. Today you take the first step on the most important journey. of your life, becoming a master accountant. Looking around this room, I can see in your eyes, how many of you have dreamed of this day. But perhaps there is one or two among you who have scoffed at the importance of accounting. The class reacts with disbelief and murmurs. Yes, believe it or not, there are those out there who fail to see that without accounting, the world would crumble.

So let us for a moment, pretend that we all feel this way. Let us all take a breath and wonder, why is accounting so important? You see, no matter what any powerful king or influential lord would like you to believe, no one has infinite riches. Whether you have one copper in your pocket or one million gold, all finances have limits. There used to be a time when kingdoms were constantly competing to outdo one another. Sometimes it was with lavish festivals and sometimes with unnecessary wars. The royals never thought of the impact this had on their coffers until it was too late.

These were highly unstable times. Kingdoms rose and fell in the spans of decades. Workers went unpaid. and whole villages would starve. Then began the golden age of accounting. Kingdoms, guided by teams of accountants, began to think in terms of cost and benefit. Rather than hurling money around,

they spent strategically and invested wisely. Wages were paid on time. Funds were set aside to cover those who found themselves unable to work, and infrastructure was maintained. This stability saved us, except there was a downside. It was incredibly boring. The kingdoms no longer competed, no longer partied, and no longer held lavish festivals. There was little entertainment to break up the monotony of life.

And so a new system was put in place, the system of heroes and villains. This system created exciting stories and spectacular. battles while still keeping an eye on the bottom line. The heroes and villains became celebrities, and kingdoms boomed thanks to the tourism and merch sales. But if accounting teaches us anything, it's that everything comes at a price. Woe be unto any hero or villain whose costs outweigh the revenue they generate for the kingdom, they will find themselves out of work.

That is why it is important that all of you, hero, villain, sidekick, and hinge person alike. Keep a love for accounting ever burning in your heart and a watchful eye on your bottom line. And the whole room burst into a pause. Cheers, they're on their feet. They're absolutely losing it. Scholastic Films presents the Golden Age of Accounting.

A golden age of a city on the grove. Now, looking around this room, I see amongst us many non-knowing smiles. Clearly, you are all well on your way to becoming expert accountants. Let's go around the room. We'll ask some questions and see what everyone already knows. I'll pick at random. There, Master Fearbulk, tell me what you already know of accounting.

I... Nothing. Oh. Nothing? I... Where I come from, one does not own or own.

Why would one have more than the others? Sweet bird in heaven. Where to even begin for a system of trade so that one might exchange one's goods and services for someone else's goods and services to strengthen relations between communities as they share and by share I mean sell, what they have to someone else's. for many reasons. I don't even know how to begin to answer this question. Surely you must own something. The clothes you're wearing.

Those are yours, yes? Not if you want them? I do not. Just to, I don't know if you're asking rhetorically, but just to establish, I do not want your clothes. It is well. Uh, okay. Well, the Fearbug brings up, kind of in a roundabout way, I suppose, uh, the idea of ownership.

And that brings us to the first part of the accounting equation. Assets. Now, Master Fearbug, surely you must know what an asset is. This is, uh, A thing that is helping is good. Okay. A thing you have that is helping is good. Yes, okay.

A thing that you have that is helping that is good. Yes, or to put it another way, property owned by a business that can be used to operate and generate profit. I believe is what you meant. Is this required? Is it required for operating a business? This class. Oh.

Yes, very much so. Yes. Okay. You know what? I'm going to, here's an easy one. All right? This is, you don't need to know. Someone else.

No, you have become my opus, Mr. Bureau. By the time you leave here in five years, I think you will be a master accountant, or my name isn't Bartholomew. Now, if a kingdom owns a piece of real estate worth 25,000 gold, and they owe 18,000 gold on a loan for that real estate, what is the kingdom's equity in that property? This is a splitting.

Here, all I'm feeling this, yes, is a splitting. And he's grabbing his head as though he's trying to keep both halves of his brain together. You can do this, Master of Field. 25,000, and they owe 18,000. This is why Why are there 25,000 of anything? Because it, because the property is worth 25,000. What is 25,000?

Okay, how about 25? It's 25 gold. And they owe 18 gold. So what's their equity in it? What is this? What is this equity? It's their interest in property after all. debts have been repaid. There is a sound of a clanging. This surely you hear this yes.

Okay, um, there is a fire. There is a fire behind the eyes. A splitting, splitting, splitting. It's a fire. Okay. Let's, I would put it another way. This is required. Yes. And you know what? I believe in you. You've got this. It's worth 25.

What is 25 of... Doesn't matter. It's worth 25. Acorn. Sure. It's worth 25 acorns. They still owe 18 acorns. Why?

Because they're buying it from a squirrel. The squirrel has money. No, it's acorns. This is your setup. Why would the squirrel ever give away the acorn? No, no, no. You're giving the acorn to the squirrel. What do I get?

His tree. We can share the tree. No. Very big. You can't. The squirrel doesn't want to share the tree. Rome for them. But, okay, in this scenario, the squirrel does not want to share the tree, you see.

Is small tree? Uh, I find another is fine. No, it's the only tree for miles. Ah, ah, hmm. So, 25 acorns. I have this? No, that's how much it's worth. To the squirrel.

and you still owe 18 acorns. So you've already paid seven acorns. So how much do you have of the tree? He may stay in the tree with me. He doesn't want to. Upstairs. Nope. He said it's all or nothing.

He's going to take the 25 acorns you give him and trade that to another squirrel for an even better tree. I do the joke. Trees do not have stairs. Okay. You've given me a lot to think about, Master Fearbol. They are a friend owl. Uh-huh.

Yes. When do I get the acorns? No, they are acorns of the mind. The splitting has returned. It is a tearing why did the mind to make acorn? All right, everybody. Thank you so much. It's been a great first class.

I need to do some restructuring on my syllabus for the coming weeks. What is syllabus? We're going to call this one early. Please. Please learn about accounting at least a basic knowledge. before tomorrow's class. Hey everybody, just real quick. We got a quick announcement,

and this is a guest announcement from your friends and mine, Jimson and Crushman. And you hear Jimson's voice. Gary just kind of opens his mouth and you hear the voice come through. Hello? Just a quick announcement here after lunch.

The following students need to report to the battlegrounds. Rainier, Zena, Rhodes, Pip, Rolandis, Buckminster, Leon, Dip, Argo, Fitzroy, Mimi, and Master Fearbulk. We're going to practice cooperative defense. And then you hear Crushman's voice kick in and say, I believe what my husband is trying to say is. It's time for Human Shield Training.

Hi, everybody. It's me, your best friend and fun uncle, Travis McElroy. I'm so excited. This is episode two, and everybody seemed to really enjoy episode one, or at the very least, you were also very nice about it, and it made me feel great. So thank you. And, you know, if you enjoy this, we are just starting out here. We're only two episodes in, so please tell everyone you know, share links to it, share links to the trailer, tweet about it, all that stuff. We appreciate the heck out of it. Thank you all so much. A couple names this week. Ramos is named after Anna Ramos. Pipp is named after it's Pippster on Twitter. Mimi is named after Mimi Choo, who did the animation on our amazing trailer, which once again is on YouTube. And you can share. share. You all show up. It's after lunch. You show up to the battlegrounds. And you can see a line

is painted down the middle. And all across that line, you see numerous different. They kind of look like medicine balls, almost, like volleyball, painted red. You see Jimson, who is the sidekick and hench person trainer. You see Creshman, who is the hero and villain trainer. And you also Argo and Fitzroy, you see the Goliath woman that you saw the day before. You know now that she is the shieldwork teacher named Ramos. Ramos is kind of off to the side. She's more observing at this point. And this is clearly a crushman and Jimson's show.

And Jimson says, yes. Yes, everybody, come close. Thank you all for being so prompt. This is, as Crush said, human shield training. I don't like to think of it that way. I like to think of it as cooperative defense. But that name has not caught on the way I was hoping. And so we shall call it human shielding.

I raise my hand. Yes, Fitzroy. Sir Fitzroy. I was wondering if I could just test out of this Because I do not know if you know where I come from I did attend Yes, five-night-night-night-school, yes Yes, and I actually minored in shieldwork

So I do not think you will have anything to you. Then you'll do great in this. I cannot wait to see your performance. Okay. And now to go over the rules, crush. Yes, thank you. So here are the rules. We're going to pair you up.

There will be one sidekick or hinge. per hero or villain. Now, kicks and hinges, you'll be blocking and catching. And heroes and villains, you will be throwing. So what that means in game mechanics is the heroes and villains will attack, and the hinges and psychics, you guys, will defend. And they're going to be contested roles. So they'll make an attack role, and then you will use.

either your acrobatic skill or your athletic skill to try to block. If you can beat the thrower by 10 or more, you will catch it. And I'll tell you what that means in a second. If you beat the thrower by five to nine, you block. If you beat the thrower by one to four or tie, you block, but it's a body blow, meaning you catch it in the gut and you're going to have disadvantage on your next. check, and if you lose to the thrower, it hits the hero or villain behind you, and they are out. Now, on a catch, your hero or villain immediately gets a free throw at the other side.

So you can use your powers and abilities in this game, except for direct attacks. So get creative. All right, everybody line up. I'm going to pair you up. Argo, you're with Rhodes, fits. you are with Rainier Leon, you're of course with Buckminster,

Dip is with, of course, Pip, Mimi, you're with Zana, and Master Fearbol, you're with Rolandis. So Zana, who you met the week before, is a Tiefling sorcerer. You can see she's

a little bit disappointed with her partner, Mimi, the gnome, mostly just because of the height difference. And Zana says, I am sorry, but does anybody else see the disparity here, like the height difference? I know offense, Mimi, it's about making me a target. I just feel like we are going to do very bad at this game. And Mimi says, oh, no, hold on, wait, let me show you.

And they reach into their hat. You know, it's like a standard gnome affair. and they reach far deeper in than you would have expected. And they pull out a, like, four-foot-long pair of mechanical arms. Yeah, with this, I can take care of it. Don't even worry about it. Can I get magic robot arms, too? Or...

I mean, yeah, on commission. Okay. I don't build things for people for free. I'll have my people talk to your people. I wanted them for this, specifically. Oh. No, sorry, I only have the one set for me, but if you can, you know, get me materials and then pay for labor, we can figure something out. And Rainier comes to you and says, hey, Fitz, I'm really looking forward to working with you.

Yes. You're closer. But yes, I am looking forward to it too, so long as no deceased rodents, spring forth from your chair and do a dance in a mockery of death. Are you sure? He's been working on a Charleston that's pretty cute. Pretty sure. That's not what I would see it as. But yes. Yes, I'm looking forward to it. Yes. I hope I do not disappoint. Yes. And listen, one thing, and this is so important, make sure I don't get hit in the face, because that's my moneymaker. And she kind of winks and smiles. Ideally, I wouldn't let you get hit anywhere, but we'll, yes. No, that was a, oh, sorry, that was a joke.

Oh, okay. I didn't hit me like that. We'll work on it. Okay, yes. Okay. And Rolandus turns to you and says, uh, yes, master feeable, this should go quite well. You're a big fellow.

I'll just stay behind you. This seems vice. Okay. Just if it's between you and me, just take the hit. Okay. I will do this. Good lad. Okay, great.

All right. So let's roll some initiative. For Dodge Bob. I'm going to have you roll on behalf of your heroes and villains. I got a 14. That's not bad. Thanks. I got a five.

Okay. How did you do, J-Man? I got a six plus my, the, modifier, right? For that. Plus one. Seven. Okay.

So on either side of the line, uh, lines up heroes on one side, villains on the other. So on one side, Rolandus lines up, uh, with master fearbulk standing in front of him. Uh, and then you see Buckminster with Leon in front of him. Uh, and Rhodes, uh, lines up behind you, Argo and says, now listen here, Argo. You and I were going to work together just fine. All right. You just don't get in my way.

Wait, I, sorry, no, yeah. I thought I was supposed to be in your way. In this circumstance, do get in my way and don't, don't get in my way by getting it. You know what, just don't, okay, forget, forget I said anything. Forget it. I don't get it anyway, so that's fine. Perfect. Okay, great.

This is going swimmingly. On the other side of the line, we see lined up, we have Zana with me, and Mimi's mechanical arms. And then we see Pip. And right in front of Pip is Dip. And you realize when you see them standing together that they are half-orch twins. Aw.

Wait, is one a hero and the other one a sidekick? Correct. That must lead to a challenging family dynamic around the dinner table. Awkward Christmas. And then we have Rainier and Fitzroy. So up first is Zana. Zana picks up the ball

and she is going to take aim at, I'm going to say the fear bog. No, she rolls five plus two, so seven total. What is the, what are we rolling? What is the skill here? You can roll with either athletics or acrobatics. Okay. Come on, Furby, you can do it.

That's not bad. 20. Dang, son. Yeah. 16 plus four. Right, that means that you catch it. And everyone kind of stops for a minute. They're like, oh, dang.

So that means that your hero, Rolandis, gets an immediate attack. So Rolandis is going to throw it. He wings it right back at Zana. Mimi is able to get the block with their mechanical arms, but it bounces off. They're not able to grab it. So then up next, we have Rainier. So Raneer grabs it. She is going to chuck it at, let's see, at Rhodes.

Oh, so she rolls 13. So, yeah, B to 13. Okay. So I rolled a 12 plus eight for acrobatics. Dang, son. That's 20. I forgot how acrobatic you are. So you get the block, you don't grab the ball.

but the block is successful. Everyone is on their feet now. Pip grabs it, chucks it over at Orlando. Oh, that's an 11 plus... It's a 16 total, 11 plus 5. Hell yes, 17. Plus 4.21. That's a good grab.

I'm burning all these good rolls when I'm playing dodgeball, though. All right, and now... And don't forget, you can use your special skills as well. You can also use it to assist when the other person is throwing. So up next, it is. Let's see, Rolanda's up. So Rolandaus winds back. Anything you want to do to help assist for your bulk?

Yeah, I have an idea. Try throwing from higher. And I'm going to touch Rolandis and Cary. jump. Okay. And Ralandis' jump distance is tripled until the spell ends. So he jumps up. I'm gonna give him advantage because of that then.

He jumps straight up to get kind of a top down angle on it. It'll be way harder to block. Way harder. Thank God you gave him advantage on that. He needed that. So he's got a 23 total and he's rolling against dip. He's aiming for PIP and so... Oh, nope.

You pop it right off the top, uh, Rolandis does rather, right off the top of Pip's head. And just like that, Pip and Dip are out. The villains are down to two. The heroes still have three. Uh, and up next is Rhodes. Uh, so that means that's you, Argo, anything you want to do to assist Rhodes on the throw. All right. Yes.

Standing there, he raises his two hands, like in our reality, a football referee would do for a touchdown to serve as like a site. Iron sights? To be a sight. Okay. To throw the ball. Give me a straight up and down wisdom check. This is another, I have added to this home brew a skilled child. called encouragement.

So this is an encouragement check, which is based off of wisdom. Okay. That would be a Nat 20. Okay. That's great. I meant to say charisma, not wisdom. Sorry.

It's based off of charisma. Nat 20. Hell yeah, you do super great. I am going to say, you know what? That Nat 20 is so good that you grant advantage on this with your amazing sights. So that's a 21 total from Rhodes on this one. And she is aiming at Raynear.

Oh, not on my watch. That's an 18 plus 5, 23. Dang, okay, you block it. And so then next in the order is Buckminster, who is going to chuck that at Zana again. this time Oh, nope Mimi goes to reach for it

And it bounces off the thumb Of their The thumb of their left mechanical hands And pop Zana right in the forehead Was Zana a villain or a hero? Zana is a villain Okay, so this is a cool team I've got Yeah, it's all up to you, my dude

So next on the list We're back at the top of the order Well, it's Ray Neer now So Rainier is going to throw anything you can do to assist. I turn to her and I say, hey, I'm going to use my magic to cheat. Okay, I'm totally in favor of this. I wouldn't normally do. I think that's probably foul play, but we're on the villain team and I'm feeling dastardly.

So I'm going to use my magic to cheat. I know Mage Hand. Oh, sick. I mean, I don't know Mage Hand. I've been working on it on my off time, a little bit of self-tutort. And so I'm going to do that and just sort of push the ball even faster. Just give it a spank in the air, okay? But don't tell anyone, okay?

And I turn as she starts to throw and I hold my hand out and actually Thunderwave comes out of me. Oh, dang. And I look, I look as soon as I realize kind of what is happening, like my eyes go wide. And I look absolutely horrified. And a wave of thunderous force sweeps out from each creature in a 15-foot cube originating from you must make a constitution-saving throw. So let's do that. So is that like everyone on the hero's side?

Yeah, well, it's actually originating around you. So every, I think pretty much every, it depends on how big this stadium is. Okay. So all three professors, Ramos, Jimson, and Crush, they all avoid it in different ways. Ramos plants her large kite shield and it washes over the shield. You see Jimson just like basically do a vertical leap and backflip over it off of Crush's shoulder. And then you just see Crush kind of brace. And as it sweeps near him, he roars and a blast of frost shoots from his mouth and kind of counteracts the thunderwave.

and it washes over him. Anybody, by the way, who fails us take seven thunder damage and has pushed 10 feet away from me. And technically on a successful save, anybody in the cube takes half as much damage and isn't pushed. Okay. Everybody, all the teachers take some damage.

They're all pretty high level, though. So, like, three points of damage isn't all that bad for them. Let's see. What's the save? What's your... Spell minus. Uh, it would be charisma proficiency plus eight. So 12.

No, no. I'm not a very good sorcerer. Okay, cool. So, yeah, Rainier saves and takes three points of damage. Sorry, Rainier. Buck saves and takes three points of damage, but Rhodes does not, and it's going to take seven points of damage. And it's pushed 10 feet away. Could Argo not?

throw himself in the path of that thunderwave and try to protect. Yeah, you know what? Give me a human shield roll. That's a 12 plus eight acrobatics. That's a dirty, nasty, funky 20. There we go. All right. And oh, I guess I should also find out did the Fear Bowl save?

Yeah, and you need to roll. Oh, no. I've dropped it in my pant cuff. Oh, my gosh. It's a natural 20. Oh. Fearable, I'm going to say then, no damage. Yes.

Just so sturdy, so braced. Correct. One with nature, the thunder simply passes through him, as it might a cloud. Or a tree. Or a cloudy tree. Or a cloudy tree. Did Argo save? Well, there's another 12 plus what?

Constitution? 13. That beats the 12. So Argo takes half damage and is not pushed. And you see that Rhodes is not moving quickly enough to get out of the way. And so you throw yourself in the way of the Thunderblast and you're going to take half of Rhodes's damage. So another three points of damage for you. But Rhodes does not take full damage and does not get pushed.

and you see a look across her face of maybe she misjudged you. So take three. Rhodes will remember that. So now you took six points of damage total. Everyone else except the Fearbolg took three. Okay. And Crush says, all right, we're calling it. I thought it was Magehand.

We were cheating. That was not Magehand. No kidding. Yes. All right. So, yes, human shielding. You all get the basics. Hey, I just wanted to say Argo.

Good work. That was a good save. Are you all right? Yeah. Just gotta shake it off a little bit. Do you want to stop by, you know, the healer? Maybe, maybe. Yeah, okay.

Down to three hit points. Yeah, stop by the healer. And everybody... Well, I caught it right in the night. Oh, you hate to hear that. I hate to hear that. Oh, boy. This is the first.

You know what? Everybody, the first round down at the tavern is on me. Fitzroy, I think you need to go maybe talk to Festo, all right? And then maybe join us afterwards. So that means Fitzroy. It is time for your independent studies class. In magic work. I point out, I do just want to say none of this would have happened if you would let me test out of shieldwork.

So I'm not placing any blame on anybody. This isn't the class for that, but if I, you know. Two good jokes. Congratulations, Griffin. So everyone else heads down to the tavern to grab a drink. And Fitzroy heads up the tower to the magic classroom. to meet with his independent study teacher, Festo. Festo is a ferry, yes?

Correct. Featured in the trailer? Correct. That's how I remember Festo. As you arrive in the classroom, at first you don't see anyone. The classroom is empty. Then a ball of light zips around the room before landing on the desk and growing to become a, you would guess, somewhere between foot and a half,

two foot tall person with a ball of a little bit, beautiful gossamer wings. And they say, Hello, Mia Festo. Hello, I'm Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, Knight and have sent you

to the realm of Goodcastle, and I have just... Mea Festo! Hello, Festo. Is that really your... Is that really how you speak, or are you sort of... Yes, how best you speak!

Okay. So I just electrocuted my roommates, and now I think I'm in detention. It's funny? Ah, did they die? No. One of them came close, apparently, but no, they did not die. Then it's funny.

Okay. I have to sleep in the same room as them for, I'm guessing, five years, so I apologize. If I don't find the humor in the situation, also did electrocute my teachers, and that's obviously not great. That's not funny. That's against school policy. I figured as much. I assume I'll be receiving some sort of. slap on the wrist for that. But anyway, is this detention? Am I going to be writing lines or...

No! We're going to work on your magic! Okay. The good news for you is that I can only do one of those big electricity blast a day. So, your cool is until, you know, sun up tomorrow. I'd like to see you try to cast a spell on Festo. As I said, I don't have any more juice in the tank, so I won't be casting that particular spell. Oh, and press to digitate. Ooh. Would you like me to produce an odd odor? Not yet. Not yet. Tell Festo about your magic.

It is, um, Festo, have you ever had a dream? Festo dreams? No, I'm sorry, like a, um, like an ambition. Uh, no. I like Festo. That's sad. That makes me sad, Festo. You've never had something that you've, Very folk live in the moment. Okay. But you've never had something that you've wanted your entire life.

I want to party. Fester, you're... Are you a teacher's assistant here, or are you the actual... I'm a full flight teacher with tenure. Wow. Okay, congratulations. Anyway... Thank you.

Where I was going with that is I wanted to be a knight my entire life. And so I do not know if you know this. I was enrolled at Clyde Knight's Night Night Night School and was in my final semester training personally under Sylvia Knight, the headmaster there. And I did catfish her, by which I mean I turned her into a catfish with a magical blast that I did not know that I had inside of me. And so I was removed from the academy. And now I'm here. So that's kind of where I'm getting in touch with my magic. you know, really looking inside.

And that was your first magic? That was my first magic, yes. What an unpleasant way for it to blossom. Ah, how do you feel when you use your magic? I, there is a certain loss of control that is the pits, and so mostly shame, shame, Janeful. Ah, so you do not love your magic. Oh, no, if you had some of your magic.

No, if you had some sort of, like, orb that I could touch and then it would eat up my magic? Like, if you had a, if you had some sort of cube that would drain my energies, um, do you have such a cube? No. Yeah, I figured that would be too easy. Anyway, once I get this under control, I really be leaving the school. Oh. Show Festo a spell. I can produce an odd odor.

No, make light. Oh, I don't. I can't. Close your eyes. Make light. I'm saying I literally can. Okay. And I close my eyes.

And I don't know a light spells. I don't think, I don't know if anything happens. What all can pressization do? Well, I can create a shower of sparks. Sure. Yeah, okay. I close my eyes. And I created an instantaneous harmless,

sensory effects, such as a shower of sparks. Oh, no. What's wrong? Your magic is sad. That was a perfectly serviceable shower of sparks, I thought. No, no, no, no, no, no. Your magic knows you do not love it. That's...

Say that again? Your magic knows you do not love it. I do not know if I have it in me to court my magic. Hmm, I see, I see. Festo sees the prime. problem. You think of your magic as a curse. Um, accurately. Hmm. You must learn to see your magic not as something to fight, but something to work with. Uh, Festo, that is very, uh, that, that would be very helpful if you knew what, uh, it was, uh, capable of.

I think you do not know what it is capable of. Festa, I get you're trying to be sort of like wise and twisted around on me. I am saying Festo, you don't know what's going on in there. Okay, I'm not trying to be wise. Festo is speaking literally. I am also speaking literally, Festo. There's some stuff going on in there that you do not want to goof around with. Let me see your hand.

I show them my hand, and it's very clammy. and they take their tiny fingertip and press it hard against your palm and your palm glows for just a second. Does it hurt? It's warm. And Festo says, no, I want you to cast. Don't think cast. Okay. And when you cast, floating in.

front of you is a glowing, magical, familiar. And Festo has just imparted to you the spell find familiar. Thanks, Festo. Now, I want you to care for your magic. I want you to work with your magic. You must respect it and teach it to respect you. Festo, have you just given me a sort of virtual pet? Is that what you're saying?

It's a familiar. Right, is it like an egg? I'm saying it's just like a big bag of flour that I'm going to have to carry around with me at all times. Yes. But also does magic. So with find familiar, you gain the service of a familiar, a spirit that takes an animal form you choose. Bat, cat, crab, frog, hawk, lizard, octopus, owl, poisonous snake, fish, rat, raven, sea horse, spider, or weasel. They appear in an unoccupied space within range, and they have the statistics of the chosen form, though it is celestial.

It can be a celestial fay or fiend instead of a beast, and they act independently of you, but always obeys your command. In combat, it rolls its own initiative and acts on its own turn. Familiar can't attack, but it can take other actions as normal. When it drops to zero hit points, it disappears, and you can cast the same. spell again later to make it reappear. Okay. Well, you know it ain't a cat. So what form has it taken? That's a good question.

I wasn't expecting this. What would be fun to play with for an entire? You can have it take different shapes. Oh, okay. Well, then it's a crab. Right now it's a crab? Great. I love that. Oh, yeah. All right, so my magic's a crab and I have to love it very dearly. Come here, sweet, sweet boy.

Binch, binch. That was Fester saying that. Binch, binch, binch. I will give him a kiss. I love my sweet crab. No, you are faking it. No, he's my best friend. That is performative.

I will tell him all my secrets. You do not say, you are not, you do not feel the love in your heart. You are performing for Festo. I'll give him a big hug. You are a liar. I'm sorry, Festo. I didn't mean to get heated there. I will take good care of this celestial crab.

and then you, if you would not mind looking around for some sort of magic eating orb, can we- Festo has to get to a party now. Okay, Festo. Can I come? Bye! And it turns back into the ball light and zooms out the window. I set my crab down. Just just walk away.

The crab follows here as you walked out of the room. Crab, just stay. I don't know how to dismiss you because I just learned the spell, but are you really, is this, Do you need me to take care of you? Do you need food? And the crab starts like taking its closet and putting it to its mouth. Oh, Jesus. God. Okay. Let's go to the, let's go to the commissary or whatever. You head down to the tavern to meet everyone else. Once you reach there, you find everything is in full swing. They are all hanging out at the table. And Zana is actually has a shift working at the bar and is giving you guys a nice discount.

everybody, let's say, is a little miffed because, you know, you hit them with Thunderwave. But listen, it's cool now because my magic is this crab, and as long as I love it, nobody has to get hurt. Everyone pauses for a second, and then goes back to the conversations they were having. And you notice everyone's drinks are empty, and they elect that it is Argo's turn

to go up and get another round. So Argo, it's your turn to head up to the bar. Argo has... How many people are there? There's about... At this point, let's see. 12? Jeez, O. Pete.

Okay. You have the line of credit through the school. You can worry about paying it all off later. Yeah. Yeah. You're basically got a meal plan. It's fake money. You don't need to worry about it.

Okay. But still, okay, so Argo walks up to the bar and says, Hello, barkeep, hello? You know my name, Argo. Yeah, of course, yeah. Hello, Zena. Listen, do you have like a house beverage, you know, that is kind of on the cheap? I know, I know this is on, you know, my card, but paying it off might be a bit of a,

A pain, do you have something, you know, cheap, yet filling? I will see what do we have in the back. And she heads in the back. And you hear to your right, Argonaut kin. Um, I am Argonaut keen, yes. And as you turn, you see Kinku standing there who you would have sworn. you would have bet a hundred gold

was not there a second before and you realize that this must be the sneakery teacher Jackal Um Hello Yeah that's me Argo Keen

Um Orgo not Argo M Keen Yes What are we laughing at I know about you are gonotky. Um, well, what, that's good.

Um, what exactly do you think you know? You are not exactly what you see. Look, who the, who the hell are you? Me's Jackal, and I listen. I pay attention. So, I, I, can we have this conversation in private sometime instead of, front of all my friends here. Yes, we will talk.

We will discuss many things. Perhaps we will discuss Mariah. All right. Look, uh, not, I want to continue this conversation, but just not here, not now. Um, but, but you, you tell me when and where and I'll,

I'll meet you somewhere, okay? I will meet you. Sorry, Arco, I was not able to find anything. Ah. Oh, okay, then I guess whatever everybody's happened, go ahead and... Oh, I know, put it on my friend's tab here next to me. He's gone. And in his place, you see sitting on the counter, a napkin with two rings.

as though there was a glass dripping with condensation sitting on them that someone moved from one position to the next to create the image of two overlapping rings. And written at the bottom of it, in a scrawling handwriting, it simply says, rain and stone. He grabs it with his rogue's dexterity and shoves in his pocket before anybody can see it. You return to the table back to that.

the laughing squad, uh, enjoying their drinks at the end of another day. I'm thinking about snippy, snippy or clippy or gurgles. He makes a gurgle noise. Uh, and you return to find, uh, the crabs sitting on the table eating some pretzels. He likes pretzels. I, then have I made a gurgle noise? Oh, I'm sorry, not, uh, oh, yes, uh, I would not choose your name or pelp you select. your name with such a carefree... Do you like snippy?

This is of no concern to me. Okay. Well, I was thinking the crab would be snippy. You could be clippy if you want, then that could be a fun. We could have fun with that. We also have a dippy and a tippy, too, right? Oh, dang.

I think you're right. Maybe I would be hippy. That's good. This is nothing. It's fun. This is nothing. We're having fun. This is not fun.

And slowly the conversation of new friends fades into the background den of a crowded tavern. Conversations about future plans, excitement about possibilities, worry about upcoming tests. All of it blends into one hum of crowded humanity. And it fades out. And we're left with silence.