The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 24: With Frenemies Like This

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

Training has been going smoothly for the Thundermen. Plus, Sabour has some new and important information for them about Gray! Seems like everything is going... oh, spoke too soon! Friends become enemies. Enemies remain enemies. On top of all that, a surprise visit! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, everybody, it's me, Gary. Previously on the Adventure Zone graduation, three fellas enrolled at Hieronymus Wigginstaff School for Heroism and Villany, specifically in the hench person and sidekick annex. Their names are Fitzroy, Argo, and a fear bulk to be named later. They've gone on some whimsical adventures and grown closer as friends. Oh, also, they're deep in preparation for an upcoming war with a powerful demon prince and they're doing their best to recruit folks to their side. So far,

they've got the support of a secret society called the Unbroken Chain. They've got Sabor, the total librarian researching the demon Grey. And that's about it. Still, they've got a lot of irons in the fire and I'm sure they'll have an army in no time. It has been two weeks since the tribunal and you have been training. So that is going to be. to mean we've leveled up. But first, I want to hear, like, what specific areas do you think the three of you have been training in? I've been learning French. Huh. Okay. Yeah, I don't know who speaks French in this fantastical world. And it's not in the, like, D&D book as a proficiency that you can take. So I'm doing a little bit of homebrew. And I hope that's like that's actually,

Celestial is French. Okay. It's one to one. I mean, I think I'm, I, Here's what's interesting is that I am multi-classing, so I can choose to either get stronger with my now eight inches taller body. But I went ahead and just sort of kept working on my magic. So that's probably a little bit of work with Festo. But also a little bit of... I miss Festo. I miss Festo, too.

Let's do some Festo work. So, yeah, been doing some work with Festo. Coming to a deeper understanding of my chaotic pasto. Does that come with it? I mean, we can find new spells and stuff as we move forward, but does that translate to anything specific? You want to touch on in the level up? So I have this ability now that I don't know how to sort of like reconcile it with the sort of chaotic nature of my powers. But I have an ability called binned luck.

And it's whenever anybody ally or enemy alike makes a role, I can. spin sorcery points to adjust that role either positive or negative by 1D4. Oh. So like if one of you guys just misses, and I use this as a reaction. So it's after the role happens. So like if you guys like miss a very important saving throw, I can bend luck to change the result. Okay. Which is, which is fucking cool.

Yeah. And I got some new spells, some like pretty wild spells. I'm up to third level spells now. Ooh, what about you, Jamie Ann? Yeah, not a lot. My wild shape got a little better. A little wilder? A little wilder shape.

So I take on the appearance of Gene Wilder. Oh, nice. Yeah. And all his great. Which Gene Wilder, though? Good question. I don't think there's that much difference between Gene in his mini roles. It's actually something wilder, Gene Wilder.

So a little bit, Twilight Year. not great material as I continue to level up, all eventually reach like blazing saddles. So, you know, the original performances. But I took a new feat instead of leveling up an ability. I took Savage attacker. Ooh. Once per turn, when you roll damage for a melee weapon attack,

you can re-roll the weapons damage dice and use either total. Whoa. So my theory is that like the Furbog knows what's coming. I mean, like it, the, his altruism is obviously untouched, but like he understands having to fight for, you know, his people. And I think he's prepared for basically for battle. What about you, Argonaut? Dang it.

I didn't know about the feats. You don't need them. You are an invisible, stabby genius. You don't need no feats. Okay, well, here's what... Your strong independent rogue. Yeah. You don't need no feeds.

You don't need no feeds. He... Argo has been taking acting classes. Okay, sure. I don't know which teacher. In every campaign, dad has to also be involved in musical theater. To some extent, whether he has been... playing a large beetle or a half, half aquatic genie man.

He must be an actor. He joined the drama club. Argo joined the drama club. It has been learning about it. Well, let's be honest, Dad. Argo started the drama club. Okay. So, and it's, it's just him so far.

But he's been doing, you know, working on one man shows. But what this has done is this has increased. his charisma to the point where he now has an action called Panache. Sure, he does. Where he can make a charisma check against an enemy's wisdom check. And if he overcomes that, if the enemy is hostile and he wins the check, then the enemy is at disadvantage on attacks against. everybody

oh wow that's pretty big yeah so let's make fun of acting class now no we still will we didn't make fun of acting class yeah okay we made fun of you let's see hey dad let's be clear right right we all we all enjoy acting class and instead of a feat which I wish I had known about

I just added more to my dexterity because I've never had a bonus of 12 on anything. Jesus. So he's 12 on slide of hand, 12 on stealth and 12 on acrobatics. I might have to cap it there just for future. Because at that point,

if you roll like a three or more, you're going to pass pretty much every check. So like, I think we'll cap it at plus 12. You let that be rogue, Mr. fucking Magnus 5 attack burn size. Yeah.

I don't think you can cap anything. 12 is so much, She guys. Like, you can go up to 20. Well, now you can jump higher. I don't, hey, dad. I don't, hey, dad. I don't know.

Yeah, okay, from now on, all of dad's checks are 35. Okay. So, after another hard day of training, the three of you return to your dorms and drift off to sleep slash half trans. And you find yourselves back in the hell dimension. It is exactly as you remember it. for the absence of the physical discomfort you felt during your visit. The mental discomfort is missing to, except for you, Argo. The memory of madness picks away at the edges of your mind.

Fitzroyd, the landscape you took in from atop the rock formation is just as you remember at the Onyx Palace, the portal, the silhouette, everything is the same except for the table set for tea. There are several three-tiered trays of sandwiches and cakes, as well as a crystal blue tea set. Seated at the head of the table is chaos. Come, gentlemen, sit. I mean, what are we working with? Is this an Earl Grey situation, or a sort of, um, wow, I can't think of another type of tea.

Ulong, Darjeeling? Yes, those, well, yeah, is it one of them? It's whatever you want. I mean, it's all hot leaves to me. Master Fear Bowl, do you have a certain affinity for leaf water? Yes. but normally just leaves in water. This is very fancy for me.

I mean, this is a dream, right? I wanted to taste like when I got a bicycle for my birthday. Can you do that? And it tastes exactly like when you got a bicycle for your birthday. Okay, y'all got to try this. I'd like a caramel cider with whipped cream. Oh, we can't do that. No, I'm just kidding.

Try your tea. Please sit, sit. Now, berries? You want your tea to taste like berries? Okay. Fresh berry. You take a sip, and it tastes like the freshest berries you've ever tasted.

It's too fresh. Now, gentlemen, I have to tell you, I am not happy with you. Why not? Why not? Because I have heard this talk of secret assassination, and I promised Gray a war. I will not let you break my promise. Who blabbed? I know what you know.

Yeah, that makes sense, actually. But do you know what I know? Ooh. Do you know what Furbold know? everybody knows what Fearbook knows. Listen, we can get into a semantics argument as much as you want, but assassination is part of war. Sutterfuge is part of war.

I made this point to gray. I can't believe I have to make it to the, you know, sentient origin of my arcane abilities. For things to be on track, this war must be public, and you must win it. I got a statement. Say something, chaos. For an entity that embodies pure chaos, you sure seem to make a lot of plans.

Chaos is what I am called. Now listen. Is coincidence? I have been known by many names. I do not care how you defeat Gray, but there must be a war, and the public. must see you win it. And with that, you wake back in your beds. And it's time for breakfast. Fellas, I had the weirdest dream. Yeah, we all were in it. I was going out on stage to be in a play, and I didn't have any pen.

Oh, you had that dream? Oh, no. No? No, we didn't do that one. Ours was more hell-based. Oh, I had that one, too. Okay. The barriers between the dreams have been weakened.

It is perhaps a vortex. You reached the cafeteria, and Fitzroy, you are once again disappointed, because for the last two weeks, the crate machine has disappeared. He followed through that freaking jerk. No more crapes. make my own. What's the, what do we got? Where's the omelet station? It's gone to. No, what? I will starve. Just have a waffle. It's right over here where the waffle. What? No. That's fine. I just don't think the student body should have to suffer because of us.

My new eight inches of pure muscle requires nothing but protein. I barely feel the loss of this crate machine. I am eating fucking cod and other white fish. Like it's my, like it is my job. So you sit down at your table to eat, I assume, berries, citrus, and apparently a plate laden with fish. Just a bowl. I eat it like ice cream this cup. Now, are these like whole fish?

Are you doing it like a cartoon cat where you put the whole fish in and then you pull out the Skellington? Travis, my class, only my class is barbarian. Oh, I see. I don't adhere to that in terms of civility. So you have one pinky kind of. crooked as you eat your fish. I slam jammed this cod right into my food hole.

Raynear joins you very excited, practically bouncing in her chair. And she says, great news. My father has agreed to meet with you. Oh, cool. Can everyone come field trip? Um, it would probably be best. If it was just you, that was kind of the arrangement. Oh, but I can't roll anywhere without my road.

my road dogs. Well, he said he would come here. Oh, that's even better. Yeah, he gave me the directions for a summoning circle, so he'll come for a visit. We'll need more people for the summoning circle, right? Or else it'll be more of a sort of summoning line. Well, the circle is on the ground,

and I just need to get some ingredients. Okay. But I can get them by tonight. Do you want to meet me out by the big tree tonight, and we'll summon my dad? Uh, weird sentence. Weird sentence. But, uh, yes, I think that that would be very prudent.

Excellent. It's a date. And she floats off. It's a, it's a, okay. It's a, it's got a girlfriend. Okay. So this is, I'm, this is a, I'm, this is why we don't hang out more. Meeting with the, meeting with the, meeting with.

the parents, that's a pretty big step. Well, the parent is an extremely powerful, evil sort of master of the arcane. So that's mostly what I'm trying to tap into. That's kind of what I'm mostly sort of arranging this meeting for. I let me tell you something. Okay. No, no, argonaut. Yes.

Mm-hmm. You must approach these. things like a boat maker you cannot rush the ship yeah what he said oh Justin oh Justin loves that one yeah doesn't justin cracked up if you're bold's goat Justin loves a good judge this is a level of meta we've never reached before the characters come to me and they just tell me what's on their mind yeah and that's what he said is you can't rush the ship Uh-huh. It's amazing, though, because you might not realize this, Justin, that actually has a deeper meaning here in our universe.

Yeah, I mean, kind of, no, yeah, he stumbled into it, but I, as an outside observer to his intellect, was like, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, good one. So that's what I'm doing to further our secret demon war effort. What are the two of you up to? Well, it's funny you should ask. It's time for some training. It's me, Gary. It's time for some training.

Is that better, Justin? I just don't know. I mean, I don't know who you. Some of the characters in this game sound like you, so I didn't know. That's fair. That's absolutely fair. I represent the force of time moving ever onwards. Nice.

So today. Where have you been for the past six months? That's a great question. So today, you're scheduled to train with Dakota. So you have been routinely meeting with members of the unbroken chain to try to, you know, gather whatever experience you can from their expertise. And today you're going to meet Dakota in the tavern. We're doing some drinking.

Well, what you're going to work on is lying. So Dakota meets you there in the tavern and says, ah, hello boys. Come on in. Now, let's get right into it. We don't got a ton of time. So Fitzroy and Argo, you're going to work on finding out lies, right? detecting lies. We need a little more insight from the two

of you if we're going to find out who these moles are. So we're going to play a little game. The two of you are going to take turns telling each other two facts about yourself. One true, one false. The other will try to figure out which is which and to make it interesting,

whoever has the most correct answers at the end gets a 10 gold credit at the bar. I'm afraid I'll have to sip this lesson out. I have a terrible stomach ache. And I have a doctor's note. And I'm afraid I must mark myself absent because of my terrible tummy ache. Why have you not mentioned this previously? We would have cared for you? No, it was a, that was me doing a lie. So here's how that's going to work. When after you tell

the two lies, or the two statements, one is lie, one is the truth. You will make contested checks where the person telling the facts will make a deception check and the person receiving the facts will make an insight check. And if your insight check is high enough, you will figure out which is the lie and which is the truth.

Can we not just do that with our fucking mind's eye? I guess we're playing Dungeons and Dragons. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons. That's fair. Now, Fearbulk, you are going to practice lying to me. Can me and Argo not do this thing and just watch the other thing? All right.

You two boys, go ahead and start your thing. And then I'll work with the Fearbook. So two truths, two truths and a lie? Well, just one truth and one lie. Oh, okay. This is like the part of, there's like a jackbox game that I play with my friends on our weekly Zoom call. And this is the ending round of it.

sew dog shit at it. I can never think of true things. Well, you can make them up. I guess so. We're talking about, yeah. This is fantasy made up bullshit. Sure. So how do we do this?

Who goes first? Argonaut, why don't you go first? Because alphabetically, Argo is first. Okay. Well, all right. The true statements. Two statements. I have webbed toes.

And when I pee, it smells like tangerines. No rolls necessary. Both are true. So what do I roll? You're going to roll a deception check. And Fitzroy, you are going to make an insight check. Okay.

Three plus zero, three. Nat 20. Jesus Christ. Plus six for deception? 26. I die. I take psychic damage and die. You have no idea what a lot of.

even is, you're just so taken in by both of these facts that you are totally distracted. I wasn't paying attention. Point, Argonaut key. Now, Argo, are you going to tell him which is which or just keep that to yourself? No, I'll tell him. I do have web toes. That's great. I'm not surprised by that.

And my peeve smells like kiwis. Ah, that's how they get you. All right. Fitzroy, your turn. Let's see. I spend my winters at a lovely cottage owned by my family. Well, it's part of our estate. The actual chain of ownership is complicated. But I winter there and spend my days skiing with private instructors. And the other statement is that I have a lot of cavities. Like a lot. Like four of them unaddressed because I'm scared of the dentist. Now roll. That's an 18 plus 8.26.

Hmm. All right. And all right. So I'm rolling. And by the way, I have placed the monocle of misdirection in my eye, which gives me an advantage on insight. Oh, okay. That is a 16 minus 1. That's 15.

Yeah. Can I just posit that if your modifier is minus 1, it's literally impossible for you to beat my role. Unless he gets a crit. That's fair. That's fair. Not going to get a crit. No. Oh, see, after Fitzroy said the thing about the cavities, he smiled at you.

And, man, his teeth look so good. You're pretty sure he's thinking. family is very poor, what with you knowing his dad is a long-haul caravaner. But his teeth also look nice. So it's kind of hard to tell. So you whiff that one. I missed it. Yeah, nice job. You are such a liar. Yeah, here's, I feel like I can condense this game down pretty good. I'm really, really, really good at lying. I'm really, really, really good at lying. I am absolute dog ducky when it comes to figuring out if somebody Elsie is lying.

Yes, this is why we train. You're both good at lying, so you don't need to practice that part. We're practicing the insight part. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yes, we do need some work on that. So here's what we'll do for round two. If you see any like holes in the lie, then you will have an advantage there and make it

easier to figure it out, which means you'll actually have advantage. Yeah, we figured out. You literally said the word. Now, Fearbug. I want you to tell me what you had for breakfast. And I want... Okay. And I want you to lie.

You can do it. Oranges. Oh, that was so good. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Oh, okay. All right. Do you need a cold wash cloth?

I mean, it is berries. It is bear. Yes, I do see the bears. The evidence is before you. Fearbo, may I offer up a word of advice from an experienced liar? Yes.

Okay, you can still say something that is the truth in the long run, but is a lie in the short run. Like, for instance, they asked you to tell you what you had for breakfast.

They didn't say, win. You could have given them something you had for breakfast two weeks ago, and they would have assumed it meant today. So you're not really lying. You're just kind of playing in the gray area. This is fat. You are playing with forces that are millennia old. This is a lie of omission. This is also extremely difficult for me. Well, since you got puke on my leg I was trying to hope to over it. I appreciate the effort.

Okay, let me think for a minute. You two, round two. Go. You go first this time, Fitz. Okay. The stylish spectacles that I wear on my face are prescription. I have a prescription from a doctor for them.

And the other statement is that I The other statement is that I was on the jazz dance team at Clyde Knight's Night Night School and it was in fact the captain. Now, was there a competitive jazz dance? I'm here to tell you maybe. It depends on if that's true or not.

All right. Now, does he roll? Yep. I mean... That's a 16 plus 8. That's a 24. Now, you tell me, Argo, based off of what he said, Do you have any insight on your own without rolling

That makes you think that this is not true? Can I answer for him? Yeah. I don't think my glasses have lenses. Okay, so let's say this. Are you not make a perception check for me? Perception check? Yes, perception check.

18 plus 3, 21. Okay, so with that, you can see just by looking at him that he does not have lenses in his glasses, Right. Now, because you have the monocle, so you already have advantage, I'm going to give you a plus five to your highest role. Okay. This is insight. Correct. 15. Shit. Minus one. Plus five.

Plus five. So that's 19. But do I have advantage? Yes. Do I get the monocle, right? Okay. Right. That's not going to do it either.

So 19, I did not do it. Well, you didn't beat it. And so Fitz, a very good lie. Who would ever believe that you were on the jazz team? So even though, Argo, you know that those are fake glasses. Well, hold on. They may not be a prescription for my eyes. Exactly.

Maybe they're doing something to the tops of my ears. They're holding his ears down. They're keeping his head from expanding out the side. Now, you're up, Argonaut. Okay. I have a vestigial tail, vestigial fish tail that is a real pain when I have to use the restroom because it's not up and down. It's across. Please, let's be the true one.

and I have at times considered a career in the dance. I'm talking about traditional folk dancing. Oh, well, if that one's true, we have a lot to talk about. Of which I have a lot of taste. Yeah. Have you ever done any jazz dance? Are you interested? He doesn't have to answer to you yet.

Oh, God. 16 plus 6, that's 22. A good role. Now, Fidsroy, can you figure out any other skill that you might use to try to give yourself advantage on us? Wait, wait, well, hold on a second. Hold on. I have advantage on deception rolls as well with the Monaco. Oh, boy.

Yeah. So 16 plus 6, 22 or that was 15. So I'll stick with the 22. That's a good call. It's the higher one. It's math. I'm going to roll performance to see if I recognize the heart of a dancer. Okay.

Do you know what I mean? No, how you can look in a dancer's eyes. Yeah. Yeah, you've seen him in the hallway when like someone's not looking where they're going and they're about to bump into him and he's moved out of the way. He's live. He's live. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you can channel that into a rhythmic.

Right. Does he have the heart of a dancer? I totally get it. 19 plus four. 23. Well, so you tell me, Argonaut, do you have the heart of a dancer? I hope the answer's no,

because I want that tail to be there. And the answer is no. I do not have the heart of a dancer. Okay, so you are going to have... And let me tell you something, it was awful last episode when I shit my pants. Yeah, that's... Oh, Boise. Okay.

Yikes, lots of unpack, lot to unpack. Yeah, okay, so, Fitzroy, you're going to roll Insight with Advantage. Okay. I got a four. That's not it. And I got an 18 plus zero, 18. Okay.

Man, you guys are both so good at lying. But you're getting good at using your other skills to buff your insight, which is a good lesson to take away from here. Sure. Okay, Fearbulk. I have an idea, right? What kind of berries did you have for breakfast? Uh, red berries. Okay, great.

I want you to tell me that you had reddish pink berries. I mean, if you had seen these berries, they were pretty red. Right, right, right, right. Reddish pink berries. Okay, how does that make you feel? Bad. How bad? Scale of one to ten. Six.

Okay, now say it again. Stabbed with axis seven. Okay. Say, what did you have for breakfast for your bulk? Pinkish red berries. Okay, how does that make you feel? Is it the same level or less? Same. Okay, I want you to just keep saying it.

Dish pink. Reddish pink. Bad all lies. But each one of them is the same level? It's getting worse. Was it the same for pinkish red as it was for reddish pink? This is equivalent. I'm going to break out a color wheel, and you can tell me at what point on the wheel you start getting uncomfortable.

So here we are in red. Good. We're going to move the brightness slider up just a little bit. That's sort of a bright red. Extremely painful. Oh, okay. There's very little wiggle room here. This is not a trick.

I do not need immersion. therapy. No, I would say not. I don't lie. Okay, okay. I'm, I'm formulating a plan. Uh, you two, final round. I think we're tied because we keep lying and not getting it. Correct. Uh, I have never met my Janasi father, my true dad, never met him, never laid eyes on him. and that's sad, I know, but I have never once seen him. And I actually find the breath of cats to be kind of pleasant and not all that nauseating. Gross. Okay.

So go ahead and roll, Margo. 18 plus six. That's 24. Wait, I have advantage. 12. Okay, so 18 plus 6, 24. Okay, now Fitzroy, can you think of a skill that you could use to determine whether or not you might have insight into those? Not really.

I mean, animal handling? Do I see his, but I don't, I am not trained in animal handling at all, so I don't think that that would be it. Okay. Then just give me an absolutely baller insight check. Yeah, sure. 11. Yep. Ball in.

A ball in 11. Sorry. I should have spoken more clearly. A ball in 11. Ball 11, if you will. Yeah. So Argo, you win that round two. Are you going to tell them which one's which?

I hate. Cat breath. It makes me barf. All right, Fitzroy. It's currently three to two with Argo. Slightly ahead, but you could tie it up. I have a deathly pine nut allergy. One of them gets near me like a blowfish, dead skis.

And as for the other one, I am beginning to worry that I may not actually be a night in absentia of the realm of good castle. And am, in fact, beginning to worry that there is no place because I've looked at a lot of maps. And it's not on them. So you roll Fitzroy? Yeah.

Well, wait. Hold on now. Fitzroy rolls first. That's an 18. Jesus these rolls. 18 plus 826. Jesus, guys. Jesus these rolls.

Why are we so good at lying and so bad at virtually everything else? Okay. Now, Argonaut. Do you have any skills that you think would give you insight into this? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How about if I made a history check to try to remember if I've ever seen him eating pine nuts? Go for it. That's not history.

That's not history. It is history. Everything before this second is history. I'll allow it. Okay. 12 plus 3 is 15. You can remember him eating nuts. But to what degree?

What kind of nuts you do not know? You cannot recall. Could have been sunflower seeds. Could have been sunflower seeds. Fallen prey to that particular illusion before. All right. So I don't get any bonus or anything. Okay.

All right. I don't see how this is possibly going to work. That's a five. I have advantage. that is a 19 minus 1 18 so that one's going to end all tied up and in the case of a tie I win so I'm going to keep that bar tab okay now fear wait we could split it we could we could split it that I'm sorry then's not the rules you know what I mean like oh I wish I was it but my hands are tied now fear bold so far the mistake I've made is I have asked you about

facts, right? So I'm going to ask you about opinion. Yes. What did you think of the berries? They were fine. Not the best season for berries.

But not too fresh. This is important. Were they better than fine? No. Okay, this is where you're supposed to lie.

Oh. Right. Yes. How does that make you feel? Bad. Scale of one to ten? Three. It's very subjective.

Okay. Berries sometimes fine. It's also memory. I eat lots of berries every day, the same berry. Maybe I am confused or remember poorly. Huh. Okay, well, you might be on to something there. Because if you're asked about a memory, maybe, okay, let's try this.

When I ask you what you had for breakfast, I want you to say, I can't recall exactly. What did, what did you have for breakfast? I can't recall exactly, which is true. I do not know the number of berries, which would be very exact. There you go. So maybe if you just leave off that second part and just stick with, I don't recall exactly. How does that make you feel? So basically, you aren't here to be like a fucking oil executive at a deposition.

That is correct. I want it depends on your definition of exploitation. I don't remember exactly the the different meetings that I'm just your stone and I had or the different subjects that were discussed at said meetings precisely. I am trying to teach the fear both to plead the fifth. Okay. That may be as good as you're going to do with this guy. All right. Well, good progress all around.

Keep practicing. And I'll see you guys next week for, uh, in another session. Clearly we don't, no offense, but we're on some, wait, they are in the Unbroken Chain, yes? Correct. Yeah, no offense, but like we are trying to plan a war effort against the demon prince. I feel like lying is already something that two out of the three of us are pretty good at, and I think the third one of us is not going to get much better.

Sure. Yeah, that's kind, you're kind of missing the point of the lesson today. See, y'all go around kind of just anybody who seems nice, you tell them kind of everything that's going on in the whole war effort and what you're planning and kind of what you have in your back pocket. And you seem to have no idea who to trust and who not to. So I'm kind of trying to help you to develop the ability to tell when maybe someone is not actually as nice as they seem and might be get this lying. to you. Fitts, Roy, let me handle this one because you and I are on the same page here. To be honest with you, all of that is a sham.

We just pretend to accept people. We know in our hearts who really sucks. Uh-huh. Because it's, I know because it's a trait of the genocci to know when someone is evil. I just rolled a 20 with a six. For what? 26 deception. And also,

the deception. I ate a magic apple when I was a boy that let me know when everybody's lying. Okay. This is fun, but you can't pretend to tell everyone exactly what you're planning. That is what you're doing. Okay. And you ask for a way to try to find the moles before, you know, they kind of fuck you over. Yep.

That's what I'm trying to help you do. Okay. We'll be more careful in the future. Oh, good one. So you return to your dorm room. And when you do, you find a note has been slipped under your door, and it reads, I have finished my research. You are going to want to hear this right away.

Come to my office, say, boy. How could his writing be slow? Like, we are reading it with our eyes, and yet it takes very long to read. How is this possible? However, pinned to Sabor's door when you arrive is another note in swooping handwriting that reads, Change your plans, took Sabor to the practice dungeon, better hurry before I kill him, yours, gray, P.S. Yes, this is a trap. Let's not be caught. Okay. See, that's what I'm talking about, expedient handwriting. When you enter the practice dungeon, you see that it is in a different arrangement than the last.

time you were here. The left side of the room is dominated by a chunk of faux lake, uh, with two stepping stones in it. The right has two large rock formations half sticking out of the walls. Opposite the entrance you came through are two large gates. In the middle of the room is a large campfire. Next to the fire sitting on a stump is gray with Sabre close behind. Sabre does not look up when you enter. Grace smiles at you and says, hello, Blunderman. Is that a anything? Is it? I thought of it and I didn't know. I wanted to test it out. It's so cutting.

Oh, it's so savage. Must you? Such cruelty? Well, because it sounds like Thundermen, right? But it's like Blunderman. Is that, I don't know. Is it too arch? Sure thing.

Grape? Because it's But grapes are juicy and beloved. I don't think that works. Yeah, I love grapes. It doesn't work. How's training going? Pretty good. Pretty good.

How's your whole war effort? You know, you're so concerned with our war effort. How's yours going? What should come get off over there? It's ready. It's been ready for a while now. Just ready and waiting. Oh, you're telling me you don't need six months.

In six months, you couldn't, you know, find a dragon or something. Oh, I've got dragons. How many? Oh, I'm not going to tell you. Insight check to see if he's telling the truth. Oh. 15 minus 1, 14. You have no idea.

How many dragons do you possess? More than you. Oh, well. You don't know, but we got, we got lots of... Hey, Fierberg, how many dragons do you have? We have a different number of dragons than you. Okay. It's not the same, I bet.

Like I told you back in the cavern, I'm not going to stop your war preparations. I'm glad to see you working out there. But I am going to slow you down when I can. And also, I'm very bored. So, before you can find out what your little tortell friend knows, let's play a game. I call it, try not to kill your friends. Let's meet our contestants, shall we? Of course, there are you three.

So let's make it three on three. And he does a little clap, and the two large gates open, and you hear heavy footsteps. On the left enters a giant mass of bones. And it appears to be the practice skeletons, but formed together to make one monster. And from the right gate emerges Susan the magical bear, and she, too, is looking bigger and meaner than you remember. Does the skeleton rat king, do they look, this is maybe a strange. question, but like conscious and jovial as usual. No, they do not.

Are they being manipulated? Roll a perception check for me. 16 plus 4, 20. Yeah, so their body language is very, let's say, aggressive. Okay. And they do not have the same light in their eyes, literally, that you have seen before. And this is, I guess the same is true for the bear. Correct.

Okay. And Gray says, oh, and to keep it interesting, I disabled the magic that heals them after the battle. So play nice. And with that, Gray disappears. And Susan, the skeleton, and Sabor charge you with rage in their eyes. Roll initiative. Wait, Sabre 2? Yep.

He'll turn 15 plus 2, 17. Uh, 10 plus 2, 12. 3 plus 6, 9. The skeleton comes in and is going to take a swing at you, Argonaut. And so they are going to swing their scimitar at you. And that is, oh, that's probably not going to hit. An 11, an 11 to hit? No.

Okay. And then they swing again. And that is a critical miss. And this one is a 20 to hit. A 20 to hit? Yeah. They get three attacks because they have six arms. Makes sense to me.

So 20 versus AC. 15. Okay. And they're going to hit you for 15 damage. Wow, that ain't nothing. I assume we were at, I mean, it's been two weeks. Yeah, you were full. Okay.

And up next is Fearbulk. I am going to pull out my tiny Gary and, and ask him to tell Heronymous what's happening. Hey, it's me, tiny caring. You are smaller, I think so adorable. Thank you. It's disgusting. Okay, what is it you need?

I need you to tell Hieronymus. Tell him we need him. Okay, give me a minute. I'll tell him. Is that your turn? It is an action, so... Okay, there you go. You can move if you want.

Uh, what's my relation to all the bad stuff? Um, so if you look on that map I sent you, you are, you have just entered, uh, and the skeleton is on your left and Susan is on your right and Sabre is in the middle coming towards you. Uh, okay, I'll, uh, I'll clamber up the rock formation a little bit, try to get a little elevation. Okay, give me an athletics check. I don't know if that's necessary between friends, but it's a 16 plus six. Okay, yeah, you make it to the top of the rock formation pretty quickly, so you're able to stay on your feet atop the rock formation. But this is going to be hard, if not impossible, for them to reach you.

Next is Fitzroy. Can I tell the nature of the position, Like there are there are This is where like codified D&D kind of bumps up against the fiction because like I don't know if it's fair to say can I tell what spell has been cast on them? Because I don't know if in this world there are a list of spells like there are in D&D Yeah, give me an archa chair. Yeah, okay.

That's 13 plus 3, 16. Okay, with that It seems like you are able to tell it's some form of dog Dominate Monster and Dominate person combination on the three of them. Okay. I am going to... And I will also say, right, because we don't touch on that a lot. With Dominate, any time the target takes damage, they make a new wisdom saving throw

to see if they stay dominated. Um, okay. Well, but the problem is if I start hitting these people, they're going, they're going to get pretty hurt. I don't want to, I don't want to brag. Yeah, that this is, this is the catch, isn't it? Yes, it's hard for me to not come correct. Um, okay. Uh, I want to, I got to be very careful here. Uh, is, is Sabor. Oh, it's 120 feet. Okay. Uh, one of my new spells is dispel magic. I want to try to dispel magic on Sabor because I'm worried if I do it to either of the other two, it may like disable them permanently. It may like suspend whatever magic is like, you know, keeping them alive or whatever. Tell me about the spell magic. Well, this is a problem. For every spell third level or lower, oh, it automatically ends.

For each spell a fourth level or higher on the target, make an ability check using your spell casting ability. The DC equals 10 plus the spell's level. on a successful check the spell in. So I have to do basically this Dominant person's a fifth level spell, so I have to make two consecutive checks. Okay. So here's hoping. So I have to beat a 15.

Well, tell me what it looks like as you channel this magic. Sure. I think I have to sort of tap into the chaos to like figure out what Gray is using because it's the same, it's the same thing. Like, it's like you have to find the snake that bit you to make the anti-venom. So that's, I like, I think I'm doing it with my eyes closed. Not as bragging, but because I'm like in the, you know, in the chaos zone. Okay, that is an 11 plus 4, 15.

That barely succeeds. And a 13 plus 417. And go ahead and roll against the magic table for me. Okay. That old chaos magic. I figure if I'm doing a spell, it's this beefy. I was going to get, I was going to get a... Oh, yeah.

Okay. I have to roll a 1D 100, which takes a second. Fuck me. What happened, Griffin? Okay, so I rolled a 41. Uh-huh. And... I'm sure I look all, like, sagacious and shit as people are, like, watching me, like, tap it.

really harness my arcane energies to create, to do this, like, pretty phenomenal magical feat. Like, canceling out the domination magic of a demon prince. I imagine it's like robes billowing around me, some real fucking Gandalf the white coming over the hill shit. And then I turn right into a potted plant. No. cosplay that.

What does that mean? When you are a plant, you are incapacitated and have vulnerability to all damage. Yeah. If you drop to zero hit points, your pot breaks and your form reverts. Okay, wait. So the only way you turn back... This is only until the start of my next turn. Oh, boy.

Okay. Well... Yeah. Yeah. This is going to be a great toy variant when we finally get there. It's amazing. Okay. So, huh.

I'm gonna say I turn into a monstera something very you know something with broad leaves something noble So just to paint the picture you cast the spell the spell breaks as Sabor is free from the spell And then you turn into a potty plant and everybody just just for like a breath even the dominated monsters are like And then back to the fight I'm gonna take five Because I literally can't do anything Yeah you're you're a plant buddy I'm wicked a plant

Now Griffin I do have this question Yeah as a planet Do you still have the same number of hit points Yeah Powerful plan But all damage against me is doubled Okay great Susan the magical bear

Is gonna take a swing At this potter plant Because she is confused by what just happened and in general, big angry bears don't like to be confused by things. Okay. So she is going to swipe at it with her claw. And let's see, that is a 12 plus 10, 22.

Here's the thing, Trave, I'm incapacitated. So I don't think you can fail at hitting me. I'm looking it up. Okay, great. So she hits you for 19 damage. Okay, no, no, no, it does, I still do have, like, AC and shit. I just can't take actions or reactions. Okay, yeah, but it's still 20, it's 22 versus your AC.

Oh, that hits my AC very badly. So she's going to hit you for 19, which is doubled, 38. Can I go into rage mode as a plant? A very angry plant? Sure. Whatever that, your leaves just start quivering. I have to do that on my turn. And you know what?

Because you're a potty plant, she just goes ahead and knocks you flying. and you go flying into the faux lake. Now, luckily, it's only a foot deep. Yeah, also I'm a plant. Okay, there you go. I don't breathe. I don't breathe. I like water.

Up next is Argonaut. Tell me about the fake lake over to the left. I misspoke. It is three feet deep. It is at its widest point near the entrance you came in, It's about six foot of lake, narrowing as it travels up the wall. So you're only getting like one corner of the room is lake in about a six foot by 12 foot on one side triangle, if that makes sense, with kind of two stepping stones in it, definitely large enough to stand on with two feet. Yeah, that is the lake we're looking at.

But it's real water. It is real water, correct. Fake lake. Yeah. Okay. Argo is going to jump up on the farthest stepping stone. Okay. Give me an acrobatics check. I can do that. Gosh. That is an eight plus 12. Damn, dude. It's a dirty 20. Okay. Yeah. So with that, you leap from the ground. It's about six feet from where.

where you were standing to the stepping stone, but you do it deftly. Maybe there's even like a hand spring in there and you land, even though the stone is a little slippery from water that just been splashed in it as a plant landed in the water. You hold your footing. You look great. You do super good on floor as lava. You know what I mean?

Like, it was beautiful. It was wonderful. So can I still take an action? Or is that it? Well, that was your movement. Okay. Okay. Then I'm going to use the slingshot. Uh-huh.

Not the sling to whack a ball bearing off the head of the mass of bones. Okay, great. Which head? There's several heads. The middle one. Okay. That is Victoria. So go ahead and make that attack for me. Okay. That is a four plus eight.

That's a 12. So you let fly with the ball bearing. And when you do, you make kind of an oof sound and it's just enough of a heads up that they're able to see it coming and lean their head out of the way and you miss by a mile. And up next is Sabor, the tortle, now back aware. and he turns to the giant bear and he casts animal friendship. The bear is going to make a wisdom saving throw, which he is going to have to beat.

And the bear has advantage because of dominate person. So here we go. So he makes eye contact with the bear and you see like his eyes begin to glow as he like holds his hands up. And you see like the bear the bear's eyes kind of take on the same kind of globe, but just barely. It kind of seems like maybe Sabor is just barely holding the bear's attention.

And up next is the skeleton who is going to, let's see, take a swing at Argonaut, who just tried to strike them. The skeleton lumbers over for while it has six arms, it has just gotten like two pretty big sets of like legs you know what I mean so it just takes a couple steps and it's right there at the edge down on its knees reaching for you with its arms and it's going to swing at you uh Argonaut um and you know what it takes a step into the water to be able to reach you better um and that is a 27 versus AC total which is 15 yes so it hits you for 15 points of damage you know what I'll just roll all of them and then I'll tell you the damage uh that is

is a 20 versus AC, which hits, and a 23 versus AC, which hits. So that's going to be 45 points of damage. Okay. Are you, are you okay? Argo uses uncanny dodge, which allows you to use your reaction to have the attacks damage. Okay. Tell me what that looks like. As these arms reach for him, he does this amazing,

Neo bullet time bend over backwards at the knees and the arms sort of still hit him but not as bad. In less chunky places, you know what I mean? Less chunky places. Yeah, so you're going to say

let's say 23 points of damage instead. Now up next is the Fearbulg. Now Fearbug, you're the one who sent the message to Hieronymus.

Yep. And Gary paused back in and says, Hey, yes, I spoke to Heronimus. He's working on it. He just needs a little more time. Yes.

I will stole. And I transform into a giant eagle. Cool. Love that eagle. And I guess that's your turn, huh?

No, isn't that a bonus action? No, wild shape is an action action. Let's just, I mean, let's say go ahead. all soar in the air, amazing. Okay.

Just because it's amazing to see it. It's really cool. Fitzroy, you are up. I'm looking at my options, and it's like I'm reflexively trying to find the bad boy 5D8 shit, but that's not what we want here. I'm a real boy again.

Oh, yeah. You're back to being Fitzroy, but now you're just like sitting in the water. that was banana cakes that was absolutely wild i had chlorophyll i had sap and i had sap everybody i'm going to say you're prone so like your movement is going to be standing up if that's what you wish to do yeah i'm going to stand up but the skeleton came into the water right yes so he's within striking distance correct okay Yeah. I hold my mall high and mighty into the air.

And I don't say I have the power, but I make it known. I cast Booming Blade. Ooh. As part of the action used to cast this spell, you must make a melee attack with a weapon against one creature within the spell's range. So I'll go ahead and make that melee weapon attack versus the Skellington. That is a nasty, nasty sexual 19 plus eight. Yes. So that's a 27.

That hits for sure. So I have to do damage with my mall, but on a hit, the target suffers the attack's normal effects. And because I'm above fifth level, it deals an extra 1D8 thunder damage. Oops, this may be a little too nasty. But the big, important thing is that it becomes sheathed and booming energy until the start of my next turn. And if the target willingly moves before then, it takes another 1D8 thunder damage. Because of my level, it's going to take an extra 1D8 right. now and then if it moves it takes 2d8 so okay uh oops oopsa dupsa so um okay yeah so that's a 14

just with the damage of my mall that's 14 damage okay great that's 14 damage just with my mall attack uh and then i have to roll a d8 on top of that for thunder damage that's just a one so 15 and it becomes sheets and booming energy and I can't move it's loud as fuck it's loud as fuck in here

I don't know how big this room is I assume not loud it's very very fucking loud it's pretty loud you know it's a cave right there's some reverberation okay let's see

okay this is going to be difficult no okay that failed the wisdom modifier so it is still the wisdom saving girl so you hit it with this booming energy.

And tell me, is this, you said it's what kind of energy, what kind of attack is this? Thunder. My bread and butter. This is just a can trip, though. Okay. This is not one of my big boy spells. But no lightning, right? Just thunder.

No, no. Nice try. Okay. And so the Skellington is still dominated, but it is contained now within this booming energy. Oh, and you know what? For my bonus action, I'm going to rage. Oh, okay. Rage against the dying of the light.

I think there's a thing I do. I want that just for the defense of it, but I have to do a quick roll. Sorry. I don't mean to take up the whole freaking show with all my garbage. I wild surge. Get out of there. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.

Fuck. Okay. I rolled an eight. I rolled an 8, which on the wild surge table is a beam of brilliant light. Lances from my chest like I'm Tony fucking Stark. In a 5 foot wide, 60 foot long line, every creature in the line must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 2 to 8 radiant damage and be blinded until the start of the next turn. If this hits the skeleton, it's quite bad. Well, okay, I'm going to give you an option as to which way it goes.

Does this go towards the skeleton, which will hurt the skeleton and also Argo? or does this go towards the bear, which will hurt the bear and also Sabor? I have to, like, I think it is, I would rather hit the bear and Sabor, but I feel like it is, uh, I feel like it is impossible to assume that this thing I just attacked. I'm not facing it when this happens.

That's fair. All right. It's also wild magic. So like, hard to argue that you're controlling it. Bad things happen all the time, right. All right. So who are you at?

Who are you aiming it at? Argo and the skeleton. The beam lances forth. The guy with 19 health points. Yep. Towards Argonaut. Sorry, pal. And the bear.

Oh, no, Argonaut and the Skellington. It's Constitution. So tell me what is it. It's a saving throw for Argo? Yeah, Constitution saving throw. The number to beat is 16. That is a 15 plus one. Yes.

Okay. You save. Nice. The skeleton did not say. Fuck me. How much damage is that? 2D8, radiant. I'll roll it, thank you very much.

2 and 6. Okay, so it's 16. 8 points of damage. Yeah, but it is radiant. Damage. Oh, right, right, right. Okay. So that's dumb.

It seems really upset about hurting the skeleton. Well, I don't, I mean to just sort of graze it, but I kind of fucked it all up. It's still doing okay. This is a giant skeleton. It's beefier than a regular skeleton. Okay. But it once again failed its wisdom saving throw.

So it is still contained. Now up next is Susan the bear. Sabor and Susan are still locked into this staring contest as Sabor continues to try to hold it. And so Susan is going to make another wisdom saving throw to see if she's, can break this control of Sabors. She rolled a crit one. So now she is completely under Sabor's thrall. Her eyes have gone back to pretty docile.

So now the only- Make her apologize for smashing me when I was in plant form. I was going on a whole sort of arboreal trip there and she really harshed it. Argo, you are up. and the only thing left to worry about is the skeleton. Argo cast shape water on the water that the skeleton's foot is in. Did it go farther into the water when it got hit with the beam? No.

Convenient. The beam doesn't have any push or pull mechanics. It's a beam. It's just light. I would just think it would stumble back a little bit getting hit by something that painful. But that's all right. Create. He uses shape water to freeze the water in the lake.

And then that's his action, right? Correct. Okay. Well, I believe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. Okay, wait.

Wait a minute. I wanted to say my own cool thing. Oh, no. but I'm in it. Oh, you're in it too? Yeah. Well, I wouldn't, you weren't that concerned about blasting him. Fine.

Very fair. Freezes the water and then leaps out of the way. Yeah, jumps off the stone into, onto the, onto the, onto the floor, away from the skeleton. I'll take that move and then I still get a bonus action and I hide. Okay. So if you're going to jump back, once again, I need another acrobatics check. 19 plus 12.

Okay. So a 31. Wait, this is the highest rule I've ever made. A 31. You make the jump, but this time, let's say just as a little showy, you kind of grab one of the skeletons' ribs and you use it like an uneven bar and you do some like amazing flips around. and you land, you know, perfectly on your tiptoes, hands raised in the air, and then you take a little bow. Oh, very merry Lou Retton. It is.

Very merry, very, Mary Lou Retton. And now you also hide. You have some cover from the rock formations. Up next is Sabre, but he is still locked in this kind of mind control with the bear. So he's going to stay there for now. And then it's the skeleton. So, wait, I'm confused. He's locked in whose mind control?

No. Oh, no, no, no. Sabor's mind controlling the bear. Correct. He's holding the bear in check. Okay. So up next is the skeleton who is now going to take some swings at Old Fitzroy. That is a 25 against AC.

Who just barely got me, O'Dill. Another 25 versus AC. Just bare. And a 28 versus AC. That missing. Amazing. say. So that's 45 points of damage for you. It is half that because I am enragement.

Yeah, so 23 points of damage. At this point, you know, the, the skeleton has taken thunder damage and radiant damage. Right. And, you know, its foot is frozen into the ice and it is pissed. So now it is just swinging widely at the thing it can reach, which is you. The cimitars are coming down in these. wide arcs. And it has,

you know, it clearly is out for blood. Oh, it, oh, and it got some. And I am, I am bloodied and sapped.

I think a little bit of like latex is coming out of my body, which is strange, a strange feeling. Up next, it would be Fairbulk's turn, but at long last, you know, slower than he maybe could have been in the past.

Hieronymus makes his way. It's been 12 seconds by my math. Okay. Got the guy some slack. Initiatives to help us thing. It's been 12 seconds. I mean, listen, do you guys want to fight 19 more turns before you can make it down the steps or what? I want some hustle in his giddy up.

Yeah. Hieronymus makes his way in and he moves away a stone panel that you never would have seen and is able to light the correct runes in order to deactivate what is. going on and reactivate the healing procedures, at which point the bear kind of curls up to take a little nap. The skeleton separates into its individual parts and is back to Germain and Victoria and rattles. And they are very disconcerted. And they kind of return back to their home dazed, but healing even before your eyes. Does the healing work on us? No, it does not. then I need to go to the hospital.

So you and Sabor, the four of you, make your way to Marie's. You'll becoming pretty familiar with Marie's office at this point for some patching out. And while Marie works, Sabre shares with you the dossier that he was able to gather on Gray. There's a lot there. We can unpack more of it in the future. but the three kind of big takeaways are one, Gray can only be permanently killed in his domain, so in the hell dimension.

Perfect. We love this. Two, he should not be able to travel between dimensions at will. Only certain spots between our dimensions should be connected. It's the reason that they chose the cave for the headquarters was there was only one entrance that Higelmiss was able to connect. there shouldn't have been another entrance to that cave. So something is going on with the barrier between our plane and the demon plane.

And one more thing, and this is kind of the big takeaway, only sacred weapons can kill Gray. And that is going to be tricky because sacred weapons are heavily controlled by the heroic oversight guild. That's Giant Eagle for thank you for that information. It's all very illuminating and I'm sure we'll be able to act on it soon. Okay. Thank you so much for your aid.

You get all patched up and you get a nice rest in. And then Fitzroy, you go to meet Rainier so that you can discuss the war plans with her father and see if you can get him on board. Under a half full moon, you find Renair by the big tree and she already has everything set up. Yeah, all you need to do is light the candle

and speak the word. Devocho. Okay. Your dad, um, is he, is he, is he gonna be nice or? Oh yeah,

that's really nice. Okay. Uh, then, okay, let's do it then. Uh, devocho. Sorry, I forgot it. Devocho.

Devote. Okay. And I have to stand in the circle and say it? You have to like the kid. Yeah. Okay. My bones aren't going to come out or anything, right? No.

Do you, Do you blame me for asking you? No, I just, I've never done this spell before. Perfect! Well, I already turned into a plant today, so... What? Yeah, long story, Devocho. There's a cloud of acrid green smoke, and Rainier waves it away, coughing, and then realizes

that she is all alone, and Fitzroy is nowhere to be seen, and says, oh shit. Fitzroy, you are plunged into darkness. The air is stagnant and rotten, and there is not a speck of light. Gotta stop doing spells. I think I've got, I think I've just got to become a punching man. Hello? Do you have any way to create light? Yes, I have a torch.

It's in my inventory. You light your torch, and you see that you are in a crypt-like room, surrounded by piles of bone. And before your eyes, the bones begin to move. And somewhere in the darkness, you can hear dry, rasping laughter. Maximumfunn.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience-supported.