The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 29: Princi-Pal

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

The enemy of my enemy is REALLY ANGRY. The boys are headed to the principal's office and beyond. Before they head out for adventure, they check in with a few friends and set some plans in motion. Time to dig deep and find the magic within. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

The three of you approach Hieronymus's office. This is your first time making it to the top of the school. All three of you make a perception check. I thought you're going to make us roll athletics for like all of the many, many stairs. That's up to you guys. Yeah, you can decide how winded you are. Ooh, that's really good. 24.

That's a 18. 19 plus 3, 22. You guys percepts the hell out of some stuff. So first, you see that the door is hanging off of its hinges. Not that it's been damaged, but rather than, that the door frame has warped and twisted, and the door simply no longer fits. Second, you are being hit by waves of pure, white-hot rage.

They're not directed at you. They're simply radiating out from where you are approaching. And the force of will behind them is such that you can see them make visible ripples in the air. And just as you realize this, you hear a roar, and it says, you. And all three of you make a strength saving throw. Wow. We are throwing.

Oh, baby. That's a 16 plus 7. 23. Um, 19 plus wicked. 1.20. Dirty 20. Um.

Also good, juice, right? Justin also did good. 19 plus 2. The three of you feel a pull towards the room, but you're able to resist it by bracing your feet and grabbing the walls. But clearly, Gray wants to talk to you just about as much as you want to talk to him. Okay. I knock tenderly on the bad door. The door doesn't take much.

It's barely on there. And so you're knocking it falls inwards. Revealing the room that was formerly Hieronymus's office has now been. corrupted by decades of grace presence. It's as much like his hell dimension as the dimension itself. However, it is also, in a word, trashed. Not what you would expect from the power of a demon prince, more like what you would see from a petulant teenager throwing a tantrum. There's destruction everywhere. And in the space below the ceiling, the ceiling is much higher than it should be. You see swirling debris, rocks, chunks of furniture, bits of stone from the walls, all swirling like a slow,

angry tornado. And in the center of the destruction, he's gray. Gone is any resemblance to Hieronymus. He towers over the three of you, his wet slate patterned skin pulled tight over unnatural muscles. His horns twist and turn back on themselves. Long, obsidian talents flexed at the end of disturbingly thin fingers. And one more thing. His eyes are filled with hatred, and they are focused on you, Fitzroy. And he says,

you did this. You hypocrite. What did I? I just got here. I just came up the stairs. What could I possibly have done? Make a dexterity saving him. He's going to keep throwing stuff.

I'll just leave. 15 plus 217. A piece of furniture broken from the swirl above you flies down, smashes into your shoulder and does four points of damage as you dodge out of the way. Clearly, he was aiming for your head. Yeah. He says, you attack me with corrupted chaos magic so that I can't defend. And now this, you use that magic to bar me from my home.

and you come here to what? To gloat, I will kill you, Fitzroy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all, we're going to come back to the corrupted chaos magic thing because I need some gaps that need to be filled in there. As for the other thing, I think we did know that that was going to happen, but, great, I'll be honest, I did not even think about the side effect that you would not be able to go home to hell.

The good news is you're here in the, you know, the material world. And we got lots of good stuff up here, baby. We got, we got, what do we got? We got, like, we got crapes. We got music, music, poetry. All three of you make dexterity saving throws. I did not think that would be a particularly persuasive argument. Now we're talking five plus two, seven.

I got seven plus two, nine. I got 14. plus, I believe my dexterity is eight, so that's 22. Okay, so Fearbug and Fitzroy, rubble that has broken off of the walls, slams into you, knocking you to your feet for 11 damage. Okay. You, Argo, are able to dodge out of the way, just barely taking zero points of damage as the chair smashes where you were just standing.

How dare you come in here and gloat him? make flippant jokes. I will kill the three of you, and then I will bring you back, and I will kill you again and again and again. I notice your rage has extended beyond Fitzroy. Sort of a splash damage effect. Can you do me a favor, Gray?

I know you're pretty peeved right now, but I imagine your grasp of the arcade. is fairly strong, take a real good long look at me. And Gray walks over and says, much obliged and picks you up and brings you face to face with him so that you are dangling in the air now and you can feel his hot breath on your face as he pulls you close and snarls.

And just as it seems like he is about to snap your face with his pointed fangs, he stops. and stares at you. Yep. And looks closer and pulls you close and says, what, where is the chaos? I'm going to answer that, but first I need a no more throwing detritus guarantee from you because the last one actually hurt quite badly. So can we talk or? You have two minutes.

That's not very long. Uh, okay. I don't have it anymore. I don't have the chaos powers. So whatever visions you had of me being the, you know, sacred chosen one who would battle against you in glorious warfare, you can pretty much banish that thought right away. Um, then how did you block me from my home? What ritual, what spell, what powerful God have you partnered with? Oh, none, none of those things. Um, um, um, um, Can you hold this for me and I hold out the ring of truth? And it's not a trap or anything. It's just a truth ring. And I want you to know that I'm not lying or coming at you with any amount of deception at all. Because I really, really need you to hear what I'm saying, Gray. If this is a trap, I will kill anyone who's ever brought you a moment of joy.

He actually told you it wasn't a trap. so it cannot be a trap or that is entrapment. Fearbug, is it a trap? It is not a trap. Okay, he puts on the ring. Okay. You're a pawn, but don't take that so bad because, like, we all are. And by we, I mean basically every living person, chaos is an entity with the will of its own,

and it wanted to basically mess up the whole world via a war between the two of us. This is the part that is particularly important for you, Gray, and I really need you to hear this, and no, I am not lying. You are going to lose. I don't know how. I don't know what DeSX Machina we're going to tap into to thwart you. Maybe a magical, I don't know, blessed arrow that has been dipped in the water. of the highest, like, I don't know.

But you're going to lose. And the world will be fractured, but it will rebuild itself into something new. Just to clarify. Yep. You think I am going to lose because of some masterful strategy you have? Oh, no.

Or you know I'm going to lose. But if you could see my intelligence sort of rating, by which I mean, I guess my grades, you would know that I, a master strategist, am not. You're going to lose because that's part of the plan. Not my plan, the plan of the actual embodiment of chaos in order. So that's that's the path we're on right now. And we don't want to be on that path. And we're assuming that you now super don't want to be on that path. Do you follow me so far.

Yes. So if according to what you're saying, if this war goes forward, I will lose. You will lose and hell will be the dominion of the winners, which I guess is us. You lose everything. I don't know what I would do

with hell. I don't know what I do with hell either. We could turn it into a pretty badass wreck room or something. Income property. So if I wanted to avoid that fate, All I have to do is kill you now. Damn it. I didn't think about that, Gray. I'll be straight with you.

But if you do that, you're never going home. Explain. I mean, who do you think allowed the barrier between our worlds to be pierced? I think you're, I take your silence as a sort of slow, uh, coming to grips with the truth of the matter. Why would chaos and order lock me from my? home. How does that benefit the war they desire? I'm going to be straight with you. I don't think they care about you at all.

So where you end up, whether you live or die, it's not necessarily the most important thing to them. I'm sure that you were an afterthought when they patched up the hole, so to speak. The players are getting played, my friend. Yep. What he said. Actually, the players playing the players are getting, that's confusing. I am going to destroy them. And you and everyone who gets in my way, this will not stand. I would caution you, grey. This is a plane that has been constructed for...

trapping you and us specifically. They have the advantage of infinite intelligence and time. The only way you are going to change this now is to be very, very smart. The one thing they want from you. The one thing is chaos. Master Fierborg, I am a prince of hell. I control three planes.

I have an army of demons and monsters and fiends. Do you think I need advice from a child? I am a fearbug working on a minor in accounting. We can all change our stripes. And he turns in a rage and continues to demolish the room, smashing desks and chairs and bookshelves. but the one thing he is not attacking, notably, is the three of you, which seems like progress. A victory, yeah.

Yeah, to win. I think we beat the final boss. And after, let's say, far longer than it should have taken for him to expend a bit of his energy, he turns huffing and says, so, why come to me? You have friends, you have powerful allies, and I think more than anyone on this plane of existence, you have no reason to come to me. I want you dead. And the only thing stopping me from killing you right now is I want chaos and order slightly more dead than I want you. So your time is almost up. Explain to me why I shouldn't hurl you out of the window.

Have you ever heard the phrase, the enemy of my enemy is my sort of tenuous, extremely tenuous associate? Because I think that's an arrangement we could come to. We have an idea that could potentially satisfy chaos and orders desires. It will not involve much bloodshed. I don't like that. I assumed that you wouldn't.

But you help us. We thwart this plan that chaos and order have. And then we go back to our own planes. You keep hell, we keep here. And that's the end of the story. I have a question for you, Gray. Why did, you know, you've said all along, you want this war, you wanted this war, you wanted this war, why? For blood and chaos and conflict and victory, the same reason anybody goes to war.

So, so, well, now there are other reasons to go to war. Sometimes it's for oil. Oil, yeah. You know, sometimes war brings a little bit of peace, you know, after. after the war, but you said for chaos. So like, chaos is your boss? Chaos pulls your strings and tells you what to do? Lower case C, chaos, Argo.

I am... Do I need one more time for those in the back? I am a fucking demon prince. Do you think I wanted to go to war because I was trying to achieve some kind of equilibrium? some kind of structured peace settlement, or could it be that I, a prince of hell, wanted to murder and slaughter and cause the death of as many people as I could because it's fucking fun. And then what?

I'd do it again. I would go from place... How do you do it again? How do you do it again if you killed everybody? How do you do it again? I would move to the next continent, and I'd kill everyone there. And then I'd move to the next continent. next continent and I'd kill everyone

there and when everyone in this plane was dead I would go to a different plane and I would murder everyone there and so on and so forth because there are inless planes and inless flows of blood and that's what I want and I get what I want do what is there not to? And he launches into another

rage and continues smashing more furniture. I doubt we could forge an alliance of sorts I see that is not working this will not be we should go

enjoy your private war on furniture I start walking away I didn't say no I guess we were reading your body language a little bit non-verbal signs it was implied

implied no what we are doing gray will have opportunities to bring unimaginable harm against innocent people of this realm. And I have to make this explicitly clear. Our goal is not to harm people as much as it is to harm certain institutions. Before we have any kind of agreement between the two of us, we need to know that you will follow that rule that you will

not bring unnecessary harm to anyone because if you do we'll find some way to beat you because we have it on pretty good order that that is a thing that is possible for us. Define unnecessary.

Okay. Like if we wanted to like I don't know destroy a building or something? We would probably... I'd blow it up. Yes.

Well, but... Okay. But think about what you just said and say it back again. Before you blow it up, you would... Probably plant some kind of charges or detonate or plan the spell ahead of time. Inside the building. Oh, is there treasured? Um, sort of like a treasure of life, you know?

Mm, God's treasure. God's treasure. So you're almost there, and I feel like we could walk you there eventually, but just to cut to the point you would evacuate the building first. So just to clarify, in your plan, I get to cause destruction, but not death. Yeah, yeah. And let me say, you're really, really good at that, just looking around this room, like you're going to absolutely no pun intended crush it. Are there other parts of demon life that you'd be interested in besides just like killing? I mean, like you just mentioned treasure. Is there a lot of greed kind of in the whole demon makeup?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure the coffers of certain institutions are well-lined. Boy, how boy could you clean up on treasure with our help. Who-hoo! Treasure would help fund mortal wars. Damn, there you go. But not with... I'm lost. Not with us.

Sure. I will agree to your terms on one condition. I feel like it's going to be pretty gnarly, but go right ahead. Part of your plan. In fact, a main part of your plan must include getting me access to my hell dimension. I have a condition for that condition. That gateway, whatever it ends up being. is going to be one way.

In business terms, that's a codicil. A sort of appendices, yes. And I hold out my hand. And I get my notary stamp ready. I think we can come to an agreement. And he shakes your hands. I take a picture. I still have a camera if you remember.

Yeah, he definitely turns back. He does the like, you know, kind of face. They're like shaking hands. Right. It's a moment. We just in a business deal face? Yeah, I do the rabbit ears thing behind his head. We have a banner hanging up behind us that says mission accomplished on it.

And a big fake check. Yeah. And he turns back and he says, so, what's the plan? Damn, we hope you would have. Ah, crazy. What we have is an outline. A sketch. A sketchy outline.

We're doing a little coalition building. So we'll get back to you on that plan once we know what we'll be able to achieve. But you being on, you know, Team Thunderman is huge for us. Huge. That's a big get. Big get. If I may offer a suggestion, boss. Look at this already paying dividends.

We made the title for you, by the way. How about Demon Prince? Hmm, the DP. Look it on a business card. The DP? Yeah. Well, you could be the vice president, demon prince, or the VP. I already very much am regretting this.

I want you to know that. Okay. Vice president of regret. Come on. This is a safe, this is the imaginatorium. That's what your office is called. Let's do a little blue sky. What you got?

When you say institution, yes. I assume you are referring to the institution, the institution, the heroism. the Heroic Oversight Guild. Am I wrong? You cracked the code. Yep. While I may not be able to open a rift back to my dimension, I can still open rifts between locations in this dimension.

I can send you to the Heroic Oversight Guild and save you two weeks of travel. Right now? I didn't pack like an overnight bag or anything. Go collect. whatever the fuck you need and come back here. Ah, this is very kind of you. Thank you very much. See, already contributed.

Get the fuck out of my office. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay. And I try to shut the door on the way out, but it's still all broken. It just falls the other way. I just very gently set it back down. So you now have some time to get your shit together. Uh, before heading to, uh, the HQ.

of the heroic oversight guild to progress the story. Yeah, I'm assuming this is going to be a reconnaissance sort of explorate. Are we on the same page about that? Like, this is not us walking through the final door to... Are you asking me? Yes. No, I'm asking Juice and Dad. Like, we're not imagining this as the final confrontation, as much as it is, us sort of scoping out the joint.

Well, I don't know If we're going to go there We're not going to have an easy way back That I know of so we should have a plan I mean we've got flying Flying horse friends So I'm not necessarily worried about transit We should talk to Althea though

That's what I think I think we need to To have a little rap session with Althea The last time we talked with Althea She and Hieronymus headed to The Heroic Oversight Guild To try to work on things getting you the blessed weapons.

I assume she'll be our sort of contact on the ground. I'd like to see Festo to talk about my missing skill set. Okay. Just because magic is basically all I'm a level three barbarian on top of that. But even then, I'm a magic barbarian. Let's start there. So as you're heading back to your dorms, the three of you are heading that way. and you Fitzroy

see Festo in the fantasy quad and it appears that they are playing with a tiny hacky sack um full of magic beans oh obviously

sweet sacking bro thank you I hope you don't mind my use of the colloquial bro no I know that bro can be unisex in this fantasy world in which we live fantastic

you know I'm known to sack around down at the I'll tell you who's wild about sacking is basically everyone at Clyde Knight's night night school. Oh yeah? Let's sack, bro. Then we sack for like 35 minutes. Yeah, it's nice.

And then Festo leaves. The world ends. Wait, wait, wait, wait, don't leave. Not with a bang, but with a hacky sack. Yeah. Hey, real quick, before you go. Yes. I imagine we're, like, sitting in the shade of a tree as I, like, rub this sweat off and

for it. Yeah. We've got that post sack glow. Yeah. Okay, so this is going to come as probably quite a shock to you. But I... No, I won't go on a date with you. I'm a professor.

That would be wildly inappropriate. Hugely unethical, but that's for sure not where I was going with this. I lost my powers. What the fuck? Yeah, see. Yes, I found out... Snippers! Yeah, that was my first thought for sure, too, and it weighs heavy on my heart so.

in stomach, but it's, I found my patron of magic, and they sort of cut me off from their supple utter of magic. And so that was the worst imaginable way for me to put that, but horrid. Yeah, that was disgusting. I, I can't, I can't do magic anymore, Festo. And, Well, just use your own magic. Uh, yeah. Let me tap into the magic inside me. and that's like, what, going to help me win the big basketball game? Because I look down in my heart and I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have sort of my own brand. Well, I've been thinking about it. What you said about using magic in the crypt?

And without your own source of magic, you wouldn't have been able to. So just use your own magic. I don't really know how to do that, Festo. The same way you use any magic? Close your eyes. Clear your mind and just cast. This is literally a Michael's secret stuff situation. And I just want everyone to recognize that.

Now I should speak as Griffin because I don't think Fitzroy would know about the movie Space Jam. Well, unless there's a fantasy version, some kind of like perhaps like a Panama. Yeah, a hominy plane jam. Well, I mean, maybe there's like a Punch and Judy show where they do Space Jam. Okay, so just so I'm clear. I was able to cast magic in the crypt with my own magic, and I just did it naturally because I didn't know that I didn't have the chaos magic? Yeah.

Okay, but how do I get my brain back in that space? Like, now I know I don't know. Dude, you're the fucking, you're... I don't know. This is, Festo, you have changed my life in incalculable ways, but this is the least helpful you've ever been. Well, as a fairy, my magic is natural. I don't think about, I've never had to worry about it.

Right. And so, this is, I, I know how to do a spell. I don't know how to access my own mansion. I mean, stop getting in your own fucking way, I guess. All right. Sorry for all the cursing. It's been a lot, yeah. We were just talking to Gray, and Gray cussed up just a cloud of dark funk.

I was having some morning dude. before my hacky sack, and that's what I call whiskey. Okay. All right, Festo, I guess I'll try and find the magic within me. I thought I already did that, but I guess I only made it down to like my torso. I'll dig down deeper. Maybe there's something in my, like, lower thigh that's like, ooh, there it is. Yep.

Clear your mind. Take a breath. Are you ready? Yep. And cast. Yeah, I don't think anything happens. Span 8 Griffiths Densions and Dragons Just say something did happen

Yeah I think okay At least try Yeah Come on try to cast How about we roll for it Okay What do you think

Roll a D20 And add your spell casting modifier Okay Not great That is a 5 plus 4 a 9 Okay So you roll

And you close your eyes You clear your minds When you open your eyes, you feel a little tickle on your hand. And you look down and on the palm of your hand, there is a tiny spectral crab. Very small, about the size of a spider, but you'd know it anywhere. It's a tiny snippers. With a different color. What color is your magic? Your magic, Fitzroy. Um, golden. A tiny golden spectral crab, and it scuttles in your hand back and forth and waves its crabby claws in the air as if saying hello.

Are you the same snippers as before? I, what's that, was that a yes? Okay, you, my sweet son, I didn't think you could get any more adorable and perfect, and yet here you are. So I guess just keep practicing that? Yeah. Yes, I imagine I'll be able, the ballistic properties of this little guy are going to be out of this world. I can really chuck him through a bad guy now. So I thank you for that.

And I guess I'll start working on fireballs and stuff too. So moving forward, Griffin. And so from behind, I slap him in the head. Another crap comes out. What the fuck? Moving forward, whenever you wish to cast a spell. You must be slapped in the head. You must be slapped?

No, you're going to roll a D20 and add your spell casting. modifier, and anything you can think of that would help Fitzroy to clear his mind and doing anything like that will grant you bonuses and advantage and anything like that. Cool. But it's going to be all about Fitzroy learning to deal with his anxieties and his blocks and everything and conquer the magic within. I think that makes a lot of sense. So what's your prep look like as you head for this recon?

Do I have all my earthly possessions at all time? on my character sheet. You still have, so a lot of your stuff, if you remember like magical items, that kind of thing, you had to check in with the Bursar. And, you know, most of your stuff. Fear, Bulg, you don't have a lot of shit. So I assume probably you are able to carry a lot of

the things you have. But if there's anyone you want to talk to, anybody you want to check in with, anything you want to grab before you go, this is the time to do it. I feel like we should check in with Rainier. Cool. Doesn't it make sense to have, if we're going to teleport into a pretty dangerous sit, doesn't it make sense to have somebody back here who knows what's going on?

Yeah, I mean, we've been pretty straightforward with Rainier thus far, so I don't see why we would keep this from her. And I would like to talk to Barb at some point. Well, Barb's not here on campus, and she's a little far away, but you could probably send her a letter. if you wanted to. Okay. That was the bartender.

The bartender who was Blood Hawk Barb. Good friends with Althea. Oh, yeah, good point. Correct. They had, they went to the academy together and something happened. So I, let me,

let me work on composing that letter in my mind. X, oh, your mind's eye. Dear Barb, how are you? It's me, you gear. And a you. Sorry, for our listeners who are new to the show, our daddy can't think so he says the stuff he can't think his brain doesn't think yeah and so he just says stuff so it may it's gonna be bad audio it'll be confusing but just for my information how far away

is barb where is bar she is in last hope i thought the barb was on campus no she's in last hope the town right outside of of uh school it's about a half like you know an hour or two by cart you go in search of Rainier and you find her in the dining hall having lunch. She is playing with a squirrel skeleton, throwing, you know, little bits of food and having it go get it and bring it back to her. The squirrel does creep me out, though. Of course. Oh, hi. Hi, guys.

Greetings. Hey. And I casually drape my cloak over the squirrel skeleton, so I don't have to look at that. Now your cloak is just kind of moving around. Is that better? It's way better. And bones. Yes, so much better.

Because I can pretend it's like a cute ghost with stylish fashion. Fair. Developments have occurred. Yes. We're still going to war, right? Oh. Guys, do you want to try and sort of condense down what's up? I will attempt this.

Okay. So chaos is a part. An order is a person. Okay. Sort of person gods. Yes. Okay. They want us to do the war to shake things up.

Okay. Because Dyn is for balance, is to keep things, it's confusing. They want the war to make things bad. But we will not do this, too many will die. Okay. So we will make things bad our way. Okay. That wasn't as helpful as you might have thought.

It's a lot. Yeah. So what, hmm, so is there anything actionable in there, just I want to know what I'm okay so no war right right we we can pretty much guarantee that at this point because the warring parties have in some small capacity reconciled which may be the wildest sort of news update okay do you still want like my dad's skeleton army on standby oh that seems vice regardless. Yes. Yeah, you know what? The parties have reconciled,

but there's always chances of takesies backsees. So, yeah, I think keep them on speed dial. What we're doing next, I am starting to think maybe you should, would be, you would benefit from some plausible deniability. But we're going somewhere to do a big thing.

Okay. And you're in charge of these. entire school, I guess. Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't know why I have the jurisdiction to say something like that. But it feels right, doesn't it? It does, absolutely.

Okay, so. It feels necessary. So basically, you guys are going to go do a big thing and you want me to keep an eye on everything while you're gone? Yes. Yes. Okay. Is there anybody I can trust to help me?

I was going to say, you can trust Higelmiss, but he's, you know, useless. Okay, cool. You can trust cybor. Okay, so that's one. Jackal? I think Jackal is on Team Us, isn't he? Yeah, I think we've pretty much weeded out the unwholesome out. the unwholesome element.

Gary's are a crapshoot. We're not, nobody sure what team. The one Gary you can trust, which is strange, because there is a hive mind, is cool, Gary. The one with sunglasses and a half. Indeed, yes, this cool, Gary. Yeah, everyone knows cool Gary. He knows how to hang.

Trust him with my life. Okay. But he is connected to several. other carries of questionable motive. I might end up getting some of my dad's skeletons just to kind of help me, you know, like keep an eye out and keep things, like think of my guards. Is that, is that anything?

Long as we don't got to see them, sounds cool to me. Okay. I don't want you to think we're binging you or anything, Rainier. We're not going to do the big, bad thing quite yet. and I imagine we will need all hands on deck. Listen, I'm just happy to be included. You know, having a great time. I trust you.

I trust you too, Rainier. Okay. Let me know if you need help, I guess, or if you need bail money. Do you have that? We could probably figure something out. I didn't, guys, I didn't even think about... Sorry, sidebar real quick. I didn't even think about like jail.

Yeah. Jail is a distinct possibility. So you think disrupting the entire economy and sending the world into financial ashes would not be illegal? I've just been thinking about, you know, death, like getting blowed up or something. But jail is a... Other bad things that there are. The longer I think about it, the more I think jail is not just a possibility, but by far the most likely outcome. Yeah, bail money would be good.

Okay, yeah, I guess I'll, uh, you know, wait to hear from you and see what you need. Does she have the book still? Yes, she does. Okay, okay. I believe she has had the other end of it since her birthday. Yeah. You head back to your dorm, uh, to collect some supplies and, uh, Argo, you have it in mind to send a letter. Uh, and when you get there, sitting in front of, uh,

your dorm room door is a package. A box about four feet long and about two feet wide and about two feet deep. And it is addressed to you, Fitzroy. And it says it is from Gordy,

aka the Litch King, and the address says the crypt. Yeah, I've ripped that bad boy. Wait, nice try. Investigation check. Okay. Four minus one, three. You think it's a box

You've determined You know You feel the rough hewn wood You look at the dimensions You smell the cedar You look at the hinges And you think this is a box And even that he's about 80%

Yeah you're not sure I mean you've seen other boxes before But you wouldn't put money on this But if somebody else asked If they should put money on it You'd be like yeah Argo how are you with the I think Argo needs

Yeah I think Argo needs to check it out Yeah use your thieves tools Use my Thebes tools and do a, you know the check I want to do, Trabb, right? Investigation? Investigation check. The one Griffin did 30. You might remember investigation from 30 seconds ago when Griffin did it. 11 plus three.

You're even more certain it's a box. Like you would totally put money on the fact that it's a box. And with a 14, I'll go one step further and say there's definitely something in it. A fucking bunch of A bunch of scorpions With a I open I open the box

Outspring two skeletons Shit It is one of them Has gold teeth And one of them Is wearing a murkin Tibia It's Tibia and Gherkin

Are your skeletal friends From the crypt Which I don't think Argo and The Fearbolt have met right? No, correct. So how do you react to this if you're a vulgarga?

Fuck! No, it's... Listen, these two remind me a lot of you guys. I think you're going to get along great. And they have a little note pinned to them from Gordy that says, you requested them back at school. They're at your disposal. This is excellent. Okay.

So I write back a letter like, I don't know thank you. I don't know what to do with them. to take care of them. Do they eat? Do they need to drink stuff? Now, Griffin, do you really need to know that? Hey, this is Travis, your brother. Are you really worried about a skeletons eat and drink?

You can't put that together from everything you've ever seen or watched. But they need to be sustained somehow. They're sustained through magic. They're sustained through magic. Read a book. Okay. Yeah. All right.

I'm sorry, Griffin. I love you. That was mean. No, I should have told you to read a book. God, Trayson. Usually they say things like that to me. Yeah, I shouldn't have told you to read a book. That was out of line.

All right. I guess this is a party of five now. Let's, uh, I'm feeling, I'm feeling ready and raring to go. Hey, do you two fight? Uh, they have rusty cemeteries that they kind of wheeled at you, but they're just doing their idling animation at this point. So you're betting that they do, but you don't know how effectively. Can I, without having a whole scene about it, just.

take them to get some non-busted-ass gear. I mean, if we're gonna be rolling with two skeleton friends, I don't want them wielding rusty cimitars. It's embarrassing. I'm gonna say that you've got some school-issued weapons in your dorm room that you guys never used because you've got better stuff at this point. Yeah.

But, you know, you've got some nice cemitars you can give them. They're still school issued, right? So these aren't top-of-the-line magical ones. Right. That would be a cool WWE name too, Rusty Cimitar. It sounds more like a weird sex move. Well, it sounds like a finit. It could be a finisher.

Sure. Like a, okay, anyway. And you know, finisher, sex move? Not that different. Another thing, yeah. So, yeah, now you got these guys with you. Now you don't need to take them with you. If there's anything you need them to do around school, you can, or you can take them with you.

Or they are at your disposal. You don't need to have eyes on them at all times, is what I'm saying. Right. So Argo, you retire to your desk and your stationary set from the desk of Argonaut Keen. He's written a lot of letters, eh? He does, yeah. It's his thing. He believes in the power of the written word.

And Argo, what is your letter to Barb read? This is going to be great here. I'm going to stick with an old gag. Oh, good. That's not at all a scary thing to hear our dad say. Salutation, Barb. See, you start formal and you hook them. Salutation, Barb.

I hope you remember me. Argo Keen from a few weeks ago. Ducidly handsome, spiffy mustachios, say somewhat cavalier attitude. I really had the best Harvey Wallbangers ever at your bar. and that really kind of made me feel a connection. I want you to know that right now in the future, as Barb is reading this,

at this point in the letter, she is dead set, believes you're about to ask her on a date. Ah, and I really hope you felt it too. Oh, boy. Um, yeah, um, I,

I'm, uh, planning a roast of your friend Althea. You know, she's, you fucking, Mad lad. She's doing such a great job here at the academy.

Now, I know that you obviously had some, you know, some kind of falling out. I know the academy is not your favorite, you know, place. But, you know, I know you think the world of Althea, and she thinks the world of you. So I was wondering, maybe you could share some hilarious anecdotes from your time at the Academy about Althea that we could then, you know, turn around and using the roast. Also, maybe you- I'm reading over a shoulder anecdote or weaknesses. Say this.

Well, yeah. Well, that's what the funny comes in, you know. And maybe you could cater the roast, you know, a couple of kegs, you know, wet bar. But, you know, please, you know, the juicer, the better, you know, let's have. Hang them out to dry. And you know what? You know how it always works in these roasts? I mean, if you take shots at somebody else, that makes it even funnier.

So any kind of dirt or anything at all that you've got, that you could send along to me, I'm kind of under a little bit of a time crunch because this is coming up in just a couple of weeks. And I'm still putting the guest list together. So, you know, if you've got anything we can use in the roast, Barb, we would love to have you involved. and thank you so much. And I can't wait to share another one of your Harvey Wallbangers. With great affection, Argonautkin. Argonautkin, I have read this letter as you have asked for typographical errors of which there are many.

Oh. And they have been corrected, but I must ask you, as your friend. Yes. How will we be paying for this incredible event? And where will we find a time with all these other activities? We are supposed to host a roast for someone of such high regard? All expenses must be cleared through the CFO or one of his subordinates of which there are none.

You cannot justify these expenses without the price. proper paperwork and discussions and letting me as we say run it up the chain. Well, here's the thing. I was thinking if I really hook her and I really get her interested, she could underwrite it, you know, sponsored by Barb's Bar. So whatever, bartender Barb's Bar. Cater it what you meant to us. Donate.

Please send sandwiches we are, you have nothing. Donate. Well, yeah. Donate. I'm over I'm over training with the skeletons in the corner like Just take it out of petty cash We have petty cash This is a bit viable business expense

It must be accounted for Petty Cash won't cover this Also then will we find the time Who we invite? We don't even know who wants to kill us We'll stream it It's okay We can work in all out You want to do it at the stream Fantasy streaming

An excellent It's so peaceful there by the bro It's an excellent notion And much cheaper than Renting a venue And I'm spitballing. I'm spitballing here. So, you know.

We need to, if this is what the order of the day is, We need to get back up to the thinkatoria. Well, this is all I got. So this is, it worked for me before. So hopefully it'll work again. Yeah, when you hit up my mom. When you hit up my mom to find out. Your mother is a very,

your mother is a very handsome. Yes, and she told you my great weakness, which is the kind of gum I like. So, yes, the master. The master spy. I never sprung it on you. I never hit you with it. But he could at any moment. That gum you like may be about to come back in style.

He finally found a way. I've got a note right here on my fantasy whiteboard. When you least expected, I'm going to mention hot mint gum. You head back, the three of you hand back towards Gray's office. You've established some backup plans. You've let someone know, roughly, that you're going to go do something dangerous. And so if you don't return in a reasonable amount of time, they may need to help you. You know, all responsible things.

And you've collected some skeletal buddies to travel with you. And you've put some dark secret machinations in order in play to set up a fake roast. So sounds like a full day to me. A real good day. A real good day, fellas. I mean, you didn't get any weapons or money or armor or anything, but that's okay. I mean, we're going to talk to a bunch of bureaucrats. Like, I am so not afraid.

And we were going to talk to them about giving us weapons and armor. So you head back to Gray's. So the only thing we know about them for sure is that they have a bunch of kick-ass secret weapons that we don't. You make your way back to Gray's office. He has calmed down, though obviously his office is still a mess, and he doesn't seem at all perturbed by it. And he says, when you arrive in prosperity, look for a tall, black-haired woman named Terran. She is one of my moles within the heroic oversight guild. Tell her, I sent you, and she will help you in whatever way she can.

Do you have any moles here at the school? I'm not going to tell you who all my moles are. That's my business. Those are my moles. I just thought we were, you know, since we're on. I feel like they'd trust. Right. No.

We just both want to destroy the same, like, people's evil plans or whatever. Wow. I'm not going to share all my toys with you. Okay. Can I have my ring back? No. Yes. Really?

Thank you. Yes. He gives you back your ring. Thanks. Baby. It's all gross and demony. I just thought it could be like our friendship ring. You just said that you didn't want us to be friends.

I want you to be friends with me. I don't want to be friends with you. Right. Okay. Rip it and grip it. Let's get this portal going. Okay. Prosperity.

Here you come. And he rips, you know, a rift in the air and gestures you towards it. You know, that would be a great motto for our company. Prosperity, here we come. Thundermen. Yeah, I don't know how to break this to you, Argo, but I don't know that our company is going to outlive our sort of rebel operation. You shut your mouth.

Okay, I'm sorry, yes. Any day now, fellas. Okay. Oh, yeah, of course. And we leap through the portal. Welcome to the city of prosperity. The streets are not paved with gold. That would be ridiculous.

The lamppost, street signs, and mailbox are, however, gold-plated. You emerge just inside a cafe. The sign on the window reads, the drip and sip. Across the street, you see an ostentatious building. The face of which is covered in art deco-style gold relief panels depicting the epic battle between heroes and villains. The platinum lettering over the entry confirms that this is the heroic oversight guild's main headquarters. Inside the drip and sip, there are only two others.

There's the halfling barissa, bustling around and cleaning the counters. They don't seem to have noticed your sudden appearance. Standing at one of the high top tables is a tall centaur woman with long black hair. She seems so familiar. And when she looks up and makes eye contact with you, you immediately realize why. She was there. She was one of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. roll an insight check all three of you sneak preview that's not going to

oh 19 plus zero 19 uh 10 net 20 wow very insightful fitzroy and argo you realize and remember Fitzroy and argo you now remember her clearly she was always near calhane Every time you saw him, she was nearby. And with that Nat 20, you see in her eyes a fury that goes beyond bystander, and you put together that she must have been connected to Calhane in some way. And her eyes go wide, and then they narrow. And she pushes past you into the street, and she yells, guards, help.

No, no, no, no, no. And you see several helmeted heads turn. turn and make their way towards you. We're not... Oh, Pete. We should have got the knives. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

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