The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 3 "Pursued By Bear"

Episode Date: December 5, 2019

A pleasant sleep is interrupted by an unsettling messenger, but leads to a delicious meal. Then, the fellas get some fake real world experience.  Welcome back! Please enjoy! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on the Adventure Zone, Peronimus Wigginstaff's School for Heroism and Villany. Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. He likes sweet crapes. He's a failure. And when you cast, floating in front of you is a glowing, magical familiar. I want you to work with your magic. Oh, then it's a crab. I have no name.

I did choose accounting. You're right. What is the kingdom's equity in that property? This is a splittin. And he's grabbing his head as though he's trying to keep both halves of his brain together. Hargo Keene here. And you realize that this must be the skiekery teacher, Jackal. You declare what? Can we have this conversation in private sometime?

We will discuss many things. Another day has begun at Hieronymus Wigginstaff's School for Heroism and Villany. We see the dorm room. of the Fearbolg, Argo Keene, and Fitzroy Maplecourt. It's a fairly serene scene as we visit it. The three I've mentioned are all asleep or deeply meditating. In the lower bunk of Fitzroy's bed, we see a magical, shiny crab cuddled up with a hard-to-receive cat, and we see some rapid eye movement happening in our three main adventurers. They're all dreaming, whether in their meditative states or their sleeping states. So what are you all dreaming about, whoever wants to go first?

Bread. I'm dreaming about bread. In what way? I'm not going to let you off with just that bad. I'm going to need, you can't just say bread like you're dreaming about the concept of bread. You ain't never had the bread dreams. It's, this is really a scary dream because, you know, it was, he's remembering a voyage that he took, uh, on the sea. and they went to break open the stores to eat some bread, and it was just full of meal worms, and it was gross, but they had to eat it anyway. It was just a horrible, horrible experience,

and I think that's what, you know, put him on to citrus fruit pretty exclusively because the mealy worms in the bread was just nasty. I remember one time I ate some gross lima peas, lime beans for dinner one time. One time I had lima peas for dinner and they were so gross that I had to eat hamburgers the rest of my life.

It's essentially the story that dad is just told about Argo. Now, how realistic is this bread dream? Is it playing out exactly the same way as you remember it? No. Oh, no. I think it's like the typical dream. I mean, there's some serious fantasy. It's like the, you know, he goes to take a bite of the bread and the mealworms all start talking to him.

Hey, leave us alone. What are you doing? Don't eat us. And it kind of gets into a very surreal discussion with your food that is very, very off-putting. I see. This is, this is, I mean, this is a terrible dream for Argo to have. I see. He's really into it.

What about you, Fitzroy? As we've established, Sir Fitzroy Mayplort doesn't sleep in the traditional way the way he does it is so cool and that it's a half sleep half trance half elf all erotic not erotic no it's not he is i mean he sleeps with his eyes open right and it's only sort of a half asleep thing so what i envision is like how how the sort of chaotic energy inside him manifests is when he when he dreams he just sees what he sees in front of him he sees literally what is in front of his open eyes, but there are things about what he sees that are obviously, like, fantastical. Like, maybe through the windows of just what's in front of him.

He can see the fear bulks asleep on the floor, but through the window, there's a, you know, some sort of impossible storm happening outside. It's like in the, in the details are how he knows that it's not quite real life. Is that a scary experience? I think it was before this, like, I don't think he had dreams before this. I don't think that the state of sleep trance that he got into was conducive for dreams, but since his power is manifested after that fateful night in Clyde Knight's Night Night School, this has started to happen and it definitely freaked him out,

but now he has gotten a bit more acclimated to it. And what about you, Fearborg? He has the same dream that he has every night. He's at the fire and he's with his clan. And he and he and her and he and her are all gathered around the fire. And then his father stands. and points into the woods. And that's always when he wakes up.

And as the Fear Bowl wakes up, there is a tiny yet very distinct knock on the door. Snippers, attack! My crab attacks. It can't attack, but it moves violent. When I do awaken from my half-trance, it is usually fitful. The crab approaches the door

and starts tapping back on the door in the same rhythm that the knock is happening. Very good. Trick him. Trick him into thinking he's himself behind the door. This is great. They start playing a little like tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

For the love of God, please come in. The tiny tap stops, but the door doesn't open. I'm terribly sorry. Let me get the door. I'll open the door. And let's see if there's another charming little crab in there. I can't take care of two. Someone else is going to have to take this second crab.

Snippers is a real handful by himself. You open the door to see the skeleton of a squirrel there holding a note in its paws addressed to Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt. Yeah, Snippers, I'm for sure going to need you to fetch that for me. Thank you. Thank you, son. Snippers picks up the envelope and the squirrel kind of pretends it cough into its fist and hold out its hand for a second. Yeah, no, what is... I... I will help. And I hand the squirrel one berry. The squirrel nods and takes off back down the hallway. I mean, where is it going to even put that in its

skeletal digestive tract? Does it have a bone tummy? The physics of that thing... You know what, River? Maybe it's just the principle of the thing. They worked hard and it was appreciating, like being appreciated. You know what I mean? Maybe it's not going to eat it. It's just gonna sit it and know that it did a job well done. It is a grim mockery of God's rules for us on Earth, and I will never like that squirrel, but I do fetch the note from Snippers. And would it even have a tail if it was a skeleton?

There are no bones in the squirrel tail. It could have been a rat skeleton, right? Are you sure there's no bones in there? Now I've got to find out. There's fully bones in there. There's fully bones in there. There's fully bones in there. Yes, okay, so there's bones in a squirrel tail.

Although, folks, we would not know it as a squirrel. I'm looking at this thing. It sucks. It sucks on ice. You know it's a squirrel because you've seen it around. This is definitely rainier's squirrel. Sure. Okay.

I get the note from my crab. I make the crab bring me my note. Thank you, Snippers. I give Snippers a berry because Snippers eats berries. And it does eat the berry. It's very cute. And, you know, at this point, you've spent some time with Snippers. You can tell he's smiling.

So you open the note, and it reads in a very fancy script, to his royal highness, sir, and sir is written with like eight eyes and six R's, Fitzroy Maplecourt, her ladyship, Rainier, Michelle, would be pleased if you would grace her with your presence at breakfast this morning. Sincerely, her high lord ladyship, Rainier Michelle. P.S., of course, the Fearbug and Argo. are welcome as well. Snippers take a memo. My friend Rainier, comma.

I don't necessarily appreciate you making a mockery of my honorable title. But I suppose it's better than nothing. I was supposed to meet some buds at Jamba Juice. Fantasy Jamba Juice. But I suppose I can reschedule that for another time. Spoke, dictated, but not written by Sir Fitzroy Maplecord. And at that point, you realize that Snippers just has neither pen nor paper. Snippers, why did you, but snippet?

Okay. I guess you're all hungry. I was going to go get some breakfast with Rainier. I think that would be a great time. What do you think, Furbog? I will eat Okay So you're heading to the dining hall

The three of you walking together A chance for three buds to catch up Have the classes been Good It depends on the metric That you're using The show me a magic Yeah so this is

Watch this And I make snippers disappear And then reappear Right next to me It's sort of My magic tutelage has been mostly crab-based. But this is amazing. Thank you.

Yeah, it's really just the one crab. He was here. Mm-hmm. And then he was gone. And I thought, oh, no, the crab. But then he was returned. This is amazing. I suppose so, yes.

I was looking for a way to control the magics that already dwell within. This is a great pride. This is a great pride to you. you and your clan. It's some way, that's, that's a silver lining way of looking at it. I will learn this. Well, let's not, hey, let's not go whole crazy here, okay? It's a difficult spell.

It's not, not anyone can. Sure, it reappears in my hand. This is amazing. Yeah, and I can, I can read his thoughts, too. It's not a big deal. Anyway, how are your classes going? I hear you making yourself quite the businessman. This is a great shame for me.

I am. He says, dance. What is this, dunce? I've aired a cone on my head. Wait a minute. Hold on. I don't know that I'm willing to let you force that upon my school rules. I fashioned the cone for myself.

I hid it is fair with the accounting I am done. Well, keep hitting the books. What about you, Keene? Well, I lied and told someone I stole a gold piece and fooled everyone cruelly. I manipulated everyone's emotions and apparently got an A for it. I'm not sure I understand the educational process here. You've arrived at the dining hall.

You see a table and Rainier is the only one currently sitting there. The rest of the seats have been kept open by various different, you know, woodland skeletons holding down the seats so no one else would come take them so she could save them for your party. and she waves you over. And as you head over that way, all the skeletons hop down and squirrel themselves, no pun intended.

Oh, God, I feel terrible. You fucking intended that. I shouldn't. I really didn't. Squirrel themselves away in different compartments in her chair. Lady Rainier, it's lovely to see you. You look like a beautiful kelp bed.

Okay. It's so charming. Is that, I'm sorry. Is that good? Oh, yes. Yes, kelp is a beautiful vegetable. Okay, it doesn't really translate. You wouldn't say like, oh, you look like beautiful celery.

But you know what? I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Very welcome. Okay. Fitzroy, I ordered something very special for you. Hold on, and Stuart LaBeef brings it over. Sets it down, nods slightly to Rainier, and walks some.

away and it's a covered dish. If there is, let's discuss options. If there's a crab under there, you know I'm going to be upset. It's not a crab. Don't be gross. If there is a bone skeleton rat of some sort, I'm going to be upset. That is also not ideal, right? Yeah.

Why would that even, I mean, okay, that'd be funny. Don't get me wrong, that'd be funny, but no. So what's under the... Open it! Okay. open it. And it's a sweet crepe loaded with berries and cream. Oh, Rainier, you knew.

These are some of my... You've been talking about it for the last two weeks. How did you know, Rayne? You won't shut up. Yes, you keep saying. You talk about crapes every day. Rainier, this almost forgives you awakening me and my compatriots here with a bone skeleton monster from hell that is not right or proper for...

this world that we walk in and live in. Should I have sent the raccoon? I felt like I should have sent the raccoon. You know I like the raccoon, actually. He's a scoundrel, but thank you, Rania. This is very thoughtful. You're welcome. Have a seat.

I sit. Okay. Oh, wait, did you say that as Griven or as Finsroy? I sit. I do sit. Thank you for asking. That sitting is one of my top things to do. I wanted to check in with you, Fitzroy,

and see how you're adjusting. Accepting might be a better term. Coming to grips with, I have been sort of ping-ponging around the stages of grief. And it feels like... Which one are you on now? I'm on the one where before you can control the magic that has destroyed your life,

you first have to befriend a crab. So whichever one that is, I feel like maybe... I think it's maybe bargaining. But that's sort of where I'm at now. But, you know, I suppose there are worse places I could be as I wait to continue my matriculation at Clyde Nights Night Night School. Oh, so that's still your plan, is to get a handle on this and finish up there. Yes, I don't know why the plan would change.

Well, I mean, they, sorry, kicked you out and you got welcomed here, so why would you leave here? to go back there? You may not understand my reasons for being here at all. I need to finish my tutelage at Clyde Knight's Night School. I am promised. I have made a vow to the kingdom of Goodcastle, where I must away once I finish my training at Clyde Knight's Night Night School, which I cannot complete until I finish my training here

at the Wiggin' Poofs School for Bads and Goods. And so once I do that, I will make my way to Good Castle where I shall serve in the Queen's Guard and live out the rest of my days. Have you? Hmm. I told you all this, yes? Yes, I just thought that at this point, you know,

it's been a couple weeks, you've gotten used to the place, you've made some new friends, but, you know, you'd see that you're welcome. here and they didn't welcome you there. They didn't appreciate you the way. We appreciate you here. That might be true, but I was welcomed by the kingdom of Goodcastle. I received a letter from them awarding me my knighthood as long as I sent them a customary filing fee of 200 gold pieces, and they would give me my title of knighthood. And so they were kind enough to do that for me. and then after a few more customary payments to them,

I got a little scroll saying I'm a knight, and now I have to make my way there. There was no map, and I don't really know where a good castle... Argo. Yes. Argo. Yes. What?

This 200 gold, this is very much or very little. No, oh, no, it's a lot, and it... Oh. It sounds a little... Shady to me. A great shame. This seems like a great shame. Should we say something to him?

Or, I mean, I assume we're at a big table and we're on the other side and, you know, sitting where the peasants sit. We are down here. Yeah. Oh, we're down. Yeah, I just assume you ducked under the table. We are under the table. We should. I have upended it with my large frame.

Oh, that's a... My crape! It's a great shame. Yeah. The squirrel caught the crows. Great, don't worry. Oh, thank you, Scott. We should say something to Fitzroy, don't you think?

This is, I do not think I am the best for finance advising. Right, right. You know what, though, telling a pompous guy that he's been an ass, that's really right in my wheelhouse. I'm going to tell him. So, and that's why I need to do this for my extremely sick nephew. Yes, you were saying, yes, Argo, yes. I was sorry, I was telling a story about how my knighthood was going to benefit my extremely sick nephew.

Yes, oh, absolutely. And that sounds wonderful, just absolutely wonderful, but you never, like, showed up and learned a sword fight or, you know, how to. I studied for years at Clyde Knight's night school. And then all they had, you had to do was give them some gold. and they gave you a knighthood? No, I had to pay gold to the Kingdom of Goodcastle. Uh-huh, uh-huh. The clandestine secret kingdom, whose location cannot be revealed or else their enemies will come and crush them.

Ah, I see. And you don't think that's a little weird? It is unusual, but, you know, beggars cannot be choosers. I have sworn fealty to Goodcastle, who am I to judge their secrecy? Just to check in, where is Goodcastle? Yes, if they were attacked, where would you go to defend them? Ah, beyond the seas somewhere. So secretive is their nature that they will not tell me until I have completed my tutelage at Clad Night School,

and then I assume I will receive some sort of crow with a map. One more question Sirfitt's right Yes When you received the first letter from Goodcastle Was it addressed to whom it made concern How did you know that? Okay

But this is amazing How did you know this? Well Huh So That This crape is incredible By the way

I am having a love affair Oh look Oh it looks like Gary has some announcements Oh what an unfortunate an interruption. Hey, everybody, it's me, Gary. The Gargoyle, not a different Gary. Don't know if you all have met other Garrys.

I mean, not other Gary, the Gargoy, the Gargoy, other non-gargoil Garys. You get it. So I got an announcement here. This is just for the three of you. And he points to the Fearborg, Argo, and Fitzroy, and says, a very special day. It's your all's turn. For the first half of the day, you're going to take a talk. turn in the test tavern with Dakota and work on your people skills. And then the second half of the

day, you're going to spend some time down in the dungeon with Jimson. And in between there, Fitzroy, you do have detention. Don't forget about that. This is the last one. So you're going to be meeting with Higlemus up in his office today. So yeah. In Any questions for old Gary? Okay, cool. Thanks for making me feel useful. You can head on down to that their test tavern and meet with Dakota whenever you're ready. Finish my crepe first.

Okay, is that, is that okay with you, Gary? Oh, I'm sorry, you're asking questions old Gary now? Now it's not, yeah, you can eat your crepe. You've earned it. Oh, God. Oh god, I should ask. At this point, we know of Fitzroy's love of Crips. We know of Argo's strange relationship with limes.

What does the Fearbug eat? I mean, excuse me. The stuff he'd gotten used to in the forest was more like berries foraged stuff. He will, he's not a vegetarian. He will eat, you know, small rodentia. I think at this school, though, he has probably been sticking closer to berries and produce. I think some of the fancier, perhaps saucier dishes maybe are not to his liking. That squirrel skeleton would put you off Rodentia for quite a while.

Okay, well, are you all ready to head down to vet beer test a tavern? Sure, I could use a Bev. A test beer? Yeah. So you head into the test tavern. At the door is Rhodes the Ranger. Rhodes is going to be your hero for this session. And when you arrive, it's relatively empty.

In fact, it's almost completely empty, except for one person seemingly passed out at the bar. The test begun, Rhodes. Honestly, I have no idea. I have heard. Uh, okay. Between us, teacher, Dakota. They like the beverage, you know, so maybe that's them?

Oh, that's a mighty early start to, you know, hoisting a few. I mean, it's still morning, isn't it? It could be a late end. We should check and see if they're okay, shouldn't we? Argo, I hope you don't read this as an insult, but you are the most degenerate of the three of us. Do you mind taking the lead on this one? No, oh, certainly not. Now, let me go up and see who it is and see if they're okay.

Hello. Friend, unconscious person, are you okay? Are you all right? Could you use some, I don't know, juice or a cookie or something? Of course, that makes it sound like you just gave blood. It is possible. Maybe they're all tired out from giving blood. Are you okay?

And they don't move? I'm going to do a Dungeons and Dragons move. Step back, everyone. I'm rolling dice. I'll do an investigation check of three. You can't tell anything. Okay, I'm going to reach up and put my fingers on their neck. And as soon as you touch them, they turn around and go, whoa!

Just kidding. It's me, Germain. and it's the skeleton from the practice dungeon and a person all clad in dark black and red leather stands up from behind the bar and says, So what are you learned? You are very gifted pretender. Yes, that is a good lesson.

But rule number one, when you're walking around the time, one, never assume anybody is who they say they are. And two, never assume anybody's drunk. that's something you can use to your advantage drink water instead of beer make it look like you're getting drunk make people see you as a drunk take advantage of that but never assume someone else is drunk that will get you in trouble to be honest we didn't think you were drunk we thought she was dead fair but you weren't on your guard okay i'm gonna go back over to the dungeon i'll see you guys over there later bye so bye uh so what can we do that test again what was the Oh, that wasn't the test. Oh, no, that was just a little fun for me. My name's Dakota, by the way. I'm going to teach you all here some people skills. I'm going to teach you how to interact with your standard tavern goers to get some information. Now, here's the deal. I'm going to set you up with some people around here that you're going to ask some questions out. Now, you can use whatever methods you want to, but you are looking for a couple pieces of information. Now, one of the folks in here is going to have a map that's going to lead you to a treasure-filled cave. You're trying to get that map from them. One of them...

Oh, great. Are you going to let me finish, or... Yeah, I'm just excited about the treasure. He likes treasure. It's not... Okay. It's not real treasure, Argo. You people!

You people offering money and... Okay, sorry. If someone says to you, you have five apples and I take one away, you know they're not giving you apples, right? Don't, don't talk like that. Please, for God's love. Okay, sorry. Please, for a forest.

All right. So one of the folks here is going to have a map that you're trying to get to a Treasurefield cave. One of them can sneak you into the castle for some, you know, casual-based mission. And one of the people in here is a fence for stolen goods, and you're trying to find them out. But here's the catch. One or more of the folks in here might be undercover members of the city watch. So watch yourselves, all right?

You all ready to start? Um, no. Yes. Okay, great. And they reach underneath, and they pull a lever, and you see some runes light up carved into the cross beams of the room. And suddenly the room is filled with illusionary in PCs. Fucking hollow deck, yes. That's radical.

Is this our first time in, I know you said there's been a bit of a time jump. Is this our first time in the training tavern? Yeah, this is your first time with the trading tavern proper when you weren't just like hanging out and drinking. Okay. Again, Argo, a lot of this seems like degenerate work. Is there any way that you know to tell a city watch by sight or smell or sound? You know what?

Usually the people like in dark glasses, and they keep holding their wrists up to their mouth and talking into it, that's usually a sign that they're a copper. So I think maybe that's who we want to avoid. As Argo says that, you look around the room and realize every illusionary NPC looks exactly the same. Exactly the same? Yes. Okay.

Well, okay, Rhodes, I suppose you're our boss. or something? What's the play here? Okay, well, as I see it, we have to think about placement, right? That's the first key to figuring out who to talk to. So if you were looking for a fence,

they probably wouldn't be, you know, near a window or the door, right? They'd probably be back in a corner. Unless that's what they want you to think. Or maybe that's what they would want you to think that that's what, They want you to think. I have a plan.

Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. What is it? I will ask, who is it divach? Then they say yes. Viven. Uh, that might not. That might not.

No, I think it's a fine idea. Let him do it. Pretend you're in trouble. And you need a... city watchman. I will not do this. Oh, I thought you said you would. I will not pretend.

I'm going to take some of my most shiny and most clearly expensive kit. I reach into my bag. I put on several brooches, brooches with pearl and breeches and pearl and platinum and emerald, just beautiful.

and I got some, you know, guy put, I slip on some of my best rings. And then I just want to kind of like, you know, walk peacock a little bit and see if I can attract any other rogues other than Argo. Huh. Okay. Give me a performance, Chuck. That's a 12 plus 2, 14. Okay, yeah, you get some turned heads.

It's hard for you to tell how many of them. are like interested in stealing the goods versus how many of them are interested in what is going on. But you do notice not everybody turns. You get, I would say about two-thirds of the room seems to be interested. Okay. Okay. Argo's going to stealth around the room and try to listen in on conversations of the characters around the tables. Okay, great.

Give me a stealth check. Stealth. That is an 11 plus 8. That's 19th. That's so good. You over here near, I would say, near the door to the kitchen. You hear someone say, yeah, I work in the castle. I do a lot of the cleaning, but no one ever seems to pay a lot of attention to me.

That's a fucking cop. Hey, guys, that one's the thing. cop okay I'm gonna go talk to that Argo's gonna go talk to that person well hello person uh hello listen I just wanted to tell you I was uh I was visiting the castle last week you were and oh yes yes um I didn't see you there well no I mean I wasn't there for very long and I have to tell you that it was so clean it spiffy, not a speck of dirt. I admire your work.

Now, this was, this was in one of the chambers. I wasn't allowed in one of the main. Which chamber did you think was the cleanest? Seven C. Seven C, it was, it was, you're going to have to do a deception check here for me, old Clinton. Yeah, a pretty good one because that's the fucking wildest thing I've ever heard. Well, the seven C's, see, that's what.

No, yeah, that doesn't make the lie better. Oh, okay. You could have said bathroom or kitchen. 13 plus 4. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to be appreciated. Well, and I just wanted you to know that 7C that I'm just guessing that was your work because it was... Oh, yes.

That's one of my favorite rooms to clean. So many nukes. Is there one that is even cleaner that you're really, really proud of? Oh, yes. There are inner chambers. I spend a lot of time on because it's where the royal family lives. Oh, I would love to sneak a Pikachu work because I'm going to tell you, I'm a fan. I'm a huge fan.

Could I, is there a way that you could show me one of these rooms with all of the nooks and and would there be crannies? Would there be crannies as well? Well, there are crannies, but I don't know about all this. I'm not supposed to bring friends in. Well, we're not friends. Oh, that hurts my feelings. No, this is how we would become friends.

I'm admiring your work. I want to see more. I want to know your work in that way. Get to know you. You're going to have to roll a persuasion check. Good Lord. Yeah. It's a class.

It's a test. What is the long, what is the long, what is the long game here? What is the goal that you're trying to achieve? out of curiosity. What, Argo? Yeah. He's trying to get into that room. He's trying to, that was one of the, one of the chores they were given, wasn't it? Yeah. Correct. Yeah, sure. So get into the room. It's, we're playing spy party up in here. Okay, get into the room. Yes. This one. Okay. Somebody has a map to a treasure field cave. Okay. Somebody is a fence for stolen goods. And we're just trying to find and

identify those people. Without getting busted by a cop. Okay. I rolled a 10 plus two, that's a 12. I don't know. I would like to become friends with you, and I would like to show off my work, but what if I get in trouble? Oh, no. For showing something you're proud of? No, friend, that's what it's all about, is taking pride and workmanship.

There's nothing wrong with that. That's nothing to be ashamed of them. No one's going to be upset because you showed me something that you're proud to have accomplished. Let your light shine. Let your light shine, my friend. I don't know. I've been yelled at before. Now, I will say your persuasion check kept them on the hook,

but you're going to have to try a different tactic to fully lock it down. All right. Let me be honest with you. Okay. And I'm not supposed to say anything. Okay. I'm actually one of those secret inspectors. You know, the ones that inspect hotel rooms and the light reviews.

Yes. Of course. I'm with Castle Quarterly, and I just have loved what I've seen so far, and I would love to give you a terrific rating. But I'm basically an honest journalist. I don't want to make something up. And I just, if you could like get me in there just, even just for a cursory look. Give me a deception check there, Dad. A dirty 20.

It's a 16 plus four. Okay. I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. So that's a big, that's a big, you hear Dakota say. All right, that's a big checkmark on that one. Argo, great work. Thank you. And Rhodes says, okay, so while you were doing that, I was scoping around.

There's an MPC near the back there in a booth, kind of darting their eyes around a bunch, you know, hunched over. Maybe that's the fence? Is it, is it, Rhodes said NPC? Yeah. I mean, they're virtual. They're hologram. I'll give Rhodes that. It's a non-person character.

I'll talk to that person. Okay. You do that, and then if you get in trouble, you do the blame-taking thing, right? And then I'll come over and see if I can sort it out, right? So it'll be, you go, you go, you go. Okay, where are they? In the back corner, basically the corner opposite,

like diagonally opposite from the door. Okay. I'll approach them. Greetings. Hello! I need fence. I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. You are a fence.

No, I'm a human. I thought this was strange. Okay. You did not look like fence. I think we might be having a miscommunication, friend. Which is fence? Why? I wouldn't know what you're talking about.

I am sorry to FaceTime. How did it go, Fierre Volk, friend? This is a great shame. Oh, it sounds like you really need a win. This, uh, the... One thing. This is not. defense.

I have asked this. Okay. I try again. I'll go to the closest person to the first person. I need you to be fence. Excuse me? I need you to be fence. Well, you should know that the selling or buying of stolen goods is illegal in this city.

Yes. So you trying to find a fence could be seen as a criminal act. It is for game. We are doing a, he's doing a scavenger hunt. I will not buy or sell this. I have nothing. I find for game. I don't. Okay.

I give you three berries. Are you trying to bribe me? No, he's buying. I buy defense. You tell me you are defense. I give you tree berries is a good trade. Okay, give me a perception check, Fearvolg. My strong suit.

That is a 16 plus 6.22. is your strong suit. Out of the corner of your eye. Yeah. You see the first person you were talking to furiously waving you back over to their table. Yes. Okay, you have to keep it down,

or you're going to get me busted. I will be very quiet. Yes, you can't keep speaking in such loud tones about offense. I am sorry, do you know who is defense? Jesus Christ. He is? This will be difficult.

I am the fence. Duh. No, no, no. This is not right. I ask. I ask you first. You say, no, I am not defense. I need defense.

I was lying. You just want to play in game. Now you hear it is game. You want to play. Okay. Well, two can play at this game. I will not accept this. I feel ask again

Oh my God Um Argo Yes Yes I have ruled out too And I am very tired You're doing

Smashingly well though I'm really I really admire what you've been doing so far You know two of them are not Are you actually looking for like a structure When you ask someone if they're a fence Ah yes That we may have a slight

communication problem. A fence. What is, what is fence? A fence, I think what they're looking for is someone who will exchange goods for you. A seller. Yes. All those accounting classes are really taking off, aren't they? Yes.

They will take your goods and sell them for you. They're like entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. Yes. Entrepreneur, small business owner. Yes. Yeah, that's so that's what you're looking for. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So go try again. I will do this. Ah, friend, this is a mistake. You are entrepreneur. Yes, that's how I like to think of myself. This is noble. It's very difficult. 80% of small businesses fall within the first year.

This is a noble thing. You sound like you really know your stuff. I am trying. Give me a persuasion check. 14 plus... 1.15. He is moved by your hard work and your business knowledge. And he says, you seem like someone I would be happy to get in.

business with? This is a great mistake for you. I am just beginning classes. I have two weeks. Accounting training.

Hard worker. But I must be honest. I am dunts. Okay. I just meant that I would buy your stolen goods and then sell them for a profit. I have no stolen goods entrepreneur.

I understand. It's very difficult. This, uh, starting small business, but I have no stolen good for you. Okay. Well, if you come upon any stolen goods, you know where to find me.

Here. Yes. And Dakota says, all right, that was great. Uh, well, you went about it your own way.

I will lay down. Okay. You need a little nap. All right. You worked hard. You got there. I'm proud of how you didn't give up. All right, Fitzroy.

This one's on you. Yes. Go find yourself that treasured map. Sure, I've got a great plan. I turn to Rhodes. I say, Rhodes, I have a plan. It's like a big lie I'm going to do. And it's going to get us there.

But I need you to play along, okay? All right. Yeah, so anyway, I found this case. full, just chock a block full of treasure. And I cleaned it right out. And it was all this stuff, all these rings and so many brooches and brooches and pendants. And I am just, I am up to my gills in brooches. So yeah, cleaned it right out.

So you don't have to worry about that one, Rhodes. Oh, yeah. That explains all of your fancy goods and whatnot. Yeah, like I said, yeah, I just explained it to you. Because you're wearing all the rings and brooches. Broads, are you? Yeah, you said play along, but you didn't say like, in what way? Just say like, oh, so you're right.

Okay, this one is also on me. But just seem impressed by how good I did. Ooh. Now give me a performance check. Or would you rather, I'll give you the option. Are you relying on your ability to sell this, or are you relying on the quality of the lie? I am relying on the quality of the lie based on the prop work that I've already established.

Okay, great. Then give me a deception roll with advantage. Oh. That's a 12 plus 416 and a 15 plus 419. Excellent. You see someone to stand up and slam their hands on the table and say, Hey, you need to come over here and talk to me right now, mister. I mosey on over.

Hey, how's it going? What gives you the right to clean out that cave? That cave's mine. Uh, sorry, friend, but I stumbled across it. I was hunting a big elk. Uh, took it down. Me and some of my buddies were out in the woods, and I, I just walked head first in this cave, bunked my head on a stalactite.

And so, uh, yeah, and there's just chock-a-wadthead. Wait a minute. That cave only has stalagmites in it. I was upside down. I was doing a hen stand, so. Okay. Well, then I guess we have nothing else to talk about. Wait, so you're telling me, this is so funny. And it's a small world, and I love little coinkie-dinks like this,

but you're telling me that you actually, you had known about this cave as well? Yes, I had just bought this very expensive map off of a trader. I hadn't gotten to go out and visit the cave yet, but he told me it was. a beautiful cave full of stalagmites. Oh, that's bad luck, friend. That's bad luck. Yeah, I cleaned it out. So that's just worth those piece of paper you got on your hands now.

I need to go and have the poop. And sometimes I get worried that they're not going to have, you know, the TP that folks like you and me, you know, folks will enjoy the finer things. Crave. So why don't you, what did you give me that and I'll buy you a beer? Well, it seems to me like it's. not worthless to you, so let's make a deal. What about 10 gold? Oh, gosh. I mean, I have it. I have it. Look at my brooches. This is the, this is, they scream, this is a man who has 10 gold. Uh, but again, I am, I do just need it for TP, and I'm sure I could find something else here to make do.

I was just, you know, trying to kill two birds with one stone. Well, why don't you trade me one brooch for the map? Oh, these are, uh, uh, I've become quite attached to them. They make my outfit. I have more broaches at home. So I can bring you one of those next week. But the map, I really have to go. It's getting kind of dire now.

Then it seems like this is a seller's market. Well, I'll arm wrestle you for it. Okay. Sounds great. If I win, I get all your brooches. Well, okay. Sounds good. But I got to warn you, I'm all state.

Arm wrestling. Let's do it. it. I hope your need to shit doesn't distract you. No, I can... Don't strain the wrong muscles. No, I'm half-elf. I can pretty much make it go back up inside. Gross. Well...

Okay, let's do us a opposed skill check here. Let's do just a straight-up and down strength check. Okay. I'm good at these. Okay. But not when I roll a four plus three, seven. Well, I'm sorry, Griffin. I roll a 12 plus 3.15.

I look beautiful. Look how they glitter and shine. That's pretty bad luck. That's not luck, I suppose. I'm just weaker than you are. So... I feel terrible. You can keep the map so that your shit is better.

Thank you. Yes, loving it. And when you sort of evaporate into thin air, I suppose I'll just pick my brooches up off the floor and go about my bag. I'm going to take these back to hell with me. Oh, no, no, no. That's not canon. And you hear Dakota say, all right, man, that was great. You guys hit all three, and they flip the lever and all of the illusions pop out.

And yes, yes, your brooches do fall to the grounds. You can scurry to pick them up. I'm a kind of benevolent, DM. I lost at arm wrestling to a hologram. This is a great shame to quote a friend. Now, how did you all feel you did there? Because I got some thoughts. I got some feedback, but it's really about how do you think you all did?

I... Vin? Well, yeah, technically you did accomplish all three tests, but... This is important. It wasn't the smoothest path there. You can see that, right? I did not understand fence. Okay.

This is not my fault. You are going to do well from some real world experience, ain't you? I am learning so much. Yeah. Next time you might try. And this is just a suggestion from me, the teacher, a lion. I cannot do this. Well, that's what you're here to do.

You learn how to do it. I will not do this. Okay. I cannot fear bold, cannot lie. Cannot. I see. Keep secret. that this is

I cannot do this All right Well can I tell you what I saw Let me give you all three some feedback here First of all Rhodes You barely participated Now as a hero

I do think it's not a bad thing To stay back And make sure you have You know plausible deniability But next time Maybe try to mix it up a little bit But here's the thing I look at here fellas

There were three tasks Right A map to a cave sneak it into a castle and a fence for stolen goods. Now, you're the rogue of the party, Argo. Why didn't you look for the fence? Well, I figured sneaking into some place would involve a lot of stalking and a lot of stealthy sneaking in. And so I naturally led more towards that.

Dealing with the fence just seems so obvious to me. And besides, he's the accounting expert, and I figure in a, you know, in a situation. This is not accurate. I am the dunce. And Dakota says you, Argo, in Thieves can't, you need to make sure to use all the skills at your disposal, not just your first thought. And then they turn to Fitzroy and say, you seem like the obvious choice to sneak into a castle. You're dressed all fancy. You look like you belong there.

Why didn't you use your influence? to get you in. You look presentable. That should be your lead in. Well, we're here to learn, aren't we? Yeah. Learn to use your strengths. No, I'm saying I can already do that.

I could walk into a castle tomorrow and, you know, do whatever I need to do in there. But, you know, it... I bet these guys' genetic inability to eat shit on something makes him a real delight in class. Listen, here's the thing. end of the day, the biggest takeaway, all three you should have is you need to work together on stuff like this. Like divide and conquer is fine, but if you got a fear bulk, you can't lie, and if you want a rogue who doesn't want to go for the easy option, and you got a noble over here who's looking to expand, you got to support each other, or you're making it so much tougher on

yourselves. Which was the special test for me? It's the Treasure Field K. You're an outdoorsy friend. You could have said, I can guide you. Is anyone looking for a nature guide? Can I... This is... This is good. This would have been very good.

Let me say something here. This is all on me. I take total blame for our performance, mostly because I made the first move, and I obviously chose wrong. so man you're really good at blame taken Ravot was right this is a skill it says it just makes sense

it just makes sense you fervo you did you were awesome and Fitzroy you were This is inaccurate no no I'm telling you I'm the beholder friend and Fitz you are so adequate I just I'm the one that I dropped the ball and I apologize

you fellas Noted. Thank you, yes. So are we done? I suppose we got good grades. Are the grades good? Well, I mean, yeah, you passed. You're ready for some real world experience, I guess. I'm just saying next time, make it easier on yourselves, you know? I love hearing that from a teacher. Fantastic. Hi, everybody. It's me, your best friend and dungeon master, Travis McElroy. Thank you so much for joining us. for another episode of the Adventure Zone graduation. I sure hope you're enjoying it. And you're in for a wail of a second half.

But first, some important announcements. I'm going to be incorporating my own fantasy store into the game. It's not going to be fantasy Costco, but it's going to be something, you know, along those lines. So if you would like to submit an item for consideration, you can send it to Adventure Zonecast at gmail.com. Now here's some things to think about One, remember that this series

Has a bit of a different tone from balance So the item should feel a little bit different And I'm wanting to make sure nothing's too overpowered Listen, we all love the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom But in this kind of, in this universe Where they're all like sidekicks and hinge people I don't know that it would work out so well So if you have an idea that you would like to submit

Remember you can send it to Adventures Zonecast at gmail.com. And make sure you put item submission in the subject line so that I don't miss it. Also, only one new NPC this week, if you can believe it. Dakota is named after Dakota King. So thank you very much. And remember, if you would like your shot at being named as a character on Adventure Zone graduation, make sure you're tweeting about the show using the hashtag the zone cast and sharing a link

to the episodes doesn't hurt. Now, it's time for the ad zone, which I don't know if we've ever called it that before, but now I'm doing it. So here we go. And so now it's the second half of the day. You guys have all had lunch. What'd you have for lunch, huh?

I was in detention, so I had gruel, because that's how they do it here. Did they make you eat gruel, or was that just like an option? They eat it off the floor like a dog. I don't think that's true. They're so mean at this school. I don't know why they made me eat gruel off the floor. This sounds like a letter you're writing home from camp to me, your dad.

Dad, you had to come get me. I am writing this letter home to my extremely wealthy family about the detention they made me do in the floor gruel. I see. What about you, Argo? What do you have for lunch? Argo's trying to expand his palate. And I think he gave bread another chance.

Whoa. What a big turnaround from that morning. He wants to face his fears. So he ordered a nice bread and found out that not all bread is hard tack like they have at the sea. It was a real nice pumpernickel. And he found out he really likes pumpernickel. And so he had a he just had a pumper nickel and a side of lime. What a great lunch

One of these days, Argo's going to learn that you can eat things That is more than just one thing Like a sandwich or a pizza And it's gonna blow his fucking mind Yeah, well that'll be episode five You're gonna put a you're gonna put a lime on a piece of bread And be like, what the fuck is this? Ooh

And Fearbul, what did you do during the lunch break? I ate a peach Ooh Nice So you've reached Dungeon Club You see Jimson at the door and he says, Hey, I got a question. When we get, we've been in school for two weeks, actively learning shit.

When are we going to level up? Well, let's see how you do in this fight. Oh, yeah. Jameson greets you at the door and says, yeah, come in. Roll for initiative. Well, not, no. Well, like, let's say that in game mechanics to real world conversion, it's you like reaching for weapons.

I'm just like, no, whoa. Okay. The fight's not with me. I'm going to pair you with Rolantis, but this class is for you, so I expect you to not just rely on his battle techniques, but also your own. We're going to start out pretty slow here. So let me know when you got everything equipped and we'll get going. Yes, hello. Oh, hello.

Fancy lad, fancy friends. Good to see you again. I don't think that that band name is going to catch on. Oh, I, sorry. I was talking to Argo. Argo's fancy lad. Now hold on a minute. His brooch game is whack.

I heard you lost an arm wrestling match to an illusion. Scuttlebutt really gets around in this school, doesn't it? Well, Buckminster told me right after you told him. So we were sitting at the same table. It wasn't like a weird secret thing. Let's not turn this into a big deal, all right? I expect you all to keep me from getting hit, or at the very least, don't let me do all the work. I've been through this dungeon so many times.

It's the three skeletons. It's going to be nothing. Just don't embarrass yourselves, or me, for that matter. Or do our best, bud. So are we ready for the battle? Do we know what's in? Are we standing behind a closed door, like a wait? Or can we actually see, like, what you are?

You're standing behind, like, there is a dungeoned door between you and the room. Well, didn't he just say that it was three skeletons? Yeah, he's been in there. It's the skeleton crew. It's germane, Victorian rattles. Okay. Oh, yeah. Well, let's go kick their ass.

All right. Well, I'm not going in first. So roll for initiative. No. Okay. That's a five total. Eleven. Three plus one, four.

Okay, as you open the door, the room is dark, and suddenly the torches on the walls flare and the skeletons get a sneak attack on you because they rolled like a 19 for initiative. You dick skeletons. Okay. Hey, that hurts my feelings. Why would you say this? that. Yeah, that's not very nice. That bit's never going to get old. I know. That's just rattles.

Yeah. Oh, rattles. So, they're going to, let's see, they're going to take a swipe at first U fits. Good luck. Okay. They roll, oh, not great. It's an 11. There's no way, right? There's no way. I bet, I bat it all. away with my buckler. They take a swipe at you, but miss. And they all have, you know, kind of rusted swords and axes and that kind of thing. Victoria's going to take a swing at you, Argo. Ooh, that's a 14 plus 5.

It's a 19. Oh, excuse me, it's an 18. Does that still hit? Yes. Okay. He's level one. I hope to guide it is. And they hit you for five points of damage.

Ooh. And the last one takes a swing at Rolandus. Please hit. And they miss by a country mile. Orlando dodges coolly out of the way. Clearly this sneak attack thing is something that the skeletons have done before. So he is not surprised by it. Next up is Argo.

Now as you look around the room, now that you're in, the torches have flared. There's some like crumbled columns that might provide cover. There's some uneven broken ground over in a corner over there. you see there's some falling water in one corner where it seems to fall directly into a grate. But otherwise, you know, the room is pretty much empty, except for another door on the other side of the room where the three skeletons came in. But they've already seen us, right? There's so. Oh, yes.

It's not like I can sneak around very much, right? Not right now while they're looking directly at you, but there's cover in the room. Okay. I think, yeah, how about if he moved stealthily but quickly to kind of hide behind one of those tumbled, crumbled columns? Is there anything you can do to create some kind of distraction? Because otherwise it's going to be hard to do that without them seeing you. Hmm. You know what?

I tell you what, he's going to take the initiative. Because being a rogue, when you lose... sneak attack, it's really, you know, it's kind of tough. So let me remind you, you don't have to be hidden to use sneak attack. Right. You just need to have advantage on them, which means if someone is flanking them. So if you move behind them while Rolanda's is in front of them, you can sneak attack them. He loosens up his sling and has a number of ball bearings that he carries.

and he spins it over his head and lets fly in a way that it bounces off a wall on the far side of the room. And that will distract the skeletons long enough for him to take cover behind one of the columns. Okay, do a Romeo stealth check to make that happen. That is a 13 plus 8. Oh, yeah. So that happens and maybe some of them click off of, you know, torches on the wall. the lights flare a little bit, there's lots of noise, they turn and look and you were able to slip behind the column. Up next is Fitzroy. Okay. I think instinctively like reach for a weapon,

but then I remember I'm supposed to be here for magic lessons. And I say, stop me if you've heard this one, and I put my hand on the skeleton that attacked me and cast shocking grasp. That is a 19 plus 4. 23. Oh, yeah, that hits. Hell yeah. So that's 1D8. Six points of lightning damage.

Okay. Ooh, boy. Get zapped. That's my new thing. And let's say that that one was germane. Damn, Juice. It's really hard to not say a catchphrase every time you cast any spell. Like, I get why you wrote that so hard.

It is. It's tough. It seems like, it almost seems like the verbal component. Yes, exactly. Of spell casting. It's to say dope shit. Yeah, you can imagine why, yeah, that got a little bit taxing a few years in. So up next is the field.

Let me try. Let me try another. I hope you're up. I hope you're, uh, you're, uh, you're, uh, You've brushed up on current events like electrical current zap. Uh, that was okay. Up next is the fear bog. I am going to cast chilely on my quarterstaff.

Okay. And that just lets me use my spell casting for like attack, for, for melee attacks. Uh, so I'm gonna, I'll do shaleli and I'm gonna, what, so there's rattles who are the other two? Victoria and Germain I'm going to attack Germain with Okay he's already been injured So that's a good way to go

Yes I'm going to hit Germain With my incredible Shalaley Saf So that is a 15 Plus my Spellcasting Modifier What is it where is it Your spell casting modifier

Is for you It's your wisdom modifier Plus your Uh plus your proficiency bonus. Proficiency bonus. Right. Yes. 6. 21. Damn. Yeah. You hit him real good. Excellent. Now comes the real magic when I roll a D8,

because that's the damage that Shaleli does. It's a 7. Yeah. He explodes two pieces. And his skull says, Hey, good job. I'm so proud of you. I'll just sit over here until you're done. Thank you. And Rolandis is going to take aim at, let's say, rattles. And he rolls a 17 plus whatever, but he definitely hits. And he is then going to invoke, because he is bored, divine smite. When you hit with a melee weapon, you can expend one spell slot to deal 2D8 extra damage.

All right, Rolandis. Yeah, he's showing off. So he brings his scimitar smashing down upon rattles clavicle, and rattles, explodes into pieces, and the pieces go flying all over the place. So left, you have one skeleton. Is anyone feeling particularly educationally enriched right now? Because it seems like Hulkomania's kind of running wild over these skeletons.

What do you mean, says Jensen? He just exploded him in like one swing, and he turned his staff into magic and exploded Germain. I mean, I loosen that particular pickle jar lid, but it just doesn't seem, it's especially educational, is all I'm saying. Oh, I see. Well, I would hate for you all to feel like you weren't getting, you know, a lesson out of this. What do you think, Rolandis? I am incredibly bored. Oh, I see.

Well, then let's move to phase two. And he pulls a lever on the wall and the second door opens again. And entering the room is a large, angry brown bear. See, now, yeah, a brown bear. Yes. This is Susan, the brown bear. She is also very magical. She feels no pain and will heal up immediately.

So do not worry about her. harming her. No animals are to be harmed in the workings of this school. In fact, after the battle is done, she won't remember any of this. So treat this as if it were just a battle out in the woods. Kind of sad existence, Susan Leeds, if you ask me. Well, she's well taken care of and she's fed three meals a day and she's immortal. So I don't see where the issue lies. Does a bear do battle in the woods? Very good. Yes, and usually dies. But not he. Do we still need to beat up the one other skeleton, or can we just say that we've advanced beyond that? No, you still need to fight Victoria and Susan.

Okay. No offense, Victoria. No, none taken. I understand. You don't want to fight me, and that's fine, or you didn't want to fight me? You know, I can be tough, too. Oh, and she kind of sticks her dukes up. Uh, so up next is the bear.

And the bear is going to take a big old swipe very angrily at you. You, Fitzroy. That is a 10 plus 6, 16. That ties my armor class. Then it hits. Yep. And Susan does eight points of damage. Whoa.

And she is also, sorry, that was with a bite. She's also going to look like a swipe with her claws at Rolanda. It's a flexible bear. Yep. And she hits the shit out of Rolandis. and does 11 points of damage. And up next is Victoria, who is going to take aim at the Fearbolg

and roll a 16 plus 4, a 20. Wow, absolutely. Okay, great. A palpable head, I do confess it. And she does five points of damage to you, Fearbol. All right. And up next, it is Argo's turn. He's going to sneak attack

around from the column with his rapier at the bear. Okay, great. So, uh, you are going to roll with your rapier. Okay, so that's 18 plus six. Yeah. For the sneak attack. You hit that bear real good. So now you're going to roll 1D8, uh, and then 1D6 and add 4.

1D8. Ha! It's an 8. Nice. And D6 is a 4. So that's 12. Plus four, 16. Excellent.

A great hit, and you have drawn the attention of the bear. So up next. That was my intent. Up next is Fitzroy. I just got bit by a huge bear. And so, like, that's really got to take it out of you, I feel like. What? Blood?

Yeah, it's taken a lot of blood out of me. If I were playing any other class, I feel like I, would be down on the ground right now. And so I feel like it's only appropriate to completely unintentionally and completely reflexively go into a rage. Oh, boy. So now you are a special kind of barbarian. So what happens when Fitzroy Maplecourt goes into a rage?

Well, I think it's like rage in name alone where it's not like we do. And we had talked. about this sort of when we were coming up with characters and stuff. He's not like, he doesn't turn big, bulking, mussely credos like rage. For him, it's like, again, like uncontrolled magic. So I think of it like in, like in Kiki's delivery service whenever she flies on her broom, just like all of the grass on the ground moves away from her as if like this, well, I was going to say a wind is coming out of Fitzroy, but then somebody's going to make a

fart joke. And this is an emotional moment for me. But it's like that. Like, I think things just move away from him. And a lot of the time, I think, really bad stuff happens when he goes into a rage, but this is a particularly minor one. And he looks kind of panicked when he realizes what's happening. He's like, is everyone cool?

Is everyone cool? Yes. Okay, sometimes things explode when I do this. And it's an accident, and I've done that enough already since I've been here, and I don't want to get, I don't want to be expelled again. So now, Grovin also mechanically what happens in game mechanics when Fitzworthy rages? He gains advantage on strength checks and saving throws. He gets plus two melee damage with strength weapons, resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage.

But I cannot cast or concentrate on spells while I'm raging. And it will end if I'm knocked unconscious or if my turn ends and I haven't attacked a hostile creature or if I haven't taken damage since my last turn. Okay, great. So I realize what's happening and I try to gain faculty of my senses and am grateful that I haven't exploded or turned anybody into a catfish or anything like that. And in an attempt to still do something magical, I pick up snippers and just try to throw snippers at the bear. I don't think I'm thinking straight necessarily. No, I would have to say you're not. I don't even know what that role would be.

It's a cool, magical, strong attack. I throw my magic crab at the bear. I don't see what's so hard to understand about that, Travis. Okay. Yeah, it sounds very cool and magical to me, for the record. Make the attack roll, I guess. I throw my immortal crab at the immortal bear. I don't see what's wrong with that.

You wanted me to use the crab. Not like this. They wanted me to use the crab, you know? They wanted me to get good at magic. I guarantee you when Festo was like, hey, here's a sack of flour to take care of. It wasn't like throw that sack of flour out of bear. Well, they should have thought about that before they gave it to a barbarian.

So for hand axe, which is another thing I have, which I'm not throwing for some reason. Instead, I'm throwing Snippers, my magic crab. It's a plus five attack. So that is a 23 total. Well, hell yeah, that hits. And Snippers goes flying across the room. Now tell me, Griffin. I choose you.

Tell me, what is the desired effect here? Hitting the bear enough to hurt it or kill it, potentially. That would be sick. If I could get a kill out of this and start that kill street going, that would be rad. But mostly it's a damaging attack. Again, I wasn't thinking straight. Okay, I'm going to say since Snippers is all claws and pins yours. And Kiten.

And Kiten. That's going to be a D6 plus six. Oh, plus six? Well, because of your enraged form, I assume you're chucking the hell out of them. And because your attack was so good, you're getting it in the face. Okay. Well, all right. I'm going to abuse this mechanic, Travis.

Thank you. Just so you know. Oh, no. And Griffin, don't feel bad. You don't have nearly as much battle experience as Justin and I do. That's true. I rolled a three plus six, I guess, a big nineer. Okay.

That hurts the bear very much. I'm going to say that my crab snippers probably doesn't qualify as a, quote, strength weapon. So I won't take that bonus damage. Yeah, that's fair. Now, the bear is very bloodied at this point. And so bear is not looking great, all things considered. And up next is the fearbulk.

Ooh, I hate this. Don't want to attack a bear. There's a skeleton, too. there's still a skeleton Yeah I'm gonna attack the skeleton with my shaleli I'm not I'm yeah he's not a creative fighter at this point He's just gonna attack the skeleton It worked last time

So he's just gonna go with that Attack uh Susan no not Susan Susan's the bear Valerie Victoria Victoria Thank you So that one probably is not gonna land It is a seven Plus six so 13

That ties the hit So yes. Hey, six points of damage. Okay. Nice. So up now is Rolandis. Oh, I should say, I don't know if a skeleton can be bloodied. Like maybe the marrow is leaking out.

Yeah. Sure. Meroed. But Rolanda's is going to actually step back from the bear and touch, let's say, your shoulder. How low are you on health? How many are you down Fitzroy? I'm down eight. And what about you, Argo?

Down five. Okay, he is going to touch both of your shoulders and lay hands and heal you back up to your full amounts. Fuck yeah. Then he is going to dash away and run away from the big bear. Now he would. take an attack of opportunity from the big bear.

And I'm only saying that because I don't care for Ralandus very much. Yeah, so the bear does miss. Roll the three. So he is able to dash away and get behind that crumbled column. Tag on it. Now back up is the bear. I mean, he did heal you before he ran away. That was cool.

The bear is going to now, let's see, go for a chomp with the bite on the Beerbolg? Oh, no, there's no way. That's a two plus six, an eight. No. Avoided masterfully. Yes, and like the wins, like wind through leaves, you avoid. And she's going to take a swipe with her claws at you, Fitzroy, five plus six and

11 against Casey. Absolutely not. So she misses with that. And then Susan is going to keep the chain go. showing and aim at you, Argo. That is a seven. Absolutely not. Oh, okay, wait, hold on.

Seven plus four, 11 versus AC. So my armor class is 15. Okay. Then you avoided all three of those attacks. Good job, everyone. And we're back at the top of the order, or at least the hero, Hinchperson, sidekick order for, with Argo.

While the bear is distracted, Argo is going to jump up on its back and try to take his sling and jam it deep in its jaws. Whoa. Like a bridle. Okay. And try to try to at least get the bear to rear up, which I would think would expose its soft underbelly for attack from his friends.

Love that. Noted weak point of bears. Thank you, bearologist, Clem McElwarkroll. Hey, there's a big eye down there. What the fuck? I'm Marlon Perkins. I told you that zoology minor would pay off, Mac. I learned it from Jack.

Jack Hanna taught me that. Hey, thank you for letting me use this skill check for what I have to imagine is the most literal use of it. I'm going to need an animal handling check here. Okay. And that is a 19 minus 1.18. Yes. Okay. You're able to.

You know, okay, here's what I'll say. We'll use that role for an acrobatics check to get. to get onto the bear's back because that and I don't think he's writing the thing he's just trying to write he said he leaps on the bear's back oh okay

and now make me another animal handling check to see if you're able to control it so animal handling that is a 17 there you go get some rolls now it works minus one yeah so you're able to make the bear rare up distracting it and I guess

opening its soft underbelly and up next Fitzroy. Oh, I also should have said, Snippers did take damage and poofed into nothingness. That's fine. I can resummon Snippers is going to be a right. Snippers is a spectral crab that I can summon at will and cannot be harmed or killed. So don't try and plan any big emotional beats around me losing my fucking crab because it can't happen. He's got plot armor. So I'm going to fully pick up on what Argo's putting down. I don't think. I don't think. I think I would carry a sword with me necessarily because I am kind of on this, like, I'm a

magic boy thing now, but I'm going to pick up one of the swords that the skeletons had, right? You said they had rusted stuff. Yep. And I'm going to try and ram it right into this bear's exposed weak point. Okay. Give me an attack roll with advantage. That is a 11 plus 5. Yep, that hits.

16, cool. Now this one... Well, you got advantage, so if you want to roll again to see if you create... No, I don't get... Oh, that's right, that's right. Yeah.

No, I got a 12 plus 5, 17. So, that is 1D8. That is a 5 plus 3 plus 2 because I'm raging. I'm raging. So that's a 10 total. So yes, you finish the bear off. and she collapses to the ground.

You slide off, Argo. And then she immediately rises back up, and now she's more like Winnie the Pooh. Seems pretty happy and heads back into the room, and you see in there, you know, there's a big pool to swim in, a big jar of honey. We get it, Travis. It's a smacker a lot of it.

It's a good setup for the bear. It's a good setup. She has plenty of room to move around. But still, you're face-to-face with Victoria, who is not looking great, but it's still kicking. And up next is the fearborg. I have a special attack for this. I'm going to hit the skeleton with my stick.

Oh. Yeah. We're level one, folks. We got a very shallow quiver. Level one, not a lot of options here. 16 is that one plus 622. Oh, that hits real good. Oh, 1D8 plus 4.

Okay, great. Well, that other one's extra dead then. The one that I killed before is super dead. is like dust. The fear bowl crashes that staff down on Victoria, Victoria, shatters into, I was about to say a million bones. We know that's not how many bones are a human body. We all know what that number of bones is,

and there's no reason for me to say it now. It's 100. It's a round 100. And she flies into exactly that many bones. And 62. Well, some people. It's 206, guys. Well, agree to disagree.

And you've defeated this two. temporary dungeon and you feel yourselves grow warm with the pride of your accomplishment you know you've learned some things not just this day but in the past fortnight at the school and what that means is you're now level three and we'll worry about leveling your characters up later hell yes yeah i i i just want to say fitzroy when he comes down from his rage this is looks at himself covered in a mortal bear juices holding a sword just so disappointed in himself. You all, all three of you, well, all four of you, I should say, Rolandus, you did a good job not taking over the fight and letting them carry their own weight.

But the nice job, yeah. The three of you did great. I'm very proud your training has come along well. I look forward to you all receiving your real world's assignment and venturing out into the world to make us proud next week. and you hear a slow clap begin and Hieronymus Wiganstaff walks into the dungeon and says, I am also proud, I must say,

the three of you are quite talented at destruction. Yes. Does anyone have like handy wipes or a wet nap? Oh, don't worry, Fitzroy. We've all been there when in the midst of battle, getting dirty, getting down in the grunge? No, no, no, let me help. I cast shape water,

and the water from the nearby waterfall blasts into Fitzroy, cleansing him of the goo. Thank you. Thank you. It's nice to see students working together. Yes, it is nice, isn't it? And I hear all three of you have been working so hard.

Argo, I hear you've been excelling. in the world of sneakery and blame-taking. I hear Fitzroy, your magic is coming along nicely. Clearly. And you, Virbog, I hear that you just won't give up on accounting. Very nice. I have asked to transfer. You'll get it.

Don't be afraid. Do you have anything you need from me? I'd just like to do rounds and make sure I check in with students from time to time. Oh, gosh, you're going to hate this. Those hours, though. What's up with those? Those credits, though. What's up with those?

I promise you, Fitzroy, I will take that into account as you move forward through your time here. Great, great. I heard it before, but still nice to get a quick sort of update. Does anyone have a dry nap now? I hate to be a bother, a dry towel, some sort of dry. Can you cast a spell that will make dry things happen? Hmm. Nope. Unfortunately. I need to be moving along many other classes to oversee and students to check in with, but I just wanted to say, for all three of you, my door is always open.

So if you ever need help or if you ever feel like there's something here that we can improve on, or, you know, if you ever have any issues you need addressed, you can come talk to me anytime. time. Is it ever open when you're not in the office? That's a strange thing to ask. School paper. I'm working on a story for the school paper. I don't see why that would still... I don't see why that would make him want to let you into his office.

I'm just making a conversation. Okay. And he eyeballs you strangely for just a second before returning to his smile and saying, I'll be moving along. you three stay out of trouble. It is late, far later than it should be. The sky is bright with the full moon, but there's plenty of darkness if you know where to look.

We see a figure move through said darkness. Every so often, a glint of blue scales in the moonlight. He moves quietly, so quietly, to the front door of the school. He moves up the stairs, making not a lot of the moonlight. making not a sound. He reaches a door. Through the door, he finds a balcony.

Sitting on the edge of the balcony is jackal. Argo not keen. Yes, what? Were you able to obtain it? I obtained it. It was right where you said it was going to be. And Argo reaches out his hand and hands a leather-wrapped package small about the size of his palm to a jackal. Ah, excellent.

And did anybody see you? No, it was in and out, no must, no fuss, no trace. just like a good little thief would do. Excellent. And as the moonlight glints off dark, oily feathers, the night gets a little bit colder. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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