The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 31: High on the HOG

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

It's time for the boys to get down to business of planning a heist. Job interviews, eating scones, and getting haircuts. Pretty standard stuff, really.  Hey, did you know there was a Firbolg here? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, it's me Gary. Previously on the Adventure Zone graduation, after finding out that the avatars of order and chaos have been working together to bathe all of Nua in blood and terror, the thundermen sprang into action. They've teamed up with their then-enemy, now frenemy, the demon prince gray, to take down the heroic oversight guild from the inside. Their hope is that this will create enough lower-case sea chaos

to avoid the need for war. Lucky for them, they've recruited a couple of competent adults in the form of Althea Song and the demon prince's mole, Taryn. Now it's time to get down to some serious scheming. Friends, we need to begin today's episode with a somber message from Clint McElroy. Just warning you about some of the content you may hear today. Clint, please go ahead.

And again, congratulations on your bravery. If at some point, I'm all of a sudden, kind of quiet. It's because I have debilitating kidney stones. Yeah. Which I only passed along. That's not true. I only passed along to two of my sons and not the third one, not the first one.

And so if I have to vanish, it means I'm going to painfully urinate. And just to sort of, I know you're probably wondering, this is a D&D actual play podcast. Yeah, he did jam a couple D20. He's up there. God, it feels like it. You know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather have a D20 than a D4. What's the worst?

What's the worst? What's the worst? What's the worst night to get your, D4, the little pyramid one? D4, a pyramid. All the pyramid was. Absolutely paired. That thinks like a cowtrop up in there.

Man, thanks for putting that in my mind. If during the final battle, though, dad was like, okay, this is it. And he stands up and peas on his desk, and the dice comes out, and it's a natural 20. Yeah. I think we would win an Oscar for that.

That's good podcasting. Yeah. Let's first and foremost, before we begin anything else, you boys have all leveled up. A lot of us happened in the last couple episodes, and you've had some battle experience, some life experience, and some love experience.

So let's level up. What was our love experience? You learned to love yourself. It was in the spin-off. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I've been doing a web comic on the side to kind of fill in the world.

Yeah, you got to follow the ARG to get all of it. Yeah. Let's start with Griffin there, with Griffin and Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, night and absentia of the Rome of Goodcastle. Yeah, I just did, I got more barbarian juice because I, it seemed right. My magic isn't behaving correctly. And so I just got, I just got some more barbarian juice. It's really nothing very exciting.

I can attack twice now. You say that, man, I did some pretty creative stuff with attacking multiple times. Griffin. Yep. That's true. That's true. That's when you're in the streets, Travis. You don't remember what it's like in the streets anymore.

That's true. Now I'm in the sheets. No, you're a fucking desk jockey. That's what I said. Character sheets. Character sheets. Oh, got it. That's fine.

What about you, Fearbulk? Master Fearbug. Just some good news spells. I have not like a big deal. I have Nature Ward, which kind of protects me from, I think, poison and disease. So don't, in case you had a big poison-themed adventure planned. Don't even trip with that. And I picked up some new spells that I think will make the adventure you've planned fun and organic.

Okay. That's a terrifying thing to hear. Okay, what about you, Argonaut Keene? Argo got to add two ability points. He could either add them to one ability or, one to two different abilities. So he added to his

constitution because he's tired of getting his ass kicked in regular basis. And just to see how high he can get, he added another point to dexterity. You, my God. Wait, did it go above 20? No, no. And the other thing,

the other thing I got is this, you talk about exciting, reliable talent. Yeah, I have a reliable talent. Whenever you make an ability check. I feel like you're being sarcastic right here, but I guarantee you. The majority of our listeners would kill for any talent that was reliable. Why?

Yeah, but why not call it awesome, cool talent? But because that's, I have awesome, cool talents, and sometimes they don't work. They're just not reliable, yeah. I want that every time I open my mouth, I'm hitting that note, you know? Well, whenever I make an ability check that lets me add our. my proficiency bonus, I can treat a D20 roll of nine or lower as a 10.

So I never drop below 10. Wow. That's reliable. That's fucking wild. That's nice. So why not, so why not the fucking wild talent? Yeah. Because that sounds, that sounds unreliable. Wild boy rolling. If somebody said, hey, do you want to have,

who do you want to have drive you to the airport? Fucking wild John? Yeah. You'd be like, no. Give me reliable bill. Also, if you were ever like, I rolled an eight on my perception check. And then you're like, but it gets bumped up to a 10. None of us would be like, fucking wild, man.

That's reliable as hell. Yeah. If you think any time you've ever rolled a 10, no one has ever been like, fucking wild, dude. How did you do it? That's the median, baby. The chat went crazy. After a fairly exhausting 24-hour period,

you returned back to Althea's humble, but a nice apartment. It's a one bedroom, but with a spacious living room, which is where the three of you are sleeping this evening. She made you, you know, a filling but not fancy dinner, mostly out of boxes and containers. Nothing homemade. Like microwave? Like fantasy hardware? Or cardboard? No, she didn't make it out of boxes.

The ingredients were in boxes. I'm saying this wasn't fresh stuff. She didn't, and she didn't order it. You know what I mean? She made you basically like fancy macaroni and cheese, you know? Okay, I doubt. And she had maybe one drink too many. It's been a pretty stressful day for her too.

And she is headed to bed pretty early. Leaving the three of you to camp out here in her living room with a brief moment before, you know, having to get a good night's rest and get down to business tomorrow. I'm just, as like stealthfully as possible, just trying to find more pillows. Because I don't know how many she gave the three of us sharing her living room floor,

but I can guarantee you it was not enough. I'm project, me Griffin, am projecting onto Fitzroy, but there's no way I have enough pillows. There's definitely not enough pillows. There's never enough pillows. Okay. Well, I'm going to grab what I can,

maybe some coats from the coat closet that I can bundle up inside a garbage bag. you have to get resourceful when you have special needs for your for your sleep habits so you have imbued this character from your life this characteristic from your life into your character does that help them be relatable to you yeah it's the only thing to make them a pillow pervert just like they're mad i'm not i'm not i'm not strong and do magic but i do need pillows so that is the one thing i will not miss about you not visiting this year i won't i won't have to open up every closet and be like, there's got to be more pillows for Griffin in here somewhere.

Jesus, he's got four between the legs, two under the head. And he can feel that one dried pee underneath the mattress. Okay. So just so I'm clear, because we did fast forward a bit. Is this like night before the big heist territory? Tomorrow you guys are doing some big planning. So there's some information that you guys know that I've sent you. One of the big pieces of information is Althea has told you that in two days, there's some, like, big announcement event thing at Hogg HQ that everyone is encouraged to attend.

So you're thinking during that is going to be your best chance. And so tomorrow you're doing all the recon you can. Okay. Gary. Hello. There's no, unless you want to use pocket, Gary, there's no Gary in Althea's department. Oh. Are we out of signal range for Pocket Gary?

No, it's magic, Griffin. Okay, fine. I don't feel the need to quantify. Like, I guess there's like Gary cell towers around. Right, sure. Gary 5G giving people Gary COVID. Yeah, right, right. Who has the Pocket Gary?

It's a communal. Let's say I have it. Okay, Pocket Gary? Yeah, how can I help you? What do you need? Um, did I have any mail? Have I had any messages? Uh, yeah.

There's a, there's a letter here for you. Uh, let me pass it through the system. Whoa, papers coming out of my pants. It is a tiny little letter. Basically, think of it like he's a printer, right? He's just printed you off a magical letter. Like a Game Boy Camera printer. Exactly like a Game Boy Camera printer, Griffin.

Yes, thank you. So what's it say? Uh, the letter, uh, is, is addressed to you, Organankeen, uh, in, uh, in, uh, Barb's sharp but very legible hand. And it says, dear Argonaut. Well, I was pretty surprised to get your letter and frankly, flattered. So I guess my answer first regarding asking me on a date. Not my usual type, a little bit younger than I usually go, but sure.

You seem like you'd be fun. Why the hell not? Let's do it. You can take me to dinner, your treat. As far as the roast thing goes, I've never catered before. I don't really know. It's not really my thing. I'm more of a bartender than I am a cook,

but we could probably figure something out if I'm your best bet. So I need a little direction on that. As far as the making jokes at Althea's expense thing, I mean, even if it's good-natured, I got to strongly, strongly advise against it. she's been through quite a bit. I don't know that I'm comfortable telling you her story, but you should ask her. It's pretty painful,

and her past after school, it got real rough for her. But if you want to throw a party in her honor otherwise, I am totally there. Signed, Bloodhawk Barb. So, it seems fruitful. Our, Go's continual use of mail to try to get information.

Listen, one of these days you're going to hit the gold mine. Hey, just real quick, you didn't ask my mom out on a date, did you? Well, to be honest with that, don't even remember asking Barb out on a date, so I can't unequivably say no. Hey, you definitely did. Yeah, I remember there being some vibes. You wicked did. Oh, well, son.

Yeah. Well, it sounds weird calling you, son. Don't worry. I won't follow through with it. Wait, are you still talking about a date with Fitzroy's mom? Yeah, this is getting uncomfortable. Don't, listen. Dinner, dancing, and that'll be it.

Blood or Barb isn't Fitzroy's mom. Well, I know. He's going to go on a date with both women at the same time. Do you never watch Flintstones-esque? Fantasy 3's company? Yeah. Okay, that was great. So tomorrow we're going to like, you know, get maps and do all the fun stuff, steal keys, whatever.

But I think there's a question that we might want to ask ourselves before we even begin our little flirtation with felonies. And that is, if we do manage to get ourselves all the way into the archives, how does one responsibly sort of, of obliterate like half a building. What's the ethical way of doing of doing that and the mechanical way of doing that? I can make a fire, but something tells me they'll have, you know, sprinklers.

You mean how to do a bomb? That's, that's, the B word actually will get us demonetized. So let's avoid that one, but yes, something along the lines of a something along those lines.

But a bomb that also doesn't like get too rowdy. Do you know what I mean? Like I don't know anything about this. A nice safe bomb. A control bomb like they do on fantasy mythbusters. No. Okay. This is far from my area of expertise.

But if it helps, I do not know how to do a dangerous bomb either. Okay. This does not help. I realize now it is a right shame. How much paper are we talking? Are we talking paper even? Do we even know what this is a good point? What if it's like rocks?

Oh, or sometimes it's a hologram. Yeah. I mean, I feel pretty confidently I could zap me up a hologram. That one's, that is honestly best case scenario for me. table talking is our plan is our hope to destroy enough records that the sustainability of the organization is

collapses in on itself not knowing in a bureaucratic standpoint not from a structural standpoint right so I well let me tell you about how the paperwork system works right because this is another piece of information that wait hold on Trave can you give that clean because I feel like for our P-Body Award this is probably going to be the clip. Yeah. This is how the paperwork system works in this world. So contracts are written up

by admin, which is located on the second floor of the HOJ, and then they go to the shipping and receiving department by a mailperson. There, they go out to the appropriate party to be signed, and after that, they come back through shipping, receiving to caseworkers, which are located on the third floor, who are assigned to the contract. From there, they're taken by a different set of internal mail workers to processing, which is located below grounds in records one. In processing, there is one last check of all details and contracts are sorted to their appropriate departments. They are then set to the appropriate departments of payroll, which is in records two.

There, the pertinent details relating to pay, frequency, currency, etc., are recorded. Finally, the full contract is then stored in archives on record three for reference if needed. I tell you all of this to make it clear that this is a lengthy process. Right. And this normally doesn't create much of a problem because it's kind of, you know, there's a flow to it where these contracts are kind of trickling out and in as they go. If all of this had to be reset at once, you are looking at probably six to ten weeks of this trying to get this back in the system. And some of these contracts were established decades ago.

So if they had to be renegotiated now, it's a whole other thing as heroes have gotten more famous, as there's been more money in the trade, as, you know, kingdoms have gotten poorer. All of that, it would be a huge mess. And so that is why they keep them so secure because it is not just like, okay, well, how much do we owe you? Right. It would become a huge new negotiation. Cool. It sounds almost like they devise that process to stop people from getting into the archives and destroying it. Yeah, it almost sounds like that, doesn't it?

It seems inconvenient for us specifically. So, yes, the idea is that we're going to, do you guys think, and I'm sure this is going to be bureaucratically devastating. But do you think when we go back to the giant embodiment of chaos in order, we can be like, we burned up some paper. Now can you not do a war? Like, do you think that that's going to be enough for them? I think it's a good first step. Sure, yeah. I mean, we wanted to, I mean, we said that taken down hog was only one part of the process, didn't we?

Yeah, I was just kind of hoping it would be satisfactory. I don't think it will. I think we're going to need to screw up some other stuff, too. Cool, cool, cool, great, great, great. So, Virvog, let me get the straight. Fitz, you don't have magic anymore, right? I kind of do. Sometimes.

Kind of. Well, okay. We can deal with this, I guess, in the planning session when we, you know, get together and come up with our ingenious plot. I mean, there's like at any point, like a 50, 50 chance that I could make like a fireball, which is better than most people. It's a higher chance than most people could do to conjure a fireball. So, you know, you got to look at the silver lining. I think I am scared. This is, even if this works, if we succeed,

the future cannot be known. I had grown used to knowing what tomorrow is class and trying not to get killed by an evil guy did more class

and the sleeping and berries I like that routine I'm realizing now we will not go back to this even if we are not arrested or killed

well I'm not going to lie to you, bud. I think that you're right. This is going to change everything. But I was almost going to say it doesn't mean things will get worse. They're going to get better because probably they're going to get worse. No, it's our whole job to make things kind of worse.

This is the not knowing, huh? Yeah. You can't say if we know it's not chaos. Well, there are some things we know. I mean, we'll have each other. The three of us. Unless we are similarly killed or arrested. Well, yeah, but then if we're killed, we don't worry about it anymore.

Some are killed, some or not, you don't know. Very strong and tough. That would be, yeah, they go all over. Well, let's just make a death pack if one of us goes, all three go. Death pack, this is what I was getting to. I did not want to be the first to say. Excellent. Okay, so death pack.

I will sleep soundly tonight. Glad I made you feel better. So you all head off to Dreamland. You drift off immediately. There's no anxiety. Dreams of death paths. Yes. The land of Nod.

Okay. You all have received some maps of what the headquarters looks like. And you can, even though Althea just kind of scratch them out, you wonder why she never pursued a career as a professional artist. Because they're like, these are beautiful, you know? Right, yeah. And we'll post Althea's beautiful work on Twitter so everyone can see it. Here's what I will do for you, because I am a kind and benevolent.

So you received a message from Gray, letting you know that he had opened up, like, basically an endless line of credit at Barnes and Nobles for you, right? So you can order some items that would help you. for the heist. And if you want to, I sent you a list of some items to pick. You can pick them now and plan the heist around the items you have. Or you can do the recon and then pick two items each to use as you see fit after that.

I kind of feel like if we have to pick before we plan, it'll make us have to commit a bit more. If we can switch these out as needed, I feel like we could overplan. I kind of like the idea that we have to commit before we go into planning. Okay, yeah, let's do it. I'm kind of envisioning my role

in this organization as the face because of my incredible natural charisma. So there's Pietro Shanty's Miracle Mustache Wax, which gives me a plus four to my charisma. If used to style a mustache, I guess can I grow a mustache overnight? It's been a couple days since you shaved. You have some mustache.

Damn, it almost seems like they made this for Argo, and I'm kind of stepping on it. But, um, he produces natural mustache wax. Okay. Well, I'm going to go full Wilford Brimley, big boy mustache. Okay.

That's by, uh, summer hogland Abernathy. Thank you. Designed that item. I literally, I like the literally just a janitor's uniform. I bet you do, Clint McRoy. I knew you would.

son of a B. That's why I put it on. On the other hand, on the other hand, that is, by the way, literally just a janitor's uniform from Sarah from Vancouver. Thank you, Sarah. Yeah. Everybody knows if you're wearing a janitor's uniform, you may go anywhere in question and challenge adds a plus two to stealth rolls and advantage on deception checks. I'm wondering if that makes more sense than the, what is the dress for the job you want? No, you know what? I'll leave that for somebody else because even though I figure that Argo is going to be the main subterfuge unlocking doors and stuff guy, it wouldn't hurt to have somebody else is going to have to infiltrate too, right? Absolutely. All right, I'll take just a janitor's uniform. Literally just a janitor's uniform. Got it. Okay.

Juice. Yeah, I want to clarify something. I have actually before I do this. I feel like because of my race and my culture, that I am going to be like, it would be like Insta fail where I spotted at Hogg. Is that, do you think, does that jive with your understanding? You mean like, if somebody saw a fear bulb there,

they'd be like, why is a fear bulb there? Right, exactly, yes. Uh, yeah. No fear bulgs live like I do. There aren't, there is not a, of thing. Yeah, I would say you definitely stick out like a sore thumb. I don't think that that would instantly fail you because I think that there are plenty of explanations that Althea and yourself, like Althea could give for you as to why you are there with her. People know that she has been

investigating the case and, you know, she's done reports and stuff. So I don't know that it's instant fail, but yeah, I mean, you, you would be very recognizable. I am going to use the man of mini masks. I'm going to get that. Okay, the man of many masks. This nondescript-looking sackcloth can be drawn over the head to cast the disguise sale spell with no concentration needed for as long as the mask is worn. However, the face it can copy can only be people it has touched within the last 24 hours. This grants advantage on any disguise-related deception checks. Okay. Thank you, Ronald. Thank you, Ronald. I'd like the birthday boomers.

The birthday boomers. It's a small president. in a box wrapped in a colorful paper and bow with no card on one corner and when you open it, it sprays out a cloud of chaff confetti capable of scrambling electronics temporarily and interfering with any radio, video, or telephonic communication. I don't know how helpful that'll be. We may get in there and it'll be a purely analog affair. And that is by Eric the Reddish. Thank you, Eric. It's giving me snake vibes and I want it. Perfect. I love it. Clint? Oh, no. I think the hummingbird. The humming bard. You will see. Oh, the humming bard.

A small jeweled hummingbird. When activated, it will fly 40 feet speed in any direction. It cannot pick things up on its own and cannot support more than a pound of additional weight. While flying, it plays a simple melody that sounds exactly like someone humming to themselves. It can follow complex commands such as hover here until someone spots you and then flee or flit from shadow to shadow in the halls. After 30 minutes of flight, it cannot be used for a day. And that is by Ty. Thank you, Ty.

Yeah, I'll take it. Excellent. Because I don't have a magical crab. Very few people do. And Justin, one more. Here's what we have left, just so we can tell people. Dress for the job you want by Carrie. A small vial of unsavory salve from Battlesturge.

Let's see. The earworm from Sky. Re-anchoring Stone from Jonathan and the klepticals from Lauren Michaels. I, whoa, I'm going to go with the re-anchoring stone. Reanchering stone, a one-time used stone that allows the user to change which way gravity pulls them. The user chooses a different direction to anchor them, say, the right wall, and they can walk on that surface as if it was the ground. The user can change the anchoring surface one additional time while the stone is active with a D20 roll above 10. However, if below 10, gravity resumes as normal.

The stone, a small pebble, is activated by sliding it into your boot, we'll stick to the bottom of foot for non-booted feet. Oh, we're going to get up to show them shenanigans with that way. Some shenanigans. Some can't heat shenanigans. Right. May I ask a question? These items, are we going to do what we usually do?

And just get them and then never use them? I can't tell you that, Papa. Only you can tell yourself that. You walk into the atrium of the Herog Oversight Guild. You've been here before yesterday. You came through. You know the process now. looking around the first floor, let me give you a little bit more detail as to what you see.

Around the first floor, it is an open-air atrium with a small cafe cart where employees and guests can buy food and coffee. In the entryway, there's a large reception desk where everyone has to sign in. You also see around the floor magical pools of water that stay in place with no containment and have trees growing in them. On the east side of the atrium, the first floor is also where shipping. and receiving is located. Within that area is also the mailroom. The ramp leading to the lower floors is in the atrium directly outside of shipping and receiving. Standing on the first floor, you can look straight up and see open air to the second floor and third floor.

They are walkways and balconies around the outside of the open air pavilion. On the second floor is where all of the admin offices are. They basically take care of the contracts. They take care of paperwork. They take care of the running. of the heroic oversight guild. On the third floor is where investigators like Althea Song are. They are the ones that are sent out to settle claims and look into any disputes.

You have enforcement, which are the ones who make sure that contracts are followed, that people get paid, that the shows go on. So if it's found by the investigators that a complaint is valid, enforcement is called in, and you have to find caseworkers. Caseworkers are the ones that are assigned to setting up contracts between here, villains, hinge people, sidekicks, and the kingdoms that they work for. Okay. So are we case in the joint?

That is explicitly what we are doing. All right. And there's a couple things you don't know, just very clearly that you don't know. One, you need to talk with Taryn. You haven't seen Taryn since coming through the drip and sip the day before. What was her role at the... She works in the archive. Okay, that's all we know about...

Does she works in the archive? We don't know what she does. Okay. You also, so with your Snippers plant, that's how you learned about the flow of contracts, seeing how it comes through the mail room and up and down. And you know that there are two sets of mail employees. And just to be clear, M-A-I-L, damn, homophones. So there are internal mail who deliver from office to office from floor to floor. and those external mail who collect packages to take out through shipping and receiving.

Can I just say I appreciate the amount of excruciating detail you've put into this, assuming that we will leverage it somehow for like a clever 14-step plan, when we will almost certainly end up just driving a bulldozer through here. Like I really appreciate like the... Yeah, so meaningful. There's a lot of, you know, castle intrigue happening here, and I love it, I love it. But we are just pretty much going to smash all in here with a wrecking ball or a dynamo. or some shit.

Absolutely. There is one more kind of big piece or two big pieces of information, really. You noted the other day that employees do have badges that denote security clearance. The ranks are determined, that the security clearance is determined by a combination of the metal the badges made out of and the jewel that is fixed inside of it. So gold denotes a senior member of the Heroic Oversight Guild. Silver is a member of the Hero of Oversight Guild and copper is a junior member. If they have an emerald in the badge, they have full access.

If they have a sapphire, they have full access to the main floors with escorted access to records. Ruby, full access to Maine and no access to records. And if it's a diamond, they have first floor access and escorted access to the upper floors, no access to records. What does Althea have? Althea is gold and sapphire, meaning she is. a senior member and she has full access to the main levels and can gain access to records if escorted. Records is where we are where we need to go.

Correct. Records is what we are destroying. Records is the is the, the records is comprised of three floors processing, and then the next lower floor is payroll and the lowest floor is archives. Okay, so that's that's the subterranean. Correct. Okay. Well, that's going to put a real ding in my dinosaur smash through with a wrecking ball plan.

Yeah. Now, the one more piece of-the-big mole. The one more piece of information that you do need to know, there is an emergency exit system from the records levels, but it only moves upwards to keep people from being trapped on lower levels in case of emergency. So it can't be used to access down, but it could potentially be used as an escape route. Okay. Um, should we find, um, Taryn first? Just to sort of, before we do it, that feels not risky to me. So before we get, you know, blow up our spot, maybe we should do the thing that seems fairly, um, you know, not, not potentially a huge fuck up in the making.

Well, lucky for you. Taryn is easy to spot. Uh, she is over at the cafe cart here in the opening of atrium. Uh, she is buying a page. pastry and a coffee from a large but handsome ogre who has a badge that says chef Mike. Chef Mike, hell yeah. So Terran still doesn't care for us, right? Correct.

But she is open to the idea of working with you. Okay. And she's in on what we're, I mean, she's in on us doing this. Correct. Okay. I walk up to the cart. Hi, could I get a soy hazelnut latte with no liquid in it, please. Thank you.

Just a dry one. Just a dry. Yeah, I could do that. Great, great. Oh, Taryn! I didn't see you there. Did you want a scone? Of course I wanted a scone.

You know what? I'll take his liquid. Put the liquid back in, actually, if we're doing a scone. That's too much dry. Fine. Taryn, how are you? Oh, just I'm so good. Thank you.

So, like, oh, I'm doing so good. How are you? Oh, I've been better. You probably heard about me and Susan, huh? What? Oh, it's sensitive. I don't want to bother Chef Mike about it. Let's walk away to where we can have some privacy,

because things between me and Susan have gotten really nasty. I'll bring your drinks over. Let me hang here. I'll take care of him. It's on me. I'll hang here. Bring your drinks when they're ready. I've always looked at Taryn as a sort of counselor,

and I just need some real help with my thing with Susan. Fine. Yes. And she heads over towards one of the little, like, cafe tables, seated between two of the pools of water with trees. And she waits for you to join her. Impatiently, you would say. She's, you know, she is not, let's be honest, charmed by you quite yet.

But give it time. Give it time, maybe. I want to, this may be sort of paranoid of me, but I want to know a baseline of how paranoid I should be in here. Can I do a perception or probably be investigation check to see if like we will indeed have privacy at this table or if there are cameras

looking at us or if, you know, I don't think we know that yet. Yeah, go ahead. Do that role. Is that investigation or perception? Let's do investigation, because you'll are specifically looking for something. I know what I'm looking for, right?

So I got a 16 minus 1, 15. I would say with a 15, you think that you have as much privacy as you can. You see the equivalent of security cameras, but they're like mechanical eyes. Okay. But they don't seem focused on you. They just seem kind of... I'm more concerned about magic ears at this point. No, there doesn't seem...

You can't with a 15, it seems... You seem to be in the clear. Okay. I go join her then. So what? What, what, Susan, that's, that's not real, right? God, no. Okay.

No. Um, no, there's a whole, uh, we're on a sort of field trip here today looking for, you know, weaknesses. Cracks in the old armor, um, for a big, we, you know about the thing, right? The big, naughty thing we're doing. Okay. Yeah, so we're just kind of doing a little bit of pre-pro for the big Mish and just wondering what you might be able to do to help us out with that. Well, what do you want to know? First, would you do me a favor?

Sure. Will you rub this sack on your face? Huh. Well? It's a magic sack for... These magic sack. That's a little better. probably heard that one before, but I assure you.

Now, this is Travis talking. I just want to clarify, they just have to touch it. It doesn't have to touch the face. Well, that's fun. I don't have a Travis in the game. Okay, you got it. Yeah? Sorry our comedy podcast got too funny, Tram.

I'll try to raid it in, but I just want to make sure that you're not going. No, no, no, I get it. No bits and goofs. You want to keep it real. I'll just have her graze, graze her hand across it. That's good. She rubs it on her face. enthusiastically.

Very funny. You actually only needed to touch it with your rat. Oh, you got me. We're off. Classic fearbook. We're off to a great start. I mean, we know some stuff about how this building works. Ooh, this is a good place to start.

Tomorrow, there's supposed to be this big event, some big to-do. What do you know about that? You know, we got kind of a memo about it saying it was a big, kind of surprise announcement thing. There weren't many details to it. Everybody's encouraged to be there. Encouraged, but not required. It's like six of one, half dozen of the other.

You know, like at this point, they can't really require us to go, but if you don't go, your supervisor's like, hey, what's all you weren't there? And so it's a lot easier if you go. Everybody pretty much goes. Okay, okay. How long is the event going to, I guess you don't know. that. I have no idea.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, how do we get down into the archives and goof it up? I mean, there are probably many questions leading to that one, but... I mean, the ramp is over there. You're going to need an access badge because those are scanned.

Can we borrow yours? Then I wouldn't be able to get down there? Can you just go down there and blow it up or something? That would actually be pretty sick. It's not my This is your mission. I'm watched.

You need to, okay, you need a distraction and you need to not be noticed, right? Yeah, yeah. If I go down and do it, I will immediately be under suspicion as one of like five people who have unfettered access to it, right? What a noble sacrifice, though. Bards will sing tales of your bravery. Of the time I was arrested for life? Well, what is nobler than to give? give up one's life to blow up a bunch of records.

Listen, there's only two kinds of people that have access to that area, right? There are employees of the area, like me, and then there are people who work in the internal mail who are trusted to deliver things to records, right? You need to become one of those people. Get in there unnoticed, because who the hell pays attention to the male people? And that's how you get in, okay? Um, is there like a mail person locker room that we can go be silly in? Uh, she gestures over towards the shipping and receiving area and says, yeah, they have like, you know, a office in there or something.

Okay. I didn't think that that was going to be a question that got a yes. So I'm excited right now. Well, where else would they congregate and like share stories about mail delivery? Well, you're right. That was silly of me to think that something like that might not exist. Yeah, come on. Just a room for mail carriers to pal around and tell me.

They have to let out steam. Sure. Yeah, in their designated mail stories room. Right. Fearbogg. Yes. Could you, uh, this coffee is really hot? Could you come over here and, uh, help me with it?

You, you got. I walk over. What hell could I offer you with your coffee? Well, I was thinking if, if you used, uh, that bag around your hand, you could take it from Chef Mike and and you know and then it won't burn you open me and you know

Is he over at the counter? Yeah Am I at the counter? Chef Mike think fast and I throw my bag to it, my sack to him. Okay, hold on. I'm going to do a Dex chat to see if

Mike catches it. He doesn't need to catch it. Apparently just needs to touch his body somewhere. Oh, he catches the hell out of it. You throw it and he starts like doing kind of like a cool routine with it. And he hands it back to you gracefully and says, oh, reminds me of my days back into Royal Ballet. That was very good. I wasn't always a chef.

Yeah, give us the coffee, please. Do you want to hear my story? I cast ice knife on dad's coffee. There you go. They should do it. Oh, good job. Thank you. Just to be clear of what that looks like, do you spear it or is there just an ice?

It spares right through and then the coffee trickles, but as it trickles, it freezes. There's like an increasing brown icicle. Yeah, we got to remember the visual. Great, yeah. Perfect. All right. I think that's probably all Taryn can do for us right now, I'm assuming. Well, you had questions about how the archive works.

Um, so if you would like her to explain to you like a filing system. Yeah, I guess it's a good. Yeah. Here's your coffees. Here you go. What happened to your cup? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a very cool thing to say. Yeah, just wait until we, just wait until we blow up this building. He's going to have quite the zinger, I bet. Just you wait.

Ooh, this one's going on a poster. So like, what's, we get into the, the room. with all the records. What's it look like? Are we talking about just like a big pile of paper that we throw them at it and that's the ballgame? No. Okay.

Okay. So down in the archives on the lowest floor, there are 28 six foot cabinets, right? They're alphabetized with two cabinets remaining for any names or locations that don't fit into the 26-letter alphabet. Okay? Okay.

Within each cabinet, there is a pocket dimension. Okay. Sort of like one of those bags of holding kind of things, right? Yeah, sure. And so that is how we keep all the files there in that limited space. Once you account, some of these contracts are like 100 pages long. There would be billions of pieces of paper or something like that, right? This way we can keep track of them without having to build a weird.

house. The problem is that kind of compression, that kind of magic running constantly, it creates, for lack of a better word, exhaust, right, magical exhaust. And it's not harmful or anything, but as it builds up, it can wreak havoc when you try to cast a spell, right? And, you know, so in order to keep it from, like, interacting with the compression magic, with the dimensional thing, what we have is kind of an exhaust system of this, like, well, basically it's stalactites with this moss on them that, like, basically feeds on the magical exhaust, right? So that keeps the air clear and it keeps the magic working. Okay. Is it going to keep us from doing magical stuff?

in there? No, it doesn't stop magic. Okay. It just kind of feeds on the byproduct of when you cast magic. Okay. Cool. I bet that's some potent moss. So, Taryn, are they, so you said they're organized alphabetically.

Is that, is there any way to tell which are the most important files, the most important contracts? Do they have, you know, some kind of system for, like a gold star or? Well, any way to tell that one file is, you know, more important or worth more or, you know, better target. Not easily. The only, like, sure way to do it is if you can get into the files, you can see, like, updated contracts, which usually means that they were renegotiated in some way, which usually denotes some kind of long-term thing. that's really the clearest indicator. But I mean, we don't normally do massive searches through them.

We know which one we're looking for and that's how we're able to summon it. Okay. So 28 pocket dimensions, right? Yep. Cool. Argo. Hmm? Argo.

Yes, Ferbog. Your coffee was not. too hot. No, it was well, yeah, I was, I thought it was too hot, isn't it? It was a subterfuge. But is he going to do that every time? I have discovered your clever

rules. This was genius. I thought it did not seem too hot and then I cast a spell on it, but it was not too hot. Oh no, Fairbog's turning into Dracula. Well, yes, Fearbock. and I didn't want you to be in a position to have to lie because I know you're still new at it. But you did great. You did.

Awesome. Thank you. Your incredible mendacity served us both very well. I think that was a compliment. In a sense, yes. I have the refashion. And now you have two faces in your data bank, right? The mask has two faces.

A mask. Oh, that's good. Hi, real quick, before we get into, like, the ads and announcements and stuff, I just wanted to say, one, thank you to everybody who submitted items for heist shopping. They were all great. I just had to narrow it down, so there wasn't too much choice. Also, thank you to everybody who tweeted about the show. There's going to be lots more NPCs in the next couple episodes. but I have some names this week that I wanted to tell you about.

First of all, Chef Mike is named after Mike Haraz, who people probably know as Chef Mike. Hollifer is named after Hollifer Fogarty. Kai is named after At Teal Bean Kai. Bailey is named after three bebel. Brittany and Nell Bailey, as well as Ann Kern. Nander is named after Tom Garvey and Taryn, who I should have mentioned. and like two episodes ago is named after at Taron Maroon.

So thank you to everybody. Like I said, there's going to be more NPCs to keep tweeting about the show with the hashtag the Zonecast and, you know, if I need a name, I'll be pulling from there. Okay, now, on to the ads and stuff. Where to?

Should we split up so it's not to attract attention? I mean, as long as none of us pop off and, like, really give ourselves away. And in this open-air scenario, it's very easy to keep track of one another. Yeah, sure. You'll always be within basically shouting distance of one another. I wanted to check out the mail room because it feels like that would be a good, like, first costume to have the first sort of thing to know about. Yeah, that's kind of where I want to.

And, you know, as the face, I also think that that is a good start for you. And where exactly are the badges? Well, that would be a good place. Reception would probably be a best place to kind of inquire about that. I believe that's what Argoo is going to go check out. Because I think that regardless of, I mean, we're just planning, right? Just gathering resources. I think he might like to try to lift a badge or three.

Okay. What about you, Fearbog? Oh, geez, man. I'm just really outside my comfort zone here. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'll just kind of hang out in the atrium and try to just get the lay, just trying to meet some folks.

Yeah, well, here's, if I may recommend. Yeah. You know from Althea that there is a security force, an internal security force here in the Heroic Oversight Guild. But she does not know, like, what their routes are, what their patterns are. So here in the open air atrium, you can pretty much get eyes on everything above ground. So that might be a good chance for the Fearbug to do a little recon without having to wander around or lie to anyway. Yeah, that sounds good. I want to do that.

Okay, great. So let's start. And also, I want to get people used the idea there's a Fearbug. There's a Fearbug here. Let's get all the chatter done first and then just get used to the fact that there's a fearbook here. Do we have the goodies? We have all the goodies, right? We have the things that we order. Yes, you can have them to use now.

Okay. Okay. So let's start with the reception conversation. So Argo, you approach the reception desk. It's a pretty wide number. and you can see there are places for many people to kind of work behind it

but this early in the morning it's still before like main check-in kind of rush there's only one person working behind the desk it is a human woman with pink hair

greetings oh hi how are you today your hair is lovely Oh, well, thank you very much. Can I get your name? Do you need to sign in? Oh, no, no.

I have read so much about this place. I'm just kind of soaking in the atmosphere. I just am so amazed at the attention to detail. I'm so amazed at the beauty. Well, thank you so much. I do need your name, please. Oh, yes. My name.

Oh, my, what, first or last? Just your full name, please. Okay. Blufeld. Johnson. Blofeld Johnson. What's a pleasure to meet you? My name is Bailey Kern.

How can I help you? Fucking Blu-Feld-Johnson. It's just your... I just am so amazed at this place. How long has this place been around? Oh, quite some time now. The actual building itself is only about 75 years old, but the heroic oversight guild has been around over 200 years.

And how long have you worked here? Well, I've only worked here about a decade. Oh, okay. So it's so amazing to me. And it's full of surprises. I have looked around. I've seen so many things that surprise me. And listen, how long have you had a fearbug working here?

There's a fearbug here? Oh, yeah, he signed in here yesterday. He's just a guest, I think. Have you ever seen one? I mean... A fear vault? No, this is my first. Look at him.

Look at Tom. He is an amazing creature. I prefer not to stare. Creature. Sir, he's a person. Well, I know. I mean, I think the important thing we can all agree on is that he's here and it's normal. Listen, we got all types here at the Hero C oversight guild.

You know, we get all kinds coming through. So does he have a badge? The Fearbook, no, he's just a guest. The badge is for employees on. only. I've heard a lot about those badges. Are they really gold? Are they really like gold and silver and stuff?

Well, some of them are. Roll an insight check for me. To see how fucking wicked onto you and us in this whole operation? That's a 17 plus minus 1. So that's a 16, but I have advantage with the monocle of misdirection. No way you beat that. And that is a Nat 20. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a Nat 20, you get insight that she, as soon as you mentioned in the bans, she got uncomfortable. But it seems like she's mostly uncomfortable hearing you ask about the materials they're made of. And with a net 20, you're able to tell that it is because these are precious metals, right? So this is a thing, even if you're not worried about people trying to steal. them for security clearance. It's a very valuable badge to have, right? So as soon as you're like, hey, is this made out of gold and silver, that instantly

made her kind of suspicious. Is she wearing one? Of course she is. Okay. Well, thank you for the info. Thank you. Where do you get your hair done? Oh.

Well, thank you. Yeah. You know, can I tell you a secret? Sure. I do it myself. No. Yeah. Absolutely.

I have been needing a trim. Have you noticed the length? How long my hair? Look how. I've got nobody good. I got no good styling. That's the worst, isn't he? Can't find somebody you trust?

Yeah. I know. But, I mean, I see what you've done to yours. You don't have like a break or anything coming up, do you? I mean, where you could maybe... Are you asking me to come on hair? I never cut somebody else's hair before. Well, I mean, you don't have.

I mean, if you can cut your own hair, you can cut somebody else's hair, right? I mean, I don't know that that necessarily holds true, but, you know, I know he just met. I mean, I'd be willing to try if you're desperate. Yeah, oh, I am. I mean, look at this. Okay, well, I'll tell you what, my replacement comes in in about an hour. Maybe I could, you know, I don't know, just cut off your split ends at that point. That would be so cool.

I would love that. Just to trim it up a little bit, you know, maybe thin it out a bit. A bit thin out of the hair. See what I did there. Okay, yeah, sure. Yeah, I think we can probably make that work. Oh, that's excellent. Where should I meet you?

Oh, just meet me back here in an hour. Good deal. I realized about half I did that conversation. I forgot to make that do any trash. But then I was like, oh, it's fun. I want to cut some hair. That's fine with me. Okay, let's hop on over to that mailroom conversation.

I got a mustache on now. Oh, a big old, and it's like a pushroom mustache. You said it was like a wolf or brimley. Yeah, no, it goes all the way to the ground. Whoa, that's not what I meant at all. No, it's not quite that long. And I walk in with just a sort of air of confidence. So I guess it's just the normal way.

And I just walk right into the male like break room. Oh, hey, dear. Can I help you, there? Yeah, I'm here for the interview. Oh, well, I'm the supervisor here. Name's Nander. I didn't know. I had an interview today, do I? Yes, sir.

We've spoken on the phone. Well, okay, then. Wait, I got to pick a different voice. Hold on. I just did that kind of voice. Yeah. Well, hey there. Yeah, you can...

We spoke on the phone? Yeah, several times. The name's Buck. Roll a deception check for me. Bun Jensen. That is a 13 plus 821. Oh, I don't remember. talking, but I guess.

The name's Buck Humpman. Buck Humpman. You know, I guess now that you mention it, the name does sound kind of familiar. I'm here for the mail carrier job interview. So where is that going to take place? Do you have a sort of sub-break room that we could have a little privacy in? Oh, well, everybody's out working now. I can just interview.

You, right here? I grab a chair and I fucking like turn it 180 degrees and sit on it the cool way. Oh, man. You are really working. I'm interviewing for this guy's job. Yeah, right? The job you want. Yeah.

Okay. I didn't even know we had any positions open. I guess my first question is what makes you want to work in the mailroom? I love messages. People talking, bringing it together. That's what it's all about, isn't it? I mean, communication, collaboration. When lines get crossed, I feel like our hearts get closed off.

And that's a big problem in the world today. Hey, Griffin, let me give you this one. When lines get crossed, that crosses the line. Okay, yeah, I'm trying to. When lines get crossed, that crosses the line in Buck's book. Griffin, do a... Buck's book, Chapter 7. Page 13.

It's right there. When lines get crossed, that crosses the line. Do a, let's see, like, do a charisma chat for me. Just add charisma. Just straight charisma? Just straight. Wow, it's a thousand bucks the most charismatic character we've ever had. That's 16 plus 4.20.

You see a tear rolled down his cheat. And he says, I didn't know anybody cared about the male as much as I did. Oh, I care even more. Don't try me. Okay, what's the biggest package you ever delivered? Did a Operation Dumbow drop? No, those are legend. Yeah, I did one.

And real. It's a real one. Elephant got him on a helicopter and dropped him out of the plane and he did live when he hit the ground. A lot of Dumbo drops, they're not as cautious about the descent phase. Now, roll the deception check for me. Really, F for ever after. Well, I didn't make Dad do any, so I got to use them up here. 10 plus 8, 18.

He is blown away. Where have you worked before? What kind of experience you got? I've been sort of a mercenary. When people need messages to get from one place to another or elephants, as the case may be, I'm a sort of their guy, but I'll be honest. I miss being part of a family, and it feels like I've found one. What was your name again? Nander.

Nander? Nander. Nander, it feels like... Nander. Feels like I found one, Nander. Well, you know, when I came to work today, I didn't even know there were any open positions, but I, you're hired. Yes. When could you start?

Tomorrow. You already asked. Look around you. Yeah. I could start. Let me think about it. Let me talk to the, let me talk about it. And it tomorrow seems good, though.

So where I get one of those male guy costumes that you're wearing that looks so cool. He's an extremely experienced male deliverer that doesn't know what a uniform is. Do you mean uniform? He always did it rough and around. his whole gig, whatever he rolled out of bed in. What kind of uniforms have you worn before? Well, you know, there's a lot of jungle camouflage.

But I assume that that's not necessary here. Yeah, I've delivered some pretty thorny messages. Well, yeah, you can start tomorrow. I'm going to start you off pretty slow, but I'll partner you with one of our most experienced deliverers. Their name is Kai. And they'll show you the ropes. Brock works a, Buck works alone.

Well, okay. Brock also, Brock is my brother who also works alone. We never work together. You do need to kind of learn. Kai has been here longer than anybody else and they can show you the ropes. And, you know, I'm, it sounds to me like you're going to pick it up pretty fast, Buck Humphan. It can't be that, though.

Now that I, now that I've gotten to know you, Nander, I can tell you that that was, that was not my real name. and I have to be careful because like I said, Nander, I've delivered some packages that could get me in some real trouble. But now that I know that you're on the level, I can let you know. This is nom de mail.

I can tell you my real name. My real name is Chide. Chide, the bobsman. Chudh, Chud. It's so nice to meet your choice. I need to clarify that it's. His name is Chud Chud

Bopsman, please. I actually, it's been a hard year and I need his name to be Chud, Chud, Bobbsman. It's Chud Hibhubbbsman.

He wanted his name to be Chud, Chud, Bopsman, mail carrier for hire. Chud, I think, pick out the Dahl,

you know, don't, don't, Chud, Chud, chud, I think, Chud, Chud and Nand.

They're going to be best friends. Oh, I already feel it. Chud and me are best friends. So you get in here tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. to work with Kai, and they'll show you around. Cool beans. Let's see. So you feel bald.

You've posted up here in the cafe. You've been enjoying the scones that everybody ordered but didn't eat. And I don't mean across the entire, like, atry. I might just mean at your table. I keep going back for scones. And I feel like maybe I have a bit of a relationship with Chef Mike at this point. Does that seem fair? I hope so. If you're going to be him.

You've listened to Chef Mike's life story by this time dancing in the Royal Ballet and how that transitioned into being a highly paid assassin. And eventually that led into the obvious path of becoming a cafe cart worker at the Royal Goverside Kill. Okay. And I want to talk to him.

Can that be my... Sure. I... Oh, back again. Have returned. This is not a proud time. But this gone, I have never had this. I have had mainly berries.

This cone is... Mike, it is amazing. Oh, thank you so much. I require three more scones. Three more? I'm worried about you. And berry? I know I have...

For you, Fearbug, you seem like a berry connoisseur. I got some special berries here. They're ogre berries. Those get you high. Oh, you didn't hear that from me. I take an ogre berry and also chocolate.

Live a little. Okay. I have a question for you, Mike. who does everyone have to come here to get their scones to the cafe? Yeah. I mean, are you asking if I've ever thought about doing scone delivery? I have. Honestly, I have.

It's a hard business to get into a lot of competition. It's a big facility. I thought maybe do sometimes you bring food to people that they're working? Are you asking if I'll bring food? food, do you? No, no, no, just making a conversation. Uh, I mean, if it's a, if it's a special customer, a good tipper, uh, I'm not above making a scone run.

Who's the, who's the, the best? The best tipper? I thought that maybe, if I knew the best, it would help for me. Yeah, that seems a perfectly normal thing to say. I would say it's probably, probably Hollifer, frankly. Hollifers's always been good to me. She's great. What is Hollifer? Is the name?

No, who is Hollifer. Oh, yeah, she's one of the guards. She's around here somewhere. She loves her scones almost as much as you do. I must talk with her about scones. I mean, she's married. This is not a relationship. This is purely scotanical. Well, she's over there.

You can see her. She's right next to the shipping and receiving there. She is right there at the top of the ramp down to her records. Give me, give me seven more scones. Seven. Keep them coming, big boy. I'm married to. Again.

Okay. He gives you the scones. And they're fresh. They're warm. They're perfect. They're perfect. I put them into my sack. Okay.

Wait, you're fucking transforming face sack? Are you going to turn into scones? Oh, boy. Sweet, sir. Griffin, don't be dumb. Only his face would turn into a scone. You're right. I'm going to go over and talk to Hollifer.

You head over to Hollifer. She, uh, you roll an inside check for me. Yeah, I just haven't had to roll this whole time. And the whole notion of rolling kind of slept through my, even when I said that wild thing about how it would help to me, you didn't make me roll there. Well, at that point, we'd establish that you and Jeff Mike had a rapport. It's a great report. Insight is 22. So she, all appearances are that she is very chill and maybe even kind of dozing in and out.

But you notice that as you move, her eyes track you and she seems to be kind of taking everything in all at once. So appearances appear to be deceiving. And actually, she is very on point. Hello, excuse me. Yes. I am a friend of Chef Mike. and Chef Mike says he delivers scones to his best customer and he said you are one of his best customers

so I would I have brought you a scone. Chef Mike? And I opened the bag. It extended in front me. You're a fear bog, right? Right? I can't say no. Do you do anything to these?

This is a fearball joke. Please appreciate it. You do anything to these scones? Smell, I did take a few free smells. Well, smells are free. I am hungry. They're seven. Okay.

And she takes two. Excellent. Do you recommend any of the scones I am new here? Like the flavor? Yes Don't do the ogre berry They get weird Okay

I understand that But why does the giant pigeon Behind you Why are they warning me Against them as well And you're having a bad trip Listen You need to get some orange slices

Yeah have a little now Please guard me In your official capacity Okay just lean your head Against the cool Stone floor here And Make sure the pageant doesn't get you

please thank you if you could just watch my other scones yeah i'll keep an eye on the scones and keep him safe from the pigeon just to take it to the scoreboard real quick dad is getting a haircut uh just had a bad drug trip and had to lay down on the ground and i got a job at the building we are robbing so one of us is leading on the heist leaderboards i think considering my inability to lie I think I navigated the situation masterfully. I mean, he picked up a little bit, I guess, magical DNA. Yeah, you continued your game of bureaucrat Pokemon Go that you've been playing here. So let's jump back to that reception desk real quick.

It's time has passed. And we see Argonaut waiting for Bailey Kern to get off. work so that she can cut his hair because that's where we're at. And then you hear behind you as you're waiting two voices, Argonaut, and one, speaking a bit of a whisper, go ahead and make a perception check for me. I swear to God, another nat 12. Holy shit. So you hear that voice plus three.

Well, it doesn't. That's 23. It doesn't matter. It's perfect. You got 100%. And one voice says, everything is prepared, sir. We're going to make the big announcement tomorrow about your promotion.

Oh, we can't wait. Everyone's going to be so excited. This is a long time coming. And the other voice says, yes, it's a little too long coming, if you ask me. And you recognize the voice. You recognize it immediately as the first voice says, Yes, it'll be such good news for everyone to hear a comment, or should I say, Admiral,

and you turn around and you see walking up to the reception desk behind you, the Commodore.