The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 4 "Four Sidekicks Walk Into A Bar..."

Episode Date: December 19, 2019

The fellas are out in the world and things get real. Real litigious that is! Also, everyone goes shopping and gets stronger!  Plus, Fitzroy scams a free drink! Roll to enjoy this episode... it's a CRITICAL HIT! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on The Adventure Zone, Peronimus Wigginstaff's School for Heroism and Villany. Argo Keene here. Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt? I have no name. I hear that you just won't give up on accounting. Very nice. I have asked to transfer. You're ready for some real-world experience, I guess.

You need to work together. You know, you've learned some things not just this day. but in the past fortnight at the school. And what that means is you're all now level three. The true name of this village is Hope, but it's known by all the locals as Last Hope. I look forward to you all receiving your real world's assignment and venturing out into the world to make us proud next week.

Travis, you have to host that. You have to do it. Travis, you're the... And go. Okay, do you want me to count you in? Yes, please. Okay. Three, two.

Justin, it's coming down in, and then you count. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Coming down in 15, 14. You go start at three. Start at four. Four. Start at four. Okay.

Coming down in four. Three. Can I go to the bathroom real quick? Is it, we find the horse strong cart. Wait. I'll do some decimals. Three, two point eight, two point seven. Okay.

We find a horse-drawn cart moving at a brisk pace along the forest path from Wigginstaff's campus to the town of Last Hope. Groundsy is driving the cart, quietly humming to himself, lost in his own thoughts. In the back of the cart, we find six students seated comfortably. On one side of the cart sits Buckminster Eden, his sidekick Leon, and his temporary sidekick, Argo Keene. On the other side, Rainier-Michel and her attempts, Fitzroy Mabelcourt, and Master Furbog. The six of you are headed out on a real-world assignment with Buckminster leading the heroes and Rainier leading the villains. It's been about an hour since you met with Tomas, the school counselor, and Kale, the head of the placement department. Kale explained the situation like this.

Just south of Last Hope, there is a crystal mine. These crystals are chalkful of magic and therefore worth a pretty penny to enchanters and artificers. Currently, the mine is at a standstill due to a dispute between the company that holds the deal, to the mine and their workers. Heroes, your task is to settle the dispute in some fashion that makes both sides feel heard and supported without actually taking sides. Villains, your task is to play the situation for your own gain in whatever manner you see fit. When all is said and done, your performance will be evaluated and a grade will be issued. Of course, all along the way, we must keep an eye towards the bottom line. Before you left, each of you were instructed to stop

by the Bursar's office and talk to Osric. there he set each of you up with a 200 gold piece line of credit if you're doing the math that's 1200 gold spread amongst the six of you the governor of this district has offered the school 1500 gold to solve the issue it is important that you do not incur costs including your lines of credit over 1500 gold or your grade will be impacted you can pay down back into the black with any treasure or gold obtained during the assignment So accounting is it's not just a goof. Apparently, I am learning now. It is a very important game mechanic for this season of the Adventure Zone. Yes. Wait, you thought you were just going to go out there and just spend money willy-nilly? No, sir, every goal must be accounted for.

That includes if you do damage and like a bar fight or if one of you gets fined by like a city watch. Let's pretend, Travis, that a listener, when that story. thought, this seems pretty boring. I'm going to zone out for a little bit. And then realized at the end that it was important and they should have been listening. Like a listener who might have to play the game? No, no. Why would they play the game?

They're a listener at home and join the show. I'm just saying for their benefit, maybe you could recap that in kind of a more concise. Okay. The six of you with Rainier as the villain and her sidekicks are the Fearbolg and Fitzroy and Buckminster as the hero. with Leon and Argo have been sent to the town of Last Hope to solve a dispute between an owner of a magic crystal mine and the workers there.

No, I got all that. The fantasy story stuff, love it, wild about it. Totally focused in on that. See if you can figure out where... Oh, the accounting, probably the mouse? Yes. Okay. Each of you has been issued 200 gold,

a line of credit of 200 gold from the school, right? which adds up to 1,200 gold amongst the six of you. The school has been offered a reward of 1,500 gold for solving this issue, leaving 300 gold as, you know, kind of the profit. And so part of your grade is going to be determined on how well you can stay within budget and not go over that 1,500 gold mark in your spending and incurring any damage or fines or anything like that. Got it.

Perfect. I'm down. So, you're sitting in the back of the cart. You're all feeling so well-rested. And in fact, invigorated from your training, perhaps like you've learned and grown and you're stronger now than you've ever been before. Level-up?

I leveled up, man. I feel leveled. I think he was trying to be a little bit more in-world than that. But if... You're now three summers old. The year of the wisdom. The wisdom of never winter is seeped into your bones and caused the growth. Do you want to know all the cool stuff I can do now?

It's all the same. It's all the same. In your travels, you've heard tale of many new incantations. Thank you. I didn't get any incantation. What did you get, Dad? What's a rogue to do? Nothing.

Wait, nothing? At level three, you didn't get any additional shit. Well, let's see. Attacks the same. Actions the same. Bonus action. Cunning action. Yes, cunning action. Okay, you got cunning action. All right. I can take a bonus action on each of my turns to take the dash, disengage or hide action. So, cowardice is my new thing. Dan, I just want to say, welcome to the club. This is how I felt every time Magnus leveled up. And I was like, I can hit again. And meanwhile, Justin and dad are like, I could call angels and hurl fire from my eyeballs.

I'm very happy with this. I'm just going to get better and better at the few things I do right. Mack, what is your level three now? That's when rogues pick their roguish archetype. I think you've talked about what you're doing, but can you set it into it? I just think with his background, it's got to be swashbuckler. Yeah. I mean, the mustache, if nothing else.

I mean, the demands. That is how we determine. Yeah. That he buckles his swash on a regular basis. What does that mean, like, mechanics-wise? Like, how does that? Well, I'm glad you asked. I get fancy footwork, which means if you make a melee attack, the creature can't make an opportunity to attack.

And also, this is one of my favorites, rakeish audacity. Yeah. That's more of a genetic tree. Yeah, you add charisma to the initiative rolls, and then you don't need advantage on the attack to roll to use your sneak attack if you're within five feet. So I am now audacious. Wait, so you don't need advantage on sneak attack? What was the last part?

So you gain an additional way to use sneak attack. You don't need advantage on the attack roll to use your sneak attack against a creature if you are within five feet of it. No other creatures are within five feet of you, and you don't have disadvantage on the attack roll. So if they're standing all by themselves, you can just walk right up to them and sneak attack them. God, that's fucking fresh. That's your audacity.

That's your fucking Assassin's Creed like, and then you're out. That's good. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So how's Fitzroy doing over there? At level three, Fitzroy got to pick the, his class flavor as a business, Barbarian. It's called the path, I think, and the path that I have chosen is the path of the wild soul.

And this has a few cool things. I can cast detect magic sort of at will, and I figure out the answer to that detect magic by glowing in a different color, which is fun. I have advantage on all dexterity saving throws that I can see. And best of all, I get wild surge, where every time I go into a rage, it activates one of eight random effects that I roll to see what it is, and they are all pretty buck wild. So excited to see what happens with that.

What about you, Master Fearbug? Sorry, my cats took a most non-triumphant shit, like 20 feet from me. Oh, no. Yeah. The circle I'm in is the ninth circle of, Hell is where I'm currently at. No, I am proud to announce that after being courted by all the different circles, I did rush a circle of the forest.

And I'm so, we're so happy. There was a few nights I had to stay up, like, without sleep and had to drink beer out of a gnome's butt cheeks. But it, it was all worth it. I love my. Did the gnome get in, too? the gnome worked there that is his job actually well paid though right this is an art okay it's not a stunt it's an art okay so any other details or just the gnome but thing i mean what what do you want i mean he's a circle the forest he's got like bark skin and

spider climb and all this stuff i just think i'm doing my part to make this part shorter I feel like I'm ready to just, like, fucking crank it. As the cart bumps on down the path, Buckminster looks around and says, I have a suggestion, just a minor thing. I was thinking, if you think about it, our end goals don't contradict one another, perhaps, at least for this first information gathering section, we could work together and do half the work each. What do you think?

How's that grab everybody? Eat my shorts. Eat my shorts. Good doer. How am I doing so far? It's not a natural fit, I think. No, it's not larping. You don't have to be in character fits.

This is, no. It seems, if the goal is to bring cooperation, this would be difficult to split. Well, we wouldn't split the actual work, like, once we get to the mine, but like, why? So here, the other option is, like, you're going to talk to the mine

owner, and then I'm going to talk to the mine owner? This is an excellent. Yes, this is an excellent point. That just seems like a waste of time. Well, and we did get told that we needed to cooperate and work together, right? I mean, in the, on,

You know, just a few days ago in class, I assume it was a few days ago. Who can remember? Proper allocation of resources is important for any new venture. Well put. That's very well done, says Rainier. Yes. And Rainier says, okay, you know, it seems to me that this is an efficient plan. But, oh, and she kind of looks at you, Fitzright, oh, we don't trust these villains.

and like elbows you a little bit, you know, nudge, nudge. Yeah. I've been working on my... Oh, wait, we're the villain. Wait, we don't trust these do good. Let me try again. We don't trust these heroes, eh? Nia!

Oh, God, are you okay? I feel a bit of a tickle in my... I cannot produce too many of those in a given day. So I'm for it. Just quick vote. Everybody, yeah? Agreed? Aye.

That's fine. Um, and I wanted to talk to you, Master Feelbog. I'm going to feel really weird calling you Master Fearbug the whole time. Yes, it's cumbersome. Yes. I thought of a name for you that, I mean, not everybody needs to use it, but I would like to use it if it's okay. This is fine. I was wondering if I could call you you, you, like Y-E-W.

This is very confusing. Well, I figured it would be a smooth transition. Now, hold on just a minute there, hot shot. You think you could just wonder into the naming the big Fear Bowl game? Me and Argo been at this for months now. It's a tough racket. What did you settle on? Out of character.

What did you settle on? What are you guys been using? Master Fear Bowl all the time? Well, we had a Furby. We had Furby. At Furby? Bud seems to have taken purchase. Bud was in the early run.

By the way, Fear Bowl, I have. Come up with a new contender for today, and you let me know what you think. Dr. Mushrooms? This is like Dr. Mushroom. Do we have to say the whole name every time? I, with his respect. He did not go to Mushroom Medical School for eight years for you not to use his full name. But yes, but at that point, Master Fearbug is as short, if not easier to say.

It is the same number of, it's the same number of syllables. It's a lateral move. Okay. Well, Dr. Mushroom, it is for now. Mushrooms is multiple. We don't want to box. Dr. Mushrooms. Excuse me.

How about just fun guy? He's a fun guy. Okay. Dr. Mushrooms, it is. Oh, we seem to have reached the town. Here we are. Would everybody like to go shopping? Yes!

montage. Except not, because this is an audio medium. And I guess you could do an audio montage, but it would just be music playing, right? Yeah. I can't believe I found the ancient wizard staff of Infinite Power and got it for such a good price. And now I level me up to 20, all in one big montage.

Wow. In town, there are two main shops, one offering clothing and accessories for every range of event from field work to royal events, and one offering all manner of tomes and other scholarly surprise from all over the world. The second shop doesn't appear to have a sign, so do you want to shop at Barnes and Nobles

or the unnamed shop? Oh, geez. Woof. Woofs the day's me. Hey, Griffin fucking called his shop Fantasy Costco. I justified mine. And inspired a generation in doing so. But mine, it's for people who work on a,

field or royal events. It's Barnes and Nobles. What's the name of the other one? It's unnamed. He couldn't think of a funny thing. Travis fucking said Barnes and Nobles out loud and blacked out. Just came to two minutes before recording. The stores are side by side. Out front, there are all sorts of signs comparing each other's deals in a disparaging way. And some of the signs are downright nasty. So which one do you want to Enter. To part the curtain a bit, you have sent us lists of items submitted by our listeners.

Correct. In which store window do I spy a beautiful, brilliant cloak? That would be Barnes and Nobles. I'm in there. I'm in there like swimwear. Do you all go in together? Are you going into separate stores? Oh, let's stay together.

Yeah, I'll follow. We get so little time together anymore. When you enter the shop, you immediately realize that it's actually one shop with two different storefronts and down the middle is painted a bright red line. The armor and accessories counter is run by one of the mouse folk, while the book and supply side is run by a tabaxi, which is a cat person. I'm on that cloak. I'm like, you all see me and then you don't see me anymore because I'm on this cloak that

I spotted through the shop window that I must have. Oh, how? You're here. Oh, customers. Excellent, excellent. Is that the cat? Which one is that? What?

If you had to guess, which one, the super high-pitched voices? Do you think it's the mouse or the cat? Probably the mouse. Yeah. Hey, this is a real nice shop you've got here, and I will take this. Cloak, how much is it? Now tell me. Oh, well, that cloak, let me see.

I need to be careful that I don't go into Festo. It's tough. I know. Why, that is the cloak of classy. It's a hundred and twenty-five gold pieces. It's, it is, man, I wish you hadn't told me the name, because it looks great, and it looks classy, but then it's called classy in the name, which is, ironically, not very classy, it feels. Ah, but let me tell you a little bit about it.

It's crafted from the finest quality wool, incredibly soft of the touch, and extraordinarily beautiful as you can see. Oh, yeah, I'm seeing and feeling it. It will fit the wearer perfectly and accentuate their best physical features. Any person you interact with. Oh, yeah. Any person you interact with will think you are an extremely classy dresser, despite what the rest of your outfit may be comprised of. It also, this is Travis.

It gives you plus two to charisma. I've just realized. It was crafted by the designer Katie Knoth. Oh, yes. That was who submitted it. This is a, this is a, this is a, this is a, Genuine Katie Noth. Indeed.

How much did you say? 125. 125 gold. For a noth? Were you born in a barn? And nobles. Okay. Yes.

The mouse was born here? Yes, it's a family shop. There's placenta everywhere. This is... I wasn't born in this. I was born upstairs in the upstairs apartments. So are you going to take it or? It's already on my body.

Look, it's straight, isn't it? Your calves look amazing. I don't even know how that's possible. But yes, a cloak, I think, would explicitly either hide the calves or not interact with them at all. Oh, no, it really shows them off. Yeah, this leg meat is popping. And you also, now that you're in the shop, you can shop from either side. You just have to go to the two different counters.

Hmm. And in our, we were in this, this tavern of training, the training tavern. And I chopped at a skeleton with my sword and got a little chip in it. Do you have any kind of weaponry here, mouse person? My name is Geraldine. You can call me Jerry. Um, yeah. Oh, motherfucker.

Fucking good, dude. What's wrong? Huh? Fucking good. Can I get it's me. Justin, I was over here looking at the windbreakers. I just want to say it's fucking good, dude. Is your boy named Tom over there?

Is that Tom? Hey, what? Somebody's name my name? Fucking choice, man. Anyway, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Justin. See you again tomorrow.

My dad's tricking up outside. Come on, Jude. Come on. Let's go. We got planes to go jump in, too. Dude, but you'll never, babe, you'll never get what the fuck these guys are calling in. I'll tell you on the way.

Okay, come on. You're going to fucking bust up. You better let me drive because you're going to bust up so bad. All right, let's go. Anyways, as I was saying, yeah, we got this blade here. It's got a wide crossguard that has a floral pattern engraved on it, which protects its owner's hands like a crossguard does. And there's a crystal sphere on each side of the crossguard that can be enchanted with magic

that adds plus three to attack rolls. Now, without the enchantment, of course, the arms just sparkle nicely. the sunlight. It's called the Florence. It was designed by the weaponry designer Marissa. And that right there, that's 200 gold pieces. So it just always adds plus three to attack rolls? Well, it's got two charges. And it'll be used twice a day. Okay. So does each bobble, does each sphere add plus three? So I have plus six? No, you can use one sphere at a time. Plus three per sphere, two charges per day. All right, what's it hit for if it's not charged?

The same as your regular attack roll bonus with any sword. Three, yeah. Don't make me speaking game mechanics. It's weird. Can I try it out? Can I, you know, get the feel of the thing? I mean, yeah, don't swing it at anybody. Well, how else am I going to get the feel for it?

Balance it on my nose? I should step in here and say my alignment does dictate that I should point out that he is a rogue. And so like, just think about, just have that in mind. And please, Argo, I hope you. You can hold it. If it disappears or breaks, you bought it. Yes, exactly. Well, all right.

I tell you what, just let me hold it. Let me get this. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's real. That feels like it was made for my hand. Um, how much is it? 200 gold pieces. Would you take

199? No, this is it, it's 200 gold pieces. That's how much it costs. This whole world is based on accounting. You think I'm going to barter? What are you? Some kind of monster? Why would you make the math?

Would you take? No good. One 98. I will take either the sword back or 200 gold pieces. 200 gold. Jeez. Whatever happened to the customer is always right. I've never heard that before.

I'll take it. Deal. I will have the camera glasses. Excuse me? The glasses that take a picture. Oh! Do you mean these spectacles of sustaining? I will have this.

Okay, well, they're fragile, so be careful. As you can see, there's circular glasses. is that when rolling a D20, whatever that means, I'm just reading the tag, plus intelligence, should the roll be higher than 12, you may capture an image of whatever the user is looking at for later use and research. And those are of course designed by JD. I will have him. Okay, 50 gold, please. And you see Leon has picked up on the other side over the book and supply side, a jar of glue, as well as a trapper keeper.

Now the glue, it's glue. It can glue any two objects together. You roll 1D6 to see how well the glue holds. On a 6, it will hold forever. One, it falls apart immediately. Anything between is on a, you know, scale determined. Wait, why are the NPCs buying things? We have money too, you know.

This is a free market economy. Yeah, that's fair. What? They're going to get lines of credit and not buy stuff? That doesn't make a lick a sense. Sorry, Travis, I'm still days from Travis referring to all of his NPCs as we. It was fucking chilling, Traff. Hey, they come out of my brain, son.

Okay. And the trapper keeper is small enough to fit in a satchel, and the box can contain a creature of small or smaller size. And those were by Logan Wyant and Joan Arkham. What, uh, how much money do we have each? 200. Oh, you done burnt years. I'm done. Do you need more money?

I was looking at, they've got these notebooks over here. Did you, I mean, aren't we getting... Oh, yeah, hey. Yeah, come over here. I've got all the interesting stuff over here. Come, ignore my sister. Come over here. Shop with me.

Wait, you're a cat. Uh-huh. Right? A merchant cat named Tom. Correct. And your sister is a mouse. Correct. I was adopted.

I love this reality. Tell me about these notebooks, will you? Well, which notebook are you looking at that notebook of far speech there? Sure. Well, it's a pair of magically bound notebooks. If you write on the last page, you can use the beginning part of the notebook, like a regular notebook. But if you write on the last page of either notebook, it makes whatever is written appear on the same page or the other notebook. And then it disappears from both notebooks after one minute.

So, you know, you can write notes to each other and stay in common. contact and all of that. Of course, that's designed by Daniel Edgerton Dickie, and it's 25 gold pieces. A genuine Dickie? Well, Edgerton Dickie, but yes. I know I spent all my money, but, you know, fellas, this could come in real handy for, like, cheating on tests. Now, I will just let you know, a lot of them professors up at the school, they have spells that kind of shut it down during test time. So, well, they may have other uses. I mean, it would be nice, you know, to stay in. touch with each other, you know. If we are separated on this mission, it may be prudent.

So, sure, I'll pick up also the notebooks of far speech and Argo. You may keep the other one. Okay, so that means, Clint, you have spent your 200. Griffin, you're up to 150. Now, Justin, you've only spent 50. Is there anything else you would like? I would like this novelty Gary. Oh, yeah.

That's great. The portable Gary. Suvenier. Well, it's, I mean, it's not just a souvenir. That's enchanted by the wizard Wilkie. It's a magnet. No, it, no, it has three charges and you can. Shockless.

No, you use an action and you can spend one of those three charges to ask it a question. And it works just like, you know, a regular Gary, except it's portable. It'll answer you as truthfully as Gary can. All Gary's are portable if you believe. Okay. And then if it spends eight hours in the same room with another Gary, it'll charge you all back up. So it's just, you know, it's useful. That's a good get right there.

I will, I will take the tiny Gary. Excellent. Do we have to give it another name? I mean, because if they're in the same room and... They are all Gary. Yeah, I know. Both names? They are all Gary.

I want to... You said we could also buy things from the, like, players handbook. Correct, from just regular supplies. I am going to... I think after the bear fight and raging out and, you know, cutting it up, with a sword, I realized that I just shouldn't have a sword on me, as long as I have this rage inside. So I left that behind.

I want to find a mall in this. Which shop would a mall be in? Oh, that would be over in the barn. No, no, the shop would be in the mall. Yeah, you're confused. Oh, that's a good joke. Hey, good work, everybody. It would be over with the clothing weapons and accessories.

I want to find one. A mall is basically just a long-ass hammer. Or a long-ass-anything with a big heavy thing on the end. So you're worried about your outbursts of rage, so you're buying yourself a huge hammer? I don't want to cut, I don't want to cut and stab. That was very physical. He wants to smash and whack.

I want to smash him out. But I find a good mall, nice one, with the most sort of magical-looking, wait at the end of it and I bring it over and I say I will have this magical staff please Oh okay well that's it's a mall

It's not so much a staff Excuse me I know magic I glow a certain color when I'm close to it Do you? Yes Okay So that is that's a 10 gold mall But for 50 gold I can make it a place

I lost one more. Throw a little enchantment on there. Oh, that'll help me with my fireballs and my, uh, no, this is for hitting. For my zap, my dragon zap. This has nothing, it will not help you with your magic. 50 gold it is. Okay. So you're worried, you're worried about your outbursts of rage.

So you bought yourself a hammer and then decided to upgrade to the more damaging hammer? Is that where we're at? It's not, it will only be a hammer when it needs to be a hammer. Well, what all, when everything around you is nails, everything you have is a hammer. Specifically the hammer that I have. Anything else, fellas. I will have the glue. Oh, you want some glue too?

Okay, you're going to have to head over and talk to my brother about that. Did someone already buy the glue? Well, there's, it's, there's multiple glues. It's a supply shop. Why would they just have one glue? I don't know. No, they have multiple glue. Fucking sell me a glue then.

Okay, yeah. Here, that's a glue for 25 gold. Thank you. Just want to point out my incredibly powerful magic staff is worth two glue. Just saying this shop has some wild ways of valuing things. Listen, it's all about supplying demand, you know? Okay, anything else for you, fellas? God, no, please.

Okay. Hi, everybody, it's me. Your best friend, dungeon master, and all-around cool dude, Travis McRoy. I hope you all are enjoying episode four of the Adventure Zone graduation. Also, I had a bunch of names in this episode. Cale, the placement teacher was named for Cale Hinthorn. At It's Me, Cale. Jared Reginald was named for Jared Coney.

at Jared Strange on Twitter. Candice is named for Candice Ford at Candy Cat. And Jade Johnson, who you will meet shortly, is named for Jade Johnson at, I believe, Pabby Skelly. And thank you to everybody who sent in items for Barnes and Nobles. We got literally thousands. So thank you so much. One last announcement.

The next app will be another live one for Candle Nights. We'll be back in the new year with episode five. And as you finish up your shopping trip, Rainier and Buckminster pop back in. And Buckminster says, yes, if you're all done shopping, I think we might have a lead here. Hotel that the owner of the mine is over at the tavern here. I feel like we should be following the hero and villain lead on this one, but I... That's a good impulse. I'd follow that. Yes, I'd stay with that since we are technically, you know, your boss?

Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So the six of you head on over to the local tavern, Springs Eternal. That's very good. Thank you. Now, Springs Eternal is the local tavern and it's run by, you all know this, everyone knows this, by Barb the bartender. Now, as you head in, you notice that on a perch above the bar is a spectral hawk, looking exactly like it's made of the same stuff as Snippers. Snippers, go see what that hawk's all about. And report back to me promptly. No sauce, no boo, Snippers, you're on the clock. Okay, Snippers, walks over the bar, looks up, and walks back and says,

Ah, just as I suspected. I still can't understand the thing this thing says. I love you too. I will speak with it. Greetings. So who, okay. What is, who else is with them? It's Barb's familiar.

Barb. This is a very nice hook. Oh, well, thank you very much. we are here on business yeah you're from the school i'm not surprised and she still hasn't turned around at this point she's still cleaning up in the back bar area well why am i the one who is taking the lead on this i know but i love it christ someone else please who has proficiency in disgusting things with people this is actually a fair question Travis what is the what is the dynamic vis-a-vis agency

between the heroes, villains, sidekicks, henchmen. Like, would they not take the lead in a situation like this? The general rule is that when it's in the beginning stages of a scouting trip or information gathering or anything

like that, the psychics and hench people go first so that if there is any issue, if there's any trouble with the locals, then the heroes and villains can step in and chastise their sidekicks and hinge people and look like the good ones. Okay.

So it's plausible deniability at this point. So a lot of the information, a lot of the footwork is done by the workers. Okay. kombucha, please. Straight up. We don't got that. You don't booch? No.

Hmm. I suppose some sparkling Yerba Mata is also out of the question. No, we got that. Oh, okay. One sparkling. Yourbermate, please. And she turns around. Straight up.

And kind of cocks her head at the side and peers at you through dark glasses and says, yeah, what other way is there to drink a sparkling Yerba Mante? Come on. And slides it down the bar to you. I didn't actually know what Yerba Mate was. When I ordered this, I just thought it sounded elegant. And I don't know if you can tell me. Okay.

Pretty earthy. And, you know, it ain't cheap. That's five gold. Oh. I'll have it for free, and I gesture to my cloak. I'm an influencer. Okay, make, make... I don't know.

A performance check? Influencer check? An influencer check? Would you not say I'm trying to persuade? Yeah, persuasion check. That sounds great. That's a 13 plus 5, an 18. You should not have given me this fucking.

and cloak. I realize that now. Well, I didn't realize. I thought you was just one of them students from up at that creepy-ass school. Sure. It's a slice of life blog that I do as a student. What's it called? It's called Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, Night and Absincia of the Realm of Goodcastle's excellent adventure.

You could probably come up with a more succinct way of doing that. Well, it leaves like seven words for the blog. Well, I'm the influencer, so I'll decide the title. Dad, making a fucking wild assumption about how the internet works, he bets. Say, we are here to investigate a certain flare-up, a real hullabaloo down at the mine. Yeah, yeah, I was expecting they'd send some of you students down, and I don't know, you'd do your weird stuff and fix it or whatever. This is a good Sounds like you're not a big fan

Of our institution No, that school creeps me The hell out Are you kidding me? Why? Why is it creep me out? Well, it's a big old castle

Set between a terrifying forest And a deadly chasm They teach people how to be villains There's haunted skeletons there And just in general I don't trust them They're teaching people How to do magic and stuff for money

It's weird and I don't like it. It sounds like the kind of people that would need a strong drink on a pretty regular basis. I would say that's a pretty nice customer base for you. All right. That doesn't mean I have to like what they do at the school. I appreciate the business, but I get business from the town. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, the coin spins.

That doesn't mean I trust anybody from that school. It's, listen, I've been out there. They've shown people from the town around. I've seen it. I get it and I understand how the economy. economy works and I know it's necessary, doesn't mean I ain't skeezed out by that school. If you understand how the economy works, could you explain to me in short, sum up? Yeah, you give me money for drinks and then I give you drinks. What do you happen?

I will say, Dr. Mushrooms, that there are exceptions to that rule, apparently. Like, are you love? No, not you, Siri. Were you asking for Gary? No, not Siri. Not Gary either. No. Okay, does this person, is this person representing one of the factions that we need to like,

Nope. Smooth things over with? Are they just a bartender? Just a bartender. Do we know who's leading the factions? No. You know that they're here somewhere. In the bar?

Yes. Both of them. Well, you've only gotten lead on one of them, but you assume one of them on there where the other one is. The boss of the mining company is here. Correct. There is the boss of the mine. Oh, yeah, you're looking for, you're looking for Jared.

And you see the hawk look left and right and then lock on to a person sitting at a table. And she says, yeah, he's sitting over there at the back. Yeah, the table, you're looking for the one right next to the fireplace there. Thank you. You're welcome. I pick up snippers and start petting his kite and say, I see you went with a hawk, did you? Interesting.

Yeah, then eyesight helps. Oh, yes, I'm sure. Too bad about the chitin, though. Well, he doesn't get into a lot of fights. Mostly just sits there on the bar and, you know, looks out for me. Oh, it's a good thing he doesn't get into fights without his powerful claws. Okay, he does have talents, so let's slow your role there. take it down about 15%.

This is close. We almost had narrative momentum. Oh, bullet dodged. We almost were going to move things forward. Let's all of us go talk to the boss of the mining company. As you walk over to the boss, you see that there is also someone sitting at the table behind him. They're sitting more or less back to back. This person is dressed.

As you might expect someone who works in a mine to be dressed. And the two of them clearly are pointedly ignoring each other. Which of you's Jared? Yes, I am Jared. How can I help you? Which one's speaking? Oh, the one's speaking is Jared. Hi, Jared. Yes, I'm the one in the fancy dress clothes. Yes, Jared. Are you sure this isn't a Padmei situation and that one's really, Jared?

Yes, why do people always ask me if this is a Padmei situation? Yes, I am Jared Reginald, owner of Reginald Or. Or what? what? See, I always wait for everyone to make that joke. It's just ORE. Reginald-Or. We're a mining company. We own the magical mine, or as well as several other mining properties around the area. Uh, cool. So, hey, uh, we're here from the school? Yes, I assumed so. So all your, all your, all your, all your problems are solved. Arsol, we're here. Excellent. Maybe you can talk some sense into Canada.

Now don't go saying that, says the person sitting behind him. I'm the one who's speaking sense and you're the one who ain't listening. Ken. Ahoy, madam. My name is Argo Keen. May I join you at your table? I mean, I guess. Thank you so much.

May I get you a libation or they have a whole thing of limes up there. Would you like a lime? What is wrong with you? You know what? I'm going to cancel the, I guess, for you sitting here. That's going to be a no now. Ah, what about cocktail peanuts? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

No one says no to cocktail peanuts. Am I right? Okay, you can go. Well, I'm not hitting on you. I'm just striking a conversation. Okay, because it was really reading like you were hitting on me. No, no, no, I know. I'm with them. I'm with the nice looking fella in the cloak. Okay. Yes. It's a nice cloak.

So, uh, what's the, what's the issue between the two of you? Oh, you, I, I, I just assumed you would know, says Jared Reginald. I mean, is it a, you know, labor exploitation thing? Or are you, are you one of those one-percenter types who... Oh, no, this is, this is an insurance liability issue. Explain what that means for someone who might have... have negative one intelligence. Okay.

Well, um, the workers, now if you're going to tell the story, you've got to start at the beginning. Okay, Candice, the mine was not producing as it once did. Oh, it is the problem with mining crystals or any kind of ore that once you reach the end of the vein, that's it. and Candice says, and so he told us to keep digging, dig further than we'd ever dug before. Whether I told you to dig further or said dig more,

that's okay. So then the miners dug too deep and seemed to have unleashed something. And now we are unable to mine anymore. and we need to file an insurance claim. And if it is my fault, then I get paid nothing, and the mine workers get compensation. And Candace says, and if it's my fault, our fault,

then the workers receive no compensation, and the insurance claim is paid out to Jared. I see. And what about, you know, defeating whatever being you seem to have unleashed down there? And just going back to work. And Candace says, well, that would be lovely, but it's a big old sucker and nasty too. Lots of teeth, pretty big, more arms than you'd expect. And it seems to eat rocks and crystals and stuff. I don't think it's an easy one. And he wasn't alone. there was a whole mess of little lava suckers with him too.

It's nothing I'm really capable of handling. Whose fault is it? And they say simultaneously, their fault. This is confusing. Argo, please try. What if? What if we could find somebody else to be at fault? This is good.

What if there is someone else to blame? Someone who took all the responsibility for that monster. Now, excuse me, but who exactly would you mean here? I'm, you mean who am I saying we would accuse of being wrong? Yes. The monster. Seems to me like that's who's at fault here. I mean, listen, insurance companies, they're good people.

They're in it to help. They're in it to make sure that when something bad happens to you, just like a good neighbor, they're there. So I think you can count on your insurance company of being completely understanding of there being a monster down in the mine. I am so deeply into this, Argo. We will deliver the subpoena to the monster firsthand, just so the insurance company will blame them. This is foolproof. And Reginald says, well, of course, yes, that he's. is an option, but you will need to hand it directly to the monster and get proof that the monster

received it. I, we can do that. Right? I mean, my ferville friend here, Mr. Professor, what was it? Dr. Mushrooms. Dr. Burm, yes, has a wonderful affinity with living creatures and a pair of glasses that takes pictures. Hey, there you go. Right? Right? Yes. Yes. So, this is, uh, in my wheelhouse. Yeah. Let's go on down there and talk some sense into this monster and say, hey, look,

you know what you did and, you know. But now, hold on. I'm sorry, I need to clarify. Is our plan to go to the monster and serve them a subpoena? Is that, is that, Is that what is happening? It's legally binding. When you serve a subpoena, that's legally binding. You have to say you have to confirm they are who they are, and then you say you got served and give them the subpoena, and then we can run away as fast as we possibly can. Mission accomplished.

Okay. When you say it like that with that much authority and speed, it all seems to add up. I mean, that's how real world law works. I'm just saying what I know from real world law school that I went to. So, listen, guys, I love this. So I guess you need to stop by a local lawyer and get a subpoena drawn up for a monster. I mean, how legally prescient is a monster going to be anyway?

Couldn't we just, like, write up anything? Fucking roll him. And Reginald looks horrified. But then it wouldn't be legal Then we'd have issues With our insurance No, it must be all above board Yes, we will serve the monster

What kind of monster is it? Teeth, we just know teeth Teeth eats rocks and crystals Extra arms is all we told you And has babies Can I roll in nature check to see if I know what that is? You can, are you best suited to do the nature check?

Fucking no. I have a negative one. Okay. Well, Justin asked the question, so why wouldn't he do this? Yeah, I have a plus zero on nature, though. Is anybody better at nature? It seems weird, right? I know.

It seems weird, but... Actually, Argo has plus two on nature. Perfect. I think Argo is the only one with any intelligence. That's true. All right, here we go. That is a... 13 plus 2.15.

So Argo, here's the thing. Based on that description and the fact that you have an elemental background, you probably have been, had some extra study in the world of elementals, you know that the monster they're describing sounds a lot like a zorn. X-O-R-N. The zorn are elemental creatures who travel through the earth, and they swim through the earth, like a fish swims through water. They eat rocks and crystals, and they will become more and more violent, the hungrier and

hungrier they get. You've chosen an extremely Georgia O'Keefe monster for us to fight against Travis. I hope you know this. Just look at it. Just look at it picks his horns. I didn't think about that until you said it, but yeah. Okay. Okay.

So does Argo need to reiterate that or can we just say that? Yeah, you shared the information. Great job, everybody. Good information sharing all around. Now, I will also say, because of your role and once again, elemental, the small lava suckers that Candace described earlier, you're willing to bet are probably a band of magmen. M-A-G-M-I-N. clear something up. Is the mine owner the one offering us this, who offered the job?

No, so the governor of the district commissioned the job, because right now there's no, there's no money is being produced from the mine. And Reginald Orr owns several mining properties. And while this is at a standstill, there's no. mining profits being generated. So the governor wants this resolved, but once it resolved in such a way that there is no more mine stoppage, even if this mine is no longer usable, that the other mines will go back into production. And all we have to do is resolve the situation for the school to get the reward.

Correct. Right. I look at Rainier and kind of wink. And I say, now, of course, we will be risking our lives and sitting through a meeting with a lawyer that will almost certainly be pretty bad radio. So I expect some sort of compensation for, you know, the two of you for finding a nice, nice solution to your quandary. Maybe 25% of the insurance payout, I think, would be fair. 25 seems a bit high.

We're talking about an insurance payout of about 10,000 gold. So 25% of that, that's 2,500 gold. That's quite high. I might be willing to do 10% of thousand gold. Well, we have an accountant on our team. What do you think, for Bulg? Is that...

He has a name, Argo? Oh, that's right. What do you think, bud? Is that a good choice? His name is Dr. Mushrooms. I heard you say it, but two minutes ago. Ah, I need old paper. Pen.

Here, I have a note. Here, here's a notebook. Here. Table. Don't write on the last page. That's the only thing. Okay, well, while you figure this out, I'm going to go to the restroom. It's good.

It's very good. Okay, I'm back from the restroom. What did you decide? It's good. Oh, good. So go stop by the local barrister and have a subpoena for insurance liability for a monster. are drawn up, pretty standard stuff, and you should be on your way to the mine.

This is going, I have it written right here in my notes. Next step, they meet with lawyer to draft a subpoena of liability to deliver to the monsters, right there. Can I play the lawyer in this scene? I may be a small town lawyer, but even I know you can't sue us on. Oh, do you want one of these

the standard Zorn insurance liability forms. Bill out X1. Now let me ask you this. Do you need a blue 38 form or a blue 39 form? Is the Zorn male or female? I like how we found Matlock in our fantasy world. Are we going to do a barrister scene? Hell yeah, we're going to do a barrister scene.

Shit. Okay. So you find yourself in the office of the local lawyer. You've all just sat down. And she introduces herself. Hello, I am Jade Johnson, Esquire. How? May I help you today?

We'll have the usual. How do you? Do you have like a menu board, anything, you know, that could help us yet? We've got this monster and we need him to stop terrifying. Oh, I'm not, sorry, I'm not an adventurer. I'm a lawyer. Yeah, so do you know what insurance liability means? Yes, of course. I'm a lawyer.

And do you have any of them subpoenas lying around? A subpoena for insurance liability? Yeah, you have any of them just lying around? I mean, I suppose I could draft one with proper language? Do that, yes, but can you leave this? name blank. Well, I don't know about that. I mean, we'd have to put something there for it to be a legal subpoena.

Is this for one of the town residents? We're working on the name. Could you put a big X? Just, you know, kind of to... Well, no, that's not really how subpoenas work. It has to be to someone in order for them to be served. He's for Zorn. And what's the first name?

Zorn. for Zorn Zorn Just one Zorn will probably be fine And what is this Zorn's place of residence Down Lower is this

address is low Down low Deep Download deep Okay You know download deep It's a great place Okay

And she's like filling out She's writing all this down And what is this in reference to Zorn create mayhem Oh

is Yes Zorn make mayhem is very dangerous and much a lot damage damage

and and he Insurance, this part I do not understand, insurance for damage. Okay. That's certainly more than enough information, yes? Yes, I mean...

Certainly. Yes. Let me just notarize this here. Okay, that will be 10 gold for services rendered. Excuse me. I'm an influencer. That doesn't mean anything. to me. I'm a lawyer. I twirl. I twirl in my beautiful marigold cloak.

Okay. He's telling the truth. He influenced me. I see the ponytail? I'm the only lawyer for about a hundred miles. I'm not worried about business. That was my one plan. Does anybody still have 10 gold left? No, but you know what? Here's what I'll do. I tell you what, because you've been so kind and so nice. Here is 10 gold. I will have the fur bowl. I will let the fur bowl give you ten gold. Excellent. Thank you, Argo.

Okay. Well, here you go. Good luck with whatever this is. It's time for my next appointment, so bye. Okay. I'm very busy. Like I said, I'm the only lawyer from my... You're lucky you got in today. I just happened to have a cancellation at the last minute.

Can I have some of these mints? Are these mints for anybody? You can have one. Could I just... One, one? Okay, thank you. You took two. I saw that.

I'm a rogue. Okay. I'm leaving you a very discouraging review on Yelp. Fantasy Yelp. F Yelp. Okay. This lawyer is bad and made me feel bad while there. They helped me sue a monster, which was pretty radical.

But anyway, she yelled at my friend about some mints, So if that's who you're looking for in your representation, go ahead. No stars. I'm sorry, I mean, you do have to do at least one star. One star, the least number of stars. Additional details. I tried to leave zero stars and Philip wouldn't let me. The four of you, the three of you and Leon, who has remained very silent because he's so shy.

You know, he's so shy and quiet. He likes to be seen and not heard. That's his role. he accompanies the three of you. You catch a cart down to the mine where you meet Rainier and Buckminster, who have kind of been scouting the area. And Raynear says,

So, how to go? Do you guys have everything figured out? What's, you know, what's the score? Problem solved. Is it a very good plan. We're sewing the tooth monster. Yes, technically you are. You're the heroes and villains.

Yes. And Buckminster says, wait. Hold on. Just run that. I mean, just one more again. We're delivering a subpoena of insurance liability, which is this apparently enchanted piece of paper, to make the tooth monster be guilty for the mine crimes.

We've already done the hard part we met with the lawyer. So you're welcome. This is very difficult. I see. Um, well, huh, you know, if you had asked me this morning what I thought the plan would be, this is not where I thought it would go, but, uh, I mean, it does fulfill all the criteria. Uh, Rania, what do you? Well, and Rania says, well, it seems to me like, yeah, it fits your thing. Uh, Fitzroyne. Fearbul, what about us?

Oh, we're getting a thousand gold pieces out of the deal. Oh, sick. Fits, fits, fits. Wait, what was our part of the deal? Well, we have to turn it into our own personal gain. Ah, okay. I figured that that would be sufficient for, I don't know, villainous deeds. Yes, I would say in general getting paid to do good.

You know, I guess that could qualify. Oh, we don't have to kill the monster. you know? Well, just give him a piece of paper. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I'm on board. I think this works great.

And here, I have here, for each one of you, both hero and villain, and magic mint. Take this mint, and then when you take the paper down into the mine, no harm shall befall ye. Now, Argo, are you... And I'm sorry I have to ask this, but are you lying? I'm just trying to break the mood a little bit. That's what we rogues do. Okay, because if we believe that, that could be very dangerous. You see that, right?

Just pulling your legs. Pull in your, pull your, it's something we do at the sea all the time. And you hear a gigantic roar from deep within the cave. It bone shattering. It rattles your teeth and your skull. And you see glowing red on. in the entry and it steps out of the shadows and it's about two and a half feet tall

it looks to be made of flowing magma and it kind of goes at you excuse me we're talking sorry go on Argo I don't think that's the Zorn I think that's the little magmin

it's freaking rude whatever it is well it is rude I mean I have to admit it has no no sense of etiquette, but still, I... And you can tell that it can hear you, and it's offended. Oh, sorry. Dr. Mushrooms, can you speak to lava monsters? I will handle. They are rude.

We were talking of insurance. It's very complicated. And it looks even more offended, and you hear it go, Ah! And you see about a dozen more sets of red eyes open. and a dozen magmen step out behind you, and you roll for initiative. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

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