The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 5 “What’s Yours is Mined”

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

The dorm-mates are dispatched on their first mission, squaring off against magma monsters, interplanar behemoths and a child’s word puzzle. You’ll never guess which one of those gives them the hardest time! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on The Adventure Zone. The six of you are headed out on a real-world assignment with Buckminster and Rainier, just south of Last Hope. There is a crystal mine. Currently, the mine is at a standstill. Let's all of us go talk to the boss of the mining company. Yes, I'm Jared Reginald, owner of Reginald Orr. This is an insurance liability issue.

There is also someone sitting at the table behind him. This person is dressed, as you might expect someone who works in a mine to be dressed. And Candace says, And so he told us to dig further than we'd ever dug before. What if there are someone who took all the responsibility? Who exactly would you mean here? The monster. The glasses that take a picture.

I will have this. We will deliver the subpoena to the monster. And you see about a dozen magmen step out behind it. Everett, turn your headphones down as much as you can and try and like chew and sniff. and drink away from the microphone. Says Mr. Muckbank for the past few minutes. Well, I'm done now.

See, I did it before the recording. I enjoyed my cherries, berries, and nuts before the recording. And now we can begin all of the D&D magic. So, as you might remember, you were sent by the school to try to solve a conundrum happening outside of Last Hope,

the town right by the school, that basically, the circumstances of which where there is a magical ore mine outside of town that has been beset by a monster called a Zorn X-O-R-X-O-R-N

and it has led to an insurance liability issue where the workers say that it is the fault of the owner of the mine and the owner of the mine says that it is a fault of the workers and until that issue is settled, no one's getting paid. And so you all went and talked to them, and they said that it was each other's fault.

So you decided to sue the monster. You went... That was dead-ass one month ago. Can we change it? Nope. You and your fellow adventurers, question mark, went to a lawyer, got a subpoena for a monster, and you have taken it to the mine.

You've met back up now with the hero Buckminster and the villain Rainier. And as you kind of discussed the situation outside of the mine, you were attacked by 12 little magmen. And now we're mid-battles. Let's roll for initiative. We've been standing there for one month, like swords drawn, like y'all just chill.

Oh, when this fight comes. Oh. We're celebrating the birth for our Lord and Savior, but as soon as that's... When we're done, oh, once we're done celebrating the birth of Santa, watch out.

I got a big Ateruski. I got a tenor. I'm looking at six plus one, seven. Okay. Oh, wait. I have to add six to my initiative. I'm sorry.

Holy Jesus, God. 16. 16. Oh, boy. Okay. Is that like a skill? Is that like a rogue skill that you get like a hot-ass initiative?

You're asking me. Yeah, sorry. I'm just looking at the sheet Travis made for me. The sheet don't lie. Sheet don't lie. At the top of the order is Leon. And Leon is going to take a swing. Get this, one of the magmen.

So he has a big old beefy battle axe. Takes a swing with that, bad boy. Oh, but it's a swing. And I miss. Leon misses, but just barely. So up next is... Keep your elbows in. Oh, yeah.

Okay, thank you so much. Keep them in tight. I'll remember that next time. Okay, cool. And next is Argo. What are you doing, Argo? Okay, I'm going to attack with Florence. Okay.

My new sword. Uh-huh. And that's... It's pronounced S word. And the S word, I rolled a 13 plus 6. which is my my hit thing and another three for Florence so 22 now I will say I will give you the option because I am a kind of benevolent DM that you do not have to expend that three if you don't want to right because 13 plus six a 19 is a solid swing so because you only get to use that

plus three twice oh that's right a day so if you want to save that you can thank you good and benevolent DM. I will hold off on my plus three with Florence. Okay, well, you miss. So instead... I'm just kidding. Yeah, it is. So maybe instead of using Florence, so I can use Florence without using the plus three, or do I, should I use my other rapier? No, you can just use the Florence and it's fine. Okay, I use Florence, so it's 19 total. Okay, and you connect, you make that hit, uh, so now roll damage. That's one D8 plus four. Correct. It's a four, plus for. So that's eight.

It is still standing, but barely. Oh, my God. But barely, but barely. I thought these were going to be like stormtroopers. There's 12 of them. Griffin. They are. Okay. Now up next is Raynear. Rainier is going to use Shocking Grasp and is going to

Shocking Grasp, one of the Magmen. that is an 18, which hits, and then that's 2D8, 8, and 15. It gets shocked real good and falls down. Now the lava has stopped flowing and it's just kind of an onyx husk, smoking husk. Up next is Fitzroy. I tuck my elbows in, looking at Leon. I start, you know, in my mind, visualizing the jock jams that I need to do my thing. And how do those go?

I'm doing it while my elbows are just very slowly pinching inward. I'm going to just instinctively leap into the fray, and when I do so, I'm pretty excited, and some rage is going to come out of me. Excellent. And what's exciting about that is now, when rage comes out of me, silly stuff happens. Like what? Well, I'm going to tell you, my mouse is raging against me. Okay.

The machine rages against you. How ironic. Whenever I enter my rage, I roll on the wild surge table to determine the magical effect produced, in addition to the usual rage stuff of extra strength and all that jazz. So I'm going to roll a 1D8 on this table that has eight different magical effects, and we'll see what it says. It says, you teleport up to 20 feet to an unoccupied space you can see until your rage ends. You can activate this effect again on each of your turns as a bonus action.

Oh, hell yeah. We got ourselves a teleporting barbarian. I think I, but yeah, but I just like jumped into the fray and clicked on rage. I think, Travis, I just teleported Twitter. feet out of combat and I look behind me like, oh man, can I still do you tomorrow people the way? Can I still do something? I, I embarrassed.

I throw a hand axe at one of the slugs. It's not a slug, it's a mag man. I figure they're like slug. They're like little lava-y devils. Okay, well, I look at the one that is looking injured from, from Argos attack and throw. That is an 11 plus 5, 16. That hits.

And that is 1D6 plus 3. 5 plus 3. 8. Yeah. Oh, wait, is this a strength weapon? It is. So it is actually plus 5. It doesn't matter because he's super dead either way.

Cool. The hand axe catches him right in the center of his forehead. his lava, it stops afloan. The prestige. The prestige. We got two down and ten to go. So up next is the Fearbug, Dr. Mushrooms. How do you feel about that monocoder?

You're saying Dr. Mushrooms makes it feel more canonical than I'm really comfortable with. Okay. We can just go with Doc? Doc Mushrooms. It's not up to me. I don't actually care. It's up to you guys. I wanna try to stay true to my conceit.

What's the orientation of these cats right now? I mean, at this point, they're just kind of fanned out kind of as they walked out of the opening of the cave. They kind of spread out into a semi-circle. And now we've kind of taken two out, but they're still pretty much kind of curved line. Okay. I am going to get as many of them as I can in a moonbeam. Ooh.

That sounds like some care bear shit, and I'm here for it. What's that? So we're going to see a five-foot radius, 40-foot-high cylinder centered on a point. I'm just kind of like, however, you know, the best placement I could get in terms of getting as many, you know, as I can. I think at a five-foot radius, I think it was, what, a 10-foot circumference, you're probably going to catch, I would say, five of them. So let's say the left five. Okay. Let's say that, how's that grab you?

Sure. That was the meanest five, too. Yeah, they looked really surly. People got backwards baseball hats on. Oh, yeah. And they're popping their bubble gum in a really threatening manner. Oh, no. One of them just spit.

Oh, no. No. Is that a cigarette? So they're engulfed in ghostly flames that cause searing pain, and they're going to make a Constitution saving throw. Oh, boy. Okay. What's the saving throw number?

14. It's 14. Okay. Only one saves. What happens to them? To the one that saved? Well, sure. What happens to the one that saved and the four that didn't?

So they're going to take two D-10 radiant damage. I'm just grabbing out. What's a D-10 look like? That's the pyramid, right? Absolutely. Yeah. Kind of like as two pyramids with five sides glued together. Two pyramids with their butts touching.

So that is 10 and a 7. So 17, the other one takes, I don't know, eight. Okay. Well, a palpable hit. Um, that, so the magmen have a special ability called Deathburst. burst. When the magman dies, it explodes in a burst of fire in magma. Each creature within 10 feet of it must make a dexterity saving throw. So I'm going to say a big group like this. I need all of you to make a dexterity saving throw. I'm not teleported 20 feet away. Oh yeah, you're solid. You're out. You're right. Okay. Dexterity saving throw. So that is a seven. Lus. Oh, one. Eight.

So that is a 15 plus six for dexterity, don't I? Okay, so it's 21. Okay. So Fearbul, you take seven damage. And the other four, not including Fitzroy, that's saved, take half of that. So they're all going to take three damage. But with that, we're down to six left. and they scatter because they are bored of listening

to a combat encounter. No, they're scared. Oh, my sake. They're troublemakers and you guys, like, rolled up and like wrecked shop and they're like, oh, I thought this would be fun, but it wasn't fun. They don't have the, they don't have the bad boy lava monsters to serve as the obvious targets anymore.

The bad boy lava monsters were the ones peer pressuring, like what I'll say, chaotic, neutral lava monsters into some shenanigans. But now that most of the bad boys are gone, smoking husks on the ground, they all run away. Make new lives for yourselves. Learn from your mistakes. They say as they run away. So now the entrance to the cave is wide open.

Shall we head in? Yes. I will, why don't you let me skulk? Let me skulk first Wait, well I'm gonna... Skulk. I'm gonna...

No, I know the word. I'm gonna sneak in and check out the sitch. Right? Didn't that something a rogue would do? Yes, they can the ground. Yeah, so I'm gonna I'm gonna skulk

very secretively and stealthfully, I might add. I'm gonna real, real stealthy. Okay. I have a plus eight in stealth. Oh, that's very stealthy. That's a pretty big number.

So let me go scout it out just a little bit. Stop talking and do it. Okay, I just want to put on the table I could teleport because apparently that's the thing I can do now, but I might end up in the rock, and I think I would be sort of destroyed at the atomic level. Now, when does your rage end, did it? Well, it lasts a minute, so it's, oh, there it goes.

Oh, man. Okay. Go ahead and... All right, I'm scum. skulking. So I kind of crouched down almost comically, but it still looks really cool. Uh-huh. And I slowly, do I have to roll anything to stoke? Oh, yeah. Give me a stealth check, for sure.

Stealth check. That's a 12. Oh, that's good. Plus eight. Dirty 20. Another dirty 20. Okay, and you skulk into the main first room there? I skulking. I kind of hug the edge of the opening in the cave.

Nice. You know, if there were music playing, it would be going, Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, some real ocean's 11 shit. Yeah, totally. The room is empty. Oh.

Okay, y'all! It's cool! You've entered the magical mine. The walls are lined with mining equipment all securely changed together and bound to the wall. The floor is covered with chaotic footprints, and it's clear that the worker is left in a hurry, but not at the risk of losing any expensive equipment.

You see before you, three seemingly identical paths with no clear indication which is the correct one to follow. Both the room you are in and the pathways are lit by magical ever-burning lanterns. Can I steal one of those? No. No, they're firmly attached to the wall. I know, but it's a magical ever-burning lantern, Travis, this sounds hot as hell. Well, it's going to be really hot girlfriends in ever-burning lantern.

Well, I mean, there's three of us. Well, sorry, no, there's like six of us. How many of us is there? There's six of you. Okay. Well, what do you think? And Buckminster says, Okay, so what we learned is that, uh, let's see, the miners dug too deep, right?

So we just had to figure out which is the, you know, one, the new one, the deep one, and follow that one, right? Hmm. How many different holes are there? Three. I'm gonna ease on up to them and then like look, look down, see what I can see. Uh, roll me an investigation check. Okay. Oh, nice, 18.

Nice. Plus nothing, 18. Okay. Uh, with that investigation check, you were able to see that the far right passageway, uh, the, the kind of dig marks, the dirt, uh, the rock around it seems freshly dug, seems newer than the other ones. The other one seemed well worn. like they've been passed through many times,

where the edges of this one are still a little sharp, a little fresh. So this seems like the newest passage. We'll go this way. Oh. Okay. That seems as good one as any, sure. I mean, did you use druidic magic and sense the depth of... I'm halfway away.

Okay. I'm headed down. Okay. You follow this passage. down. You feel the air gets slightly colder as you go and you reach the first chamber. Now, laying all over this chamber, you find chunks of unprocessed magical stone. It ranges in different colors, in different glints. Some of them are shinier than others. Some of them are still half buried in rock. My arcane skills are like non-existent, but I would like to know what's going on here.

So I'd like to use one of my new features called lingering magic, which is basically detect magic, except my skin changes colors to show me. Well, it glows a different color depending on what I detect. Your skin does? It says you faintly glow a color corresponding to the school of magic you detect. You choose the colors. Okay.

I can only do it twice a day. Go for it. But it's a free casser. That is, wait, what do I? I think you just do it. Yeah, I don't think I have to roll anything. For the duration, you sense the presence of magic within 30 feet of you. If you sense magic in this way, you can use your action to see a faint aura around any visible

creature or object in the area that bears magic, and you learn at school of magic, if any. It can penetrate most barriers, but it's blocked by one foot of stone, one inch of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So your aura, your skin starts going crazy. Whoa, whoa. Because you're basically like an electric light show because all of these different stones seem to correspond to different types of magic, the different colors, the different compositions of them all seem to be based off of some different school of magic. Now, they are all very weak. These seem like they weren't the top priority. These are maybe some chunks that fell off of carts as they

were moving to the front. None of these stones are very big. We're talking, you know, fairly small chunks of stone. But there is, you know, magic all over the place. in this room, but they're all like little, like, dots of magic. Okay, nothing, no, like, one thing that is hugely, like, dangerous and super- No, mostly just that this is, you know, a full of some kind of buzz of magic that this whole cave seems like it was dotted with these stones at one point.

You can see some more faint aura and outlines in the walls where maybe some bigger veins were removed. Okay. And Fitzroy and Argo roll a perception check for me. By the way, this is proof that the Furbulk was right, right? This is the right way to go. Sure. Nine.

Okay. Okay, I rolled another 15 perception. Yes. Plus one. So it's 60. Excellent. Out of the corner of your eye, it draws your attention and you notice that the Fearbolg is picking up a green stone with silver veins and placing it in his pocket.

Hey, what? What do you, what are you doing there, Furby? Now, Fearbol, roll a wisdom saving throw for me. We've come to the right place. 11 plus 6, 17. You remember that you need this stone, that it is very important that you return to the school with this stone, but you cannot remember why. Okay.

Am I picking it up compulsible? Compulsively? Yes. Thank you. You're picking it up against your will. This is an interesting, this is an interesting conundrum. Because now Justin knows this. Does the furbulb- Does Dr. Mushers?

Yes, the fear bulb knows now like, I need this stone. I am picking up the stone. I am aware that I'm picking up the stone, but does not know. Why? So did you actually call out to me, or was that Griffin talking to us? No, that was me. Yeah, he's. Argo asked you what you were, what's up, little buddy, big buddy.

I need this for. That was not a lie. That was me, like, I mean, I don't know why. It seems as good a guess as any. I figured that's the gap my brain might have filled in. I need it for school. I need it for a project or something. Excellent.

Gut-gut check, it feels like stealing, but I guess we are on villain team. So... Yeah. And I'm a rogue. So, hey, I admire your actions. I think it's good job. I would... If I would twirl my mustache.

Do you need us to pick up some other rocks for you? Oh, I thought you were about to offer me your mustache. I got very confused for a second, there, Argo. This is... Do I need more? Nope. Okay. This is your decision.

I pick up a rock too and put it in my pocket. Yeah. Bad guys stuff. And Rainier says, oh, okay, yeah, if this is what we're doing, I'll pick up, oh, I like this purple one. Hell yeah. And I'm going to let me be this orange one. Well, just take one.

Oh, okay, just the purple one. Two feels a, crazy. Unnecessary, yeah. Okay. One's a souvenir, two is a crime. You can, as Dad has pointed out accurately, you can take one of anything. This is true. And it's a souvenir.

That's true. Like when you have a souvenir of visiting Walmart, you know? Right. That's fine. Svineer. It's a souvenir candy bar, just to remember that good time you have. This is a souvenir 12 pack of Diamond Day. Yeah.

So what we're saying is crime is good. Well, only in small chunks. At Walmart. No big crime. No big crime. crime. Um, so other than that, in, in this room, all you see, uh, is, is an entryway on the other side. This is clearly, uh, a room that was for, you know, mining. Uh, and once they'd removed all the large veins and all the big chunks, they dug deeper. And, uh, to the fur bogs point, the,

this time, uh, you can see that there is a definite, uh, dramatic downward slope in the next passage. I'm going to take a look. I'm not that good at it, but I figured since I'm sort of at the front, I'm going to take a look down that way and see if I spy any danger. About half, well, give me, well, you can see, because it's clearly there. About halfway down this passageway, you can see that it has been sealed. There is a large locked door.

You can't quite make out the locking mechanism from here, but there is no danger that you can see in the 10 feet between you and the door. All right, well, I'm going to go ahead and push the door open. Well, as you head down to the door, Leon stops you Fitzroy and says, can I talk to you for just a second? We'll catch up, but I, no, you know what? Maybe now isn't the right time. No, what's on your mind?

Come on. Now I'm curious. That was weird, right? With the fear bowl gets weird, right? I figured he was just sort of getting method about his villainous sort of role that we're supposed to fulfill I'm struggling with it myself

I wish I had had the thought to just start picking things up and putting them in our pockets but why did you think it was strange? You're a knight right? Yeah You know what? Now it's not the time But when we're, you know, before we head back to school, can I talk to you later, later? Ah, I know what this is.

Okay. You're interested in squireship, yes, Leon. Um, no. Leon. And Buckminster says, Buckminster yells from by the door. Leon, where'd you go? Come, help me. We got to figure this one out, big guy.

And Leon says, I, I'm sorry, we'll, we'll talk later. Okay. Say no more, my trusty ward. So the door is sealed. It is locked, and the mechanism is this. It is a word code. It is two words, six letters in the first word, and four in the second. And at the end of the word is a lever that you pull to test that your code is correct and to open the door.

Give me those letters again, sorry. It is the first word is six letters. long and the second word is four letters long. And whoever sealed the door reset all the spaces to blank except in their haste. The third and fourth letters of the first word were left at T and T and the last of the second word was left at E. So to recap, you're looking at blank, blank, T, T, blank, blank, space, blank, blank, blank, blank e. Well, this one, who?

I'm not, if I'm being honest, I'm not so good at the word puzzles. Now, give me a Sudoku. Oh, boy, I'm not good at those either. But I'm, yes, so puzzle, who's good at puzzles? I'm looking at you, fancy lad? Oh, God, no. Oh, boy.

Oh, God, no. A puzzle of might, perhaps. Okay. If you need me to puzzle some firewood into smaller pieces of firewood, I can solve that one pretty well. Okay. I'll take a shot at it. Thank God. Okay, yes, please.

Okay, so, six letters and four letters. T, T, T, does that mean that's the only time T's and E's are used in the two words? An interesting thought. I don't know? I mean, I also just got here. Well, what is the mechanism to solve it? I mean, are we playing hangman? Well, it looks like we put the letters in,

and then we pull that lever. I will try. Oh, okay. Letter game. Huh. Oh, I see. Those are the, oh, you're saying, okay. It is letter game.

Okay. And letter game is what? This is a letter game. You input those letters. Letter game. Yep. You pull that there, lever. You hear a chunk and nothing happens.

This is impossible. This will never be so of my children's, children's, children, children, will not see the day that this infernal thing. It reveals its secrets to us. I am sorry, we must go no further. We will return to the school now. We have been defeated by the impossible challenge. Yes, that's the attitude.

Very well done, Viervalk. I think I know the second word. Okay. In wasting time, it's impossible. I say the second word is mine, M-I-N-E. Ah, this is interesting. But what would be the first word? Butter!

Butter! Mother mine, yes. All right, B, you, E, R, M, I, and I pull the lever. You pull the lever, you hear a chunk, and this time. Globs of delicious butter begin torched. Globs of delicious butter ooze from the walls. When it resents, the B stays, and then the second letter goes back to blank, the The fifth and six go back to blank, and the M goes away, and the rest remain.

So it's B-blank, T-T-B-B-B-B-Bank, blank, blank, blank. Correct. Well, what other one? I-N-E is right? I-N-E is right? Yeah. I-N-E. Hmm.

Well, this is a big step forward, Rainier says, because there's only, like, 26 letters, you know, that could go, well, and we've ruled out M and probably G at this point, so 24 letters. Jain? You don't think it's Jine? Well, because we put in game and that didn't do it, right? Oh, I thought you were saying it couldn't possibly be Jain. It couldn't possibly be Jine. What about battle line?

Ooh, that's not really a phrase. Oh, I didn't know we were playing Wheel of Fortune, a fantasy wheel. To be fair, we did put in butter mine, which is another phrase I've never heard. You've never been to the butter mine? It's an all-you-can-eat-a-a-a-a-oh-oh-you-all-you-you-all-you-all-you-all-up. Well, it's, you can have, you don't eat just butter, and in fact, if you want butter, you do have to go excavate it. But some of their bread is extremely dry. I've got it.

I've got it. I've got it. I, he seems as very excited. B-O-T-T-O-M-L-I-N-E. You flip the letter and the door swings open. Ah. Keeping with our whole accounting theme. Hey, oh my God, it's Griffin.

Oh, Travis finally let me out of the box that he's been keeping me in. He's been keeping me in a big box, and he wouldn't let me do the ads since he took over. you all he's doing such a good job i'm so proud of him but i don't know why he has to keep me in the bad box but thanks for listening Travis uh and teresa uh they've got two kids now teresa had a baby this week and she's doing great kiddo's doing great everybody's doing great we're very excited but uh we're we're gonna be sort of in weird paternity leave mode here for just a little bit uh i think the next episode that goes up will also be uh another regular episode of Taz graduation, but just, just, you know, programming note, everything's a little bit

up in the air as we celebrate the coming of the new child McElroy. Anyway, I'm going to do the ad this time. It's for Stitch Fix. I should, I have a lot of experience about, you know, for this one, for Stitch Fix, so let's see how it goes. If you want to know about Stitch Fix, you've come to the right place because Stitch Fix is the box of clothes. You are going to go to the Stitch Fix website, and they're going to provide you with an online personal styling service and you're going to answer some questions. How do you like to dress, casual, sophisticated, playful, sexy, maybe even? Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, it does matter because then Stitch Fix is going to like tailor like your style, your sizes, and send you a box that clothes right to your door. Shipping and exchanges and returns are always free.

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Stitchfix.com slash my brother. That's it for ads. I don't think there's a whole lot else to tell you, aside from the usual stuff. Go to the AdventureZone game.com. Check out the game we're making with Togetherstudy. videos. We're very, very excited about it and pre-orders for that, I think, are going to be ending kind of soon, so don't sleep on it. We had a chance to playtest it when we were all together

recently, and it's a lot of fun. We're all really happy with it. And speaking of things we're really happy of with, rather, the Adventure Zone graphic novel book 3, Pedals to the Metal, is coming out this summer. You can pre-order that at theadventurezonecom. And you're just, you're going to be real into that one, I bet. I think that might be it. We got some shows in Cincinnati. We're doing a TAS at the end of February. I am honestly not sure whether or not there are still tickets available for that. But if there are, you can find it at mackleroy.comily, as well as a bunch of new merch that we have for the new year, all at mackroy.comely. So go check it out. Thanks so much for listening. Again, in two weeks, we'll be back with another episode. It's probably going to be

a Taz graduation. But, you know, things are a little bit tricky right now. So bear with us. Bless this mess. And we'll talk to you soon. Bye. So we're back We're back from the break I just wanted to say I'm playing with a new set of dice this time I'm very excited to have them They were sent to me by a friend

Which is why I'm mentioning them Because they are beautiful storm forged dice From diehard dice These beautiful metal dice This is the Check this out This is the name of this design is Unearthed Leviathan

Holy shit trap Yeah, our badass is all hell. I'm playing with the dice that are Agent Joel sent us. I am as well. Those are also beautiful. They're very nice. They're a mirror of balance logo for the 20. They're gorgeous.

Hell yeah. So, Griffin, what about you? Tell us about your dice. I fished mine out of the game of life. Had just a couple, just got some Lucy's, that's what I call it. Okay. So when you enter this room, Griffin Rolls, Griffin rolls D6 three and a half times

every time he needs to do that. And then he spends the dial to see if he becomes a doctor or not. I'm using a pop-a-matic from a sorry game. Nice, nice, nice. I just have a person in my room who just yells out random numbers. So this room is trashed. Unlike the other rooms where it seemed like

the debris was kind of left over as it fell off of carts or out of packs or whatever. Here, carts are overturned. tools are destroyed and it's basically debris is everywhere. The lanterns lining the room have been destroyed and the only light is what is spilling in from the doorway you are currently standing in. You can hear growling and more destruction coming from the tunnel leading out of this cavern on the other side.

And that other side, that entry appears to be less mined out and more like it simply gave way. Hmm. Do any of us Well Does anybody have like Dark Vision or Night Vision or Supervision or anything?

I kind of I got dark vision, sure And here's a question I can't see shit Are you still glowing? Has it been 10 minutes? I don't think so, I would say it's been 7 Okay, well then yes, I'm still very much glowing

There you go I mean, is there magic shit around? So you are still picking up ambient magic in the air and in the walls. But unlike the previous rooms, all of the rock, all of the magical rock in this room is completely gone. There's not even chunks on the ground. You can see no points of light. It is completely and utterly cleaned out. So I'm not glowing then.

Oh, I guess I'm glowing just from the, I'm faintly barely glowing. Yes. Okay. Like a glow-in-the-dark t-shirt that's been in the dark too long. You know what I mean? Like it glue. At one point, it was glowing, it did glow. It glued?

It glued. You know. You know how it was gluing before. And now it's only faintly gluing. Okay. Yeah. I don't. Then there's no information for me to relay.

So is anybody going to use any magic to create light? I can create a faint whiff of smell. I can too. Oh, very good. Oh, no, I can create it. Well, I'll tell you, I can create an instantaneous harmless sensory effect, such as a shower of sparks, and is a cantrip. So I can just keep doing it. Okay.

I will light it. torch. Thank you. Ah, no, why? When you can have this. That's super exhausting, actually. Just do the torch. Oh, my God. I have lit the torch. Oh, yeah? I use press the digitation to snuff it out. Ha ha! Fsh!

Okay, light it back up. I'm sorry. That was rude. No, now you've alighted. Okay, I press the digitated back. This is correct. So, are you going to head through that passageway towards the growling and destruction? Uh, yeah, following the torch-bearing, uh, Shrek.

Wait, wait, wait. Ready the legal documentation. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, open up the little valise, the complimentary release they gave us. Uh, it's a magic release. And I open it, unfold it, yeah, yeah, there we go. There it is. That was great narration.

I would have been so lost had you not provided an auditory track for your action. Can we just... You're the idea, man. I'm starting to get the idea that there should be like a save point in this room right before the boss. So maybe we should come up with a plan of how we are going to issue a subpoena to a big mouth monster. I will hand it to him. Well, the mouth monster may not have hands. This is a conundrum.

Boy, let's go ahead in. Yes, let's assess the hand situation. Secret. Secret. Sneak in. I think I know what you're saying. You want me to sneak in. So I'm going to re-scolk.

So I'm going to re-skolk. and take a look at him and then as opposed to the last time maybe get some helpful information before we go into the room. Just look for some sort of grasping appendage where one might be a proboscis of some sort something that we can put a subpoena in.

Okay. I'm going to skulk into this next room. So make a self-check for me. Check. That's a 16. plus eight. I'm loving the roles this character gets. That is...

Very good. 24. Okay. So as you enter the room, you can see the Zorn, the multi-armed, multi-legged creature whose mouth is atop its head.

And it is furiously. So first of all, you enter the room and you realize that the cavern is massive. The majority of it is taken up by an underground lake. You see the Zorn frantically overturning carts and searching through rocks and it is simply repeating, hungry, hungry. We can understand this thing? Yes, it speaks common. It is also swiping its arms through the surrounding rock walls and as it does so, you see that its hands are passing straight through.

And then you see the Zorn sniff the air and turn, Turn and look directly at you. Ha! 24 stealth. Good luck! And it starts walking right towards you. Just say, hungry. Hungry.

I feel profite the berry. I'm going to escape. Can I escape and go back out and tell them what I saw? Yes. You should do that. Okay. Rewind real quick and you can hear everything. Arms.

Now it does follow you in. Oh. But when it sees the torch, it kind of rears back for a second. It wasn't quite ready for the light. But it continues to repeat, hungry, hungry. Team, Zorn, Zorn, hungry. He's hungry. He's got arms, he's got hands, obviously.

So I think we just give him the piece of paper and we're good as gold. Hungry. Oh, I've got something for you to chew on. And I reach in my bag and I throw it a ration. Hell yeah. No. Hungry. Gems.

You want slim jims? Does anybody have slim jims? Maybe what's to go to the gymnasium? He's hungry to work out and get ripped. Maybe. Please do not be dick. Do any of you want to like roll? something and see if you know anything about Zorns or you know, use D&D mechanics to try to

solve clarity wants. Yeah, I think the Zorm want Zorm want gyms. And I don't want Jim. He hungi. Who I have a negative one just for Dad and Justin, whenever this situation does kind of arise, I don't have brain abilities. Griffin, Fitzroy's brain is not perfect. It's not great.

He's got stinking. He's got stink brain. So like, I don't know. Here, let me roll a nature check. That's a four minus one. So that's a three. Okay. This is Zorn wants slum jims.

Oh, good. I rolled a 15 nature check plus zero. So you know of Zorn. You had some time to do a little bit of research since they were named back at the tavern there. The Zorn feed on gemstones and precious metals. Now, they're normally fairly, I don't want to say chill, but reasonable. They are not normally violent. But if they are hungry, they can become violent.

It will normally plead or bargain to get the treasure. But if it's starved, it may attack. Give the zorn your stones. Ah, yes. That would be a kind of Yeah, sort of heroic thing to do, though. Yes, but remember, if we succeed in this, we get a thousand gold. That is a lot of good money, yeah.

Okay, I'm going to give him my purple stone, and Rainier tosses it, and the Zorn grabs it out of the air, and just slam dunks it right into his gaping mall. Oh, still hungry, please. Oh, well, there's more where that came from. I was just wondering, can you answer one question and then this cool stone, I pull out my stone, is all yours? Yes. Stone first. Okay. I look at Dr. Mushrooms and point at my own glasses and kind of give a big, not a big wink, but a small wink.

Sure. And I will go ahead and, uh, on, on cue. pull out my camera glasses. There's a fancier name for them, but they're fragile circular glasses that when rolling a D20 plus intelligence, oops, should the roll be higher than 12 may capture an image of whatever the user is looking at

for later use and research? I kind of pose... Oh, wait, I don't have the subpoena. Who has the subpoena? I think Argos got it. Yeah, our goal to, well, hold on. No, there's no need. Everything's fine right now.

Okay. So can I have the stone? Yeah, we're trying to set up an incriminating tableau, and I feel like we've got it sort of, okay, yes, you can have the stone just answer one question. Are you the Zorn who has destroyed this mine and brought its operation to a screeching halt? Oh my God, is that what happened?

This is accurate. Argo, will you give Zorn the paper? Absolutely. Your glasses. There's glasses to help. To help? With this act. Sure, okay.

Take these glasses I have to help with this act. Okay, sure. Yeah, I'll put on your glasses. Holy camera glasses. Shit. Okay. Magic picture taking glasses. Oh, wow.

This is going to give me a migraine. I'm telling you right now. Okay. So I got the glasses on. Hey, this is just Travis, the DM's saying, they're not prescription. They're just like cool fake sunglasses. You might get at like a Walgreens to look cool. Maybe when you're 15 and that's what everyone's doing for the summer.

Isn't there some kind of magic involved? Sure, but not the magic of sight. Still. I wave this delicious smelling rock around. I say, can you just actually say out loud, I am the Zorn who destroyed this cave and brought its mining operation to a screeching cult? I feel terrible.

I don't want to be the Zorn who... What? Legally, you kind of got to say it. I have to say what? That you are the Zorn who destroyed this mine and brought the operation to a halt. I'm the Zorn who destroyed this mine and brought its operation to a halt?

If you say it in the interrogative, it's not going to hold up in court. In court? Oh, no. You're being actually very reasonable about this. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to destroy a mine and bring operations to a halt.

But you have been, right? But you did do that, yes? I mean, I guess it does seem like I have been doing that. Yes, it does seem. like I'm the Zorn who destroyed the mine and brought operations to a halt. You got served. Here you go, pal. What is this?

Read it and read it. It's just a receipt for your performance just now. It's kind of like a review. We thought you really did a good job. Can I have that rock now? I'm so hungry. Oh, yeah. Give him the rock.

They're on the rock. Oh. Do you know how I get home? Oh, God. Follow the tunnel you, ate through, I'm guessing? I don't... How did you get here?

I was... I was back in the elemental plane of Earth where there's plenty of stones, plenty of gyms. And then I was here. I don't know. You're from another plane? Yeah.

Why would I come to this place? It's got water and air and... I want to be back home. Oh, man. If only Clint, Hackleroy, the walker of the planes could be here to show you the way to go. Daddy, Bessling, janitor? No, thank you.

We all have heard stories about him. That guy's terrible. He's an absolute monster. Were you, I mean, have you ever left your plane before? Did you just, like, go through a door? I'm not really sure how plane or travel works. I mean, no. The only way through is through a rift or through a spell,

but I didn't think there were any nearby, and, you know, they're pretty established at this point. Where did you come out when you came through the rift? Well, when I landed, I was in the water. The water? Have you handed him the thing yet? Yes. Oh, I assume we've taken dope pictures, right?

No, he has to roll, is what I'm saying. He has to roll to take the picture. That's why I gave him the glasses because... Oh, sorry. Zorn, we... Oh, what? We need to do some business. Hold that paper up by your face.

Should I smile? Yes. Okay. Oh, that helps. It's horrifying. Oh, no. You're now going to roll a D20. 16.

Damn. Plus intelligence. Those are some good dice. Which is two. That's 18. It's higher than 12. 18. You capture an image.

All right. Can we do a silly one? Yeah. Yeah, here wait, let me roll again. 16 plus two. Now everybody, now do one when we all jump up in the air at the same time. Can we do that one? Yeah, I love that.

Are we counting down from three or do we do it on three? Three, two, one, jump. Roll. I did. What'd you roll? 16 plus two. Wait, wait, you rolled three 16ths? Oh, wait, no, no.

Okay. Oh, five. Okay, that one doesn't come out. Everybody's very disappointed. Silly photo again. All right. 10 plus 2, 12. Okay, that one takes.

That one's for the gram. That was a good jump. Solid saved by the Veld moment. So what you have gathered now, the Zorn did not mean to come here. It did not come here by tunneling. It fell through a rift. It fell and landed in water.

It doesn't know how to get back. And it didn't want to cause any trouble. And it does not know. how to get back. Is there water? I mean, do we see water in this huge chamber? This is an underground lake. So you're basically standing on like a, what would be a stone beach, a solid, you know, probably 12 feet of stone shelf.

And then out past that is a lake. How's my, this has got to be more than 10 minutes at this point, yes? Yeah. I think butter mine alone probably. Butter mine alone. Just the side trip, you guys took the butter mine. I'm going to click on lingering magic again, like walking towards the water just to see if I can pick up like this rift or whatever. So.

Well, can we do an investigation check? I mean, we can do both. Or perception or whatever? Just let him just let him do the thing and then you can do a perception check. Okay, cool. So this go around, it clicks on and your body starts a humming. but this time it is overwhelmingly the presence of some transportation magic and give me an arcana check too well it's hey 18 plus one so this you can see with your aura sensing and glowing and whatnot

that there is definitely a portal hovering above the wall water. About probably 10 feet off of the edge of the rock and probably about five feet up off the water. And it is a, it was not created by somebody. It doesn't have any kind of artistry or structure to it. It is more like a tear in the fabric of that place. So like a almost rip. Like you would imagine if you were pulling on,

a worn piece of fabric and that was just like the most frayed part of it that it might tear simply in the act of existing. So you're saying that I investigate this thing enough to know that it was not intentionally created? It just seems to be like a organic sort of tear in the fabric of space time. Correct.

Okay. Well, there's the exit. You could hop right through there. Yeah. Can you, I, I can't see what, can you kind of like, I don't know, point? Oh, yeah, sure. I kind of point above the water where I see this rift floating in the air. Oh, I, I can't reach that.

I, I dig, I walk. How deeps the water? Are you asking me, Travis McElroy? Well, yeah. Do an investigation check. I'm not as I'm not as I'm not to tell you. Okay. I do an investigation check.

I rolled. I enrolled a 19 and plus two intelligence, correct? I'm going to have to confiscate y'all's dice. These rolls is too good. You want me to do video? I'll prove it to you. No, I'm not calling you a cheater. I'm saying these dice are too amazing.

You're too powerful for your hands. I did roll a five for the goofy picture. That's true. Your investigation skill number is what you add to it. That's what I did, too. Okay. So you pick a rock, you throw it in there, and you calculate that the water, basically it's a sheer drop-off, so it goes to about 10 feet deep right at the start. So basically, the Zorn needs some help either getting, I don't know, maybe a bridge of some kind or a dock or a jump or a throw or need some way to get to this rift.

What's the size of the Zorn? How big a boy is he? I'm just gonna Google Size of Zorn Google size of Zorn Hey, Siri Size of Zorn You are being reported

Let's see Average Zorns Not you Siri, you motherfucker Average Zorns are about five feet tall And weigh about 600 pounds Oh Dang Well they're five feet tall and wide

These are wide folks Tell me thick All right I mean, I could chuck a zorn. You could chuck a zorn. 600 pounds, you could chuck a zorn. Maybe a minor zorn. I could chuck a zorn.

Depends on if I'm raging or not, if I'm raging, I could chuck a zorn. I see. Chuck a zorn. Chuck a zorn. Chuck a zorn. I have, I feel, I feel utterly ill-equipped to help to help with this issue. Druids are dumb. Do you want me to grow a flower somewhere?

I can help with that. I thought you had a spell that like improved someone's jump. I did and then I decided to forget that smell to make room for other better spells. Sick. Um, I have a shape water spell. Hey. Hell yeah, my dude. All right.

Could I shape water and make like stairs? Mac in 2020, I want you to. to stop asking permission. I make... Say you're doing something and then let Travis tell you no. Is it 2020 already? Will be when this comes out. I cast

shape water and form a... Form of... A gentle ramp that the Zorn can just walk up to the rift and jump through. I mean, I'll be the one to point out

that it's still water. Yeah, it's still water. So, I mean, I understand Dad forms a D. Zorn takes one step onto it and plumbers. Well, that wouldn't be funny. Into the brine.

So, yes, you cast this. Oh, wait a minute. Okay. You can freeze the water provided there are no creatures in it. Great. The water unfreezes in one hour. Six.

See, there we go. Reading is fundamental. So you create this ramp right towards where Fitzroy is pointing. And the Zorn says, oh, thank you, my friends. I'll never forget you. Do you need me to sign anything? Actually, do we need the Zorn to sign anything? I mean, might as, I can.

We check the document out there, Mac. I think no I think our responsibility was initially to solve the problem so I think if he leaves we've solved the problem we okay let's talk about this for a second that's not that's not the mission I walk that was not I mean it might have been the mission at some point here's the problem if we let this Zorn get away and then we said the Zorn has liability they can't collect on that Zorn I got this oh Fitzroy walks up to the Zorn Actually, just as a precaution, I pull out the notebook of Farr Speech. I just open it up to a page, not the one that makes the ink disappear. Nice try.

Trying to trap me. I bring out a little quill. I say, if you could just write down my bad and sign it, the Zorn. And do you need like my email address or like my AIM? Actually, if we can get in touch with it. I don't know if that data will cross. That's Earth, by the way, because I live in the ground. On the Earth, yes.

Yes. I didn't know if that was clear. So just my bad. Because I use Gmail, which is geology mail. Okay. And it gets sent through rocks. Okay. Okay.

Okay. My bad signed Zorn Zorn from low down deep. Uh, cool. Uh, friends forever. Have a great summer. Okay. That's, we can erase that part later because it's a legally binding document. Mm-hmm.

BFF. BFF. I was the first to sign your crack. Love Zorn Zorn. He's funny. Enjoy your walk back to your plane. Okay. Argo, can you take a picture of the rift?

I was just thinking that would be a good idea. I think somebody back at the old school might find that interest. I'm just going to stand here while you make intelligence checks until one of them pays off. I did. I rolled an 11 plus 2. That's 13. I take a picture of the rift. But I want you guys to get it.

You were in the picture, too, and you're all smiling and waving and giving bunny ears back of Fitz's head. You time it perfectly so that you catch the rift just as the Zorn passes through. And so you get a fairly clear image of how the Rift works as he moves through. And then all is silent. And you have solved my miraculous, wonderful, wonderful Zorn puzzle. Wow. So now at this point, is there anything you all want to do in, in this mine before this instance closes?

Do we need to go to Lake Walgreens and get the glasses pictures developed or what's up? Well, you're going to connect those through a micro USB. Do I get the glasses back to the Furbulk? Uh-huh. They are his. Do you make your way back into town? Do you inform anybody of the happenstance? Let me ask, does anybody have the temptation to go through the rift?

I mean, the ramp lasts for an hour. Let me just tell you this. as a, as your friendly, kind, benevolent DM so that you guys don't have to do a lot of research. The Earth elemental plane is like 99% rock. It is not advised that people travel through it because most human being are most like mortal people who go through it end up getting tracked in the rock and dying. Yeah, can't breathe rock. Not a true, not a chill place.

Tried. I'd hurt. Yeah, I think we should, I think we should report back to the, uh, the, the, the minor, and the owner and the union chief or whatever their position was. Well, okay, so I'm going to say that you do that. If I'm being honest, there's not a lot of new information to communicate here,

so we won't waste time doing a whole scene about it. You go back, you let Jared Reginald and Candice know that the case is closed. You give them the liability documents and you tell them that they have proof that will be sent to them once you are able to extract the photos from the close. glasses.

They then go ahead and pre-pay you the 10% of the settlement. So you picked up a thousand gold. They hand that over to Rainier. That's Team Bad Guys. Correct. And as the villain head of Team Bad Guy, Rainier gets to hold that. And so you're back at the Depot, you know, where the cart to pick people up to and from school

and you're waiting for the cart to arrive and Leon says, Fitzworth, could I just talk to you real quick just before the cart gets here? Of course you may. My trusted student. Yeah, it's not really about that, but you, so... Would you mind carrying some of my things?

Beloved Squire? We only have a couple minutes, please. Okay, sorry. So knights have like a code to protect people, right? Yes, of course. That's sort of the whole schick. And if I tell you something, will you keep it quiet? Don't tell anybody, not even Dr. Mushrooms or Argo or anybody.

I rolled a 19 plus five deception. Nice. I'm worried that school might not be safe. and I'm worried, not for me, but for Buckminster. I don't want Buckminster to get hurt. And have you noticed the school isn't right? Like, everybody seems, everyone seems like they're hiding something or like they're on edge. And it feels wrong.

Squire Leon, it seems sort of like I only am able to compare it to Clyde Knight's night night's school. which is an excellent academy, just well reviewed in every regard. And we go to school in what is essentially a big wooden toilet. So it's tough for me to pick up anything, any funk other than that. No, I'm not talking about like what is happening or what anybody's doing, but a lot of people think I'm, You know, they think I'm kind of slow. And I'm not. I'm just big and quiet.

And I listen. And sometimes when people underestimate you, they're not always so careful around you. And it's just facial expressions. And the way people react when they think nobody's looking and it feels off. What do I do? I mean, keep your eyes openly. Undo what you're doing.

I don't know what you expect me to do. I can keep you safe, I suppose, if that's why you've come to me today to speak. But I suppose we could reach out to the heroic oversight guild. Okay, I'll think about it. I'm not ready. Maybe I'm, you know what, I'm, it's probably not. I'm just very protective of Buckminster, and it's probably nothing.

I'm sorry I bothered you. It's probably nothing. Maybe. If you see anything, will you let me know? Of course. Yeah. I, Leon, you're now my trusted confidante. That is how this arrangement will work.

I am, you understand, I am elevating you past Page Ship. You are straight to squire, Leon, because I see so much promise in you. Thank you. I guess. Just don't say, I don't want people to think I'm, you know, nervous or whatever. And I just keep it between us. I already rolled to lie about that. Yes, of course I will.

And the cart arrives and you all load up and make your way back to Horanus Wigginstast School for Heroism and Villainee. Maximumfund.com. Comedy and culture. owned audience supported. Hi, I'm Mally Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott, and we host Round Springfield. Round Springfield is a new Simpsons podcast that is Simpsons adjacent. In its topic, we talk to Simpsons writers, directors, voiceover actors, you name it,

about non-Simpsons things that they've done because, surprise, they're all extremely talented. Absolutely. For example, David X. Cohen worked on The Simpsons, but then created a little show called Futurama. That's our very first episode. So tune in for stuff like that with Yardley Smith, with Tim Long, with different writers and voice actors. It's going to be so much fun. And we are every other week on Maximum Fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Friendly Fire is a podcast about war movies, but it's so much more than that.

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