The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Holiday Brawl in Chicago!

Episode Date: December 27, 2019

What do you get when you cross the North Pole, Jason Statham, A Christmas Carol, and the wildly inscrutable plotting of the Metal Gear Solid franchise? Well, you get this live show. Whether or not that’s something you actually want is up to you. This episode’s game is The Fight Before Christmas by Paul Matijevic (@Ettin64), which is a hack of Lasers & Feelings by John Harper. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the bar, not a creature was stirring, save for three travelers far. There are no wise men or kings or tourists abroad. They are here on a mission, an unscrupulous squad, who have forged all their passports, greased to the right palms and smuggled brass knuckles, tasers, bullwhips, and bombs, to an unwelcoming climate, old central Siberia, and the cold city, Norilsk, which fits their criteria, the northernmost outpost of civilization

just to skip and a jump from their true destination. The bar's doors swing open and let in the cold. The trio look for their ticket. The next stop, the North Pole. With hearts unforgiving and knuckles of brass, meet the three who spent Christmas beating Santa Claus ass. That was beautiful. The door to a bar.

Oh, thought he was done. in dark, it's a dark chilly night in Norales, a city in Siberia that I found on Wikipedia. As the aforementioned poem suggested, it's a seedy bar, late afternoon, it's December 24th, Christmas Eve, and it's as cold as a Yeti fart. The bar's half-asleep patrons show signs of life

as the door into the establishment swings open admitting a gale of blustery, wind, and sleet, as well as a trio of folks who are clearly not from around here. Yeah, we'll go down in this order. You enter first. Tell us about your character tonight. Uh-oh. No, it's fine. I was just debating whether I should do it in character voice or not.

Well, hold on. You're telling... I vote, yes. Yes, okay. My name is Derek Jingles. Did you say... Sorry, it's supposed to be Dirk's Jingles. But you said Derek Jingles, so that's what it is. It's canonical.

Dirk is a nickname for Derek. Okay, Derek. Dirk Jingles. And I'm an... Angry thief. Yes, those are the tags that you have chosen. Yes. Where do you fall on the naughty to nice spectrum?

Very naughty. Okay, fantastic. In fact, across my knuckles, it says, N-O-T-Y-L-I-S-T. Oh, that's good. Thank you. Notty. I bet a lot of people ask that.

Notty? Noddy. I know the spelling, it's just the conservation. It's like when you do a license plate. Right. He's got an S on his thumb, so... No, no, what, no. Took you a second, though, didn't it?

Following immediately behind, Mac, tell us about your character tonight. Hello, I'm Cecilia Scrooge. I am a research scientist, and my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather was Ebenezer Scrooge. This is confusing because you are playing a character who's extremely scientific and is also fictional, I guess?

The descendant of a fictional character? No, it's based on Abanese or Scridge. What? The historical figure? I'm not going to show my ass. I am not going to show my ass on stage like this. Griffin, play with me. Buddies with King Arthur.

Yeah. And Captain America. Sherlock Holmes, those guys. And finally, bringing up the rear is, Justin, your character, tell us all about him. Hi, my name is Randy Rainsbottom, I'm seven years old. Randy, now Randy. Now, Justin warned us he was going to be method out here,

so prepare for that. Am I talking to Randy right now? I did it when you said to Mr. Griffin. I'm Randy Ransbottom, I'm seven years old, and I'm going to be... Randy, I thought you were eight. What? Does it matter?

Does that one year qualify him for going on a Santa ass beating mission? In third grade, you really learn you what you need to go on a Santa ass beating mission. Can I go ahead now, Mr. Griffin? Yes. My name is Randy Ransbottom. I'm seven years old, and I'm fixing to beat Santa Claus' ass because I heard that if I beat up Santa Claus, then I get to beat the new Santa Claus is whatever. Derek. Dirk.

Derek, I should. Derek is his full name. His friends call him Dirk. Dirk, I should have asked you and Cecilia, what is your reason for wanting to beat Santa Claus's ass tonight? Well, Dirk's birthday is December 25th. Oh, that's rough. And all his childhood being denied, like twice the presence,

is what drove him to a life of prime to reclaim what he believes he is owed. And so he is going to beat the shit out of Santa so that he can steal presents to make up for all of those birthdays or Christmases, whichever one you want to look at that he missed out on. Okay. And Cecilia.

Someone in here with a Christmas birthday, huh? Heard one person clap. Yeah. Not me. I'm in November. On the same day as your brother. Yes. Okay.

Yeah. Actually, Cecilia feels very strongly that Santa Claus in the guise of the ghost of Christmas present. Of course. ruined Scrooge's life and the rest of the family. Think of how rich he would be. They were rich. He was successful. People feared him.

They respected him. And then he starts giving shit away. Right. And hoisting kids up on his shoulders. And the family never really recovered from that. So she is out to prove that there's still some bad in the Scrooge family. Good. Okay.

The three of you have come to this bar this afternoon. Fyodor's, I love this bar and grill. To seek a contact you discovered after paying a pretty Bitcoin on the dark web, a man calling himself the Musk Ox. Rumor has it that he can get you to the North Pole. The real North Pole, not the bullshit geomagnetic convergence point, if the price is right. Unfortunately, his location today is a lot.

all you have to go on, what this man looks like is a complete mystery to you. I'm going to say as the three of you walk into this bar, the bartender looks up and says, how old are you? I'm about 30. No, the boy. I'm about 37.

The boy. He's old enough. He's with me. That's not how, that's, why am I, you may be British. Sweetheart. That's how powerful I am. Darling, when we agreed...

Why are you touching me? When we agreed to bring Randy on this little trip, we knew that there were going to be some people questioning us. Oh, right. Cover stories. Cover story. Remember, Randy, answer the man's question. My name is Rainey, Wayne Spottom. I'm seven years old. Teen. Randy, why don't you roll nice with this lie that you are trying to give the bartender here?

You get to roll one dice for, what are the rules? Roll one dice, just to see how it goes. Roll one if you're prepared and one if you're an expert. Are you? I would say not prepared, considering that I amended my answer mid-sentence. Yes. I would say I'm not prepared. What are Randy's descriptors here?

Let me get a sip of white wine real quick. Okay. Did you say white wine? Yeah, it's a white claw mixed with vodka. It's a white claw mixed with wine. White claw mixed with wine. It's white wine. Okay.

What are Randy's tags so we know whether or not he's good at it? Okay, you're just going to take another... I thought you were about to go into one of the long sort of explanations of mechanics. Randy is a... On the scale, Randy's a two, which makes him pretty nice. You get to choose a description. Angry, dangerous, Mary, shrewd, etc. And a role, driver, grifter, hacker, priest, scientist...

He is a hacker. We settled this. Okay. He's a hacker. Kids are good with phones. All right. I'm going to say this is one dice then to try and roll above your number,

which is... Social hacking. Yeah, sure. No, okay. It's a two. Hey, you got your number exactly. That's good. That's a success or a Merry Christmas.

We'll go with success, I think, yeah. He looks at you and says, I do not believe you, but it is late. So come on in. child. I'm real tired, actually, on account of me being 17. Sure, it's yes. Probably jet lagged.

You three don't appear to be from around here. Are you Dracula? You fucking ramped off the Russian bridge and are tumbling into Dracula ravine. Never to be seen again. I am Fyodor. A Fyodor's I love this. butter and grilled.

Please wait to be seated. We're in the middle of our dinner rush. I am just kidding. My business is failing spectacularly. All right. Here's 20 quid. You don't bother us while we look for the muck so. Muck.

Muck socks. I'm drunk. The socks you wear when you muck around in stuff. Musk ox. What is my accent? You three. We're all having issues. You three are

looking for the musk ox. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't perhaps be here to beat Santa Claus ass, are you? That's my plan, because I heard it if I beat 10-Cla's ass, so then I get to be the new Santa Claus. That's how it works, yes. You've heard correctly, Child.

If I get beat his ass, I get all the toys, so I'm fixing to. You're going to have to speak up, child. I'm fixing to beat his ass. He looks into the middle distance, just sort of, just glass-eyed for a second and says, how many have found our way here chasing the siren song of beating Santa Claus's ass? I don't know. How many?

I was actually asking, I have lost count. It's been quite a few. Ten? More than ten, yes. Twelve. Most people want to beat... You're aware most people want to beat Santa Claus ass. Of course, I live in the world. The parts of the brain that process holiday cheer and wanting to beat us are right next.

to each other. It's basic neurochemistry. I will tell you what I tell everyone else. Go home. Find a more attainable ass to beat. It is late. It's Christmas Eve. You don't have family.

Office party. Hey. Suddenly everybody in the bar just starts doing this. Oy, I'm going to beat Santa's ass to die trying. And then he smashes a glass over his head. Oh, don't do that.

Hey. You heard about my failing business, yes? Glasses do not grow on trees? And then he just puts a tenor down on the camera and says, Sorry about the glass. It's not a ten-dollar glass. I'll get you changed. No, that's a tip.

I'll get you change. He goes and takes it backstage. He goes into the back room of the establishment. And the three of you hear, one of the figures sitting at the bar lifts his head and you hear a deep voice say, I couldn't help but overhear the, you three are looking to beat Santa Claus's ass.

Yeah? Everybody's doing it. I'm dad's at the bar, cool. Clint McQuarrie leans over from a corner to, you know, everybody was doing it. I used to be a space janitor. Now I'm here on Earth. Santa ran me out of business.

This big burly adult with the face of a toddler sitting in this chair next to you, just making love to his tonic and gin. Literally. It's gross. He's got these two nearly identical companions of his that are just fully passed out at the table next to him,

but he looks up at you and he says, me and my associates may be able to lend you some help in finding the musk ox if you're... Are you him? No, but I can get you to the musk-ox. What's your handle, partner? My name is Tensell. What's yours, little fellow?

My name is Rainey, Raines Bottom. I'm 17 years old. Norse. Getting pretty excited about voting. So important. Well, why don't you three come with me outside? We don't want the wrong parties to overhear, and we'll get you there. How about that? Who are your two associates here?

Oh, these are my friends. That's Sugar Plum and Carl. One of my favorite 80s groups. Sure. You know what? I'm going to say Dirk is going to rely on his thieves intuition.

Okay. And he's going to attack these dudes. Okay. Wow. I would say, Travis, this is a pretty naughty move. Yes. And I would say that because it is naughty and I'm doing it and surprise,

I'm prepared for it. Sure. And when you say I'm successful in it, since it literally says, naughty involves action and violence. Yes, so roll 2D6, you want to roll under your number, which is a 5. So this should be fairly easy. I'm very naughty.

Let's see. That's a 6. Yeah, 6 is one of them. Six is a failure. You want to roll under your 5. Oh, then I have two successes. A 4 and a 1. Wait, did you roll 3?

It's fine in the future. Because I was prepared and I'm an expert at it and I was doing it. At beating ass? You're a thief. Yeah, but I'm very not. A thief beats ass. Okay, that's fine. Have you not picked up on the Jason Stag?

Yeah, okay, that's fair. Not the only options are driver, grifter, hacker, please. Not a good thing, though. Two successes. No good thief is like, well, I'm going to have to fight my way out. Like, that's never, like, at the end of Ocean's 11, they're like, and then we'll all get katanas. And we're going to kill everybody. That was plan B.

Until everybody's stopped. If the truck thing doesn't work, just start punching. Eventually, the cops will be like, there's. too good at katanas. We have to let them take the art. Dirk, you notice that Tinsel here has a candy cane, like

nightstick on him, and you see that, and that's all you need to see, and you lay into them. Are you just beating Tensel's ass, or are you just sort of like... The other two are passed out? Yeah, they're still out. I'm going for Tensel. Okay. Yeah, I mean, you handily beat Tensel's ass

into the ground, and at this point, the other two start to rouse and stand up and say, oh, I thought we were going to do a trap outside. Well, shoot. I guess now we... Oh, I knew it. And I kick one of their stools out from under him.

Whoa. I didn't have to roll? No, we're going to let that last ass-kicking ride. Okay, and then I pin the... I grabbed the other one. Whoa, you're doing everything. Hello? Oh, I'm sorry.

I do one of you want to take a... Clint McGregor and want to... ...to get hit on the roll. Hey, kick Clint's ass Okay What do you do to Dad? I slam his head down on the table Oh shit, Dad, did you hear that?

And it smashes his glass of rum chata Oh no! Ow! We're really working out some issues in front of you folks tonight. Dad's dead and he's back to playing his character now. Okay. Cecilia and Randy are you doing anything to get involved in this? Well, listen, little sugar plum

I think that you have been exposed. You're really good at this. You should do character voices more. See, that's what I like to do. Complement? It's the old robot. Come over here. All right.

It's really working. Why don't you help us out? Obviously, your trap has failed. Your associate who fell off the stool accidentally. I kicked it. He also said, I know. I'm trying to... I mean, he saw me kick it.

I'm trying to smooth the water's hit. But I won't. want him to be scared. My friend here will offer you a great deal of money if you will tell us who employed you to trap us. I don't have money. Steal some. That was my last 10 quid.

Steal some. You're trying to convince sugar plum here to, okay, go ahead and roll nice there, Cecilia. You're trying to roll over your number, which is three. Okay. I'm going to say you are a scientist. I think this is a logical argument. I'll give you one extra dice there.

And, yeah, 2D6. Let's see what you got. Five and a two. That's one success. Okay. With the one success, he starts to pull out his candy cane nightstick, and then he just waits and it's thinking about your offer. And while he's thinking about it, Fyodor comes out from the back room, and he says, enough, enough, enough of this.

Looking for you guys. I was about to beat an ass I was about to beat their asses Do you want to beat some ass little child I can go back out I don't know them from Adam I'm playing fortnight right now And I can't do it

But I was about to Do it I was about to beat All of them I got a sword What It's not a big deal Is it a Nerf sword

That's a regular sword Child I'm going to see I'm saying with it. Child, you have charmed me, child. You have charmed me, child. I am the muscox.

Now, wait, we asked him if he was earlier and he said no, so what's up? Do he lie? That's a fucking, he broke the law. And here's the thing, Griffin, if he lied to us, that means you lied to. I know, I'm so sorry. How are we to trust you ever again?

I did not want to send three more weary travelers to their deaths at Santa Claus's hand, but seeing how you have roughed up these unemployed elves here, and the three pop their hats off, and sure enough, they have elf ears, and the whole deal. Curled up shoes, the whole deal! He says, I have stopped ferrying people up to the North Pole. It doesn't seem sporting. Santa Claus is an old man, yes.

I have him like... Well, he's a moral ending. It's complicated. His eyes go glad. and he looks in the middle distance. Ugh. If only. Anyway, I have in my possession

a decommission... Wait, hold on. Are you... Well, he's lied once. Are you Santa Claus? No. I am the Muskawks. I can't have more than one nickname. Well, you lied before, so you could.

Theoretic. Lying people can tell the truth. You're a scientist, yes? Oh, I get it. You always lie, and he always tells the truth. And I point out of it. over at Dead Clay Magaroy. Did you... Thank you, Travis.

I have in my position a decommissioned sleigh. I spray painted it with NASCAR racers some of my favorite. Oh, hell yeah. I love Jeff Gordon. And I can

take you up there if... If Jeff Gordon sucks. Randy, you're going to have to speak up. I like... I like Dick Trickle. Dick Trickle? I like Dick Trickle. You are joking with me, Randy.

There is not human being named Dick Tricle. He's just a real guy? Like a pee falling out of a... I have his NASCAR plate, so he's telling the truth. I need to read up, I guess. It takes a while for NASCAR news to reach our shores in Siberia. We don't really have traditional shores to speak of, but anyway, I'll take you up there for five Bitcoin.

Is that a lot? I don't... Boy, that's a lot of Bitcoin. Is it? No. It doesn't sound It's five of something It doesn't sound like it's a great deal

Like 0.05 is a lot Oh shoot Yeah Okay whatever you've got on you I guess I honestly am about to close up I don't have much else going on tonight Fyodor doesn't have much family to speak of I don't have any more I'm just going to sort of

Talk about my back story But you all go ahead and do your own Why don't I have I'll um I'll hax him so lonely His business is so I'll hack some Bitcoin. I can't talk over.

I'll hack some, I'll hack some Bitcoin. I'm open on Christmas Eve. I can't talk over. What's that? I'll hack some Bitcoin. Sorry, go ahead. I'll hack some Bitcoin into his account and he'll have some Bitcoin to spend on whatever he wants.

Okay. Roll, uh, yeah. Fucking prepared. Yeah, you're definitely prepared. Definitely my talent. This is definitely 3D6. You left the Bitcoin door wide open. This is 3D6.

Yes. It's just a question of it's, is it naughty or? nice what you're doing right now. It feels like he's giving Bitcoin to you. I'm probably taking it from some kind of financial sector huge fans. That's super nice. That's super nice. No nice people have been. The nicest you could get. So I'm trying to roll equal to or above.

Equal to or above. It's two fours. Two successes. Okay, that's a full success. Wait, Anna, two. Merry Christmas. Oh yeah, that's three successes. He looks at his phone and says, you just hacked 400,000 Bitcoin into my account. This is a great deal of money, yes? I don't have much perspective on that. Yeah, it's all from Martin Screlly's account.

Okay. Imagine, imagine, dear, if the tooth fairy came 400,000 times... Oye, Bitcoin isn't worth one dollar. But it's called coin. How could it be worth more than one thing? Where do I start? Everyone get out. This bar sucks, and there's all... Always sucked. I do not need it anymore.

Let's go. And I imagine Vyodor sets fire to it as he walks out. Yes. Leaving dead Clint McRoy is a kind of a Viking funeral. We took time to take Clint's corpse out to the ocean. She ships the side of Siberia off around his bar and just kind of pushes it out to... Is this the last we've seen of Clint McElroy? Interdimensional traveler Climbingeroy.

He's always popping up where you least expect it. The three of you fly over, well, the four of you with Fyodor fly over the Arctic Sea on Fyodor's sleigh, which both flies and creates a survivable atmosphere's inhabitants, thanks to Christmas magic, so don't ask about it. Several hours passed. This is one of the things I have an issue with, is a flying sleigh. Yes. Pulled by... Christmas magic.

Dear. No, not this one. This one's pulled by Jeff Gordon alone. I accept that. I accept that. Keep it up. He's very strong and he can fly. So why couldn't my sleigh fly? Hold on. I have to give him carrot. That was Griffin as Jeff Gordon eating a carrot. Hey, thanks for the carrot. I'm Jeff Gordon, I think. Okay, I have a very important question. question. First, Paul, do you still have that white claw? Thanks, bud. So here's my,

here's my question. When Jeff Gordon is pulling the sleigh. Yeah. This old chestnut. He does have the reins in his teeth. Okay, but is Jeff Gordon, he obviously has the reins in his teeth. He has a bet. That's the real Santa Claus there. Thanks Paul. Oh, Santa Claus. CLAW. Whoa. That's something. There's something there. So Jeff Gordon has the thing in his teeth. Yes. Is Jeff Gordon Thank you. Is Jeff Gordon running through the air?

No, he's arms behind him like... Flying like Superman? Like Ultraman, arms behind, just sort of... Okay, all right. Okay. Dazzling green lights dance across the sky and Fyodor pulls back on the

Jeff Gordon control lever. The rains. The rains sending you soaring up, up into the Aurora Borealis, which is all. Also not how the Aurora Borealis works, but again, Christmas magic. Fyodor descends as you exit this ribbon of light, and now you see it. A brilliant network of multicolored lights, a city-sized compound here, in the middle of this frozen wasteland.

From a distance, you can see a... The world seems like glass. I knew you were going to fucking do that. You can see a flurry of activity as hover trains carry supply crates to and fro, loading them onto service elevator ramps that dive further underground. You see trails of hoof prints in the snow and follow them to see reindeer. But even from here, you can tell

there's something wrong with these reindeer because they're absolute units. And you see the moat. Santa's workshop is on an island surrounded by a football field-sized pool. That's not very big. A six-football field-sized pool. My mental picture just adjusted accordingly.

Of frigid dark water. But it's a moat. So is it six-foot-foot-s-ball field? It's a lake. It's like a lake that his island is in. Got it. A pool that Fyodor. Is it two by three or three by, what's the orientation of that?

Is it one in a row six times? Yes. Okay. This pool, Fyodor brings the sleigh down outside of bringing to the ground with an expert's hand. And he says, I will go no further. Santa still, he will see the sled coming. I cannot risk it. It's apparently my main source of income now.

That we have burned down Fyodor's. I love this bar and grill, which was not just a clever title. In retrospect, it was a mistake. I did loathe the bar and grill. I got so excited because you have transferred. Let me run the numbers on this. $6 billion into my account. Anyway, I will stay here for a little while,

kept warm and hidden by the Slay's Christmas magic. How much? Was it $6 billion? It was a great deal of money. Damn. What is this Bitcoin shit? Okay. Do you remember how you bought a bunch of Pepsi back in the late 90s

to get those points to buy hacky sacks and shit. It's like that. But imagine if those became worth money. Hey, Fido. I just want to say before you go to remind you to being a billionaire is morally indefensible. This.

There's literally no excuse. There's literally no excuse for it. Children, they say the funniest things, yes. I would wish the three of you good luck, but I can tell. You're not going to need. It's still a nice thing to do. It's social no nicety, yeah.

We didn't just give you six billion dollars. Like you wishing us luck doesn't mean we need luck. He's just, he's an old, old man. The three of you are on a mission to beat an old man's ass. That's like saying, have a nice day. Sure, but it's morally questionable what you're doing. We gave you so much money. Why don't you leave the sleigh and walk home?

We? I cannot walk up into Aurora Bulliolis. Anyway, good luck. Crossing the Malt, it is quite large. And circular, I've just decided. And unfrozen. It's... Yes.

It's weird. You see a little... It's strange for later that works. ...futuristic warming pylons. Barry below the surface of the... Boy, you didn't plan for the porloin. Is this the North Pole or the planet Krypton? Well, if you think about...

the fortress of solid. Anyway, how are you crossing the moat? I will tell you this. Let's put a distance on it. I'm going to take back everything I've said, what with football fields, and put a number on this bad boy. In basically every direction to this island,

there's a good... This is much, much shorter than I said originally, but 150 feet between you and the workshop island. And also, you notice that, though this is like a weirdly, like, fully contained little lake, there's some waves here on the water. What do you do?

Is there anything on the shore that would indicate that there's some kind of ferry system or shuttle system that gets you? No, absolutely not. Is there a bridge? Yes. He's up. No. These giant reindeer you spoke of. Yes.

Do I see any near us? They're on the other side. They are on Christmas Island. Damn. Yeah. Could we use cryosis to form ice columns? Okay. Dad just started playing Breath of the Wild.

It's very exciting for all of us. I'm going to break apart a chunk of ice that I'm standing on and hope it goes to it. Well, I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to do a test chunk first that I'm not on. Break it off and see what happens. Okay. Why don't you roll, this is not naughty.

So go ahead and roll nice. It's not his ice. You have some finesse as a thief, so roll two D-Says. But I'm trying to roll lower? You're trying to roll higher than your number for an ice roll. It's fine. This is a very low stakes roll. If you fail this, I'm not going to hurt you.

No, it's a two and a three. Okay, it's a failure, but you see the ice like float into the middle of the water and it doesn't seem to make it all the way, but you get the idea that, yeah, this ice is pretty buoyant, almost like ice. So you get the idea that, yeah, this plant could work, but you might need a little bit more mustard to get you there.

Brandy Do you have any mustard? Do you have any great poop on? No I got I got it I figured it out if I turn the six

upside down it makes a nine and then I can put it next to the six Pretty good Oh Yes Randy this kid I'm telling you Is going places

Wait Are you still here? I'm four feet away from you watching you all trying to us the damn sled and we'll paddle across. Did you know about that? Six-nine. A little sex number, yes.

It's when they, um, when they kiss, it's when they kiss buds. Oh, child. And 7734 upside down. What is it, mate? Hell. Hell, hell, hell. It's pretty good.

Thanks, Clint. Thanks Ghost of Clint. Anyway, What are you doing to get across the remote? I mean, I'm seven fucking years old. Like, literally, swimming. Literally half the books that I read in middle school

are about kids dying in these exact situations. Hans Brinker. Yeah, this is fucking Bratius Teribithia hands down. Yeah. 100%. You wanted to be a hatchet. This is my girl. This is my, if you were watching My Girl 3,

and it's about a kid going, is McCly going to beat Sandcloths his ass? This is the moment where he'd be like, this kid's about to die. Jeff Gordon, you can fly, right? Yeah, yeah. So why don't you take turns flying us over there? Oh, but one of you's going to eat the other one,

but the other one's going to eat the back. I've seen this fucking shit before. No way, man. Fyodor, give him the sleigh, and I'll swim it across, I'll bring it right back. What do you say, Fyodor, you can trust me. It's me, Jeff Gordon from NASCAR. I like how you look.

looked at me? No, there's a bug. I guess that would be okay. They aren't doing anything. They're sitting here looking at me. I chunked off a piece of ice. Then do your ice plan. Okay. I do it. Bye, dark.

Hey, it worked for Yukon, Cornelius, and Rudolph. Hell yeah, it did. Now it's time for you to really roll nice 2D6. You're trying to roll over your number. How could this possibly be naughty, Travis McElroy. Because I'm stinking up on Santa Claus to beat his ass, Griffin McElroy.

Yeah, that's a meta-textual layer, though. Like, in this moment, it's not especially naughty. All right, Justin McElroy. You know, it's because the ice... Five or above, roll it, baby. No. It's two and a four. You too watch...

Say it, Jim. You watch Dirk just sort of like surfing out there, like 10 feet, and then you see a shape appear in the water, and it shoots up into the sky, and you see silhouetted against the moon, a single long horn as a narwhal comes splashing down right on top of him, taking him down into the water. What do you two do?

I'm telling you, you should have just done my, let me swim your cross plan, man. Dirk's dead now. I miss Mr. Derek very much, but I want to ride on your back, Jeff Gordon. Can I have a piggyback right over there? Oh. I suppose. I miss my friend Mr. Derek so much. If you could just give me a right over there, Jeff Gordon, I appreciate it.

Yeah, right. Hop on board you two. I'll show you a really funny joke that I did with dice. Is it what a... Turn your six upside down. You're 69? Yes, fucking great, man. He brings you two into the water,

one of you on each arm. You're not even going to make me roll to see Jeff Gordon flies me across the boat? No, because we've been standing in front of this moat for 16 minutes. He's just kind of pushing you along the water? Can I tell you something you did not know? about Dirk Jingles? Yeah. He has a doctorate in marine biology.

I saw that movie. What's your play here? When the Narwhal Services, he's riding it and they've become friends. Because if there's one thing Dirk Jiggles knows, it's how to befriend the marine mammals. Are you saying Jingles or Jiggles?

I thought he said Jiggles. It's Derek Jiggles male Jigolo. Friend of Dirk Diggler. It's Derek Jigler. Or dirt jinglers. It's so fucking good, Trajews the thing, it's not his real goddamn name.

It is his thieves alias. Travis, I love you. I'm going to give you two dice on this one, but there's, again, you are not being naughty to this whale. But see, here's the thing. What you did not know, he was the bad boy of marine biology. His methods were not approved. You picked five.

You picked five. And then you decided to be a very nice bull. Boy, respect the game, five or above. How is this nice? Rol that slaving a beautiful narwhal. Let's see that fucking five or six. Wait, wait, wait. I'm going to help out.

Oh, okay. How are you helping out with this clan? I'm a scientist. I just want to be across the boat. Did you put your head on the water, clan? Like, oh, he's cool. A little trust man. You think a narwhal would like that?

You think a narwhal would like that? And also, that's the most obvious move you do with a narwhal. All right. I'm trying to help you. Take the extra dice. Take the extra dice. You have four in my hand. You have four?

Yes. You get three, bud. I'm a marine biologist. One. I have a doctorate in it. No, fuck off. You get three. Quit trying to fucking cheat over there.

Five or above. I got a five. Okay. If one dice succeeds, you barely manage it. The GM inflicts a complication, harm or cost. You come up riding the whales back. He is upside down, though. So you are still.

very much underwater, but they can kind of see you under there. They know you're a marine biologist so you can hold your breath for 10 minutes. And the rest of you, Jeff Gordon and the other two, you see this narwhal's eye. Look at the two of you and just go like, I think that narwhal Jeff Gordon are going to kiss. It starts, its eyes start to squint. It's getting angry. What is Jeff Gordon? do. He speaks back to it

and perfect. He goes, oh man, I'm man. It sounds like he has a mouth full of Wothers. How's the Adventures in Show? It was pretty good. May Jeff Gordon talk to a narwhal in English? No, that's the wild thing.

It was just Griffin I would have settled Fell Elementary honestly at this point. You make it to the island. The words, literally all of you have been begging to hear for the past

20 minutes. You make a break for Santa's workshop and feel a hum of energy beneath your feet, deep below the snowy ground you walk upon. In front of you, you see a freight yard. Humongous crates are being carried to and fro by hover trains as these boxy, wheeled robots

roll around quickly but deliberately, packing smaller containers onto the next train car about to depart. You also see the aforementioned big boy reindeer. The freight yard stretches for nearly 50 meters. Just to clarify, are they like super tall or just like totally ripped? Yes.

About a hundred feet away. You see what you assume to be the front door of the complex. It is surrounded by searchlights and security cameras and guarded by another one of those big boxy wheeled robots. This one is larger and clearly packing some sort of weaponry. What do you

all do? Oie, lad, can you hack it from here. Yeah, I understand question about that. I'm fucking hack it. Can you... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that said that, Mr. Derek.

I didn't mean to say it. I said the F-bomb, I'm sorry. It's okay. We're on a heist. Are you going to tell him, Mr. Derek? Are you going to tell my mom that I said the F-bomb? Yeah.

Because he's a bad, bad man. There's a clip. You have for dead. Okay. Your mom put me in charge you, boy. All right. Papa Derek. Oh, I'm your godfather.

I'm looking out for your spiritual health. Papa Derek, I'm going to hack the... What is he hacking? The robot. The robot? All right. There are quite a few robots and hover train cars here in the freight yard. What are you specifically?

I'm going to try to hack a robot to gain control of it and create a distraction. That's my point. Okay, cool. You are definitely rolling 3D6 at least for this one. I mean, it's hacking. I've controlled lots of robots in Transformers, video games. Okay, so you are going to need to roll with your 3D6 a 2 or a 1. Yes, this is quite naughty. You're hacking. Yeah. Well, that's a 2 and a 1. Oh, shit. Nasty as I want to be.

The big armed robot that was guarding the front door, you see its head look up and then kind of buzz a little bit and then its faces like this LED display and right on the front of it you see a single bright red light appear. And it turns into this quadruped form and it comes close to you and you see what appears to be a robotic Rudolph the reindeer who is starting to sniff around in your position under your control. Randy, now what?

Fucking up. Randy? That's another one. Damn it. Oh, I'll let that pass. Thank you, Papa Derek. Call me Derek, boy. All right, Derek, boy.

I want Rudolph to start attacking what looks like, anything looks like a threat. I just wanted to start making a big fucking mess. He turns his rail gun towards the three of you. Like, are you sure? No, no, no, like a threat to us, clearly. Like, I should have been more. Boop, booby, boo.

You see him start blowing away the crates that are on these train cars, and as he does, you do not see toys, like, I don't know, tickle me Elmo. What are kids into now, I assume? Probably frozen two. LOLs, frozen two. Yeah, you see a lot of surprise eggs being explode. No, what you actually see falling out of these crates are assault weaponry, bazookas, a lot of heavy machinery that could be, you.

Used for a war, you might say. Well, the stakes are a lot higher than I would have imagined. And then he turns on his fellow robots and starts just blowing them away. He is clearly the biggest bot. And the other reindeer, the big reindeer, you see them shed their furry disguises and turn into the same quadruped robots and try and stop them. But this Rudolph robot is so big and cool. Anyway, there's a big distraction.

Now what? I'm gonna scoop up the boy and sprint for the front door. Do you accept the scooping, Randy? Yeah, scoop away, bud. I'm going to say, running away. Yes. That's a thief, me. Oh, sure.

And action is something you can do with your naughty. I think I've prepared for this. Yeah. I knew the distraction was coming. Okay, 3D6, this is naughty. And I'm looking for under. You are looking for under. Your number, which is a four, a one, and a two.

That's three successes, a full success. I get an extra effect. Where are you sprinting towards? I'm sprinting towards the door that Rudolph was guarding. Okay, you sprint towards the front door, and as you do so, you are so agile, you dance around the search lights, and press your back up against the wall and go under the search cameras. I've been playing a lot of Hideo Kojima games lately,

so this has been thoroughly inspired by that, if you couldn't tell. And you make it the front door leaving Cecilia behind at the game? No shit. Cecilia, what do you do? Well, I guess I just trudge along and do whatever everybody else wants to do. Okay. But as I walk along, I'm going to pick up pieces of machinery that have fallen off the destroyed robot, reindeer, and the other creations they've blown to shit,

and just pick up pieces and start looking at them as a scientist would do. Okay. Here at the front door, is there any kind of security panel? It is unlocked. There's, I mean, this yard was full of gun-toting reindeer robots. They didn't think to also put a lock on the door. Cecilia, I think this would be a nice role as you are sort of trying to use your powers of observation to find a piece of reindeer technology that is still intact.

So this is going to be a nice role for Cecilia. And with your scientist background and what is your, your shrewd, is your other descriptor? Yes. I think this is, you're not buying these guns. You're salvaging them. So go ahead and roll 3D6. You're trying to roll above your number, which is what? Three.

Three. Okay. Three or above? One four. One four. One success. Okay. You pick up a chain gun, but it's got some smoke coming out of it.

Good audio. All better. I'm a scientist. I repair it. Yeah, that fixed it. It's a Nintendo cartridge. As the door opens into Santa's workshop, all that you see here in the lobby,

it is completely unguarded. There is just a single elevator door that slides open. And from inside the elevator, you hear a PA system. And on it, you hear a voice that says, Oh, come on now. There's no need for all this. If you wanted to meet Santa Claus,

just wipe. Come on up. and the doors slide open. All right. Randy walks right onto the elevator. Yeah, I think I just keep on charge. That's a good thief. What about you, Cecilia?

I believe I will join them. I will back them up. Make sure no one's following them into the elevator. Except for you? No, I'll get in there too. Okay, the door slides shut behind you. You hear a voice kind of say, I can't believe it.

They just got right. The elevator door. Randy draws his sword. Cecilia Cox the rail gun. It's a chain gun. But it can be a rail gun. Would you rather have a rail gun? Okay, it's a rail gun.

And Dirk Cox's fists. We should make something clear. As you're in the elevator, can I suggest a topic of conversation for the three of you? You hear Fyodor's voice in your codec. You hear, baby. Hello, this is Fyodor. Can you hear me?

Yeah. Yes. I'm going to ask, and this would be a fun. topic of conversation as you're on this elevator right. Are you trying to beat Santa Claus ass or straight up murder Santa Claus? I'm looking at you with thermal imagery and it's again a feature of the sleigh with Christmas magic and it seems that you have a lot of murder weapons. It kind of seems like maybe we weren't on the same page.

I'm looking to punch and I think the boy's going to stab him and the scientist has a gun. I'm... Yes. I'm only going to stab him once. I'll only shoot him once, then. I'm going to punch him a bunch. Yeah, this... Bunches of punches.

You know what, guys? When I'm the... That's pretty nice of you. When I'm the new Santa Claus, I'm going to take real good care of you. Don't you worry, but... Whatever you want, put it in a list. Man to my house or my... mainly to my mom's house, I guess. I haven't thought about it.

Have you thought this out at all? Are they going to make me move up here? It's cold. I go school and stuff. He already has an infrastructure here. That's true. I don't make my teachers move up here. I'm saying, Claus, but they go.

The door of the elevator slides open, and you all are briefly stunned by a bright, warm light, and you see through the doors. You're standing in a large, mostly wooden room decorated with an outrageous amount of holiday trappings. There's lit candles, trees are garlanded, it smells like good-ass cookies in here. It's the room that you imagine Santa's workshop sort of looking like. This is it.

And sure enough, sitting at a desk in the center of the room, reading a long sheet of paper through these adorable Coke bottle glasses hanging on the tip of his nose, it's just a big jolly bearded fella with blush and cheeks in a jaunty red cap, it's it's him, it's Santa Claus. And he says, oh, oh, sorry for

the chilly reception, I'm afraid. You all have caught me on the busiest night of the year. Dirk just starts punching as he walks towards him. The sands are just oblivious. So what brings you to the North Pole? Children.

Bunches of punches. He's been practicing that for a while. It's not something I came up with. Our son, missed you at the department store. Why is he doing so many punches in the air? He wants a rock and sock him robot for Christmas and he's trying to show you.

But my son here would like to get up in your lap and tell you what he wants for Christmas. Apparently you have to get lines in real quick here. Let me get right in that lap. To stay real still, Santa. Dirk pauses for a second. And raise your chin like this, exposing the jugular. Yeah, close your eyes,

and I'm going to give you a big present. Randy, roll 3D6 for nice plus one with Cecilia's help here. Roll 4D6, you're trying to roll nice. So I'm trying to roll. You're trying to roll above your number, which is a two or above. Should be three, four, four, five. Oh, four.

Four. Well, it's a, I'm a bit busy, but this is, who would I be? if I said no to a youngster as, uh... That's right. Yeah, come on over. I know you. Randy Rand's Bottom, hop on up. You got...

Randy, have you been a good boy this year? I think if you've been a good boy this life is what you should be wondering. Randy... Give me a lot of Boondock Saints vibes, Randy. Randy? Randy. Yeah. Say, Randy.

Hey. I made apple cider come out of dad's nose. Randy. Now listen. Papa Derek, close your ears for a second. Let me see that fucking jelly. And I stab him in his stomach. With the sword that I brought.

You're prepared. Oh, I've been prepared for this for days. I think that's it. I think 2D6 naughty. I'm going to help by punching. Okay, yeah, 3D6, Nottie. Cecilia, are you helping with the... But didn't he already succeed?

No, he got close. I got close, so now I did it two or a one. I got a two. That's a partial success. You stab your... What is your sword? What kind of sword are we talking about? What kind of sword is it?

It's actually a big knife. It's a sword to him. To him, it's a sword. You stab it right. Isn't a sword just a big knife when you think about it? Thank you. That's what I've been saying. You stab it right in his gut, and he looks up.

up at you, Randy, and he looks at the two of you and says, Say, are the three of you here to beat my ass? And apparently to stab it. And this old time just keeps punching. He pulls, yeah, he pulls the knife out of his belly and accepts a few more punches from you and says, I suppose, will this make your Christmas wishes come true? Yeah, show me that ass, Santa.

He stands up. I'm gonna beat it. Excuse me, young Randy. Okay, here's my fanny. Give it a good kicking now. Punch, punch, punch, punch. I don't want to do this anymore. No.

I want to do it more and more. My child, Cecilia. How did dad get here? Cecilia, you've traveled all this way, who may as well get a good punch at ass. Get a good punch. I don't know why I became. You're fucking Carl from Aquitine Hunger Force now.

Cecilia, you'd feel so disappointed in yourself if you didn't get at least one good kick in. It's not too bad. Just go for it. It's pretty fine. One kick in the throat. One. He is so weakened by the flurry of blows

and big knife wound in his stomach that... And I got one of those blades in my shoe like Rosa Claude in James Bond movies. He walks back just blood gushing from his stomach and neck and goes and sits down and his chair again and says, well then, I suppose the three of you had better be on your chilly reception. I'm afraid you've caught me on the busiest night of the year. Damn, he's a real bit. And sure enough, he explodes in a shower of sparks. Should have seen this coming. And as he does so, a flash of electricity whips around the room, scorching the wooden walls and

sending the three of you crashing to the floor completely stunned. And there's a silence for a moment, And then you hear the rumbling of a hundred jet engines outside. And through the window, you see the snow on the freight yard quickly melt and slough off the side of this island, which you can now see as no island at all, but the hall of a massive flying vehicle. You feel yourselves pulled harder toward the ground as the ship launches upward, into the heavens toward the Aurora Borealis. And then you hear footsteps coming from the back of the room.

through your stupefied haze you see a tall, extremely muscular older gentleman wearing a thick brown fur-lined duster. He's got an eye patch and his beard is much more well-captained darker than the robot Santa you just vanquished. And he approaches the three of you with a big cigar in his mouth. And he takes it out and addresses the three of you stunned on the floor and says, looks like I need to go update the naughty list we'll be right back

this this buff grizzled solid Santa Claus is looming over the three of you still stunned on the ground and he's examining his exploded robot decoy I'm gonna move my laptop over here because I'm just looking actively away from the three of you right now

and it's a weird energy and he says You four have kicked a hornet's nest the size of which your minds could not ever even conceive Oh, I've seen some pretty big hornets nests. How big

we're talking? You've led an unlawful assault against a global superpower tonight, and for what? Randy Randsbottom, you son of a gun. I'm sorry, saying You think you have what it takes To wear the Santa Claus mantle

I don't know The santa. I'll get to you I didn't I didn't really think about it Beyond getting all the toys Well, son, in the future It's important you fully think it through

Before stabbing a man in the stomach Or a robot I'm a seven-year-old boy, so I probably got a good 30 years before I start thinking things through. Yes. 37's the age where you start stabbing. Yeah. And you, Cecilia, Scrooge, yes, I remember your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather, very well. I conned him out of his material wealth to help establish myself as an economic powerhouse.

And you never call. Fuck no. Ebenezer died exploited and penniless. Oh, ho! Sorry, those just come out sometime. And you, dear? He looks at his list. Derrick?

Which one is it? You're not really on the list, especially. Good. Dier-Rourke Jangles. Is that right? That's Dr. Derek Jangles. You, from what I understand, from my ears in the field, you're a bit upset that you've lost out on some Christmas presents?

That seems a petty... It's birthday. My birthday's on Christmas. Oh, that sucks. It's a tough put, Derek. Dr. Durk. Still, it seems like a silly reason to punch an old man

a hundred times. Do you not see, it's doctor. Doctor, whatever, anyway. Doctor K. Jingles. Dirk. It's me pseudonym, isn't it?

Wait a minute. I, I, I had a son named Dr. Kay Jingles. Yeah, Dad. You never remember me birthday. You always said it's Christmas, Derek. It was Chris, Chris Jr. He said, it's all, it's Christmas.

It's not your birthday. And you said it every goddamn year. Are you from New Zealand? No, what's going on? I was raised all over the place. My dad traveled along. A real army, brat. I remember you now, Dr. Kay.

I knew you never approved of my marine biology. Should have stayed with the family business, Dr. Kay. Anyway, I've got to go. It's Christmas Eve. I've heard that so many times. It would be rude to leave my guests alone, though, so I have a couple of friends who will look after you. Cecilia, you may be familiar with them. He takes a few step backwards onto a platform

that starts to raise up into the ceiling, And as it does, two figures come from the back of the room and begin approaching you. The first is a small ball of light that floats closer and closer to you. And the three of you can barely make out the shape of pixie wings and a flowing white dress as it approaches. Cecilia, you recognize this figure instantly as the ghost of Christmas pass. And on the other side of this elevator as it's raising up is just an eight-foot-tall grim reaper with a scythe and a bone face and everything.

It's the ghost of Christmas future, but the scary one from the super hard-ass productions of a Christmas scary. And as the platform disappears into the ceiling, you can see through the gap, the bridge of this massive flying vessel that now is soaring through the sky. And as Santa disappears, he yells, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. this hit squad approaches as the three of you are stunned on the floor, what do you do? Can you say, just for a pose?

Yeah, sure. Merry Christmas, all, and too, all good fight. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sorry. You're going to do all a good fight. Can we get it clean? Merry Christmas, all! Nope, clean. Merry Christmas.

Shit. Oh, damn it. Are we able to stand up? You feel just stunned on the ground by the blast of electricity. by Robot Santa, but maybe with a little bit of, I don't know, effort or Christmas magic.

Turk says, I believe. Cecilia says, I don't. Okay, well, agreed to disagree. Well, don't you know, if you don't believe in pixies, they die. Did you never see Peter Pan? Interesting. So, wait, you believe in that magic?

No, I don't believe in that magic. He's saying he doesn't believe in the magic. magic that will kill. Okay, hold on, wait. This is... Yeah, there's layers. This is a thinker. Okay.

He doesn't believe in fairies, which, coincidentally, makes them die. But... End of thought. That's the end of it. Uh, okay.

Is this a move your take? Are you actively not... I am actively not... believing in that pixie. That is... Yeah. Okay. Roll... Oh, Jesus, God.

I don't think it's naughty. I think this is nice, and I think that you would roll... Well, he's trying to kill it. Yeah. I want to help out. Okay, how are you helping out? Continuing to play Fortnite and not acknowledging her existence. Okay.

That makes me feel like nothing when my kids do it to me. Sure. All right, Travis has a point. When Goober is playing Fortnite. You're trying to kill this fairy. It is a naughty move, but you have 4D6 to roll a 3 or below. Here we go. Even I.

Even I. Three fours and a three. Okay, it's a partial success. You rolled 3 fourths. And a 3. You needed below or equal to. Oh, okay. Yes, this is a naughty move. You see the Pixie, the Ghost of Christmas Past, sort of

lose a little bit of her sort of her gate as she flew closer towards you. But you see her sort of hover away from you, Cecilia. But as you sort of have this sort of disruption of her pixie powers, you all three sort of feel this stupor begin to fade away. However, Dr. Kay Jingles, she approaches you and touches you on the forehead, and you are transported back into the path. back into a flashback memory. Tell me, Dr. K. Jingles,

now you're eight years old. What is Chris' birthday like? Christmas... Christmas... My birthday is a little. I like to do it. It's my birthday, isn't it? You see... Solid Santa Claus just sort of drop a stocking in your lap,

and it's got a pack of cigarettes in it. Daddy's busy. Ho! Ho! I know. I was just wondering if we could just have. have like, I don't know, meal together. Just you and me, see. Now, Dr. Kay, I've told you.

Listen, Daddy has to work tonight and then sleep for eight months. Oh! But just this once, Daddy, couldn't you say? August 23rd, I told you. I'll hit you up. August 23rd will go to Applebee's. You say that every year,

but then you wake up and you start, working again. Can we go to Applebeast anoint? Christmas Eve? Son? Yeah? They're not open. Go to Golden Corral. That's a whole other story.

My friend, my friend, Clint McElroy here has a point. I never liked him. Space janitor, friend of Santa Claus. Ghost of Christmas present. me with him every year and he falls asleep

drink of him charter. Randy, in the future times, the present times, you begin to feel your senses come back to you. You see Cecilia beginning to stir next to you and you see this pixie touching dirk, Derek, on Dr. Kay, on the forehead and you hear him

yelling about Applebee's. Applebyes. Meanwhile, this specter... Appleby! This specter of death is approaching you. What do you do, Randy? I'm gonna I'm gonna bite the pixie's head off

He's seven bud I don't know Do you know many seven year old boys He's seven he's gonna bite the pixies head off To be fair Just recently we went to a science museum And someone held out like a cricket To my three year old and said

Do you want to touch it? And my first thought was that thing's dead So this is what a seven year old would do This is about as naughty A move as I can imagine You are a What was your first tat?

You're a hacker Are you angry, dangerous, Mary or shrewd? I mean, Mary, I guess. To be fair, he's carrying around a sword So I'd also go with dangerous I would say dangerous is probably the more Afterstaking Okay, yeah, good.

Okay, I'll give you 2D6 on this naughty roll You need to roll a 2 or below I'm going to say I'm prepared compared to the pixie. I mean... Yes. Partially because she's very small and also she is deep in this psychomantus trance. No one expects a seven-year-old boy to bite their head off.

Sure. 3D6 then. Am I not helping? How, Glant? I help. Am I not helping? How? I weakened her already by not believing.

John would not believe in her more. Four D-6. I don't believe her. I don't believe in pixies. So I need a two or a one? Is that right to bite this little guy's head off? All right. It did not happen for us this time.

You put your mouth, but she's way sturdier. She's chewy. And you feel this like electric explosion in your mouth. And all of a sudden, you're in the womb. You're having a zygote. And it's very psychologically. troubling. Cecilia, you see

Little Randy with his mouth trying to chew through this extremely sturdy pixie and you see a Derek who's now screaming about Applebee's... I think we're all relieved it didn't work, aren't we? Yeah, because I would have gotten

shit because of my brand and the way that it has been corrupted. Cecilia. It's not even on my mind. This is the last turn where I will say this. The Spectre of Death is approaching, but not yet upon you. What do you do?

I believe I'm going to use the chain rail gun. Oh shit. And blast its head off. Okay. Wait, death or fairy? Well, it's a little close

to Randy's mouth, so I'm worried about his orthodontist bills if I shot there. So why don't I just shoot the specter of death? Okay. Would that be all right with that? This is quite naughty, but you are prepared.

You have the weapon. And you're a scientist. This is a very scientific device that you have salvage. 3D6 to be naughty. You want to roll a three or below. Here we go. Maybe this is it. You be kai, specter of death.

Three or below. I rolled a three. That's a partial success. You... How partially can you blow somebody's head off? you get a few good rail bullets into this guy and you see just this black smog just come pouring off of him as you blast him and as you do you realize that it's just a guy

it's just a guy in there sort of just sort of skinny average build guy and they're sort of a he's not Jeff Gordon but he's like of Jeff Gordon sort of sort of build in size but he's just covered in shakablock and nanomachine and you've blasted his nanomachines that were forming this hologram death mask on him. It was so cool. But all that's gone now, and it's just sort of a guy, and he's like, oh, should I just go?

I don't have my... Yes, yes, you shot all my nanomachines. I know, and I'm so sorry, but in the moment, it seemed like a thing to do, so why don't you leave? I don't want that kid to try and bite me. No, he won't bite your head off, no, he won't. Randy is going through some things.

So, Spit spot. I can't say no to that. And he just walks out of the room. I won. I guess. Dirk, you're sitting at Applebee's. It's August 23rd, I think I said.

Santa's there. He's grizzled. He has an eye patch. He's showing a lot of chest hair. Hurry up in order, son. Oh, ho. I hear the blooming whatever they have here is good. Oh, ho!

I am going to say that eight-year-old Derek, Dr. K. Yes. Is awash with anger. This is the beginning of his anger problems. Okay. But I would say that at this point, that anger is far stronger than it ever was for eight-year-old Dr. K. It's swelling inside him. Okay.

This is an adult's anger in an eight-year-old body. Right. Okay. And I'm going to say that it's going to fight to snap him out. Okay, okay. Roll, is this naughty or nice? I feel like this is a, it feels nice to me. Is it naughty?

You guys are useless. Staying calm is naughty. How is that true? I don't fucking know, man. I didn't make the game. So you, I mean, this is your memory. You're prepared for this. Roll 2D6, naughty.

Five or above. Here we go. or five or below. Here we go. Rules are tough. That's a one and a three. That's a double success. You see him vanish as he reaches over

to eat your appetizers and weird little jello shot dessert. You come to and you see you are right face to face with Randy who still has a pixie casting magic. And Dirk grabs the pixie. Okay.

She says, Oh my God, thank you. Holy shit. And Dirk opens one of Santa. How many moves does he get in a row? This is all the same moves. This is all good. Dirk opens the desk or a fake Santa's desk

and puts the fairy in there and closes the desk room. Okay, that's easy. Yeah, that's no problem. You've done that a lot. You're prepared and it's easy. Dirk has his own desk at home where it keeps all of his papers about marine biology. That he's stolen.

Dirk jingles. Gentlemen, Marine Biologist. Oh, he's left his calling card again. A whale. I spilled a lot of white claw on my pants earlier, and I tried to play it off. But I wanted to get it out there, because it's starting to, I'm starting to realize when I stand up to leave the stage at the end of the show, it's going to look like I did a big pee. We're a fucking disaster up here. The platform that Santa Claus just went up into the bridge lowers down to the floor, beckoning the three of you to get on it.

get on it. So you can get to the next room I've prepared for you. We do that. Theodore, you hear him come through the codex. You should get on the elevator. I'm getting cold. The Christmas magic is wearing off. I get on the platform.

At this point, just huffing with anger. Just raging. Raging. Okay, calm down. Holy shit. You don't understand. I was at an applebees. On Christmas Eve?

Yeah. I can imagine nothing sadder than going to a chain restaurant on Christmas Eve. It was actually August 23rd. Is that Arbor Day Eve? Nope. Randy, are you okay, my boy? Thank you so much. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

The money took like that. I spent so much on four nights. I'm so sorry. You all step onto the platform, raising up into the bridge. It's a surprisingly small, compartment overlooking the freight yard, which has been emptied out as the ship took flight, save for a few crates securely strapped to the deck of the airship. You have just a moment to get your bearings in this room before a bright light from outside fills the bridge, and as your

eyes adjust, you see the source of this light. It's coming from a 15-foot-tall, bipedal-meck, sleek and futuristic, armed with missiles and flack cannons all trained in your direction. And from it, you hear a voice say, Oh! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! You four are big. becoming a real thorn in my three are becoming a real... I was counting Fyodor. I was counting Clint McElroy. I was counting the spirit of Clint

McElroy. My old assistant, you son of a gun. I sense you there, your phantasmal energy, guiding our heroes tonight. Anyway, you're becoming a real

thorn in my son. What do you think you're going to accomplish tonight? Well, I was going to be the new sand cause because I thought that if I beat the sand cause as ass. That's how it works, yes. It needs to be the new sand cause, so I'm fixing it and beat sand cause as ass. Young Randy, do you know what would happen to the global economy if you beat my ass? The instability you'd bring to all world governments? That's right. It's been in front of you all along.

the big conspiracy. My workshop is a big artificial intelligence that pulls the strings behind all world powers and I'm at sole keeper. It's been a big cover-up the whole time. And you didn't even notice, you sheep. You thought the government was real? It was a lie sold to you by corporations,

which I also am in control of with my big AI. Right, so I'm Randy Rainsbaugh. I was thinking that if I beat your ass, did I get to be Santa Claus? Yeah, Randy, but I just did a whole thing about why that's not a good idea. I have no frame of reference for literally anything you just said. Randy, I would like to point out something to you. Okay, go for it. I have come to believe in your cause, more than my own phony-bloney reasoned backstory

that I came up with before we started the show. I robbed your great-great-grandfather, so he died. But you've turned into him. So I win. So. Whoa, twist. That's wild. I forgot how when you steal someone's possessions, you become them.

I think he means broadly speaking. That's a real literal interpretation of what Dad said. I mean, I think Dad means in a holistic sense by forgetting his altruistic. Absolutely power corrupts absolutely. Thank you, yes. We've all learned something here tonight. That's our time. Wow. Thanks, everybody.

Thank you, Chicago Theater. Good night. I thought he was really leaving. No, he dropped his paper. Now, Randy, here's what I want you to think about. Your concept of being Santa Claus. I know it's your dream. Because you want all the toys.

But Santa gives away all the toys. I know. I do keep quite a few for myself. I knew it. You piece of shit. knew it. Randy. Randy, that's three.

You can tell, you can tell Mama about that when I don't care. I earned it. I run all governments and corporations and I've also got Mad Stretch Armstrongs. That's it.

Time to practice my special skill on you. Hacking. And I pull out my sword. And that counts. Randy, I have missiles. And I did come up with

that line during intermission so it is prepared. So that's an extra die. You're not gonna blow up a seven-year-old. Them's facts. You know him to guts. Randy? Yep.

Do you know how many people have come here trying to beat Santa Claus' ass before the three of you? 14. Randy. 40. 40. The meck kicks one of the crates and just fucking 300 skeletons just fall out. Randy, you don't know what I'm capable of.

I kept their bones as a trophy. It knows. Good question. That's what the gifts are made out of. No, the gifts are people. Evergreen is people. So that's 2D6. I will also say you are being very dangerous right now. So 3D6 being naughty how, Dr. Kay.

Dad. Your son? I came here to get one thing. My ass beaten. Closure. And now I realized that the best. way to beat you. Yes.

Is to join you. I've decided to follow in the family business. Son, I've been waiting for this. Get it, Randy. Randy, roll 4D6, naughty. You have to roll

a two or a one. God, hey, you've been rolling mostly naughty this whole time. Your stats should have been different. Yeah. That's all right. Here we go. Um, I, say, and I only came here for one thing. Yeah.

Open sure. It's the opposite of closure. But with a sword. He's only seven. I got two twos. That's a full success. It's slow motion now and just a massive missile launcher appears on this big mex shoulder and fires in slow motion at the three of you. Randy, what happens next?

You're in control. Take the rudder. I raise my hand. I say, there is no missile. And then I turn it around and I fire it at Santa at this rocket, at this big robot that he's got. And then why he, that is happening, I also stab him a lot of the times with his, in the legs of his big robot with my sword. It's adorable, but also extremely painful for the robot. Right.

assuming the robot has pain. It does, unfortunately. I don't know why Santa built him that way. But he's a skeleton collector, so we can't really know why he does much of anything. Okay, the rest of you just see Randy hold up his hand and telekinetically launch the missile. Back at the Santa Meck, and then he's just gone. And Dirk just says, it's happening. He's becoming Santa.

Mr. Ransbado. The missile is enough to take a hunk out of the flying workshop, which immediately begins to crash downward into the Arctic Sea. And the mech is disabled down on the floor, just like laying there, shooting out sparks and smoke. But you still see Randy just stabbing its prone legs over and over and over again with a big knife. Santa says, I'm down. That's right, John. Let me see that ass.

And Cecilia kicks off her shoes. Okay. Because she prepared for this very moment. They stick into the wall because there's blades in them. No, she kicked off the blade shoe. It was really killing her. But one of her toes... What the fuck are you about to say, Matt?

Due to all of her scientific research, she... She perfected this. She got cybernetic toes, Matt? She has toes that are secretly missiles, too. That's right. They're missile toes. They're standing. They're standing.

Hey, why are you all clapping? You paid money to hear that joke. You did open the door with missiles. Okay. And I had referred to her feet before. That's wild. We established she had feet. Basically, the door was wide open.

If the podcast stenographer could read back the bit about her feet. No, stenographer, you're fired. All right. I don't even make you roll. Your fucking toes blast off through the window of the bridge exploding the already downed mech knocking the entire front half of the airship

off falling into the ocean. What is that rolling for? You don't have to roll. Your toes turned into fucking missiles, Matt. That's not naughty or nice. You're on in... To be fair, it would be great if he rolled and failed

and he had spent all that time converting his toes to missiles for nothing. I got a standing no. I don't care about the damn roll. This is, this action, Clint, is on a completely different axis than the one we have been working off of this game. So anyway, the workshop crashes into an iceberg. The mech slides off the side. And now the three of you are standing.

standing in the shattered freight yard, smoke and fire everywhere. It's climactic as shit. And Santa stands up from the rubble and throws off his duster, just revealing his rippling shirtless bod. And he pulls out a samurai sword from somewhere. And he says, You three have jeopardized the balance of the entire world. this big government conspiracy.

It's so big, you guys. You can't stop it. You can't stop me. And he dashes in your direction. Dirk whistles very loudly. Summoning his narwhal friend. And an epic sword fight ensues. He brings the... I'm sorry, son.

He brings the katana down on you, and it stops in mid-air, and you hear it cling? And just a fucking horn or a tooth as somebody corrected me online comes into the blow and stops it and you hear the whales say take that dad

it looks like marine biology paid off didn't it and I punch him in his roasted nuts do you really want to end this episode hold on shh do you really want to end the episode

by punching Santa in the penis Let me just say it's on the opposite end of the pelvis that you all sort of set out to endanger at the beginning. So I'm gonna offer you another chance. Are you sure you wanna punch your dad, Santa Claus, and the penis? Or... No, you know what? You're right.

The Norwal stops the blade. Dirk is gonna try to slide betwixt his legs to get a better shot at that ass. This is a thievery maneuver. You've been prepared for this since that fateful night at Applebee's. Is anybody helping out? The narwhal, 4D6.

You're punching your dad, Santa Claus, on Christmas Eve. Yes. A full success. No, wait, you wanted to roll under. Oh, I also got a three and a four. Two successes to describe what this decisive butt punch looks like.

slides underneath and you see the two hands and say naughty list. Snoddy. No. He has the two fists that say naughty list and he punches one in both cheeks. And it's really satisfying. He has a nice, meaty clunk

to the point where it lives Santa Claus off the ground and he goes flying through the air. Time freezes as you hold your father in the air with your two fists by the butt cheeks. The moonlight shines down on this incredible moment.

And I say, Randy, for you. And sure enough, as you hold your father by the butt cheeks in the air, he screams in pain

and a small white ball of light comes out of his open mouth and begins to hover towards Randy Rand's bottom. Randy, this ball of light

seems to be asking Randy has walked away. He forgot what he was doing and he lost interest and he walked away. He's just not there anymore. Jeff Gordon. Jeff, what do you think?

I mean, I'll be Santa Claus if the kid doesn't want to be Santa Claus. Are you sure, kid? He's gone. He's halfway back home. Just wanted to do something else. That got boring and he decided to do something else.

We cut seven. We cut to a few. or giving Randy a ride home, just like, are you sure we just left everyone back there? Are they going to be okay? I don't remember anything about them. I'm seven years old. That's a good point.

I like you here. Let's get you home safe. It's Christmas Eve. I don't remember this forever. Probably not. You're on your phone literally right now as I'm speaking to you. We're in a magic Christmas sleigh and you're playing...

Please keep it down. All right. I'm on a kill streak. I need you to keep it down. Okay, Randy. Back on top of the crashed freighter. Jeff Gordon says, are y'all sure? I can...

Are you sure you want me, Jeff Gordon, Cecilia? Think about it. Listen, you can fly. Yep. You're very fast. You're very fast. I can eat light and turn it into power. We eat light and turn it into power.

You can haul all these grown men and a sleigh. Yep. So all of these things that I've been trying to disprove my whole life, you have proven to be true Jeff Gordon Okay He's awesome Wait, Jeff Gordon doesn't suck, does he? Oh, I don't know

I didn't do my research This didn't happen until I was on stage anyway Oh He's He's also already got the initials I see Seth Gordon now You see him take on the appearance

Of the jolly old St. Nick As solid Santa falls to the ground So sad. Off of my fists. Off of your fists. He falls down quite a waste because he were holding his butt in the air. He's unconscious or dead.

Who gives a shit? Santa Jeff Gordon looks at the two of you and says, all right y'all, it is still Christmas Eve. You blew up the ship a couple times. Your feet turned into rockets. That was wild. Thank you for noticing. I do still think we do need to get presents to most of the kids around the globe.

Anyone got any ideas? Would they like reindeer parts? So we've got a whole shitload of those. There's, hold on, let me run the numbers. 1.9 billion kids. So probably not enough to... Maybe just a bunch of Jeff Gordon's signatures. Now we're talking.

Do you have posters, Gravignol? anything? He signs a bunch of adventure zone. Well, I have a book that's going to please the whole family. It's full of adventure, intrigue, lewd comedy, all kinds of good stuff. The Bible? Yes. It's our third graphic novel.

I'm Jeff Gordon, kids. Enjoy my signed Bibles. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Thank you all for coming to the adventure. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience supported.