The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Just Us

Episode Date: February 25, 2021

We didn’t get to record at our usual time due to weather and power outages, so in lieu of a regular episode this week, we dug into the archives and found TAZ: Just Us, a live show Travis GM'd in 2019 in Atlanta!For this show we played SuperNormal (designed by Ursidice), and our crew of super heroes attended just your average, every day company picnic. Of course, trying not to blow your secret identity is tough, especially when you can't control your super-strength enough to squeeze ketchup onto a hotdog.Super Normal by Ursidice: https://ursidice.com/supernormal/The music in this episode by audionautix.com. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

to the Adventures Star PM for the evening. And it feels really weird to be sitting on this side. Feels great over it. Feels fucking phenomenal over here. Oh my God. It's fun, right?

I have been so regular today just knowing that I wasn't going to be in that seat tonight. This is why, Griffin, if you're wondering why dad and I always roll in five minutes before and are just like, Joanne, which way of the state? Yeah. That's why, because it's nothing, me.

Just come out. Fart, fart, boner, whatever. I also apologize that we weren't able to dress in costume for the show. So, we're playing a new game tonight that I'm very excited to play. Thank you.

The game is called Super Normal. If you don't know, basically how it works is they are all superheroes except for the course of events in the game. they will be in their secret identity form trying not to out themselves as heroes. As they do, like, everyday tasks.

And so we are calling this game Adventure Zone Just Us. Thank you. I was very proud of that. He was on the call. He said, guys, wait, you hear what I'm very proud of. Yes. And the way that it works, so we'll do the mechanics and stuff when we get to him. But basically the way that it works is whenever they do something super, right, it's easy to do. And when they want to show off, it's a little bit harder.

And when they want to blend in and be normal, it's really hard for it to work. Statistically impossible. So, are you ready to begin the game? It's a beautiful Saturday morning in Town City, USA. And it's time once again for the annual Big Company Inc. Company Picnic. That's right. We've apparently introduced Sadlibs into the adventure. Now, as you are all citizens of town today, I don't have to tell you, that Big Company, Inc.

is the number one employer in town with branches in just about every industry imaginable. Every year, the higher-ups get all of the employees together for a day of fun, frivolity, and friendly competition. All of the employees are beginning to file in, and that includes you all. But you're not just employees at Big Company Inc. You are superheroes. So, yes. Let's hear it for the idea of superheroes. We invented it.

So, introduce us to your characters both as their sacred identities and as their superheroes. We'll start with Griffin because he's right there. I'm Hell Raven. I submerged my foes into a pool, a deep pool of terror. Using my powers, shape-shifting, mind control, and animal-friendly. Oh, I should also mention all of them have near invincibility. I'm nearly invincible also. Super reflexes.

I'm really reflexive and strong. Okay, and strong, yes. Okay. And what is your, so Hell Raven is your character name or is your superhero. What is your, like, regular name? I work in party planning for BCI. And my name is Del Craven. It's my name.

Okay. Father? Well, my name is Pep Sturdly, and I run the... Did you say Peps Turdly? I got him. Pep Sturdly. And Pep runs the daycare center at the... At the office.

Yes, taking care of the little ones. When I DM, I get very combative with the crowd. But Pep has a secret identity. superhero name is Doc Pantheon. Okay. With the powers and abilities of the heroes and gods and goddesses of legend. He

has the wisdom of Osiris, the speed of Hermes, the control of time of Saturn, the fire of Hephaestus, the flight of Icarus, the telepathy of Tengian. And he activates these powers by saying his magic word, which we'll say for later in the podcast. Now,

I know what you're thinking. That seems like lot of powers. And it is, but it was a really funny joke, so I let Dad have that. Okay, and Justin, they know me. Don't say it's a me, it's out of it. You need to say it in your normal, Justin voice,

just for a baseline. Opera man. Now, do you want to address the elephant in the room, Justin? Which is, what was that accent you were trying to do? It's accent from nowhere, so I can't hear anything. with how bad my accent is.

And yes, I am opera man. There is an existing opera man. I'm the other opera man. Which, if you look at my cape, it does say the other opera man. It says the other opera man. So shouldn't your shirt say oom? Shouldn't it be other, sorry.

Should your shirt say oof? Finally, Griffin's one-up dad. So, all the employees have arrived and the CEO of big company... Wait, wait, wait, wait, what's uppermann's real name? Oh. Oh, uh, yes. Opera man, my name is Joe Lanchapel. I have a forklift of Foreman, and I do not know anything about the opera.

It's a secret. It's a secret for me. Your opera man is a lot like your Amelie when I'm hearing that. It's a different. It's like if Amelie and Mario had a child. And he'll be the opera. Oh, you love of the opera. It's a secret.

I think I'm going to make that my ringtone once we're done recording. Okay, so all the employees have arrived. The CEO of Big Company, Inc. Roger Big Company the Fourth takes the stage to address the crowd. Hello employees, or should I say, peons? Just a joke. We're so happy you could join us today for our mandatory annual company picnic. It's been another great. great year for Big Company, Inc.

We've expanded into 14 new industries, including label makers, organic peanut butter, and mobile gaming. But enough about work, it's time for fun. There's an all-you-can-eat hot dog buffet with delicious big company

brand hot dogs and a bunch of kegs of big company buds. There's a bouncy castle for the kids, and we also have a special guest today, who's going to be joining us later, very exciting. But first, we have lots of great events planned, and of course, today's overall winner gets a $5,000 price package. Wait, not enough but package.

So, without any further ado, let the games begin. So we have some events planned for you guys to compete in, but before we do that, do you want to, like, grab some food? Maybe check out the bouncy castle. What does Del Craven do upon arriving at the big company picnic? I think being involved with party planning as Del Craven is a big company ink, he had a hand in this picnic. So I think he's over by the hot dog stand and he has a little headset in. And he's like,

What do you mean you only bought six gluten-free buns? That's not very many buns, Kevin. I am sorry, sorry. I don't know how many people are going to be a day. Because it's in the headset. I didn't know how many people are going to be... I said, don't worry about it, Kevin. And then a bird attacks Kevin from the sky somewhere.

Okay, Griffin, make a roll. This is showing off, right? Yes. Okay. So, Griffin's going to roll two pieces. We're on the phone, though. So this is no witness. Nobody's going to know I sick to this bird on.

But it might kill Kevin. That's a six. So there is a super glitch. There is a super glitch. Um, yeah. He just hears under my breath. Oh, good. Okay, Kevin.

Scree. Okay. The glitch I'm going to go with is that it occurs with an unexpected level of force, and Kevin is not unconscious. We see. A barn owl scoops up, Kevin, and he flies on it. Kevin.

I've been taking my birth. All right. I'll send out another runner. Okay, what does Pep do upon arriving? I think Pep will just, he really wants to stay away as far as he can from the bouncy castle. Because he runs the daycare center every day. Yeah. You know, and he's got to be real, and he is so sick of these kids.

Right. He just, and he's really worried about, you know, because they've all got runny noses and they're all, you know, and he doesn't want to get anywhere around the, the bouncey. bouncy castle. Yeah, kids, the worst. Yeah. This definitely wasn't your reality backstage four minutes ago.

No. And so, Pep is just making sure he's clear on the other side of, where are we having this? At Big Company Park. At Big Company Park. It's named after the Big Company family, not the Big Company Company Company.

It's important to note. The Big Company's donated the land for Big Company Park. It's not affiliated with Big Company, Inc. Okay. Then he is over on the site near the Memorial Fountain The one for Hezekiah.

Roger Big Company, the first. Yeah, Hezekiah. That's not his name. No, that was his middle name. That was his nickname. Why is this the Hesica? Big company. So he's over there near the statue and...

Oh, but look. And looks over to the side and notices this really big owl carrying some dude. Yeah. That's weird. Oh, but look. It's the only... kid you seem to like out of the daycare center coming to visit you, it's a little four-year-old Billy.

Aw. How old, Mr. Turley? Hi. Hi, Billy. You want a Kleenex? No. I'm not thinking I have very good personal hygiene. Okay, not so much. You and I both know I don't have a running nose. It's a funny joke, Mr. Dorley.

Just kidding, kid. It's so good to see you. What's your name again? Billy? Billie. Mr. Stowe will you give me a hot dog? A hot dog. A hot dog for Billy?

Mr. Dowie? Sure. I want ketchup. Ketchup. Okay, I'll get you some ketchup. And sun chips! And you want slim jims on your hot dog? Sun chips.

Okay, I'll give you the sun chips. I'd really like to see you eat the slim gym because that would be, no, that would be terrible. Yeah, I'll get your hot dog. Thank you, Mr. Dole. And you stay away from the water in the fountain, okay? Yes, Mr. Joey. Okay. So, Pep makes his way

to the hot dog stand to get a hot dog for Billy. Okay, I'm going to need you to roll to squeeze the ketchup bottle. You're going to roll three D-6s. Unless you want to show off with the hot dog bottle. No, no, no. I'll just squeeze the hot dog. Oh, my God. Holy shit, he did it.

What do you want? Five. Oh, nice. Low is good. Low is good. Yeah, glow is good. This game is going to work for me if low is good. You squeeze the perfect amount of normal person ketchup onto a hot time.

Everybody around looks at everyone and goes, that is a normal amount of ketchup. That's right. Hey, Pepp, way to squeeze a normal amount of ketchup on that hot dog. Go on, y'all. You're just joshing me. Oh, no, Pep, you're a real regular sell and so. Did you invent ketchup? Well, I invented cat soup, if you want to say it correctly.

Oh, Pep, that's a regular joke, all right. Just a good old-fashioned normal American joke. Just all-American. And then I assume you return it to Billy. Okay. Here, Billy, wait a minute. Look at the ketchup. That's a normal man of ketchup, Mrs. Dewey.

They're perfectly normal. Is that not the best? I'm very impressed by your normalcy. If you have another one, I'll write your name in ketchup. That seems like showing off. Yep, so I've already rolled, so I'm not going to do that. Okay. And he goes off enjoying his hot-ed dog.

Now, Joe Lunchbiel. Yes. What are you doing? Live your life. Joe Lunchbail is squeezing his second container of cheese whiz onto a plate and loudly announcing, I love it this stuff. Just like you guys, right?

I'm crazy for it. This is real cheese. I love it this stuff. I'm going to have you roll to blend in to eat the cheese whiz. He's not going to eat the cheese whiz. Come on. He's not going to sell it.

It's still upper man's body. He's not going to sell the upper man's body. Oh, but here comes. If you have a nice chef. Here comes one of your loading. co-workers, Beryl Armstrong. Oh, and he's a toughest nails, big old

so-and-so. Hello, Barrel! Did you hear the new single by Tubertsky? I'm loving it, right? Yeah. That guy, oh, he's a good... Remind me, how does it start? You walk, I mean, I

have, yeah, I had used, you walked in. Well, if I remember correctly, it starts like this. Take it, I'll harmonize. I've had a cool. I'm loaded and so is my gun. Then what is the next part? I'm loving the next part.

Yes, and then it goes, I don't know why I'm doing it. And then he says, my gun, I'm driving all the way, it's not safe, because I'm out here looking for dangerous as fun. I love it, I love this track, yeah? It gets me moving. Oh, yeah.

Are you gonna, oh, cheese whiz. Yeah, I love that stuff. I love this stuff just like you. Yeah? Cheers, my man. Let's eat some whiz. With our, um, with our mouths, right? Yeah.

All right, all right, all right. Our normal Joe mouths. Ooh. Yeah, just, um. On three. Let me get the fork. Let me get a fork for it. Yeah, my dude.

No. a way to eat the whiz. All right, are you ready, my dude? I feel like it's superhuman to be able to eat cheese whiz. Is that, if you can tell me which of your superpowers you are using to eat cheese whiz, I will allow it. Oh, okay, astral projection because he's pretending he's anywhere else. Okay.

Roll 1D6. It's a six. Okay. That's bad. There's a super glitch involved with eating this cheese with. Well, I guess it's all with the astral projection. So you all know, one to five works fine. Six to 11, there is a super glitch.

And 12 to 18, the action is supercharged beyond your control. So six was the only one on here that would fuck me. You go to activate your power, and there's a surge of power within you. That basically, as your spirit attempts to leave your body, knocks you unconscious from the, a whiz. Just for a minute, but just enough the barrel kind of laughs over like, oh, can't hold his whiz. Yeah, sometimes that whiz goes straight to your head, my man, I've been there. And as he rouse back to consciousness, he helps you back up and says,

let's get you one of those big company buds. So our first event we've got coming up here, we have the petting zoo that has kind of an amateur like amateur, like, cattle wrestling, but it's like, you know, little piglets that they're trying to get into their little pin and they're timing it. And Dell, you're up, trying to get these little piglets into their little sty.

And it's cute, but the stakes are high. Most... Sidebar. Yeah? Most of my experience is avian in nature. Yes, but to be fair, your power is animal, and let me check my details.

Yep, pigs are animals. Okay. What's that? Yes? Pigs are animals. Thank you, Paul. Paul did a quick Google. Turns out, pigs is animals.

Paul, Paul, real quick. Can pigs be birds? Can pigs fly? Ah. All right, so what's... Okay, I really don't know. No. You're up against...

a woman from accounting name Emily Pemberley. Okay. And Emily Pemberley, well, quite a tapestry you've woven in her truck. She has some experience. Okay, she grew up on a farm. Oh, she's going to kick my ass then. She grew up on a farm with three brothers and eight sisters. She was the youngest.

But she always managed to get the attention she needed. And that was because she was an amazing pig wrestler. Okay. I don't think that's the right time. No, it is. She also stole pigs. She has a troubled past, Emily Pemberley does. Okay.

Well, howdy? Hey, Dale. Oh, let's have a nice friendly competition. I promise not to steal any of your pigs. You know the stories. I can't believe you're making jokes about that already, Pimbley. Well, I mean, that was back of my troubled youth when I stole all them pigs. But you just got out, Emily.

Yeah, but now, you know, if you can't joke about it, it, right? That it means you're too close to it. I've taken a step back from it. I've distanced myself from a pig stealing ways. Cool. I feel like this event was, did you book this event? Did you make this one? Okay. Maybe. And Emily goes first, and her time is very good. I don't know what a good time is. I guess I could have done some research into getting pigs in a cell or whatever. I did But it's good. It's like eight.

Wow. Yeah, it's really good. That's good for rodeo and for pig getting. All right. Let me add them, coach. Okay, so do you want to use your power? Do you want to use your power but show off, or do you want to use your power and blend in?

I step into that muddy mess that we call the pig arena. Yep. And I let the pig run around my feet. I think about that. talking to it. But that's undignified. I'm more of a bird guy. So I kind of half-heartedly like,

oh, no, this one's really getting away from Del Graven. And then I'm going to mind-control Emily to steal the pig. It's kind of... Okay. And here we are. I'm not going to talk to a pig. No, instead you'd rather control a human being's free will. I'm Hell Raven.

Okay, so I guess roll to do your super? So that's one? Yeah. Hell yeah. That's a two. You do it. Good job, though.

Now tell me about what it looks like as you activate your power and how it affects Emily. I probably make a half-hearted attempt to like grab the pig but I fall face down in the mud, which looks embarrassing, but really it's so people can't hear

the incantation. And how does that go? Who will Emily get the pig? I'm almost terrified to ask this question. It's always Emily get the pig every time. It's just weird that this one time, that's explicitly the order I'm trying to declare.

That's really weird. It's like having a mantra. It doesn't matter what it says. It's just, remember the pig. It's mainly a pig. Okay. It's not like a subtle, like her eyes glaze over and she slowly walks over and gets the pig.

It's like she's been stricken with some sort of rage virus and like smashes through the fence and like gets that pig. And I'm like, oh no, she's disqualified, right? She's disqualified? She is, let me check with the judge. Yes, she is disqualified. Thank you, Paul. Yeah, the pig rodeo judges that they've employed

for this competition. I hate to see that. And it looks like, Dale Craven, has won this competition. No, please. No. I didn't want to win like this. Emily's my friend.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. Now, coming up next, yeah. Pep, you are entered in the three-legged race. Alongside, what other funny nicknames do I have? Alongside Ving Ringer. Vinging is your partner. And he runs a different arrival daycare.

There's a lot of employees. They can't just have one daycare. This is the night care for the night employees' kids. For all those people who leave their kids at night. Yeah. Hey, wake up. Wake up. Daddy's going to work and you're coming with me.

Let me stay at home. Let me stay at home. No, put Dolly down. It's nighttime and you're coming to work with me. When am I even supposed to sleep? Yeah. I have to answer that question every day. So you're already strapped together, and Ving looks at you and says,

hey, listen, man, I won this competition 10 years running. Don't fuck this up. Like you do everything. Sturred. Sturred the turd. Sturt the turd. Thank you. Thanks, Joe.

That was a sick burn. That's what I'm here for. I swear, stirred the turn. you go down, I'm dragging your body behind me. Because we'll be tied together at the leg if that wasn't clear. You know, Ving, a positive attitude is the best

power to have. Fuck off, Sturt. I mean, if people had power, you know. If people had powers, I don't have powers. Because I'm just Pep Sturdly. I mean, there are people that do have powers. They're called superheroes and they exist in this world. Really?

Yeah. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'll try not to let you down, thing. You and I both know that I live my life trying to live up to my hero, Doc Pantheon. Oh, what a quiz. Yes, I invented the bully who likes the superhero alter ego.

Well, you know, that's a goal and aspiration we can all aspire to. An aspiration, we can all aspire to. We can all aspiration. for a goal. And you know what? I won't let you down. But you know what?

Even if we do, you know, it's important to try and stay in school. And don't take drugs, kids. If you fuck this up, I'm going to fart on you. Hey, let me check my powers. Okay. And all the contestants have lined up.

The, I don't know, three-legged race of fish, yet, raises the starter pistol into the air. He's just a dude with three legs. Okay. He's going to use his, he's going to use a superpower. Okay. To show off, to blend in, or to be super.

To be super. Now, you don't. Wait, wait, wait. He's going to use the telepathy of Tim Jen to know right before the second when the guy is going to say go. So you can go. So he can go. I'm actually going to say that is to show off.

Because if you are to use your superpower, that would be like if you're trying to be your superhero alter ego. Well, I really want this guy to like me. I want Ving's friend. Hey, listen, we all want Ving to like us. He's like the coolest guy in the company. He's clearly super cool. And he farts on you if you fall down.

He's a real 80s movie villain. So Cobra Kai, I'm going to use my telepathy. I know before he pulls the, before he pulls the turks, on the starter gun. Okay. So I can get a little bit of an edge to win the race. Roll 2D6. 2D6.

Yes. That would be a 6 and a 3, which is a 9. That is a 9. So there is a super glitch. Yep. So you are able to do it, but unfortunately you anticipated a little too much, and you start to go before it's pulled, before Ving is ready, and you trip him, and Vang falls down. Oh, shit.

Oh, no. And I assume I assume Pep falls down too. He's tied to him, right? Yeah, you both go down. And it would almost be funny, but it's not funny. But you know what? It's very serious because Ving is angry.

And Pep looks at Ving and says, gosh, get up! I'm really, I'm really, we could still win this. I'm sorry, Ving, that's... It's not done yet. Why are you, get up? No, I just feel really bad.

I let you down, Bing is up and starts dragging you along. And you know, Bing. Oh, hey, I got, Okay, Ving. Get up! You know, Ving, listen,

I just wanted to say, Oh, my God. I guess there's no way your pal, Doc Pantheon would ever let you down like this. He never would. He's a hero.

Not like you. You're a zero. That's right. I am. Why are you stroking your beard? You creeper? You're creeping me out. I got mud on it

from when we fell. Okay. That does make sense. You've got me there, sirs. All right, and so you, needless to say, you lost that one. You blew it. You blew it. No, I protected my secret identity.

How did I blow it? Well, I guess in that way, you won. But in the three-legged race kind of way, you lost. Ah, fuck Bing. He has a lot going on that makes him act out the way that he does. He has issues he's working through. It's a self-confidence day, and he projects. He makes fun of you because he's worried about himself.

So maybe you're the jerk. No doubt. But I'm an ordinary jerk with no superpower. Yeah, the way you fell down. That's a real normal way to lose a three-legged race. All right, Joe. Yes. I keep forgetting all about you.

It is time. for the very challenging hide-and-go-seek competition. Ah, yes. Yes. Yes. Everyone else has already gone, and they successfully found the seven other combatants, and now it's your turn.

Combatants, it's high and go-seek. If you are not found, you are killed. I believe the word I was looking for was, contestants. So, you are up. You have closed your eyes. You've counted to 100. I'm searching for them?

Yes. What do you do? Well, I mean, do I see him? Okay, to be fair, you do see Derek Erickson. He's really bad at Hyde and go see. Derek, I got the you. Sorry, buddy. Oh, man.

Maybe next time. Oh. Good seeking, Joe. Thank you. I'm going to go get a hot dog and put a normal amount of ketchup on it. Hey, you need some help with that? Yeah, you seem like a pretty normal guy.

Roll to squeeze ketchup, smart ass. Roll 3D6, unless you want to show off. I'll roll your 3D6. Okay. Super glitch right there. All that fucking. Daddy spilled a whole cup of Diet Coke.

Now you're the Coke Zero. Thank you. And I'm really thirsty, Paul. Well, Paul, he needs more Coke. Paul? You only get one? Could I have another doing? Oh. He's telling us he'll get me one in one minute.

Sorry, Paul. Sorry, Paul. Paul some more, ladies and gentlemen. All right. All right. A three, a five, and a three, that's 11. Oh, okay, you only get one Sieberledge. Lucky you.

Yeah. So you go to squeeze it. Oh, no, too strong. The whole ketchup explodes. And you've ruined Derek Erickson's shirt. And it was his good shirt. The one that he only wears the special parties. You ruined Derek's special party shirt.

And he begins weeping. Openly. He's not afraid to show emotion. Derek Erickson is very open. And no one judges him. Because they understand that it's okay to show emotion. But maybe. you feel bad.

Is everyone around like, I thought he knew how to squeeze ketchup? Yeah. Oh man, I thought he was like a normal ketchup We were just talking about how good he was in ketchup. We were all just gathered around the keg talking about how good you squeeze ketchup. I guess the ketchup's out of the bag now.

That's not... You're fucking Austin Powers now? That is not a good normal joke. That is a weird joke that a weirdo with a secret would make. I'm thirsty, okay? Is this so crazy like everybody's looking at him? Now, yeah.

Okay, I use my super speed to find everybody. Under twin powers, activate. This isn't a mechanic in the game, but I'm going to have you roll 2D6 with advantage. Okay, perfect. Yeah, don't knock your drink over. 5, 6, which would be 11, which would be extremely bad. Yeah, all right, here we go. One more try.

5 and a 2, 7, still very bad. Still very bad. Let's see. Hello, everybody. Goddie, I'm looking for you. Remind me what your other superpowers are? Echo location, astral projection, lightning speed. Yeah.

So, accidentally, your echolocation also triggers and you trigger your super speed. And it's very loud. Now, what does it sound like when Auburman echo locates? Oh, yeah. What? What does it sound like? Like that node that Pavarotti hits at the end of Nessuendorma.

And what's that sound like? It just gets louder and louder. Now, what would that sound like if he had super speed? Ah. I'm going to say... Insidero. I like how you have the Doppler effect in there. Super spritus.

So fast. I'm going to say you aren't spotted, right, because you are moving super fast. But, but people do hear you. And while they don't know... Hey, lucky them, man. beautiful. And so they're not able to pin it on you,

but everyone is kind of now very on edge of like, what the fuck was that? You all heard that too, right? It sounded like a man singing opera movie very quickly. Do you think that was the opera man? Was that one of the two opera men? Was that one of the two opera men?

Is the special guest, Mr. Adam Sandler? Maybe. Come on out, Adam. It's not. Okay. So, ladies is gentlemen, Adam Sandler. Do one of your silly voices, Adam. Do a silly voice, Cloud.

You guys are an easy crowd. Wait for it. Paul, let's wrap the towel around Dad's Diet Coke. Thank you, Paul. Thanks, Paul. So what I will say is everyone is now on the lookout for Opera Man, but thanks to your super speed and echo location, you were able to find everyone the fastest,

so you do win the hide-and-go-seat competition. So we are back at the top of the order, and of course, just like every company picnic, the next event is competitive falconry. Dale, you're up. Now, Del, I have to ask, are you bringing your own raven, or will you be using one of the provided ravens?

Or, sorry, excuse me, Falcons. It's a different bird. altogether. If Jeremy found out I had worked with another falcon, he would be inconsolable. So I think I have Jeremy

fly onto my arm, and I'm like, whoa, weird. Weird. It's a completely different falcon from the ones provided. I guess I'll use him, alright? A falcon's a falcon. That's not true, Jamie. Well, hey, if it isn't Del Craven,

this guy. I haven't seen you since, well, the office on Friday. Oof, yeah. TGIS, I guess. What are we doing? It's me, Dick Chapless. Oh, Dick. Dick also works in HR, the party planning segment.

He is Dell Craven's very upbeat coworker. Yeah. Hey, Del, tell me something. How many gluten-free co-workers? workers do we have? Oh, at least six. Maybe more. Maybe more.

Yeah. Possible. Huh. I, you know what? I thought, were you going to check? I think you were supposed to, yeah. Well, let me look at the clipboard here, Dick. No, it looks like buns were pretty much the only thing you had going on, Dick.

I got buns right here. Dick, I swear to God. Swear to me. Sorry about that. I need a lalzenge. My falcon starts to fly out. I grab his towel. My dog.

Hey, there's no reason to get upset. Listen, what happened happened? And we can't go back in time and buy more gluten-free buns now. I'm sure Kevin will go get some. Hey, Kiv? Yeah. Can you give me like a zip code

or something where you're at right now, little buddy? I mean some kind of nest. Are there eggs in the nest? Kevin, you need to climb down that tree as fast as possible Do you understand me? Kevin? Can you go check on Kevin? And that falcon flies off, it comes back and come back and a couple of minutes later

and just goes, that I shook my head, in case those listening at home couldn't see me. Did you find the body? Who to find the widow? Oh, okay. You took it a different way, but you're a more honorable man than I, Jeremy. I'm a falcon. So, let the competition begin.

Is my co-worker? Dick Chaplist. Dick Chaplist, is he also in the competition? Yes, he is. I mean, Jeremy flies over and attacks his falcon first thing. And I'm like, whoa, Jeremy, no. It's a spite attacking. This picnic is everything to me.

And Dick has ruined it for all the gluten-intolerant coworkers that we have. And there are seven of them. Okay, I take it back. I take it back. I love birds. The other falcon did nothing wrong. It just attacks Dick. Okay.

And are you trying to act, like, surprised by this? Ah, yeah. Give me a blend-in roll. Oh, all three, then? Yep. It's worth it. That's a 10. Okay.

Well, only one glitch then. I love watching you celebrate only fucking up a little. I mean, no matter what, it doesn't end well for Dick. 2019. Okay. I'm going to say, yeah. No, I won't kill Dick just yet. Yep.

It does attack Dick, but then continues just attacking. because now your rage has passed on to Jeremy, and Jeremy attacks three other people as well. Not great. So everyone's definitely not having the best time at the picnic right now. Can I mind control them to make them be like chill about it? You can. Yes.

Give me a show off roll. Okay. This is going to be fine. So now they're really chill. They're being a chill. by my friend Jeremy. They just passed out. They're all just laying down on the ground sleeping.

But Jeremy don't stop telling God enough. Jeremy does continue attacking, but it's only just light damage. Mostly he's taking buttons and pocket watches and stuff. But this way, he's just taking shiny things. How many other competitors are there? I mean, now? None of them. Just me?

Yeah, you have... I guess I won, because I'm still awake. The judges confer for a moment and then get them. All right, yeah. This one goes to Dell, I guess. Yeah. Del Wade, yes. And next up for PEP is we've got ourselves a pie eating contest.

Great. Okay. Because I did not fill up on hot dogs. Okay. Now listen, I can give you some rigmarole about who's competing against you. but it doesn't matter. It's just, oh, there's sacks of flesh ready to consume some pie.

So I need to know what's going through Pep's third least mine right now as he sits down. What's Pep's favorite pie? Persimans. Oh, no, it's rhubarb. Oh. So this is...

Wait. Yeah. Oh, the pie is rhubarb? The pie is rhubarb. I thought you were telling, you know, Pep, what his favorite pie was. That is that exactly. Roll as he of your favorite pie is rhubarb.

Wrong. Sorry. And there in the front row The pie eating contest is Ving. Vinger. And he looks at you and he mouths the word zero. So I want to know what is going through Pep Sturley's mind

at his time of pie redemption. Gosh, I love pie. A flaky crust filled with hope. It's really good. And I am so damn hungry. Dad, Dad, please pay attention.

record a podcast. Oh, sorry. I beg of you to stop mumbling your internet thoughts into the microphone and focus on recording this podcast on this. I don't you.

I... He wants the pie. Yeah, he does. He's going to use his... He's going to control time. He's going to control time. Okay. He's going to eat the pie

of the person next to him. To what end? Have you? He's hungry. He wants pie. Dad, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have assumed this. Do you know what a pie eating contest is?

You would think it says it right there on the 10th. It's whoever eats the pie with the most style. No. You have to do tricks like toss it and catch in the mouth. I don't know why I have to explain this rule, but it's about how quickly you can eat, your own pie. Okay, then he's going to use

time distortion, he's going to slow down all the other pie eaters, and he's going to wolf his down and win the contest. Okay, roll the show off for me. Yeah. That's a five. Amazing. So, as you tie... Okay, hold on. Let me paint a word picture, you grossing.

As you tie on your bib, everyone else slows down into the world. They are moving at regular speed, but you, as you consume your rhubarb pie, are moving at almost in human speed, but it's believable. It's the fastest they've ever seen a man eat, but in a normal way.

He sure is eating fast, they say, yes, but I believe I've seen him eat fast before. It's like Joey Chestnut level of eating competitive. Sure. Joey Chestnut is a professional competitive eating. And apparently a superhero in Dad's mind. We all have our heroes. And not only does Pep win the pie eating contest.

He wins Ving's respect. A wonderful man. Can I just say, if that's what it takes, Ving's respect is not very difficult to earn. He's had a lot of big company buds at this way to take away the sting of defeat. And he's just like, that was fast eating. He ain't the point too good.

I don't see anybody else controlling time, but okay, I'll take your point. Why? He's not impressed me as of how good you used your secret superpowers. We're going to have to have a time. Talk about the whole conceit of this game backstage. I know.

Okay. And the last event of the day before the big events. The last event is the talent contest. Oh, yeah. There's a couple of dance routines. Somebody does some really bad stand-up. Somebody else has some really bad stand-up. A third person does some really bad stand-up.

One person does some media. Joker stand up and by comparison seems like amazing stand-up. And next up in the order is you, Joe Lunchbale, what have you prepared for the talent competition? Hello, everybody. Howard! It's such as a pleasure to be here with you. A lot of people who might be thinking,

he's going to do the opera. But the thing is, I don't know in the opera. I am just like you. I like a regular music, huh? Regular food, regular music. Now, my sugar for you is I'm gonna do the armpit fart. It's a very good, very funny, yeah?

I do it. It's a regular, we both like it, I like it, you like it, an equal amount, same. Very funny, I think funny, you think funny. You think funny. Yeah. I love it.

I do the armpit fart. I'm gonna do a song with the armpit. I have no idea what to make you roll. Is it blending in? Is it a superpower? The song? Disco Duck by Ricketts. A regular song about disco.

We all like it. Give me a show-off roll, I guess. Are you using your powers in any way? No. Okay, then you just do it. Cool. He's blending in, isn't he? Yeah, you know, but yeah, give me a blending in roll.

Six, motherfucker. My man can't even do armpit farts, like regular. Regular person armpit farts. Okay, you perform it with an unexpected level of force. And shit your pants. Or show your shirt. Yeah. And you arm piff,

part's still loud that one of the speakers explodes. And but admittedly, the crowd goes wild. Yeah, rock-a-roo. Now it's like, now it's like the Keys concert, right? We love kids. I love them, you love them, same. We do love kiss. We all love kiss.

Yes, we do. We all love kiss a normal amount. Yes, me too. How much do you love kiss? I would marry Mr. Thung if they wouldn't let me. But I know. Have you asked him?

Have you asked him Mr. Thung? No. I can't get close to him just like you. I don't have a Grammy at home. I don't have a vocal performance Grammy at home. I actually, I do have a Grammy, but it's for like spoken word. Yeah. I recorded a spoken word album.

What's it about? It was mostly about, like, the history of ducks. Ducks? Yeah. Cool. It sounds like fascinating. It was. It was good enough to win a Grammy.

Well, good. I'm a proud of you, I guess. I don't know you very good. You can get to know me. I guess I could do a better, but your book about ducks sounds really good. Just kidding, everybody. I don't like a book about ducks. Too historical. I like a James Patterson. And that's it. What do you think about Michael Crichton? Yeah, I love a Michael Crichton. He's dead now. But back in the day, man, me and Michael. Hmm, good. Take you there, take you there. Transport you another world?

Yes. The dinosaurs, were they real? I thought they were real. I was confused. For a little bit, after I read the book because I love it so much, I guess we left away, I thought the dinosaurs were real. I go, I sigh, I'm scared.

What if the people leave meat around? I say, what about the dinosaurs? And they say, Joe, there are no dinosaurs. and I get that so confused just like you same regular amount of confuse same

and as Joe Langebail leaves the stage Roger Big Company the fourth returns to take the microphone yeah go ahead no sorry Joe did you

did I win yeah no you won oh nice all right good yeah no you armpit farted so loud that a speaker exploded yeah I don't know how we could

top that. Nobody can, no. Yeah. We were all very impressed by your super normal armpit fire. That blew up a speaker. That blew up a normal speaker.

Could you please leave the stage? Absolutely. Gonna go hoist some beers. Please don't use the forklift to do that. That's an inappropriate use of company stuff.

Equipment. It's a joke. Yeah. Love them. Just that normal joke between normal friends. Love it. Please get off the stage. I am going.

I'm off the stage. I'm down on the ground now. You're still talking. All right, everybody, we're so excited. Thank you. Listen, we would have reward a winner, but we're not done yet. Of course, we have the big company softball game. It's very exciting.

But that, of course, we'll be after, you know, everyone's taking a break to go get a big company bud or... Buy some sign poster. Some signed poster, big company posters that are really beautiful and in the lobby now. Burry a body of a co-worker or two. Oh, and we are taking up a collection for Kevin's widow. What happened to Kevin? My sweet Kevin?

Eating by owls. Oh, man. Another one. We got to have to check. change that sign in the headquarters, you know, how many days since an accident? How many days since eaten by owl? Yeah. One. One. Not even one. It's been zero days. I hope they don't get me. I mean, we all hope they don't get us. Nobody... No, me especially. I think we all don't want to get eaten by owls a normal amount. Yeah, I'm at equal risk of that.

Okay. So we are very excited about the softball game, but first, before, everybody goes to get food and everything. We're very excited. We've got a very special guest here to give us some encouraging words, a little motivational speech for the next year here at Big Company, Inc. So please joining us in welcoming to the stage from the Do Good Fellowship, Cardala. Hello subordinates. So nice. Hello. Stop cheering. He only gave me 90 seconds. Hello, subordinates. I hope you're having an enjoyable time. Have you tried potato salad?

I have indulged for the first time in potato salad. And let me say, it is very bad. But I'm glad you enjoy it. And now, inspiration. I have spoken many times about my love of Jesus Christ. His story is an inspirational one to me. The healing, the giving, flipping over tables. As I have studied Jesus Christ and his terrible powers,

I have come to believe there is nothing that Jesus Christ cannot achieve. But my friends, I promise you this, if you do not reach your quarterly projections. and hit the goals that we have so carefully set for you as employees, not even the incredible, terrible power of my close friend Jesus Christ will save you from my terrible wrath. Please enjoy the rest of your picnic and consume the rest of your potato salad. Okay?

Uh, yeah. Thank you. Cardala. Okay, so oh, look, oh, we're so excited. Our competitors, our rivals for the big softball game are here. It's one of the few businesses

that Big Company, Inc. doesn't own in town. It's Menace and Sons, the construction company. Come on in. Yes, hello. It is I, Dr. Mitt, Dent. Dennis. Dennis Menace.

One of the sons of menis and sons. Here's to play against you. Big company in the softball game with my... And you can see behind Dennis. It's just a bunch of robots with mustaches on.

And like softball uniforms. Yes, we are very ready to compete in your human softball. For those of you listening, Travis just cracked himself. Yeah, it's good. Yes, but first we need to try some of your hot dogs. Yes, I did promise them hot dogs. They wouldn't shut up about it.

So we're going to take a quick 20-minute break to eat some hot dogs. Wearing this costume and drinking a glass of road wine makes me feel like I'm cosplaying as Edgar Allan Poe from somebody who doesn't really get it. Like somebody who's only heard it from somebody who's only read the back of one book? Oh, I know.

He's spooky, man. Their only exposure to Edgar Allan Poe is that one treehouse of horror episode. I believe he's part bird. Hi, everybody. Welcome back. So glad you all made it. Yeah, I hope you had a good intermission.

Before we get started with Act 2, a couple of announcements. First, thank you. to the creator of Supernormal whose name I meant to look up Oh, Travis. Travis during intermission, and I bet it's a great name.

Travis. It says at the bottom, it's Erza Dice. Ersa Dice. Yeah. Ursa Dice. You can follow them on Twitter. At U-R-S-I-D-C-E. Well, Dice, that's the second part,

but U-R-S-I-D-C-E. Thank you. On Twitter, thank you to them. Thank them. Chuck. and Larry Ercadice. Chuck and... Chuck and Larry.

I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry Erzadice. All right. Back into it. Okay. It's time for the big softball game. Dun-da-da-da-da-da-dun. Okay. So, big company starts on the field.

So what positions are you all playing on the field? and this is, you know, softball. So like, first base, second base. Rover. Now, Dan, the true softball. Wait a minute. You're the only one on stage who has actively played softball. Exactly.

Please pretend like you know what you're talking about because Jals and Ngriffin do not. Any softball aficionados out there can back me up. There is a player called the Rover who works the outfield. Hey, huff my shorts, old man. Eat it. Yeah, I want to say, can I be the catcher? Yeah.

You sure can, Griffin, because this is a game of wonder or where we can do anything our heart desires. I want you to put me through an extensive tryout process. All right? Roger, Biggumby, throws you a ball and you catch it and says, you're in, kid. And Joe Lunchpail. Mr. Home Run.

You bring him in when you need the big hit, right? And I send it right out there to Blast City. Gonzo. Yeah, okay, Joe, we are on the field, though. So, like, you need to. I'm more of a hitting guy. You need someone to watch them to make sure they don't do too many home runs? I can help with them.

Yeah, that's it. I get in their head, right? No. Intimidation game. Oh, God. Ooh, I look at them and I think, You're not going to hit the home run. Hey, Joe, you're in left field.

Is this a job? Left field? Left field. I cannot do anything from there. What if they hit through the right? Should I go over there and help him? Help my friend? No.

The very foundation of softball is at risk, Travis. Yes. No, Derek Erickson is in Wrightfield. Yes, I love Derek. Great pie, this guy. He's a make cream and chocolate. Love it. Where is Ving Rames? No, I'm sorry, Ving Ringer.

Ving Ringer. Ving Rames is not there. It's the second favorite dessert that love it the most. You know what the love of the most? What? A Twinkie. It's so good, just regular, right? Yeah.

Cake, cream. Very nice. Okay, hey, Joe, we're losing the light, so we do need to start the game. Give me the ball then, coach. I have to stop encouraging them. Yes, you do. Okay, so the game has begun. Robot number two.

Steps up to the plate. And you all know, robot number two, he's the big hitter. Are you lead with their big hitter? No. The game's been going a while in this way. We just did a dramatic time jump. Okay, good. Minus and Sons is winning.

Four to one. You don't even let us roll for that? No, I don't want to play out the whole game. We only have 32 and a half minutes. Okay, fine. And robot number two, it's a long drive to right field. Is this a mod?

No, you were and left. And apparently... That's the luck, Keith. Little shit, talk, a big game. see you not catch it. It's not Keith. It's Derek Erickson. Come on.

Who is Keith? He's a nickname. For Derek. I call him a Keith. And he loves it. They love it. Yeah. It's your little inside joke.

Private joke, you know Keith. Catch that stinky cheddar. And Derek Keith Erickson is running for it. But he trips. The ball. It could be anyone's ball. Maybe the rover. Because that seems like a thing you would do.

No, I will not let him fall like this. I'm very close with Keith. I will not let Keith have failed. Keith had no fail. I'm going to use Astor projection to leap up and grab the ball and place it lovingly. We got some angels in the outfield.

Angels in the outfield. Opera man in the outfield. Okay, roll to show off for me. Eight. So astral you project And the ball Flies into Derek slash Keith's hands

And he does catch it He catches it in his love With the force With which our astral projection Through it He goes flying back And hits the fence But he did get the out

He did get the out Yes, I'm loving that guy And compound fractures Yeah but he is also pretty days But he stays on the field Because he's a trooper Even though everyone says, hey, you can go, it's alright to be hurt, there's nothing wrong with being hurt. You know, we're all fragile humans and you don't have to tough it out.

And he says, no, no, I'm fine. And he stays on the field. Because Derek is tougher than he looks. Maybe he's a superhero. We'll never know. We won't know. Oh no, but up to bat, it's robot number three. He's even, and his mustache is busier.

His cyburns are taped on. And he's got a bat and a gleam in his metal eye because it's metal. Do robots have minds? Huh. Well, Graven, you've asked a real deep one that we're going to have to take the rest of the time to figure out, won't we? Do they have souls? Do they dream of robot sheep or whatever? Data had a soul.

Data didn't have a fucking soul? Yes, he did. He was a piece of metal. At which state. in the bicentennial manification process is. He's about half with it.

Okay. He's got one arm, one leg, and like his left ear is human. But he doesn't fuck yet. No. Robot three

conclusively does not fuck. So I can't you shake. Robot four fucks all the year. If there's one thing we know about Robot four, he fucks. Robot five,

a cuddler. Yeah. So I couldn't use shapeshifting to turn into like a sexy toaster or something like that. Maybe for Robot 4. Okay. Robot 3 is not interested in toasters. Only winning. Okay.

But yes, if you want to control his mind, you can control his robot mind. No, please. Okay. I have a better idea. He steps up to the plates. Okay. A swing and a miss. Okay.

I want to wait for a pitch that looks like it's right down the middle. Oh, here comes that sick fish, that hot stinky cheddar. Okay. I close my eyes and I say a deep prayer and I say, I've got to do this one last time. I swore I never would. After what Randy did. But I need just one more sacrifice.

And I get a pigeon to fly down into the path of the pitch. Okay, roll the show off. Sorry! Wait, I need just a second of silence. I'm wailing right behind him as the kid. Fuck out, right? Well, it is only a second strike. But then he...

Okay, hold on, guys. Wait, but then he does... No, listen. I know. I said that was the last time. No, listen, listen. This one's... This one's on me.

Hell Raven. I did a wrong count. I need one more of you sweet angels. And you look up and there's eight pigeons on a line and look at each other going, er, er, er, er, er, listen, folks, I don't...

Y'all, I don't have all day. Any one of you has the ballistic properties to stop a fastball. Pooper get off the pot. And one brave soldier steps out because they know that their life doesn't matter as much as the company softball game. Hardly at all.

I may just be, a ratbird, but I'm going to save your company soft fucking for you. Yep. A hero who has better things to do. Roll to show off. A nine. It does impact the bird and the bird does die. But it bounces off the bird so hard that it's a pop fly to the shortstop,

who is got a funny name. that I wrote down. Angela Langella. Any relation to Emily Mimbley? Yeah. Emily Pimberley? And she's related to Frank Langella. But not directly.

Okay. By marriage. It's by marriage. But she did take his name. Yeah. Illegally. So. No, she makes me out because there's not a lot of time left.

Yeah. Okay. And you know what? Fuck it. That's three outs. So. we fast forward a little bit. I'll use my powers of temporal distortion.

All right, roll smart ass. Roll the fast forward. Roll the show off. Roll the montage. You know what, roll the super. One, D6. Just one.

Oh my God. He rolled a six. Okay. I mean. So is the fiction here that... I'm trying to help you. Okay, here's what's happened. Here's what I can recap.

Dad has attempted to create a montage with his time speeding powers and has failed at the narrative device of montage. No, so the montage does occur, but Ving Ringer sees you doing it. It's like, huh, and that's it. Okay.

Huh, I'm going to have to remember to talk to him about that later at a more appropriate time. In 24 minutes and 30 seconds. In 24 minutes and 29 seconds, I might need to bring this up again. whatever, but basically I just want that $5,000. Yes, Mousder. I like doing the robot voice.

Back off. It's funny. Listen, here's the thing. They're robots, but they have deep, rich backstores. Yeah. I bet we're going to hear them, too, aren't we? Well, this is a robot. Stuart Buert is Robot 6. And he was raised on a farm.

Oh, boy. With three brothers and eight sisters. We moved to further action in the seventh inning. He stole robot pigs to get by. Damn it. Listen, everyone's stealing pigs, Griffin. It's an epidemic. It's 2019, people steal pigs.

I'm sorry, I've dated the show. Okay, so, currently Dick Chaplis is on first. Emily Pemberley is on second. Del Craven is up to bat. and at the plate is PitchBot 9,000. Oh, no. And he was built to do two things. Pitch and make pasta.

And he already made pasta today. And it's in the pasta salad. Yeah. It was great. He brought the pasta salad. He's very proud of it's an old family recipe. Pitchbought 1 made it. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Thank you. Come on, Adel. See them to the home. zone, buddy. Come on. I look up and count how many pigeons I have left.

Do you know you're at bat, right? I know. What are they going to do? Grab the ball after I hit it and fly it away into the home run town. I'm Hellraven. I'll tell you what they do. Can be fair, that is

Hell Raven sketchphrase. Yeah. And a pitchball 9,000 sends a steamy zinger right into the hit area. Okay. God, I wish I'd raised a sports fan. Yeah, sure.

Is PitchBot 9,000 like their star pitcher? Yeah, Griffin. I'm saying. No, it was Danny the Robot, but he's injured. Do they have a second PitchBot 9,000? They got PitchBot 4,000. He sucks? He's old. Okay.

I take a swing and then, oh, the back goes out of my hand. And I throw a, bat with super strength at PitchBot 9,000. Griffin, PitchWat 9,000 has eight kids. Pitchot 9,001, 9,0002. We know where that's going. Okay. I was going to end it with like Ed.

Yeah, it's going to be a fun. It was going to be really, no, it's too late. What? Nobody said to keep going. Okay. Griffin, roll to show off. Roll to keep going.

one and a two, that's a three. Everyone agrees that it's a perfectly natural death. Yeah. I used to play a little bit of ball back in middle school. Yeah, that was a really normal way to lose your grip on a bat and kill... Like falling off a log. Yeah, that's how all the pros lose the grip on the bat. Chris Sabo exploded a lot of pitchers in his day.

You know, you see the robots in the other dugout. start to get up and they're about to rush the field. But then they're like, I get it. It's baseball, folks. Listen, people die. Sometimes pitchers die. Now, but how many points is that? Well, so they check the books and you're on first.

Turns out there's no rule that says, one, you can't kill a pitcher and go to hurt. You steal first as the pitcher lies dead. And also a golden retriever is playing. Enderfield. There's no rule against it. Yeah, sure. They checked the books.

Okay, so next up, Joe, you're up to bat. And it's PitchBot 4,000 who, frankly, just isn't as good as PitchBot 9,000, but he has a lot of experience.

It makes him wily. Yeah, he can't pitchers fast, but he pitches weird. He throws it straight down into the dirt. They'll never see that coming. You never know what you're gonna get. He's a loose cannon, literally.

He literally has a loose cannon, and he needs to get that fixed. I'll try my best to hit it with the bat. Roll to blend in. That's three of them. Damn. Don, done, done. That's a four, six, 13.

No, this is just, It's good. It's super charged beyond his control. This can only be good. Yes. So, you hit it, but you do hit it. Super good. Nice. Like, it goes flying, like, through the scoreboard. Smashes the scoreboard. Wonder boy. And you see Dennis Menace, you look awful familiar. Oh, I thought maybe that was the last ball and they couldn't continue. we didn't bring an extra softball. My dad's gonna kill me. That ball was signed by Babe Ruth.

Noted softball player, Babe Ruth. Hey, listen, anyone could sign anything they want to, asshole. Listen, after today, I know. I know. Hey. He said, don't hate, don't hate, because I did a good job. You look familiar to me too. You know what you look like?

I became a hater. That is a really good thing. Yeah, man. I came up with it. I hit the ball to the scoreboard. This is 20 points. No. Some more?

It's a wow. It's four. It's four points. What's the score now? It's five to four. Are we winning? Yes. All right.

And that was the last ball. So we won. That was the last ball. So we won the game over? We can go get the ball. Oh, all right. Robot number five, stop fucking and go get the ball. Never.

I will never stop. He's like a machine. Gross. Now, if I wasn't your dad, you'd think that was funny, right? I did think it was... I'm sure he's out. Yeah. Listen, I, this is awkward.

Are you operamen? If you are, you have to tell me it's in Tramon. Am I the Abra Man? Yes. No, the Abra Man, I love Gareth Brooks. I like the... Let me ask you a question. Electric slide, yeah.

Where do you have? Kesha? Where... Keshe is great. Nice. I can tell another Kesheed. Finish this lyric. Yes. I've got friends in blank places.

Oh. Butchrist? Cathedralesque? Venetian? Surely it is Venetian places, huh? You are getting warmer. Heavily ornamented places? Go with Rococo.

That always works. I'm going to call a quick team meeting. Yeah, sorry. Give me just a minute. Yeah. Yeah, he's an upperman. Hey. No, yeah, no, he's the, yeah.

Should we get him? Yeah, I mean, I think you should. I mean, I thought you're the prize. Wait, hold on. Can we have the prize? No, you're losing. Yeah, but what's in the prize? eyes. What is it?

It's mostly just like gift certificates and coupons. Okay, yeah, no, fuck them up. Are you sure you don't want the coupon? No, because we'll get the coupon and we know we don't use them. God, I hope you're not talking to number five. No, he's talking to number one.

Who is the most trustworthy of the robots? That's how he got to where he is. Should we kill the... Yes, please, go kill them. I'll be over here. Having a drink and some bubblegots. And the robots charge towards you, Joe Lunchpail. What do you do?

Oh, and they've removed their fake moustaches. So you know shit, oh no! Yeah. That's robots. Bad news, you pieces of shit. You're about to incur the wrath of opera man. Now I have to ask because I'm your brother, and we should write a good story.

Do you do anything at all to conceal the transformation? No, I put my mask on, let's fucking go. So, in front of everyone at the picnic, they got me dead to rots, man, let's fucking go.

Let's fucking party. All right. So robots three, seven, and Tim, jump at you. What do you do? I... Well, now I'll use...

I'm all right. We've got it, though. That was funny. We got it. I'm going to use lightning speed to punch them all 80 times. Roll for Super. Oh.

That's just one. Two. You punch... You punch the fuck out of them. You punch them so good. Please describe what it looks like. It's beautiful. It's symmetrical, which is huge.

There's a sort of delicacy to it that you don't expect, but it's still poetic. Do they know they've been punched? Until they fall down, they fall down and they're like, it's beautiful. And then they're like, I believe I've been punched. Like that. I'm glad that now they have faith they've been punched. I see, I've seen him. Punch God.

He punches so good. Now was a robot, I have faith. So, let's see, robots, the ones I listed, Tim and the rest. 3-7 and Tim. Thank you. 3-7 and Tim, they're down. They're out.

But the rest, the other, I don't know, how many robots is enough? 20. The other, not 11-e, that's not a real number. 11-y is a made-up number. I'm trying to DM a serious game up here. And you're saying 11-y. So enough robots are charging at Opera Man.

Yeah. I grab my stomach and double over. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's gluten-related diarrhea. The gluten's got another one. And they reset the board that says days without a gluten incident. Fucking dude!

And I sprint to a port. to potty, and the door shuts, and some time passes. How much? 45 minutes. No, much less time than that. An appropriate amount of time. A normal amount of time for a normal person to have really bad gluten-related diarrhea in a toilet.

Travis, I'm trying to do a serious game up here. How long's your diarrhea take? I'm trying to write fucking... I'm just trying to give the people what they're. they want, which is an intimate description of your diary. Okay. Why did you cheer, you sick, folks? Hey, listen.

Listen. For once, it's not tired. Oh, boy. The porta potty, this is title of your memoir. The porta potty, uh, the, the porta potty explodes. Oh no, Del's dead. Releasing 300 giga,

Black Birds of Prey. Okay, I'm sorry, Griffin. I do have to, oh, you've turned into, okay. I've turned into 300 birds of prey. I lean over to Pep and I say, hey, I think Dell might be hell right. Nobody saw the transformation. For all they know, 300 birds have consumed Dell.

Or came out of me. Or came out of Dell. Wow, that's a bad diarrhea, my dude. What did you eat? You hear from this sentient hive-mind flock, don't eat the hot dog buns. That boy ate 420 blackbirds. And I guess I just swoop down and fuck up the robot

as only a bunch of birds could do. Roll for super. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? That's a three. I fuck them up. All right, yes. The birds with the combination, of plucking at wires and cables and pneumatic tubes.

And also, you know, some bird shit getting in there. That would come up to work. There's a lot of lifting and dropping. A lot of lifting and dropping. I would say you fuck up a good portion. One of the birds has a knife, too. Oh, shit. Yeah.

That's the main, that's, don't tell anybody. Hey, y'all, for real, this is a place of trust and secrecy, but that's the weak point bird. if they get the bird with the knife, I'm done. The other birds are decoyed birds. That's your kidney. You can tell which ones,

really be, Hellraven, because I've got the knife. All right, so you have taken out a good section of the robots, but at this point, now, Dell, or I should say, Hell Raven, and Opperman are both being threatened by this army now,

as they've begun pouring out of what we should have noticed before, just a legion of black vans. I'm like 400 birds. How could I possibly be threatened by robots? There's a lot of robots. I'm 400 birds. They've got nets.

Oh, man, we're... Hey, listen, Del, we're fucked, bud. I do appreciate this. Hell. Who is Dell? I'm 400 birds. All right, talking birds. You got me on that one. I'm not talking birds.

I'm hell. Raven. Ah, I love your stuff. Now, this is a good question. We should, bro, do you guys know each other? Best friends. We're best friends. Best friends.

I just didn't know, I didn't know we worked at the same company. Right. It'll be embarrassing later. Oh, yeah. In the break room. Right. And Pep, suddenly realizing that his two best friends, because he thought he was their best friend.

Man, a lot of shit's coming to light at the softball game. Right. Pep runs behind the bounce castle. Yes. And realizes that to help his two quote unquote best friends, he's going to need to call. Wait, hold on. Do we need to work through some shit? Later.

Okay. You guys are going to have a sit down later. He knows he's going to need all the powers of Osiris and Hermes and Saturn and Hephaestus and Icarus and Tingean. So he says his magic word combining all of their names into Oh shit Spills five drinks And Doc Pantheon

Flies As you change As you change You turn to your right and you see Ving ringer standing there And he says You know I think I always knew On some very deep level that I didn't know

I knew, but I didn't know that I knew. Anyways, killer robot from me. Sturred. And Doc, and they kiss. And Doc kisses him. Yes. And he forgets.

Whoa. Just like Superman and Lois Lane in that movie. The Green Mile. Which Dad, which Dad took 10. 10 drug mushrooms before seeing. It was awesome. My favorite part of the Green Mile is with Superman and Lois.

Isn't that great when you go into a long sequence of Tom Hanks just reading his fan fiction that you read? And then Saddam Hussein is there and he turns into a helicopter. What a fucking awesome movie. Hey John. It's me, Tom Hanks. Wake up. You fell asleep and I wanted to finish this.

part about. I'm insane turning into an helicopter. And then Superman kisses cut in America. And he doesn't forget. Whoa. He remembers. I'm gonna fucking black out.

We have to finish the show. Kill some robots, please. All right. What do you do? Doc Pantheon or whatever. Doc Pantheon says, wait a minute, you guys are best friends.

I thought we, you and I were best friends. You're all three best friends, man. Yes. We are the three best friends. All right. Put your other hand.

Technically, 402 best friends. Listen. Man, those claws are sharp. I love you guys so much. Is your superhero team name the three best friends? No, our superhero team name is the 402 best friends.

After this is over, my 400 birds are going to fly back into the skin suit. Wait, what? Can I say this, though? 402 best friends, still better than Trace Horney Boys. 100% better name. Okay, what do you do, Doc Pantheon? I use fire, the fire of Hephaestus,

because he used it to form weapons and he worked with metals. Yes. So he's going to melt all the damn robots. Roll to Super. Super. A two! You melt the hell out of them robots.

Even robot number 12 who wasn't doing anything. And number five who was doing everything. With consent. Absolutely. Because Robot 5 respects consent. Stop right there. Don't move a muscle 402 best friends. Or Roger Big Company the fourth gets it.

And you look over. and Dr. Menace is holding Roger Big Company the fourth hostage with like some kind of really scary robotic knife to his head or whatever but it's really scary

it's not funny. So wait the hostage situation is he has a robotic knife to his head? It's like a... Who does that? But it's like a seam punky knife that you know. Sure, sure. But knife to throat

is the agreed upon That's close. Nobody's like, that's what you do if it's brain surgery. Is he helping Roger? You all have faced Dr. Maness before and you know how he do. He's unpredictable. He's unpredictable.

That's what makes him so scary. He is a really tight cannon, which I would argue is way scarier than a loose cannon. I want, okay, Auburn is going to astral project, and his astral projection is now holding a knife to Dr. is his head. Okay. My knife bird is holding a knife

to opera man's head. Okay. This is a one. I've wrote a one here. You've one, you roll the one so you super dumb at. Okay. You've really sent your soul over to put a sole knife in Susan. Not his throat, okay? Yeah. His head. Oh, you got me. Opera man, this is the eighth time this week. You've put a sole knife to my head. I really should have seen it

Coming. Buy a helmet or something, my man. Whoa. The brother? My brothers. Our voices are essentially the same. Oh God, a lot of stuff's coming out of the company softball game. And then Doc Pantheon uses his powers of temporal distortion, grabs a plastic knife off

the picnic table, and he holds it to his head too. To his own head? He holds it to his own head. Stop or I'll kill myself. Listen, I don't... I don't even know. And then the guilt will be terrible. for you. Dad, roll to Super.

Hey, woo, guys. All right, listen, if I'm honest with you guys, I don't know how to deal with this shit. I don't know whose knife is to whose head anymore. I'm gonna go. Is that cool with you all? Yeah, of course, before the cleanup happened, sure. Yeah, right. Listen, I could stay, but, you know, I've got other things to do.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get it. No, I mean, this is supposed to wrap up by three. We're getting here. Yeah, right? Yeah. It's like $2.59. Hey, Dr. Menace.

Yeah? Same time next year? I honestly don't know. I have to check. Like, calendar it's so far out. I mean, this is figure speech. Yeah, but I mean, we haven't nailed down a tape. We could just sort of pencil with it in, man.

Yeah, but I don't want to do that because I want to disappoint you if I'm not able to make it. All right. I was trying to give you an out, but all right. No, but how about, uh, what are you doing like the third Sunday of August? Nah. Is that not good? It gets a little nasty. Kids are back in school.

I'm trying to stay calm, but I'm 400 birds, and it's tough to keep them all in line, if you know what I'm saying. Okay, so let's just keep the 24th through the 30th open. Yeah, man, sounds good. I have to figure out which one of my birds has my iPhone so I can check G-Cal. I do get that.

I do get that. All right, I'll see you. Pass it up. Pass it up. Hopefully not a hurricane. Yeah, I know, my man. It's really going to ruin my Disney trip. Okay, so I'll see you guys back at home.

Yeah. All right, man, yeah. Okay, bye. Bye. Oh, shit! Thank you so much. No. Just real quick, I wanted to say,

this is my first time DMing a live game. And I was very nervous, and you all were very wonderful. Thank you so much. You're an amazing crowd. Thank you. Have a good night, get home safe, okay? Thank you. Fund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Audience-supported.