The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live at Emerald City Comic Con!

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

A holiday party thrown by an old friend takes a turn for the less festive when all the presents and decorations disappear. It’s up to Tres Horny Boys - accompanied by a grumpy companion - to save the day and go on a journey to find the true meaning of Candlenights. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Right off the bat, I want to tell you what just happened. Hold on, give it time to settle. Well, just before we walked out, Justin said, make sure they have time to take pictures. And then we didn't discuss what that meant. Right. And then we all started doing poses. I definitely forgot what I do with my body during that part of the show.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. Alive. Alive and interactive for us experience. Speaking of, if you enjoy this costume and or makeup, that is by Julie and Alex Abinna. Thank you very, very much. They flew all the way here just to do this. Yeah, they're back there right now listening.

So cheer louder. Let's do all of our thank yous and announcements sort of at the top, because once this ball starts rolling, it will roll until it comes to a stop. Whoa, that was fun. Let's thank Paul Saboran. Thank you, Paul Saboran. Paul Saboran. Thank you to Amanda, our business manager. Thank you to Rachel, our editor and audio guru.

Thank you to Rachel and Teresa and all of our wonderful children. Hey, and you know what, thank you to Sidney, too. She's not here, but she's great. Yeah. Yeah, hooray. Thank you to all of you. I also would like to thank you. my sons.

Oh my God. For not yelling at me for forgetting to bring my dice out. That's actually Paul's job. And Paul failed you, Dad. No, no, I didn't give them to Paul to bring out. I forgot. He messed up from the start. Wait, how far back, how many steps back did you forget your dice, dad?

Are they in Ironton right now? And we're starting. I take it, let's not waste you. time on introductions. You all know what's going on here, I assume. And so let's just get this ball. There's one person for whom this is their first experience with the Adventures Zone who just went, wait, no, what? Oh, no. Okay, I'm Griffin, I DM it. That's Clint, Travis, and Justin. They play Merle, Magnus, and Taco, respectively. I am not Jacosta Knight Strider tonight. Tonight, canonically, it's at a point where I'm still Taco, Taco. You're not Jacosta Knight Strider yet.

Not Jacosta Knight Strider yet. You all should probably watch the Inbalance mini-series that Aideon for us. On YouTube, just watch it. One day, Justin will show up to a live show as Jakosta Nightstrider, and there will be some people who will be confused. You ready? You ready? You ready? Yeah. Okay, let's go. Yep. Tucked away in a cozy cavern, just a stone's throw from Fandolin. A community of large, loud, and furry revelers are absolutely tearing shit completely up.

They slam their enormous bodies together in rhythm, with songs bellowed loud enough to lose stalactite. from the ceiling above. Spiced dripping meats from indiscernible animals hang on spits over roaring fires, dire wolves howl over hulking bones gifted to them by their generous masters. It is a scene that would strike terror into the hearts of an unwitting adventurer who might stumble upon it, but for the three of you who find yourself in the midst of this fracas, it is a familiar sight. You stand in Clark's domain answering a summons to the bugbear's can't. Kendall Knight's Jamboree. Several dozen bug bears have crammed themselves

into Clark's cavern. Several dozen? It's a big cavern. Slam dancing around a large band of like eight drummers. Just say skanking. Several dozen bug bears have crammed themselves into Clark's caverns slam dancing around a large band of like eight drummers,

drinking beverages that smell like they might kill you. This was not the music I expected. Slam dancing. No, I can get down to this. Yeah. Drinking beverages that smell like they might kill you if you got any on your skin or eyes, giving one another those bone evaporating hugs underneath large boughs of fissletoe. And at the center of it all, a candle knight's bush adorned with gilded lanterns

and bloody skull ornaments alights this celebration. So Taco, Merlin, Magnus, how are you enjoying yourselves at the bugbear candle nights jamboree? 100%. You said fracas. Now, to be fair, he said frockus. Which is how we say it. In London town. I think Magnus is doing as the Romans do

and trying to go like toe to toe with the bugbears in drink and the dancing of slam. Make a constitution saving throw. We'll actually have to do two here because you said two different things. That's a 15 plus 9, 24. Yeah, you're throwing them back, baby. It's no big deal.

and now a strength-saving throw for the slamming. That is a 12 plus 10, 22. I was going to make you do disadvantage because you've had so many of these potent, deadly drinks. But you're... With a 24. You're fine. Yeah, you crushed it.

You're doing great. Okay. Hell yeah. Magnus is making himself at home. Merle, Taco? Merle is the designated sled driver. So he's just having mineral water and... Just from the walls of the cave, just lapping it off?

Yeah. I was going to say that doesn't sound like Murrow, but then Griffin said licking walls, and I was like, oh, yeah, actually. And there are so many hallucogens just in the fungus. You're going to be real safe driving tonight. He's half in the bag. I'm going to ramp it.

We're not even in the wagon yet, Merle. Nothing's moving the wagon. Taco. Taco's at that point of drunk where he is meeting lots of different people and telling them the, they're going to be best friends forever. He's like, I love it.

Were you like grapes too? Me too. I'm obsessed. You have to come over, and he'll never remember them. You know what I mean? Come over for Christmas. Like a bug bear will show up at your house like two weeks later.

And he'll be like, what, are you selling something? Yeah. While you all are- Did Cravitz come? Did Cravitz come? I don't know that Clark and Cravitz were a quack. Cravitz had a way cooler party to go to tonight.

Tracks. That tracks. And you all didn't go to that party because you're here mostly out of guilt for the mini. We're planning on leaving early and then I got away from us. Yeah, definitely that.

They played the electric slide and it's like, well, I gotta stay now. And Taco literally shoots off lightning bolts. A familiar face comes up to you all while you all are deep, deep in your revelry. It is Clark himself, who comes up to scoop all of you into a giant bugbear hug.

Oh, it's Gnash. Wait, sorry, I'm drunk. It's royalty-free Clark It's Fair Use Clark Please, Fair Use Clark is my father He sets you all down and says I gotta be honest I sent the invite But I didn't actually think the three of you would show up

I'm surprised you haven't been crushed to death By the many big bodies slamming around To be fair you didn't say that on the invite If you had said like, I'm invited money, you don't expect you to, I mean, I'm happy to be here. I assumed you would think that there would be much slam dancing happening. That's why I came. And you didn't ask me to roll anything, so I figure I'm okay. To lick cave walls?

Do you want, no, no, hold on. What kind of check would that? Roll a Constitution saving throw. It's a cave wall. It ain't clean. Seven. Seven? Okay.

Well, now, here's the question. Does that mean he's not stoned but thinks he is or thinks he's not but is? It's definitely the placebo effect. Like you wet your whistle and you're like, oh, party boy, oh, my pants are on my head. But everyone's like, this fucking asshole. To be fair.

Oh, please. They say that anyway. Yeah. That's not that fair, Dad. Clark, of course we would come. You're my best friend. I'm not. never told you that, but you mean so much to me.

Clark starts tearing up. Yes. This is real. Do you really mean that? Absolutely. I mean it now. Right now. What I'm saying it.

Have you had too much of our uh-oh juice? Too much is like, that's subjective. You're my best friend. He says, it's really good to see the three of you. I'll be honest. I do have a bit of an ulterior. your motive for inviting you three here. Trader! Every time.

And he points to the corner where there is a somewhat withered-looking bug bear with matted gray hair sitting alone. Father? Wouldn't that be a weird twist though? It would be pretty wild. It actually wouldn't be that big a twist if Magnus was just a shaved bug bear. This elderly bug bear is sitting in the corner

wearing these little pince-nez and he's balancing what appears to be a checkbook made out of like slate. and Clark points out of him. No, you don't need to say anything. You want us to take this guy out to the ice flow, right? No, oh, no, no. He's had a good run.

Come on, partner. Come on, one last ride. Here we go. Just look at the rabbits. Just look at the rabbits, bud. Can I do his voice? Can you do the NBC's voice? No, absolutely not.

You can't do an NBC's voice. You don't know why he's there for. It's going to do fucking mad loops. And clear, hey, dad, just to take it outside the bit. Clearly, this is setting it up to be the beginning of the adventure. Do you think Griffin would be like, yeah, you take it from here, Clint? If he loved me. Oh, hey, all right.

All right. Tochet. Clark says, that's actually my, that's my uncle. I didn't realize he was your uncle. I would have been more sensitive about it. It must be hard letting go. Do you want us to take care of him? I'm not going to kill my uncle.

What's your... No, no, no, no, of course not. We're not killing. We're going to set him free. Take him to a farm. Let nature. Let nature do the work. I get it.

But listen, that's my uncle whose name is Scrooog. And Scrooog made some really good investments in meat chitables. And what? It's vegetables that they make out of meat. So you can have a healthy diet. But if you don't eat veg,

like they do a carrot that's like a cow for the most part. You haven't heard of Mietannibles? Yeah, Fantasy Army's tried that once. They have the Mieterable. Scrooog's got so much money, but not much Candle Nights cheer. So I was hoping maybe the three of you would teach him the true meaning of candle nights. I don't understand.

How is he going to learn the true meaning of candlelights by us taking about to an ice flow to die? I was hoping you would find maybe a different way of... Look, you all... You mean like smothering? I'd like to remind you all of the time where you made me jump off a fucking motorcycle into a laser.

No one made you do that. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, he's got a point. Yeah, okay, yeah, that's fair. Just go over, talk to him, try to cheer him up and, you know, teach him the true meaning of candle nights. It's about as clear a quest objective

as you could possibly be given. Okay, you know what? Let me try. Okay. Can I try? Sure. You walk over to Scrooge. Saunter. Okay.

He doesn't look up from his stony checkbook as you come forth. Hey there. Are there, tough guy? Look, is your TV hero, Taco, from TV. Hello. I'm up here. He looks up at you and... Here he is.

Takes a beat. And he says, What the fuck do you want? Well, okay. Weird vibe. I wanted to do. kind of make this a special candlelight's free. Would you like to see some

pressidivitititations? Damn it. Wait. Presididigitation. Nailed it. Oof. He says Too late. And that shit sparkles out of my fingertips. Just your fingertips? To cantrip.

He says... If you wanted to come out of my ass, I'm not going to spin a slot on it. For fingertips, you get cancer. That's a slot all right. A butt crack. Yeah, I gotcha. He just nods his head, and then he says,

oh, that's pretty good. Can I show you mine? And he lifts up his checkbook, and he kind of wiggles it around in the air, and he goes, oh! If you're listening to the audio of this later, Griffin has just flipped us off while he's pertaining to be a bug bear. Okay, well, hey, win some lose some.

Hey, watch me benched this dwarf, and I pick up Mb. and start doing curls. Okay. Excuse me, Merles. Did my nephew send you over here to try and teach me the true meaning of candle nights?

Yeah. We're doing this for everybody. All right, well, whatever you're selling, I'm not interested. Okay, wait, just let Merle try. He once talked like non-existence into cheering up a little bit. Like, I certainly... To be fair, it was just a little bit.

Just a little bit. All right, Grandpa, what? you got going. I can't believe I just set up my dad for this. Damn, I'm going to regret this here in a second. Aren't you tired of it all? Whoa! Whoa!

A weird direction to take! Wouldn't it be a lot easier? Oh, Murrow, we're not going to kill him. No, we're not going to kill it. Sorry. Happy candle nights! See, I didn't know. I mean, there's no communication anymore. We didn't circle back on it.

As you holler, happy candle nights. The sound of celebration in this room is replaced instantly by confused murmuring. And then shortly after panicked bug bear bellowing. What's that sound like? There's a loud bang. And seconds later, the whole cavern is filled with an impenetrable. black smoke. When it clears,

you can see that the vibe of this room has changed dramatically. Several bug bears are lying on the floor nursing their gnarly bumps and bruises. There's no music. In fact, all of the instruments the band we're playing moments ago are gone. So are the cauldrons of bubbling no-no juice.

The spits of roast beast, the sprigs of thisletoe, most notably the meticulously adorned candle nights bush in the center of the festivities. The bug bears look around at the scene of the crime, and then slowly they begin muttering a word, a name that echoes around the chamber. It's the grunge. And Clark approaches the three of you, and he's nursing his head. He says, are you all okay? Were you crushed by our enormous strong bodies in the smoke? Now, weirdly not.

Yeah, we're fine. Good. You know, actually, I just saw the time. We're going to go. We have this other, I'm not going to say cooler, but different party to go to. He nods his head and he says, I get it. All our good stuff got stolen. I'm afraid of party foul, most foul, has been committed this evening.

The grunch has stolen candle nights. Oh, God. You know what? I would love to leave. Good night, everybody! But, but... I can't let someone harsh a vibe and let it go unanswered.

And also, you'd do anything for your best friend. My best friend in the whole... I'm actually starting to sober up a little bit, so... But yeah, you're so... so cool. He says, I know it is a lot to ask, but I really need the three of you to go get it back.

Get what? Candle nights. Get the concept of candle nights back? No, he stole all the stuff, Travis. But the stuff isn't candle nights. Read a book. Good. Screw.

Scrooog looks up and he says, It's absolutely fucking candle nights. I spit it by half a million stone pebbles. That is a lot of stone pebbles. The part of Scrooog is being played by Eddie Izard. He says, listen, the grunge makes his lair within the snow-capped peak of Mount Chronos. It's actually just over there. that away a bit.

It's weird that you've never seen it before. It's the big scary mountain. You can't miss it. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. The one behind Mount Crumpet. Right. Okay. It's kind of behind and to the right a bit, but yeah.

You know, just go up there, get candle nights back. Take Scrooge with you while you're at it. No! You promised. Did we? Yes. No, we didn't. We said we'd cheer a lot.

All right, but if one of us has to die, he's going first. That makes a lot of sense to me. Okay. Then it's a deal. Okay. He's reached the ripe old age of 17 years old. Oh, no!

That's right. Our lifespan is very short. He's like a great day. I'm eight. You guys always want us to return, but you never know what we're going to fuck up. What we do? I know it's a dangerous mission,

but I do still need you to teach my uncle the true meaning of campus. candle nights, okay? I'm sure we'll find the time. We'll do both. Let's head over that way. Come on, Scroo. You can ride on Magnus's shoulders.

What? I was going to ask the exact question. Actually, yeah. But only if you talk about how you hope the people at church will see you so they'll know that God killed the lame on Christmas.

Okay. Is it from some sort of Christmas story? It's from Christmas Carol. Oh, that is a good one. I hope that they check out my whole deal. I hope the people in church see my whole deal and it makes them happy. What a wild story we're retelling

in a way cooler way tonight. Maybe that will be the new Christmas Carol. We'll forget about the old one. You all make your way toward Mount Cronos, which is really close to Clark's Cavern. Like really, really, really close. It takes you like three and a half minutes to get there. during your trip

Scrooog learns the Trumaning Christmas He speaks up He says So what's the plan then We're gonna Drop off some dollies

At the kitty clinic What Are we gonna Put on a Candle Nights talent show To save the Wreck Center That's actually not a bad one You can't force a lesson

Scrooog We're gonna go get Candle Knights back And I just have to assume That you'll learn something By the end of it Yeah I mean most likely it sounds like there's somebody called the grunge

that we're going to stab a bunch or set on fire. The grudge. The grudge? The grudge. The gooch. The grunch. I was close. This week on tights and fights,

Austin Creed, better known as WWE superstar Xavier Woods, unbalancing his many passions. This dude actually wants these ridiculous things. He wants to wear a crown. He wants to be a G4. He wants to have a yacht rock band. Like he wants to DJ.

at a festival one day. WWE and G4's Austin Crete on tights and fights. Find it on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts. You all wander into a small cleft at the base of Mount Chronos and wander

through a narrow cavern for a short while until in the distance you see a sliver of bright light. You press on into a large and perplexing chamber. All around you is a snowy winter wonderland. There are Large socks.

Wait, inside? Inside. Whoa, that's mysterious. Thank you. It's almost like there's magic in this world. Now do you believe? No. Look, it's a miracle.

A candlelight's miracle, Scroo. Are you stoked? It's a little cold. I couldn't have been a beach miracle. Sorry, are you supposed to be Scrooge or are you Sweeney Todd? It's Scrooog! With a hard jeet.

Totally unsuitable. When you look around you inside of this indoor winter wonderland, you realize that the entrance you just came through has disappeared. You are now just standing out in a snowfield. Deeper in this chamber, there's a huge crystalline box. And through it, you see a silhouette. It looks like a towering 15-foot-tall snowman. and this silhouette is just sort of panting and heaving up and down like an idle animation of a snowman awaiting a battle

and Scrooog looks around and he gets a little glassy-eyed and he says, oh this takes me back. Okay, tell me all about it. I mean, lads, we used to play snow warriors when we was tots. You know, snow warriors? Sure. I'm afraid I don't. build up the ultimate snow man killing machine and you pretend like they were smashing up into each other

trying to kill what snow warriors life was a lot simpler back then tell me about it way maybe we could play snow warriors now with you he's not listening anymore he's just thinking about snow warriors no but screw tell me about how life used to be simpler hold on hold on maybe money isn't Maybe it's not all about having a bunch of stone pebbles. Wait, hold on. You just got that from Snow Warriors? We didn't say anything to inspire this. Wait, hold on.

He's in a reverie. Yeah, but it kind of feels like we're not important in this narrative. Life is not simpler before me, shitables. Sorry, what were you saying? I can't even remember now. I was thinking about candle nights past. No, I get that, but it's kind of our story, scrooks. can stay with us.

They didn't come here to see Scroog, okay? Right. There's a roar that comes from the crystalline box. He says, uh-oh, you free, better hurry up. You just build a big, nasty warrior snowman. You put whatever you want on him. Put on a big, you know, Vulcan cannon, whatever you want to add to this bad boy.

It's all in the rules. We can put anything on him. Anything you can make out of snow. Oh. Like, snowballs? Oh my God, Dad. This is a grown-up show. For grown-ups.

I have added snowballs to the list. I love that it's the first thing that you made. Nothing to append it to. They're just sitting on the ground. Okay, wait, no, hold on. I built a snowman with big snow abs. Okay, again, we're talking about balls and abs just laying on the... No, no, no, I built a snowman with snow abs.

Okay, so you've built a snowman... With snow abs. With snow abs. What are the dimensions of this snowman? 30 feet... Yes, it's big. Giant and 30 V-Y. A real chode.

Can I make his nose out of the umbra staff? I think that'd be cute. Oh, sure. Cool. I lost it forever. What's that? I give him the flaming raging poisoning sort of dew. Made of snow. This is not going to be balanced at all.

And all I give him are the snowballs. Okay. And I give him a one. white man's confidence. Well, he's made a snow, that's fair. He's unstoppable. Can I, did we already do the heart of a child? No, we have it.

In his hand is the heart of a child. Still beating. A still beating heart of a child. And screw goes, I get it now. This is the meaning of candle nights. Murder. All right. All way, we forgot a soul.

Wait. But no conscience. Oh, no. All right. And a laser. And a laser. One laser. And a laser.

And an unslakeable thirst for death. Paul, I can see you. And a great 401K. I see you wondering, Paul, if I'd need another white one. And the answer is yes, I do, Paul. All right. We've got to keep the story coming, Paul. And the snowman has a small snow pole.

Did you say a big snow ass? Oh, a big snow ass. A real snowdown. Write it down, Griff. Yeah, I wrote it all down, baby. Did you write down a snowdust? Dumbar. Are you done?

Is this a sufficient snow warrior? Oh, and a happy home life. Paul. A sharp wind blows through the cavern. A sharp wind. No. Sending a cloud of flurries swirling into the sky

and surrounding your creation completely. And when the snowflakes fade, your snowman has disappeared. Oh. And then there's a rumbling and this large crystal cracks open and inside it, you see your snowman. And his eyes turn red,

and he stares down at you, and eats the heart of the child in his hand. He bellows, I've got some thoughts about white privilege myself. Who wants to hear him? I've never loved the choice I've made more. And then a flamethrower shoots out of his umbra staff nose, and he draws the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom.

And also, there's a laser, Roll for initiative. Oh, no, wait. Oh, I see. I can't fucking believe how hard you all fell for that. Have you just met us? It's almost like Scrook is in a reliable narrator. I had a 17 total, 15 plus 2.

Gotcha. Merle. I'm... What number is that? You can use your heart. Oh, my God, it's a 16. Okay. 16 plus?

God. Zero. Take the... Thank you. 16 plus zero. 16 plus zero. Okay, taco. Seven. Seven, okay.

Magnus, you are at the top of the order. 16 plus zero. Thank you. Okay. Go for Magnus. First things first. Go faster. I'm going to use my tender box to light my torch on fire.

Oh, okay. And then I am going to two weapon fighting, torch in one hand, and my chance lance in the other? Okay, roll 2D20 for me. There you go. That ain't it.

Actually, I'm pretty good. 7 plus 10, 17? Yeah, it's a snowman. That's a 13 total? Sure, you didn't give him any armor. I will grant that. It's a fucking, it's made of fucking snow. Okay, great.

So I'm going to throw the chainslance at the laser. eye. Okay. You didn't say it was an eye, but I like that. That's cool. It is. Where else would it go? It's not a laser belly button. Well, wait, wait, wait. I'm the one that came up with laser. So I ought to say what it is. Yeah, what is it? It's a laser eye. Thank you. When you're not listening? And I'm going to shove the torch riding the balls. Sure. Oh, I won't make you roll for damage on that. You do that. And he looks down and he's like, I'm a snowman. Oh, he has no syndrome nervous. We forgot to give him a nervous system. Okay, you have knocked out the eye and his, the testicles that you did.

Whoa, they're testicles? Thank you. Next in the order is Merle. So we destroyed the testicles, right? Step one. Okay, and wait, there it is. We say that every live show, so if you're playing the drinking game,

we've said we've destroyed the testicles. Merlecast destroy water and destroys the Snowman Head What are the dimensions of water you can destroy? I'm glad you asked that Destroy after 10 gallons of water Alternatively

Yeah Oh no that's not You destroy fog You had to read more words than the first one Yeah this is a I'm not the best at sort of spatial matter Wait wait wait wait It does say at higher

levels. Yeah. You can cast this by using a spell slot of second level or higher and you create or destroy 10 additional gallons of water. Okay. Or the size of the cube increases by five feet. So, okay. This is a 30 foot tall, 30 foot wide snow. Now, he did to say just a hand.

Just a hand? I said head. He did say head. Yeah. You can take out a chunk of head with, I mean, it's a, what, 30 by 30 is a... Okay, I'll take out the chunk that has the laser He already destroyed the laser eye, but that you can...

Man, I thought that's good. Okay, I'll tell you what, I will remind you what all this snowman is working with. This 900 square foot snowman has a nose that is the umber staff, the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. Not the snowballs, a white man's confidence. Thank you, Travis.

A heart of a child has been consumed. Laser has been turned off a 401K. the worst part because even when you destroy him he has something to fall back on there is a little snowpaw who is working I would say futile to repair the laser eye and testicles

I destroy the snowpull the snow pole this is the best show on earth the snow pole disintegrates yes because he can open a can the snow monster looks down at dead-ass snow paul

and screams with unimaginable fury. Now to be fair, we didn't give him vocal cords or snookle cords. Okay, then he... Okay. Is that all for your turn? I think so. Mm-hmm.

And then I drunk the Paul that I will. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun, man. Make a Constitution saving throw for me. This is a lot of fun. 18 plus 2, it's a dirty 20. All right. You feel a clawing at your insides,

but then, I don't know, it goes wherever the pee goes to be made. Okay, give me a second. Okay. You have thoroughly enraged the snow monster who looks down at you, Merle, and rears back the fly. Flaming, raging, poisoning sort of do?

Made out of snow. Does a, what's the stats on Flaming, what's the two hit? It's gonna hit you. It was an 11 plus whatever the addition is. I'm going to use my shield proficiency to force you to. Take disadvantage, okay, very nice. Okay, five plus what does it add for Flaming, raging, poisoning? I mean, my attack is plus 10, but there's no way.

Does a 15 hit your 8? Macie Merle High Church. Negatory. All right. That would have been a lot of fun, but it misses and cleaves a large chunk out of the snow

as it disintegrates under the heat of this mighty blade. Next up is Taco. In the words of my boss at Fantasy T.J. Max, after I stole a lot of really nice placements, you're fired.

And I cast Wall of Fire. Yeah. That creates a wall of fire on a solid surface within range, which I will do on his stick. And you make the wall up to 60 feet long. That sounds good. 20 feet high, perfect. You'll get a couple of his strata, but he is a 30-foot-tall snowman.

Okay, so not a big physics guy, but if I melt the bottom of him, you are all envisioning it too, right? Like, it's a 20-foot-high wall of flame. All right, what's the save? What's the safe? Each creature within its area must make a dexterity saving throw. I'm certain it's a very dexterous snowman. Well, you gave it feet. But not legs.

There's no way. How dexterous is a penguin? You gave this snowman feet. I'm gamifying it. I'll give him a plus four dexterity. What? Plus four dexterity. Let's see.

Dad, can you come look at this real quick? for me. Do you want my just look? Old bones. What number? What's on? Hobble over. It's a 20. Fuck! No, that's actually bad. You don't want him to have a 20. You want him to have a 1. That's what you want. You're on

my side. Do you do any damage? Or at least you were until I started drinking white wine. Which is wine mixed with white cloth. Is there a half damage effect? What? Yes, my friend. A creature takes the same damage when it enters the wall. No way. The

ends a turn. It's half as much. Okay, so roll damage. Okay. Take half. But then wait a minute. I will actually do this on the app because it is 5D8.

Okay, he is actually going to take full damage because he is weak against this. So it's half and then times two. Touch that D8. Five? Touch the D8. 25. Yeah, weirdly, that's exactly as much

as it needed to melt completely. Perfect. Yay! Yay! I pick back up the Flaming Roaging Poisoning started to do, but the frozen ice has momentarily distinguished, extinguished

it. Thank you. The facade fades. And now you're just standing in a dark featureless cavern with a long staircase carved into the wall. This illusory projection of a snowfield has disappeared. Magnus rushes in. To what? The staircase or whatever. Okay, you run face

first into the staircase. Yeah. It hurts. Damn. Quite a tapestry we've woven here. Your party proceeds. Scrooog is lagging behind. He's still thinking about how cool Snow Warriors was.

Did that make you feel anything? Did it like a little spark of the old days? Yeah, I guess so, but having all that Mietudebos money definitely makes things pretty easy. So fuck candle nights. What? Oh!

Now, can you tell me real quick about why we fall down, Master Wayne? I don't get the reference. Your party proceeds of the staircase. Until you pass through another, tunnel. This one opens into another much smaller illusory scene.

The four of you are standing in a charming little firelit din. Hell yeah. There's a fireplace on the far wall with enormous stockings hanging around it. Gentle holiday music seems to be emanating out of nowhere, and once again, there's a modest

candle nights bush in the center of the room with a handful of unlabeled presence sitting under it. Is it a wild-tremb bush? Fuck, that sucks, dude. The sole inhabitants of this room are three bug bears who appear to

be living wooden puppets. And all three of them turn their heads 180 degrees to face you all. And they shout in unison, happy candle nights! Let me take care of this, guys. I've been a wooden puppet.

Clickety, clackety. They all stand up. And they bow and they introduce themselves in order. The biggest of these three puppets says, Hello, my name is ignorance. Ignorance? I've met you before.

The middle-sized one says, Hello, my name is Want. And the smallest of the three stands up and says, yeah, I'm Derek. And screwing. He looks around and he gets all glassy at again. He says, oh, every year, Clark invites me to one of these old shindigs. They play this ridiculous game, White Elephant.

Everyone grabs a gift and they open it and then the next guy can steal. Another one or they can open a new one or steal yours. Do you know this game? Yeah. Okay. This saves me a lot of explaining. Even for me, I've always thought it was a bit cutthroat. But boy, it makes me think, though, doesn't it?

Oh God, not again. And can I just say, screw, this is right, I'm growing less and less interested in your whole deal. And he goes and he just sort of sits sullenly in front of the fireplace. Nice job. Now you have to fix that. Go fix that. I give him a back rub. As you approach him, he actually disappears from this illusory scene.

Wait a minute, I thought it was his illusion. Well, you've insulted him out of it. Been there. And the automaton's gesture for the three of you to join them. for a lovely game of white elephant. Okay. All right, you sit around. Do we have to?

I pick the present that looks like booze. Okay, hey, do we have to? Oh, good question. Okay, what do you wanna do? I mean, can we just leave? Sure. Oh yeah, we start feeling around for stairs that are hidden by the illusion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do that. Okay, as you all are walking around, you go to push your hand through these illusory walls and you can't, because the illusion's so good. All right, yeah, let's play White Elephant. Fuck. Yeah.

All right, I got the presence right here, one second. This is why we had to do it, because Griffin wrote stuff down. Don't look. Don't look. Got it. Here's how this is going to work. No, Dad, don't do it.

Griffin will cry. I will get very upset if you don't listen to this next part. I said cry. Everyone in order. We'll just use the same initiative that order that we used last time. We'll take turns grabbing a present

from under the tree as represented by those six note cards. When you draw a present, you and you alone look at it. You do not show anybody else. You react to the contents of the present that you have seen. And that's all you do. Don't reveal it to the audience or your other players. And then the next player can either grab another present from the pile

or, based on their reaction, steal the present of the previous player. Once a present has been stolen once, it cannot be stolen again, sticking the person who has stolen it with that present forever. And once either that has happened or we've finished. drawing all the presents from the pile, we reveal them and resolve their sometimes terrible contents. Magnus, you're up first. Thank God. Again, you will draw a present from the pile. You will react to it in the way you choose fitting. Do not peek, no peeksies. You can peek, but nobody else can. I cannot, I cannot see Travis's face.

that gives me very he's crossed his legs and is holding it very tight to his chest I figured this would be a verbal sort of no okay Travis is shaking his head no I have a small sliver of power to wield here yeah okay ignorance is up next he's going to steal that present

dad would you hand it to me face down do not look no I'll bring it to you oh we'll bring it to me actually we have a special elf Paul would you help out with this process so that we won't have to cross the stage 100 times. Thank you.

The snowpaw hops fully formed out of Clint's body. He's back. He's back. Okay. All right. That has been stolen. Thank you very much. Oh, and since it can't be stolen again, I'll just reveal it.

I have stolen a lucky Gerblen's foot, which will give ignorance advantage on every ability check for the rest of the episode. So I pick a new one now? Now you get to pick a new one, yes. Again, no peeksies, and like a more entertaining sort of responsible. How can we look at him and see? You want me to be like, oh, hoo! Just say something.

Just say something. Oh, I see. Just please don't scream anymore. Okay. Ah. Did you leave, Paul, you can just stay on stage, a little snow, Paul. You're not going to melt under these studio lights. Next up is...

Merle is up next. I'm sorry about the whole ingesting new thing. not. Justin, would you hand me that far one there without looking at it? Again, you can draw

new present or steel magnuses. Yeah. Okay. I saw his face. All right, keep it quiet. Don't show anyone else.

Don't reveal the contents of your present. I just need to look at your face and know what you've done. Merle has grimaced. Or past a kidney stone. Or past a kidney stone. Or both.

Along with the melted pole. Okay. Next up is want who is keenly felt this time of year WANT is going to steal Merle's present

Thank you very much Do we have B? Y'all, I know what is on these presents I have just WANT has just stolen a slapchop from Merle It's just a slap chop I don't know what a slap chop

What? Read a book! Well Let's see what how you feel about the next present you're going to draw right now because your present has just been stolen. Okay, Taco is up. Keep in mind that that is also how he responded to a slap chop. But I know what this one is.

So again, Taco. Oh, you already drew it. Okay. Oh, yeah, nice. Nice, nice. Nice, nice. I steal that present. That's not your turn.

How it works. Woo! Derek says, Oh yeah, let me get some of that. And steals tacos present. Enjoy, stupid. Are you laughing to what you yourself rode? I'm laughing because

we're bad at this game? Some of these presents were fine, and some of them were whammies. Derek has just stolen an enchanted Ruby. So go ahead and take that last present taco and we'll resolve all of our amazing presents. We got all whammys over here, didn't we? Yeah, you sure did.

Why don't we start? Okay, so again, ignorance, want, and Derek, the not-important, non-playable characters of this adventure have stolen a slapchop, a lucky gervlin's foot, and an enchanted ruby. Merle, what did you end up with? A haunted picture frame that shows you the exact moment of your death. And it's in 24 minutes.

Man, he really died out there. What about you, Magnus? What did you end up with? What are you looking up on your phone? Well, I seem to have gotten a box of Asps. Yeah, you got a big box of Asps. Which appears to be application service providers. I have no idea how that applies. They all spring out at you and bite you so many times.

You are going to take 6D10 damage. Yeah, well, all right, that's 34 points of poison damage. That's actually not that bad. That's not that bad. Yeah, that's probably the worst one in there, huh? Juice? Yeah, that's the worst, the worst one in here. What did you end up getting, Taco?

What did I get? Well, what did you like to know? Oh, hey, juice. I know. I wrote the cards. And I know which one hasn't been read yet. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, for sure. Stalling, stalling. Yeah, just a regular. There's got to be some spilling. Um, I use the want to switcheroo on want. Oh, I forgot that was the one with the slap shop. Fuck.

Hey, listen, trust me. It's a, it's still an upgrade. What did you end up getting, Taco? Well, I got a slap chop. You got a slap chop? Yeah, that's cool. Okay, what did you get, what?

What? What? What looks at where he is next to the two of you now, and then looks in his box and opens it, and he realizes that he got a terrible cursed mummy claw that will kill you instantly. Bummer! And he looks up, and he says,

I thought that this was good. It's silly! As Want falls down, dead. This illusion disappears also and now you just see Scrooge just sort of sitting by an empty cave wall.

How's Derek? They disappeared with the illusion. Oh no. Yeah, they weren't real. But my feelings for them were Okay, I will say this. Derek with his enchanted Ruby, you see him look at it

before he disappears and he nods and then the Ruby flies up into his nose and replaces his nose and starts flashing red. But then he disappears, and so does the enchanted Ruby. Yeah, that would have been fun, I bet. Merle cast Cure Wounds on Magnus. Oh, cool.

For how much? I don't know. Oh, 2D8 plus 5. Okay. It's 16 points. Okay. Refresh yourself. Scroo stands up in this now featureless cavern,

and he says, Oh, did you guys finish? you finish up with that nice one Did that spark something within you? It was starting to, yeah. But then there was some unkind words being said. Yeah, I snapped you on.

I'm really sorry. You know, sometimes the holidays can be really tense between family members and people you love. Yeah. We did do away with impotence, though. That wasn't it. I don't think that's right. Big you?

That's actually That's actually excellent news And That's all guys Going to stick together He says I don't know That I feel much closer

To knowing the Meaning of candle nights Do you want a hug? Yeah, that'll be nice I'll give him a little hug He says, all right No, we're not done Okay

Be in the moment, my man all right. Breathe it in. Okay, I really. You like the mosque? I don't bathe. He says, listen, I spent a pretty pretty on that

Camelized party. Yeah. Thank you for your consent. Thank you. As you approach the next chamber, you realize this one's not quite like the others. There's no illusory projection to speak of, as far as you can tell.

It's just a big circular cavern. You are on a low platform on the south side of the room, and these long sort of twisted staircases wrap up the outside walls up to a much higher platform on the opposite end of the room. They form sort of a ring, though,

and at the center of this room is a howling mall of a terrible portal to an inky black other world. From within, deep screams reverberate upwards. In a bad way? Yep. Okay.

Worth asking, I think. Yeah, sure. These screams. Because they could have been like, whee! These deep screams are making this sort of tar-like surface of this pit quiver violently. But on the top level, on the higher platform,

you see a gnarly looking bug bear. His fur... Whoa! Hey, dude, so cool! His fur is a sickly green, his teeth are a sicklier yellow. His Santa suit is faded and filthy. In his hand, he holds a jagged,

blade that he flips between his fingers playfully. It's the gooch. Tied to the balcony's banister is a thin cable that runs up to a winch on the ceiling and is connected at the end to an enormous, hastily built bundle of Candle Knights' party decor catering, and of course, the bugbear's beautiful Candleinites bush,

all of which dangles a few dozen feet above the portal. And the grunch smiles, a wicked smile, and says, You're here for your trappings, the grunch snarled and inquired, but they're so necessary for a plot so inspired. I will summon an imp that will make you all suffer. Lord of humbuggery, the great candle snuffer.

I will make out a feast from your candle night's joy and breathe life into crampus, the nastiest boy. Okay. We're back in initiative. Magnus, you're up first. How high off the ground is... It's about a 20-foot staircase that wraps around both sides of the room

up to the higher platform. Okay. I have a thing of Spider-Climb, right? Sure. What? Wait, what? I do. It's an item that I bought that I can't remember, but I definitely have. Okay, whatever. That voice hurt my throat a little bit.

You have a thing of, I'm afraid I'm going to need at least like this slightest point. Okay, let's ask the audience. Do I have a thing that lets me need spider climb? All right. I'm going to spider climb and jump onto the bagging, the thing of baggage, the big bundle of stuff. Okay, you would need to,

I think you're going to have to spend both of your actions because to run up to a place where you could hop to this thing, that's a couple dozen feet off of the surface of this portal. Okay, I'm going to do that. Okay. Make an acrobatics check for me. Who? So 12 plus 2 or 14?

Yeah, you got the tools necessary. You spent your whole turn doing it. I will allow it. Okay, and I'm going to use my bonus action or my, excuse me. Second win? Second win is, thank you very much. I don't think that's what it's called. Action surge.

Action search. Now that the, I've hit the bundle, so it's clearly swinging. Yeah. I'm going to chop the rope when it's swinging away from the portal. Okay, this is going to be a tough one because you are trying to- Is it? Yeah, because you are trying to time this out, having moved this giant sack with just the momentum of your jump.

Yes, my big, beautiful body. Your enormous, wonderful body. I'm going to say this is going to be like a timing check. Oh, you know what? I actually, I take it back. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to use my grappling hook. Okay.

To pull it away from the port. and lock it away from the portal. Towards the high platform or lower platform? Lower platform where we are. So I'm on it. Okay. And I'm going to use my grappling hook to pull it towards away from the portal. Okay, sure.

This is going to be, I will say, a difficult check. You're attempting to disarm the stakes of the entire encounter in a single action. Yes, I am. So it's going to be a difficult check. Let's make this a, maybe a range. attack roll. I don't know what the stats for that would be.

Let's just make this a straight up dexterity check. 12 plus 214. And that's not going to cut it. You managed to secure it to a sconce, let's say, on the wall of the lower platform,

but you haven't quite been able to pull yourself and the sack to safety. Okay. But you have... I have the chance to. Sure. Yeah, someday.

Next in the order is Merle. Um, Merle cast Guardian of Faith All right Now you tell me what that means I know what Guardian of Faith means

What to what ends? What does it mean to you? Well, I think it's somebody to Protect us Just in case something From From if something were to attack us Okay, cool

Okay Um, guardianess of ficticus. Yeah. Are you sure, now that we've talked about it for a little while, are you sure this is with the action that you want to take right now? I just want to make sure you're certain. I am positive. Okay, where are you popping this guardian down?

Right in front of us. Okay. Between us, you know, like a gap, you know, so that if there's a photo session or something, they're not blocking somebody else. Sure. Okay. In the interest of time, because we are running a bit behind. I will say next in the order is actually the grunch,

who puts his fingers together and whistles in a way that I am not capable of doing. And down the staircases, both of them, start to march four little clockwork soldier men, who your guardian of faith starts to fend off, nullifying that threat. Again, we're playing Calvin ball rules a little bit. But those clockwork men have been tied up, let's say, by the Guardian of Faith.

Next in the order is Taco. What happened to you, man? Grush, what happened to you, bud? He stops for a second, and he gets glassy-eyed. And so does Scrooge. And the Grunch really looks at the three of you. And he says, I remember your faces from long, long ago. you came to a party.

My nephew did throw. He charged you with teaching me candle night's reasons to fully appreciate holiday seasons. You did not take it serious. And then you departed. And year after year, I grew more shrunkenhearted. Oh, that's...

And then I sharded. Wait. Time passed me by, my voice. vibe grew more crunchy. All told, I would say, I became pretty grunchy. But now you are here, and so ends my fugue. The grunch stands before you, but my true name is Scrooog. Wait, just quick question. Is this a time travel thing? Scrooog looks up and says, It's like he's me from Candle Knights. future.

Wow, you've really layered a lot in here. Yeah, but like how? Oh, oh, I know this one. We kill him in this time and then... Oh, hell yeah. And then there's no grunch. Yeah, we fucking kill Scrooog. This is what we wanted to do for the beginning.

No, actually, I will say this. Although, Travis, yes, I'll grant you our instincts to kill Scroo we're apparently dead on. And that's why Griffin wouldn't let us do it because it would have broken his little game. What would happen if we had killed Scroo? Grunch, what happened to that heart of yours? It seems like it's turned to stone.

He doesn't say anything and Scrooog says, I think he did his one rhyme. Oh, I see. And the Grinch nods. The Grunt's nods like, he nods and he tarts. It's a rhyme. And it's like Sweening.

Scrooog takes two steps toward the pit. Um, if it's really what you all think is right, I... What? I don't... I don't want to turn into the grunge, and if it's too late for me to change, I suppose, this is the only option. God damn it. Okay, wait, no, we'll fix it.

Give me a sec. What? No, no, no. I'd love to kill this guy, too, and get out of here. I got to pee so bad, my back teeth are floating, but we do have to... We gotta figure it out. Hold on. Wait, let's start with this.

And I throw the anti-gravity sphere at the bag. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fun. I don't think you need to roll for that. It's a big, big bag that has been sort of secured in place. I don't have to roll for it. Okay, it begins floating off the ground, and so does Magnus. You're having some fun up there now.

That's it. That's your whole action. Okay. You tell me, do you want me to cast the spell on you? No, I think throwing the end up. Anti-gravity sphere will count as an action. We're back up to Magnus now.

Seeing this happen and seeing that nothing has fallen into the pit, the grunch looks down and he looks very worried now because there is more screaming and howling come from the, coming from the inky black pit. Magnus. Fuck it, Magnus dives in the pit.

What? Why? All right. Okay, wait first. No. No way first. No. First? No.

Magnus ties a rope to the back and dives in the pit. I mean, you're holding on to the grappling hook, so I guess I'll allow it. I've lost sort of the plot a little bit. All right, man. Yeah, you dive into the pit. What is, what is Magnus wearing? A smile and nothing else. No, uh, what would Magnus wear to a party?

Magnus is wearing his normal armor plus a funny hat. Yeah, all right. What kind of funny hat? That's like a funny hat. Picture of funny hat. That's it. Maybe he's got antlers on it. What?

Okay. You hop into the pit with your holiday-themed hat. I didn't say that, but sure. It has antlers on it. And so as you enter, you see a face looking back up at you. And it's a not a good face. It's a badder face. It's Mario.

Is it Mario? It is not. It is a enormous skull-like face. Sure. With its own antlers on its head. Hey, same hand. Same hat. And as the festive hat enters the pit with you,

this figure smiles, a horrific smile. And then you two see Magnus, riding on top of Crampus as he emerges from the pit having been summoned by this single piece of festive sacrifice. Well, damn it. An ink

geyser shoots up from the pit blowing the top of the mountain off. And in fact, the grunch gets caught in the stream flying way up into the air and blasting off like fucking Team Rocket. You all are exposed to this

crisp night air, especially you, Magnus, who is riding on top of this 40-foot-tall demon that has this short, wiry hair all over. He smells like brimstone. He's got these little small, creepy vestigial. Is it like hot air? It's like stinky brimstone. You know hot air doesn't always smell. The flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom ignites.

Oh, okay. The flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom ignites. That's fine. And I'm going to attack. Well, let me finish my fucking description. There is a long red tongue dangling from its open jaw. And once this figure finishes composing itself, it takes a beat and then takes off in a lumbering sprint down the mountainside

toward Fandolin and the Bug Bear celebration. You technically did just use your move jumping into the pit. So I will allow you an action here. Okay. I'm going to attack twice. Okay. As is my want. That is a 19 and a 17?

Yeah. What the fuck's going on over there? Oh, we have magical die. Oh, okay. Yes, those are both hits. Okay, great. Oh, what the fuck do I get to roll? It's plus 20 damage for each attack,

so we'll just add plus 40 to whatever you roll. It's plus 20 damage, and then it is, oh, my God, 6D10 total. Fuck off. Fuck completely off. What's the status of the bag? Of the bag? It's floating up into the air. Very slowly.

It's anti-gravity. It was not caught up in the geyser burst. Okay. So we can still get to. 44 points of damage. Plus 40? Yeah. So 84 points of damage is what you're telling me.

Okay. In a single cleave, you take off the top of this thing's entire skull. Fuck. And orange sort of lava is now dripping out of the top of its head. Taco wretches. Taco wretches, excellent, cool. Free action. And that...

Now, but... This Chris is at Taco Bell. Enjoy some taco wretches. It is leaving a trail of, like, obsidian in its wake as it runs down this snowy mountain face with you holding on for dear life. And now we move back... Oh, sorry, wait. That was just...

the damage for one attack. Wait, wait, wait. 44 was your dammit? Fuck, okay. Yeah, it's about to get real here now, folks. All right. That was an additional 28, so not as much.

28 plus, okay, and we'll keep the plus 40 from before. Okay. Okay, with this, it's just the jawbone, dangling open with the tongue just now just sort of bouncing around. All fun-like. But it is still lumbering down the hill. We jump back to Merle.

Now you and talk, are in basically an open room now that the top of this mountain has been blasted open. You have the bag sort of floating, you know, 10 feet overhead, and you have, you have Scrook, who is looking upward at where the grunch got blasted away, and it's just kind of looking up at him or where he was. And he says, I turn into a right bastard, don't I? Wait. I'm going to fix all of it.

Okay. It's not your turn in the accent. You started fucking talking. Yeah, I suppose. You'd have to ask Merle. Merle, get to the bag. Right. I yell the words hang tin.

He jumps on the broom, broom. He jets over to the bag, jumps on it. and as a bonus action has the guardian go over and wrap its angel-like wings around Scrooge

in a loving embrace. To bring him also back up to the floating bag? Oh God, no, no, no. Okay. Should I do that? No. Okay. All right.

He's like, wow, this angel's embrace really takes me back. I got an angel hug once. It was last candle nights. Sorry, that's not really pertaining to anything. Okay, I was hoping maybe. All right. Uh, Taco. I, uh, I run and I grab the dangling end of the, the, of the rope.

Okay. Okay. And then I cast Phantom Steed. Geryl materializes, and I tie the other end of the rope. to Geryl. And I say, Scrooog, Santa is real.

And then I gesture to Merle hanging atop the bag of presents as he is dragged along by a soaring Geryl. Going through the air, literally, flying through the air

with a huge sack of presents and looking like he does. We see Scrooge looking up at this miraculous sight a single tear rolls down his cheek.

What is happening? Sorry, Geryl. Okay. Just, can you pretend to be it? No. Can you pretend to be it? No. Listen.

No. What? I'll give you some oats. Okay, I'm listening. Can you just drag this floating sack? It seems a little demean. Just come on oats. All right, then.

And Garel takes off down the hill headed towards, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, And the bugbear enclave. Yeah. Screw sees this, again, the tear. And he smiles. And then the Guardian of Faith wraps her wings around him and launches into the sky. Killing him in a moment.

On re-entry. Back down in front of Clark's Cavern, all of the bugbear party goers are standing, looking very nervous in front of the cave entrance, looking up toward Mount Chronos, and they see a few things happen in order. They see Magnus riding a bobsled made out of a butchered crampus.

Bumbles bounce! All the way down the side of the mountain, sliding to a gory stop just meters away from where the party is standing. They see they see Scrook being set down gently by a beautiful angel who waves to the party

and then lifts up into the night sky. I gotta get to Kravitz's party! And then they see real ass Santa Claus flying on a sack of their stolen possessions with a beautiful spectral horse written by an even more beautiful wizard who rides overhead and cuts loose the bag of things,

dropping them right in front of the cave into another beautiful party atmosphere. And that wizard shouts out, Merry Christmas to all! I'm going to a cooler party! That's it, that's it, everybody. Thank you so much for coming. Have a merry candle nights!

One and all! Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported. Hey there, I'm Ellen Weatherford. And I'm Christian Weatherford. And we've got big feelings about animals that we just got to share. On Just the Zoo of Us, your new favorite animal review podcast, we're here to critically

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