The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live Candlelights 2018 Spectacular

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

Angus McDonald had but one item on his Candlenights list: A very special action doll of his very favorite wrestler. Unfortunately for him, Tres Horny Boys were assigned to acquire said toy. Can our three heroes fulfill the boy detective’s Candlenights wish? Or will the forces of outrageous consumer demand prove an unbeatable foe? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Is... 12. What? Got a 12. You win! You won! Good night, so in writing this adventure,

I came to the realization that this is our last live show of 2018. And it is for that reason that I decided it's candle nights. It is Candle Nights Eve, the night before the world's most inscrutable and modular wintertime holiday. Probably, as everyone knows, candle nights can shift. and transform, expand and shrink of its own volition, making pinning down its beginning and end a tricky process. By your best guess, it is Candle Knights Eve.

The three of you are attending a Candle Knights party aboard the floating headquarters of the Bureau of Benevolence, the humanitarian organization headed up by your former director, Lucretia. The entire surface of the HQ has been transformed into a festive, wintry scene with floating enchanted candles, hanging above a yard of long, food-filled tables, and great vats of warm, potent ciders.

That's the most D&D-ass shit I have ever written. As you look around the yard, you see familiar faces here and there. Carrie and Killian are entertaining some of the parties' younger guests with their flips and stunts. Lucretia sits at the head of one of the tables, regaling her guests with stories from... Spoilers, with stories from your interplanar journey. Your eyes meet those of Angus MacDonald, who's in the midst... That motherfucker is more popular than the three of us together. Who's in the midst of a noticeable girl.

spurt as he progresses through his early teen years. Gross. He's allowed to grow. I don't want to get me bigger. A teen detective isn't nearly as fun. That's fine. I don't know. You guys suck.

That's the answer. He sees you in waves enthusiastically. And of course, the Bureau's newest employees steps into your line of sight. Inches in front of the three of you gesticulating enthusiastically. He says, gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, good eve. Good evening. Dracula. It is Dracula. I hope you listen to the last live show, because that shit's canon. Long story short, if you skipped it, they're friends with Dracula now. Do you all have big plans for the coming festivities? Yes?

Do we, GM? Why do you do that? Yeah, I can't wait for the present opening and the cookie toss. That's very crass of you. No, I look forward to giving my presence to other people. My mistake. I'm creating a new recipe for great vegan cookies that I'll then cast a spell on to make them taste good.

And I'm gonna go candlelight garrling. Want to hear one? Absolutely not. Hey, Dad, watch how you're sitting. You're in a kilt. I am. I'm being very... Maybe keep it together. My sponduli is. protecting me.

Aren't your legs cold wearing that up here? It's a bit chilly, and I must say, I know I'm reformed, but those calves look delicious. It's actually very liberating. It's very freeing. Do not commit a crime on this stage, Clint. This is actually Griffin saying it. Keep it under the table.

That makes sense, because that was that answering. Yes, good. While I have you, I can now reveal. I got the three of you for the Bureau's Secret Santa Gift Exchange. Santa gift exchange. Wait, you got three for one? Is that how Secret Santa's work? You're sort of a package deal at this point.

He reaches into the pocket of his duster and pulls out three small packages. As you unwrap them, you find three small, white square devices. Dracula looks at you and nods. It is the iPod shuffle. The one with the U-2 on it? I deleted that immediately.

Thank you. You did great. Now I can lose my Zoom now. It looks like you've preloaded it with the complete works of Franz Ferdinand. Fantastic. Some of my favorite jams are on there. I believe you could call them

the music of the night. Warm tidings to you and yours. And he scrunches his face up and pulls his arms in tight and he stands there for a few seconds and then sort of stands up and says, sorry, I was trying to transform into a cloud of bats.

I used to be able to do that. still learning how to make a polite exit, excuse me. That's the hardest thing of all together. And he walks away. And soon after Lucretia waves the three of you over to her table. And Lucretia says, are you all having a good time? Yeah, I actually got you a gift, Lucretia. Oh, that's...

I know, I know. It's the thought that counts. It's an iPod shuffle. I don't know what this strange technology is, but I assume... But I do? What is this world? I got you a gift too,

Lou Creeze. I sold my wood carving tools to get you this staff polish. This will come in handy. Thank you. Oh, no. I sold my axe to buy you a hunk of wood.

It's a three-way? It's a rock, paper, scissors, gift of the magi. This is unprecedented. She smiles and says, well, uh, thank you.

I appreciate it. She looks kind of confused. And then she looks kind of wistful. She looks over at Angus and says, wow, look at Angus. He's really growing up before our eyes, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. I hate it. You know, he's still a kid at heart, though. He keeps talking about how he's so excited about this Jeff Angel toy,

the wrestler. I think the... We're familiar. He was talking about the toy all night, the Turbo Jeff Action doll. And you see Angus like talking to some people at his table, like flapping his arms up and down, as if to intimate the action of the Turbo Jeff Action doll, and Lucretia turns back to you and says, so, um, where, where is it?

You all got him for Secret Santa, and he made his only Candle Nights wish explicitly clear multiple times. You did get the Turbo Jeff Action doll, right? Yes. This is, uh, yeah, we... Wrapped it. We're wrapping it. We're wrapping it.

We're wrapping it. She just got a 24 insight check. No, you did not. No, you did not. Boys, boys, this is bad. Even for you, Angus was really looking forward to that turbo Jeff. Well, you know, learning about disappointment is part of growing up. So true, so true.

She says, listen, I can keep the party going for a couple more hours and buy you some time. Just run down, planet side, hit up the fantasy Costco, grab a turbo Jeff, and get back up here, and get back up here, pronto. Fine, fine. Can we have some money? Do you have money? I, that's a great... Do we have money? We're pretty famous, and I have a school for dogs or whatever.

Probably a great sum of money at this point. Okay, I've been selling a lot of sit boys, so I think we're doing pretty good. One nostalgic cannon blast later, the three of you drift slowly to a halt into the Riverside District of Neverwinter. It's fairly late, and most of the citizens of the city are back at home and enjoying the holiday with loved ones by the heart.

The only activity you see, which you observed as you came in for a landing, is the throng of people surrounding the entrance to the fantasy Costco. Hundreds of humans, elves, orcs, dwarves, and countless other beings are mobbing the closed front doors of the store from a distance. You see a harried Garfield-the-Deals warlock floating just above the entrance. We're going to have to fight our way through. Shouting something you're too far away to hear. As you approach the crowd, you hear some conversations in your immediate vicinity. So they said they had Turbo Jeffs here, right? Man, I hope they've got TurboJefs.

I've looked everywhere. This is the only place with TurboJefs. And then you hear a familiar voice getting closer to you saying, Where are the Turbo Jiffs? And sticking a good two feet out of the crowd. Clark the Bug Bear, is approaching. Clark, are you into TurboJef?

Clark sees you, and he goes, boys. And he scoops you all up in a big bear hug. Hug bear. Take five points of crushing damage. Oh, no. Hold on, we should do a Constitution check or something. No, I caught you unawares with that one. But I'm a big beefy boy.

He says, Dang, sorry. Yeah, I'm here looking for a Turbo Jeff goofed up. Pretty bad. I forgot I promised one to my daughter, Blarg. Your daughter's name, Blarge? I have seven kids. Blarg, Marg, Targ, Sharg, Parg, Quarg, and Clark Jr.

You had those written down. I did. He puts a tiny scroll back in his pocket. Listen, I thought it was funny at the time, but it was not the smartest naming convention. They said they were going to team up and kill me if I didn't get one, so here I am. And then you hear another voice you recognize

who says, boys! And then you see bounding towards you the former explosives expert and current mayor of refuge, Cassidy. Who says, Oh, what in Tarnation are y'all doing here? Don't tell me you're trying to get your hands on a turbo, Jeff. Wait, are you trying to get a turbo Jeff?

Sure, Tudin. So then why would you judge us for trying to get a turbo Jeff? It wasn't judgment partner. I was excited to see kinship in your goals with mine. Well, then what? Okay. You really quit on that fast. I mean, we all have so much time in the live show for banter.

She says, Seems like you're gonna have a lot of competition, though. I got a little advantage in case it gets hairy in there. And she reaches into her pocket and pulls out like five small sticks of dynamite, and she winks. Don't, listen, don't do that. It seems like a great idea, Cassidy, but that's not how these things are done. Of course not.

Okay, I can see the winking. There's no winking, no, Cassidy. Please don't. And then you hear another voice say right in front of you. Well, uh, it seems like we're all in the same. boat. And the figure talking to you is a human man in his late 40s, you would assume he's balding with a small mustache that curls over the corners of his mouth. He's wearing an Argyle sweater over a turtleneck. He's got some functional slacks on, and he extends a hand and says,

sorry for eavesdropping. Gerald Loggins is my name. Trying to snag a turbo Jeff for my stepson, Timothy. Hey, fuck off. We were talking. Did you notice how quiet it got here? Everybody's going, which arc is this guy from? No one knows who the fuck you are, buddy.

Yeah, of course, I'll let you get back into it. Gerald Loggins. Yeah, fuck right off. Okay. I haven't seen Clark in like eight years. Yep. Well, lovely candle nights to you and yours. Okay, kiss my butt.

All right, maybe we see. And happy holidays to all of you. Yeah, maybe if we see each other in there, we're gonna watch each other's backs, huh? All right, have a good night, Gerald Loggins, and he... That was some really good character development. Clark and...

I like how he said it saves him any times. Listen, that's the... How to make friends and influence people. Say your own name, but... Say your own name, but... Wait, that's the opposite, isn't it? Okay. You see some sparkling lights surround Garfield

notices gestures as he casts a spell. Suddenly a large projection of a mouth appears in the sky, and from it you hear Garfield's amplified voice. He says, folks, listen, it is true. We indeed have a small selection of toys from the Turbo Jeff Collection.

Now, because you are a large crowd, the most sensible thing to do would be to hand out raffle tickets allowing the winner's first pick of our stock. But, as I am always in need of blood, bone, and tissue for my dark machinations, let's just toss the doors open, battle royale style.

May the odds be ever in your favor. All the door is open for this door. Magnus rushes in. There, you are towards the back of the crowd. No, shield in front of me fucking barreling through. Make an athletics check that you're

going to fucking destroy because you have a billion athletics police. Yeah, it's a 20. A Nat 20? No, I rolled a 10 plus 10. That's how math works. Taco and Merle, you see Magnus push towards

the crowd. He makes a good, like, halfway through the crowd towards the door, he's making good progress. I'm gonna cast hallucinatory terrain. What the fuck? I'm gonna, on the store. To make it look like it's on fire. I'm going to, I love this.

I'm gonna roll a wisdom saving throw for everyone. All right. I got a 13. This is what's great about that role and what's so great about sort of the random narrative additions that D&D gives us. About 60% of the crowd just says, nope, and peels off.

The rest of them are like, It's on fire, but I really got to get me a turbo, Jeff. And plow on through undeterred. Clark and Cassidy are just gone as well. You see Gerald Loggin's still kind of waiting patiently at the rear of the queue, just sort of stepping behind everybody in turn. Merlecast's blade barrier around Magnus. What?

We can't murder people. What's it saying? Hey, it's their choice if they don't... If they run into the barrier, it's their choice. That's 100% right. It's a vertical wall of whirling razor-sharp blades made of magical energy. And so...

Magnus does do a big, like, under the joint, like, Everybody move, kind of here. Oh, do I have to roll one of those things? I don't think so, right? It doesn't say, like, and you do it great. Okay, I think with that, Magnus, you are able to breach through most of the crowd. There's definitely a few dozen folks

who got in ahead of you. but you managed to make it into the store. Can't at least one person run into the magical barrier blades? Just one at least. I feel like, okay, can I say this thing? I feel like the thrill that we'll have if we do eventually get this turbo-deft doll will be somewhat invalidated by the friends we've killed along the way.

Like, I don't think we need a loss of life. And you're a cleric also, no big whoop, but you're also a cleric. I'll just heal them. Would you? Sorry, if I have the spell slots for it. Magnus, you find yourself in an aisle titled the Fresh Produce section. Suddenly, a watermelon falls from above and explodes at your feet.

As you look up, you see a large Ereococra, which is the bird person race from D&D that we didn't really explore much of, except for Jeff Angel, who is one. It's flying above you. It's not Jeff Angel. He's ripping things off the shelves and launching them at you. What do you do? I'm being attacked? With fruit. I'm not going to make this role initiative. you're in a sticky situation.

And he's also protected by a blade barrier. I mean, some of the fruit is getting caught up in the blades, but it's more of a vertical from-up top of salt. Oh, how convenient. Everything I've got would kill them. Oh, you know what? Can I climb the show? Yeah, sure.

I climb the show. All right. Now what? Thank you. Thank you for appreciating. Some dude at that love shelf climbing. I climb up the shelf. And I jump from top of shelf to top of shelf

to get to the Jeff Angel section. That's not where the Jeff Angel toys are, but you can definitely reach the Eryokokra. Listen, I've got this whole thing mapped out my mind. Don't you worry about it. All right. As much as you can tackle something that's in the air. Make an athletics check for this whole maneuver.

That's a 10 plus 10, that's a 20. Jesus Christ. Why does he get plus 10 to everything? It doesn't seem fair. Yeah, he's... I can't do magic. And he also can't think. That's fair.

Real demo. He just tackled a bird, so... Ha ha ha ha! You grab it... You jump for this thing. It tries to dodge out of the way, but you just grab its feet and just like slam dunk it into the ground.

Narrowly missing the blade storm. And you make it further into the store. Taco. Are you pushing into the store? Is Taco's contribution to this scene pretty much done? I've done my part. Okay, Merle, are you pushing into the store? Are you leaving it up to Old Magnus?

I don't see what good Merle would do. Fantastic. Lots of people opting out of the game. All right, Magnus, we can keep playing with you. Wait a minute. So he took out the bird. Yep. There's more.

We can keep going. It's fine. Magnus, you make it to the far corner of the fantasy Costco. Find yourself in an aisle called nothing but fruit leather, jerky, and nuts. The aisle is empty, safe for Gerald Loggins,

who's looking at a box of pistachio snack packs. He waves at you and steps into his aisle and says, oh, I never realized that nuts had so many calories. and he turns back to the pistachios reading the ingredients. It's mostly pistachios. What do you do?

I step carefully around them. He appreciates that and you go further into the store. Taco has now entered the store to see if there's any light looting opportunities. Let's see. There is an aisle. I'm looking through the aisles I have written down. There's one called an ocean of diapers. There's one just called Bones.

Are there any adult diapers? You could make these work for you. Okay. I mean, I'm just asking for a friend. You get some diapers. Taco, you get some bones. Cool. Do you want to try and get the Turbo Jeff now too,

or is it still on Magnus's shoulders? No, no, no. He's distracting, Big Bird. I'm going to go get the Turbo Jeff. All right. Taco, you are sprinting through the ocean of diapers aisle. When you see Clark...

I didn't say springing. You are traipsing down the ocean of diapers aisle. You see Clark in an adjacent aisle through the products on the shelves separating you. He notices you too and begins to shoulder charge to the shelves into you to knock them over. What do you do?

A cast charm person on Clark. Do you really think that would ever work? That is an 18? No, dad, it wouldn't. Apparently. Apparently, no. Apparently it wouldn't work. What's your spell casting thing?

16. Oh, no, it's higher than that. There's no way at 16. All right, Dad. Jesus. All right, he tackles the thing and it falls over on you. It's not a bad crushing,

but take 14 points of damage. And almost as soon as it happens, Clark, like, stops and says, well, okay. And he starts to pick the aisle back, the shelves back up off you. Yeah, I got a little in my. Okay, bad news.

Yeah. That was extremely rude. Yeah. Good news. I now have 69 hit points. You take the good, you take the bad. It's the facts of life. Merle, are you doing anything?

Yeah, I'm going to cast a heel on Taco. Okay. You stop off in the... But wait a minute, no. Then he's not 69 anymore. I will cast permadeth spells on you all day long if you heal me above 69 hit points. Fair enough.

Do you want to aid in the TurboJef acquisition? Yes. Okay, then you find yourself in an aisle labeled literally air and find empty shelves with price tags denoting the cost of the air circulating around them. As you stop to observe this incredibly crass business practice, Cassidy breaks off in a sprint past you. She looks at you over her shoulder and throws two of her small sticks of dynamite in your direction. What do you do?

Merlecast's control weather? Love that fucking spell. I don't. In the store? No, we can't fight control weather anymore. being a 20-minute whole thing. You're controlling the weather. And it blows the sticks of dynamite out.

It blows out the fuses. That's okay. Roll a D-20. Big one? Don't do this. I made him buy extra large dice so he could read them. It's true.

Today at Toy Joy. That's an 11 plus... Nothing. Okay, with an 11. Let's use monster plus nothing. It's just because I made this roll up in my head because we're playing Calvin Ball now. With an 11, we're going to do Monster of the Week rules.

It's a mixed success. You managed to hit the sticks of dynamite with the wind. They go flying back in Cassidy's face and explode at her feet. She's fine. This happens all the time in her profession. She goes flying through the air and lands on the ground and says, you got me good with that one. Hoisted on my own pittard.

And that's the literal definition. That's how this phrase is supposed to be used. That's what Shakespeare intended. And then she passes out. She's fine, but you blew her up a bit. Magnus, you arrived. Actually, the three of you reconvene at the toy department, where a large, undisturbed display of Turbo Jeff series,

toys stands in a tall pyramid. Garfield materializes over this display with wide open arms. He says, I knew it would be you. Only trace horny boys possess the cutthroat instincts required to win the day when the chips are down. How many of your competitors did you vanquished during your hunt? Like, kill them?

Yes. I don't think any. How about that? Well, shoot! Well, the treasure's yours, enjoy. And he gestures towards the pyramid. You do not see the familiar birdman form of the wrestler Jeff Angel.

Rather, contained within every box in the pyramid is an action figure of a thick human man wearing a brown suit jacket up top and a diaper down below, holding a briefcase in one hand and extending an intense pointed finger with the other. The business, baby? You realize with horror that these toys are from the Turbo Jeff toy line, but sadly, are toy versions of Jeff Angel's widely reviled manager Cherub Joe.

Garfield! Garfield, sensing your threatening tone pipes up. He says, okay, listen, listen, I know. I know. Listen, look at me. I know. Listen, you all didn't hear it from me, but I do know where you can find a real Turbo Jeff Action doll. There's this dungeon nearby.

Snow? Audience, listen. Subterranean keep layer of a massive, ruthless ogre, at the heart of that keep, you'll find what you desire. Fortunately, I have a map that can show you the way, and because we're old friends, it'll just be 300 gold pieces. Give it to us and we're going to burn down your store.

Looks like you already are, and he hands it over. Also, can I have the diaper guy? I'm crazy about this. He's hilarious. He hands you a doll of Cherub Joe. Can you guys see this? Make it do the thing. It's good.

His little wings pop out? It's hysterical. You pop the Cherub Joe out of its mint condition packaging and put it in your pocket. The three of you follow Garfield's map into the sewers below Never Winter, then into an underground water channel leading to a series of subterranean caves. You follow these caverns for what feels like ages, giving you plenty of time to reconsider. Can we see Tom Hanks as we walk by him?

Sorry, what? It's from mazes and monsters. Are you shitting me with this? It's like five people saw that film, bud. And none of them are here. It gives you plenty of time to wonder whether or not this quest is actually worth it. Just as your resolve begins to waver, you find yourself at the entrance to an underground residence. The cavern you were following is blocked off entirely by a large wooden wall.

A set of steps leads up to a door, flanked by torches leading further into the residence. In the distance, you hear the footfalls of a massive creature. You also hear footfalls behind you, belonging to much smaller beings. As you turn to face them, you see Clark the bugbear and Gerald, both looking at their own maps and exploring the caverns. And Clark sighs as he sees you and sort of balls up his map and throws it away. And Gerald actually looks excited as he recognizes the three of you. He says, oh, hey there, guys, a fancy meeting of all the gin joints, right?

How the heck are you? Oh, my, this guy. God damn it. And Clark says, listen, maybe we should tackle this together. We could figure out who gets the toy after. We'll flip a coin or something. I mean, we definitely aren't giving it to Gerald. Yes.

But we can flip a coin. Gerald, you're cool with that? Absolutely. It sounds totally fair to me. Gerald, what are you bringing to the party? Precisely. Are you like a necromancer? How many all dimensions have you saved?

How many times have you saved all dimensions? Use planerverse. That drives Griffin crazy. Plainerverse. The planar verse. I'm trying to save my steps on Timothy's candle nights. Christ. How many planes of existence has he saved?

I'm just none. it would build a lot of bridges between me and my Timothy, so just trying to... Have you tried just talking to him? Have you tried being there when he needed you? Yeah. Yeah, it hasn't worked so far. Are you sure you want to build a relationship with him? He sounds like he sucks.

How are you and his mom getting along? It's quiet for a minute. What do you do? You're standing in front of the entrance to a subterranean home. What do you do? Should we not? If that's what your character has decided to do in the game Dungeons and Dragons.

Magnus Knox. I would feel better if you'd patch things up with Gerald first. Yeah, they'd just like hanging over everybody. It feels weird. It was so honest. I feel like you said that because there's an audience. I feel like if there was an audience. Yeah, you know what, Gerald?

I said that because there was an audience. And I wouldn't have said it if there wasn't an audience. And I didn't mean about Timothy. I'm sure he's great. It was just a joke. I made, and I made it at your expense and Timothy's expense, and I was on call for it, and I bet Timothy...

Yeah, look at the clock, holy shit. A tear falls from his eye, he's like, we're good, now... What do you do? Now, there's a door? Is there a door? You said a wooden wall. A set of stairs leading up to a porch with a front door. I knock on the door? Roll a dexterity saving throw. All of us are just him? Just him. Nice.

That is a 10. You start walking up the stairs, and as you do, you realize that they are quite slippery. There's a lot of ice, actually, on these stairs. You slip and fall down the stairs. Take nine damage. Make another dexterity saving throw.

Sure. That is a 16. As you land on the floor, there's a rumble throughout the cavern, and a stalactite falls from the ceiling. You roll out of the way at the last second as it crashes into the floor. How much damage did I take? You took nine points of damage from the falling down the stairs.

That'll be a deal. What do you do? I still didn't get a chance to knock. Okay. I try again. Roll a dexterity saving throw. God, this is like 10 cup. That's a 13.

You slip and fall down the stairs. Can I say dad said this is like 10 cup? And it is very much like 10 cup. Thank you, Dad. You take 11 points of damage. You fell harder this time. You were made more tender by the first fall. The salactite trap has already been activated.

What do you do? Wait. Wait, madness. Nope. Take eight points of damage, you fall down the stairs again. You're gonna fucking die on these stairs. I run and jump. Okay, make an acrobatics roll.

Acrobatics 13. Don't, don't. In the interest of fucking playing the rest of the game, you jump up the stairs, it's extremely close. What do you do? Knock on the door. There's no answer. Knock harder.

I make an attack on the door with a phantom fist. Okay. Are we not playing anymore? I'm, let's all listen. 22 against the door. I'll watch this all day. Yeah. It is a thick, it is a thick ogre door.

You pound on it. No results, no answer. Make a dexterity saving throw. Wait, the door dodged my attack? You just didn't knock it down hard enough. I have push with the fan fist. We got to keep going. Dexterity saving throw.

No, we're not going anywhere. No, that's an 11. You see the mail slot on the door slide open and a crossbow bolt fires out at you. You take 15 piercing damage as one shoots you in the gut. Hey, make a dexterity saving throw. Nope. You slip and fall down the stairs.

Take nine points of damage. He else want to try something. I feel like this is going to work. Yeah. I just wish I was videoing. I'm almost blood in case anyone was wondering. Okay, let me look at you. Okay, I use the hole thrower.

Okay, you use the hole thrower. I want to make you roll for it because you'll be able to make a big enough hole for you to get through. As you do that, a hole in the door opens up. Behind it, you do see a crossbow set up as a trap. You also see some sort of hot cauldron under the doorknob on their side

that is making it very hot. It's fucking home alone? Yup. I will also say, the stair ice has been slipped on so much, it melted. You're all welcome. My hero. What do you all do? Someone else out of the Magnus want to play.

I crawl through the hole and kick the crossbow over. Make a dexterity safer. Nine. Plus three. Above the door, a flame cannon activates and shoots your head. You take two. 20 fire damage and your head's on fire. It needs to be a good time for some healing.

Tough shit. I tried to heal before and got nothing but grief. Now that you are inside the building and you have a big hole and you all are in the door and you all are there, you can see at the top of the stairs. You're in a foyer where there are some interests to some other rooms around the first floor. At the top of the stairs, you see an ogre.

A big, big old ogre at the top of the stairs. Big Juicy Oger. Who sees you and smiles as you are caught up in his traps. Through the door, Clark sees Taco's head on fire and says, You know what? I'm good. I'll figure something else out. I might go back to the Costco and give me one of them chair of Joe's

and see if maybe that'll pass. I'll catch y'all in the next adventure. And he walks away out of the cave. Bye. Bye, Clark. Gerald Loggins carefully. pursues the three of you. All right.

Merle cast mass healing word. Thank you, Mark. What's that get everybody? Yeah, everyone you can see within range regains hit points equal to 1D4 plus your spellcasting ability modifier.

That's not very much health. It's mass. Yes, son. Okay. That is a three? Yep. Plus...

We'll say eight. That's 11 points of damage, everybody heals. Congratulations. Taco's still on fire. Who wants to go next? Wait, eight? I would like to. I would say Magnus has matured over time. Okay. I would like to look at the ogre and say, we've come for the Jeff Angel doll.

And if you give it to me right now, we won't murder you. Make a, what's the threat one? Isn't a threat. It's just a simple conversation. I think it's intimidation. You've got to be good at that. Nope. Okay. That was the three.

He nods his head, yes, and the three of you are absolutely convinced that he is telling the truth. He begins to gesture into a bedroom on the second floor, gesturing you all to come up the stairs. Taco's head is still on fire. Magnus goes up the stairs. He has no reason not to. Merle beats on his head? No, no, no. No, Magnus, your feet are stuck in tar.

You have to take your shoes off. I put my hat out. Okay. Yeah, it's just his hat. You pat your hat furiously and the fire goes out. Okay, you're going to pay for that. How? It's my favorite head.

Sure. I cast... Levitate. Okay, on me... Yes. To go up to the second floor without using the stairs. You do it. And on the way, you see so many traps.

You see so many traps. And you go, mm, good. Do you tell your friends about all the traps? Hey, there's so many traps that you're going to freak out. As he says that, you all see immediately some nails on the steps and some pink cans hanging above you. Now the taco has pointed them out. You can get around them safely. The ogre looks worried, though, and runs off into the bedroom.

And now you all have made it to the top of the stairs safely because of Taco's help. What do you do? Thank you, Taco. I feel good about myself, I guess. For sure. Okay, so he ran into the bedroom. Guys, I think he wants us to follow him. Gerald says, that's a good point.

What the fuck? I'll check the, I'll check the first floor just to be safe. You all, you all get him. Oh, this is fun. You all get them. And he heads down into the first floor to look around. What do we do? It's not my turn.

Merle? I did that great thing where I levitated. Merle casts... Okay. It's a bad start, but... I already did the weather thing, didn't I? Yeah, you can do it again. I don't give a shit.

All right, then I'll save it. Alex not to take a turn. No, okay. Merle walks into the bedroom. Hey, does a 23 beat your AC? Yes. A giant tarantula jumps on top of you and begins biting you furiously.

As Taco and Magnus. That is 18 points of poison damage. You are bit and you are bit and bit and bit and bit. You're also a dwarf, so half that. You're welcome for me remembering that extremely arcane rule about dwarves. I run over and kick the spider. Okay, do it.

Roll a D20 with your just attack. Two. I got a two. You kick it. You kick the tarantula right in the fang. Take 11 points of poison damage. I hate it with the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of dude. It dies, it dies, it dies.

It dies, it dies. It dies. You cut it in half it dies. Go ahead and roll. Nope. Hold on. Why did you roll? I rolled a one, but I get a re-roll on one because I have a lot of lucky thing.

Oh, okay, you're right. The tooth necklace. So that was a 13 plus, I don't know, like 12 probably. Yeah, you're good. I can't believe you remembered a magic item you have. I'm so proud. Only the one that keeps you. from fucking up real bad.

Yeah, the spider just, it disintegrates, it died. And there you see in this bedroom a candle night bush. It's a progressive family. They keep the candle night bush in the child's bedroom. It spoils the surprise,

candle night's morning, but it's convenient for him, I suppose. He looks kind of scared as you all breach. Wait, is the ogre a kid? It's an ogre. It's a big ogre. It's hard to tell. Yeah, it's a kid. And he's standing over the candle knight's bush.

A single wrapped present is under the bush. And as you all over, all break into the room all together. He looks down and he looks at you scared and his chin starts to wobble a little bit and then through the windows in his room

you see two giant eyes appear and you hear a booming voice say, Because ghoul we are so sorry we forgot you at home during trip to blood pits can you ever forgive us? And the little ogre just breaks

down in tears and jumps out the window to its mommy and daddy. Is the president still in? No, he picks it up. Fuck. Travis, why did you just say anything? The big ogre says, You there, small ones, thank you

for keeping our cause ghoul safe during our absence. How can we repay you? Give us the... Will we? Absolutely not. That thing was super hard to find. But we can do you one, brink.

Oh, no. I can show you the secret location of the Turbo Jeff factory. You go there and find all the Turbo Jeffs you need. Okay. Thank you. He scoops you up, puts him in his pocket,

and starts walking away. Gerald Loggins approaches and says, Oh, you guys go with the... Yeah, you follow Gerald or whatever. All right, and he just starts sprinting trying to keep up with the giant gates of these ogres. You follow the ogres through the fastest route out of the caverns,

and they point you in the directions of the TurboJef. The direction is just one of the TurboJef factory. It's a surprisingly short walk you're there in minutes, although it takes considerably longer for Gerald Loggins to catch up. It is secluded, built into a span of a narrow mountain pass. It's a castle-like stone structure reaching up into the sky, lit with industrial fluorescent lights hanging from its roof. Inside, you hear the noise of machine.

whirring and clanging. And then you hear Gerald Loggins deeply out of breath behind you as he catches up. And he gives a faint smile. He says, you're going to have some stories from this one, huh?

Yeah, this is easily one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to us. You notice that some of his clothes are badly singed and he's got some speckles of hot tar peppered across his face. Don't feel bad for Gerald Loggins. Which you assume he got from the...

What you don't know, he's been in Besley. He says, I sure hope my, my sweet Timothy appreciates the tremendous sacrifices I've made tonight. He won't. And he, um... Kids. Yeah. And like a true gentleman, Gerald steps forward and holds the door to the factory open for the three of you. Thanks, Gerald.

Honestly, I assume we would have taken the break by now, so I'm not sure what to do next. We enter the factory. Have you earned nothing? You think the factory is the movie trapped, too? The Home Alone segment of the show is. That would be great, though. When you all least expected on an adventure next year, I'm just going to put more home alone traps in it.

You all step foot into a loud expansive, yet orderly scene. Conveyor belts are collecting different components as they pour from dozens of large mold suspended from the ceiling. The belts converge on a large, a single rotating platform where dozens of thin metal arms grab various appendages and snap them together into a humanoid bird form. From there, they fall into a shoot where they're painted, polished, and wrapped neatly in a package.

Then they're collected by hooks that pulled them upward into a room, suspended on a catwalk. This isn't like an episode of fucking how it's made, man. This is good shit. Inside, you see a light flashing rhythmically as each completed doll enters and exits the room. Each time you see the silhouette of a humanoid figure with his arms raised over his head

and hear muffled chanting coming from inside. From there, they drop down one last shoot and land in a neat pattern on a series, of palettes. This is it, the epicenter of the Turbo Jeff phenomenon. Nice. We grab like 20 of them. Just walk over and grab as literally as many as I can carry. As you take a

step forward from behind the machinery on ground level, you hear someone clear their throat as the four of you take a step forward. I don't know why I put that in there twice. They clap their hands, speakers lower from long metal rods from the ceiling and begin playing a song. Wait, a single spotlight shines down from the ceiling

onto the center of the room. You hear the wrapping of talons against the factory's steel floor as a figure approaches the spotlight. Then he steps into view. Two long powerful wings, bare rippling chest, sweatbands around each wrist, and of course jean shorts the end just beyond the knee. Jeff Angel finds his light and flexes to the beat of his theme song. He says,

Jeff Angel has got to start locking the door to his factory. Or at least booby-trapping it. That's a good idea, too. Tell me the truth. You should always tell the truth. True, to parents, cops, and strangers. Are you here for a Turbo Jeff action doll? Yeah.

A couple, I think. The room up on the catwalk flashes again, you hear louder chanting. He says, is it for some kids? Just one. The others were going to eBay. Are the kids sick? Yeah.

He has an eye condition. They aren't sick. Even, oh, still good enough. They have astigmatism. That's all Jeff Angel needs to hear. Go nuts. And he gestures towards all of the Jeff Angel Turbo Jeff dolls.

There's another flash. Jeff Angel's eyes dart nervously to the suspended chamber on the catwalk then back at you. So just the one Turbo Jeff each. Maybe you've got some cousins you want to ship them off too? Yeah, I mean, you can take like four or five each?

Yeah, I've got some cousins. Yeah, I got a cousin. A couple cousins. Gerald Loggins walks over the pile and starts picking some up. He's got tears in his eyes. his quest has almost come to an end. You hear another flash, see another flash

up in the room in the catwalk and hear even louder, more frantic chanting. I'm going to roll a perception check on the... It's a two. It doesn't matter. Hey, Jeff, what's happening up there? Murlcast's Zone of Truth. I got a critical failure. Now! Tell us your secrets, Jeff.

Now Griffin has to tell you the truth. Quality control? Nope. We're doing evil stuff up there. He's like clutching his throat. I'm going to do evil stuff. Listen. Listen.

He flexes. Oh, yeah. That's a weird flex, but okay. That's a weird flex, but okay. Listen. You didn't nail it. You didn't nail it. You didn't nail it.

Griffin will edit yours out. Okay. You come to my factory, uninvited. I offer you free merch. I feel like you're just throwing it back in my face. Gang. No, it's me. Jeff Angel. Eat your greens. Tell the truth. Call your dad. All that stuff? There's no way I'd be capable getting into the kind of nefarious business you seem to be accusing me of unless.

Unless. And then what happens next happens so fast your eyes can barely process it. Jeff Angel isn't in front of you anymore. He's just on Gerald Loggins. He lifts him into the air with his powerful wings, then flings him over the shoulder and does a backwards somersault, diving him into the ground and suplexes Gerald so hard that both of his shoes go flying off. And Jeff Angel looks at the three of you kneeling over Gerald's crumpled form on the floor and says, unless I'm making one hell of a heel turn. We're going to go to intermission.

We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy, your best friend, and your little holiday sugar plum. Thanks for listening to the live candle night special of the Adventure Zone. I've just bitten my tongue very, very badly during lunch. And so it's going to affect my delivery of these, the final ads of, of 2018 here on the Adventure Zone. But damn it, I'm going to do my best

because I'm a radio professional. That's it for ads. We're going to get back to the rest of the episode here in just a bit. I just wanted to say thank you all so much for supporting the Adventure Zone in 2018. It's been a fun year, sort of finding our legs with amnesty

and trying out some other stuff and doing a bunch of live shows and thank you all for sticking with us along the way. If you don't mind tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag, that would help us out a whole lot. And hey, while you're at it, why don't you go to our new website? It's the Macroy.comely, or simply Maceroy.

It's got a bunch of stuff on there. It's where we're going to announce, you know, shows and put all our news and all of our new episodes and all of our new merch. And it's going to be sort of the destination for all of our shit moving forward. So again, that's the Macroy. com. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. Go to Maximum Fun. Check out all the great shows there, like stop podcasting yourself and the Beef and Dairy Network and so many more at maximum fun.org. And I think that's it. Enjoy the rest of the time. episode have a wonderful wonderful holiday candle night season and a great new year and we will be back in 2019 with new episodes of the adventure zone amnesty so see you then bye roll or did you what did you all get for the rolls on 14 i got a 14 as well who's got the more dexterity probably taco right yep 19 is this one of those i didn't want to go to win this

i don't know dude but we've been doing live shows actually like pretty consistently this year compared to previous years? Merle always fucking goes first. You always crush the initiative roll. It's just, it's fine. It's just weird, isn't it? I guess you get to roll twice. Anyway, this is nothing.

Merle, you are up first. Let me set the scene for you just in case you are meat drunk from all the Lamberts we ate backstage. Jeff Angel is facing down your party menacingly. Behind him, the machinery of this factory is still in operation, forming pieces, putting them together, packaging them,

and sending them up to a room on the catwalk where bright lights are periodically flip. before being loaded up for shipment. At your feet is Gerald Loggins, who has just been put directly in the toilet. What do you do? You had 20 minutes to think about this. But I didn't.

Yeah. Well, there it is. You can't argue with that, Gervyn. He's got you there. I have a hunch. I'm going to heal Gerald Loggins. I'm not. He's not really that good at he either guy.

What do I roll? D4. Two plus my spellcast. He healed them for 10. Which heals Gerald Loggins back up to Max. He is a small... You know, a thank you would be nice. Thank you.

Gerald Loggins, I've just decided his D&D class is stepdad. He says... He like leaps up from the floor. He says, wow, I haven't felt this good in years. Thanks, Merle. I actually haven't felt this good since Timothy became my stepson I feel good about myself

so thank you, Morrow it's good to be appreciated for a change thank you Gerald you healed him so hard and you're like healed Gerald Sianica that's been bothering him for years next up is Jeff Angel who points at Meryl and says

hey I just finished beating that dude's ass and he runs up to you and does a move that I've written down here as Punch Storm. It's 21 versus AC, Merle. Yes. Yeah, it hits. He bludgeoned you

for 22 bludgeoning damage. As a storm of punch... You actually have disadvantaged because I'm standing here, Merle, and I'm a production of finance. Punch storm! That has a 19. I'll speak for him. I know how to play the game.

Evidence would suggest otherwise. The... I like to imagine that Jeff just walked over to punch her when I went, hold on. Hold on. You put your shield up and just held it there while Plank, bling, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. A storm of punches comes out of Jeff Angel's arms.

For his second action, Magnus, make a wisdom saving throw. That's a 15. You have failed. You see him wave his arm in front of his face and turn invisible. When he reappears, he is in the process of choke slamming you to the ground for 18 points of bludgeoning damage. That is the end of his turn. We are moving on to Taco from TV.

What is the, another's Jeff. What's like the arrangement of the bad people? There's just Jeff that you can see. there's a bunch of sort of machinery putting the turbo Jeff action dolls together there is a room suspended on a catwalk above you where Jeff Angel I guess confess that bad things are happening up there

that's sort of in the center of the room just sort of directly above you you all sort of have line of sight on it other than that there's no other bad people unless Gerald Loggins is bad you haven't really had a long discussion with him to dial into that he's not bad though he's great I'm gonna

okay I'm gonna make a run at Jeff Angel. And as I'm running at Jeff Angel, I'm going to tackle Jeff Angel. But as I do, I'm going to pop a piece of mockingbird gum. Okay.

So I'm running out and pop a piece of a mockingbird gum. I tackle him. Okay. And then I shout at his microphone. Guys, he's killing me. Tell him the plan. Quick. This is, okay. This is like four rolls. So wait, so in your,

no, it's not. What I roll to chew, okay, would I roll to chew gum? No. Okay, would I roll to talk? No. Would I roll to walk towards someone? Now, be careful. You would roll to tackle and to deceive.

We'll fold it into one. Okay. You're not gonna hurt Jeff Angel with this roll. This is the trade-off. No, this is not an attack girl. Roll a deception. Of course I'm not gonna, okay, here's the thing. I had to get close to him.

I could have just hugged him. Like, it doesn't matter. I'd had to get close to him to be able to use his microphone and to make it unclear where the voice is coming. Make a deception check. You have advantage because of the great gum. Even though in a previous live show,

you did say you chew all the pieces of Mockingbird gum, I believe it was the pirate episode. He said, he tucked it behind his ear. Chronologically speaking, this one actually comes before the other one. Except it doesn't because Dracula is in Act 1. It's a diff, it's Gary Oldman Dracula, and that was Bellwell Goes He said.

It's a third Dracula. It's not the Dracula. It's not the Dracula. It's fucking fine, whatever. It's Leslie Nielsen's Dracula. dead and loving at me. Yeah, so I got a 17. Yeah, that does it.

With that, the shit. The shutters of the room above you slide open. Inside there, you see the process that you kind of figured out through the sort of shadows that you saw every time the light flashed. Dolls are being brought up into this room on the conveyor belt,

brought to the center of the room where a figure is casting some sort of spell or enchantment on them before they drop down on delivery pallets. Only now with the shutters open, you do see that figure. He is leaning out of the room, sort of looking worried that Jeff Angel is being destroyed. You see

a shitty brown suit. You see, just peeking over the top of the window a little bit of diaper. You see the form of Cherub Joe, the manager of Jeff Angel, who looks down at you and says, Oh, Jeff, you... Oh, I see.

This is one of those ruses, huh? Did you do it? Hey, you with the hat that's burned up. Did you do a ruse on me? You've had a ruse from the best, my friend. And nods his head. Yes. Yes.

Well, it's cliche, but you seem too much. And he flicks his wrists outward. And just like that, From the delivery pallets, you see fists punching out of plastic. All of the Turbo Jeff dolls come to life and begin springing from their packaging. This swarm of Turbo Jeff dolls is animated and now approaching your party. Next in the order is Magnus. Well, they've made one mistake, Griffin.

Okay. They've brought a thousand Turbo Jeffs to a gunfight. They let Magnus loose. in a factory that you described having a bunch of thin metal robot arms. Sure. So I'm just gonna go ahead and rip those all up. Sure, those are all sort of suspended

on this rotating circular platform in the middle of the room, still putting pieces of new turbo-chefs together. Do you need me to roll for that? Yeah, roll a string saving throw. Let's see, a string check. There's a 26? Oh, shit.

You get them all. And with that... And then I hold them. them out like fans between each like fingers I'm holding basically let's see one two three yeah you look wild man yeah like Wolverine only with robot hands and then I start just

sweeping the the Jeff dolls knocking them down they are I have them in here as a swarm so this is just going to be an attack roll use like your chance lance stats against them obviously you are using a bunch of metal arms

so there won't be that is a 16 that beats their AC And I hit them. Yeah, you sure do. Roll, uh, shit, man. 2D10 plus your strength modifier. I'll give you that.

I mean, it's a bunch of metal arms. I don't know, y'all. I was fucking making it up. Nine. Nine, 18 plus 10, 28. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you clear out a good number of them.

Like a third of the dolls. You just see arms and legs go flying. And now that you've ripped all the arms off the conveyor belt has come to a complete stop, uh, all of the turbojephyft. that were being put together are sort of halted in the middle of their process, and the turbochefs that go down and pieces stay down. Next in the order is Cherub Joe.

Cherub Joe, hmm. Merle, make a dexterity saving throw. Yep. 14 plus one. No, six. What? 20. 10.

Yeah, with a 20, you see a bunch of objects in the room begin to animate. There's actually a little dining area for employees, which I guess is just Cherub Joe and Jeff Angel. And the tables and chairs in this dining area begin to animate and walk towards you, like the Mickey Sorcerer scene from Fantasia, and then they all just fling themselves in your direction.

And the two of you see Merle just dodging out of the way, and he is not struck by any of the tables and chairs. The next in the order... Wait, wait, wait. I just picture how cool that looks. It looks very cool. Next in the order is the Turbo Jeffs, who have been weakened by Magnus's.

Let's see. Taco. Let's make a strength contest of it. What do you say? Me versus a tiny action figure? Versus dozens and dozens of tiny action figures who are ganging up on you. Ooh, that's a 17 for me.

That's a 19 for me. What the fuck? They all come up to you, a bunch of tiny Birdman Jeff Angels, and they start like grabbing at your feet, and your ankles and just trying to pick you up. Trying to pick you up. But they can't.

They're still dolls. Yeah, they don't succeed. They actually don't have muscle mass as dolls. And in fact, in... I'm not saying the animating them. Has it put, like, blood and muscle and sinew in them? Now let's explore that. And souls?

Are there souls in free will? And choice, yeah. I'm going to say... I don't want to fight these guys. Oh, have you better? No. It's the Candle Knights. special, so I'm going to say no on that one.

But because of their failed role, you immediately stomp the ones who are just under your feet, taking out a few more Turbo Jeff dolls in the process. Next up is... Oh, God. Gerald Loggins. I don't know why I included him in on this. Gerald Loggins gets in a...

He gets in a fierce battle with one Turbo Jeff doll. And he loses it. This Turbo Jeff... has him pinned to the ground. Merle, you're up. Save Gerald. No, I won't. I actually will, you are not allowed to spend both of your turns in a row

saving Gerald Loggins. I didn't intend on it. Okay. Let me open. His magic glowing book. Magic glow that changes colors. You got like two more live shows where the audience is going to be impressed by that.

I know. Especially since I've brought. You fucking broke it. I broke it. Oh wait. Merle Cass Guardian of Faith. That old chestnut. To protect us from the swarm of...

I like that. I like that. Remind me, do you have the cart out in front of you? I certainly do, Griffin. Read me that, please. A large spectral guardian appears and hovers for the duration in an unoccupied space of your choice

that you can see within range. The guardian occupies that space and is indistinct, except for a gleaming, well, but we make her to stand. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. It's Delores. It is Delorese. Okay, Deloresse appears and brings out her mighty flaming sword, and she just gets to work. Usually Delores gets in a defensive pose and just waits. She appears, like, mid-swing with her sword, and is just cutting these turbo-Jep dolls to ribbons. Because she thinks candle night should be

about the candles and not the presents. Exactly. It is a purposeful, principled slaughter as she takes out all but just a small handful, a couple dozen of the Turbo Jeff dolls. I'm going to add another person to the order. Tacco. Yeah? Make a perception check. 16. 10 plus 6.22. You feel something moving in your pocket. begins to climb up your shirt and take you by the throat. It is the tiny toy chair of Joe that you've got from the fantasy gospel earlier.

Not like this. I knew he would come in handy later. I just thought it would be for me. He is still one tiny doll. So, uh, I don't know, he's probably just like a necktie at this point, trying to choke you, but to no avail. What do you do with your friend here? Uh, I am going to, uh, I'm going to emulate him.

Okay. That's a free, I'll give you that as a free reaction. It's almost like a, that can't trip, like the presentation is like, boof, God. That's all you need.

He's melting. His wax is melting, and he looks up at you. Don't awe him? He looks up at you. And he says, he was a bad toy to start with. You drop him because he's on fire

and he lands on his feet and his torso and head is melting. He looks up at you, and he says, Daddy. I was just trying to hug. Next up is Jeff Angel. Everybody make a

dexterity saving throw. 20. 20. Good round. Matt 11. That's a 21 Premier Boy. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I add six.

Okay. Right? 17. Dexterity saving throw. The three of you see Jeff Angel stop and consider his actions. Then he takes a step over towards Gerald Loggins and grabs him by the ankles and begins

spinning him around and a beautiful whirlwind attack. Taco and Magnus, you just kind of like, you step back. He's still a small man. You understand the physics of how to get out of the way of him. Merle, you do not. You are clocked by a spinning Gerald Loggins. Take 11 points of bludgeoning damage. Well, my rule was higher than theirs. No, it wasn't. Not. Is 17 higher than 20 or 21?

You taught us math. Too well, my friend. Too well. Next. Wait, wait, wait. How much? Take off how much? 11 points of... 11 points of legend damage. Next up, he has a second attack.

Magnus, let's have a strength contest. All right, fuck off. I got a 23. Oh, boy, ye. That is better than mine, but I'm gonna use indomitable. Okay? Just take it. Just take it for once. Okay, that's a 20...

That is better than mine, but I'm going to use indomitable. Okay? Just take it. Just take it for once. Okay, that's a 27. 27. He runs in and the two of you crackle. Okay, that is better than mine, but I'm going to use indomitable. Okay. Just take it. Just take it for once. Okay, that's a 27. 27.

He runs in and the two of you grapple. Okay, so I'll give it some flavor. He starts to go down, and then man just lexed it and pushes back down. Yeah, I like that. You two are grappling each other, and you can tell he's trying to just take you to suplex City, but you take him to suplex City. He crashes to the ground behind you and takes 18 points of bludgeoning damage from the reverse suplex.

And when that happens, something weird also happens. You see a little split form in the same. side of his arm and from that you actually see some stuffing coming out of him. Next in the order is Taco. Oh, sorry, holy shit, he's a bird. Like cotton stuffing. Thank you. Somebody sitting right in front of me was like, hmm, stuffing.

And I was like, oh shit, that could mean a lot of things. It is pretty close to Thanksgiving. It's also close to Thanksgiving, yes. Taco. What's the situation? How many haters do we have love? There's not that many dolls left. You got a slightly injured Jeff Angel on the floor

with some stuff coming out of him and yet unharmed cherub Joe's still up in the suspended room on the catwalk. Okay. Also, I'll give you this. On the catwalk, you hear other sounds of activity that you can't quite see from your vantage point. That's all I'll give you.

Okay, you know what? If you were going to set that room on fire or something, I'm not going to make you not do it. I'm just going to paint this, paint the scene for you. You know what? I'm just going to blast that room with sunbeam because I'm tired of it. Okay.

What's that do now? That's a beam of brilliant light flashes out from my hand and a five foot wide, 60 foot long line. It's a long fucking beam, dog. It's a big beam, baby. I love that what's just happened is Justin's like, what's up with that room? And girlfriend was like, just, you know, there might be other people in there.

And Justin's like, fuck it. I'm going to cut it with my lightsaber. I'm going to nuke it with the sun. It's not going to be like a charity. Do you roll or I roll or I roll? You don't know. Constitution saving service for everybody in there.

Oh, boy. All the orphans and everything. 14 is not going to do it. Nope. The other thing in the room instantly fails. Okay. Oh, no. No, you're fine.

Okay. Creature takes six D8 radiant damage. Can you roll from it? Do you have that little demoflachi? Sure. I don't want to roll a D8 six times.

That sounds incredibly boring. These people paying a lot of money to be here. This beautiful venue that Willie Nelson made. I got 34. With a 34, you hit, you hit Cherub. What? Oh, 34 damage.

Sorry, I spaced out for a little bit. I thought that was your role. 34 points of fiery damage. With that, you blasted Cherob Joe directly, and he falls to the floor. The beam is so wide and so big. He's also blinded. He's fine.

The other thing in the room is not. With your very powerful beam, 60 feet, it cuts through the fucking ceiling of this factory. It also cuts the catwalk in half. It swings down, falling and dropping the room that it was holding, which crashes into the ruined machinery below. And tumbling out of this big crumpled mess, you see a fairly large safe that tumbles to your feet.

Cherub Joe is fucked up. Jeff Angels, not great, not that many dolls left. Next in the order is Magnus Burnsides. Okay. Yes. Magnus is having a

choice here. Yeah. I choose your own adventure. On the one hand, he looks at his thieves tools and he looks at the safe. Yeah. On the other hand, he looks at his flaming, ranging, voicing, or doom, and he looks at Jeff Angel. Yeah. This is like the guy looking at a not his girlfriend meme where...

I get you. The flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom is walking by you on the street and looks very attractive to you. I'm going to go for the safe. Oh, wow. Okay. I stand corrected. Roll, what is it? You roll your dex.

You're proficient with your thieves tools. Yes. So you get a proficiency bonus. Roll a D20. Wow. Have you ever picked a... fucking lock before? No, it's 19. Wait, is this the

moment you're going to do that? Not just when you want to do it. Listen, a safe as present. I've matured a lot over the years. You've matured, you're just going to pick a safe in the middle of a fight, like a mature adult. Everybody stop. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Yeah, sorry, I just had to roll initiative. You popped the

safe open. And tumbling out of it, you see, well, first you see a few feathers that pop out. And then rolling out of a safe, you see the somewhat emaciated form of Jeff Angel. That's what I thought. Jeff Angel crawls out of his safe and tries to stand to his feet. You can tell he's been severely weakened by his time in a safe.

And then he says, he says, where are my jeans shorts? Is he nude? He's also nude. Is he covered in his own droppings? No, this isn't seven. No, it's like a, like a pigeon. Okay, I'm going to then use my action search. Yes.

To then throw a chance lance at the fake Jeff Angel. I love it. 20? Yes, that is a hit. On the fake Jeff Angel. What? Where is it? I have so many dice.

Roll one of mine. Oh, shit. Oh, God, oh, no. Okay, three plus four, seven damage with the chance lands. Okay. That's not a ton of damage, as you know, but it does a decent amount. You stab right through him,

and now you can tell this is, this is, this is, I mean, you probably already knew it was not the real Jeff Angel. But this one is a stuffed sort of animated golem, and he takes seven points of damage. Guys, I'm starting to think, That's not the real Jeff Ansel. Next step is Cherub Joe. Cherub Joe.

Oh, Cherub Joe, what do you do? My sweet Cherub Joe. It's become a ballad now. Cherub Joe, you're probably going to die before you get another turn, Cherub Joe. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw. Including you, Gerald Loggins, and Jeff Angel. Gerald's got a Nat 20.

Fuck yeah. Real Jeff Angel got an 18. I got a 10. That's an 8. from your boy. You don't have any pluses to your deck saving through? It's an 11 from your boy.

Wowzers. And Merle. Not one. Not one. No, it's a five. All right, here's what I'll give you. Cherub Joe reaches up with his hand and twists it and animates some objects. He

animates these vats of molten plastic above that are pouring pieces of Jeff Angel into the molds. And with that, you see bolts start shooting out of these vats, and it tilts over and begins to dump hot plastic on all three of you. And in one heroic tackle,

Gerald Loggins dives into the three of you, pushing you out of the way of the deluge. He gets a little bit on his legs. His beautiful, beautiful legs. His beautiful perfect. He has killed insulin. But luckily his slacks are functional enough. His slacks finned off the molten plastic.

Wait, plus one slacks. Which part of the slacks were burned? The bottoms? Yes. Okay. I ripped Gerald's pants off and tossed them to Jeff. You pantsed Gerald Loggins? He saves our lives?

For the greater good. Gerald Loggan stands up. He needs his spinach, Raby? Gerald Loggin stands up, molten plastic pouring down his ruined calves and says, wow, I never really knew. I guess people are really capable of so much more than they think when they're pushed to their... Tocco rips his fucking pants off.

And because he's a wizard, he just throws them at Jeff Angel's dick and they're on him. Gerald Loggins accepts this. Next up As he accepts so much in his life Next up is real Jeff Angel Justin McRoy can you look at the dice It's a 20

Those jean shorts They were actually I think like khaki shorts We'll go with it You see You see his dilapidated muscles instantly regrow As the shorts are thrown onto his body And with that he looks

At fake Jeff Angel Says nope Your very existence is kind of like not telling the truth, and lifts him up into the air, and suplexes him so hard, he fucking explodes. Next up are the dolls. There's like eight of them left. We ignore them.

We go on about our business. I'll tell you what. Merle, let's have a strength contest with disadvantage because it's eight action figures. It's a 12, and that's a 10. Come on, Dan. It's eight action figures. 16.

These poor action figures. I had such big plans for them. But it's eight action, you kill, you destroy them. It's eight action figures. You kick them apart. You kick the eight action figures apart. You've done it. Do you feel big?

You feel big now, hot shot? I don't feel bad. Next in the order is Merle. It's just Chair of Joe in front of you. He looks a bit. Concerned. Come on, Dad. Kill him.

Kill him, dad. I murder him. Kill this idiot. Yeah. Kill this besuited baby. Banishment. Trader Joe. Cherip Joe.

Cherip Joe. Send him to hell. Send him to hell. I'm sending him to our plane of existence. And he falls in through the fucking ceiling. What's up? Okay. Yeah, you send him to our plane of existence.

of existence. No, he doesn't. No, listen, there's a crowd. I'm seeing it in my mind because it's happening in our world. Everybody be silent. Sh, close your eyes and imagine. It's 8.15 in the morning. It's Brooklyn, New York. Crowd of passengers are all

standing in front of the train line that they're taking to work that morning. Suddenly a rift in space time opens up and everybody's standing there is like, oh shit, not again. A diapered man falls through the rip. Not the first one they'd seen that day. Probably not.

It's wild. He collapses as he falls through the rift. It stands up and says, okay, what, and is hit by a train and dies. Everyone goes on about their business. You've solved the factory puzzle. Congratulations. The real Jeff Angel steps forward towards your party.

He's massaging a sore neck, sore because he's been in a safe. You got it. Surrounding him are the destroyed forms of the doll sharing his likeness. He kicks around the room a little bit and finds it. The one Turbo Jeff doll,

mint condition that hasn't been completely destroyed. He bends down and he picks it up and he says, you know, for unlicensed materials, this is pretty good stuff. If Chair of Joe wasn't planning on using these to take over the world or whatever, I might have signed off on it.

I heard you're looking at. for a turbo Jeff doll. I guess I could let you all take this one off. Oh, yeah, I guess there's just the one doll. We take it. Well, it's up to you guys, figured out amongst yourselves.

I got three months of wrestling plot to catch up on, and he sets it on the floor equally between the three of you and Gerald Loggins. We take it. I don't know, Timothy. You just pick it up,

and Charles says, yeah, I guess you'd come to the end of the road. It's been an honor. But it looks like we're going to have to fight. No, I'm just kidding. Listen, Gerald, I... Go talk to.

Gerald, we don't even like Angus that much. And the thing about it is, he's a good egg. And I think if we tell him it's a simple misunderstanding where we did our best and came up empty-handed, he's gonna understand. Gerald, it's candle nights. I want you to take the doll.

He is in stunned silence. He does not know what to say. He says, I'm speechless. I was planning on fashioning Timothy, his own turbo, Jeff, out of things we've got lying around the house, but this is gonna make him so much.

That's a really good idea, actually. Yeah, you know what? Look around, guys. Pick him some scraps. What's better to get a turbo? Jet? For Angus. With that...

Moral casts mend and fixes one of the turbo jets. But it's like bad. It looks bad. It's like two sets of legs. We break Angus's glasses

so he can't tell. You step forward and hand the mint condition Turbo Jeff over to Gerald Loggins and then we flash forward back to the party at the Bureau of Balance headquarters. The party has thinned out quite a bit,

but Angus is still sitting up, alert, looking expectantly for you all to return in anticipation. Yeah, you're all so happy when he gave it to Gerald, huh? Didn't think about the future. He says, hello, sirs. Sorry to have missed you at most of the party. I take it you all had business to attend to planet side and looks up at you sort of expectantly.

Candleines the business. He says, yes. how'd it go? Went okay. Good. Yeah, it's all right. Did you hear about the fire, the Jeff Angel Toy Factory? Oh, yeah.

Don't worry. We got you the last one from the fire. And its arm falls off. It's a collector's item. Merle, go ahead. Pass it over. Look, if you notice, This is after he's been in a flame match.

So battle damage. Battle damage, Jeff Ingel action figure. There is only one like this. And as you can see, it's signed by Jeff Engel. Here you go, Punkin. He takes it and one of the legs drips off and falls on the table, which he looks at contemplatively for a while. It's supposed to do that.

It's like a transformer. Transforms from a toy into trap. He takes it, and you see the detainterable. protective arithmetic appear around his head as he looks at the doll, and then he looks at the three of you, and he sees the crossbow wound in Magnus's stomach and the many, many bruises from all of the times he fell down the stairs. And he looks at Taco's burned head and hat.

Look at my spider bite. And Merle's two weeping spider bite wounds on his neck, then back at the toy, then back at all of your wounds, and he says, It's perfect. Happy candle nights ever. What a touching ending to the story. Thank you all.

So much for coming. Happy candle nights. We'll see you next time. Be safe. Be safe. Goodbye. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

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