The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in Austin!

Episode Date: September 8, 2017

Earlier this year, Tres Horny Boys rolled up on Austin, Texas, and wove a tale of demons, dreamscapes and High School Drama. THIS IS THAT TALE. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey. If you were doing a documentary about us, that would be the moment that you just saw where you'd be like, and after that, it all went wrong. I brought some hard candy that I was going to fling out in the audience. I know, I told him...

Griffin told me not to do it, but it sounds like... It's fucking jawbreakers. Like, those have a ballistic property. You'll put an eye out. You'll put an eye out. This is probably not allowed. Look at that. Don't forget the balcony, Travis.

After Travis blinded an extremely litigious Austin night with his job. That's going to be it. I have a lot more, but I'll just eat those during the show. It all fell apart after that. I want to thank... Oh, shit. A good start.

I hope everybody's getting psyched. Apparently halfway through Dead's going to run a fucking marathon. It's just like blasts. the electrolytes. What are you doing tonight? Podcasts and rugby for four hours, apparently.

I'm glad you guys dressed up for this. I didn't. Oh. I was going to say I'm confused why you decided to cosplay as tingle Travis Touchdown and M. Bison from the Street Fighter movie.

This is Stolen Century Magnus. Yeah, sure. He's kind of a Johnny Storm type. I will have to change glasses, though, because these are not prescription. Hey, hey. Hey, um, did anybody bring spell cards? Did you really?

Come on up. Sick as hell. Hold on, wait. Did anybody bring cleric spell cards? Did anybody else bring cleric spell cards? And a hush falls over the room. That's what no one plays as cleric. That's from an imaginary world where dad uses those spells at all to heal.

Well, we're going to have to figure that out as we go, huh? I'll just make the shit up as I usually do. Do you guys know what spells Merle has? Thank you. What was that again? Don't play into that. He knew exactly what you said. I have an eye patch.

I can't hear very well. Get out, imbison. My man, who brought me the cards? What's your name? Joe. Joe, please don't let me forget to give these back to you. I'll feel bad for me. Forever.

Y'all want to get started? Yes. We're trying a new thing. Travis got me this soundboard for my birthday, and so I have some music cues, and so, like, I'm going to try and put some music in it, and if it doesn't go well, I'm just going to stop doing it in the middle of the show.

We also each bought new dice for this show. Griffin and I, by choice, Dad and Jocelyn, because they just didn't bring them. and I let Charlie pick mine so let's play let's play Dungeons and Dragons all yeah this is fun we haven't played Dungeons the Dragons in a while

I know oh shit we haven't played Dungeons and Dragons we're having a mini panty about it okay yeah no so the three of you awakened to the sound of a bell chiming nine times

and just now I'm realizing that would have been a super good sound to get on my sound So the three of you wake up and you are in bed in your dorm room and you throw open the curtains and it's just a lovely day outside. You see the Grand Library next door, this big shiny glass cube. And inside you can see students reading and studying and milling about. You see wagons below and they're bringing in just hordes of townies who swarm into the school's main entrance.

You see some sort of athletic team running drills on a really well-manacured field across the road. It's a really busy scene, and it's one that you're well accustomed to seeing every morning when you wake up here at Never Winter High School. Is that our alma mater? No. All three of you make a wisdom-saving throw for me. Which one is that? The 20-sided one. The 20-sided one?

Whoa, that's not good. Thanks, New Dice. That's a three. I'm dumb. Holy shit, it's an 18. Hey, all right. Should we switch? Why now? Why now?

Magnus, it's another day of high school. Sounds about right. Taco and Merle, you immediately realize something horrible has gone wrong. Thanks, new dice. Do you just want to take the eyepatch off? Only when I want to see. Okay. Well, ever since the whole drop the Gatorade incident.

Taco and Merle, you remember going to sleep in the real world at the Bureau of Balance headquarters and waking up in this weird high school dorm room. You have to, I imagine, Clue Magnus into this fact. What? Yeah, Magnus, I think you were just like, excited for a new day. Got my new Jansport. Got a new binder, and it's blue. Justin, should we walk off the stage for like 15 minutes while you shuffle your deck?

Joe. Joe, why didn't you have your... No, no, no. You're good, Joe. Before we get started, I want to ask, what were the three of you like in high school? Obviously, you didn't go to high school together or in Neverwinter, but here you are.

What is your high school persona like? I'm going to give you a name, Griffin. Okay. My name is A.C. Slater. And that stands for Ability Chuck Slater. Armor class would work, too, because that's what A.C. stands for. Oh, that also works.

But okay. I'll go as D.C. Slater. Okay. Merle? This may surprise you, but I got my ass kicked on a regular basis in high school. Oh, no. So, this is imaginary. It was very...

Oh, don't be sad. It's imaginary, yeah. The imaginary? Oh, I was the king of the camera. Oh, no! Yeah. Now it's got layers of sadness. I just...

I was president. of the world. Chess club world. And I had a great hot rod. If you know what I mean. Nope. I'm a grandfather. Taco.

What was Taco like in high school? The coolest one at the school. I think Taco had a devoted following of people. Not everybody got him. but the people that did were into it. Okay, so it sounds like we have three A.C. Slaters on our hands, maybe a little bit. No, like, my moral, I'm more like

Is that more like? Like the DeCembrists of Cool, you know? And Travis is Aerosmith, I guess. All right. Whoa, don't you put that on me? This is before the Decembrists were in like AT&T commercials or whatever. I'm just kidding, DeCembris. I love you guys.

Are the DeCembris here tonight? Yeah, they said, Holy shit, that's a big band. Are you the Polyphonic Street? Did Arcade Fire come out? Who are the DeCimbrose? Oh, right. That one's not a joke.

The three of you leave the dorm room that you share. There's not usually a three-person dorm room. I'm imagining like a terrace house bedroom situation. And you make your way into the dorms common room, and it's quiet in here. First period is about to begin, and so most of the students have run off into the classroom building. And there's one student here, though,

and he's sitting on a couch in the middle of the common area with just this big pile of books all splayed out in front of him. And he's reading one of them, and he's drinking this really strong-smelling tea. And as you enter, he turns his bespectacled face towards you and says, Hello, sirs. Sure enough, you see a high school-aged Angus MacDonald. And he looks...

Super buff. He looks... Yeah, he's gotten yoked. He's ripped. He looks like he's undergone like four or five growth spurts. He's about your size, Magnus. Get out. And he says, you should get a move on.

You all are going to be late for class. Hey, Angus... Sorry, Angus, what's going on? What do you mean, sir? Okay, let me ask you that. a different question. Do you think anything weird's going on? You three are running late for class.

All right. Thanks, Ango. That'll do it. No, tell me, what's... Let me help you out. What's the situation? You seem out of sorts. I don't like this smooth jazz, Angas. Hey, you tell me. What's wrong? This is just my voice. I'm listening. I hit Puberty and it just happened. You hit what? It's pronounced Puberty.

Sorry. What's going on? Tell me... Griffin, I would like to do a strength check to try to take his book away and hold it over his head. All right. This would be a strength contest. That's nothing. Why are these new dice so bad? I got a 25.

He's like... Well, he only rolled a four, so you got an eight... No, to be fair, 12. Give him a wedge. He dislocates your shoulder when you pull the book away. He says, what's going on? What's the matter? Well, when last we saw you, you were...

A twerp. child. Okay. And we were not. Yeah, we were grown folk. You're saying this is some sort of... Exactly. Embrolio.

He says, this... Well, that sounds like it could be going through any number of things. I mean... I mean, probably magic. Could be a dream. I don't want to get too law and order on here. He says, have you tried poking through the walls? Maybe it's just one big illusion?

I run at the wall. It's a hard wall. Ow. Not that. You could have gone back in time, but did you all... I try to go forward in time. Well, if, Ango, if we had gone back in time, you would be younger.

Or non-existent. What a fantasy. He says maybe it's some sort of parallel dimension. No, that'd be lame. Maybe it could be a dream, but the fact that you all realize something was wrong makes it sound like you're all in the same

dream, which is peculiar. To be fair, I didn't. I'm wicked stupid. Okay. Can I just say the extent to which Angus has bought into this and the speed at which he has bought into this is truly upset. That is a man whose grasp of reality is like a razor

fan. The erudite young man, and he's quick on his feet, and he realizes something's wrong, and that his entire life in this universe is a lie and a dream. Maybe. He's like ready to write it off. He says, possible we're just all on Salvia. You've ruined the act three twist. He says, why don't you let me look into this?

And he piles up a few books up off the table. And he says, you should really get to class, though. Do you know where you're going? Oh, God. This is my dream all over again. Do we have pants on? He says, hey, Brody, can you show him the way? Who?

And in the corner, I just heard 12 people in the audience go, I'm allowed to do new characters. It doesn't just have to be all fucking callbacks. In the corner, you see a young man who, surprisingly, you haven't noticed until now. He's wearing a bright red t-shirt underneath a bright green nylon jacket with bright blue sleeves.

He's wearing sunglasses. What was that reaction? He's wearing sunglasses, even though he's been indoors this entire time. And when Angus mentions his name, he puts down this enormous fucking stone of forest speech. and he sets it down on the table next to him. Oh, I see. He tucks it into the pocket of his faded jeans,

and this isn't Barry. Barry's not the only one that gets to wear blue jeans in this universe. And he skateboards up to you guys from like six feet away. And he says, What's up, Trace Horny Boys? You guys ready for another day

of boring old school? Ugh, homework, right? Brody, I'm going to stop you just right there for one second. If I could talk to Taco just for a second. You're going to have to talk loud because the moment Brody came a run and Taco was like repulsed backwards.

Like a 30-foot radius force field around Brody. Nope. Is it just me or is this dude the coolest? It's just you. Fair enough. Yeah. He does a kickflip standing still. Whoa!

He says, come on. I'll show you around the classroom building. Or as I call it, the cell block, right? Audience, please don't encourage Brody. Brody really needed that. Thanks. So Brody skates you down the long hallways of the classroom building.

Are we, like, jogging behind him? Yeah, I guess. No, he's a courteous skater. He's going to serpentine, so we can stay up with it. He's going to more of a canter. And the classroom building halls are lined with these windows offering you more spectacular views of the campus out

But the halls are fairly empty. First period is started, and so most of the students here are already tucked away in the various classes that you are passing by here on your skateboard tour. There's calculus and history and music theory and speech and debate and so on. There are some speech and debate fans out there. There are some administrative rooms, a big teacher's lounge, student council room, an AV room. And from your dorm, you entered onto the third floor of the classroom building. and at the far end of this hall is a bridge leading into the practice building, and every few dozen feet or so are vending machines advertising strange potions with fantastical names like Snapple and Fruitopia.

Griffin, can I roll to buy a Snapple? You don't have to roll. Do you challenge a Snapple machine most of them? I do. I want to shake a Snapple loose. I don't want a paper. Oh, you know what? I'm going to Fonzie Purson. Yeah, of course. Look at you. Yeah, that's a 19.

That's your role. A Snapple and. a Fruitopia follow-up. I toss the Fruitopia to Taco. Oh, hear that, no, I'm fine. Don't worry about my ass. You have your fucking gallon of Gatorade over there. This is real.

Someone listening to this episode later just said, oh, he has a big jug of Gatorade. Okay, the thing from earlier makes total sense, though. Griffin, I slammed the Snapple in one. Okay. And then I read the cap. What's the cap say, Griffin? The cap of the Snapple?

Yeah. It says... Did you know that if you turn the tab around on a can of soda, it's a straw holder. Whoa, it says that on the Snapple? Yeah. They're advertising for soda. For canned beverages now. By the cross-re-roval.

Their slogan for years has been, you're wasting your time with Snapple. What are you doing? No soda out there. Brody points down a hallway and says, you guys' classes, or should I say, your prison cells? All right, Brody. Should be down here. Try not to let you, try not to let them keep you down, all right?

It's not Gattaca, Brody. Later skaters. And then he pivots on his board and he skates down a stairwell and just grinds out of sight. Taco I've turned on, Brody. Can we kill him later? Yes, we can. He's definitely the big bad. Don't you worry.

You're walking down the hallway towards this row of classes at the end, and as you approach, you smell something coming from the bathrooms. Cigarettes. Marijuana. What? And out of the bat, boo,

and out of the bathrooms walks three ruffians of varying sizes. Their hair is greased back and they're wearing matching leather jackets, emblazoned with a hammerhead. Marvy It's Marvy Jerry and Little Jerry

Griffin Did you say the name of the school Is fan service high? Listen, it's front-loaded I'll say Yeah, bro, there's Marvin and Jerry fans out there

They're back And Marvin Marvy says Well, look who he got here I punch him 20 Not 20 Quit at 20.

All right, roll damage. I don't know what my own are. It's a 1D4 plus your strength. It's not a big hit, but it's a... Wait, do I have Phantom Fist? No. Oh, yeah, you guys don't have any of your stuff. Oh, no, 1D4. Well, I have the Umbur staff, right?

No. Can somebody come take the Umbur staff, please? Three plus... I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. So 3 plus 4, so 7. Okay, Marvin then says a few... Oh, wait, hold on. It wasn't crick 20.

Oh yeah, you roll double damage. That's another fourth. So that is 15. What the fuck? Double damage is four and three plus four plus four. I didn't give Marvie HP. I guess I'm waiting

for class. Yeah. I don't have time for banter. He says, trying to get to class, little fishy. No problem as long as you pick. And Little Cherry says, Hey! Come on.

And I think Lil Jerry and Jerry are going to attack you, I guess. Now we're just having an impromptu haul fight. I, okay, before anybody can do anything, I quickly reach into my bag of components and cast fold my arms and chill. Because dumb to tell me here to start a fight. No, I know how this works. First day, you got to punch the biggest person you see. I guess. That was at 12 and an 18 versus AC.

Well, no. No, both of those myths. Okay. You fight off Jerry and Liljerry. I punched them back. Oh my God. 20! Okay. That's a four and a two, so six plus eight.

Who was that four? Little Jerry. All right. Thank God you didn't save this for the end of the... Yeah, I know. Okay, Little Jerry is down on the ground now with Marvie, and you see them kind of scramble to their feet and get ready to long. launch a counterattack, but you hear footsteps coming down the hallway, and you hear someone clear

their throat. And when you look to the source of the interjection, you see a dark-haired man wearing black and gray robes, and he has a large silver medallion around his neck, and he walks towards you, and the hammerhead gang sort of writes themselves, and they fix their hair, and they say in unison, good morning, Principal Hawthorne? And he says, you boys weren't fighting, were you? You know the consequences of fighting at never midter high. Hit him. Hit him, Magnus. Nope.

Hit Mr. Hawthorne. I respect authority. I am lawful good. My ass. He kind of surveys the scene and sees which side of this fight has more bloody noses. And he points to the hammerheads and he says, you three get to class. And they scamper off. And he looks at you three.

And he says, you three. Tell me. Did they go to the infirmary? because they got hit for 20 points of traffic. Yeah. And their kids? Yeah, I think they probably do. They run off to the nurse's office to get seen to.

Principal Hawthor and says, You three? Yes, sir. Were you bullying those sweet boys? No, sir. We came upon them fighting each other and we tried to break it up. Magnus sucker punched them, sir.

For sure. We saw the whole thing. What I meant to say was, we caught them smoking cigarettes, and I said, no, not today. Not here, not in my school, sir. He says, I do smell cigarettes. Magnus, let me smell your fingers.

Well, okay. Also gross, but also okay. He sniffs me, he says, These are nicotine free. You're good to go. High five, sir. He says, you three get to class. You're late enough as is, and he turns,

and with a swoop of his robe, he turns and walks away. Were we supposed to have known who that guy was? Was it Nathaniel Hawthorne? Yeah, it was Nathaniel. Damn, now I wish I had punched him. I hate that idiot. The three of you make your way down the hallway and each approach a different classroom

that for some reason you just know is your first period class. And for this next part, I didn't prep anything. I just let each of you decide what your first period class was going to be, and it will affect sort of a later thing, but let's just feel out the space a little bit. We'll start with... Let's start with Magnus. What class do you have for...

Music appreciation. You're welcome to music appreciation class. So far, so good with the role in it. That's right. Mr. Joe is the teacher. Thank you, Joe. Arrive with spell cards. Leave with immortality.

And it's finals day. in music appreciation class. And surveying the room, surveying the room, you don't really recognize anybody here, except for in like the far back corner is a high school-aged Carrie and Killian.

Yeah. I post up with those fools. Yeah, you do what? I post up with them. Okay. Yeah, I think the three just spend time just passing notes during the class. Real quick, before we, yeah,

it's real cute. Before we get started, do you guys notice anything weird? Carrie says No, nothing weird This sounds like Brody is the problem I did Carrie's voice for Brody She says, no, what's going on, Magnus?

Well, like yesterday We were all like of legal drinking age At least, I'm not going to assume I've never asked you But I thought older than high school Killing says, I don't know how to even respond To that. Are you on party drugs right now? Do I need to roll to check that?

No, you're not on party drugs. Okay. I'll roll out that possibility. Well, just let the DM make decisions for my character, I guess. Mr. Joe, Mr. Joe in the final class is like, you three keep it down. Magnus? Yeah. It's your turn for your oral presentation.

Nice. Magnus? Yes. For your final, I have your song written down here that you have written a report about. Oh, God. Says here. Yes. And I've never heard this before,

and I teach music professionally. The name of the band is inappropriate because it says bare naked ladies. Yes, sir? The song is One Week by Bear Naked Ladies. Wait, you got a button? No, I don't have that on the board. I didn't know he's going to fucking...

No. Wait, can everybody just sing a few bars of Bear Naked Ladies one week? Yes, man. One week should you look to me? Nobody knows the words Oh, they do know all the words Let's pick it up from Chickieie Shara Wait, we'll start at the good part

Chikini Chine on the Chinese chicken Have it don't chicken Watch his phone The lights on, we're on amazons We'll smoke against this one It's important We're getting frantic Now we can't release this

It's not a parody This is just the song I did that I'm saying Let's get a bit of the bottom saying Let's come out of Backsway Get a bit of them

It's got the boom in it is Maybe you think the mom's I got to happen if I think of any when you're bad Swat Island and swallow I feel bad Oh my god a guy at a funeral Can I understand what a meeting Wait a minute I'm sorry to spend one week

I've been one week since Look at me That was good The theme from friends Ladies and gentlemen Right? Was that right? Hold on, hold on One second

Okay Yeah, baby And does like that. This is a good present. Thank you, Travis, for this good present. All right, so, appreciate for Dr. Joe now.

He just graduated. Sitting on his desk. My rendition of one week is that good? Appreciate for me. Appreciate it. Appreciate. Well, sir, here's the thing. The song at first seems

like a superficial recount of things that one might do during one week. But if you look at it on a deeper level, what it really establishes is the time it takes to fully appreciate your partner. Because you might look at it and say, you know what, in that moment, I acted badly. But now one week later, it's given me time

to think about what you mean to me, what I come across in this relationship. Only now, one week later, do I fully appreciate that I didn't appreciate you? And that's the juxtaposition that you get, sir. I'm going to have to

he stares at you for a second and he just burst into tears also I'm just going to assume that's what Magnus sounded like in high school yeah well my voice broke at the beginning okay are you on him about character voices now well I didn't alter my voice

the 2% that turns it into Magnus Joe Joe where are you Joe A through F what grade would you give that class presentation B plus all right take it right Magnus, take one point of inspiration that you can spend later this episode. Merle.

What class do you have? Botany. And I want Barry White Music for mine. What's your name on the left side of this row in the front? Yes, you. Ariel? Okay. Ms. Ariel is the teacher of this class.

and you scan the room and you kind of look around to see if you see any familiar faces. And the only one that you see in the front of the class is Lucretia. And she has a potted plant in front of her. Everybody has these potted plants. And you're kind of late. And you recognize your potted plant, kind of sitting next to Lucretia.

She's working on a nice orchid. And these are your final presentations. And Ms. Ariel walks up to you as you come up to your, seat and she says, you're late Merle. That's not what you sound like. I apologize. You're late, Merle. You know, you have to turn in your flower by the end of the day. Yes, yes, I know. What have you, what are you growing in this class? I am

growing a shrubbery. Let's try it again. I am growing. Wait, I got to do a high school version. High school old man. Yeah, motherfucker. Anything will do. Okay. Come me off a piece of whatever as long as it doesn't sound like my father. That's funniest man in Huntington, Signal, All right. All right. Uh, yeah.

That was it. That was it. Okay. I've been working on a shrubbery, and it's really cool. Actually, it looks sick and bad, and it doesn't look good. It looks sick and bad. No, no, it's one of those Japanese shrubberies that you trim to look sick and bad. It's really healthy because I dump fertilizer on it every day.

You can talk some game, but your shrubbery looks bad, and it's going to look bad when you turn it in unless you do some magic or whatever to it to make it look better to turn into class. Don't say or whatever, because it's going to be or whatever. Well, I'm a big believer in talking to my plants. Fuck you, I quit. I'm out. It's Taco in the building.

Taco has left the building. Taco smoking with the cool kids Lucretia looks over at your shrubber and she says I don't know Merle it looks pretty bad off I'm worried about the grades you're going to get in this one trust me okay I can do this oh god now yeah yes

I'm here is that supposed to be a plant now because yeah dad is starting your human sons are in the room your actual human sons are in the room yes please my dad has turned his Gatorade into a plant stage, please, please be cognizant of that. And don't fuck this plan. This would be... Hi.

No. Stop. He's sorry, sorry for the audience at home. He's fondling the plan. You know, uh... I've been nurturing you for a long time. Hey. My...

Hey, Traff, get me one. Will you get me one, too? All the beers? I need another whiskey and ginger ale if anybody could hook a Justin up for this. Nobody really understands our relationship. You know. I'm still here.

You're a freak. You are a little freak. Yeah, Dad, I'm loving this. I, uh, you know, I believe in you. You have strong roots. It's starting to grow a few leaves. and someday you will tower above

all the other shrubs and you're going to blossom into fullness. Tell me when they get back so I can really be You can see them and ripeness. All right.

And your sap your sap shall runeth. Your sap overruneth. All right. You're complicit. No, wait, I'm on roll.

I'm rolling. All right. Bad people win when good people sit by and say nothing. The plant grows and blooms and blossoms and is fine. Ariel, what was the grade on that one? That's a D. As Scherford, don't. D is actually...

No, no, no. I think she said B. No, I'm pretty sure it was a D for dog. You people who seem to like me more who were sitting near area. No, no, no. No, judging. You're going to take disadvantage later at a moment of my choosing. We got to keep moving.

Taco. What is your class? I just want to say it real quick, that is quite a strong drink you prepared for me, so things get weird later. Blame Travis. Taco. Hit me. No, you hit me.

What class do you? have home act baby okay yeah hey what's your name Rick Rick you're an enabler

Mr. Ricky is the teacher of home economics Mr. Rick does sound like the name of a cool teacher is like nah please call me Mr. Rick Mr. Rick you're some boots I brought you don't tell Mr. Hawthor

you know how he gets Oh, he is a teacher. Hey! What, teachers don't get enough applause. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Let's clap for teachers.

Yeah. And how about moms? Huh? And what about fucking firefighters? Yeah. And let's end all war. Yeah. Whoa.

And let's hear for podcasters. Okay. Well, that's, you've ruined all over there. Is there something you can say about horns that will make them excited now? About hooking with horns or... Oh, Hug them horns. You do the thing with you... I don't think this is the right crowd for that, though.

Boom or sooner? You... Jesus Christ, Travis. Okay, please. This is my special part, guys. Taco, you recognize Ren in this class. Hell yeah! And she actually, she's actually saved you a seat and she gets really excited when you come in.

She says, Taco, Taco, I saved you a seat right here. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Let's go. What's up? Mr. Rick walks to the front of the class and he says, and Rick, I apologize. Wait, can I give a little background music? Oh, actually, oh shit, I had background music for all of these and I forgot them.

Oh, excellent. Sorry, Dad. Wait, that's really good Okay You walk into the class And you see Renan sit next to her And Mr. Rick walks up to the front of the class And says

All right, you all know the deal We're making ham sandwiches again He says Nobody try anything funny Don't have anything weird Or fancy to them I just want everybody to turn in Their regular ham sandwiches

At the end of class nobody better lead some kind of food revolution here in this class I just want a plain ass plain ass ham sandwich don't tell on me I said ass to you kids Mr. Rick has been teaching for a very long time hasn't he? He says all right

you got it's just 10 minutes it's a ham sandwich just do it and again nobody better do anything fancy or lead some sort of footloose style culinary uprising against me all right Taco

you and Wren are partners on this project What do you make? Wait, I'm partners with, did you say Rick or Wren? Wren. We're making crog-moncier. You're making croquence here. And the whole time Ren is like, Are you sure? This isn't what he asked for.

Well, why didn't you pass the nutmeg in the year? If we could talk about it later. Did you load up a recipe? What? Did you load up a recipe? Hell yeah, hell yeah, I did. Tell me what you do with this. Walk me through it.

Okay, well, we're going to breathe the oven of 400 degrees. Okay, not that granular. Okay, you turn in your... I mean, I make it. What do you want, pervert? You turn in your fancy ham sandwich. It's a crogments here. And Mr. Rick says,

what do you think you're doing? Take this back. I want a regular ham sandwich. That's what I asked for. You're trying to get an F? If F stands for Fantastic Croke-Monsieur, then yes. Hey, Rick. Hey, Rick.

Yeah. Take a bite, Rick. I'm not going to take a bite. Rick? It's a weird-looking ham sandwich. Some of like other students in the class are standing up and just saying, like, take a bite, Rick.

Mike, Rick? Take a bite, Rick. Take a bite. Take a bite. Okay. Thank you. He says, fine. God, I just, every class I get my bullied in my kids. You get bullied by kids into doing things.

It takes a bite of your fancy ham sandwich, and he says, D. I think it's like, just like, he just runs out of the classroom, sort of crying in his pants fall down while he's going. And suddenly, like, all the students are just like up on their desk, Matilda style cheering you and Ren on. You don't get a grade traditionally from Rick because he ran away and his pants fell down,

but again, sorry, real Rick. But the rest of the students get together and give you an A for the class. And A stands for Auto. Advantage? Auto 20. So at any point when you're about to roll, you can just take a crit instead. Are you sure you want to give that to me? Yeah.

All right. All right. All right, let's get into it. The three of you have fourth period together. And so you make your way out of the classroom building and over to the campus's massive gymnasium for PE. This facility is massive. The main gymnasium room has side chambers for locker rooms and a coach. office and a concession stand with a long open service window.

The west and east walls are lined with bleachers that are folded in right now. They're not deployed bleachers style, and they're stacked like 15 feet high, leaving more room for sports to happen. I wrote that. Hanging from the ceiling are two basketball hoops on either end of the floor, and I wrote and backboard. Like, yeah, of course. And below you, the hardwood floor is slick and polished.

You can barely see the seam in the middle of the floor where it opens up to reveal the Olympic-sized pool underneath. Yeah. It's a wonderful life like a motherfucker. Sorry? It's a wonderful life. You know, there's a dancing contest and it opens up. It's right.

15 people in the audience about it. No, no, I get it. I just, traditionally, you don't hear the words, it's a wonderful life like a motherfucker. So there's some... Disney really likes that movie. We watch every holiday.

So there's some familiar faces. Buffalo girls, won't you come out tonight? Jesus. Jimmy Stewart. Donna Reed. Hell yeah. Who else was in this film? So there are some familiar faces

in this classroom and you see them after everybody changes into their athletic attire and lines up on half court. Angus is there. He's in the line up next to you. So are Carrie and Killian. Down the line a bit is Brody, who inexplicably is still on his skateboard. And at the end of the far end of the line, all goofing on each other and just endlessly combing their hair are the hammerheads. And suddenly the coach's office door opens and slams shut, and a serious-faced human man walks towards the lot of you. And Angus kind of like sees that you're having trouble

remembering who this person is. So he whispers his name discreetly to the three of you. He says, oh, that's Coach Derek Taylor. And Coach Derek Taylor walks forward. Sorry, I thought this Friday Night Lights reference would get more of a... I'm more of a Saturday Night Lights kind of person. Coach Derek Taylor walks forward and gives you all a very inspiring speech. Do it now.

Come on, do it. Give us the speech. He says... He says, that's come to my attention that there are some folks in this class who think that PE is a big, dumb, wasted time. He says, I'll be the first to admit that PE isn't as sexy as algebra or world history. But when you graduate, you'll look back on the lessons you learned in this class as some of the most valuable of your whole high school career. Lessons like accountability, leadership, how to catch a ball or throw a ball very fast at a teammate or some sort of. a goal. You don't have to savor every moment of this class, but here in my gym, you will show

myself and each other some respect. Clear eyes, full sports have fun. That's good. Says today we're continuing our three-on-three basketball tournament. Looks like our first matchup is the Hammerheads versus Trace. I'm not going to say that. It looks at the three of you. He says, next time you guys need to pick a different team name, I'm not going to say that. I cast Blur and Enhanceability Cater. Kat's grace. Okay, what's that do?

Blur, my body becomes blurred, shifting, wavering to all who can see me for the duration, any creature has disadvantage. On attack rolls against me, translate that into basketball. And then I get Kat's Grace. What's that? You know, it's like good at basketball.

Fucking Gary Gygax hunched over his desk. Like, we need a basketball spell. Coach Derek Taylor says, like, hey, you didn't just cast a bunch of magic on yourself. to make yourself better at basketball like the monsters, did you? Hey, Taco, hey Taco. You didn't just cast a bunch of spells on yourself to make yourself better. I looked down on him because I cast older self to be taller too.

We've come this far without using magic. I figure I can burn a few shots. All right, the three of you take your basketball positions, and coach Derek Taylor holds out a basketball at center court. Marvin takes position for the jump ball. He's got still kind of a black eye situation from earlier. Who's going to take the jump ball for Trace Horny Boys? Well, Taco's very tall now, so...

I'll do it. Good Taco. Yeah, Merle does it. I do it. Merle roll in athletics check. I stand behind Merle and throw them up in the air. No, no, no. Globetrotters style, maybe.

No, that's not how the Globetrotters style. You know how the Globetrotter has always thrown each other around? I throw a bucket of confetti in everybody. Oh, shit. Rett Taylor style. I have advantage on dexterity checks. That's Katz Grace. Okay, okay.

Athletics. Eight. That's an eight total. Okay. Marvie jumps up and just fucking posterizes you as he secures the ball for his team. I karate chop his legs as he comes down. That's definitely a technical foul. Yeah, you can do that, but it's, hey, guys, it's basketball a little bit, kind of sometimes.

Okay, I don't know karate drop his legs, but I will like. Cover him? Check him? Okay. Check him. Okay. The irony of us playing a basketball game game should not be lost. We used to have a basketball hoop in our backyard.

We know what we're bad. Then take the net down, make it about eight feet high. That is true. My dad used to organize this thing on Wednesday at Saturdays after we did all our chores called foops Fest. It was W-H-O-O-P-S. and it was a combination of basketball and Dr. Who day where we would think about it, it makes sense, where if we did all our chores,

we got to watch Doctor Who and play basketball. And that's how we're the well-balanced children we are today. Yes. Magnus, it sounds like you're covering Marvin. Yes, I am. He's trying to pass it to Jerry. Make an athletics check. Nope.

Oh! What's inspiration do? It gives you advantage. You can roll again. I'm going to take that here, because that was going to. That was a one. Oh yeah, that's an 18 plus 8. You get it.

You steal the ball from Marvey and now you have what's called possession of the basketball. I would like to juke around said Marvin. Okay, this is a maneuver. You will also roll plus athletics for this. That's a 20.

Yeah. All right. You get around him and you break away so you are not covered at all. You want to go for a shot. I want to go for two. Oh, what a surprise. Make a dexterity roll

as you shoot the ball at the hoop. That's a 17 plus two. That's two points for Trace Horny Boys. Swish. Little Jerry takes the ball and is going to try to pass it to Marvie Merle or Taco. You want to get in on this

or you try to look for a spell to cast at this basketball game? I cast like chanthropy and turn myself into a teen wolf. Shut up, Travis. Before we celebrate too much, Dad, I do have to ask. Do you have like an argument?

That's not even a fucking spell. I don't know because I don't have any spell cards. Tell him, lachanthropies a real spell. It's super fucking not. You can cast like disguised self to look like a were-old. Here's what happens. I'm going to settle this. He cast disguised self to look like a were-wolf,

but he continues to play. with the ability of Merle. He's like a werewolf that plays basketball as good and bad. You've disguised yourself to look like a were... I will accept that. Compromise. We're going to make a contest against each other with athletics. It's the number you just rolled.

You roll your 20-sided dice. Please, Christ in heaven, they'll do this to me every time. I roll the two. Huh? Oh, you rolled a four. I rolled a four! Okay, you steal the ball from... Yeah!

You're rolling. right up against it, but now you are covered by Jerry, so you can take a shot but you're going to have disadvantage, or you can give it to one of your teammates. It looks to me like Taco is open. Is that accurate? By the way, by the way, by the way, before this play

starts, you hear that same bell, and it chimes three times. What? What bell? From the beginning. I forgot to do the rest of the bells. We're at three bells. Three bells? What do you pop by the sailor? Have they been going down every time? Yes. That's a lot.

That's the weird thing is if I had been doing them, they'd have been going down this whole time. Can you imagine if, like, the whole time, the bells have been going down in numbers? And you'd be like, whoa, don't. Oh, yeah. That would have built some serious tension. Right, but imagine, and now it's at three,

oh, no. That's so much worse than three. which would have happened a few minutes ago. Merle, what are you doing? We've been going an hour. Well, the three bells threw me off. I noticed that because Taco is so beloved and well regarded, he's not... He's not... Well, I have to be heard over you guys.

Fair enough. He... I pass it to Taco because he's free and clear and driving toward... As the only one of the four of us who's ever actually seen a basketball game, I pass it to Taco because he's driving on the on the basket I throw it into the hole

roll hold on roll your pass roll plus decks Roll plus decks dexterity It's a zero I'll make it easy for you It's a zero Yeah but that's a 19

All right you get it to Taco I cast levitate and I dunk it All right Surely you've got music for this Griffin You have to have music Something from space You have dunk music?

Oh, wait. Roll athletics, Tucko. It really did. It was a crit 20. He's going to fucking sprint off the stage. Crit 20. You know what? That was a crit 20?

I'm going to need it again, Gryphan. Oh, you want to hear this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It does double damage. It does double space jam. Okay.

Yeah, all right. That's another good two points up on the board. The bell chimes two times. I don't care. What is this bell? When the bell chimes two times, you see Principal Hawthorne come in the room and start talking with Coach Derek Taylor about something. And Little Jerry's got the ball, and he's going to pass it to Marvy. Marvey's running down the basketball lane, getting ready to score points for their team.

I block him. Okay. Roll athletics. Nope. All right. He gets right by you. Another one. We want to keep track of all these.

It's a great one. Thanks, New Dice. Marvie throws up a three and gets a 21. That's three points. Three to fill. Oh, I was so confused. I thought you threw up a three and got 21 points. Who's going to take the ball in for your team?

I'm going to cast clairvoyance over where the two of them are talking. Okay. So I have a spell of, I can hear the shit they're saying. Okay. I grabbed the ball. Principal Hawthorne's like, did you see scandal last night?

I grabbed the ball. Coach Derek Taylor's like, oh, no, my DVR fucked up to give. Clear eyes, full sports. Have fun. Okay. I have the ball. Yes.

I would like to pass it tomorrow. All right. You're actually being, at this point, you're being covered by Marvie, and he's like, oh, got a pass. I'm such a tough guy. I hit him with my butt real hard. and knock him out of the way.

Okay. Roll a butt attack. Is that string? Yeah. So that's a 15. Okay, yeah, you butt attack him out of the way. I pass the Merle. Okay.

You roll, I think, Dex, for a pass to Merle. Oh, no. God, these suck. That's not it. It hit my can. That's a six total. With a six? You, like, over harm, throw it to Merle, and it just goes up, and it gets stuck in the rafters. The play stops for a little bit while they try to find a new ball, and Merle calls the three of you over.

Or, Merle, Jesus. Angus calls the three of you over. He's standing over by the bleachers, and he's like, hey, come here, come here, come here. He's got one of those big books you saw him with. And he says, I think I figured out what's going on. He says, what this is, it's not just a dream you all are having. It's a dream scape that's like kind of a type of magic and somebody usually makes it. And I guess what's bad is like usually when you're in a dreamscape,

somebody brings you there to like, usually just to like test you or something and see how you respond in like some sort of crisis scenario. Well, as long as Ariel's not great and we ought to be all right. I love you. I love you. I love you very much. Hold that against him like. And as he says that, the.

bell chimes one and all hell breaks loose pretty much literally. For a moment, you think the mechanisms in the floor below you have activated opening up the pool below. But what really happens is just a shock, tears through the room, and you see this purple pulsating rift torn open in the center of the gym floor, sending these bright fissures out in all directions. And from those fissures, these gnarled hands start to punch up and claw their way upward. And the next few seconds are full of just like panicked running and screaming from all the students in the room as a horde of shambling zombies rise up from the floor

and begin pursuing the students around the gym. And you hear shouts coming from all around. You hear one student yell, the doors are locked, we're trapped! And sure enough, students are banging at the one exit back out onto the quad, but you can see it's sealed by some sort of, sort of magic force.

And so some of the students are just like scrambling up the wall of bleachers to get to safety. You see some rushing into one of the locker rooms and coach Derek Taylor's there just ushering them all into safety. This scene is chaos. But you see Carrie and Killian

making their way into that locker room that most of the students are going to and they're motioning to the three of you wildly to follow them. I motioned back. Come back. No, you come in here, the locker room. Listen. This is going to be great.

We haven't fought zombies yet. I'm very excited. They say, please come in the locker room. You don't have any stuff. Sure enough, you don't have any weapons or gear to speak of. I have been in the locker room for three minutes. So it's right. The three of you are in your locker room.

I'm going to go fucking turbo mode because we've been going for 67 minutes. And a wave of undead pursue you close behind. But Coach Derek slams the door as soon as the three of you clear it and barricades it with a few containers nearby. Describe the containers. They're metal. Most of the students made it in here, and they're all kind of nervously milling about,

and there's a narrow window in the door, and through it, you see the zombies just, like, pushing against the door all moaning in unison. And across the way, on top of that... Well, hold on, hold on. Mone in unison. Very spooky.

Yeah, thank you. And across the way, on top of the... stacked up bleachers, you see a few unfortunate souls who didn't make it to the relative safety of the locker room. The hammerheads all ended up there, as did Principal Hawthorne. Brody is up there still... No! He's still on his skateboard. And you recognize one more student up there, too. Standing on top of the bleacher and nervously clutching his book is Angus MacDonald.

They seem to be safe for now. They're 15 feet up a sheer wall of bleachers, but the undeader clambering at the bleachers trying to pile up high enough. Oh, that's too bad. That's really too bad. Coach Taylor says, you hear Coach Taylor say, oh, shit, shit, I'm going to lose my job. I have to start over with a new school and a new team of kids whose lives I'm going to have to transform all over again.

Hey, you listen to me. That's not how seniority works. Good luck. He turns to the class and he says, okay, new assignment. Anyone wants to prove their physical fitness by getting out there and killing all those monsters, gets an A in this class for the whole semester.

Who's game? And Killian walks up and says, how about the whole year? Not just the whole semester. He says, okay, fine, fine, the whole year, whole year. High five. Anybody else? Any takers? Yeah. I got to raise my D average, so yeah, I'll do it. I'm good.

He looks up at his binary, he's like, Taco, you've got a J in this class. Are you sure? This could really save your... He'll save your ass. He says, yeah, he says, I can't send you out there on equip. Come with me.

And he takes you into a large room labeled sports supplies. And surrounding you are balls and bats and gloves and pads and masks and sticks of every sport you can imagine. And Coach Taylor walks you to this middle of this room and says,

okay, I'm going to sanctify this room full of just beautiful sports equipment. He says, y'all can take your pick. It's not a perfect solution, but it's better than nothing. And he kneels down in the center of the room, and he channels his holy symbol. His high school football state champions ring. And you know what? That is such an inspiration to Merle.

We get it. That he decides he's going to dedicate himself to sports. Okay. He says a prayer to sanctify this room of sports equipment. He says, in this our hour of need. we ask for your athletic patronage and protection. Oh, light of my life, in zone of the cosmos. You have been working on this for months.

He says, my lord, my savior, touchdown Todd. Todd, we need you real bad right now, buddy. Bless these here beautiful sporting goods with your undeniable power so that these children might go and kill a bunch of monsters with them. In your holy name, I pray, boom, shakalaka. Boom chakalaka. What sports gear do you outfit yourselves with? Here's what I'm going to need.

Yeah. I need a football helmet. Okay. I need two bats. Yep. I'm going to need some shoulder pads. Are you going to make this faster? Quarterback pads or like linebacker pads?

Quarterbacker pads. I got to move. Okay, okay. Take plus one AC for your pads. Yeah, awesome. What's really convenient is that the bats have the same stats as the weapons. You already have. Oh, nice. Taco and Merle. I'm going to wear a lacrosse helmet. All right.

And two fencing foils with the tips broken off. Okay. Everybody's kind of double fisting. I'm ambidextrous. Yeah, sure. Taco, what are you looking at? You still looking at that croquence here? I'm getting pretty hungry

over here. I take two high-elized cestas. They're big fucking wooden scoops. They look sweet. For High-Lie? Yeah, High-Lie. I know about High-Lie, so you're casting spells with your High-Lie? Yeah.

Okay. And then I put them down, I'm like, that's harder to pronounce. And then I put up a badminton racket. And, you guessed it. A shuttlecock. Cool. Carrie comes out strapped in with this... A what?

What did you just say? I haven't said anything. No, I mean... Wow, that was like a 45 second delay. I know, Jesus Christ. I was trying to process what he said. He can't goof on it like 30 minutes later. Carrie comes out and she's wearing just track and field gear.

Rewind the podcast, everybody. I got a goof. She's wearing track and field gear with a big javelin. Good call. And Killian is wearing full goalie pads with a big hockey stick. Hell yeah. And they give you all a big thumbs up and they kind of stack up on the locker room door. And Coach Taylor's there.

and he looks at all of you and he says, y'all ready, you can do this. Clear eyes, full sports. Yeah. What, is he staying in the locker room? Yes, I am. Yeah. Hey, listen, Merle, Merle, is hard for me too. I got bad knees from the sports.

From the sports. Touchdown Todd is a fickle football god. One minute, he's honoring you with points and scores and RBIs in the next minute. Your knees are gonzo. All right, three, two, one, go. He throws open the door. Let's roll initiative. Everybody, this is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your road dog.

I'm hitting the road this weekend. We're going on tour for My Brother My Brother and Me. It's another podcast that we do. Thanks for listening to our live episode that we did here in Austin earlier this year. It was a really fun one. Crowd was really fun. The ending almost completely got away from us, which I think you're going to experience here in just a little bit.

Here in a couple weeks, we're going to be putting up our other live show that we did in San Diego, which also was a lot of fun, and I'm very excited for you to hear that one as well. And then I think the plan is after that we're going to start rolling out some of our little experimental mini-archs where we're going to be taking terms running the game and playing different games. And I think I have a cold. I think I'm just now realizing that just in the way that I'm talking into this microphone. Let's talk about some advertisers so that I can go lay down and drink some emergency. Okay.

Hey, I got a couple Jumbotron messages here. This one's for Aiden Connor and Liam James, and it's from Mom and Matthew, who say, We wanted to send you a message during your favorite show to let you know how cool and smart we think you both are. The two of you are turning into fine, upstanding young men. You aren't Babies sick anymore. Taco Merle and Magnus would be proud, along with all the real-life macaroys. Lots of love and look out behind you! And that's an important service that we so rarely provide here.

The gombotron spots is there was probably some sort of, you know, wild man with a big sword coming at you or like a boulder rolling down a hill. And you just dived out of the way. You owe me a life debt and mom and Matthew. So think about that next, you know, holiday season or birthday or whatever. Have another jumbotron. This one's for grace and it's from Bear, who says, grace. It's me, Bear, channeling our favorite DM Griffin to tell you just how wonderful you are. So listen up.

You are a beautiful, talented, powerful, brilliant musco ox, and I am so proud of how much you've grown since college. You're killing it. I love you so, so much, and hope I can visit soon. That is so sweet. What's a musk ox, everybody? Let's do a Google search and learn about animals. It's everybody's favorite portion of this show.

Hey, this looks like a nice little guy. It's an Arctic mammal. I learned something today. I'm always learning in the Jumbotron, learning, growing, improving. Hey, thanks for listening and thanks for tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. We are really going to need your support as we kind of move around and try different stuff, keeping the show going, keeping the listener base strong. We don't pay to advertise the show, so we appreciate your help and spread the word

because you all spread the word is the only reason why the show has gotten to where it is today, and we are so, so, so grateful for that. Like I said, next week is going to, or in two weeks, we're going to be doing our San Diego live show, putting that up. And then after that, we are going to be moving on to our experimental arcs, which I'm really, really excited to get to. Thanks to Maximum Fun for having us. You can go to Maximum Fun.org and check out all the great shows there, all of which are free, and all of which you're just going to love. Shows like Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Jesse Go, stop podcasting yourself, lady to lady. So many great podcasts, all available for you. We have a bunch of other shows and

videos and stuff that we do that you can check out all at mackleroyshows.com. And with that, I think I'm I'll let you get back to the weird ending to this live episode. And I hope you enjoy it. And I'll talk to you in a couple weeks. Bye. Four. Jesus. Seven.

Of course. 19. I'd say 21 for dad. 21. All right. First in the order is Murrow High Church. Of curse. Yeah.

When I say hi, you say... We don't have time. Thank you. Okay, so as you step out into the gym, you survey the battlefield and get a better idea of what this zombie horde is all about. There are in total 20 shambling zombies milling about the room, and they're all surrounding one big zombie in the center. And this bigger zombie is more composed than the other. He's wearing some armor, and he seems to be in command of the whole horde. And all of them, king and horde alike, all turn in your direction as you step out of the room.

Merle High Church. Do you want me to load up all the cleric spells? on my phone because we can take like a minute and Travis and Justin can say a bunch of funny stuff. Hold on a minute. Did Coach Friday Night Lights? Did he blast all this stuff, right? Yeah. So it ought to be

we just stick them a little bit and they'll die, right? You can do attacks with the weapons for sure. Well, I got enchanted fencing foils. Yeah, sure. So I pick out two relatively short zombies that I can actually reach. Okay. And I stab them in the nards.

Roll. Excellent. Roll your attack. There's a little thing where it says what your weapon is. I think it's, yeah, plus five. Travis, find it for him? I got it. Plus five. And it's a four.

It's a nine total. Nine. Except I have, don't I have something that lets me roll twice? No, you have disadvantaged. And I'm going to use that later. Thanks for reminding me. Somebody asked for music and drag them. All right.

You run up and you just kind of poke two undead people in their genitals, and they say, okay, and then the order moves to the next person. Carrie is going to take the javelin and just chuck it right at the king zombie. And she rolled a 15, and this zombie king, as this javelin is coming, actually picks up two of the smaller zombies and holds them up as a shield. And so they get pierced by this javelin, and they fall down dead, but the king zombie is untouched. And Killian runs up and does worse than Merle at her attack on some other zombies. So there are fewer zombies now, but the king is untouched. Next in the order are the zombies. I think I'm going to do Merle, just because you did run up there, I think.

Of course you will. That's a 22 versus AC. I think that might hit. Yeah, it does. Somebody said double check. Trust me on this one. We've been doing this podcast three years. I know what their AC is at this point.

You take 20 points of damage as you are grabbed. He's fine. And you are pulled into the zombie horde. Oh, wow. Meaning you are grappled also. Taco and Magnus, you just see Merle just get pulled into this zombie hoard and take a bunch of damage. Dad, are you even going to write down how much damage you took?

I did. I did it for him. Next in the order is Magnus Burn Sides. Where's the mechanism to open the pool? Oh. You're going to get them wet? That's your thing? It's right next to you. I hit it. Okay, yeah. Sure.

You pop open this thing. It's probably a hatch of some sort, and there's a lever inside that says... And I just make eye conduct with a gang as I do it. And it moves quick. This mechanism. that I actually did write down, It's a Wonderful Lifestyle, opens up right beneath them.

And the king rolls a Nat 20 to avoid. But roll a D20. Twelve? Twelve of the zombies do not save and fall into the pool below. And you see them kind of fizzle and burn as they fall into the water. There are now only six zombies

surrounding the king. I don't want to take my second attack? Well, yeah, I guess you attack to the lever to, sure. And hurl my bat, Chance Lance style at the king.

Just throwing a bat. You said they did the same thing as my 11th. Okay, yeah. Why don't you break it first? Roll an attack. And it'll be all jagging and shit. 17 plus 8. Nope, plus 9. 26. That's good. The 25.

wouldn't have done it, but the 26 does. Yes, that is a hit, roll damage. Just use rail splitters. No, that's not great. Three plus five, eight. Okay, he just holds up one zombie who blocks the attack for him, but that zombie disintegrates as this holy weapon touches them. Down to five zombies, Taco.

And now I am going to action surge. Oh, shit. Oh, man. I wanted to play D&D. To attack the other zombies in front of me. Okay. I thought we were trying to move quickly. That is a 19.

Yeah, that's it. Five plus five, ten points of damage. Yeah, with a ten, you take out one more zombie, and they just sort of smooosh under the weight of your holy axe, or holy bat. It's not an axe. Sorry, I got distracted because I heard somebody go, aw, it's a fucking zombie. Taco.

Four zombies and the king. I take my badminton racket and summoning all my strength I throw it at the center of his head I throw my badminton racket at the king's head That's not a good job you're doing I think Let me try, hold on

As it turns out, thanks the grade I got earlier It's a 20 Amazing. Amazing. So stupid. Amazing. I can't believe. You throw a badminton racket very hard. If we could roll the tape back, I did make sure that he wanted to give me that. So I did, I mean, I was just decapitated with a badman racket, basically.

I'm surprised this is what you wanted to spend it on. All right, you throw a badminton racket. Roll a, I think you're damaged. A magical. A magic badminton racket. We'll say it's roll a D12 two times. We never use that D12. Nobody does, apparently.

That's an eight and a 12. Okay, he yields up two zombies to sort of block it and they evaporate as the racket hits them and it goes through and also hits him in the head a little bit. Nice. Okay, he has taken some damage. Top of the order again, Merle. I-cash burn undead.

Now are you using the ring of the grammarian? Because you could do that. Do I have the ring of the grammar? No, yep. I mean, turn undead is also very good. Turn, yeah. Turn. I have a cold. Turn undead.

It kills shit. CR2. Okay. The two little zombies just evaporate as you turn them. Everybody failed their role. The other, the king zombie. who is damaged, he just says,

fuck this. And because of Turned Undead has to run away as fast as he can. And because of that, he turns and immediately just runs into the pool. Wait a minute. I won? Yeah.

And so the king, the king zombie is just dissolving in the water and just gurgling and screaming. Coach Derek Taylor pops out of the locker room and flips the lever back and just closes the floor back over the King Zombie as it goes down.

And you celebrate, I imagine, that you've just done this. But... Oh, that would be a good one to have in there, too. Do I have anything? How about Can't Touch this? I only put in four, like, audio cues. Did you get a... As soon as the floor closes over that,

zombie, the room changes a bit. There's this red ripple that goes all throughout the room. And then climbing out of this red ripple, a huge form that I'll describe. Two enormous wings emerge from the floor. And then two hands covered in razor-sharp claws pull a long draconic form from out of this red ripple. And this body is covered in these thick metal plates from toe to tip. And as it emerges, suddenly, standing in front of you is the imposing form of an ancient bronze dragon. I hit the button on the pool.

Actually, that mechanism, as you reach over to it, there's a red ripple, and that entire lever just disappears. I punched the wall as hard as I can. You hurt your hand very badly. I think Coach Derek Taylor sees this dragon and sees the lever disappear, and he goes, oh no and he turns and runs back into the locker room Angus is up on the this dragon

is like a fucking tank it looks invulnerable Angus is up on the bleachers and he shouts sirs sirs I figured it out it's still weird I figured it out it's not just you three asleep in the real world in this dreamscape

someone brought you into the dreamscape all of this chaos is being created by someone one in this very room. It's Brody. First in the order is we're starting at the top, Merle High Church.

I mean, I've seen TV and movies before. Here we go. I cast Zone of Truth. I got a nine. Who are you casting it on? Just like in the bleachers area where everybody is? Yeah, up where everybody is. It's convenient

You're placing. Principal Hawthorne says, like, I just thought scandal was just okay last night. Brody, come on. I cast Zone of Truth. Brody says, What's happening in here is really good,

and I like it a lot. A big dragon coming to kill you, everybody? Oh, heck yes. And he does a fucking grind on the bleachers. Next in the order. Wait, what did everybody else say? Angus says like... Angus says, I drink protein shakes every day,

and it's why I am the way I am, and I hate the way they taste. Magnus, you're up next. Can I get over to the bleachers? Sure. Okay. I want to kill Brody. You'd be at kind of a disadvantage if you wanted to, like, climb up there. then I want

to throw my bathe at him Okay Roll plus attack Plus attack That's not anything Now we need the 20 Oh, that's 16 plus 9 25 All right

I won't make you roll damage I throw it really hard You just kind of wanging at him And I also want you to picture me scooting past the dragon Like skew it one second Oh yeah I should do a attack of opportunity. That's a 19 versus A-C?

Really? Yeah. With my shoulder pads, I'm out of 21. All right, this dragon takes a bite at you, and you kind of like... One second. One second. I'll be right back, dragon. And you taste my steel, your bat up at Brody, and you hit him in the gut, and he falls off of the bleachers. And as he hits the ground immediately, that bronze dragon disappears.

in the same red ripple, and Brody stands up, and he laughs. But in a much deeper, more sinister voice than you heard before, and he says, well done, you've solved my high school puzzle. But you don't seem to understand the rules in this world. I punch him. Wait, can you please wait, just one minute. Just don't punch me yet. In this world, I'm in control.

And then that... Oh, I think I have music here. And then that... Boop. That red ripple that you've seen a few times now, you see it spread out from his body consuming the whole gymnasium. And he floats up towards the back of the room.

And as he goes, pieces of wood tear off the walls and bleachers and up off the floor all flying towards him. And he changes forms right in front of your eyes. suddenly Brody is the gymnasium. His body is made of these jagged pieces of wood all suspended off the basketball hoop in the back of the room, just two arms and huge wooden head spratting out of the backboard on his chest. And below him the hardwood floors crack and peel upwards,

revealing dozens of these just waving hands, grabbing at the three of you desperately. And the wall behind him collapses, and the beautiful views of the campus you saw earlier have been replaced with this shifting red miasma that blots out the sun in the sky. And he says, I have brought you here to learn your weaknesses

and sell them to the highest bidder, but now that you know my secret, you can't leave the dreamscape alive. And he waves one of his wooden arms at you and all of your sports equipment disappears in our red ripple. And you hear Coach Taylor shout from the locker room, Touchdown, Todd, do something.

thing. They're only children. Everybody make a dexterity save. That's a 17. That's a four. 16. All right, Magnus. All of your gear

is gone. But the whole building shakes as he transforms. And the basketball that was stuck in the rafters gets shaken loose. and falls towards you and you catch it. And you hear Angus shout, Do it, guys!

And Taylor shouts, teamwork, please do it! And then I had this queued up for this moment. You feel a tremendous power in this basketball as Brody's form waves off of the hoop in the back of the room. I cast Bigby's hand, but this time it looks like Michael Jordan's hand, just like taking the ball, and ready to shove it in.

I do the greatest jukey human beings ever done and do a side pass to Bigby's hands. Okay, make a dexterity throw. These hands that are up off the floor trapping at you. That's an 18 plus 2, that's a 20! All right, you pass it to Taco. I cast Biggieby's hand

and I shove it on his fucking throat. You reach across the room, make the most important athletics check of your entire life. I cast athletics boost on Taco Do you do Take advantage on that because he casts Bless to improve your athletics

That's what I meant to say I wish I hadn't blown my Quad City DJs loads Let me just get it one more time Hold on I have a different song Three two one You fucking reach your hand all the way across the room With the basketball

Dodging these I guess you're like Are you off the floor? Is this just your hand? I'm just flying through the air. And these hardwood hands are grabbing at you, trying to pull you down. No dice. But they just aren't doing it.

And from the fucking foul line, Bigby's hand reaches down and slam dunks the ball right in the center of Brody's chest. And right when that happens, Angus actually pulls out a wand and casts shatter. And the fucking backboard just explodes as you dunk it in. And as that backboard explodes. The rest of the gymnasium seems to just disintegrate away around you, and the three of you are falling for a while as the gym is just gone. And you wake up in a dark, stone rot room. And when you look outside, you, Taco, you've been here before, you realize you're in the underdark, the drow capital. You're in a shady part of the underdark, if such a thing exists.

and you're lying on these three soft beds all lined up next to each other and behind you is a fourth and lying in that bed is a mind flayer an eldritch sort of humanoid creature that specializes in these kinds of psychic assaults and it's Brody and as you all stand up from your beds

he reaches towards you he says if you get dunked on in the dream you get you get dunked on in real any

any any fucking dies and in case you are wondering that's how we beat Brody that's how you beat Brody thank you all for coming to the adventure zone that's all I prepared sorry

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