The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in Dallas!

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

Travis is on vacation, so here's our live show in Dallas from earlier this year! Tres Horny Boys reunite to help out some old friends who've run into some stiff competition with their small business, and perform more than a few explosive stunts along the way. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

I'm wearing a sweater from J-Crew. And now I have to shed a bunch of pieces so I can operate as a human being. Let's go behind the music a little bit. Let's say there's some pieces of Travis's sort of tunic girdle situation that maybe the armor does... He's had some off time. There was another beast that went about my waist or attempted to. And I'm, listen, hard-living. You know what I mean?

I beat the hunger and then I experienced the hunger. I saw seven birds. Oh, hell yeah. Fried, roasted, what's up? Fucking eat those for sure. Where are these seven birds? Why are you holding out on me? I'm starving.

Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Adventure Zone live in Dallas. Sorry about the Yee-Ha thing in the intro. I sat backstage for like 30 minutes and couldn't think of anything else to say. Hey, it's us. I was backstage. It was about three.

I get nervous. I need to dial in. Speaking of, do we want to talk about what dad did today? Save that from a bim-bam. Save it for tomorrow. I've seen the numbers. It's bad. It's bad. So go ahead and buy your tickets.

You're going to get a great vignette about our dad. You're right. We should get into it because we got a lot to do today. And we always run out of time. Do we have a timer? Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Paul. Paul.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Paul Saboran. Thank you, Paul. Go to Paul and storm.gov to hear some of their tracts that they make. That they make. Paul and his imaginary friend's Storm.

Where's he's real? Wait, wait, wait, before we get started, I'd like everybody look at the back of the theater. Everybody look at the back of the theater. So the emergency exits are. Okay, you can look back up here now. That's where Bobby sits. Hey, Bobby.

Hey, Bobby. We promise. Can we get Actually, Bobby? Can we get... Bobby, Bobby's on the soundboard up there. Bobby came to us before the show and said, so what are y'all going to be discussing tonight?

And I was like, well, Bobby, that's a very hard question to answer. My friend, hold on a second. And he said, well, give me a shout out. That way I can wake up. Can we get houselights for a second so we could see the good, good cosplay that's happening? Yeah, houselights. If we get houselights for a second.

If you are... Oh, there's Bobby with the strove. Thank you, Bob. Bobby's got a strobe. Can we get house lights? Is there a switch? There's a dial that says maybe HL on it, short for house light. No, okay, we can't get house lights.

We'll do that after intermission. After intermission. Let's get into the adventure. Here we go. Hell yeah. Yeah. But Paul, if I could grab a writing utensil. Travis sees a writing utensil.

Oh shit, Paul, me too, dog. I'm so sorry. So. We are children. I need a source. Stylus. Look at this. Wow.

All right now, Paul Storm, ladies and gentlemen. Now, you have to understand. Of Paul and Storm. Paul always carries around two big cups full of pencils and his hands. Okay. The three of you. The three of you are standing in an empty office featuring fairly humble trappings with two desks positioned side by side

in front of a window overlooking an opulent city skyline. It's been about six. Six months. Hey, everybody here's finished balance, right? Okay, good. Spoilers? Maybe a little bit. You've had time.

It'll be light. It's the name of the... It's been six months since the day of story and song, and your lives had only just regained some semblance of normalcy when you received a letter inviting you to this office on this day. And the three of you are kind of hard to pin down, I imagine, now, given the fame you acquired... Doing book tours and...

Separate lives. Due to the fame you acquired thanks to your heroism. on that day. But the post script on the letter was difficult to turn down, particularly for one of you. It read, P.S., Merle, come on.

You owe us. And the door to the office swings open, and through it you see the garage of the Goldcliff Battlewagon Racing League, which is filled with vehicles being serviced by a dozen or so skilled mechanics, and through that door, walk the dryads, Hurley, and Sloan.

Hell yeah. So you're familiar. Yeah. Crystal Kingdom, I love this one. No. Hell yeah. And they've got like 80 crystals and they're like, we've got to go back. And Hurley says, wow, to tell the truth, I thought there was a pretty slim chance you'd actually show up.

I am so bored. Was that Magnus or Travis? No, that's why he showed up. It's the importance of character voices, folks. If you don't have a character voice, people aren't to know. I didn't hear any one. That was, listen, that was clearly loud and booming, which is not how I normally said. And Sloan says, how of the three of you been?

So born. Yeah, I'll wave. I'll put them over again. Didn't want you to miss the best view in the house. If you put them up there, they are still. That's blocking your view. Right there. They need so pretty good then?

Yeah, good. Yeah, been good. Actually, I think these two dad, too, I got some people here who can't get like a really good. Yeah, there you are. Hello. Scuttle Buddy, you're so great. Hello. All right.

I know, right? Listen, you paid full price. You're going to get the whole show, baby. So the three of you've been okay? Yeah, we've been good. I've been training dogs. It's gone okay. It's hard not to cuddle.

That's always been my experience. Now, was that Griffith? That was Griffin. I got into HQ. I've been playing a lot of HQ. Okay, now this is dad. Okay, let's take a minute. Oh, I thought you were asking me.

This is a podcast called The Adventure Zone in which we embody characters and we don't necessarily answer questions as ourselves. And we're all guilty of this. Character voice, right? Okay. I've been playing a lot of HQ. Okay.

No. Okay, but HQ doesn't exist in this. No, it's a fantasy world technology exists. A taco, what about you? historical quotient. Taco, haven't heard from you in a while. Yeah, I'm rich now. Could be richer, though.

To wit, I'm here to promote my school, Taco's Correspondent School of Wizarding and Witchcraft. We're just trying to get the word out about the school. You can pay whenever you want. Classes will start at some point. But we do encourage you, the slots are filling up quick. So you are going to want to pay in advance if you want. When this exciting project,

kicks off. As soon as we've hit some private fundraising goals, it's going to be good. Hurley says, well, maybe we could figure out some sort of cross-promotional... You're a tree! Yeah, well, like, half-tree, I guess. Awesome. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It's pretty cool. Bees can be a problem sometimes. Yeah. Tell me about it. Oh, my God. I literally, this moment you are here sharing with me, that's a wig, right? This moment, I realized like, hold on a sec.

My dad got a white wig. It is a hot-ass wig, too. Matter of fact, hey, look at the back. You're sticking with it. Hurley says, well, things have been pretty good here for the most part. It took a while to clean the city up, but we managed us fine. Better than fine, actually, now that the works done, Goldcliffe citizens are just dying for entertainment. The battle wagon business has been booming, and that's kind of why we call you all here.

Why don't you take a seat, and she motions towards some chairs positioned in front of these desks. I do that. Okay. Sloan takes a poster and unfurls it. I rolled a nine on taking the chair. What does that mean? I think you sit down, but the chair scoots backwards and makes a toot noise, and then you have to convince everybody... Oh, it wasn't me!

Sloan unfurls this poster, and you see a design advertising, the Goldcliff Battlewagon Racing League Turbo Platinum Cup, which takes place later today at the circuit, located just outside the city. And then she unfurls it a bit further, and it reads, featuring guest racers, Merle High Church, Chautau, and Magnus Burnside, three of the Saviors of Fé Run. Now, I really, listen, you're all great, and I love the way you reacted to that. But was it going to be like, yeah, so, would you like to watch? I got you some comp tickets. Hurley says, looks pretty good, doesn't it? This is our main of end of the season and, well, we need to make as big as splash as we possibly can. Like I mentioned

earlier, the folks here are hungry for entertainment and because of that, several less scrupulous competing racing leagues have popped up in the city, leagues that don't prioritize things like, oh, say, the continued lifespan of their racers quite as much as we do. And Sloan says, we've lost a fair chunk of our less discerning audience members to these leagues, but we're hoping with the Turbo Platinum Cup today, we can re-establishers. establish ourselves as the premier battle wagon league in Goldcliffe and run those death races right out of town. Let me speak for the group. Okay, but do it in character voice.

We'd be glad to. We know what you're asking. Yes, we'll sign the posters. I'm ready. Available for sale in the lobby. And then you walk off into the sunset. Good night, everybody. I'd rather not.

Harley says, no, I understand you're worried, given how hectic your last race with us ended up being. Hectic? I mean, she... You? And then imagine I referenced something that happened in it. Yeah, because it was four arcs ago, right? It was a shark tank.

There was a shark tank. You did remember that. And she turned into like a giant vine monster, and that was pretty wild. And the shark tank. But listen, you really... Sounds good to me. You don't have to sweat any...

We don't... We've really gone legitimate since then. All our racers are equipped with new and improved safety harnesses. They do the bubble thing, remember? But they also have a charge of... Oh, what's that spell? Spare the dying? Merle, do you know that one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hesitated, so it seems... It seems like you're looking at a list of cards with the spells you know. Yeah, I got it. Okay. She says, anyway, death and dismemberment,

it's not really part of the equation anymore. We figured we could give folks a show without getting too gruesome about it. So you'll each have one of these harnesses out there, all be driving, and really, y'all appearing in the race at all is going to be a huge attraction in and of itself. We don't even need to win.

Bullshit. Yeah, we will win. Hurley smiles. And we're going to be amazing. Oh, that was cheap. That was so cheap. So we're at that phase now, right? Where we're just...

Just stand up on stage. Play the hits. Aber can fuck you? I don't know. Glad we got that out of the way. Sloan says, I'll be up in the press box making sure everything runs smoothly.

Teams cap out at four. And I've taken on more of a managerial role in the organization anyway. Really put down roots. Oh, Jesus. Oh, come on. Come on. That was asthma.

Magnus, Travis would never be dangerous. Let him wave his tapestry. Sloan says, also, there is a grand prize of 6,000 gold pieces for the winning team. And I can promise you, Merle, also, that the next time one of your kids is endangered by an interdimensional cosmic force of mass destruction, we'll just go right ahead and save them again. Does that sound equitable? That's hit me where I live, man. You don't live with your kids, bro?

No, I don't live in my kids. And we're all the better for it. Hurley and Sloan walked the three of you out into the garage, and you see several battle wagons being serviced. But the showpiece here is on a rotating platform at the end of the room. It's the RAM. And it's just how you remember it. Sleak and black with silver armor plating.

A harpoon gun mounted on the roof. Can you do this in Dennis Leary's voice? I don't think I could. No, okay. It's got a long trunk that Magnus did so many stunts off of back in the day. and, of course, a metallic ram's head position at the front. It's a thing of beauty. And Hurley says, I haven't made too many tweaks to the old ram.

It's hard to improve on perfection. But something tells me the three of you have learned some new tricks since your last go-around, huh? Nope. You would think so. You look like you've leveled up, like, eight times or so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're still very judicious with our smell slots, though.

Let's not go wild. She says, well, when we get out there, you're just going to have to put on a good show. Nothing too gruesome. Okay, I mean, you can't actually kill anyone, but still folks might find some gnarly stuff. Question. Can't? Can't? Or should not?

Can't. I mean, the belts will allow you not to, they won't allow you to die. Excellent. Yeah. So flags up in a couple hours, we should probably get a move on. Oh, that reminds me.

And Sloan walks over to a crate and pops it open, pulls out a few items, and she says, I've got a little memento for you. And what she withdraws from the crate, are three masks that you wore during your first battle wagon race in the shapes of a bear, an owl, and a mongoose.

Now, you told him. You told him that, didn't you? I was actually given this at C2E2, and it is my new favorite hat. That's not surprising. Why didn't you have it when you came on before? I was going to wear it one way or the other. Okay.

I was waiting for just the right moment. My fiat. Patrick Kennedy. No. Let's fast forward, because we have spent a long time, our, Jesus. You're outside now, whoa. And you're walking the streets of Goldcliff

toward the circuit at the edge of town. And sure enough, the town's doing great. There are a few signs of the attack that took place just earlier that year. There's just sort of happy, well-dressed folks enjoying the pleasant weather. And one of these well-dressed folks, a male half-ling dressed to the nines,

approaches the three of you and says, good evening gentlemen do I have the pleasure of speaking to Merle, Magnus, and Taco three of the saviors of Féroon You tell me You tell me Yes

He will Now My name is Alfred de Gaul And I'd love to bend your ear just for a moment I realize you're on your way to the big race But I think you're going to want to hear what I have to say Sponsorship Opportunity I love it talk

Oh we could talk sponsorships all days. Oh no, you're becoming one voice. He says, I operate a humble but growing racing league here in town called the Blaze Wings. Now, I know you're probably thinking, hey, that sounds like we're describing an especially spicy flavor of buffalo wings. Perhaps the type that a restaurant might offer is some sort of food challenge to its diners. But actually, no, it's a very good name for our organization.

Now, I'm not sure what Hurley and Sloan have offered the three of you to participate in today's festivities, but I'd like to make a counteroffer if I might. All you have to do is walk away right now, and I will match the prize money offered for the race. 6,000 gold pieces for literally no work at all. No, they offered us 10. 10,000? Yep. He said 10,000.

Euros. I'm going to need you to roll a die, please, Clinton. Yeah, roll a, what's it called? Deception check. That's this one? Yep. A six. I also... I can read. I also rolled a six. I think he pulls out a pocketbook and he's like, 10,000, 10,000. We could probably make 10,000 work. We could do the last 4,000.

In installments, maybe down. He gets a plus one to deception. Okay, yeah. A seven. That's a success. Yeah, I could make 10,000 work. I meant 10,000 down. How much is the juice? You got points running on it. The Vig.

The Vig is another five G's man. Hey, listen, we're the saviors of Feroon. Heroes of the Land. We don't need to discuss this. Yes. You have a deal. Wait. Can we get it up front?

Sure, just signed here on this contract. You got it. All right, he shows you a contract. Magnus signs and then walks towards the ram. He hands you a bag with 10,000 gold pieces in it. Down, down, down. Wait, 10,000 a piece? Total to split.

Oh, no. Oh, wait, hold on it. Hey, hey, do you have a plan for if we just take the money and run? Well, you seem like good enterprising folks. I'm talking to Griffin. No. Okay, Kasaga says yes. I don't understand why these other two did.

Taco says yes, I will take that. Oh, I was just going to take it and then still do the race anyways. That's seem, okay. Wait, did you just say that out loud? No. That was Travis's voice. Okay, let me run it back. I would never.

Okay, Merle, hurry up and talk us into doing this, because I think that is the way. I think he's good. No, I think he does it. I think he's not, you hand him a contract and he hands you 10,000 gold pieces. He says, I'll talk to your people about getting the rest of the money. Sounds great. Sounds like we have a deal. Well, I'm going to turn my back and walk away now

and not pay attention to where you go from here. See ya. And he does. And now you have 10,000 gold pieces. Can we buy some shit? I know that it probably seems like that was really scummy of us, but we're going to give some of it to a local

Dallas charity. Now you feel bad. Now you're the bad guy. Who deserves 5,000 fantasy gold pieces? We can have a lot. Hang on to half. Oh, right.

2,000. Okay, so it's a short while later, I guess you've headed to the circuit and taking your places for the race. You're sitting inside... You're buying a lot of candy. Yeah. You're sitting inside of Hurley's wagon

within a large crate, just like last time, positioned at the starting line, and the engine is puttering. Fortunately... Pumping in time. Does the green light flash? The flag go up?

Oh, stop. Fortunately, this wagon runs on an arcane core, so there's no fumes to inhale, which I only just thought. of while I was prepping this car. Merle, you're in the front passenger seat. Taco, you are standing in this cutout space in the roof

where the harpoon gun is mounted, and Magnus, you are on the trunk connected to the car with wires that you have attached to loops on your harness, basically the same arrangement as last time. And Hurley says from the driver's seat, okay, it's a sold-out crowd today. We're not racing for the fate of the planet or anything, so let's just have some fun out there.

Let's murder! What? What? What? What did you say? What did you say? I said, let's have fun. Yeah. I still don't understand why I have to do this.

That nice half-link said that he'd give me money not to. All we had to do was put some ink on favor. That means nothing in this world. There's no lawyers or anything. What are they going to do? Take us to send our court? Come on. Some of us have businesses.

I'm an LLC now. There's no lawyers, but there's necromancers. That's nothing. Oh, not. No. And outside of the crate, you hear two high-pitched beeps, and then Hurley says, I love this part. And then a third beep, and the door to the crate drops,

and Hurley slams on the gas. Hell yeah. And you are temporarily blinded as you emerge from the crate, and quickly your eyes acclimate to the sunlight, and you try to take in your sort of chaotic surroundings. The circuit is nothing like the last track that you raced on. If you remember, it's just kind of out in the desert with these pylons that people watch through.

It used to be illegal, but now it's totally, totally cool here. Their actual stands now reaching upward, a couple stories surrounding the track just filled with people. There's no need for the viewers of this sport to remain anonymous anymore. And there are 15 other battle wagons on the course with you tonight, and their designs are just as diverse as you expected, but there's far too much movement and dust being kicked up for you to sort of take down a mental list of them. And for several moments, Hurley shifts her wagon through several gears as you weave through the crowd until several hundred feet from the starting line,

the wagons fall into an order. You're in fifth place. Let's roll initiative. Hoops has 13 plus 3, 16. I have a 6 plus 2, 8. I have an 18 plus... Base setter. That seems like a good sign.

Where? Yeah. Plus 2. 20. That's a good roll? Okay. Y'all I live in Texas. I feel really guilty about the Yehaw thing.

I know that, I do. Okay, anyway, Hurley drafts behind the vehicle in front of you and then pulls alongside it bringing you into combat range. This wagon, like those you've faced before, has a peculiar design. Ooh. It resembles a metallic 15-foot-long caterpillar with five segmented armored compartments, each with a pair of sharp iron legs that skitter quickly across the racetrack,

pounding the dirt as it runs. The vehicle's sole passenger, a clean-shaven dwarven man, is controlling the caterpillar from inside of a glass-domed cockpit on the front segment. He eyes your vehicle and starts to sear the caterpillar

into a collision course with your battle wagon. Merle, you're up first. Uh-oh. Don't fuck up. I'm going to cast... Okay. I'm going to cast... No.

No, you're right. Merle... Unless Merle is announcing to the car... Big news, everybody. Merle cast shield of faith. It's a shimmering field appearing and surrounding a creature of your choice within range, granting it a plus two bonus

to act for the duration. Who are you casting this spell on? Uh... Oh. Um... Uh, uh, a taco. On taco. I cast it on taco.

I cast it on Taco. Okay. All right. Taco, you have plus two AC. You have a shield. I'm the fucking tank. He has... Doesn't matter.

All right. You cast a shield on Taco. It's like you ran a marathon and you made it the last 10 feet and then went. Hey, don't med a game. Don't have a hard right. Don't med a game. This is beautiful.

Merle had to make... It'll always work out. Merle had to make a panicked command decision and he just did Taco. This is like that episode of Friends where they were all in the backs... Hold on, everybody. It's back to the taxi and they hear what they thought was a gunshot,

and then Joey jumped in front of Ross, and Chandler was like, what the fuck, but really he's diving for his sandwich. Taco, you're up. And you're welcome. So what's happening now? Caterpillar is getting closer. Almost like it's going to act next.

I am going to cast a little evocation just to get things started. I am going to cast I'm not checking text by the way Yeah You're checking to see how the max fun drive is going Yeah It's still time to do it anyway Okay

I am going to cast Immolation Oh Flames wreaths one creature You can see within range I'm counting the Yeah it's a creature The Caterpillar

The vehicle or the driver Checking enough Inside the drive? would be safer for us. So I'm going to say inside the cockpit. Inside the cockpit? Okay, sure. This is horrible.

These safety harnesses will save you from death. I don't know how that works if you'd fill his cockpit with burning kids. His charred corpse steps out of the cockpit. Yeah. I did ask for clarification between can't and shouldn't. No, it's like prison. I'm killing one early, so they'd never. not to fuck with it.

Yeah, okay. Okay, roll that beautiful beam footage. So you have to make a dexterity saving throw. I got another six. Dang. Cut it. Wait, plus two, eight. That's a big N-O on that one, good buddy.

You're going to need to take 7 D6 fire damage. Burn, baby, burn. Don't worry, he has a safety harness on. Okay, okay. You're also going to be burning for a minute. minute. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, juice, do not worry about that part. I think the 7D6 is just gonna get me.

Go ahead and roll your D6. Actually, wait, I can do a website. You know what, this is like neither here nor there, but you are also shedding a bright light in a 30-foot radius. And the crowd goes wild. I got a 34. Wait a second. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What's up? There you are. I got an 30...

Not surprising. Bear hat, very warm. 34 fire damage as you just see this dwarf man like, eh? You'll be fine. And then there's a 30-foot radius bright light. And that's cool. And it makes a spotlight on Taco,

and he goes, sign up for my school. I think... I think... I think for added effect, too, the cockpit is soundproof. And so you just see, like... That's going to make good podcast listening, group. And they are not dead, but...

Sad. Dead. Beaten. Vanquished. However, he was going to act next. The caterpillar was on a trajectory to collide with the car. and I think it still sort of was moving in that direction

and tries to trample over the vehicle. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw. 18 plus 2, 20. 11? 5? Wowzers. Plus 1. 6.

Oh, that's good. No. No. Magnus is safe. Taco and Merle, you take 22 points of piercing damage. Pachy, Machi. As the legs, that sucks for you, pal. And with that, the caterpillar goes completely over you,

and I think it just tilts over and falls to the side and crashes into the side barrier of the track. I was going to do something so cool, too. Well, there's more wagons. And I think as it falls, you see the cockpit tumble open, and you see this dwarf come out, and he just looks kind of, like, singed. And he's just like, oh, well.

but he's totally fine. He just kind of has to look like, oh, what a day. He kicks the dust. He's like, bah, shoot. Well, next time. Hurley takes a turn with expert precision,

putting you just behind bumper to bumper, the next wagon in the order. This vehicle has a long, cylindrical body. It has a narrow cannon in the front, a single huge exhaust pipe at its rear. And just behind the cannon is a glass tank filled with a strange yellowish fluid. It is a giant vape pin.

Anyway, it has four gervlin passengers all saddled on top like a rowing team. The rear rider sees your wagon behind them and it shouts out and suddenly the exhaust pipe at the rear of the vehicle emits a massive plume of fog obscuring your vision and hiding this vehicle and the entire racetrack from your sight. Magnus, you're.

up. Of all the people to be up. Well, you got it. What is the... We don't, actually, but if we use your thing, everybody will know the jig is up. Vehicle metallic? Yes.

Cool. Except for the vape juice container. The flavor, by the way, is... Peas. Mango. Pea flavored vape? What a jail. Mango. It's mango

mint. So you get those tropical notes and then you get like a, oh, but ooh, but, ooh. Magnus, you're taking heavy rips on the trunk. What do you do? Right now, I'm just enjoying it, frankly. I will say sort of the mechanic here, because this is kind of how it worked last time. If you want

Hurley to reposition in any way or do any sort of maneuver to aid, specifically, I think this applies mostly to you since your shit's all sort of physical. How close were we to it? Just behind it, like bumper to bumper. Okay, great. So can I get to the front of the car?

Yeah, sure. You have to unhook yourself. Oh, no, the rails run front to back. Yes. So I get to the front of the car. Okay. And I deploy my magnetic charge. Oh, shit. What? Yeah. My magnetic charge...

I forgot. You... Yes. Fis size ball that produces magnetic field that repels metal objects. You remembered you had a magic item. Yes, I did. And I kind of, as I activate it, chuck it towards the vape pen card. Okay, what we have to figure out, I'm totally into this.

Hurley's Battlewagon is also metal? That's why threw it forward. Okay, but where are you kind of aiming it on the vehicle? Forward. To the front of the vape pan? To the exhaust pipe. Hmm. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here's what I'll say. Normally you could just be able to do this. You can't see because of the plume of fog.

Instead of giving you disadvantage or anything, I think it's just a straight up, like, attack roll of you throwing this thing, plus Dex. 14 plus Dex is a 16. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. I thought he had disadvantaged. Does the manias to rule twice? No, no, no, he doesn't have disadvantage.

Okay. Okay, you throw the magnetic charge... I mean, plus if it's an attack roll, I get, like... Yeah, you're cool. You get, like, plus a hundred. You throw the magnetic charge forward into the exhaust pipe? Look! Yeah, fuck it.

Listen, we got an hour and a half to get through this whole thing I throw it into the fucking exhaust pipe. Okay, here's what happens. You throw it into the exhaust pipe and it disappears as it goes into the exhaust pipe. And then the magnet expands. I don't know how this would work. Yeah, it sets off a charge of a charge. Okay, I think the way that this sort of works is the back half of the vehicle

tears itself apart. I think it just rips itself apart. And now it's a kind of, maybe a humble vapor pin. And they don't all have to be real long, folks. I'm not doing that joke. But the back half of it, and two of the gurbans just go flying and just shrapnel is shredding their bodies. But then they're like, hey!

It's all fun! It's great! And you have essentially taken care of half of the vehicle. Okay, so that's my first attack. Wait, and after you see. through that? For those of you listening to at home,

Justin is leaning over talking to Travis. When it lands and explodes, man, just goes, cotton! Yeah, yeah, sure. Sick. All right, what do you do

for your next attack? And look at that timer. Are there more gurblands on the thing? There's two more gurblands. We are hell on gervlins. I think it's a distance thing? Yes, also because you blew up the back half the smog is no longer

coming out. It is like broken. I'm going to need my chance lands. I'm trusting that's going to be there. Let's pause for a moment.

Pollenstorm.gov. These are main by at Salthiest Bunny on Twitter. Who brought them for? It's so fucking sick. Travis says it's a chance lands. I have a beautiful chancell

It's real. I hurl. Throw it at the audience, dude. Come on. Okay, yeah. Tragedy tonight as a I hurl it at one of the gurbans. Is one of them driving?

They're both driving. What? It's like a bobsled. Okay, but one is a... It's at one of them's a student driver. I will say they're in a row. Okay, I throw it at one. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, so that's... Now, that appears to be a failure, but... It is six plus ten, so that's 16. That's a hit, my friend. Okay. being a warrior rules and then it is

it's called fighter oh well actually it's I think bruiser or whatever or no rough boy I didn't do much now I only did six damage yeah that's not very much

but then I call it back to me okay here's how it works how does the bubble handle piercing damage exactly here's how it works you throw it and you hit the back one and it also goes through the front one, they both take six damage, and then as you call it back, it does six more damage

for a total of 12 damage. And with that, both gurblins, they're just gurbans, they slump off the side of the wagon, and I think it just kind of slows down. And I turn to talk on and I say, what are the chances? Okay, we can't. Half the audience, half the time is spent... I don't care what you think. You're losing them, Travis.

I do. I care very much. I think the vape pen just kind of half vapeen just kind of slows down and Hurley has to steer the battle wagon around it to get in front of it. And then you see just two more wagons. I put cars here. This is the only time I missed it. You see two more wagons between you and first place

and as Hurley brings your wagon into range of them. It almost seems like they slow down so as to put you right between them. And that's when you recognize that these two nearly identical vehicles are working in tandem. They're both imposing figures, these eight-foot-high rectangle. of rusted brass. Each one has four antennae, a position at the corners, and they're all facing you.

And from your position, you can just barely see these small rectangular vents on the front side of these rectangular wagons, which you assume to be the viewports through which the racers inside are watching the track.

The one on your left is outlined with a red trim around its edges, and the one on your right is outlined in blue. Merle, you're up. Two wagons. One to the left, one to the right,

big rectangles with antitians. antennae on them. Rectangles with antennae. Oh. Okay, Merle casts... Here we go. Gate. What?

A third spell? He conjures a gate, a portal linking an unoccupied space you can see within range in a precise location on a different plane of existence. Okay. What? No, no, no. Good. Good, good, good.

Okay. And I'm going to cast it in front of the blue one. You've disarmed the bomb. That's not how this works. It's fine. Okay. Do I do anything or... The victim cannot do anything. They just have to go in. No, Travis, what's the fucking card say? The portal is a circular opening, which... I need my glasses for the second half of the show. Okay, thanks, because I can't see shit.

How big is the opening, Travis, like a size of, like a... It is five to 20 feet in diameter. The portal lasts for the deprivation, which is up to one minute. Five feet in diameter, okay. Okay, you conjure a gate in front of the blue one, and it's five feet in diameter, and it's an... Five to 20 feet. Five to 20 feet.

Okay. What plane of existence are you sending them to? Don't say to hunger because that's gone. Oh, uh, I'm... What's up? You're welcome. The astral plane, you know, where astral shit hangs out. That's the plane of the afterlife, and that's very good. Yeah, okay.

But, you know, yeah, they're going there to that, that plane. That's the plane. Tell me more about these harnesses. Okay. Very good harnesses today, I hope. We see, okay, you see this gate appear in front of the blenet. blue one, and then all of you see the blue one just like at speed with you, and then you see like a flat line of

like blue fire, and then it passes through it, and then it's just not next to you anymore. And then we cut to Barry Lupin Kravitz, and they're talking to the Raven Queen, and she's giving them a dire mission, and there's windows, they're in the, they're in the prison where they do all their work.

There's huge windows outside, and you see the endless sea of souls outside. And they're talking, and it's a mission of much import. And then just this giant car just falls past the window. And they all look to the side. And then they just

look back and shrug and make shit talking. Probably Merle. And then from inside, we see this halfling, and he's inside the thing, just like looking through the window at this sea of souls he's falling through, but he's just like, I'm okay, I guess. This one's weird.

Taco. I know what the next live episode is going to be going to rescue that poor son of him. Taco, you are up. You just have the red rectangle wagon now. Is it posing any threat? Yes, so those antennae now have started to spark a little bit with electricity, almost as if they had you sandwich between them. that was going to be a really cool, big attack, but then...

Oh. Ah. Okay. That's why you gave me that really shitty look. I gave you an excited look. That was very good. Well, he didn't expect you to be competent. Yeah.

That's your. Fooled him. Yeah, it only took three years of the musling. What you got, Taco? Um, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu. I'm going to do another magic. Okay. What?

Here's one of the magic's, uh, I know, and you, I, you know, I'm trying to make it, trying to make it. Do some fun. Just trying to do something fun. The people of Dallas deserve fun. Give them some fun, damn it. I know, that was really, I don't know what that means. I know, I know. I got you.

Okay. So, uh, Taco extended his fingers, and you expect there to be like fire and shit, but instead you just get, it's a bad. bass. There's a bass line. And then he wiggles his ring finger and a melody extends. Is he playing drop mix on the... No, he's playing Otto's Irresistible Dance. It's a six-level enchantment.

Don't worry about rolling. It says irresistible right there in the title. Choose one creature. You can see within range, the target begins a comic dance in place. Shuffling, tapping its feet and capering for the duration of. of one minute.

That is on the driver, obviously. Yeah, sure. A hatch on the top of the vehicle pops open and you see another half-link pop up and is now sort of teen wolf surfing on top of this vehicle. And then he just starts

doing the Cupid shuffle, but so hard. Like hitting it so fucking hard. Just like slide to the left, like, and then he slides to the right and he falls off the fucking battlewet. and it pops up from the ground and goes, he has a big thumbs up.

And he looks around, he's like, where's my friend? That's my best friend. He's getting married tomorrow, and I'm his best man. As you conquer the two electrified wagons and leave them in your dust, you see nothing ahead of you

but empty track and the smoking rubble of a few of your competitors. We're going to wrap this up early. This has been a particularly battlefield battlewagon race, it would seem, but there's nobody ahead of you to challenge your final lap. Behind you, though, is another story.

you turn in unison to the sound of massive footsteps and see quickly approaching a massive battle wagon in the shape of a Tyrannosaurus rex. It is impressively to scale with razor-sharp fangs, small, cute arms, and two massive legs that are currently bounding towards you gaining speed, and it lowers its head to ram your wagon, and behind its eyes, you see its driver,

a human smiling with sinister intent. And then, The T-Rex explodes. Oh, I'm about to say, faster. Must go faster, and you fucking stole it. Faster, muscle. And then the T-Rex explodes. Thank you.

As does the ground around and behind you. And when the smoke clears, the T-Rex is gone, and you see its racer flailing away from the scene, but still pretty good. And then you hear whistling from above. And then more explosions, which Hurley weaves through deftly, but the heat of the bombs is flashing against your face.

Oh, shit. We're in the red zone. And you follow... Nerd alert. And you follow the sound of the whistling upward, and find in the sky three flying vehicles above you. A wide-winged metallic bomber that's readying another salvo. A dragon-shaped vehicle with wings covered in bright red canvas and a small wooden skimmer with an auto-crossbow mounted bay. And each of you...

Thanks, Travis. That's great. And each of you... these planes is towing a colorful banner behind and when red together they read, want a real race? Take to the sky with the Blaze Wing. We're going to take intermission. We will be right back. We got posters and merch in the lobby. Go. And we'll be back soon. Bye. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McRoy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your big dog. Woof, whoof, where's my big dog's hat? Thanks for listening to The Adventure Zone,

our live show from Dallas from earlier this year. I hope that you are enjoying it. We're putting up a live show this episode because Travis was on an extended vacation. And so we needed some time to cover for him. But we will be back in two weeks on Thursday, May 31st, with a new episode in the Amnesty arc. So we're going to be getting back to that soon. I'm going to chumbo tron here. And for this, did I call it a chumbo tron? I'm going to email Jesse and see if we can change the name of that.

This chumbo tron is about the once and future nerd, which you can find wherever you get your podcasts or you can say hey to him on Twitter, Tumblr, or Facebook. The once-in-future nerd is a tale about three teenagers from Pennsylvania who are transported to a fantasy world on the brink of Civil War. As they take their new reality into their own hands, they meet a colorful cast of misfits, fulfill and break all those fantasy tropes you love or hate, and discover power they never even imagined. This epic saga is brought to life with sound effects, score, and a full cast of award-winning actors doing their damnedest to make you laugh and or feel things. Oh, that sounds nice.

I haven't felt something in a while. And that sounds bleak, but maybe I've been waiting on this podcast to get me there. It's the once-in-fut-nurt, again, wherever you find your podcast, or on Twitter, Tumbo, or Facebow. I also want to tell you about Ghost Puncher. It's a web comic, but it also has a companion piece, D&D storytelling podcast called Ghost Puncher Core. You can find it at Ghostpuncher.net. Here's what they have to say.

Ghost Puncher and Ghost Puncher Core. Corpse? C-O-R-P-P-S. I've never been entirely sure how to pronounce that word, but I'm going to say corbs. Are supernatural adventurers tasked by Lucifer herself to keep order between the living and the dead. A few things you may find in the ghost puncher universe. Violence, nudity, body horror, dirty jokes, swear words, demonic shape-shifting truck nuts. Okay, I wasn't expecting that.

Good, but nevertheless suspicious Pecon Sandy's, Big Billy's potato product, werewolf pro wrestlers, a society of mutant subterranean jackrabbits, crunchy riffs, sexy synths, and a whole bunch of hopelessly gay ladies. That is Ghost Puncher and Ghost Puncher, and you can find that at ghostpuncher.net. Thank you to everybody who's been tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. I sure do appreciate your spreading the word about the podcast and about Amnesty and about all the stuff that we do here on the show. If you have a friend who you think might be into the shit we sling, then go ahead and send them our way. and that's cool when and if you do that.

I want to tell you we have a project we've been working on with the Mysterious Package Company. It is a direct mail adventure that we will send you on in Taco's Correspondent School of Magics and Cantrips and other stuff. It's really cool. I've used the Mysterious Package Company stuff before and they're just neat little mysteries delivered to you in the mail that you solve puzzles and do activities,

and there's a narrative component and you get some like physical rewards for doing it. We're really excited about this project and you can find out more at mysterious package.com and look for the link for tacos, correspondence, school of wizardry, cantrips, and other magics. I'm going to thank Max Funn for having us on the network. You can go to MaxMundFon.com. And if you want to hear more stuff that we do, you can go to mackleroyshows.com. And I think that is going to do it. Again, we will be back in two weeks with the next episode of the Adventure Zone Amnesty on May 31st.

So I'll talk to you then. Bye. Okay, so, act two, begin. Hurley, Hurley slams on the gas, narrowly avoiding another salvo from the enormous bomber overhead. You hear loud clanking and whirring from the plane as it reloads for another assault. And as if to run distraction for its companions, the smallest of the three vehicles, the wooden skimmer armed with a huge crossbow, on its underside, flies down to hover

just above your battle wagon. Its pilot flips some switches from its exposed cockpit and the crossbow ready to shot. It's actually the skimmers turn in the order, and I think it launches a huge bolt right at Magnus, who is positioned on the trunk of the vehicle deathproof

style. Luckily, he's got that magic shield that dad made him. You didn't. The joke is you didn't. You've got to the magic you. 24 versus AC. Oh, Taco's the other one. Hold on. Hold on. There's no way you have fucking airplane proficiency. Those don't exist.

Now, I know that. I'm looking to see what Fletcher's Mitt does, because I can't remember. Oh, yeah. It catches arrows. It gives you plus 1 AC to projectiles, and if you block it, you catch the missile. Oh, and then I also have the Giants ring,

and I assume because you said it was a giant crossbow. Okay. Have I fought against crosbows before? I have because of Killian. Yeah. So yes, actually, it does. That makes 24. Okay.

This fucking. Crossbow wielding anti-infantry vehicle shoots a giant crossbow bolt at you, and you just wonk. You wonk it. And I throw it back. It is your turn. And I throw it back.

No, I am, well, I'm going to hold on to it. I'm going to grappling hook swing up into it. Your grappling hook? Yeah. You have one of those. Yes, I do. Okay. I can use it once per day.

I'm remembering all my items. Any hot deets in there? Yeah, I'm sure there are. Things. Yes, Scrabbling Hook. Good for one use per day to climb something like Batman. That's the end of the...

What the fuck? That's what it says in the wiki. Good old wiki. I just feel like the world of balance was so much more fleshed out. Oh, went for 12. years. Okay. All right. You do that. You, Pee-Poo. Zip? Zing? Whoa. Oh, man. Now I would like to use my vehicle

proficiency to try to take over the vehicle. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, it's an open, open cockpit, right? I'm thinking like a biplane, right? Like, sort of an old-time you biplane with a crossbow mounted underneath. However, there is somebody in there, so it's not, You're not rolling against the airplane. Like, I'm doing an airplane takeover roll. You're going to have to do something about the person in the pilot seat. I was wondering, why has Travis get to do so many things every time? Why do you get to summon horses and dinosaurs and shit?

The... I know his name is garril. I'm on the show. I thought it was garrle. The grappling hook was a move action. This is your action action. And I get six of those. Okay, yes.

Okay. I'm going to, I don't know, stab him. With the bolt? With what? I've got so much. Well, then fucking pick something. I am going to, I don't know, it feels like a sneak attack, doesn't it? I am going to...

Very sneaky. I'm going to chop this head out with the real splitter. Fuck off. Okay, roll it. Roll that bean footage. Good luck harness. 26. Yeah, that just hits.

And it does not cut his head off fatally. No, that is an 8 plus 5.13. Okay, with a 13, you get into that neck meat, but he kind of flexes. It's like, huh! And the head does not come off. I come at it for a second time. He laughs after the first attack, like, ha-ha.

Now it's my... What? 17. Yes That is 10 points of damage It's just on there with sinew and thread And he's like

Now it's time for my turn Action search 19 That's 13 again Yeah I do one thing and I do it good And over and over His head comes off.

And he's like, ha ha, I got, oh, and it starts to like slide off his neck. He's like, oh, shoot. But still alive. He's also wearing a harness, so he's good to go. These are good. Can we keep these harnesses? They are very good.

No, they only work today. And I think his whole body, I think that, oh, here's what happens. The plane starts to tilt, and his whole body just slumps out. and it also gets run over by Hurley's battle wagon, but he's still like, okay. The plane is starting to roll a little bit. There is still a tether, I think. Well, no, I guess it was just a grappling hook,

so it's just you in the plane. It's mine now. Is it you're in it? Okay, you're in it. I'm not going to do like a, you have to save the plane, I think. It's my fucking plane. Yeah, you have a plane now.

Ha, ha, ha. Now I have a plane. Okay. You did some cool stuff there. Merle, it is your turn. You got two more planes. And these planes are high above. They are pretty high up there.

Like 70 feet. Does that feel good to everybody? Does that seem high to you? 100 feet. How high is I? Let's say 120 feet. Okay. So they're up there.

I cast control weather. What do you do with the weather? Hold on. Wait, I got a revel in this. You take control of the weather within five miles. Fuck. Wait. What the fuck?

Read it and weep, loser. It's, watch. Right now I'm calling it. This is a level eight spell. Are you there? Yes, I know. It's a level eight. Oh, my God.

Where were they? Where were they? Dad has his glasses back. It's level eight, but because of it. Holy shit, look at all of you. Wow. I just thought it was like eight people making a lot of noise. Play some D&D with your dad.

You change the current weather conditions. You can change precipitation, temperature, and wind. So I'm going to attack the, what's the most rickety? Okay, this would not be an attack. You can do something and I'll help you resolve it into something cool, but you're not rolling like an attack. Okay, I want there to be baseball-sized hailstones. Okay, that's a little too real, because Dallas is softball-sized here.

Let's, how about this? Some people maybe come here as an escape from the baseball-sized hailstones. So why don't we do... How about this? How about if they're coated with ice, all of them, which means they can't fly as high? Stop. Okay. And get them within range of us.

It is a sleet storm. And because of this, they are going to have disadvantage on their sort of plane-based actions while they are in the sleet storm. You have debuffed them permanently. You didn't crash both fucking planes out of this plane. That's all right. With the one spell you shouldn't be able to have. It sounds pretty damn competent to me. And sure does.

What do you think? Thank you. Taco, you're up. Yeah. I also think they come down now. Now they're 60 feet above you. So still feel high? Still kind of high?

How high is 60 feet? I'm trying to think of a 60-foot-tall dude, and that's like pretty tall, yeah? Yeah. Wait, there's 60 feet now? Or like 12 or 5-foot tall people? Now they're 60 feet. I'm going to cast

Mordecahn's. sword. Yeah. You see Taco extend his hand and a big sword comes out of it. It is a

sword-shaped plane of force that hovers within the range it lasts for the duration and I'm going to make a melee spell attack against the target of my choice. You got the dragon

and you got the big bomber, the big metallic bomber or sort of the more canvasy they got disadvantage? Yeah? Yeah, on their saves and stuff. Perfect.

Thanks to Merle. Thanks to Merle. And his great... Oh my God, that's a natural 20! Now, for those of you who are listening, his thing lit up. It's true. Y'all, we got 20 minutes left we're supposed to do.

You can't keep instilling these planes. This is not going to instill it, Griffin. It's just 3D10 force. Well, is it times 2 on a crit spell? Yeah, so that's going to be 6D10. Are we going to do this manually? Eight. Fifteen.

Fifteen. Nineteen. 19. Times two? Yeah. 38. Okay. Yes.

Okay. Okay. And this was on the dragon? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And what's it look like? Describe it with your words.

It's... You did Taz Elementary. I know you know how to paint a picture. So it's... It's like a... You just wanted to drink some water. It's a sword. if you've ever seen

a sword if you've ever seen a game of throne they have like everyone's got them you know how on thunder cats yeah oh it looks like the sort of

omen because they just got thunder cats in this world and everybody's really into it and they just got it and everybody's super into it is a slasher stab it's a wall of force

so it it sort of slashes through, I guess. Okay, they like that. All right, I think you... It's forced damage, so it's like... You know, like if someone hit you with the flat of the blade, just like... Yeah, that's it. It's basically a spanking spell. A spanking sword,

if you will. All right, you hurt this dragon real bad, and with that, it flies down towards you. And it swoops in to sort of intercept you and protect the bomber. And as you eyeball it, you realize this vehicle has no pilot. It is being controlled remotely somewhere by somebody very skilled.

Asshole. And with a flap of what remains of its wings, it pulls ahead and it turns to face you, and it has streaks of flame beginning to grow in its mouth. Taco. Jesus Christ. Anna has disadvantage. Okay, first time I rolled a three. The second time, I swear to Christ, I rolled a one.

Let me check my sheet. Hold on. Oh. Okay, so it tries to bite at you and write it. And it's fucking buffalo. It's jaw. It's like, ah, and its jaw just falls completely off because of the cool slash that you did earlier. Then with its second attack, that fire, now... It gets more than one attack?

Yeah, imagine that. It's fire, now unimpeded by a second lower jaw. shoots out at your vehicle. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw. But I'm not on the... Oh, you're right. Magnus is good. Actually, no, it's shooting at all of them. You are saving for the plane.

19 plus 3, 22. Good. I got 12. That is a not 20. Okay, but it's just a... It is a save. You very safe. You extremely safe. Magnus, the fire just gets... Okay. Now, Dad just not...

a bottle of water off the table and grabbed it. Tonight. I'm on fire! You are killing it. Okay. I am on fire. Magnus, I'm going to miss him so much. Magnus, take 32 points of fire damage. All right. And also

the left wing of your airplane is on fire. Cool. Still flying, on fire. Going to be a situation. You have a harness, Trev. You are next. And now I'm down to only 99 hit points. You are next, Magnus. Don't fucking lower the stakes for them.

They don't know how many fucking hit points you have. I do. It's on my sheet. No, they don't. I say 36. They're like, what if you have 37? Okay, so my plane is a little on fire. Can I control the giant crossbow?

Hmm. That's a good question. Actually, because you're in the middle of a hailstorm, you can, but you'll have disadvantage. Good job, Deb. How close am I to the bomber? It's still way up in the sky. It's 120 feet. You could, but you're going to have to roll really good to fly through the sleet store.

Okay, I pull out my stone of Fars Beach. Uh, yeah. Taco. Come on back, good buddy. Yeah, do you have any plans for the... 10-4 back door. Dragon. What?

Hey, sorry. Hey, this is, uh, Jerry. Can you say that again? because you sound wild. You fucking, like, microphones work by putting your voice in them. Like, that's how I hear you. Did you want a large fries with that? This is how.

An orange drink. Do you want an orange drink? Are you trying to get the person controlling the dragon to... No, I was trying to ask Todd about the deal with the dragon, but I'm just going to crash my plane into the dragon. Okay. Don't worry. I'm going to leap to safety.

In your harness. No? to the battle wagon. That's a natural 20. Matt 20! Man! Jews, can you get a picture of that? I think the first thing you see,

everybody else in the car, battle wagon, shit. I think all you see... Should I wait until after you're taking a picture in the middle of the podcast that we're doing, or... Just a momento. We're sharing time as a family together.

You're on that table. I don't get the family time. I have my own family over here on my solo table with my fucking wizard's sheet. I think Taco and Merle, see through the windshield of the car, you see Magnus just land on the windshield, on the trunk, just like

face up. And then you see his plane like a second later just crash into the dragon and explode. And now both are downed. And Creed starts to play in the background. Don't ask why. It just does. And with that,

the... And also he lowers his aviators. Or puts them on, what's cooler? puts them on puts them on the bomber overhead readies another salvo of bombs

this time it's like smaller cluster bombs that you have to dodge out of way of on the car and I know that doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it

but everybody make a dexterity saving throw 18 battle wagon, not car sorry, thank you but please don't yell things at the stage two

two is bad 17 plus 1, 18. Okay. You're a dexterous motherfucker in a night, man. Yeah, Taco, you get hit with these very small bombs that don't anybody. They're smart bombs. But you do have that extra AC. Does that help?

That does help. It doesn't. It was a saving throw. It doesn't help. It doesn't help at all. That's just 11 points of damage. How many? 11.

All right. Okay, here's what happens. Taco. Did I tell you how much damage you take? Yes. did that. I think the

bomber overhead starts to ready another salvo and you hear Hurley, she's got her own stone of far

speech, car speech? If it was a car that would be good. There's something there. That's the show with the two brothers,

right? It's her stone of battle wagon speech. It's her stone of battle wagon speech and she pulls it out and she says um,

uh, hey, babe, can you do the thing? And then we see Sloan in the press box like kind of

sigh, and then the wood that sort of composes her body, she like claps her hands together, and it starts to glow. And then from the ground immediately in front of your battle wagon, roots start to grow up to form a sick ramp. And right when your car is about to hit it, Hurley flips up a latch on the stick shift and presses a button, and the horns on the ram on the front of the car turn backwards and ignite sweet gnauss. And your wagon goes flying upward into the air in the direction of the bomber. Autobots transform. And it sails over the wing of the bomber and Hurley says,

get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out. Okay. And Magnus does. I get out, I guess. Okay, sure. And you land on the wing of the bomber for the climactic boss fight. and her car keeps on going over the wing and you see her inside like,

oh shit, and she goes sailing back towards the ground, but she's fine because she has a magic harness. You actually see her jump out and her bubble deploys and she falls safely, but her car explodes as it hits the ground. But she's cool. She's fine. And now you're on the wing of the bomber. You land and see where I am in the notes.

Hmm. You're on the wings of the bomber, which have a span of nearly 20 feet equipped with four propellers that drag the vessel through the sky. On the front of the plane, you see a cockpit hatch protruding, heavily reinforced by the look of it.

And inside you see the dwarf you encountered earlier, Alfred de Gaulle piloting the vessel. He doesn't seem to have noticed you there. Was he? You're a halfling, yeah. Was he? Okay. Oops.

You see the halfling, and he's Alfred de Gaul, and he doesn't notice you there, but his mobility behind him is limited. He's trying to contact his companions, but to no avail. What do you do? We are out of initiative. Is he in the race?

The race has kind of sort of become a little confusing at this point. I really did want to win the race. Do you feel like we won? There is a lot of money at stake. Yeah. You said 100,000 gold. 20 million gold, yeah. I never thought the...

three of you, sneaking up on an unarmed, unaware enemy would lead to such fucking pause. Merle cast's death ward. What? Well, you're just sitting there on your ass not doing anything. Somebody doing something. What's going on? Dad casts a weird spell, so tell us all about it, Mac. Well, the first time you...

Cast it is now. The target would drop to zero hit points as a result of taking damage. The target instead drops to one hit point, and the spell ends. Are you protecting him? What? I'm back. Here's the thing. I was going to stab him, and then Dad was like, oh, we're going to kill him with his spell. But the spell.

Okay, but he casts a healing, dad casts a healing spell on. Again, I ask, everything okay over at that table. Y'all have family discussions over on that table, so I don't know if there's some sort of drama going on. I don't know if you all got stung with the same B, and it's making your brain's not working anymore. Maybe Marl's going through his cannon spell cards. Okay.

And Magnus just goes, hold on, and just stabs the dude. Okay. Do I have to do anything to make this spell happen? Don't I have to roll? We have not played Dungeons and Dragons in so fucking long. Here. Your spell. What are you rolling to do?

The fucking cockpit opens up. It's been to eight minutes. He fucking looks behind him. How long have you been there? Eight minutes? He gets out of the car. cockpit. 24 versus AC sneak attack. He steps out. Nope,

it's too late. You reach back to attack, but he's been standing there for five minutes because you've been standing there for 18 minutes doing fucking nothing. There's a million people here. No, Alford gets out. And he says, I see you've taken out my companions. But you don't seem to get it. I already won. Your race won't be finished. The fans will be upset.

And the next time they want to go out for some entertainment, What are they going to think about? These big, cool skywackens, dogfighting in the clouds. You should have taken my offer? Well, I guess you did take my offer, but you should have followed through with my offer, fellas. Here's what you don't know. I bet your 10,000 gold on this exact outcome. And then I'm going to use that money to buy the Blazing Wings.

It was a million no-one odds that this exact outcome would play out. It is also the plot of Dodgeball. I love that flick. Fantasy Ben Stiller. So what is it about... What is it about Blazing Wings, the planes that explode, you think is going to drive in the crowds?

Folks love, like, cool planes stunts. Damn, you're right, okay. As soon as I said it, I didn't realize. Yeah, did you hear what you said? It's very cool. And that's why I think the whole... Listen, the whole Blaze Wings name, I think is pretty dope if you really think about what they are.

So anyway For a real challenge I've foiled everything And I guess Wait There is one thing That could Could foil you

What if somebody Won the race? There's no way It's done And Taco jumps out of the plane And on the way down To the ground He casts Phantom Steve

What's the What's the What's the suspension like On those bina corn legs? It's pretty good considering that I have an umbrella that always has feather fall and cash for free.

Do you still have that umbrella? They crafted another one in the last six months. Okay, fine. Thank you. All right, I think, let's finish the plane business first as you are sailing towards the ground. Yes. Magnus and Merle, what do you do?

Yes. Are you going to let Taco win the race? Yeah. Okay. It's very big of you. I bet on this exact... Yeah, okay. I think...

Okay, DeGal runs back towards the cockpit. I throw the chance land. Okay No, it's gone He's not going to bring it out now Paul's got other jobs to do Other than run out here And bring us cups of pencils

And spears and things It's at 25 Yeah Wait, you roll at 25? Yeah, man That sounds like one of my rolls Uh, six? Yeah, not great

However, Chances Is it a little rusty From disuse, it seems It hits him And he kind of steps backwards and he's like and then as you recall it out of him, he sort of

overcompensates his step and he goes backwards into one of the propellers. But as his particles fly through the air, they sort of give a like thumbs up, I'm good. And then that propeller explodes.

And then he's still pretty good. However, the plane you're standing on now is starting to go down. Didn't I? And this is how they die. I've got a harness. Oh, okay, you just fucking write it to the ground? Yeah, you just ride it to the ground?

Yeah, bug it. Are you in Merle like... I hug Merle one last time. Selma and Louiseing it? Okay. Yeah. You both go down together. Here's the scene.

Taco, you hit the ground with Garel and that you're just cool. What's up? We're racing? I think he's... I think he's... audience, I think the audience is like, kind of confused about what's happening. They're not sure what they just watched.

This audience or this? This audience. They're not really sure what they watched it, thought it was going to be a race, and then some planes from a competing league showed up and tried to blow everything up. But you hear some yelling from the sidelines, the other racers, I think, realize what's going on, and they're all pointing to the finish line,

which is right in front of you. I tell Geryl, if you go fast, tonight, I'll give you some oats. I wish He's like, ghosty oats. And he's like, Spectral oats. And I'm like, you know it. And then he goes

faster than the other people? I don't know for racing, if I could just say he's faster than the other ones and he wins the race. I think as you're running down the track, there are no other battle. Which means the audience has been down on like the race track level for a few minutes,

the 30 minutes. You step up there not doing anything. The Taka stands up in the stirrups and raises his hands. Like, hey, this is And now the audience is losing it. Racing is still alive. And it casts prismatic spray and just like colors shooting out of his hands. It's an amazing spectacle. This is what racing is all about. And right as you cross the finish line, the bomber crashes to the ground behind you and a massive explosion.

And confetti shoots up from the pylons and Hurley and Sloan run towards you with the turbo platinum cup. and all the other racers run out cheering. You've saved their league and put on an amazing show. And Merle and Magnus are totally fine. And Merle and Magnus from the Flaming Wreckage, do you look back to see if your friends are okay? I don't. No.

No. Well, Forever is looking. From the flaming wreckage, we see the hands of Merle and Magnus stick out too big, gross thumbs up. But Taco didn't see that. No, he's totally good. Okay.

And that's the episode. So, hey folks. Thank you all so much for coming. We'll see whoever's going to be here tomorrow from a bum-bam. And bye. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned.

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