The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in Minneapolis!

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Is it a dream? Maybe! Tres Horny Boys find themselves in the world’s deadliest cooking competition. They must battle delicious foes, entertain nutritious friends, endure tummy troubles, and impress the judges – or risk being forever labelled an idiot sandwich. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Welcome, welcome to the first live adventure zone we've done in about 37 years. Do you all want to introduce yourselves in the characters you will be portraying this evening? Our father. Thank you, son. Let's start at the far end. Justin. And just to be clear, dad can't willingly take it straps under his shirt. Dad had me tie it onto his nude flesh, his arm. He is so pot committed to that wooden arm, guys.

Hi, my name is Justin McElroy. I'll be portraying the role of the Elvin Wizard Taco. Thank you. And I am extremely excited to play Dungeons and Dragons right now. I'm pumped. Let's go. Skip these two. Let's play.

Roll for initiative. I win. My name is Clint McElroy. And, oh, you already know the rest. I play Merle High Church, a beach dwarf with fanny pack. Dad, is that the one for sale at macklero merch.com? Why, yes, it is, Justin. These are still available in a couple of different colors and patterns.

I love the pattern, but can't I buy it as wrapping paper? Of course you can, Justin, if that's what you so desire. I'm just impressed that Dad came out here with his extreme teen Bible and not the children's book that he's been selling at all of our live show. We have a second act, Griffin. Yeah, that's a fair point.

My name is Travis McGroy and I play Mangus, no, sorry. Magnus Burnside's the fighter. Although, mangoose would be a pretty cool character. Yeah, it's mine. Don't take it old man. Okay.

Would that be a mangoose or would it be a mangoose? A man mongoose, maybe? Yeah, that's nothing. I'm Griffin Macra. I'm playing everyone else. And let's, let's begin. Are you ready? Are you ready? Am I ready? Yes. Here we go.

Stage lights snap on from rigging, suspended high above. Burning your eyes as they adjust from the darkness that filled the room moments ago. Your mind reels with a question as you squint away tears. Where the shit am I? To which your own mind answers, I do not know. Okay, Griffin, but what's happening in the game? Last you remember, you were settling in for the evening in your respective beds, or if you all want, in a big, adorable triple-decker bunk bed. Oh, not one big bed?

That, sure, they could also be... That could also be a thing. Your senses faded as you embraced your slumber, and then those same senses were flooded with the sights and sounds before you now. The cheering... Well, you're used to by now. It's coming from all around you, from an audience you're unable to see through the brilliant spotlight shining down upon you.

What you can see... Oh, sure. It's like I can hear them now. What you can see is a structure towering in front of you, a tiered pyramid-esque tower with colorful and garish chambers with purposes you can't quite discern. You can smell some truly incredible mouth-watering aromas wafting down from on high, the origin point for which are unclear.

You can taste, well, nothing at the moment. The excitement. Sure, you can taste the excitement. And you can feel dozens of eyes glaring down upon you, eyes filled with excitement and judgment. They're the glinting yellow eyes of massive, riving serpents floating 100 feet in the air, serpents that are, upon further inspection, attached to the scalp of an enormous, aged but still excruciatingly handsome head, which is similarly attached to the towering body wearing a pristine white chef's coat. and this enormous being smiles as the lights hit him, and he begins his spiel.

Taco from TV! You once knew him as the world's most popular traveling chef slash performer, until one faithful whoopsie in the kitchen left a bad taste in the mouths of a town full of unfortunate yokels. Can this disgraced Gormand, with the help of his bumbling associates, reclaim his honor, and impress our judges with his feats of courage and cookery, Let's find out. I'm Chef Gorgon Ramsey. So proud.

I'm so proud of you right now. I love you so much. I'm Chef Gorgon Ramsey, and this is the Ziggarots. Let's meet our contestants. You there, Jerry Garcia, what's your story? What? A great side. Well, I have an ice cream name after me.

Who's this talking? Who's this talking right now? There we are. Man, that kills the other joke. That's not my... I am Earl High Church. That's not Merrill, either. Merle High Church, 300 years in the future? Marty!

No? Marty! Wait a minute, what voice do you want me to use? Merle High Church! I know he's in there, Dad. Let him out. Can we speak to Merle? Okay, doke.

No. Which voice? No! Has it been that long? It was kind of a crucial. Christopher Lloyd voice. Okay, that's fine. Close enough.

Wow. But you know the pressures of touring. Yeah. I'm a Royal High Church, and I'm a beach cleric. And I'm not sure what you want me to say, but I'm happy to be here at the cigarette.

I mean, typically we get a little bit of your backstory and sort of your cooking background. Well, it all started in a small 50,000 watt. radio station in Fresno, California. Just a kid and a crazy dream. And I make scrambled eggs whenever I'm called upon.

That's about it. You have not met my admittedly extremely low expectations. And you there, muscle man. You think you're all impressive with all your muscles? Yes, I do.

I'm Magnus Burnside. Hero, folk hero, fighter hero, aspiring cooking hero. I've been reading cooking magazines and learning from them self-taught by cooking magazines. I'm pretty good, I'd say. One step below taco would be myself below taco, not quite equal yet. From what I've heard, that's not far off, eh?

Hey, they're Taco from TV annihilated any villages lately. Ooh. Yes, actually. I was a bystander of that, to be fair. Hi, I'm Taco from TV.

They're already in the pocket for me, which doesn't seem too great for you. I'm the world's greatest television chef. I was trained in a spiritual plane by ephemeral Lagasi, and I'm so happy to be here to show you what I'm made of. He says, well, hopefully this will be the chance at redemption that you've no doubt been looking for. I did save the multiverse, but sure, let's make some pizza.

I'll prove myself that way with a nice chicken colombie. He says, today's challenge is simple. The three of you will scale the ziggurat, braving its challenges as you collect ingredients along the way. At the peak, you'll find a full. Holystock pantry and kitchen where you'll prepare the most delicious meal and preferably least poisoned meal of your career. Succeed and you'll receive the honor of becoming the new champion of the ziggarot. Fail and you'll join the pantheon of shame. Any gestures in a light illuminates a platform filled with rows of chefs, all frozen in stone with expressions of pain and fear.

Well, no wonder they failed, they're all frozen. Oh, I'm sorry. Have you seen, have any of you seen the Ziggur? I don't really watch TV. I don't have one in the home. I think it's bad for you. That's Magnus saying that, not Travis. I used to have a few episodes when I taped over them with the Fantasy Olympics.

You know how it goes. Kids tape used to be how you would record TV shows and then sometimes you would tape over. On thousands of VHS. Dad had over a thousand. with a corresponding card catalog, pre-digital era, he would just have these four by three. Don't cheer for it. No, cheer for it.

It was a dysfunction. It was dysfunction. I was ahead of my time. And I'm still ahead of my time because now I don't even have a VHS flicker. He says, before you throw your lives to the whims of fate and flavor, do you have any questions?

Is this a dream? Okay. I get that a lot. How did we get here? That wasn't an answer, though. I was just looking for it. It was like, yes or no? You, uh, it's more about the destination than the journey, isn't it?

Oh, so you're just going to ignore my question and move over to his? Okay. Oh, but whose dream? What? Exactly. Oh, boy. He bends down and his giant hand reaches, in and pinches you on the shoulder.

Ow. Yeah. That means nothing. Maybe not. You can get pinch in a dream. I don't know why people think otherwise. I can fly in a dream, but I can't get pinched. Let's begin scaling the ziggurat, he says.

Okay. And a door slides open, and you step foot into the first floor of the ziggurat. This looks like the first floor of the ziggurat. And in doing so, step foot into a twilight wheat field. A soft wind blows the chest-high stalks of wheat around in hypnotic waves. In the distance you see three scarecrows watching over the crop positioned about 50 feet away from each other. They're not identical. One appears ragged, barely clinging to the stake, holding it off the ground.

The second is holding together well dressed in folksy attire. The third appears to have a glowing, horrible smile and is moving, kind of. Each is positioned in a small circular clearing, but what else sits inside that clearing is unclear. Oh. It's an unclearing. The door disappears behind you as it shuts. What do you do?

I want to attack them. That's not. I mean, we don't need to rush in anything. I'm going to, um, I'm going to do a, um, uh, I'm going to do a perception check. See what I noticed about these. Oh, right. Yeah, Dungeons and Dragons. For you, physical dice.

Here we go. for you a chunky, delicious. 13 plus 5, 18. Okay, the wheat is moving. Oh, God, okay, good. Not from the wind that's blowing through it, you see odd sort of erratic movement. You can tell that it is moving sort of more quickly

with a little bit more activity closer to the scary scarecrow than it is to the sort of ragged, scarecrow. Is it kind of an evil movement or just like a or more neutral movement? Is it a comforting moving wheat? Yeah. I mean, have you ever been in a wheat field? No. Seen it moving and been like, ah, good. No. I like this. You know, though? Can I be honest? I don't know if I've ever been in a weed field.

I don't think I have either. Yeah, now that I think about it. I don't know what to expect. I cast Detect Velociraptors. I will also give you Taco. He's dumb. He's too damn dumb. You are taller than the rest. It was a Jurassic Park. It was a Jurassic Park, Joe.

Is Taco taller than Magnus? The hat. With the hat, yeah. And we've never mentioned this before, but Taco's eyes are on top of his hat. Yes. Around each scarecrow is a table with some foodstuffs on it. Oh, okay. You can't quite tell the nature of the foodstuffs, but there are foodstuffs around.

found each scarecrow. One more question. Yes, please. Is the wheat taller than Merle? Yeah. Fellas? Yeah, you want to get on my back? Guys!

Okay, I got you, and I hoist him up on my shoulders. Oh, God, how embarrassing. Okay, make a, make a strength check. He's, he's, not a... A 17 plus five. You fucking throw him into the sky. Whoops! You should be able to overshoot checks.

Yeah, for sure. too good. No, you get him up on your shoulders. Merle, how long have you been waiting for this opportunity? Never. Okay. Can I make a pride check? Yeah, but I'm going to give you a negative 10 to that stat.

I don't know what I'd roll. What do you see now, Merle? There's food. Yeah, can you make out any of it? I don't know. Let me make an insight check. What the fuck? Investigation would be more.

I had the first letter, right? Well, maybe he wants to know if the food is lying. All right, so... What is food? Good insight. Let's speak on that. That is a... Eleven.

Okay, with an 11, you can tell that the three tables around each of the three scarecrow have food stuffs of varying quality. The very scary scarecrow has some good-looking bread and other stuff around it, while the raggedy one has some moldy looking, busted, baked goods. Enough farting around, Magnus makes for the goods. Which, in which direction? The good one. Okay.

I'm not going for the shitty food. Okay. And Merle, you go with him? I can't. Not really have to have much choice. Yeah. That's right. You're catching a little right.

I'm going to go to the bad food. Oh, okay. Tis a poor craftsman that blames the stools. Sure. Magnus and Taco, please make dexterity. saving throws. Son of a... 13 plus

2, a 15. A natural 20? Holy shit. That's a flip wizard right there. We'll start with Taco. Taco, this wheat path that you are following toward the raggedy scarecrow

is itself pretty beaten down. And so it is that you can see as you wonder towards this raggedy scarecrow, a about dinner plate-sized single oat with arms and feet holding a little knife. It's cute as hell.

Sorry, an oat? Just a single oat. It is a, you'll know this because of your cooking background. It's an oat sprite. This oat sprite is holding a knife and he's like, and he slashes at you, but you're so fast that you just kind of dodge out of the way and a stiff wind picks him up and just blows him away. And you look up and you think, oh, that's weird.

And you look over just in time to see Magnus topple over shrieking as he is slashed with me. On a 15? With many knives as several dozen oat sprites take him to the ground. Hey, everybody, be careful there's oat sprites. Don't drop me, don't drop me. No, you're both going down. Magnus and Merle, you both take 11 points of slashing damage as you are. It's nothing.

Surrounded by oat sprites who are now holding you down and cutting into you with gleeful laughter. So have I made it to the food yet? Yeah. I mean, sorry, you were halfway there when you saw your friends getting...

Okay, just checking. Yeah, I mean, they got it. Sure. Hey, do you guys got it? Yeah. All right. No! Okay, yeah, you get to the clearing

with the table in it, and there's a scarecrow on a stage, and sort of surrounding that steak is a big round table with a meager selection of ingredients, a moldy loaf of whole wheat bread, a half a sheath of saltines, and a trio of rock hard dinner rolls. Hmm.

This is not a puzzle. Choose Jesus' rolls. I take them in a bag that I brought from home. Roll a dexterity saving throw. Son of a... It's just dumb. Four. How do you not pick up a roll?

Yeah, you're gonna pick up a roll. Oh, it was a roll roll. You reach down and you scoop all the stuff into the bag and you feel like a broom hitting you in the side of the head as this raggedy ass scarecrow hanging off his steak. It's just like, you take one point of bludgeoning damage. And he's like, ha ha ha, ha. You.

It's rude, honestly. It's rude. Yeah. You want more? I got more rolls inside of my body. Wait, do you? Do you really? Yeah, reach in and get him.

I got more bread. Yeah, okay, sure. I reach in and get it. Make a dexterity saving throw. I reach into his bread basket. Yeah. Just for you. That's a 10 plus

three. He hits you with both of his arms this time. Like, pop, pop. And you take two. who points of bloodshank damage. There's no fucking bread in there, man. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. I got rolls in my tummy.

Oldest trick in the book. I mean, I guess he's filled with straw. I don't know if that's... Hey, do you have a soul? Of course. Thanks to my Lord and Savior. I'm gonna just go if that's... No, wait. Hold on, wait, man.

Shh. Hold on, man. Yeah. You're not going to hit me again. Listen. All right. Will you reach inside me again? Come on.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to bop you. But I don't have much else going for me. I'm a raggedy-ass scarecrow and a game show that might or might not be even be in a dream. Let me, I'll tell you what. Let me help you get down. Thank you. Then you can go on your way.

Great. You're sent. sir do you have legs i got a steak all right cook with the steak do you go to help him down yeah help him okay make a dexterity saving throw uh 16 plus 319 i mean he he swings at you again but you dodge him he's like oh you're learning ha ha ha all right you're you're actually rude and i am leaving now go bye okay i love you yeah for sure uh i get it magnus and merle you both are being cut with mini blades. You said it's like dinner size plate oats, right?

Yeah, but it's like 40 of them. Okay, Magnus is going to stand up. Okay. I could pick up 40 dinner plates, Griffin. It wouldn't be easy, but like... Could you pick up 40 sentient killer dinner plates with the plates? Could Mag... Okay, I'm saying, compare me to Magnus,

and I think that covers the sentience. Okay, yes, you can stand up. Okay. You're standing. Thank you. Merle? Murl cast fired storm. Fuck.

Hey guys. Damn, on himself. Damn, dad. Jezah heads up. Dad went through his spells yesterday and I could hear him across the room and get going, I can do that? Yeah.

That's something I can do. Well, I'm definitely memorizing that one. I'm going to memorize all the spells of different use before. Yeah, sure. So hold on to your butts, folks. Yeah. It's going to get weird. None of that healing shit tonight.

Yeah, that's played out. Yeah, he's trying something new. That's old school. No more a huge, helpful heels from Clint McElroy. Hold on, Jesus Christ, the area of the storm consists of up to 10, 10 foot cubes, which you can arrange as you wish. Dad, what level spell did you use to kill small oats? Seven. Papa.

Papa. Wait a minute. And the scarecrow, the mean scarecrow. Okay. Hey. We're on the first level of the zigguride. Check it. Hey, everyone, make dexterity saving throw.

No. They do not. It's of his choice. Because I can arrange it in whatever shape I want with the 10 foot cube, so I'm arranging it to not hit myself, Magnuson Taco. You have created a monster in me. Yes. He has gained the power of literacy, and now is unstoppable.

You'll never bring him down now that he can read. Well, not just read. Comprehend. Okay. Here. Casting those seventh level spells are really dehydrate you. So here's what happens. Seventh level.

That kills gods, man. Yeah, dude. Thank you. There is heat and light that you all feel immediately. Classic fires. Is there maybe a smell of like burning? It smells great. It sounds like you're in a fucking Panera bread.

Yeah, sure. And just as quickly as it's just a flash oven that just goes and then is gone. And now you are all standing for maybe the third or fourth time in your adventuring careers, a blighted, burned hellscape of your own creation. Now, I assume the food's fine. Now, the food that Taco has put in his bag is fine. The raggedy-ass scarecrow got a crit on his save. So he is just like, what the fuck?

A crit, wait, a good crit or a bad crit? A good crit. He's like, this was my home. It's not much, but it's all I got. Did he kill the bad scarecrow that I hated? The other scarecrows are, they're not even. There is. anymore.

They will need to be identified via dental prints. Oh yeah, did he mention the teeth? They have huge distinguishable teeth. There is no wheat. There is no other ingredients that have survived the burning. There are also, like, about 10 oat sprites still sort of clinging on to the two of you that, like,

just like back off. Like, we're all, we're so sorry. Please, this is a cat. Grab them and put them in our bags. No! Yeah! Yes. Wheat.

We could grind them up and make bread. I'm going to need an animal handling check from the two of you to gather up as many oat sprites. I'm not complicit in this. Okay. Merle, I need an animal handling check from you. Animal handling. That would be an 11. Okay, I'll let you get a couple dinner size.

You need to, hmm, ethically. neutralize them. They will be sort of scrambling around and whatever sort of sack you've got. Okay. Do I have any gluten-based spells? Well, I just kind of take them in a tap-pop. Yeah, they just, as oats do, go limp,

and you gather up a couple of them. Magnus, you still have some on you? Are you just going to... Get away from here. It's not safe anymore. Thank you. Remember the day I see. saved you.

I never let's save you. They scamper. I'm not with him, by the way, if there's more of you somewhere, please don't be mad. As the smoke clears, you all see that a staircase has lifted up from, well, it was actually

there all along. You can see it now because you burned fucking everything else in this room. The stairway leads to a door in the sky. I'm going to take some of the just random robot arms for my back. from my bag.

I mean, I've always got some and just stick them into the scarecrow, give him legs and say, you get out of here to you, man. Be free. Wow, you gave me robot arm legs. Just what I've always wanted. Better than a stake, get out of here.

You're right, you're right. And then I go up the stairs. Okay. Oh, I get his email address so we can stand there. Sure, sure. You all reach the top of the stairs and upon cresting the top step,

they disappear behind you, Paul. I'll complete the next music cue. I think it's called tension music. Wow. Tense. It deposits you in another enormous outdoor scene. This one, however, I have written here is not as peaceful as the last. You're met with the smell of smoke and decay.

But... You didn't anticipate Dad losing his soul. Yeah. Somewhere. You stand on a hilltop overlooking a battlefield stretching between two great castles. Each fly a great. flag above a burning citadel, one sporting a proud and noble banana, the other a brilliant

green stalk of broccoli. And blanketing the battlefield are fruits, vegetables, and the rusted armaments they wielded in what appears to have been a terrible and costly war. Joining you on the hilltop upon which you stand is a single figure seated by a tent and a roaring fireplace. They look large and cylindrical, dressed in brown robes that obscure their appearance. As they sense you your arrival, they speak.

And they say, come and sit by the fire a spell. Okay. Yup. He gestures you towards the fireplace. He says, I do not know what brings you to this.

Do you have any cushions? Oh, yes. One moment. He stands up and goes in the tent and brings you three cushions. Where am I madness? Any marshmallows? No. Any food that you acquire.

here must be earned through combat. What the fuck? Even marshmallows? Even marshmallows. He pulls back his hood and you see that this figure is actually a sentient man-sized cucumber. Oh, I was so afraid you're going to say marshmallow, and I would have been so embarrassed. He says, so thine quest is the same as the others, I imagine. Oh, huh?

You collect ingredients. We need groceries, yeah, for sure. That is an insulting, the most insulting way that you could phrase that. Okay. But you did just say if I wanted food, I'd have to earn it. But I said it in a sort of ominous and sort of fantastic... You also said thine, and I wasn't going to mention it,

but if you're going to talk about the way we phrased things, grow up, man. I'm afraid that it is too late. Look around you. The fallen crusaders at our feet have become nourishment for the soil upon which they have died. Oh, I'll just get those. Yeah.

They're all spoiled and yucky. Convenient. I mean, not all of them, and I look at him real hard. I'm afraid, don't do, come on, man. Be cool, bro. There is no food or ingredients to be had here. And then you hear a voice from the tent say,

Forget not the reliquary. And the cucumber says, Ah, yes, of course, I. I am Sir Lawrence of the Vegetable Kingdom. And if it is fresh produce you seek, you must first provide for me fair compensation. What do you want? What does a cucumber want?

God, I've wondered that so many times in my life. when I'm high. Other than your hairbrush, obviously, or misplaced hairbrush. Friends, you are wise beyond your appearance. You see, me and my squire, we are the last of our people.

We seek not currency. We merely seek hope. We seek stories of worlds not blighted like our own, preferably featuring sentient fruits and vegetables as characters. We ask you for a veggie tale. And he gestures towards the tent

and says, Come, Sir Robert. And a large tomato rolls out of the tent and sits by the fire. I assume Robert is of the fruit kingdom. It's complicated. Culinarly, yes. Don't, don't be an asshole

about it. Well, have we got a tale for you? There was once a field of wheat. No. No, this is, nope, not this one. Two-gram.

This sounds like a tale of noble heroism and great sacrifice. One time a young asparagus faced off against the giants. Oh. Armed only with a spear. No, it was a sling. It's fucking David and Glad.

Do you not remember fucking vegetation? Aesparagus spear. That was what I was going for. I know, Dad, but okay, sorry. Do you three need a moment? Oh, wait, does mushrooms count? Because we did that once. Yes?

Merle started a whole religion on a mushroom planet. No. Heretic! Technically, I started a whole religion on mushrooms. It's a slight gray area. I am bored, Sir Lawrence, I know. Give them a chance. They seem convivial.

Are you guys like way into the Judeo-Christian God or what? We are way into stories of heroism and noble sacrifice featuring preferably scintiate fruits and vegetables. Why are you struggling? It seems like a pretty easy prompt. Let's see. Once upon a time. There was an apple.

Are you exquisite coerpsing this? Because actually I'm changing the parameters, and that's exactly what I want now. What's about the time? There was an apple. Farmer. Who, uh... No.

It has to be a sending a fruit of vessel. There was one. This is backstory, Travis. Is the apple, the farmer? It can't be, there can't be cute. Unless the apple farmer is like an umbrageen or something. Like, it has to be... No.

Did you hear that... He's a... farmer who's an apple. Thank you. He's an apple farmer. Once about a time there was an apple, comma, farmer. The tomato raises his hand.

Yes. Does he grow humans? Conco? And this apple farmer grew weed. And he loved the stuff and could he...

The apple farmer well, I don't need to to tell you one day he heard a voice in his head. And the voice said, The voice said, you know what? The government is only policing marijuana because of big tobacco and big pharma. And I don't know, man, maybe do your best and fly below the radar.

And then he... Gave him a wink and a secret smile. It gave who a wink in a secret smile? It's a voice, a mysterious voice. Okay, the voice winked. The voice winked and he said, What will you have of me, oh Lord? That's right.

Lord's perks up. Ah, here we go. This is my shit. And the Lord waved and in the leaves of the trees, he saw this message. If you build it, he will come. I'm sorry, if you build it, he will come.

Was that it? Yes, and the apple farmer was like, build what? It's right up against harvest season. 420 just passed, so it is pretty dead here, honestly. What do you want me to build? I got some free time. And the voice responded. A dispensary.

Cost efficient. Yes, you've got to do some integration. Right now you're providing product. You need to also sell the product, my man. What are you thinking? Supply and demand and business and stuff. It really feels like it's gotten away from them, Sir Lawrence. And from that day forward.

Yeah, a good transition. He was known as Johnny Appleweed. A critical head. Saved it. That's lucky, actually. I was about to turn it into the Matrix, so. Sir Lawrence looks at you and says, I'd actually like to hear that.

Yeah. That'll be on the DVD. They confer for a moment, and then they nod. And he says, bring out like the, you know, like the okay, the okay reliquary. Take it. Yes, okay. and they go, Sir Robert rolls into the tent

and brings out a small wooden but refrigerated box containing a very small selection of produce. You got your onions, your celery, and your garlic. Broccoli, gotta be. Sure, I'll give you a broccoli and an apple just because of the story. And they're alive and we have to kill them? They are...

Live it. Timmy. No, they are, and here's what's fucked up. They are, they have been sort of ritualistically, like, buried, and they are, they have faces, but they're, it's very respectful and peaceful. Okay. These were heroes to these people at one point. And consuming their flesh would be an honor to them.

Absolutely, it would be an honor. Great. Not weird at all. I wrote that down in my notes. Thank you, friends. we shall rebuild our kingdoms. Can we go? Our children's children.

I'm already going. We're done here, right? Okay, take her sleazy. I had some cheat codes for the next floor, but, oh, nope, too late. I didn't go anywhere. Nope, that's an escalator you're standing on. It's taking you up against your will. Once again, the escalator disappears as it carries you up,

and then you find yourself standing at the edge of a Coliseum. The walls are transparent, and the audience outside in the game show, Studio is cheering as they see you come up into the chamber. Three podium stand before you, each with a button featuring a different insignia. One, an adorable looking pig. The second, a simple blue fish. The third features what looks like a white box with a question mark on it. Mystery meat.

What do you do? Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig. Hmm. Why is everyone looking at me? You're the chef! I push the pig button. It clicks and breaks and falls over. I press the mystery button.

Ah! Yeah. Welcome to Railroad Kitchen. You press the button that has a white box of the question mark on it. And as you do, the question mark. Mark smudges and you realize it was actually just some dirt that got up on the button. And when that happens, I need all of you actually to make dexterity saving throw. Could we do a different kind of saving throw that I'm good at?

That was a nine. I got a four. Plus three, seven. Wow, wow, wow. Now what about a strength saving throw? I have a plus 10 to that. There will be time for that. That's a D12 dad just rolled with.

No, that's fun. Let's go ahead and crank out a D20 real quick, Matt. That's at 12 again. Trust me, Clinton. Got lots of low faces, big numbers. Did you roll anything higher than a 12? Because that would be the first clue, I'm wrong. 14.

Total? Yeah, I got no dexterity whatsoever, apparently. Oh, God, guys. There's a shadow that appears over you, and then a whistling noise, and then a sickening splorch noise. Oh, if it's Bible, man, I'm leaving. The three of you can't,

The three of you can't see what happened because it fell on you, but the audience can see as a gelatinous tofu cube, falls from the sky with a sickening plop, and engulfs the three of you. Now, wait, hold on. Okay, so the three of you are going to take... Not a good sign. Bad sign.

Okay, so the three of you are going to take 16 points of bludgeoning damage. Good Lord. Still not that much. It's great to be a tank. You don't need to brag about all your great hit points all the time. I'm just saying I'm beef. I know, but you're cutting the tension. You know what I mean?

Just saying, I thought he wanted to hurt me. We will go in order of dexterity saving throw for who goes next. Merle, you are engulfed in a giant cube of tofu. You can try and do stuff in here. You can't breathe. You can make a strength check to try and get out of the tofu, or you can make an action inside the tofu. Isn't this more fun than fighting a pig?

How about, um, could I start eating? And try to eat my way out of the cube. You absolutely can start eating your way out of the cube. Let me just look at my helpful reference sheet here to see how that would work. An eating check. Yeah, sure. It would be constitution for sure. a constitution, just a, not a saving throw, but a constitution just check.

Yeah. Straight up constitution. Oh, no, you know what? Maybe it's, I'll give you a choice. It's either a constitution check or survival. I had better go with the constitution check. Okay. Let's see what you got.

That is a 15 plus 2. That's 17. Okay. Describe this. don't get out of the space. You do make, you eat a large cavity of cube. And it's for you two, pretty weird. Uh, but he eats, I would say, a comfortable cavity inside of the tofu for the three of you to kind of be in together. Now, Griffin, let me ask you. Wait, man, I'm eating like, oh, okay, that's not exactly eating my way out. Well, your sense of direction is not the best.

Can I ask you a question? Seriously? Do you think in all our time together? Yeah. Magnus and Taco are in any way surprised by this behavior from Earl? No, not at all. That's what I'm doing. I think you were waiting for a cavity to appear around you inside of the sentient tofu cube as devoured by your small food. Thank you. Okay, great. Remind me, which of you, you got a four taco on your decks save?

Do you remember? It was not good. It was not, seven, what did you get? Nine. Nine. Thank you, everyone. You all should always be here. That's fantastic.

Magnus, you are now within the caverns. The tofu cavity. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Nom, nom, nom, yum, yum. Worst ASMR ever. It's time to toast this tofu. Okay. I'll draw the flaming, raging, poisoning,

sort of dim. Or, excuse me, the flaming, poisoning, raging sort of doom. Yes, please. Stop! No, wait. I'm gonna, okay. This is where we find out

if this is a dream or not. Tofu has its own despicable place in the kitchen. Please don't destroy it. No, I'm not. not, I'm just going to slice it in half. Okay, great. I want you to make, before this happens, I want you to make a slide of hand check.

You were inside a cavity inside of a tofu cube with two friends, and this is a 20-foot-long It is a 16 plus two and 18. That's your sleight of hand check? Yep. Okay, it's like, it takes you a while to just like get it without cutting your friends or burning them or killing you or killing them and killing everyone. You draw the flaming, raging, poison sort of doom. You all can see each other now inside the tofu hole.

Hey. Hey, where do you want to get lunch? Um, we could go to the tofu hole? No, no, I've heard bad things about the tofu hall. I'm not hungry. Uh, I'm going to attempt to slice it in half. Okay. Uh, make an attack roll against the tofu cube that you're engulfed within.

Uh, that is a 23 total. Oh, you don't have to show me. No, he really does. Yeah, I really do. Okay, suddenly the suffocating small of tofu and the actual suffocating tofu that is suffocating you is rent in half, and two seared tofu halves just kind of fall to the side,

leaving the three of you again on the arena floor. And then the two tofu halves sit back up. And now there's two sort of half tofu cubes that are going to... I use my second attack. Oh, yeah, that's right. That is a 28. Okay.

And then that is 28 points of damage as well. Okay, one of the other tofu cubes get cut in half. Now there's one half tofu cube. And I'll just make it easy for you. I use my third attack. Okay. That's an 18 total.

Yeah, that's going to hit this tofu. and then 32 damage Yeah, okay Yeah That tofu half It's like Okay

And it melts Taco I am going to cast Reduce Wait, okay wait There's two quarter tofus now Please do some fractions That's

Well okay I assume that I didn't You be quiet You be quiet There's a half You killed all my tofu I need this I killed it, but it's not like I turned it to ash.

Wait, was it sentient? Yeah. You can't. Oh, shit. Wait, hold on. Merle, Merle, Merle. Merle, Murl. Now is the constant.

Merle, Murl. More, Murl. Make another constitution saving throw, Murl, Murl. Daddy, make a constitution saving throw. This one's going to be digestive in nature. Oh, God. That's a 10. Okay.

You see Merle look like he's sick for a second, and then he stands up straight, and he's like, actually, I'm feeling just fine. Oh, no. Not again. I chopped Merle in half. Wait. Thank you.

Thank you. You all appreciate me when no one else does. Thank you. Yes, I did say not again. It was very funny. What do you want to do now? It's up to you. Two quarter tofu cubes and one apparently tofu possessed Merle.

Okay, that's not my problem. So I'm going to move on to the to... There's two quarter tofu cubes. Yes. How big are they? Waste high. Okay. I'm going to cast reduce on one of them.

Okay. And I'm going to put it in my bag. Okay. He's still blurping around in there. With the fruit and vegetable corpses and, yeah, and the oats and the moldy... What did you get? The bread rolls and crackers and moldy bread.

So you have that going for you. Okay. Well, that's my time. Hey, it seems like Merle has possessed my tofu. I don't know what you got planned. I don't have mad. Unless I can cut it out of him. I don't have anything to add here, Magic Man.

Are you the key master? Oh, boy. Oh, shit. Maybe if I hit him hard enough in the tummy, he'll throw up. Please, Marl, you have to fight. Please. You have to fight back against it. Cozer? Okay.

You have to fight back against it, Merle, some of your strength or whatever. Actually, okay, we're running over time. Merle, you feel the tofu inside you go, I actually don't want to be in here anymore. Well, you got two ways to go, pal. And I'm not going to do one of them on stage. Griffin, ask the Tovue, make a constitution saving throw to see which end of Merle.

That's a thing. three, so I don't know if that's good or bad. That's the back. Can we just say that there's a whistle that blows and Gorgon Ramsey leans down, he's like, oh, what's the, what's the, oh, you need to take a 10-2, a little bathroom break? Sure. Okay. Actually, I do. Yes. I'm glad you mentioned that. Well, then we'll pause production for just a moment while Merle goes backstage and deals with this, uh, this problem. I'll be honest, been doing this show for 200 years. Never seen this happen before. Never had a sentient bathroom break?

No, so we're going to, this will be delicate for both you and the sentient tofu. So we'll take a brief break during which the audience can go and maybe use the bathroom themselves. Or buy posters. Or buy some lovely posters outside. And we'll be back in a little bit. Does that sound good? Okay, sounds good to me. We'll be right back.

Hey, it's John Moe, host of Depresh Mode, a podcast about people's mental health journeys. Guess who we got it? Guess who? It's Jamie Lee Curtis. I look at life now as the game of Guess Who, which is simply the process of elimination. I know what I don't like. That's how I found out who I am. Jamie Lee Curtis on addiction, show business, and fooling people, all on Depress Mode for Maximum Fun, wherever you get your podcasts.

Well, Manolo, we have a show to promote. It's called After Game Show. It's a family-friendly podcast where listeners submit games and we play them with callers from around the world. Oh, sounds good. New episodes happen every other Wednesday on maximum fun.org. It's a fast and loose oasis of absurd, innocence, and naivete. Are you writing a poem? No, and just saying things from my memory. And it's a nice break from reality.

Is that, are we allowed to say that? I don't know. It sounds bad. It comes with a 100% happiness guarantee. It does not. come for the games and stay for the chaos. Thank you to all of you, holy shit, for coming. This has been so much fun.

Thank you to the Orpheum. Thank you to Paul and to Amanda and to Rachel. And to Storm. We never thank Storm for letting Paul come to the show. Yeah, thanks Storm for giving Paul time off. Giving us visitation. Thank you to our families who have traveled with us. Thank you to Minneapolis.

Minneapolis for doing it. so right. All right. I have, there's a, there's a, thank you to Zach Sterling, the posters. Thank you to Zach Sterling for these beautiful posters. Get them if they're still there. Okay. There's an encounter that we should skip for time, but I don't want to.

Merle Poops. And then we're on to the next encounter. Well, wait a minute, let's not just breeze through that. No, we are going to breeze right through that. You all enter an antechamber from the Coliseum, and it is musty and foul. It's a barn-like habitat with an enormous, Oh, no, this is where we'll use the bathroom.

There's an enormous mound of hay positioned, thanks, I forgot, on the back wall flanked by sconces. As you enter, the gate. He's pronounced scones. Sconeses. The gate to the arena slammed shut and something within the hay pile shifts its weight. As the mound collapses, you see the figure it was obfuscating. A 30-foot-long, black-and-white spotted dragon with long horns and swollen udders dangling from its abdomen. A neon sign illuminates behind it, flashing two words.

Procure dairy. You know what? I'm going to do a slight of hand check to milk that cow snake. Not the first time I've said that sentence. To milk that what? Cow snake. It's a cow dragon. Sure.

That's not as fun to say. Okay. It is to me, and it's more important that you know that this does dragon stuff too. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, I'm going to do it. Okay, sure. Didn't change your mind at all. I love it.

That's very, Magnus. It's an 11 plus 2. 13. Nah, man, nah man, nah man. I'm going to do it. Roll indomitable. Okay. What's that do?

Let's me re-roll and I have to use the second one. Okay, fun. Okay, 17 plus 2, a 19. I used up my one indomitable to milk the cow snake. Okay. I mean, you get, you get, I said what I said. You get a hand on that utter and the cow dragon looks down at you like, what are you fucking doing? Listen, you don't like it?

I don't like it. Look at the sign. With a, what did you get a 17? 19 total. Yeah, I mean, you. That was so clearly, I don't want this to be a success, but I can't justify. What are you collecting the stuff, the fluid, the milk? into.

The bucket they have there? Sure, yeah, there's a bucket. There would have to be a bucket. It would have to be ridiculous if there wasn't a bucket. Thank you, guys. Dumb, dumb, come on. Yeah, you start collecting dragon milk. Now, Taco and Merle.

This dragon doesn't love this. Looks down like, this is it. Now, in Sardu Valley, when I milk my cows, they love it. Yeah. It looks like it is confused. and maybe a little bit agitated.

What do you two do? What's wrong, big guy? Do you speak draconic? That's a good question. Do you speak cow? Common, dwarvish, elvish, no. Can I justify I learned draconic from Terry?

No. My best friend. No. Merlecast's animal friendship. Okay. I'm just Googling what animal friendship does. The animal lets you convince a beast you mean it, no harm. Yeah, okay.

It must succeed on a wisdom saving throw. Okay. That's an 11. That's not going to do it. No, that doesn't do it. You're a big boy. Okay, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is chill with you. Well, I need to, can I, may I talk to it?

No, but you can, it's not going to devour you immediately. Can I just an objection to say I just realized I chose to do side of hand instead of animal handling or something like that? Yeah, so you're like, doing some clungy up and doing it. The dragon was just an objection. I was like about to attack, I then looked down like, what? And I was already milking. It's okay. The cow dragon leans its head down toward you, Merle.

Oh, come on. Let us have milk. Magnus, you notice that the milk is melting through the bucket. Oh, acid milk. It's cow dragon milk, yes. Taco, what do you do? It's melting through the bucket Yeah, it is.

I wait, oh man, I got a lot of spells, but I only have dumb ones. That was once again just to follow up. Justin did say before we started, I'm only going to learn dumb spells. Yeah, I'm getting more into like preparing spells. Sure, sure. And I only prepare dumb ones. Trust me, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, you don't prepare spells, but thank you.

I do indeed. Okay. This was a mistake. I should have skipped this fucking encounter. Oh, you know what? Griffin? Yeah? I put it in the tankard of potent drink.

Okay. That I have. It is a magical, super rare item that I have. And therefore cannot be melted by dragon milk? That was my hope, yes. Okay, I'll allow it. But mostly because I want to get out of this scene. I know, that's why I said it.

You all collect the dragon milk inside the tree. And the dragon is glad it happened. Yeah, the dragon's like, well, thank you. And you make your way up a staircase. As you leave the room, the dragon shifts its weight, and some of the hay falls aside, and a refrigerator appears filled with all kinds of milk and butter. Damn it.

Jesus Christ, you guys. We've got to look around more. Why wouldn't we milk a dragon? You make your way to the top of the ziggurat, where waiting for you is a full kitchen filled with milk. Sound effect. Shining chrome appliances. All you could ever want from a kitchen.

Stove. Does it do the thing where the door slides into it? Oh, yeah. It's got that Great British Bake-off shape. Is there a cherry red kitchen-aid stand mixer? Yes, yes. With the paddle attachment? Yes, the paddle attachment is there.

And it is all ready for you to go. All the ingredients disappear from your bag and appear on a big table in front of the cooking station. There's fruits and vegetables. There's moldy bread and some crackers and some dead oats. Tofu? There's some tofu. Some sizzling, possibly an edible dragon milk.

Is that it? Yes, I think so. Wheat. Yes, some toasted wheat. Some toasted wheat. There's a sign hanging over the cooking station that lights up. This isn't your mother's... kitchen, so clean up the dishes to yourself.

The first thing that appears is a timer that says 30 minutes and seven seconds on it, and also a sign that says, cook. Begin. Okay, let me think. We don't have a lot of options. There's

moldy bread, vegetables and fruits. Tofu. We should have gotten a protein. Why did we get a protein? Tofu is a protein. Come on. Even the vegans are like, come on.

Okay. Oh, God, no. Oh, no. What's wrong with Taco? Flashback. Hey, Mr. Tucker, can I have some of the chicken, please? Sorry, what is this? What is this scene you're doing?

This is a flashback to Taco's last performance. When a tiny robot asks her chicken, I guess. Okay. And you're my assistant. No, this is a 45-year-old. man in the audience. Can I hear it again? Chicken, please.

Chicken please? Yeah, he's asking for the chicken you've cooked for him. I would, but I have nothing to hand it to you in. I have no vessels. I didn't bring any of my bowls. I know, I know. I have bread, but only the lowest

low-rent chefs would ever use bread as a bowl. As God is my witness. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever use an edible bread as a bowl. And that's when a deity appears to you. Hey, it's me Pan. It's a new era.

It's the Pan era. Whoa. It's time for you to us. All right. Man, on the dad joke, guy. This is the Pan era. I'm doing it. Okay.

I'm making bread bowls. You husk out the dirty parts of the bread to make delicious bread bowls. Merle and Magnus, you are sous chefs in this competition. What are you doing to these ingredients? I am going to take the apple. Yes. And the oats? Yes.

And make an apple cobbler. I'm going to make some poison cow butter to make a cobbler. Okay. Only one dish is required for you. This is just for me. Save me an oat. Okay, yeah, sure, you make a cobbler. Why the fuck?

Roll a, uh, fuck. Justin, what would you roll for cooking? Probably. Strength? Yeah, roll strength and then we'll act it out. I think it would probably be dexterity or history. No, this is good, roll strength. Oh, good.

The natural one, Griffin. Sometimes the dice tell the story. Yeah. Taco and Merle, you see him grab, sorry, sorry Taco, all the oats and the apple and just go, cobbler time, wreck it. Soon the set is covered in apple and oats. None of it is edible.

Merle, I'll say some of the dragon milk is still left over. Merle, what are you doing? Merle looks at the tofu and feels a certain, emptiness inside. Are we not going to have like appetizers or anything? One dish.

Don't get ambitious. You have very few ingredients now. Oh, do I? Yeah. Merle casts Heroes Feast. You had all the clues. Surrah. All right.

And makes those little chicken livers wrapped in bacon. Wait, what? That's not a thing, Dad. A feast fit for heroes appears on the table in front of you, and the audience goes completely silent. And then you hear a click, and there's a red light cast upon you now,

and when you look up, you see that the sign above you has changed. It no longer reads Cook. Now it reads Kill. And the light illuminates the pantheon. of shame, and three of the statues come to life, and in a flash appear atop the ziggurot in front of you, ready for battle. The first, I'll introduce them.

You see Gorgon Ramsey leaned down, and he says, oh, you didn't think it would be that easy, did you? A first combative. And you see a man with just sort of red hair and tentacles hanging down from his mouth, he says, Welcome to the arena. Bobby Mind Flame. I knew!

And then there's a burst of flame and a warlock with a robe of living fire appears in front of you. And he says, it's time for diners, drive-ins, and die.

It's Guy Fiery. And then there's a purple wisp. No. And appearing in front of you, Taco. No! Is a man with short, curly, dark hair, and two bandoliers filled with various spices.

And he shouts, let's incrementally increase the flavor. Bang! And Gorgon Ramsey says, it's ephemeral legacy. No! Roll initiative. 17.

22. Jesus. Yeah, right when I need it the most. All right. Your first up taco. Yeah. I just have so many spells, and if one of the people

who just hits things could go first, that would give me more time. Here's what I will say. You can also take a cooking action. You could delay your turn. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Cooking action. What do you think that means, Dad?

Why are you perplexed by those two words? There's 22 minutes left on the clock. I was just trying to throw a little pregnant apology. I want to search for a, an oat that is... Yeah, you got an oat. There's one oat that survived. He was still alive, and he was crawling. He was crawling away with one arm.

But then he dies of natural causes. And then he dies of natural causes. Okay, I cast polymorph from the dead oat. Okay. And I'm going to change him to a dead chicken. I mean, as long as you're polymorphing it, are you changing it into a dead cooked chicken of some sort? No, the cooked chicken is not a creature.

Okay, fine. A creature is chicken, but it's already dead, so you don't have to get all weird about it. We can all agree a dead oat is fine, right? So via the transitive property... You didn't have a problem with it when it was an oat. Okay, you have a dead chicken.

What are you doing to it? Uh, I'm... We'll say it's already been prepared for cooking and stuff, so we don't have to get even grosser. Okay. Uh, I am putting it in a pot with some of the vegetables. Okay. And cooking 101, baby.

Cook it, you got it. No, wait. Aramatics first. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oil. With a little bit of the cow butter. What?

The cow dragon butter. Butter? Yes. Oh, we turned it right. Okay, yes, I put a little bit of the dragon cow butter. Okay. He's the glorgon. You didn't let me finish the sentence.

In the trash can. No, you put your... You get all that sizzling up, and it's starting to smell aromatic. It's starting to smell pretty good. Make a dexterity saving throw. Just do a quick one of those, no big. That's a 20. Holy shit.

But you don't even have to look up because you can smell him coming. You smell the potent spices as ephemeral Lagassee floats up towards you and tries to throw a spray of spicy dust both into your face and into the pot that you are cooking, rendering it inedibly spicy. But you catch him just without looking. What happens in that moment of connection? I turn around and blow it in his face. And before it hits his face, he looks at you and nods.

You've... You've learned well. Bang. I'm trying to actually move on past that. You said it five minutes ago. Did he die from that? It's been an important... He floats away from the Ziggarado.

Hang. No hard feelings. Magnus doesn't know who either of the other two are. Okay. And so he's going to attack Bobby Mindflare. Okay, let's see. Let's have it. It's just Bobby Mindflay, but that's okay.

Whatever. Let's see. Flaming Rachel and Places are two. That is a 22. Okay. And that is... Those are some loud magic dice. 36 points of damage.

Okay. And then that's a 27. He's got a lot of franchisees that are relying on him. You realize that, right? What about all the Bobby's burgers? And then that's 27 points of damage. God Almighty. And then that's at 26.

I see Bobby Clay actually slowly walking out of the air. 34 points of damage. Is he dead? Is he dead? It matters. This is a challenge level 7 in a room. Okay, and then I'm going to take my action search. Should have just told him.

That's an 18. Yeah. Buckle up. That's 31 points of damage. If you could read the actions available to Bobby Monifle. He has one called 26, sorry.

He has one called extract brain. You don't want to find out what that does? I think we can get it from context clues. 32 points of damage. That's 17. Yeah. Yeah. How many is that?

A billion and 55. 31 boys of demons? He's dead. He's fucking dead. He died. I want to be clear to you. Magnus did that completely separated from emotion. Yeah, sure.

He, having been stabbed and cut and slashed and burned and poisoned a hundred times, takes a step back and he bumps into. Guy Fiery, and as he does, he is consumed in Guy Fiery's brilliant flames, as he triples in size and turns into a raging fire elemental.

He is next in the order, unless you have a seventh attack you'd like to make. Yes. How? Tell me what? No, I don't. You just want that to be true. Okay, he is

okay, let's see, Guy Fiery. What can Guy Fiery do? He is going to reach two flaming arms in the air. With one, he is going to touch you, Magnus. With the other, he is going to try and touch the workstation upon which the bread bowl and chicken and vegetables are being cooked. Magnus, first, attack is a 26 versus AC. That hits.

That is going to be, Oh boy 28 points of fire damage I'm going because I'm a defender Oh okay Will you allow me to use my reaction To take the hit if he tries to hit The kitchen

It'll be a critical hit Okay okay Hey listen when you're a tank You do that oh my God Jesus 65 points of fire damage? Thank you. I'm still up.

Okay, so he touches you with one flaming finger, and then you just get hit with fire, and you're like, whatever, that's a Tuesday for me. And then you leap in front of the other flaming finger before it touches the bread bowl, and you are immolated, and you land singed, but still awake. next in the order is Merle. And I, wait, to be fair, I laugh.

Okay. He's gonna action search. Because the fire has driven him insane. Yeah, yeah. Merle, you are up next. Merle cast Guardian of Faith. Okay. In the form of Giata de Laurentis.

Hell. Yes. Okay. And she turns to Bobby Mindflein. who is dead. She turns. Ephemeral Lagasse. She continues to turn past the corpse of Bobby Brinkley.

She turns again. This time she turns towards Emerald Lagasy. Ephemeral Lagassee, who's floating in the sky still scraping at his own face. And says, gosh, I really hadn't realized

Blobby Mindfly was gone. You say blobby? Blobby. If she wants to do something to his scorched, corpse. She falls on her guardian knees beside it and weeps bitter tears.

To what end? Well, because they know they won't have a second season of Bobby and Giata go to Italy. Okay. You see... Your turn's done. You see the corpse

sit up and a charred skull says, Hey, thanks. That will was pretty rough. So now he's on our side. Being cut and slashed and stabbed

and burned and poison and then burned again quite badly by my very good friend, Guy Fierry. Maybe it was that betrayal that hurt the very most. But no, actually, it was the seven attacks that I suffered at the hands of the big... Six!

My apologies, the six attacks. Thank you. I have decided to be a good guy now. And Giata says, I always knew you were a good guy, Bobby. My brain extracting days are behind me. To whatever aid I can help you with, you have my sword, and he holds up an arm

and it just falls off because it's so horribly burnt. He walks over to you, Taco, and he says, what do you need? Can you pass the soul? Sure. He spills a little bit on himself, and then he's like, ah! He hands you the salt. And he says, is that it?

I am celebrity chef, Bobby Mindflay. I can do a whole lot more stuff than that. And the pepper. He hands you the pepper. Now, cook this good. And I hand him some more bread to hollow out. I don't know. No, sear this off.

And I hand him the tofu. Okay, he starts searing off the tofu. Good. Good. Back to the top of the order is taco. Perfect. I'm going to cast a spell. Have you heard, oh, you've heard of spells.

I'm going to cast Conjure Elemental. Oh, shit. Yeah, I thought it could help me with, I thought it would be a funny way of like overzealously cooking. But now I'm going to use it for this, for the fight. Okay. Who's the elemental now? Guy fiery.

Yeah. I want you to meet my friend. And I summon a, I call. conjure a water elemental. This is wet freezer carrion. Say it again. Say it. Wet freezer carrier. Like Jeffrey Zakarian,

but I changed it to wet free zikarian. My other option was Stormy Motto. Chef Stormy Motto? Are you sure you don't want to do Chef Stormy Motto? Yes. Okay, I will sum it iron chef Stormy Moto. If you were reading

Wet Free Zekarian, it would have landed it for you, I promise. It's very good. in my head. What's Iron Chef Stormymodo is. Okay. Iron Chef Stormy Moto. What does Iron Chef Stormyoto look like?

What is this water? He looks like Morimoto, the human chef. Yeah, but it's wet. That is what he's called on the show. Will you face off against human chef Morimoto? No, no, no, no. So it's Chef Masuharamoramoto,

but he just got out of the shower. Yeah. And he's huge. He might just be sweaty. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wetter than that? Okay.

It's extremely wet. Are you looking at what the water elemental can do? Or is this up to me to... Yeah, you could just do it on your own. Okay, sure. I didn't know that was an option. And you want him to attack the fire elemental? Is that what I'm assuming?

Yes. Okay, roll... Wait. I'm not up on my... Is water... I know the opposites. Is fire hurt water or Earth hurt? One way to find out.

Roll a D20 as Iron Chef Stormy Motto slams one of his giant wet appendages into Guy Fiery. That is a 18. That is definitely a hit. Roll 3D8. Oh, man. Okay, 3D8 gets me 15. How much? 15? Okay, and now double that

30 points of 30 points for the two attacks and then double that again for the susceptibility that fire element takes out to water. Now, can you describe how the water elemental attacks? Guy Firing? No, yeah, he gets out a bottle of his delicious sake and he takes a knife in the other hand and he just punches him in the face.

Okay, Guy Fiery is still standing. Magnus. Magnus? Magnus of burnicides. Magnus. How much is he still standing? He is smaller now, but he is still a living thing. And he still looks mad at you and chef Stormymodo and the chicken and the bread bowl.

In that order. That's his threat list right now. Merle is not on it. Merle is at the bottom beneath the chicken and the breadball. So to recap, it goes, Magnus. taco, chef stormy Motto, some chicken, a bread bowl, and then

Murrell at the bottom of the threat list. Maybe he should let the tofu make the list. See who's the more dangerous. The tofu's threat list is Merle and that's the end of the list. The tofu knows things about

Merle. That no one should know. What? Someone's teeth be a lot. Yeah. Moving through them. Magnus. You know what?

I'm gonna attack him. Okay. Whoa. With a weapon. Yeah. And try to hit him. Okay. Okay.

Y'all like that. All right. Yeah. I'm going to use a rail splitter. 17. Okay. So actually it would be 18, 17, 16. All three of those hit.

Yay! Three, 14, and then 26 plus... Let's say eight. Plus 15, so 41 total. It's actually 20 points. He has resistance to all non-magical attacks. Yikes. Hey, Griffin.

Yeah. I'm just going by the rule. I don't make the rules. I didn't make up the guy. I didn't make up the guy. Next. Next. Just between us?

Yeah. What the fuck, man. Hey, if you had attacked, can I tell you this, though? If you had attacked him with flaming, raging poison, sort of doom, he has immunities to poison and fire. So, at least you got some damage on the board.

Yeah, but I was trying to be cool to you. Yeah. And then you embarrassed me in front of everyone. Can I be double damage? These people got to get home. They got babysitters. Go.

We only got four minutes and 39 seconds left. Next in the order is the fire elemental. He gives up and walks away. Guy Fiery, realizing that things are not going particularly well, he does a sort of flammability scan, and he does see a nice piece of tinder in front of him. It is the soulwood arm of Merle High Church. So ignoring his thread list,

he is going to try and burn. The only burnable thing he sees in sight, he is going to attack Merle High Church two times. Whoa. That is a Nat 20. Whoa. As a defender, I impose disadvantage on that attack.

That is a 24. You're welcome. What a lifesaver. That could have been so bad. Yeah. That is, oh, that's just seven points of fire damage for the first attack. The second attack is a Nat 20. I believe you're on your own.

How you doing over there, Merle? Good. Good, good, good. How's your Sudoku going? What's up? This is going to be 25 points of fire damage. Still up? I'm still up. Okay, good. I was a little worried, actually, for a second. Merle, your arms...

He didn't hear no bell, peppers. Your arm is on fire, my man. What do you do? It's your turn, Merle. Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants. Hey, just a quick reminder, your tank's down to like 15 points of help. Two minutes remaining. Okay. I am going to cast create water.

But instead of putting my own arm out, I'm going to create water around Guy Fiery. Okay. What's it look like? What is the shape of water? It is, I'm making it in the shape of a, big colander. Okay. With holes in it? No, no. You know what it is? It's one of those things where you cover the dish when you bring it up to serve dinner.

A close? You know, is that what it's called? A close? Yeah. And it's, I'm brimming it down on Guy Fiery's head. And I do it so hard that it splashes back on me and also puts my arm out. Yeah. We have a minute and seven seconds. An aquatic dome splashes over Guy Fiery, leaving nothing but steam in its wake.

and the sign clicks again and says cook. There's 56 seconds left on the clock. My dish is done, right? Is it? Yeah. Finishing touches. Plating! I'm plating it.

A squirt of a sauce! I fire the whole thrower and dump Merle's meal into it. Dump what? Merle's whole meal just goes right there. And then I put my breadball tofu right down in the middle of the table and raise my hands. And I eat my gross cobbler with the gluttons for it. I would put my terrible tofu up against it.

Merle's fake magic meal. Wait. I cast distort value seventh level on the food. I increase its value by half with the help of illusory touches and flourishes. Show me. What? Show me. Salonra.

Sorry, doubling, doubling the object's perceived value. A siren goes off and Gorgon Ramsey leans down. And he looks at tradition. He says, it's time for the judging. And he just kind of scoops it all up. This big pile of food with a tofu chicken bread bowl in the middle of it. And first he holds it up to his snakes. And his snakes all have some.

And then he shovels it. to his giant maw, and he closes his eyes. And he remembers. What? A time when he was just a wee lad, and he fell off his bike and scraped his knee. Yes. Gorgon!

And his, his mummy. Yeah. Scooped him up and said, Don't worry, dearie. Mommy will make your favorite tonight. Also, don't look in my eyes. Yeah. Obviously.

And that night, he sat down with a band-aid on his knee and ate his big food mess with a tofu bowl. It's a bread bowl with tofu, but go on. And a gross, gross burt cobbler that he hated. And a gross cobbler that he hated to be eating. And then he looks over, while eating his favorite meal and sees the charred corpse of celebrity chef Bobby Mind Flee

as a child and his eyes open and rays of light shoot out of his snakes. And he says that was absolutely disgustingly delicious. confetti and sparks and fireworks and fire and balloons starts shooting out of the Ziggarot in all directions. The noise is so loud

that in his Hollywood mansion celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey awakes from a dream. It was a dream! And he takes his headphones off and says, I've listened to Too Much Adventure Sound. Thank you,

everybody, for coming. This has been a blast. Goodbye, Minneapolis.