The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in New Orleans!

Episode Date: March 7, 2019

Join the original rowdy boys on a quest to hold off the apocalypse — again — by confronting a deity whose machinations are too sinister to truly behold. Or, maybe, he really just wants to throw a bangin’ party. One of the two. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Did you say Marty Gridler? I did. That sounds like a Denny's menu item. And he's dressed like a Denny's menu item. I think he looks amazing. Yeah, it was Dad. It was Clint the whole time. It was me the whole time.

Now, you're probably wondering, what is this new direction that Clint is taking Merle? Well. Well, my costume didn't arrive. Yes. And we don't want to throw initiate at the organization responsible for this U.S. Postal Service. But not, I should be clear, stamps.com, which is a fantastic provider of all your postal needs. It's like the post office without all the late packages. Yes.

You all ready? Hell yes. Are you all ready? Let's do it. Fucking crank it. So catch us up. No. So.

it's the apocalypse oh man we already beat it well it's a different one oh man must be Saturday there were there were a few

insistent soothsayers that nobody was really taking seriously for that exact reason we just beat the apocalypse what are the odds that's going to happen again as fate would have it the odds are quite good there have to be some hipsters though

who are like I've seen an apocalypse I was here for OG apocalypse Over the course of an evening, the laws of nature that sustained your world were seemingly revoked one by one. The seas stood still, then retreated. Every tree in the forest and flower in the field simply leaned over to the ground

as if settling in for a long nap. Wait, where did the seas go? Just somewhere. It went home. The moon, the real one, began shifting through its phases faster and faster like a strobe light, which was hell for all the werewolves in the realm. And in the morning, when you saw the sun plummeting out

of the sky, hurtling in your hapless planet's direction. That's when you knew those soothsayers were correct. The apocalypse is at your doorstep. What do you do? I'm going to roll the stop it. Okay. That's a seven plus... Um...

Charm? Charm? It came... You came pretty close. The sun saw you and went, I don't... Nah, I'm still going to keep. So, unfortunately, Taco has failed. I say we hop on the Starblaster and get the...

fuck out. We'll try again. Been here before. We're out. And I say we party. All right. You know what? I was about to give a shit, but that is what I do.

Like, all right, I've been saving this extra powerful booze. 5,000 party points. Time to burn all those spell slots on pyrotechnics. What are we doing when we notice this happens? I would probably like call for Istis. Okay.

What were we doing when we noticed this happen? Magnus is calling for Istis. Isstis! He is hollering up for Istis, the goddess of faith for the people on stage who don't remember who Istis is. And just as the heat and the light of the oncoming sun become too horrible to bear, there is a long strand of yarn that entwines all of you, and then the light just takes over everything that you can see. And when the light fades, you are not wherever you were when you were watching the

the apocalypse come. You are standing in front of a large but still pretty quaint cottage in the middle of a large, beautiful field. The sun is high in the sky, just floating in this gorgeous blue sky. And if you didn't know anybody better, you would swear, you would swear this was heaven. The door to the cottage swings open and outsteps Istis, goddess of fate. And she says, what's up? The Apocalypse? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, you were hollering for me.

That's, yes, I'm caught up now. So how's it hanging? Well, pretty bad. I mean, um, apocalypse. Yeah, yeah, sorry, I literally forgot from the three seconds ago. Don't worry. That, I'll be straight with you all.

That one's on us. y-oh, SpaghettiOs. The whole fabric reality coming undone thing, that's not a big problem. It's just that the gods have abandoned you all.

Just like temporarily, not intentionally. That's why I said, y'oh. Spaghettios. Spaghettios, yeah. And she takes a moment to wince and kind of like rub her temples. She says, okay, so I was having a casual party over here, It was more like a chill hang sesh between a few buds here in the celestial plane, wine and cheese, that sort of deal.

And then at some point in the night, it did get a little out of hand. That's when you look around the yard that you're standing in and you realize that it's a fucking mess. Just solo cups everywhere. Solo cups are, I said solo chalices are laying everywhere. There's empty bottles, some discarded clothes here and there. In the bushes outside her house, you see what appears to be just like a dude passed out in the bushes. And she explains, okay, so we had an uninvited guest show up. And the hang sesh got way rowdier than is responsible.

Yeah, so that's, again, the whole guys, whoopsie, yo, I can't say it enough. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yeah, yeah. Please, yeah. Okay, well, get back to work? Here's the problem. It's tough. Boom, pooh, pooh, boop-p-p-mo. It's tough.

Okay, so the God who showed up, and it got kind of tasey, there was, okay, so there's gods for everything up here, right? God of fate, there's a God of weather. God of dogs? God a dog, sun god, moon God. There's a dairy god. the one who showed up and turned the heat up, if you will, was the god of parties. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but how did you not expect him to show up? Yeah.

He did an RSVP on the G-Cal invite. G-Cal stands for God calendar. That's what we use up here. Merle, you're a man of the faith. Surely you know about the god of parties. Oh, yeah. He's cosplaying as him. It's either

Larry. Wait, wait, wait. Who's this? Who's this? Who's this that's talking? Well, that was me talking. Okay, so Clint is in the celestial plane. Why does this keep happening?

In this plane, there is a god. So Clint McClain is a god walker. Clint is a god and he's walking past. I think we've established I'm, I walk the plane. No, you have not established your celestial nature. and now I have to give you a godhood and it's the god that's too complicated because that would make you the son of god well not far off okay so it's time you reveal ourselves so let's ret retcon Clint gives us a hearty wave and then Merle tumbles up to next to us and we realize we never see dad and Merle in the same place

and then and then Merle says it's either Larry do not applaud him for doing the base level of effort. You people paid a lot of money to be here, and this is the least he could do, for the no money that we give him to be here. Or Bacchus. Is it Bacchus? Did I get that? Jim Bacchus.

It was, but then the position was recently given to Reggie Fitzpatrick. Never heard of her. Yeah, that's a new one on me. You know what I mean. God of parties, Reggie Fitzpatrick. You didn't learn about this in God's school? I missed the last semester.

Legend goes, Reggie threw a shindig so badass that when he regained consciousness the next day he found himself here in the celestial plane and was granted a realm of his own to govern as the divine champion of all parties. Excuse me? Sidebar. Does that go for pretty much anything? Like, if I do yo-yo's so good, could I black out and wake up as the yo-yo god?

I'd like to see you do tricks better than jo-yo, the current... That's a good pole. Nice. It's his name. I don't... No, it's nice. Good, Joe-yo, nice. What about the frozen yogurt god?

Froyo Joe. Pro-yo. So anyway... What about the god of low-flow toilets? Low-flow Joe. Legend says Reggie Fitzpatrick through such a righteous party that he himself became righteousness. Anyway, Reggie showed up last night. The whole thing got a little too wild, and everyone here is more hungover than any being immortal or otherwise has ever been anywhere ever in all of existence.

Thing is, gods can't get hangovers. Technically speaking, we can't get drunk. There was some sort of ritual or curse that Reggie. did on us that just got us totally shadracked. So I need you all to go up to Reggie's realm find out what happened at the party last night that has left the whole pantheon

in such a sorry state. Did you... Do you erp? A little irp there? I would go to Reggie's realm myself and make inquiries, but first off I need to go barf forever. And second off, gods aren't allowed to confront other gods here in the celestial plane, it's forbidden. Okay.

You should try a little hair of the cerebus. I don't Oh okay Before Before Before she goes I'm going to make an Arcana check

Okay To see if I can pick up any other Sort of like I don't know Yeah I have a plus six so Yeah hit it That's two Nope don't see nothing

Hey Hey y'all She's sick I'm gonna Roll a carpenty check Real quick I'm just real quick I'm just real quick

I'm just real quick To carve her A waist basket to throw up in. Okay. It's a 19. That's pretty good. If you're going to spew,

spew into this. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. And I'm going to investigate a mystery. Wrong game, Mac. Wrong game. Wrong game. Take that back to Chicago.

Back to Chicago. Sorry. She says, oh, God, before you go, one problem. No, you're the God. Yeah, me. Oh, me. Oh, me.

One problem, Merle, all your powers are inherited from your devotion to your chosen deity, and he's having himself a rough mourning, too. And with that, the figure that was laying in the bushes pops up, and you see it's pan. And he rubs his eyes, and he stumbles over in your direction with some twigs and some leaves sticking out of his hair. How do you tell the difference between twigs that are supposed to be there and twigs that aren't? It's a good point. Merle, you wouldn't know. He's got extra twigs.

And he walks up to the three of you and he gives you a solemn nod and he says, I believe I have thrown up on the tapestry of fate. That explains a lot. And this is kind of... About 2016 on.

And... You got there. It's good. Isstis looks very disappointed for a moment. And she says, Merle, if you want to use any of your cleric abilities, your link with

Pan is going to have to be a bit more tangible than usual. Keep him close. Find out what Reggie did to make us party so hard that all of our bones hurt and find a way to fix it. Okay. That's Pan. Come on. And he hops on your back.

Come on. Come on, little buddy. Merle Chai hurts my man. We have spent the last couple days in New Orleans, so Griffin is cosplaying us himself at this point. Travis is doing what we like to call kidding on the square a little bit. So the three of you follow a very groggy pan who leads you out of Istis' realm. But it takes like three tries?

No, no, no, wait. Come this way. The magic words. And out into the celestial nexus, which connects all of the different domains that each God calls home. You see dozens of these bridges all stemming out from a central cloud platform at the end of each one. You see disparate biomes. At the end of one, a world of fire and lava. At the end of another, an undersea castle.

At another, a blood-soaked battlefield, at another, a mighty forge. And despite the size and infrastructural complexity of this place, it is completely empty. This space, this plane of the gods, is completely silent, save for one domain at the end of a bridge you are currently crossing. At the end of this bridge, you see an enormous golden fence that stretches upward into eternity. At its center, in front of where the bridge terminates, you see a diamond-encrusted gate flanked by two floodlights shining upward into,

to it, immediately adjacent to that is a booth staffed by an enormous Minotaur. And extending far, far into the distance is a line of deities and demigods and other celestial beings all waiting for entry beyond the gate. And as you approach, you hear the sound of muffled, distant, pulsating, powerful electronic music and shouts in unison alongside it. Could you make some of that music for yourself? Well, it's muffled, so... And the Minneton. Antar looks up from a book he was reading and he says,

Line starts back there, fellas. I'd bring a magazine because it's going to be a bit. I hand him infinite money that we earn from saving all the universes. Nope. Got no need for money. I got the sweetest job in the world. Just me and my stories. What's your gig?

I watch the gate. Watch the gate to keep out gods? Yeah, and if they are a good, little rowdy, I do this cool thing, or I throw them at the ground so hard, they bounce. So I just went ahead and started calling myself a bouncer. What do you think of that?

I'm cool with it. Yeah, it's good. So you just beat up the gods? Yep. You must be like so wicked strong, right? That's a good audio one. That's good. Sorry, sorry.

I reference my pecs. also our dad is wearing a purple and yellow suit just to call back so you know there's green in it too green in it too green is the predominant in diamonds it really makes his eyes pop

sure his purple and yellow eyes well what if I outstronged you oh come on I'm pretty strong I bowed oh god it's the ground and they're so hard that they bounce for me.

Yeah, but I'm pretty strong. Why don't you just line up like everyone else? It's just gonna be a couple of eons. Who else was it? What was that role? That was a nine. Okay. But?

No, there's a 26 on my- Plus an eight. Okay, you are bounced to the ground. Then I try again. Okay, you are actually bounced all the way across the bridge and the rest of you stand there uncomfortably while Magnus walks all the way back. You bounced off a cloud,

so take 18 points of bludgeoning cloud That's fine. That's fine. Cloud. It's a cumulonimbus. The thickest cloud there is. Most dangerous of clouds. So, what...

Again. No, stop. Two. I got a 31 that time. You... Fucking Isis is like scrubbing the tapestry of fate and you come smashing through her window. How's it going?

Not great. Cool. Go ahead. So what if we were... to give you a god that you could play with all the time, to bounce around and smack around and do whatever you wanted to do. Are you going to kill Pan? He's a god.

You were just, no joke, 30 seconds ago, explicitly told to keep him near you. So that you're a power has worked. Yeah, I don't know what we do without that spell casting of all this. This is, thank you. Thank you, Griffin, I do want to thank you. for that, which I assume was intentional just to set me up for that joke. I've been waiting to deploy until that exact moment.

Yeah, and with that, Pan disappears. Now that Justin's joke is, no, Pan's still there. Hey, I'll tell you what. The Manitur says, I'm not one of the Monstars. I don't want to just dribble a dude around all day. It's my job. Let me try this. Yep.

You like bouncing gods, right? Again, I like reading books, and I like the sound of rain. against the roof of my booth. But you like your job? Yeah. What if all the gods went away and you didn't have your job anymore? Yeah.

That'd be a bummer, right? It'd be pretty bad. Well, if you don't let us through, there will be an apocalypse and all the gods will die and you won't have a job anymore. Well, there will be other worse things than that if the apocalypse occurs.

Like, you'll be dead also because it's like the apocalypse. Okay, that's a fair point as well. And no more books. All your favorite shows will be canceled. All your house plans will die. the banks will be closed all the time and you'll be dead. Yeah.

So four terrible things. I mean, we've written out a couple apocalypse. What is it? Bad times. We've written out some bad times up here. Yeah, we stopped most of them. That was you guys? That was us. This is Taco from TV.

So... This is Magnus Sideburns. No. No. So close. Listen, I'll be honest, I vaguely remember hearing about that. It's so loud. I attack him again. No, come on.

It's not going on. No, I don't. It's so loud here. I only, I caught bits and pieces, something about a magic jellyfish. Yeah, that's the only thing that matters. So can I go past me? Roll a persuasion check, Taco, and Magnus. You all were both sort of making the case together. Oh, Justin's dice is flashing.

Yeah, it's a 20. Thank God. He says, you know what, as much as I would like more time to read my special books. There would have been time now. If they all get blown up in the apocalypse, well, that's not great. So go on through. And he presses a button underneath his booth and the diamond gate swings open. Be safe. Be smart.

Hey, look at me. Be safe. Be smart. So we solved your literate minotor puzzle. All most minotors are literate. hateful. Why is everyone saying minotaur? What's that? Because otherwise

it's your ator. That wasn't, don't laugh at that. Yeah. You all... I didn't deserve that. I know when a joke is good. Apparently not. I don't. No, you don't. As you all walk through the Mantir looks at Pan says, Hey, Pan, and Pan says, what's up, Jerry?

And you all walk through the gate. And as you do, this enormous crystalline column extends down from a cloud platform above you. It hits the ground with a quiet poof. And then the side of the column facing you slides open. It's a heaven crystal elevator, my greatest creation to date. Now, Griffin, because this is a party king, I assume there's been some drink service between getting through the gate and getting through the elevator.

Not yet. Which makes you think something's gone terribly wrong in the heaven party kingdom. You all rise far above the nexus and then pass for a minute through this cloud platform. The whole time this techno music is just getting loud. And then... Is that the girl from Epinema? Yeah, it's good. It's good. It's good. And then, there it is.

A massive, neon streaked, spotlet, towering complex, bearing the name of Reggie's Sacred Domain. Reggie Town. So what time last night did you write that one? And then the story gets weird. It was a weird night. And all kinds of weird things. And there were bad monsters, like loud neighbors.

Ten skeletons come out. Time to get on. Is that anything? You're joking. Here's the next sentence. You're awestruck by the gaudiness of this building. And then you realize that before you are two gigantic velvet-covered doors, guarded by an even,

bigger minotaur with an even bigger line of people waiting to get in. I'm so tired. I need to eat for a king cake for fuel. Pause the adventure. Everybody picture a number in your mind and that number represents

how many kingcakes you think we have backstage because we're fuck-ups. It's five. Not anymore. Uh-oh. Dad pooped the king-cake and now it's six. Dad gave birth to a king keg.

So tell me more about the gaudiness of this building. And the second exact same puzzle we need to solve. Hey, hey, cool it. Mine was a joke. The minotaur's way bigger this time. We just walk under it. See, because gaudiness. Oh, I get you.

That's nothing. No. Shut up, Paul. Tell me me come offstage. This minotars... It doesn't need to bellow his life. laughter at me. Oh, that's a good one,

nothing. This even bigger minotaur says, back of the line. What? What? Back of the line. Okay. Where are you keeping us from?

Resrytown. I bet, so it's so cool, I bet you couldn't even go in if you wanted to. Too big. Why are you, show, show. Cool, my dear, it's probably hard to get in. Yeah. Are you too lame that you can't walk?

That's fine. Listen, some people are too lame. It's all right. One of the people in line says, Leave him alone. Get the back of the line. I push that person off the bridge. If this guy is so cool,

I want to see him go through the gate if he's so cool. Roll a mean check. It's a 17 plus persuasion. 17. Okay. Yeah. He tries to get through the door.

He just can't do it. He's such a big minotaur. We walk under his legs through the door. Roll a stealth check everyone. Oh, okay. I rolled a 12 plus, let me check my... The only half rogue in the group.

22. You're good. You can get through there. Try again. Here, let me... I can transmit some of the gate into like water or something so you get through.

Are you going to make them smaller? Do you have an in small in small? Yeah, make him smallified. Hold on, I have magic powers. One sec. I open... I'm already on the other side. I opened a comically large spellbook and sit on the ground.

One sec. Hold on. I have magic powers. One sec. Merle is going to sneak in as well. Okay. Let's get that. I bet he's stealthy.

13 plus stealth. Also packed in that box list, his knowledge of D&D. Yeah. 16. Yeah, 16 works. Really? He's a big...

He's the biggest boy. All dad was missing this whole time was my dice. He's the biggest boy, and you're a little... I'm a little tiny little... And you get right in there. Taco. I'm going to cast

in large slash reduce, but the reduced part. Oh, okay. He's going to cast reduce slash reuse slash recycle. Okay. 14 plus my spellcasting modifier, which is five. Yeah, that hits Big Boy, any stat. All right, now you can go through. Go, enjoy your party.

How little did you make him? What are the parameters of this? You only shrink them down one size. So he's now a junior petite. Instead of being big, he's, okay. It sizes halved in all dimensions. Okay, he is now about the size of the first Minotaur that you came across. and he makes it through the door

and he says, I never throw it on her and see the day. And I pull out the wand of Switcheroo and I I use it on it. My thing was going to be so good. I don't know why he couldn't get through the gate. I had a whole thing and they couldn't get through the gate.

Anyway, one of Switcheroo, it's 16 and, oh, no, sorry. It is a DC Constitution, D.C. 17, Constitution, I rolled a critical failure. Okay. He switches back to Earth. that undramatic, I could have just like pushed him out of the way

at that point. With a critical failure you all switch places now you're inside the club and he says, hey, wait a minute. And then the doors I think automatically

swing shut but as they do you see him fall through the clouds. But then that concerned party in line grabs his hand at the last second. A new friendship is forged.

It's Elvis. He's been dead the whole time. You step foot into Reggie Town, and boys, it has everything. It's unlike any party you've ever attended, which might have certain hospitalities or fun activity centers, all built around a certain

cause or theme. In Reggie Town, there doesn't appear to be much cohesion, or perhaps the design is far more complex than your minds can possibly conceive of. There's a dance floor, of course, although it's more like a dance pit, surrounded by speakers, a technicolor LED floor pulsating below.

That sounds terrible. There's a booth with two more. robot mask to DJs, mixing music using this giant golden boom box above. It's basically deaf punk. There is every food. All food, imaginable. Fondues, chocolates, champagne, and

various other edible and potable liquids. Liquid sandwiches are emitted from a massive fountain around a dining station. Just one fountain, all with different flavors branching off in discrete streams. I got so excited when I thought of that. As you're distracted by that,

a Pegasus rides by with two cheering partygoers on its back. It's actually, it's a retcon, it's Garol, and he's like, Hey! You made it. And then he takes off. There are private booths suspended on platinum chains from the ceiling. Inside them, you see people playing Twister, one where people are hookahing it up,

one where there's people doing karaoke. And all around the perimeter of the room, there's a little satellite party splintering off the main, one. And even those satellite parties are bigger and cooler than any party you've ever attended. There's a 4th of July pool party. There's a kid birthday party complete with clown. There's even a wake, and it's

popping off too. That's the best line Griffin has ever written in the Adventure Zone hands down. But it's sad, too, because you can tell this show has become the tortured fantasies of dads. And I bet other parties

are happening in other places. And everyone's having a great time, but they wish you were there. And they're like, where's my friend Griffin? I've sure been to him ever since he had a kid. I just would love to see a wake where someone's like, listen, it's really sad about Jim, but this is a fucking great party. I'm kind of glad Jim Dodd. Yeah.

The black eyed peas are here. And suddenly inches away from you, a circular bar just appears. And the bartender who is handsome, just a handsome, rugged angel, wipes the counter with a rag, and then eyes the four of you over, and he says, you four look like you've had a hard day.

Fancy a drink? Yes? No. Yeah. He goes over to this golden keg and taps it and pours a beverage. He says it's Reggie's favorite. He calls it Broja. It's one part,

God nectar, part, Grenadine two parts, Mickelope Ultra. Ooh. It is the apocalypse. He puts it on the bar and slides it towards you, Taco. Yes. Okay.

Good, yes. Drink. It tastes about how you think of a good taste. Hell yeah, good as hell, right? Good as hell and pretty locale. Thanks, Nicolove Ultra. Magnus doesn't drink. Okay. That's Magnus's choice.

Yeah. So what brings you all to Reggie Town. You are looking for anything in particular? You need any glow sticks? Any lobster tails? What do you mean? Yes. Okay. He hands you... I would like a glowing lobster tail, boom, he has it. And suddenly out of the back of Magnus comes a glowing lobster tail. Whoa. That's how I do it. What's the, what's your, what's your, first off, what's your handle partner? Staven. Staven? Yep. Wow. Hey, Staven, what do you think about the new boss? You're talking about Reggie Fitzpatrick?

Hell yeah, I'm full. To be honest, between friends. Uh-huh. Doesn't come around very much. Yeah. That can be a good thing. Absentee boss, good. Yeah, but he'll know if something goes.

Have you ever met him? A couple times. Listen, what you've got to understand about Reggie? He only shows up when the party is wild enough. If you want to see him tonight, this party's really got to pop off right now. It's about a five, but I'm afraid. I don't think it's going to hit a 10 if you wanted to see Reggie. tonight. We needed a party.

Well, I hope it gets better. Can we just sit here? Sure. All right. Is it getting... Was this... It's about a 4.5 now. Oh, it's gone down. Having five just sort of

strangers standing around a bar and not saying anything, it's kind of reduced to the ambiance a little bit. Okay, Magnus pulls out a magical tone of far speech that he has that he's never used. Oh, come on. And he calls LMFAO. They're broken up, they can't come.

Oh, no. They said, we broke up. Stop calling. It's not going to happen, Magnus. But you do have a two-way line, so you can't get the two of them talking, apparently. Yeah, no, no. Hey, have you guys just tried talking about it? I've got one for Andre 3000 and Big Boy. Okay.

Hey, I don't need you two to come stop the apocalypse, but I would like you to work it out. Merle takes off his shirt to show his California tattoos. Two over its belly. Topical. Some topical humor from Clint McElroy. Roll just sort of a charisma check, Merle. I'll give you advantage on this one, because it's you.

A charisma check. Okay. That's a three plus one. Yeah. So that tattoo looks really nasty. All these angels on the dance floor, is just kind of like bumping to the music.

They all just like turn and look at you while still kind of bumping. And then they like get off rhythm a little bit. And then those two DJs like, do something behind this golden boom box. And it gets a little bit louder and more powerful and everybody gets going again. So it dropped down to like a three. Yeah. But it got brought up sort of to a neutral five. Okay.

I would like to call. Yes. All my jellyfish friends. Who is in like another. Okay. But they know all the music. Okay. We're on the astro plane.

No, celestial plane. Listen, it's complicated. There's a lot of planes. Then that one's on me. I'll own that. I would like to call my jellyfish friends who know that intermission is coming up. Okay, sure.

That's a knot 20. Okay. Floating through space, the two voidfishes are flying around. By the way, sorry if this is your first episode. All right, listen, there are these things called voidfish. And they can sing to everyone. And they do so.

What song is played that kind of overrides Party rock anthem. Okay, so it is. Here's what happens. Everybody on the dance floor, suddenly starts to go even wilder, and you see the two DJs look at each other, like, and they're dancing to a different rhythm,

a different beat, this music that's flooding everybody's minds. And in response to DJs, crank it up even more, hell yeah, amp for amp against the voidfish. Turning the party up to a seven. I go over to, I stand above where they're all partying, and I pull out my anti-gravity sphere. and throw it down at the dance floor. Yeah, with that, I think people get scared

when you hover above them and then just sort of throw a big ball down at them. There's not much space for a ball to land safely. It definitely hits a couple angels. But listen, it's necessary losses. You can't have a float party without killing a couple. It has a shatter for the party to kick off. And it does.

You hear some protest against the stricken angels. Perhaps struck was the word I should have gone with there. But then, following that, all the angels are just floating around in this cool ore. Loving it. And the two DJs are cranking it. They're just like pump the music to that.

And then each like reverberation coming from these speakers since like shock waves through this dancing sphere of angels is the coolest you've ever seen. And with that, a beam of light shoots down from the ceiling. And a figure begins to descend. It's a large spray-tanned man. His sunglasses are pushed up to rest on his forehead. And he's wearing a windbreaker suit of the most fantastical colors.

He finds his way down. in a T-pose, making a perfect, gentle landing on the heels of his sneakers, and the crowd and his floating orb looks down, I guess, at him with reverence, and he shouts, Beast be with you! Hey! Let's get it going! Oh shit, is that pan? Animal!

The shit he does down there, the trees and dirt and all that shit? It's so good, but last night, this god proved he's an awesome god if you know what I'm talking about! Hi, Reggie. Hey! Time to go to the chill-out tent. don't exist up here, it's Reggie Town. We got a

hot up tent and then a hot up tent appears and he's like, what do you think about that? Hey, um, bad news, fellas. I'm staying here. I've had to add in Reggie's best friend and Shaw rules shows up. Let me ask you this.

We're looking for investors for Reggie Town. Why do we want to go back to the real world? No, wait. What? This is so awesome. Yes! The real world is where all my stuff is. What's going on? Wait, well, you find you...

You don't look like you're at a party, so like... We need a hangover cure? A what? No, I want to leave Griffin frozen in this gargoyl-esque. Uh... What? One more. No, one more. What did you just say?

We want you to fix the gods, so they'll get back to work. I don't know what you're talking about. about. They're all real hungover. That's not possible. God's can't get drunk. They're not going to be hungover. I don't understand. You showed up to a party at Istises. Yeah. Check.

And you got gods. And my entourage. Okay. So Turtle got all the gods sick, I guess. I don't know. But the gods are hungover, Reggie. You partied too hard. What the fuck did you just say to me? As Grimman changes his glasses.

As you say that, there's like a dubstep drop in the music. And with that, all of the angels in this like dance orb suddenly turned towards you, almost in like response to the drop. And now all their eyes like glow red. Magnus steps back from Taka. And they're staring in your direction. Their faces actually look like, their faces look like they're cracking with this like red light behind them. And now they're all sort of like dancing in formation to this music.

To this music. to this music. I almost leaned back, but... It's all coming from this music that's just pulsating out of this golden boombox and the orb starts undulating towards you. Reggie says, did you just say,

undulate? Did you just say I over-partied? Reggie, I got one question for you. Yeah. Are you taking applications? I think that I could fit in with your org pretty nicely. I'm having a hard time getting a beat on you.

And as he says that, the angels consume him and pull him into the mass of floating dance angels. And then you see Reggie just get flung backwards and into the bottles up against the bar that Staven was working at. And you hear him go, what the fuck? As he goes smashing through. And then you can tell, like, the music is almost like

the beats of the music, the angels are turning towards you with each beat of the music and moving towards you. Don't blink. Turns out he was... Dude. Wait, hold on. Let's go for the second joke.

Turns out he was just a slob like one of us. And can I try one now? Yeah, sure. Well, it looks like the rhythm was going to get him. Okay. Let's fucking roll for initiative. 19 plus 2, 21. Okay.

13 plus 2, that's 15, but I get... Yes. Yeah, let's just stick with a 15. Justin? 16. Okay. First in the order is Magnus. Magnus, you have these two robot DJs.

Did you forget about intermission? Because that's what I'm going to eat dinner. We're good. I'm a hungry boy. I rolled on my pizza's getting cold backstage. The music is pulsating out of this golden jukebox. Not golden jukebox. That'd be wild.

It's a golden boom box that these DJs are controlling. That's much more timely. To the beats of the music, the angel orb, which is going to be weird. Looks like we got ourselves a dance. is coming towards you. Magnus, you are up. What do you do? I dance. Okay. Harder than I've ever danced before. Okay.

I roll the 36. Oh, boy. Nope. Would that be a 105? Plus strength. For dancing? For dancing? I'm dancing really hard.

You don't seem to be dancing to the beat of the music, and that seems to piss the angels off, and it has no other effect. Next in the order is Taco. We're fighting them? It seems that they want to fight you. I don't want to fight them. I'm good. I'm looking for it.

Like, I wish I had dressed a little nicer. I want to impress a little bit. Okay. Taco skips his turn. Merle. Merle, does a 24 beat your AC? Yes, almost certainly it does. Yeah?

The dance orb moves towards you and grasping hands pull you inside, and now you're inside this just mass, this floating mosh pit of angels. I bet that looks pretty damn good with this suit on. If they could see you, it would. You take 28

you take 28 bludgeoning damage as you are moshed against by these angels. And with that... Oh, now we stop. No, with not again. The boombox gets pumped up even louder as it sees Merle sort of consumed

by this orb, and with that the angels look towards the other two people not consumed yet, and they look so bad guys. Taco, you're back up. There are no, magnetism back up. I use the grappling hook to pull Merle out. Okay.

You succeed. I don't know how we would roll it to satisfy that. No, it happens. Okay. Yeah, you pull Marl out. Merle, how was it in there? It was kind of cool. No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know how you young people talk. It was rad. It was Yolo. And then... Sure. That can be a bonus action. Well, I get like 18 attacks. Okay. Then I reach behind the bar

and grab, like, the nozzle that sprays water. Okay. And I'm just going to try to hose them down. Okay. Just try to... And let's say something like, hey, cool out. All right, cool. Hit it. Not 20.

Shit, okay. Okay, with that, you spray some of the angels down, and it's way more powerful. I think the power of Broja is just so much more potent than you even assumed it would be. And this angel orb gets sprayed down, and, like, half of them just kind of fall to the ground and just shake and come to their senses. And the two DJs behind the booth, even though they're wearing these robot masks, you can just tell from their body language, they're super pissed off. And they pump these just sliders behind the boombox to maximum, and the music gets louder and louder. and then smoke starts coming out of it. And when that happens,

all the remaining, like, floating, dancing angels fall to the ground, and you can see them kind of, like, shake their heads and start to come to. And as the boombox goes up and smoke, just all the energy shifts here in Reggie Town. Pan also, like, shakes his head and kind of, like, rubs his temples

and also seems to regain, like, consciousness. And... Emerald gives him a back rub, yes. Yes, and he's... And the two... robot DJs look at each other, and then they shrug, and one of them says from behind their mask, looks like Pandora's boombox bit the big one, brother. And the other DJ says, well, it's a good thing we're not that easy to get rid of. And the second DJ reaches into their

pocket and retrieves what appears to be a first generation iPod and presses some buttons on it, and you hear a click. And the music starts up again. And the blast of fog involves the DJs from on top of their booth. Their helmets fly toward you from within the fog and crash to the floor. And when the smoke clears, you see the faces they previously concealed. The dance floor participants snapped back into formation, now mimicking the movements of their puppet masters. The kind of sharp, stylish vogueing you've come to expect from the Wonderland twins, Edward and Lydia. We'll be right back.

Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your accomplice in the big height. that we're doing tomorrow. I got the stink bombs. You get the money from the bank. Thanks for tuning about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. It really means a lot. Thanks to everybody who came out to this New Orleans live show. And yeah, I think that's it. Macroy.com families are our website. If you want to check out upcoming shows and merch, we got new merch and all that stuff's at Macroy. out family and I'm going to let you get back to it. Thanks for listening. We'll be back in two weeks, which is going to be on the 21st, I think. The 21st. So see you then. Bye. Vogueing with flawless precision to the music coming out of the wall of speakers behind them.

As the music started back up again, the angel dance crew lifted itself off the floor like a single organism and begins dancing in place awaiting their chance to strike. And Lydia says, long time no kill boys can uh congrats out of making it out of wonderland uh mostly intact weren't you a mannequin who are you no wait i'm the one that's not supposed to remember anything we've fought and killed a lot of people since wonderland uh they look insulted

yeah fuck yeah they are um they say we were we did the whole wonder the whole wonder the whole Wonderland thing. It was really, really, really nasty. Oh, you kept fucking up time and making it reset. No.

Oh, you were the one that was a giant, like, swarm of eyeballs that was eating everything. The worm, it was eating everything. And the worm, the big worm. You were the big worm thing? I thought what we had was special. You were this scary train. Oh, the one with the spider.

We had the big wheel, and you spun it, and then you had to do the prisoners. dilemma and it was really psychological and spooky and we were the cat that had the shop? We turned you into a mannequin and then you all vaporized us? Yeah.

Yeah. Honestly, for you all to forget, after all the work we've put into making the fun games for you to vaporize us and then forget about us? We suck. We really suck. Yeah, anyways, we're going to go. Oh.

See ya. If we can keep doing what we're doing here, if you all want to take off and enjoy... Yeah. Why, I've got you. Yes. What did you do to the gods? I'm so glad you asked. Edward says,

So you zapped us good. You and your umbrella sister, if I'm remembering correctly. Yeah. We ended up in the... Some loop fans in the house. Lydia, Lydia says, So we came to in the astral plane, which was pretty yucky at the time because of the

hungry that was happening. Hunger, hunger. It was a blur kind of. Angry. It was the hangary. We had a chance to sneak out, find ourselves in the realm of the gods, and boys, we liked what we saw. And Edward says, we figured, if we could incapacitate

the gods for a bit, planet blows up, that sounded like a toot noise, but it was an explosion. Okay. Nobody left to worship the gods. They disappear. We become the God. Make money.

Can I say that's good? Thank you. It's way better than trap strangers in a torture prison of noise. That was very elaborate. And it was sort of, it was mean and an accomplished very little.

Yeah. Listen, I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. Yeah. But it didn't seem to have any kind of end goal. Yeah, yeah, sure. This one totally does. And luckily, Lady Assess,

we had just the right. Rube to help us with our genius ploy. And at this point, you see Reggie stand up behind the bar, and he's like rubbing his head. And when he hears the twins talking about him, he just looks downcast. He says, I thought shall love to party. And Edward says, sweet Reginald, we do,

but we love doing evil even more, bud. Oh, if that isn't nature's greatest struggle. The fight between one's desire to party and one's desire to do evil. And Lydia says, Oh, I found myself in many a night. Lydia says, now I know the three of you, four, I guess, including Pan, but I'm pretty sure. Don't include him.

Yeah, he's sort of a non-factor. I know you're going to want to fight, just knowing you. But I have a compromise. Hear me out. Okay. Roll a wisdom saving throw. Nope. I got a 13 total.

Bad. 12? That one's good. bad. 13 plus 3, 16. Good. Oh, wait, hold on. Indominable. Okay. That is

18 plus 19. Taco. You two just see Taco start fucking grooving. Just right there. And nothing seems weird. Specifically, the target begins a comic dance in place, shuffling,

tapping its feet, and capering for the duration. Caper, damn it. Now, what spell did they cast? They cast irresistible dance. Now, when will that take effect? You can't move. You're dancing and... Okay, pick one.

You have no movement points. You're spinning all of them on your dancing. Okay. And you have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws and attack rolls. Okay. And you can roll the safe. Where were we at in the order? the last thing that happened was somebody sprayed water up on the shits.

Next in the order is Taco's up. Oh, great. Okay. At this point, the dance crew has gone sort of evil again and is also a threat. It's not just the... Like thriller? They are thrilling it pretty hard, yes. You know what?

I'm just going to do one of the ones that hurt people with fire. Sometimes. He's doing a keyword search, fire. Hurt people. Okay, so I'm going to go with fireball. Oh, classic. I can't believe you needed to look for five minutes for fireball. Well, the first four minutes and 45 seconds, we're trying to look for something better.

And then the last 15 seconds were purely fireball. Okay. But I'm just going to cast a fireball. Wait. No, wait. There's a twist. All right. At them.

To set them on fire. Okay. Dexterity saving through. Okay. Lydia rolls a 6. Edward rolls 13? No.

These are shit rolls. Okay. Both. So you're going to take 8 D6 fire damage on a failed save. Are there any flammable objects in the area that are being worn or carried? Because that is You did say there were some curtains. I don't think I did.

Didn't remember the curtains. Didn't he describe the bars having curtains? Okay, yeah, there's curtains. Ooh. All right. There's fucking curtains. They're badass party curtains. So they're not flammable.

24, 27, 28. 34. 34. Whoa, okay. They, you throw a fireball at them, and I blast them, and the fucking kick-ass curtains behind them. And Edward says, ooh, I remember this feeling, being not so good. Maybe this was a bad idea.

And Lydia says, no, no, no, go with it. We got them this time. We know all their tricks. Next in the order is Merle. Oh, roll a wisdom saving throw, Taco. to see if you are still dancing. It's still... It's still dancing.

Merlecast Guardian of Faith. Yes. You've got all these angels around. Why not use some angels for their own good? Yes. So, shit. What's wrong, bud?

It's a 35. What do you roll? I don't think you have to roll anything. Why did you say... Oh, I'd have to roll anything. Why did you say shit? Because... Because...

the language is like out of control. Dukey. You see your Delo Reese Warrior Angel and she actually pops up out of the crowd of dancing angels and she's got like

she's got like some beads out. She has like one of those raver ring pops that she just kind of pop and she pops up and she's like, what do you need? I'm busy, Merle. I need you to You know what?

I don't want you to stop doing that. All right, bye. And she disappears back into the crowd of angels. Wow. I suck at this game. But she does attack all the angels around her. With a mosh. Yes.

With her irresponsible dancing, she picks up on what you need. What do I roll against the angel dance squad? You got this. What's the damage? 20 radiant damage on a failed save. Okay. What's safe?

It's dexterity. Okay. It's a dexterity saving throw. I rolled an 11, which is not going to save against your spill casting modifier. No, it's not. Yeah, you just see her, you just see her now, like, her dance that she was doing.

Now it becomes like, I've never been in a mosh pit, but I think when you get in it, you're supposed to be like... You've never been... Let's get some people up here. No. No! The fire marshal will shut us down. You've never lived.

We've done enough live shows for you to know better than to say, rush the stage. As she is moshing, you see just these like splashes of light every time she elbows another angel in the face and they take 20 radiant damage. Next in the order. So I did good, right? I mean, yes, sure.

Next in the order is Edward. Edward is just like standing perfectly still. And then he like just like flexes this powerful turbo vogue. And it sort of just like commands the entire angel dance crew to take a dive at, We'll say Merle. Merle. That is a 21 versus AC.

You have disadvantage because I'm a protection. Aw. Thank you, Magnus. That's a 17 versus AC? No. No. Let me speak for that. No.

The angel dance crew, all vogue, in the exact same way as Edward did, and then lunges towards you, trying to grab you and pull you back into the mosh pit. but Magnus uses his shield somehow to stop that from happening. Next in the order is Lydia who... Lydia casts blight on Magnus. It sounds a lot worse than it is.

Make a constitution saving through, my friend. That's one of my good ones. That's a 16 plus 9, a 25. Jesus Christ. Don't go against a fight. and strength or constitution. Yeah, sure. On a failure that would have been

38 necrotic damage, but because you saved against it, it's only 19. Sick. And you feel your, you feel your, quote, moisture and vitality drained. D&D is nasty.

Next in the order is Reggie. Reggie stands up from behind the bar and he jumps over it in one smooth party motion. And he looks pissed off. It's just a good line, a smooth party motion. He looks pissed off, and he stomps his foot,

and as he does, a hole in the ground opens up, and a hose pops out. And he just starts spraying foam everywhere into this battle that's happening in the middle of the floor. And nothing else really happens. But he's trying to get this shit going with a sick foam party. Next in the order is Magnus. Cool.

Now, do I remember he's saying that the twins were in robot bodies. What? No. You said they were robot DJs like DaFunk. They had masks on to conceal their identity so I could take them off at some point and surprise the audience. They didn't turn into friendly robes. Now, Griffin, you know what he was wanting to do.

I know what he was wanting, but what a... I'm going to say Magnus is going to take advantage of the phone. Okay. And slide on his shield like a wrecking ball. Okay. Okay. I don't know what that looks like. I'm going to like do a sick knee slide.

And smash, just smash, you're just bowling for twins? Bowling for angels, yeah. Okay, cool. Oh, you're going for the angels, okay. 17 plus, I assume, seven, which is my, or eight. Sure, sure, sure, I like it. Yeah, 25. A 17 would have hit on its own.

Yeah. Why don't you roll, why don't you just roll your regular weapon damage twice? Oh. You're going to kill some angels. You feel big, big man? So that would be 25 total. Okay, yeah. That's a good, solid hit.

You smash into the Angels, and I think Merlin Taco, who is still just like, fucking grinding and out, you see just angels go flying up in the air like cartoon bowling pins. Are you taking another action? Yeah, I am.

Okay. Am I at the Twins down? Oh, yeah, yeah, you're up. Your pawns. I attack. Which one turn me into a mannequin? Edward, I guess. Edward, right?

Yeah, yeah. I attack Edward with the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. Oh, no. Seven plus ten, seventeen. Yes, that's a hit. And it's all, let me see, all of it is the damage I do, I believe all of it. All damage ever. Nine, so that's 12 plus, 17 damage.

Oh, no, sorry. I was about to say, what the fuck is it broken? It's 26, 36 damage. Thank you very much. Okay. He says, did you have that last time? I didn't, but I do now. Fuck you. Okay. He turns back towards Lydia.

He's like, are you 100% certain? She says, we've got this, we've got this. This time for sure. He's got a huge sword this time, but we've got each other. Yeah. And I, I don't think we've ever run into it before. but I'm pretty sure it does ongoing damage. Usually I just kill people in one swipe,

but I think the poisoning part of it goes on and on. He says, I feel like wicked poisoned. Are you a hundred? Next in the order is Taco. Okay. I'm going to try. I want to cast a spell on the mosh pit. Okay.

And the spell that I am going to cast is silence. Ooh. I'm going to create. a sphere of silence centered on the centered on the sphere. Bad news, immune to thunder damage. Okay.

But they are deafened while inside it. Yeah. Okay, how big is the sphere? This is a 20-foot radius sphere. Okay, that's definitely big enough to capture, like, the dance pit as it is. And as you do that, you just see like, you know, a mosquito getting spray.

by mosquito spray, all the angels just sort of fall to the ground, just sort of like clutching their ears and looking around very confused. Hey, gang, don't forget to hydrate. And the angel dance crew has been neutralized. I think one of them steps out of the sphere

just to leave and they go like demon again and one of their friends like grabs them and pulls them back into the sphere like... Once again, another good audio cue. Next in the order is Merle. The dance crew has been neutralized. And yeah. Believe it or not, my facial recognition thing

won't recognize me on my phone. Is it a clothing recognition thing? I don't know. It's just like, I'm not giving this to you, Clint. Take off the fucking hat. If Merle had his Extreme Teen Bible and it wasn't zooming across the United States somewhere in the United States postal system,

He opens up his extreme team Bible and casts banishment on Leanna. Wait, aren't you? Stop. Leanna is not a person present in the room. It's not a person who's in present ever. Lydia. Cast banishment on Lydia and attempts to send her to the Western place that was caught in the time loop. All right, sure.

Why the fuck not? What's that look like? What am I doing? That's a charisma saving throw for that. Yeah. It's not like they're going to be charismatic at all these vogueing twins. I got a 22 save on that.

That saves. Is that enough to say? Allow me to speak for myself on my turn. Did it save, Mac? Yeah. You see her, actually, what you get out of her is like the Back to the Future part one

where her hand starts to turn invisible, and she's like, oh shit, maybe we should, but then it like pops back in to place. And she's like, okay, never mind. Next in the order is Edward and Lydia. I think Lydia is pissed off about what you just tried to do to her. And she grabs the iPod and presses like a button on it

and the music changes. And as it does, Pan turns in your direction and his eyes have gone blood red and his face is cracked and I need everybody to make a dexterity saving throw

aw, dunk gonna get fucked up by Pan yeah, that's a nine for old Magnus yeah, she probably got a nine as well Merle Merle. Read it. That's a Nat 20 for Muriel. Oh yeah.

Merle does 18 unnecessary flips. Yeah, I think that the Wait, let me let me do it, Caruso. Well, Naturally, it's a 20. That's not.

That's something, I guess. What I love, Merle, like, knowing Pan, like you see his face and instantly know something's wrong, and that's why you have these cat-like reflexes as you flip backwards, avoiding a wall of thorns that Taco and Magnus are. Now, Taco is in the wall of thorns. Dancing. Still fucking bump in it. Magnus and Taco take 30 piercing damage. Dang.

All right. I'm bloody. You all fall backwards as you are pierced by the thorns, and now you are all trapped inside of a dome of razor-sharp thorns that Pan has conjured up trapping you inside. And as you all take this damage, the thorns start sort of wrapping around themselves, constricting tighter and tighter and tighter around you. Next, you hear Reggie, and he yells,

Oh, no! Magnus, it's your turn. I'm going to flex so hard at the Wall of Thornsbrates. This is, okay. You're going to flex so hard. Stop. Talk about the science of why that works,

and I'll let you. You said they were constricting. They're not like... So you wait until they're racked? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard it. I heard it, I heard it, I heard it for sure. The problem wasn't me. That's a one.

Jesus. Magnus, you take 24 points of piercing damage as you... Magnus is almost dead. Work that on your cannon, motherfuckers. Next of the order is Taco. Again? Yeah, bud.

We're moving fast. Dang, we're just crank it, huh? Yeah. Hey, guys, if you could help out, I got to open a school for dogs or whatever the fuck later. It doesn't take much time for Magnus to walk up to a walk. of thorns flex and be devoured. All right, well, let's recap again.

You're trapped in a dome of thorns that is getting smaller and smaller. Magnus walked into the thorns again to flex and try and explode. Okay, now I did miss Enuzan. I thought I was already in the thorns. Yeah, uh, Taco. And Merle's fine. And Merle is fine. You're also in the dome of thorns, but you were not hit by it. Against all odds. Yes.

I can't move, can I? You're still, oh, you didn't roll the save, I think, at the end of your last turn. Roll that with some saving throw. Roll that beautiful bean footage. That's 18. That's good. Yes. You stop dancing.

I am, I will pull out the hole thrower. Okay. And use it on the sphere of thorns. And I'll look at my two patrons and say, let's get the hell out of here. Roll a 1D10, I think, to determine the size of this. this hole that you are punching in thorns. Oh, boy. Do you need a ten-sided dice?

No, I got one. Okay. Oh, man. How big is the wall? Huh? How big is the wall? It's a circumference. It's not a thickness question.

It's a circumference question. How big are we talking here, bud? One foot. I'll give you this. I'll give you this. It's big enough for one of you guys to get through. And Merle, it's your turn. Oh, man.

Murrow cast flame strike on the thorn wall. While you're all inside of it? Remember when I said I'm almost dead and we have like a whole canon about how I die? Just so we follow the scene. Taco punches a hole in the wall, big enough for Merle to get through. Merle says, ah, good. I'm going to blow us all up with holy fire. All right, Merle cast mass heel.

A blood of healing energy. Taco punches a hole in the side of the thorns and you say, ah, good. I'm just going to heal us while the... The thorns continue to circle in. Yes. Okay, do it. Yes. Exactly.

You restore up to 700 points. Look at that shit. Yup. What's he casting? Mass heel. That's a ninth level spell, my man. Do not have it. Do not have it.

Let's try again. You just sat there waiting for me to commit to that. What about healing word? What about kind of mass heal? I don't need your, I don't need your pity. How about, okay, regenerate. Okay, or you touch a creature and stimulate its, why is the font so small? It's natural healing ability.

Okay, okay. Who are you doing this to? Tim, um, beefy o' burly over here. Okay. Be Fio Burley. Please, Sarah, that's my father. That's 48 plus 15. Cool.

Next in the order is Edward and Lydia again. Here's what happens. The vines start closing in closer and closer around you. And just as they are about to envelop you, the room just kind of disappears. All of the vines just like vanish, and you are standing in this like, just black void.

Reggie's gone. All the angels standing in the dome of silence are just gone. It's just you standing in this black void. And then a shape appears, a blue triangular wedge. And then adjacent to it, two more wedges, one green, one yellow. Then more and more appear all different colors, all branded with these different symbols. The trifles. All forming the Wheel of Sacrifice.

And that's when you realize you're back in Wonderland. And you all actually recognize each other's outfits as the, clothes you were wearing while you were in Wonderland. Taco is like heavily wounded from when that piece of heavy machinery fell on him some time ago. Who's clapping for that? One person clapping. I saw a monster. Oh, I love Monsterous. A catwalk raises up from the floor and Edward and Lydia stepped down it and Lydia says, oh brother, do you think it's time that we told them? And Edward says,

I guess the act is up. I imagine it must be quite shocking to return to our stylish little torture complex. Funny thing is, you never actually left. And Lydia says, we warned you there was no escape. Everything you've experienced since leaving has been but a waking dream we've implanted in your minds. We've just been draining you of your suffering the entire time. I attack him.

It is your turn. No, here's the. the thing. Okay. The last time we fought you, you took my body. Yep. And you pissed us off. Yeah. And if I remember correctly, my sister from another

mister, fucking ate you up. Yeah. We're not there. Okay. Fuck right off. Okay. And I tacked with a flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. Okay. And that's at 22 versus AC. Okay. You, Taco and Merle,

you see Magnus wield this massive just god-killing weapon, and you see him jump forward, and then suddenly you see him encased within the wall of vines, which reappear all around you as the hallucinatory terrain disappears. Magnus, you take 30 points of piercing damage,

as you were consumed by the vines again. Then I'm attacking the vine. That was a solid time. No, there's no way you saw it. Edward says, you fucking yokel! You got you again. Get dumped on. Okay, wait. How much did I lose?

30 points of piercing damage. Okay, and then I attack again. Okay, this time actually looking at the vines? No, shooting through the hole with the cross... No, with the chance lance. Okay. That's 19. Okay, who are you throwing that at?

You know what, I'm going to that word again. Fuck that does. Okay. Yeah, that's a hit. It's 12. Okay, that's cute. No, it's sweet. It's like, it's a sweet, it's a sweet hit.

And I do it again. Okay. No, this time I'm going to attack the vines of the flaming or a cheek poisoning sort of too. Okay. So, Nat 20. Oh, shit, okay. You really got those vines.

No need to roll damage on that one, my friend. I think with that, you describe it. What's it look like? How are you attacking them? I think one solid slice, and it just, like, split. The whole dome just goes, reek. Okay.

Slits open. Yeah, the vines fall away. As they do, you all see PAN. standing in front of you and he looks real bad. And I was like to use my second wind. His face is all craggy and messed up. He has these blood red eyes and he roars as he sees you. And then actually it's Reggie's turn if you'll allow it.

You all just hear this loud boom and then see Pan just disappear in this burst of confetti and you look over and Reggie's holding a confetti cannon that he is just fired in Pan's direction. and the concussive force of that has knocked, rendered your deity unconscious and on the ground. Next in the order is taco. Taco. And at this point now, I think Edward and Lydia

realized their bag of tricks has been nearly emptied out and they look a little nervous. I am going to... I'm going to cast circle of death because when nothing else will do, you cast a circle of death. That's a sphere of negative energy radiating out a 60-foot radius.

You got to make a Constitution saving throw. Yeah, all right. That's a level nine spell. No. Level six, Mac. Good try. I rolled a three for Edward plus whatever. It's not going to get me there.

And then I rolled a six plus four is a ten? Still? Probably no. So what happens? That's going to be 8D6 necrotic damage. Okay. Hold on. Man.

Okay, here we go. Three. One, you all add it up, okay? One. Five. Five. Ten. Six.

Sixteen. Four. Twenty. Six. Twenty-six. Six. Thirty-two. Is that eight?

One more. One more? One to grow on. Six. 38. 38. 38 hit points. Can I say?

I'm going to be so stoked. to tell my sister she did not kill you. And I did. Edward says, we'll see about that. We practically invented necrotic. And then he just explodes in a puff of black smoke. And Magnus catches the iPod and realizes it's just full of YouTube. It's just full of free YouTube.

He didn't even pay for it. There's so much you do on here. This is all you two? You too? This is all you too. And Lydia, Lydia. That's the real curse. Lydia looks over at her brother, who's now a puff of smoke, and just says, looks like Team Wonderland is blasting off again!

And she explodes, too. And instantly, the music just disappears. You see Pan start, like, rubbing his head and regaining his senses. The cone of silence disappears. You hear one of the angel dance crew just yell, like, No more fat beats, please! Only juicy beats. Juicy calm beats.

Some calm house music to do homework to. Just some inium. Please. Sail away, sail away, sail away, sail away. Oh, oh. Stay away. Jump cut to Istis' cottage.

You see half a pantheon's worth of deities now sheepishly exiting the place, dark circles under their eyes, carrying their belongings over their shoulders. Pan is one such deity after returning with you as he stops and prepares to leave, he turns towards you, Merle, and he says, if you don't want to follow me anymore

after what you saw today, I'm sorry about all those things I DM'd you. That's a deity message. I would totally, totally understand. No, listen, it's all about forgiveness, buddy. You did okay. Which one of us is the loving God, right? Exactly.

Wait, at what point did he do okay? attacked us. Look, you have your gods. I've got mine. The rhythm took him over, Travis. The three of you also see Reggie. He's got a push broom, and he's trying to use it to clean up all the trash

scattered across Istis' yard, and he's failing because that's not the right tool to use for that job. But he's giving it some effort. And when he sees the three of you, he approaches humbly, and he says, So, uh, listen. Listen.

I goofed. I goofed it. I goofed up bad. Look. The whole divine charge thing, it's all about getting the party going. But today, I did over party, and I did not think that was possible. Does this make me the new god of partying? Because you're cleaning up.

I'm happy to just be like the undergod of partying. Yeah. Or is there something more specific than partying now that I think about it? Like, if I could be the god of organizing my sock drawer. Yeah. He says, I owe you big time. I promise from now on. I'm gonna keep things real conservative around here.

Just three phone parties a week, sandwich between nightly turbo raves. But I'm gonna cut those off at 5 a.m. So folks can get a nice morning sleep before heading out for the aforementioned foam party. Your friend, you have the longest arms. Yeah, look at this fucking wingspan. You're like an orangutan.

Thank you. I want a boon. Okay. I want a boon where if I'm throwing a party and I yawn, everyone leaves instantly. Can we do that? Can you grant me this one wish,

this one party wish? He says, I'll do you one better. There's literally nothing better than what I just described? If you're at a party where you don't know anybody, but there's a cat, you'll be able to talk to the cat

using language. I love this. Yes. And at that point, Merle and Magnus and Taco just fall into each other's arms crying because they're so fucking happy. And with a snap of his fingers, the three of you are transported back to the prime material plane.

You're just standing in a field outside of Neverwinter, and from there, you see the world setting itself right. The sun shoots back up into the sky. The trees are all bending to stand up straight. Can we get dramatic lights, please? No lights. Just let him read. A dramatic light, I would accept. I don't know if we have access to those.

But in the distance... There's one slider, it's just dramatic. Bring it up. Oh, no, I hit Wimsycle. But in the distance, we see an object plummet from the sky. Oh, look, look, look. A golden trail of light following behind it. It crashes to the ground somewhere in the Felicity Wilds,

and then we see it close up in a small smoking crater. Pandora's boombox sits, half-submerged in the soft loam of the forest floor, but not for long. A gloved hand reaches down and removes it from the crater, and as this figure holds their new treasure aloft, we see an ominous grin flash across the face of Garfield that deals with. And then I wrote, The End? That's it, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Have you ever watched a movie so bad, you just needed to talk to somebody about it? Well, here at the flop house, we watch a bad movie and then talk about it. Yeah, you don't have to do anything. We'll watch it and we'll talk it. We do the hard work.

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