The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in San Diego!

Episode Date: September 21, 2017

The Tres Horny Boys are dropped into a deadly virtual training program modeled after a classic D&D adventure. With the help of the Chat, can they make it through Lucas' trap-filled dungeon before their lives run out? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

What's up, San Diego? It's me, the weird voice. The sense word Comic-Con, I feel like I can finally say, I've been Batman the whole time. Swear to me, it's the Adventure Zone. It's like three minutes of show you don't get. Magic potion. Jesus, I've got a timer.

We are so fucking bad at timing out this show, and we always have to, like, spoiler, the last 10 minutes are going to be like, and then the boss shows up, kill him, he's dead. I've got a timer here and it's actually, I just realized, the most stressful imaginable object. Hi everybody.

Welcome to the Adventure Zone. Thank you for coming. I would like to go ahead and get out of the way. Could we get house lights for like just a minute? I want to see all the awesome cosplays. If you're cost... Jesus, God. Oh, man.

All right. Keep cheering. Yeah. Wait a minute. I'm going to sketch. you all. Hold on. It's awesome. And you can just leave a check for a portion of the rights to those

unlicensed. Let's play Dungeons to Dragonss. I want to really spend some time playing this one and not really really really sure. Real quick, getting directions. I'm Griffin McRoehrough. I'm going to be the dungeon master. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wait, hold on. Is there anyone here who doesn't know the show? Because he's about to get

real weird for you. My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Taco, Taco, wizard. I play Magnus Burnside's The Rustically Hospitable Fighter. And I play Merle High Church, the incredibly talented

and gifted Dungeons and Dragons Player. Too close. Was that too close? My dad, who has been a radio professional for the last 120 years. And he used that microphone like it is a donut. What? They're donuts?

Let's get into it. I need everybody to make a Excerity saving throw. We were audio testing and dad was showing his fancy dice off because when you roll at 20 it flashes and makes a noise and dad said I've literally never seen that happen before. So I won. 11. I rolled 14 plus 216.

Okay. Taco, you fall 20 feet and splash into a gigantic pool of acid. It happens. And as you hit the acid and take damage, you see what looks like two glowing, like holographic hearts float up and away from your body and disappear. And floating in this pool are the bones and nearly eroded away armaments of long-lost adventurers who met with a similar fate to the one you're about to succumb to. The smooth walls of this pit are lined with a spiral of two-inch-wide holes, which you cannot

see into. Far, far above this pit in the ceiling of the room you just fell from is a circular trap-door, the exact circumference of this pit and from behind that trapdoor you can hear rumbling. Magnus and Merle, from atop this pit, you see your friend fall inside and land an acid. What do you do? Are you okay?

What the fuck does it look like? I think you fell. Good, oh, that's good. You're on the right track. Do you want us to get you out of the hole? No, I have magical powers. As Taco says that, he dissolves completely. and disappears.

Well, and that ends taco. You are all here for it. Should be a chill night for the J-Man. You do see all of his great stuff and some treasure floating down in the pool. What do you do? I use the grappling hook to save the treasure and stuff.

Make a, I don't know, a grappling hook roll. Roll at D20. 15. Okay. You bend over to fish out some of the some of the treasure from the pool. That is not what I said. Merle, what are you doing during this? I'll heal him.

This is good. Now I did now, okay. Merle, you lean over the pit to try to cast a spell to heal your dissolved. It's going to have to be one hell of a roll. That's going to be a good heel, man. As the two of you are leaning over this pit, the trapdoor above you opens and drops a deluge of acid on the two of you as well, dissolving both of you also instantly. And as you're killed, your body fractures into a million tiny multicolored squares, which hover

and gather where you died, and then soar up into the air and out of the room you were in, and through a twisting corridor, much too fast for you to try and get your bearings. And then all three of you are back and standing in a long stone-rought hallway. Behind you, the hallway extends 30 feet, and at that end you see like a slope of dirt and sand, stones bricks leading upward and out of sight, and there's some sunlight shining down from that rough staircase. And in the other direction, away from that entrance, the hallway extends, and it's far too dark for you to see anything. And after surveying this scene, the three of you notice an image in the upper left corner of your periphery. And as you turn your head, the image moves

with you, like it's in a static position. And it depicts a small... Can you do that again? It... Yeah. It depicts a small armor-clad hero, and then a time symbol, and then the the number eight. And as you're reformed in this hallway, that counter drops down to five. And you hear the disembodied voice of Lucas Miller, the scientist, the scientist you saved one fateful candle nights, say, uh, okay, so that didn't go so great. I may need to tune down the difficulty settings a little later on. Don't make it difficult.

That's not our thing at all. what's the backstory of why we fucking agreed to do this because right now that stairway is looking pretty good at taco Justin character voices that wasn't no no no no No before you cheer for this dullard When have you ever heard someone in your real life say What's the backstory?

I was talking to fucking talking to Griffin Ask as Lucas Miller what's up What? I'm not going to tell you what's up But we know what we're okay You don't remember what's up. Is this in media res or in media nonsense? We're in media res. Okay, in media reds. Hey, Lucas.

The user degree. Lucas, my man, remind me why we're here. Lucas says, wait, you seriously don't remember? Fuck off with that, seriously. He says, I wonder if the brain spike is having some sort of effect on your short-term memory. Are we in the fucking matrix? He says, you're in a virtual.

reality program that I designed to help train members of the Bureau of Ballets. Matrix. It's Matrix. Really, what it's modeled after is an old dungeon and an old fantasy game I used to play. It's called the Tomb of Horrors. You're waiting for it. I'll get checked. Got you.

He says, y'all were making pretty good progress. The goal is to reach the end of the tomb and destroy the evil Demilich, a Syriac, and claim his treasure for your own. started out with 10 lives, but it looks like you burn through half of them. You'll need to be much more careful if you want to clear this dungeon. And then in the bottom right corner of your vision, some words start appearing

and a chat message from a username Boy Detective 15. Different guy. It's a different, it's not, no, it's saying Gizmigal. It says, please be careful, sirs. And then another message from Killer Killian pops up, and it

says... Okay, we'll be here all night. Is that all the show? going to be, just dropping cameos like that. That's fun. That's a fun. Hey, Cravitz. Good idea. All right. A message from Killer Killian

pops up that says, someone better turn on easy mode. And then another message... Hey, shut up. And then another message from a user just named Leon just says, LOL. And you hear Lucas again, and he says, just keep moving forward and watch each other's backs. Your real bodies are totally safe back

here in my lab, I promise. Yeah, I believe that. So what's the exit? What do we have here? Well, I'll tell you, using mostly descriptions from the Tomb of Horrors. You reached the end of the hallway, away from the entrance, and are standing before three features of interest. The first is an archway.

The stone archway before you is filled with a veil of thick vapors. Hell yeah. Someone's been vaping. Someone's been ripping thick cotton. Carrie Gygax invented vaping. Tweet it. The stones on either side. of the base and the keystone protrude slightly from the stones around them as you move to

within touching distance. The left-hand base stone begins to glow yellow, the right-hand basestone orange, and the keystone seven feet above, blue. Should we be writing this down? The second feature worth noting is directly in front of you at the far end of the hall. On the hall before you is a relief sculpture of a great green devil face, formed of mosaic tiles. The face has a huge O of a mouth. It's O-face, if you will. inside of which the space is dead black. The most outstanding feature in this location is actually outstanding.

Wait, what? Oh no, it's like outstanding from the wall. Okay, two jackal-headed human figures are painted so as to appear to be holding a real bronze chest that protrudes from the wall. That's it. So, you have the chest being held by two jackal-headed human figures, the great green devil face with the O mouth that is. How big is his O mouth?

It's three feet in diameter. I throw Chance Lance into it. Okay. It goes in. We did it. And then I call it back. You do what? I call it back.

Oh, no, you don't. Don't put your hands into the O face. Yeah, your lance is gone. It's not real. I mean... It's real to me, damn it! Okay, I take several steps back from the chest

and I cast knock on it. What does that do? It opens it. I could reach you a fucking card if you want, but it opens it. I also want to say, as he's doing this, I am continually trying to call back chancellands. All right, so Magnes...

Merle, what are you doing while a taco cast knock? I guess I will investigate the two. Don't. You'll die. Whatever you're about to do, you'll die. You're going to make a joke, and Grimbin's going to smile in his shitty way that he does, and then he's going to kill you.

We got to play this one street, Clint. All right. Don't examine protruding chest. Correct. The chest opens. Hell yeah. I look from where I am

a good distance away I kind of echo locate what might be in the chest. What does that sound like? Using that method, it appears to be empty. You're not going to make him roll for that? For echolocation? Just go let him go locate.

Yeah, Tococon. ironically has bad powers now. It, it, it appears to be empty. That's the shitty way I was talking about. Okay, well then there's nothing, the chest is nothing.

Everyone, the chest is empty and nothing. So let's move on to something else. Lucas, this sucks. Lucas, you hear Lucas go, Murl Cash fine traps. Okay. Your fucking brain explodes. You just hear a million voices scream like, yes.

You hear a voice screaming. It's the Tomb of Horrors. There's a million of them. Well, I can reuse this, can't I? I guess so. The answer's not going to change. You know what? Fuck it.

I stick my hand in the chest. Wouldn't Magnus do that? Thank you. I also agree. The lid of the chest slams down on your hand. then you feel sharp, poisonous needles jab into the top of your hand. I immediately chop off my arm. No, no, no, no.

Trade for this moment. No, if anybody gets to do it, it's me. You're too slow, old man. No! I've done it already. Do I need to roll an attack against myself? Yeah, roll an attack against your own arm. Not great.

Well, here's the good news. Well, bad news is I roll the five. Wait, timeout. What's worse? A good attack on yourself or a bad attack on yourself? Listen, this is a surgery roll. You want high numbers right now. Oh, okay.

Well, I rolled five plus a ten. It's a fifteen, but I don't get out of the way of my own attack. I choose not to defend. How on earth do you add ten? That's my attack. He's very good attacking. Wow. You can shoot flames from your hands and levitate you.

I just hit stuff good. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. Magnus, you take damage, and as you do, you see something new up here in the upper right corner of your periphery. three hearts pop into you. And as you cut off your own arm, two of them disappear,

leaving heart-shaped outlines in their place. I'm going to need some cauterizing, magic guys. Nope. You seem to be fine. Awesome. I mean, fine-ish. I'm all right. Yeah, you're all right.

Oh, all right, all right. After the chest... Wait, let it? Yeah, no, we... Yeah, it's a real thing. They're done. They're done. After slamming down in your hand that way,

the chest lid lifts open, and the trap is disarmed. I spend the whole rest of this, we already just looking at Merle going, uh? So now there's an arm in it. Yes. And maybe other stuff.

No, don't reach in there. No, actually the arm also turned into pixels and floated away. Yeah, it's beautiful. I'll see you again at the crossroads. I stole that joke from Justin earlier. What do you do? It's just a bone reference.

Yeah, it's not really anything. I go home. Can you guys angle your mics? I'm just worried about closives. That's not a joke. No, no, not like that. Look how Daddy's doing it. Look how Daddy Justin's doing it.

Not Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. Papa Justin. No, look, fucking look. There we go. Yeah. There we go. Mike at the mouth, not mouth at the mic. Hello.

How's this been? This past 30 seconds. Pretty good. Normally, this is the stuff we edit out, but you're not going to leave, so I just have to say it in front of them. If everybody could just plug their ears for a second while Justin coaches me through good audio recording. Hey, Dad, if you want to get crazy and do the same thing, I just made Travis do, go for it. I have been in the radio business for 45 years. The chest trap is disarmed.

You have the devil's mouth and the missed door. Does the chancellant break, or is it just stuck in there? As it enters into that inky blackness, it's not like throwing it down a hole where you can kind of see it drop a little bit and then disappear. As soon as it goes, like, it's just nothing. It's just nothing. Okay. Yeah. Chestraps this arm.

Mist door, devil mouth. Well, I took the last one. So, is there any exit from this room? I mean, the entrance where you came in. Well, that's nothing. And the miss door. And the miss door, yeah. So what's the, tell me about the mist door.

Well, I'll tell you all about the miss door. Missed door, Justin. The stone archway before you was filled with a veil of thick vapors. Hell yeah. The left stone of the door is glowing yellow. The right one is orange, and the top one is blue. Left yellow, top... Top blue, right, orange.

This is such a shitty puzzle. I don't know why they put this in the game. Well, okay, I don't want to get technical, but you put it in the game this time. It's true. And to get even more technical, you plagiarized it for something out. That is also true.

Okay, so all, do the tiles have any give if I push them? Are they buttons? Yes, they click in and they make a pleasant chime. What did you push in? Nothing. I just asked a question. Okay, well, there's no way you can discern that information without doing it. So I, forget what I just said.

Eternal Sunshine. You did it 10 minutes ago let him echo locate. So you're drawing a fairly fine line now. I'm going to cast true seeing. Okay. This gives me the ability to see things as they actually are, which in this case is the solution to the puzzle. I just want to see what it actually is.

You can tell, because you can see through the facade of this door, the order that these buttons are supposed to be pressed are yellow, blue, and orange. Yellow, blue, orange. Okay, I do that. Okay, yeah. The mists disappear. Thank you.

Magic Powers? You hear Lucas say, I am sorry about that. That's not a good puzzle. How are you supposed to figure that out? What was that? Yeah, exactly. I think it's just a guessing game.

It was made in the 70s and people were doing a lot of peyote back then. So when... Yes, we were. He says as he drinks his Diet Coke from a Turvice Tumbler. It's a Doctor Who, Turvice Tumblr.

It's way better. Doctor Who on BBC. America. Moon dog. Let's keep rolling. After you clear the archway of mist and start passing through it, another message pops up in the chat from a username Bluntlord 420, who says, nice.

And then another message from Bluntlord 420 who says this is Robbie BTW. Yeah. You moving on? Well, yeah, we'll go through that door. Okay, yeah, you all go through that door, and the three of you work your way through a claustrophobic corridor and enter a small dark room. And as you do, you hear the entrance who just passed through slam shut.

behind you. And as you turn around, you notice that the entrance has disappeared completely. Immediately, torches mounted on the wall, spark to life, revealing the contents of this chamber. Three large chests are affixed firmly to the floor. The western one is gold, plate covering iron. I don't know why they included that, like, you're just going to fucking steal the chest and be like, nice try. I've got a chest of gold now. The center one is silver, plate over iron, and the eastern one is oak bound with bronze. It's oak, found with thick bronze bands. Is this your first time reading this?

Yes. Each is about four feet long, two feet wide, and three feet high. And as you enter this room, a username DragonZord, who is Carrie, chats and says, she chats and says, ooh, I remember this one, good luck. Then tell me the answer. Yeah, what's the answer? There's no response. Damn it. Classic.

Wait, I know this one. I know this one. Gold, silver, and oak chests. What do you do? The oak is the chest of a carpenter. I crawl on my knees to that one. Pinnant at Manchal Pass. Pinnant Manchal Pass.

It's fucking Last Crusade. Are we not doing Last Crusade? Yeah, no, we're doing Last Crusade. What's the fucking shit? Because I'm better at Last Crusade than you all. I get punished by not laughing at me. Seems kind of shitty. Wait, try it again.

Take two. We'll edit that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Penitant Manchel Pass, right? Do that police squad freeze frame. Yeah. Okay, well, I did. Cool. I did cool things for the last one.

I lost my arm on the last one. Fair? Merle? I've been saving a spell since we started playing this game three and a half years ago. Translation, he didn't know he had it. You literally just found it in your deck. I cast Heroes Feast. And we all think out to a nice dinner before moving on. The conversation where we had literally right backstage, we were like, let's just keep a nice pace moving, just chew through the adventure.

And you're like, a bountiful bouquet of... Meats and bread. You bring forth a great feast, including magnificent food and drink. It takes an hour to consume. Why? And we're going to do it in real time. Why? Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

A creature that partakes to the feast gains several benefits. Health insurance. Dental. It makes all wisdom saving throws with advantage, and he, hit points of all creatures maximum increases by 2D freaking 10. Stop, stop, stop, stop. You're embarrassing yourselves. Stop it.

One, we don't have hit points. That was nothing. To start with, there's no hit points. Remember, just the hearts. Oh. So that's nothing. That part was nothing. And I guess wisdom, I mean...

This is a delicious sandwich on my arms back. Can we translate that hit point game to hearts for him? Yeah, but all of you have one extra heart. You're up to four. I'll give you that. And you have advantage on wisdom saving throws. Maybe the chest would be cool to... Wait, we're not done eating.

Everyone sit in silence. You know, that whole keep the pace moving thing, you asked us about. Cold, silver. Open a fucking chest! You know what? I'm already injured, so it's better. I'll do it. I open the oak chest. Nope.

When the lid of the oak chest is opened, a large humanoid creature with the head and wings of a bat, or if you will, a Batman, will be instantly teleported into the room and it strikes with surprise. Magnus? Yes. Does 22 hit your AC?

A little bit. Yeah. Little bit it does. The Batman swipes a jagged claw through Magnus, and as he does... I use Perry. He chose poorly. That's good.

That's another last crusade for you guys. There is, Perry just reduces damage. Yes. It's not gonna, it's... Then I use crying. Yeah. This Batman rakes a claw through Magnus, and as he does, Magnus explodes into pixels. See y'all later?

And you see that counter in the corner, turn to the number four. Magnus, very quickly, though, you appear. back at where the entrance to this room was. I'm back! I'm not going to make you all roll initiative, because we'll do that for a different thing, but what do you do about this Batman who's now in the room? Round two, Batman. After one of you does something, the Batman will also do something.

I'll cast Fireball with the bat to kill it. Okay. Wait, maybe he's friendly. Wait, no, he didn't just kill me. It just killed you. You can talk to it. The bat that eviscerated, you might be our friend. The Batman says, And then he points to the buffet and he says,

Yes, that's for anyone, or can I get down on it? Wait, hold on. Which chest do we open, and then you can have some turkey? I got, I put it in the chest. Sugar on. Black sugar, I got some bananas and apples that I want to eat those. God, I hope nobody just walked in. Which chest?

No, I want to eat the apples and bananas first. You could have an apple, but you have a banana after you tell me, apples first. This is the best thing I've ever done with my life. Yeah. Talk to my brother as a Batman about bananas. By the way, I'm going to be the new Batman after Ben Affleck leaves, and it's going to be this voice.

That was a little... It would still be better than Christian Bill. That was... Is he here tonight? I'm sorry. Probably not. We're fans, Chris. I cast a fireball at your dumb bat. I make a dexterity saving throw.

Sure. You have the card right? I rolled a three, so there's nothing I'm going to add to that that's going to be sufficient. Sorry, what? I fucked up. Hurt the bat with fire now. You're going to take 8D6. Jesus Christ.

Just roll 1 times 8. We're on rain pace. Do what? Just roll 1 D8 and we'll, or whatever, D6, and we'll multiply it by 8. This is a six, okay Jesus Christ Magic 48

No I can fucking multiply six times eight The bat sees the fireball Coming at it And just nervously reaches over and grabs an apple And then explodes

As the fireball hits it For 48 fucking points of damage You killed Batman I solved your bat person Yeah you killed Batman Inside the oak chest Is nothing

I get inside to the yolk chest and close it. No, I don't. No, nothing happens. There's nothing. I get back out. Yeah, you're embarrassed now. But I do it fun, like,

silver chest and gold chest. What do you do? Open one. I open the silver chest. So you're saying that, wait. That was in a character voice. Stop, stop. So wait, hold on.

You, Merle, are looking at Taggo and going, I open You say out loud to me I open the silver chest All right I open the silver chest I look at you and say Okay you too Go for a second Magnus

And doctor just look very concerned at Merle Like oh it's happening You're twilight years Or come sooner than we expected It's so sad But hey we had a good run Okay so we put him in an old dwarves home Inside the silver chest

Is a clear crystal box worth 1,000 gold pieces that holds a silver scepter. It was a man bat in mine. Yeah. I take the scepter. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no.

You just did something. It's my turn to do something. The scepter's in the... The crystal box has the scepter in it and it's inside the chest. You just take the whole thing out. This is the Tomb of Horrors. It's not just like, here's the awesome scepter.

I pick it up and I smash it on the ground. When the box is lifted from the supposed bottom of the chest, eight darts will fire upward and then one or two characters leaning over the chest so as to be exposed in the line of fire will take hurts, hurting damage. You take three hearts worth of damage.

It's good that Merle boosted you up like that as a bevy, a salvo of darts are flung into your face and chest. Happens. I open the other chest that's still closed. Oh, great. Wait, no doubt.

Did I get the scepter? What did you do with the crystal chest after you lifted it out and got hit by a bunch of darts? Taco. I, well, I smashed it on the ground, is what I said. Okay, it's no longer worth a thousand gold pieces, but you get the silver scepter from out of the chest.

And as you smash it and claim the scepter, a wooden arched doorway suddenly appears in a puff of smoke at the end of the room. I stopped just before opening the other chest. All right. Fair enough. You move through that doorway? Yes, sure.

As you pass through that doorway, the three of you are moving down another long hallway lined with torches. Is it nice? I mean, this is the fucking tomb of horrors, man. There's nothing. But like, is it nice? Yeah, it's a nice horror tomb.

I'm saying there can be traps and there can be dangerous, but it doesn't mean there can't be nice tapas. Well, it's weird that you say that, Travis. As you're moving down this torch-lined hallway. Apparently not. You start to see something odd. The flame on the torches

freeze suddenly in place. And the cobblestones that comprise the walls and the floor, they start to flicker, almost like they're glitching out. You all see this too, right? Yeah. They do, yeah.

All right. I just thought that it was just kicking in, you know? I took a bunch of ecstasy before starting not me. Magnus Day. Magnus is a certified party boy, and that's all there is, too. Well, he's been

a lot of time of Joshua Tree, just really getting centered. With ecstasy? Yeah, it's fucked up. I feel really centered right now. These were glowsticks. You all saw the glowsticks. Okay. This entire place is glitching out

around you. And after a few seconds, the hallway disappears completely, and you're standing in just an empty black void, and you hear Lucas's voice, only it's super distorted, and he's saying, wait, what's going on? I'm losing them. What's happening to the simulation? What happened to the distortion? Well, I wanted them to hear me. Get off my jock. Suddenly, the three of you are standing on a small fishing boat. Oh, nice. In the middle of a large lake, and you're outside, and it's a beautiful,

sunny day. Finally, my dad's taken me fishing. And as you get your bearings on this boat, some words appear in front of all of you in these bright block letters, and they read Big Bass Challenge. And as those words appear, some bright poppy music starts playing. And in the back of the boat, there's a bearded man and a big floppy hat on the boat with you, and he's drinking something out of a big jug. And he says, welcome to Big Bass Challenge. Welcome to Big Bass Challenge. I'm Rascal. You're ready to catch some big bass? Am I ever?

Always. I like Big Bass, and I cannot lie. I'm all about that bass. I love fishing. Got them. I didn't get the other two references. He says, I don't know where you strange travelers hail from. I kill Rascal.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much. I just want to take away any joy group now. Travis punches him in the head and he's full of pinata candy. Nobody saw this coming. Go ahead and roll. He said we had the cube of fast face. Go ahead and roll the D20. Wait, why are you?

This is so much. 16 plus 9. Right. Plus 10. 26. This is very out of character. I don't believe that you would kill Rascal. That doesn't make sense to me.

Yeah. I feel like that's the dare. Thanks, Reddit. You, uh, what are you attacking with? Rail Splitter? No, I'm just kind of, ugh. No, you fucking attack your asshole. I punch him with phantom fist.

And I just push him out of the boat. I'm just pushing him out of the boat. He flies backwards off the boat and he says, he says, what does he say, Griffin? Yeah, what's he saying? Tell me what he says. He says, Time for races!

And a big, a big, big bass jumps up out of the water and eats him in midair. And now Rascal's dead. Cosplay that. As Rascal has killed, a fishing rod and tackle box appear where he was sitting. It's the loot he dropped. And as those items appear, some words appear on your, like, interface that read, catch a big bass to proceed. Speaking of Aretha,

I think no one can really accuse a girlfriend of railroading us anymore since we just killed his whole thing. We've killed his guy. All right, I'm going to... I'm going to use animal handling. To order fish to jump onto your hook. No, let Justin do it. He's going to do it.

It's an actual thing that might help the story. Do I see the big bass is in there? You can see several, like, shadows under the water, and one of them is quite large. and it is the one who just killed my favorite person I appreciate you of acknowledging I didn't kill, rascal, the bastard.

Okay, well, I'm going to center on the place where I see that fish and all of his other fish friends, and I'm going to cast reverse gravity. I will need the description on that one if you've got it. It reverses gravity in a 50-foot radius, 100-foot

high cylinder centered on a point within range. All creatures and objects that aren't somehow anchored to the ground in the area fall upward and reach the top of the area when he casts a spell. A creature can make a dexterity saving throw to grab onto a fixed object it can reach. Good luck. It's a lake.

If some solid objects such as a ceiling is encountered, blah, blah, blah. There's no ceiling. It will remain oscillating there for the duration at the top. Okay. A cylinder of water levitates out of the lake. several feet in front of the stern of the boat, which besides the front?

The left. The bow. The bow. I get them confused. Okay. The fucking front of the boat. I don't know why I had to get nautical on it. The sternum is the other side.

A 50-foot cylinder of water raises up out of the water. And inside that, you can see several small shapes still floating around. But one of them is clearly the big bass. That killed my best friend, Rascal. racked with guilt Taco lays back in the boat and said, Dad, do something with that.

Racked with guilt. I am going... Rascal was very evil. I'll just say it now. He had a whole turn at the end where it turned out that like, this is also the finale of the adventure zone

and he was going to be the big bad guy at the end of the end of the end. With my rapier, I'm going to leap at the fish and swim over to it. Okay. And I'm going to cut it open and save Rascal. You can't just say shit.

You let Justin echo locate. Let me save Rascal. This will be good for both of us. You can see how that would give Travis an unclear view of his abilities. You did let me echo locate. Okay, you jump into this 50-foot column of water. I also do want to point out this is not OOC. Everything I just said to you,

Magnus did say out loud. I'm going to jump at the fish. I'm going to swim in the water. I'm going to cut it over and I'm going to save that guy. Roll athletics to like represent your ability to jump into a column of water and swim to locate a fish. Like if it's low, I think you can't even open your eyes super good. It's a 13 total. All right.

Yeah, I think you can kind of get a beat on where this fish is, but you're going to have disadvantage on an attack. That's fine. Because you're fucking underwater trying to cut it open with a rapier. None of that is intended. Like none of that's how any. if that's a sister. I'm going to attack it. Okay. It's a 16 plus 10, 26.

And that disadvantage? Oh, that's a 3 plus 10. And then I'm going to... Usually you say action and search. If the end of this sentence isn't be devoured by a large vass, then you're lying to everybody here. I'm going to use precision strike. Okay. To add to an attack roll. All right.

That's a D8. A D8. Nope, sorry, D10. Excuse me. Jesus, no, that's worse. That's an eight. Okay. Plus, so 21 was the final rule.

Yeah, roll damage. That is a hit on a fish. That's a fish hit. As Magnus stabs his rapier through this fish, all of you see the words, fish on appear on your screen. And the music changes, and it's, like, really poppy and, like, upbeat now. I cut the fish open.

You can roll damage. You don't just cut a fucking fish open. I stab the dragon with a stick and it explodes. It's seven. Oh man, I should have used the flaming, raging poisoning sort of do. Yeah, but you didn't. All right. I don't have that yet, canonically.

You hurt the fish, and as you stab the fish, you see one heart float up and away from it and disappear. I stab it again. I get a second attack. All right. Still disadvantage. It's a 17. He really does roll like this. A nine.

Nine plus ten, nineteen. Yep, that's it. Little damage again. Cut it open. So two plus four, six. Okay, another heart floats up and away from this fish. It looks pretty bad off. Okay, and then I use my third attack.

Well, let's... It's 19. That's a one. Travis McElroy has rolled a one. You were here. Can you imagine? You were in the room. The room weren't happened.

Wait, wait, wait. I think I have something for this. Somebody take a picture of this. You don't. Good. You are... I thought that isn't that what the gambler's luck does? Not today, friend.

Okay. The fish, you stab it, and it goes like, and you stab it again, it's like, ooh-hoo. And then you try to stab it a third time, but your rapier kind of bins off at scales, and the fish goes, ooh-hoo-hoo. Oh, he likes that, doesn't he?

Yeah, he likes that, and he's nasty fucking fish. It turns and swallows you whole. Make a constitutional... No, it's not one of those things. Dad is here. He's here on stage. Don't expose him to this. Make a Constitution saving throw. Only his fucking dad can make jokes like that.

It's an 11 total, but I'm going to use... This I do have, indomitable, to roll that again. Yeah, roll it again. Can Justin and I play? It's a four. Okay, yeah, you, uh, you take... Four plus eight and a twelve. You take two hearts of damage.

How are you doing? Doing okay. Okay. I just die. And inside, you fucking, like, you're being eaten by a bass, and it's horrible, and, uh... Do I see rascal? You fucking eventually just see, like, rascal, like, poking out of its side, and it's been half sort of, like, added to the form of the fish, Akira style, and it's...

And he says, welcome to the jungle! As you are... Taco and Merle. What do you do? Fish in a floating cylinder of water. Somewhat hurt. You're in a boat. Honestly, I feel pretty good right now.

I'm kicking it. I made the column fly. That was great. Merle then. I cast banishment. I'm in it. You asshole. Okay. He's in the fish.

Remember? Remember? Remember this? I saved your damn life. You have to... The fish has to make a wisdom saving throw. A charisma. You get the fish a fucking charisma stat, plant. A fish has fins

so it can't make a throw. That's a critical failure. That's an actual one. If you wanted it banished, I could have banished it. I sent it to another plane of existence. Yeah, I know what you fucking do to it. Magnus, you feel yourself being whisked away to another dimension, I guess,

and you see, like, this fish also disappearing, and you see fucking rascal inside the fish guts wall just like, I'm free! And you are all disappeared, and as you disappear, the lives counter drops down to three, and then the tooltip pops up again, and it says, catch a big bass, to proceed, and then that tool to it because you fucking like...

No way, I could... Bethesda broken the fucking game starts to glitch out. Where does banishment send them? I guess I get to choose the plane of existence. I think in this situation, because you're

in a virtual reality simulation, the game doesn't know how to reconcile this, and so just the entire environment around you just kind of like glitches out because you fucked up the game and broke it so badly. So I won. You're back in that sort of

black space again and Magnus reforms next to you and then all of a sudden there's... Seems familiar. You all are back in that hallway that you were just walking through that froze up. I didn't expect it to go

like that. What did you expect to happen? You to catch a fucking fish in the fish mini game! Is that Am I out of my mind? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To give them a fucking fishing mini game. Taco makes it for the lake float.

Travis jumps in with a rapier like, let's get it done. And then dad makes the fucking shit teleport away. Welcome. Welcome to the Adventure Zone, Griffin. As you come back in the chat, people are just spamming in it, and they're just saying, fish boys. And Lucas says Big Bass Challenge

God, I haven't played that game in years. Wait, hold on. Are we streaming this on Twitch? He says, how did you end up there? That doesn't make any sense. I think there might be something wrong with the simulation. I'm going to pull you out. And then there's a pause. And then the three of you feel something unpleasant.

Not here in the virtual world. You don't take any damage or anything like that. but you feel your bodies experiencing pain, almost like you're experiencing a powerful electric shot. Shock, rather. I've drank almost this whole bottle of wine tonight. And then as you experience this, shock, the chat updates again. And this time it's with a message from the Dimmelich Asariac who says,

Not today, friend. Does he say it in that voice? It's chat, so it doesn't say it in any voice. And then as this litch comments in the thread, the chat is flooded with messages from everyone, all saying in unison, WTF. L.O.L. And I think right there we're going to take an intermission real quick

so we can all run to the bathroom and so you all can run to the bathroom. We'll be right back in 10 minutes to finish the adventure. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin Macquarie, a dungeon master, your best friend, and your space cowboy. I've been watching a lot of Cowboy Bebop lately. for listening to The Adventure Zone. This is our live show from San Diego, a San Diego Comic-Con event. Thank you all to everybody who came out. We had a lot of fun. This is one of my favorite live shows that we've done so far. I really liked running the Tomb of Horrors, and I really liked trying to make it not completely inaccessible and needlessly punishing. We are going to be moving on to an experimental, one of our experimental arcs for the next episode that goes up. And that first arc is,

is going to be run by Dad, and it is going to be a sort of superhero story that we are going to be playing using the Fate System. I'm really, really excited. We've started doing our character work, putting together the characters, and Dad's been doing a ton of work on the world, and so we are really excited to get started. I think the first episode is going to be kind of a shorter sort of setup episode where we kind of explain the game and our characters and what this world is, and then I think the plan is a week after that to have our first, like, proper episode in this world.

And again, these are just going to be like short experimental. arcs as we try to get our footing and learn some new stuff about other games. We're going to be doing a few of these, probably for a long time, while we figure out what we want to really invest our time in and present to you, the listener, as the full second season of the story. So I would ask that you please be patient with us. It is not going to be, like, as rich and, like, I don't know, wonderful a world as as Adventure Zone balance was there at the end.

So if it rubs you the wrong way, I would ask that you just be patient and let us try to figure it out. And if it doesn't do it for you, just stick around a month or so. And then we will be moving on to the next experimental arc. We've been talking a lot about what we're going to be doing. And I am super, super, super excited to get started doing this stuff. I think we're going to make some stories and some worlds that you all are going to be really into. So again, that first world building episode, I believe the plan is for that to go up on October 5th with the next regularly scheduled episode. and then I think a week after that,

we're going to have our first proper episode of Dad's short sort of experimental superhero story, and we're going to be doing that for just a couple or a few episodes before we move on to sort of the next experiment. I'm really excited to get started. So let's move on to the advertisements. Got a personal message here. This one's for Stu, and it's from Joey Naf, socks, and our sweet boy, Zavorous, or Zebores,

who say, happy birthday to our favorite vapor. We actually, God, how can you choose? We actually forgot when your birthday was, but let's face it, the macaroys weren't going to hit the mark anyways. True. So it all works out. Also, Griffin, you have to grind your good, good, under-leveled Pokemon when you're in a Nuslock run. And please check the movesets before you stone-evolved Pokemon willy-nilly. Much love.

That was a fucking year ago. I don't need pro-tips on my NusLock run that ended a year ago. Also, it's less fun if I over-level them. It's more fun if things go wrong. but thank you for the advice, but stay in your fucking lane. Here's another message, and it's for Dave Train, and it's from not Dave Train, who says, Dave Train, but really draw it out and say it excitedly,

like you haven't seen him in a while. Oh, okay, let me try again. Dave Train! I hope that that suits your dark needs, Dave Train. Thank you all for listening to The Adventure Zone. Thanks for tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. really important that you share the show with a friend. If they are into this kind of stuff and maybe they didn't listen to the balance arc at all,

go turn them onto the show. It means a lot. Things are going to get kind of weird here for a bit and we want to make sure that, you know, folks are still listening even while we're trying out all this new stuff. So you sharing the show really, really, really means a lot to us, especially right now as we sort of try to find out what we want to do next. Go check out Maximumphan.com.org. They've got a ton of good shows on there that are free to listen to.

I'm talking about shows like One Bad Mother, lady to lady, stop podcasting yourself, Judge John Hodgman, and so many more at Maximumfund.org. If you want to hear other podcasts that we do, like a new show that I do with my wife, Rachel, called Wonderful, where we just talk about good stuff that we're enthusiastic about and stuff that you're enthusiastic about, that's all at mackleroyshows.com,

and you can see all of our videos and stuff we do there also. That's going to do it for this ad break. Again, the next episode is going to go up on October 5th, and it is going to be sort of a world-building episode for Dad's Experimental Game. And then we should have another episode up really soon after that. So we're about to get rolling on trying out some new stuff, and I'm psyched out of my mind, and I hope you can get excited about it too. So I will talk to you then. Bye.

No, we don't get to do that twice. This is our first time take... No. Oh, Justin's filming, I guess. In case my children and grandchildren are watching us in the future. This is intermission. They cheered way more. They cheered way more in the intro.

The first time they came out, they went bananas. I didn't film that, sweetie. We've never, okay. Could you all say, here's what I want everyone to do. Okay. And then they, and then they, then they stop. They stopped so we could finish the show. I'm going to count down three to one.

And after I say one, I want everyone in unison to say, hi, Charlie. Are you ready? Okay, you ready? Who's Charlie? Three. And the cats in the cradle and the cradle of us

three two, wine. Thank you. That's very good. I would do it for my daughter but she doesn't care about y'all.

We've never taken She's a jock. Oh, please let me say this sentence. We've never taken an intermission before in the show and like an hour before we started we were like,

what if we peed during an intermission? Instead of spending the last, like, 30 minutes of the podcast, like, go, go, go, go, go, go, kill him, kill him, do it. Then they killed a guy, and then they rolled some dice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, bye, right. During the Austin show, all four of us had to pee so bad

that, like, Travis would, like, miss on an attack, and we'd be like, no! Okay, let's get back into it. The three of you hear Lucas say, okay, so something bad is happening. for some reason I'm unable to pull you out of the simulation Not like this

He says listen Very good Very good and very timely He says if you clear this dungeon The simulation should just boot you out by default So I think your best bet is to just keep pressing on and try to make some progress What I want right now is to picture this

Whatever the UI Whatever the HUD is Magnus just slowly pointing at the lifetime three, like... Yeah. He says, no, I know it's not great. Just like, be better. He says, just like, do better, I guess.

Did you program any extra lives? Any mushrooms? Any mushrooms we can find? He says... He says, actually, that's a good idea. Hold on. Let me see what I can do. And then the words fucking game. genie detected appears. And then the UI

like static saty. He's like, I tried to use the game genie. It didn't work. The game gym. The what? Game gym. It's what because in D&D there's gens. No, it's too late.

You had your chance. You behaved appropriately. As he tries to use the game genie Killer Killian pops up in a chat and she's like low casual. What the hell are you people talking about. It's called video games, old man. Yeah, get with the time. In my day... They're not just

Pac-Man anymore. I would like to hear about back in Dad's Day. Can we take a brief? We didn't loll. Wait. The three of you enter into a long chamber about 10 feet wide and you're standing on a landing. That's fun. You're standing on a landing over a 10-foot deep pit with a cobblestone floor. You really got Dad with that one. He's just never seen you have fun before. This bottle of wine was just in our green room.

Not anymore. It's empty. The three of you enter into a long chamber. I did that part. The 10-foot deep pit with a cobblestone floor. This pit stretches about 50 feet before ending with another landing, about 10 feet up, on the far end of the room. And atop that landing, you can see an exit to this chamber with torches on either side.

Basically, you are standing in front of a 10-foot-deep, 50-foot-long pit with a cobblestone floor. And across the 50-foot span, you can see a landing on the other side with an exit to this chamber. What do you do? I hand taco the end of my rope. And I say, hold on to this. Then I use my grappling hook to get to the landing. Okay. Okay.

Okay. You're going to throw your grappling hook 50 feet? No, my grappling hook, shoot. It doesn't throw. Oh, that's right, that's right. I forgot. You had some Darkwing duck shit. Yeah.

Yeah, fuck it. All right. Make a range attack roll. Roll a D20. Straight up. No bonuses. I don't think I have to, I think my grappling.

Yeah, but go ahead and roll a D20. That's an eight. No. Hold on. That's like having a sword that I have to roll to see if it stays a sword. The grappling hook just does it. What do you mean?

Mm. You tried it. And everyone heard you try it And they're very impressed with you trying it But it didn't work Don't patronize him If it makes you feel anybody If you had succeeded I would have made like a fucking lion

Up here and eat the rope or something You're a we So the pit is below us Is that right? That's how pits usually work, yeah I thought we were in the pit Allret Never mind

No, no, no, it's below you So 50 foot wide Yeah, 50 foot long landing on the other side. Yep. Is there anything on the ceiling? Anything hanging from the ceiling? Any...

No. They're just... It's not a fucking Ninja Warrior, like... So... Although, hold on. Next Live show. Ninja Warrior...

Okay. So, it's just a big open... Yeah, it's a 50-foot-long pit. Boy, you boys are real spooked by the Tomb of Horrors, huh? Okay, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I know this one. Oh.

It's leap of faith. Okay. We've already done Wednesday, Indiana, Joe's joke. Christ, please follow that. No, we only have three lives left. I'm not doing that joke. Please do the joke. No.

Travis. Come on, Trammy, do the joke. If I do it. Joke. If I do it, will you give me the life back? I won't kill you. All right, fuck it. I go running at the...

The pit. All right. You just jump right in? Yeah. All right. Roll acrobatics. Let's see if you land on your feet. I have a pretty good acrobatics.

18 plus 8.26. Yeah, you land... 18 plus 9. 27. You land all cool at the bottom of the pet, and it's fine. Come on down. Pits great. Okay, I go down in the pit too.

All right. It's cool. Wait, make him roll. Did you just climb down or what do you do? No, I catch him. He's fine. expand the umber staff, he's feather falls. Yeah, yeah, he feather follows. That's cool.

Okay. Merle jumps, so Magnus will catch him. Magnus roll... A catching attack. I choose you, Merle. That's a 16. I caught him. Yeah, you caught him real good. All right. As, uh...

I used a master ball. What? As you... Wait, I have to know what he just said. I used a master ball. is a Pokemon reference. I've been trying to get you to fucking play Pokemon my entire child, teen, and adult life.

That and drink whiskey. Yeah, at the same time. Those are two weird things to try to get your dad to do. Yeah, tell me about it. I just wish why God drank more. As you step, as you catch Merle's weight at the bottom of the pit, you hear a loud... I don't catch him.

Kachunk. That's not how this is. You hear a loud kachunk and you, feel the floor of this pit drop down like just a half inch or so but you all definitely feel the floor below you just so

slightly drop down. Nothing happens but you feel it does a little bit. Okay, still fine. I pick him up again. I drop him again. Still good, still great. This is science people. Yeah. It's super not how science and weight works but okay.

You are all on the cobblestone floor of this pit and you felt the floor drop below. You have a 50 foot span forward. What do you do? I cast... 50 foot. Heroes feast. How much did it drink? Yeah, right. I'm just going to start walking forward. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, I'm walking forward. Cool. I'm going to start walking forward. You die! No, you're fine. Yeah, you're all fine. You all can walk to the end of this pit to where the landing is. Hey, Gerville. It's a real shitty, Tray. Oh, good. Thank you, Travi.

I like to give him a little something, you know. I climb up to the landing. Okay, roll a athletics check, Taco. That's probably dexterity. Probably athletics. Or acrobatics, if you want to, like, you know, acrobatically move up. Yeah, it's acrobatics. That's good. Sweet flips. No, I'm...

No, that's, you're just, that's pandering. Now, three, eight. No, I got nothing. That's three rolls in a row that would have failed. I was going to go with the first one, but I'm just saying it would have been. Do you want to try my loaded dice? All three of you make a dexterity saving throw. Son of a bitch.

Wait, what? Yeah. Now that's 16 for hoops. Ooh, mine is deck saving throw? 15. 14. Plus. Shit.

Plus one. Oh, plus one? For 15? Okay. Taco, as you kind of lift your weight up off the floor as you try to climb it, the floor pops back up into place. And as it does, like a million spikes, eject out of the left and right walls. And all three of you just happen to be in all the right places as the spikes shoot out around you and then retract back into the walls as you fall off the wall and put your pressure back down on the floor.

I do I just want everyone to picture this scene we see tacos start to climb and Merlin Magnus just step backwards Oh no no it's the entire 50 foot span of the pit You all are all but we don't get hit You don't get hit by these spikes it's fucking weird yeah Okay so we live in the pit now What do you boys do about the pit

it's a bad pit is can we see any kind of the back wall of the pit starts moving in forward towards you fuck you guys this is for this is for rascal it's 40

what are the walls made out of cobblestone it's 40 feet away got it I'm going to aim my axe at the brakes and the cobblestone and wedge it. I'm going to wedge it in where the floor and the wall meet.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can do that. If you do that, you'll lose the axe. That's fine. I have a flaming, raging poison X order to do. Okay. I have that now. I didn't before. Roll... 20! Oh, okay, yeah, that's good.

That's the best number that there is. You use your, you use the head of your axe to sort of wedge in... It's not real. Wedge in below the wall and the floor. There's a little gap there when you drop the floor down, and you can get it there and hold the floor down.

Okay, let's climb out. The back wall is now 30 feet away. We're climbing out. Do the fucking things then with the dice. What is that? Athletics? Yes, or acrobatics. 17.

17 for me as well. Taco and Magnus get up. 30 feet away. One for Clint. One for Clint. Hawana for Clint. Juan. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Dad, you get like halfway up and you fall out so bad that the axe becomes unwedged and the floor tops up, make a dexterity saving throw with disadvantage because you're on, you're back! Can I use my grappling hook? I don't know what people are cheering for. I think somebody says something very funny in the audience.

That's my dad, yeah, and I'll fucking kill him in a second. To be fair, if Gervyn kills him, he becomes out of the family, and gets all of our riches! So... Roll again, you have disadvantage. Disadvantage. Yeah, that means you do

poorly. The one! That's a one! one. That's a one. That's another one on that one. Jesus Christ. He's fine. You get lit the fuck up by these spikes this time. You are not in the right place.

And they just get you all over. You take three hearts worth of damage. Are you still alive? Yeah, actually, it's four hearts. He's one heart left. But you are prone and on the floor and in a bad shape and the back wall is now 10 feet away. Can I grappling hook

Merle's arm? His wooden arm with a very good roll you can. Wait, wait, wait, wait, it's not your turn, isn't? Oh, do you just want to die? Is that it? Because you're rolling ones left and right. Do you want someone with a hot hand to fix it?

You and Merle's arm are not a good combination. All right, fine. You know what? You can die. Let me set the stakes. You got one more action and then you're going to be crushed by the wall. What do you do to save yourself in this situation?

I mean, I have a magic grappling hook, but who are you talking for? too. Well, I climb out of the pit. All right, do it again. Leaking blood like a sieve. No, it's a 14.

Total? At your dexterity? Oh, yeah, I have to add my dexterity. 14! Can I help him? Yes, roll plus strength. You try to grab him. Oh, plus strength?

Then that is. is the 17. Okay, yeah. You reach down and pull him up just as the spike shoot out. And I just stare at him. Just barely missing your feet as the back wall comes in

and crushes up against the wall and you are saved. Yeah. Thank you, Travis. My name is Magnus. As you move through the door on the landing that's sort of flanked by these torches,

you see that same odd phenomenon happen again. The flames freeze and quickly the hallway that you're entering starts to flicker and glitch out and suddenly the simulation's just gone and you are standing in darkness and then a large square of light

appears on the floor in front of you and some lights overhead kick on illuminating a stage that the three of you are standing on and in front of you is an audience of thousands of screaming fans which I wrote here and I realize now I promise I didn't think about the reality

of saying that sentence out loud on this stage and in front of them is a small riser where you can see a judge sitting behind a desk. And the lights are in your eyes. You can't quite see their face, but you can see the title of this game as it appears in a stylish font in front of you. And the title is, move, move, celebration.

And the judge says, okay, who's going to be dancing for us today? Merle? Well, I am pretty, adept at interpretive jazz dance which will make for some great podcasting. But you do have to act it out for real. Are you all nominating Merle for this task?

Bring it. I think that's the funniest choice. Yeah, it's a funny choice. Merle, you step forward. You see this silhouette of this judge motion you towards the glowing square on the floor. Don't blow it. What if you only had one shot?

Okay. Merle does that. Okay. Man, wouldn't it be great of eight miles a dance movie? That would have made that joke way funnier. Yeah. Every little bit helps.

If only anybody had ever made a dance movie, you could reference. Hey, get out there and stomp the yard. Yeah. You can do it, honey. As you step... Oh, Jesus. Travis just made a honey reference

during our 2017 Adventure Zone live show. As you step onto that glowing square, some blistering fast techno music starts pounding through some massive speakers hanging overhead. And then all of a sudden, they're... The ecstasy! All of a sudden, there are glowing arrows all over you

illuminated on the floor, showing you the steps of an incredibly demanding dance. Roll, we've literally never used this skill before, performance. Please. He is neutral on this. 13. I don't know why I'm reading off Dad's numbers. He can read.

Are there just numbers? Wait, I have a plus one in performance. That's a 14. Are there just more, there are just too many, there's like a lot of buttons for him. There's a lot of arrows on the floor for him to. And we can't help him, right?

You absolutely can and should help your dad. Well, wait. Seems like if he had more legs to help him. If only I knew someone with four legs. This is good. Are you whippers? I cast Phantom Steed. Yo.

It's time to dance. Let's do it. Garel is a, if you've never listened, is a beautiful binaquin, is rainbow colored and he's I created him from my heart. All of a sudden, the title of the game

pops up again, and only this time it says dressage, dressage celebration. Merle, roll again with advantage this time, because technically you have double the legs as you mount triple. Triple. No?

Not making contact with the ground, but if someone with two legs get on someone with four. All right, roll the dice three times. You have double advantage. He's going to need it. Twelve. Two. Four. Come on.

Wait, use my regular dice. Don't get your funk on it. 12. Wait, that was Travis's dice. It doesn't count. What the fuck? Two. Two.

You know what? I am trying my best. The audience? The audience? No, Dad, you stand right there. The audience, booze. And a wave of arrows. But then the audience remembers that dad took care of Griffin.

Look. what you did. Come on. Our elderly dad. Are you going to take off your pants? A belt fellow. As the audience booze, a wave of arrows comes shooting out of the audience.

So I don't really have to dance. And hit you for two hearts of damage. He is dead. Merle explodes in a shower of... Now come back. Merle explodes in a shower of pixels in the life counter drops down to two. I'm assuming the a arrow shoot right through Geryl who's just like nice.

He's a phantom seat. He's totally cool. But Geryl says, I'm fine. Can I do one for Geryl to see if he finishes the challenge? Yes, if your phantom seed wants to roll for themselves. That's a 16. The audience goes wild for

Gerole. MVP, most valuable pony, Geryl. That's a new movie with Matt LeBlanc coming out. The audience stands up and like, the judge stands up and like cuts the audience off from their cheering and turns. And there's a floodlight,

a spotlight above that comes up and you can see their face and they're crying. And they say, Geryl. Yo. I don't know how I know your name. But you're going to Hollywood and he holds up a ticket.

A beautiful golden ticket Hey, that sounds cool In lieu of the ticket Could I just have some oats? And as you say that The audience starts just throwing oats On to the stage, showering gerald and oats And the oats are just hitting Merle in his fucking face

It's like 19 years, I raised you, paid your bill. Yes, that's 19 years like food on your table. Put food on your table. You know Griffin's 30, right? Did you just check out after 19? Seeing me again at the live show?

He set out to find his purpose. As the stage has flooded in oats, this scene freezes, and some of the oats freeze in midair, and it looks so cool. And then this scene dissipates, and suddenly you're back in that hallway, walking out of the spike trap room, and

a syriac pops into the chat again and says, nice moves, Geryl. Impressive. Thank you. Wait, is Geryl's still there? No, Geryl's not here, because it was... Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, sure. Why not? Nice.

And then, Boy, Detective 15 pops in the chat and says, Can someone ban a seriac? But nobody does. And you hear Lucas's voice again, and he says, listen, I... I don't know why you keep ending up in other games, but you're really close to the end now. Just keep pushing forward. starts running. Okay.

Taco's obviously writing, Garel, this isn't even a question. You approach a long set of stairs and at the top see an imposing door. Behind it, your shirt is a Syriac's chambers. The doors at the top of the stairs are 14 feet wide, 28 feet tall. They're made of solid mithril,

three feet thick and impregnated... Gross. ...and impregnated with great magics in order to make them absolutely spell and magic proof. Fuck you, Taco. You slowly put the hole thrower

back in his pocket. He'd like already got it out. Where these doors meet at about waist height is a cup-like depression. A hemispherical Jesus. A hemispherical concavity. Just stick with cup like depression,

Gary. Fucking dork. A cup-like depression, a hemispherical concavity with a central hole. What do you do? I knock on the door. Politeness

Nothing happens Damn it Did we have any cups That we didn't know about No It's a cup like It's a depression in the door There's a little hole in the door

How big? Whole shade I jam the scepter in it Fuck yeah Make a touch it I have the scepter And that's not how it is It's not like that

You know how it actually goes Do I like the sex tape? Okay, this is a scepter. It's not dirty. It's a scepter into the hole. He did, if I may I explain it. This is an audio medium. Justin formed a circle with the one hand

and then extended his index finger and inserted said finger into the circle in a gesture of insertion. into a door that was already impregnated. Okay, bye! That's gonna do it first. Wait. I just want to read how bad it could have gotten.

If Justin, I swear to God, I didn't think you would remember that you had gotten a scepter an hour ago. If the door is attacked by force, it will not budge, but if it's scratched your nick, it will turn red in that spot, and begin to gush blood. The blood of all those who have died in the tomb, flow will cascade down the steps and begin to fill it. It fills the fucking room and then there's like

a page of like if you try to solve it this way, you die. If you try to solve it this way you die. If you try to burn to blood it turns to poison gas and you die instantly. The tomb of horrors is fucked up. Did Jim Jones write this

particular game? The massive doors swing open. And you enter the dimlyitch's chamber. Hell yeah. I think this is the perfect time here. to tell everyone that we have a graphic novel coming out. Oh yeah, fuck.

We're just to do this right after we started. We've forgotten now twice. So before we do this, next part. As you leave, everybody here's going to be able to get a pack of the adventure zone gum. Yeah. And that is from our friends...

We made it just for you all. Like literally, just for you guys. It's from our friends at first second who are publishing the graphic novel adaptation, which you can now get You can now get at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or at the Adventure Zonecom. And each of the packs of gum has an exclusive little comic, like a Bazooka Joe comic, starring Angus McDonald. So that's for the graphic novel.

It's the first arc, The Adventure Zone, Here There Be Gurblands, which was illustrated by Carrie Peach, who is so fucking talented. And that is out July 17, 2018. And so if you're not here and you're hearing this now, if you pre-order the graphic novel, and you send your receipt, like a picture of a receipt, online to the Adventure Zone Comic.com. You can get all of the Bazooko Comics in the gum. But Dad wrote them.

Dad wrote the comics. There's three different versions you can get. One featuring Merle, one featuring Magnus, one featuring Taco. All of them have Angus in it. So Morgan and Jeremy are going to be out there. I think they're in first, second shirts. So everybody just please take one pack.

They have big bags full of gum. They're going to be the only ones with big gum bags. Yeah. But make sure you check in with them as you're leaving so you can go and grab that from them. The massive doors swing shut behind you as you under the dimmilich's chamber. A wide red carpet leads you down from the entrance

into this room and towards a staircase that climbs five feet and up to a dais. Flanking the carpet are six stone columns, three on each side. Atop the dais is a throne made of large twisted bones. And the arms of the throne are capped with gold-plated iron. And sitting on that throne is a skull

and it's completely motionless. You hear Lucas trying to communicate with you, but he's breaking up so bad now that you can't make out what he's saying. And in the lower right corner of your vision, a message appears saying, users have been disconnected from chat. What do you do?

It's not real. That's fucking scary. Don't, hey, come on. Let them have their moment. I guess I reboot. Usually. Yeah. And take the cartridge out and blow in it. Don't do that. Oh, no, you get your spit. You got put your t-shirt over it and then blow through it.

Oh, is that right? Mm-hmm. What do you do? assholes. I cast detect traps now that we've been through the entire thing. There's no traps. Perfect. I shoot

an arrow at the skull. Roll, attack roll, a row and arrow. Why is everybody talking like Thirst and Howell the Third? That's from Gilligan's Island. Not great. 16.

That's enough. It's a fucking skull. It doesn't dodge? The skull explodes in a puff of ash. But... But... But... But... No.

No, it doesn't do that, actually. No, but, but, but... A cloud of black smoke begins to pour out of the cracks between the... I wrote the throne bones here, which is gross. I step behind taco. And it hovers menacingly above the dais, and suddenly it starts to take form. And it forms a long...

tattered black robe and as it waves about you see a half decomposed body within. This dimmy litch form though it doesn't have a head but something starts to pop out of the top of the rope get ready on that musical cube by the way. Taking the place that should be where the head is it's a computer monitor and after forming the tubes inside click on and you see a simple pixelated face appear on the screen and a voice inside the monitor says I'm hot Podge, the Buddy Box. Thanks for playing my deadly game.

Didn't you think Lucas's training program was more enjoyable with higher stakes? Yeah. Congratulations on making it this far. Unfortunately, you've reached the end of the line. Goodbye. Let's roll initiative. So we get to fight some shit? Yeah.

Fourteen. You can fit that music out whenever you want. Seven for the kid. For hoops. Oh, I have advantage. You sure do. That was a four. Good. You get to do it again.

You all doubt my prowess. And that's a six. It's nice that you're so consistent. Lee Bed. No, I love you so much. Magnus, what did you run? Oh, it's my dad. I love him. Magnus, what did you roll real quick? Tell me.

I rolled 14. All right. Hodgepodge is up first. Hodgepodge gets two actions. On its first action, it aims at Magnus and shoots a necrotic beam in your direction. I am standing behind Taco. Taco, the beam hits you.

21 versus AC? Yep, that hits. You take two hearts worth of damage. Hachimachi. How's Taco doing? Still pretty good, right? I mean, he's got one heart. All right?

No, wait. wait. He died. Oh. He only had one heart left. Oh, yeah. Anyway, good fight, everybody. Take- Wait, so the hearts don't regenerate everything.

No. Tago explodes into a shower of pixels and the counter at the top of the screen now says... One. Taco, you reappear in the center of the room. That's one more, though, so... Next up, I need all of you to make a wisdom saving throw. Which will have advantage on, thank you, Dad.

Thank God. I rolled 18. Clinton rolled an at 20. He's the smartest man. And I just injured my shoulder, stretching out like that. Taco, how'd you do? Seven for the kid. Taco disappears.

Oh, well. With advantage? Win some, lose some. Magnus, you're up next. Wait, did that lose a life, or I just disappeared? No, you didn't lose the life. You just disappeared. Okay, cool.

I, let me look at all my spell cards. I'm going to attack him with the flaming, raging, poisoning sword of doom. All right. Do that shit. 21? Yeah, that'll hit this one.

And then... It does 20 bonus damage, I think? Yeah, 24. Total. It's a very good sword. It's a very good sword. It's a 3 plus 24, 27. Can we top side...

Stop side talking. Yeah. 27. You see three hearts float up and away from this litch form as you hit it with the flaming raging poisoning sort of doom. You know what? Let me check. I'm going to attack it again.

Do it again, yeah. Did we talk about how, have we put any limitations on the raging flaming poisoning sort of? No, fuck. Try it. All right. So Nat 20. So that's going to be damaged twice? It's a four?

It doesn't do the fucking 20. or fire damage twice, though. I think it does. So that's 48 plus 7. 55 damage?

It is a very, very good sort. You see five hearts float up and away from the Lich Forum. And then I'll use my third attempt to 17 plus 10, 27. That one misses. It's fucked up. It's only one damage, so it's 25 total.

I want you to picture Magnus doing this very calmly and methodically. Okay, two hearts float away from the Litch Hodgepodge, and as they do, the form crumbles into ash. And then the throne of bone collapses, and the Dimmie Litch Hodgepodge appears, once again in front of you. I'm going to action, sir. Jesus Christ.

And I'm going to attack again. Okay. It's a one. That means 101 points of damage. I'm not. And that's just, okay. Okay. Taco, you're up next. Taco. You're up next. Taco. You were teleported away. Yep. And now you're sitting in the back of a boat of a serene lake. And joining you this time on the boat is a big bass who is sitting at the back of the boat with a big floppy hat on and a fin on the motor in the same position Rascal was in before.

And he looks at you and he goes... And as you look around, like, this scene actually looks really fucked up. Like, the trees are upside down all around the coast. and there's like no sun in the sky and the sky is red and like the water is moving in a weird glitchy way where there's like a wave and then it'll freeze and there's another way.

And the fish goes and motions you towards a fishing rod and tackle box at the front of the boat. And as you look in that direction you see something poking out of the water. It's a big floppy hat. And then it's Rascal's face only it's huge

and kind of monstrous and he screams and splashes back down into the water rocking your boat and in front of you big words appear that say catch one big bass to proceed only the words big bass glitch out and are replaced with the words rascal

what do you do? Yeah, that one I like Yeah Okay I'm going to cast Maze on Rascal I don't know what that means but I know it's not going to be good

So the You, okay I just describe what happens to Rascal I have banished Rascal to a labyrinthine Demy plane Oh not Rascal He is there until he can't escape He can use his

action to attempt an escape and if it succeeds it makes a DC20 intelligence check. If it succeeds it escapes and the spell ends a Minotaur automatically succeeds but I assume

Rascal is not a net 20 for Rascal solving the infinity maze well that's very fine but it wasn't his turn it was my turn so get in the maze Okay, Rascals up next. Okay.

He rolled a net 20 on a skirm. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nice try. That is a 19 versus whatever your shit is. It's a 20. So close, yet so far, you're waiting. 20-ish. Used up that 20 magic when you didn't, when your turn.

He got to the end and he was like, I did it. And then he was like, well, let's hold off. He's having some trouble negotiating the mace because his body is just a big fish body and so it's taking him a long time to flop around and so now you're just on a boat with a big fish This is good

This is fine And the fish puts a fin on your shoulder and goes Hey, fins to the left Finish the lyric Jimmy Buffett I have a sore spot right here Finns to the left A little bit more to the left

Oh you got it I guess next in the order is Merle back in the fight with the Demilich. Merle cast Guardian of Faith. All right. But wait. There's more. Just when the gigantic spirit form of Deloresse materializes, he uses the strong mouse amulet, which allows him to make a bridge.

Brilliant jape. Oh, Jesus. This is going to tank. You can't call your shot like this, Babe Ruth. Why? Why? He takes like 25 freaking turns. Do it, do it, do it. What's your joke?

And again, if it fails, you'll die. Well, I think we'll leave it up to the audience to decide if it's a great jape or not. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is important. Don't patronize them. If you don't like it, just stay silent. It's got to be fair. Hey, and can we start saying that before all our live show jokes?

Don't fucking patronize us. Only be legit now. It's all my God. So this gigantic Deloresse forms in the skies. Here's the deal. So what's the deal with all these gigantic Deloress angels? I say to the gigantic deliris, touch them my angel! No, come on.

That was very loud. And also not fix it. That was nothing. Yeah, okay, you don't die. So what happens now? I don't remember. I just came up with it. Hachy-Machi.

The Litch Hodgepodge starts to lose its form after you hit it with this like attack that it was weak to. What is your joke now, Merle? What is your hot one-liner now as hodgepodge the litch starts to lose its composure in front of you? And I'm saying this because it's almost 1230 in the fucking morning.

You have one chance My touch wasn't my touch No another one I demand it Litches get stitches Hodgepaj's spectral form Rears up and his hands are thrown to his side And bolts of electricity starts coursing through his body And it looks like he's about to explode

In a truly spectacular fashion And then your vision just turns blue And an error log pops up and through that you see Hodgepodge collapsed to the floor anti-climaxically. And the chat reappears with a chorus of users all saying, Gigi. And suddenly, the three of you are awake and lying down in Lucas's lab and you feel a uniquely unpleasant sensation

as whatever device was connecting you to this virtual world attaches itself from the back of your head. And there's Lucas, and he's grimacing, kind of awkward, and he says, you guys aren't going to let me do science to you anymore, are you? Did I do that? And that's the end of the adventure today on the Adventures Online. Thank you all for joining us.

Get your gum. Grab your gum on the way out. We'll see you next time. Get your gum, get your gum. We're doing our signing at Booth, 2,800 tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, we're going to assign. And also, a company called Cut So made my outfit, and I like it a lot. Thank you.

We love you. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott, Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Camp, Lori Metcalf, Felice,

Alicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage, Paul Shear, Ben Schwartz, Skyler Aston, May Whitman, James-Mely, Nicole Bynne, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalkin, Steve Aegee, Jane Levy, Allison, Nicholette, Danielle Nicholette, Edwitt, Ed Week, Zach Knight, and Carrie and many more listen at maximum fun dot org iTunes or wherever you download podcasts. Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfundstore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? Maxfundstore.com because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours.