The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in San Francisco!

Episode Date: July 26, 2018

Our heroes receive a letter from an old friend requesting their aid on the open seas. Spurred on by the promise of incredible treasures, Tres Horny Boys set sail -- but what dangers await them beneath the ocean's waves? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hi, San Francisco. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. I was about to start introducing us, but everybody here's dressed like our characters, so I think that would be unnecessary. Oh, wait, real quick, before we get started, before we're getting to anything, can we get some house lights up, please?

Yeah, I want to see that cosplay. If you're in cosplay, stand up. Shit, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You wild ass. Oh, yeah.

Okay, now we haven't done this before, but if you think you are dressed as the most deep cut, esoteric characters, stay standing up. Boilin. We got a boilin. We got a fantasy Costco. We got somebody dressed up as the fantasy Costco.

We got a boy fish. There's a Stephen up there. Yeah. Very good. Yeah, yes. All right. Let's get those house lights off. I'm shaking with fear.

Ding, ding. Oh, there they go. And there they're gone. Just me and my 20 closest friends. It's imperative that you all don't yell things at the stage during the show. We've never announced that at the beginning of the show. But a lot of people want to yell suggestions for cool spells. They want to yell the rules.

And we don't do cool spells. Well, Justin does. They want to yell the rules of D&D. We used to have somebody in our first couple live shows. We actually appointed what do we call? called the Archivist, which was somebody to sit in the audience with the D&D players handbook and correct us on the rules. What the fuck were we thinking? Yeah. We would do an hour and a half and 88 minutes of it was the person correcting us. Yeah, I remember when we stopped because at a

show we did in L.A., the archivist was tragically wedgied to death. And we'll always remember you, Dylan. Wherever you may be, I presume hell. but thank you for all your help. Also, that's not going to be a cool watch for them. Yeah, that's not fun for them. They paid their money. All right, I'm in basically a corset, so let's move it along. All right, let's get started.

Your adventure begins, as almost all of our live adventures begin, with a letter. You each received it in the mail several days ago. It's been nearly a year. spoilers for Tasbalance since the day of story and song and still your, it was a rough day y'all, you don't got to cheer for that. And still your inboxes remain in a constant state

of being blown up. But this letter caught your eye solely because of who sent it. It read, Hey, gang, it's your captain here. Caputport. Your former captain, I should say. You've all been off my payroll for some time, but I hope you still have some.

some fondness for me, because I've got kind of a big ask for you today. I've fallen into a spot of trouble. See, I've run up some debts with some unsavory characters all across the sword coast, and they've come to collect. I'm a bit low on liquid assets at the moment, which, as you can imagine, they're not terribly pleased about. Fortunately, I've found a way to take care of the situation. No, Taco, it doesn't involve killing all of them in a huge and fiery explosion. I've found a way to pay them back and then some. During my many travels on the waters of this wonderful world, I've found a sunken ship that's chock full of treasure for the taking. Hark! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to recover it on my own. I sail by myself most of the time,

and though my yacht is a capable vessel, hoisting wreckage is a bit above my considerable capabilities. So I'm writing in the hopes that you'll be willing to sail with me back out to the wreckage. No. No. Thanks for coming, everybody. Thanks to the Warfield. I love you, Chaventisco. I hope you'll be willing to sail with me back out to the wreckage and recover it as a team for old time's sake.

And money? Once I pay back money. We're not talking. This is a letter. And money? It's actually a magic letter. Like the Harry Potter magic letters? Uh-huh.

Uh, once I pay back my debtors, you're welcome to split the remainder. It should be enough, more than enough for each of you to buy your own boats, if you wish. I cannot recommend it enough. There are a few investments in this life that are wiser than buying a big, big boat. I'll be casting off from the docks at West Break in three days. I sincerely hope you all will be aboard when I do. Your friend, Davenport. I'm already there.

Okay. I know what he said, but he's... Hear me out. I have another plan. We find all the pirates that he owes money to, and we kill them all in a fiery explosion. Now, hear me out. Oh, now, if I may, and this isn't usually Magnus's thing, but maybe there's a voice in my head called Travis. I don't know, random name. We wait till all the pirates are together to collect the money.

Yes. Then we kill all of them. Keep the money. I say we let them go If y'all want I can press Control A and delete everything in this document No no no no let's do it

I just recently did a game with Chris Bergen's And there's a part where they were walking To the next thing I'm so sorry I fucking get it okay I'm not this person Well I'm just saying Chris Berger's is a real pro And he said as they were walking Like so what do you do as you walk there

And I was like what do you mean No you're just there We're just there You all arrive at the West Break Docks at the appointed time and find a lively scene waiting for you. Despite the fact that most of the docks aren't in operation, many lies shattered, you assume, from the hungers attack nearly one year ago. Spoilers for Tesbalance. A dozen small fishing vessels are preparing to depart on their daily trips into the nearby reefs. Amidst the hubbub of these preparations, you spot one another

near the central dock. I don't know how often you three actually meet up these days. What is this? Every other month. Wow. Approximately. Yeah, we get together. Play a little yuker. Don't you need... Fantasy yucre. Who's your fourth? The fourth is...

Rotates. You could name any character right now and get a cheer from the audience. Geryl! No, absolutely not. Don't applaud that. That doesn't make sense. You all have to set a higher bar for us.

We can't just say the names of characters. Or else that's a flaming, raging, poisoning sort of do. Maybe. It's the Millennium Falcon. Maybe. What?

Just, that's something else. Aubrey shows up and plays up. You... It's all one universe. I'm stopping this right now. You hear a loud, Ahoi, come from... Ahoi!

Come from the docks in front of you. Travis gave us a speech literally 30 seconds before we came on, which was, and I quote, let's try to make sure Griffin can get through his introduction. Let's not... interrupt. But then I got to be a pirate. He's just bloviating bullshit. Let's just let the little kid talk and then we'll do some other junk.

No, I'm loving it. I have barely anything prepared. Okay, fine. You hear aloud, Ahoy, come from the docks in front of you from the largest and nicest ship in the harbor. It's a long vessel with a solid wood construction painted a glistening pearl color. Two ruby red sails at the center and stern of the ship are raised, though you see some imposing figure on the ship beginning the process of untying their bindings, preparing to raise the anchor. To beautiful boat, towards the rear of the ship, you notice some patches of unpainted wood covering up some considerable damage with scorch marks barely peeking out from behind them. Can I roll a history check to see if I recognize the symbols on the boat? Sure. It's an 18 plus five. So I made them up, pretty much.

The symbols on the boat, there's just one. It's a name painted on the side. Geryl. And is he able to read it? He is. It says the wave-smasher. Very good. Very good. You take it the Daven... With that role, you assume that Davenport has sort of adopted a certain naming convention for... Yeah.

You know, it's funny, in my head, I had the words wave-humper. in there. Oh, I like yours better. Oh, I'm sorry, I misread. Did you? Yeah, because the font, let me increase the font size. It says wave humper. Okay, good.

I thought it might say wave humper. And bounding down the gangplank, you see Davenport. At least, you presume it's Davenport. A year at sea has changed his aesthetic dramatically. He's got long, unkempt gray hair now, gathered in two sections in bearded tails. And peeking out from behind that hair, you see an impressive salt and pepper goatee.

Your once neat and tidy captain has become a bit of a sea dog in the year since you last saw him. Now, does he look more like that or Captain Ron? Captain Ron. Oh, thank you. And he yells as he approaches you. I knew I could count on you three.

How the hell are you? Pretty fucking good. We're very well. Sounds like things are not going great with you, though, my man. Oh, yeah, the debts are so much of them, and it's going to be great, though, and I don't have the debts anymore because of the adventure that we're going to do. How come you didn't parlay your world-saving success into fame and fortune? Spin it. Spin it.

You spent your credentials. You spent your reputation? We got paid? No. Not as such. Just the licensing. Oh, right. And merch.

Davenport says, It's just going to be us, I think. Lucretia responded and said she's finishing up Neverwinter for a big reopening ceremony. She offered to send some money instead, which was awfully nice of her. Barry and Loop didn't respond at all, which honestly, I don't really know what I was expecting there.

Another figure comes down the gangplank from Davenport's ship. She's an orc wearing a black duster over a white linen shirt and ratty brown pants with an eye patch over one of her scarred up eyes. She's large enough to carry what appears to be a moderately sized ship's cannon strapped to her back. On her hip is a long cutlass

in a plain black scabbard. She approaches your party and she says, Wins finally in our favor. Ahoy! Ahoy! She says, sorry, what am I thinking? Ahoy. Ahoi.

Ahoi. Ohoy. Ahoi. Wins finally. The wind's finally in our favor, Captain. We should set sail before we lose our window. And then she gives you all each one more round of the goodbye, ahoy. B'hoie.

Behoi. You know, pirates have 37 words for ahoi. But no word for money. Think about it. And she walks back onto the ship. And Davenport says, Who is that? Well, that's Orla.

She's a local Merck that offered to, Come along for the journey. I'm just watching pieces of cosplay just falling. It's really fucking hot. It is hotter than hell. It's like an after party at JimCon in here. She's a local Merck that offered to come along for the journey. I hired her in case the rest of you didn't actually show up,

which I don't really think you can blame me for. Fair. You all ready to head out? We'll be gone for a couple of days, and convenience stores are hard to come by on the open ocean. I assume with vehicle provision, I know a lot about boats. What's the left side called?

That's the... Port. Duke helped him. I know... This is not password. I know aft and stern, port and starboard. After a full day of relatively and literal smooth sailing,

night falls and Davenport summons your party below decks for a nice meal he's prepared. He removes the lid off a steaming pot. of seafood stew, which he delivers to each of you around the dining table and the galley, alongside a hunk of day old, but still relatively tasty bread. Magnus is already talking about how the sea has changed him. Sure.

And how his time I hear, and, oh, the open ocean can really get to some, you know, like, a lot of that. Ocean friendship bracelets, which is sort of a new concept. A lot of, like, oh, I've really found myself. You know, I thought I knew what it meant to be Magnus, but he, a lot of that, and it's all horseshit. Sure. Over dinner, Davenport says,

So, how's life post-interdimensional adventures treating each of you? God, the kids are a pain in the ass. Whoa. That was not a character voice. That was me talking about you guys. Charming. Happy Father's Day weekend. That's why I can do it.

Charming. It's going good. I'm thinking about opening a dog training school. Haven't yet, canonically. I'm thinking about it. There are a lot of money in that, you think? No. I'm planning on losing a lot of money that I hope to make on this voyage.

He says, I'm glad you found something to keep you busy, Magnus. I've been struggling that myself, if I'm being honest. I tried to find more sort of stuff I could help out with, but it's just been me in the sea for a while, which is kind of how I like it. I kind of know that I'm playing the back nine, as it were. a little too old to start over somewhere, so finding some new life to lead

just doesn't sound good to me right now. You all aren't having trouble readjusting now that we're sort of settling in? No. Oh, just me then. All right. Hey. You know,

Uh, Davenport. I thought you'd forgotten. Some people take a while to find their thing. You know? know, like find their stride? Like, uh, the guy who wrote Moby Dick,

that took him forever. A lot of words in that one. And that, that's the kind of thing. Maybe you're just in the middle of your dick, and you don't, and you don't, it'll take a while to find your stride, maybe. Maybe piracy was the wrong path, and this is the universe's way of telling you,

hey, go ashore. Become a land pirate. A land pirate. I'm not enough. of those. Open a bait shop. Yeah, that sounds fulfilling. There's somebody who owns a bait shop in here, like, oh.

And actually, I have a lot of good conversations with fish people. Orla, who's dining with you, speaks up, and she says, you know, I found my life on the Z-2, Davenport. I lost my home. It was destroyed when I was just a child. And I found

a new home on the ocean. That feeling when you look out on the horizon and there's nothing but inless water in every direction. That can be home too. Don't listen to these three clowns who are telling you to open a bait shop somewhere. To be fair, only one of us said bait shop. And it was me. Who? Clint McElroy on this boat? Amazing. Clint McRoy is a custodian on a completely different planet. kind of shakes himself and puts on a smile. He says, all right, well, we should arrive at the wreckage at sunrise.

You all should get some sleep. We got a big day ahead of us. Magnus does. Right there at the table. You retire from the galley to the sleeping quarters, except for Magnus, who just instantly falls asleep at the table. And we drag his ass to his hammock. No, he's too heavy for that. He's sleeping in the table.

Taco and Merle, you find with this... Taco wakes up in the middle of the night. And he goes to Davenport's cabin. Okay. Hey, listen, bad news. I think I've got scurvy. I'm not sure what the signs of scurvy are. But I've been out here for what feels like 13 fucking years.

And I'm, how would I know if I have scurvy? Well, what's your, what's your symptoms, pal? Bored? Salt taste? Salt taste. There's like a salty taste all the time. So I'm bored and salt taste. and some mild nausea.

Can I, let me, show me those chompers. You're good. Really? Yeah. You could tell from the teeth. Like a veterinarian. I never, so there's the answer, I guess. Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to wake you.

No, no problem. Do you have any limes, though? As long as I'm here, I'd hate to go back empty-handed. Or empty citrus. I got a grapefruit. Did you roll to see if you had a grapefruit? He has a grapefruit. I actually don't love grapefruit.

You got to put some salt. Wait, no, this is Travis. You got to put some salt on that. Magnus is just there. She's been standing in the joint a whole time. Kirby? Okay, sorry to wake you. I'll take the grapefruit and try to muscle up the courage to take a nibble.

Maybe it's a juice in case of emergency situation. I'll just keep it on a shelf. It's the follow. morning. You all awaken in the different rooms you slept in for some reason. And head above deck. And see the site described by Orla the previous evening.

There's no land in sight, just infinite ocean in every direction. Magnus loses it. Uh-oh. I thought Magnus was a sailor boy now. But then he's okay. Oh, what a rich bit that was. He's like, how's this? Merle starts to puke.

Okay. Yeah. There is one point of interest that breaks up this vista of Inless Ocean, though. Directly in front of your ship, you see a few planks of wood stitched together to form a makeshift raft. Slumped over it and clinging to the side of this piece of wreckage, you see a hooded figure with its head down, seemingly passed out cold. What do you do? Ahoy! Ahoy!

I'm going to roll a... How far away are we? You're a good 50 feet away. It does not respond to your ahoys. Asshole. I'll run, you know what? I'm going to do a perception check to see if I sense anything else there. Okay.

And see if I can pick up any other details. And we're looking at a 19. With a 19, your eagle, elven eyes peer into the distance. And you get a better look at the shape of this figure slumped over the raft. and you see that its hand is a skeletal hand and that it is moving a little bit. Oh, my God. Here's the bound news.

Nangis has already left over the side to go save those first side. Okay. So I'm going to execute a perfect dive. No, you're not. Well, is that athletics? Is athletics swimming? Yes.

That's a 19. A good dive, dude. Was it a mofoon? Did you do a phone? No, it was a sick-ass dive. A single drop of water just and you swim over to the raft? And I leap out of the water like a dolphin

and land upon the raft. All right, you dolphin swim through the water and leap up on the raft as the Davenport's ship continues at speed towards it. And what do you do? You're at the raft. Hello, friend.

It looks up at you. This shape does. And it is, in fact, totally a skeleton with a bright gold two. I've met skeletons before. It slashes at you with a dagger at its weights. Hey, I get it. I know you're a little stressed out right now, my man. Stuck out of your own a rat, but we can be five-five, skeletal friends. That's a 24 versus AC. Yeah. Ow, listen, I get it. You're mad. I've changed a lot in the last year. It buries a crooked knife in your shoulder for 14 points of damage. Damn. That's nothing. I don't know. I know we probably should roll initiative, but I'm just going to,

it's half and, like, it's a jack kind of situation, right? Like, I'll never let go. It's off the raft in the water, right? It's like clinging to the side of the road. Yeah. I'm going to punt it. Okay. No, you're not. Well, it's a 13? No. It grabs your ankle in the mid-air and slashes. No, it probably Happen. It's good. But do it for the vine.

Do it for the vine. It only rolled a 13 on its attack at you. Okay, so it missed. Yes. I just probably have something. It's good to let the vines happen sometimes, Travis. It can be better for the drama to do it for the vine. This raft that you're standing on,

it explodes, knocking you backwards, up into the air and then down into the ocean. And Merle and Taco, you see from behind you on the deck of Davenport ship, UC Orla holding her ship's cannon with smoke coming out the end. Nice. Whoa, write it down, everybody.

We finally got saved by a competent woman. And Davenport walks out of the captain's quarters and throws you a life ring. What are those life preserver as he floats by and fishes Magnus back up into... It was a Skellington! He says, yeah. Were we supposed to... I thought it was somebody we knew. Was it somebody we...

Not every character is going to be a callback. Okay, all right, that's cool. The gold tooth kind of threw me. Do you know Joe Peshy from Home Alone? Like, what's the fucking... Davenport says, okay, so, confession time. I haven't been completely honest with you all about why I brought you out here today.

Uh-huh. So first off, and someone please be ready to catch Taco as he faints. There's no sunken treasure. Sure. Taco Faints. Nobody catches him. No, I rolled a 15. Of course you did.

Dexterity plus to do a 17. Easy catch. Thank you so much. Silver lining, though, your buddy Davenport isn't racked with debt. So that's something, at least. So are we just...

Oh, it's a picnic. No. He says there's an undead pirate ship that tried to destroy my boat while I was out here just a few days ago. I was just minding my own business. It came along. It was just like,

brad. I managed to escape, and I met Orlo while I was drowned in my sorrows back at West Break. Apparently, this ghost ships brought down several dozen other non-ghost ships over the last year or so. So I know I said my days of heroism were behind me, but that's just not going to fly, personally speaking. I wouldn't leave something like that out here, potentially endangering other ocean explorers like myself, we're just trying to find some peace and quiet out here. So I brought you all in

to help me take it down. And I'm sorry for lying. I just haven't spoken to you all in a while, and I didn't know if I could count on you to still be in the hero business. Could have asked. Murdochast cure wounds. Why? Oh, on me? The idea of Travis Magnus being healed is just so alien to Travis. Yes, he got stabbed, right? What's cure wounds to? Kill wounds. Of course, Griffin. Get comfortable. A creature you touch regains a number of hit points equal to 1D8 plus your spell casting ability modifier. Go ahead and roll 1D8 for me.

1D8. You got it. First try. That's it. 1D8. It's a 1. A juicy, juicy. Actually, that's a 7.

That's a 7? Yeah. All right. What language is this? It's a seven plus my spell casting modifier. Which is five or six. So we'll say full health magnus. You're freaking welcome.

Okay, but listen, though. Don't applaud you're doing the bare minimum, please. I do want to say, I went from 131 hit points to 117 to 131. So I had a boo-woo and he mixed it. And to be honest with you, I was really casting us on Taco to wake him up. and you kind of hijacked my move. Fainting is not a wound. Well, I guess this is the time

to talk about how I hadn't lost any hit points. I was literally, the only damage that could have been done to me was the fall and I was literally caught. Yeah, if I caught him too hard, I guess? Oh, that's 10 voids of catching damage. I'm glad I cast it on Magnus then. Davenport says,

anyways, we're all here now with this pirate. situation, whether we like it or not. And speaking of battle stations, and he points off the starboard side of the ship, and you all see the waters below start to part. And in the gap that forms, a shape emerges in the water. It's a crow's nest, followed by a tattered sail of translucent cloth, and then another sail, and a third. And then you see an entire boat rise from the waters and splash down, 10 feet off the side of your ship. This vessel is made of rotted gray wood and covered in barnacles, and yet the whole vessel seems to be coated in a shimmering, sickly green light.

Yarr, it's Davey Jones. This boat also eclipses your own. It stands about eight feet higher in the water, and it's nearly twice as long as Davenport's wave-humper. And over the railing of the side of the ship, you see a skeleton peek out and give you all a friendly wave, and a voice shouts, hello, my name's Captain Calloway, and I'm so. So sorry for the inconvenience. Ahoy!

Ahoy! Of course. Where are my manners? Ahoi. Ahoi. Ahoi. No, I'm asleep. Sorry. We're going to need to take your ship and kill all of you so we can dragoon you into our undead fleet.

We'll try to make it quick and painless. But that's... It's hard to guarantee. It'd be actually really cool, honestly, if you could just drop anchor and wait to be murdered. He is very nice. I will, I'll tell you what, you seem very nice. You have one chance to surrender. Oh, man.

Listen, I know. Cross purposes. Is this a talking skeleton? Yeah. That's so crazy. It is if you think about it. Because where's the air and the vocal cords and stuff? And is there a tongue?

How do you make, you know, your oomelots and stuff? Thank you. Without the lips. or the tongue, you just have the teeth. Yeah. He chatters in a rhythm that makes the words, no.

Are you sure? Yeah. Because it's our podcast. No. We're actually doing our own podcast. The bone zone. The bone zone. He turns to his crew and says,

they're not just going to let us murder, looks like we have to do a fight let's roll for initiative with that climactic Jim J. Bullock delivery Wow 19 and 11

Taco would you roll I'm fainted go ahead and roll initiative though please okay I wake up scurvy vapors I was stealing in from scurvy sure don't have scurvy I have a six on that one.

Uh-oh. That's not very good. You have a plus three, so it's a nine. Jesus. Yeah. The first thing that happens, a long plank of wood with spikes on the bottom of it raises up from the deck of the ghost pirate ship

and slams down into the deck of Davenport's boat, the wave-humber, with a terrible crash, and five skeleton crew members come pouring down the gangplank onto your ship. and they all take a swing at Magnus. They act as a swarm, which means I roll as one sort of thing for them.

That is a 19 versus AC. That's a miss. Oh, that's cool. You easily brush off five skeletons as they swing their scimitars at you, or their cutlasses, their cut lie at you. You parry them effortlessly, and they look very confused

because the odds of that happening are just wild. Next in the order is Merle. Merle casts guiding bolt. Okay. At Galloway? Calloway. Calloway. The golfing pirate.

So that's a sports reference. No, I got it. Okay, I didn't know. 4D6 radiant damage. Well, you have to roll the hit first. Right. 16. That's a hit on Captain Calloway.

Thank you. Just roll one. Is that Father's Day pity? What? You got that D6 there? Roll one. I got a D6. Okay.

It's kind of on a fold. Maybe I ought to roll it again. No, you said two? Two. Four D6? Yeah. Roll those. God, these are heavy.

Yeah, they're metal. Travis is getting yoked over there. God, almighty. He rolled three ones and a two. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Statistically, the second worst he could have done. Sure.

I suck at this game. It is radiant damage, though, so instead of just five, it's ten points of damage. So that's... Nice. And I have advantage on my next attack roll. Oh, cool. Okay.

You're not going to remember that. And your bolt emerges... as you read from the Extreme Teen Bible, and it just kind of hits Captain Callaway, and he was like, okay. Next in the order is, oh, you hear a mechanical sound coming from the ghost pirate ship as a panel on the ghost pirate deck opens up,

and from your position on Davenport's boat, you see what looks like a hot air balloon start rising up from the ghost pirate ship, tethered to their ship with a long rope, and as it raises up 20 feet into the air, you see attached to the bottom of this balloon, a ship's cannon, which launches a big cannonball at the three of you, roll a dexterity saving throw. 12?

It's taken a while. 11. This one is a 22 for two-boy-hoops. Thank you. I did not play a large role in the outcome. It was right. 16. And Merle, you rolled a...

12. All right. Magnus and Taco, you both do. out of the way with grace and ease. I rolled twice because I have the tooth necklace. Merle, you are struck with a cannonball. I picture it as like the three of us are standing in a row. It goes, Magnus, Tago, Murrow?

Yeah. It actually lands at your feet hitting you with a fiery explosion and splinters of wood that come up from the deck of Davenport ship for 24 points of damage. Jeez. You cool? Yeah, it's a fucking cannon, guys. Come on.

Next in the order is Magnus. Um, how close is the ghost ship to our ship? Ten feet away. You have a gangplank also. I'm going to jump to it. You got a gangplank connect. Okay. But there's five gallingtons in the way.

There's a, hey, hey, hey, hey, there's probably a rope you could swing on. Oh. I do that. Okay. Um, this is 17. You swing and it's cool. And I land right next to Callaway. Sure.

And I attack him. How many times? Six. No, no, right now, just the three. No, wait, just two. Okay. What are you attacking him with? The Flaming Range of Boys make sure of Doom.

that's a seven oh sorry 17 yeah shit one of these live shows I'm gonna make a demon take it or something I think a demon

well I only roll the two so that's only 26 wins of damage we played the stream of many eyes game and Travis played and when it finally got to his turn he took one battle turn that literally They literally turn and said,

well, what does your character do? And 20 minutes later, when he wrapped up his turn, they were all gaping at him. Then I rolled a 24 attack. Yeah, of course. And a 27 damage. So that's 53 total. Wait a minute.

He may not be done. A lot of his bones come off. Just a lot of... He's deboned. A lot of discarded bones on the ground. And then with my third attack? Shit, birds. I told you.

I told you. I'm going to throw the chance lance at the cannon operator or the cannon. It's just a balloon. It's floating in the air. Poppin. Poppin. Popin. Popin. Okay.

There's no operator as far as you can see. It's magic. So 19? Yep. So, okay, I guess the balloon will take some damage. 12 damage. It pops. It's a balloon.

It pops. That's why I was confused. You have solved his balloon mystery. The balloon pops and the cannon falls and plunges into the deck of the ship. And it keeps on going and you hear it hitting a lot of wood. Just sort of keeping all. It's just going. It sounds like it's going to maybe go into the mantle of the earth that you are standing on.

You also hear it hit water as it falls. I just imagine Callaway and I standing going, with his four remaining bones. Next in the order is Orla, who takes her cutlass and engages with the swarm of skeletons, and she engages with one in particular, and there's a cool duel, and she cuts off its head as it falls to the ground.

There are now four remaining skeletons on the ship. Next in the order is Taco. Well, I hide behind the edge of our ship, and I chew a piece of mockingbird gum. And I impersonate Captain Callaway as I call out, we're beaten, boys, it's time to get out of here. The four remaining skeletons look around like, well, where do you want us to go? Everyone in the water. Your move, Griffin. Make a check.

You're going to need a check for this one. I got the gum. But I have the gum. It's good gum. You'll have advantage on it. What's the... I always fucking fuck this up. Deception.

Make a deception check for me. That one's a two on that. So you have advantage. Not good. And a 10. So it's a... sounds more like this. Hey, everybody. Let's all jump in the water.

Come on. Come on. Yeah, they do it. I mean, they're dumb skeletons. Sure. They all just jump right in. They gather up the bones of the defeated skeleton brethren, and all five of them jump into the water between the two ships. The ghost pirate ship is now sinking into the water as the

as the cannon sort of pierced through it. So in a sense, it was the most humane thing I could do in this scenario. They were in fact beaten and they should in fact retreat. The water is almost up to the deck of the ship, Magnus, where you and Calloway are standing. And Calloway says, well, I can see that I'm beaten. Boy, that didn't take very long. And he takes a step towards the mast. and on the mask there is a bell,

which he grabs the ringer for and rings the bell, which is what you do with a bell. And it makes a sickening low noise, much lower than the size of the bell would make you think it would make fuck me. Tell me more about the bell. That's not rush. Can you, like, recreate it for us?

Yeah, like, I think it's going to make like a ding, ding, ding, ding. No, I think it would be more resonant. Be like, dong along along. Right on. The sound rings out into the distance and continues until it is consumed by the waters. Magnus, you are just kind of in the water now as the ghost ship sinks below,

taking Captain Calloway and the rest of the crew down with it. I grappling hook up to the ship. Wait, I have a spell. Hold on, wait, he grappling hooks up to the ship. There's a second act. And the sound of this bell is continuing in the air, even though the ghost ship is consumed. And suddenly, the water's behind your ship part once more. And another ghostly vessel rises from the water.

And then two more behind it in formation. And then three more behind it. Within moments, an entire fleet of ghost ships, dozens of them are pursuing your boat, all crewed by dozens of cats. heckling skeletons thrilled at the opportunity to engage in some good old-fashioned piracy. Amidst their laughter, you hear a strange sound come from close by. Here's another sound effect for you, Dad. Sounds like,

Cah! Cah! Perched on the railing of Davenport's ship is a raven. A bird not historically known for oceanic expeditions, and then a second raven lands immediately adjacent to the first, and joins in the chorus. Then we see a shadow cast over your faces as hundreds of ravens appear, which fly immediately down, down towards your ship,

crashing into the deck of the wave-humper. And as the ravens fly off, three robed familiar figures appear in front of you. The one in the center pulls out a scroll and begins reading. It says, Undead abominations by... By decree of the Raven Queen, we formally charge your fleet with... Taco.

What are you doing here, babe? That's the end of Actwines. We'll be back with more. Hey, everybody, this is Griffin McElroy. You're dungeon master, your best friend, and the hamburger. Rubble, rubble, it's been me all along. There's a lot of stuff to talk about for this ad spot, and so I just want to get into it very quickly.

before I do, I have to say an enormous thank you to everybody who picked up our graphic novel adaptation of here. There'd be Gerblins, the first arc from balance. Those who went out and bought it that first week, if you could find it, those who pre-ordered it. Because of you, if you haven't already seen the news on Twitter or anywhere else, we made number one on the New York Times bestseller list for paperback fiction. I think like number three for overall, it's fucking wild. It is genuinely beyond belief and we I appreciate you all so so much that that you went out and supported us so much. It's absolutely remarkable. And just thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you haven't read it yet, I'm just really happy with how it turned out. You can find a copy and order it and do whatever at, you know, your local bookstores or at theadventurezonecom. But yeah, thank you all so much. Got a couple Jumbotrons here. This first one is for. Judd Etter or Eater, probably Edder. Eh, now I'm Waffling, but I'm going to say Judd Edder, and it's from the Rum Buddies, who say, I've got a plan. Let's Tuck Talk to thank Judd for getting us into D&D.

You gave us two boats, Larry the Talking Shrub, Otto, the Modron, and lots of fun in a great campaign. From Archer, Barnabas, Cudge, Hawk, Joppa, Tuck, and Kevin Hogchopper. Damn, that's good. Thank you. When Trent Resner threatens ORA's dream, someone has to save existence. Rum, buddy's got to do it. Sounds like your own sort of promotional tagline for your homebrewd-D campaign, and I am just all about that. I have another jumbotron here. This one's for Courtney, Gianna, Nick, Charlene, Claire, Krista, Christian Fire Nick, and Bill. And it's from Michael who says, Hello, Armchair Adventurers. I want to thank all of you for being amazing, wonderful, good, good friends.

You make my world better, and I appreciate you all very much. I also wanted to use this time to have the brothers settle our longest running debate. Would Winnie the Pooh be an amazing roommate? The answer is, of course, yes. Well, you're only going to get my opinion on this, but I'm going to go ahead and say yes. I've definitely had, you know, worse roommates who were definitely needier than just like, I need me a pot of honey every, like, week or so. I don't know how quickly Winnie could, like, down a big jar of honey,

but if that's all that you need to keep your roommate sort of satisfied, then I think there are worse crosses to bear. So it's a hard yes from me. So thank you all so much for tweeting about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. If you do that, you might end up as a character in the show. We're about to start a new arc of the Adventure Zone Amnesty coming up here in two weeks. So there'll be plenty of character names for that, but also we just really appreciate your spreading the word. It really means a lot to us, and it's how we've been able to sort of get this really nice, rad audience that we have now. Oh, I recently put up all of the music so far from the Adventure Zone Amnesty, as well as the themes for the experimental arcs, commitment, dust, and elementary. How could I forget, elementary?

That one was Justin's theme song, of course. All of that is available in one album called The Beast and the Water, and it's available on my bandcamp page, Griffin MacRae. broodd bancamp.com. Thank you to Maximum Fun for having us on the network. You can go to Maximumfund.org and check out all the great shows there. Shows like stop podcasting yourself. And the new sort of sci-fi comedy fiction show bubble, which is a super, super good show that I have been listening to and there's still new episodes coming out all the time. And we were recently on one. I think it was episode six or so. So go give that one a shot. It's a really good show. And I think that is probably it. I'm going to let you get back to the rest of the live show now,

and we will be back with a new episode from the Adventure Zone Amnesty, the first episode of a new arc, uh, in two weeks, which will be Thursday, August 9th. So I'll talk to you then. Bye. Kravitz, Loop and Barry are standing in front of you at the bow of, okay. Okay. You spent that entire intermission like, I was on my phone. saying, oh, God, crows, and why? Adventure Zone. Oh, Raven. That's why I couldn't find them. The three of them are standing in front of you at the bow of Davenport's ship, dressed in their full Raven Queen regalia. As the three of them realized the situation, Cravitz drops his skeletal facade, and the three of them rush towards your party. Cravitz gives you a warm embrace, Taco, and says, no, no, seriously, Taco,

what are you doing here? Babe, I told you, I was having a boys weekend. I put it on my G-Cal. You know I did. I thought that meant like you'd go out to, you know, Reno and play the tables. I didn't think... We're doing that after. So is Reno Cannon now? It's Reno...

Oh, gosh. Reno Winter. Yes. Loop says, So, Davenport, bud, kind of curious why you'd, uh, decided to come back out here after you wrote us about all the ghost-based dangers you encountered, my man. Didn't you consider that we'd be coming to collect for, you know, the goddess of death? And Davenport says, I'll be honest, I kind of forgot.

That y'all were doing that these days. I've been on the sea, you see. The ocean makes you forget things. And Barry says, well, no worries. We'll take it for. from here. You all just head back home. We'll clean up and meet you back at West Break for a celebratory round of drink. Shouldn't take us more than five minutes. Yeah, any help you want to provide would be absolutely astounding. Thank you. Yeah, we'd like the, I mean, we're, can I be honest? Hey. Barry says, yeah, yeah. Since that whole thing, we're like, we saved not only this universe, but all universes.

Spoiler alert. Yeah. I've been bored. Can we stay and fight the skeletons, please? Barry start hovering off the deck of the ship in this cloud of black smoke and addressing you, Magnus, as they soar off, Luke says, you'll just get in the way! And Cravitz says, seriously,

five minutes, we'll be right back. And he takes off in a cloud of smoke also. Okay, who's feeding the cats? I just picture Skellington cats. He yells, Susan. I hate Susan. know that.

You don't have to like her for her to feed the cat. Okay. Don't binge Queer Eye season two without me. It came out to that. From behind you, Orla clears her throat. She says, your friends seem very capable. But taking down this fleet, it's a futile effort. These aren't like the undead you faced before.

They're not the defiled husks of flight. an adventure is lying and weighed in some dungeon. They were turned. They were made that way by something that lurks fathoms beneath us this very moment. It's the same thing that destroyed my ship and killed my crew. It's an elder god called the Cracken. And in one swift movement, she draws her cutlass and drags it against her palm and flicks a few drops of blood over the side of the boat.

Storm clouds gather from every direction as a peal of things. Thunder matches the sound of ghost ships exploding in the melee behind you. Waves rise up from the waters in an instant like goosebumps appearing on flesh. The boat lurches to the side, and Davenport springs up the stairs towards the wheel, attempting to keep the boat level. Orla removes the cannon from her back and kneels, refilling a chamber with black powder from a flask on her hip and says, We have mere moments to prepare.

You should spin them wisely. Why didn't you say that before? Why didn't you be like, hey, I'm about to do a thing? Do you need time? She said, she says, if you knew what was coming, you would have turned and ran. To where? We're on a boat. The back of the boat?

Which is the... Okay. Don't please, Christ. I can't. I am going to cast water breathing on our entire crew. Okay. Just a little insurance? Do you tell people you're doing that?

No, it'll be a fun surprise. You all feel gills appear on your neck. Two massive tentacles splash upward from the starboard side of the boat. One teeters towards the boat and wraps itself around the mast at the center of the ship just a few feet away. Two more spring upward from the port side,

one entwining the figurehead on the prow. From beneath the pitch black waters, now slapping at the bottom of your boat below, you hear an otherworldly howl. Are we to assume this is the cracking? No, this is some other big octopus. You have four tentacles, two of which are entwining your boat. We're back up to the top of the order with Merle.

So that's only really half an octopus. The other four are doing other things. Oh, okay. Because, I mean, a four-legged octopus is a horse. Stupid A stupid thing to say A dumb joke Is it stupid

Well no one's ever looked at a horse and said That's like have an octopus Okay but if you put two horses And glued them together It would kind of look like an octopus sure Sometimes I'm just too deep Dumb stupid Stupid podcast

Merle Merle you're up You got one tinnacle entwining the mast, one on the figurehead, and two more floating in the ocean. One to the starboard side, one to the port. What do you do? Merle casts water walk. What's... Yeah. Seems a bit sacrilegious to give that one to Eklera.

But go ahead and hit me. This spell grants the ability to move across any... liquid surface, such as water, as if it were harmless, solid ground. Yeah. Up to, oh, okay. We can all do, oh, we can all walk on water. We all walk on water.

All right, sure. Fuck it. That is your turn. Next in the order is Magnus. Well, can we describe it at least, how cool it looks? I mean, you're on a boat right now, so. Oh, but it'll get there, right? Yeah, be ready.

As soon as we start walking on water, you know who did it. It's not going to happen. Magnus, you're up. I attack a tentacle? By walking over to it? On the boat surface. You got one on the mast, one on the figurehead, and two floating in the water. Which one do you attack?

I detect the water in the water. I'm going to attack the one in the mast and it seems like the easiest one to reach. Yep, sure. Go for it. I guess it's with the broken weapon. 15? Oh, no. You didn't hit it.

What about a 26? Yeah. I mean, you're going to add 20 fucking damage to it. 29. Yeah. You cleave right through it with the flaming, raging, poisoning, sort of doom. A spurt of gross

green fluid comes flying out of the severed tentacle as it falls to the deck of the ship and the rest of the tentacle retreats. There are now three tentacles from it. Now, Griffin, I know you're the DM and I don't normally challenge your authority. When the tentacle, a tentacle, was wrapped around the mask, how did I miss it with a 15?

It was too strong. Your attack bounced off like a child, like a child swinging a wiffle ball bat at a flagpole. Like a weak fucking child. Fair play. Is that it? Yeah. Oh, shit. Next in the order is the octopus.

The two tentacles that are floating free, one of them is going to try to slam down on Merle. It was confused by the spell that he casts. It was afraid of how powerful it was. It rears up into the air and comes down. That's just a 15 versus AC? Yeah. No, it's a miss.

It's a miss. Yeah. It comes down. on you and you hold up your Bible and deflect it in the air. Can I open it? Sure, yes.

Oh, beautiful. These are available out in the lobby. They're not. They're not? No. This is only mine. The other one swings down and tries to grab

Magnus. That is a... Twenty-one versus AC? Where's the tie? What's the tie? Tie goes to the attacker. Thought. You are grappled.

It crushes you in its grasp. Oh, that's not bad. It's 11 points of damage. Yeah. But you are... I sneeze. But you are grappled in this tentacles grasp and lifted up above the deck of the ship.

Next in the order is Taco. first things first, I dig into my bag as a free action and pull out the cloak of the manta ray. It's covered in cobwebs. Yeah. That allows me the ability to breathe in the water, a little bit of a... A lot of sort of water-based buffing so far. We're just so excited to finally have the chance to use them.

But I can also swim at 60 feet per second. Oh, beautiful. Okay. But I'm not going to do that right now. right now I'm going to cast on the dumb squid who is not the Cracken. Is that what we establish? Is that canonical? Or this is the Cracken? It is. You said it was another

big squid, so I wasn't sure. I was being a jackass. It's the Cracken. Well then on the Cracken, I'm going to cast Auto's Irresistible Dance. This spell is fucking broken. I'm going to cast that on a creature I can see

within range. It will begin a comic dance in place. Shuffling. tapping its feet and capering. For the duration of a minute, it has to use all its movement to dance, and it cannot leave its space and has disadvantage on dexterity, saving throws, and attack rolls. While the target is affected by the spell,

other creatures have advantage on attack rolls against it as it dances. As an action and a dancing creature may make a wisdom saving throw to regain control of itself, and on a successful save, the spell ends. Do you have to attack me, or do I roll a roll resisted at first. It is a I think it's a

nope. Shit, okay. It just worked. It just worked. The remaining tentacle that's wrapped around the prow of the ship just unspools and then fuck man.

Yep. I hate to ask to introduce the idea, but is one of the tentacles that's holding Magnus just dancing around holding Magnus? Yeah. When some lose some. All three of the remaining tentacles, including the one holding Magnus, reach up into the air and start doing the electric slide.

It's electric! Yeah, so they just start sliding back and forth in the water sort of rhythmically. Magnus, you're getting whipped around back and forth. It's a violent dance. But the ship has become ungrappled entirely. You realize that it's good that that is the case because it was slowing down significantly, and the remaining ghost ships behind you were starting to catch up. But now you are not in danger of the ships behind you catching up.

We are back to the top of the order. Merle, what's up? Murlcast control water. A little unnecessary. Oh, is it? No, Travis giving me the bird. Oh, as if he was... Let me see it again.

Wait, wait. No, no, no. I mean, Travis even now realizes it was uncalled. It was a real older brother, not cooperative podcaster move. What does control water do? Merle can... It makes spaghetti. What do you think control water does?

What's the fucking card say? Voiced on your own petard, pal. Until the spell ends, you control any freestanding water inside an area you choose that is a cube, up to 100 feet on a side. You can choose from any of the following effects when you cast a spell. you can flood, which causes the water level. Please don't read every, there's eight paragraphs in the spell description. You can part the water.

You can redirect the flow. You can make a whirlpool. You said you were doing that one. Yeah. It requires a body of water at least 50 feet square and 25 feet deep. I think we got that. That's the ocean. You cause a whirlpool to form.

The whirlpool forms a vortex that is five feet wide at the base, up to 50 feet, five feet. five feet wide at the base. I'm not even sure that what he was noticed. This is great fucking audio. This is going to kill him, though. This will kill it. This is what you rule people want, right?

You want me to read all the rules. Any creature or object in the water, and within 25 feet of the vortex is pulled 10 feet towards it. Good. A future can swim away from the vortex by making a strength. Athletics check against your spell, save DC.

TM Wizards of the Coast. So, you've created a war. whirlpool. Yeah. All right. Giving the finger again, Trabb. Yeah.

No. You're on a fucking boat. But I can walk on water. All right. We're doing this. The waves beneath you, they move in a peculiar motion. Maybe the other, the rest of you don't quite understand what's going on as a whirlpool suddenly forms

right beneath the ship and octopus and all of it. And now you can not only see the three tentacles that were above the water, you see all seven of them remaining. And in the center, at the bottom of this whirl being crushed by the water, go ahead and roll 2D8 bludgeoning damage for me. It's the eight-sided die. Let's go ahead and hurt this octopus. Seven, six.

All right. Plus something? No, I don't think so. Okay. You see the body of the cracken. It is enormous. It is larger than your ship with sickly pink skin, two beady glowing orange eyes, and a beak that is shrieking towards the heavens as this whirlpool forms around it, crushing it. There are now seven tentacles, and your ship sees, everybody on your ship sees this, sorry, I'm trying to figure this out in real time. Everyone aboard your ship sees the body of this cracken as it looks over the edge of this. whirlpool on the ship. And then you don't really need to look over the edge anymore as the ship is then also pulled into the whirlpool. And you hear Davin go, what the fuck? As he jerks the wheel to the side, trying to keep the yacht afloat. You are close to the top of the 50-foot rim of this whirlpool

going down. Let's see, what the fuck else happens? I think as it is crushed, it drops you, Magnus back down onto the boat. There are now seven tentacles just kind of all over, so please don't ask me which tentacle you're attacking at any given time. They are identical, and we're back up. They're identical tentacles? Magnus, you are now up. I'm going to take control of the ship wheel and steer the shit out of it. No? I'm not going to do that. No, you can do that. It's just Davenport's going to be like, okay, yeah, all right. He didn't have money troubles before.

Davenport says, I know, about your proficiencies. It's just, I'm the captain, and it feels like... Well, you can come out. Listen, you can be captain and not, see? You want to do trade teas? Can I hold on to the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom? No!

He says, that's the only way I'll do it. I'll let you steer the ship. You've got to give me the sort of doom for a little bit. Okay. On one? On one? condition. If you lose it. It's my sword. You die forever.

It's kind of my sword, so it's more up to me. It's fine. Go ahead. He says, yeah, I can live with that. It's a big responsibility. And he is now wielding the flaming, raging, poisoning sword of doom. That's a roll initiative for

Devenport. Nope. This is going to be weird. Oh, really? All right, you're steering the ship. What's up now? I rolled and 14 plus 418. A what?

To steer the shoe. Yeah, you're steering it. Really good. Steering it rolled down. I'm trying to keep from getting pulled into the whirlpool that Merle created. Yeah, no, you definitely have... Oh, I know what I'm doing. Yeah.

Orla, I'm going to bring the cannons alongside. She gives you just a thumbs up. and lights a cigar because it's about to get righteous. And she takes her cannon that she has strapped to her back and places it into position next to a few others. It starts loading them up with cannon balls. Let's just do that now, so we have some resolution to this action. She just runs down with a lighter that she has lit,

just like, and fires into the crowd of tentacles. She blasts with four cannonballs outward, only three collide with tentacles, and they explode, leaving four remaining, getting us back on track for the fight, so you guys aren't fighting eight fakes at the same time. Okay, next to any order is Taco. Yeah, so you know what, we've come a long way.

Why don't you describe the situation to me, so we all know where we're all at. There's four tentacles remaining. Your ship is trapped, in a whirlpool, at the bottom of which is the body of the Cracken, which is looking at you, and howling with a gross beak. And with the steering, it's kind of going around. And there's tentacles in the water?

Yes. Okay. And there's a whirlpool. Yes. Oh, my God. No, yeah, it's gotten hairy. I grab, yeah. I grab the plank that the other ship used to attack us with the spikes on it.

I pick it up and I stand on the edge of the boat and say, You don't know me. My name is Taco and I invented surfing. And I leap off the boat on my spiked surfboard towards the remaining tentacles in the water. All right. I think on your rad trajectory being pushed forward, it's like one of those like surfing pools where the water's like shooting at you super fast. you are able to just like fucking carve it, bro?

Yeah, bro. You are able to get some good speed going. Yes, bro. That's just your movement. What's your action now? Oh, golly. Kind of thought that I, that would have done it. You know what I mean?

Kind of thought that I... I do like that your idea was not in any way to stop the dragon. But I just wanted to... The spikes. I was planning on carving over the legs with my spikes. Oh, sick. Okay. Just make a basic attack roll

Adding That's a natural 20 You're going to kill one of the tentacles But why don't you describe what that looks like? Taco leaps off and the spike thing And he grabs the edge of it And he kind of bends it up Just sort of a stylish maneuver

It's not necessary And then he brings it back down And he just carves right up the tentacle And like carves off of it Does a 900 off of it And he just shreds it right right in half. It's really gnarly.

Perhaps tubular. Okay. Yeah. It explodes and it's totally sick. Indeed. Indeed. Orla from the deck of the ship says, Who the fuck are you guys? Next in the order is

the octopus. Two of the tentacles. Let's think. One of the tentacles comes crashing down. I'll give you each one. Merle, one tries to slam down on you again. That's a two, so that's not going to work.

Another one comes crashing down towards Mac. Where are you at, Magnus? Are you still even on the fucking boat? Yeah, I'm steering. Oh, that's right. 18 versus AC? Miss. Okay.

I don't know how that happened. You're steering a boat, not a hard target. Well, I'm wearing a giant slayers ring, and I'm wearing armor, and I just got to go, the third one is going to take a swipe and try to grapple taco as he surfs down the water and that is a 19 versus AC. Indeed. You are grabbed.

Do you hold on to your surfboard as you are lifted up into the air? No. Okay. Make a strength contest with this tentacle. It's sugar good. 13 plus what's my strength Zilch I got a 16

You see the beak of the Cracken open wide As this tentacle starts to Move downward back into It's awaiting maw It looks so ready for this It looks real Really hungry

And as you are just inches away, you see a black cloud of smoke fly through the tentacle, and it explodes. And you see Kravitz now in his Reaper form, full skeletal face with his scythe

dripping with green ooze as he severs the tentacle, and it spasms and flings you back up into the air, and he catches your hand in his and gently kind of puts you back

down into, like, do you want me to put you back surfing, or where do you need to go right now? Question one, did you see the thing with the surfboard? It was rad, yeah. Thank you, yes. Very good. The boat is fine. I had my moment. He says, you got it, and

takes you back up to the boat, and you hear loop in the distance like, hey, hurry it up, there's still like eight more boats back here. Fuck. Yeah, no, it's not going good back there either, but you all have this this octopus situation taken care of? Have you tried using diplomacy?

And he flies back off. Next in the order, we're back up to Merle. Merle casts Bain on the three remaining tentacles. What's that to? Up to three creatures of your choice that you can see within range must make charisma saving throws. How charming are these tentacles? Whenever a target... Depends on who you ask. I'm banking on it not being. It's not, no, no, no. It's not my thing.

I'm just saying, making an observation. The target must roll a D4 and subtract the number rolled from the attack roll or saving throw. What? I don't know. This is going to... All right, so you have to make...

The three tentacles have to make charisma saving throws. Do you not know this game? I got to say. for the tentacles, so they don't save. And now every time they attack, they roll a D4 and subtract it. All right, let me get a D4. I didn't think I was going to be using one of these little guys.

All right, I got one. Okay. Okay. Good stuff. Next in the order is Magnus. All right. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I forgot to roll for Davenport. The ship is now sailing almost next to, right up against one of the remaining tentacles.

We'll say two remaining tentacles because that clock is almost out of time. As you carve a path with the ship, Davenport holds onto some netting on the side of the boat and taking the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom in his hand, he says, this thing's super heavy. You could have given me a heads up. And as he says that, just kind of holding it outright, it just very slowly just like, bloop, cuts through one and then blu-b cuts through the other. And he says, wow, this thing's way too powerful. I didn't even swing it. I just kind of held it out.

And then the things just died as soon as it touched this utterly broken fucking item. It feels like God shouldn't allow something like this to exist in our universe. And you use this all the time. It's my main. That's pretty wild. I know. And then bloop. He cuts through the third one like, oh shit, I didn't even.

I wasn't even paying attention that time. Wouldn't it be funny if Davenport dropped it? No. And you lost it forever? Then Davenport will be dead forever. And you see Davenport's hand as it hits the third one open and it falls. But then he reaches down real fast and catches it like, well, that was pretty close, huh? And then a big bird flies down and grabs it from his, but then he grabs it back like, oh.

He's going to cry. I am not. But I would, and there's nothing wrong with crying. And technically it's tacos. Technically, it's my sort. Next in the order is Magnus. What do you do? Taco calls out, don't kill it.

I have a plan. Yeah, we can hop out of initiative. Okay. Perfect. Who has plans? Let's take a vote on plan. I'm just going to steer out of the whirlpool. Okay.

Perfect. It's sucking you down. Yeah, but I'm really good in driving. Oh, but I have proficiency. Oh, that's better. Okay. You stay afloat in the whirlpool, start going back up towards the top. Taco, what's your plan? I cast Dominate Monster on the Cracken.

Fuck. There's a spell for everything. It's eighth level. I only have one, and I'm using it on this. Cast Dominate Monster on the Cracken. Okay. It's got to succeed on a wisdom savings serve. It won't. We'll go ahead and roll. 13?

No, sir. Okay. It failed. So now it works for me And I Leap into the water Swim to it with extremely fast speed Thanks to my radical cloak

You jump out of the boat actually And as you hit the water You just collide with it Because of the spell that Merlcast You cheer Hooray my wonderful cloak You collide with the water And just kind of slunk

Crumpled down the whirlpool I stand up Towards your new pet I stand up I dust myself off and I say, come on, we're going to go save my boyfriend. And I point it towards, I point it towards the remaining ghost ships. Me and my legless

Kraken are coming to the rescue. But not for long. Okay? Merle castes regenerate on the Kraken. Yes! Where a target's severed body members are restored. You all have lost so many body. Parts stirring the skin. So Merle uses his tree arm

to cast a regenerate on a cracking he just met. His tree arm is way more rad than his flesh arm. You befriend this cracking that you sort of slide down the whirlpool towards and as you dominate it, it says and

you hop on its back and it kind of starts trying to flop up the side of the whirlpool but it's having trouble. But then you see a beam of light from the extreme teen Bible. Well, he's running along the water, Merle is, because he can walk on water. Yeah, let's get everyone in the water. Yeah, he's walking on water and running towards it and holds it up and yells out the spell.

And suddenly all eight tentacles return to the Kraken, and it nods at you, never-ending story-wise. Does it pick up, I'm asking Taco this. Does it pick up Merle also as it flies out of the whirlpool? No need for that. He can walk on water. We, there are, there's one main ghost ship remaining. It is a dreadnought, the biggest ship of the fleet, crewed by dozens of skeletons alone in this one. And you see Barry Lupin Kravitz having a dang hard time taking it down. There's some big burly skeletons on this one, probably a couple, two mummies.

Oh no. Mommies. Oh, the worst. And they are surrounded on the center of the boat, and then in the distance they hear splash, splash. And they turn and look behind them and see the shape of the kraken coming towards them with a figure silhouetted from behind by the sunset behind him,

flying towards the ship. And right before the kraken collides with the ship, Barry says, what the hell is that? And Crabitt says, that's the best damn pirate I've ever seen. That's the end of the episode. Thank you all so much for joining us.

Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Are stacks of unread books taking over your apartment? Do you constantly miss your train stop because you're caught up in reading? I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Mara. We party hard.

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