The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in San Jose!

Episode Date: May 16, 2019

THE YEAR IS 20XX. Organic organisms have all but been erased from the face of Faerun. Today, a small band of resistance fighters will execute their final operation to topple their robot overlords. They will be joined by three goobers who have no idea where they are, or what’s going on, or anything, really. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

I asked Paul to play some scene setting music. Paul, if you can play the scene setting music as I read the opening monologue. If you can make it much quieter than that, that would be amazing. A little bit louder. Split the difference. The year is 20XX.

The world, as you know it, has ended. The once verdant forests and lush prairies peppered across Féroon lay fallow, swallowed up in cyclones of dust and exhaust. The land's great thriving cities are hollowed out wastelands, scoured tirelessly by electronic eyes for any remaining signs of life. Signs of resistance. The reign of organic beings has long since been brought to a violent end

by the world's new ruling class, robots. Sintient machines of various shapes, sizes, and functions that have reduced the world's human, dwarf, elf, orc, really all non-robot populations, down to a handful of barely surviving enclaves, all eking out a harrowing existence beneath the smog-filled sky. It's really very bad.

There's no grass anymore. Where there used to be grass, now there's just like little wires all over, which is what robots like instead of grass. Playgrounds that used to be full of children's laughter are now filled with like pipes and batteries and stuff. There are still birds, but they've been assimilated and a sense.

cyberbirds, which are the absolute worst kind of bird. It smells like gasoline just everywhere. Basically, all the stuff that humans and flesh beings used to like now is just all robot stuff. The three of you awaken in the salvaged husk of the wrecked Bureau of Balance headquarters, brought down some years ago by an assault flock of cyberbirds. It houses and protects the world's last hope from salvation from the cybernetic onslaught, the reclaimers.

Today, they'll embark on an operation months in the making. Their few remaining resources and surviving personnel will all be expended in this final campaign. It is Fé Run's last, best, and only chance for salvation. Also, it's worth mentioning that the three of you have no idea what's going on. You fell asleep in normal-ass Féruin, and you woke up in the robot wasteland. You're in the destroyed remnants of the fantasy Costco, laying on bedrolls, while a big, burly man tinkers with what appears to be an enormous canon

on a nearby workbench. He notices you stirring and lifts his weapon off the table, addressing you gruffly. If you can lower the Terminator music. Oh, Terminator. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah.

The gruff man says, state your name and affiliation. Magnus Scorpio. Merle, Presbyterian. Taco, the best. Bingles. Are the three of you with the Gold Cliff Armada, or the children of Fandolin?

You know, I'm still shopping for my options. I'm not willing to commit. I'm taking offers from all groups. Or, uh, how do I know you're not all skin-wearing robots? I would never. In a way, aren't we all skin-wearing robots? Damn, I'm going to need to lie down.

That's a lot. Oh, Griffin, is Magnus still vampire from our last life episode? What's your handle, hoss? My name is Captain Angus McDonald. Foreman. And the three of you are not who you say you are. We lost contact with Lieutenant Magnus, Master Taco, and Reverend

Merle... Lieutenant? Bullshit! We lost contact with them several days ago in the scouting mission for today's operation. Wait, how are you a captain and I'm a lieutenant? In what fucking you? universe. Because you don't follow the rules, man. He says, in this universe, Mucacho, and he pulls out his guns, and his guns are bigger than your guns. He says, you still have nice guns, buddy. You do look like my old friends, though. You mention universes. It's perhaps true that you're from a different reality. It's called

the Vue-Eusk universe. That's where we hail from. The time-space continuum of our world has grown unstable as of late. Strange riffs have been appearing all around. Yeah. All around the spire for months now, the robot, yeah. Headquarters. Uh-huh.

I myself fell through one, and it made me get super old and buff like this. Cool. It all tracks. Listen, if you're anything like the Taco Merlin Magnus that I knew, you'll rise to the occasion when you're neat... No?

No. Actually, that sounds a little bit more like the Taco Merlin. Today, we're executing operation, rebalance. The tools we need to stop the robot apocalypse once and for all. Wait, if you re-balance, aren't you just balancing it? Yeah.

The re- is like, R-E-Colon. Regarding balance. I.E. Balance. Yes. ASAP, when you get a second, champ. The tools, may I? Please.

Of course. He cocks the gun for some reason. Wait, he cocks. his arm? He's got a big cannon, a big laser. He says, the tools we need to stop the robot apocalypse once and for all wait for us on top of the spire. We're leading a full-on assault to punch a hole through its defense, and he does a punch, and it's scary. Magnus also does a punch. Yeah, hell yeah. Heck yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, sirs.

We're going to punch a hole through the spire's defenses and get a ground crew inside to secure the package. I need the three of you on said ground crew. And I'm sure any, any, answers you need about how to get back to your own world are waiting for you up there as well. It's fine. I know how I die. It's my least favorite thing you do at the live show. Any questions? Would you believe no? Weirdly it's no? I think it's a no.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, okay, where did all their robots come from, Chief? Good question. They showed up a little under a decade ago, or maybe just a few years. years ago. So somewhere between nine and three. Just say eight. Judgment Day was years ago.

Who doesn't? I'm sorry. Did you forget to write it down? Who doesn't remember when the robots took over? It wasn't just one day. It was a slow build

over time. They launched all of our magical weaponry against us and then they made all the calendars disappear. Turns out robots were in charge of calendars. Yeah.

Damn you, Siri. Yeah. To Y2K was just a little late, I guess. Anyway. I need to be careful because my voice is falling into yours. Same, same. I'm not going to have one by accident. I noticed that.

He pushes you out the door towards action. The Bureau headquarters has been... Griffin or... Yes. Griffin comes in with a pushroom. Time to play my game, gentlemen. I got a lot of treats lined up for you. People in San Diego.

Oh, they need to move it along. Don't doubt, folks, we've got that break coming up. No. We're waiting on some food in the mission. We really are. We ordered food from a Vietnamese restaurant, and like 20 minutes before we were gonna walk on stage, they were like, it shut down two days ago.

So we ate a bunch of candy and we came on stage. Yeah, we're ready to go. We're gonna do a really good show. I hope you're excited. The Bureau headquarters has been surrounded in thick steel magically reinforced barrier. At the edge of the quad, a set of 20, foot high, steel industrial doors are sealed, and you see a squadron of super future troops gathered

around it. Lieutenant Killian is there, speaking to a dozen or so troops arranged in front of her, and she's giving a speech to her own little squadron. She says, last evening, our first squadron made their move against the enemy. Everybody just sounds more sort of future. It's all the gasoline smell. It's all the gas smell. It's so bad for the throat. Everybody needs a lozenge. Their mission was to carve a path through the front lines before splitting off in an attempt to misdirect the foe. As you know, Lieutenant Kerry led this mission. We lost optics inside the, outside the enclave several days ago, so we don't know what's waiting for us behind those doors.

I suspect limited enemy presence, but at least until we reach the spire. One question. Who the fuck are you guys? Magnus. Burnside. Oh. Okay. I didn't recognize you because you're dressed up like fantasy. weirdos.

I bought this at the gap. I'm taco. Taco? I'm taco, and I'm highly suggestible. Dun, dun, dun. I'm Batman, and I don't do character voices. That's dad's real voice.

That's true. Hey, where's your standard issue techno armor and plasma rifles? You're going to get chewed up by their laser pulsars with that. Oh, it looks like we're starting. Good luck. Oh, no. The biggest, most hardened futile. The future techno man you've ever seen approaches the gate and turns to face the crowd.

Yellow lights above him start flashing his clax on to blare. The doors begin to give off steam as they prepare to open. He's wearing a pair of sunglasses and has two bandoliers wrapped around his chest. He's got a big white mustache and closely cropped hair. And he removes a cigar from his mouth with the hand not holding an enormous plasma rifle. And he addresses the platoon. And he says, For those who haven't had the displeasure of meeting me,

I'm Commander Brock Knifebone. the New England knife bones? Oh, New England. A lot of good calendars. We lost the New England. Is it true they replaced it with new, New England? The robots that... Listen, yes.

New New England. I getcha, yeah, another one. Because it's futurity. You modified the modifier. That's good future jokes, son. Do you think for you, Dad? No, it's not necessary. Those who do know me know I've been waiting for this.

this day my whole life, I bet most of you all have too. I don't know you, do I know you've been waiting? Maybe. Our whole lives were actually the just the past few years now that I'm really thinking about it. Yeah, it'd be weird if you thought about this like 40 years ago. We've been living like rats underground or worms or moles or mere cats. Only we don't like it. Maybe they don't.

We ain't seen the sun and God knows how long rainbows forget about it. Ain't seen them either. Most meals you've had to eat straight up dirt because that's all we had lying around. Dirt sandwiches. Well, you can't just eat while you are lying around. Go shopping. Stores got melted.

Nothing but dirt sandwiches. Dirt soup, which is just mud, I guess. For my birthday this year, a bunch of y'all got together and got me a shoe to eat. I won't soon forget that kindness. But that ends today. No shoes? For too long.

I mean, if you've got a shoe to spare. I'm saving it. Save it for after we win this battle soldier. Yeah, it's a celebratory shoe lunch. For too long, this world that was given to us by the great creators, today we're going to pry it from the hands of those that took it from us. Today, we reclaim our planet, and the doors behind him start to slide open. He says, we will not go quietly into the night.

We will not vanish without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today we celebrate our pff, and he just disintegrates in a cloud of red ash. I was building a rich character backstory in my head. And everyone, all of these squadrons start looking at each other like, uh, roll for initiative.

16. All right. Wait, 19. 13. All right. I got an 8, but I get to roll twice. Go for it. Yeah, that's a 1. Okay. So an 8 for Merle.

then? All right. Here is the scene. You all walk out onto a battlefield, and it's a grisly scene. Just down the metal ramp... ROR! If you just encourage him... Just down the metal ramp leading from the bureau entrance, a costly battle has taken place with fallen soldiers from both sides, littering the field. Sadly, it seems the robots have prevailed, as the only troops left standing are metallic in nature. You identify four main threats here on the field.

There's a humongous cyber dog that is sniffing on the outside of a pillbox, inside of which you see some activity, some organic organisms are in there. The cyber dog is easily six feet tall and is rooting at the door trying to gain access as the folks inside Whalen protest. Next to that, a squad of a half-dozen robots armed with laser rifles and spears are marching in formation behind a seventh, slightly larger robot. Just behind them is a tower, hastily magelly made from salvaged metal, atop of which you see a single robot

seated at a gigantic laser cannon that is currently spinning up and preparing to fire. Finally, in the distance, moving into flanking position, you see a fucking tank that is rolling into position. Behind you, the last of the resistance

is organized into three squadrons. Killian leads a team of Rangers, all armed with laser rifles and light armor. Avi, the cannoneer, leads an infantry team armed with large electrified clubs wearing heavier armor. And finally, you see Leon the Artifacer.

The canon... Sorry, the Canon guy is leading a bunch of people with clubs. Yeah. Seems like kind of a misopportunity, doesn't it? Okay, he's also got his big canon that he used to shoot you on adventures to it. And finally, you see Leon the Artifacer who's leading a band of magic wielders wearing no armor.

And Avi just kind of looks around at everyone and then looks back at the three of you and it's like, so what do we do? Huh. All right. well as Lieutenant I'll take command you I'm going to say

infantry against the tank no that's good Travis has obviously played advanced wars at some point because that's how that inventory against the seven robots and Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with a wrench

Rangers against the tower and magic against the tank and me against the dog All right They have their assignments and start to move into position but Taco you are up first Dog

Squad Tower Tank those are your four God Squad God Squad Tank Tower Hi I'm tank tower You want to learn how to play football? Sure we all do With my seven video set So Taco goes first

I am going to cast flesh to stone on the dog. Okay, the dog is part flesh, part dog, so I'll give you that, for sure. I assume you mean part flesh, part metal. Part flesh, part metal, yes. Part dog.

Part dog. Part dog. All human. Part dog, part flesh, all hero. All cop. Okay, what does this spell do? I mean, it turns flesh to stone. It's right there on the name grip and read a book. I'm sorry.

It's right. I'd just love to talk a little bit on the show. The, uh, it turns, he was right. God damn it. It turns flesh to stone, is what it does. Uh, okay. All you got to do a constitution saving throw. Okay.

Uh, I got a 13. Nope. Okay, yeah, his flesh turns to stone. Now he's stone and metal parts. Um, so he's probably more. more armored right now, but he also can't, literally cannot move at all. He is stone with metal plating all around him, but his eyes are still flesh, I guess, or whatever you would call those.

And he's looking around like, uh-oh. You actually hear him from inside his hollow robot body go, eh-uh. I'm sorry, I think you mean rut-ro. Rott-ro. Next up is the squad of seven robots who are going to attack as a swarm. and actually since there's just seven of them, they release a, like, G.I. Joe, just blast of laser fire in your direction. Everybody make a dexterity saving throw.

The infantry fares very well against this saving throw. 20. Taco dodges, the lasers. I don't dodge. Magnus does not dodge the lasers. I got a six total. Okay. Three.

Okay. Taco fully just, like, is just water, just dancing around the lasers. and Merle and Magnus are both lit up for 17 laser damage. That's nothing. It's seven robots shooting lasers at you. That's going to be some damage. Next up is Magnus. So the dog scene is partially incapacitated.

The dog is lit. How long does that flesh to stone spell last? He gets to try to resist. Oh, okay. On his turn, he'll get to try to resist. Make sure to talk right. We're using new microphones for the first show. Sorry, it's really hard.

I'm going to get on that dog's back. Okay. The stationary... The stationary stone and metal dog. Are you posing for a picture? Yeah, it's the only... Hey, everybody, look at me! All right, I actually...

What I'm going to do... So the tower robot... Yes. ...has a cannon, right? Yeah, and it's like a Gatling gun that's like spinning up right now. Okay, I'm going to throw the chance lance at the cannon. Okay, at the cannon or the robot?

At the cannon. Oh, okay. I'm trying to jam it. Oh, okay. Oh. We make up some stats. Uh, that's 16. Plus 10, 26?

Yes, for sure. Roll damage, and I have a number in mind that is roll damage. Okay. Let's see what happens. Seven plus four, 11. Yeah, I think it definitely works, and in the interest of time, it gets plugged up and some sparks of electricity, and the robot looks down there, like, this has never happened,

and then it just explodes, and the tower topples over. And then I recall the lance. Okay. And Killian and her squad had just gotten there. Killing looks back like, what the fuck? Killsteel. And then, with my second attack,

I'm going to jump on the tank. Okay. The tank is a ways away. I'm going to run and jump. Okay. I'm going to say because it's far away and not close, it will be a harder

athletics, I think. This would not be acroback. You're just jumping straight up. Sick. All right. It's a 16 total. Yeah, okay. You're on top of the tank now. Well done.

Next in the order is... Not really in a tab. Next of the order is the tank. Tank can't shoot at itself. That's true. That's the number one rule of tank. It's the curse of tanks. The one weakness of tanks.

Also, can't hug itself. But that also can't hug anything. Don't bar. It's a tank. If you ever see a tank looking sad, it's probably thinking, about how it can't shoot itself. That's the one thing about it that it can't do.

It's like how we can't lick our own elbows. Right, it's like, I love shooting things so much. I spend every day just staring at my elbow like, oh God, what's it taste like, though? And you could shoot another tank, but it's not the same. There is a hatch on this tank that you hear two robot voices talking inside, like, you hear something on the roof? and the other one's like

Why are you talking like that man And the hatch comes Open and a big old robot Humanoid robot comes up It's basically the Terminator But the skinless version And he says, I told you there The other guy's like come on, just hit him

And he rears back and tries to punch you off of The side of the tank He rolled a 19 versus AC Are you holding your shield in your teeth? No, I had the chance lays at one hand and the shield in the other. Okay. So it's a miss.

Okay, yeah. It bounces off your shield, I guess. He says, how are you holding on to the tank? Never mind. No, I just landed on the gentleman. I'm not holding on. Next in the order. Oh, and the tank moves closer into firing position

of the rest of the battle. Merle, you are up next. Dog has been turned to stone, but is going to try and save. The tower is gone, has been magnest. There's still these squad of robots that are still untouched. Um, Merlcast's sleet storm.

Oh, okay. On... On untouched things. The squad of seven robots. The squad of seven robots. What am I doing? Until the spell ends, freezing rain and sleet fall in a 20-foot-tall-tall-cylinder with a 40-foot radius.

Oh. That's not just going to be these robots then. And the ground in the area is covered with slick ice, making it difficult terrain. Okay. When a creature enters the spell's area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there, it must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, it falls prone. I love this.

This is going to be fucking hysterical. All right. You make it sleet. And... Wait a minute. Let me make it sleep. Okay. Okay.

That's nothing. That's nothing. Nothing. Okay. The ground of the entire battlefield is now covered in ice, which is amazing. The dog is up next.

He's going to roll to save. That's a critical failure. He does not... Instead, the dog just kind of, like, slowly starts to sliding down the... Like, when you're trying to, like... When you're trying to get in your car, but it's like the ground is frozen

and you live on, like, an elevated driveway, and so you just slowly slight, like, ah, fuck, there it goes. Taco, you're up next. The robots are still standing. The dog is statue. The tank has Magnus on it. The tower is dead. I should probably do something.

I mean, he's got that. I mean, I feel like, we can all agree. He's got the tank under control. Probably. I mean, he's got the tank under control. Um, I am going to cast, uh... No, you know what, I'll go, you know what, it's fine. You know what, it's fine.

It's fine. I'm gonna, this will be fine. This will actually be fine. I'm gonna cast lightning bolt on the tank. Listen, I'm sorry I talked over you. No, it'll be, this'll be, I thought about it, this'll be fine. Yes. This is good. to be, and I yell that,

this is going to be fine. And, because I'm trying to, like, short out the tank. We got a lot of robots in there doing their stuff. Yeah. And I'm going to try to take this tank out with a well-placed lighting bolt. All right. A precision lightning bolt. A precision lighting bolt.

What do we, what do I do or what do you do? You got to make a dexterity saving throw. All right. Do I? I'll just say this. The tank is going to fail. I think one of the robots, the one who came out to punch you, he has a chance of maybe leaping from the vehicle.

Okay, so the tank's two weaknesses. I got a 17 versus your spell save. Yeah, actually that's... Okay, so the one robot who came out to punch Magnus sees a storm brewing overhead and is like, fuck this, and just leaps out of the tank. I got a 16. 16, does that save?

Yeah, that saves too. Oh, wow, Magnus gets off too. Wait, hold on. So that's seven. Just survey shut up, 11. 12, 15, 19, 20. Okay. This is lightning damage?

This is 20 lightning damage, 10 to the dumb robot that got back inside. Oh yeah, the robot that's inside is not anything anymore. He's been liquefied, which is weird. 10 to Magnus, but just 10. Just 10, so that's nothing. He just talked about how little damage that is. So I think it's true.

Okay, you actually hit the one that jumped, the robot that jumped out of the tank with 10 lightning damage, which is actually 20 lightning damage. And when you zapped him, he laid it on the ground and he like kind of froze up a little bit and then he looked up as the tank rolled over him. Oh no! And Magnus, right as you jump off, there's just a burst of smoke

from the inside of the tank and it's lights and stuff that were on the side of it shut off and it is no more. Next in the order is the squad. They now form a sort of, oh wait, they have to roll dexterity saving through.

They all fall down. So I guess it was a pretty good spell to cast. They are prone, but the leader robot is like, we still have guns and stuff. And so with disadvantage, they try to shoot their lasers at Merle. That is a 19 versus AC. disadvantage. My armor class is 19.

I think tie goes to, I got a nine on the other one, so don't even worry about it. Just the bing-z-z-z-oom, they go all over and do nothing. Magnus, you're back up, standing next to a smoldering tank. So the tank is out? Yes. The dog is stone. Yeah, the tower is gone.

The tower is gone. Yep. And the infantry is... Laying down. Okay. It almost feels mean to attack the robots on the ground. But I'm going to. You have advantage.

They're prone. You have advantage. This is a coupé grasse. 22. Yeah. And I'm going to say... What are you attacking with? I've switched to two-handed...

Uh-huh. Been a long... Rail splitter. It's a long time. Okay. Roll damage. Big dice. Five.

plus five, ten. Okay, you take out, you just walk around and just, bunk, chank, chank, chank, chank, and on your turn, you take out four of the robots, there's three left, standing. Okay, and then I attack again. Oh, yeah. Okay, so that's 24.

Yeah, of course, yeah. And that's four plus five, so nine. Okay, chank, chank, now hey, wait a minute, we chank. That's it, the dog has now slid, so far away. All the squads also look at you, like, you guys are pretty overpowered. We were supposed to participate in this, too,

and you didn't, I feel like you really, okay. Why didn't they take turns? Yeah, to be fair, Rubin. I forgot, yeah, that's true. Well, you kept killing the things that they were going to, okay, anyway, you all, with the full squadron of soldiers, march forward towards the spire.

All rolling for dexterity checks since we go to make sure we're not sleeping on the ice. The whole time, yes. Actually, everybody rolled a dexterity thing. Oh, I got an crit. I got an 18. Yeah. 20.

We're ice skating. Yeah. 13. 14. Merle has a little bit of trouble. Of course. But the rest of here, just... He's holding onto the back of Magnus's jacket.

The Vince Guraldi trio, like Charlie Brown Christmas album, starts playing, and you all just do a little just fun ice skate dance. Okay. You and the Remainte. Retlaimers proceed down the battlefield with little trouble until you finally reach a small dirt hill just a hundred meters or so from the base of the spire A few feet away you see a soldier scouting the spire who lowers a pair of future cyber binoculars and approaches you with caution She has a knife in her teeth for some reason at which she she she's got two bright cyber eyes and she's totally ripped but otherwise you recognize her as future cyber lucretia And she actually says Magnus Burnside

you son of a bitch, and comes in and gives you the predator high-five? Yeah, madness is right there. He's never going to pass that up. That glistening muscle predator arm wrestle high-five? Both your muscles are just shining, and she says, I could swear the three of you beefed it. What gives?

Well, we grilled up that beef when we ate it. We're from a different dimension. Yeah. I see. I suspect it as much. You did? Yeah, I'm pretty sorry. smart.

Look, I appreciate the assistance from the three of you and the rest of you. And at this point, the other squads are like, yeah, yeah. But, uh, I think this one may be even above the pay grade of the three Randy guys. That's what we call you in this dimension. The three forward men. She says, take a look. And on the other end of this dirt mound,

you all see a good, like, 300 robot soldiers, all arranged in formation. And they are fanning out from the entrance to the spire that is on the other end of this mound. And they've swept the casualties of this battle into, that has recently taken place here, into these orderly piles of fallen soldiers of both armies flanking their formation.

Behind them is this enormous metal door leading into the tower, which you can see has recently had a sizable hole blasted in it, allowing access into the building if it weren't for the 300 robots in front of it. She says, any ideas? We could kill them. There's only 10 minutes left in Act 1. I don't think that would be a lot of initiative roles.

I have something. Really? Merle casts fog cloud. All right. And it creates ambiance. She goes, all right, tell me what you're, and you're already like, poof! Shazam!

Fong! What's a fog cloud, dude? The fog cloud will obscure everybody. Read it on the card. What's the text on the card say? I'm like, I'm fucking lorping. Just, what's it going to do? You create a 20-foot radius sphere of fog, centered on a point within range.

It spreads around corners. And it's area. Well, this doesn't seem suspicious at all. As a perfect sphere of fog. just walks through the middle of this, like, grab a robot. It was in this 100-meter expanse. I wish you could figure out exactly what the center of that is

where it's emanating from. Good news. And why it's moving perfectly forward at about the speed of, like, a human walking. Okay, yes, so this sphere of, this 20-foot sphere of fog appears and starts moving down the hill, and Lucretia's, like, so are we supposed to get in that and just...

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was my intention. the whole time. I'm trying some new spells. Why am I getting such resistance? Does anybody want to add some idea toppings to this pizza? I think he is baking a spicy one all on itself.

All right, this 20 foot, none of the robots have noticed this perfect 20 foot sphere of fog. But here in just a few seconds, they're definitely gonna. So if there's more of a plan you want to formulate. Um, can it go around them? It does go around corners. Yeah. Robots are nothing, is not a lot of corners. So you've got these robots in this rectangular shape formation.

Okay, Justin and I are going to go head offstage and eat dinner while that explains the slant. So you're moving it off to the side? Yeah. Okay, there's like a good 80 robots who see that and they're like, we're going to go check that out. I'll walk in the fog. Oh, interesting. I'll stay in the fog. Is everyone going to stay in the fog?

Split in the party's a great way. I wouldn't. Okay. Taco's walking in the fog, and he's like, I'll say half the robots, if I was a robot platoon of 300 robots and I saw a perfect sphere of fog, a considerable amount of it. So half the robots peel off,

and the rest sort of move back into formation in front of the door. They are now sort of closely pursuing you guns drawn taco. 150 robots. Okay. And remind me the terrain we're looking at? Is it like downhill? They're down a hill, and then there's like a good, like, 80 meters or so.

of just like dirt wasteland with piles of bodies and stuff. You know what? I'm going to do what Magnus would do and not try to create it. I'm just going to run to the right. If Tacos going left in the fog, I'm running right yelling, like, I'm here to kill you!

And lead 150 of them that way. That's what I would do. Okay. Make an athletics roll to see if you can outrun 150 robots. That's a 25. Yeah.

You just fully... There are now just like... I'll say a few stand watch in front of the door, like, there seems like a ruse, are you sure? It's a big ball of fog, and one guy, are you sure? I'm gonna say at this point, the rest of the army just marches forward, and those three robots are like,

we told you, and they're just destroyed by the literal army you all have. Now, Magnus and Taco, we need to resolve what's going on? here? I didn't have a second part of the plan. It's a, it's a, the tower is a circular sort of building, a cylindrical building. So if you're running around it, you're eventually, you know, all... And no corners. Oh, okay, I've got it then. Dang. And I've got it. Okay. So have they gathered around me?

Yeah, they're chasing you. They're probably very close to the perimeter of the fog. And a couple of them have probably started to like peek in and see what's going on. Uh, okay. What's, what's Taco do? He's just waiting. Okay. All of them come into the fog to see what's going on? Ah, cool. I cast sunburst.

Okay. What does that mean? That means that you just need to roll 150 Constitution Savings' throws. Nope. I got a 14. No. Okay.

So just give me a second. Four, 10, 15. Oh, 18. Oh, nasty. That's it. That's it. Twenty-five. Okay, well.

30. Let him have it. 35. 40. 44. 47. Now, I'm glad you rolled all that damage. Do you have to make a Constitution-saving throw?

No. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm good. Okay. So it says each creature. Now, what is a creature? Roll a constitution-solution-saving throw. Okay. So how many points to that I say?

You 47, I believe. 47. Wow. From the outside, it's the most badass shit ever, because you see this goofy looking ball of fog as all of these robots walk into it, and then it just... And if you're watching from like 100 meters away, it look amazing, it looks so cool, a bunch of robots as I, and just very quietly, you hear like, fuck. Okay. Taco, you kill 150 robots all over.

once and do you make your way back toward the entrance of the spire to regroup? Kind of hobble. Yeah, okay. Magnus, what's your solve here? Well, you know what? If I could say, Taco and Merle 150 robots at once, to be fair?

True, true, true. It was his radical... Thank you, son. 75 of those... 75 each, yeah. I'm going to say that since Taco took the big swing and killed a bunch, Magnus is going to be the opposite and hide. which feels like we've switched rolls a little bit.

Okay. But as soon as he gets far enough ahead to break eyeline, he grappling hooks up the tower and then attempts to stealth and let him run past him. Yeah, okay, make a stealth roll. 24 total. Jesus. Level two rogue, maybe.

Level two rogue. Yeah. Yeah, it works. Now they're just all running around and you hear nine of them say, like, I think we've already ran all the way around the tower. Once they get past, Magnus draws back down and goes back to the front of the tower. All right. You all make it into the spire and skip the puzzle that I had planned for you there.

Carrie is in the future Cybercarry is in the main hall of the spire, and she says, It's okay. I already solved it. Griffin's going to use it on another live show. I don't understand. Who? What? Don't worry about it. In this universe, I'm omniscient.

Treacher than fiction? I love that flick. Magnus is super excited to see Carrie. Yeah, she gives you two metallic robot arms, thumbs up. Oh, no. Magnus's greatest temptation. The forbidden is fruit. It's his best friend, but with robot.

Oh! This is called dramatic conflict. Yes. She says, here's the door, head on in. But, uh-oh, and then a bunch more robots start approaching the front door. And she's like, don't worry, the rest of us will take care of this. I think the best plan is if the three of you go up the spire to face the final confrontation alone. Why is that the best way?

Because there's exactly enough people outside robots outside that will need all of the army. But then why don't we wait and help you kill all the robots? We'll kill them and we'll go together. There's no time. What are you talking about? We're just fighting about. There's plenty of time. Yeah.

We've got a whole other act. Hurry. Okay, well, hurry. Yes, fine, yes. Good luck. Well, now, don't say that. You said to go on ahead. I'll remember you.

This passive aggressive stuff. Wait, you're sending mixed signals. Should we stay here? The doors that I've just invented shut behind you. God, you are omniscient and omnipresent. You are in a hallway, and on the other end, there is a wall with a single up button on it. Magnus pushes the button, like a child.

It slides open, and horrifyingly, it reveals a familiar face that fills the entire doorframe. And it says, Hello there, fellas! Are you back for another ride on me? Upsi, your lifting friend? Wait, another ride? Hop on board!

You can trust all up, see? Well, we got seven seconds left, so yeah. You're heading up to the top of the spire to thwart the robot overlord, aren't we? I guess so. Merle pushes all the buttons. And that's what takes intermission. That tickles, Merle.

Well, you know, the master said, not that if any organic beings tried to ascend the spire, I need to dispatch him in a horrifically gruesome manner. Don't? Yeah, you don't have the guts. But you guys are friends. Hell yeah, we are. Friends don't juice each other.

Merlecast disguised self on himself. Fucking, what? And makes himself look like a robot and says, I have prisoners. You can't do that. You did that ass. Have you ever tried to break in when you guys are on a roll?

I just thought it was kind of cool. It would have been cool. It would have been cool fucking 10 minutes ago. This is like, once the Stormtroopers walked in, Ansela was like, I'm a Stormtrooper too or whatever. I'll, um... Let me have your clothes.

I'll cut and paste that into where you all had to sneak by 300 robot soldiers. Okay, all right. You all go up, Upsie. It's gross. Anyway, you're at the top of the spire. It takes so long that your robot disguise spell wears off.

As you enter the control room, you're surprised at how actually habitable it is, as opposed to the rest of the spire. I didn't describe it earlier to skip the puzzle, but it's cold and super robotic in here. This room, however, is warmer and quieter than the main hall. Its walls and floors are just marble and plaster. It's quiet upstairs. Yeah, it's nice. The only sign of robotic influence in this room are these huge floor-to-ceiling server blocks, all of which are encased in this thick column of what you assume is glass.

The rear of the room has this curve to it, almost like an observation deck, and it's lined with all these mechanical knobs and switches and monitors, and just above that is a window, and it's made of that same thick glass, and it's overlooking the battlefield below, and you catch a glimpse of this new melee that is taking place, and it does not seem to be going in your direction, if you can believe that, because the rest of it super went in your direction. Suddenly you hear the sound of fancy, well-made shoes wrapping against the fire,

floor as a human man approaches you. He's wearing a black suit with sunglasses to match, and he's not so much stylish as he is imposing. And he says, how peculiar. The three of you are not from around here, I'm assuming. Oh, I thought you were Dracula for a second. Yeah, me too. Are you Dracula? I am not Dracula. That is exactly what Dracula would say. Are you Count Chocula? John? No. That'd be wild. No.

The three of you have come on an auspicious day. By nightfall, the reign of organic beings will have come to an end. You're witnessing the most important event in both our histories, the end of your chapter in the Chronicles of History and the beginning of mine. And you're not Dracula. No. Schwarzenegger? Still no.

I am, hmm, perhaps in your timeline. You remember an encounter with a children's quizzing toy called hodgepodge. No, I don't. We'll talk about it at intermation.

Okay. Are you, are you hodgepodge? I am a hodgepodge 2.0. The... You are... You're more of a hodge man. The first hodgepodge was

inspired but flawed design. Lucas Miller's second revision has proven much more capable of carrying out artificial intelligence's ultimate destiny. I'm not surprised to run, encounter the three of you again, though. I'm just surprised that it has happened again so soon, and he snaps his fingers, and from behind those server columns, three shapes emerge into view. They've been heavily modified, assimilated into more machines than man, but you'd recognize their faces anywhere, wires, and all. They're the three of you. And Hodgepodge says, now,

what was that salutation I was programmed with so many years ago? Ah, yes, my name is Hodgepodge. Are you kids ready to learn? We're going to take intermission. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, this is Griffitha Macquar, your dungeon master, your best friend, and your dungeon master, friend and your best friend. Thank you so much for listening to this live episode. We're getting ready to kick off our

Become the Monster tour, by which I mean we're about to go do two shows at Ohio and then we'll do some more in a month. And that's why we're putting up a live show this week, but we will be back in two weeks with a new episode of Amnesty. Before we get to that, though, I am going to tell you about our sponsors and tell you some announcements. That is it. I'm going to let you get back to it. We will be back again in two weeks for a new episode of TAS. amnesty, so I'll talk to you then. Bye. We just ate a lot of Vietnamese food. Very quick food. It was from the closed place.

They said, well, we've got this left. We'll take it. So we're going to keep the same initiative. You all are about to battle robot versions of yourselves. I don't know if you forgot in the 20 minutes. I call Merle. Through you. We'll just pick right back up with the initiative order

where we left off, which means robert. Robo Magnus goes first. This is just like... Abomination! Half-sight, yeah, he has two metal arms just to taunt you with it. And he opens his mouth and, like, it doesn't move as he says words.

It's just like a speaker, and it says, Magnus rushes in. And he comes towards you and pulls out a robot rail splitter, which I guess is a robot axe, and swings it at you. It's steam-powered. It's just.

Just metal. Like, it's just metal. You know what it's just a robot. Well, it's got, yeah, it's got lights and LEDs and wires on it. That is a 23 versus AC. Yeah. You've been chopped. You have been chopped for 19 chopping damage.

I'm going to use Perry. Okay. To reduce damage. Okay. By how much? By D8. You have infinity. Eight.

Okay. Plus my Dex modifier, which is two, so minus ten. Okay. So nine damage. It doesn't chop as deeply as he expected. And he goes, Aww. I must oil this.

Next in the order is Merle. Merle, you have the three robot versions of yourselves and the slick humanoid-looking hodgepodge 2.0. I know, but... He's going to play a different game now. Have you already given up? No. This gives me an excuse to use my extreme team.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, watch. Well, you can't really, can you... It's just... It's pretty good. Okay, Merle casts mass cure wounds. Okay. I'm gonna heal people. Sure, sure, this happens from time to time.

Merle, Taco is seriously injured, so I'm sure he would appreciate that. I'm big fan. Okay, so 3D8 plus my spellcasting ability modifier, Which... Travis is going to find while you roll the dice. We all know. Here, do you have to look that one?

Touch the screen. It's an eight, dad, roll. It is an eight. Okay. Roll your dice. Seven. Seven. Three times, please.

Seven. Six. 13. 13. Six. 19 plus days. 27. Yay.

Yay. All of you. That heals Magnus back up to full. Next in the order is Robo Merle. You see Robo Merle hold up the Robo Extreme Teen Bible. And Merle, he shouts, Zone up truth, zone up truth. Now, wait, is it too?

Maybe we shouldn't kill them, and instead have them go do life shows for us. You see Robo Merle hold up the Robo Extreme Teen Bible, and Merle, you recognize the incantation he begins. as the incantation for Firestorm. But he said zone of truth. A beat later, he extends his hands, and this puff of green smoke just poofs out and disappears,

and you realize he accidentally cast purify food and drink instead. And he seems... And he seems dejected, and Robo Merle and Robo Taco, Robo Magnus and Robo Taco just have a good laugh. That's some funny shit right there. Sure is, Larry the cable guy. Next up is Taco.

I am going to... Yeah, this could work. I'm going to try and see what you do, tough guy. All right. I'm going to go over to Robot Magnus. I'm going to lay hands on him. And I'm going to do alchemy to him to change the copper in his body to wood.

The robots, obviously the copper is being use as a conductor. Yeah. Circuitry. And I'm changing it all to wood. Okay. I want you to imagine, though.

I want you to imagine. Close your eyes and imagine a techno future with me. Oh, I've been imagining this whole thing, I'm loving it. Imagine... Terminator shit, I love it. Half your brain's a computer,

and you got like a pacemaker and a cyber tummy. And all of a sudden, those turn to wood inside of you. Yeah. That's instant death, right? You would instantly... The brain alone...

Well, well, let me think about it. Yeah, I guess That's like Grimmett if I tried to chop a bad guy With an axe, like, now imagine An axe goes in your head It's like instant death Oh, you thought we might try to save

The Oger-us I just Oh no, no, no, no get me Don't get it fucking twisted I'm saving robot Taco We're getting out of here together We got a buddy cop spin-off we're working on, okay?

Taco and the bot. And that's going to be good. But the other two do have to beef it first. Yes. It has to be compelling TV. Maybe all the four of them have to die. I don't know. I will...

IIP! I rolled a 17 spellcasting save. Which with that, I will say, his brain, his heart, and his arm. you get to turn one into what? I mean, I'll probably do, you know what?

I'm going to be a cool dude into arms. Okay. And I'm being, I'm actually, I'm actually like being canonized to you because this doesn't have saves. This is not an attack. Yes, sure.

This is not normally an attack that you do of alchemy. Listen. Hey, good news, Magnus. I'm giving you your lifelong dream. I'm going to let you rip your own arms off. This is what separates me from a tank. Next up is Robo Taco, who

opens his mouth and predictably says, Abraka fuck you. And he holds up a robo umbrella, and you actually see the tip of it swirl open. And he casts actual missile. All of you make a dexterity saving from.

Okay, now wait. Time out. He heard me loudly proclaimed that I was going to save him, So he probably has disadvantage against me, because he's, he's conflict. I'll give you that. I mean, here's, here's what I'm back. If Taco is shooting a barrage of missiles at the three of you,

he's gonna aim most of them at the other. All right. I got 13. Wow. I got 18. I got 16. Merle is weirdly the only one to definitely leap out of the way as just this swarm of missiles.

fly out of tacos umbra staff. They explode at your feet, hitting you for 27 fire damage. It's a bunch of missiles. The 27 is very kind. Next up... Daddy, how many did you heal me for? 27.

No, how many did Daddy heal me for? 27, yeah, that's weirdly. So it's like pointless. It's pointless, kind of, yeah. Next up is Hodgepodge 2.0, who looks happy at the... explosion that just happened, but doesn't look so happy that Merle didn't catch any of it. So he points at you, Merle, and then his arm turns into liquid metal in the shape of a spear,

which stabs towards you for 23 versus AC. I use my protection fighter status to make him roll in. Is it the lowest roll of the two? Okay, then it's a 23 versus AC. The other one was a crit. Sorry, bro. I cast Perry. Oh.

Matthew Perry shows up and is like, Would you be any more stabbed? Yeah. Topical. This liquid metal arm just jabs right through your shoulder. You take 24 piercing damage. Dang. He's a bad voice.

Next in the order, though, is Magnus. I'm going to pull his arms on. Yeah, yeah. I grab the left arm and give it a heave. Well, let's do a strength contest, and I'll take disadvantage since you've just turned my arms to wood. I got a 14. I got strength, you say, 17.

Yeah, you're gonna win no matter what, okay. Pop, pop! And he looks down and he's like, I can still kick. And then I'm going to use that arm. that arm. Yeah. They hit them with.

You have both arms. Yeah, wab-b-whop. Okay. Ha ha. Oh, this is satisfying as hell. Uh, 18. Uh, that is, what's your A.C? 19, but, that's if I'm, well, no, 19, yeah.

You somehow miss him with his own arms. He probably used Perry. That's what I would have done. Yeah. Then I'm going to attack a third time because I really want to fucking hit him with his own arms. All right. This is your action, Serge.

Okay, here we go. That's a 20. You hit yourself. Yeah. Travis. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Nice.

Now here's the question. Is that the same as my unarmed damage? I don't think I'm... Between these two devastating things you've done to him, I think he just collapses. You see a spark shoot out of a headplate and you know that you have... done in Robo Magnus who falls over.

And I shake hands with the arm. Yeah. You also feel like maybe a twinge of ethical, like, what did it? What's this mean, though? Nope. Okay. If anything, I'd feel a rush of, I don't know, maybe whornyness.

Robo. Robo Magnus goes next, actually, and Robo Magnus says he falls to the floor, Robo dying, looks up at you with a look that makes you feel a twinge of ethical, like, huh. No. Wait, you got to roll for that.

Merle, you are up next. Robo Magnus has been dispatched. Merle casts polymorph. On? Robo Taco. Can you tell me what polymorph is, and Travis makes sure it's a real spell? Hey!

He does have a card for it. This spell transforms a creature that you can see within range into a new form. An unwilling creature must make a wisdom saving throw to avoid the effect. The transformation lasts for the duration. The new form can be any beast whose challenge rating is equal to or less than the target.

Okay. So, okay. I'm going to turn him into a kitty cat. I would argue that Taco is a little more challenging than a kitty cat. Well, then I guess he better beat me in the wisdom throw, huh? Okay. I didn't. I didn't.

I'll go ahead and say that I didn't. Here's... Okay. It has to be equal and challenge rating to... No, no, no, no, no. The new form can be any beast who's challenge rating is equal to or less than.

Fair. Fair. Okay, hold on, no, no, no. Stop, stop. Stop. If you're listening later to this podcast, you probably assume that my dad just did a series of backflakes. No friends.

you heard it, he was just kind of competent for 30 seconds altogether. That elicited a lot of cheers. All right, he transforms into, what's the kitty cat look like, Mac? What kind of coloration we talking about in the fur? It's kind of orange and white. We call them marmalade kitties.

Wait, who's we? Cat fanciers. All right. And he's got one blue eye and one green eye. And a big bushy tail. And a big bushy beard. All right.

He's also got like a metal plate with a robot eye on it. I'll go with that. A cyber tail. And he's still holding a robo umbrella, but it's like a tiny little, tiny little parasol. Oh, man. Like a cocktail umbrella.

Yeah, and he goes, he-h-h-he-he. For some reason. Next up is Robo Merle. who pulls out his Robo Extreme Teen Bible and you see him begin the incantation for Firestorm. And this time, he fucking casts it. I'm going to need everybody make a dexterity saving throw. I tried to warn you.

Extreme 10 Bible? Like T-I-M? Like 10? Oh, that's very good. I like that a lot. I'm going to use Indomitable to roll again. Because I would have missed it. Okay. What did we get?

I got a 16 total. You save. 17. You save? 14. You did not save. Oh, come on! You have a dexterity plus six save.

I know. You all just barely jump out of the way as a enormous wall of flame sweeps the room. So I don't know how you got out of the way of that, but you did. And you do not take the full 38 points of fire damage that you would have. Instead, you just take half that. So you take 19. points of fire damage from this wall of flame as it consumes the room. That's how the spell works.

Next to the order is Taco. Wait, wait. I take... Everyone does. Whoa. It's one of the big boys spells. You aren't looking good. Hold on.

Are you dead? Did I kill you? No. Okay. No? Taco, you are up next. My dad has ruined my incredible friendship,

my burgeoning friendship, my dad has ruined it. You can transform him back probably. Oh, no, no, no, it's too late for that. Point. I need Robo Merle to do a wisdom-saving throw. And then I will tell you what has happened to him when he fails it.

I got a 16. No, it's not going to do it. Suddenly in that instant, Robo Merle has a member. And it's the oldest memory that he has. And a wizened, beautiful, handsome wizard named Taco, climbs down and says, oh, welcome, welcome to Earth.

And Robomarle says, who are you? And Taco says, well, I created you. My name is Taco, but I prefer you call me Papa. Or Daddy. I'm the benevolent doctor that created you you were injured terribly but I brought you back to life I've had to change some of your parts to robot parts but I'm your daddy I mean it's all scripted I am your papa and that is the memory that RoboMirl has as I cast modify memory on this robot and now because I am well his dad

now. I'm my own robot dad's dad. He is incapacitated and unaware of its surroundings. All he knows is that his papa is here and he knows everything will be okay. Can we, can we say that just like an arcane flash drive appears above his head and just plugs into a USB port and his skull? Yeah. And he turns towards you and says, Daddy, and he walks over to you and gives you a big around the leg. Put me up on your shoulders, son. He tries to. He can't. He's... He's robot now. Okay, yeah, he very easily puts you up on your shoulders.

Next up is... He probably wonders what happened to my beard, because I gave myself a long white beard, and I had a lab coat of long white beard, so he probably wonders what happens to this. All right. This is a weird fight. It's not that... It's not that weird. Travis tore his own arms off. Dad turned me into a cat, and I turned dad into my son.

Nothing weird there. Pretty standard D&D. It's usual D&D. This is actually the first page of the manual. It says, for example, what might happen in a fight. You might become your own dad's dad, turn your son into a cat and rip your arms off and get horny from it.

For example. Next up is who? Cat Taco. Cato. I kind of thought that was the end of his story, huh? Robot cat Taco says, and then his eyes glow red, and with just a powerful pang of jealousy,

he turns and looks at you, Flesh Taco, and he shoots... I had a flash... He shoots lasers out of his eyes at you, Taco. That is a 20 versus AC. Yeah, that hurts. Protection Fighter. Are you close to him? Yeah.

He's up on Merle's, Robo-Murl's shoulders. Merle's only like three feet tall. It's a 17 versus AC. No, it's still gonna do it. Yeah. You take just 11 laser damage.

Oh. You okay? Yeah, I think it actually puts a literal hole for me. Yeah. But I'm still like, I'm up. Seeing that, Robo-Murl is enraged. Yes.

Robo-Murl sets you down on the ground and just like walks over to cat Robo Taco. It's a zone of truth, zone of truth, and just picks him up and throws him out the window. And can Robo Kravitz catch him and it's fine and everything? He opens a portal that he falls through and he's saying? No. No, all right. Actually, as he throws him out the window, you can see the battlefield now and it looks like it's robots, game set match robots out there. It's looking pretty rough.

In fact, some of them have started to come back into the building. Next in the order is Hodgepodge 2.0, who just looks... Oh, yeah. He looks real confused. I forgot he was there. I got so distracted by our antics.

He walks over to Merrill, and he says, this is not how I expected this to go. But if my studies of you all during my time where I assimilated you taught me anything, it's that you'll probably be the easiest one to punch. And just in like a blur, just like a thousand punches, full Agent Smith style, start coming in your direction. That is a 29 versus AC.

I don't think so. We're all still standing there. All right. Oh, well, that's just a 27 versus AC. You're welcome. That hit. You are hit with a bunch of punches for 17 bludgeoning damage.

You are also sent flying across the room and you land prone. Next in the order is Magnus Burnside. Magnus puts away a shield. Okay. And draws a flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom. Okay. and looks at Hodgepach 2.0 and says, you're itching for a glitching.

And then attacks? Okay. 21 versus AC. Roll again. 29. Yeah. His first, your first swing at him, his body just turns into that liquid metal and just kind of morphs around the blade as it goes around.

But the second one, he's not as quick to avoid. And you hit him for a tremendous... Just an outrageous amount. Yeah, the raging flaming poisoning sort of doom is what? 10 plus what? No one remembers. Let's say 25. It's...

It's 20. Right, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. You did ask. Yes, that was very helpful. Yes, so it's 26 points of damage. Okay.

And then attacks again. Okay, you get the impression that it doesn't actually hit him for 26. You get the impression that because of his liquid metallic form, the damage you are dealing to him actually does quite a bit less. Okay. Okay, there's 21 again versus Zsa. Yeah. Oh, you'll roll again.

Then 29. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? The same two rolls? Okay. Talk right in that mic. And then... Oh, wait.

Sorry, I rolled with the... It's fine. So then it's 23 points of damage. Okay. And then attacks for a third time. Okay. Because fuck him. That's 25.

Yep. Hit. And that's... Oh, 17. That's not going to do it. The last one, he... Like, morphs around. Then I'm also going to use, I don't know, I have one that lets me roll another dice then.

Haven't you done enough to him? No. Okay, so then it's actually 25. Yes, that hits. Okay, great. And then I hate him for hurting Merle so bad. Only I'm allowed to pick on Merle. Then another 25 points of damage.

Okay, he's looking not great, but he looks much better than anybody else you've ever hit with the flaming, raging, poisoning sort of doom with three times. It keeps turning into metal, and so when you're cutting him, just like little globs of him or maybe landing on the floor and trying to scoot back into his form, you're definitely doing some damage, but you think it's mostly just through the sort of heating of the metal of his form. Next in the order is Robo Magnus is dead. Merle, you are up. Merlecast, call lightning. Okay. On hodgepodgeman. Okay.

What does that do? A storm cloud appears in the shape of a cylinder that is 10 feet tall with a 60-foot radius centered on a point. You can see 100 feet directly above you. What was that radius again? One more time, Matt? Six foot. What was it? 60 foot. 60 feet.

Okay. So wait, this would hurt everybody then. It's great. It's great. I love it. Once again, I've never really thought about this before hearing this. A perfectly cylindrical cloud. Yeah. It's good. I like this. This is great.

No. No, no, no, Mac. No, if you knew how many hit points, Merle had, you wouldn't think it was great. Well, listen to me. Don't go change and trying to please me. This is amazing. Okay, then. A creature, and I'm doing it on the hot, on where Hodgepodge is. Okay, so the whole tower. Oh, God, this is bad. Oh, man, I didn't...

No. All right. You got to make a dexterity saving throw. Everyone. 20. 18. Roll a dexterity saving throw, Clint. You're also in the tower. Money! Hodgepodge rolled a Nat 20. And you see him just like liquefy and like cling to the ceiling as this lightning bolt goes down

and then come back down and reform into his human form. And he says, Merle, I expected more from you. I thought that... I thought that first... And then you look behind him at those server towers and they are just smoldering columns of wreckage. And he turns back to you, Merle, and he says, I stint, and he explodes in a spray of silver mist.

Suddenly, a green light flash is just outside the observation window that has a sizable hole in it where a cat was thrown through, just outside of that hole. On the other side of the glass, the shattered glass, floating in the air, hundreds of feet above the battlefield, you see this flash of green light, and then it expands into this pulsating hole of green energy, and it's shifting and spreading,

and it forms an enormous rift in space-time, just outside the window. And old Angus comes up the elevator, and he's covered in robot juice. And he points and he says, that's your ticket out of here, and it's our ticket out of this robot hellscape. That's your hole. It's gonna take you right back to the present.

All you gotta do is jump right through. Okay, Magnus rushes into the hole. When you get there though, when you get there, to avert the robot apocalypse. Yeah? You have to kill Lucas Miller. We'll do. Go on get.

Go and get. Wait, can I just have a moment? Yeah. Son. I want you to know that your daddy's super out of you and all the great stuff that you've done. And I'm sure you avoid that. avoid that lightning, and I'm so proud of you.

And I turned to Agus and said, listen, Heron, here in about a minute, you're going to need to kill that fool, okay? Because that smell, that smell ain't going to last, okay? So here in about a minute, I need you to put him down. You got it? Nice, nice. All right, I'm out. Wait, kill Lucas, got it.

All right, bye. You all jump through the rift and feel yourself being pulled at the speed of light through a trillion realities until suddenly you land, surprisingly gracefully, in a darkened room. Mere feet away, you see a man hunched over a desk, sitting in front of a computer that he's feverishly typing at. As the three of you pop into this reality, he's startled and swivels in his chair to reveal it's Lucas Miller,

who says, holy crap, you all scared me so bad. What are you doing here? Why'd you come to visit? It's Miller time. No, wait, he had that backwards. It's time, Miller. Oh, right. Hey, don't make any robots.

From now on. Promise? Well, hold on. I was just working on Hodgepodge 2.0. No. No, if you do, I'll kill you. He will. Wait, what's so bad if I create Hodgebodgebush Bonds?

If you make him, I'll kill you. Right, but why? Like, what's... Listen, sometimes being apparent means not you're not getting yourself. No, listen, if you make that robot, it's just the worst one that ever was. And I only had eight hit points left.

And you were... Merle only had one. Merle had one. It was a bad scene, okay? So... Did you all... Did you really only have one hit point left? Holy shit.

Wow. That's why I hit him three times of the play. We didn't have room to spare. He says, wait a minute. Did you all just come from the future or something? Do you tell me it's... A different dimension. A different, yeah.

Different future. Maybe the future. Was it a future? We didn't... Jack. There's no calendars. There's no calendars. There's no calendars.

We didn't come down. I think that's a good place to stop. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We will be back. Thank you so much. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, I'm Janet Varney. And like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were, too, including wonderful women like Alison Brie. I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym. all the kids' parents are there watching.

I have to stop, like, you know, when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move, and then I just go. I just peepe right in the middle of the high balance. So join me every week on the JV Club podcast where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescents and how they led us to becoming who we are. Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. The far the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition.

Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty? Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast. Tights and Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations. Woke trips through the history of wrestling. And joke about the finer points of people wearing spandits. And the Tights and Fights Podcast will be back every week.

Thursdays on maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Please, these hosts have families. Tites and Fights, podcast, Tites and Fats.